We Might Be Drunk - Kevin Nealon - Mark Normand & Sam Morril - We Might Be Drunk Podcast

Episode Date: May 25, 2026

Kevin Nealon joins Mark and Sam for a legendary comedy hang covering classic SNL stories, Norm Macdonald gambling tales, Adam Sandler memories, Garry Shandling wisdom, and behind-the-scenes stories from comedy history. They get into Steven Seagal disasters, private flights with John Travolta, basketball games with Hollywood stars, weird celebrity dating rankings, and Kevin's new special. Sponsored by: Fabletics Shop now at https://fabletics.com/wmbd to get 70-80% off everything when you sign up as a new VIP. Ultra Pouches Don't sleep on @ultrapouches. New customers get 15% Off with code WMBD at https://takeultra.com! #UltraPouches #ad Mars Men For a limited time, our listeners get 50% off FOR LIFE, Free Shipping, AND 3 Free Gifts at https://Mengotomars.com Shopify Sign up for your one-dollar-per-month trial and start selling today at https://shopify.com/drunk Subscribe to We Might Be Drunk: https://bit.ly/SubscribeToWMBD Merch: https://wemightbedrunkpod.com/ Clips Channel: https://bit.ly/WMBDClips Sam Morril: https://punchup.live/sammorril/tickets Mark Normand: https://punchup.live/marknormand/tickets Kevin Nealon: https://www.kevinnealon.com/ Produced by Gotham Production Studios: https://www.gothamproductionstudios.com #WeMightBeDrunk #KevinNealon #MarkNormand #SamMorril #ComedyPodcast #StandUpComedy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Guys, I might be crying sometimes. It's just so you know. That's a perfect opening. This could be a dramatic episode of we might be drunk. Yeah, a little bit of Leland. We bear it all. Dude, good to see you. Do you ever have anybody at an ego up to a bartender say, dude, you over-serve me?

Is that like the weakest kind of like excuse for being drunk and out of control? The bartender overserved me. Do you know what I never heard that? You can't do that to a waiter. You know, like, hey, dude, you overserved me, man. like two pounds what are you gonna do about it I have people complain when the drink is too stiff oh yeah that's like when the bartender's like I'm hooking you up and you're right the drink tastes like shit that's me man when I bartended I used to bartender at the improv

really yeah yeah for two years uh 1980 whoa yeah I see everybody come in the Robin Williams Anthony Kaufman wow but I didn't ever bartended before but I befriend of the the regular bartender he goes hey you want to work I say yeah but I never bartended so I got one of those Boston bartender guides and I kept it under the bar. I thought the more alcohol you put in it, like the college mentality, people would love it. Right. But a lot of times they come back. Hey, can you give me another glass full of like soda water?

This is a regular drink. They're mixing the drink. Yeah, yeah. Who was the biggest drunk back then? Mo. You know, it really wasn't obvious, but there was some people in there that come in. I mean, you know, so many people would come in there. Timothy Leary would come in.

Whoa. Yeah, and Roy Scheidner would come in. Whoa. With Bob Fawsey. Wow. I mean, I saw everybody in there. Robin Williams would come from Filming Mork and Mindy with his suspenders on. You made Roy Scheider a drink?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. What did he drink? Scotch and sodas. That's funny how bartenders remember exactly what people drink. Richard Lewis would come in. He would get a white wine. And he always leave me a $2 tip. Hey.

Back in the day. That's a good tip. That was a good tip. Yeah. I was always embarrassed at how much the drinks cost. Like for a beer, it was like $2.75. And when somebody ordered a beer, I give it to him. I go, I'm sorry, it's $2.75.

I kill for a $275 beer. Richard Lewis, he put him back, right? Oh, my God. He was so great, man. He loved one. He became sober after a while, but he would kill in that room, man. He was like an expat, New Yorker. He had all the whole lot.

audience was expat New Yorkers, and it just had this energy and this buzz. You know, Richard Lewis would get on and just crush it. Andy Kaufman, Jay Leno. I mean, that room, you could feel it pulsing. You know, it was just so crazy. And I would watch sometimes from the people upstairs from the office, Bud Freeman's office, I could see down there because it couldn't go in the room. It was too packed.

Yeah. And it was just such a great experience for me because I got to like talk to comics that were, you know, established. One time Andy Coffin was outside and I knew he was into TM, right? So I was so scared to talk to him because, you know, I'm such a fan of his. And I go, hey, Andy, what? Can you tell you a little about TM? For a half hour he talked about TM, rarely looking at me, just looking at the traffic out of Melrose going by. And all I'm doing is looking at the moles on his face. He did have some crazy cheek moles. Yeah, he did. How about Prior, did he ever come in?

Richard Pryor never came in that I remember at the Comedy Store, I mean, at the improv, but he would come up here at the Comedy Store and play a lot. I saw him here once. How was that? Oh, it was great, man. But he would start off with, he wouldn't have anything. You know, he just developed it. And you come back like three weeks later and he's got this whole hunk, you know, whole act.

Wow. So, yeah, that was the cool thing. That was so lucky to be in that part. And back then there was only like 50 comics. I know, isn't that crazy? And then I go off to do SNL, I come back. I never stopped doing stand-up, but all of a sudden, it's not just Italians, Jews, Irish guys, blacks. It's like Pakistanians, you know.

It's every nationality you could think of. And, you know, everybody's funny now. It's crazy. I don't know about that. That's a stretch. But now there's 50 comics on the lineup at the store. It's crazy. But I knew everybody's act.

You would know everybody's act because you knew every country. That's also a bad thing. It is. They're like, these guys aren't writing enough, you know? I would see Jerry Seinfeld, same thing, you know, like a lot of us over and over. And I knew exactly where people swallowed before they took the punchline or they, you know, indigestion, take indigestion thing before the punchline. Yeah.

I mean, you know, you know exactly what they're going to do. Yeah, he has all these things where he says, if I move my hand this way, I get a bigger laugh. Then if I move it that way, like he's so dialed in with that shit. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Damn. So it was a great experience to be back then. It was a good ride.

How long were you in New York for? Nine years. And you were on SNL for nine years. Yeah. That's got to be one of the longest, right? It was at the time. But now, you know, you have guys there like Daryl Hammo's there a long time. I think, what's his name?

Tim Meadows, Keenan. Keenan. He's still there. He's been there for 40 years. He was there before the show started. He was hanging out at 30 Rock. Well, you had the, it was Dennis Miller U.N. That's a crazy.

Run. It was great. It was great. How long were you Weekend Update? I was a weekend update for three years. And it was interesting job because before that I was just doing sketches and characters, which I had to learn to do because I was a stand-up. So I did those for five years. And then Lauren put me at Weekend Update. How did that happen? Just he wanted me up there. And Dennis left. I don't know why he left. I guess he just. But, you know, a lot of people would leave. And I kind of got pushed out a weekend update. As I looked back at them, I thought, yeah, I get it. I get it. No, it was, there was a lot of politics going on. And Don Olmeyer was like the head of NBC in that department. And so he would push things. He got rid of Norm.

Yeah. He got rid of me. Because he said I was too mush mouth. Wow. And then. Did you make jokes at his expense? No, no. I never did OJ jokes or anything.

But, and I think Sandler and Farley got fired that. year that I did. Gee, this guy's a real stiff, huh? Yeah. He's dead? Hopefully. Omar. He must be dead at this point.

God willing. He's dead. All right. Good. It's horrible tasting comedy, this guy. Yeah, I remember hearing in that Letterman Norman interview and, uh... Oh, those are great. Those are classic, but man, uh, no, you, you were a great weekend update guy, man, and you

wrote, and you wrote your own stuff. I tried to write a lot of stuff. Um, nobody liked writing for a weekend update because it wasn't a glorifying, you know, position because nobody would stand around on Monday go, oh man, do you hear that joke about Clinton or wherever it was at the time, Roosevelt? So, you know, so I had to write a lot of my own stuff and you couldn't write during the week because all the late night talk shows were doing that stuff. They were covering that. So Saturday morning I'd get up really early and get like all the newspapers and AP photos because there was no Google back then. Again, this is 19-100.

Yeah, yeah. And so then Lauren would put out a buffet on the 17th floor of the writers wing to try to entice writers to come and put newspapers out. So they get a breakfast and read the paper. And some of the new writers came up. They weren't that good. Al Franken would come because he was a political pundit. And Norm MacDonald would come just have breakfast and read a paper. Right.

They contribute anything. It's like a trap. A rabbit trap. They pull a string. So I worked with a segment producer who was from the original years that Lauren knew and he hired him and kept him on because he's very loyal. But he was kind of out of it. You know, and we'd go through the AP photos. So you wrote this in a day, basically.

Yeah. That's insane. Wow. How many minutes of jokes did it? I mean, you'd have a couple of pocket jokes that weren't like, didn't deal with anything. There was about 20 jokes. That's crazy. That's insane.

Yeah. I can't believe I'm even talking about this now. It's like it never happened. You know, it's like, what drugs were you on that were helping you with this? Advil. Come on. Nothing? No, I don't do drugs.

I never did drugs. A ton of coffee? Speaking of which, I brought you an aspirin. Oh, really? Just for the week, yeah. Thank you. I know it's going to get crazy out here. You know, it's a federal crime which has happened there.

What? You can't give other people. All right, Nark, when do you fuck off? Narc Mormon over here. So you were just 20 in a day. That's crazy. You know how hard is to write a good topical joke. Oh, no.

That's for national television. Yeah. How can you do that without being mush mouth? I don't even know what mush mouth means. It's just dirty. You swallow your words a little bit so you can't understand you. Now that you say it, I can see it. So I was working with that segment producer, who was an older guy,

and we would go through the photos, and he did with a joke. He'd do a joke, and I go, I don't know about that one. He goes, have you seen the picture? That's when I knew it was his joke. Oh. I see the picture. And then, you know, I tell him which one's not to use. Like after the dress rehearsal, I said, let's get rid of this, let's get rid of that.

How many people are in there when you're running the jokes? Just me and him. So you're not even testing on real laughs. Oh, no, no, the rehearsal. The first show is rehearsal. You test the jokes then. But how many people I mean? It's a full audience.

Oh, all right. Oh, okay, that helps. You idiot? We haven't been on SNL, we don't know. Yeah. So I look at you like you're crazy. You fucking dumb? So, yeah, so then after they dress, I go back to meet with him again, and we go through the pack.

And I'd say, let's get rid of that. Let's get rid of that one. Let's get rid of that one. He goes, really, this one is a good one. I've seen the picture. So I go back to out there. I've told them which ones I want to get rid of. So I do the weekend update, and then I jump off and I start doing sketches and characters, you know.

And the next morning I'm laying in bed, and I'm thinking, wait a minute. I told him to get rid of that joke. He kept it in there because it was his probably. Yeah. And so I didn't really have a lot of control because I was doing so much stuff. I couldn't like focus on that. Right? But it was fun.

It was exciting. The subliminal bit, was that a stand-up bit first? Yeah, that came from my stand-up bit. But that was a guy named Ed Peck, this character actor, you know, from like the 50s and 60s. I met him at the improv. So many, like, character actors I met there. And he would do a thing called tagging. And he had a very deep voice like that.

He talked like that. Neeland, come here for a minute. Let me show you what I'm going to do. And we go to Canters, Delicateson. And he would do a tagging thing. Yeah, there he is. He's Pecky. That's Ed Peck, younger Ed Peck.

And he was a good guy. He did a lot of those shows back then. So we'd go to Canters and he go, listen to what I'm going to do here. And he'd order. And he'd go, hello. Mary, because you knew the waitress, Mary, I think I'm going to have a hamburger with

some French fries whore, and I'll also have a... So that kind of blossom from that. He goes, go ahead and use that. Oh, that's fun. That was a hit. That was a hit. And then I kind of wrote it with Al Franken when we got there.

Doing it to get things that you wanted. Yeah. I'd love to go see the Mets, you know, or I'd love to go dinner with you, your treat, you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah Who's you going to date, Anel? Now, Franken, what do you think? We had a rough one with him.

It was a rough, it was a tough episode. Did you hate this. You had him on. Yeah, we hit him on. Why was that tough? You both did the same thing. I mean, why is anything tough? You just don't, you don't vibe really.

Yeah, didn't like the humor. Didn't like our vibe. Didn't, uh... Really? It's considered the worst episode of all time. Yeah. When was this? A few years?

A year and a half ago? Oh, he's shames a lot since. He's more like Tom Davis. Oh, okay, okay. He was a nice guy, a piece of shit. He did his best, bad episode. No, there's so many different, you know, personalities on a show. Jim Downey was great.

Oh, he's a legend. Oh, my God. I love sitting down with him. He remembers everything. You know, he'll remember every, you know, show and how it came about, the sketch, and what pencil he was using at the time, you know. I was using the number two pencil, and the racer was a little down. Sounds like autism, maybe.

But he's fun. He, he, I hope he's writing down everything about that show. Is he still writing? I don't know if he's still writing, but he's always kind of musing about things. And I'll sit down to lunch with him, and he'll just talk and talk and talk. And he was so busy in the show because he was the head writer, everybody's knocking on his door. Hey, Jim, can I run this by you? And he's on the phone with other people.

Wow. And it was often like he'd answer the door. He'd keep the door shut because everybody would be in there if he didn't. So he would, I'd knock on the door. I said, hey, Jim, can you take a look at this? He goes, yeah, yeah, walk with me, walk with me. He was always walking with him because he had so many things he had to do. You know, you run the lines by him as you're walking.

He goes, yeah, let me take a look at that later. You know, trying to get your father to do something and he's busy. Right. So you were there so long. There must have been, you've seen so many hosts. Who's the worst host ever? Ooh. Good one.

I would say Nancy Reagan. She hosted? She hosted? Oh, man. You guys are drunk, man. I bought it. You might be drunk. You aren't drunk.

Apparently she's a real Hoover. You know, a lot of people say Stephen Segal. Oh, right. I heard he's a prick. You know. Was he a prick as well? I didn't really hang out with him that much. But I do remember him standing like this in the hallway.

Like he was a bodyguard for nobody behind him. You know what I mean? And then there was one sketch where he was supposed to throw these stuntmen into the breakaway walls. You know, it was like a Western bar. And during the dress rehearsal, he did that. But during the live show, he would throw them into the studded part so it wouldn't break. And those guys, you know, they're really tough. They like they make like they're not hurt.

But I know they were hurt. And they'd get up and they'd walk off the set. And I don't know if you did that on purpose, if it was just jacked up from the live show or what. Right. But, yeah, people claim that he was. In my period, that's what they claim. I've heard he was tough to work with. His movies, it's incredible because the action scenes are just not, it's not entertaining.

It's like sound technique, I guess. Yeah. You're just watching him do like this, and you're like, yeah, that's not like good cinema. He's talking like this like he's some kind of a karate guru. Yeah. He apparently made up his own martial art, I think. I forgot, give that a goog. I'm pretty sure he invented.

Have you seen the new one where he's just fat? There's a new movie where he's fat, and it's a clear stunt man. Oh, no. But also, he's a CIA agent, too. What? He claims. Wow, he is pretty fat. Jesus.

Jesus Christ. I thought that was DJ Callet. What's the hell? Wow. Jeez. But see if he made up his own art form or martial art. Are you sure that's not like... Why is he next to Charlie's throne in that picture?

That is the weirdest pairing of all time. He said he calls her out. Calls her out. Uh-oh. Oh. Oh. Charlie's Throne says overweight Stephen Seagal can barely fight and he's not very nice to women. Man.

Look at that. Well, whoever wrote this definitely likes her better than him because look at those headshots right there. And I think Stavros is going to play him in the movie. That is a fucking, he looks like a bloated fish in that one. Yeah. I watched Under Siege not too long ago. Oh, Erica Lenient. It's kind of a fun piece of shit.

I loved it. It's a it's not great, but it's fun as hell. Yeah. Yeah, a lot of those movies that, you know, you would take seriously back then, it's just bad movies now that you like watching. Like Point Break. Point Break is a good movie. I don't know about that.

It's fun as hell, dude. Well, my friend pointed out that he's a cop who is, he sounds like a surfer. He already sounds like a surfer, but he's from the East Coast. He's from Ohio. He's from Ohio. And then they're like, guy who knows this movie to him. Johnny Utah. No, that's a fun movie.

I love the movie But Gary Busey could Can we get that movie on right now? Can we watch that movie? Look at these hunks I asked Patrick Swayze once If he worked out He goes no I never work out

No you hate those guys He must be dancing all the time Was he a cool dude? He was That was a classic sketch Him in Florida Yeah Chippendale Oh yeah

Chippendale Chippinill That was probably the hardest one I had from not laughing Yeah You know Now, I hate to bring it up, but we're big fans of Shandling. Oh, yeah.

Shanley was great. You guys were tight. Shanley was my mentor. He was one of the first comics I met out here. And I learned how to craft jokes with him. And we'd be on the phone, like, if I had like a gig somewhere, like a corporate gig, I'd call him. I said, Gary, I'm doing this thing for Microsoft or whatever. And the CEO is talking.

I'm not sure what to say. And so we'd be on the phone for like two hours, like come up with Microsoft jokes. or, you know, something about the CEO. And I would just, like, move on. You know, he had a good joke. You know, oh, that's great. Okay. Now, what about this area?

He goes, no, no, no, let's stick with this, right? Let's come up with some more, you know? I like to hit and run. Yeah. Yeah. And he says, yeah, you're honks. You could have, like, hunks out of your jokes. You just don't milk them enough.

Whoa. That's good, because the premise is the hard part to come up with. So if you've got a premise, you've got to mind it. And if you have one good joke, you're going to have more. Right. Yeah. Norm always talked about, you know, Norm was such a great joke writer. And then he said the Shandling joke that broke his brain was, he had that old joke, you know, I'm banging Miss Georgia.

Well, former Miss Georgia. Well, it was George Foreman. That's a great joke, but Norm's like, how did you come up with that? Like, how did your brain figure that out? It's a silly brain, man. It's like one of his other jokes I love that he did was, you know, sometimes I'll shave one of my legs. So it feels like I'm sleeping with a woman. Or he goes, you know, I can't afford a private jet,

but I can afford to pay everybody else to get off of my commercial jet. Yeah, he had the, yeah, he was great, man. He was such a, yeah, he was a good guy, man. You told me you were on a private jet with Travolta once. That was, yeah. Oh, how was the sex? I've flown a lot of private jets with different people. Yeah.

You know, I think, what am I doing here? And we flew with Sandler on that jet. You had kind of a fear of flying, didn't you? No. Oh, that was Joe. That was Joe Vessie. Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, I can see that.

You had a fear of other things, though, right? Intimacy. Climitment. Every other fear I have. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But you and Travolta, he's the pilot, isn't he? Yeah, yeah, he was. Is that not crazy?

Yeah, it was pretty crazy. Are you nervous at all? Do you're like, does this guy know how to fly? Well, you know what? He's got such a flying record. He's probably got more experienced than any airline, you know, commercial airline pilot. Wow. I didn't know that.

Really, it's just passion. Yeah, he's really good at it. Harrison Ford, too, I believe. I was just thinking Howard Hughes was a big pilot. Yeah. He landed a plane on purpose at the Bel Air Country Club on one of the fairways. But Harrison Ford crashed hits until a small three-par golf course. Right.

I remember that. Damn. I didn't know that. Oh, yeah, that was big news. Which is a little more, you know, talented. If you could land on a three-par golf course, it's a smaller. Like a horse can't even drive a car. That's right.

That's right. But yeah, so I don't mind flying. You know, my wife is a fear of flying, and she'll look at the slightest amount of turbulence, she grabs my hand. Yeah. And, like, you know, we fly a lot. Yeah. So it's like the plane could be upside down and we'll still be reading.

I know. Same. Because you give up after a while. You say, I can't, I fly too much, man. I can't be fighting it like this all the time. No. Just surrender. You just go numb.

Yeah. You're just like, yeah. It's asleep. And what's the worst? can happen. 9-11. Sully. Yeah.

Well, that one, they worked out. That one worked out. You should ever, do you still be annoyed? If you were on the Sully flight, you'd still be annoyed to land in the water. Of course, yeah. You still be like, what do I take? Let us know. Let us know beforehand.

Yeah. Someone complained. You should have said something. Yeah. How many people called the airlines after that? I said, hey, listen, I was on flight, you know, Sully flight. Can I get like a little, like, a miles? How many miles do you think?

I think they got for that. Oh, free flights for life. No way. Look up how many miles those people got. At least lounge access. I'm sully flight. Would you fly again after then? Yeah, you got to get home.

A lot of them did. They got on another flight. Yeah, I would. God. How about that plane that crashed in India, the big, you know, airbus? One guy survived. Yeah. How do you make a movie?

How do you process that? Starring Bruce Willis. And can we talk to that guy? I'd like to get a word out of them. He claims he jumped out at the last minute. Wow. How could it jump out last minute? Yeah, they're India guy.

Like he jumped out. No, there was a hole in the plane, and he walked out. He climbed out of there. Whatever seat he picked, he's picking that seat for the rest of his life. Yes. I'm 14F forever. Yeah, I'd like to get his perspective. I don't know.

I'm 3B. 3B is good. Yeah, it's got the extra leg room, first class. Yeah. Oh, my. 200 lives. That's horrible. Look at this fiery explosion.

It's like an atom bomb. And that guy survived it. Ramesh do the last name or good luck visha washikar interesting that you're the only one that survived huh yeah

what's up with that the one cop right he was just like tell me this he was sitting near an emergency exit oh maybe he did jump out yeah he had the door

yeah you know he didn't hold the door the best place he didn't hold the door the best he lied about the oath That best place to sit is over the wings, though. Oh, yeah? Because it's the least turbulent, and they get the emergency exits there.

Right. Do you know, I've taken, I've been learning how to tie knots, rope knots. I don't know, for some reason, I used to see my father, like, tie stuff down on the top of the hood on the car, you know, the slip knots and stuff. So I'm, you know, check on Instagram and YouTube. I got some books, and I got like a six-foot piece of rope. And it's weird, because when you sit on it. a plane and you take that out of your backpack, six foot piece of rope. The person next to you is like, the hell's going on?

What is going on? Yeah, you're either a terrorist or depressed. I start lassoeing the flight attendant. That's a dicey search history with some rope. They only got five grand. What? And a refund. Oh, Sully.

You better get a refund. Oh, 10 grand to agree to not sue the airline. I'm not taking that 10 grand. Whoa. How many people sued the airline? Probably a lot. And I bet all those people that are like, I wish they fucking died. Five minutes of time.

Yeah. Yeah. How many people sued the Titanic? Ooh, just the survivors, I guess. They give them miles? The women and children sued. None of the passengers on that Sunni flight suit. Wow.

They were probably just grateful to not be dead. Yeah. But it's like when you get there early, we're going to land early. And then they sit on the tarmac for six hours. Yeah. Like, this is not landing early. It's the same with this. You're like, hey, we got there pretty quick, but we're in the water.

Folks, we'll make up for it. We got the wind behind us. Yeah, yeah. Do you ever see the movie Flight with Denzel? Great movie. He's such a good actor that he's a drunk pilot. I'm like, pulling for him. Yeah.

I'm like, he could do. He could turn, he could change. Right. He's such a piece of shit in that movie. I mean, great flick. Great movie. His planes upside down in the beginning. You've watched these replays of, like, Mohamed Ali fighting.

Yeah. Or any kind of sporting event. you know they lost back then, but you're still rooting for them to win. Yeah. You're like, come on, come on, man. Yeah. I watch sex tapes to myself like that. I know I prematurely ejaculate, but maybe this time.

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That's Shopify.com slash drunk. Shopify.com slash drunk. Cha-ching. No, I'm with you, though. I mean, dude, that thrill in Manila doc. Oh, man. We were kings. I think that was it.

Yeah. Oh, my God. George Foreman hosted SNL once when I was on him. He seemed pretty cool. He was cool. And then I saw it at the United Lounge, because I belong to all the clubs because I'm rich. I saw him in the lounge and we talked. Those people, whoever hosts that show, it's like a lifelong membership of friendship

with them. Oh, cool. You know, because it's like being in the foxholes. Right. You know, you stick it's like a fraternity. You know, it's the same with the cast members. But fun and with the host, they just, it's like the highlight of their life. You know, a lot of them are just film actors.

They've never done anything live before. Right. You know. Is it true that his kids are all named George? Yeah. And the girls are Georgina. No way. There's one kid named the grill.

Because he's got some teeth. But he's got a transition. It's a big thing. Damn. So, for me, I remember some of those foremen. Frida. I read that they, that Hulk Hogan was offered the George Foreman grill before him, and he turned it down. What?

And that's like a, that's like hundreds of million dollars. Easily. And he got. Everybody had that thing. Plus the food you sell that you make. Right. On top of it. Oh, yeah.

On the highway? That press was fucking money, dude. I love that. Oh, yeah. It was so primitive, too. It's so simple. It had the grease drip thing over that you put on the bottom. What about the habachi?

You ever use that? You know what habachi is? No, I never did. The little grill? Yeah. I don't think I did. How do you use that? Hot plate?

How about a hot plate? Hot plate? When I was in the pen, dude, I fucking, I used the hot plate. Ben State. Yeah. Who else was, who was like a really cool host? Oh, man. You know, I worked with some real, like, Robert Mitchum was on.

Jesus Christ. You're the two Bridgeport, Connecticut guys. That's right. Yeah, you're right. Yeah. Also, Richard Belsor was from Bridgeport. Oh, shit. P.T. Barnum.

Not proud of it. What was Mitchum like? He was everything you'd think he was. I think drunk? He might have been drinking. There he is. He might have been drinking. I don't know.

Wow. I don't know. Look at those glasses. He agreed to do it because his granddaughter, I think this is what I heard. His granddaughter had a film. She wanted to air on there, and they would air it if he hosted. Wow. But, yeah, I remember.

Did he have a good sense of humor? He did. And the dress show, it was. It was shaky. Yeah. But in the live show, he just came around. And one of my favorite sketches I wrote with him in it, it was based on the old Raymond Chandler films, you know, like film noir.

Yeah. And, you know, where he would narrate it, the voiceover. So I wrote a sketch where me and Jan Hooks come in. I'm a gangster and, you know, she's a mall. And he's sitting behind the desk. He's a private eye. And we come in and he starts narrating it. But he's not, it's not in the film.

He's hiding behind the plant. I don't know who these two were, but I was about to find out. Who are you talking to? Nobody. He goes, excuse me, I got to use the restroom. And he'd leave. The door would be part open. I was hoping that they would leave, but they wouldn't, you know.

And I said, what's going on? That's great. That's the perfect person to get for that. Oh, man. He was the guy. He was the guy. He's so cool. Yeah.

But I remember during the table read once, there was a word hoodlum and in the middle of the sketch he stops it which is weird you know takes all the wind out of the sail and he started talking about the word hoodlum and he pronounced hoodlum hoodlum and he had a whole riff on where it came from i don't remember because i was drunk yeah how about uh phil hartman i mean it was great man one of the best of all time i remember when we first got to New York, we're doing the filming for the cold opening and all that stuff. And he wasn't there. He was somewhere else.

And people were talking about the old guy, the old guy that's on the cast. And he was 37 at the time. Jesus. And we thought, that is old, man. Wow. But yeah, he was the best. He was the best. He didn't speak a lot, right?

But he was like the glue guy. Yeah. He held the sketches. And he was the good artist, too, a graphic artist. What? that he did crosbie stills and Nash what I didn't know that no way he designed all these albums are you serious

are you kidding me yeah oh my god he designed the Asia album which is insane holy shit I had no idea wow he did the Beatles the Beatles first show up wow yeah Phil was really good we had offices right next to each other

and he was always into some kind of a new thing Like you'd go to his office and he'd have like a sailboat model on the thing. And then, you know, he's looking through navigational things. And he got into sailing. It's like a week later or whatever. There's like an airplane in there, you know. And he's like taking flying lessons.

And it was like something different. Now he's got watercolors. He's going. He's a little there. But yeah, he was really, he was something else, man. He was so good. Where did he come from? I don't know his origin.

I think his brother managed America. And Poco. What? That's right. Yeah. Yeah. John, I think his name was. How about that?

But he was from the groundlings. Oh, okay. L.A. guy. Damn. That's crazy. I remember seeing that S&L audition tape, and he does, like, a detective character. He does that Mace guy. Yeah.

The Mace. There was another sketch I wrote for him with that character where he's got me as a hostage. And I say, I say, Mace, let me go. I swear to God, I won't tell anybody. Well, you better not tell anybody, because if you do, I'll put a bullet in your head. you know and I said okay I I I go you just stay right there I said okay I promise but can you just entie me so I can go to the bathroom or you better not make any moves

and he enties me and he tries me and he tried to run and he crashed me I told you not to me what are you doing you know so every time I promise I wouldn't try to escape and he kept believing me and I wrote lines like if you're smart you'll be smart yeah so that was fun yeah and then the 90s you got norm I mean I'm sure you get asked about norm all the time but I mean, I mean, you did a bunch of gigs with them too, right? Oh, yeah, yeah.

I do gigs with Norm, but when Norm came on SNL, he's a writer. He's just a writer. And he was just kind of, he was kind of unique because he wouldn't, you would never know what he was thinking about. You know, he'd be kind of, he got into a fight once, I forget who it was with. Somebody, he was smoking and somebody said, put the cigarette out. I forget who it was with.

But, yeah, you wouldn't, and he would just write. And then all of a sudden, he'd be in sketches and we would do gigs together and I remember he would be very forgetful and I think it might have been when he was going through cancer because he had cancer for 10 years didn't tell anybody yeah and people I'd see people walk out of his show because they thought he was drunk but I think it was from and I remember too he'd always wherever we went he would always get bitters and soda water that was the drink and maybe it was to calm his stomach down Yeah.

But yeah, he was funny. He loved to gamble. He loved to gamble, man. And he was so unreliable. And he loved to not pay back loans. And I remember we were somewhere in Canada, some casino. And he comes out, you know, we're both co-headlining. He comes off the stage.

He goes, hey, can you loan me $500? The ATM won't give me $500 until at 1 o'clock tonight. I said, yeah, because they know you, Norm. And so I gave it to him. him and the next morning I go, hey, Norm, did you win up the tables? You got that 500? Yeah, go back and get it. Not yet, but I'll get it. And that went out for like two or three days. And then Sunday morning we're getting really. I said, Norm, you've got to pay back people when you borrow money from them. That's disrespectful. He goes, what are you complaining about? You only lost

$500. I lost $5,000. I lost $5,000. That's amazing. Yeah, man. Yeah. It was a trip, man. Working with so many of these people. And, you know, with Farley and Sandler, Mike Myers. You were a little older than them when they knew on the show. Did you kind of take them under your wing? What was the relationship like? Well, who looks healthier there?

He's too big to take under my wing right there. You know, you kind of, you know, people say is it competitive on that show? It must be really competitive. It is competitive, but it's a quiet competitiveness. It's really slight. And also, like, you're not going to do what he does. No. Yeah, different animal.

No, no one's going to write stuff for me that he does. Yeah. But it is kind of jockeying. I always thought, how can it not be competitive? How can you not get a fair shake when you got a stack of sketches, however long it takes three hours to get through them all? And you spent all night writing your sketch, and then there comes a sketch that's funny. Do you laugh at it because it'll take away from yours getting checked up? I mean, how could you, you know, if you laugh, it's a fake laugh.

It's like, ha ha, ha, you know, it's not, but, I mean, you want the show to do well, so you want the best sketches on there. But it's a natural instinct, I think, just not to, you know, because you want your sketch to do well. But, but, yeah, when you came on the show you're new, everybody's scared. You know, they're not sure what to do and how to write a sketch. And I wrote a sketch in the beginning that had an ending. And we finished reading that, and Lauren goes, ah, so that's the ending of the story. sketch okay or something like that yeah that's when i learned you know by an ending he just let it fade out i guess i think i like an ending so yeah so there's a you know there's that writing thing and then

there's just you know being on uh the guy is trying to get away he's like you got to stop getting away and then the voice comes on he's like and then he did stop right yeah yeah i remember right before i was going on it to do my first sketch was a subliminal sketch um you know and it's live and it's s nl like i'm standing there on the stage and they're coming back from 10 seconds from the commercial. And Lorne Michaels, creator of the show, he puts his hand on my shoulder. He goes, are you sure this is what you want? Whoa.

You know what I mean? Do you want this fame and all that? Jeez. And then boom, you got to go on. Is he trying to psych you out? No, no, because he wants, he's trying to loosen you up. You know, like that's a silly question. Yeah.

Right. Now you've did TV for so long, and now you see how the entertainment industry operates today with the internet and Instagram. Do you hate it more now? Was it more fun then? I know it's just different. You know, it's different. You know, it's like I said, when I was doing the weekend update, there was no Google or, you know, we had just newspapers and associated press photos that we went through.

And you try to take a photo of somebody who's like, I try to make a joke out of it, you know? Right. So it was a lot more, I think, challenging back then. And no phones, cell phones, really. Yeah. There was no computers. Like, we write the sketch on a legal pad and then give it to the PAs and they'd have electric typewriters.

Whoa. And they'd try to get it all done by the table. Well, back in your time coming up, you needed to have talent. You know, like, now there's so many followings of, like, people who are like, I'm going to, I'm going to take a bite of this new Pop-Tart flavor and tell you if it's good or not. And that's like, that person was like five million followers. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. And it's like, but, you know, you're laboring over these jokes.

you're you know stressing over it was being on SNL at that time and we can update in New York was that like that must have been fun going out I mean you must have been totally oh it was crazy man it was like he felt like the mayor of New York yeah yeah you know and uh yes we do have a table with mr. nillan how about get out of there get out of whoa and you tell us about some cool 80s parties the thing about these um they had these after parties and you know it's late at night the show ended at one o'clock and by the time you get out of there, it's like 1.30 or whatever. And we each had our own limo. We bring our guests. Jesus. The hardest part of that show was getting your guests in. I don't know if you had that problem at a comedy club.

Sure. You're not even able to think about your thing because, hey, we can't get in. We're having trouble down here. Like, oh, shit. And then afterwards, they want to go to the after party. Yeah. I never wanted to go to those things because it wasn't even a party. It was just a place for your friends to come and gawk at everybody.

Yeah. You hit your own table. You had to pay for it. You know, your drinks. and then Lauren would be at the back table talking to Neil Young or whoever, you know. And then you're up until like four in the morning. Were you single at this time or now? I was single.

Oh, boy. So the first like the first three or four years of us. So there's no curiosity at these parties? Yeah, you're a tall cup of jizz. You're on the weekend update. I mean, you could be swinging. Yeah. I mean, you know, I had a girlfriend.

But, you know, your whole life is being in that building. Yeah, and you just totally focused on it. And we didn't get paid that much. You don't get paid much to be on that show. It's like, I can't even remember. It was it, it was $4,000 a show or $8,000? And Lauren goes, you know, spend all your money in an apartment because you want to be comfortable.

Damn. And I remember getting an apartment finally done in the West Village. This was tricked out. This was a federal-style building. It was a walk-up. There's only four floors. The top two was ours. High ceiling.

It was like the Friends apartment. Wow. ceiling, fireplaces in the dining room, four fireplaces, the old wood floors, right? And big tall windows looking down on the cobblestone street. $4,000 a month, which that seemed like a lot back then. Sure. I mean, that is a lot. In the 90s, that's a lot of money.

Yeah. I wouldn't know. What were you making a week back then, you think? I think it was $8,000. 8,000 a week. It might have been $4,000. I don't know. Oh, wow.

For sure. It means good. Yeah. Yeah. And it was opening up all this other stuff for you, too. You know, with... Oh, yeah, yeah. Movies.

Movies, yeah. You know, it's a crazy thing is, you know, we all get paid that minimum amount. But the writers, we found out were getting paid more. And Lauren would say, you guys would be making tons of money when you do this show. They'll always be writers. And he's talking about Conan O'Brien was one of the writers. You know, Greg Daniels from the office. Those guys are going to struggle.

Yeah, they're going to struggle, man. Dave Mendel, who's a big writer producer. Seinfeld. And so, yeah, so, you know, and some people did make, you know, Sam. And Bob Odenkirk was a writer, right? Bob Odenkirk was a writer, too. So the writing stuff was like Conan, Bob Odenkirk. That's wild.

Robert Smigel. Damn. Smigel, the king. And I think David Tell wrote on SNL for a while. Yeah, yeah, he did. For a year, right? And all the cast members wrote, too. most of us, you know, I wrote, I was hired as a feature player and a writer the first year.

And I was going to be guaranteed seven shows to be on. But I was on every show because I write for myself. I got myself on there, you know. So, you know, you had those great writers. And then you had the cast that were writing too. Mike Myers came in with a lot of his stuff. Dane and I came up with Hans and Franz and some other things like that. And, and Nora.

And you almost made a movie about Hans and Front. Yeah, we did, yeah. With Schwarzenegger. With Schwartz. Yeah. So here's a thing. You know, Schwarzenegger. love those characters and

and we came up with an idea to do a movie. He was going to co-star in it and co-produce it and I wrote it with Dana Smigel and Conan. Holy shit. Wow, where's this flick? You got to get that rebooted. It turned it to be a musical, which is really

fun. You know, we start out, we want to go to the West Coast to find our cousin Arnold. And so we live in Little Austria, which is in New York. You take the Roosevelt tramway up there. It's all black and white. It's like next to Chinatown, but it's way up high in the mountains. And everything's black and white. And it's like the old 18, 20s, they're using the stick broom. You know, they're all like,

so we just go off to the West Coast. We're on a bicycle bill for two. Tadling all the way out there. We pick up pitch kikers along the way and they hook them up with the unicycle behind us. And yeah, so we wrote this movie and he was going to be in it. And we, we were. We were all excited about it, and it was going to be at Sony. And then he had just done the last action hero, where he buried himself a little bit. So he decided to go another way, another movie. So the problem was we relied too heavily on him. The part should have been just a smaller part.

Right. And I think it would have rolled. But recently he's, you know, he went on Conan's podcast, and May and Dana read it with Conan. And then Schwarzenator comes on, you know, a couple weeks later. It's just loving the script. You know, there's a movie, the Hans and Franz movie, the Girlie Man Dilemma. It was so funny, you know, you go to the bathroom. They go, here's the directions.

You go down the hall. You make a write at the pictorial statue. And then you go into the bathroom and there'll be some buttocks, you know, with the, you know, it's all plastered stuff. And he loved it. And he was just laughing and just, you know, these guys, Dana Kavie and Kavie and Kavie Nielin, they just, this is so funny. Yeah, where were you? 30 years ago. Yeah, right?

Where was this attitude? Well, it's hard, man. We're trying to make a movie right now, and we're close. It's not going to happen. It's a miracle of it. We wrote it for Arnold Schwarzenegger. I got a good feeling. He loves it.

He loves it. No, but, you know, you attach a guy like Arnold. You feel like you're good to go. It's crazy. Yeah. I don't even know if you ever read it back then. He can't read. Let me ask you, though.

You're on SNL for a couple years. When it's over, are you terrified? No. You're just out there? I'm excited. I was, you know, I had done nine years on that show. That's a long time back then. That was the longest.

And I was kind of bored. I mean, I would be going on to do a sketch with food of my mouth from the craft service table. Damn. I mean, pick a food out of my mouth as I'm doing a sketch. And my friends are in my dressing room. They're all crowded. It's a little room. They're crowded in there.

They got a blender making margaritas and they're watching some other show. I can't even get into the change. All right. So when I left, I was fine. Plus, I had a sitcom to go to, too. It was the first DreamWorks television show. And Stephen Spielberg would be there and everything. What?

It was called Champs. Pull it up. And they had a lot of, I don't even know if you'd be able to pull it up. They had a lot of, you could take it out, but you can't pull it up. They had a lot of, you know, hands in the, you know. Cooks in the kitchen? Yeah, cooks in the kitchen. Yeah.

Not hands in the kitchen. And it would, and it just got to be too crazy, and it got canceled after like four or five episodes. Did you like the show? Yeah, I kind of liked it. Oh, this is so 90s. Oh, that guy. He's a regular guy. Yeah.

Do you remember the next punchline before I play it? No. I couldn't remember it then either. Damn. Wow. Once you got a sitcom in the 90s, I got made it. A sitcom with Richard Lewis that was supposed to be great. It's called Hiller and Dism.

Diller and Diller. In fact, pull it up. Yeah, he was, I remember he was like 50 at the time and he forget his lines. And he look at me and he go, I'm 50. I'm 50 years old. I can't, I can't remember that. Tell me what you're going to say exactly. Don't improvise. Is that Jan Hooks? Yeah, she was the most underrated. She's very good. Sketch actress on SNL. Uh-oh. Boomer. This is revealing your age right here. Yeah. Is the phone light on to? It's a loud ring. Was that Sandler? Hey, Jan.

Sorry about that. Dude, you're in great shape, by the way. I am. You're kind of like, he's kind of ripped. Yeah, yeah, look at those arms. Good veins. Look at that. Holy shit.

That's crazy. We call them guns, man, where I come from. That is legit. Oh, damn. Open Gary. He could kick our ass, dude. Wow. What, uh...

You know, the thing about big guys is they're not that tough because they've never had to get in the fights. It's the little guys you've got to look out for. Right. Look at you, Salacuse. Brad Williams will kill you. God Williams will take you down, man. I looked up your purchasing power of your apartment was $4,000 in 1987.

Yeah. That would be like having any $11,600 apartment today. That's a month. $213, though. Oops, no, 226. Oh, sorry. Okay. Yeah, you're right.

You were bowling, dude. That's a lot of money. That's a lot of money. That's what I'm paying for rent now. Did you Yeah, that's crazy, dude. Yeah, that seemed like so much money back then. Yeah.

That's a lot of money. And it was. Even for a rich guy like me. But then you were on weeds for a while, right? Yeah, I was on weeds for eight seasons. I was really lucky, man. I stepped into these things. But the Hiller and Dillon thing with Richard Lewis

was a really interesting show. And that was the same thing. It was highly touted, commercial, spots where they were paying a lot of money, you know, sponsors. Yeah. And, yeah, Eugene Levy was on the show too. Oh, shit. Oh, he's great.

Yep. Look at that height order. There we go, man. Wow. Richard Lewis was hilarious, huh? Yeah, he's great on curb. Yeah. We always want him on the pod.

I'd be end with him a little bit, and how long were you guys doing this pot? Oh, like five years. Five years, yeah. I opened for him once at Comics in Manhattan, and he was like, hey, all right. kid, all right, and he had a briefcase. And he was being nice. And he goes, keep an eye on my briefcase while I go out there. And I was like, okay.

And then he was about to go out there and he looked at me and he looked at the briefcase and he took it on stage. I guess he didn't trust me to watch it. You know what he would do to me is when we were on this show, he would call me at home to talk about the show and the sketches and stuff or the characters. And then if he said something where he got a big laugh from me, he would hang him. hang up. It was like a mic drop. And I didn't know. He did. I go, so Richard, when you do that part, hello? Hello? I go, ah. Ah, that's fun. You know, it's crazy. He went to baseball camp upstate with Larry David when they were like eight. And they hated each other.

And they hated each other. Yeah. And then they became friends in the comedy scene. I saw it at his memorial, they played a clip of him like on a candid camera show when he was probably 13. Oh, wow. With another guy. You could see all the mannerisms, you know, as a kid. It was so interesting to see that. I used to love you.

He had this roll of jokes. That's him. That's the one right there. Wow. 56. I've gone through your DAT and your other records in school. What is this? 12.000. In fact, you've been done to all the past three and a half weeks now.

And I've come to the very definite and firm conclusion that you would be Perfectly suited for manual labor You know, say manual labor? Yes. That's all, just manual labor? Manual labor. See, I have to be suited for manual labor. We don't tell him to just manual labor.

You got to see when his friend comes in, though. Can you play when his friends comes in? Oh, sure. I'll find it. Wow. Have you scroll it? No, it looked like it was that one. It should be this one.

I think he'll come in. He's on the right one. I think you're just going to go to the next slide. Oh, I see, I see. Yeah. Oh, never mind. Was he, was his Coke? What was his vice?

Alcohol, I think. Oh, was it booze? Oh, who knows? It was at least booze. A couple things. He would come in and I, he wanted, you know, like I said, a glass of white wine. Yeah. Such a weird drink to be a drunk on.

I know. Classic. So he must have been doing all this stuff. I think it was some heroin in there. He had a joke I loved as a kid where he said, I was dating the girls. She was really loose. I called her up once.

I got an ear infection. When I was a kid, my head exploded. That's crazy. Who influenced you guys? Who did you emulate when you first started? Roddy, Seinfeld, Chris Rock, Carlin. I remember one time I did a gig at a place called The Horn. It was like one of the last supper clubs, you know?

And they have a singer, a comic singer. And I finished my set. I'm really green at the time. I'm walking past the bar in the back. It's kind of dark. And this guy with an old-fashioned Mets hat turns out. Yeah, it's really good kid. Stay with it.

It was scarlet. Whoa. And that, you know, that kind of stuff makes you go for another year or so. Sure. Damn. Yeah. He was so, I mean, Shandling said he met him at some random comedy club and like Tempey. And he goes, yeah, he's like, give me some of your stuff.

Let me see some of your stuff. And he came back the next day and he read it all, put notes in it. And he said, there was something funny on each page. Really? Yeah, which is insane. He did homework for Shandling. I love writing jokes for, other comics.

Like when I go see a comic... You gave me a tag once like many years. I opened to your Carolines. I want to say like... It must have been 15 years ago or so long. And you gave me a tag and I was like, oh my God. No one does that. That was kind of cool.

Oh, I love doing tags, man. Because I think about them a lot. See, I was going to give one to Whitney Cummings the other day. She didn't want to know about it. She didn't want to have anything to do it. I forget what it was. But yeah, I can't remember now. That's, you know, when you think of a joke, you got to write it down.

At least I do. otherwise you won't remember it later and that's horrible isn't it the worst feeling yeah during sex you're like I got to come immediately if I'm gonna lose this it's like it's like losing a sneeze yeah right oh yeah no middle of the night phone voice memo back to sleep yep for sure and then people always do that shit where they go if it's funny you'll remember it no that's not true I had a dream once I was on doing the tonight show I come out and do my opening joke audience would not stop laughing they would not stop laughing and

You know, they had to end the show and they were still laughing. And I thought, I've discovered the perfect joke. I had the perfect joke. I was so excited. I woke myself up. I wrote it down. I wrote it down. I went back to bed and I woke up later that morning.

And I'm going on, I'm away to the bathroom. And I go, wait a minute. I had that dream with a joke. And I wrote it down. So I couldn't wait to get back and I, you know, get the paper off of the night. I could barely read it. I swear to God it goes, take my wife, please. No.

Come on. So I came up with that joke. That was a good joke. It was a good joke. So often that you write it down, you're like, this was funny? I know. That's why I stopped smoking weed. I was like, I think something was funny.

I was like, this isn't funny. Yeah, yeah. I ran to Letterman a year or two ago. He goes, I often quote your joke. It's the funniest joke ever. It's a Lincoln joke. I go, which one? It was the Lincoln joke.

Like, I should know. I said, I'm not sure. He goes, you know, the Lincoln, where you go, I said, tell me what it is. He goes, well, you know, you say, you know, Lincoln used to walk to school every day in the snow. But what they don't tell you is he was, he's always late. And I thought, oh, okay, I don't really remember that one. He goes, well, I've been giving you credit for it. So I thought, well, maybe it is mine.

So the next time I went to a club, I tried it, crickets, nothing. So it must not have been my joke. I wonder who that could be. Yeah. Lincoln, snow. What's the punchline? Is that he's late. Ah.

Yeah. It's like they brag that he walked in the snow, but he's late. Ah, all right. Well, I get why it didn't work. Yeah. My best audience is a dinner party. Uh-huh. Because then you kind of riff with people.

Do some crowd work. Yeah. It's funny. You know, and then that's where you can really find out. That's where you need a notebook right under the, or at least record it, have a recording, you know, going on. I got quoted for a joke. I didn't say once and I was like that's not bad it was I someone just tagged me it

it was like have you noticed that the Beatles are dying in the in the order of how cool they are I was pretty good I wish I did right that yeah it's true I mean Paul's the man yeah how much longer do you think these guys will go like Mick Jagger and he looks pretty good they're inspiring problem but I saw him about two years ago they were cooking they were moving they were rocking out Mick was bopping and weaving it is amazing that everyone's like all these health gurus are just dying and Keith Richards goes on. It's wild. He's just cooking.

Yeah. Is he healthy now or is he just still like, fuck it? He looks like a lizard. I said hello to him at the 50th SNL reunion. Yeah. And he shook my hand. And it's just, you know he hasn't done any manual labor. It was like a baby's hand.

It was so soft. It's kind of like small. Yeah. And his cheeks were so plump. I was feeling his cheeks. and his lips were so greasy. I did see Paul McCartney there. I remember such small talk.

I was giving such small talk. He gets all the time probably, right? And I knew him from, like, he was on the show when I was there. And from the 40th, I knew him. And so he must get this all the time. I go, hey, Paul, how's it going? I said, that was a great choice of songs, man,

golden slumbers. He was, you know, Loan wanted me to do that one. And so it doesn't matter, man, but I'm sure you had other songs you could fall back on, right? I'm trying to joke around. He goes, yeah, well, you know, oh, let me introduce you to my niece, my nephew. And he brings me over to these four tall guys, black hair, looked nothing like him. And he brought me in there, and he left. He left me with those guys.

Oh, no. I thought that's how you do it, man. He's got all kinds of tricks, I bet. Oh, that's amazing. some Jedi shit. Yeah. Come over here for a second. Peace forever.

Well, gone. Dana Gould said he met Paul McCartney, and he was like, all right, Paul McCartney, Beatle, got to be cool, got to be cool. And he goes up to Paul and he just immediately falls out. He's like, oh, my God, you're the king. I love it. And Paul goes, take a minute and then come back. And Dana was like, man, he's had this happen so much.

He has like a regiment. He knows what to do. Oh, yeah. He's got it all down there. He's doing it for you. And the way he walks from a car into the building. it's hard to do if you're having a bad day your friend dies you walk in

but yeah I remember looking at his mouth just looking at his mouth because he had no moles on us like Andy Kaufman and I thought those little lips where all those songs came out of you know hey Jude all those get back

and the tongue sent them out the tongue pushed them out I'm dissecting the whole thing, you know? And it was weird just being that close to him, seeing somebody that famous. Yeah, who's someone that you, because you've seen so many people, who's someone that you feel starstruck around? Because it can't be that often, given how many people you've been around. Yeah, no, it's very rare.

Jack Nicholson, maybe. Oh, shit. Where did you meet him? I did a movie with him with Sandler, Anger Management. Oh, yeah. I played a lawyer. Yes. And I ended up throwing, like, a tennis ball.

I think I hit him in the head or something with it. I'm not sure with it. And a year later, Sandler told me, he says he runs into Jack Nicholson. And he goes, how's that lawyer friend of yours? Like he thought I was a real lawyer. Damn, he remembered you. He did remember me. Why does he want to know how I am?

What's going on? Was the interaction good with him or no? It wasn't much. Yeah. You know, I mean, he loves Sandler. All these guys love Sandler. They're intimidated by him, I think. But I don't think he barely saw me, you know, registered.

It's like, you know, we're touring with Sandler. It's crazy. It's crazy. It's crazy. It's crazy. It's crazy. It's crazy. Yeah.

And running around. Then they really wouldn't see me. No, he really, it's amazing. Now, I remember we were in some hotel and I think it was in Atlanta, and there was a wedding party. and Spade just ran up behind the party and photo bomb them and they were like, oh my God! And Sandler comes around and Spade just runs over and goes, don't you dare let them know something betters around the corner.

I know. Stanley has that effect. You just like, it's also hilarious just hooping with him because you just see like when guys take it too hard, he'll kind of let him know in his game. Yeah, yeah. And I love it. Like he'll do the head pop with the ball a little bit.

Whoa. And I love it. Damn. Because I'm just like, oh, he's pissed. but he's not going to be a dick, but he didn't let him know. No, he's a tough guy too. Yeah, for sure. Yeah.

No, it feels good when you're on this team and you win. It definitely... Yeah. You're like, I better work for the extra rebounds. But I noticed he's slowing down a little bit. Well, you know, late 50s. Is he in late 50s? Yeah, right?

Pull it up. Pull it up. He's still playing, though. I know. It's impressive to still be moving. Yeah. Yeah. I just kind of gradually stopped playing.

59. There you go. I just stopped playing because, you know, just get so many injuries and, you know, your body starts hurting. But you played in Shanling's game, right? Yeah, yeah, we played there a lot. And those were amazing, those games. It was almost like a, you know, it was like the host of a talk show.

I said, who did we got on, who do we got on this Sunday? You know, we got the company coming in. Steve's a Gall. Yeah, Steve's a Gall. And then afterwards we'd have, you know, just gathering his little TV room. You had a TV on with the game, Sound Down, and Adam McKay would be there, Judd Apatow. Wow. Can Juddhoove?

I hate the size of them up, but I'm not seeing that. Nobody was really that good at those games. You know, it was all kind of mediocre. You know who was good was DeCovine was good. George Clooney was good. They both had the same kind of minimalist moves, like from Princeton because DeCovine played for Princeton. And you're just good outside shot.

You know, never really over, never worked up a sweat. Yeah. And I remember one day Tom Petty came. Wow. Walking down the pathway, I thought, Tom Petty played basketball? He was fully on street clothes, no shorts or anything. Anyway, it turns out he was just watching because he knows Gary from the Larry Sanders show because he was on that. And he sat on the bench by the court and he had his legs crossed.

Ow, my balls. His legs crossed. But it wasn't just once. It seemed like it was like a rope where he went around like a couple of times because he's so thwarted. thin. Yeah. And he had a cigarette. He was chain smoking one hand, and he always had another cigarette ready to go.

Whoa. And this one burned out. He was just bringing it into the mouth like that. Crazy. Yeah, yeah. So that was fun. And then afterwards you'd have like, you know, you'd hang out in that little TV room and the game on and Adam McKay and stuff.

And they'd be asking him questions because he was like the mentor to everybody. And he'd be sitting in a chair like this and we'd be all sitting around, you know, still in recovering, you know, still red and sweating. And we just talk about comedy. It was such a great hang. Yeah. He'd have catered food, you know, from some deli nearby. And I knew in his cupboard he had my favorite cookies.

It was full of like Pepperidge Farm, Double Chocolate, Milano cookies lined up. And everything was so neat in this house. You open up the refrigerator, there's no leftovers in there. It's all like, you know, Perrier is lined up in a row, clean, you know, maybe a little something from the deli the night before, but still let's hop on it, you know. Did you ever see his documentary, the one that Apertow did? Yeah. I don't know, but I don't know if he saw it because there's that great part in the end where his girl wants to get married.

And he's kind of like, I don't know if I'm a marriage guy. And he goes, how about this? We'll get married when we finish building the house. So he just kept adding wings onto the house because he didn't want it to end. So he'd have to get married. What's interesting, too, because he's definitely a hero of yours. You had a kid late. Were there ever points where you're like asking him, what do I do?

No, not for that, because he was totally blank on that kind of stuff. He had trouble committing, too. Yeah. You know, but I remember seeing him like a couple of days before he died. We were at this restaurant in Malibu, on PCH, outside. And I said, Gary, you seen anybody these days? He said, well, I have a therapist that I've been going to. No, I said, no, I don't mean therapy.

I mean, the woman. He was thinking, and he goes, no, you know, just. I just got to get my health together first. Hey, see, it's always something. Something he's got to do. But he did tell me how he, this is funny. I said, Gary, how do you, when you invite somebody back to your room, how do you like make that move? He goes, what I do is I sit on the side of the bed and she's standing over there and I'll check my answer machine.

You know, a little beeper at the time, landline. And I'll be checking and listening. And then I'll go like this to her. Yeah, you know. You know, kind of like, this is not the, you know, another sit here. I'm going to be on the phone. So it's not like, and then, you know, and then it would start from there. Did he date Sharon Stone or am I crazy?

I think he did. Wow. I think so. I mean, he was definitely in the show. I don't know if it was real. Pull that up, but pretty, he had quite a dating history. He actually did. He was charming.

He's very charming, enlightened guy. And he'd do a lot of jokes about his mother. how she wanted to marry him or something. And my favorite joke, I did it, the memorial actually, was my biggest fear is that Gary Shannon will spend the rest of eternity with his mother now. Wow, Sharon Stone and Linda Doucette and Silverman. Holy moly. He got the young silver.

Well, Sarah would always play basketball with us, too. Oh, really? Yeah. Caitlin Clark. That's not bad. Michael Jackson. Just grow up back. Michael Jackson down there.

Wow. He's ranked 5-410 of all people who have ever dated. I don't know what that means. I don't know what it means either, but there's a ranking apparently. Ah, all right. Do you ever go on AI? My son went on AI, chat GBT, and he typed in as Kevin Neal and Hansom. Oh, God.

Just could get ugly. I don't remember exactly, but it's something to the fact that, you know, comedy is very appealing to women. It was like one of those things. That's amazing. Let's see what it says. Let's see what we got here. ChatGBT. Many people would say Kevin is kind of understated.

Classic comedy, comedy handsome. Ooh, that's bad. Comedy handsome's handsome. Yeah, yeah, that's true. Calm slide demeanor. Aging of that silver-haired dad whose golf aesthetic plays pretty well. Okay. It never really marked it as a heartthrob.

That's fair. actors are. You don't want to be a hardthroat as a comedian. Effortly. Yeah, who would want Matt Rife's life? You guys play an arena. What a horrible life that would be. Let's check and see Sam's. Sam Sandsome. Let's see.

Sam who? It's going to nag me and call me. Here we go. There we go. There's no Sam Kinnisson. A lot of people would say yes, especially within comedy. Oh, okay. Good bone structure, tired eyes.

Tall, just as cleanly as a deep voice. Hey. Wow, this knows it stuff. I'm a little disappointed. I thought it would be really, really. He's not movie star polished. We could have ended the first paragraph and I would have felt very good about myself. I guess, like, actually, actually, I take back everything I said.

He doesn't smell well. Are we throwing Norman in there? Oh, don't do me. I can't handle it. Oh, no. But who's the funniest out of the three? I wish my mom wrote this. Every man handsome.

Oh, that means mediocre. It means just like every other guy. Yeah. Impressive eyes. Good hair. Expressive eyes. Oh, expressive. I don't know about that.

Yes, his earlobes deserve their own billing. You know what to get a little. rope beef sandwich. We definitely know to get a roast beef sandwich at midnight in Queens no you fucking don't

oh my Kevin James this thing of this scam right here you don't know where to get a fucking sandwich in Brooklyn

let alone Queens almost presidential if the president exclusively discussed airline snacks and diarrhea on stage I don't discuss

airline snacks I like how they asked about his looks and they're like and he only tell shitty jokes as well

and a roast beef beef this thing's got it's got a It's got a ways to go. Yeah, yeah, thank God. I also don't think I have good bone struck. Cut that out.

I mean, those guys must be rang pretty high in the dating list. Yeah. We're talking about L.A. in the 80s. Because Jack Nicholson's not really handsome by standards. No. But he's just so cool that he's handsome. It's not like a real good singer either, right? Right, but it works.

It's authentic. Nicholson, cool goes a long way. Think of like if Nicholson got like, everyone's fixing their hair now. What if Nicholson fix his hair? He wouldn't be as cool. It wouldn't be. Good point. The balding was kind of cool.

I agree. I'm just reading The Shining now, the book. Yeah. It's better than the movie, but I picture him in it. That was such a good movie of his. Oh, yeah. By the way, ranked 181, Nicholson on the dating list. I wouldn't know who's ranked one.

Yeah. He's got to be Rockstar. What is it? Will Chamberlain? It could be Chamberlain. All right, dating history. Here we go. What does that mean, though?

Exactly. Kate Moss. Wow. Warflin Boyle. Wow. This is, oh, Sharon Stone's on every one of them. Oh, man. She got around.

She bums you up a notch. too. Amber Smith. I don't care. Angie Everhart, Hotchy, Mucci. Delpy. Jack Nicholson? Yeah.

We haven't even gotten to the 70s yet. Yeah, right? Oh, man. Karen Mayo. Sonia Morgan. From housewives? Hover. I don't know these people are, but they all look good.

They look great. Winnie Holden. There's an Amish guy. Look at the Amish woman there. They don't discriminate. Onassis. Rachel Ward. She was hot.

Pretty woman. Hudson. Hot chute. She was bright time. Yeah. Wow. Apparently he had a huge hug. Kelly LeBrock.

Wow. LeBrock. I think it's pretty women or weird science? Weird science. Angelica Houston. Damn. You know this guy did well when it took that long to get to Angelica. Bergen.

Damn. Veruchka von Laterhoff. Is this all verified? Yeah. Don't go to Michael Jackson's page. It's going to be really depressing. Let's see Jared Fogle next. Is there an end to this?

No? Oh, my, Madonna. Heidi Flights. Whoa, she was a madam. Harley Simon. You're so vain. You're so vain. And also this guy.

He was also with this guy. I bet Warren Beatty's in the mix, too. Oh, pull it up. We're talking all-time Poonhounds. Yeah, good one. Yeah, Warren Beatty. That's the worst spelling. They couldn't even find it.

Warren Batty. B-E-A-T-T-Y. There you go. And then Warren, W-A-R-R. Warren comes first. I didn't know it has to be that specific. Oh, geez. Beatty.

All right. With an E. Nothing. E-A-T-Y. E-A. Start from B. This is great podcasting right here. B-E-A.

T-T-Y. Thank you. There we go. There he is. See the photo. He's got to be up there. Oh, totally. 250.

That's pretty damn good. Nicholson's hired than him? Nicholson beat him. You know why? Because he got married. Leo. Leo's going to have a run. But he got married.

That's why because he tapped out after Bugsy. Right. Another Madonna. They were in Dick Tracy. Oh, Darrell Hannah. Hello. Damn. Kelly McGillis.

She had a rough. Oh, Mary Tyler Moore. Wow. He dipped in the comedy. I love it. Janice again. I'm Diane Keaton's a big one

because you got personality there too Just look at this trifecta right here This is crazy That was all the same night Those three Wow Hachy machi Jackson Michelle Phillips again

Whoa Barbara Minty We should keep score Baby Buell Baby Buell again Harley Simon again Melanie Griff They swung in the same circles Oh yeah

Look at that mouth Oh my gosh Goldie Joni. I like for the first part of this was an interview, and now it's just three horny guys. Yeah, Jane Fonda. Barbara.

Who went to like good stories. Look at her mouth and her bone structure. Holy shit. Bridget Parker. Well, we did ourselves, too, just to keep it even. Lexington know we're watching movies. Yeah. Speaking of which, you guys want to get a roof piece sandwich.

I know a spot. Damia, pull up Jeter. I found out who's number one, by the way. Who? Sabrina Carpenter. What? Number one. How's that work?

What does that mean? I don't have no idea. Because the guy she did. Banged a bunch of guys. Can't be right. I don't know. Women can do it. Four guys.

There's six guys. Yeah, this is rigged. Yeah. What does that mean? Nicholson and Beatty had a life. Holy shit. Do Leo. Them right before they died,

their life flashing before their eyes, they're going to come. It's going to be epic. It's going to be so cool. Yeah, that's true. Do you think they ever lay in bed going, Okay, let's start from the beginning. Who was I with?

Yes. I do that. A woman you did ask you, like, who are you with? For them, they're like, do you have like four weeks or something? Yeah, yeah, what's your buddy gets? 16! That's the age. Ah, you made me to it.

16 is, that's a high ranking. That's impressive. Oh, my gosh. See, it's almost cooler when you've never heard of them, because that means they're like some Russian model horror. Yeah, yeah. These three, top three are all in 2023. Jeez. That's what he's in 2020.

These also. Ah. We're not out of 2023. Oh, these women are all smoking. And they're all young as shit. They're too young. Ah, speak for yourself. Alina, they're all legal.

Oh, my God. This looks like a Ford modeling agency, just flipping through it. Rihanna! In 2015, Rihanna, too. Damn. Was that before or after Chris Brown? They both hit that. Oh, my God.

Sorry. All right. That's a good run here for Leo, too. All right, all right. Pete Diddy! Rumor! You can't put rumors in? If that's true, I'm up to 12.

Wait, the rumors that he molested Leo? Apparently. Oh, yeah. Carmen Electra, Paris, Piers. Is that... Yeah, by the way, that should knock you into the 200s, at least. Yeah, sure. You still be in the top 16 after that.

I think Epstein's one. Giselle... Where's P. Diddy right now? Vanessa Trump. He's in prison. Is he? Oh, he's with Luigi. Yes.

Same prison as Luigi. To meet more. Hot tamale. Claire Danes. Wow. Shalom. Harlow. Heather Graham.

Juliet Lewis. Christina Aguilu. They saved the big names for the end. Michelle Rodry. Wow. Oh, go up to Irene Shank. Holy hot cheat. Dick cheese.

Yeah, that's Bradley Cooper's wife. Uh-oh. So I guess she... Other way, Mark and I literally every week we're like, we get in a lot of trouble with the women in our lives. from just podcast clips. And then like, how should we close out this week's episode? Oh my God, look at her. Holy shit.

Well, you're single, but he's married with kids. That's true. Yeah, well, this pot has definitely put the brakes on some relationships. Yeah, yeah, we got to cool it. We got to cool it. Yeah. But no, I'm maybe in something now, so we'll see. Ooh.

The Knicks game lady? Yes. Wow, you put it out there in the world. That's public. How exciting, though, is this time right now. Dude infatuation time Trying to

Oh I think I meant the Knicks Yeah I was like You met someone I'm like You're right Jalen Brunson It's That twinkling in his eyes

Yeah No I No it dude That's fun And she's very cool So She's see you at the club Is that where she's saying

No I fucking Hinge dude Hinge is big No Hange You go on there? I dude I was on there

for not long And she was hot I swiped And I was like Boom and has a kid and a gay ex. Oh, perfect. Gay X is ideal.

But it's not a cool gay ex. He's not like a fun gay ex. He's like a sad gay ex. Ah. All right. That's fine. But there's no competition. No.

That's nice. I hope not. Do you think if there was no... Oh, please don't. Number one. One relationship. Oh, great. Oh, I'm sorry, there.

That's a hell of a photo they got, huh? Yeah, geez, well, what the hell has happened in my life at that point? When did I get bangs? This is when your pee. That'll happen to my face. Your P. Diddy cellmate right here. What if it was just Taylor and P. Diddy? Oh, that's good.

The number is how many you've been with? No, that's relationship to total. His ranking is no ranking. Yeah. Her photo's not great either. Cut it. There we got that. No, you can keep it.

It'll give the shit. Okay. Well, pull up Nealyn's history. No, I'm just kidding. Well, yeah, Kevin, you want to plug some dates coming up? Nah. Yeah, no, I got a, you have a special that's out on YouTube called Loosen the Crotch. Nice.

Yeah, it's on YouTube. Give it a watch right now. There's my little schedule. The people can check out my schedule on Kevin Nealon.com. There we got. We got May 22nd in Houston. Nice. 23rd, also Houston, 24th.

And then Pottstown, PA on the 20th. Oh, we know soldiers. Yeah, no exhausted looking at this. Nah. And then in June, it's Solana Beach, California, Covina, Tulsa, Oklahoma on the 11th. Woo! To the 13th, which is nice. Pittsburgh on the 19th.

Nice. I don't know where Ridgefield, Washington is, but you'll be there on... That's what Dana Carvey. Oh, it can't miss that. And also the zoo below that. We're at a zoo. What? Cleveland, Ohio, hilarities?

Oh, the best. A great room. My face. Wow, it's great. Boston in August. Wilbur. These are all the cities I've been. with.

You've been inside of them. Yeah. It's a funny, you know, when you post where you're going to be, you never put, it's a club. You just put Cincinnati, Ohio. Right. Oh, it must be. What theater is that at?

Oh, it's a comedy club. That is true. Yeah, so I got that special that's out there right now. And loosen the name one more time. It's called Loose in the Crotch. It's on YouTube. It's part of the 800-pound gorilla platform. And it's doing really well.

Over half a bill. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it just came out. And then I got a movie. The Mermaid movie is out May 26th. Ooh. And the hiking show I do, hiking with Kevin on YouTube.

Nice. And I've done like 170 hikes. Jesus. And you get a huge guess in there. I say, Tom Hanks and all the days. Whoa. That's crazy. Yeah, Conan and Brian Cranston.

Wow. But, and then, you know, my wife and I were executive producers on a, a documentary they got nominated for an Oscar called Come See Me the Good Light and we went to the Oscars this year. It was crazy. Whoa. Yeah. And we didn't win but it's on Apple TV. You can check it out. Come see me in the good light. There you go.

Was that a Conan hosting? Yeah. Yeah. That's cool. Did you get to go to the after party? Yeah, but not the good one. This one with the improv. That was the governor's ball. Oh, nice. I didn't think he was there or she was there, whoever it is.

Newsom. So now we're down and say, who's this? Is this me? Oh, yeah, I'm at Verona, New York at the Turning Stone Casino, June 6th, and then I'm going to, I'm off for a while, but I'll add some stuff. I got late August, Lisbon, then Athens, you've got to go see all. How does that happen? What is in Athens? I'm doing a venue there.

Is it like a big club? It's pretty big, actually. Yeah, Athens? Yeah, I think so. And how did you get that? My agent just, I was like, I just want to go to Athens, and I'll see if it does. Some of these are looking good, and some are looking. Budapest is looking really bad.

So I'm just pumped to go to Budapest, but that's looking rough. Zagreb, for some reason, is looking really good. So keep buying Zagreb. Where that hell is Zagreb? Oh, got it. We got Vienna, Warsaw. Is this from YouTube? I don't know.

Specials, Netflix specials? It's from everything. It must be everything. I don't know. Now, when I said, how did you get these? I mean, are you that funny no Kevin but I've really good bone structure

bedroom eyes supposed to be beautiful I heard that's what I hear that's what I hear yeah and how long are you in each town like one day a couple nights each

no I made sure a couple nights each and then uh Helsinki's only one night and then yes then I got Stockholm in Copenhagen and hopefully Mark and I were shooting a movie this summer we'll see but I'm so jealous man

this is what I always wanted to do I went to Paris last summer and did a gig there and it's just a little room like set, like 60 people. It's so fun though. It's fun. And then they have these other little clubs. Literally like 20 people they see, you know,

it's upstairs in some place. But I always wanted to do something like this. And it's not like a lot of money, is it? How much is it? No, they don't pay a lot of money. So it's almost like... It's a free vacation. I mean, with the planes and, you know, the hotels, right?

Yeah, it'll be fun. It'll be fun. There's no doubt about it. I would die to do that. I did that Athens room. It was good. Yeah. The crowds there are great.

Really? In Athens? Yeah. Are they American? Not really, but they speak English. They speak English. And they get it? Yeah, everybody you go.

It's a dude. I was in Milan last year and they were good. It's shocking how good they are. And they know all our American stuff. You know, they know all about our politics and movie stars. And do you go by train or how do you get to these places? I just jumped around on a flight to flight. Yeah.

Some places you can take it. I have to do a car for one of them. But then it's mostly short, like, flights. And they have Uber's there? Yeah. And who books all the travel for you? Like your manager. An agent? Yeah. Dang, man. You guys got the life, man. International. It's all right. Where are you going to be, Mark? Oh, where am I going to be? Spokane Comedy Club. Back to the States. We're back in the clubs, baby. Helium, Philly. Uh, come on out. Milwaukee Improv. Irvine Improv. Let's sell that puppy out. That's why I film is special. Irvine Improv. The great room. Yeah.

Freyro. He's about 500. Tempe Improv, Detroit area, Royal Oak. Yep. Cleveland again. And Emerald City.

I've never been there. I'm trying that out. That's Seattle. And, yeah, that'll, Tampa. And Cobbs in SF. And then Houston Improv.

You know what's a great room? You guys got, I bet you haven't worked there is up in Eugene, Oregon. It's called, I forget what it's called. Atella had the funniest line. and Eugene, or he goes, Eugene Oregon is like, I call it the town that makeup forgot.

That's fun. Oh, yeah, we got pushing Boulder about to hit 400K. That's a little documentary, me and Sally made, about trying to work on material and tweak material before a special. That's a handsome guy right there. Oh, roast beef sandwich. And, yeah. Yeah, look at that. Almost 400K views.

We're getting there. We're getting there. Oh, it's hungover. All right. I'm all going. over now hey Netflix fest thanks for having it's Kevin thanks for popping in and watch it's an honor thanks for having me man yeah loosen the crotch on YouTube loosen the crotch Kevinneill.com for my schedule let's get to a million

good light hiking with Kevin hell yeah watch hiking with Kevin those are awesome they turned this off like five minutes ago I got I got Cleveland coming up that was awesome Sunday's a day for my next vendor I'm Peverak you know the beer juice close I've had a little too much talking shit about the fucking poke and I get down in the same way

a lunch here in now