We Might Be Drunk - Ep 97: Phil Hanley

Episode Date: October 17, 2022

We are joined by Phil Hanley for todays episode. Such great conversation with a great comedian. Check out Phil's YouTube Channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC-r4Tg3nBRALtxJn12fFP_Q/videos  Find Phil on the road: http://www.philhanley.com/ Find Mark Normand on the road: http://marknormandcomedy.com/ Find Sam Morril on the road: https://www.sammorril.com/shows Join us on Patreon: Patreon.com/WeMightBeDrunkPod Get some shirts: https://www.bonfire.com/store/gotham-production-studios/ Visit http://www.manscaped.com and use code DRUNK for 20% off.

where did the drinks arrive oh they're coming let's start with phil saying where did the that's perfect our buddy again our buddy phil hanley is in the building hey one of our best buds yeah i am this is the this is the first time i've ever been excited to do a podcast how do you like that dread doing podge oh i do yeah i mean they're fun when you get there but i'm injured my back and alcohol helps yeah and i generally can't drink this early so i'm excited how'd you injure it's been fine for like six years or something like that and i flew four times last week and i with my back was like a little funky and then i stretched the shit out of it and it's like yeah wait do you stretch it or you get a helper i normally will like

pre-pandemic i'd like work out and stretch and do all that shit and then i haven't been and uh wow this guy's going to town on these cocktails he's a pro man he's a mixologist and you're a negroni guy like when i think negroni i think phil yeah it's my favorite beverage you're either drinking a scotch or a Negroni. Yeah, yeah. Glenn Fittick, he either drinks a Glenn Fittick on the rocks. Macallan? No, Glenn Fittick. Oh, I like Macallan. Okay. Do you? Oh, yeah. People buy me

Macallan sometimes because they don't know the difference, but yeah, it's, oh, thank you so much. Ooh, thank you, Beer Jew. Look at that. That looks good, dude. Well done with the twist. Yeah, love the twist. Oh, love the twist. Oh, yours is submerged. I think that's the move.

Isn't that the move? Well, I like to put it on the side, and then you can drop it in if you like. I mean, smell that. That's a smell right there. Yeah, I like giving the option. Yeah. Oh, mine fell in. Ooh, that smells perfect.

Holy shit. I think pubes, too. Yeah, those are mine. I think you said pubes for a second. That's what I heard. Sweet pubes, dude. What is that, a gray think you said pubes for a second that's what i heard what is that a great one those are great too don't worry wow this is not i mean something about a negroni in the summer just hits yeah perfect wow that's great man look at that color too perfect redness not too thick that's a good drink yeah. Well done. Beer Jew. Beer Jew. Beer Jew.

And for the folks at home, I think that just the one secret to really upgrading your Negroni game or your Manhattans in general is to get a nice, sweet vermouth. That's what I have in my fridge. I really like using Carpano Antica. This is like the one that you'll find the most common.

Sorry. We were raising our classy level for a second with him explaining vermouth, and then Mark just brought us right back down. Hey, the high-low lifestyle, you know? But yeah, Carpano, it's good. If you want to up your game, go grab it. It's the easiest to find and the best quality. I smell that.

So this is the thing you're supposed to put vermouth in the fridge, right? And people don't know that. Yes. You refrigerate your vermouth. Yeah. Yes. Yeah. Okay.

It can last for a little while outside, but after a while, it'll go funky. Oh, he's heading easy. Mark's transitioning back into like foodie mode. Yeah. He's like, oh. That's nice. Yeah, because after a while outside, it'll smell like one of Mark's farts, so keep it in the fridge.

Good to know. Great note. What is vermouth? Great question. Vermouth is like a super, super concentrated sweet wine. Ah, I never knew that. Okay. That's why over time it turns a little bitter, but still keeps its sweetness.

Okay. All right. Cool. Just like a comedian. Yeah, absolutely. Perfect. Okay. All right. Cool. Just like a comedian. Yeah, absolutely. Perfect. Yeah. Hey, dude, yeah, that's like Hanley's go-to drink, man.

It's good to have you here. You're like one of the first guests we want, but you wanted to wait until you had a special to promote, which is now available on YouTube. Yeah. How about that? Came out September 22nd. Hell yeah. Yeah.

Oh, shit. Great special. We were both there. Okay. You killed it. You were there not, I, uh, you were both there and I remember being on stage in the second show and being like, oh, this

is, I feel like this is good. You know, nerve wracking and it's doing a special and I was like, I think this is, you know, I think it's, we got it. And I looked over and I could see you cracking up. Uh, yeah. Well, you know, what's great is we always talk about this. Our friends were all so busy, which is good, but we used to see each other all the time watching sets all the time always in the same room and now we're always on the road we're running around we're doing pods so it's all

fresh the material i've never heard it so i get to just laugh and enjoy like an audience yeah it's funny because and the beauty of that is the people that you respect most like you got you'll see a set and i'll be like oh fuck i did so much old shit tonight and then you guys haven't seen it in so long you're like oh i love that new bit you're like oh thanks meanwhile it's like a year and a half on the road like tight and ready to go of course yeah and then you think man i suck but you realize this guy's been doing that bit since 88 yeah i got busted from sam uh last week because i i was dicking around for most of the set i was trying new stuff and then i closed with uh an older joke and i came off sam's like oh that was you know a great set or whatever that was like you know uh and i was like yeah i was kind of dicking around he goes didn't wasn't that

your closer from your special oh but it wasn't my clothes because he goes because he goes uh yeah i was just kind of trying some stuff out i I was like, I think that was your close one. From your hour. But he was just trying to get off stage. I had to fuck with him. But yeah, I mean, that's the fun too is like, you know, we're all on the road so much that like, you know, we were at the cellar on a weekend together and it's like, holy shit. That's how you kind of dream it up when you're a kid. Yeah. The three of us in the cellar.

Hell yeah. That never happens. And I will say, you two are my two first comedian friends in New York City. Hear, hear. I felt like Norman greeted me when I got off the plane. I try. Yeah, I like to welcome. Yeah, very welcoming.

You used to walk around in that little paper boy hat, remember? During the day, yeah. The newsy hat. Oh, yeah. I forgot about that. I just chalked it up to Canadian. Yeah, I know. oh yeah i forgot about that i just chalked it up to canadian and then sam and i when i first like moved moved here uh we lived across the street from each other

we see yeah you remember that oh williamsburg yeah we used to go to the same coffee place you and i with a special little coffee yeah it was so good it was like our afternoon thing yeah we'd walk over but i when i met so norman was so friendly when i first got to town but sam was like a love up for a sight thing because we were playing that crazy show remember that show low uh low res me yeah oh with that powley yeah it was this it was like six people in the crowd there was a huge screen and there was like aerobics being yes played in the background yeah so you'd be on stage no it'd be like a woman's ass right where your face was very distracting you know it's a post-show thing yeah yeah yeah it should be so fucking distracting it was 80s aerobics but anyways i

remember seeing sam and i'd probably been in the city for like a few months whatever and seeing sam and it was like holy fuck this guy's got bits yeah you had bits we still do but like back then it was i was so blown away because it's so rare you see so many comics but so few of them you're like holy fuck yeah i think there were like eight people in that crowd too i think we bonded because you were like i gotta do this college and i remember that a little bit and yeah that was a weird show because john pally who would run the show he'd have the aerobics on the background the show was called

Buns and Puns that's right he would walk around with jello shots to the crowd and cinnamon buns and they were free so you're just

performing for a crowd and you're like this is the althiest show in the history it is yeah and it was a weird room it looked like the bar from

Clockwork Orange it was all white it was like totally white everything was white like the bar from Clockwork Orange. It was all white. Yes. It was totally white. Everything was white seating. That person beat me with a dildo that time. What happened to Powley? He was a character.

I've seen him on the street a couple of times. Really? There were some great stories about him. I mean, he had, there was a quirky character we used to hang with, John Powley. I remember one time he was in a bar and he noticed a guy was pickpocketing people. So he followed the guy out of the bar. He goes, hey, can you come back here? And the guy was like, I didn't do anything.

And he goes, I'm following you. He chases the guy for like 10 blocks on the phone with the cops. What? The cops get him just as a guy tries to get away into the subway. What? And he got some sort of like badge of honor type thing. Really? Because he brought the guy in and all the wallets were returned.

Wow. That ass. Powley. Yeah. And he's not an intimidating figure. No. He looks like a fucking flamingo. Yes.

He might be the least intimidating. So friendly though. But I remember that show. He would just like, he was barking, but he'd like, a girl would walk by and he'd like walk down the block and then like they'd turn around and come back in. He'd pick her up. Yes. Yeah.

He had that skill. He was so agreeable. What's the word? I guess fearless, but he was warm. Non-threatening. That's the one. Yeah. Oh, look at that.

What is this? Is that Buns and Puns? How the hell did I get on there? Wow. Jonathan Pally. There he is in the top left. Where are the... Oh, yeah.

There he is. Look at that, Tim. Yes. I haven There he is in the top left. Where is he? Oh, yeah. Look at that, Tim. Yes. I haven't seen that in years. It was funny because you guys talk about this show having eight people. That was the highlight of my month doing that show because I did so many bad gigs. It was hit or miss. There were sometimes when it was like 150 people in a tiny room and sometimes when it was like 12 people.

Yeah. I mean, it was my favorite. And he would put us on like whenever we wanted he spoiled all of us he was so lucky for that so lucky i see vecchione there every now and then that was a nick vatterot would go on there that was fun different time we were we were scrounging for shows i always think it's crazy like we take for granted i particularly take it for granted because i grew up in the city but like you know you came from another country you're from canada from oshawa originally yeah and you grew up later in life in vancouver yeah and then you move i mean across another country it was uh yeah and i had done like i remember

this is and then i started all over i'd done comedy maybe eight years i i had done uh the craig ferguson show which like felt like a credit i was like oh yeah no one gave a shit because i didn't get it from new york ah interesting i remember when i uh someone vouched for me i showed up it was an open mic at three cups there was like five people in the crowd i just moved i was i couldn't i hadn't lived here i was staying in here i'd rent like an airbnb for three weeks and just try to like meet people and do shows and i showed up this five is this terrible open mic everyone's bombing and i go to the dude that's booking it uh rg rg daniels yeah and i go to him i'm like yeah uh you know so-and-so wrecked me he said he could do a spot he goes yeah send me a tape i'm like oh this

city's gonna be fucking brutal brutal yeah to immigrate you're the only one that sam you're the only one that recognizes that i had to get like two work two work visas and a green card wow yeah how's that process for the folks i mean it's brutal i mean i'm dyslexic so any forms it's like this many forms and uh yeah my mom would help me but uh yeah it's shit it was probably in total probably 25 000 bucks three things and it's shit. It was probably in total, probably $25,000 to get the three things. And as a struggling comic, $25,000. Get out of here. Yeah, totally.

Yeah. It was rough. And then it took so long. But now, obviously, I'm so glad I did it. But God damn, it was a pain in the ass. But the dream was always, like, you never flirted with LA. No, didn't. No, because I watched, right before I started, I watched Comedian.

And Seinfeld was doing the cellar and hanging out in New York. And I was like, oh, that just seemed like the thing to do. Yeah, that's the way to go. L.A. would have been better because it's so close to my family. But no, I wanted to be, yeah, just New York seemed like the place to be. Yeah, you chose New York over your family. Yeah, totally. You want to be a good comedian.

New York, yeah. You're such a New York comic. I mean, it's like, you know, your shit's so tight. And I remember that Ferguson set. You have one of my all-time favorite jokes in that set. Because you say, I quote this joke all the time, but you say, you know, when you meet the right person, you know right away. Oh, yeah. How can we meet the wrong person?

It takes a year and a half. Oh, right, yeah. That's a fucking, that's one of the shortest, most perfect jokes. And there's a novel in that joke. Because you just picture all the bad relationships. That's one of the shortest, most perfect jokes. And there's an old novel in that joke because you just picture all the bad relationships. Yeah, I did a lot of research to come up with that. But it's funny. I remember that was probably the first good joke I ever wrote. I had that and I had a twin joke about I was dating a twin at the time.

And I wrote them that afternoon. And that's comedy where it's like, then four years later, you write write another one you know what i mean like i remember they both came out the same afternoon i was like this is it this is gonna be a piece of cake and then you're just like you know you write one of those and you're like cool i need 75 more that's exactly it yeah and then you're kind of scrounging and you're like milk what's funny about milk you know you're trying to write a joke and there's nothing coming that's what we we first bonded about because we both would try to write every day. And I remember you talking, but you still like pace on your roof. Yes, that was my big move.

Because I couldn't write. I can't write at Starbucks. These guys are sitting on a Starbucks. That's crazy to me. I'm like, I would just look at everybody or check my phone. So I need to pace. So I don't look at the phone. You got the TV off.

But then I live with my girlfriend. So I couldn't write jokes in front of her with a hairbrush going, Uber, huh? You know? I have to talk out loud. So I'd have to go on the roof for privacy. Girlfriends suck. Yeah. Right, right.

I'd like to fuck other people. She hated that bit. Yeah. You don't like that premise, babe? Yeah, yeah. But then sometimes I'd be on the roof and there's some other guy on the roof like what's he doing over there crazy guy talking to himself to jump off yeah so that that was tough you had to make it work back then you had to figure it out i was

a janitor and i would write in the boiler room that's incredible because i didn't know where else to go that's that's incredible you never had a job here no i've never had a job here. No, I've never had a job. Ever, ever? No. Yeah, I had a job for a couple weeks in high school, and then I worked in a couple bars briefly. Bartend? Yeah, I was a terrible bartender. I was a bartender in England in a gay bar. What the fuck?

What are you, a spy? Where'd this come from? Bartender in England? We were a model. That's a job. Yeah, that's a job. All right, all right. But it's like

yeah so no i did have i did have uh jobs i was bartender in in england and i got hired because i was a model it was a gay bar and they made me like head bartender and i'd never bartended before this is your shit your sitcom by the way oh really oh yeah come on model gay bartender yeah the modeling thing didn't work out they're like kid we got one last stop for you no it was when i first moved to england before like i was just started modeling and i worked in this gay bar i was head bartender in the main bar and it was such a mess it was brutal yeah yeah boy george would come in who boy george oh wow so it was a gay bar yeah yeah yeah okay man yeah boy george can't go wrong there. No.

Do you really want to hurt me? Was that a fun gig? Yeah, it was fun. It was just wild. I was like 20 or something like that. Oh, yeah. Yeah, it was like. The food service, whatever industry, is bananas.

I mean, it's just blow and hook up especially like gay like the gay scene in england at that time like i thought i'm from like a like basically like a mini detroit and people fucking party hard we partied hard but then that like england is just like next level i don't know if they still party like that but like yeah how about the modeling uh yeah modeling yeah that's a like how did that but like yeah how about the modeling uh yeah modeling yeah that's a like how did that start like how did you just get into that well i had a friend who she was like successful and i came she lived in new york she moved out of osher when she was like 16 she was like you're very successful and then she lived in new york and

i came to visit her and all my friends are going to college i'm dyslexic and wasn't special i couldn't go to college and she was just like brainstorming what i was going to do with my life because the options weren't very there wasn't a lot of options in oshawa i i applied to work in the convenience store across the street from my high school damn fucking depressing like a 7-eleven yeah it was yeah it was called One Stop. But yeah, it was, could you, all the teachers who said you wouldn't amount to anything would be there buying a sandwich and a Coke. Nailed it. Yeah, being like, yeah, I still got it. And so like my parents were like tripped out that I was going to get like stuck in Oshawa.

And yeah. Isn't it funny that you're basically a writer? Like you're dyslexic, but I mean, you're writing a book. Yeah, I sold a book. You basically a writer like you're you're dyslexic but i mean you're writing a book yeah i sold a book you sold a book you're writing comedy you you write your own act i mean you're a dyslexic writer it's so it's so yeah everything i've done has always been the biggest pain in the ass you could fucking possibly do including moving to new york like it was like such a fucking pain but it's because as of the first day grade one if you can't read or write it's difficult yeah you know so i was like whatever but um yeah

england was fun uh tons of people did tons of drugs but i i did drugs in high school so by the time i got to england i was like kind of over it well you you were an acid guy i took some acid yeah we could tell by the shirt obviously i took yeah but you know what i took a lot of there okay there's a great oh there's here's a wreck i have so many recommendations here's a wreck the other one on uh netflix it's a documentary about uh bob weir the rhythm guitar player for The Grateful Dead. But he's talking about The Grateful Dead would do Acid every Saturday afternoon. Damn. And I was watching it, and I was like, I used to do it every Friday and Saturday. Like, I did it twice as much as The Dead.

Whoa, as The Dead. Yes. Jesus, man. That's like Aaron, I fucked more than Wilt Chamberlain. Yeah, I heard. That sounds very unhealthy. Yeah, you would think it wasn't. I think, and I don't recommend LSD for people because it doesn't agree with everyone.

Some people take it and they're just tripped out forever. For some reason, it agreed with me. And yeah, you would do one on Friday and then I would double it on Saturday. Wow. Did you even have time to come down? You'd come down a little bit. I'd come. I was brutal.

I wouldn't sleep all night because you're up all night. And then my dad would want me to cut the grass. Sure. But the book. Cutting the grass. It's pink. Yeah. You're pushing this unicorn.

My dad's like, why is it Paisley? But sorry, what was that? Oh, then you Saturday doubled down. Oh, yeah. I was like, LSD acid really agreed with me um but sorry what was that oh then you saturday you doubled down oh yeah lsd acid really agreed with me where's sam but no but what i was gonna say is i felt really like dirty because i took drugs in high school and i all my friends were older and uh i felt like dirty for taking so much acid because there was like it was like a full pot at the time and then i saw a therapist one that we're all very familiar with sure and i told him and he goes you took acid because you were in special ed you were super frustrated with school you felt completely misunderstood and you needed a break from

reality and then like this i was like yeah i had like it's the same as when you have a shitty day and you're like i want to drink i had such a shitty day i just needed you know something a little stronger than a drink right right i love the idea of phil being like 13 years old just hanging out with a bunch of like 40 year old bearded dudes i hang with an older crowd yeah like bikers hangs with the hells that makes total sense why you would do that you were yeah you needed an escape and you found one absolutely and then i and then so i finished high school moved to england and started modeling and stuff and then drugs were very plentiful you know what i mean your friend got you into modeling yes the friend from oshawa who moved to new york yep she got you into she and she's a successful yeah she

was successful she lived in new york and stuff like that and at the time new york the guys that were like models were like all- guys that actually look like models. And I had super skinny and I was long hair. And that was. Can we get a picture of you, Phil? Oh, please. There's one. There's one.

If you go on my Instagram. Oh, boy. Very exciting. You were a big cardigan guy for a minute. I did. Yeah, I did. OK. But. You were a big cardigan guy for a minute. I did, yeah. I did. Okay. But, yeah, so then by the time, and if you're like a straight young dude working at a gay bar, the drug options are very plentiful.

But I was kind of over it by them. Okay, a lot of clips. You're in for a treat, Matt. Oh, man. Do you follow me, Matt? Keep scrolling. Keep scrolling. Oh, now he does.

You want to go down. You want to go way down. This is like old school. Uh-oh. That's a good barkeep right there. Yeah. Keep going. It's way down.

Sorry. Damn, dude. There you go. I saw it. Oh, my. Is that Jared Leto? Holy shit. There's a bit.

That photo's altered because it's a it's a bit but that's without the mouth moving you can look at that straight straight black i like it better with the lips moving got a pretty mouth boy yeah he does holy hell holy shit this is wild look at that look at that hair dude that was my first fashion show that was the first big that was in milan that was my first like fashion show so when did you come out as a straight guy dad sit down it's not what you think maybe it's dad stand up yeah and leave holy hell but yeah great jawline good eyes i got a comedy special in Canada way, way too early. Yeah.

They do that over there. Oh, yeah. They just, because it's like funded by the government, they have to give a certain amount out. Holy shit. That's crazy to think of comedy funded by the government. Yeah. Yeah.

Hold on. I want to see you handling it. Give me just a top me. That a baby. I got shows tonight. I got shows too. And we recorded another ep. Phil, we're going to be fucked up here.

You have another episode after this? No, no, no. We did one before you were here because we're both on the road for a while. So we backlogged a couple of these bad boys. What were you drinking in the previous one? Paper planes. Oh, okay. I've never had one.

Whiskey, ap, I mean, dude. Just make him one just so we can have a sip. Just so he knows what he's missing. I mean, it's a hidden gem. Really? I think it might be my favorite cocktail you've you've talked about them i've just never i mean more than an old fashion i'm not old fashions like a classic i like manhattan's better than old fashions i love a

negroni i love a martini paper planes in that category for me it should really it should be a classic it's just not as simple as the other ingredients i. It should be in the mix of like the staples. Really? Oh, yeah. It's that good. It's so good. I was at a bar the other night and they had it and I got fucking excited. And I was like, you're damn right I'm getting one.

Oh, God. When you want a drink and then you're at a bar, it's just perfect. There's nothing better. When you have a weird taste and they can deliver on that shit. I was in Costa Rica last week. Yeah. And we did a show and the guy who ran the show was like i'm taking everybody out for a nice steak and the whole thing so we

go to this costa rican steakhouse it was amazing and i just gotta i said you know what give me a dirty martini and it was so fucking good when you hit that you get the exact thing you want and it hits the spot so good and when someone does it right it's like executed properly yes tini's are you really got to be careful because you don't realize how fucking strong they are. Yeah. Because they go down so easy. Dude, I went on a date and I had, I want to say like, you know, four or five. Gee, that's a lot of vodka.

But they're serving them with a little side thing. Oh, yeah. So it's like you kill one. I'm like, oh, I have a little extra powder. Like a milkshake. So I probably had like eight. And I'm like, holy shit shit i woke up that next morning puking my guts out one of my favorite quotes of uh from my dad was when i was a teenager and he must have we were gonna drink martinis and he must have heard me planning it on the phone or whatever because i was like saying

goodbye to him or whatever and he put his arm around me he goes you see my ear he goes martinis are murder huh yeah and they were they were they were fucking deadly someone kicked over the vodka we were just drinking vermouth all night yeah that's a bad hangover dude it's funny as hell to like that's like you're like dark still like like you're planning a heist like we murder him at noon yeah we're gonna drink martinis your dad's like don't do it son yeah don't do it good advice sounds like a noir film martinis are murder but's like, don't do it, son. Yeah. Don't do it. Good advice. Sounds like a noir film. Martinis are murder. But they are.

Like, they fuck you up. What was that thing that Tom Papa said about martinis? Like, one is not enough. He said it's like tits. Yeah, there we go. One is weird. Three is too many, and two is perfect. Yeah.

Yeah. No, I feel like that. I've heard that with just drinking in general. I don't know. I feel like four are've heard that with just drinking in general i don't know i feel like four are pretty good you like four tits it's two women threesome yeah or like another type of mammal manatee five martinis on a date you must have been rolling i was on fucking en fuego for the moment for the date i was killing it the next morning i was just like oh yeah that's the worst puking up nothing that's the worst oh when you're just like i'm

just here to puke but nothing's coming out yeah you're a puker i was looking for uh i was looking for uh for these pills i i used to have this doctor that would just hook me up with like anti-nausea prescription pills, and I couldn't find them. So I'm like, I'm on all fours, like, pill. I can't fucking find these pills. I just tough it out. I was able to fall back. I also have to sleep a certain way because my neck is still fucked up.

So I'm like, I can't sleep on my side. I have to kind of fall asleep on my back. So I'm like, it's hard for me to fall. You're going to die Jimi Hendriximmy hendrick style yeah right terrible puking your own mouth yeah suffocate look at him go dude that's a good good mix just a smidge i just want a smidge just give him a taste dude just rub some on your gums dude you want the rest peters oh shit oh he's a alcoholic tell me this isn't a fucking dope ass cocktail the paper plane all right i like the glass is that a traditional paper plane glass

usually you want it either in like a smaller coupe glass but we just used all those and uh or you can do what's called like a nick and nor glass which is like one of those small nick and nor charles what's up from the thin man i. I'm not sure where the... Yeah, I'm not sure, but it's basically, it's like this, but a little smaller, like a very small, like, almost, but it's like a short stout flute. Got it. Like a door flute. Like a chode.

Is that where it comes from, or what? There you go. I love the little, is that a paper airplane? On the side? Oh, wow! Nice touch! The deep devil's in the details yeah i nailed it look at that nick and nora detective couple nick and nora one of the uh that's a good rec if you haven't read it the thin man a married couple you know he's a retired detective they married uh he married her so now he's like this badass retired detective who's just written norman i

always say like you want to make a movie cool or a book cool just make the character rich because you can do anything yeah so the character batman so he's just a rich cool badass and they solve mysteries together and get fucking wasted it's a fun they're fun i mean it's uh by dashiell hammond who is a pinkerton who was an actual oh wow detective really yeah badass and big inspo for Raymond Chandler. If you like murder mysteries that are fun books. And the movies, Thin Man movies are great, too. Yeah, dude. That drink is insane.

You like it? I do like it, yeah. Paper plane. We're trying to bring it back. I'll order one when I'm out. Oh, yeah. You'll look cool. You'll look like you know your stuff.

Lava paste. Yeah, they're getting really popular, too. Oh, yeah? Oh, jeez. I think we might have something to do with it hopefully i might be drunk we're bringing it back bringing it back just like where's that clerks too uh i gotta rock for you guys clerks and ari shafir already made this wreck on our podcast but i'm gonna double wreck it everything everywhere all at once the movie i gotta see oh i gotta see it we're the only people visually and i've never seen a movie have you seen impeters okay visually it's like unlike anything you'll ever see i've never heard one bad review about this movie not one it's a little the one thing i will say it's a little long for what it is because it's just like fast paced like bam bam bam for like two hours 12 minutes but it's gorgeous it looks i would say

if anyone ever seen like kung fu hustle like the steven show movies like yeah the same thing okay okay 95 it's a comedy it's weird as hell it's a comedy yeah but it's like a heartfelt comedy it's the kid from goonies uh grown up data really and yeah round also from Indiana Jones. That's right. Let me show you. Jamie Lee Curtis. Jamie Lee Curtis, thank you. Jenny Slate. That was one of my early comedy crushes. Was she?

Do you remember that show she used to do with Brooklyn? Big terrific. Where they would line up out the fucking door. Yes, yes. That show was hot with the dangling, the white tampon strings or whatever those were. Yeah. That was a hot show. I saw Chris Rock there once. Really? Yeah, yeah that was a hot show i saw chris rock there

once really yeah yeah how was that i saw zach guff and i kissed her before really yeah well he was there with aziz i think he was watching aziz do something and then they were like you gotta go on he was like fuck it i'll go on and then he tried a bunch of shit that scared the hell out of him and he left because that crowd was a little uh precious soft, they were soft. Soft, exactly. He's too good for them. Now, let me ask you this there, Acid. You like the acid. I don't touch acid. I did in college.

It was too intense. I go all shroom. Oh. Where you at on the mush? I like, I mean, I don't do hallucinogenics anymore, but like, I mean, I would be open to down the road someday. But for me, we just couldn't get the mushrooms like i remember like thinking as a teenager like oh mushrooms like it seems so exotic and cool um so we rarely had them but it's a similar feeling i feel like uh i feel like acid

is liquor and mushrooms are beer yes you know was going to say that acid is like, mushrooms is like a dull saber and acid is like a sharp one. Yeah, well, to me, acid was just like, whoa, holy shit, my brain is exploding. I'm seeing and thinking too much where mushrooms are like, I'm laughing, I'm giggling. They're so similar, though. They are very similar.

Same vein. You don't microdose ever? You don't do this? I did briefly during the pandemic, but I don't really do it anymore. What brought that on? Just sheer boredom? Yeah. I remember I was microdosing. I was going through a breakup, and I was super bummed.

And then I saw we were hanging out or something like that. You go, you seem so much better today. And in my head, I was like, I'm flying on acid. Ah, really? Can you function? Uh, yeah,

I just took, I shouldn't say I was flying, but I was a little like, I like microdose times two. Wow. But I did feel better during the breakup. But yeah, I don't,

I don't know. Now I'm just like, whatever. I'll have a coffee. I had a friend in high school. That's the most, I grew up. I used to do as I'm like, no, just I'll have coffee. high school. That's the most I grew up sentence of all time.

I used to do that. I'm like, no, just, I'll have coffee. All right. Coffee. Yeah, that's funny. Still listen to the dead. I used to trip balls. Now I do Nespresso.

Thank you, guys. It's a great commercial for Nespresso. Yeah, right. All right, take it easy, Beer Jew. Thank you, Beer Jew. Thank you. Oh, thanks, man. Thank you, brother. He swoops in, he swoops out he's

it's like a drunk batman so uh i had a friend in high school he got into a fist fight he was kind of a nerdy guy got beat up whatever we were hanging out like a month later he's on acid he's flying he's he's through the roof on acid eyeballs huge chugging booze being crazy climbing up trees and shit we see the same guy who beat him up but he was like a jock he was like a tough guy and he goes right up to him beats the shit out of him no way he was on acid he was juiced up he had no fear whoa and just the intimidation he had the crazy eyes and he was like a foot short of this guy he was like a football guy and my friend was like this you know nerdy skateboard dude kind of scruffy and he beat the fuck out of him this is like a dude drugs ad i know just walked up to him with a skateboard like yeah we're like dude don't do it he fucked you up so bad like

i remember he punched him and he uh pierced his lip through the the tooth like the tooth came through as long as that shit happens here you're probably fearless i guess once you get your ass kicked like that you're just like. We grew up in similar situations because you talk about seeing people get the shit kicked out of them. So much fights. I saw it too. Yeah, they would just be like, they would look like they had that disease that the elephant man had afterwards. Their face would be all swollen.

They'd have like, it looked like half of a tennis ball knots. Yes. It was so brutal. Brutal. I saw guys get kicked in the face when they were down you know with a doc martin just boom to the face like a soccer kick you're like horrific yeah oh my god i don't know what that was oh that's horrible yeah that's bad yeah yeah great ad for wilson though wilson the tennis ball yeah you know uh yeah dude i mean that's the getting the shit kicked out of you like that

i i knew i had a friend like that who would do that and he really in see new york he was fearless he was like one of those dudes who didn't look tough but every time he fought it was like game over it was like they're like something something possessed him yes in that moment he was the most gentle guy he beat me up once we were both drunk and i made the mistake mouthing off to him and it's hilarious and he just took my face i think i swung at him and missed he took my face and just smashed it on the fucking floor oh bloody nose everywhere and he just fucking and that was kind of it i mean it was like he just kind of kicked me a couple i was like i'm done oh my god when he got into with other guys that's when it was like he sent one guy to the fucking er yeah i know what the you

know just fucking i get a phone and he didn't look like he can fight those are the scariest of course but it's such an athletic thing the coordination and the like it's insane i know but back then it was it was an adrenaline like it was just like i was like what it was more like what's going on at home yeah Yeah, it is quite revealing. There's just so much anger. Maybe the dad hit you or you had a death in the family or you're gay or there's something in you. Then she's like, I've been holding this in. I'm angry.

I grew up with a guy who had taken, he was like the toughest guy in Oshawa. And you could even, you could. That sounds like an insult. Oh, he's the toughest guy in Oshawa. And you could even, you could, that sounds like an insult. Oh, he's the toughest guy in Oshawa. If you wanted to, you could, you,

he didn't even have to, he was so tough. He had such a reputation that you didn't even need, he didn't even need to be there. You could just remind someone you were friends with him and they would, they would leave you alone. Right, right.

It's like a fable. Yeah. And, but he wasn't, he was like a fucking athlete. He was a great hockey player. studied taekwondo oh yeah and so he was he was graceful and a badass dude it was crazy he would do like round like it was like karate kid shit yeah in a street fight he would do like roundhouses and wild crazy have you seen the new karate kid on netflix cobra kai i loved it I watched the whole thing in like two days. It's like, dude, it's so dumb.

I mean, it's fun, but have you seen it, Phil? I saw the first season. Or part of the first season. It's a kid's show. It's a kid's show. Yeah, but I tried to watch the newest season, and it's just like all these arcs of like kids like flirting, and they're in like eighth grade, and they're like, I can't watch this shit.

What am I, a fucking pedo? Yeah. And then I love how the whole arc of that show is like, remember what happened in ninth grade? I'm like, no 50-year-old talks about this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No 50-year-old is this hung up on a karate tournament. Right.

That is like, it's part of the fun. That's funny. William Zabka's incredible. The guy who plays Johnny Lawrence. Kills it. Who? Is that the blonde guy? Yeah.

He's incredible. It's such a bummer. Who? Is that the blonde guy? Yeah. It's such a bummer. It's the actings like that where he just nailed it so hard in the original Karate Kid that he didn't do anything since then, right? He had a couple bully movies.

Back to school bad guy. He was typecast. Oh, right. Yeah, because he was the bully. He was the blonde bully in 80s movies. God damn, he's a good actor. He's great. But he also was so good at being the vulnerable guy.

This is a three-dimensional character. It's funny how that character is so good at being like the vulnerable guy like this is a three-dimensional character like it's funny how that character is so uh likable and ralph macchio's character you're like fuck this hand job this guy like you got a hot wife you got a big thriving business yeah and you're just fucking with this dude who lives in like a motel six yeah fuck you that's oh yeah he's worked look at that he's you know the same oh really maybe i'm wrong did you remember wrong don't you feel like it was like 20 years where you didn't see him in anything oh definitely you know the same guy who wrote uh cobra kai wrote harold and kumar he worked a lot and kumar is great really great bombed at the theater yeah and then it bombed it bombed and it was like a huge thing where everybody's like okay we'll make it was a big stretch to make it like everybody's

like we'll take a shot on this fucking weird movie. That's a great comedy. And it's great, but it killed in DVDs. Raunchy. I think that's what happened with Austin Powers, too. I think it killed him in Rentals. I don't know. I think that was pretty big.

We might both be full of shit here. I don't know. Harold and Kumar. Big Lebowski was like that, for sure. God, he worked a ton. I just didn't see any of these movies. Well, first of all, I don't know if any of these are getting out there. Some of these might be direct-to-video.

Let's be honest. Let's scroll over. Let's see some of these. He got nominated for an Oscar for writing a short film. Really? Yeah. That's what it said over here. All right.

That's a great moment in Comedian when Orny Adams goes, Stephen Wright, what has he done lately? He's got nominated for an Oscar. He won an Oscar. He goes, what else? Talk to me when he's got an Emmy. Did you hear Orny on

What the Fuck? Sam was listening to it the other night. It's a wild one. The tension is so real between them. Barney on what the fuck? I listened to the- Sam was listening to you the other night. It's a wild one. Really? Well, he just reveals a lot. The tension is so real between them. Yeah. Mark Maron, I love him, but God damn, is he like- He's a pill.

He's easier to- He was nicer to us, I feel like, Mark, because we're of a different generation. Yeah, we don't threaten him. But you came up with him. Yep. Holy shit. Oh, yeah. He comes hard at you.

He's just like, I never liked you. Tell me why. He'll open with that. Yeah. I don't know. Goddamn, he's such a great interviewer. He's good. He might be the best.

He's like, you know, he's incredible. I want Marin on this pod, dude. I'd love to have him on. He would trash us. He would trash us, and we'd do something. We'll get like Jew food for him. We won't do. Ooh, that's good.

That's what we did with Bert. You guys are chewing Nicorette? We did with Bert. We did root beer floats. We put alcohol on ours. We didn't, you know. But we won't do alcohol. If you don't want to drink, you don't have to drink on here.

I can see him sitting there going, like, so you guys have to drink to be interesting. Yeah, totally. You need alcohol to be funny? Oh, I got it. Okay. Oh, you guys drink? You're, like, bros? You're alpha? I got it. Okay. Oh, you guys drink? You're like bros? You're alpha?

I got it. All right. Thanks, Mark. Yeah. Good. Thanks for coming on. We're not alpha at all. I would have been. Were you guys nervous before doing WTF?

Oh, for sure. Yeah. I'd be thinking about it the day before, I think. But it was also, I did it like at the height of like the very beginning of COVID with like, you're going to do it in person. I'm like, yeah, it's like you're gonna do it in person i'm like yeah it's marin i'll do it in person but like yeah but it was one of those things where i was like uh the world's fucking over anyway i was at that point i was like but i yeah i was i respect him a lot i grew up respecting marin yeah like his album i listened

to his albums as a kid you know yeah and obama sat in that chair exactly and you go in and he makes you at ease because you you go in his house and he's like ah my cat shit on the carpet and you're like oh okay and he's in shorts and sandals and so it really comes down a peg it's not so intimidating and he's making a tuna fish sandwich he's like oh we're recording five minutes let me take a shit and he makes a coffee so it was actually kind of loose yeah but the shit yeah yeah took a loose shit it fucking helped a lot i was like dude that's a loose turd he's like fucking do you how do you ever go to la i feel like you're not you don't make that trick no i don't make that trick you got to make that i should in a while i when yeah now that the special is that you can get that trip anything

that is have anything i've ever sam gives me the the advice, and if I do it, it's like a game changer. So yeah, I'll go to LA. Yeah, do the rounds. I mean, don't go a ton, but like go enough just to get on the pods and bullshit. I had a CD, or like I recorded an album, wasn't going to put it out, wasn't happy with it. Sam listened to it. He's like, put it out.

And just like, it changed everything. I was able to like not have roommates. Ah, there you go. 100% thanks to to sam why wouldn't you put it out you just i don't know i was like self-destructive fucks i guess yeah i was like i don't like my cadence like it was like i don't know it was weird i just didn't i wasn't happy with it but it like no one's happy with their shit i guess and also you started doing clips which took a minute 100 sam is like well you're so good at crowd work like phil is one of the best crowd yes and he's a great joke writer too but he really is like it is some people they're doing crowd work you're like whatever

phil is genuinely there's people like you know todd barry phil like there's certain people you like enjoy watching yeah do crowd work you know well thanks phil's so fucking good at it he does his own style where he kind of negs the audience it's like it's a unique way to go into it oh yeah for sure but sam had been telling me for years just post crowd work clips because no one doesn't like him and i never did and i just didn't do it and then i've started i started posting clips like every other day and yeah like it's a world of difference yeah this is like in the last month wow it took 10 years but it's just such a different bill values my advice a lot i did it i did it uh 14 days ago no he gets great advice yeah well it's just a different game like we thought oh i'll be funny

i'll write jokes i'll get crowds to laugh at me but that's like a drop in the bucket now being funny is like seven percent it's so i know i mean not really it's like 80 but you know what i mean it's like it's yeah it's you got to do all the other shit and i just hate it i hate it i hate i pay people to do it it's such a pain in the ass you do you pay people to cut the clips though because i don't trust how do you trust that they would well they go hey is this good they sent it to me and i go i put that joke back in take that one out whatever and then they recut it but yeah it's a little scary but at this point i'm just like put it up i don't care yeah you start to lose faith after a while because it's so much work it's so much work you can't

live a normal life you need to stay relatable as a comic and you need to like do shit. You need to live a life. And when you get this caught up on like phones and social media and stuff, you're not going out and doing things. No. You're not being a person. And being a person is part of what makes the material relatable. Of course.

Yeah. Because like in New York, it's not a normal activity to do a spot at the cellar, then hang with comedians for two hours then you know go home watch two hours for the tv and go to bed at four get up at noon like you know what i mean that's like it's a great life oh yes that's all i want telling me that's all i do but you know now we were talking about recently like clips are so important now that i'll have an opener who's like okay at comedy but he's like oh i'll cut clips i'll film the whole weekend i'm like you're in oh god yeah and that's how it is now no yeah also the people

that do the clips and the subtitling they are fucking they just disappear into the night that is like the ultimate vagabond you have someone you're like this is great yeah and then like three weeks later you're like ah yeah i don't know. I don't shine shoes no more. Yeah, exactly. You get a postcard from like India from a dude. Dude's a senator now. You're like, that guy? Holy shit.

But these young comics now, they know how to edit. I'm like, how do you know how to edit? They're like, I learned it, man. I'm freaking out. I don't know what to do to make it in this business. So they know Final Cut Pro and Avid. They take all these classes. It's a smart thing to do if you want a little side gig as a comic it's it's you know you get extra work you will you know you used to just be having a license you'd get opening work i know that was the car the clips of the new car

yeah clips are the new car damn yeah you're right having a car back in the day it was huge that was the what they say car was the beginning of career car yeah that was some quote somebody told me when i started you can see why i didn't catch on not my quote but yeah but dude i mean i'm pumped for you you know this special i think is really gonna pop i think so it's such a good special and it's like oh thanks it's like you know jokes it's jokes yeah it's hard jokes you film with the seller shout out liz we love you liz yeah liz is the manager the seller the comedy seller the best club in the world i'm hot and cold on her but uh no we're gonna clip that part out it's like liz manages the seller and then she also

like somewhat manages my life she's another really oh god she helps me with so much shit it's crazy i'll see we live in the same neighborhood me and liz and i'll see her walking a dog i'm like what are you up to she's like i gotta walk the dog then i'm gonna turn the lights on at the cellar the kitchen is fighting with each other and then i'm gonna go feed michelle wolf's cats and then i got eight shows tonight i'm like who are you it's so great i mean you see her working like tonight at like 2 a.m she'll be at a table like with an apparel spritz in a glass yeah and and the base is that like she took a three day vacation which she never takes good for her and I swear to God I had just given her shit I was like three days off like I you know someone walked up to her

like where have you been imagine never taken even one day a week off and you take a three-day vacation for the first time all year and everyone's like where were you like that's your yeah hard life that's your impact on the beach and shit too 24 hours a day she gets sex she manages all the show how many shows are at the cellar week like yeah or something like that she manages all the shows all the comics yep which you know we're all a mess She manages all the shows, all the comics, which, you know. We're all a mess. Yes. Then all the staff,

all the barbacks, all the fucking sound people. Right. The waiters, the bouncers. I'm sure Phil's like, what is Spin Cycle? Which one do I put in? Is it colors and whites?

She's like, Jesus Christ. Then all the crowds. Right. It's insane. How many people go in through the cellar a week. I saw her. I don't know if I should say this, but this is how badass Liz is.

Here we go. And we'll move on after this because she's going to hate this. Also, you never see Liz go like, I'm overwhelmed. No. She just keeps it all in and just keeps working. She's a fucking boss. Her phrase is, it'll be fine. She always says that. Yes. That's her mantra. she's her mantra she says to me all the time yeah interesting yeah she said that the

pandemic i was like the pandemic what are we gonna do is comedy oh she's like it'll be fine and that was in like 2020 two things she says that's what they said in the 9-11 flight two things says to me is it'll be fine and phil no one cares it's kind of profound. Yes. In a weird way, like, hey, it's all meaningless anyway, so live your fucking life. Last night, and I got home, and I got it to go, and it said, Phil, no one cares. Oh, that's sweet.

Yeah. She needs a hug. She's the best. Somebody hug Liz, for Christ's sake, and give her a pounding. I think she needs a good railing. Let's be honest. God damn it, Mark. We were there one night, and this woman was being really rude to her.

You know, the show is sold out. You have to get there at 8.30 for a 9 p.m. show. Everyone knows that. You get there 30 minutes early to get seated. And the person got there at like 9.10, and they're like, you gave our seats away? And Liz was like, you know, the rules is this. I'm sorry. She's being very nice.

She's like, you just gave them away yeah non-stop just berating her and at a certain point I couldn't stand as I went over I was like Liz we just had like a couple seats open up you should give it to him two seats just opened up and she looked at me like smiling and she goes the seats open up I was like no they didn't you stink and liz starts laughing hysterically i'm just like and liz is like the person walked away fuming and liz was like i hate you so fucking much that was pretty funny you yeah uh your interactions with her are the best the yelp reviews on the seller are not pretty because it's the best club in the cut but they don't they're there's no nonsense they mean business so like you're late they get rid of your seat if you talk they throw you out they can't yeah when you're the best you can kind of get away with i guess that's why it's the best exactly because they don't fuck around if you show

up drunk 20 minutes late for a show some people are gonna some clubs are gonna let you in because they want the ticket price sure sure but you know that person's gonna suck exactly it's late and you're bombed and they don't hurting the product uh groups and like you know that you can't have more than what four or six people or something something like that that's a great thing oh i don't we wait an hour one star you didn't wait an hour in line chardelia what kind of name is chardelia patrick murphy's in that one star too i mean they just i knew they were bad beer was cold was cold. What a fucking horrible thing. Cold beer? Who likes cold beer?

And the comics were amazing. The beer was cold. The comics were amazing. Staff was very rude and quick to... Yeah, quiet you down. Quick to quiet you down? Patrick, you noisy son of a bitch. Patrick, you're a dumb cunt.

Comedy's a two-way street. One star again? I knew these reviews were bad. I never even looked at these. It is the best club on the planet. Is it the best club on Earth? It is, but that's why these reviews don't matter. Guess what?

If you don't like how you're treated, they're probably better to us. Yeah. What's that? Good point. They're probably better to us. You're getting better comics. Yeah. Comics are great.

It's the best club. I mean, if someone gives them a rad review, it's the same person that is told to be quiet. Are these literally all one star? I'm telling you, man. If you haven't already, it's smooth. Oh, if you haven't heard already, it's smooth sacks summer. The leader in below the belt grooming is making sure we all have a ball this summer by giving your pants partners everything they need to stay fresh i love this thing you gotta love the

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Exactly. You're like, fuck face, you were not only laughing. I was laughing. There was puke on your shoes. Yeah, yeah. I was puke laughing uh so one time i saw a giant comic on stage i'm not gonna say his name hugely successful big famous comic and he was hammered and he's up there like man i'll tell you another thing

and one guy was in the crowd like what this sucks you know what what the hell's going on because it wasn't great i'll be honest. And the comics saw this guy doing that. He's like, what's your problem? And he was like, I'm just saying your hammer. This is weird. And he's like, you think you're better than me? And it was ugly. Whoa.

And eventually they threw that guy out. They threw the guy out in the crowd. And the guys in the wings like, why are you throwing me out? What did I do? This show sucks. It's like Squid Games they just shoot him in the head

you gotta get out of here and he's like wait what and they're like shimmying him out of there he's like what the fuck did I do and I was talking to Liz he's like he's gotta go

flip back the guy's taking a shit on stage yeah exactly he's doing heroin someone else like this smells bad to like kill her too but that's how much

they love the comics that they're like throw him out cause we'd rather have this drunk celebrity on stage. And it was pretty awesome. And you know it was the right move. Yeah. Yeah.

It was like Liz was a mob boss. She's like, him. Kill him. Get rid of him. Kill him. Get rid of the cat. The Cellar is the best club in the world, man. The best club on the planet.

The best. I have a show there every Tuesday at 1030. Thank you. I'm going there after this. Oh, hey. I'm pumped to drunkenly bomb some new material i got my spots not till like midnight my agent just texted me we're coming tonight i'm like great i've had uh five drinks yeah well it should go well it's usually my crowd and they're uh oh

wait you're here tonight i'm doing the oh never mind doing a longer set with will so vince will host he'll do time i'll do like 30 of new and i don't have an hour yet so i'll just bring him back up and we'll fuck around oh that's perfect but but he's he's great at that i love will yeah he's the best with the crowd work and the riffing uh it's remarkable you have a new 30 minutes it's not good it's gonna be an ugly 30 my friend it's gonna be fucking terrible still that's that's probably list has a new 45. Yeah. He just put a special out. I don't know.

What, he put a special out a month ago? Really? A special's been out for a few months. Oh, has it a few months? I don't know, but. But he's a tank. It's pretty early to have. It's going to move.

45. No, but he's getting into stories more. Okay. And so he's putting together like an eight minute story here, a seven minute story there, and it adds up. I was just texting Sam last night. I was walking home from the club. I was like, I need a story. I know. Just story here a seven minute story there and it adds up i was just texting sam last night i was walking home from the club i was like i need a story it's just to have a five minute chunk you gotta make some worse decisions my friend that's where they come from all my fucking best stories they come from me getting they come from me getting lit on

the road yeah yeah and i'm like there we go it's true yeah drinking helps with comedy drinking is healthy i think so yeah for art bodega cat spirits.com i gotta admit i had i did not have high hopes for you love it it's so fucking good it's good and i'm not even a i'm not a ride job drink you know whiskey or scotch but yeah i was underrated. Yeah. Everyone's on the bourbon train. Everyone's on the scotch train. Get on the fucking rye train. And all these celebrities, they're starting whiskeys and they're all doing tequila.

And I'm like, yeah, yeah, stay over there. Let us have the rye. Yep. Kevin Hart is at tequila. I'm like, you didn't even drink. Get out of here. Come on. Let us have it.

You have everything else, Kevin Hart. You got Jumanji 9. Unless you want to come on here, Kevin. Yes, we'd'd love to have you we'll get you a booster seat and the whole thing i brought my i brought kevin hart up once at the cellar like i was they were just like bring up kevin hart you know not even to the host to me i was on stage yeah and i was like all right thanks a lot i'm kevin hart you know i did my thing my dumb thing and then i was like you guys are in for a treat kevin hart and i thought he'd be like why'd you say you're kevin hart but he didn't even hear it oh really yeah i was waiting for like a fun little he was literally he got a

call from his agent he's like 40 million cool yeah oh i meant what do you say yeah yeah hold on spielberg i gotta go on but he was fun he's a nice guy great guy nice guy funny guy i met him once and he was fucking awesome great guy just very cool super nice i was standing beside him right basically where that photo was taken and uh he was saying he was about to go on he was doing new stuff and he turned to me he goes yeah the car's picking me up like for set tomorrow at like 6 30 and it was like 1 30 or 2 in the morning wow works and he's working new stuff into a set he's like it's a huge laugh you're like that's his acto i was doing the uh what's that mohegan sun i was in the comedy club there's an arena there he was at the arena i was at the mohegan sun comedy club and i went to the gym

i made it to the gym at like 11 a.m he was already in there just alone just going at it wow working out i leave i see him i don't bother him he's working out of the gym i leave at like noon you know gamble a little whatever start drinking hang out fuck a hooker go to the buffet i walk back to the pool i was like maybe i'll take a dip and the pool is connected to the gym. And this is like four, still in the gym. No.

Kevin Hart. Are you serious? Swear to God. You don't think he maybe does like two sets? Even still. I mean, insane. He was still there.

Insane. So he is just that guy. He's a warrior. He doesn't stop. He is fit. Oh yeah. He's ripped. Huge dong apparently. Really? 10 inch. Yeah. That's fit. Oh, yeah. He's ripped. Huge dong, apparently.

Really? 10 inch. Yeah. That's what Patrice would say. Really? Keith Robinson, too. Keith, too. Keith Robinson, dude.

Keith, his new material is so funny. He's great. Have you seen him? Keith Robinson has a new bit. So, Keith is a great comic who mentored Kevin Hart. And a lot of- And a lot of Philly guys yeah but keith has you know he's had his second stroke and he's a new bit about how he's a new bit about how he sometimes

forgets he's disabled and will catch himself laughing at other disabled people no that's a great and they just look at him like yeah you too he too. He's like, ah, all right, shit. Ah, that's brilliant. It's fucking great. You want to talk about having a new hour. He just had a second stroke and has a new hour. He's doing hours at the cellar. He's like working on it. I love Keith Rock. Stroke is genius.

He might be one of the coolest dudes I've ever met in my life. The funniest. Yeah. Funniest, coolest. The best ball buster on the planet. Because he does it. He does it the right way. He actually loves everybody

yes comes from love yeah and his laugh is so fucking funny if you hit him back he laughs oh 100 it's not mean it's supposed to be like play yeah you go i go or whatever but it's just great he's a classic but he came he tells stories about like the old school seller when like patrice and everyone would bust balls and he told me a story about like cruising in with a new sweater and he's standing in the doorway he's standing in the doorway and someone yelled from the table like made fun of like he knew like okay i'm like you know this is a risk yeah and he said he just remembers like you just turn around and leave because you couldn't spend the whole night you know what i mean yeah Yeah, of course, of course. It's so different now.

I know. He followed me on stage the other night, and they were bad. They were really bad. And I got off. I was like, dude, they were really bad. And he goes, we'll see. Like cocky.

And then he went up and he goes, they were really bad. I didn't believe you. And then we followed each other. He followed me like three straight shows. And after every show, he'd be like, you better not fuck me again. He put it on you. That's great after every show, he'd be like, you better not fuck me again. Put it on you.

That's great. So, yeah, he's so good. And a lot of people try to do what he does, but they don't have this. He's special because he has some warmth to him. He'll laugh at you. These other guys are like, they're just cocky and mean. Yeah. He's cocky, mean, but he's got a heart and he likes you.

It's an art. It's an art. Absolutely. He perfected it. He's cocky, mean, but he's got a heart and he likes you. It's an art. It's an art. Absolutely. He perfected it. He's cocky, mean, but also he's busting your balls and he's got that thing where he's so revered. Yes. That it's an honor that he's even like focusing on you. Of course.

Of course. I remember when I was brand new at the cellar, he was trashing me all night one night and Gary Goldman drove me home one night and Gary in the car. I said, is it weird how much he shits on me? And he was like, are you kidding me? I'd kill for him to shit on me that much he was jealous that he was shitting on me that much it's like rickles you want him to trash you want it and another thing about keith how you were how sam was saying earlier that you gotta like live a life or whatever keith has life experience oh my god just the depth That's why he's so great. I love him.

We got to get him on here. Yeah, yeah. He's got some stories. He's got like 12 baby mamas. He's got nine kids. It's great. It's fun stuff. That's not true.

I know. 100% untrue. I'm trying to make it more simple. That was a complete lie. I think he's got one kid. He's got some stories about baby mamas. He definitely has stories. i peppered my own interpretation in there but uh he's got he's got some fun stories baby mamas where the fuck

and only nine kids he's got uh like the lady throwing the shirts out of the window story he's got that shit he's got crazy stories plus he like sammy said he like fucking mentored everyone oh yeah oh yeah oh yeah and i think we need a little of that i don't want comics to be mean i don't want people to hurt other people's feelings blah blah blah but that needs to be a little put in check in comedy yes we were missing that and also the one hundred percent with warmth it's not done in a way like i'm gonna hurt you it's way like i'm gonna to, like, dude, I've had Bodega Cat. I was, Liz bought a Bodega Cat at the cellar the other night.

And the second Keith heard it, he was like, oh, you and Mark Norman have a whiskey. Colin Quinn starts shitting on me. There you go. Even Ryan Hamilton, you know, you don't expect to be the guy to shit on you. Ryan goes, oh, with a name like Bodega Cat, you know it's going to have widespread appeal. Everyone's trashing us. Colin Quinn's like, I'm furious. I'm furious you guys are making a whiskey.

But then, of course, at the end of the night, I'm texting Norman about it. He's like, but you're glad they're saying it to our face. Yes. There's nothing worse than leaving and being like, get a load of these jerk-offs. Oh, great idea. Then you leave.

I mean, if this wasn't being like, you can get a load of these jerk offs. I know. They're like, great idea. Then you leave. Yeah. I mean, if this wasn't being recorded, we can name 10 comics that don't get it to their face. Of course. And that's the ultimate insult. Oh, that's the... Because that means we mean it.

Yeah, exactly. You're not really a comic. Nothing worse than someone being nice to you. Oh, yeah. Absolutely. In a sense. Yeah. Well, that's what, you know, like,

oh, I love your haircut. You know, like women do that. Then they walk away and like, she's fucking lesbian. She'll never get laid or whatever the hell. You know, you want the truth. 12 Baby Mamas. Yeah. That's the name of the zip.

But yeah, like that's from going back to watching the comedian and moving to New York. That's what fucking blows my mind is like tonight shooting the shit with colin quinn i know it's insane who's cooler no one is cooler we still think of like you know that's the thing it's like we're still comedy nerds so it's like crazy that we know david tell and colin quinn insane like he'll call me at like 3 a.m last night it's one of those calls where i get it like he just texted me at 3 a.m and i'm like i'm up yeah and Yeah. And it's like a you up text, but just a check-in call. Yeah. And we're just shooting the shit.

And I'm like, holy shit, I'm on the phone with David Teller. He's like the greatest comic ever. I know. Yeah, crazy. I talked to him today and my lady walked in the room and I'm like this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I didn't want to. I was like in the zone.

I was talking to David Teller, so I didn't want to have any distractions. Yeah. She was like, what was that? What were you talking to? I was like, David Teller. was talking to Dave Attell, so I didn't want to have any distractions. She was like, what was that? What were you talking to? I was like, Dave Attell. She's like, oh, okay. I get why you were behind the couch. You know, you didn't want any sounds.

I was naked. It's hard. But I had to be present with Dave Attell. Oh, yeah, 100%. You don't want to be on the sidewalk like, hold on, Dave. There's a guy walking by. Why did you throw the cat out the window? Almost. Almost. Hmm. Now. the sidewalk like hold on dave there's a guy walking by you know you want to throw the cat in the window almost almost now yeah yeah was he asking you if someone had a bit like that no he was asking about some clubs he's doing and i told him that he was asking about a club in

louisville and i said norman just played there so so he called me and uh i'm playing there i wasn't ready for it so i was like oh that's yeah you want to be in the corner you want to be ready for that oh yeah it was out of the blue but we we did like 30 minutes on call and i got a couple laughs and that's all you want he's the best i had a call like that and then you i don't even know if you knew that i was on the phone huh it was like two sundays ago i was visiting uh a bidding i was visiting someone and out of state phil was talking his baby mama one of the 12 i was visiting someone yeah this is a great uh this podcast is getting more and more cryptic you talk like a like a baptist preacher like hey i was visiting someone

anyways um this could be one of nine women that Phil is talking about. Whichever one. Good job. Whichever one, I love you, baby. I was scantily clad, just, you know, had, you know, whatever. Post-coitus. Something like that. Okay.

And the phone rings. It's like an L.A. number. She pulled the butt plug out of your ass. Not yet. No, so I pick up the phone. It's Bert, and he's recording a podcast, and he's asking me. Yes. And I'm like, eh.

Bert Kreischer. Yes. And he's asking me about watches, and we're talking about watches or whatever. And then he's like, oh, shit. And then, so we're talking, and then Whitney phoned you. Yeah. And I realized how much better you are at podcasting than me because they asked you about shoplifting or something. And like at a drop of a hat, I was like, I answered and was like, oh, hey, oh, what's up?

Like it took me a minute to figure out it was being recorded or whatever. Norman was like off to the radio. He's like, ah, shoplift. You're going to kill me. Yeah. He's like going off. Shoplifting. I didn't know you were on the phone.

I, well, I, we were wrapping my segment up. I had no, to this day, I think it was being recorded. I,

I don't, I'm sure it was. I'm sure it was. I fully, I didn't know, but for a minute I thought they were just asking me like a watch question. Yeah. And then,

but it was funny cause he's like, Oh, I think when he's calling Norman and within two seconds you were off like talking about shoplifting. Well, I figured if they're calling me, it's going to be recorded. I didn't know who. It just came up a blank number.

Ah, yeah, yeah. His business is so silly. I know, I know. If that person calls me, it's going to be for everyone. Yeah, that's what it means. That's crazy. That's crazy the world we're in. Yeah, it's a lot of pressure.

I'm seeing him soon. I'm excited to see him. Who? Bert. Where are you seeing Bert? Pod. Oh, you're doing the L.A. pod? Yeah. Oh, dude. It's at his house. Wait till you see his house. Can'm excited to see him. Who? Bert. Where are you seeing Bert? Pod. Oh, you're doing the LA pod? Yeah. Oh, dude. It's at his house. Wait till you see his house. Really?

Dude, he lives next to a... Are you supposed to be saying this? Probably not. He lives next to Henry Winkler. Bleep that out. Famous dyslexic. Right? Yeah, he is. Princeton dyslexic, I think. Yeah, that's where we met.

Hugh from Brooklyn, I think. Yeah, legend. I think. I think it's Yale or something. Yeah, that's where we met. Jew from Brooklyn, I think. Yeah, legend. Check that. I think he's a Brooklyn guy. But either way, his house, it's everything you want in a house. He's got a giant gym in the back in a shed. Really? Does he know that?

Yeah, the gym had a lot of dust on it. But, oh, Manhattan. I was close. Okay. I heard he's the nicest guy in show business. I heard the same thing. Yeah. Everybody says he's the best.

Yeah, he's so good on Barry. God dang, he's good in Barry. Barry's a great show. Yeah, Barry's good. 76. So, yeah, Bert's out. He's got the fire pit. He's got the pool.

He's got the hot tub. He's got the back deck with the barbecue pit. He's got a podcast studio. He's got the man cave. He's got a home theater. He's got the pool. He's got the hot tub. He's got the back deck with the barbecue pit. He's got a podcast studio. He's got the man cave. He's got a home theater. It's insane. Wow. Incredible home.

Yeah. You know, all you see is like LA in the news and it's like homeless and fires and, you know, shootings. And then you go to Bert's house, you're like, I get it. I get why people live here. The weather's perfect. I'm in the hot tub with the high life, you know, just living it up. That's the thing about being super rich.

You're like, yeah, things are going to be okay wherever you are. I know. I know. Exactly. You can be in Saudi Arabia. You got money. You're like, things are good. Yeah.

I don't know. I'm looking around. Yeah. It's pretty cool. And then he was in, I got there early and he was shooting a podcast with Mike Birbiglia. So then Mike Birbiglia and Bert walk out of this garage. And you're like, where am I? This is the craziest life.

Yeah. Fun showbiz. It's fun. Showbiz, baby. Showbiz, baby. Then Bobby Lee showed up and we did an episode. Love it, man. Good times.

Any recs, Phil? Ooh, good question. Oh, and I haven't done my pep peeves. Oh, shit. And I haven't done the new bit. Whatever you got. Oh, and I haven't done my pep peeves. Oh, shit. And I haven't done the new bit. Whatever you got. Oh, yeah. What I recommend, one thing, and you listened to it and you loved it. I recommend, and you'd get a kick out of it, too, I think.

Lay it on me. The Ween country album. Whoa. Sammy? It's mad good. It's so good i like wean so we even feel pushes this hard i'm like i gotta give it a go it's damn good wean so wean i believe the story was that wean owed like one extra uh record on some contract and they were like wanted to like we'll show you this could be untrue but okay we'll show you and they went

i do know they went to nashville and they recorded this album with the jordan airs which were elvis's backup band japanese cowboys so they do they it's a country album and each tune is a different type of country like there's like that like 70s like trucker like driving an 18 wheeler over the town line country then like a country ballad right and uh yeah the lyrics are hilarious it's fucking great so i recommend the wean country album but also listen to the fucking grateful dead listen to american beauty listen to working man's dead yeah then go live with europe 72 and then treat yourself to like spring 90 okay boy and this guy nobody knows more about the dead uh i know for a civilian i know i know a lot yeah well what do you think about the the garcia band oh fuck i love the

garcia i love them too but i feel weird i'm like it's just not the dead no dead but they're part of the dead jerry garcia band i mean it is it feels very spiritual if people like heads call it like church music yeah and you know what's great about the dead is they give you hope as an artist quote unquote i hate saying that but they never hit it big really but their tour everywhere they're sold out everywhere they go they start hit it big no well they start they started in 65 and they built their following by basically they did what comics do now by telling fans to follow them. They sent out, one of their albums said, Dead Freaks Unite, who are you, where are you?

And people would send in postcards, and then they would mail out information about the tours and all this stuff. Wow. They let all their fans, they had a section in the stadium where you could tape all the shows. What? So once they played it, the music was the fans. So there's over 2 000 shows

you can listen to and uh they started in 65 their first hit was in like whenever touch of gray came out in 87 yeah oh my god yes so that was number one either and that's what 22 years in yes and that but that's what where the problem was because then they became super super popular but in the 90s they were like the most popular they'd'd sell out Soldier's Field like two nights in a row. Yeah. Well, there you go. You see? If it's good, it's good.

It doesn't have to be commercially successful. Look at that beautiful man with the smile. Yeah, and Jerry was just like, to see him perform was... Oh, you saw him? Yeah, when I was a kid. Yes. It was unlike anything... What was so special about it?

He just had a thing. And there are people that put it more explicitly than I do. And like, you know, like famous musicians ever. He just had this thing you can't put your finger on. He was just such a great performer. And everyone would focus on him. And everyone would follow each note. And he would do things.

I remember once I had my eyes closed. And I said to uh i was with like an older like friend of the family so i was like what just because the crowd goes crazy sure what just happened they go jerry lifted his leg oh my people were so focused on him yeah um yeah he was just such he was just such an incredible performer but if yeah if you listen to jerry garcia band you kind of get an idea of, because he's got the backup singers. And like a comic, he just worked. He toured with the dead.

And then he would want to go back on the road. And he'd immediately tour with Jerry Garcia Band. Yeah. But it feels like it's got a gospel, spiritual. Total community vibe. It's a love fest. How did he die? He died.

It's a love fest. How did he die? He died. It's really sad. So he went into rehab and he died that night in rehab of- OD? Heart attack? Heart failure or like heart attack, heart failure. But he also, he did partake in narcotics, but he also, he didn't have a very healthy diet. Sure, sure. He's a big dude. Yeah.

Damn. Yeah. But so I recommend starting because people are always like where to start with the dead i'd say american beauty i'm gonna get i'm gonna do it yeah i mean it's just great and then uh working men's dead and then if you want to delve into live then europe 72 and then just go crazy maybe a little spring 90 yeah the music's so i listen to it when i write a lot i'll put a grateful Grateful Dead kind of mix. Yeah. And it goes all over to the Garcia band, Grateful Dead, and then other shit later. But I write all the time on it.

But then when that one fucking song, the Clarice, what is it, Charisse? Ruben and Charisse. Yes. Whoa, this is a deep cut. I'm impressed. Oh, really? Yes. That song is so beautiful.

I have to stop writing and just listen to it. It's amazing. I have a story about Ruben'm impressed. Oh, really? Yes. That song is so beautiful. I have to stop writing and just listen to it. It's amazing. I have a story about Ruben Charisse. Oh, please. So Ruben Charisse was a Jerry Garcia band tune. The Dead did play it like a couple times in the 1991. And you hear the live. If you put Ruben Charisse live, Dead, 91, you hear the crowd because they knew it was

a Jerry Garcia band and for The Dead to play it. The crowd just goes fucking bonkers. It's my favorite song of theirs dude it's amazing but uh he cheats on his ruben cheats on sharice uh-huh and i met a woman one night we were in vancouver we were partying and there's this girl named sharice and we were partying and we're hanging out and um at the end of the night we're like like, everyone's saying goodbye. And I said to you, I go, I love your name. I go, it's the name of my favorite Grateful Dead tune, Sharice.

And she started crying. And she goes, I know, but Ruben cheats on Sharice. And I'm like, he doesn't cheat on her. He doesn't cheat on her. And then years later, I found out, yeah, I listened to the lyrics over again. I'm like, hey, don't cheat on her or whatever. But she was quite uplifted when she found out that Ruben didn't cheat on her. And then years later, I found out, yeah, I listened to the lyrics over again. I'm like, hey, don't cheat on her. But she was quite uplifted when she found out

that Ruben didn't cheat on her. She was a, I thought she was the girl in the song. No, no, no. She was just,

she was just a woman that I guess her parents were deadheads and they named her after Cherise. Damn. Yeah, but that's a great tune.

Great tune. It's a beautiful love song, but he does, I think he does cheat with someone from the audience. Oh, there you go Yeah Rue with a comic

And Yeah Wow Yeah and they're so like I mean this guy Does not look like A rock star But he just is

I love that too He's just who he is They all were like that They never gave in To any trends I mean Jerry's there I'm sure wearing Black track pants

Yep yep And they all look Totally different Bruce Hornsby's in the house For the early 90s Yeah it's like Dave Attell Jerry's there, I'm sure, wearing black track pants. Yep, yep. And they all look totally different. Bruce Hornsby's in the house for the early 90s. Yeah, it's like Dave Attell. It's just about the art. It's not about the look or how cool I am or the celebrity. Yeah, look at Phil Lesh.

He looks like a shop teacher. Yeah, exactly, exactly. Can you turn it up a little? Oh, is this it? Oh, okay. Yeah, so they only played this tune a few times because it was a jerry tune oh yeah and then of course scarlet begonias and all the other big touchy great classics this is a deep deep really well i mean not for jerry band but for the dead yeah all right this is my favorite by far

what i like to do is i just put in a show in youtube and i just like i just i don't look at the thing i just have it playing in the you can put put it in anything. Like, we'll go MSG and just listen to like, they used to play eight nights at MSG. So do you dig fish and all that? No, I never got into fish. I never did either, but again, talk about following. Yeah, they sell at the garden four times. They sold at the garden 13 times

for they did this like Baker's Dozen thing. Unbelievable. Yeah. No, I don't know. I just like the dead i never really got into fish i i understand why people like it yeah but and i think if i yeah i just i don't know i just had this thing for the dead since i was a kid because bob weir was dyslexic and when i found out when i was a kid i just liked it how about that yeah there you go

there you go yeah he was an acid guy though well they all were yeah well there you go. Yeah. He was an acid guy. Bill Willey, I'll work. Yeah. Well, there you go. All right. Good rec. Good rec. You see the passion. I mean, people have told me you've got to do a dead pod. Me?

Yeah. Yeah. I've tinkered with it. It's like hard. Yeah. I don't know. Yeah. I've thought of it. You have such a wealth of information.

It's my favorite topic. Yeah. It's basically all I like to talk about. you give a shout out to uh marcus price yeah he did the special yes yeah marcus did a great job great guy marcus russell price on instagram and stuff yeah yeah i can't wait to see the finished product but i mean uh i mean i was there it was it was killer so uh he's definitely big big i mean he does like our shit, Schumer shit, your shit, Pete Davidson, John Mulaney, Aziz. He's like Hannibal.

He's everywhere. It's basically if you see a great comedy photo, a live photo, chances are he took it. Of someone these days, he does everybody. Oh, yeah. All right. And should we do bits or is that crazy? Yeah, let's do a bit. All right. Why is that crazy? I don't know. I don't know how long we're going or is that crazy? Yeah, let's do a bit. Why is that crazy?

I don't know. I don't know how long we're going or whatever. Yeah. Phil, you got something? I have a... Okay, so this is a bit. So can we just do premises? Yeah, that's what we prefer.

Uncooked, half-baked. This is fucking... I've tried to put this in the oven so many fucking times. I love an oven. And you both know it. Better not be a jew sam has heard this a million times i've probably talked to you about it you norman okay but i have the premise is that hooking up with an ex is the closest we can come to time travel i love this already premise yeah but it not, is it just for people that sleep with their exes?

No, I think you just need the perfect time travel cliche. You know what, dude? I've spent like after the movie. It's going to be Back to the Future, but instead of like an old guy with white hair, it's a woman who just knows a few new sex positions. Right, right. Oh, yeah. I don't know, like, fuck.

I tried like the angle of like going back to the future but like because you've had sex with a bunch of other people all of a sudden you know you know like a bunch of old moves yeah showing up in the like 80s with an ipod like it's like that's funny you pull the person away i cannot get the audience on board yeah and i've tinkered with it for a long time. Yeah, right. That is a tough one. And I've Googled. This bit is like a time machine. It really is.

Yeah. But you can't perfect it. I've tinkered and I've Googled time travel cliches and all that shit. Yeah. It's hard. Maybe the problem is that Back to the Future is the ultimate time travel movie. Sure. And it's so old that a reference from Back to the Future doesn so is the kind of the ultimate time travel movie sure and it's so

old that a reference from back to the future oh yeah doesn't fly anymore time travel time travel they know there's also that other thing of like you know they say you go back in time you step on one twig and it changes the course of the earth or whatever yeah like i've tried that like about like pregnancy like wearing a condom and all that stuff. Yeah. It is wild, though. Hooking up with an ex is a monumental event. Yeah. Because it is kind of like time travel. You're like, should I be doing this?

Yeah. Am I going to fuck up something in the future? Yeah. Right. You know, like. Right. Damn. Am I fucking up the balance?

Yeah, the balance. Exactly. It's tough because it needs to be simplified he's that one perfect angle because it's a good premise but it's loose yeah oh it's loose so we gotta dilute it down that one thing like people always say i would kill baby hitler be like i would fuck sharon one more time yeah oh yeah if she had a baby i'd kill that one too something like that uh damn that's good oh yeah what's the because remember david tell had that bit about uh you ever want to go back and fuck somebody you fucked 20 years ago to show them how much better you are at it look who's yes yes classic hotel classic yeah made it past your thigh uh then maybe ah shit yeah i don't know that's a tough one it is tough let me noodle on it noodle baby i almost want to pull up like

pull out a jules verne book and and leaf through it for some ideas yeah i want to google jules verne uh he wrote the time machine oh really. There's a book called The Time Machine? Oh, yeah. Really? Or is that H.G. Wells? H.G. Wells. It's H.G. Wells. Sorry.

Jules Verne wrote 20,000 Leagues. Under the Sea? I actually don't know. Oh, boy. He's a writer. What did he write? Oh, boy. Okay.

He wrote Journey. Didn't he write Journey to the Center? There it is. Well played. Around the World in 80 Days. Yeah, I don't know. Time travel. Uh-huh.

Ah, shit. Yeah, it's a tough one. Going Back in Time. I think we're looking too hard. I think it's a simple thing. Yeah, I think it's like it's never for for free it always comes with a consequence you're gonna hurt the future yeah in some way that's why you wear a con did you step on a leaf you're like no i fucked her like like it's like uh now you're like oh shit space time continuum maybe you know what you

always learn kind of in these time travel movies that the future is kind of like accepting the present is better than the past. Maybe the angle is you're like, hey, man, turns out that wasn't a good idea. You know what I mean? The future is bleak. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, but I think maybe the problem is there hasn't been a big time travel movie recently. That would help.

What about Inception? Isn't that, is that time travel travel that's like time bending oh shit okay it's like in dreams and stuff can you relate to that when you do sleep with an ex it does it feels like all of a sudden everything feels like you're back it was 10 years ago years ago yeah you go right back to it that's why it's i love the proud it's so relatable yeah you're laying in her bed again the smells her bed the smells the feet like even i swear to god your genitals have a memory man yes yes like oh here we go the inside jokes are the same yeah i'm thinking of a memory foam joke uh with the mattress i keep i once pitched a memory foam joke to you and it's the only time

you fucking let me had it ah well there's a lot of those yeah there was i didn't know i hadn't been going to open mics in a long time and i went yeah it was done to death i learned a valuable lesson yeah is it hot in here or am i gay it feels warm maybe it's the flannel all right the flannel yeah oh i'm sweating all right yeah dude i'm telling you there's something with memory foam confrontation all right what do you got i so this one i might have pitched by you guys i can't crack it there's something here okay i haven't said this on the pod have i about the elon musk joke have i about how like i say what he's got like eight kids and i say what i think unites the ultra rich and the ultra poor is that they will come in

anything that's my premise they will come they'll both come in anything i think it's and the ultra poor is that they will come in anything that's my premise they will come they'll both come in anything i think it's like the ultra rich are like yeah i'm rich it'll work out and poor people are like i mean i'm fucked anyway you know i can't afford one kid i'll just have 12 it's so true that's like the ultra like luxury and also like yeah i'm fucked let's have some fun uh-huh let me nut inside this person i can afford eight, and what's the difference anyway if I have eight kids? Right. That's kind of the angle. Yeah.

I don't really know where to go. There's a mom in a trailer with eight kids running around. She's on welfare. She can't afford any of it. Or a mom with eight trailers. Yeah. And Elon Musk is like, I got eight kids. I'll just go to Mars.

I can't believe he's got eight kids. Yeah. He might have more. I think Nick Cannon has more than that, by the way. Nick Cannon has nine. He's got a lot of kids. yeah that's funny you don't want to be a middle class person with eight kids well yeah they're like i have some things i could lose yeah oh wow that's just a hard eight right there boom what about nick can he's got nine nine wow is wild. That's child abuse if you ask me.

Yeah. I guess he can afford it. Oh, he's got eight. One died. I think he has nine. All right. He's got one died. Yeah, he got rid of one.

Baby number nine. Wait, that's confusing. All right. I like the kid's name is Zen. We don't think about you. The ninth baby's name was oops yeah uh oops cannon yeah that's not bad oops cannon uh um that's the oh never mind all right fucking i'll figure it out it's funny i'm we're fried go with it we're fried we've been drinking all day we're bad at comedy poorest and the richest where they intersect yeah

maybe that yeah that's like the only thing they have in common yes yes um you don't know what it's like you know the poor people are mad at elon musk you don't know what it's like to be uh to be broke like us you rich piece of shit and he's like well we have the same amount of kids you know right right or you do the same thing to commiserate or to celebrate and it's just you're the same sex yeah yeah or like ejaculating and they're both apparently against abortion you know they're both like no that's wrong because elon's all about he's like we got to populate really and then the we just like fucking he's all about we need to populate also he's like we got to get to mars yeah yeah that's true he wants to populate and leave which one is it yeah interesting

what do you got uh mine sucks you guys the years are like you guys both have like a rich idea mine is silly both rich ideas we can't fucking go anywhere. We can't crack them. Yeah. I got a couple of those, but I'll try a quick one. So, you know, I think like most kids when I was younger, I'm talking really young, I wanted to be black. You want to be black.

It's cool. They're cooler or whatever. Yeah. And so I grew up in a predominantly black neighborhood. I went to public school. So if you got called the N word, it was exciting. I grew up in a predominantly black neighborhood. I went to public school.

So if you got called the N-word, it was exciting. So I wonder if there's people transitioning who, like a guy transitioning to a woman, and somebody's like, ah, you cunt. They're like, I made it. You know, because I'm a woman. You're calling me like a bitch. You know, like they get called a bitch. Like, thank you.

He realizes I'm a woman. Yeah, the word cunt is like, it's not appropriate. Except this time it's it is kind of welcoming it's kind of welcome like hey this guy's a dick i guess but at least he sees me as a lady this bitch is on the rag and they're like thank you yeah yeah i feel recognized i feel recognized that's a good good good way to put it yeah because you know i'm obviously not black but if you got called an N-word, you're accepted. Yeah. And you're in. Even though that is a horrible word, much like cunt.

You don't have to be called a cunt. But if you're in that position, it's the best thing you could ever hear. Not the best thing, but it's... It's something for sure. You know, it means, like, this guy definitely thinks I'm a lady. Yeah. Who I feel like inside yeah he's like you bitch you're like that means so much to me yeah yeah there we

go all right that's something there Louie had that old bit buddy he grew up with this guy who was like the meanest kid then he transitioned and he tried to reach out to the lady and she was mean to him and he went he went he goes for it you went from a dick to a cunt. That's Louie's bit. That's solid. Yeah, yeah. But,

all right, I think there's something here. The N word, cunt, maybe. We'll try. I'll try it tonight. Fuck it. Well,

watch Phil's special on YouTube right now. Please, it's called Ooh La La. Yes. Ooh La La, it's killer. Killer.

Great special. The time travel bit is not in there. So, give it a check. Great comic, Phil. Yeah. Can special. The time travel bit is not in there. So give it a check. Great comic, Phil. Yeah. Can I plug San Francisco?

Please. Yeah, you're in SF next week, right? Yeah, come see me in San Francisco from the 5th to the 8th. One of the best clubs. San Diego as well coming up. Yeah, I'm in San Diego. Oh, great. Yeah, the 27th, 28th, 29th.

Two of the best cities. Yes. But SF for me, San Francisco, that'm San Diego. Oh, great. Yeah, the 27th, 28th, 29th. Two of the best cities. Yes. SF for me, San Francisco, that's the first. Molly was the first person for me to feature in America on American ground. Whoa. Yes. What a great room to start in, by the way. And then the first club to headline me.

Amazing. And I normally play there the weekend before the dead play shoreline. Oh, my God. Yeah, so I do the punchline, and then I go to the dead. That's a magical week. I know. San Francisco, I love it. And to me, San Francisco feels like half Vancouver, half New York City.

I can see that. Really? Do you see that? Some people argue with me. No, I can see it. I love it. The weather. SF is beautiful.

The airiness and the water, but it's still got the architecture. Yeah, exactly. You could walk there. Good call. That's a great week. And SF, just a magical place. One of the best places. Get Bodega Cat. Bodegacatspirits.com.

We love you for supporting it. Please watch my Netflix special. Same time tomorrow. Let's blow that up. I'll be in Omaha, Phoenix, Lexington, New Brunswick, OKC, Springfield, Fort Wayne, Indiana. Happy Thanksgiving to me. Some of the worst cities.

Kansas City, Tacoma, Spokane. Kill Me Now tour. Oshawa. Auschwitz. You're going on a televangelist run. I'll be in a tent in Fort Wayne. The Lord has risen. I'm in San Jose, Orlando, Richmond, Iowa City, Lincoln, Minneapolis, Portland, Oregon, Seattle, Washington, Vancouver, New Orleans.

Vogue Theater? You're doing the fucking Vogue Theater? You know it? Of course I know it. All right. That's the hometown boy. Yeah, Phil modeled there. He was at a G-String.

I'll be in G's. The Wilbur? You're doing the Wilbur? We're doing the Wilbur. We're doing Zadie's. We're doing the Fillmore. We're doing something in New Haven, Toronto, the Blue Note in Hawaii. That'll be interesting.

Whoa. I'm taking some wacky gigs, folks. Yeah. Do it up, man. Yeah, Wilbur's really wacky. Do it for the story, bro. What are you thinking? Well, Blue Note, that's a jazz club.

That's just, I want to go to Honolulu. Yeah, that's what the fans want to hear. Well, they know Honolulu's good. You guys are the best. We love you. Thanks for listening. Get our whiskey. Subscribe to the Patreon.

We might be drunk pod at gmail.com. Email us. Send us packages at 251 West 39th Street. Nice. We might be drunk. Phil, the special's awesome. Thanks for having me. We love you.

You're one of our best buds. I love you guys. Thank you for having me. Drink Bodega Cat. I'm not making any money off it, but God damn, it's good. I was shocked. Appreciate it, sir. Yeah.

And yeah, check out Phil's special. And apparently, you got an album out there. Ooh la la. Yeah, please don't chit chat while I'm pursuing my dream. That's old. That's old. But check out Ooh La La. Please.

Follow on YouTube. Instagram, Phil M. Hanley. Great clips, great bits. Follow Phil. Phil M. Hanley on Instagram. Follow him on all this stuff. YouTube, TikTok, all that stuff. We love you guys.

Thanks for listening. Comedy. Sunday's the day for my next offender. A bit of Pivorec, you know the future's close. I've had a little too much bourbon. And Norman's talking shit about the fucking Pope. And I get down in the same way

Up on the roof like a cop's coming and naked Samuel is feeling dangerous I'm out to lunch here in New Orleans, this woman doesn't look like I remember her and I get down in the

same way We might be true