We Might Be Drunk - Ep 92: Juice & Pedialyte

Episode Date: September 12, 2022

The guys are in recovery on episode 92 with Carrot, Ginger, Apple juice with a side of Pedialyte. Find Mark and Sam on the road near you: http://marknormandcomedy.com/#schedule https://www.sammorril.com/shows Get some shirts: https://www.bonfire.com/store/gotham-production-studios/ Join us on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/wemightbedrunkpod Visit www.betterhelp.com/Drunk for 10% off your first month. Support the show and get 15% off your first Raycon order at https://BuyRaycon.com/MIGHTBEDRUNK  

Hey, folks, here we are. We might be drunk. We got a full house today, huh? We got Salamanca. Sally, baby. We got Jamie. Jamo. Good to have you back.

It's been about a year. All right. Well, you didn't do a great job, so we wanted you to build your... What do we have today? What are we drinking? Well, you need to take a break, so you have some healthy juices here to help you guys detox from whatever happened to you over the weekend. It's been rough.

Yeah. People assume we just drink on this podcast. It's a little get well soon. It's a rough weekend. Oh. Do we know what's in these? Yeah, talk to us. Judging by the colors, I'd say there's carrot in there and some kind of green veggies and a little bit of everything from the earth just to help you out.

All right, well, chase it with a little Pedialyte. Yeah, how you doing? Oh, the paper. I really don't like the paper straw. I hate it. I don't like it. They get mushy. The turtle thing's a myth.

They made that all up. Oh, this tastes pretty good. I taste a little ginger in here. We're being healthy this week. That's the Irish people. I closed a bar on Saturday night, and it's like, there's no worse feeling when you're in a bar

and someone flips the lights on. Oh, the worst. It's so aggressive. Yeah, you see the cockroaches, you see the dirt on the ground, there's a passed out dude, and you see how ugly everyone really is. You know, because with the booze and the lights off,

people are looking pretty good. The cockroaches and the one old guy at the end of the bar. The two survivors. Yeah, exactly. Nuclear holocaust wouldn't get rid of them. So I saw something on the street on my way here and I had to grab it for the studio. This is a real Salamanca move. But I pulled it this week. Saw a guy

selling records. Oh. Yes. Hey. Alright. I just thought it was a cool look, this prior one. Check this shit out. I don't think I've ever seen that. Yeah, I don't know this special, actually. But look. I thought this just looked cool as hell on the inside.

That's gorgeous. Doesn't it look good? Love it. What year do you think that is? It's gotta be 79? Yeah? 80? What year was Sunset Strip? I've got the computer here. There you go, Google bitch. This is 78. Oh've got the computer here. What am I asking you for? There you go, Google bitch. This is 78. Oh, got it.

All right. That's exciting. Finally, we have a black on the wall. It was getting a little weird in here. We got Pryor up there already. Oh, we do? Okay, okay. We need, the ones we need are Patrice, Carlin, and he said, the guy on the screen was like,

who else you got to do? I'm due for a Joan Rivers. I was like, we should have Joan on that wall. Joan, for sure. We should get a lady'm due for a Joan Rivers. I was like, we should have Joan on that wall of death. Joan, for sure. We should get a lady up there. She met Joan. Did you?

How was that? I met her twice in the same day at two different situations. So my mom got to meet her the first time, which was awesome. And then I got to her book signing. So she wrote me a nice message in her last book that she came out with. Wow. That forever. that's amazing i saw pat and oswald made a great point about how like you know everybody gets mad about jokes and

offended or whatever and he's like she was a woman doing it and opened the door so like imagine cost her a lot though it cost her a lot but imagine if she didn't sacrifice we might not have any uh funny ladies yeah that was his point and also in that documentary of her you see like there's that guy with the guys like offended and she's like fuck you like she's like fuck you she's like cool when an older lady says that yeah shut the fuck up i mean you watch her i used to watch the fashion show because i thought she was funny and she would just be like what are you wearing you fucking look like hell and you're like what the hell but she was so ghoulish and old that you let it slide well she was a cartoon character the way rodney was yes well she was like ow ow like that

voice that's cartoony you get away with being meaner totally same with rickles he's fucking mr potato head in toy story when you're a looking dude, you can get away with saying some shit. When you look like that, you can shit on Sinatra and they're like, ah, he's lovable. Yeah. He would trash Sinatra

and they would all just go with it. Yeah, and Sinatra, when you're that arrogant and you're that much of a complete lunatic, you have one friend that's allowed to shit on you. You know anyone else that shit on Sinatra, he was probably like, he's out.

That's true. What is it about? Joan Rivers is from Brooklyn. Rickles is from Queens. Dangerfield is from Queens. Insane. Just that tri-state area has bred so much. Larry David, Brooklyn.

Seinfeld, Brooklyn. Chris Rock's Brooklyn. Mel Brooks is Brooklyn. But then the last generation, it was very Boston, if you think of all the great comics that came out of Boston. That's true. It was like Louis Burr, David Cross, all these great comedians. Dane Cook, Rogan Stanhope. Patrice.

Patrice. DePaulo. Yeah. Goldman. The shittier you're upbringing, the funnier you get. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, Albert Brooks, he had a regular life.

He's LA. He's very funny. Yeah. I think that's true i think it's there's a good combination with boston and new york with blue collar meets scholastic you got you got columbia here you got nyu here you got the other one and then you got boston's mit harvard and uh but yet they're all working in a mill. They're all fucking Irish and angry, and they fuck with each other.

It's a good mix. New York, we're all in everything together. Like, Bloomberg took the subway. Yeah. You know what I mean? I know it's a publicity thing, but it is actually the best way to get around. So you think about that, like Bloomberg and a guy sucking on his foot in the same subway car. Right.

There's something beautiful about that. Yes. You know? That's true. There's a guy jerking it. And Koch. Koch took the subway. The guy jerking it is Jeffrey Toobin on the same subway car.

Just jerking his dick. There you go. Yeah, Seinfeld always said that New York keeps you funny because you can't relax. Well, there's so much stimulus. Go to Westchester and you're like what am i doing there's nothing to do exactly no nothing shuts the brain off like just boredom totally like you can take a million different routes home in new york just walking you're like i'm gonna go this this is the direction i'm gonna go and you'll see a different thing there's a dead

guy this way there's a hobo that way. There's a Girl Scout. It's everything. Yeah. And they say comedy goes up during shit times because you need it. So it's like you said in Westchester. When are good times, though? Every time is kind of shit, right? Well, it's always shit to somebody. People say, hey, the 50s.

It was magical. It was unlock your door and families and suburbs and all that. But then black people were getting fucked over. And women. And women. And black women. Yeah. Maybe some Jews.

Oh, yeah. Commies. Commie. The Red Scare. Yeah. That's true. Everything was bad. People were like, these are tough times.

And what, were the Crusades easy? It's never good. There's always something. The 90s weren't bad. I like the 90s. Meredith Brooks, I'm a bitch. Those are simpler times. Well, Rodney King had a rough go.

But OJ got off. His wife didn't. What does that mean, call it even? What was that? Yeah, all right. I think the 90s were maybe our peak, You can call it even? What was that? Yeah. Yeah, all right. I think the 90s were maybe our peak, and then 9-11 happened at the end of the 90s and 2000s, and it was all downhill. It was all downhill.

Yeah, I mean, flying before 9-11. Oh. Holy shit. Great Daniel Tosh joke. 9-11 sucks, or I like it because I used to have to walk with my girlfriend to the gate. I love that joke. That's good. I remember going with girlfriends to the airport and you just have to wait there

until the flight took off. What about how was Houston over the weekend? Houston is better than Austin. I'm saying it right now. Austin's all hip and cool keep it weird everybody's moving there houston's a better city is houston your number one in texas probably yeah it's very diverse it doesn't get as due for diversity it's it's every group every race huge vietnamese pop huge vietnamese indian uh they're all overweight so that brings them

together but because it's a foodie city it's huge food and it's got a little everything and it's got Vietnamese, Indian. They're all overweight. So that brings them together. Because it's a foodie city. It's huge food. And it's got a little everything. And it's got different neighborhoods that are very interesting. And I love Houston. Great crowds. Great club.

Great crowds. How'd you like it? You were just there. I had a great time. I was worried that your tickets would hurt mine. Yeah, I worry about that too when we when we're back-to-back. But you did well? Went great. And I even popped over to the open mic at the secret group.

You're sick. I know. Well, we had nothing to do. We were bored. And my friend, Andrew Youngblood, he owns this club. So he's like, you want to go drink for free at my club? We'll get out of this green room. And I said, let's do it.

And then the open mic was going on, and I popped on. How was it? It was good. It's usually a nightmare. Every time I've done that, I always regret it. Yeah, you're dancing with fire, or playing with fire. Dancing with fire, that's not an expression. Dancing with the devil in the pale moonlight.

That's what you meant. All right. Dancing with fire. Is that the new album? I don't even know what I'm talking about. No, but I mean, you have that. You come off that good late show usually, and then, you know. Yeah.

You want to lose that feeling? That's true. It's the weirdest thing about comedy. You got this hot show sold out. You're killing, and then you go do an open mic for 11 people, and you've never felt worse about yourself. You say you. Like, this is a general thing, people.

This is just you. No one else does this. Well, what would be an equivalent to that like maybe you're playing in the majors and then you go hit a you go to like you play an nba and then you go to like a you know pick up game story that gary payton did that and i really it's true but the so the story goes gary payton if you don't know him the glove played for. Played for the Sonics in the 90s. He was a badass. His son is in the NBA. The Glove. Also Michael Jackson. I mean, OJ.

Ah, shit. I'm trying to bring it back. Well, he added Glove, too, Michael Jackson. That's true. That's true. No Glove, no Love. But that's a great nickname. That's how good you are defensively.

You're The Glove. Right. So the story goes, he's at a nightclub in boat shoes. And some guy's like, I could beat you one-on-one. And he like no you can't and he's like yeah i can and payton like he keeps to the point he was known for shit talking like this pull up the picture of payton and michael jordan and you just see him in jordan's face like he didn't beat jordan but you got to give the guy props for just getting in the dude's face like fuck you i love that um and yeah get that get that image um he was the glove but in basketball yeah yeah yeah meaning meaning he's like on he's like he was on

you that's how tight he was ah yeah look at that picture of no the one in the corner no the other one no no the one was in his face dude come on come on google bitch there you go oh look at that that's not even the one i'm thinking that's heated i was talking top right yeah but look at that yeah i mean he's way smaller than jordan he should not be yeah that's the one i'm talking about look at him right there oh he's saying an f word he's saying fuck oh well maybe another one well the thing is that they say is like he wasn't the best trash talker, but he just didn't stop. Uh-huh. Like it was just the whole game.

And they'd be like, dude, shut up. Yeah, right. How bad could he be? Like, hey, you fucking honky. Nice legs. Like what is bad trash talking? Like you stink. Dork.

I think like knowing shit about your personal life. There are people that do homework and they're like your wife. The famous one was Kevin Garnett on I'm Carmelo. Your wife smells like Honey Nut Cheerios. What does that mean? Just like I know your wife smell because I've been with your wife. It's like a specific. Oh, wow.

I know that box. Yeah. So anyway, some guys challenging him in the story. I don't know if it's true one-on-one and he just keeps he's like fine like fuck it find a park right now he goes to take him one-on-one in his street clothes he has an nba check which is like probably one check like for whatever a couple games 48 grand or something maybe maybe one game who knows what it was for yeah puts it there he goes if you can score one basket on me you can have this oh you know how it ends damn he locks him the fuck up embarrasses him oh that's great

you don't realize how good i was i popped by uh west fourth the park to watch some hoops just before my seller spots over the weekend and you're like these kids are incredible oh really i mean they don't miss a shot i'm watching my friend? I mean, they don't miss a shot. I'm watching with my friend. We're like, these kids don't miss one shot. Think how good pro athletes are. I know, right? Was it a game game or was it just a pickup? No, it's a game.

Oh, okay. Uniforms and stuff. There's a ref. There's a guy in the mic, which looks fun. Yeah. You know? Because I walk by there every single day to go to the subway. And there's always some good, some bad.

There's a little mix. But there's one son of some bad there's a little mix but there's one son of a b who stands there and when you walk by the chain link fence he goes anywhere point to a spot i'll make a shot and the first time i was like all right i got a minute so i go right there shoots it he makes it he goes give me another one give me another we'll go till i i miss and i'm like all right he'll miss eventually. Right there. He shoots it. He makes it. Give me another one.

He's like an old white guy with a ponytail. So I'm like, how many shots can this guy actually make? I was there for like 28 minutes. The guy kept sinking it. The guy's a beast. I had no idea. I was like, I got to go, man. Yeah.

So that was it. You got to love the old man in the park. Oh, yeah. I used to play on like 110th, and there was like an old man who just like, he's just like a fat old man, but he could play. Yeah. Which is like nothing better than an old man, but he's a chubby old man. Yeah. And he had handles, and he could shoot, and like the kids weren't locking him up like they could have.

Sure. But it was fun. You know that guy's got some stories. He probably played with Isaiah Thomas in 1981. Any peeves, dude? Oh, I got a peeve for you. Buckle up for this one. And I hope I haven't said this before.

I mean, we repeat on this podcast like you've never seen. Repeave. Beat you. All right. Repeat for a dream. So how about this guy? The guy who has to let you know he's not a certain thing when he tells you something. He's like, look, I'm not a doctor, but I don't think you should be drinking that much.

And you're like, do you need to be a doctor? First of all, we know you're not a doctor. Or, hey, I'm not a scientist, but you better not mix those two whatever. And you're like, we all know you're not a scientist. No need to say it. And I'm mixing whiskey and gin. What does that have to do with you being a doctor? Like, we all know that's bad.

So that pissed me off. I had a guy doing that all weekend. Oh, wow. Yeah, yeah. I'm no this. I'm no this.'m no this he was the he was the waiter at the club and he kept being like i'm no bartender but uh i don't know about these long islands or whatever and i'm like all right you wouldn't drink long islands no no i'm

just i'm making an example but yeah i hate that you don't need to tell me you're not a doctor you're a waiter you have an apron on you're at a comedy club we know you're not a doctor you're a waiter you have an apron on you're at a comedy club we know you're not a doctor yeah no it is i know what you mean after the third time you're like we know yeah and you could tell he thought he was cool saying it i'm no architect you don't like cliche expression i hate him i hate him and then if you use them a lot it's even worse yeah i hear that why what do you got i mean i'm no therapist but i got uh no i got you know what bugs me and it's i i don't know i've said this either but uh you ever behind like one person in line and they take forever if i can handle a long moving line that takes even longer

just mentally i can handle that but when you're behind one person and they just won't move. Yes. I'm like, what's happening? I know. What is going on? There's this guy in front of me at the bank. He just keeps going. I'm like, this has been 20 minutes.

And then I hear him go, how was your day to the person? I go, oh, no, you didn't. Don't you dare make small talk. How's your day? How's your day? Turn and say, how's your day to me? I'll tell you how it's going. Fucking bad. Yeah. You're ruining my day speed it up no small talk when you're holding up a line no

that's crazy this is a couple new yorkers here but how about this guy i go to chipotle four times a day and i open it that's what chipotle i love chipotle But nothing worse because, you know, you've got to go down the line. Give me beans. Give me tomato. Give me guac. The taco guy kills you because if you order tacos, you get three tacos, and they go, a little bit of chicken on that one, that one beef, no cheese on that one, and it just triples the length of the ordering. So I let a guy in.

You know, you both get to the door at the same time, and I go, all right. I open the door. Him and his friend go in, they both get tacos and you go, ah, why did I let this chooch in? That's it. No, I know what you mean. Anything holding up a line, like especially in New York, this is a fast paced city. You're a New Orleans guy. When you're in New Orleans, maybe it doesn't bug you as much.

So slow. But it does. It bugs me now. I've been, you know, New Orleans, maybe it doesn't bug you as much. So slow. It bugs me now. I've been New Yorkified. I went to school there for a year and a half, and I remember being like, wow, this is making me crazy. It made me crazy, too. Even the way they speak to you. So, how you doing?

Yes. You're like, get to it. Yes. Get the G out. Gaffigan had a joke about how people from the south, they move like gravy. Like we're just so slow and like slovenly. And it's so true. I think it's because of the food. It's hot. We're eating gumbo. We're way down. Yeah, the south, the pace, it's a different type of person. The pace here, you got to move it a little bit.

It's a different type of person. The pace here, you got to move it a little bit. I'll tell you another peeve is you ever behind like four people and they're perfectly spread out so they block the whole sidewalk? Yes. Yes, exactly. People who are slowing you down in any way in this city, even when I have nothing to do, I'm in a rush. Yeah. That's part of the city.

So the four all spread out or in the the rain i don't i'm not an umbrella guy so the people who have the two people with the two umbrellas perfectly apart now there's no way through yep yep even when there's one person but they move kind of with you okay yeah how is this happening they don't see that's true the red rover thing is so crazy because i'm like i know you have four friends but do you all have to be side by side? I guess. What do you think that is? Why can't people walk? Yeah.

What are you, the reservoir dogs? Yeah, right. It's a movie poster. Yeah. That's true. It's brutal. Don't build that wall with your friends. It does.

Now there's going to be someone commenting, see, walls work. But no, it makes me crazy, the perfect formation. It really makes me, I don't know why. Or the, yeah, we're just annoyed by anyone in the way. My thing is just what do you expect the rest of us to do? You think you're holding the whole sidewalk? You get the whole city? Avenue of the Americas is you?

Yeah. Come on. What about the rest of us who have to slide by you? Not to mention they're all on their phones and the whole thing. Avenue of the Americas is you. Yeah. Come on. What about the rest of us who have to slide by you? Not to mention they're all on their phones and the whole thing. This straw is terrible. Hate the paper straw. It's already melted. Yeah, it's closing up like a fucking vagina around Mark and I after listening to this podcast.

I'll tell you. Hey. Vaginal walls. Build that wall. This is really. That's pretty good. It's really good. But the straw sucks. Yeah. The straw is terrible. And it doesn't make a difference. Oh, you's pretty good. It's really good. But the straw sucks, yeah.

The straw is terrible. And it doesn't make a difference. Oh, you got the donuts. Let's top it off. Oh, fun dead. It wouldn't be a we might be drunk if we weren't putting something poisonous in our body. You got that right. This is a carcinogen right here.

Good save. Look, we got the glove here. Well done. That's not my... I'm a righty, so that's not the right hand, but... Ah-ha. Let's see what we got. Oh, we got the glove here. Well done. I'm a righty, so it's not with the right hand. Let's see what we got. Oh, we got a lot of donuts. They won't let you buy one.

This is a fun life hack for you kids at home. Go to Dunkin' Donuts, get a coffee, and then go, can I have one munchkin? And the guy goes, get the fuck out of here, you chooch. And he throws it at you. That's fucking good. Because one would be like 11 cents they should be paying us for this shit this is good wait a minute are these jelly

there it's a mix oh geez it's like new york it's mixed i don't like the jelly i gotta put a towel down oh she didn't tell me i was like why would you eat i didn't know damn Damn it. You lied to me about the men's food. I'm no chef, but these are good donuts. You want one? Yeah. Yeah. There we go. All right. Put hands on this pod.

My gal's got a IUD, no period. Really? Yeah. And no pregnant. I don't know why every woman doesn't do this. The IUD. Yeah. It hurts. She hated it for a day or two. And also, you ever feel the tip of it sometimes in your pee hole?

I do. That's not great. Yeah, but at least you're long enough. It's like the little Microsoft Word paperclip popping up like, Hey, may I help you? Two urethras now? Oh, yeah. Yeah, it feels like that.

It's a weird. You feel that poke? It hurts. Yeah, it feels like that. It's a weird... You feel that poke? It hurts. Yeah, you can't cap that off with something? Yeah, we can put a little, like... How about, like, a little pocket pussy at the end of that thing? Oh, a double putt. I hear puss on puss.

Yeah, puss on puss. Hey, turf fucking. I like it. Why can't we put that at the end of the... Is that impossible? Well, this is where my girlfriend would go, Oh, sorry. I put this thing in my

body it hurts like hell then you get poked oh you're like well i do get poked sensitive area but i get it oh yeah why can't we both complain yeah we have a problem with that in america like well i have i go do this like well i go do this like yeah but well, I go do this. Like, yeah, but mine's worse. Like, all right. But if you cut my leg off and I cut both your legs off, sure, yours is worse. But can I complain about the one leg? Yeah. All right. No, I think you can complain. I mean, but don't you ever complain like a shitload and then you see someone in like

the worst condition ever and you're just like. We were just talking about this at lunch. I'm just like, what am I doing with my life? Sure, sure. You're like, this guy's living in just abject there's abject misery right here he's got no legs he's in a wheelchair something looks like he's like a brain injury yeah then you go like two more subway stops and you're like can you move right can you move it's human nature it's all relative it is but when that guy's around you do you're like god damn i complain too much but i think it's all about gratitude so last night

i'm at burt kreischer's house he bought this new house it's unbelievable the pool the hammock the hot tub the fire pit the deck the barbecue he's got a gym there it's insane and he's using all of it i go out there he's laying in the pool then he hits the gym then he does a podcast and then he's got these big dogs running around and I was like, this house is incredible. We did a shoot. We had cigars after by the fire pit. He really uses it and he really loves that house.

And I feel like a lot of people get rich and they go, I'm bored. What's next? He's like utilizing it and enjoying it. I think that's the key. Do you remember when we went to Whitney Cummings' place in LA? Not a room! Every room was empty. It was a a room. Every room was empty. It was a giant mansion. One room was being used as a podcast studio.

That was it. It had pools and tennis courts and rock wall. It's under construction. I've been there, too. It was under construction. Okay, I'd rather shit on her. She had one room just to cry in. But, yeah, that's true.

That house was very underutilized. In New York, that's just our only room. to cry in. But yeah, that's true. That house was very underutilized. In New York, that's just our only room. Right, right. That's just where we cry. And that's the other thing. We live in Manhattan. So when I went to this guy's house, you're just like, oh my God, the front lawn is huge. But you still don't want to move, do you?

No, I'm not going to LA. I'm not saying that. I don't want to catch on fire. But it was just really sweet how grateful he was. Isn't it funny when California people are like, we've got weather. I'm like, your city is literally on fire in Los Angeles. You're bragging about weather. God is sending you a message.

Yes. You know what I mean? Like, this is fucking serious. Yeah, yeah. The crime is bad. The fire. And then the homeless, they have a skid row. Yeah.

Where'd that term come from? I'll look it up. Please. Yeah. Google, bitch. I've always wondered what that means, because there's a band. Little Shop of Horrors, too, has the song Skid Row. Oh, really?

Yeah. Wow. Lumberjack Camps in the Pacific North. LA's fun, in small doses. It's fun in doses. Like I was excited to be there and excited to leave. That weather, though, is pretty nice. Skid Row has its origins in the lumberjack camps of the Pacific Northwest.

There you go. Back to the early pioneer days. I don't get it. All right, they would cut lumber along a carved out area of the wilderness. I guess that's Skid Row. I don't know why it's called Skid Row. This is like when the teacher explains something and you're like, I still don't understand. Still don't get it.

I'm no professor, but I'm confused. All right. All right. Well, the homeless is getting out of hand. Everywhere. Here too. They're just popping them up. Yeah.

But in LA, they're still handsome. They are. In LA, you're like, shit, this guy was on The Surreal Life a few them up. Yeah. But in L.A., they're still handsome. They are. In L.A., you're like, shit, this guy was on The Surreal Life a few years ago. Theirs are more handsome, but I feel like ours are more talented. I think here you get a guy juggling or playing some buckets. You know, you got to work for it a little. Broadway versus TV homeless. Exactly.

We have the song and dance homeless here. Right, right. Because, you know, millions of people. You got to stand out. Yeah, you're like, this dude was cats and broadway five years ago and yeah he can still crank out mr mistoffelees on the because he's still got it the homeless in new orleans fucked up because they all do the same shit they all found a rusty trumpet somewhere and they learn how to play it or they have the we do the uh bottle caps on the bottom and they tap dance, and it's great, but I'm like,

you see the same shit block to block. You're like, yeah, yeah, when the Saints go marching in. Come on, move it. Exactly. But they get pretty good when you've got all day to practice. I used to have a joke about that, how you see a homeless guy come on the train, and he's singing, and you're like, oh my God, this guy's incredible. Then another guy comes on, and he goes, I'm homeless, I don't have any money

and you're just like, ah, you came at a bad time. You don't want to follow the really talented homeless guy, you know? That's true. You gotta bring it.

Yeah, that was the angle. It was like, you know, it's like here, it's like America's got talent. They're like, I'm homeless,

I don't have any money and you're like, and what will you be performing for us this evening? You did that show. Awful. Let's hear it. Was this Howard Stern? stern no i think if i had stern on i would have done better yeah i think stern uh really like comics our boy gary veder made the top five

that's right he likes comics a lot howard mandel is cool as shit he's but i was on when uh when simon replaced howard who's like he was really nice and oh god kill me this promo I was on when Simon replaced Howard. He was really nice. Oh, God. Kill me. Look at this promo. Kill me. How cool.

What a cool dude. There we go. What do you think? It's five, six years ago? You got to have a story. My cousin will be famous in a few years. Ugh. So 30 for 30?

Oh, this is the best part, actually, because they had to cut together. I got a standing O at this show. Whoa. It's like a 5,000-seater in the Palisades. What? Oh, no, Pasadena, not Palisades. Pasadena. But I'll tell you the back backstory for this in a sec but

yeah keep going here this is no no keep going the way when the elevator the other day i farted i laughed when the pretty girl came on i was like that's not funny anymore it was my stop i got off door shut she stuck with a fart the cut to them all standing here no leave it after a fart joke is the dumbest thing i've ever seen and by the way that set was in la i'm walking they were like we'll make it look like i'm like they're like you're a new yorker yeah we can make it look like new york yeah they just have like a set on some lot oh it's like this is a new york set i'm like this is i'm so unhappy right now and then uh brother's lot i love the way they cut together. I'm just doing a fart joke.

Everyone's like, yeah, that's very. And then, yeah, I remember before that set, these two Jewish rappers went on and I thought they were like kind of good. And Simon's like, you're terrible. You're the worst, least talented people I've ever seen. I'm just like, oh, my God, I got to follow this. Then, well, like they didn't feed us for the longest time. I was panicking.

I remember there's like I'm texting my mom. Like, I i'm so anxious this is like i have to be here for like 12 hours and uh no no hold on a sec everyone's like freaking out back there and it's one of the things where they're like uh yeah we after i got off i got a standing oh after i got off they were like we don't know if we're going to use any of that and i was like i just flew to la wow i got a standing ovation like against you like you picture you see comics bomb on this shit oh yeah i'm nervous and they're mean to you you don't just bomb you get picked apart yeah and it's like you have no like that's our biggest fear is not getting final cut and i remember uh yeah i was i was freaked the fuck out. So after that, I was like, you might not use it. And then later, they're like, we're going to use some of it.

I was like, thank God. Yeah. All this shit. Did you get a bump? Because that was a huge show. Yeah, when it aired, it was like a four-minute segment. I mean, it was like the biggest. It was like 10 million viewers.

Four million. I mean, four minutes is a lot. Yeah, I know. I mean, it's better than, way better than like any, because you think what a late night set gets now, like 1 million? Maybe. It's like 10 times that. Yeah.

Wow. And more maybe. You know, it was, yeah, that show, when I did it was huge. Damn. If I went far, I think it would have, but I don't think those, those fans are as loyal as like real stand up fans. No, no. Because you see people get a big bump from it and then it kind of like fizzles.

Right. I don't know if they stay with you. But they know what they're doing those cheeky bastards i did last comic and they they heard you like cattle then they don't feed you they want you to get a little testy because it helps uh you know the bickering and the fighting and all that shit and we did last comic they left us in a van for like an hour they're like sorry guys sorry, guys. We're coming along. We got lost. We're sitting in a van. Now we're all fighting with each other in the van.

And then I farted. Somebody got pissed. And, you know, it got ugly. And they don't let you out of the van. They're like, stay in the van. Blah, blah. Then we go. And there's no lunch.

They had tofu wraps. So, you know, these like fat black comics are like, what the fuck? You know, like pissed off. And then what the fuck you know like pissed off and then you got to perform it was brutal i did a g uh the last comic i mean those shows are painful and they really uh i remember the second so i moved on in that round in the second round uh god it was like they put me in some hotel where there's construction so i couldn't sleep so it's like you're irritable. I'm like, I feel like they knew.

Yeah, exactly. They call around and they're like, what place is getting like drilling early in the morning? Then you get there. They're trying to get me to shit in other comics in the show. I'm like, I'm not going to do it. How did they try and provoke that? They'd be like, what do you, like a comic was on bombing. And he's like, what do you think of this?

And I was just like, some crowds are tough. It's like, I'm just like avoiding them. Like I'm not giving them shit. I'm not going to tear someone down on fucking mbc good for you that's messed up and then uh although it was bad but uh i'm not gonna say that shit no and then uh yeah and then i went on at like midnight i got there like 9 a.m i went on like midnight and uh i did well still i did do well but uh by the way george lopez was a special guest judge and i was like come on comic the comic give me that golden buzzer dude and i remember uh there was some like latino uh dance troupe that went on earlier and he was like you get the one golden buzzer i was like god damn it. You went Latino over comic.

Come on. Yeah. Latino's going to win every time. And so they were really good. And it was like, you see these people. There's like 12 of them. It's so funny. There's like 12 people.

They all have to be in like perfect, you know, sync. They're stretching. They're doing all their thing. I'm literally, I can go on drunk. Like you realize how, what a ruse what we're doing is. Because I'm panicking. I'm texting my mom like, oh, I'm and she's like read a book i'm like read a book like there's two fucking slobs from atlantic city dancing mambo number five next to me you think

i could just like get lost in literature right now come on right this is insane so i remember uh going out and i do pretty well like i was like i mean the the clips online you can see it i'm doing i got like a it was like a two and a half minute set i probably got at least one or two applause breaks i did pretty well and uh i remember simon's like your first set was better i'm like it's midnight yeah jesus this crowd's been here for 10 10 years 10 hours he was really nice in the first round too so i was like maybe simon's like gonna maybe he'll be like my guy yeah simon and i're gonna have like a a bromance you know i got a beef my ex-girlfriend loved science she's like he's so sexy i was like what that guy he sucks and she's like he's something about him he's sexy i'm like if if you fucked him he'd be like your vagina sucks your tits are bad

you need to change genders or whatever the hell. Your pussy is just dreadful. Yeah. But when I did Last Comic, they hated me because they do the, so how do you feel? And you're going to wipe the floor with these other guys? And I'd be like, I don't know, maybe. And they were like, come on, come on. Like, what are you going to do? Are you going to take these kids to school? I'm like, well, some of them are pretty good. I might flub a line.

And they cut the camera. Like, you've got to be competitive. And I'm like well some of them are pretty good i might flub a line and they they cut the camera like you gotta be competitive but i'm like i'm not i'm just i just want to do well and they hated that they don't realize you don't want to it's so nerve-wracking to give someone your life story and see what they do with it like it's nerve-wracking enough to share it and you have control but then when you give it to someone else right you know it's in their best interest to make you look foolish because that's what people respond to yeah it's failure like we know a comic who went on agt and they made him look worse than the actual set was like they'd cut away to people like what can you imagine going on and doing okay and then they just cut to people like yeah that was louis ck uh yeah yeah reality sucks oh what is that what are they trying to show that he got work done or something yeah he got some neck uh suck in you can see is it possible they just lost weight i

think women find yeah he's mean and rich yeah Does he do anything for you as a lady? No, really? Who's like an older guy that you're like, that's a hot older guy? That's a good question. I don't know. Clooney? It's kind of cliche. No, I don't think so.

Harrison Ford? Sometimes I just see some nice zaddies on Instagram out of nowhere. Like the algorithm just puts them in front of me. I'm like, okay. But I don't know who they are. Yeah, that algorithm's pretty good. I mean, you go to my For You page, and it's tits, Norm MacDonald, asses. That's it.

That's hilarious. And like a little bit of skateboarding. I've got tits basketball and comedy. That's on my three. Yeah, yeah. I got Michael Jordan over Byron Russell in game six, or I have just some random MILF cleavage. Yeah. That's mine.

Is that on your algorithm, or is it just us? They're just mine. Yeah. Yours are on mine as well. But yeah. Tits. Tits. They keep the world round.

So we do have some news. Oh, let's do some news. You guys want to jump into it? Jump in. Let's do it. This is a post. Uh-oh. Anne Frank, still in the news after all these years.

Tiverton Restaurant. That's in Rhode Island, right? Yeah, they wrote. Can you widen that out? I'm trying to. Tiverton Restaurant receives backlash for Anne Frank's social media post. It's hotter than an oven in here. And I should know.

Holy shit. That's not a good promo tactic, probably. The guy who posted it said, I didn't know that was Anne Frank when I posted it. That makes no sense. Yeah, what did you think? Was it Greta Thunberg? We all know that face. What do you think?

Yeah, wait. So he's like, wait, so my perfectly structured joke no longer works. Right, right. What do you think, who do you think it is? Even if he thought it was just some victim from the Holocaust. Yeah, it's still fucked up. Oh, not the famous one. Yeah, you really don't know where the world's gonna go. You're like in an attic somewhere writing a diary and they're like, someday some dude with a bar in Rhode Island is going to use you as a punchline.

Right, right. I think she's dealt with worse. She can handle it. Oh, yeah. Tough, tough lady. All right, well, Boomer Man is really struggling with the old HTML out here. She can handle a computer, Matt? Good lord.

Hold on. I'm looking at me. All right. Yeah, Anne Frank. That's like saying don't look down. You're just going to look at him. Did you read the book? Of course, yeah.

Yeah, did you? Pretty good, yeah. She's a good writer. Hey, we should make that the comedy we write. It's an Anne Frank comedy. It's about an addict. It's's about time for hitler yeah exactly female heavy strong female lead uh she's pretty light by the end i think that's that's a good point all right woke warriors say identifying race of ancient human remains

contributes to white supremacy oh activists don't want gender of human skeletons identified either as they can't escape their assigned sex wow well that's not going to be a problem for this generation because you can just pull up their instagram be like look at that ass definitely a woman that's true yeah we got a lot more evidence these days. But that woman who had the ass can change. They could. So it's tough. But also, it's like, I mean, you could just, I think we can say shit going forward, too. I don't know. Like, I, just like, are you looking at, like, what does that mean?

You're looking at Hitler. You're like, I mean, he identified as a man, we think. Yeah, he presented as white. I don't know what that means. I, you know. Yeah. What does that, what does it matter if they're we get their race what does that do it doesn't they're fucking dead they're not gonna be hurt

by who they're assigned exactly but i don't even get where white supremacy comes in i saw this story also uh it had uh an angle of saying it was like don't assume their gender when you dig up a neanderthal don't say it was a male neanderthal or a female neanderthal just say it up a Neanderthal, don't say it was a male Neanderthal or a female Neanderthal, just say it was a Neanderthal. I think they had bigger problems back then. Yeah. I think where's my next meal coming from was a pretty big one. Yeah, or here comes a mammoth.

Yeah, exactly. Wow, we got too much time. Oldest known gay. All right. All right. Have archaeologists uncovered the remains of the first known gay man? The male skeleton was found on its side facing east. Obviously a homo.

And was surrounded by domestic jugs. Well, maybe not gays. Objects previously seen only in female graves. An oval egg-shaped container, usually associated with female burials, was also found at the feet of the skeleton. Well, I saw this article, and I think it's because some men were buried with a bad lax or something like that. And this guy was buried streaming The Real Housewives. I think the true test, if we got the skeleton you gotta go off wrist you know if we got a

fucked up limp wrist that's the gay test when I see egg shaped container I'm thinking that's the vibrator is that a good vibrator? the egg? yeah you remember that old DiPaolo joke he's like I was hooking up with a girl she pulled out a dildo looked like a pepper shaker big black thing pepper shaker that's great my gal texted me this weekend

which i don't know how to take this she goes uh the i can't find my vibrator charger and i'm like all right well it's fun i know you're about to jerk it but also i'm not there and you're jerking but also you have a vibrator i don't know it was a you thought of me for a weird reason yeah you didn't think of me to help you come you thought of me to help you find the thing that's gonna help me come that's a great point that's weird yeah i don't know. That shows my role. My role isn't getting her off. It's helping her fix shit.

Yeah, you want to be on the fucking floor. You don't want to be an assistant coach here. Right. But I wasn't there. You're the IT guy for her coming. Yes. There you go. Hello, customer service.

Thank you. Come again. All right. What about, yeah, that's weird. That's interesting. Although we never have to notify them when we're going to jack off. Ah, good point. I still do, though.

I don't have to, but I'm like, just want to let you know. I'm jerking one. Yeah, Phil Hanley, our boy, had us a joke about a girl his day and said, do you jack off to me? And he goes, oh, yeah. He goes, it's an easy crime to cover up. That's true. His other one. I don't know if it's in this special.

Maybe we'll cut this out if it is. I mean, it's going to be out soon anyway. It's a special, yeah. The girl I'm seeing sent me a still photo of her boobs and she said, I want you to jerk off to this. And he's like, what am I, a World War II GI? That's true. it's hard now we've with the porn we have it's very relatable women will sometimes ask you like like oh did you jack off to that and you're like you do you want to see my browser history do you want to see what it's taken for me to nut yeah now here's why women and

men are different 1980 1980s comedian. Let's get him a fucking blazer real quick. Please. I'll roll the sleeves up. If Phil Hanley sent me that photo of her tits and I jerked off to him, and I was like, hey, I saw your tits and jerked off to him, she'd be like, what the fuck? But if I sent my gal a dick pic and she sent it to her friend and her friend jerked off to my dick, I'd be through the roof.

I'd be on the moon. I'm with you. Okay. I think you're right. It took me a second to process, but I think, yeah, it's a fair point. It's less violating. Yeah, if a woman saw a picture of my dong and had to rub one out, I don't care who it is.

It could be my aunt. I'd be flattered. Eh, maybe not the aunt. Maybe the uncle. Also, Phil's girl sends him a picture of her tits. It's less exciting than if you saw his girlfriend's tits. That is also true. You're not supposed to see them.

I had a woman dump. I want to do a bit about this. I had a woman dump a bottle of wine in my bed by accident. And I was like, oh, my God. And then she goes, she just grabbed my dick. I had a woman dump a bottle of wine in my bed, like by accident. And I was like, oh my God. And then she goes, she just grabbed my dick. I'll make it up to you. And I'm just like, that's fucking female privilege. Yes.

I can't ruin your shit and be like, all right, whip out your vagina. That's so true. No, I'll make it up to you. I was with you the night after that. You told me, you're like, I just had the worst night. You were up all night, right? Oh, yeah. Oh, it's a bad night. Tough night.

Che had that great joke about like how on joke about how on his girlfriend's birthday, he would get her flowers, chocolate, take her out to dinner. On his birthday, she would blow him. And he's like, that should be a Tuesday. That shouldn't be a birthday. We should just be blowing each other all the time. Again, female priv. Yeah.

You're not going to turn down a BJj but yeah no it's not did you have another privilege joke you just told me like an hour ago about your sneakers oh that wasn't even a joke uh one time me and shay were hanging out and i showed up and i had some new balance on i had a hole in the sneaker and he goes that's white privilege because i think as we were talking about i think black people they dress so sharp because if they don't people are like what's up with that guy wow so that's like oh you never think about that wow you know yeah like bill burr that great bit about how he's like black guys with dirty sneakers scare the shit out of me which is that's kind of profound wow his bit speaking of didn't you see the new burr special

we did we talked about it on here. We really blew it up, yeah. We blew it up. We loved it. Yeah, I love Bill. He's excellent. So good. Hey, hey, folks.

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So you don't, you know, blow it up on someone else. It's like, it's like jacking off. You wait, you let it load too long. You become horny as shit. You try to fuck everything. Do that with therapy. Is that a bad plug? We'll see.

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He doesn't. I think this is a work. I think this is a WWE work. What just happened? To, like, raise money. He's laying down while the robbers come in. Oh, wow. Oh, there's a robbery.

This guy on the left is, a assistant pastor or something just not moving that's a good cameraman though he's like let me let me get all this we'll get it captioned we'll blow it up on ig what the fuck this guy isn't doing anything i'm so confused yeah everything's off screen here is there an audience i think it's recording it on tv oh where's your god now bish so they're robbing him of his jewelry here man it's taking a long time wow wow robbing a bishop i wonder if that's a worse crime than robbing a regular is it i don't know i don't know i think that's like only with cops probably officer down yeah yeah you shoot an officer it's way worse punishment is that what that was all thing that's oh okay yeah we didn't need a video for that

that wasn't like a very exciting video damn that was uh gunpoint you saw the hooded guys come in and everything that was wild wild. Yeah, dude. You know, my parents got held up at gunpoint when I was 14 at my house. Yeah. That's why we moved eventually. Damn. I remember in New Orleans, the one night my friends went out without me. Like, I was just like, I stayed in.

They went out. They got held up at gunpoint. New Orleans, man. They fucking... Oh, yeah. Scary. What happened with your parents? I was at a Mardi gras parade and it was

like a thursday night i was out with a bunch of friends catching beads getting drunk and i came home there's a bunch of cop cars and uh you know i see my mom talking to the police i'm i cry i'm freaking out i'm like what the hell happened because you just assume they're dead you see all the cop cars the neighborhood movie you're running in slow motion yes exactly and you know you run in the cop goes you better not he's holding me i push him off me like you're running in slow motion yes exactly and you know you run in a cop goes you better not he's holding me i push him off me like you're on your knees they're playing gimme shelter yeah so i see my brother my dad and they're all talking to the police and the cops are you know doing this shit and i'm like oh okay they're all okay and then one of the cops told

me what happened i just broke down and then this is this this is stupid 16 or 15 year old boy thinking i go get in the car boys and me and my friends drive around new orleans aimlessly like we see those guys wearing my mom's pearls and my brother's shoes or whatever we're gonna get out and beat the shit out of meanwhile it's like two scary ex-cons with guns but we're like let's drive around you know my friends are like okay and i'm looking out the window let him run out of steam just keep driving yeah exactly the second you see them you run out you're like you piece of shit immediately get shot yeah yeah that was but they caught the guys did they went because they took

the credit cards in the atm and they went to the atm and then we got the video footage my dad ID'd them they're wearing clean sneakers but they turned out they were your brothers so that's how they yeah yeah exactly so they got them but that that was like the last paper straw and we got the hell out of there did your mom give them the code to the ATM Bosco did yeah did that happen yeah oh yeah all of it is a boss code Bosco? Bosco. That's a Seinfeld. But did she give him the code? Yeah yeah. That's scary.

That's right Bosco. George likes Bosco. And after that my mom had to go to therapy and that was in the 90s when it was like oh shit she needs therapy to cut to every

person we know in therapy. Yeah. Now it's like we're in like a real therapy movement right now. Oh yeah. It's a good time to be a real therapy movement right now oh yeah it's a good time to be a therapist that job was really pandemic proof too like holy shit that was like

the only job that got like better during the pandemic you're like oh i don't have to pay for an office anymore i just chill at home and right good point did you do therapy yeah i was gonna say they're at home mine had to like check on muffins well oh yeah oh mine would have his wife like talking to me he's like i'm in a session and i'd be like hold on one second let me just deal with something yeah this never happened when i went to your office yeah my therapist is running a restaurant he had an anne frank poster it's crazy but his jokes were good by the way if you take a text while you're in therapy your therapist therapist to be like this is really hostile what you just did to me.

Meanwhile, this guy is taking – I take texts in therapy sometimes. You do? Not face-to-face. No, I don't. Okay, but on Zoom. Well, it's because it would pop up. I sometimes forget to shut off my messages.

Oh, right. They pop up. And if it's nothing important, I don't respond. But, you know, sometimes something pops up yeah that's true and you can't help but see it if a text pops up on your phone and you see it you can't ignore it because now your brain is is thinking about that and processing that you always feel like you like that one hour is like when hollywood's gonna call like they want you to be the new spider-man i'm like i'm like dude i missed it yeah i was bettering myself but andrew garfield's out sam morel's in i'm like no it expired it was only for

it was only for 13 minutes but that's the thing is every time i go i'm taking a phone break i'm putting my phone down i'm putting it on airplane mode and then you open it and your mom's like i'm having another kid wait what are another kid what's going on here you just look back it just says rape 40 times you're like what yeah the hell you look behind you a guy's raping you should answer my text you do that does happen though it's like question mark question i'm like the one time i put my fucking phone down i know i know but then really do you ever really miss anything i know i know my therapist doesn't i mean he's he's pretty good about but the one thing is he's older so i will deal with like

tech shit on the uh on the zoom sometimes where he's like i can't hear you i'm like i hope this isn't coming out of my time right yeah right that's true you ever had them cancel on you feels pretty good that's a good feeling it's good because you're like yeah okay i got some i'll do something else yeah i don't really want to go but i know i have to right so when they cancel you're like it's it's nice what do you add about uh once every two weeks every week every week wow what are you doing i do once every two now yeah i've been spacing it out monthly yeah but uh i don't know the weekly was i was making up stuff you know i was like i'm out i'm out of shit like how about the those nets you know you're making up shit well yeah i was running out of shit but i had to fill the tub and pay it for the guy yeah you're running bits yeah it's not a

bad place to like sneak a bit in that's true because this is like he's not faking laughs that's true you know and i've told you shit that that alan said to me, and you're like, that's a bit. So I've gotten bits out of it, and so have you. You get bits there. And also, yeah, because also it's like a place your mind is free. Like, if you don't look at text for like an hour, you're like, holy shit, my brain is like moving at a different speed. And you're unloading, and you're vulnerable.

So it's almost like a podcast. When I do get a laugh out of him, I'm like, I take it down. I'm like, how many people take notes in therapy? And he goes, you're the only one. I was like, all right, good. I'm like, I take it down. I'm like, how many people take notes in therapy? And he goes, you're the only one. I was like, all right, good. You take notes? I take notes. Whoa.

If he says something really heavy, I don't want to forget it. Oh, see, I just. If he says something really good, I know I will forget it if I don't take a note. And I'm like, oh, that's a good observation. I film it. I film the whole thing. I bring a camera in there. Well, speaking of bits, you guys cooking up anything?

Oh, I got a hot one. I got some ideas. You go first. I need your help on an ending, but it's, I finally have a good one. I feel like the last four weeks I've been bombing with the new bits. That's kind of what this is for. I feel weird when I bring something too prepared on here. But sometimes my shit's either so bad it's not worth bringing in or it's kind of finished.

Exactly. It's hard to find that middle ground sometimes exactly yeah yeah uh so our one of our friends is sober i wonder who this could be about yeah exactly we've got a couple sober friends that's true but he's sober because the last time he got shit faced he fucked somebody and got herpes. So now he has herpes and he's sober. But every time we hang out, we can't drink, obviously, because he's sober. So we have to have all these activities. We have to go fucking bicycling or canoeing or rappelling. And I'm like, dude, just because you have herpes doesn't mean we have to do the commercial.

Wow, that's funny. And that hits. And now i'm like all right now where do i go with it so i thought about like what about the side effects you know you always hear herpes medication side effects and uh he's like yeah there's medication on the side effects are like depression laziness uh suicidal thoughts and i'm like maybe i have herpes and that's one way i might go with it, I would take out laziness because you're being active in the joke, too. Ah, good point.

I would say, like, depression, suicidal thoughts, you know. Hiking. Anxiety or neurotic, yeah. Neuroses, explosive diarrhea. You're like, shit, I think I have herpes. Right, right. So the first part is hitting, and I might try that one tonight on some show, that second part. Because I feel like a joke has to have a little more than just that one laugh.

Yeah. It feels like I'm leaving shit on the table here. Yeah, no, I think that's funny. I mean, I also think it's funny that you have to be more active because he has herpes. Yes. Like his mistake is making you do cardio now. Oh, that's good. You're like, I have to go shoot hoops in

the park because you fucked the chick with an std this is crazy but it's making my life better hopefully you get uh chlamydia next thing i know i'm uh i got a 12 pack you know next time i'm in a triathlon it's like the new p90x your friend's getting uh yes he drank a 12 pack you've got a 12 pack ah there you go there we go 12 nice we go. 12-pack. Salamanca. Nice. Hector Salamanca. Okay, what do you got? So I had one.

I don't know where to go yet, but the idea is I'm looking at apartments, and it's a lot like going on dates. You know what I mean? You look at the apartment, and then you're like, wow, at first you're like, this is great. And then after a minute, you're like, oh like oh shit whoever was here last did a real number on this place i don't know that's good like the last guy might have fucked this up a little bit that's good you know what i mean that's good like the first part did okay well i'm just like yeah it's a lot like internet dating the pictures always look better online that there was like whatever yeah and this that's the line that hit the line where i'm like whoever was here last

really fucked it up i don't know where to go next it's like one of them was like it'd be easier to go dating if you had like a dating realtor like someone to like make you who built up the person you're dating with maybe like that someone who's like uh this this girl have you seen this girl she's already gotten multiple offers today like this girl because i was looking at a place and this guy was like trying to show. You ever go to one of these places? This may be a different bit. But this guy is like, he's like, dude, this building, like this building is going to blow you away.

We're in the elevator. He's like, do you see how fast that elevator was? I'm like, you're not going to sell me on an apartment. I'm not Amish. Yeah, yeah. The elevator is not shocking me. Yeah. Well, I try to do a bit like this. And Dave Attell had a similar bit, so I dropped it.

But I was doing Tinder and Zillow, how similar they are, but this is different. But I dropped it. I know that Attell bit where he's like, I'd like to dump a load in that, like washer-dryer. Exactly, exactly. I'd like to dump a hot load in that. Yeah. It's a great bit. But how about the difference between dating and apartment hunting is you want to make it serious immediately.

Like if you like the apartment, you're like, I'm in. That's the angle. I'm moving in. With a girl, you're like, I'll move in in a year or two years or whatever. I'm not signing shit. Yes, exactly. You're like, hey, with an apartment, you're not like, what else do you have? Yeah, yeah.

Oh, and how about the last guy fucked this up, but she's got a lot of work done. You know, fake tits. No, the difference is work done on an apartment is good. Work done on a woman is not as good. Yeah, we go. You're signing a lease and signing a prenup. Right, right. New kitchen, new face.

Yeah, new kitchen kitchen new tits although come on oh how about this here's your here's your tag that last place was uh really fun i mean we went in the back door all right i'll see you all in hell thank you sponsor us he's doing i mean considering we feel shit, this isn't like the worst, you know. Yeah, I did a KFC radio. Today? No, no. This is like last week.

And, you know, it's at Barstool. Yeah. I go in there. They're all watching us. Every monitor is me, you, doing this show. And then I saw one, they were watching Kreischer. One was watching tiger belly i'm like i was walking down the hot the halls there i was getting high fives dude so i gotta

go in for you so i closed the bar down on saturday night yeah i'm drinking at a classic new york place called corner bistro classic great one of bourdain's favorite spots too great late night burger myers there a lot really yeah all Yeah, all the time. Does he have butcher's knife? He's a regular there. Wrong Mike Myers. Nice joke. But, you know, we were there all night, and my boy John Weisberg, we're hanging, getting lit up. That's a great spot.

The bartender is cool as shit, this guy Jack, and he goes, he made some comment, and then he was like, we were talking for a while, and he's like, what do you do? I said, I'm a for a while, and he's like, what do you do? I said, I'm a comic and whatever. And he's like, oh, man, I used to bartend at this place, and they get all kinds of huge names popping in. Like this guy Mark Norman. My friend and I, we both started laughing our ass off.

That's a low bar for a huge name. You can scrape a barrel at this place. I knew he wouldn't be able to take that compliment. You know what? The new compliment is my friends are sending me shit on dating apps, and they're like, guys, like I know a girl, and she's like, guys are using you in their photo as their cover. That's a big one.

That's kind of nice. Yeah. That is nice. Yeah, so thanks for sending those, ladies. Hell yeah. Wait, this is Corner Bistro? bistro yeah yeah go in there sometime i love that i go there all the time that's one of my favorite village spots very village we were drinking a lot of vodka all night and then at some point we were drunk enough that we switched to white claw and let me tell you something man white claw is fucking good it goes down easy i like white black cherry white claw let's fucking go that's my favorite

flavor too love it but the hangover is nothing nice yeah why is the hangover so bad because it's all corn syrup it's all chemicals is there a lot of corn syrup in it it's malt liquor yeah it doesn't say what the liquor is so it's like a malt lick exactly yeah it really fucks you i really was hurting yeah it's a smart drink though because it's so light and airy that you feel like you're not doing anything then three later you're like oh i'm hammered yeah i was not feeling good yeah you don't want to end on white claw so you close the place out like what 4 a.m what is that 4 a.m yeah wow that's impressive thank you yeah it really is impressive impressive is really the right word for that. Not sad and pathetic.

Well, that's the problem with Houston. But in New York, the bar closes at 4, you go home, you go to bed. In Houston, the bar closes, and then we would go to a friend's house and drink there. Because everybody's house is so big, and there's a big couch. You don't bring people to your house in New York. Yeah. You know, it's too tight. Tight.

Yeah, any recs? By the way, I watched the bear on your rec. It's incredible. Yeah. You know, it's too tight. Tight. Yeah. Any recs? By the way, I watched The Bear on your rec. It's incredible. It's pretty good, right? Man, that main, all the acting's incredible. Acting's great. That main dude, I'm like, holy shit. Like, that's like, and the guy who plays the cousin, I'm like, that's like a.

He steals it. That's like a De Niro, Mean Streets. Yes. Eric Roberts, Pope and Greenwich Village type of character. He's from the last season of Girls. He's excellent. Oh, really? Amazing, yeah. They're He's from the last season of Girls. He's excellent. Oh, really? Amazing, yeah.

And the cast is so good. It's beautifully, it feels so Chicago. Yes. The big Malort sign. Yes. I love it. I love when something is a love letter to a city like that. It's so good.

It captures it with the L train and everything. I know some people that don't like it. I talked to a couple people that don't like it, but it's so up our alley, I feel like. The way that tension. So fast yes yeah that last episode is so good i've gotten to it oh have you i finished it yeah oh my god it's great not to give anything away but the first half of the last episode where they just oh it's heavy get there baby i also have heard i haven't seen this show but i've heard the new new show also on FX, The Old Man is Incredible with Jack Bridges. I heard that too, actually.

My parents love it and our boy Ronan was like, it's so good. Oh, he hates everything. He hates everything. He's such a fucking hater. Interesting. Are you guys watching The Offer? People keep wrecking that to me, The Offer. I know, I haven't seen it.

Miles Teller. Yeah, yeah, it's the story of the it's about the making of of the godfather yeah yeah i mean you can't go wrong with jeff bridges and john lithgow i know right two titans by the way we see you guys harassing charlie sheen on social media to come on this podcast keep coming baby keep doing it hidden up the sheen even simon rex our boy, even texted me. Did he text you? No.

He said, I'm listening to the pod. I hear the sheen. It's all loud and clear. I've already texted him about it. He said, I haven't heard back. He might have changed his number. He changed his number a lot. We're getting that one degree of separation.

Exactly. We're there. We're close. That's what cool party dudes do. They change their number a lot. Yeah, that's true. I got to do that. I have the same numbers as high school.

Me too. Me too. I ran into someone on the street. He was like, same number? I was like, yeah. Yeah, yeah, same, same. People always go, what's your number? And I write it down.

They go, 504, New Orleans. I'm like, yeah, same number. That expression, I've got your number. Oh, yeah. Where's that from? That's got to be that. It's got to That expression, I've got your number. Oh, yeah. Where's that from? That's got to be that. It's got to be that. I've got your number.

Yeah, 917. Are you 917? Damn. When 646 came in, I was kind of like, I want no part of that. What about 314 is the other one? There's a third New York. I don't know. I think it's 314.

212 is a New York one. 212 as well. That's's it that's what it is sorry damn late bloomer sorry bro sorry dude nerd alert put the gun down matt put it down oh fuck he's dead yeah he fucking killed himself i think sorry i think we went a week without a shooting did we hey look at. Depending when this comes out. Yeah, good point. And also depending what you consider a shooting. That's definitely not true.

That's true. That's 100% not true. Yeah, you got me there. So you're doing a wreck there, Mark? I'll look this up. Oh, yeah, I didn't even give one either. You did the bear. No, but I was Mark's wreck.

I was commenting on the wreck that he gave that I now watched. Well, I could wreck Pedialyte. Also, I want to give a shout-out to High Noon, because that on the wreck that he gave that I now watched. Well, I could wreck Pedialyte. Also, I want to give a shout out to High Noon because that is the best seltzer, I think. Yeah, exactly. I can't wait till we do those RPDs. Is that what they call those little canned drinks? Oh, yeah.

RTDs, sorry. What do I call them, RPDs? Role playing game. Yeah, RPD. RTD. Sorry. I want to do. RTD. Sorry. I want to do Old Pals. I want to do Manhattan's.

I want to do Boulevardier's. Yeah. And you don't see those, so that'll be. Exactly. Old Pals. That sounds great. And I got to give a shout out to our guy, Chris, who's the whiskey distiller. And I had lunch with him in Houston. He got us steaks and shrimp and oysters.

It was amazing. I saw that. He was texting me. He gave me some great bottles to take home. Did he give you some bottles? No. No, what the hell? He took you to dinner.

Yeah. But I drank some of it last night. It's great. He gave me great whiskey. Oh, he knows his stuff. I'm pumped. I mean, he's been fun to work with. I think we're going to have this.

I know Bodega Cat's been taking forever, guys. It's really, we're this close. Now it's like getting past some bullshit state laws, but we're there. It's coming. It'll be online first, and then eventually, he said he's going to send us 10 cases. Dude, it's going. And we'll send it to our friends and families. I'll bring bottles out.

I mean, I already brought it to the cellar one night. I was drinking it with Phil Hanley, Liz, the manager, Shane Gillis. They were all very, very impressed. It's going to be at the Comedy Cellar by the end of the year. Hell yeah. And you can order it at the Comedy Cellar. Yeah. That's going to be fucking cool.

How New York is that trip? How New York is that trip? You go to the cellar and you get Bodega Cat? Yes, good point. Wait, you're a distributor? Yeah, I work with the distributors, so hopefully it comes my way. See, it's all locking in. I would love to get that on menus.

Please. Let's get that shit. She's in with every bar in the city. Let's get into some classic bars in New York. What are some classic bars that need a corner bistro? I mentioned it to him, and he was like, we'll see. I'll bring a bottle in, man. Oh, please.

I'll fucking bring a bottle in. Have Mark do it. Mark, you do it. Oh, yeah, I'm a big shot. He's we'll see. I'll bring a bottle in, man. Oh, please. I'll fucking bring a bottle in. Mark, do it. Mark, you do it. Oh, yeah, I'm a big shot. He's a big shot. I'll bring a headshot in. Holy shit, are you big-name comedian Mark Norman? We got stopped in the street on the way here.

Some guy goes, hey, man, I'm a comedian. No, no, he first said, hey, you're sexy. Oh, yeah, hey, you sexy beast or something. And I was like, oh, hey. And he goes, I got to talk to you, which immediately I'm like, I'm out. I don't want to talk to you. You're out of the closet? Yeah, I'm out of the closet.

And he goes, I got to talk to you. And I'm like, all right. Well, there you go. And he goes, I'm a comedian. I go, all right. That's sweeten the deal. And I got out of there. Literally everything that Mark doesn't want to hear.

Do my podcast. And you're like, all right. There's no chance that will benefit me in any way if I stop. everything that Mark doesn't want to hear. Do my podcast and you're like, alright. There's no chance that will benefit me in any way if I stop. Oh, I know. You know, it'll be like, can I do your pod? Can you give me some tips? Can you take me on the road? Whatever it is. Yeah.

How's that Pedialyte treating you? Grape is a good flavor. Do you want to try it? I'll take a sip. It's fucking delicious. Love a little grape. It's a great flavor. Grape culture. This poor bastard was on the red eye today. Oh yeah. Got off a's a great flavor. Grape culture. This poor bastard was on the red eye today. Oh, yeah. Got off a red eye this morning. Yeah, dude.

I took, listen to this cocktail of sleeping pill. I took three melatonin, half a Xanax, one sleeping pill, and an edible. You got to be careful there. I slept the whole thing. I didn't even plug my phone in because i fell asleep so early and i woke up to oh yeah a bad landing is really the worst thing it was bad but it woke me up i had a bad landing recently it was the last flight i took really bad landing and just like we just went boom everyone's like oh my god what's good about that is you don't have long enough to be scared. That's true. Because it just happens. You're like, what the fuck?

Man. Try not to make a Kobe. We're going to keep it moving. But yeah, yeah. Bad landing is rough. You know what else is a bitch in a flight? Do you sleep on planes? I can't.

Not even a cat nap? If I'm in one of those lay flats, I can maybe. Oh, yeah. But I'm still sick three. so those fucking lay flats are even. Even in those lay flats, my toes are kind of peeking out. That's true, yeah. Can you sleep? I can sleep pretty good.

I can get like an hour, but I drool. So first off, I wake myself up going, like, oh, shit. Then you're all embarrassed, and then you're like, oh, and it's on your shirt. It's a mess. Terrible. I sat next to a really bad guy on the way back from Costa Rica.

I did a red eye too. It was dark in the plane, quiet. Every so often you just hear, this is the guy next to me. I hate the loud yawn guy. Then he would ping the guy. Do you think he was trying to get your attention? No, that's just him.

Something was off. Because then when the guy came, he'd be like, can I get a Pepsi with ice screaming? He's right here. And everyone just woke up. Yeah. I don't want to get you guys riled up here, you two. But we had a nice, peaceful plane ride. It's red ice, so those lights go off immediately.

Orthodox Jewish kids. They wouldn't shut the fuck up. a nice peaceful plane ride you know it's red eyes so those lights go off immediately orthodox jewish kids they wouldn't shut the fuck up everybody hated them brutal they had the the hair thing going and everything the payas yeah brutal don't don't make a payas joke i'm not i did it once i got it out but every kid on the plane was fine hispanic kid black kid white kid but those orthodox jews would not shut the fuck up well there was that story years ago where like these these orthodox jews would not uh like they won't sit next to women on flights so they won't change seats so the flight gets delayed oh and it's like you got to check your religion on the flight exactly what's the

religion say about the red eye or being on a plane at all so like i mean it didn't help i was throwing bacon at him but mark all right fuck you pay us fuck you pay me leave your religion off the flight do you hear that isis we're on the plane take it that one more so that one's more upsetting than the than the loud jewish kids it's close i hope this episode doesn't get flagged on youtube no youtube is cooler than instagram right instagram will flag fucking anything everybody's getting flagged now i'm fucking shadowban still really what is going on i don't know how do you get out of it like be a nice it's only one way out. A John Wick type revenge journey. Here's the movie. We got the pitch.

We have Billy Wayne Davis, a comedian, friend, funny guy. He did a Tucker Carlson joke and it got flagged. Wow. So it's like you get it on both sides. Yeah. It's crazy. Everybody's nervous. I got a toast.

We haven't done a toast yet. Oh, toast. I love a toast. Never done it. We haven't done it in a while. I got a toast. We haven't done a toast yet. Oh, toast. I love a toast. Never done it. We haven't done it in a while. I got a new one. This is a weird one, but a toast to pantry items. Pantry items?

Peanut butter, tuna, beans. They're fucking clutch. Sometimes you're just like, I don't have time. I just want to open a can of tuna. I want to make a quick melt. Yeah. I like the pantry items. I like how you can kind of bust them open whenever you feel like.

They don't go bad. They don't go bad. That's true. You don't have to refrigerate it. You just pop it open. You take a scoop. I do that pantry items. I like how you can kind of bust them open whenever you feel like it. They don't go bad. They don't go bad. That's true. The peanut butter, you don't have to refrigerate it. You just pop it open. You take a scoop. I do that every morning. Love a pantry item.

All right. I never heard of it referred to as a pantry item. Is that not a pantry item? It's a pantry item, yeah. What about a cupboard? It could also be a cupboard item. All right. All right.

Well, my side checked out. Okay. No, I like some tuna. Tuna's always salad. Tuna. I eat it out of the can. I'll put a little olive oil and salt on. That's what I do.

You know what I do sometimes? A little olive oil, everything bagel seasoning. Oh, I got the same thing. I get crazy. I go ranch. You mix it up a little. It's like a tuna salad. That sounds nice.

I mean, you do mayo. Why not a tangier mayo? Have you seen the tuna in a bag? oh the sealed hermetically sealed yeah they have a hotel lobby sometimes yeah you're drunk at the end of the night i'm like give me that tuna and the saltine i've done the same thing that's a sad moment right there yeah i got leftovers at a restaurant put it in my mini fridge in the hotel forgot forgot about it, got drunk, woke up. Now I got this, it's basically beef stew and rice, congealed, no microwave. It's four in the morning. I got no fork.

I don't want to be an animal and use my hands. I noticed there's two coffee stirrers on the little coffee thing. Chopstick situation? Exactly. I take them, and I force-fed myself that fatty, brown, viscous jizz all night and went to bed. Love it. Yeah, I had the eating ass ring around my face when I woke up. The Rocky music plays. He's, like, figuring it out.

Yeah. Nothing worse to when you wake up at a hotel and the sheets are dirty from doing this shit oh dirty sheets in a hotel you're just like i'm who raised me what kind of animal am i it looked like a big skid mark gotta leave that extra tip too when you're like i'm really gross this is a really i left this room gross yeah you ever get a little i know we gotta wrap this thing up but you ever look down a hotel, you're walking down a hotel hallway and you look in some rooms, they have the door open. That's some wild shit going on in there.

Like boxes of snacks and waters and just stuffed animals. And you're like, how long are you living here? It's gross. Paul can't play us? Yeah. You think we have the rights to Bill Conti? Is that who that is? Isn't it?

Wow, good. It is. Wow, what a pull. Oh, you better believe this is on my gym playlist. There's a fucking rec for you, a gym playlist. Yeah, that's big. Love a gym playlist. That is big.

That'll fucking get you ready to go down. I mean, you're hungover. I forced myself to just bike a little bit, do some pushups. I had to force myself because I was so hungover. But I was like, I'm going to hate myself if I don't work out and take a cold shower. Yeah. But, yeah, you got that gym playlist. Got a little of that shit on there.

Got a little bit of do a little dance, make a little love, get down tonight. Great composer, too, gym playlist. I don't know if you know him. What do you got on there? What's on my gym playlist? I go, sadly, I go 90s alternative. Like what are we talking? Like, I feel alive.

You know, Pearl Jam, shit like that. Mark's getting yoked to Third Eye Blind. Yes, Sammy Chomp kind of life, baby. Yeah, Mambo No. 5, Thongopped kind of life, baby. Yeah. Mambo No. 5, Thong Song. It's all 90s. Do you really have all that shit on there? I love the 90s.

Sugar Ray. Oh, I can fly. That's the only guy who left a rock star life to be on Extra. That's true. What a weird. It's like, do you want to tour as a rock star? He's like, no, I'd rather be the guy who comes down when you're in a hotel on the road. Yeah. Him and Smash Mouth. Yeah. Well, actually, no, I'd rather be the guy who comes down when you're in a hotel on the road. Ha, ha, ha. Yeah, him and Smash Mouth.

Yeah. Well, actually, no. Do they still go on? They're still touring. They're still touring. Wow. They have some fucking, they have some. They're catchy.

They have some hits, dude. You can't deny it. Lead singer, like, wasted, like, not doing well. Oh, good for him. Singing on stage. Pull him up. He looks like an evil Guy Fieri. They've got some, you can pretend you don't like him when you hear

you're in a good mood when you hear that shit yeah it's fun that was in the movie shrek look at that that's guy fieri uh the twin evil twin guy fettuccine jamie's singing all right we got uh i mean some of those songs are fun man uh all-star yeah i mean they're cheesy those songs are fun, man. All Star. Yeah. I mean, they're cheesy, but they're fun. They're fun. Walking on the sun.

Hits for a reason. That made them billions, I bet. I think those are heavily sampled songs. Billions? I think it made them billions. Billions? Not even close to. I think someone else owns those songs because they're very heavily sampled.

All right. Maybe not billions i don't know anything about billions billions good show we gotta wrap this thing up wrap this up tour dates should we do some tour oh yeah what do you got here i'm going off the dome well my special is coming out on september 1st netflix you better fucking watch that shit uh what did you say netflix yes sir same time tomorrow did you say? Netflix? Yes, sir. Same time tomorrow. Did you just announce that just now? No.

No, it was last week. Good for you, Jack. Thank you, bro. Now, are you doing a, I don't know, what do you do on the internet? Like a premiere thing where you talk to the fans an hour before? I'll figure it out. Same time tomorrow, September 1st. Netflix.

Tell your friends. I'll be in Burlington, Vermont coming up. September 1st, Netflix. Tell your friends. I'll be in Burlington, Vermont coming up. Dania Beach, Louisville, Miami. Not Miami. What does that say? Irvine. I'm fucking blind.

Omaha, Phoenix, Lexington, New Brunswick, OKC, Springfield, Missouri, Fort Wayne, Indiana. Happy Thanksgiving to me. Kansas City, Tacoma, Spokane Missouri, Fort Wayne, Indiana. Happy Thanksgiving to me. Kansas City, Tacoma, Spokane. See you on the road. samurell.com slash shows. And those are the shows you want to go to because Netflix will be out, so you'll be working it out. Yeah, dude, I'm working it out.

Go see the Craftsman Crafting. I will be in oh geez well i'm going off the top of the dome seattle portland maine portland oregon vancouver uh toronto new orleans boston uh keep, keep going. Show all dates. Keep going, keep going. Richmond Funny Bone, Red Rocks Amphitheater, something in Bakersfield at the brewing company San Jose Improv. Toronto, Canada in October. Oh, Lincoln, Nebraska. Oh, Pittsburgh, the Roxian Theater,

and Royal Oak, Michigan Theater there. So, oh, Philly at the Fillmore, Nashville, Boston, New Haven, Connecticut. So come on out and say hello. Best pizza in the country, brother. Pepe's. Yeah. Very good.

Sinatra used to get it delivered to his house. All right, that's it. We might be drunk. Get yourself a drink, a Pedialyte, a fake tit. We'll see you out there, folks. Thank you. Thank you, Jamie. Thank you, Jamie.

Salamanca. Sally. Gotham Studios, Matt Peters. Hey, I got to piss. Sunday's the day for my next offender. A bit of Pivoreck, you know the future's close. I've had a little too much bourbon, and Norman's talking shit about the fucking Pope, and I get down in the same way. Up on the roof like a cop's

coming, and naked Samuel is feeling dangerous. I'm out to lunch here in New Orleans. This woman doesn't look like I remember her. And I get down in the same way. We might be drunk.