We Might Be Drunk - Ep 96: Daniel Sloss

Episode Date: October 10, 2022

All the way from Scotland we have Daniel Sloss. After a string of sober eps, we made up for it on this one. Daniel shares hilarious stories, hot takes and a couple bottles of whiskey and he is a big fan of Bodega Cat! If you have a chance to see Daniel on tour, do it: https://danielsloss.com/ Also check out his Netflix specials "Dark" & "Jigsaw" Check out Mark Normand and Sam Morril on the road! http://marknormandcomedy.com/#schedule https://www.sammorril.com/shows Join us on Patreon: Patreon.com/WeMightBeDrunkPod Get some shirts: https://www.bonfire.com/store/gotham-production-studios/ Visit www.betterhelp.com/Drunk for 10% off your first month. Support the show and get 15% off your first Raycon order at https://BuyRaycon.com/MIGHTBEDRUNK15 Visit http://www.manscaped.com and use code DRUNK for 20% off.

Hey folks here we are we might be drunk we're back we're doing it we're uh we're drinking we're drinking we got this is is this our first international app oh daniel sloss yeah is that my popping the like overseas cherry yeah it might be the hymen yeah i'm excited man i'm excited we've been trying we tried to get you last time early very early in the we might be drunk days yeah well i think i would have been i was that was about to be a lie so i would say i would have gotten more drunk then than now because now i'm a dad but that's not changed my drinking like if anything when he wakes up in the middle of the night you just have more energy because you're like oh yeah

i'm in the mood for crying this is good yeah but hungover is hell but hungover with a baby it's got to be rough yeah it does yeah yeah yeah if you don't smoke weed oh hey there you go more drugs yeah like if you're willing to just sit through a hangover and have a baby during that time then yeah that can be shit or you can just coast out the other end because you can be high with a baby that's true you can't be high with a toddler i don't think like once they start recognizing the smell or you're around other parents who know the smell yeah that's when you've got to and like nip it in the butt no pun intended both eating the baby food strained peas baby yeah one for me one for the baby one for me one for the baby um but yeah man being high with the baby's good because you you know i'll stay at plants for 45 fucking minutes if

i'm baked as well we can just go in the garden touch some fucking flowers great day that's a fun day i can't smoke i get so paranoid on weed i can't do it i too i didn't realize until i was in my 30s like now marijuana starts giving me anxiety. But when I was younger, because I was such a cocky piece of shit who thought he was God's gift to the world. Like, I think the paranoia did me a lot of favors. Because, like, I would remember being high and my brain would be like, you're not as good as you think you are. Everyone probably thinks you're a dick. And that was the first time those thoughts had ever occurred to me.

And I was like, oh, my God, maybe they do. And then I started being like, do you think I'm a dick? And people were like, yeah, definitely. And I'm like, oh, this isn't paranoia. This is just the truth. Holy, so you stopped. No, no, no. I just smoked more weed and reflected more on it.

And then I now have an unhealthy dose of anxiety which before i meet people i'm like they are now they already hate me yeah now you have the healthy so uh dose of self-hatred it's not yeah working yeah yeah didn't get that early on just was straight into i'm the best i'm because i started on like a much smaller scene than the new york scene right did you guys start here i did yeah pretty much yeah and like how how long was that before you managed to like i mean is it open mic nights like with open mics and uh but you know then you find other ways to get on like we do the comic strip uh late night late night there's there were clubs that would put you on but you just get the shitty

spots you either while they're getting the checks or yeah you go on at the end of the night and that there's it's funny you you get so mad about that shit and i just wish i could have told myself none of this is gonna matter you're mad because some dude named angry bob cut the line yeah that was his name angry bob true and he was like i'm I'm going on first. And I was like, there's no justice in the world. And I'm like, none of this. Unfortunately, your name's just Sam. I'm Sad Sam. Obviously, we're going to put Angry Bob on first.

He's angry. He flips the fuck out. Yeah, that was his act. What are we drinking here? Today, we're doing Bodega Cat Rye Manhattans. On the rocks. Thank you. Here, Jew. Cheers.

Can we get one for Mike as well over here? Yeah, Mike wants one. All right. Who is Mike? Are you the agent? Publicist. Publicist. Oh, even worse.

That is delightful. That is very, very nice. Love a dark sherry, too. Do you guys not get that? That was very, very nice. Love a dark sherry, too. Do you guys not get that? Like, is there not any fucking weird, like, drinking, what's the word I'm looking for?

Like, fears that you've got to do. What do you do? What's this? If you have to tap the floor before you go on stage. Oh, like an OCD or superstition? Superstition's the word I'm looking for. One in the UK is you have to make eye contact while cheersing someone. I don't like that.

Otherwise you'll have sex for like seven years. I guess that's happening. I mean, we got to. Cheers. Hey. We got to be. Yeah, yeah. There it is.

Hate eye contact. I usually do the eye contact when I cheers, just out of respect. Well, cheers apparently comes from like the fucking days of if you were in a clan and other clans came to visit and you were hosting them. You had to fill your beers and your ales to the top and you put all your drinks in the middle so that your drink would slosh into theirs and their drink would slosh into yours just so nobody was poisoning anyone. And it was like, if we all do this and we're all drinking each other's drinks, then we're all cool. One guy's still getting poisoned way worse than the other everyone else is just get like a mild LSD high choking holding his throat like Joffrey like this can't can't handle his ale so much of life back that was just trying not to die yeah survival man that's what handshakes

where was to show you're not that was hey here's my sword arm there you go and there's nothing in it that's there that's wild you're you're like a real drinker yeah yeah yeah have you been drinking already uh not today uh not yet um good job mike i used to shit on americans so fucking hard when it came to drinking just because. Because we sucked at it? Well, that was certainly my perception because you'd get Americans being like, you know, well, because you guys don't get to drink until 21. Well, we still do. Yeah, yeah.

But like, I remember being like 18 and coming over here and meeting 19 year olds who'd be like, we're underage drinking. I'm like, 13 is underage drinking where I come from. You're a toddler too. Yeah, yeah. I guess it does. I know it happens, but it feels just so much more fucking strict here.

But it feels more punk rock too. I imagine drinking during Prohibition here, that type of drinking must have been fun. Because you're breaking the rules. You're not supposed to be doing it like vodka goes like down somebody's fucking drain in a fucking bottle goes under seven houses and pops up through a chimney in the back and like the cops outside no it's time for chimney vodka that would have been that would have been the fucking best that's our next booze we're gonna sell sell. Chimney vodka. But that's where NASCAR came from, was bootleggers trying to escape the cops.

Really? That's the origin of NASCAR. Wow, I didn't know that. Give it a goog. And they were only escaping in one circle. Yeah. This is never going to end. They didn't know.

They were hammered. But yeah, they would soup up their cars to escape police. And that's NASCAR. There you fucking go. Just in case no one believed me. Moonshine that fueled the growth of stock car racing. Wow. In Appalachia.

And it led to the rise of NASCAR. Interesting. It wasn't gasoline. All right. There you go. Well, it's because the big problem I discovered with drinking over here in this country is one the I never know what to tip I remember the first time coming to New York and not

understanding what the tipping culture was and I can't remember which comic it was but they gave me this advice and you can tell me if this is bad but it seems to have worked for me since which is whenever you get your first drink I first of all didn't know there was such thing as like drinking then a chaser whiskey.

Like I'm from Scotland. Whiskey's the drink. Yeah. And I don't really drink beer because I think it tastes like piss. But I would go for like a cider and a whiskey. And I was like, this is fucking great. But UK measurements are 25 mils or 50 mils. And you cannot give beyond that because it's literally measured out.

Whereas here you guys are just like, how much is too much whiskey? And you're like, about seven blinks of eye contact to go was when you should have stopped. You're cheering the whole time. Cheers is not breaking. That's the problem. I couldn't look down to check. He goes, just tip like five on the first drink,

because then that bartender will not leave you alone any time you're up at the bar. Then beyond that, every drink, you tip a dollar. up at the bar then beyond that every drink you tip a dollar and then by like the fourth and fifth drink they'll just give you like a free drink buybacks yeah yeah which again not a fucking thing so for my first time in new york i did that and it all fucking worked i can drink five whiskeys in scotland and i mean not be fine but i know how much i've had there whereas i'm three whiskeys in in America because I've tipped this guy. It's just up to the fucking drink.

I'm drinking it at the same fucking rate. If it's a gin and tonic, I'm like, this tastes different to the gin and tonics back in the UK. And that's because UK gin and tonics are 25% gin, 75% tonic. As opposed to if you've tipped a bartender $7, it is gin, a bit of vodka, and then they basically just whisper the word lemon on top. They're like, here you go. Here's your favorite cocktail from home. There's something, though, about that, like, you know, where they think they're hooking you up and the drink's just horrible now. Oh, brutal.

Like, I got you, and you're like, I would have just ordered a gin. Yes. I can't drink this. It's poison. But I can't not drink a drink same like you gotta finish it even if it's like even if it's a like a gin and tonic that i know is going to be a problem for me like it's my seventh one and i know this is another four shots of gin i'm like a mature emotionally strong adult would be able to self-reflect and go i don't need that because it's already going to be hard getting home. But I remember being 16 years old and asking people outside of shops to buy me booze and them not buying me booze. And then having to go to that party sober and being like, I'm never going to put booze away again.

If it's ever in front of me, owe it to 16 year old me there's some sober kid in africa who needs me to drink this but i'm the same way i mean remember we were younger you know you go to bars and we couldn't buy booze back then so you just i'll just chug this lady's wine then i'll drink this whiskey that's got a cigarette butt in it but i'm putting it down because you just need to get a buzz yeah yeah let that be a lesson if you can buy kids alcohol do it do it yes because otherwise they're still gonna drink it right but they're gonna drink stuff with cigarette butts in it previously spiked drinks yes you'd be doing all these teenagers a favor if you just bought them some mike hard lemonade you ever you ever get the bar nothing they do here in the states is they

will you'll get them at hand sometimes, and you're like, maybe it's like 18 bucks. It's like, damn, that's really expensive. But they pour it up to here. So you're like, that's a fucking, that's three drinks. I know. You ever go on a date with a girl, and they're like, okay, and they don't drink it. You're like, come on, you're killing me.

That was $19. I was, back when I was, single made me realize how much, I don't think I'm an alcoholic because it's not like I need it to function. I just love it. And when the opportunity arises, we, you know, I don't do it in the mornings.

I don't do it and drive. Yeah. But when I was on dates with girls, um, and I was just like- By the way, that did not make you not sound like an alcoholic. I did not.

I don't do it in the mornings. I don't do it while I drive. I'm like, okay, but that still leaves the afternoon. Public transit. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, man. Park.

They stopped public drinking on the tubes in London. And as the protest the day before, every single tube in Londonondon was just people drinking on it getting shit-faced handing out booze to each other because they're like we'll enjoy this while we can hell yeah yeah and how else are you supposed to get through public transport oh my god if you're not shit-faced problem is most people i know who i drink with are good drinkers you get on that train there's a lot of bad drinkers on yeah they don't

know how to behave. They become the loud drunks. I'm like, these are the people that should have quit. Yeah. Have you got any friends that like you get to a point,

you hang out with them a couple of times, you're like, oh my God, this is like being at summer camp. I've got new friends. We hang out. Oh my God,

we're texting a lot. This is weird. And you hang out every time and it gets better and better and you learn more about each other. And then there's one time you hang out with them and it gets better and better and you learn more about each other. And then there's one time you hang out with them and it's either they drink too much

or you see the coke side of them. Oh, yeah. And you just go, oh, now I've seen the demons in the brain. Like, we lift the top off and I've seen the very dark side. That's how this podcast started. Well,

this podcast was originally called One More Drink. Right. Just based on the fact that Mark and I used to hang out like every night and drink. And then at a certain point, you're on the road every week and you don't see each other that often. So it goes down to like maybe one or two nights you get to hang. So it would be me and Mark. We'd be at the Comedy Cellar. And you guys, we never see each other.

One more drink. There you go. 2 a.m. One more. 4 a.m one more turns into we're leaving at 7 a.m yeah and so we're like it's that it's that spirit of like friendship where you're like oh we we need that one more drink and that's we didn't change it because there was some podcasts with like five episodes yeah we could have done one more if they've only got five episodes, they cannot call themselves One More Ain't Nothing. They're quitters.

That's true. Yeah, we'd had a lot of long nights. But the thing is, you do have that friend where you see the dark side. I remember a friend, he's like, he'd be really funny sober

and then he'd get drunk and you'd see him at the bar, shit face, the bartender like, sir, get out of here. And he'd be like half awake, like, get me a beer, you bitch. And then he'd fall over. And I'd be like, I think I should get him out of here probably.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fucking dead. Yeah. But there's always the one who gets coked up. Then you have the friend who's a fistfight guy. Then you have the guy who's grabby. And then you got the racist guy, where you're like, oh, wow. Yeah, yeah.

That came out. The fistfight guy can never fight either. Yeah. Oh, that's my fist fight guy. We have to like he's on a strict. He's not allowed to fight anyone anymore just because I refer to him as scummy Batman because he'll never fight someone who doesn't deserve to be fought. Right.

he'll never fight someone who doesn't deserve to be fought right it will always be he'll be sitting in a mcdonald's and then he'll see like he phoned me once from australia he's a comedian his name is kai humphries he phoned me in a strip from australia and he was like please answer the phone i might be going to jail and i'm like great here we go this is vintage kai he was drunk uh he got it got shit faced and then about three in the morning decided to go get like a McDonald's in just fucking

middle of Melbourne and there's a guy there with his girlfriend they're having an argument and like the kids behind them make like a little joke of being like

keep it down or whatever and like the adult guy loses his shit he's like Henny you can't speak to me like that again I'll put you through

that fucking window and like she starts crying and while she's crying he gets like the tray of fucking food and like throws it in her face and it's like you're fucking embarrassing me and goes back to yelling at the kids so kai just like licks his fingers finishes his juice and goes up to the girl and he's just like i uh do you want me to knock him out and like through tears she just went yeah he was like okay then he tapped the guy on the shoulder the way he tells the story is he's like he's left-handed so i swung back put through the guy was like six foot three goes through his fucking jaw and the guy like turns around he's

like and he's he could be going down but he could be coming back for a swing and he's way bigger than me so i touch my shoelaces and i swing from there and just knock his jaw through the top of his fucking mouth he falls down to the fucking ground and all three kids just go run and he fucking runs out the mcdonald's he fucking sprints down to the place where he's fucking staying that's where he's called me from and i'm like what are you doing he's like i'm gonna hide here for the rest of the night this is like you know I've sobered up now like that was like that's dangerous he could have smacked his head in the ground he could be

like I'm really worried like that second punch was every ounce of my fucking being into him like and he was not getting up she was just over him and I was like well man you have to find out whether this guy is okay like you know that same woman's like why did you do that

I love him is okay. Like, you know. That same woman's like, why did you do that? Yeah. Well. I love him. He goes back to McDonald's like 14 hours later with a friend and he's like, I'm not going to go in

because everyone will fucking recognize me because I'm the scumbag that knocked out the giant. He sends his friend in and she comes out. Why did he go back? Because he was so guilty

that, you know, the guy could have been smacked his head on the ground and dead or whatever. Like he was, you know, after the, he was in his head. He was like,

I was doing a nice thing. Yeah. And I was de-escalating the situation. Oh, you never returned. Yeah. But there's nothing more de-escalating than death. So like,

maybe I de-escalated it too much. Sends a friend back into McDonald's and she came back out and she'd been speaking to all the McDonald's workers and they were like, yeah. So like there was this loud guy in a queue and some kids behind him. And then just this random guy came out of nowhere and punched him in the kids. And he was like, no, that's not. He got consent. But like fucking Chinese whispers has happened in that 14 hours of just it gone from him being the absolute hero of the story. Literally getting consent from the partner. Do you mind if I knock your husband out?

Right. Yes, please. To I'm just a random man that beats up men and children. A week later, like he rapes babies. Oh, you heard his next. You know, the sweet and sour rapist. They always give him a fun name.

But it's just like Batman. He's misunderstood. You know? Everybody thinks Batman's this devil, evil guy, but he's trying to help. Because he's scummy, he doesn't have any of the cool gadgets. It's just a regular belt that doesn't fit. That's a badass way to say, do you want me to knock out your boyfriend? That is pretty badass.

Chivalrous. Oh, man, there's points when we've been in pubs together or situations. I'm not a fighty person. I've never been in a fucking fight in my life. I've been Glasgow kissed once that got headbutted. Oh, yeah. Glasgow kiss, it's called? Yeah, yeah, Glasgow kiss.

Glasgow kiss is a headbutt. Glasgow smile is, this is back from, like, the real horror days of Glasgow in, like, the fucking 60s and 70s. Glasgow smile was they would get two razor blades and put the, and sell it to them face down on either side of a credit card. And that's what they would use to cut your cheeks. Because if you cut somebody with just a regular razor blade,

you can just stitch that up and that'll heal fine. But if you leave the extra two millimeter thickness there, then those are scars for life. And that's what the... Whoa. Yeah, yeah. Real gnarly shit. Thought out.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Heroin in Glasgow was a fun time for a lot of people yeah the Glasgow kiss was me and my three friends four friends including Scummy Kai

were walking to a nightclub and me and my three friends thought we were shaggers and we'd watched How I Met Your Mother

and we liked that show because we were like 21, 22 and we were like we'll suit up because that's what they do in the show. And that's how those guys get laid.

So it must work for us. So we're just three gawky fucking early 20s cunts walking through Edinburgh City Centre with our suits on. With Kai, who's in tracksuit bottoms and a hoodie because you can't buy him anything. Right. This big ginger guy sees me and my friends basically. I think at one point holding hands and he just yelled at me. He's like, I think at this one point, holding hands, and he just yelled at you. He's like, you look like a bunch of faggots.

And I'm drunk, and I'm a young liberal, and so I just start lecturing him, lecturing him, being like, even if I am gay, even if I was gay, I would rather spend my entire night taking cocks up my ass and down my throat than spending an hour looking like you, you kidney bean looking

motherfucker, right? And my friends laughed and his friends laughed and he went to say something else and I went, no, no I won. Everyone laughed at my thing so I won the exchange and this little thing is over. And the next thing I know, I don't remember it

but I was sort of falling backwards my friend caught me he stuck his fucking he headbutted me right above my fucking nose my friend sort of caught me and so I get back up to I don't know give him another lecture and Kai already has him on the ground and it's just like that fucking

scene in Sin City with the yellow bastard it's just like punching his fucking face into the fucking ground, to the point where I have to like, pull him off of him, and like, his friends come over and like, what are we doing? You pull him off and you're like, and another thing about gay. That word is harmful. Well, to be fair, the guy said we

looked like a bunch of faggots. I gave him a lecture on how I wouldn't mind cocks up my arses, and then my boyfriend jumped in. So, you know, in retrospect, I think he had a point. Not the way he should have iterated it. He should have asked first. Do you want me to knock him out?

So Kai can fuck shit up. He's on a strict fucking ban now from his wife, which is you've because we've seen him knock heaps of cunts out. And again, every single time always somebody that started it or was bothering someone else and it's always just of cunts out. And again, every single time, always somebody that started it or was bothering someone else.

And it's always just been Kai finishing it. But man, people knock their heads off of carbs. It's just one of these times you're going to do it and somebody's going to fucking die. And that'll be the one cool story that we can't tell. And he's just going to be Nicolas Cage in Con Air. Yeah, yeah. He was a bad guy too, but you know.

Oh yeah, man. Next time Kai's in New York, get him onto this podcast, get him drunk, and just get him to tell you every knockout he's done in the wild. That's an episode. Because some of them are un-fucking-believable. Well, that's just a confession. There's going to be somebody listening, like, wait a minute. That was me.

Damn. We all have that friend. You kind of feel safe around them. You can say crazy shit because they're there. Man, for years it made me a fucking arsehole. Because, I mean, the reason I, you know, the reason I don't get into fights is because I can't fucking win them. The reason I don't do MMA is because I know if I were to learn how to choke someone out, I would be in jail within six months. Because the second I know how to do that, I'm going to start applying my own justice to the world.

Does anyone here think I'm a faggot? Please. I'm dying to use this shit I learned. It's like guns in this country. I couldn't live here. Because if I had access to guns, I would 100% at one point in my life, I would fucking snap at a minor injustice I saw.

Whereas here, I get road rage in the UK. I shut my fucking mouth in this country. You could cut me off on the fucking highway, make me slam on the brake with my baby in the back, and I'll be like, have a nice day. You're clearly having a rough time there, ma'am. I wish you all the best. Hope you get to your destination right on time.

No complaints from old sloss balls. That is our rep. i do think people from other countries are like oh if you get heckled you can just shoot the guy yeah you know on stage you can't self-defense in texas yeah no we uh i was just in louisville and uh and i'm doing bits making fun of guns and out of the gate they're like boo and i'm like perfect let's fucking do this like that's that's what i'm excited about bits when they fucking hate the setup yes you know what i mean but yeah they love guns there and most places in this country oh i've had guys show me a gun i was like what's this guy all about he's like i was like carry on yeah i did a religious joke in indianapolis and the guy in the front row

just showed me his gun damn and that was uh and i don't think he was threatening me i think it was like gun banter but i come from a place where gun banter doesn't exist so i was just like yeah we actually have a term called gun play in america which is the weirdest like uh euphemism gun play oh it's i was in indianapolis once and i'm going back to the hotel everything's boarded up like that you the the streets shut down ask the cop what the hell happened here is it oh there was a shooting right there's some kids shooting around shooting around that's basketball right that's not murder exactly but that's how they that's how casually i mean also

the amount of gun violence in indiana is insane Oh, really? I think, like, per capita, it's worse than Chicago. I could be wrong. Yeah, but to be fair, there are more people worth shooting there. So you got to. I'm not saying they don't have it coming. I'm just saying. Right. Damn, I didn't know that.

A lot of guns there. How about that? Well, it's amazing, actually, more people don't get shot in America. We got all this mental illness, all this opioid stuff and guns. We're doing all right. Do you not think you have a lot of shootings in this country? Oh, I'm sure there's one happening right now that we'll hear about in an hour. There's probably one in this building.

Yeah. New York City, we have the amount of, that's how you know guns are the problem, and not mental health, because of the amount of crazy people in this city. True. And it's like you never, on the subway subway guys just come on screaming you're like yeah i'm fine yeah yeah i'll do another that's true we see dicks because they have dicks yeah yeah they don't have guns see a lot it was a one subway shooter but he didn't even hit anybody he stunk he hit like we don't have practice yeah that was a fucking he was a storm tripper oh no he stunk he was like an indian in a john wayne movie he couldn't hit shit because we only just introduced them to guns

there's no way they could have you know he'll get there have you fired guns oh yeah yeah shooting range is like a pastime here it's like you know fun i i fired guns in when we went to Vegas. It was the first time I'd gone to Vegas. Was that you who did the shooting? I was in my hotel room, yeah. I couldn't believe how accurate it was, but I tell you what, I fucking hate country music. And I'll prove it anyway

I can. It's funny to be singing about guns while getting shot at by a guy with a gun. Do you reckon anyone in that crowd was like, I mean, this is ironic. Yes. I love my six shooter. We went to just a gun range because I was like, when am I ever going to get to fucking fire a gun in my life?

And they gave us like a pistol. And it was the most terrifying thing because, man, I was accurate immediately. Like, it's just like computer games. Like, you aim at the thing, you shoot. Right. And you just go, this movement should never be enough to take somebody's life. This is barely enough

to make someone cum. Like, you can't, you know, just that. You know, stabbings are brutal, but there's more, like, honesty and effort involved. It's intimate. Yeah. They give us shotguns fired to those. Those are obviously accurate regards. I think I'd rather be shot than stabbed, though. Stabbing is is like, it's repeated.

Yeah. It's more than, it's like Swartzen used to have that big, remember that Nick Swartzen did? People get shot multiple times. True. They do, but yeah, maybe you're right. But stabbing they're right on. It's almost like a hug. It's like they're fucking you. And also it's a bit on you. Like if you, like if you got

stabbed, you're like, oh God, somebody was within five feet of me they got within my range i wasn't you know i used to use my black belt and karate whereas you can just be shot from across the street you're like that's unfair that's true it is unfair yeah it's my my biggest level my biggest fear of unfair fairness happening to me is I regularly gig in Los Angeles and if I'm in that state when the earthquake that they are 400 years overdue

for takes place oh yeah I just don't feel like it should be allowed to happen while I'm there like just like I would

you know it's so overdue for this fucking natural disaster and I'm like I would just be there trying to show the earthquake my passport

but I'm like no I come from a country that doesn't have this. Don't. Come on. Like the one time you go visit Yellowstone is the one time it blows off. And you're like, well, I know nobody else is going to get these photos.

That's what I feel. The one time I went to Wuhan, I caught something. The one time I flew to Malaysia. No. How did you make it back? I don't know. The joke doesn't work. Shit. Yeah. Oh, we't work. Ah, shit.

Yeah. Oh, we're doing, you switched us to scotch here. Yeah, we're doing something a little closer to home for the guest. Oh, what are we drinking now? This is Lagavulin right here. Lagavulin. Oh, my God. A Lagavulin 16 as well.

That is good stuff. Yeah. Cheers. Good year. I assume you take it neat, right? I absolutely take it neat. I'm not a fucking Englishman. That is so good.

Goddamn. That's one of the best scotches. Yeah, it really is. I'm not a fucking Englishman. That is so good. Goddamn. That's one of the best scotches. Yeah, it really is. I mean, the smoke is fantastic. Yeah. You want another rock for Nate as well? I like a rock. I'm an Englishman.

You can be. I mean, you are. You're American. Yeah. You're an Englishman from like four generations ago. Yeah. When did you guys become a country? 1776?

1776. Not long ago. Cheers. That was when our queen that just died, she just 1776? 1776, yeah. Not long ago. That was when our queen that just died, she just got in there. How do you feel about that? You okay? You going to make it? Yeah, yeah.

I mean, the hangover was fun. I'm from Scotland, and I'm one of the Scottish people that supports Scottish independence. So, you know, I tried my best to remember what Thumper said in Bambi, which is, if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all. I respect the fact that there are people in the UK who are grieving the Queen because she was on their money and their stamps and they liked that and they were able to look past the fact that she spent £12 million of UK taxpayer money in order to not have her son extradited

to out the whole Epstein Island thing. If people can look past that and grieve her, fair enough, I'll not take away from that. Me and the boys got drunk and had a party. I fucking hate the royal family i hate the fucking monarchy i think it's one of the dumbest oldest institutions a crown is very silly

it's all i feel weird wearing certain jackets right and you think you're entitled to a crown yeah i just there's a level of self-awareness i i also when boris johnson said it was the darkest day in the history of england i'm like, settle down. Yeah. No, no. What he means is the darkest day in UK history that we'll write about. You've got to remember, when Britain discovered India, this was before social media or the news properly existed. So they just got to lie about what they were doing there. We were trying to colonize the world.

And they were like, hey, we found this big, lovely landmass. It's hot. There's heaps of food there. And we were like, are there any people? And they were like, huh? Like, were there any people on that landmass? And we got tea. Look at this new tea we discovered.

Yeah, that's great. Can't wait to have the tea. Just out of curiosity, were there any people there when you were right? We taught them cricket. We only gave. We only gave. Ignore the massive totems of smoke coming from that general area.

My problem with the monarchy is basically, oh, she did so much, she did so much. Britain is very like America in the sense that history is written by the winners, so the stuff, the reason people think they like the Queen

in the UK is because they're taught about the Queen through the English education system, which was and one time she said hello to a dog, and there was another time she kissed a leper on the head well, it was via FaceTime she did it on the screen anything about Nazis in there

yeah yeah yeah what about the pedophile son the pedophile son that we all know like he was on television basically meant to be it's weird to be a known pedo yeah and to get to live in a fucking castle like the amount of fucking do you think you can still get a massage

is it hard on a playground yeah in a fucking castle? Yeah. Do you think you can still get a massage? Is it harder? You can go to a playground. Yeah. That's for sure. But it's the best of both worlds. You've got to be a pedo and get away with it. Yeah.

I've lived in a fucking castle, man. Ah. The dream. But it doesn't... I mean, maybe I'm just trash, but I look at that castle, I'm like, it's so cavernous. It's so like... They got AC in there. They're doing... It's pretty comfortable.

Central AC? Maybe, in some rooms. And the internet connection. Oh, God. Yeah, like. They got AC in there. They're doing it. Central AC? Maybe, in some rooms. And the internet connection. Oh, God. Is it good? Instant access to the dark web. Is she buried yet, by the way? I mean, they've really been putting that off.

She gets buried on a Monday. So, there's the whole fucking pompous ceremony and things. People in the UK. Like, so, it's the exact the whole fucking pompous ceremony and things people in the UK like so it's the exact same in this country there's the left and right fucking divide yes comedians sometimes fall far to the left and far to the right and most of us fall in the middle and we're like can we just fucking please

we're entertainers and it's our job to unite that's the job is to entertain and observe and it's to make jokes about anything nothing and absolutely fucking nothing is involved. But when you go to every part of the country, you kind of learn to connect to every part of the country and your act does fall somewhere in the middle. Yeah, yeah.

And you can work out, like, you'd be like, okay, so this pro-abortion bit that I have in this part of the country, I don't need to preface it with anything because I'm in New York and it'll just get a fucking round of applause. I know that when I go down farther south, I'm not changing the fucking joke. My material is my fucking material. Yeah. But I will have to spend maybe five or ten minutes beforehand explaining more about Scotland,

more about where I'm from, more about how I was brought up so that when that joke comes in, you know, they still don't agree with the sentiment of it. It's something they completely disagree with. But there's enough jokes in there before that still find me funny. And at that point, it is just a, hey, this is a disagreement of opinion. And I'm not in any position of power where I'm changing anything. I'm just discussing

shit and occasionally making the fucking underhanded jokes that we all know and love. You open with like, look, women are objects. We can all agree on that. But, but, joke is coming. Yeah, sorry, men, could you please turn your objects to silence? Because some of them seem to have taken umbrage with that. I wouldn't regret that, the silence option on that.

Oh, wow. The amount of fucking UK comics there are now, the writer-leaning ones that are on twitter being like you know this isn't the time or place for jokes and you go what on twitter after one of the most powerful women in the world died i can't this is exactly If you want to mourn, fucking do it in your house. Put the fucking news on. But this idea that you cannot punch up to a literal pedo harboring monarchy and be like, you know.

Yeah. There were jokes about Kobe on Twitter and Kobe's death is far more tragic. And Kobe was good at something. Aha. Kobe didn't make it to the Lakers because his fucking dad died. He had talent. Right. No disrespect to the queen. But, uh... Full, full, full disrespect to the queen. And every

other apple that fell off the pedo tree. Fucking no problem. She was good with corgis. Yeah. But no, there were jokes about Kobe and I fucking personally loved Kobe. I'm a basketball fan. Yeah.

You know? I had a few. I mean, somebody dies in the news. You write about the news. Yeah, that is our instinct with everything. They go, how can I make this funny? Of course. There's no malice.

It's how can I make this funny? Because that's our job. I do think it's important, you know, in the moments of tragedies afterwards. I mean, Jessel nick said it best in the not the thoughts and prayers thoughts and prayers which is the the jokes on twitter aren't making fun of the people affected by the tragedy it's making fun of people who are online making the tragedy about themselves that's good those are the people that you know the people are actually grieving the thing are never online to witness the fucking jokes right you know we're just making fun

of everyone who's like and and I'm also sad today. Our job is to make jokes about literally anything. Nothing is off fucking limits. But I do believe that there is a level of fucking responsibility occasionally to just, you know, we don't get to choose how people consume comedy or art. You don't get to choose how people interpret what you say. So, I mean, comedians like Jim Jefferies,

who I think is fucking amazing, I imagine he might have a bit of a dislike to some of his audience who don't see the irony or only particularly like the women are cunts bits. Some of his bits are like some of the most thoughtful. I mean, the gun bit.

The gun bit is one of the fucking greatest. Maybe the best bit of the last 25 years. It's every angle. And then I think of Jim's storytelling as mean the gun bit the gun maybe the best bit of the last 25 hits every angle and then i think a gym storytelling is you know the uh the muscular dystrophy brothel bit is like yeah i mean that's like brilliant but there's but there's so much fucking empathy in that and that's and nuance it's not just like this like let's get fucked it's not some like teen comedy it's like i'm seeing someone i grew up with in, you know, abject misery. Yeah. Let's make this funny.

And if you're talking about taboo subjects, which we all have the right to do, and they should be fucking joked about because the only reason they are taboo is because nobody else has the fucking courage to talk about them. If you're talking about those, you do have, empathy has to be in there. And just so the audience to make sure that the laughs are going in the right direction I'm going to make jokes about cancer not about people

that have cancer not about people that have died of cancer but about the journey of cancer and things that go through there I think there are some comedians out there who are earlier on

in their career will watch people like Bill Hicks, Carlin, Jeffries, Burr and they'll miss the extra layers of understanding. They'll just watch Jim Jeffries and they'll be like, oh, rape is funny. Right. No, you missed the three other fucking layers

that made that cake palatable. Exactly. I hate when they go, oh, so you think rape is funny. It's like, well, I made it funny. That's my job. You make it a joke. I don't think rape. I think Jeffrey Dahmer said the same thing. He's like, I think it's funny. It's like, well, I made it funny. That's my job. You make it a joke. I don't think rape. I think Jeffrey Dahmer said the same thing.

He was like, I think it's funny. I don't know what the problem is. He was a great comic. Yeah. Well, people were always like, do you find rape funny? And like, I don't find rape funny, but I can find you five rape jokes I find hysterical. Of course. I think Superman's got some really good rape jokes.

Like, people have that. I mean, you said it perfectly. Do you find this thing funny? Then why do you find jokes about it funny? And you go, because of the word joke. It's like the main thing that made that different. The thing isn't funny, but jokes about it.

That's the curse and the blessing of mainstream success. You're talking about guys that big. You're going to get fans that really understand what you're doing. You're going to get fans that don't know shit and latch onto the wrong things it doesn't just have to be taboo it goes the other way jim gaffigan bacon is not inherently funny but you make it funny yeah and now it's a big 12 minute chunk oh man fucking uh who's the uh his name's uh i'm on the moon man on the moon brian reagan brian reagan so brilliant i i've watched stand-up since

i was like fucking five or six years old started on uh the uk stuff just because my parents went to comedy clubs before i was born so they just watched it religiously so i ended up watching all of their favorite comedians and then i was about seven or eight my dad introduced me to bill hicks and i didn't get it but i i understood a man swearing into a microphone and finding that funny just being like he can just say fuck fuck, shit, cunt, this is amazing. And then started getting more into American stand-up in my fucking teens. Who were your guys in America? Back when he was alive, Louis C.K.

R.I.P. I loved Bill Burr. I loved, UK- yeah I loved UK wise I always liked Dylan Moran Ed Byrne love Dylan Moran I loved

I think Stuart Lee I think Stuart Lee's great but sometimes he gets you know so far up his own arse yeah but then in America

when I started getting into it a bit more in fact when I started performing over here I kept I'd never seen him on stage, I'd never heard his specials.

People kept saying Brian Reagan. And I'm like, who the fuck is, I'm here on an American podcast, I'm like, who the fuck is Brian Reagan? And the one thing I keep hearing about him is he's clean. He's clean, he doesn't swear, he's not rude. And I'm like, there's no way this guy's, there's no way this guy's good,

let alone one of the best. There's no way this guy has fucking material no way this guy's good let alone one of the best there's no way this guy has fucking material that I couldn't fucking write myself if I gave myself two hours in a fucking office like you clean jokes about fucking airports fuck off and people and I keep and then I hear like Bill Barr talking about

him and like with genuine respect in his voice I'm like there's no fucking way this clean cunt can be fucking good. And then I watched Man on the Moon and was just like, oh, my fucking God. And the entire time I'm just watching it going like, he's not sworn once. None of it's rude. None of it's none of it's like no victim except him.

No. Yeah. Truly, truly fucking mind blowing. I can't believe that he He makes little things funny. He's got this whole bit. That bit is taped in a comedy club. It's just a set, like an hour set. And he does a bit about when you're a kid and you do ramps in the front yard

and you break your arm and you're like, Mom, Bobby broke his arm. And if you get peanut butter, get smooth. That's just so funny. It's like something a kid would say he's so good how do you write that we almost had him on here i will get him but like no situation to you or i hit him up and i was like i see you're in town he goes i'm leaving today and i but he said he'd do it and he drinks and he drinks and one thing i've uh learned about brian reagan from i've worked with people who have worked with him apparently is sincerely one of the nicest guys like it's just like the sweetest a guy that a guy that opens for me and

Madison met him I was like and he just took me on a night out because he found out I was another comedian there you go and that's you know whenever comedians at that level still remember what it was like to be a newer comic like that and you're that newer comic and that night might have kept you going exactly 100% just having that fucking not even just that night but to have that fucking story to be treated

like a fucking peer by somebody who you think is so far above you can be fuel for the next four fucking years it's always the funny ones who do that because all the dicks are never funny. The guy's like, hey, don't talk to me. You're not at my level. And you're like, well, you suck anyway.

And I'll pass you in five years. But Regan, one time I was bombing in Charlotte, North Carolina at the Comedy Zone. This is 12 people in the crowd bombing. There's one cackle in the back. And I'm like, well, at least I'm killing with that guy. Blah, blah, blah. Pouring sweat. I get off. It's Regan. And I'm like i'm like what we've never met we've never hung out and

he's like i was doing the theater in town i was lonely you want to get drunk we ended up getting drunk for seven hours and it was amazing and that was it i met him in jamestown new york like lucille ball comedy fest they had an awful i... Pull up the statue of Lucille Ball. Oh, I've been there. It's the worst looking thing. No, so just while you're telling this, can you remind me of who Lucille Ball is? I know the name.

Oh, I Love Lucy. Right? Classic. Oh, I thought you were fucking around for a second. No, no, no, no. That show didn't... And by the way, I never saw the show I Love Lucy. I just know that reference.

I mean, that is not a... Oh, I thought that was Rosa Parks. What the fuck? Pull up what she actually looks like. She's a beautiful woman. Hey, that's a better statue. Also, that's a little... She was a hot redhead

in real life. Oh, yeah. Oh, I mean, the second one that you pointed out was way more accurate than that first fucking poem. Yeah, I mean, look at that. That's a pin-up right there. Did you ever see the god-fucking-awful statue that somebody did of Cristiano Ronaldo? No.

And he's like a hunk, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's got an eight-pack. Like, I'm pretty sure he put out a hit on the guy that did this. It's that... Looks like sloth from Goonies.

Oh, man, the teeth are all jacked up. Holy shit. But the only difference is that statue is actually allowed in America because it hasn't raped anyone. But it is in blackface. But I met him at the Lucille Ball Fest, and he couldn't have been cooler. Ronaldo?

No. He's not allowed in America. It's like he's just hung drank with us nicest guy and seen him a couple times since and he is the nicest he's our scummy batman he just shows up he's like i heard there was booze here we need to drink yeah great guy he's a legend so he was one of your guys and then i remember i discovered you from your conan's that your conan yes we're all conan guys oh yeah yeah well and and then let's let's do what conan never ever lets anyone do on his show which is appreciate what he's such someone for giving back to the fucking yes like truly understands what it's like to be a younger newer comedian and just i mean the support i would not have my career

in this country if it wasn't for the fact that he took a fucking risk on having me on the day that he had me on because I still couldn't fucking believe it like going up to the venue Warner Brothers Park and I'm like this is going to get cancelled last minute there's going to be something all good things are taken

away from me get there Nelson Mandela dies and i'm like motherfucker like this is bullshit like obviously obviously i'm not going to be on the show because they got to talk about fucking mandela sure enough conan does like five minutes to the top uh that's that's the epitome of what a comedian is which is one of the greatest men alive could die and you're like but how does it affect my career? Someone got bumped from Fallon because of the Queen the other night, I'm sure.

This is worse than the apartheid. You think he was in prison. This green room is awfully isolating. No, but you went on that show? Yeah, went on, Had a great one. And then afterwards, I think he tried to boot me in for the next day. And then J.P. Buck was like, just let him enjoy. We love J.P.

J.P. Buck's the man. J.P. Buck is the fucking man. He gets it. He's the booker for Conan Who, basically. And he's a producer. He does a ton of other stuff now. Yeah, but the thing I particularly fucking loved about JP

every year we go to the Edinburgh Fringe Festival oh yeah just to see what the UK was doing he was like I'm gonna find the best comics here and I'm gonna put them on TV in America because

that's my job was to find talent from around the world and he would watch any shit I'd send him to yeah like he'd come over take recommendations

for the fucking weird stuff for the great stuff for the fucking surreal and then yeah i mean and then ever since then conan just kept having me i mean michael were talking about this before we don't exist in the generation of comedy where there is an overnight success anymore sure like i mean if like realistically if i could take you back in time fucking 30 years do you reckon carson's calling you over to the couch probably not i don't think i mean it's tough like i mean there's that rare set it happens maybe like if you keep i mean i do think like we all write a lot of jokes so i think the hope is we get back on and

eventually make it over the first time my my first Conan set wasn't great. No? I stand by the jokes, but the crowd just gave me fucking nothing. And my second one's my best TV set. It's the hardest I killed on TV ever. It was like I had a few drinks in me. I was fucking, let's go. But yeah, no, that first one hurt.

I was the opposite. First one I did great. Second one I struggled. Yeah, I didn't like bomb but it just was like every laugh was like haha yeah but it's

dude I'm trying to get fucking that rolling yeah you want it to be magic but it's I mean it's as well as it can be set up for comedy because they do have

such an intrinsic understanding of you know JP unlike so many TV producers in the UK I know for a fact that Conan producers

regularly attend comedy clubs and know what it is, but you're in a studio, there's lighting and also we're all slightly darker than Conan and JP was fucking crazy. JP let me do jokes on that show. I never

thought I would get to do. Like there was a joke I used to... You did mass shooting jokes on there. Yeah, how can you do that? I used to have a joke which was every time I was doing British television, which was there's one joke that I knew was just there, so the censors felt like they'd done their job. It was an un-televisable joke, and you put it in there, and the censors go through and be like, get rid of this one.

You're like, well done, dickheads. That's why I put it in there, so they ignore the rest of the stuff because they felt like they did their job. Very smart. I sent that joke entire set through to JP and he was like great and I was like what

can you tell us the joke yeah yeah very easy joke my mum's sister oh no my mum's had four kids and you can tell she

stopped loving us over time because she was blessed with me gifted with my sister had my brother and then she was diagnosed with the other one but my mum's my mum's sister is because she was blessed with me, gifted with my sister, had my brother, and then she was diagnosed with the other one.

But my mom's sister is anti-abortion, which is a cruel nickname, but she's had five. That's tame. But abortion in this country is a ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. But TBS, because it was on cable, that helped a little bit I remember the only note they really said you can't the only time he ever said I can't do this joke I used to have a joke

where I wish cancer on someone it was just a part of the joke and he goes you can't you can't wish cancer on for Conan's national audience and you're like you've not seen my last 15 birthdays that's exactly what I did

every single time this is a year now now word from our sponsor, BetterHelp. You have to take care of your mind, folks. We spend so much time taking care of our skin, our hair, our teeth, and so little care of the most important body part, the brain. How well you take care of your brain affects how you experience life.

Investing time and energy in mental health is crucial to being happy. Eating right right working out and getting plenty of sleep or a good start but no substitution for talk therapy better help makes online therapy accessible convenient and affordable we love therapy it's good for you don't let those bags pile up everybody's got shit in their life everybody's got drama you gotta make it work you gotta be healthy and that's how you do it is healthy, and that's how you do it, is talking about it. That's how you get it out. BetterHelp is online therapy that offers video phone and chat therapy sessions.

You can choose to not see anyone on camera, and it's much more affordable than in person. You can be matched with a therapist in under 48 hours. We might be drunk listeners who get 10% off their first month at BetterHelp.com slash drunk. That's B-E-T-T-E-R-H-E-L-P dot com slash drunk.

Get on it. If you haven't already, it's smooth. Oh, if you haven't heard already, it's smooth sack summer. The leader in below the belt grooming is making sure we all have a ball this summer by giving your pants, partners, everything they need to stay fresh i love this thing you gotta love the manscape performance package 4.0 it's got it all i use this thing on my sack i go around the base of the shaft you just want a little extra length and uh no better equipment than these guys manscape did

it right they got a goddamn headlight on the thing yeah and uh you you can't nick you can't cut i mean there's a lot of veins down there and a lot of uh precious material you don't want to ruin i just use it man it's it's i feel lighter it's great yeah works. I had a fucking fro covering my balls. Yeah. Big fan. Our pubes look like our hair, so it's not that different. And you need a real- I got sideburns, too. You need a real mower down there.

The Lawn Mower 4.0 Body Trimmer and Weed Whacker Nose and Ear Hair Trimmer features proprietary advanced skin-safe technology to protect your delicate parts and holes. Both are waterproof so you can shave in the shower. Come on. Get it all out in one go. Manscaped even threw in two free gifts to their performance package 4.0, the Manscaped Boxers and Shed travel bag. Take a look at the Shears 2.0, a luxury nail-crooming kit. I keep one in my bag all the time.

This kit includes stainless steel, nail cutters, tweezers, and grooming scissors. No more scratching your lady in bed with those feet. Get 20% off and free shipping with the code DRUNK at manscaped.com. That's 20% off plus free shipping with the code DRUNK at Manscaped.com. It's smooth sack summer, boys. Get on board or get left behind with your hairy ball bag. Hey, hey, folks. We Might Be Drunk is brought to you by Raycon.

I've been listening to a lot of Rodney Dangerfield lately, and it's been great. Whatever you listen to, it'll sound better with Raycon earbuds. Raycon's everyday earbuds look, feel, and sound better than ever. They fit perfectly and don't budge. Raycon's offer three sound profiles that let you listen to whatever you want. I love Raycon. I listen to them when I run, at the gym, in an orgy, when I go to bed. I like to pop one right in my ear while the lady's sleeping next to me. She snores like an angel queefs, and it keeps me up.

So I pop in a Raycon, and I'm none the wiser. I got an audio book going, maybe a little R. Kelly. Who knows? Get the same quality as any other premium brand at half the price with wireless charging raycon gives you eight hours of play time and a 32 hour battery life 32 go to buy raycon.com and use code might be drunk 15 to get 15 off your raycon order. That's code MIGHTBEDRUNK15, one word, at B-U-Y-R-A-Y-C-O-N.com to score 15% off. Buyraycon.com. Code MIGHTBEDRUNK15. Get on it, folks. It was really a pleasure working with JP. A lot of bookers, and it's's not their fault you're dealing with standards and practices on these networks that are just like most of these hosts are more concerned

with being liked than funny now yeah and that's not what we're going for yeah you know and that it will fuck up a set yeah of course but connor was always so warm like remember he did he come in your green room oh yeah the whole spiel? Came in beforehand. Also, one of my favorite moments is my first Conan spot is Conan hadn't seen me before. He just trusts JP, which, again, is another great sign of a good boss who just goes delegate and full 100% trust. The final 30 seconds of my clip on Conan, you can see Conan coming over to me. And he's like, that's great. And there's genuine shock and surprise in his face that I was

good it's one of the clips that I fucking go back to and I'm like oh man in that moment I had genuinely impressed one of the fucking greats the greats and you look up and you go oh he's so big he's such a fucking tall man he also

I mean he was so generous and sincere. I mean, to kill in front of Conan is the best. And I could tell when it wasn't my best. Every once in a while you have one. But yours, I watched all those late night sets at that time. Yours all went viral, too. They all have a million plus. You had great late night sets.

I mean, you watch a bunch and I'd be like, fuck, this guy is somebody. This guy is good. Yeah. You shared it with me. This guy, because we'd always judge people and go, fuck this guy is is somebody this guy's good yeah you shared it with me like this guy because we'd always judge people and go this guy got on because of this or he sucks then shared yours i was like this guy's a comic well i can't tell you how much that fucking means to me because i don't know if it's the same for you guys but the respect of your peers is worth a thousand laughs from any audience member. Oh, huge.

And also, like, for me, I love... I never in my career thought I would ever actually get to come over to the States and perform. Because growing up being nine years old, watching fucking, you know, Bill Hicks and Pryor and knowing that this is where they come from and how different British comedy is and how different the fucking scene is. And so few comics from the UK have ever fucking

made it over here I mean I think it's like Jimmy Carr Jimmy Carr Russell Howard's kind of oh yeah yeah yeah

Billy Connolly sure certainly made it into movies Russell Brand but he's not a comic or a peer do you know him at all?

I know heaps about him that are unrepeatable. Oh boy. But not a good man. Great chest hair. Great for getting a martial loop. And it's easier

to come to terms with because he was never, ever, ever good at stand-up at any point in his fucking career. So it's, you know, I don't feel like I'm bad-mouthing somebody that went through the trenches like we did.

He was somebody that skipped a bunch of fucking levels, became a fucking TV presenter and went, I'll just be weird. He stole somebody else's act in the UK. Oh, you hate to hear that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Damn. Well, he got to fuck Katy Perry.

Yeah, yeah. Was it worth it? And then dumped her. Really? Like 20 minutes before she went on stage. There's a Katy Perry documentary. I haven't watched it. Sure.

The advert for it is apparently literally 20 minutes before she goes up. Her husband. By the way, there's officially too many documentaries. Yeah. There's a fucking Katy Perry documentary. It's like crazy. She's like still young. I know.

Wait till they're like 70 or something, you know? Yeah, but what if she dies before then? And, you know, we can't- You want to have it. We'll never get a good Winehouse documentary because she had too much fun too young. Wait, what happened to her? No.

So, yeah, so she dumped her right before she went on stage again the advert for the documentary is like her getting a text backstage and then like 20 minutes later her in tears being like pushed up first of all I have in my

younger years dumped someone by text. Now, as an adult, I'm like, it's impersonal. You shouldn't dump people by text. There are some times when it's fine. Like, if it's a crazy person and you're getting out of that relationship and you're like, I've taken the stuff. The house is yours.

Goodbye. You can break up with someone and take a text of that. You can't divorce someone via text. Like, that's just... You can't just be like you can't just screenshot like take a picture of the divorce papers and then just via whatsapp send that through and then you're like just reply with a tech the lawyer says that counts can we not discuss this no sir no do, baby. I'm playing London. Wait, divorced? Divorced?

Oh, shit. Yeah, true. Wow. You get the papers, they're still buffering. She's got to sing Teenage Dream after hearing that shit. Damn. Damn. All right.

I had no idea about the Russ. Yeah, no, he's not. I mean, I'll tell you more stuff off camera. I can't wait. Patreon. So you came over here. Conan was awesome. Were you doing weird American markets when you came on over here?

I was. So my big thing when I first came over was just to, I didn't want to fucking skip. I didn't want to fucking skip I didn't want to cheat but I also didn't want to be sent like to be sent back a couple levels so when I started in Scotland I worked my way up to become like doing 20 minutes there and then when I after two years

I started going down to England and they were like and now you're doing fives and tens and I'm like okay I get it I understand it's a bigger fucking market. I've come from Scotland, 6 million people overall. And the population of London, the capital city of England is 8 million. Fine. This is a different thing.

And this is the main comedy scene where I am. And I go down there and I restarted again. And I worked my way up through the fives and tens and eventually became, you know, fucking headliner at places like that. And then when I went to Australia and they were like great so we'll have you in for 10 and I was like uh uh uh uh not but in Australia I had to do it a bit again I had to do the 10s and 15s

and then I'd done like I think oh no in fact my first gig in America I hadn't even done Conan I think I'd just done Setlist oh yeah I remember Setlist I love that show man it was so, yeah. I remember Set List. Yeah, and it was fucking... I love that show. Man, it was so fun. And again, I love the fact that they filmed it.

For people listening, Set List is basically you just get a word, right? Yeah, you have to riff on it. Well, like, my Set List for tonight would be, like, dead old lady. Right, right. Like a kiddie airplane, but whatever. And these are just the notes that we have that let us know what the next two minute, three minute,

five minute, whatever it is. Whereas what set list is, is fucking Troy would just come up with random scummy Batman on the screen. You got to go with it. I'm going to make it funny. And you have to protect, not only do you have to make it funny, you, the people that sucked at setlist were the people that went

oh this is a weird one the whole point was you had to pretend this is the set that you do regularly this is your normal set and every comedian this is a weird one this is such a great response this is a weird word you're a comedian

get it fucking going so I mean they had Such a great response. This is a weird word. You're a comedian. Yeah. Get it fucking going. So, I mean, they had so many great comedians on it because, I mean, I would be on with comedians who've been going for 25 years. And it was the first gig they'd ever been nervous at. Right. For so long. Because, you know, you're going in front of an audience that you know is hot. You've seen everyone else have a decent enough fucking gig.

But you do not know what you're going to say. And you don't have any of our jokes to fall back on like we've all got bits when we're like if something's going badly there's one joke i'll do and if that joke goes badly just in my head i'm mentally shut off just like i'm like if they didn't like this there's nothing i'll get through it i'll professional here are the words here's the performance whereas you don't even have that in a set list you have your weapons if you're on stage

where you're like this doesn't work I'll save it but yeah in that environment you gotta save it you can't even go to fucking audience stuff

because the audience won't respect you from going away from the thing and then you keep bombing so hard where are you guys from

I'm not part guys from I saw Kyle Kinane do it in Melbourne and it was amazing he is so good off the cuff underrated yeah he's great so I did the setlist TV show which I don't think I fucking accounted for anything but it was still in the middle ages of the sort of internet so enough

Americans had watched like British TV shows on YouTube and stuff so the Denver comedy works is a first-ever comedy club in America oil Oh beyond sport of the best like truly one of the fucking best magical ever oh and the staff for the memories that tells album was all I had no idea that was a good day to cross the river that's some of the best comedy albums ever I got in there on like

I got in there on a Wednesday or Tuesday and then the first show was on the Wednesday and then I do the show and it was everyone was so nice

like obviously some fucking teething problems with like references that don't fucking make sense sure and then I say to the staff afterwards

and they were like that was great and they're like and I was like I'll see you tomorrow they're like it's Thanksgiving tomorrow I'm like okay I'll see staff afterwards, and they were like, that was great. And I was like, I'll see you tomorrow. They're like, it's Thanksgiving tomorrow. I'm like, okay, I'll see you on Thanksgiving. And they're like, no, it's Thanksgiving.

Nothing's open. Like, did nobody tell you this? And I'm like, yeah, British don't really celebrate. It's kind of fucked up to bring you in on that. Yeah, yeah. But I get the hotel paid for and everything, but I didn't realize. And they're like, are you not doing anything

for Thanksgiving? I'm like, I'm Scottish. I'm not doing anything for Thanksgiving. The staff from fucking Comedy Works took me to their staff Thanksgiving.

My first ever Thanksgiving was them cooking stuff I'd never seen. Fucking yams with fucking marshmallow on it. Oh, favorite. I love those

the judgment that came out of my mouth when that went into the oven and I'm like you know what some stereotypes are true you fat piece of shit that is a fucking abomination like we never should have let you become your own country this is disgusting and then

three hours later after like fireballs gone round and I've smoked unlimited spliffs, I'm like, this is a gift from God. And we sat at the table and I remember, because it was Colorado, I think it was like two months before they'd legalized marijuana. Because we went to a guy's house and his entire bottom floor was just him growing weeds. And he's like, if the police don't arrest me in the next two months I'm living in a golden mine Denver and we got so fucking high and they made us you know

they were like everyone shared what they were thankful for and it was really fucking nice and like I'd been shitting on Thanksgiving in America for so fucking long and then to actually be in the moment I'm like oh this is actually really nice I can't remember any the next day

like they made me because like weed over here is a different fucking concoction it's wild you know to get the to get weed in Scotland you have to get in the back of a teenager's car where his child is strapped into a seat and you're like

and he's like what are you after and you're like weed and and he's like okay here you go and you're like and what And you're like, and he's like, what are you after? And you're like, weed. And he's like, okay, here you go. And you're like, and what type of weed is this? And he's like, weed, get out of the car. And like, that's the way it is. When I was in fucking Denver for the first time. It's overwhelming. Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory. A man in a fucking...

Some of them have like cheese and crackers out. You're like, you have... There's like a maitre d', they're like, this is the Glasgow smile. It's way better than the glasgow headbutt yeah yeah yeah but one will knock you out yeah but matt like they were like fucking scientists in there i remember oh yeah the guy went to me because he could just hear my fucking accent he's like well you're not from here and i'm like just give me some wheat and he's like buddy you can't you can't walk into a chocolate store and ask for some chocolate like what what type of high are you after and i'm like hi like i like i just get like shitty scottish

wheat like i just want to get high he's like all right what's your plans for tomorrow oh well you know i'm i'm waking up i'm gonna go for breakfast and then i've got show in the evening so i don't want to be too fucked for that so you can go on stage high yeah really i can't i can't do that really no we're not weed guys anyway we can maybe oh well if you're not stoners then fair enough but like like i'm well there's a question for you are you yourself on stage are you 100 yeah i? Yeah, I think so. Yeah. A little more elevated, a little more energetic.

Yeah, it's a heightened. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're jokes I believe in. They're jokes that I can stand behind, but yeah. I'm a fucking stoner in real life. So there was times when I would be on stage doing jokes that I'd written high, and I'm like, well, this isn't genuine. Right, right.

To be fair, I didn't, I never used to, I would always drink on stage, not heaps. But like when I was first starting out, I remember exactly, it was my 14th gig. And I was in a place called Dundee in Scotland. And there were, I'm going to say, about 30 people in this audience. And up until this point, just being a comedian, I was just, I mean, at that point in your career, you're just doing impressions of other comedians. There's no you in it. You're just doing impressions of other comedians there's no you in it you're just doing what comedians do

I didn't have the ability to take a drink during my set like that was such a I'm like to take away your weapon

right you're on stage you're talking to everyone and nobody's heckling but like if you do this it's silent

and you feel it yeah it's like holstering a fucking gun while everyone else is aiming at each other yeah couldn't do it finally got to the stage where it wasn't even an alcoholic drink but it was water and i remember coming off stage and my dad who was still driving me to gigs at this point i was like did you i drank water on stage that was my fucking achievement what a dad yeah it is a power move to take a sip on stage.

It's such a power move. Well, the biggest thing I learned from early on in comedy, which was I would always run to the mic, get out of the stand, and start talking while it was in. And it was Frankie Boyle who said to me, he was like, mark your territory. Like, mark your territory. Go up.

Take the mic. Acknowledge the audience. Don't acknowledge them. Don't be rude. You don't have to talk to them. Take the mic out of the stand. Put it in put the stand wherever the fuck you want work look at the stage work out how much you've got to work with and all that is is just going i am 100% fucking comfortable up here wow this is mine that's yours and uh because it says you're in good hands too

yeah yeah because i always say the audience are the smartest and dumbest people at the same time. They're Schrodinger's audience. If you are nervous, if you're genuinely fucking nervous and scared, they will sniff that out from the street outside and they'll not come in. They'll be able to see it so easily. But if you can fake confidence, which is surprisingly easy to fake once you learn how to fucking do it they can't tell the fucking difference that's true like if you're on stage and you're eating fucking shit because they don't know you're eating shit because they don't have 10 000 reference points that we do that let us you know we have a gig and we're like this is about you know in the bottom 20 of my gigs they don't know

they have a joddy as members sees every once in a while i'll tell them yeah you guys know it's a pretty bad gig for me that's true you guys suck well but that was the biggest thing i learned from doing the edward fringe is everyone was like you cannot ever blame the audience and i was like well that makes sense yeah and then i still do it occasionally during the fringe you're doing the same, the same show at the exact same time, every single fucking night with the same fucking cadence. And you go, oh, no, this is you. This works. This is absolutely fucking you.

That's the most frustrating thing about comedy. You shoot a point in basketball, it goes in the basket. It counts. But our joke that works, they don't laugh. You're like, whoa, whoa, I've done this joke 900 times. This is on you. Yeah. Come on.

There is. I've fully changed my stance of it's never the audience's fault. don't laugh you're like whoa whoa i've done this joke 900 times this is on you yeah come on there is i i fully changed my stance of it's never the audience's fault i think comedians have the skill to make any room fucking playable and uh if you're in a position where you have to make that room playable and you can but also you get to a certain point in your career where if you're successful enough you look at a room full of people that hate you and you're like, I don't want to win you over. Because I don't want any of you cunts at the next show. I'd rather just... I don't have that yet.

Well, no, I look at them and I'm kind of like, I think they also value self-awareness. So sometimes I'm like, if it's going badly, I'm like, I'll tell them, like, I know this isn't going well. I don't want you to think that this is a fucking win for me. And that helps. Sometimes it helps. But then also, as you're them, like, I know this isn't going well. I don't want you to think that this is a fucking win for me. And that helps. Sometimes it helps.

But then also, as you're saying, like, if it's going badly and I'm doing new shit, like, and I know there's a way I could win them, sometimes I'm not done doing that new shit. I'm here to work, too. I'm here to build an act. There is that. So I can adapt at some point. Sometimes I'll even tell them, I'll get you, but I'm doing these fucking jokes. I'm here to work.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know? you but i'm doing these fucking jokes yeah i'm here to work yeah yeah you know and also there is there is sometimes just that audience where you go i'll fucking get you and it's not in a way i could ever repeat like if i've recorded this show none of the material i'm about to use can ever be used again very specifically calling you out you old specky cunt and you you miserable fucking bitch and like turning the you know i think i always admire comedians that are you old specky cunt and you you miserable fucking bitch and like turning the you know i think i always admire comedians that are you know when i sit at the fucking back of the room and i go i'm just worried about how my material is going to go down and i know i'm not really going to

stray from my material i'll change the performance obviously i'll cater in that way but the jokes are going but comedians that just go on and be like you know what fuck it play the room you're given and i'm just gonna you know be be weird and be wonderful and fucking get them back on site because then you get to follow them with normal stand-up and you're like right now that you all remembered how to laugh did we all have a slight refresh right don't you my fucking mother-in-law let me tell you i hate that though i had a set last night where i had to do eight minutes and then they're like all right we trust you and then i did another seven and you're like what i'm the same guy but that's the breaks too long yeah they don't know you and there is a humility i think the way we all approach stand

up where if you try to turn over material a lot you're gonna bomb a lot you have and you're just not gonna get a big head you can't get a big head if you're writing a bunch of new jokes because you're gonna fail too much yeah true true i mean louis ck we say like he would go to new york and r.i.p yeah but he would he would bomb for three months in in new york and you're like oh this this is the guy what the hell happened what's going on and for three months in New York. And you're like, oh, this is the guy? What the hell happened? What's going on? And then three months in one day, and you're like, that was brilliant. I don't have that courage.

Really? No. You're cushioning it? But he was doing an hour a year. I won't cushion it, but I certainly, like, so the way I've done this show that I'm doing now is my son was born in February, and this tour finished in like, the last tour finished in like June. But they were spread out enough

that I was kind of writing jokes in between. So I did at most eight or 10 spots over the course of six months at the comedy clubs in Edinburgh, just trying like the new thoughts that I had out. And then just went to the Edinburgh Fringe and the show was a work in progress show and it was pitched as a work in progress

I didn't give them any fucking artwork to use it was like the lowest price available I'm like people need to know that they're coming to see me just go through fucking notes here and for the biggest mistake man

I don't get nervous much before I go on stage, even with fucking new stuff. This job is too, if you truly love this job, and I think it's silly to get nervous beforehand, unless it's a particularly big gig. I trust myself. I trust my work. And why would I let the greatest thing that I get to do be dampened by some fucking stupid little illogical fucking fear? I've always been able to very healthy yeah i've been able to nip in the bud what if you do badly and the apartment remains like well statistically we're good right like i got the same memories you do

buddy i know anxiety is powerful but here's cold hard fucking logic we'll be fine it's like what you said about what's like what you said about carson how like that overnight success no longer really exists so neither does that overnight failure really oh that's good i mean to some degree with the people on the in the woke you know mentality and shit on social media and both sides obviously not just a woke but uh but it is harder to get ruined overnight i think yeah yeah well my mom well i man, cancel culture and comedy. Yeah, we're all doing all right. I don't worry about jokes.

Did you get canceled or did you get a bunch of free publicity that you couldn't afford? Like, shh. Ah. Shh. The people that were never going to see you are still never going to come and see you. Sure. And now a bunch of people know you say controversial shit and that's who you want in your audience. And now we get rewarded for saying crazy shit.

When we said crazy shit before, I'm still the same guy. Anytime any of my friends have been fucking cancelled, I've just been like, first of all, you're just being yelled at online. Which, don't get me wrong, is an unpleasant experience. It's very unpleasant. Hugely unpleasant. And also people take it too far. There's me wrong, is an unpleasant experience. It's very unpleasant. They're hugely unpleasant. And also, people take it too far. There's doxing. There's fear.

It's scaremongering. If you dox someone, that is insane. So I'm not saying that aspect of cancer causes it. Of course it does. That's fucking horrific. But if we're talking about it from a comedy perspective, if you have a joke that goes out there and it's a joke that you're proud of, that you'll fucking stand by regardless, and a bunch of people hate it good those are people that were never going to come as those aren't your audience members oh when i get over a bunch of people

yeah i'm like okay yeah really when they write like uh you just lost the fan i'm like you weren't a fan yeah if that's if that's all it took i had a I had a fringe where one year basically I'd gone from being like sort of cheeky chappy young teenage comedian like oh

aren't mums weird and you know underage drinking blah blah blah and then I did a show which was basically God's not real drugs are class

and fuck everyone that's not me and every day during that fucking fringe I would watch minimum I've got the ticket sales to prove it,

minimum 15 people a day walking out of that show. Because they'd all seen me do TV in the UK, but it was all pre-Watershed TV. So it was all very clean, no swearing, and nowhere near to the degree that Brian Reagan does any of it. And every day I watched 15 people leaving. And there was that constant temptation in my head of the comedian to be like going,

I could win them back. I could win those people over. I could do jokes that got them to come back in the room. But I'm not going to because the people that are staying, like you've got, our art isn't for everyone and that's the fun of it, right? Which is- Is this art, do you think?

A hundred percent. I think so. Really? I hate to say it out loud. Not, I don't think it's, you know, if we take art as a spectrum, and I know how the right hate spectrums, but, you know, if autism is a spectrum and success is a spectrum and all this stuff. spectrum and all this stuff. On the spectrum of art, I don't think we're necessarily up there with musicians and

actors, despite the fact that some of the best actors in the world happen to be comedians by the, you know, Robin Williams was particularly fucking good, Bill Burr is becoming a surprisingly good actor. And actors can't do what we do. They fucking cannot. And musicians cannot do what we do because Madonna bombed at fucking Jimmy fucking Fallon.

Yeah, I opened for her once. I think what we do because madonna bombed at fucking jimmy fucking fallon yeah i open for her i think what we do is yeah my love defenders i think it's absolutely a fucking art i don't but it's not it's not a high-end art very low end yeah yeah but that's what's great about it yeah the low end is good but that's why i find it so so funny because occasionally you do get comedy snobs and you're like man you've got to understand all of this all of this entire sense of humor comes from lower class humor itself comes from people at the bottom trying to make anything good out of that situation and sometimes the only thing you can make out of that bottom situation is laughter people at the top living in fucking castles don't need to make each other laugh. I heard Prince Andrew was funny.

But no, you're right. I mean, all the minorities, the oppression, they're all the funniest. Some of the greatest jokes in the fucking world must have been told in Auschwitz. Oh, my God. We'll never know. Jews are pretty cool. Slow down. Some of the fucking greatest comedians in the world came from that fucking time it's

absolute proof that it comes from built yeah like comedy comes from the bottom laughing up but that's where it comes and just laughing from bad stuff and i and i do that stuff happens to you when you're down yes but we talk about people getting mad and i do think if comedy is a low-end art then if it is people getting mad is a good thing because what do people get mad at they get mad at fucking tarantino yeah they get mad at spike lee they get mad at like these filmmakers who are considered artists so if people get mad at comedy i think it legitimizes it as that type of low-end art right comedy's not low end art it's just not high-end art we have art the reason that we hate saying that it's an art film is because whenever we think of art

we think of fucking museums we think of we're going to do this big weird fucking sculpture that costs 20 million to make and it doesn't mean anything and it's made out of spoons and that means and it's about the artist's relationship with his mother and you're like we spent 20 fucking million

that's upper class fucking art. But when you look at lower class art, which is jazz, which can be done by fucking anyone, well, I mean, not anyone obviously, you've got to have access to musical instruments, but original jazz didn't come from that. Comedy is lower class art, which is making its way up to the fucking middle classes.

And I don't think the upper classes will ever truly get it but that's fine they keep imposing or opera on people fucking orchestras that's all their shit all these 25 million pound paintings is all them being like this is our art and you all have to value it whereas i think comedy is art from the bottom and it's much harder to get it to that middle section because they don't care about what we do, but we care about what they do. That's interesting. That's well said. Yeah, sometimes you see what those Christie's auctions go for, a piece of art, and you're like, are you out of your fucking mind?

You can take any fucking bit of art from the center of fucking New York and take it to some of the poorest people in America, and I guarantee you 99% of them wouldn't fucking appreciate it. You can take a fucking comedian from New York and put them in any part of America and I guarantee you they'll get more appreciation from that. Yes. Comedians, I think, are unwilling to call this an art form

because of the negative stipulations that come from it. Because it's art form. It's pretentious and comedy is unpretentious. It has to beious it has to be well you've not seen my comedy how long are you at the Soho Theatre for? I'm there till Sunday

but I mean this is just first of all I just want to be on the show you're ever in New York you gotta come back you're such a great guest I'm touring America you're ever in New York you gotta come back come back you're such a great guest man I'm coming I'm touring America

with this show eventually I've got three specials coming out later this year just on my website three? three? yeah

yeah yeah so I had when Netflix gave me the Dark and Jigsaw specials I already had like the way the UK comedy scene works is you write a new hour every year because that's how the fringe the fringe is every august so you write a show for august

you tour it until december you've been that show and then you spend january to july writing a new one to then take to the fringe again and that's the class that's the how high school works in the uk um so i mean now i don't do it that way. Do you feel like that's too quickly ever? Oh, at the start, yes. If you ask anyone about my first, second, or third Fringe show, they were probably utterly fucking diabolical and shit and was way too long for a comedian of my experience

to be on stage doing what was let's be honest 30 minutes material stretched out to 60 minutes with other stories that didn't fucking make sense but it did absolutely give me the work ethic of turn it fucking over every year now i'm not doing it every year now now i'll do a new show every two years but i would not be able to do it had it not been from you know the first 10 years of my career was 10 brand new shows every single year wow do you ever feel like at that nine month 10 month mark you're like i gotta really pull some shit together here yeah yeah man i'll be dead honest about all my work there's some shows that i think fall well short of other ones but also

that's natural yeah but I've also learned again because this is an art form we do not get to choose how audiences consume our art

and how they take it so there's shows that I've done that I hate that are the most popular ones amongst my fans

oh isn't that interesting yeah and it's really interesting. Like, I'll come off stage and be like, I fucking hate that, and there'll be people saying, I'm trying really hard now to basically not ever let my audience know how I feel about any show because my perception of it is so far removed

from what theirs is. Yeah, why do you think there's that discrepancy? Why do you think? Because it's still imposter syndrome on my part. Like, you know, I love the fact that I get to gig in America and I love the fact that I'm invited on shit with you guys to do shows like this. And, you know, the comedy sale are always so nice to me

whenever I go down there. How have I never seen you there? Because, man, I don't jump up oh really no no because for me and this this is all me issues it's not anyone any way anyone at the cellars ever made me feel i kind of like the staff have taken me on fucking nights out there like there was a party that they made me come to and get fucking done i love the cellar i love every part of it every time i've played those rooms it's been you know again you gotta understand scotch comedian who grew up as a teenager watching people play clubs like this that's right that's

fucking but it's still it's just when i i feel like a foreign fucking exchange student of course who's just put into this fucking school and it's a new pecking order like you know in the uk i'm not really on the scene anymore because i just i just tour and then i come to the states and i didn't i didn't have to start again here thanks to conan's stuff i was able to sort of get in with the clubs here but then getting straight into the fucking clubs here i absolutely felt like oh fuck i've i've skipped the queue and people have been like who's the fucking scottish cunt right is this international yeah because you know in the uk you were probably moving tickets and and here was it weird to be like oh i'm not selling as many tickets it was it was that a weird

transition so because now you are obviously at that time well no no well I mean the first when I was doing America for the fucking first time man I couldn't the good thing was

and especially Comedy Works in Denmark they were all sold out because the Comedy Works has such a good reputation that people will just come down to see what's ever on there so there was a bit

where I wasn't shifting tickets to a certain place but I never I never perceived it that way. I always took it as, man, I'm in America and 30 people in Indianapolis have turned up to see me live. Like, that's a fucking achievement. It's not how I want to play the room, but I can't punish the 30 people in the room who made the fucking time to come out there.

But, you know, the New York scene, to me, is the most respected and therefore the most fucking intimidating one. And I remember, you know, the first time I was invited to fucking sit down at the comics table at the Cellar, which, you know, growing up listening to podcasts and watching fucking Louis was like, this is unbelievable. I can't believe I'm part of that. You know, to go away for a year and then do the rest of the world where my career is going

and then come back and set that table with a different group of people who've got no idea who fucking Scottish Macaulay Culkin is. Right. Just turn it back up. And again, nobody else has made me fucking feel this way. I've never felt fucking unwelcome. I've never felt ostracized. This was like, what do you want to say, 10 years ago that I was texting you about daniel yeah yeah like we thought you were funny for so

long so it's it's funny like you know you do have that feeling like oh new york but you know you're you're killing it man yeah you're doing great the soho playhouse is one of my fucking favorite venues because they were the first one to put me on when I came over to here like and they day one I played to nine people, I was at six day one day one I played to nine people day two I played to thirteen day three I think I played to about forty

and then on day five it's like a hundred and eighty room and you can see bits of them and I'm on stage and there's about fifty people in the audience and it's New York and I'm on stage and there's about 50 people in the audience and it's New York and I'm like everyone's in New York you know everyone tells all these stories and I look in the crowd and I'm like oh my god

that's Cal Penn oh wow and also the guy that wrote all of Obama's speeches you know was part of that oh I didn't even know that oh yeah he was part of Obama's campaign and I see him and I'm like I't even know that. Oh, yeah, he's part of Obama's campaign. And I see him, I'm like,

I'm doing this tiny little fucking New York run, there's no way it's him. And I do the rest of the show and I don't mention it and I go through. And then after that I'm like, I'm almost certain that was Cal Payne. And I go downstairs and I get into the bar of the Soho room, Soho Playhouse,

and there is just an Indian man there. And I'm like oh I'm a racist there was just like an Indian guy in the room and he does look a bit like him I guess but maybe the stage lighting makes me less racist and I

say hi to him and I take a photo with him even though he doesn't want one but because I have all this like white guilt of like oh I thought you were just another famous brown man and then and then I go outside and I check my Twitter

and Cal Penn was like hey man I came to the show I'm around the corner if you want a drink thank god oh thank god thank fucking god for so many reasons

yeah yeah and when I turned up the first thing I said was like buddy you'll be pleased to know I'm not a racist because I recognized you from one other Indian guy and I I did a show the other night and I was like I think Martin you'll be pleased to know I'm not a racist. Because I recognized you from one other Indian guy.

I did a show the other night and I was like, I think Martin Luther King is in the crowd tonight. Must have been a dream. That was a dream. I'm sorry, man. Well, at least Cal Penn, he should be thankful for cricket. Yeah. So whenever I come over here, I tend to do the Playhouse. Because I also, I, man, I tend to do the playhouse because I also I

man I do 75 minutes and because I'm fortunate enough to be at a position where you know when I'm touring the world you know I'm doing 75 minutes going back to 10 and 15 and 20 is fun and challenging

and sometimes I fucking love it but I mean, they've, they've asked me to be on this seller a bunch of times here, which was my fucking dream when I was, you know, even in my twenties for the seller to be like, please drop in,

which make 25 year old me rock hard. Yeah. But then I'm just like, my show finishes at half nine and my son's in bed. I gotta go. Yeah. That makes sense. Ah, the son. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That makes sense. Well, I've got a show there at 10.30 if you want to pop in. Tonight? Yeah, just throwing it out there. But I know you don't want to be a bad father. No, but if... Choose Mark over your son. Yeah. And I could because you being there would get me over my fucking,

even though all the staff left me and are consistently welcoming. You need a bridge. I just, yeah. I'll be there too. We'll hang. Yeah. I just need a playmate. I just need like a little fucking.

You got both of us. Are you there tonight as well? I'll be there. Yeah. All right. I mean, I'll have to, I mean, I'll, when I say run it past the fiance. Well, hang. Yeah. I'm running some new have to. I mean, when I say run it past the fiance. Well, hey. Yeah, I'm running some new stuff.

Oh, yeah, me too. I got some horrific new. Me too. It stinks. Oh, great. Then I'll absolutely come back. This will give me fresh fucking perspective. Those long sets are the best where you just are like, oh, I got to like really.

Like, why would you want to do 20 minutes when you could do 75? That's why people make fun of me for doing the road. I'm like, that's why I do the road. I get material out of it. That's where you work out. But you both did the, I mean, and you, I don't know if you know this, but the example that's used in the UK when it comes to how there was this period of time in comedy that fucking existed where Netflix was suddenly there. in comedy that fucking existed where Netflix was suddenly the that was and as someone that had two

Netflix specials I can tell you the experience of that almost Carson level of overnight fucking success where things fucking changed but there was this huge gap in between between like everyone wanted specials on Netflix Amazon Prime were offering

them and we were all like yeah I can wait I'd rather work in one of your warehouses than give you an hour of my Netflix, Amazon Prime were offering them, and we were all like, eh. Yeah. I can wait. I'd rather work in one of your warehouses than give you an hour of my fucking material. Yeah. Because people browse Netflix. Nobody browses Amazon Prime. I do sometimes, but not for comedy. But it's on Amazon and chill.

I know, dude. You fuck with Bosch? I like Bosch. Bosch is great and then there was just this huge fucking gap and then you guys

finally I mean you know you released him on fucking YouTube and for so long that was such a I think it was seen

as almost counterculture or mission of defeat yes I think it was a failure I'll put it on

fucking YouTube and then you proved there wasn't because I'd said for years to my fucking agent, I'm like, because I'd seen when Bo Burnham, remember,

Bo Burnham released what on YouTube before Netflix fucking bought it? Like, it got 100 million views on YouTube before Netflix were like, oh, fuck, we need to take this.

Wow. I knew from that fucking moment, I'm like, it's, if you can find your way. They know how to spot talent. Yeah. No. 100 million views. We're in.

Yeah, right. But comedy should be a meritocracy. And sometimes it is. There are certain stages in this job that it is, you know, if you're on the open mic scene, it's a meritocracy because the best comic will eventually arise. So you're on top of that. And then you'll start getting on other places.

But then there's this new layer, which is kind of meritocracy, which is you're the best. But there's also agents involved and producers and TV. And there's all these other things that are coming in that are fucking up the audiences. Not their enjoyment of it, but how it's being translated into work thereafter. They're like, okay, you obviously were brilliant, but we've got two of you. So we actually want this person who did much worse, but that's a different market.

And this would start happening. And don't get me wrong, I still think because of this job, because of the nature with the audience, there is the chance of meritocracy of people getting to the job and that's why i think the internet now in in the past two years has become actually such a powerful tool for comics because the comedians that went and i'll hold my hand up was one of the comedians being like i'm not doing tiktok i'm not doing instagram reels i'm not doing these shitty little i'm not doing instagram reels i'm not doing these shitty little i'm not gonna write my subtitles on a fucking 15 minutes 15 seconds stand-up clip and burn that material

there was this real snobbery from comics like fucking three years ago being like well no we're not doing that and then certain people fucking did and it fucking blew up because of course you were giving your material in the best possible format just out there to the world. And you know what? Let's say, at best, 50% didn't fucking like it. But the 50% that did came in and went, we want more. Because that is how capitalism works. You've got to stop playing to the back of the snobby room comics and start playing to the people that are buying tickets to see you.

We just want to sell tickets. Yeah. And also, they're jokes. How many people, some of those comics who are snobs, who are shitting on us are posting pictures of sunsets. I'm posting my fucking act. I'm a comic. Well, because you two

were more, I would say, especially from the perspective of the UK, you took the jump into that well before most of our comics. Because now we've reached critical mass. So many people are now doing. I'm even fucking tweeting and fucking Instagramming stand-up stuff.

Because I'm like, oh, this works. We now agree this is a system that works. Yes. When you guys were starting it, was there any of that like. Of course. I still hate it. Comics I respected shit on me for it and it didn't feel now that i could tell they're like i should have done that but i shit on them and i

can't you know you turned a youtube special into a netflix special that's right you're the first person to do it from the opposite fucking direction you know i don't know if i'm the first there's other people but like you know i i went a weird route where i did two comedy central specials then youtube yeah then another youtube and then uh and now netflix so it's weird to go starting with the industry love but it's comedy central so it doesn't do shit for you because no one fucking watches tv at 11 p.m on friday yeah so i have to build a special come on and then youtube so then back to like the industry and industry side that actually helps with netflix you know? Yeah.

Yeah. You got to make it your own way. So it's weird to go like that kind of, you know? Right. Whatever works. You want it in the end. YouTube is now becoming oversaturated because so many comics are doing it. Like I swear to God, we get hit up every week from a comic like, I've got a special coming out.

And we're like, there's a special every fucking week. More than every week because there's more than 50 comics oh yeah but the market has to be is you put your stuff out on whatever the socials are whether it's fucking twitter tiktok and instagram and you pardon me you put out your content whether that's a 15 second clip of stand-up or if you can't get two minutes out what you're doing is you're just sewing seats you're going here's what i do and obviously you get some people like we hate that we don't want that shit and you're just sewing seats. You're going, here's what I do. And obviously you get some people that are like, we hate that, we don't want none of that shit. And you're like, all right, well, fuck off. But people who like it will then come in.

And I think that's what TV ignored for so very fucking long is the fact that if people really like something, if they really find something that resonates with their fucking heart, they will go out of their way to fucking consume it. Like I had one of my Netflix episodes, for whatever fucking reason, I'd never expected this, went cult.

Like it's a show that broke people up. Right, I remember this. Yeah, it was never the intention. It was just a show about toxic relationships and about me getting out of this relationship. And it was sort of like a real rally against people in fake relationships. Man, one of the 13 shows I've done

in my career, for whatever fucking reason, this hit a part of the zeitgeist. How many couples did you break up? Couples were at 500,000 and divorces, I'm at 550. I'm still mad at you. I loved her.

You're right, you never know. Bill Burr said he walked off stage after that Philly rant and he was like well that goes my career i just fucked my career up and then look at that it's one of the most badass moments just because like it was insane that bill even had to deal with that but the fact that he just didn't bend you're like he's just i mean the most quotable fucking bit and i've done it when bombing just to make the comedians of the room at the back of the room laugh is you just go seven minutes like if your gig's ever going bad you're like four more minutes one minute in the period he just keeps going he goes hockey terms i mean yeah bill just i mean that

was like the moment where i was like i already thought he was a great comic. I was already a big fan. But, yeah, the fact that he just didn't bend. Oh, man. That was when I watched a level of stand-up that I was like, all right, I'm never going to reach that. I'll never have the courage and I'll never have the brazenness and also because he was able to do it because I think because he did have such a love of Philly itself right with that audience you know he was able to just you know but they just booed you for no reason

they were animals I mean they booed Dom Herrera off stage Dom is a fucking amazing comic great comic Dom has been an amazing comic for almost 40 years yeah that's why he was Bill was pissed he was like you gonna boo this guy fuck you or is that what fucking said at home Dom off stage Dom's got one amazing comic for almost 40 years. Yeah, that's why Bill was pissed. He was like, you're going to boo this guy? Fuck you. Or is that what fucking said at home?

They booed Dom offstage. Dom's got one of my favorite bits. You ever heard his bit where in comics he'll go, true story. He goes, who cares? Say something funny. Like anyone's after a show. He's like, man, that Dom Herrera stunk, but boy, did he have integrity. That's a great Dom Herrera bit.

Great joke. He's great. Yeah, but you never know. I did a million of these late nights. They don't sell tickets, you know. But then I did a morning show with some lady, and I was drunk or hungover, and that popped. You never know. Yeah, but your clips from those shows sell tickets.

Clips from the show. I'm not saying they were worthless. They look professional. They look good. Yeah, of course. Look, as we said, there's no more Carson. No. It's the internet.

But I think when there was no more Carson, comedians sort of trusted it to be left up to Hollywood or in the UK, the fucking BBC, to make these careers. And there's just been this time when we just sort of trusted executives and producers to pick us out of the tree and decide where we wanted to go. Whereas what we're realizing now, and look, I could be wrong in the same way that when the internet came out,

people were like, and now the internet's here, we'll all become more intelligent. And somehow we all became dumber. So this might be me saying one of those things preempt. But I believe now that because of the way social media is working and comedians' abilities to put their material out there regularly into a wider audience, I do believe we're going to see a slow death of television. Because you're going to have comedians that can just, thanks to their social media, tour. Because people will eventually find them. Because there's this algorithm that another company created that certain people will be watching certain bits of material

and then they'll be introduced to your stuff or my stuff or your stuff. And then they're suddenly in our algorithm and they watch our stuff. And without watching television and without ever going to see stand-up comedy live, they're now introduced to us as a person and they'll buy tickets to a show. And people that work in television will go, wait, hold on, you're selling out 3,000 seats every day, yet you don't have a television on the BBC. And you're like, yeah,

this is because you don't know what's going on anymore. They're almost middlemen. They've always been fucking middlemen. But they had power before. Yeah, they had middlemen before because there was no other alternative. This, because they were the, they chose what audiences

saw. And that right has now been taken away. But it used to be people that worked in television. You're right, gatekeepers. Yeah. They chose what was entertainment. And now, thanks to the internet, nobody gets to choose what entertainment is anymore. People get to choose what they're entertained by.

And thanks to this algorithm that was created for the opposite fucking reasons, people are now finding artists that they've never seen before and can now, it's the most, I mean, this is why Patreon is so successful now, because this is the first time in the history of entertainment that there's ever been such a direct fucking relationship between artist and fan.

And it's not for other people you don't have to soften your material for other people you know you don't need to weaken what you're doing to appeal to the fucking masses you can offer them the opposite of that which is what the audience want which is more you yeah i like you right i think you're great whatever this is i fucking subscribe and it takes a while to become used to that like i still blows my mind that i have fans but when you realize you don't advance man they love you it's like you know you just have to look at in the same way that you look at musicians i love this and i'll listen to everything they produce there are people that feel that way about comedy which is crazy there are people that feel that way about paper mache

yeah sure welcome to the fucking weirdness of the world. Yeah, I mean, furries. Yeah. No, no, no. They do all have to be killed. On air, every furry, like, I'm not here to fucking kink shame. But if you're a furry, there's... Die.

Yeah, die, die, die. Eventually the static electricity will get them. There is something about, you know, these gatekeepers. I get emails from my get them. There is something about these gatekeepers. I get emails from my agents now. They're like, this company wants a general meeting. And I'm like, I'm good. Yeah, what a great feeling. Oh, this company, they produce Penis Island.

Can you meet with them on Zoom for 60 minutes? I'll be all right. You know what? I'm going to go to the fucking coffee shop. I'll audition for that. Penis Island, big show. No. I'll audition for the island Penis Island. I didn't get it. No. You auditioned for the island.

They wanted me to be the penis. Yeah, you're right. Epstein's Island. Sorry. Never auditioned. Yeah. Yeah, it's true. But that's freedom.

That's nice. That's the nice thing about having fans. Yeah. You know, you got your own people. You got your own army. And then eventually they'll, they want you. Yeah. They want your people. And that's when it's just easier that's when you just make the show you want without concessions and all that shit that's why i don't do any circuits as much man i'd fucking love to you know spend two weeks here doing all the fucking clubs every night

but in 100 honesty it's's laziness I have my audience don't justify my laziness I need to punish myself mentally and I'll not have you ruin that but no even before my family were over whenever I was in New York I would be

down to the cellar but I'd be doing shows here and be like no I'll not do it and I should because I love going down there, I would be right down to the cellar, but I'd be doing shows here. I'd be like, no, I'll not do it. And I should, cause I love, I love going down there, but I'm at a stage now in my career where I'm so fucking fortunate. The fact that, you know,

wherever I go, I'll find my audience. And that is whether they know it or not, that is the comedian street, which is, you know, we don't, we don't want to appeal to the fucking masses unless you want to be, you know, the worst of comedians.

Sure. You know, I don't know who the worst comedian is publicly seen as in America, but in the UK, it's Peter Kay. Nobody messages to the show, it's absolutely Peter Kay. I don't know who that is. No, you don't, and you never will, because he's a fat Manchester comedian who just did nostalgia on stage.

And look, I'll insult him because I think he's personally shit as a comedian. Cunt sells out arenas. Oh, wow. He's one of the most quoted comedians in the UK. His work ethic is second to none. Can't take him on in that. Good fucking joke writer really good with audiences

but you hate him yeah yeah I fucking hate him okay oh because there's enough stories about Peter Kay off the circuit where you know what his stage persona is different to his actual real life persona and also it's straight down the middle comedy and not with the skill

and humour that Brian Reagan does it. Don't compare. Just because he's clean doesn't mean he's Brian Reagan. He doesn't have the talent that Brian Reagan has. I didn't even know he was.

I wasn't comparing. Oh, yeah. And if you were to watch it, you wouldn't understand it because it's very specifically British. It's nostalgia about British youth. But he's huge. Oh, yeah.

And man, again, again. Do you know him at all? I know of him through people that have worked for him, which is why I have my perception of him as a human being. And that is an awful one. I love the fucking shots fired. I know, honestly. I'm into him.

Oh, who's going to touch me at this point? Well, we've got Russell Brand on after you. Oh, there was a joke i could have done there but it would have been cut we don't cut yeah oh you would uh you oh really oh boy all right there's no more cutting in the city now that dear evan hansen's closing so i gotta you're you're we we stay around america we do canada we meet england you know maybe ireland what's a crazy country or city that loves comedy that we don't know about? Like, out there, overseas.

I don't know if you did that intentionally, but you genuinely listed every other country apart from Scotland there. Oh, yeah. Well, I put that all in there. I got to go there. Do I have to go to Scotland? I've performed there once. It was wild.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You should go to the fringe, but not do an hour there okay because the hour especially with your you would do a good hour i think you'd do an exceptional but i think you would not enjoy it because it wouldn't be like doing an hour at a comedy club like when you go to edinburgh uh it's the largest arts festival in the world you have to understand that there's only two things globally that sell more tickets than the Edinburgh Fringe, and that is the Olympics and the World Cup. Wow.

Wow. The third is the Fringe. It doubles the population of the city. There are 2,000 shows on a day, 500 of which are comedy. The drinking laws change. It's the city. I live there the rest of the year. The city fucking changes.

Yeah. The mistake that a lot of American comedians make when they come over is they're expecting it to be like a comedy club vibe, which if you do The Stand or you do Monkey Bar or the comedy clubs, you'll get that, but you're doing a network.

There's nobody on before you. There's nobody on after you after you it's just you and that's a difficult transition that being said i've seen plenty of american comedians smash over there because you don't fall into what the brits do over there you don't create a narrative you don't make it about your dead dad you don't have a musical number at the fucking end you just do a solid fucking hour, 50 minutes of fucking material and don't get me wrong, first week is difficult because audiences coming in and working

at what they like, but then word of mouth helps and then by the rest of it you're having a great show because I mean, fucking Britannic American sketch duo came over and I only saw them on the final day and they were one of the best things I've fucking seen. Yeah, why do I know them?

Do we see them in Ireland, Mark? I think we do. One of them is the brother of Michael Henney. Oh, okay, okay. So, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think it's absolutely worth you doing the fringe, but the way you should do the fringe is you should come over and do three nights there because what the fringe does and the mistake people should do the fringe is you should come over and do three nights there. Because what the fringe does, and the mistake people make with the fringe is,

you have to go back to the fringe every year. Because you are building your audience every year. You go on stage, you play at 70 people, 70% of that like it. Next year you move up to 100, you get a 60% fucking turn rate, but word of mouth has helped to take it up there. Then the next year you move up, then the next year you move up to 100. You get a 60% fucking turn rate. But word of mouth has helped to take it up there. Then the next year, you move up. Then the next year, you move up. Then the next year, you move up.

Australian comedians are famous for it. They'll come over, have three great fringes in a row, and then not come for a year. And then they'll come back and they'll be like, where's my audience gone? They're like, they thought you died. Right. Like, this is the fringe.

If you want to become a fucking french comedian successful the french you have to do it every fucking year every year but you can you can come in and drop in but barnum is coming in and uh well to be fair to bull bow did a two full fringes uh and then came back and dropped in uh bill burrs dropped in to do Three Days at the Fringe. This year, his name escaped me. People come in and just fucking drop in. Yeah. Sean Patton, who's done the full fucking run as well.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. One of the most underrated comics in our country. And he's got a new special on YouTube. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And was underappreciated in Edinburgh for about two weeks until eventually the audience found him and then he started fucking smashing it

because that's the way the process works, unfortunately. Well, to be fair, he's underappreciated here, too. So that's just his thing. We love him. It's because he's so aggressive.

But yeah, three days. All right, that's the move because a month is such a commitment. No, no. I would, no, no. Come over for, come over for two weeks

and do three shows man experience the festival you whatever I tell you about it doesn't matter you have to experience it for you to

because you'll you'll experience a different festival to me you'll find different places that are actually really good to play you've got to understand this city

opens up rooms that are closed for the rest of the year to become venues so you go into this old fucking room where there's water dripping off walls and 50 people are sat in there and you're like what is this for the rest of the year and they're like nothing this is where people used to be tortured like we just like the people have performed in coat closets to three people. There's tops of buses.

Like, it's... Wow. You just don't... Whatever I sell you and whatever I tell you about it will be a lie because your experience at the Fringe will be different. Yeah. But that doesn't make your experience at the Fringe any less. You have to go over and... Ten days is the best

because ten days is the ultimate holiday anyway. Right. Two weeks is too long. One week is too short. If you were to go over for ten days is the best because ten days is the ultimate holiday anyway right two weeks is too long one week is too short if you were to go for ten days and you were to put on two shows

at a good venue as you could put you in with and the other eight days you decide what spots you want to do because there's a thousand spots a night you can do

late and live you can do fucking Spank you can do Monkey Barrel you can do any of the fucking weird shit that's going on there's other weird comedy shows where i did one this year where the comedian was there were two actors on stage and your job as comedian was to just direct them

doing macbeth no no no stand-up comedy just for an hour two people do macbeth and randomly you just as the director with the microphone chip in with how you think they should be doing Macbeth. And that's the show. That's fun. That's weird. Well, it was the funniest thing. I enjoyed it so much. At the time of my life, there were such funny comedic actors.

You know, you could go to the fringe a thousand times and never experience it in the fucking same way. There you go. You just got to. That's a good sales pitch. Yeah. Maybe we'll go the same year. I would love to go. Alright, maybe we'll do it. I hear it's beautiful. I'll set you up with a call. Maybe we'll do a live, we might be drunk. I'll set you up with see the shows. We never do it. Now we're talking.

Do they drink out there? Let's do it. Alright, I've always been intrigued, but I keep turning it down for more money. No, no, no. Man, do not do the full run and do not buy in technical. If you want to, if you want to fucking take the risk, it can work out for you. And I would recommend it. If you can do the full run, I think there's so much learning in it. And I think it's such an important bit of fucking learning that if you you want that you'll benefit from it hugely if

that's what you want then definitely do it but before that i would recommend you just go over to the fringes because there's there is nothing like it so you cannot make any rational decision on how you want to do it before going there and being like, oh, fuck, this literally doesn't happen anywhere else in the world. Right. I hear you. All right. It sounds, I mean, Michelle Wolf had a great time. Ari loves it.

Patton loves it. Canane. Oh, Ari gave us horrific mushrooms one year. On the second last day of the fringe I met him at one of the artist bars and he was like a fan gave me these I took one 20 minutes ago and it's great and I was like I don't like mushrooms

he was like I do and I'm telling you as a friend this one's safe and I took it and then like 40 minutes later he came up to me and was like I made a huge mistake I, this is fucked 40 minutes later, he came up to me. He's like, I made a huge mistake. I, this is fucked. By the way, the number one guy who tries to get me to shroom.

Yeah. Is Ari. He's like, we got a shroom. Terrible fucking endorsement, Ari. Yeah, yeah. Terrible fucking endorsement. And because of that, I say, fuck the Jews. Whoa, whoa. Oh, boy.

No, hold on. He represents you all. Come man I think I can get a flag on YouTube we're pulling this man before you buy tickets to come see me live go on Netflix watch my Netflix specials YouTube specials Jesus watch Dark and Jigsaw I will also be releasing three specials on my website before the end of the year so wow yeah but they're from

previous shows that weren't picked up by other places but we filmed them anyway to a professional level and they're good in fact if you enjoy Dark a professional level and they're good in fact if you enjoy Dark and Jigsaw they're better than those ones because they came after those ones yeah there you go

that's the way to do it highest endorsement great comic so definitely watch this yeah and plug some gigs too oh you want me to plug the fucking Dublin, Newcastle, vilnius all these weird places in europe we might have some go to daniel sloss.com i i do europe heavily i do lithuania estonia uh belgium germany france la all the ones going my way i i yeah i do everywhere

i'll tell you i've done europe a good bit, and I ate my ass in Belgium. Have you ever been there? Yeah, yeah, yeah. They can take a while. Yeah, yeah. Oh, man, did I die in Belgium. Everything else was great. Antwerp was weird.

Antwerp was weird? Was that with Bert? Yeah. You've been to Antwerp? Oh, you went with Bert Kreischer? Yeah. Well, that explains why it was weird. Yeah.

Like, Belgium wasn't ready for Bert Kreischer. Scotland was amazing. Yeah. What did you do in Scotland? We did Glasgow, some kind of warehouse-y looking place. Oh, the garage. Yay, the garage. Yeah, yeah, the garage is fucking Glasgow history, man.

Yeah, great time i got uh lexington kentucky i don't know did we do phoenix already lexington uh new brunswick okc springfield missouri fort wayne indiana happy thanksgiving to me uh kansas city missouri tacoma spokane more shit's coming big tour announcement coming soon uh and watch my netflix special same time