We Might Be Drunk - Ep 98: Steve-O

Episode Date: October 24, 2022

Pick up Bodega Cat https://bourbonoutfitter.com/products/bodega-cat-straight-rye https://www.wemightbedrunkpod.com/shop Visit www.betterhelp.com/Drunk for 10% off your first month. Support the show, quit smoking naturally with Füm, AND save 10% by using code DRUNK at https://www.breathefum.com/DRUNK Visit www.liquidiv.com and code Drunk Steve-O in the studio. The conversation on addiction, drugs, sex, food and things get heavy but with a lot of laughs. Find Steve-O near you https://www.steveo.com/ Find Mark Normand on the road: http://marknormandcomedy.com/ Find Sam Morril on the road: https://www.sammorril.com/shows Join us on Patreon: Patreon.com/WeMightBeDrunkPod

Hey everybody here we are we might be drunk good to have you Sam's hung over Steve-O's sober and we lost the Peruvian dog you found that dog in Peru I did and I was videoing as I found her like I approached her with the camera rolling and I just kept filming the whole time I was in Peru this is where I found her. Like I approached her with the camera rolling and I just kept filming the whole time I was in Peru. This is where I found her, in the streets of Peru. And I put together this video about how we fell in love and how I brought her home with me to America. And that fucking video got more views

than anything I've ever put on the internet. That's the internet. It's a slippery bitch. She can't predict it. Yeah, well. You never know. I'll tell put on the internet. That's the internet. It's a slippery bitch. You can't predict it. Yeah, well. You never know. I'll tell you, it was... That dog's a slippery bitch. She ran away from us.

It was a real kick in the nuts to learn that after a lifetime of attention whoring, I just couldn't come up with a goddamn thing better than rescuing a dog. You put a Hot Wheel car up your ass. A couple views, but this, you can't beat it. Those are the things you think of that pop, though, on TikTok or YouTube.

It's like self-harm for animals, right? Yeah. I mean, anything with animal cats, my girl's into cat stuff, and that all just blows up. Yeah, my girl actually just scrolls and scrolls and scrolls. Nothing but animals. Wow. Yeah. There you go.

Because you know what? There's so much hatred and vitriol just being spewed on Twitter and all this shit. And then you see a little cat and you're like, oh, the world's not awful. Yeah. Kind of nice for bestiality people because they're like, oh, I love animals. You know, you have an out that's kind of convenient i never thought about that oh man dude i'm a fan i'm a fucking fan bestiality hey you think that does well just to rescue in a dog yeah fucking a dog that's going

through the roof yeah yeah yeah i mean you guys uh gave me this annoying homework you know i have to come up with all this different stuff i was thinking about how do we let's do a bit about fucking a dog i tried to write a bit years ago about how we make fun of bestiality people but we we talk about women as if they're animals she's a fox she's a hot chick that's a cougar or if she's ugly that's a dog she's a pig we always go a hot chick. That's a cougar. Or if she's ugly, that's a dog. She's a pig. We always go back to animal. Right.

Okay. Russ Menevius had a great bit where he said, doggy style, that's too kinky for me. I like human style. That's when I put my dog on his back. That's great. That's a great joke. Great little mystery. Great.

Russell Peters. Russ Menev. Oh, okay. I was going to say, Russell Peters. That doesn't involve an ethnic person or an accent. Oh, okay. I was going to say. Russell Peters. That doesn't involve an ethnic person or an accent. Yeah, man. So you're in New York just hanging? Promoting my book.

That's right. The book. Yeah. I have a book. It's my second book. It's called A Hard Kick in the Nuts. New York Times bestseller. I sure hope so. I would be mortified if it's not, but we don't receive official word about that for another presumably a week.

Did you ever think you would write one book, much less two? I did. I did. I'm such a rabid attention whore and always have been that I kind of just viewed my life as something that I was doing so that it would be a really crazy book. Hell yeah. Wow. You got everything. What I've learned from a lifetime of terrible decisions.

Yeah. I love that. It's a book of wisdom. Get on it, folks. Unfortunately, memoir part two I learned is not a thing. Right. So you got to have some kind of an angle on it. So I went with a book of wisdom gleaned from a lifetime of terrible decisions. Yeah.

Is that part of your sobriety? Is what part of my sobriety? The bad decisions? I have managed to make awful decisions in sobriety yeah that's impressive yeah for sure i i love it i love a good bad decision i know but the sobriety part sucks you can't blame it on drugs or booze you know that's it you know like the the book has its uh it's fun it's funny and it's serious as well and and that plays into the serious part that it's a motherfucker when you're a piece of shit and you don't have drugs and alcohol to

blame yeah that's hard did you do the whole rehab thing or did you oh yeah oh you did I did I did it started the sobriety started with an intervention which was organized and led by Johnny Knoxville. It's the funniest intervention of all time. That was one of my first jokes in stand-up was, you know you've got a problem when your interventionist is Johnny Knoxville. Right, right. You walk in, a bucket of water falls on your head.

You're like, come on, man. We need to talk. Yeah, that's great. Tired fellow, you. Wow. So what was the drug of choice? I was what we referred to as a garbage can. So that's everything?

Fairly non-discriminate. I never did heroin, and I never smoked crack. But other than that, I was indiscriminate. Never really got into meth. But at the same time, I never turned it down. Gotcha. That's pretty good. I feel like there's a lot of crackhead comedians and actors.

And then heroin. You never did that. I think you're doing all right. Right. That was what I learned from my first time in rehab in 1995. Oh, multiple times. Yeah, 1995. I was only 20 years old.

I was on a string of bad luck. I ended up in rehab totally by mistake. And what I learned in there was, wow, crack is bad. And so is heroin. Yeah, David Cross talked about doing crack in his book. And he said, like, he did it once or twice, never did it again, but he gets why it's so popular. He's like, you feel great. I mean, I understand.

It's absolutely delicious. Yeah. Crack is great. Crack is, like, kind of. No, that's tough. I mean, you see people on the street, and you're like, well, you're not doing great advertising for crack. Right. You know, or meth or whatever. I mean, I don't like drugs where you're just always on the street and you're like, well, you're not doing great advertising for crack. Right. You know, or meth or whatever.

I mean, I don't like drugs where you're just always on the drug. I like that moment with Hangover Sure. Like, I am a piece of shit. I hate myself. Let me text a friend. The dude who's on meth is not waking up the next day like, did I almost rob and rape someone last night? Right. You don't have that moment of clarity.

Yeah, you just keep going. Yeah. That's got to be tough. Yeah, I remember that first rehab. It was always everybody was in a circle sharing their feelings. Yep. And on just about every day, there was somebody who left and somebody who arrived. who left and somebody who arrived and the the arrival entailed walking up to the circle and introducing yourself and stating what your drug of choice was okay and i really quickly got the

impression that whenever anybody said their drug of choice was crack everybody's priority was making sure that that fucking person was not their roommate. Whoa. Wow. Like, I don't just, I don't, like, they would avert eye contact. It's like, I don't want, like, I don't know. Why is that? Because just coming off it was a nightmare? That and just, like. It's a bad personality type?

Just a bad person that I don't want to have to deal with. You hear that, Tom Sizemore? The piece of shit? He was about to have to deal with. You hear that, Tom Sizemore? The piece of shit? He was like a crackhead. Right. And I also got the sense that when people's drug of choice was heroin, they didn't walk up to the circle. They were more like kind of carried into the,

that we would meet them in a couple days. Right, right. They were a zombie. Wow, that's crazy. So it's like the movies with the circle and the did you share your feelings even as a 20 year old yeah I remember then I would always introduce myself as I'm Steve oh and I'm an alcoholic I knew you though yeah oh that's even weirder oh no no they didn't know me in 1995 okay but I but I was introduced myself as Steve-O.

Got it. Got it. Yeah. Now I'm a little bit more, I try not to be Steve-O in those circles and the recovery community out of respect, I feel like. Sure. You're not supposed to use a stage name. Yeah.

I'm the amazing jonathan exactly that's uh that's fascinating that you went at such a young age it didn't stick it didn't stick back then if you can believe it and uh it was um when i was 33 that i got sober okay that's pretty good. Really fucking good, man. Yeah. Congrats. That's the thing. That's the thing with addiction is that it's a motherfucker if you just kind of have it.

If you're an alcoholic, but it's not so bad. Yeah. You know, it can continue. continue yeah it just kind of turns into quicksand it just slows you down it fucks up your relationships it precludes you from like really realizing your potential right but it's not so bad that it needs to be addressed exactly continues and continues and the years turn into decades and then the next thing you know you're an old dude and you're just fucking sitting there and like fuck i blew it so true yeah when it eats away at just a little it's almost worse than if you have a rock bottom moment oh my

god i'm so fortunate that i had it so goddamn bad i was just like it was so not okay, the way I was carrying on, that it had to be addressed. Wow. And so, you know, it's the only disease where you become a better version of yourself. Any other disease, the best you can hope for is to be restored to the health you enjoyed before you got sick. Right. But when we treat alcoholism and addiction, we actually become a better version of ourselves than we ever were before. It's unique in that way. Because you think the gratitude as well?

I think the gratitude. I think that, you know, it's like a spiritual solution. You know, we kind of get plugged in. We make sure we're doing the right thing when nobody's watching. That's like the big deal. What about sex addict? That's a tough one. It's a tough one.

Yeah. It's a tough one, but I would maintain the same thing. If anything, I think the sex addict is almost a heightened example of that because uh because when you bounce back from the kind of shame and and guilt you know like that they can be associated with sex addiction then you're coming out of that with like a level of humility and you know right and uh like precision care for doing the right thing when i was watching i think most guys think they're a sex addict but then they come and they're like i'm not you know like i've had that thought like maybe i'm addicted to sex then it's like no of course i mean you were actually but it did it go hand in hand with

the other addictions i would say like my life played out like, sort of an addiction whack-a-mole, you know, a game of whack-a-mole. Like, you know, address one thing and the other thing just rears its head. Right, right. You know, like, I had to address the sex stuff when I was well into sobriety. Yeah. And that was crucial man i mean if you look if you think about it like um as far as like falls from grace you know like just absolute like devastation of people's

uh careers their reputations livelihood very little competes with sex as far as just taking down huge oh for sure huge people for sure army for sure. For sure. Armie Hammer. Yeah. He's gone. That's a bummer. What about food addict is tough, too, because you have to eat. You don't have to do heroin. You have to eat to stay alive, so that's a bummer.

That's where I'm at now. You got food? I'm in and out of the food thing. Dude, I've never appeared to be somebody who's uh like got a problem with with food but man uh sugar's a motherfucker it really is i remember when the uh the joaquin phoenix joker movie came out this is i'm thinking like uh he's in it ah dude epic i'm thinking it was like 2019 when it came out. I sat in that fucking theater with an entire

tub of caramel popcorn and a jumbo pack of fucking red vines and I sat there and like took a huge bite of red vines and then as I chewed it, like filled my mouth with caramel popcorn

to chew it all in concert together. It's like a speedball. You're mixing drugs. And then as I chewed it like filled my mouth with caramel pop Chew it all in concert. It's a people Yeah, and I found it to be the most fucking delicious shit I've ever eaten and I did not stop until I'd eaten the entire tub of water And the whole jumbo pack of red vines and I was like I have a problem You know it's crazy to be watching that guy on screen and be like, I'm sick. I've got problems. Phoebe Herman's next to you going, this guy's got to get his act together.

That guy got a bum rap. Yeah, he did. Our boy Ronon has a great joke about it. We owe him a big apology because he was doing exactly what you're supposed to be doing in that movie theater. Right, right.

100%. I mean, the sugar addiction, you feel the sugar high sometimes. Sometimes I'm trying to behave on the road in that movie theater right right a hundred percent yeah that's but that i get i mean the sugar addiction like you feel the sugar high sometimes sometimes i'm trying to behave on the road like mark and i are well-behaved drinkers so that's it is a problem well i mean to be fair let's not characterize you guys as having alcoholism a little bit right i mean it's sort of either i have alcoholism or you don't It seems evident to me that you guys are not having problems, you know. It's affecting stuff. Yeah, yeah.

All right. Beat my ex. No. It's all, you know, degrees and levels. Sure. I think it's evident to me that you guys are functioning at a very high level and that nothing i was saying about quicksand applies to you guys oh geez i definitely heard that i was like that might be yeah i had a late night and i'm definitely one of those people that

like my friend texted me he's like that was so fun last night and i was like i was fucking wasted and he was like you were like he couldn't and i'm like oh that's not good that's not good better than you were there i wasn't like i was i was i just not like i blacked out but i was like oh i was drunk right whoa shit where were you i didn't see you uh i didn't see i canceled spots oh well there you go i need a night off yeah i get it we work i've been i've been burning the road hard we go hard on the road yeah i was hearing i was hearing that like five different spots a night yeah at a certain point it's not even helping though at a certain point you're like what are we doing yeah definitely not i mean i believe strongly in doing some 10 10 minute spots when i'm putting a show together yeah you know like right now i'm I'm in the swing of a tour. The last fucking thing I wanted was to do, you know, small sets at a low, you know, like

I'm not hurting for stage time at all. I'm fucking touring my dick off. Yeah. And soon enough I will be, you know, putting together the chunks of the next hour. Nice. Man, you're burning the midnight oil. You got a hot sauce, a book, a podcast, and you're on the road, and you have a dog. Yep.

The butthole destroyer hot sauce. Yeah, that's my new and hotter version of Steve-O's hot sauce for your butthole. I just put a drip of it on my wrap, and it kicks. Smells really good. Check out the top three ingredients. Ooh, here we go. Fentanyl. Fentanyl.

Fentanyl. Wow. And chili peppers. Wow. Oh, damn. Good band. Scorpion. Yeah, the top three ingredients are the three hottest peppers in the world.

What? Carolina Reaper. That's a MAGA. It's a NAGA Jaloka. Cut up MAGA heads. Which I think is the technical term for ghost pepper. Oh, really? Wow.

Carolina Reaper Chili Reaper. Carolina Reaper is the hottest. So this will fuck you up. It's designed to fuck you up. Yeah, it was hot. I put a dab in it. Dude, there's this guy named johnny scoville on the internet oh i know scoville he chugs uh an entire goddamn bottle of that chugs the whole thing

and he's just sitting there chilling unreal and spicy it's it's really spicy it's really it's good it's really good well thank you a dash on your eggs might be nice very good yeah i mean it's like whenever i'm out of the original steve Stevo's hot sauce for your butthole, that's the only time I use this shit. And when I use this shit, I'm so careful to pour tiny drops. Oh, yeah. What about the, have you done hot ones? I have.

I've done it a couple times. That guy can take some heat. He can. He can. Okay. Okay. He can. you think you're tougher i don't think i'm tougher um i do think that they are a little bit um they could go hotter on that show oh really i do believe that's the case i don't know maybe. Maybe I'm wrong. I love that fucking guy, Sean Evans.

Yeah, great interviewer. I love that fucking guy. I love that show. To this day, my most viewed interview I've ever done, I believe, is my first Hot Ones. Oh, nice. It's amazing how everyone tries to come up with these crazy ideas, and then you're like, we eat hot wings. That's the show.

Yeah. That's it. It's amazing, too, how the format endures. You would think that it would be like kind of get played out, you know, like they just do the same fucking thing. Well, we like seeing people in weird positions. Like it's fun seeing Paul Rudd like, oh, God, I'm dying here, you know, because you never get to see they're always cool as a cucumber. It's vulnerable. It's a vulnerable thing.

Right. I remember my first time on there, I was like so determined. I knew it had a huge audience. I knew that Kevin Hart had done it before me. I knew that like, I was like, man, I'm going to be talking to a lot of people when I do this interview. And like, I was just belligerently refusing to let the heat of the wings preclude me from communicating effectively. Hell yeah. I fought through it and just bah.

Yeah. And then after I was done, I went and took a piss in some bushes and my dick was on fucking fire. Yeah, because you touched the wings, right? Oh yeah. You gotta dip it in oat milk or something, right? My dick was burning like a motherfucker

because I took a piss in some bushes after. You're like, the chlamydia's back. Wow. What is, I'm fascinated by the sex addiction. What is like rock bottom with a sex addiction look like? Oh man. Do you fuck a cantaloupe and you're like, I can't keep doing that.

What do you, what is it? That's the case, I'm going to rehab tomorrow. I've fucked every object in my home as a child. You guys didn't do that? The couch? Yeah, I did it. All right. I mean, it- Sister, you do it.

You'd be like, grandma would come over, you're like, don't sit there, don't sit there. Yeah, exactly. I mean, it depends, man. In general, I would say the definition of addiction is when you continue a behavior despite there being serious consequences for the behavior. And with sex addiction, I think more often than not, the consequences are just generally shame. You are ashamed of yourself and you just hate hate the way it feels you keep doing it anyway you know my particular pattern uh you know was was involved like really pouring on the charm to get like a a woman really into me and then like sort of you know

acting out sexually and then losing interest in ghosting, you know, it's just like, there's this terrible, uh, just kind of sociopathic pattern of just like routinely harming people. Right. That,

that, that it just made me feel like the fucking worst piece of shit ever. Especially when they're like, Hey, what are you doing? You're like, Oh, I'm done with. Especially when they're like, hey, what are you doing? You're like, oh, I'm done with you already. Right. Yeah.

For sure. And, you know, and like the constant anxiety of like the health risks associated. Sure. That's fucked up too. You weren't wearing a condom either? I was really pretty damn good about it. About, you know, acting out sexually in a responsible way. Were you more scared of STDs or knocking someone up?

I was way more scared of STDs than knocking someone up. You can get rid of a baby. You can't get rid of herpes. Some of those states it's a little harder. That's true. That's a tougher phone call in Missouri than, you know. But there were exceptions, man. you know yeah but there were exceptions man you know there there was you know there's one particularly horrifying story that i recount in in my new book which i'm super reluctant to share

right now because my fiance is sitting oh hello but um but you know and i had told this the same story on mark maron's What the Fuck podcast years ago. Okay. And all of a sudden, I just had this fucking panic attack and reached out to the producers of Marc Maron's podcast saying, Please, please fucking cut out that story I told about so-and-so. Right. And then I went and put it in the book. And what it was...

Smart. and so right and then i went and put it in the book and what what it was smart was uh i mean really and it's it's basically the answer to the rock bottom question you know it it was it was one of those exceptions to the rule where i was having unprotected sex and um it was a a situation where I had this woman I met on tour. We arranged her to fly in. Oh, boy. She was staying with me for, I don't know, like four or five days. Wow. And we were, as the exception to the rule, just going ahead and having unprotected sex.

Yep. and having unprotected sex yep and about halfway through the visit she said she just casually tells me that her uh her last relationship was with the guy whose last relationship was with a guy and i'm like oh shit okay so now i just landed in the fucking highest possible risk category for HIV. Oh, wow. You know, like, her last partner was a dude who has sex with dudes, which is, like, by far and away the highest risk category. I'm freaking the fuck out. Uh-huh, yeah. And, I mean, i'm just not okay i remember like as

soon as she said this i was like oh i gotta go walk the dogs you know i'm fucking walking the dog i'm freaking out i'm googling the scariest the scariest statistics you know and when i get back to the apartment i'm like well like you know i already did it you know like yeah might as well live with it well no i already did it i'm you know there's no like might as well do it again and that was that was the moment where i'm like what the fuck oh wow what you know like like what the fuck am i doing yeah and i was just like that that was literally it's literally like you got poison. You're like, I'm going to finish the dish. And I mean, that's, that's how fucked up it was. And that was specifically, I remember like I, I, I drove that girl to the airport so

that she could fly home. And I went like racing to the doctor's office, like, Oh my God, like fucking, I need to be. like oh my god like fucking i need to be and um and and i in equal swiftness reached out to somebody i knew who was in the sex program and was like dude like enough is enough man i i need fucking help and that was uh that was where the journey began so how is it living with aids fortunately i've uh i've been tested uh many many times in the years since that happened and seem to have gotten away with it. Hell yeah. Yeah. A heist.

So it was not an expensive lesson. A valuable lesson. There you go. Not a costly one. There you go. Yeah. Yeah, that's. And there we have it. My girl is sitting over there now, like the scary part of the book that she's afraid to read.

She doesn't have to read it. She's heard it now. Hey, there you go. Oh, I did? You were drunk. I've told that story before. How about that? I did not know that.

I honestly thought that you were hearing that for the first time. There you go. Okay. How about that? i got points for being considerate yeah yeah that's uh that's a addiction is tough man i mean you tell that story and i'm like oh man that's uh like i i feel the shame like i understand how you the fear and i mean it's gonna be crazy you walking into like a clinic though and they're like is that fucking steve-o do you have that moment where they're like, that's fucking the dude from Jackass? Yeah. I mean, I remember, I remember the, like really weirdly, like the, the one doctor that, there were a couple of times I went running to this doctor like, dude, ah dude ah you know and the doctor is a gastroenterologist who is the the one

doctor that i have like a like a an ongoing and regular relationship with because i have a an esophageal condition called barrett's esophagus okay which is legitimately scary it um it's often uh like develops into like esophageal cancer and so like it's kind of a precursor to esophageal cancer and as such needs to be like really closely monitored so i get what's called endoscopies where they put a camera down and check it out it's since become a stable condition it's not like they're like oh you're good you know like no more endoscopy it's not hammer down and check it out. It's since become a stable condition. It's not like they're like, oh, you're good. Like no more endoscopy. It's not yearly endoscopy anymore.

Now it's like we'll check you in three years. So that's good news. But yeah, when like my freak out over STD scares sent me running to the gastroenterologist. And it's not the kind of like office where it's like oh I saw Steve-o at that place Is that I'm assuming that's esophagus and is that smoking caused or You know what I don't fucking know I'm not I think I do know that acid reflux is a big contributor to it. Yes, exactly. My friend has it. He has cobblestone throat, Joe. And he can't have spicy food.

He can't have caffeine. He can't have mint. Oh, God. There's all these things. I just sent him like four cases of this hot sauce. That could fuck him up. But yeah, years of eating shit. Yeah.

Damn. Catches up. I'm fascinated because it's like you've lived kind of on the edge for so long in so many ways. Not just like this stuff, this outside stuff, but your career is kind of on the edge. Do you think they're linked? Do you think like you took such risks in life as a professional? Do you think that the sex addiction and the other addiction like it comes hand in hand? I don't know. I don't know about that.

Like, I wouldn't say, oh, because I'm, like, I'm, you know, a risk taker in my professional life. It spills over into my personal life. If anything, I would say it was the other way around. You know, I'm just a fucking, you know, loose screw fucking nut job, and I found a way to make a living at it. Hell yeah. You gotta love showbiz.

But here's what I gotta ask. We like to drink. We like to party. You're sober. Flying straight. Beat the sex addiction. Beat the booze. Beat the drugs. You guys clearly aren't having sex. Is it boring? Are you gonna make it i mean it's

it's hard to hang on i am uh absolutely fucking psycho about um about work i think is what you know like i just channel it all into uh trying to it. I'm sure you guys are no different. Yeah, we work a lot, but we also play. How many podcasts do you have? You told me you've got like. I've got two or three. Yeah. So I think we work a lot. We get stressed out.

We want to kill ourselves. But we also can take the edge off with a nice high ball. Right. I basically just never stop working. That's the key, I guess. But how do you relax when you do take your foot off the gas um with my girl i would say i mean i get my girls over there shaking her head like he never takes his foot off the gas you don't ever just have like a movie night or um i mean i suppose that sometimes we'll we can watch something on TV or something. But I find that I'm busy enough that it's – I mean, I don't know.

And I like being busy. I do too. But sometimes it hits you. Yeah. In my book, like the last chapter is sort of the culmination of it all. And it starts with the question, in quotes, are you happy? And I acknowledge that for all the fucking countless times that I've been asked that question, am I happy for countless years? It's just given me anxiety.

It's just it's it's it's just given me anxiety it's just fucking it's it's been it's annoyed me it's been it's just made me uncomfortable because like like my my gut reaction when i hear that question like i can scan my body like no i'm not fucking happy i can i can tell and and like it's it's not uh like in our society it's just not okay to answer that because no, I'm not happy. Because it's like one thing like, yeah, what's up, man? How's it going? That's totally different from are you happy? Of course.

It's a loaded question. It's such a more invasive question. It's a great question to ask though in the elevator. Yeah. Are you happy? Right. It's such an invasive question. Are you happy?

It's such an invasive question. And, you know, I kind of like really get into it. Because it bothered me for a long time. And so I kind of asked myself, why does it bother me so much and what i arrived at is that i i truly believe that to be happy is essentially the equivalent of to be content and if you're content then by definition you don't need anything so you become fucking lazy and that's what makes losers. So what I arrive at is that, no, I'm not fucking happy. I'm a constant ball of stress and anxiety. My default mentality is that everything's not okay, that I'm not going to be okay, and that I better fucking hurry up and hustle and work to make it so that everything might be okay.

And that is just my my perpetual state and i would you know if i if i could actually have a choice i would not choose to be fucking happy i choose the hustle you know i think you can have both i i get what you're saying but i think on the other end of it to be depressed is to be crippled. Like, depression can be crippling. Right, right. I'm not talking about depression. So you want something in the middle. I'm not talking about depression.

I'm talking about, like, sort of anxiety. You know? Like, the feeling that. It's a motive for you. It's a fire under my nose. You know? Like, I just feel like I'm not okay. Like, I gotta fucking make shit happen.

And I do not know how to turn that off. Yeah. I'm similar. I wish that I could be like, okay, I've worked and now I'm going to flip the switch. Yes. And now I'm just going to chill. Same. Last night was the first night I took off in forever and I felt guilt.

Yes. And I will say, there is a part of me that like, obviously this is an insane thing to say, but like, sometimes i look at ignorant you know people who are ignorant ignorance is bliss so i see someone on the street smiling i'm like look at this fucking dickhead yeah he's more on smiling what are you happy about you know i'm like wow what a dumb observation but you know i see what you're saying I'm not too far off of that, you know, when I submit that intelligence is a liability. Sure. You know, like, dumb people are way happier, I think.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Because think about it. There's got to be some dumb, miserable people, though. Yeah, for sure. Definitely. Yeah. Our producer. miserable people though yeah uh for sure definitely yeah but but uh but you would imagine that uh intelligence affords wisdom knowledge right but but but what is there to know the history is a bunch of bad fucking news that's definitely going to repeat itself the more you learn the more

fucking much of a bummer it is yeah but i think we look at not to get schmaltzy but we look at happiness like it's this big state like like being in new york i live in new york but happiness comes and goes it's not just this all the time you know feeling it's not something you're just sitting in it's like today i'm happy or this hour i'm happy the next hour i'm not mean, we act like you have to be happy all the time. Right, right, right. And then we think by, hey, I'll go to Tijuana or I'll go to Bali and I'll be happy. But you're still there with your fucked up thoughts.

Right. You've got to make it happen. You've got to make yourself happy. You've got to practice gratitude. I think that's a big thing. It's not just about happy. Oh, I'm not happy. It's about what are you doing to become happy and what do you have in your life that you should be happy about that you're not?

Right. We just say happy like it's a general thing. Don't worry about getting the things you want. Worry about wanting the things you have. Yes, exactly. I like this way this is going, man. Yeah, this is heavy. No, I relate to that.

And Mark and I talk about this a lot. But like sometimes you're in a funk and you're like force yourself to go to the gym Like I'm not saying that is the answer but it's there's stuff you can do to help, you know, right? I was feeling this morning. I was like I'm working out, you know, I feel a little better Yeah, sometimes thing you want to do the least is actually the thing you should be doing. Yeah. Yeah, it's easy to pick up that cupcake So like as my annoying homework, I've got this bit, and I do talk about it in my book about how I used to try it and it would bomb. It's an unpopular topic.

All right. The bit was, and I would just come out and say this, I have a theory, I might even say I have an unpopular theory. I think God hates us. Okay. It's like, ooh, you know, like that was abrasive, that kind of like, and then, so now follow me. Okay.

I like it. Follow me. We, human beings, are the only fucking organism that got fucked by the awareness the hypothetical awareness no less that that that we're gonna die and what's fucked up about that we have but one instinct which is to survive and one guarantee which is we won't yeah you got that right so come on this is a fucking a fucked up cruel prank on us the one fucking thing that we care about not happening is the only thing that we know will happen. Inevitable. And as we barrel down this fucking dark and scary fucking path towards our inevitable demise, we wilt.

We fucking wilt. Our bodies deteriorate. They fail us. They wrinkle. They bruise. They wilt. This bit is going to struggle on Fallon. I think they're going to see you and they're like, holy shit, this is kind of cerebral here.

This is deep. Right. I think that is actually the popularity of Jackass is that you guys are death defined. You're doing these crazy stunts. And I think. Right. And living. And living.

So it's almost like you're saying like, it's kind of hard to die actually uh perhaps i mean definitely like this uh this whole existential fucking crisis of the you know the human condition yep and like oh my god this sucks like uh we're gonna die you know like um there are two things about that that uh like fuck man it sucks we gotta die and so people people address mortality in uh three major ways that i identify number one is they turn to religion because the promise is that they're gonna go to heaven and everything's gonna be great so it's totally okay that they're gonna die yeah must be nice yeah to think that yeah and dumb people did to be great. So it's totally okay that they're going to die. Yeah, must be nice to think that. Yeah, and dumb people.

Did we not tell you this is a Scientology podcast? We'll get you. Right. We'll get you. The second way people, you know, wrap their head around mortality is to reproduce. They feel like, oh, you know, I might not be here, but the family jewels have done their job. My lifeline, the family name. I'm leaving my legacy and my children.

And I'm not into that either. I got a vasectomy and filmed it for a stunt. And with my girl, we just don't want to have kids. Then the third category is people like the caveman, scrawling the stick figures on the cave wall. It's like this fucking, I'm going to be gone, but that fucking, you know, like we leave shit behind. Yeah, which is what we're doing with our act. Exactly.

Our specials, our books. Exactly. Exactly. And I was very much, you know, at the point when I really committed myself to this pursuit of fame and being a crazy stuntman, it was 1993. I had failed fucking miserably at the University of Miami because I couldn't bring myself to go to class. I couldn't help but get kicked out of the dorms. I upped and physically dropped out. That's also a school where it's probably very

tempting to party yeah they're asking for it yeah and and i didn't do well and and and i also knew uh beyond a shadow of a doubt that i could not keep a job like every job that i ever had every job i ever had i failed at so bad. I got fired on every denomination of days from one through seven. I have a job where I got fired on that day. I couldn't get through school, and I couldn't keep jobs. So I was just confronted with this realization that the likelihood was I was going to fail at life and die miserably young having failed. And that made me mad. It made me mad.

And I was like, the one thing I love is video cameras. The one thing I want to do is fucking be an attention whore with my video camera. I'm going to film stupid stunts and become a crazy famous stuntman. And I didn't think I was going to have any success. I didn't think it was going to work out. I thought that what I was doing was just trying to film the craziest fucking shit ever and effectively, you know,

fill my message into the bottle so that I could be discovered after I died having failed and maybe be like the Van Gogh of the home video camera. Yeah, sure. And the idea that I was going to fucking die having failed in life kind of pissed me off. And I think that that did inform my choice to be doing this like death defying.

You know, I was mad at fucking death. I'm like, well, I'm going to fucking jump off this rooftop and you're going to think maybe I'm going to die because I'm fucking mad. Fuck you, death. Whoa, you cheated it. Yeah. Yeah, cheating death, taunting death, lashing out at death. Like, that was very, very... I really think this is the popularity of jackass.

I think you're right. I think people see that and they're like... The way, like, people... Like, we'll post, like, a heckler video sometimes and people fucking love it because I think it's like, well, I can't tell off my boss. So there's, like, some weird justice in this moment. I think for you guys, it's like well i can't tell off my boss so there's like some weird justice in this moment i think for you guys it's the death definer like well i'm too scared to do that right

but i get to live vicariously through you doing that and i get a thrill watching that yes same with charlie sheen who does you know blow and fucks porn stars your office job going wow look at this guy he's living life and he came out the other end, and it's fun to watch. I mean, he got AIDS. HIV. HIV, sorry. Yeah. But I think he was fucking your ex. We'll get you one day, Sheen.

Yeah, we love you, Sheen. But I'm just saying it's fun to watch people go through that. He's a bucket list guest on the pod. Oh, dear. We want Charlie Sheen. But let me throw this at you. Do you want a fucked up Charlie Sheen story, Dan? Oh, boy.

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Yee-haw! I, uh, was, I like to think famously on the Charlie Sheen roast, the Comedy Central roast of Charlie Sheen. Yeah. And he had this little party before the taping of the roast to get everybody over to his house. Everybody meet each other and kind of hang out to sort of maybe establish

a rapport before we tape the show very cool of him we're at his house and he kind of he pulls me aside and he's like steve-o man and mind you this was like right at the kind of uh the the end of the tiger blood trail yeah you know and he pulls me aside he says man steve oh dude fucking you and me when we go down we're not fucking around when we you know like when we go down we go down in flames like fucking big time like serious like we're you know and uh and i felt like that that that was a particularly bonding moment oh of course we uh we we taped the the the, you know, like it was great. And then when the roast aired, we were invited back over to Charlie Sheen's house for the viewing party. I think it was by design that they premiered that Charlie Sheen roast immediately.

I think different networks, but immediately following the very first episode of Two and a Half Men to feature Charlie Sheen and not. To feature Ashton Kutcher and not Charlie Sheen. Whoa. And of course, his relationship with the Two and a Half Men production was frayed. Of course. And he was absolutely oblivious to how they were going to handle the killing of his character and the introduction. And I was in, I mean, this was the half an hour before. I was there.

Yeah, yeah. And I was in his living room. So you watched the episode with him? I watched the episode with him. In his living room with him. And I saw his reaction to realizing. And what they did with his character, it was like his character had died.

And like here was an urn with all the ashes. And then somebody like jumbles the urn and it flies up in the air. And there's a cloud of the ashes coming out of the urn. And as the cloud dissipates, Ashton Kutcher, you know, like, yeah, like the cloud dissipates. And then to reveal Ashton Kutcher behind the ashes. Whoa. And he was like.

Very subtle. And Charlie says, I got to give it to him. That was good. And a little later in the night, a little later in the night. He sounds like a fun hang. Dude, totally, totally. A little later in the night, I'm talking to Jeffrey Ross, and it just strikes me.

I say to him, I go, dude, I think we might actually be in the world's most expensive crack house. What's this place like? The most expensive crack house on earth. And I went running over to Charlie and took a photo with him. I was like, oh, here's a selfie. And I'm like, take this selfie. I still had my black eye from running into Mike Tyson's fist. And Charlie just looked like shit in that photo.

We both looked like shit in that photo, but I was just so excited. I said, Charlie, can I tweet this photo? Yeah. With like the text that says, I think I'm in the most expensive crack house on earth. And he goes, hilarious. Go for it.

Totally, man. I love it. You know, and uh and and and it was that that was not a hit with his management and and then the next morning i was performing uh i like that weekend i was at the like uh ontario improv or the brea improv one of those like you know like one of those comedy clubs and And I was at the news to promote it. And some news person, like, pulls me aside. Like, oh, I've got this side thing here.

I'm going to film you on my cell phone. And they asked, like, is Charlie sober? Uh-oh. And I was like, I don't think so. And then later that day, I got a call from his manager saying, what the fuck? You're fucking saying Charlie's not sober? Oh, boy. Like, the fuck?

We had your back. We were down with you. He fucking unleashed like a tirade. Oh, wow. I've heard that tiger blood has caffeine. tirade oh wow i've heard the tiger blood has caffeine i mean so in any case like uh i too can can effectively i think just have charlie sheen as a bucket list guest for the rest of my life yeah because i got the sense that uh i don't know i mean maybe i'm cool with him like maybe i'm like he doesn't i didn't i didn't mean no maybe I'm cool with him. Like, maybe I'm like, I didn't mean to do any harm.

That's manager bullshit. Yeah, I like to think so. He okayed the picture, too. He okayed the picture. He thought it was fucking great. Well, you said crack house. I said crack house. Give me, what's the rundown?

What's this place look like? Is it great? Oh, dude, it was palatial. Yeah. Oh, wow. It was the most fucking obnoxiously palatial fucking place ever. Give me, like, what are the rooms like? Just massive? Fucking obnoxiously palatial fucking give me give me like what are the rooms like ah just massive I mean, I just saved it big to base it like when you think of a palatial massive mansion

I mean, it's exactly what you had picture. It's yeah. Yeah Yeah, if anything though like the gated community that he lived in Was I did kind of feel a little bit like all the houses looked very similar I'm not gonna say cookie cutter. All right, but it has similar vibes all to it It did kind of feel a little bit like all the houses looked very similar. I'm not going to say cookie cutter. All right. But it had a similar vibe all to it. Got it.

Well, let me just go back to the death thing because you got something in my head here. It's horrible. It's inevitable. We're all going to die, and we know we're going to die, which is a bummer, which means God hates us. But isn't it better to know? Because now we can live, damn it. You know, some mongoose is just like trying to survive, trying to get a meal, trying to survive and live and get a hut. But we can do all this extra shit because we know there's an ending.

I think you're onto something there, and I don't know if this falls into the category of comedy, but there's absolutely a very powerful message in in uh pointing out that that people go through their fucking life with blinders on just like they don't want to think about don't remind me of my mortality i don't want to like la la la la they do everything they can to not think about it when in fact probably the the the way to have the most fulfilling and meaningful life is to think about it every day agreed and to really be deliberate about living every day knowing about like like really focusing on the finite nature of our existence here here

but we talk about like you know ignorance is bliss and that dog's wagging its tail because it doesn't know. Yeah. That's true. You don't see a lot of goth dogs. You know what I mean? They're usually pretty, like, you know, upbeat. That's true, yeah. Right.

And they can eat their own ass. Or they can blow themselves. That's pretty good, too. Yeah, it's really pretty cool. Can you blow yourself? I cannot. Oh, that blow yourself? I cannot. Oh, that's shocking. I cannot.

Seems like something that'd be right up your alley. If my damn dick was any bigger, I would have had a chance. Yeah. I've tried, too. I've pulled a muscle. But, yeah. Boy, this is deep. We really tackled some shit.

This is great. Tackled some shit. How's great. Tackled some shit. How's that bit doing? Is it working? The God hates us? I haven't worked on it in a long time, but I am super committed to my next hour really serving to explore this. really serving to explore this, you know.

It's kind of the premise of my next hour because my next hour is going to be... Well, Sam has been replaced. That's hilarious. My next hour will be an exploration of my experience with confronting middle age. Oh, nice. There you go. And the breakdown of the physical body that I've relied on for my livelihood. Well, you got hair. You got teeth.

You're thin. I mean, you're sober. You're in a good place. Well, thanks, man. Physically. Thanks. I'm going to hang on to that. Hell, yeah.

I'm going to clutch to that for dear life. And you got a, I assume, anxiety dog? Because you're not blind. Right. I mean, she's a service dog. Service dog. But what's the service? Well, she's mobility assist.

Oh, nice. Yeah, because I'm not fucking going anywhere without her, pal. Yeah. Good point. Yeah, don't expect me to be very mobile without her. I need a hangover dog. Just a dog that can help me out when I'm hungover. Like, all right, we're going to get you to the gym, you piece of shit.

The dog said the N-word years ago, and now it's not allowed to speak. We're having too much fun here. Did I tell you, honey, how fucking great this guy is? Oh, come on. We go way back. I have nothing else in life except for jokes so it's good man yeah and we get to tell them you know a microphone to hundreds of people we got it made yeah hundreds of people and yet we still get sad yep but that's that's the brain it is it's a it's very uh relative you know um they say that so was it einstein was it some fucking philosopher i said that that money has never made a man

happy that in fact quite the opposite what money does is it creates a void where an insatiable void more money more problems yeah well like the more money you know like that uh i know it's classic talk about marking your territory there you go right here perfect they uh they did some survey i heard about. They surveyed people with over $10 million. Maybe people of all kinds of financial status. And they found that the more money people have, the more financially insecure people feel. Interesting. The people with over $10 million in their bank account. So Elon Musk must be freaking out all the time.

He's probably thinking about it. Yeah. Because you get knocked out of that top five. Right. You're probably like, fuck. Yeah, I'm out. I'm on the way out. Right.

And I think that there's a saying that really illustrates that, which kind of knocked me on my ass, which is that a man who has nothing doesn't have to worry about anything except his next meal. But the man who has everything has to worry about his last meal. Is that fucked up? That's heavy. Still leaning toward the billionaire.

Yeah. Fuck the shoes. Here's one that fucked me up yeah every man has two lives but his second life starts when he realizes he only has one oh i might have fucked that up no i think that makes sense okay like he once you accept your mortality yeah you can you're really living exactly i did not realize you'd be doing so much death talk i know this is heavy it's great it's nice good to get it out because everybody thinks it's some magic pill you can just take and it'll all work out but you gotta work at it you gotta like somebody once said like oh i want to learn another language but it's so much work and i want

to get buff but it's i gotta go to the gym i want to be easy, but it should be hard because that's the fun part, like earning it. Very little of supreme value is easy to accomplish. Exactly. Yeah. So Mark asked me, or he just said going back to the death thing. He asked me how'd the bit go, how's it been going. how's it been going and um candidly i've not really worked on the you know the existential crisis bit about death in some time but i'm very much committed to my next hour that i put together really being uh an exploration of my experience with confronting middle age the breaking down of the body that

i rely on for my livelihood like the the fucking you know it's not like middle age is a motherfucker no matter who you are death sucks for all people yeah for steve-o it's like it's extra fucked up you know of course this is gonna be rough at 78 yeah you know? Of course. This is going to be rough at 78. Yeah. You know? So I really do need to work on this bit and get it somewhere. Yeah. And then like, what I do with my comedy, it's multimedia.

Like right now I'm on the Bucket List Tour and each item on the list is a bit in the show and after the bit, I screen the footage of the culmination of the bit oh that's great i pay off every bit with an actual video of the fucked up thing i did that i just told you the hilarious story about right that's interesting that's great and so i plan to do the same thing with my next tour and kind of going down like the list of the different like major concerns that uh middle age has confronted me with um impotence no i i've been fortunate that that uh impotence isn't always a problem yeah yeah well no one's perfect right um but like the one thing um I got fucking man titties, dude. This is a middle-aged deal.

You guys know that? I don't see it. Dude, there's dimples, dude. Really? No. I'm developing fucking man titties, dude. See, like, dimples. Oh, get out of here.

I got fucking, dude, I'm sorry, man, but I have fucking underboob, and it's driving me nuts. Oh. And my feelings about this, just because I want to raise the bar for crazy. I want to, like, the God that fucking fucked me and now has relegated me to fucking walking around with man tits. I'm lashing out at that God and getting breast augmentation surgery. Hell yeah!

Yeah, that's going to be one of my things. I'm getting fucking double D tits. I'm sure she loves this. She's back and forth with it. I mean, they're fun, but you guys are on. This is like half a transition. I'm just gonna do the tits. That was my dad.

Ever the homophobe. He said, how long are you gonna wait until you do the bottom half? You're just gonna be meatloaf in fight club there's so much fun there's so much uh fun stuff to do with that in my view sure like there's so many great bits to you could clean up on only fans yeah i'd pay for that yeah for sure and i consulted with the person i believe is the world's most famous plastic surgeon of botched fame dr terry dubrow okay he says don't keep him in for more than three months. And then the stretching will be manageable. He can really put me back together.

Okay. So. Three months. You'll be bi for three months. Yeah. My girl, her name is Lux. She says, I will be in Europe for three months. It's a good time to take a vacation. Yeah.

So, you're really going to do this? Yeah, I'm absolutely. I'm sure I'm going to do this. Well,. So you're really going to do this? Yeah, dude, I'm absolutely, I'm sure I'm going to do this. Well, now you got your closer for the new hour. Yeah, well, that's not the closer. Oh, really? Wow. Yeah, that's definitely not the closer.

But yeah, it's everything about what I'm seeking to do. Oh, well. So we were donating some implants. So that's going to be your future. Yeah, dude, epic. Yeah, why not? to do oh well we were donating some implants so that's gonna be your future yeah dude epic yeah why not everything about what I'm seeking to do with the next hour is challenging I love it

challenging the confronting mortality like alienating I love you doing heady material with just big cans on stage you're like what's up with God I think that I will have been restored to normal yeah uh before the before actually going on the road right right yeah uh part of me thinks dude don't fucking half

ass it you little bitch you know keep the tits for the whole tour yeah but uh my girl doesn't want to hear that are you going d double d is what i got. Terry DeBruce said I can do D or double D. Oh, my Lord. There's a saving grace of middle age that my man titties are fucking malleable and I have potential. What about a dick implant? Not a dick implant. I'm getting a dick tattoo on my forehead. No.

Yeah. No, don't do that. I love that that yeah you're gonna do it i love that that bothers you more my girl has absolutely no problem with the dick tattoo on really because you're still a man you see because back to my uh my my uh formulaic approach to this you know everything needs to be motivated and in my view the wrinkles that are accumulating around my eyes and on my face in general are not fucking okay but once i get a big dick tattooed on my forehead that's all anybody's going to be able to see so i will be young again most of the housewives would do that yeah

jeez the dick but that that's unremovable. No, it is. Laser tattoo removal. And it's counterintuitive, but the one color of tattoo ink which comes out most easily and completely is black. Ah. So you have a black dick. Yeah. Finally, she'll be satisfied. Now she's going to really want to sit on your face.

Yeah, you're in an interracial relationship. about these guys honey they're fucking great fantastic yeah dude we can't take a compliment now now i want you guys to know that as annoying as it was having homework for this podcast i did do it oh all right well let's really what do you got well i mean uh like we've we've we've we've thrown i've thrown out more bits you got? I appreciate it. Well, I mean, I've thrown out more bits than it makes sense to throw out. Appreciate that. I'm the kind of guy who can actually cough up his ideas because nobody's fucking taking my ideas. No, no, no. I can comfortably put it out there into the ether and know that nobody's going to steal it. I don't know.

You and Maria Bamford. No, but so you got to got all those joke thieves out there i feel pretty uh do you have a peeve a pet peeve or anything that bugs you you know the the one thing that really came to mind is when i i see it fucking so often dude is when someone says i was so glad to be a part of it but a part is one word oh how about a part of something yeah a part if it's a different meaning right yeah if it's not only a different meeting it's the exact fucking opposite yeah a part it's a different meaning right yeah if it's not only a different meeting it's the exact fucking opposite meeting a part of it oh i'm so glad i'm so glad that i got to be a part of it when they're saying a part is one word not a part whoa you're both because apart when the words are together the letters are together it means it means far away separate apart but if you make two words out

of it it is a part so it's part completely fucking opposite i feel like just it irks the shit out of me yeah when when i see that like no you were not you were not a part of it fucking ass we love you being a part of this podcast yeah when you get the tits you guys will be apart man that's a good one apart that's good apartheid it's it yeah it's just uh a silly fucking little thing but it but it irks the fuck out of me well the english language is a real cunt like imagine trying to learn the english language late in life you know it's like we have we have a thing called a dress shirt you know we say he's pretty ugly i mean it's so many fucked up twisted link linguistics in english he's pretty ugly what's wrong with the dress shirt well it's a

dress shirt but it's a shirt oh so it's confusing maybe if you're a foreigner you're like wait get dressed yeah what are you doing you get dressed? Yeah, then you dress a sandwich. Yeah, dude. That's true. I mean, we're turning into Seinfeld here. I have a peeve for you guys. Oh, please. A good friend of mine, one of my best friends, he'll do this a lot.

He'll just say, I don't know why it bugs me so much, but he'll say, I had a great time giggling with you last night. Whoa. Giggling? What the fuck are you talking about? I hate that. Whoa. What are you, an Asian teenage girl? What the hell?

That sounds like a very homophobic peeve. Really? Giggling? No, I don't think it's a gay. He's a straight guy. It's not gay. It's more childlike. It's childlike. Weird. Giggling. I'm like, what are we, children? Yeah, giggling. Hee hee. I have the same thing when a guy will write back, hee hee. How about a ha ha? You give me a hee hee?

Oh, wow. H-E- write back, hee hee. How about a ha ha? You give me a hee hee? Oh, wow. H-E-H-E. Hee hee. Giggling just sounds like, what were we doing last night? Yeah, we had a real good giggle. Yeah. A real belly giggle. Yeah, I picked you guys holding each other when you're giggling

together. Get in here, bro. Kill a giggle. There's one fine giggle, dudeiggle dude oh that's a good one yeah you keep joking i'll bring the giggles i'll see you next week now i recently put a video together of 10 things that really piss me off oh hit us dude uh and um fucking urinals was big on the list i mean what the fuck dude like well you just want a regular toilet i mean just i sit down to pee yeah oh really yeah i sit down to pee because all fucking standing up to pee is is just an exercise and pissing all over the fucking place yeah like

i mean dude like it's so absurd that they actually put, like, special mats for collecting piss on the floor in front of the urinal. Right. Because they know. They know. They know that this is just a fucking battle zone of fucking piss. Yeah. I wear these pants. They're very nice.

But look, one inch of liquid, and you got a mouse could jizz on these, and you would see it. And I was at the urinal yesterday, and I was all, I had the back spray. Yeah. mouse could jizz on these and you would see it and i was at the urinal yesterday and i was all i had the back spray and it was like i had to sit down and do this shit for a half an hour while it dried because the backsplash was so bad but with jeans you don't really notice it but with these pants how about this how about this when when women become irate because you left the seat up. Oh my God. Okay, like think about this. No good deed. The guy that these women are getting mad at had the forethought, the courtesy,

the decency to not piss on that fucking seat. He lifted the seat so as to not piss on it. And he left it up as a sign of that courtesy and that respect. Right. Whereas the other guy never fucking put it up in the first place, pissed all over it.

And the lady's like, oh, what a gentleman. Right. I don't think they say what a gentleman if it's covered in piss. Right, right, right. Maybe he fucking did a slapdash job of wiping it off so it's not visible, but it's covered in his piss. Dried up piss. Yeah. No, that's a good point. i do the uh foot i pee on the seat and then i use a sock i don't know if you guys do that so the whole like standing up standing up to piss thing like

i had especially because when i get when i'm on the airplane i take off my shoes i would rather have my shoes off and then I go to the bathroom. And the flight attendants are disgusted by me. They're like, oh, my God, you're going into the bathroom like barefoot or in your socks. You should be like, have you not seen Jackass? Have you not seen the shit I've done? Right. Going in there, it's so disgusting.

I'm like, well, how about this? I personally, out of respect, I pee sitting down because I don't want to be one of these guys pissing all over everything. I go into the bathroom barefoot and that's nothing compared to when I sit down on the toilet. I'm sitting in some fucking asshole's piss. You know, that's a lot more disgusting than what's going on with my feet. Flight pissing is a real peeve of mine because I'm, first off, I'm tall. I have to sit down. Really? Oh, my God. going on with my feet flight pissing is a real peeve of mine because i'm first off i'm tall i have to sit down oh my god i'm dude on the on those little planes i can't my neck's already

fucked up i can't i can't stand upright what's wrong with your neck i just have some disc degenerative disc disease me too yeah man all right you know it's fun i used to get i went to a basketball camp when i was 17, and all the black kids called me Steve-O. Oh, wow. Because I had a shorter haircut. Cool. Yeah.

They were like, Steve-O. I consider you better looking than me. Oh, I don't know, dude. I don't know about that, but. No, I do. It's funny. He went to camp, and they called him Jew face. Another thing that fucking pisses me off, and it pisses me off in a serious way

is cemeteries oh think about this okay when you bury a dead human being yeah what you have done is you have taken a plot of land and rendered that piece of land utterly fucking useless for feeding people, for sheltering people. Like, you've just fucking completely disqualified that land for being of any use. And on top of that, you've now made that land creepy. Oh, that's great. George Carlin has a whole bit about this, by the way. I go to my grandparents' graves sometimes. I'm like, this could have been a fucking walgreens yeah for sure yeah

exactly and um spooky is interesting and and and the the whole life cycle the the the nature of of of life everything changes right you've you've done that to this land fucking forever so so like you know generations go by generations go by and then now like like all the world is a fucking cemetery now it's true it goes on and on forever it's just never like you're stunting growth yeah in a way you're not stunting growth you're you're fucking like ruining land yeah you're just disqualifying land right although if you live near a cemetery that's nice you're in a quiet neighborhood that's true that is kind of nice that's true in new orleans cemeteries are like a big deal people walk through them there's like a tourist thing but during katrina a lot of the graves rose up yeah which is like

horror movie shit you know and so a lot of uh we have maus Yeah. Which is like horror movie shit, you know? And so a lot of the, we have mausoleums because of our flooding is so bad. Right. Yeah. I just think it's fucking stupid. Now, the solution to this, it's pretty cool. All right. I think two and a half men nailed it, by the way.

Yeah. Right. Yeah. Cremation. Yeah. I think cremation's solid. Yeah. Cremation. Yeah. I think cremation's solid. But they also have what's called, I think it's called a tree pod, where it's like you can fit the fucking body of your loved one in like a fetal position in this egg-shaped pod, which you do bury in the ground, and it turns into a tree. Whoa, that's way better.

Way better. Wow. I think Al Lubell used to have a bit, like, why do we bury ourselves lying down as opposed to standing? It would take up less space. Right, right. Which I thought was an interesting observation. How about that, yeah.

Good angle, yeah. It's just fucking stupid. It'd be funny if the tree came out looking like us, like you're a palm tree. And it'd be like a shitty bush. That's a dumb joke. Oh, do we have the tree pod here oh we got burial that's 99 bucks plant a tree i'm doing this yeah all right cheaper funeral how about that yeah super cheap funeral kid dude how annoying is it the fucking uh all these goMes for fucking funeral costs. I know.

Caskets are so expensive. Yeah. Crazy. An open casket is such a weird tradition. Yeah. Yeah, dude. Yeah, the queen, they lined up, dude. Yeah.

Did you see the image of the body in the fetal position fucking in the pod? I mean, it's very symbolic. It's like kind of how you come into the world in fetal position, right? Exactly. And you go out. Yeah. There you go.

Oh, look at that. There you go. Whoa, that's heavy. Yeah, we should be doing this. This is a great idea. Big ass potato. Yeah. We have a lot of people at morgues who are like,

look, he's sucking his dick. But you're right. He's in a ball bag, and he's going to come out as a tree. Yeah. A kumquat. All right. Sorry. It's just that we cover all of my homework.

I got the peeves. You crush it, man. Yeah. Oh, things that we recommend. Oh, you're on fire, Steve-O. We weren't going to push for it, but we're honored. Yeah, okay. Things that we recommend.

Besides fake tits. I cannot fucking. I was going to say that we're all podcasters here. So let's take this opportunity to make ourselves some money. Let's talk about Tushy. Which I absolutely do recommend. Do you use it? I fucking use it. Yes. You have it on it? I fucking hate to use it.

Yes. You have it on there? I have it, but my... Do you guys promote it and not use it? Are they sponsored? I think they gave us one, maybe. Yeah, you'd be crazy not to use it. I would love to have it up a day.

My asshole is a graveyard of shit. Crustaceans on that butthole. Terrible. It's like, yeah, I really am. I cannot recommend the use of a bidet enough. You know, all kidding aside, like, I love to promote Tushy. Now, here's what a maniac I am on my podcast. When I'm promoting Tushy, I, out loud, into a microphone,

identify them as my favorite sponsor, which is actually saying all the rest of the sponsors of my podcast can go fucking suck a fart out of my asshole because I'm giving preferential favor to Tushy. All right. And I can't help it because I'm an honest guy. I hear you. I fucking love Tushy. Everybody should be doing it.

We have stuff in our butt cracks all day long that we don't know about. It's out of sight, out of mind. But it's better to get that cleaned up. I'm definitely pro bidet. I just haven't set it up. Now, in lieu of – I will say something somewhat critical, I will say something somewhat critical, which is that Tushy also sells a, I think it's called Tushy on the go, and it's like a collapsible squeeze water bottle.

And you flip up the nozzle and you're supposed to like sort of reach between your legs and like squeeze the water bottle. I don't find that super effective. Nah, nah. Thank God they don't make water super effective no no and uh yeah there you go water picks and in and uh in lieu of actually having the proper bidet set up on the toilet like i swear by fucking flushable wet wipes oh people love i use those next month month. Oh, you do? Yeah. Next month, I will be receiving the first shipment of 10,050 packs of- What? Steve-O's butt wipes for your butthole. Oh, I'm going to get my butt wipe. How are your butt wipes different than like a standard one?

Like the dude wipes? Yeah. Well, for starters, dude wipes is very misogynistic. Okay? Good point. I mean, dude, I'm not alien for starters, dude wipes is very misogynistic. Okay? Good point. I mean, dude, I'm not alienating anybody, dude. Women have buttholes too, bro. I love it.

War. You're starting some beef here. Yeah, starting some beef. Are they scented or no? Mine are not scented, but God, do they feel great. I can't wait to wipe my ass. You know what? I'm going to get these, dude.

And I have to say, public apology, my ex would swear by these, and I was always like, ugh. And then we broke up, and I started using them. And she was right. I mean, dude, dry toilet paper does not do the trick, man. It does not do the trick. And invariably, like an hour later, I got to go find a bathroom and wipe my ass again, and there's fucking shit on the toilet paper. Yeah.

Not cool, man. I hate it. It's true. If a girl shat on your chest, you wouldn't use a dry rag. You'd use a wet rag. Don't ask me how I know. Right. That would never, I'm too hairy for that to even be a possibility.

It's like peanut butter in a carpet. I mean, come on. Look at this. A woman. Oh, yeah. That's true. What wouldn't be? This is the most cleavage we've shown on a podcast

between me and Steve over here. What wouldn't be a possibility with the hairy chest? Oh, my God. I mean, I could shit on there. Really? Could you get it off? Anybody could shit on there. What's the problem? But he's saying getting it off.

With dry toilet paper, you got a problem. But that was off yeah yeah with dry toilet paper you got a problem yeah but now with steve's butt wipes butt wipes for your butthole it's it's like a whole kind of a line that i'm going i've got hot toss for your butthole butt wipes for your butthole yeah yeah this is all under my company name i've got a special company called Whole Foods. I love this for you. It's great. Whole Foods, but without the W. I love it.

I was thinking if, ands, or buts. But this is great. All right, we got a Rick. We got a P. We got a bit. Steve-O, you killed it. You killed it, man. Hey, man. You know, I'm a neurotic homework doer.

I love it. A hard kick in the nuts. Any bookstore, Amazon? Anywhere books are sold. Yeah, anywhere books love it. A hard kick in the nuts. Any bookstore, Amazon? Anywhere books are sold. Yeah, anywhere books are sold. Beautiful. A hard kick in the nuts. I mean, it sounds awesome.

Get the hot sauce, too. It is shocking what I fucking admit in that book. I will say that. Oh, that's a good tease. I can't wait. Yeah, this looks awesome. Yeah. Awesome, man.

I enjoy you guys. You're the man. You too, man. Thank you. And that's a high compliment because on my first date with my girl, who's now my fiance, I said, I enjoy you. Whoa. Ah.

Yeah. All right. So maybe we'll fuck. We got some tour dates coming up. Oh, yeah. Where are you going to be, Steve-O? These next dates. I don't know how soon you guys are getting this up.

Yeah, I don't either. Probably late October. There you go. Okay. Rather than Canada. We're talking to you. Hell yeah. Got a big run going through Eastern.

No, sorry. Western Canada. Okay. What's the site name? It's just Steve-O, man. Oh, perfect. Steve-O.com. Steve-O.com. Check it out for dates. go see him on the road

he's working on his new new hour i won't be working on my new hour this is the bucket list tour oh sorry this is the bucket list tour this is where you're gonna see uh you're all over look at that jesus christ you're going hard oh new york town hall that's that's a great classic i'm touring my fucking living dick off Yeah Go see those tits folks Hell yeah man Thank you guys so much Thank you sir We're not capped

Butt wipes Wow what an episode With Steve O'Healy Oh yeah Such a great guest Coming up Killer I guess it's coming out late

October right So I'll be in New Jersey At the Stress Factory OKC Right after Norman's wedding Woo Springfield, Missouri Fort Wayne, Indiana Kansas Missouri, Tacoma, Spokane. Big tour coming in January.

I'm fucking coming everywhere, so get ready for that announcement, too, if I haven't made it already. Come all over me. I think that's Segura's tour. I'm coming everywhere. That's a great title. That's the hard thing is coming up with a tour. What's your tour called?

All Over the Road. That's good. You know, I'm all over the road. It's got a double meaning. Yeah. Double meaning is big for that stuff. Yeah, huge. But coming everywhere is just so silly.

It's great. I'm all over the road. I'm in Lincoln, Nebraska. I'm in Minneapolis. I'm in Seattle, Portland, Seattle again, Vancouver, Houston, New Orleans, Boston, New Haven, Philadelphia, vancouver houston new orleans boston new haven uh philadelphia honolulu nashville miami you name it all kinds of fun stuff it's gonna be a it's gonna be a hell of a year uh new hours cooking and uh yeah get on the patreon get a mug get a shirt get a mark now when he's cooking that hour it's gonna be killer and uh get that bodega cat

whiskey at bodega cat whiskey.com oh watch my netflix special please yes uh you know see us on the road yeah we got tons of great guests cooking we got hours on youtube where we got a lot of content out there for you folks and we love you we'll see you next time at the and naked Samuel is feeling dangerous. I'm out to lunch here in New Orleans, this woman doesn't look like I remember her, and I get down in the same way. We might be true