We Might Be Drunk - Ep 99: Halloween w/ Dan Soder

Episode Date: October 31, 2022

Pick up Bodega Cat BodegaCatSpirits.com https://www.wemightbedrunkpod.com/shop Get $130 off 6 meals by going to https://go.factor75.com/DRUNK130 and use code DRUNK130 Visit https://www.dietsmoke.com and use code DRUNK. Spooky Halloween with Dan Soder, its a Super episode! Catch Dan Soder on the road: https://www.dansoder.com/ Find Mark Normand on the road: http://marknormandcomedy.com/ Find Sam Morril on the road: https://www.sammorril.com/shows Join us on Patreon: Patreon.com/WeMightBeDrunkPod

Hey, folks, here we are. Oh, it's the Super Mario podcast. Happy Halloween. Thank you. I was waiting for that. Hell yeah, Peter. All right. We are fucking virgins, huh?

Look at these nerds. Holy shit. We got candy and video games. Speak for yourself. I'd clean up in Japan right now now dan soda's with us our boy here our boy for so long we've been tight with him for so many years this is fun dude billions netflix hbo comedy central the bonfire bonfire every time you say my credits, I got to eat it like a coin.

Who is your go-to in the Mario Kart? Who's your driver? I do like Yoshi, honestly. Yoshi's fun. Yoshi's my guy. I'm a big Mario Kart on the Switch. So I love it. Oh, is this a little N.A. for your boy?

Thanks, dude. What is this? Oh, is this a little N.A.? For your boy? Thanks, dude. What is this beer, Drew? Today we're doing just like a little simple haunted fruit punch with some nice cherries on there. Spooky. All right.

Dude, love it. This would be funny if you guys planned all this to get me off the wagon. Yeah. This was it? I don't want you back on the wagon because I remember you were a beer and a shot drinker. Yeah. Yeah, this is a reverse intervention. We planned all this to want you back on the wagon because I remember you were a beer and a shot drinker. Yeah, this is a reverse intervention. We planned all this to get you back.

This is a lovely non-alcoholic drink. Ooh, that is tasty. I bet if you put booze in that, it'd be real spooky. I have a confession to make. What? Well, I tried to get soda on the bachelor party episode, which comes out next week. It took a year off my life it killed me partially because derosa every fucking 10 minutes shots shots four in the

afternoon we're all on the road so much that i can't tell when i'm sick anymore because i just never feel good so so i go and feel i'm pretty rough but i'm like is it allergies i don't know but i'm like ah whatever probably had 10 to 12 drinks that night easily. I mean, we went out for steaks after. I mean, we easily had that many. And DeRosa, even at dinner, was like, drinks, drinks were wasted. And, you know, I went on stage. I'm like, you know when you're on stage struggling to enunciate? That was at the Comedy Cellar, the late show.

That was one of the shows I realized that it was time to pack it up. Oh, really? I got so drunk at Triona's because I never wanted to see, I never wanted SD to see me drink. Because on Friday nights, you're there for like four spots. Yeah. Triona's is a bar down the street from the cellar. In the West Village.

And so I'd go around the corner and just do shots with beers. And dude, I was on stage at the late show and I was like, I just couldn't talk. Yeah. I was like, damn. I remember when I got into the cellar, I saw Colin Quinn, you know, hero. And I was like, I just couldn't talk. Yeah. I was like, damn. I remember when I got into the cellar, I saw Colin Quinn, you know, hero. And I was like, any advice? He goes, just don't drink. And I was like, oh, yeah.

And I had a whiskey. I was like, fuck, this is bad. But he's right, because you get too drunk and it gets ugly. He just keeps going. He's like, no observational humor. That's kind of lame. Yeah. Saying comedy.

That's pretty stupid, you know. No praise Allah. saying comedy that's pretty stupid you know praise allah but uh a bachelor party drinking is a that's a long that's a marathon we got we did four hours and i mean the episode's a banger next week coming out but dude that it set me back so many fucking days i was in phoenix last weekend i was dying i i took a covet test i was negative but i was doing those shows where i'm like i'm of like the mentality if i can perform i'll perform sure but it was like this that 90s nicks patrick ewing knees in the ice bucket i'm like i'll power through but holy shit were you at stand-up live i was at stand-up live so you can go right to the hotel after right

to the hotel i was with veder yeah uh every time i got off stage i would like collapse they would hand me nyquil i just down it you know it was that level of sick i'm telling you yeah that was your jordan flu game right you have to uh man taking a week off and i don't even drink and i take weeks off and i really and i feel it where i'm like take a week off the road and you're like all right yeah oh yeah i'm watching sober october with these guys and they're they're all looking better they look eight years younger they're all like on the treadmill i'm like damn maybe i should do that i quit drinking and everyone was like hey good for you i quit smoking cigarettes and everyone's like you look 10 years younger oh the cigs i think it was the cigs that were getting me but man do i miss those the most. They work.

Cigarettes work. The second Putin threatens nuclear anything, I'm buying a pack of cigarettes. Lighten up. You know Leonard Cohen, he said if he made it to 80, he would start smoking cigarettes again, and he did. Oh, wow. He died very soon after. That's fucking awesome. Good for him.

I said 70. 70, I'm going to start drinking and smoking again. All right. Well, so I guess you'll never be drinking and smoking. I don't know. We'll see. All right. I quit at 29 so I could get fucked up at 70.

There you go. But then your body is, a hangover at 70 has got to hurt. Oh, take me to my wife. You're already in a wheelchair probably, and you got the IV. You got the feedback. And you got a Jamaican panty You got a Jamaican lady That's gonna give you a hangover cure

Exactly In the home Because being old is basically the same as hungover It is It's just a life hangover Right You just lived all your life And then now you're hungover

And you're fucking sick I'm looking at my grandma I was 94 Bad hangover Exactly She's like Everything she does She's just like Where's my fucking keys yeah

that's how you feel on stage when you're sick you just feel old i'm just walking slowly my voice isn't great and then people woo like shut up but you know this is a tough city to be sick in oh they go they go hard they're also hot hot as shit hot cities are not easy to be sick in. Yeah, but you have a great voice, so you never got the smoky Steve-O. I started getting it. It started coming. It started getting a little raspy. Look at Chappelle. He's getting a little-

Oh, yeah. The way Dave's like, everybody knows what I am, but now it's even smokier. JL Colvin does it perfect. Oh, really? I do more Chappelle show era Chappelle. Killing him softly. Yeah, I do killing him softly Ch chapelle jail can do the smoky one oh wow you gotta understand man it's just like it's pretty good yeah but dave's got he's been smoking for well have you heard tom waits oh my i mean tom waits already i know he came in with a gruff voice at

like 28 yeah now seismologists have to say what he's saying. It's like, it's rumbling. I'll decipher. The piano has been drinking? Is he the one? Who am I thinking of? He's on Letterman and he's hilarious. He's mad funny on Letterman.

He's super quick. Tom Waits? Yeah, he's good. Tom Waits rules. He's a sexy guy. Something about him. He's a guy that, yeah, he's not like classically. He's not a handsome guy, but He's a guy that Yeah he's not like Classically He's not a handsome guy

But he's got that He's got it Yeah dude Tom Waits has got Some fucking bangers Yeah he's got some bangers There's an hour And 26 minute clip of him

That's more than Most comedians You know if Letterman Has you on that much It means you're fucking funny Right right I think he's got A couple great lines

Even this young Tom Waits He looks older than us. Yeah. I did what I could. He sounds like if an old house could talk. You know, like in Pixar movies? Right. You don't want to live in me.

I'm an old house. Isn't that the dream? I just want to be on bob's burgers and then do stand-up and you'll never work a day in your life that's it that's where i'm gonna do a lot of voiceover i do voiceover stuff what have you been doing uh recently i did paradise pd on netflix i do nfl films top 100 wow i want so i told nfl films i've been doing it for six years i'm like hey when your guy dies i want the season recap job i want to be like that year the raiders knew that fall would bring you know and then do

where they score it yeah i want that job you can be the next attenborough dude i would yeah i would fucking love just get high and talk about seagulls look at this guy yeah the rhino presents himself watch that shit all day yeah they go pause i go are we gonna see this rhino fuck yeah it's just like the scrapped ones somebody had a bit about how like it'd be fun to narrate like dudes at a bar with with attenborough oh yeah like picking up a chick well they kind of did that on chapelle show with when keeping it real goes wrong they did the nfl films thing remember what was like, but he wasn't there. Instead, it was, yeah, When Keeping It Real Goes Wrong.

That was a great one. Man, Chappelle's show was a banger. When Keeping It Real Goes Wrong. Oh, hey, look, Sally's on it. Oh, you know what it was? It was Great Moments in Hookup History. That was when they did NFL Films. Dude, I did a few voices on 10 year old tom on hbo

oh hell yeah that's a great show that shows i mean that whole that's like steve doldarian rules did you ever watch life at times of tim jay's obsessed with it and got me into it it's very funny yeah i love nick kroll that kroll is great yeah it's got a lot of great shit on there but uh that's awesome but when you do the voiceover with him, you do the script, and then he's like, all right, let's riff a few. Yeah. And you just keep riffing, and he's fun to riff with. That's awesome.

He'll just go in weird directions. Yeah. Oh, all right. Yeah. I was like, I remember when we were all doing mics or whatever, and Bob's Burger came out, Bob's Burgers, and Todd Berry did the voice of a cow. Wow. I was excited. Yeah. Because I was like, Todd Berry did the voice of a cow. Wow. I was like excited.

Yeah. Because I was like, Todd Berry. That's Todd Berry. Of course. You know, Eugene Merman was like the son. Yeah. Because it seems so great just to get a voiceover job. I mean, did you hear Michelle Wolf got the new GTA?

I'm just setting you up. Get out of the fucking car. I'll kill you. That's my car. I'm sorry. Are you comedian Michelle? Don't look at the fucking car. I'll kill you. That's my car. I'm sorry, are you comedian Michelle? Don't look at my fucking face. I'll execute every motherfucking last one of you. You need the Pulp Fiction music right there.

Be cool, honey bunny. Yeah. Any of you motherfuckers move, and I'll execute every motherfucking last one of you. I heard Macho man randy savage that's who i play on paradise pd i they like let me do macho man on paradise pd and they were like at one point they were like just cut a promo and so they gave me like things that i was supposed to say and that was that was the most fun damn most fun because I was in like a big you know a fancy sound booth with the headphones on and just being like

yeah and another thing I cut it as his as his as his ghost God bless Mean Gene most of the cream rises to the top dude no he's got the purple shirt on when he does Cream.

Person, yeah. Yeah. They're like comics. They have to build a persona. Dude, and the way that he would like, you know, he has like little isms, like the way he would go down and pop. And he'd be like, I'm telling you something right now. There is no way.

Yeah. And it was just like. My favorite line is when he goes, cup of coffee. He starts off with a coffee and he goes, cup of coffee, yeah. Cup of coffee in the big time, yeah. That's fucking hilarious. You better believe I got swim jams only because of him. Oh, yeah.

I hated him when I was a kid because I was such a big Hulk Hogan fan. Wow. I was such a macho man guy. I don't know why. It's always that. It's's like his breath is he just took a giant hit a weed yeah yeah how do you create that how do you craft that out of his ass there's a great interview with his brother where his brother talks about like the two guys it's like comics we're all influenced by people the wrestlers are influenced so there's like guys that work the territories and his dad was a professional wrestler so there's two guys that he liked so when he was coming up he was like practicing doing that breathy like right it might it's not bruiser brody but it's

like somebody like that that does like the holding in your breath like i'm gonna talk like that and then he just added in yeah so dan you know the origin story of the cream that he just took it from catering? Yeah, pretty much. They would challenge each other backstage. Be like, do something with this. And they'd throw it at him. Oh, really?

Yeah, yeah. Like freestyle battles? Yes, yes. To like work, yeah. It wouldn't justify if we in a position that I'd rather not be in. But the cream is the top. Oh, yeah. My true madness, yes.

Got more. Oh, man. I also love that that t-shirt looks like a short-sleeved turtleneck. He's so muscular. He's like, even a little more. Yeah, I got to lift the arms out. They're basically like improv savants. That's why wrestling kind of sucked for a while because Vince McMahon controlled their promos. It was like, what would they do to us with TV sets? Right. like wrestling kind of sucked for a while because Vince McMahon controlled their promos. Oh.

He like, it was like, what would they do to us with TV sets? Right. That's what Vince McMahon did to everybody. You can't fuck with the artist. And then they were like, because this is back in the day. This is roids and cocaine, dude. Anytime you let the performers do what they do, it is going to be better. That was what happened with Louie.

FX let Louie make it. And then everyone was like, that's so genius. And you're like, oh, the guy made the thing he wanted to make? Exactly. And then now they're like, that's what a concept. I know. Everybody wanted the Louie deal. Because this is something that networks don't like hearing, but it's the truth, is there's a lot of people that work there that really don't do anything.

Of course. And they feel like they need to do something. Yeah, so their job is to be like i think we should change that yep and then if you challenge it you're like difficult to work with yeah like i don't think that's why i do that i'll work with people who will like literally change something and then change it back in the next paragraph and i'm like you're just wasting right this is crazy they they canceled family guy twice i I know. And then it's been as big, it's just under The Simpsons as far as how big it's been for Fox. Right. That's true.

And it's so great. Everybody loves it. And it's like the funniest show. I remember when they canceled it, we were all in college. And you had to get it on like Morpheus or like LimeWire. Morpheus. Yeah, Kazaa. You'd have to go download it on Kazaa.

That's true. Holy God, the industry sucks. That's why the internet's winning, you fucking cum guzzlers. But you know what's funny is that now the internet's just letting too many people in. Now you did the thing where you're like, I'm going to throw a party in a field so no one gets uninvited and then everyone showed up and you're like, shit, I got a bouncer for this thing. Gatekeepers did have some merit.

They had some merit. They had some merit. They had too much power. Too much power, but some merit. But they were keeping some real shit bags out. Yeah, they were. We just need the little thing you put when you have a toddler in the doorway. We need like just a little bit. If you can figure out how to lift it up, you can come in. The little knob thing.

Yeah. But yeah, now it's no gate at all. And like, you know, Chappelle, I love Chappelle, but I don't. He could use a gate. The recent stuff, I'm like, Dave, what are we doing? Yeah, I know, right? I'm going to sit on stage and read my tax returns. I know.

Now this is going by how I filed it by state. Yeah, part of me is like, maybe I'll stab him. Yeah, yeah. Maybe I'll go up there. That guy was just yelling, structure! And that's what he was yelling at Dave. He's like a comedy guy. He's a fan.

That guy loved him. He's like, I preferred your earlier stuff. I loved when you had a clear premise on a bit. Dude, I thought it was funny when Mulaney had Chappelle do a set and everyone got mad at Mulaney. You're seeing two of the greatest comedians of all time on the same bill and you're upset about it. In Ohio. Think how that would have played in Portland, Oregon. They would have burned the city.

Holy shit. But also it would have been funny if Mulaney just did super anti-trans stuff. He just went up there and goes, you know what I don't understand? Trans. Well, What are you Are you a he Or a she And then Chappelle

Goes in there Chappelle They tag in Yeah Chappelle I was gonna say I don't know What they're doing

They're gonna do A new pod coming out Calling What is it Peters We need We need one for it We need one

Get a Give me a You get us way more liberal with these Mario mazel that was a red shell you threw it just then oh yeah we were talking about Mario Kart though I played it on switch you know what we were praising I was with Mateo on switch once and he's so good at the game. And he's keeping rules from us that you have to hit that R, I guess, to turn. Yeah, the slide? The power slide? I'm like, dude, of course you're keeping rules from us.

Got to be transparent. Got to be transparent. You got to know about, you also, when you jump off jumps, you get a boost. Yeah. Whoa. I didn't know any of this shit. I've been playing for 20 years. i didn't know that well that's a new rule though isn't it yeah it's just you know oh okay how about that rainbow land that's trippy dude i love it i love it it's that's mario kart to me signifies the end of a two-show night when i'm just like eating candy in my hotel

just laying there and i'm like damn dude i'm, I'm a child. Yeah. I'm just playing Mario Kart. Well, that blew my mind. I think I worked with Nate once, and he had like, him and Big Jay had NBA Jam. Oh, yeah. I was like, I didn't know we could do this. It felt like overload of too much fun. Comedy, booze, video games. You just get all the stuff you wanted?

Yeah. Big Jay and I were both once in Indianapolis. We were both playing the different crackers clubs. Yeah. Quit bragging. Yeah, it was not great but uh jay brought his xbox and we're just playing nba 2k oh i'm like this is dude why does does everyone do this yeah veter and i used to when we worked comedy on state one year we were doing

valentine's day so they did three shows in the night and we in between shows we'd go back and play a game to nba 2k and then by the time we got back to the club, it was sat and ready to go. Yeah. It was awesome. It was like you just reloaded it. You're like, all right, reload, reload. It was so fun. I wonder if comics in the 60s were like,

we got Scrabble. Jenga. Jenga broke. Chutes and ladders. But you know what's funny is there was a part I read in Bill Hicks' biography where they said that when Nintendo came out, he bought a Nintendo, and he was sober and that

like him playing Mario Brothers was like a big deal I wouldn't have survived in the 80s we would all been dead the blow alone the blow and the lack of yeah that's my heart at a fucking you know side splitters

but here's what because of all the drugs the comedy bar was so much lower. Like, have you ever seen clips of like Richard Belzer in the 80s? He was a crowd work genius. And you see the clip and I'm like, I don't even know what he's talking about. Look at this homo. Look at you. There's just saying words that you're like, well, that would end my career right now.

My favorite is on that Paul Provenza green room thing. I used to love that show. When Stan Hope's talking about his book. Yes! And then Belzer goes like, what is this? I forget what Stanhope's talking about, but he's talking about something

and Belzer goes, what is this? What are you selling a thing? And then Stanhope goes, Belzer, I bought your book. Yeah, yeah, so good. I loved it. He's called him out.

Well, it's old hack versus hilarious guys in their prime. He is good on Law & Order SVU, though. All right. Well, he's good at that drama show. We got to get on that show, by the way. What the hell? Yeah, Colin Quinn's got that bit about how he's a New Yorker, and he's like the only

New Yorker that hasn't been asked on Law & Order SVU. He's like, I have stumbled onto the set by accident multiple times. I love that bit. Anytime he goes to that bit, because then he does what he thinks his law and order episode would be oh that's good you know you mentioned nintendo with bill hicks nintendo should mark it as like hey hey quit drinking this is healthier yeah that's a great little uh way to sell more units because it really yeah you're absolutely correct that that would be a way for alcoholics to be like hey i, I can go play Zelda and not ruin my family. Exactly.

Yeah, but drinking on the road is fun. Oh, it's sad now that it's almost Pavlovian. Like I get into the club, I have tequila on my rider, so I don't have to wait for a waitress. That's how bad of a booze town I am. That's a problem. Yeah, that's a problem. Like I don't want to wait for eight minutes for this Bob of Three bomb of three to bring me a tequila soda i need it right now yeah so i make it right when i get there and i'm like all right i'm back do you have a specific tequila i've been this is gonna get ugly why i'm out with

casamigos what i'm out jim what happened well i've been i've been reading all about tequilas because i'm trying to if i'm gonna drink this much i'm trying to stay somewhat healthy it's i hate to do this and out these these these cloonies of the world but it's he's out now he's not with it anymore it's full of garbage it's all yacked up with all kinds of shit it's stepped on it's got all kinds of condiments and additives and all this shit really terramon all the way no not terrible the rocks yeah i've had it it tastes pretty good i'm doing i'm doing research here on like what's better for you you know it's all poison at the end of the day it doesn't make sense that the rocks it's cleaner cleaner yeah give it a gook i'm telling you they're toadstool i don't know i don't know why we're plugging the

rocks tequila he doesn't need more press no i'm not he's doing okay well what's funny is i that mexican restaurant i used to work at they made us get certified in tequila. Oh, wow. So you know a lot about tequila? I did. I don't think I retained it. But Vince Neil came in. Oh, the Cabo Wabo.

He has like Trace Rios. Oh, sorry. I'm thinking of Sammy Hagar. Yeah, that's Cabo Wabo. Yeah. Every celebrity has a tequila. Yeah. It's crazy. It's like a podcast with comedians. Yes. Every celebrity has a tequila. Yeah. It's crazy.

It's like a podcast with comedians. Yes. If you're famous, you have to fucking- That's a tweet. You have to have a tequila. And we have a whiskey, so. Yeah, exactly. BodegaCatWhiskey.com, folks.

Changing the game, motherfuckers. But he was like, you guys have Trace- It's Trace Rios, right? He asked for his own tequila? What is a- And then he got drunk on the cafe, and I just kept looking at how his face looked. I'm not using tequila, his own tequila yeah what is a real and then he got drunk on the cafe and his i just kept looking at how his face looked no look for trace i can't tell if that's really cool really sad to get drunk on your own i'll tell you the tequila that i love the most yeah but

but we do it like with it in the studio to show up to a restaurant that's weird That's weird. Try Partita. Partita? That's the shit that I would like. You think Guy Fieri shows up to his restaurant and he's like, garbage nachos now. Need them. Any restaurant he eats at.

He should have a hot sauce holster. Wouldn't that be fun? Or if he had it on his shoulder holster like a detective. You guys want some awesome sauce yeah that would be fun every fucking every famous person has a tequila partia partita yeah the breaking bad guys have a tequila reposado is the one that uh i mean this is like 12 years ago. Jesse Pinkman and Walter White have a tequila together. Geez. That's a good way to stay in touch, too. I should have done, I'm going to do a rum for my dead father.

That's my liquor. I'm going to do a rum because that's what killed Gary. What are you running, what are you rumming from? What are you rumming from? That's good. That'll probably be the tag. Yes, yes. What are you rumming from? That's good. That'll probably be the tag. Yes, yes. What do you call it?

Hidden rum? I might call it hidden rum's good or every other weekend rum. Oh, that's good. That's good. Partial. What could you call it? Panic rum? No, no.

That's a negative. Or you could call it child support. Uh-huh. I'm trying to get more into court lingo. Right, right. You're not my real it child support. Aha. I'm trying to get more into court lingo. Right, right. You're not my real rum? Yeah. Okay.

That was a big reason you quit, right? No. What? No. What were you doing? My dad was alcoholic? Yeah. No, I quit because I loved doing comedy.

Yeah. And I just was like, oh, I'm going to be one of those guys where if i drink like right now i'll be i would have been living in like syracuse with a lady i got pregnant right drinking and being like sam and mark thinking they're so fucking great oh fuck we're on we should do the same shows you were a fun drunk you got the weed yeah that's what saved my life. You were. That's the thing. I smoked a lot of weed. A lot of fun drunks don't quit. And you were a good, you were never bad vibes ever. It started getting like, I started getting a little chippy. Really?

Yeah, I started getting a little chippy. Never around me. No, I never saw it. I'd just get chippy with people I didn't really like and it started coming out. And then I was like, I should probably smoke weed. Wow. Because I was smoking weed already. Right.

Because I started with weed, booze came in, and then booze came out. Well, I watch fistfights online probably too much, and it's all booze-fueled. There's not anybody at a library like, let's go. I got some great Twitter follows for you. Oh, please. Baked fights rules. Baked fights. Okay.

Is that high people fighting? No, it's just wild fucking fights. It's just people making pie. Yeah, on twitter baked fights i uh it's and twitter you know there's no limits no no no like instagram they edit yeah yeah the porn on twitter i can that's pretty crazy that's pretty crazy if you have follow any porn things and then you're just scrolling. Yes. And you're like, whoa! That lady's stuck in a baby's house and she's getting fucked. Right under Sam plugging his dates. I know. You look at it and you're like,

this is too much for the grocery store. Yes. I'm gonna leave this in line. Martin's so clever. Oh, shit. Or you're on an airplane and you're like, hey! They'll put some nudity in airplane movies, by the way. They are? Oh, yeah. There's a lot of movies with nudity in uh airplane movies by the way they are oh yeah there's a lot of movies with nudity i was flying to london to do shows at the soho theater and i watched jackass

three or jackass forever and it was like the screen was so bright and it's just steve-o being like i've got bees on my nuts and he's's just like, his whole dick is covered. And he's like, oh, no. And there's just this old British lady sitting next to me being like, what are you on to? She's like, I can't stop. I'm a fucking cock. I remember watching, I remember they had Secretary on a flight one time. Have you ever seen that movie? Oh, yeah.

It's a hot movie. It's James Spade. The one about the horse? No, that's Secretary. I was like, dude, Sam's coming out. It's a hot movie. It's James Spade. The one about the horse? No, that's Secretariat. I was like, dude, Sam's coming out. He's just spanking a horse. You're like, oh, is that hot? Look at all that power.

The lady next to you is like, hey. But he's, you know, that scene where he's like, basically she makes a mistake and he keeps circling the mistakes. He's like spanking her. Oh yeah. He's bent over. He like jerks off on her. Pretty mistake and he keeps circling the mistakes. He's like spanking her. Oh, yeah. He's bent over. He like jerks off on her. Pretty hot.

Wait, that's the movie. Did you guys see the Army Hammer documentary, House of Hammer on Discovery Plus? Nah, I can't. I can't have it. That's the movie

he would make every girl watch before he would start as he was conditioning. It's a pretty good movie. It's Maggie Gyllenhaal, right? Yeah, she's great in it. Yeah, dude. That's funny

because Dahmer made you watch Exorcist. Three. Oh, three? Not even a good one. What? I make women watch Weekend at Bernie's, too. Yeah. I make them watch Comedian, the documentary.

And I go, doesn't Colin give good advice? I just rewatched that. It's so funny. That was an old bit of mine that never worked. It was, it was, it just never, ever worked. It was like, you know, I always invite women back to watch a movie and here's my, here's my trick. I only have shitty movies.

It's like before streamers. I'm like face off or weekend at Bernie's. Which one? And she's like, all right, I'll fuck you. Fine. You know, it's a Sophie's choice. It's like, I'll just fuck you to get out of these movies. Yeah.

Right. Netflix and chill. That was before Netflix and chill. Oh yeah. That was, it's weird. You have to say something to a woman. You can't just be like, let's go have sex. Sometimes you can. Now some women I think

you can just say it to. I don't know. I've tried it. Blockbuster and bus. That's good. That's pretty good. That's not bad. You look like you have a big brain with that hand. You look like you can move things with your mind. Damn, these sounds. These sounds are... It's just a blues losing its luster though just hit them early

just in case oh there it is now it's warm what else do we have give us another one gotta hit it hard oh that's a good one that's the one up dude let's see if i can guess them i'm gonna shut my eyes i mean we know that that's a classic theme song. Oh, it's classic. Death? Yep. Death. That's through a tube. Yeah.

Is that through a tube? No, it says Mario oof. Fuck. We got hit. What else you got? That's through a tube. That's my favorite. Fuck, you're good.

That's a star? You got a star? Oh, that was such a happy, temporary... Gold coin, obviously. Death? Oh, it is death. Alright, I'm switching to Super Mario Bros. Death?

I can hear the vaginas drying. Hey, Stinky! We'll lose it all over. It'd be funny if it's just like super Italian-American views. It'd be like, the election was stolen! I'm fighting to do nothing to the president! Yeah, I wonder... Oh, that's a good one.

The queen? This is N64, I think. Oh, wow. Do you think Italians like. The queen? This is N64, I think. Oh, wow. Do you think Italians like Mario or hate? Love him. Really? You gotta love him. He's a plumber.

He's a lovable guy. He's very lovable. The movie was terrible. Remember John Leguizamo, Dennis Hopper? Pure money grab for Dennis Hopper. Yeah. As Koopa? Now they got the new one coming out with Chris Pratt.

And he doesn't even do the Mario voice. Oh. He just goes like, hey, I'm Mario. Oh, that's appalling. Hey, I'm a plumber. Ooh, I'd give him shit for that, too. I think it would be funny if someone online tries to say that Mario Brothers is union propaganda. Ha, ha, ha, the plumbing.

Yeah, if you're like- Why do you think it's Sebastian to play him? He would have been like a perfect Mario. Nah, he's too handsome. know, why did you think of Sebastian to play him? He would have been like a perfect Mario. He's too handsome. No, but it's voiceover. Chris Pratt? Oh, it's animated. I'm an idiot.

I thought it was a live action. Isn't he a handsome guy? No, he's handsome, but I thought it was real, you know, motion picture. Did you steal the prince? All right, now that you do that, it might be too much. Mario. Oh, wow. Yeah, this is it. You got to do that, it might be too much. Mario. Oh, wow. Yeah, this is it.

You've got to do the voice. He is an epic, it's an epic character. Oh, yeah. You need a guy being like, SME. Yeah, but he's Japanese, right? That's where it's made. I mean, Nintendo's Japanese. So it's funny to think that it's Japanese people being racist towards Italians.

That's what I'm saying. What a fun workout. Yeah. Yeah. Look at that italian american definition league i made character that's like that's like their that's like what they tell their children so many levels of racism it's a sandwich dude good luck come find me in this casserole. But I think he's so likable. And the sound effects, you can't hate him. You can't find racism in him. I just love the idea that that's what Japanese parents told their kids they would be if they didn't do well.

You would be a Japanese, you would be Italian primer. I will not, father. I will do better. Well, that's why there's a dragon in it, because that's where the Japan comes in. We ought to put something Japanese in this. Lizards that eat coins and fucking dragons. Will do better well that's why there's a dragon in it because that's where the Japan comes in Dragon It is like you want certain some of this old video game shit You're like yeah, this is if you're a dad our age, and you take your kid. You're at least like all right Well, this is my childhood. This is my shit, but that's what's weird now is so much shit is made for when we were kids

I know. That we're like forcing kids. Remember how we used to make our parents watch us play video games? Yep. Like, watch me play this. And they're like, I don't, I don't get, dude, I lived in the 60s. Right. And then now we do that, but with our kids.

Yeah. We're like, hey, watch it. Then they're like, all right. I don't kind of want to play. The amount of technology now is like, it's insane. Like, because now if it just doesn't work immediately, I'm like, what the fuck? What the fuck? That's how dependent you are on it.

Right, right. Dude, that Louis bit. That's the classic bit. It aged so good. The Wi-Fi. Yeah, give it a second. Yeah. I was in the deli the other day, and I'm like, I'm so used to just, you're just used to it

working. So when it doesn't work, you don't even think. So I put my, I was listening to an audio book on movies in like the 60s and I put my headset in and it doesn't connect. I didn't even realize it didn't connect. And I shit you not, the part it doesn't connect for is some editor for Sam Peckinpah and Robert Altman movies. And he goes, you know what the difference between Peckinpah and Robert Altman is?

Peckinpah is a prick and Robert Altman's a cunt. Wow. I just had people in the store hear that line. Really? Yeah. That's fucking hilarious. But it was a fun, I was like, this is the perfect line. Yeah.

Just one guy signing it. No one paid attention. No one like gives a shit. One guy signing it and doesn't look up. He goes, he's not wrong. I'm a picking puff. That was a grip on the wild bunch. Yeah.

Yeah, dude. It's like if it doesn't, if my internet doesn't work on my phone i get like huffy i get crazy and it's gotten worse of course yeah you expect it it's weird somebody uh neil de crass tyson had a great point he was watching a horror movie with his kid his kid's like five and you know he's running from the monster gets in the car and it doesn't start and he's like dad why didn't the car start and he's like oh cars used to not start sometimes yeah he's getting like a prius and it just yeahop, boop, boop. Yeah, connecting.

Yeah, so we're just so used to things working perfectly. It's crazy how quickly technology goes to where you'll see, you'll be watching like a movie or a show from four years ago and you're like, that's like an old iPhone. What the fuck is that? Oh, yeah. Even the way the cameras are. Jay brought it up on the bonfire recently. He's like, you look at sports highlights from like 1994.

Oh, my God. They had shitty cameras. So grainy. I remember the bonfire recently. He's like, you look at sports highlights from like 1994. Oh, my God. Shitty camera. So grainy. I remember the first HD camera or the first HD TV I saw was at college. This rich kid had one. And I walked in. He's watching SportsCenter. I was like, Jesus, this is fucking crazy looking.

It will fuck us, though, because like it looks great now, but it's going to keep going. And you're going to be like, you're going to be on TV doing a set. You're like, look at that fucking scar from 1988. Look at that mole. You'll be able to see everything. Every yellowness of your tooth. I don't know. The makeup will keep getting better too.

That's a good point. True. I don't know. That is true. But it'll be crazy to watch when we watch our old sets. Oh. Look how grainy. It's kind of cool that we have them though.

That we have sets from before shit looked really good. I got tapes. I have VHS. Oh God, I have a mini DVD. Wow. Do you think it's harder for kids of this generation to watch like a movie from the 60s oh yeah i think it was hard in the way that it was hard for us to watch stuff from the 70s but i love that shit i love those yeah mark and i are obsessed so maybe they are maybe they will maybe they'll love shit because the 90s are coming back around again now that's true but

the difference is when we watched you know raging bull or whatever the hell from the 70s you didn't have eight million zillion things coming at you that day yeah from the from the present you know like new movies came out but it wasn't like this onslaught well people i think people want to watch good shit less because they just want to go home and space out they're like oh i'll throw something on i'll scroll tiktok while i watch so you don't want to watch something that's like real if you want to go home and space out They're like I'll throw something on I'll scroll TikTok So you don't want to watch something that's like If you want to watch something well made You really have to just shut off And people don't want to shut off

Yeah you gotta focus Shut off everything I mean Not shut yourself off But it will be Jesus Christ, man. That's who ran out of continues. Oh, nice pull. I think.

I'm pretty sure. Somebody had no father. Yeah. Someone was raised by video games. It is. It's so hard to turn. When you turn everything off now, you feel like a Tibetan monk. Yeah.

Look at me disconnected. I know. My phone's in the other room. I'm like, God, I'm so present. And you have to let everybody know. You have to go back online. Look at me. I I know my phone's in the other room. I'm like I'm so Present and you have to let everybody know if you go back Watch a foreign film now, I feel like I just did three years in a fucking monastery So intelligent reading a book reading an actual book like a paper book It's I do it before bed and it fucking is great

It helps you can't help you can't I can't fall sometimes I watch a funny show before bed to watch something light, but like if you read a book before bed You just it's so much easier to sleep. Yes true if I watch a show. I do blue light glasses because we say My prescribed nasal spray. That helps me sleep better. You know what I'm into? My rec for the week. It's a me.

Sleep apnea. I get to everybody. My rec is prunes. I'm a big prune guy. You know, for me, Viagra. I love getting old, dude. You guys like Belvita cookies? Oh, so much.

Cookies with nothing else. Just well-baked cookies. No! My grandparents would eat Snackwells. That was the greatest. They were trying to stay fit, and they couldn't give up dessert. That was big. I took down Snackwells.

My mom was always dieting, so I always had Weight Watchers or Snackwells snacks. They were worse for you, by the way. Were they sugar is that less calories i would have uh weight watchers fudgesicles oh that sounds nice they were good yeah that sounds i mean look it's not horrible but it was it wasn't you have an oreo after one of those you're like this is dog shit i know i know it's like heroin you you back to the thing. There was literally an Instagram page called Hot Guys Reading, and they'd show a guy on the subway reading a book. That's how rare it is. It's like, ooh, look at this hunk. He's smart.

He can read. Dude, Hot Guys Reading. Let's check out Hot Guys Reading. I don't know if it's still around, but it was a page. It's got to be. Girls just flicking their bean to thoughtful dudes. There it is. It'd be great if they're just reading dumb shit, too

He's like just he's a book you like RL Stein the hell reading the pickup artist Also shows the difference between men and women you know we're like let's look at these hot chicks flicking their their assholes Yeah shit, and they're like hey look at these guys with books Now they're hilarious. Oh, it is. It's just honks reading. Yeah. Wow. Wow. This is insane.

That's how rare it is to read. Also, you get really nervous that you're going to click on a picture and see your girlfriend being like... How do you feel about people just taking photos of strangers on the train? It's weird. It's pretty weird. People have gotten too comfortable with it. Taking one of you? No, just anyone. Just taking photos of strangers on the train. I's weird. It's pretty weird. People have gotten too comfortable with it. Taking one of you?

No, just anyone. Just taking photos of strangers on the train. Oh, that's weird. I think it's a weird move. It is weird. You can't get caught, that's for sure.

Oh, you've gotten caught taking a picture of somebody? Oh, yeah. Really? What are you going to do with that? What's that? Wait, wait, wait. Delete that.

I'm like, okay. Or are you just like, the way you acted off where you go, oh, it's a phone. Yes, yes. Could you try to shoot it down here? Dude, I'm sorry. I was going to say you look like skinny Mario

Batali. I just wanted to make my girlfriend wet, so I had to take this picture. Right, right. By the way, pull out that candy ranking, will you? Let me get a potato chip first. Oh!

What the hell? What a spooky surprise. No! We have Betty White's body. Oh, man. Luckily, I'm a necrophilia. Yeah. It's a victimless crime.

It is. It's really just, you know, it's no calories. This cap has hurt my head. All right, so we're ranking some candies. Is that what we're doing? What are we starting with? This is right here? These are the ones in the bag. Oh, in the bag? Yeah. Dude, you guys are coming to a... ranking some candies? Is that what we're doing? What are we starting with? This is right here?

Oh, in the bag? Dude, you guys are coming to a... Hand me a Reese's just so I can eat it. You guys are coming to the right guy. Alright. So we have to guess and then move on. Oh, give me that one. Because take five, what you're holding in your right hand, go ahead and put it at number one. No.

I don't even need to see what this is going to be my committee so we do have so good if koopa and fucking yoshi can agree we are two different types of dragons he's he's suny dragon i'm shi, Matt. What are you, Ray Rice? Just fucking. He just does one to those of us. Big cup. Big cup. Let's get something about a three musketeer. I'm going to tell you something.

I'm already putting this shit last. Thank you. Get rid of it. My shitty half uncle likes that. You have to try this. Throw it out the window. I'm going to tell you right now. Three musketeers, here's what you want to do.

Uh-oh. It's like feeling for avocados. When you go to a gas station And you feel a three musketeer Give it a little push that is a hot headed thing. I've never heard Make sure it dents a little bit And then you got yourself a good three musketeer good call good call. I'm taking this one home. That's a soft 100 grand

Not a top five i think snickers is up there in the top three top it's a top five for sure i know it's uh there's a bar called top five in there really take five sorry take five this is all right take five is excellent Take five is in the top five. I would go ahead and put it first. All right. We'll vote on this. What is a take five? Payday. I don't even know why this is here.

Take five is every candy bar you can imagine in one glorious bar. The hermaphrodite. Yeah. It's got both, dude. You can suck, fuck. You can do whatever you want. Payday. Oh, I do.

Payday is the candy bar that is left last in a vending machine yeah i'm a big twix guy dude love twix twix to me is easily top five now we gotta get into it sour patch oh they're classics and i'm gonna say this so it's permanently on record i had an ex-girlfriend teach me that if you take sour patch kids and dump it into popcorn at the movies, it's delicious. Since then, Luis J. Gomez has said that it's his that he created. It's not. I can give you the woman's name, address, and phone number. And she was the one that told me back in 2015.

That's an amazing discovery. It's so good if you just dump Sour Patch Kids in popcorn and mix it up. I do chocolate in there, but I've never done the Sour Patch Kids. Yeah, that's too much. That's like a speedball i can't handle that you'll love it i don't know i did it during top gun this sounds like some silver guy shit this is like in a recovery meeting you're like sometimes i want to get a fix you guys brought me in right you brought me in for the candy episode yeah all right twix is a fucking just so it's i mean that's a tough love twix love snickers damn i don't want to disrespect these are the ones we're ranking right kit kat's garbage it's

not garbage i don't do garbage but it's not great i mean first off hundred grand you forget these things they're bangers oh we're gonna get a good the middle. We're going to lose a foot on this app. Unbelievable. Hey, folks. We Might Be Drunk is brought to you by Diet Smoke. We're going to take a break and tell you guys about Diet Smoke. It is the solution to avoid the, oh, shit, I'm way too high moments. Been there. Diet Smoke makes Delta-8, THC, Delta-9, THC,bd products that are perfectly balanced the gummies drinks

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They're killer. Go dot factor 75.com slash drunk 130 use drunk 130 to get 135 bucks off six boxes that's code drunk 130 at go dotactor75.com. All right. I hope I got that right. Yeah, it's go.factor75.com slash drunk130. Thank you. I don't like Twix. I know I'm in the minority, but I don't like them. What?

I don't like the crunchy, wafer-y bullshit. You don't like crunch? No. It's crunch with caramel and chocolate. I hate hard food. I put Twix. A hundred grand is good, but you got to put Twix ahead of it. Give me that a hundred grand.

I took a bite. You got to go the other end. I'm fine with it. This is very underrated. This right here? Peanut M&M's could sneak into the top three. Whoa! I could see it too.

It's that good. Yeah. Top three. Peanut M&M's is a fucking classic, and I like that you can keep picking at it. I like that. They go hard. They go hard they go hard in the paint we'll have a pain in them all right all right right now are we all more chocolate

than gummy yeah is that i mean i love swedish fish you want to get into it swedish fish fucking rule over sour patch oh no way but then you're also stuck picking them them out of your teeth for the next few hours true you got a lot of fillings you're fucked with picking them out of your teeth for the next few hours. True. If you've got a lot of fillings, you're fucked with Swedish Fish. Don't pull that shit out. Sour Patch Kids are... Here's the deal. Sour Patch Kids, Swedish Fish are heroin. These are fucking...

Dude, these are classics. I mean, you can't go wrong with a peanut M&M. This is heroin. Swedish Fish is heroin. Gets sticky. Sometimes it's hard to use. Really in a pinch. Sour Patch Kids, fentanyl.

It's just a little bit. Harmless. Really in a pinch. Sour Patch Kids, fentanyl. It's just a little bit. Harmless. It's hot packing. You're going to get a lot of sugar. You're going to get fucking nuts on this. Keep those away from Quigley. These are better than the classic. The watermelon Sour Patch Kids?

Oh, yeah. This is that Chinese fentanyl. Yeah. The shit that they'll reship you if you get caught. I don't fuck with Sour Patch. That's not for me. Your boy's about to get the shit that they'll reship you if you get caught. I got you in a sec. I don't fuck with a shower pad. That's not for me. Your boy's about to get some fucking diarrhea from us. Oh, yeah.

You ready? I can't wait to take unnecessary. Yeah, dude. Hit me with one. Shoot it up, dude. Come on. Shoot it all over your keys. Ready?

Er, er, er. Oh! Om-lop, om-lop. I got to make the Yoshi noise. Om-lop. There you go. Oh. Hold on Let me see if I can do it Let me see if I can do it with full costume

That was close, that was an inch An inch away Okay, now we got it again One more Oh, I hit it out Come on, Yoshi Wow, if that would have gone in Oh, hit it out. Come on, Yoshi. Wow, if that would have gone in, I would have blown all of you.

These are fucking phenomenal. All right, well, we got to try this. Watermelon might be ahead of regular. Get him away from me. I'm just going to start it off. All right, I'll try. Get him away from me. Who are you, my aunt? We're going to start with this.

Payday. Not even on the list. I don't think. Because we're going to start like this. We're going to get direct deposit. Take five. Got to show Starburst respect. Absolutely.

Take five. Put take five at one. This is heroin or fentanyl. That's fucking good, dude. That's fentanyl. I'm telling you, popcorn. Don't listen to Louis J. fucking good, dude. That's fentanyl. I'm telling you, and popcorn. Don't listen to Louis J. Gomez. All right.

He's killed that woman. Okay, but you gave me so many options here. So the Reese's Big Cup, are we doing the Big Cup or just regular Reese's? Just regular Reese's. I think we got to go regular because now we're getting into semantics. Just regular Reese's pieces. Here's the stoner secret. You freeze them.

Yeah. No, no, no. That's frozen candy out there, period. Charleston Chew's in the mix, though. I'm peaking, by the way. I'm twitching out. I'm not well. I'm like Michael J. over here.

I'm not doing well. Dude, I live off sugar. Really? You look good. No, no. With the shirt off, it's a mess. Really? Yeah.

You look like a 50s movie star. You look great clothed. Oh, my God, dude. Michael Caine. I'm just a bowl of pudding. Pull up Michael Caine and Alfie. You're going to shits movie star. You look great clothed. Oh, my God, dude. Michael Caine. I'm just a bowl of pudding. Pull up Michael Caine and Alfie. You're going to shit yourself. And pull up, and after that, pull up Jimmy Stewart rear window shirtless.

You're like, this is the fucking leading man. This is before Ty Bo, for sure. Oh, my God, dude. Michael Caine. I've got the sloppiest body. I love you. You've never seen. Remember Han and Her Sisters?

Yeah. That bow made me think of you. This is young Michael Caine getting shit. This is when he's supposed to be. He's a sex symbol. Have you seen his wife? No. She's hot. Still?

Yeah. Wow. She's a hot woman. Is she like Egyptian? What? That's why. Whitey doesn't age. Jimmy Stewart.

I need a shirtless. Shirtless. I mean, you can probably just get a picture, too. Yeah, yeah. You're on YouTube. That's no good. You got to go goog. All right.

What are we missing? All right. So I'm going to tell you. Kid Cat's pretty good. Fuck off. Yeah, they're probably not. All right. All right.

Fuck off, dude. Too salty. You got to show some respect to Reese's. Reese's is in top five. I agree. It's got to be. Agreed. Let's put it at five.

Is that too high? Just to start. No, I like it higher. But we can move. It's Velcro. All right, I'll tell you what. Four. Let's put it at four.

Put it at four. Put Kit Kat at five because I think everyone besides Norman will agree. I'll let you have it. I'll let you have it. He doesn't like Kit Kat, but we can all agree. I need Snickers in top three. I can do that. Let's do Snickers at two.

See, we're making trades here. I'm going on the top five two for Snicker, guys. You think over the bottom like a gay? I don't even see a Snickers here. It's right there, right in front of you. Right on top of the Sour Patch Kids. There you go. Three?

Ah, two. Put it at two. It's such a classic. It's a classic. You can't go wrong with a Snicker. It's got everything in it. Snicker, please. All right.

All right. I say 100 grand M&Ms. Put them at three for now. Put them at five. Put them at three. Get that Kit Kat out of here. I want to bump Kit Kat out. All right.

Bump Kit Kat down to six. Yeah. Norman's passionate about it. Now we're talking. Thank you. Where you been my whole life? All right. All right. John Candy. That's clever. How about Starburst, dude? You know what? about it now we're talking thank you where you been my whole life all right all right john candy that's clever dude uh oh you know what i'd say put starburst at one and oh what are you crazy

i love starburst wait can i follow up with that what flavor what color oh i'm saying but everybody has their specific now you're breaking down christianity now you're getting into i can't do artificial cherry flavor i don't know why but the reds are great i just say you're holding you're throwing the whole pack up there that's what i mean i don't care if you're orange pink or a red this is all christians out yeah get it you know what sugar is in alcohol though oh really when i quit drinking i'll i didn't drink for a month. I mean, obviously. Lost 40 pounds. Wow. Really? Because I was drinking whiskey and beer. Wow. Whiskey?

You think whiskey's just cataboy water? Your beloved Take 5, I don't know where that goes. I go with number one. It's the best candy bar. What about Twix? I'm going to have to back that up. What's back in five? You would back that up? Absolutely. And Take 5 is so underrated, too. Nobody to like nobody gets it for some would be a sleeper upset

Okay, how about I mean, where do we put the the watermelon sour patch? Kids has got to have lips they kick yes suck my dick kick Give me a break They make kick ass out of old Kit Kats. Starburst? They do. People are going to be furious. People are going to be furious about this Starburst disrespect. Well, you know what, Starburst?

You had enough. You had jelly beans. You had your gummies. You've been out here fucking around on us. Good point. So you get seven. Really? Really?

Is that? We might trade. Peter, we're going to need a producer way in here. Let me throw this at you. That's rough. I think that's a tough break. I agree with him., we're going to need a producer way in here. Let me throw this at you. That's rough. I think that's a tough break. I agree with him. But we're men.

You've got children. Now, let me say this, though. Reese's has two things in the top four. Because we're just good at business, baby. If we had pieces, I would toss them on there, too. Really? I love Reese's pieces. I'm just saying I'm willing to move Reese's because you have a number one already.

Do you know what's the most fat shit stoner thing that I do, that I used to do when I exercised regularly before the pandemic? I'd get a pint of Talenti, double dark chocolate. Oh, that's the good stuff. And then I would have a bag of Reese's Pieces. And then as I ate another Talenti, I would toss some Reese's Pieces. I got to get out of here. That sounds fucking good.

Jesus, that sounds good. Man. Can't do it anymore. Talenti is fucking- Wow. That don't work out. That's some high-end bodega shit. Yes, it really is.

Everything else is like whatever, and then you get to the Talenti, and you're like, dude. Shout out seafood in Queens. That's got to be, what, $8 for that pint? $8.99, dude. $8.99 for ice cream. Are you out of your mind? Yeah, dude. Holy shit. It's that good shit, though, dude. It's that good shit.8 for that pint? $8.99 dude. $8.99 for ice cream! Are you out of your mind? Holy shit. It's that good shit though dude. It's that good shit. It's that gelato.

Gelato is fucking nice. It is. It's ice cream with a college degree. Aha! If you get ice cream out of a fucking paper thing that's a GED. And then if it's got a top that's a high school diploma. Right. And then if it's glass and you can turn it off dude that's that thing went then if it's got a top that's a high school diploma right and then if

it's glass and you could turn it off dude that's that thing went to ivy league yeah i used to do i used to do a bit about biscotti that's like the other chips ahoy is regular cookie and biscotti i studied abroad same with panini like a you know construction guy panini's like i'm bisexual i learned i'm bisexual in Rome. Right, right. All right. Something about the smush sandwich is all hot.

It's like a face smashed into a couch. It's great. Yay! We all got boners. That was the boner sound. Huh? Okay, I mean,

I think, yeah, I agree that payday and good and plenty don't even... Get out of here. I'm not high on Swedish fish either. I didn't fight in Vietnam get out of here good and plenty I Didn't travel the Nang River

Can we get some CCR playing? I'll tell you they call you a baby killer if you eat good and plenty. Okay, now. Diggy-ma, diggy-ma. I don't even like it. It's licorice covered in candy. Oh, no. Hey, there you go.

All right, okay. Where are we at? We're doing pretty good. We're moving. I'm going to say Three Musketeers. Over, over. I don't, I think Kit Kat's ahead of Three Musketeers.

Is that crazy? Three Musketeers is, Three Musketeers is, here it is.'t, I think Kit Kat's ahead of Three Musketeers. Is that crazy? Three Musketeers is, here it is. When it's soft, it's great. Unlike a dick. It's the opposite of a dick. Yeah, you want a soft Three Musketeers. Got it. I want a hard Reese's Cup.

Yeah, there you go. Okay. You want a hard, you slut. Throbbing. Yeah. Veiny. How about that Snickers vein? That made the round.

I'm a size queen, so give me a big mouth. You like big tits. Or also, have you seen the ones where they shove the Reese's Pieces into it? The DP of candy? Oh, no. Where they put Reese's Pieces into... Oh, yeah, I've seen it. Oh, what is that?

Mr. Marcus? Is this disrespectful to put $100,000 at $10,000, though? Yes. No, it's not. I say put it at $10,000.,000 at $10,000, though? Yes. No, it's not. I say put it at $10,000. Is Kit Kat $10,000? Well, here's the thing. Let's put them up on the board, and then we'll move them around.

All right. But Three Musketeers at $8,000, I feel like, is a solid move. So does our guest. We've got to honor our guest. But we can move it around. Are you hearing this, moms? When your kids are trick-or-treating, hook them up. This is the list.

Yeah. Don't use that candy apple. The old skanks. What do you think? I mean, this is, is this, what do you think of this list? I think Kit Kat, here's the thing about, Norman swayed my vote on Kit Kat. All right. He really made me see that it's kind of a shit candy.

I don't think it is. Not, it's wafer. Let's have this conversation. It's cheap shit. I love wafers though. Yeah. A good vanilla chocolate wafer. If you get the real wafer shit.

If it's airy. Airy. Airy Spears. It's making little kids oil their feet or whatever. I like a dessert that can do a DMX impression. I like a candy that does 90 minutes on a Wednesday.

The comedy club staff hates them. No kids going to his house on Halloween. Or he's got the best candy. Oh, yeah. He's got Godiva. Is that a Tell's joke? Ferrio Rocher. Holy shit.

Halloween is the Super Bowl for pedophiles? Oh, yeah. That is a Tell's joke. Dude, Swedish Fish didn't make the cut, and I'm okay with that. I think it's overrated. Good and Plenty's doesn't even belong here. Good and Plenty's. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Good and Plenty's doesn't even belong here. Good and Plenty's. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Good and Plenty's, that's like... You give it to prisoners. That's like college loans. It's a candy that our parents' generation gave us that's just a burden. Right. Thanks, Boomer. Yeah, that's Boomer fuel. Let's all try one just to see how it is.

All right, all right. Let's have some Boomer fuel. Boomer sounds like a candy. It does. Sounds better than Good & Plenty. It looks like medicine. It probably was. It tastes like medicine.

It's liquor. Isn't it black liquor? You know what? It's actually not. Oh, that's too many. Sorry. I actually don't hate it. It's a weapon at this point.

It really does look like- It's not horrible. With my Good & Plenty. But it's not horrible. With my good and bad. But it's bad liquid. With my good and plenty, my penis works all the time. Give me one. How did we not get Twizzlers on here? Those are classics.

Ew. Ew. It's better than I thought it would be, but it's not on the list. I hate black liquor. It's disgusting. I like it. Yeah, it feels like I'm chewing road tar. The Scandinavians love fucking black licorice.

Do they? They have no soul. They love licorice. They're genocide. Yeah, they're like, well, it is so cold up here that we must eat licorice. Yeah, you been to Ikea? Yeah. Okay.

Here's my only issue now. Starburst has a whole bunch of flavors. We're going one flavor here. But Sour Patch, I think, represents the brand. All right. Interesting. What's the bonus round over there? We do have a bonus slot.

Swedish Fish would fit nicely. Is that just like honorable mention? Yeah, we got to give them some love, I guess. All right. I'm fine with that. I agree with that. Now, here, we can talk about this top five. Twix ain't going gonna break the top four because

norman's not on board sorry that's fine it's my committee it's my committee that's fine that's fine i would say i like the way this looks i think this is a good this is a classic i mean you have to give credit here's my only issue with take five. These two have stood the test of time. Sure they have. But you know what? It's about reinvention. It's about adding. It's about Reese's was like, I got new stuff. Right. Sure you love the classic hour, but you want to see him do good new stuff.

So what you're saying is. Why is it tell the best comedian of all time? Lenny Bruce. Because he keeps pumping out good new stuff. This is Madonna. Yeah. Reinventing. Twix is kind of like, Twix showed up and everyone was like, no one's going to top this.

Yeah, and it got lazy. It coasted. Tried doing cookies and cream. Whoa, have you done the Hershey's cookies and cream though? Oh, that one's awesome. That's a fucking banger. Also, we don't have like Crunch and Hershey's bars. Hershey's should be on it.

That's a classic. I would also say, I'm back on classic M&M recently they're good they're very good yeah they they have the peanut have you had the peanut butter one i love it anything peanut butter i'm on board with i'll tell you what's underrated is a fucking you ever have a crackle oh i love a crack crackles great the bag of those those little ones i love that bag with the a Mr. Goodbar? Goodbar, yeah. That's the elite Halloween candy. Get a bag of that mix with the Mr. Goodbar and the Hershey bars. The variety. Look, he left. He got so mad at us.

Are we just losing Salicus? Oh, yeah. Sorry, dude. Have fun. Have fun with Johnny Depp. Johnny Depp photo shoot. Can I say that? Okay, okay. Wait, it's with Depp? Yeah.

Wait, really? He's in New York? Oh, yeah. He's doing the trial. The retrialing. No, it's me. Tell him to come on the bonfire. We've talked about him for... Tell him to come on the bonfire.

Is he? Would he come on We Might Be Drunk? I'm going to tell him about it. I'll say I'm coming directly for him. We might be drunk. But also let him know that we had a podcast during the pandemic called Sixth and Jump where we re-watched 21 Jump Street.

That's a great idea, but I would open with We Might Be Drunk. Yes, yes. But just let them know that the bonfire is available on SiriusXM, Channel 103, Monday through Friday. And We Might Be Drunk is available everywhere. So just your option. Dude, tell them to have a spot of purple and just relax. Also, quote anything by Hunter S. Thompson and he'll love you.

Oh, dude. Also, call him the good doctor. What does that mean? You like that? He just called him the good doctor. Tell him I think The Rum Diaries was his best work. It sucked. And it was an incomplete Hunter S. Thompson novel.

Oh, they published it after he died. All right. All right. Happy Halloween. Happy Halloween, Dad. This is going to break the internet. This is going to be like Kanye and Tucker Carlson talking. This is going to be like Kanye and Pete.

Yeah. All candy bars matter. Yeah. Yes. Now, can we get a year? What year is Snickers established? Or even M&M or Reese's? You know what M&M, how M&M got made?

They put a little bit in them because the candy shell, they could last longer. So they give them to the troops. So they put them in their lunch pails. So they're patriotic. That does. Man. That really is freedom. 30.

That's almost 100 years. Still going. How long? Okay. How long with M&M's? It's 90. I bet M&M's is longer. 92 years.

Yes. Yes. Did you see how long it took me to do that, man? Yeah. I get it. I am dumb. Original M&M's. 41. 41. Did you see how long it took me to do that, man? Yeah, I get it. I am dumb. Original M&M's, 41. 41, so Snickers right now.

Wow. How about a Hershey bar? That's got to be the longest. That's got to be. That's all American right there. Pennsylvania, baby. 1894. 1894.

That should be on the list. Do you think? Out of respect, we should add a Hershey bar. Yeah, but you know what, though? That's like watching Lenny Bruce. They're like, I know it did a lot for us that's when i go back but there needs to be a foundational piece yes yes i would probably go bonus as hershey bars i now here's my question clark bar was 150 years 1761 was a clark mark reggie jackson was the face of Clark. Really? Really? Yankees, baby. They used to hate blacks.

Obviously. I think, when was Reese's Peanut Butter Cup? Because I wonder if it's going to be older than we expect or younger than we expect. It's going to be later. I'm thinking 60s, 70s. Oh, God. 1928. Oh, it was way off.

Woo, it's older than Snickers. Wow, it beats Snick. That's big. I mean, that almost... That's big. That is huge. We can't have Reese's in the top two. Reese was a former employee of Hershey, and he broke away.

Damn. You gotta love that. Then now there's friction between, you know, the Hershey's. Oh, man, look at this. Is there a good book on the candy bar wars? There's gotta be. We're about to write one. Yeah.

We're about to sit around eating candy and getting fat and then write a candy freak. It's like entourage. Yeah, I think Lizzo wrote it. All right. Well, I think we got a hot list here. That is pretty good. Candy freak. Did we miss anything else?

I mean, listen, we can get into it because, as I've told you, there's Hi-Chews, which are like Japanese starbursts. I would told you, there's Hi-Chews, which are like Japanese Starbursts. I would expect you to say that dress is Yoshi. Is Skittles even in the running? I love Skittles. All right. I would put Skittles in my top five.

Wow. I fucking. How about Sour Skittles? Yeah, it's all Skittles. What about Jolly Ranch? Nah. Those are a little weak. Nah, those were better when you were a kid because you could hide candy.

It was for hiding in class. Green apple and watermelon were dope, though. Watermelon Jolly Rancher fucking slaps. Very good when you infuse vodka with Jolly Rancher, by the way. That's true. Big thing. I would also say, like, I mean, you could get fancy with the chocolate. You could go, you know, like Lind.

You ever had a Lind? I don't know what a Lind is. Lind, L-I-N-D-T. Jeremy Lind? Yeah, Jeremy Lind. You should have came out with, Lind should have came out with Jeremy Lindballs. Oh, Lind. Lind.

Oh, shit. How do you say it, Lind? I don't know. I've never read it before, but I'm a dove man myself. God, dove chocolate is unbelievable. I know. This is like, this is 1% chocolate we're talking yeah yeah yeah right right we're talking every man this is bezos shit yeah this is on a boat in the china sea he's having shit we've never even heard

that's true he's having mars chocolate like actual mars chocolate he's having like cacao healthy yes yes you know it's crazy this actually makes me more ripped gives me muscle definition. No one knows about this yet. No one does. What is that circular gold ball? That candy? That's the Ferrero Rocher that you took.

Oh, sorry. Okay, I've never said that name out loud. You've never said out loud. You just devoured it. I'm too scared to say it. I got one for you. I get it. I can't believe we haven't mentioned it.

I think it's a classic. The Butterfinger. Oh, that is a big one. Love a Butterfinger. What about Heath's? A Heath bar. Heath is solid. Throw some Heath in coffee ice cream or vanilla ice cream.

Throw some Heath in a fucking chocolate blizzard. Yeah. Or in a vanilla blizzard. Come get it. Is it hard to break in? Like, we invented a chocolate bar. This is what we're talking about, boys. You guys are getting in the hooch game.

I know. Let's get over to this fucking sweet treats. You're right. I'll tell you what. Just use my mind. Hook hook up wires to it and i'll lay in a tub like weird science yeah and i'll or like minority report with the oracles i'll just lay in a tub with other stoners yeah delicious things you're laying in a tub of eggnog it's like a milkshake it's an old vanilla let's try the payday just so we, because I feel bad that we, I think we got to, if we're going to trash it, we have to try it. Well, get ready for something that was popular when Brown v. Board hit the fucking thing.

Yeah, we should be in charge of abortion. I mean, look what we can do. Look at this shitty. It's just like old peanuts. Look at this shitty candy bar. Look at this. This is, do you know what this is? This is dog food.

This is Schlitz beer candy. Is it that bad? My dad likes Schlitz, or he likes Payday. It's all right. It's peanut butter and caramel. I want to try it. I haven't had this forever. You feed a horse when it wins, when it loses.

You put a wreath on it and give it to Payday? It's not very good. No. We have to know what we're trashing. Yeah, no, you're right. You're a wreath on it and give it a payday? It's not very good. No. Well, we have to know what we're trashing. Yeah, no, you're right. You're right. I like that. All right.

Wow. I'm having a crash. Yeah, it's not good. No. Dude, I'm going to have cocaine energy on the bonfire. I'm like, you're honest. Yeah. What was that?

Remember that one you lick and you dip it? Fun dip? Fun dip. That was fucking fire. It's better than it's, you remember it better than it actually was. It was the original. Remember Pixie Stix? Just a fucking jack.

That was coke. That was coke for kids. Yeah, all the kids you saw doing the Pixie Stix, all are dead now. Coincidence? Coincidence. They went Pixie Stix, autoerotic asphyxiation. To the kids that would make themselves pass out? Yeah.

I did that. Remember that? I remember that. Yeah, yeah. Those kids now are just adding this to it. That's true. That's great. I left the kid with a pixie stick, and he's like, dude.

Offering the teacher to suck his dick for a better grade. Come on, man. It ain't molestation if I touch you. Hit it, Peters. Yeah. That was mushroom. Hell yeah. You hear when...

That is like, I think, what a kid pictures coming feels like. Yeah. It's like, I'm getting bigger. I'm in a mushroom. That's what we're calling it now. I'm a mushroom. This is when you're... This is when you're fucking All these sounds

When you're banging And then when you jizz too early It's Oh this is Mario Kart Oh that's the The gun yeah Don't burn out Yeah

That's like Oh you're so beautiful Let me go down on you now I'm so sorry I'm so sorry You're so beautiful Your compliment's gonna save him I'm so sorry you're so beautiful your compliment's gonna save him it's so beautiful I'm so sorry

it's the only compliment followed by an apology it is a compliment jizzing early yeah or the other one is like my reload time is crazy you make the false promises give me 30 minutes let's throw on an episode of Seinfeld.

Now that we're bearing down on 40, it really becomes like a, well, that's all we got. Yeah, give me till Wednesday. Yeah. I'll be back on Wednesday. You're just an old sea captain now. You're from an Uzi to a fucking bazooka. Yeah. One shot.

One shot. That's true. You're a sniper. Right. Take the shot. You miss, sorry. Can't hesitate. But you do learn precision. Yeah, you're a sniper. Take the shot. You miss, sorry. Can't hesitate. But you do learn precision.

Yeah, you do, and to hold your breath. Yeah. I used to date this gal. We kind of had a thing, and she was the only girl I knew. I'm not great in bed, but if you put it in, she'd be like, and it was over, and you could just have your way. It was heaven on earth. What uncle primed her for life?

She was a soul cycle chick, I remember. So I think the bike got her all primed up all day. That's it. And then I got over there, and it was just easy peasy. That sees work in the clit. Then you come and you finish the job. She comes in. It was so easy.

Like a cat in heat. Yeah. And I felt like what a girl must feel like. Like, oh, jeez, you're done. But the beauty is women can just stay there. Is that why women like cycling more than men? It's much more comfortable in the vagina than it is in the balls. Oh, probably.

That's a great point. My question is, does she talk dirty like it's SoulCycle? Or is she like, okay, got a big one coming up. I need you to fuck, Mark. Go, girl. I need you to fart. Fuck it. Get it in. Now pick up the weights yeah let's go

the irony she's like you don't need no man i'm like wait what let's go team who else is here there's a big black guy waiting behind me let's get this going man i feel like that's a good list i know we threw it together fast solid sch. Schindler's List, right here. Who are we saving? I don't, yeah, I do feel bad. I think Starburst is a classic. I do feel bad having it all the way up here.

All right, you know what? Switch it with Twix. That's what I was thinking. Really? I like that. Mark, do you agree? But you love Twix? I think Twix is a fun.

I would say Twix is top five for me personally. Me too. Okay. All too. Okay. All right. I'm with you. You know what the hell. I think Starburst just went against a lot of good Biggie schools. You know what?

Yes. That is true. Biggie schools. Starburst had a harder schedule. Yeah. Okay. Twix is a fucking classic. Oh, Frieza Twix.

That's a good fucking candy bar, too. I thought the Twix candy bar Was underrated too You know which one's great That my girlfriend does What Frozen Charleston Chew I said that before It's amazing

What the hell's a Charleston Chew Oh you pull on them They're fucking Charleston Chews are great They're like chalky though A little bit A little chalky I guess when you freeze them

They kind of go Yeah The mini ones are bad bitches You gotta update your package. That package is so dated. I love it. It's classic. Sweet Tart Rope, I'm going to tell you right now, the best candy on the market, and it's

hard to find, are Sweet Tart Rope Bites. This shit, I will siphon gas for you. That's heavy duty. That's how good Sweet Tart Rope Bites. You can siphon it with a rope. Well, here's what the rope bites are. These are the ropes sweet tart rope bites are little ones that are then rolled in sour sugar Jesus Christ nerds nerds

those blue sweet tart rope bites Wow it's pure can we get Matt can we get those next week I just want to try them. I'm going to tell you where they sell them. LaGuardia Terminal C. Damn, that's a road dog right there. You know the Terminal Airport candy selection? Yeah, dude. We landed in Phoenix and Vito goes, this looks like a nice Shake Shack.

I'm like, we have such sad lives. That's a nice one. A nice Shake Shack. That's hilarious. Kill me. But yeah, if you go to the big market at LaGuardia Terminal C, the Delta, you can get some sweet tart rope bites. Because pretty much, they're off the shelves.

Is it like a real rope? No, it's just a little bite. Oh, okay. And it's got the white, chewy shit surrounded by tart. Fuck, it's good. Damn. I think Twizzlers took a stab at this type of shit, chewy shit surrounded by tart. Fuck, it's good. Damn. I think Twizzlers took a stab at this type of shit, too, like the salad. So did Airheads, and Airheads missed big time.

Airheads back in the day, though, was a banger. I'm back on Airheads. Yeah. That was actually Halloween candy, too. Airheads was great. This is a great sober episode. I'd get the big bag for Halloween. They're the minis too

yep can i can i make a point that's not popular i understand we're in halloween right now easter's the best candy holiday whoa i'm more of a passover man but we get it chocolate matzo bro listen it's a it's a goy's day for candy. No, the eggs are phenomenal. Really? You're putting these eggs over this? Mini eggs. Mini eggs. The mini eggs are good. Cadbury mini eggs. What about Kinder eggs?

Kinder eggs are all right. Now, when you're checking out- Cadbury mini eggs are better than anything on this list. When I'm checking out at CVS around Easter, you best believe I'm grabbing a mini egg. The mini eggs are solid. I'll go full egg, too. I'll go full Cadbury egg. Whoa.

Even the bunny I like. Oh, dude. Straight up chocolate bunny. Those Dunkin' Donuts fucking jelly beans, by the way, are dog shit. I'll go full egg, too. I'll go full Cadbury egg. Whoa. Even the bunny I like. Oh, dude. Straight up chocolate bunny. Those Dunkin' Donuts fucking jelly beans, by the way, are dog shit. I got it. How are we not all 400 pounds when we've all tried this shit? What about oatmeal cream pies? Love them.

You know they made an oatmeal cream pie? No, no, no. Cookies are fair. It's a sweet. It's Halloween. There's Fluffernutter in it. It's a candy. Hold on, though.

But that's a whole different list. Oatmeal cream pie, which, by the the way made famous in honey i shrunk the kids when that's right when they find it and feed the ant that that's how they control the ant that's right through food oatmeal cream pie we got covid katie and i got covid at the same time is this the utah wise guys covid yeah and we diduff. That Mormon COVID. Yeah, it's that fucking multiple wives COVID. Yeah. You get COVID and then you soak inside your girlfriend. You're like, oh, don't move.

We GoPuffed because they would deliver to your door. Whoa. And so we didn't have to have contact with anybody. GoPuff had for like four days, maybe five days, oatmeal cream made by Little Debbie. Oatmeal cream pie cereal. It was fucking awesome. That's a lot. It was fucking unbelievable.

How little were they? They were like that big. And they were airy. So you get the water in there. Oatmeal cream pie cereal. You're not going to find it on Amazon. It's not available. Whoa.

I think they pulled it from the market. Whoa. Probably is going to give me cancer. We got to go to Mexico. You can find it at LaGuardia Airport, Terminal C. Hold on, smart guy. It's Terminal D. Smart guy.

Uncle Who cereal? That's too much. No. Well, there it is. Oh. You guys mind if I do this real quick? This looks like something you'd see in Times Square. This is what you'd see on the subway, right?

The Yoshi jerk-off. Yeah, yeah. First up. Guys, can I tell you guys what I'm really into? It's Yoshi jerk-off play. I catch my own cum. Matt, clip that. Just Just clip soda jerking off. That's a gif.

Dude. We were in the Delta Lounge and they have chocolate chip cookies. I'm almost like, I know chocolate chip cookies are good, but it's like almost too, I've had too many. So I see a white chocolate macadamia, my fucking nipples get hard.

That's me right there. White chocolate macadamia is my favorite cookie of all time. It's so good. Or you get a fucking oatmeal cookie in there. Oh, Vita and I. Not raisin, though. We took a red eye back. I love an oatmeal raisin.

I don't understand the point of adding raisins to random bullshit. It's the fruit or chocolate chips. It's the fruit of chocolate chips. And it's also stolen valor. What do you mean? What do you mean? Because you're getting people from afar being like, I might be an oatmeal chocolate chip cookie,

which I'll fucking go all day. It's like a trans person. You're like, oh, I know what this is. Wait a minute. I need you to call my filling by what it's called. Yeah, and you're like, well, it's already in my mouth. Dude, you're taking that red-eye flight. There's something really sad about a red-eye.

We just wanted to get back. Oh, yeah. We're in that red-eye, and we're just pounding desserts in the lounge. Yeah. And Vitor's doing that thing where he's like, are you going to have another? I'm like, I'll do it if you do it. Did you do this after the Saturday show? After the Sunday show.

What? So we took a, well, I just wanted to get back so it was a 7 7 p.m show we take the 11 p.m back i'm impressed i'm impressed so dude i i do the last chopper i do the uh upgrade i'm trying to get the upgrade to first class and i'm i'm in line and there's this has never happened to me before but there's a guy trying to get on he's trying to buy the last last first class ticket, and they're like, sir, you have to wait. We have to see if him buying it goes through. And he had a bit of a language difficulty, and I

think it saved me getting that first class seat, brother. All right! Immigrants! Hell yeah! I think he was like, they were like, sir, it won't go through, and he's like, uh, gay. I was like, ugh. Sir, we're shutting the door. it a spanish indian yeah i wasn't paying attention i think he was french but i did a spanish guy because i don't know

just wanted to do an us versus them you know what yeah maybe taking our jobs but they're not taking our seats brother that's a good win that's a very good win you know he didn't get on uh he didn't get on the flight it was great oh it was a great moment where she was like sir it won't it won't go through and i was like and veter's like did you get it i was like i voted the guy you got it then you're like get to the back it was seriously between three people you're 28b now where are you guys on this because i know you're an animal guy well yeah you love animals my dog is one of my favorite guys on this? Because I know you're an animal guy. I love, yeah. You love animals. My dog is one of my favorite things on this earth. Okay, well, this could get dicey.

Because I was just on a plane, and I noticed, I looked on the seat map, and I said, ooh, 5A's open. I'm taking it. So I took 5A. It moved me way up from like 22B. Sure. Get to 5A. There's a lady there.

Nice little lady. German Shepherd. No. Service dog. Yeah. Now, the service dog is sitting between the seats is the service dog an actual service dog was she blind nothing nothing no i don't i think it was an anxiety here's why i don't like that i have a dog our dog probably weighs 50 pounds

she's a mutt she stays at home yes or driving she came on the road okay is it leaking over near sea of course yeah that dog a german shepherd's too big for a plane it did the thing where he put his head on my my thigh which is cute but i'm like you're in my area and i'm like it should be in your area why is it in my area did i ever tell you this is how much i love dogs that uh we were on the impractical jokers cruise right and jay and i and christine uh bought an ounce of weed and got it on the boat and we like had spent the whole night rolling joints and putting it in a cigarette pack and we get it in and the first night we smoke weed everything's fine i have a half a joint and a bunch of white

chocolate macadamia cookies that i got from the fucking uh you know the kitchen or whatever and i had that's what i had in my room and i fell asleep watching the carbonara effect or whatever it's called because that's all they play is impractical jokers or whatever yeah so i leave it on the desk i go to sleep we dock in the bahamas uh-huh i wake up to the sound of a dog and my first reaction is like all right someone brought a dog on this thing. Yeah, and it was a drug dog And got right up to my door and started scratching and I got in trouble I didn't get like kicked off or anything, but I got in trouble for the cookies They took the we I do there was no weed in the cookies. They're legal

Because there's a weed cookie for no There's just shitty drug dogs. You're like, we're taking these too. That's for the cops. But they did. I mean, I got in trouble because apparently the half a joint smelled enough that this dog got it. Whoa. But I love dogs so much that I was like, my first reaction was like, dogs.

And then I was like, wow. Why are they drug sniffing dogs? Because there was a lot of people that got in trouble. It could have been Midnight Express for you, dude. I should have just jumped over the side. That would be funny if it was like Sal's in the back going, go into Soder's room. Go into Soder's room. Okay, now ask where the cookies are from.

I don't know. I don't know. Well, the dog is man's best friend until it's drug sniffing. Then it flips. He's a prick. Yes, the dog is man's best friend until it's drug sniffing. Yeah. Then it flips, you know. He's a prick. Yes. He turns on you. But dogs on airplanes, man, that's like, and if you're moving, I get it.

There's situations where I understand it. But most of the time, you're like, leave your dog at home. Yeah. There's all these studies now that- Or get someone to watch it. Or take it. But for trauma, though, if you just pet dogs, it stimulates brain activity. It's like really good for you

I get it Jersey Dan St. Germain's joke about he got sober He's like I knew I was in trouble because they were in a field teaching me how to pet a horse He's one of the funniest Yeah, dance a train fucking rules when you relapse come on the show and Saint Germain fucking rules. When you relapse, come on the show. No, don't. I'm joking, I'm joking.

You ever hear Soder's bit about, he was on a date, he was about to kiss a woman and some homeless guy yells out, don't kiss him. Oh, Saint Germain's bit? Do you guys agree on that? Don't do it.

When he gets on an elevator. And he goes, best case, that's me from the future. It's gold. He has one about getting on an elevator with a little girl and like two flights in, she goes. I don't like him

Follow Daniel either Dan St. Germain or Daniel St. Germain. It's DSG, yeah, DS Germain. Yeah, of course he is a fucking weird. Yeah, he's so funny. Wrestle Roast is a great, if you're into wrestling, hilarious podcast where they just roast wrestlers. But he's a great comic. Oh, yeah, with Mike Lawrence? Yeah, Lawrence and Scott Chaplin, they got a great comic.

Oh, I love those guys. Yeah, yeah, St. Germain's great. I had to sleep in the same bed with him once in a comedy fest, which, you know, I love the guy. We've known each other, but the lights go out, and he's just quiet, and he's like, you ever kill a guy? Come on, I'm trying to sleep. We got into an Uber in Tacoma.

We were going to a dispensary in Tacoma. We got in the Uber, and immediately St. Germain just goes, hey, what's up with that Green River killer? And it just looked like the guy was like, oh, yeah. I'm like, dude, this isn't the conversation I want to be in. Right. But he knows, he's one of those sweet guys who knows way too much about true crime. Oh, yeah.

It's great. He's dark. He's the fucking man. I love Dan. He's the man. Yeah. He's such a great, great comedian, man. I know.

He's at the cellar every now and then I see him, but who knows? I think he's writing for stuff. But yeah. All right. We got the list. We got, we tackled Mario. He's at the cellar every now and then I see him, but who knows? I think he's writing for stuff. But yeah. All right. We got the list. We tackled Mario. I think we're good.

Do you have any peeves or bits or anything? Oh, yeah. The three things. I forgot my phone. Name the three things. I don't remember what it was. Pet peeve. Pet peeve is people who comfortably FaceTime in public. Oh, great one.

If I can't see you react with a little grimace of like i know i know yes fucking dumb no headset even you mean yeah just loud yeah i'll be walking my dog and i'll see people just facetiming and i'm like i'm hearing your whole conversation yeah that doesn't bother you it's eve i had a guy doing a flight next to me once no headphones and and his voice got like louder right i do that you know that's like crazy when you're just you should at least be like hey what's up yes that's all we ask for phone voice in public i don't know what it is you put me on speaker i'm like yeah i'm right here you want to make sure they hear it but pet peeve is um no remorse public facetime great i love it love it what why is a phone call that's

not great either but it's still way more respectable than like a facetime you know why because the facetime they're gonna see if i'm like in line behind someone they're seeing me uh that's crazy i don't know have you noticed that those those people always get pissed off that you're like hearing their conversation Like you're in my world as well It's like you you're doing this to me right it's shittier than a phone call It's because it's a combination of talking on the phone and texting Yeah, cuz you're not you're not looking live and you're fucking on the phone. So you're looking at the phone It it's you have no none of your senses, right?

you're fucking on the phone so you're looking at the phone it it's you have no none of your senses right you're walking that's it good point don't like it all right don't like it good pee i got a peeve i got a pee for you i was in line at my moon's uh last night this person's asking 100 fucking questions about the food and i was like there should be a separate line for people who have questions and then a line for people who know what the fuck they're doing totally there should be a novice line and a pro line yeah because that's also the thing i loved about becoming living in new york and learning how it worked was over time when we lived here that i could walk into a deli and be like boop boop boop boop and then had my sandwich bacon egg and cheese plain bagel boom i'm over to the side yeah i got it paid for i got my milk paid for

my chocolate milk i'm good to go well the city has I got it paid for. I got my milk paid for. My chocolate milk. I'm good to go. Well, the city has a rhythm. And when you're going up there, I go, well, what does that one taste like? And how much for that one? You're breaking the whole system. Makes me think of that Russ Meneve bit where he's like, I tried to get a pizza bagel because I was hungry. And the lady said, what happened?

Well, I'll tell you what happened. I woke up in my apartment and I was hungry. And then I came here for a pizza bagel. He's been quoted on this podcast a lot. He's got some bangers. Yeah, dude. All right, after Peeve, what was it? Wreck.

Recommendation. Recommendation. I'm not finished with the book, but I'm reading a classic that's so good. Why hasn't anyone told me this book? East of Eden by John Steinbeck. Oh, yeah. That is a classic. I don't know.

I never did, actually. You would like it. Steinbeck oh yeah that's a classic i don't know it is for what i never did actually you would like it steinbeck's a beast what a good fucking book it's thick but it's like i'm halfway through and i'm like i enjoy when i start reading it really which is very rare yeah it's just about like about these two brothers and this fucking psychopath lady and that's where i'm at and one of them married her and the other one fucked her. It's fucking crazy. How do you write a book? Like a fiction book.

But that's what's crazy is Steinbeck's like, this is like, he's like, this is my best one but he's also got Grapes of Wrath. These are like our specials for them. Right.

Of Mice and Men too. Of Mice and Men. He's really short. He's got The Pearl. He's got Travels with Charlie. He's got so many good books. He's got a lot of good ones too but East of Eden, that's the one I'm reading right now the one all the way to the

left from amazon i bought it and uh it's fucking great yeah why what made you buy it um there was a quote that i you know like uh i was i saw a quote somewhere where it was like i don't need to be perfect so now i can be good and i was like oh i like that and i was like what's that from east eden and i love steinbeck and i was like, oh, I like that. And I was like, what's that from? East of Eden? And I love Steinbeck. And I was like, I've never read East of Eden. So I ordered it. Love it. Amazon, it shows up the next day.

Started reading it. I was like, this is fucking good. I love a good quote. There's something fun about reading a classic, too. Oh, yeah. We're like, well, even if I don't love it, I'm going to be glad I did it. Yeah. Yes, yes.

So true. But I love to hear a quote, and you're like, that grabbed me. Yeah, exactly. Not the whole book. And that, you know, I think we live in the age right now where everyone acts perfect and everyone acts like, there's too many goats. Everyone's calling everyone a goat. You can't.

Goat means one. The greatest of all times. You can't be. I saw someone put out a tweet where they're like, a podcast with a couple future goats. And you're like, that's incorrect. That doesn't make sense. That is incorrect. Only one of them can be the goat. Only one of you. with a couple future goats you know that's that's incorrect makes sense that is incorrect but only

one of them can be the goat only one of you now it's turned into uh yeah people say a few of the goats right yeah i've been saying on stage it's like the way that right wing people right wing people use the word patriot the way hot girls use the word literally i don't think i think you're just using that because it makes you feel good at this. Yes. Yes. Exactly. Literally.

I'm like, I believe it happened. Right. And then the right like hard writers are like, I'm a patriot. I got it. You love America. Someone anytime someone texts me like an American flag emoji. I'm just like on Rogan. I said how much that bugged me. Whenever someone will send me an American flag emoji or when they have that in there,

there's something about the flags that bug me. And now everyone tweets flags at me all day. I think that's very funny. That's very, very funny. And I'm like, it was pretty good. I walked into that one. I deserved it. But you got a lot of range.

I mean, this guy can jerk off as Yoshi and eat his own cum and read Steinbeck. Wow, let's go. What a catch. And he can do impressions. The Salinas Valley. as Yoshi and eat his own cum, and read Steinbeck. Wow, let's go. Come on, what a catch. And if you do impressions, the Salinas Valley. Oh, there you go. I got to pee. Now, this one's a little bit more general, but I can't stand when people watch me eat,

when someone's not eating and I'm eating, and they're like, boy, you're really inhaling that thing. I hate it. Boy, hey, you like mayo on there? Really? You go mayo, huh? Do you go to gas stations and talk about how they pump their cars? Yeah, exactly.

You go, wow, that's a lot of unleaded. Right, right. You're eating a burger like the tomato comes out. Like, oh, you lost that tomato. Yeah, yeah, I got it. I know. Stop watching me. Who are you you fucking Al Michaels

play by play I hate it's an intimate thing to be eating it's very annoying if someone it's like literally it's like one step away if someone commenting on you fucking you're totally yeah right you feeding right so it's like I don't watch me feed yeah there's those a weird little moments where you like get a little

ketchup over here like oh shit and I see all that it's too much. It's too intimate. Yeah, Bobby Kelly was on the bonfire yesterday. Oh, he eats. No, not anymore. Now he looks great. He looks good.

Oh, okay. He looks great. He lost like 50 pounds. Whoa. I think he lost over that. Over? Yeah, and he looks great. Pull him up.

And Jay and I got pizza in between our shows, and we were eating. And Bobby's like, see, this is why I'm a good friend, Jay. You got something in your beard. I'm like, it just happened. It it just happened he might have caught it well you're a bad friend you're eating pizza in front of a guy who's clearly on a diet yeah no yeah that was probably the mean part but look at him that's he looks good oh he looks totally different yeah even the face looks different no thank god thank god he good for him he got in there we'll have him on here soon we're in a revolving door. His new special, by the way,

is awesome. It's on LouisCK.com. It's called Killbox. LouisCK.com. But he... Wow. Bobby got into the rotating door with me as a joke. Oh, really? And we got through. I went, Bobby, I'm so proud of you. Don't ever do that

again. But I'm so proud of you for doing wow he looks he's like brando and uh holy shit he does it holy shit holy shit oh my god what is this the freshman he looks so good dude i'm so proud of bobby dude good for him and we'll have money i mean does anyone kill like bobby like the laughs and the bananas. One of the worst experiences comedically of my life was I ran my hour before HBO at Edinburgh. At Edinburgh. At the Fringe Festival. And then went to Vegas to do The Cellar Vegas.

We're out there for a bachelor party and I was like, I'll stay and work the weekend. And Bobby was taping netflix's degenerates oh wow and liz put me after bobby every night wow of him running his degenerates so it's not like it's tv clean yeah he's filthy and he's filthy and it changed the hardest follow there is is a is a filthy killer that's true and it was dude it was like i would go up there and you just felt the room you know how you can feel not that he's you know when you can feel it crackling like a fire has been put out oh yeah and everything's yeah i did i bombed four shows and then you know bobby's like you fucking pussy what you can't

follow me yeah and liz is like you fucking schmuck you stink and the whole time i was like this is it's brutal dude wow you gotta love that about liz she's the manager of the cellar yeah for those at home but we'll get her on for bobby's we should get her on she's she's ah liz is the fucking but she never changed like the cellar has changed a little it's gotten like more inclusive and all that but like liz is still like i'm gonna be a hard-nosed cunt till the end. I love it. I don't give a shit. But when you win her over, she's the best. And she's the most loyal person on the planet.

She will just trash you all day, but if there was ever a jam, she's got you. She helped me. After you tape a special, you're like, I'm supposed to do something. I taped a special in New York, so I was like, I'll have an after party. And she was like, do it, after you tape a special, you're like, what do I, I'm supposed to do something. I taped a special in New York, so I was like, I'll have an after party. And she was like, do it at the Fat Black.

I'll help you out. We'll do this. And she, like, organized it. And I was like, this is so easy. Yeah. I've taped multiple things at this cellar. Yeah. You know, like, albums, specials.

And she organized it all. Yeah. We do live bonfires every Christmas because of her. She's the best. And it's crazy. I mean, it's like, you know, when you see, like, a show, there'll be that character who's, like, really nice, but is full of shit. She's the best, and it's crazy. I mean, it's like, you know when you see a show that will be that character who's really nice,

but is full of shit? Yeah. She's the mean one who actually is a heart of gold. That's exactly what she is. So true. Where you're like, is this person mean?

And then you're like, oh no, she's the best person. It's unbelievable. It's part of the vibe, but it keeps the seller the seller. Liz keeps the seller. Yes.

You're a little scared of her in a good way. And the new people being afraid of her, I like yeah like yeah shut the fuck up yeah she never takes a day off never they better be paying her well because she could be making i don't think i asked her once she was like we need to we need to do a podcast and a patreon and then just give that money to liz yeah like this is for you keeping the integrity of the seller the seller is the seller because of liz it really is agree veder did his album in vegas only so we could call it veder las vegas that was literally the only reason why i did in vegas but we all went

out there we like you know supported he filmed like 10 20 minutes that was the weekend what that was the weekend i was out there oh Oh, really? Did we see you? No, because you guys came Thursday, Friday. You guys were like Wednesday, Thursday. Yeah. Yeah, because I came out Friday, Saturday. Oh, okay. Well, it was Ari.

It was List. It was fun. And Vecchione. And Liz is out there every night watching Veeder with a clipboard and going like, okay, that joke killed. And she did all the legwork and she loved it. It was like a spreadsheet. It was fucking wild. She's one of those people that needs to be doing shit yeah yeah and i i did one of us has got to make her an executive producer of something so she can have fuck off money

now you're talking someone needs to put her if you're another comic watching this and you know liz and you have a big tv show coming up give her a producer credit so she can have fuck you money the sad thing though is she got too much money she might leave the cellar yeah which we need her And you have a big TV show coming up. Give her a producer credit so she can have fuck you money. The sad thing, though, is she got too much money. She might leave the cellar. Yeah. Which we need her there, too. True. So it's kind of a tough.

God, how do we keep her indentured? Yeah. Yes. No, she once told me even if she was like hit it filthy rich, she would still like work for like the Dania Beach Improvers. No. And just work. She's like, I need I need the stimulation.

She's one of those people You know those people That like they can't retire Yeah Cause the second they retire They'll drop dead Yeah it's like Paterno The second he had to stop working

He fucking died And she used to watch me shower And I used to fuck kids You'll bleep that So YouTube doesn't pull this Dan Soder everybody Let him hear it Dan Soder we love you You're the best I love you guys That's so YouTube doesn't pull this. Dan Soder, everybody. Let him hear it. Dan Soder, we love you.

Come on. You're the best. I love you guys. Plug some dates. Yeah. I got Nashville Zanies coming up. I got Philly Helium coming up. I got, when is this coming out?

End of October. Halloween. Oh, Halloween. October 30th, right? Yeah, so November and December, I've got Zanies. I've got, oh, Comedy Castle. Mark Ridley's Comedy Castle. Oh, another great club.

Classic. And Philly Helium. Also, two shows, Bell House in December in Brooklyn. Going to have a very fun show. That's going to be Saturday, I believe December 20th? Hell yeah. Bell House, New York. And Dan St. Germain's going to be there.

We're going to have some other friends come through. Or Mike Racine. Oh, nice. Oh, looking good there. Like Soder just, I mean, St. Germain just texted you? Yeah. Oh, that's cool. Did he really? Yeah, so there it is. He's drunk in a tub and he's naked. Zany's Nashville, Comedy Castle, and

Houston Improv. Never done it. Oh, it's a banger. That's a great club. Yeah, December 1st through the 3rd, and then Bell House in New York, December 10. Never done it. Oh, it's a banger. That's a great club. Yeah, December 1st through the 3rd. And then Bell House in New York, December 10th. Love it. Two shows at the Bell House, Philly, Helium after that. DanceOrder.com. Maybe our liquor partner, Chris Hart, will go see you.

Yeah, go see him. All right, I'm all over the road. This comes out later. You got to hit that puppy there. Shit, oh, I'm doing Houston as well. The Joy Theater in New Orleans. The Wilbur in Beantown. New Haven.

More Wilbur. Fillmore in Philly. Buffalo Helium. That's going to be a tough slog. Toronto again. Cops, baby. Always want to do cops. Never done it.

You never done it? No, I'm excited. Have fun, and then I'll see you back at the Punchline. Oh, damn. Same owners. It's done it? No, I'm excited. Have fun, and then I'll see you back at the Punchline. Oh, damn. Okay. It's the same owner. All right.

Nashville. Hawaii. That'll be interesting. A lot of fun dates. Come on out. Got a lot of stuff coming down. We're doing- Sammy. Brunswick.

OKC. Springfield, Missouri. Fort Wayne. Kansas City. Tacoma. Spokane. And theater tour just went on sale starting in January. That's New Orleans, Austin, Dallas, Tulsa, Missouri, St. Louis, Missouri, Vegas, Vancouver,

Seattle, Portland, Salt Lake City, Huntington, AC, Royal Oak, Minneapolis, Madison, Milwaukee, New Haven, Boston, Miami, Orlando, Jacksonville, Atlanta, Charleston, Durham, Virginia, Charlottesville, D.C., Wilkes Bar, and Port Chester. Hell yeah. SamRowe.com slash shows. Get fucking tickets now. Yeah. We love you. And buy BodegaCatWhiskey.com and watch all of our specials.

Soda's got a great HBO special. Son of a Gary. His Netflix half. He's got Comedy Central special. Watch HBO. That's the only one I'll claim. Soda's got a great HBO special. Son of a Gary. His Netflix half. He's got Comedy Central special. Watch HBO. That's the only one I'll claim. No, you're a killer. HBO out.

You're a killer. Check him out. One of the best New York comics. Norman's, I'm sure, going to tape something soon. Yeah, out to lunch. Check that out. Get the bodega. Same time tomorrow, Netflix.

Get a shirt. Yeah, watch Sam's Netflix. Netflix special. Praise Allah. Beer Jew, anything to plug here? Still to say less. Get a shirt. Yeah, watch Sam's Netflix. Netflix special. Praise Allah. Beer, too. Anything to plug here? Still say less. If anybody needs, I just started my own little consulting agency for bars and restaurants.

So pay-per-play NYC. There you go. For all your bar and restaurant needs. And check out Gotham Studios. St. Germain. Yeah. And if you got a problem with this list, tweet about it. Start your own chain let's get the internet cooking thank you about the fucking poke and I get down in the same way Up on the roof like a cop's coming

and naked Samuel is feeling dangerous I'm out to lunch here in New Orleans This woman doesn't look like I remember her and I get down in the same way We might be true.