We Might Be Drunk - Sam Morril & Mark Normand

Episode Date: August 10, 2026

No guest this week, just classic Mark and Sam. The guys catch up on Mark’s baby news, getting older, relationships, drinking, politics, gay bars, and the strange places their minds go when there’s nobody else in the room. They get into life on the road, questionable social etiquette, the differences between the right and left, and plenty of stories, tangents, and riffs along the way. It’s a good old-fashioned solo episode with Mark and Sam doing what they do best. Sponsored by: Take an additional $50 off Litter-Robot bundles with code WMBD https://www.whisker.com/WMBD Get simple, online access to personalized, affordable care with Hims https://www.hims.com/drunk Subscribe to We Might Be Drunk: https://bit.ly/SubscribeToWMBD Merch: https://wemightbedrunkpod.com/ Clips Channel: https://bit.ly/WMBDClips Sam Morril: https://punchup.live/sammorril/tickets Mark Normand: https://punchup.live/marknormand/tickets Produced by Gotham Production Studios: https://www.gothamproductionstudios.com @GothamProductionStudios | Producer: https://www.instagram.com/mrmatthewpeters #WeMightBeDrunk #MarkNormand #SamMorril #LitterRobot #Hims #ComedyPodcast #StandUpComedy #BodegaCatWhiskey0:00 Podcast drama and changing language 10:53 Comedy comparisons and bombing in Greece 20:02 Tampa shows, dolphins, and missing watch 31:18 Mark's college panic attack and open-mic start 35:14 Sponsor messages 37:56 Chris Fontana's Popeyes joke and comedy mentors 42:59 Weed anxiety, LeBron rumors, and internet comedy 52:30 Working on new stand-up material 1:08:46 More joke workshop: kids, money, and abortion 1:22:51 Tour dates, Bodega Cat plans, and baby news Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Well, yeah, here we are. We might be wrong. Hey, oh, we're here. This is it, baby. We're back. Another solo. Is there a solo? Is this two solos in a row?

No, we broke it up. Okay, good. Just checking. The internet's going crazy about the Bobby Lee episode. Oh. Did we tease it? No, you mentioned it when you shot it in L.A. whenever. That's a good point.

And people are like, did this get buried? Why did it get canceled? There's like crazy. No, it's coming out. But Bobby wanted it closer to the special release. No, we held it because Sam and Bobby fought the whole time. Get that kicked up. All these dweaves out there on Reddit.

They love a story and they love drama and they love when they have the inside scoop on something. Yeah, well, just like this fucking special, Bobby's, this episode may never come out. And just like Tony Hitchclim, it might not come out. So who the hell knows? But, well, it's going to come out when it comes out. Don't you worry. And fucking Peter's here labeled the last episode, one more drink. Oh, shit.

Sounds like the end. like call back to our old show. Bodega Cats. And it's like, last episode, what are they doing? Really? Well, it helped the numbers. It's doing well. Did it?

Yeah, all these fucking, some twink, quiff bitch made a post, Mark Norman goes off on Segura. It says, goes off. So I was like, oh, God, about the divorce. But I like Sigora. I like Christina. So I had to watch it, you know,

through one finger like that. And it's me mentioning, hey, do you hear they got a divorce? And List is like, oh, that's crazy. And I was like, oh, yeah, this happens when you get divorced. What happened when Malaney got divorced? And list goes, one time, I'm open for Malini. And that's the whole thing. That was the whole thing.

I watched it. But they get you on the headline. That's how they get you, the slug line. Everything's bait now. Everything's bait. It's all bait. We're all fish. Yes, we're guppies.

We're getting caught. We're like, that's it? It's a bummer. What are you going to do? Yeah. Fishy fish. Let's get those numbers back up Yeah

Tom got divorced I know I can't wait to meet See the first lady He's plowing That'll be exciting Now you're really getting Now this is gonna be a problem

Well I'm just saying He's allowed He's divorced He's single The next one's Mark Norman will not stop Going off This is crazy

Are they doing the pod still? I think so I think it's very amicable So good for them They're both great people They're both funny Yeah I love them Yeah hopefully they're

You know They got nice kids Give that a goo See if the pod is still going. I think it is. That might be a prison. That's a section of hell. Podcast with your

divorce spouse feels like a... I did a podcast with an ex once and it stopped before the breakup. That's how the relationship was going. That's about right. We got to wrap this up because we're on eggshells. Active, actively continuing. Okay, that's like

the option of entanglement. Right. Still going. What was that, Gwenith Paltrow breakup call? A. Conscious uncompling. Conscious upcumpling. Wow. It's like when you get fired,

they call it furloughed. Yeah. Why did that come in? You've been made redundant. Whoa. Which sounds worse. I've never heard that. That's what the British say.

Made redundant. You've been made redundant. That sounds so much crueller than we're letting you go. Yeah. If we're going at it, I feel the same about server. When I was younger, it was waiter, then it became server. I think server sounds worse. I'm your server.

Closer to slave. Or servant. Yeah. Server is no good. I think people just change. It's change it to change it. They think that's helping, but they don't actually look at the words. Yeah, well, I mean, it's like the homeless, when they kept changing the homeless. Yes.

Unhoused. Unhoused. I'm like, yeah, they still don't have a home. Right. We're not looking at the actual problem here. Yes, yes. What about little people? You're attacking the language and not the actual situation. Exactly. I said it when I was volunteering at one of those food things.

I was like, oh, the homeless, they don't say that. I'm like, they know what they are. They don't give a shit. I'm here to help. I'm just being honest. I don't know. I know. It's similar with black.

I remember black was weird. Like, don't say black. See African American. I'm like, they're black. I'm white. Yeah, there was a time when people thought colored was progressive. That's how racist people were. Exactly.

They went from like the N-word to color and they're like, color and you're like, yeah, that's not good now either. Yeah. But then people of color is okay. But color. It sounds weird. I don't say it because it's ridiculous. It's been made redundant.

But yeah. I think little people's weird. Yeah, it's not great. Little people? What the fuck? That's crazy. I call them a teeny weenie. I don't like to.

It's not nice. I call them fun size. That's my dick. Futsize is a great. That's the most best marketing spin of all time. I got a great sticker. You don't think about the bonuses for little people. You probably never have to get, you pay for a shorter massage.

It's less body to rub. That's true. You get a 30 minute. They're getting that whole body. You get to your wiener quicker. Weaner quicker. And flights are better. Your legs are dangling.

Why do you think I put Veter and coach? They go overhead for all that care. Flights are better. Probably shop on the kids' menu. I don't think that's how it works. Do little people eat? They must eat littler amounts. I think a pony eats less than a horse.

Yeah, but I don't think they want chicken fingers for dinner. If you're a 30-year-old, they want adult food. I forgot about the selection. I mean, to a midget, a slider is a burger, right? If we're doing the math. You're like, do you have any little person halibut here tonight? I forgot. It's french fries and macaroni and cheese and shit.

It's not actual food. You can't get a porthouse. They don't have the kid's metabolism. Right, right. That's true. Although a filet comes in many different sizes. That's true. You can get a 10 ounce, a 12 ounce, a 14 ounce.

so I'd go with a little filet. Wait, what did that red say? There you go. A slider, pig and a blanket. Picking a blanket's too tiny. That's not. Those things. You want a party trick?

Break out a pig and a blanket? I love a pig to blanket. Those things don't last five minutes. You're right. They're so good. The brown mustard? Oh, man. So good.

Because it's the crescent roll on. That's what it is. That's fucking good. Well, these hors d'oeuvres, they get too highfalutin. You got like a, they're all puffs now. There's a shrimp puff. I don't want a shrimp puff. I feel like a shrimp puff, isn't it?

Yeah. Hey, shrimp puff could be a name for a midget. It's a shrimp puff. If he's fluffy. If he's puffy. Well, they've felt their hands. Oh, my God. This is going to get us more shit than the cigar stuff.

It'll go over their heads. What about, well, Malaney's got that great bit. You know, that one. Oh, I love that joke. How they say midgett's more offensive than the end word. He goes, well, that's not true because we're saying one of the words. So good. that's a great bit and then the tag to that that's an adorable hand is that Brad

Williams that's a little person or a baby that's a little person's hand oh my god that's cute imagine that around you dong you'd be fucking Wilts chamberlainer yeah uh wait oh the Mullaney tag to that is uh wait if you say midget you're gonna have 500 little people out there protesting and he goes promise I saw that live it the Skirball Center. Damn. That taping. Yeah, because I just knew him as like,

that was a funny guy in New York. He's like a really good comic. I'll go see his special. It's free. And I brought a girl and she was more into him than me after. That's the problem.

I know. I get a better act. Yeah, he's a good comic. He's very good. Did you see what Malaney's doing in New York? It's very cool. That's one of the coolest things

I've ever seen in comic too. Joe's Pub, the seller. Carnegie. Carnegie Hall, Beacon Theater, MSG, Radio City. He's doing like every iconic New York. And getting bigger each venue, I guess.

Starting at the cellar. So cool. And what a flex. It's a fucking huge flex. We're all bullshit on podcast all day. I'm doing dumbass reels. He doesn't do any of that shit. I'm like sweating over a LeBron tweet.

He's living in New York when he's going to Philly. He got nixed. You know, I'm sweating over this shit on my toilet. Meanwhile, he's doing seven shows in seven days in the best, you know, venues in the city. That is a fun. It's cool. You've seen the same hour. It's also like I almost want to see how he adjust because he's kind of big when he plays a big venue.

Right. He kind of moves the way like rock will move. True. He'll pace a little bit. We don't pace at all. No, no. But yeah, I haven't seen him in a small venue in a long time. You used to see him come by the cellar a bit, but.

Yeah, yeah. I don't want to besmirch the man. I'm a fan, but I've only seen him bomb twice in my, and I've seen a guy probably 400 times. How is that besmirching him? Well, I just, I don't want to ever talk about a guy bombing. I don't want to be mean, but Mark Norman goes off on John It goes off

I'm just saying I've never seen it because he's such a good comic and he's always prepared and polished but man, seeing him struggle was weird yeah because he's so

like you feel like with him it just comes out polished like the suit makes so much sense for him yes yeah he's got the polish man yeah he really does he's like a premier comic Like, I feel like I'm a blue-collar southern toothless yokel.

And then you see him and like, that last one, Baby J, it was at the symphony hall with those lights in the back? There's an elegance to it. There's an elegance. There's like a class to it. A class. You know what he? I remember, still remember, I think I was in college.

I saw him do that law and order bit. That was a bit where I was like, oh, God, this guy is really good. Where he talked about how they never stop unloading crates. Yes. Yes. which is like, oh, that's an amazing observation. Great observations. It's one of those, how the fuck has no one said this?

I know. Those are the best bits. Totally. Totally. He had the Trump stuff before anybody else. You know, I'm going to fire people with my children. I'll have golden hair and names on the building and all that shit. These are such good comedy talks.

It's a shame this is our last drink. What a bummer. Yeah. But then you wonder, if you're at that level, with that sophistication, we're talking about the bits we're quoting are 20 years old or whatever. They're up there for sure. Yeah. So it must be tough to sit around and go, how do I top this?

Oh, dude. How do I top that special? I mean, you're working on a new shit right now. I'm working on a new shit right now. There are nights where I feel like a piece of shit. Completely. I just bombed this private in Greece. I couldn't have given a fuck when I got offstage because they were animals and you knew you were going to walk it into.

A private's a different story. But I got buried by a really funny comic at the cellar recently. And he's playing the hits. He's murdering. And I'm doing new stuff. And I was like, oh, I just felt like a bitch. You do. And then you feel, that's the thing about comedy is like.

I felt like a little person. Not that kind. Just, you know. No, I was with my girl after and she was like trying to shoot me up. And I was like, you just got to give me like 40 minutes. Yeah, yeah. After the, you know, I was just in Greece for a private, turned in like a seven-day, you know, trip, chilling Khorfu on the water. Yeah, I mean, that's.

Look at this. This is what I was doing after. The night after. So, you know, I try to get there early. I hate that bitch. I'm such a piece of shit. Look at this guy. Live with a dream.

Not bad, right? But the night before, I'm at this gig. And it's like, you know when you just walk into a gig and you know you're going to eat shit. Yes. It's one of those where, you know, it's outdoors on a beautiful island. There's like 50 people there. They're playing like Pavarotti live before that type of music. And everyone's like, da-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-all.

And I'm like, ooh, I'm going to eat shit. This is bad. The woman comes back, she's like, all right, you go. They want me there at like 5 p.m. for sound check, and I was like, no. Yeah. You get a working mic, we'll figure this out. Yeah. So I get there at like eight or maybe seven.

I go on at 10. So it's late. It's dark out. Better dark, though, I will say. I will. It's crazy to go that late. Yeah. And then she goes, all right, so you're just going to walk up to the mic.

And I'm like, no, you got to bring me up. Yeah. You got to like, and she's like, what? And I was like, you don't, it's weird if I just, and she's like, all right, fine, I'll bring you up. she brings me up within two minutes you know that I beg them I'm like can we do 10 minutes or like it's got to be 30 and I'm like wow I don't know any of you but you're like all right yeah your funeral yeah it was my funeral but they were there and uh within two minutes I'm like I'm you ever go through like an hour 15 in material in like 20 minutes yes I'm just like bam bam bam bam just trying and are you getting a little titter here maybe a some kind of inkling of a joke landing you're shaving the tag you're shaving the tag You're just trying to give them all the meat. You're like, let's give them all the meatiest parts of these jokes.

I'm getting, like, so here's the fun part. It's like, there are three people up front who are laughing at everything I say. Okay. That helps. It's like the son is apparently a big fan. He's like the kid from Enora, basically. He happens to ass off. And his friends are, his brother, one of the, I think the sister's laughing and his friend are laughing.

Everyone else is like, what's happening? You know, and I get it. I'm doing, I did like a line like, man, this is, at least it's better than time I performed on Epstein's Island. Oh, my gosh. Silence. And I get it. It's like, you know, they didn't hire, they didn't know what they hired. They're like, this is a 60-year-old birthday party.

Why is a guy making pedophile jokes at our dinner? And it's understandable. That joke has to be made, though. I feel like that's. Oh, I had a few Epstein jokes. I just kept rattling. You get hired for a billionaire to do a private gig. You know, you got to read the fine print in silence.

I don't know if he's a billionaire, but he's clearly rich. And then my girlfriend's laughing hysterically at the bar, trying to get some momentum. She's like trying to think it'll be contagious. And I'm like, she just looks like a lunatic over there. She's just laughing her ass up and they're like, who is this woman? Yeah, she had an edible. And at one point, I was like, well, this isn't working. And the father yells out, this is nuts Russian humor.

Whoa. So I was like, you know he hired. So I was like, all right, this next joke takes place in Moscow. I was on the subway. And I was banging this Russian girl. I'm just doing anything I can to appease him. Just silence. off in the car going back and you're just like, all right, that's

what it was. Yeah. And she's trying to cheer me up the whole way and I'm like, no, no, no, that doesn't matter to me. The comedy seller matters to me. When it's like people who know you, but like this was an unwinnable. I'm hitting them with everything. Right, right. It's all about the trip. It's about the paycheck. Oh, totally. I finally chill for a few days. Yeah, it was nice. Look at that. I mean, how do you, do they give you this boat? Do you rent this boat? rented it. Wow.

They were like, you can drive it. If you learn, they just, and I just, no life jacket. Fuck, fuck life jackets, dude.

Who needs it? Come on. Yeah. With those arms, he can swim ashore. Look at those things. And I read this when I was out there, by the way.

Sam Talas' new book, Big Wreck. Hell yeah. Great writer. Loved it, dude. Really? You got to read it. I will read it.

I love the first book. You didn't read it. I did? Did you? I read, I had to read half of it just to get in the, like,

I was the voice in this audio book. Oh, okay. It's great, right? Dude, this new one's even better, I think. All right. It's a banger. Stand-up related?

No, I mean, look at that cover. It's about a hit job gone wrong and what happens afterwards and it's a complicated story and it's a banger, dude. Sam Talent's got the goods. He's a good writer. Great vocabulary on that guy.

It's beautifully written. Wow. It reminds me of like Elmore Leonard meets like Richard Stark type writing. It's like really cool writing. It's violent as hell. it's badass, but if there's like a sensitivity to it, it's so cool. Damn, Stark's the Knicks player?

All right. Shit, all right. We'll get on it. I hope he did an audiobook. Maybe he did. Maybe he did. I bet he did. All right, well, geez.

But yeah, Greece. You know, it's funny, you got back from Greece, and I was like, what's Sam getting back? And then you landed, and it was like, what time we're recording? Who got it next week? We got to step this up. And I was like, oh, this guy went on vacation. And now he's like back at work mode. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What's up with the whiskey? It's hard to shut off, dude. It is. It is. I can't do it either. I don't like it. Yeah, but the one nice thing with the time change is you miss a lot of text. That's true.

Because you just wake up to a lot of shit. You realize none of this is that important? Yes, 100%. 100%. Yeah, dude, it's awesome. I will say, stopped and parish for one night just because there's no direct flight to Corfu and had maybe the worst stake of my life. You just walking around.

I'll just take a place on this. It was like a fucking, I was, I was this close to doing a sloppy steak. You know that Tim Robinson sketch where they dumped the water on it? Oh, yeah, yes, yes. I was just close to just doing it for the gag. So, like, this is already bad. I may as well just do the. Hey, look, I've always said it.

I'm half French. I've been to Paris a few times. I think French food is overrated. It's, I mean, this is a bad. We just went to a random bad place. But it's a lot of thick. A lot of butter. Butter.

Small portions, a lot of butter. Yes, not my favorite. A lot of fine dining. I hate find out. I hate find out. I don't need the backstory on the food. I don't need like... No.

It's also a little, like a cucumber chilled soup. Right, right. It's like a fucking shock glass. I'm like, oh, cool. It's gone. I don't want to spend that kind of money and be hungry. I need to get a slice of pizza on the way home. I know.

That's how I feel. Yeah, it's a lot of like pastry fluff sauces. I don't know. It's not for me. I think it's overrated. And anyway, and this is a peeve. I'm going to hit you with a peeve. There's a woman next to me.

We're at like a little outdoor cafe. She's just breathing. than smoke into my face. Like, just one of those, like, and it's not, it's not even fucking a cigarette. Like, I can live with it being a cigarette because I'm like, this rude bitch is going to die. Yeah. She's going to live to 104.

She's vaping. It's a vape. And it was, like, a nasty-ass flavor. Oh. And it's just in your face forever. And it's like, and I keep giving the look. But you feel weird being like, what are you doing? Yeah.

But I gave a lot of, like, stairs. Right. But I didn't say anything. I mean, if Parisians are smoking, vape, Paris is dead. It's dead. The whole thing with Paris is. a little long gay cigarette and now you're on vape? If it was a cigarette, I respect a cigarette smoker.

I don't respect a vap smoker. No, no. Vap is garbage. It's bad. I've been on, like, dates where I'm like, oh, man, this girl when she takes out of vape and you're like, aw. Yeah. It was going well.

Oh, yeah. It's a bad look. It's a gross habit. It just looks trashy. It looks like you're on a break at Walmart. Cigarettes, although worse for you, like, they're kind of, there's something hot about a girl who smokes a cigarette. Totally, totally, yeah.

She makes bad decisions. That's what it is. She smokes. She smokes. Is that a thing? I like that. That's what my mom said. That's what your mom said?

I poked her, so it must be true. She smokes, she pokes. All right, never heard that. Okay. Damn. Good to know. I'll pack her. All right.

Sorry. I have no filter. All right, all right. I'll move on. But yeah, yeah, I'm with you on that. Even a cigar I like. I like a guy with a cigar, too. I'm not a big cigar smoker, though, are you?

There was a period where Lists always wanted to smoke cigars. Yeah, well, he was sober. Yeah, you needed some. I got, I was never that into it. One a month, I like. You do one a month? Maybe one every two months, yeah. You got that back door, backyard area.

That's why you're into him. That's true. And you feel like you own the house. When you're smoking a cigar and your back deck, you're like, this is my place. Yeah. I do what I want here. And I smoke half of it. I love this story back in the day.

I think it was Castro was told he had to cut down. It was either Castro or Che. It was one of them. They were told they had to cut down on cigars and the doctor. This is a Cuban doctor. You can smoke two a day, which is hilarious. That's a lot. Start smoking this long.

I love that. Great logic. Amazing. That's great. So I went to Florida. Whoa. Tampa brought the baby. Side splitters.

Side splitters. One of the best clubs. One of the best weekends. Tampa's awesome. They're calling it now the San Diego of the East. I don't know how you feel about that. That many strippers, yeah. More, the most, I think Tampa is the most.

Tampa or Portland. Might want to give that a good. I like Tampa. Yeah, I like San Diego. It makes sense. Yeah. So went there, brought the boy. flew New Orleans first to do

Tales of the Cocktail Did Tipitinas, we sold it out It was great All the friends came out College, high school, whatever Got too drunk, of course Because that's what you do there With the friends

And I flew Breeze Airway, you ever heard of this? Had to do a puddle jumper From New Orleans to Tampa Breeze Yes, the only thing direct was Breeze They go to Charleston, Tampa I don't know, Miami maybe

but it's a JetBlue affiliate. Great airline. I mean, it's like a shit box, but it's cheap as shit and got you there. So shout out Breeze. Can you tell us about your stolen watch? True Breeze, yes. I'm getting to that.

Oh, I'm sorry. So we go to the, we go, I bring the boy, so we're in Florida, we're going to go see dolphins. I'm a good dad. The wife set it up. I'm paying, we're going to see dolphins. Bring the boy. He's 18 months old.

He doesn't get anything. So we get on a little boat. It's me and a bunch of tourists, a bunch of, like, Russians and whatever, Scandinavians. We get out there, dolphins galore. They jump into the, like, the boat makes a wake or those waves, and they jump into the waves. It's amazing. So they know how to do it. And so everybody's in the back of the boat going, uh, uh, whoa!

And I'm trying to get the kid up. I'm trying to show him, the dolphin, but he doesn't get it. But every time a dolphin jumps, everybody goes, whoa! And there's cameras everywhere. and the kid didn't get it, he didn't like it, he kept kind of like dozing off on the boat, and then we land, and the kid goes, whoa, because he was mimicking the whole audio.

It was the cutest thing ever. Sarcasm out of a baby, that's cute. That was cute, I lost it, because he just went, everybody went, whoa, you know, for two hours, and at the end of the show, or a trip. He was raising a baby Bill Maher. He was like, oh, that's nice. Dolphins, okay.

What's a blow? Oh, yeah. So that was cute. But before we left, I got this hot new watch. I said, we're going to see dolphins. Let me leave the watch on the counter in the room. I don't want anybody, I don't want to drop this watch in the ocean. We get back from the five hours later, we get back from the excursion.

The watch is gone. Oh, no. So I was like, ugh, it's a nice watch. So I flipped the place upside down, the bed, look behind every dresser, in every drawer, whatever. You beat your wife, you demanded her, yeah. Yes, exactly. Of course. Yeah, I'm like Bruce Willis.

Where's my watch? It's up my ass. Walking. That's good. It's good stuff. Yeah. So I never been this guy, but I've never owned anything nice. Yeah.

So I call the front desk and I go full Karen. I was like, somebody cleaned my room. I had a nice watch. It's gone. And this is a Grand Hyatt. So they're like, oh, sorry, Mr. Norman. We'll get on that. Oh, my God.

I can't believe what I'm hearing. And I'm like, you got cameras in there. I want to know who is clean my room. I went nuts. I never had a watch missing. And then two days later, I found it. Where was it? The kid had stuffed it in the crib under the mattress.

The kid took it. And he put it in his little dumb layer. You're really raising an enormous. I know. Five-finger discount. He got my watch, that twink. Wow. There you go.

Your wallet's in there, too. You're like, what the fuck? Yeah, there's a gun down there. I'm like, what the hell? Damn. Yeah, he's got a pearl neck. You said, no, that shit's all waterproof. You could wear that.

really? Yeah, of course. I'm too scared to ruin it. Nah, it's waterproof. All right. I guess they took him to the moon. Yeah, of course. All right. The Omega. Take them, yeah. Well, I went down and personally apologized to the guy after. That's good. I respect that. We've all done that where you're just like, eh, I fucked up.

I'm embarrassed. I don't want to be that guy. I don't want to be like the, I say good day, you know, fuck you. I want you to blow me. I didn't want to be that Karen guy, so I just, I sucked it up and apologized to Charles. Sorry, Charles. But yeah. Had a great time.

Great club. BT is the man, and he's opening a new one. Where? St. Pete. Oh, interesting. How far is that from Tampa? Eh, 35 minutes. Oh, that's...

45. That's the same audience, isn't it? That's what I said. He's like, it's a whole different world over there. Those people don't leave. There's nothing to do there. It's like a community there. They won't drive 35 minutes to see it?

Not really. Not to Carol Wood where a size spliters is. That's the dumb burbs. Got it. All right. Yeah. He said this will be the nice one, and then sidesplutals will be like the original.

I love side splitters. Me too. That's one I've thought about, I mean, I did tape a special in Tampa. I love something about Tampa. Like, they never will grown at a judge. Not what. There's a good vibe in that city.

So I had this, I never had before, 19, 20 years of comedy. Last show, seven sold-out shows, doing the last show, cooking, new materials cooking. I get this one. Hold up, hold up. I go, oh, what the hell's going over here? I'm riffing on it.

BT comes in, the owner. People are standing up. All the chairs push back. Seizure. Had the guy seize it out. Oh, no. Wiggin. You can see the table shaking.

You see it like one leg up doing this shit. Holy shit. And I was like, oh, God. So they wheel him out. And then... How old a guy? He's probably 45. Oh, no.

But then you go, do I zing? Or do I stop the show? Because you want to be a professional. You get one last bird. on him and he goes, he's dead. Well, so it was kind of awkward. I'm like, oh, this is weird. Then somebody goes, you're

killing. And I was like, yeah, thank you, Sarah. See, comedy's hard. That kind of nice laugh. And then one guy goes, fuck him. Do the show. I'm like, going to be back in Florida. You know, so I'm zinging off of the lines, but I don't really want to zing the guy

because he could be in trouble. Yeah, it's not, you don't want that to be someone's last words they hear. Yeah. Exactly. You don't know how serious it is. I mean, seizure is scary, man. Very scary.

So I asked BT. He was like 7 foot 12. I see him back in the back of the room and I go, are we good? He goes, no, this is bad. And I was like, ah, shit. So they walked the guy out by his arms, his legs are dragging. And I was like, oh, God. I was doing this new bit about Superman that's bombing.

So I was like, I won't do that bit again. I don't want to hurt anybody else. That's how bad the bit was. And they bring him out there. They're fanning him. And he goes, I'm good, I'm good. I've never had a seizure before. I don't know where that came from.

And they're like, that's worse. So he just came back in? Yeah, no. The BT's like, you got to go home. I can't let you back in that room. You're a liability. Like, I don't know if you could fall down or whatever. You're, you're toast.

You can't let a guy have a second seizure. Exactly. You got to go to the hospital. So they Ubered him home and the two friends stayed. Wow, what's shitty friends? I know. But yeah, I think he had like a crazy edible. Maybe.

I think it sparked something. That happened to me once in a size spoiler. Someone in the crowd was like bugging out. No. And I just looked at them, I'm like, are you okay? It was one of the things where I was like, are you, I had to, the face was like, freaking out. I was like, are you okay? And they're like, I'm freaking the fuck out.

And I thought they were teasing me or something. Yeah. But I was like, the friends were like, they took too many edibles. And I was, yeah, it's something about that town. Yeah, wow, same club. I had a guy at one time have a, some sort of like, I think he had a stroke. And it was in, uh, same vibe, Scottsdale. Yes, I remember this story.

Yeah. So, I mean, and it's a crazy thing to. What did you zing? I made a couple things, but the first thing I said, he knocked a bottle over, so I was like, oh my God, what the fuck? Like I said something riffing off that. And then they were like, he's having a stroke. And I was like, oh, fuck.

I was like, call an ambulance. Stroke is serious. Stroke or seizure. It was something serious. And then I think it was a stroke. Good band. And, uh, good band. But then the owner Howard came on and he was like, I've had many strokes.

I'm like, yeah, but yours are from like Red Bull and Coke. You had like 14 Red Bulls and kept blowing lines. This is like an older guy. You're Hunter Biden. This is Mitch McConnell. This is a different ball game here. They kind of look like both. Both look like both.

And then, yeah, he waited for a while and then went back and did the, yeah, I got off stage for a second. Because I was like, let's just wait until this resolved and I'll come back because I don't want to, you know, this guy could die. He seemed to be okay when they left. And while they're wheeling him out, half. runs up into a shtick on stage. I'm like, I could have done that. Yeah, right. And he's bombing.

I'm like, all right, I'm going to look like a hero coming back. Yeah, true. Let him do that dirty work. Yeah. A lot of these guys want to be comics, these club owners. Yeah. It's bad. But all the BT at Sideswood does not want to do comedy.

I kind of love it. Which is why he's a great owner. Yeah. So show went on and we had a good show, but I got a bunch of riffs out of it later. I waited until the guy was gone, then I made fun of him. so look out for that clip you have a good clip of it oh yeah oh yeah god hopefully he's okay

oh he's fine he's fine yeah a seizure is fucking scared i know you ever had a seizure a panic attack i had a panic attack once have let's hear i have one in my life and i'm scared even talk about it because i don't want to trigger one i was on the road i was in a hotel room in baltimore and i had taken a edible which i don't normally do geez we have a pattern here yeah i

don't like edibles, but I was talked into taking it, and I was like, all right, what the hell, it'll help me sleep. It did the opposite. I'm on the floor, like, what the fuck is happening? I've been there. Yeah, I was, I had a couple, I've had a couple of those on edibles. I don't know why I keep trying it again. It's like, I'm not built for edibles, man.

No, I'm not good with weed at all, but I, every time I smoke with Joanna, I go, that was a mistake. I know. Right after it hits me. It's not our vibe. Our vibe is drinking. Totally. We need to calm the voices, not enhance. Enhance. Well, the thing about booze is like it takes such a toll on your body though I know not not bodega cat though that's it's hard

healthy yes but it's a healthy elixir but you feel it like it's like your stomach lining's fucked up i I feel my like the way you feel after a bad hangover's like yeah this is insane insane that this is what I'm doing in myself I was there on Thursday yeah I have to drink with in New Orleans and I even took those I hate to shout about I took those fucking pre hangover things oh yeah I was like oh I'm gonna be good I supposed to take one I took three because I was there I was like, I'm really going to be hung over, and I was still dead, still fucked. It doesn't work if you get, like, shit house. Yeah.

I think that works if you have, like, four drinks or something. I guess so, yeah. I was doing shots and beers between waiting for the cocktail. I drink my beer, then you get the cocktail. That's how we used to drink every night. I know, I know. We're lucky to be here. Oh, God.

What? One last drink? One last drink. Wait, what was I, was about to say something before? Oh, shit. Oh, your panic attack? Oh, my panic attack. Thank you.

So I've only had one. I failed out of UNO, University of New Orleans. I was a real piece of shit, drunk, whatever, popping pills. Failed out of UNO, so my parents said, you've got to get out of New Orleans. The city's too bad of an influence. So I went to Baton Rouge, an hour away. Went to Baton Rouge Community College to get my grades up so I could go to LSU.

That was the plan. So now I'm in Baton Rouge Community College. My life's falling apart. I live with five guys who are all losers, pieces of shit. Great guys, but we're all not going anywhere. One of them now is a line cook. One is a mechanic. Like, you know, just rough and tumble guys.

Living a house, all we do is play poker. We try to get laid. We built a bar in the house and had a kegator. It was crazy. Beer pong. So my life is falling apart. I failed out of college. I got no prospect.

Comedy's not even on the radar. I never thought about comedy. I'm 19 years old. I can't do math. I'm the worst math student on the planet. I'm taking a math test. If I don't pass this test, I fail out of community college, which is, like, embarrassing. So I'm staring at this math test.

It's like trigonometry, algebra, and it just hit me. And I started seeing droplets of sweat hit the page. And that was like triggering me more. So I go, ah, and the room started spinning. I'm pouring sweat. I'm like, my life's falling apart. What the hell's wrong? I think I was hung over to.

and I ran outside, and this girl, who was like kind of a crackheady heroin chick, goes, what's going on with him? And she chases me out. And I was like, oh, weird. The crackhead was worried about you. She was not good. She was off. She had some drug. She had crazy bags under her eyes.

She was kind of attractive, but like she'd been through the ringer. Sure. So I ran out, and I'm in like the stairwell, like trying to catch my breath. She comes in there, and she's like, what the hell's going on with? with you. I'm like, I think I'm having a panic attack. I'm freaking out. And she pins me up against the wall and kisses me. And I was like, what the hell is this? And I remember she had the

worst breath on the planet. And I immediately came to and I was like, I got to go. And I pushed her and I got out of there and I got in my car and I went home. But that's when you know you're going through something is when a woman comes on to you and you're like, I can't do this. Yeah. I'll fuck Peters if he walked up to me. You know?

So like, that's what I knew something was wrong. But also, like, you you rejected a cracket. That's got to be low. Yeah. She definitely did not have. She was like, she has a fucking panic attack. Someone in heroin tries to kiss her. It just keeps going worse and worse.

I think she thought I was on drugs as well. And she was like, oh, we're, we're little bond us. Yeah. Like it's attractive to me that we're both pieces of shit. But that got you out of it. Maybe like that level of reality hit you like that it's interesting. Yeah. Your life, like one crazy sliding doors moment away from you being like your high school buddies,

just like a bunch of drunk losers. Louisiana. Yeah, yeah. Totally. And I started going to open mics. I remember I went to an open mic. Lucy Surfer Bar. Yes.

But I went to one in Baton Rouge, and I remember I went, and I was too scared to go up. So I didn't put my, they called my name, and I just sat there. I didn't know anybody. It was like six people in the crowd at this shitty bar with a stage. It was scary. Scary. And there's one guy went up named Chris Fontana. So funny.

I was blown away. I was in love with this guy. I was enamored. This guy is a great comic. Holy shit. if I can only do that, so confident, smoking, beer on stage, funny. And I went back the next week, I saw him again, and he did the same act, and I was crushed. I was like, this guy's a fucking fraud.

That's him! That's him! He died of heroin. You saw how the sausage was made. Yeah. I mean, that's the thing, is like... Leather jacket. He was like a star. He just had it.

He was like a Stanhope type. Which is like, ah, fuck the world. I'll kill all you. You all fucking suck. I'm awesome. Can we hear his joke? He's got an infamous podcast. Pop-Eyes joke. Let's hear it.

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She orders $400 worth of chicken. That's all the chicken. That's what she got. That's enough chicken. And she orders all this chicken in one breath and just rattle. And the girl behind the counter hates life right now. She's just been running it up. Her eyes half shut.

And she finishes. They got clips. She responds. Will that be for here or two? 15 years ago. And there's no way. There's no way she could be with enough people to eat all that chicken. and it's physically impossible.

If this happened to you or me, you'd have blown it off. It would have been the stone to did this funniest thing ever later. But not this woman. She must right the wrong. She has just been witness to. She tears into this. And he goes, well, I should certainly hope that's

to go. That's enough food to feed an entire party for the people. Did you know that I'm having a party? I'm having a party. I'm having a, but did you know that this is the food for the party? Did you, I'm here alone? I'm alone. Did you think that I'm just going to order

$400 with a chicken? I didn't hear about it. He'll eat all this chicken like it. I see chicken day or something. And this was a special occasion for me. And I was going to see my friends later and we were going to say, how was the chicken day? He needs to land this plane.

I'm nervous now. I've tucked this guy up. Do you think that that's what I do with my day? Do you think that that's what's going on you? Do you think that's how I spend by time? And without missing a beat, I still half shut. The girl behind the counter looks back and says the single most brilliant thing I've ever heard in my entire life. She says, bitch.

I don't look. your life. Pause break. You've come a long way, Mark. That's your sliding doors moments. Marks in the crowd like, if only someday. I don't want to shit on the guy. He's dead.

I know, but you've never had a setup that was one and a half minutes. No, but again, this is the 90s. I know, I know. Literally. I know. The late 90s. But it is hilarious. Look at the jacket. Look at the shirt.

The vibe. And he had, and he had a swag. He's got a swag. He's got a swag, for sure. But it's so funny, because I was there, too. There are guys I saw at open mics that I was like, oh my God, this guy's incredible. And then I'm like, I thought that guy was funny. I know.

Like, some of them were fucking horrible. Because I was horrible. But live comedy, there is something about it where you're in the room. You feel an energy. And sometimes the bit wasn't good, but there was a confidence in like a swagger to certain guys when they were young. I remember thinking, like, this guy's got it. Look at it. It looks like the lead singer of something right there, you know?

So as a young kid, he's going, and this lady said the crick, and I'm like, oh, baby, give it to me hard. I was like, I was loving it. Yeah, but you know, you were like at open mics? You were nervous as far. Yes, I was. And that's a good thing. That's true. And I had paper.

This guy never wrote anything down. You don't want to be this swaggy as an open micer. But I will say, I've hung out with this dude since then. Because, you know, comedy, you get into comedy, just hang out with everybody immediately. We got drunk. He was fucking hilarious hanging out at the bar. He would hold for. Yeah, I heard his pop-by story.

It's fucking. But he would hold court, he was funny and great, and he would put him back, and we had a great time. And he was like the leader of the group, you know? So, yeah, when you're young, you see a guy do that whole act down, and you're like, damn, this guy's got balls, he's up there, he's so vulnerable, blah, blah, blah. Oh, dude, I knew a guy, this guy, Glenn Coyle, I probably told the story before, but he was so funny.

He was, I don't know if anything exists of him, but he was, he made me laugh so hard. He was like, he's passed away, too. He's huge drunk. Yeah, he was so fun to be around. And he remember he did a joke. He goes, my girlfriend got Lou Gehrig's disease, so I traded her. nice succinct tight joke compared to the Popeyes yeah he had some funny some funny shit but he's a great dude but you never forget those guys you start

totally totally make a huge impact especially when you see this guy that's funny and they're and they usually were cool yeah we all remember those guys in mics that could be a dick but usually you're impressed with them and they feel that yes and they and not only was he cool he was I like was like oh my god he's talking to me How funny is that? Like, I was at a bar going, Chris Fontana's taking the time to talk to me. This is crazy. He's like giving me attention and it felt good.

Right now as a kid in Greece, like, one day, I'm going to be like him. And then he saw him. This is not Russian humor. But yeah. I don't know why they were expecting Russian humor, by the way. I know, right? Aren't you part, like, aren't you descendant? It's like, my, like, 23 and me is like Polish, Ukrainian, like,

pretty much any place Hitler steamrolled that's made. A little Czechoslovakian in there. Yeah, Jew. All right, well, you won in the end. Yeah, we did all right. Yeah. Hey, hey, we're all right, you know.

But, yeah, not Russian. Yeah. I guess that line's all blurred anyway from back then. But hey, it shows your panic attack, my panic, shows how far we've come. Well, I was just on the road. I just can't handle wheat. It was just like shit.

Oh, yeah. I had one also in college where I just, it was always weed related. It was always like freakouts. Like I was bad with the one in Baltimore on the hotel floor, I was like shaky. I was like the room is shaking. Yeah.

Where you're like, oh, I'm going to die. That's what I, you know, we'll say it's like a panic attack. The others were just like a lot of like heavy self-doubt. But which I have sober. I don't need to smoke a fucking joint for it. But yeah, I was like, I'm having a heart attack and I'm going to die. And my girlfriend at the time was like, you're having a panic attack. you're okay.

It's like, you know, you see why you need someone, but I'm like, usually don't need that for weed. Well, I think that's why we look up, because I've been getting really into history, and you start learning about watching all these guys, and you're like, how are they up at the front lines holding a sword with like, you know, the British Army not having a panic attack?

I think that's why we look up to Jalen Brunson is down 29 points with four minutes. Composure and the pressure and they're still delivering. That's unbelievable. I had a math test knock me down, you know? Yeah. But that fucking crackhead, she lifted you up. That's true.

That's big. Hope she's all right out there. I hope so. She wasn't bad looking, but she just was, you know, I think she had a black eye. I mean, it was a tough time out there. Fuck, that's bad. Yeah. Hopefully, yeah, hopefully people get sober.

You see it in the country, man. You see a lot of people tweaked out. I feel like I see less in New York than I did for a while. Yeah, I think so, too. But who knows? That was a while. When I lived in the village on Manetta, I would walk down and I'd see like, oh, there's a guy doing crack in like a little alcove.

I saw that all the time. I saw needles all the time. We used to see it like right outside the studio, right? All the time. Really? I mean, yeah, I used to live next to a halfway house, so I would just see it. A lot of those dudes, some of them were getting better, you know, but then some, you know. Got to put it somewhere, you know?

Yeah, yeah. Shit. I'm at the halfway house, not the needle. Not in my backyard. Not my backyard. Well, what do you think of LeBron's? I kept going to the Sixers? I kept staring at the LeBron story

and I was like, there's a joke here and somebody got it. Somebody tweeted it and I stared at it for hours. What was a joke? I thought it was going to be something about flopping. I was like, the jokes would be like, you can't flop on a helicopter. Bombed.

Because he's going to live in New York and then fly every game to Philadelphia, which seems insane. That's what JJ Reddick did. Oh, really? Really? He lived in Brooklyn. Yeah.

What was a joke? The best tweet I saw was, and I wish I knew to give him credit, but he said, it sucks so much living in Philly, you'd rather risk your life. then live there, or something like that. There was another good one, too.

Yeah, it's crazy he went there, but I mean, yeah, if the Celtics don't trade Jalen Brown to the Sixers, this doesn't happen. So if you're a Philly fan, enjoy. I mean, you can have a good team for at least a year or two. What is it, Embed? If you can stay healthy. Yeah.

Well, he wants one more champion, but he's bouncing around. L.A., Miami, Cleveland. He's jumping around like a convicted priest. This is his fourth stop. This is the one I thought was the best one. It's our pal, Elon Altman. What do you say? LeBron's the first person to move from Bel Air to West Philadelphia.

Oh, that's good. That's good. I'd send him a nice text on that one. Well played. Yeah, are there any other bangers? Let's see. Yeah, LeBron, yeah, I mean, I'm kind of happy that, because if the Knicks lose the championship, he's definitely a Nick.

Really? Definitely. I think it was probably mutual that he didn't want to come as badly because they won. Yeah. Because it's not as cool a story. If they lose. Right. And then the Knicks were like, we're good.

Yep. Right, we got our squad. But, yeah, it's cool that our first championship in 53 years, he can't, like, claim it. It's our guys. Yes, exactly. I'm sure they didn't want him either, right? They don't want that guy in the green room or the locker room. I think you're such a comic.

I don't want that guy on stage. Yeah, they auditioned him for the team, and it didn't know. But, no, I think probably chemistry was a, he's still good. Sure, sure. I think chemistry was probably concerned. Is that Philly team a threat now? Yeah, they're good. I mean, we swept their fucking ass this year,

but they lost, they traded Paul George, who was kind of a negative for Jalen Brown, and they got LeBron. So if they're healthy, and they got Tyrese Maxie, who's a stud, and VJ. Edgecombe is a good young player.

They added this guy, Dean Wade from Cleveland, who's really good defensively. They're deep. This guy, Simons, who's a good shooter. They're going to be a tough team, for sure. I think it's all about, like, health. You never know, but on paper,

they're really good. Do you kind of feel like as a diehard Knicks fan, we got the win, took 53 years, we got it, we're good for a while. Like if they have a bad season, it's not the end of the world. Obviously you don't want them to have a bad season, but you got the win.

Yeah, I'm yes and no. I'm good for life, kind of, because that was so epic. But at the same time, like, we have a short window with these guys. That's true. So I hope they can, like, at least make, if they won't win, at least make some noise

the next couple of years. I think they could. Yeah. So come on in to the pod, boys. Jalen. Josh, come on. Sorry I called your boy But you know what I'm saying

You know Boys is different Boys with a Z. Boys is different than you Yes Come on down We'd love to have you Tell us about your experience

And tell Shazmott To lower the price Oh did you see this thing About SGA being gay Shamit Shamit Sham wow Shazmott

What the fuck was that I'm like the Mark whisperer I'm like wait What the fuck was that Shazmott Thank you hear my Hans Sola to Wookie You speak Norman

I'm a Chewbocker. I'm like, he says hello. I'm like, go. So someone found SGA's Grindr account. No way. Yeah. Get out of here. He's too high profile to be on Grindr.

Also, he doesn't need it. No. There it is. Whoa. Bung. I'm going to guess this isn't real. Can you pull up the gay straight guys? Yes, sir.

This is my favorite thing on the internet. You must have seen this. What is this? I don't want to ruin it, but there's a guy who goes to a man on the street, like in, oh, yeah. On the strip or somewhere. Would you rather a gay guy loses Wi-Fi or that one? No, I haven't seen that.

Now I got to see that. Those are funny. Would you rather have a thousand dollars or a gay guy loses Wi-Fi and they just, and then it just makes your phone glitch? Like it stops, it stops loading. So it's like, oh, I'm the gay guy. That's a good joke. Yeah.

This is the most brilliant comedy thing I've seen in years. Do you think this guy is gay or straight? Gay. What makes you say that? He just has a gay persona. Are you gay or straight? Yeah. Do you think other people would think that?

That's why it's really. I'm straight. Do you think this guy is gay or straight? What makes you say that? No, he looks too happy. Wait, he can't look happy? No. Well, no, I don't know.

Be honest with you. It would be just a guess. That's Jeffrey Epstein. I know, right? It's close. Now, are you gay or stay? I'm straight. Do you think other people would think that?

I have no idea. But the good thing about me is, I don't care. Do you think this guy is gay or straight? Honestly, I think the interviewer is gay. Because it's a grown man, why you ask this another nigga gay? Are you gay? This is not the original guy.

The original guy is better. But the genius of this bit is it taps into the male ego because you go, oh, that guy's a homo. I'm the shit. But then everyone else thinks you're the homo. I mean, it's brilliant. What makes you say that? You can just tell. Are you gay or straight?

I'm straight. Do you think other people? Who think that? I don't give a fuck when nobody else think. Does this guy look gay or shit? You know what he does. You saw this video. You look gay to me.

Like, man, and me and the end. They never not say gay. They say gay every time. I mean, I'm on the floor in my apartment, howling watching this shit. Good times. You need some N-word in there. When they say the N-word, it's funny.

That is true. It's like a punctuation. It's a nice little exclamation point. Man. I mean, look at this photo. They found the right photo. I'll give them that. That's him acting straight.

You can screenshot us and make it. Of course. Let's do it. Bring it up. Hold on. Let's do a face. Like, I'm blowing Bobby at one point on this table. We've done it all.

You just freeze frame on the right thing. Yeah, yeah. It's pretty easy to make us look gay. By the way, speaking of those internet videos, some guy made one about me, and he's like, the comedian, other comedians hate. And it was me. And I was like, oh, gee, here we go. So I read the description.

and it's just a list of people I farted on. And I was like, oh, all right, I'll handle that. That's good stuff. Pretty good. I'll take it, but it's like a picture of Bargazzi like, and it's a picture of Louis like, you know, and it's all these guys. Can you fart on Louis?

I did, yeah. You don't know this story? Yeah, I know that story. I thought you did, not in the episode. No, no, no, no. No, I know the hotel stories. Yeah. I wanted to fart of him here to get redemption,

but I didn't have anything cooking. Redemption would be him farting on you, not you farting on him again. Well, maybe call back? Call back. Redemption. I thought I'd even the score by farting on him twice. Well, you know what I mean. I wanted to keep it going.

Yeah. That was a hot app, man. Hot app. People liked the Louis up, right? Over half a million. Half a million. Is it? Over half a million.

Whoa. Not including the audio. We do a thing on the show called Working on Any Bits. Yeah. Are you guys working on any bits? I got a few ideas. All right. I got some ideas.

I had one idea about how, like, I went to the dog park the other day. I couldn't get in. you need a dog to get in. You know, they, they, oh, that's right. Went to the kid park. Same thing. I go, that's a fair rule.

Yeah. You should have to have a kid to get in. Right. Because they're different, you know, like, you can like go up to someone and be like, hey, can I pet your dog? I've never go up to someone's kid like, may I? You know, I said, you know,

you want your dog to get groomed. Hey, that's good. I need, like, one more, but it's like close. There's a lot here, yeah. Yeah, kid park versus dog park. Hmm. Yeah, because they were like side by side. We just went to...

Oh, a pocket full of treats. Oh, yeah. A pocketful of treats is fun. Oh, how about this? How bigs are going to get? You always say that with a dog, you know, or like, how old? How old? Maybe a girl could be like, this is my son.

He's a rescue. Yeah, you get the rescue line in there. He's adopted. He's a rescue. He's a lot to play with it. There's a lot here, yeah. I'll noodle with it tonight. It got something last night for sure.

Yeah, because it's okay to say, I love dogs. I'm a dog lover and not have a dog. Yeah. But you can't not have a kid and be like, I love kids. Yeah, that's the line. That's the, that's the angle. Yeah. I love, I love dogs.

Yeah. Do you have one? No. I love kids. Do you have one? Mm-mm. That's what. Maybe that's it.

That's right there. All right. That's close. Hey, yeah, this is a lot there. I'm going to take it back. I've been at the cellar every night, so it's been helpful. All right. Now tell me this, I'm very happy with his line.

And I think I can add to it. But I'm so nervous this has been. done. Okay. So I was looking at... It's Malaney's Law & Order a bit. Yeah. Keep on packing trucks.

I have a bit about, like, LGBT, blah, blah, and then I hit me like, it's weird that gay... There's gay men and gay women, but we have the word lesbian. Why can't it just be gay men and gay woman? Why do we need the word lesbian?

Then I realize, oh, because gay means happy. Oh, my God. It kills. It kills. And then I say a couple of... other things like I ran that joke by my lesbian friend she hated it which checks out and that that kills. So it's got

it's got legs but I'm so worried it's been done that feels right there gaming's happy I have it I've heard gaming's happy as a line that's the only fear I have I mean yeah but everybody knows lesbians are bummed out I mean you gotta Google it I think yeah I guess so but it's but it's

it's a funny line yeah all right thanks it's it's hitting it's getting one of those laughs so they're like oh the reluctant laugh I love the reluctant laugh I love the reluctant Love Reluctant. So I'm happy with it, but yeah, I'll play with it. You're gay with it. All right, what else you got?

Should I try it? Yeah, you go, you go. I think it's, let me see. What I have. He's liking that one. You like that one? I do. Yeah, I think it's worth Googling, but it's fun.

All right, I'm too scared to Google it because I got nailed with South Park. Everybody's like, that's the South Park bit, the last one I did. Really? Yeah. The one. The one about undercover cops doing anal. How does that go again? I said, it's weird that gay sex used to be considered.

that was illegal. And I go, how to hell the cops enforced that? Was there one undercover cop in a hotel room like, you're under arrest? You know, like after you got fuck? Oh, I remember that South Park actually. What happened? It wasn't gay. It was just, oh, it was gay. It was. Well, South Parks is a little different. I looked, I watched it, so I don't know

where to go here, but it's, uh, South Park is a cop dresses a prostitute. And the frat house takes, you know, buys the prostitute and fucks one of the guys. And then she was like, he's under arrest for prostitution. and all the cops are like

Bob don't you think you're taking this little far you're at the frown house and he goes Give me an evidence bag He shits out all the juice Because it's out parking They don't miss

They don't miss And they're like Bob I think you gotta cool it with this This tactic I remember it now I remember that Dude it happened to me with a joke Once back in the day

I had a joke about how Halloween is the best day For registered sex offenders To knock on your door That's a great joke S&L did a sketch about it So I had to just drop it Damn

But I mean that's how it happens You gotta research it I had this idea. I have a whole abortion chunk that's hitting, and I have this one line. I'm trying to tweet this one line about how someone told me they got an abortion for $800. And I was like,

I think that's a good price because it shouldn't be the price part that you regret. Oh, yeah. You shouldn't be leaving the clinic. Like, that was a fucking rip. I got fucked twice. Right. Yeah, that's good.

It didn't do great last night. But I think there's something there. It was at the end. It might have been too many abortion jokes. I have like a morning after. Because the others are killing. And then, you know. The abortion jokes still hit a nerve with people.

I've noticed, you think like, hey, this progressive city, abortion is legal, but they still, I don't, maybe it's like an internal thing, a primal thing, but it still bothers people. Yeah, there's something there. I'll have some other ideas. Hold on me look. Yeah, give me a quickie. A quickie. I got another quickie, too. I got a couple quickies.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I got a quickie. I don't know if I've ever brought this one here. I feel like it's close. I read this headline it said, a teacher molested seven schools at a $60,000 a year high school. And I was like, I don't know if you need to put the price in there.

I don't think that's the part that's the issue. Right, right. And anyone like, look, this school's tuition free, so if your kid gets fucked, it's on you. Oh, that's good. There's something of that maybe? That's good, yeah. Too many pito jokes.

I do, too. That's my bread and butter. Which is what I give the kids. But yeah, yeah, I got a lot of them, too. It's like fucking close. That's really good. No, I think there's a lot there. Yeah, what else he got?

You know, no one ever goes, hey, my kid got in this really good school. He's not going to get fucked. You know, no one ever goes, my kid's going to public school. He's a gotter. It's a free-for-all. Yeah, yeah. What else he got? Is this anything?

So my wife is always like, you got a big, you got to cool it with the ego. I hate the male ego, male ego. And I was like, men do have a big ego. Like, I could say to the room, everybody, every guy in this room thinks they're attractive. when I'm looking at you. There's a lot of uggos out there, whatever. Every guy thinks they can land the plane if the pilot passes out. Like, I can do this.

That's the male ego. And I go, men have to lie to themselves because women don't compliment us. Ladies, we compliment you. And my wife goes, yeah, but we don't lie to ourselves. And I go, no, no, we lie to you. And that hit. That's good. But it's a lot of mouthful.

We don't lie to ourselves. Makeup. Oh, shit. That's a lie. That's a good point, yeah. Although I guess you're not like, I have to cover this out. Exactly, so you're kind of keeping it real. But we lie to women.

Do I like family? No, no. I mean, the go-to is to lie to women. It'd be stupid not to lie to women. Does your wife never compliment you? No. Never? Never.

Never. Really? No. And I'm not mad at her. I'm not mad at her. I don't know. What kind of compliments me? Yeah, what are we talking?

Like, you're the best, you're so far. Like, all the time. Like, it's nonstop. What? Yeah. Is that weird? Wow. I think that means she wants you to do it to her.

I do do it to her. Oh, okay. Well, then shit. I've never had a woman compliment me. I don't think any of my exes did. Maybe this is a weird one. No, I mean, hold on to this one. No, all my exes did not comment here.

Yeah, she is actually a bird. She's not a woman. Fucking a bird. I love that shirt. Yeah, but if she's compliment you, stick with it. Because I don't know. Peters, does your wife compliment you? Yeah.

Oh, interesting. I think it's not that weird. Oh, okay. Well, then that might kill the logic of the bit then. But it's like, maybe you just say my wife never compliment me. Yeah, maybe you're not. Right. But I like the line. Say the line one more time. She's like, why do men lie to themselves?

Women don't lie to themselves. I'm like, you don't have to. We lie to you. You know? Yeah, we're picking up your slack. Yes, yes. I got to break in. Jim Jeffries has your joke. Shut up. Yeah. Remember he did that thing about like two lesbians? And then he says at the end, it's because gay means happy. Wow.

It's right there. Damn. I had a new bit killing. Damn. What a bummer. Well, thank you. Good to know because I don't want to Reddit kicking my ass over Jim Jeffers. My next bit is about taking my friend with muscular dystrophy to the brothel. So this is a bummer. I've got a bit of a gun control here.

Do your Popeye's material. Salgoose goes off on Chris Fontana. We love you, Chris. Jim Jeffries is a prolific dude. Yeah, damn. Great, great comics. Same line. Well, great minds.

I'll chalk it up to great minds. Yeah, yeah. It's better to hear that than, like, Mencia has that bit. Which he took from Jeffries. it says you like the post shut out yes I do love the bit

about the lesbian marriage that's it and at the very end it says that there's a line of the right you may not gotten to the end it's good before you get really attached to it oh god wow that's great to know shit it's a bummer but good to know

yeah we lie to you that's the crux of the bit is like so what's the set up again setup is like she's talking about the male ego because that airplane going down, that was a big famous viral story. Like, every guy, 80% of men think of a pilot passes out,

they could land an airplane. You need examples of you lying newer, and then I think it's got to come back to you being like, like why we lie to ourselves. Because men do lie to ourselves. We do. We do, really do.

We go, yeah, look good. I think the same thing. Like, you know, if the terrorists took over this plane, I could do something. Yeah, totally. But it's like, no, you couldn't. No, no. They'd shoot you immediately.

Exactly. I mean, we do it on the couch. You're like, he messed that fucking touch? I would have made that touchdown, you know, shit like that. Yeah, I remember at a roommate who used to say, like, if I had Peyton Manning's training, I could have made the NFL. And I was like, he got the training because he was good, you idiot. I, exactly. Training.

It's hilarious. No, you think that, like, you see a movie like about a badass and you're like, I could do that. Yeah. It's like, no, I could fucking watch it. Yeah, we think we're John Wick. That's why we watch it. We go, that's cool. I can do that.

There's a little party of you. Mencia, believe it or not, he had that old joke where every guy walks out of a action movie and's like, I can kick anybody's ass. I'm ready to fight anybody. Not his best joke, but I think he stole it from Bob Newhart. But I'm just saying. Well, it's like Eddie Murphy's bit about Rocky when he's like, you Italian get out there and you believe that shit. Exactly. Yeah.

Oh, geez. Oh, geez. I didn't know about this. It's a month old. He was stealing money, too. Oh, my God. Tweet it. Yeah, 12,

Carlos Moodsia, 12 felony tax-related. Wow. Yeah. Holy moly. 8.7 million in personal corporate income. Whoa.

Do, do, do. Holy shit, he stole Wesley Snipes bit. Damn. Clip that one. That's a good little clip theater. Yeah. All right. Is it you?

I went. I did the ego thing. I read this book on the NER. Nuremberg trials and there's two ideas I have. One is, I know, a light summary read, but but it's about Hans Frank, who's

Hitler's attorney. Oh my God. And how he was maybe gay. Like his son thinks he's gay and I told him to a friend, he was like, yeah, they're just saying that to ruin his reputation and I was like, I mean, he was a Nazi. Is that tipping the scales for anyone? Like he was a Nazi and like

whatever, like Andy Fuck dude. which are like, all right, screw that guy. And he's what, like, it's even worse. So that was part one, and then part two was how his son grew up to be a prestigious journalist. And he would, you know, he would go, like, you know, right around the world. He's part of this book. And he goes to a concentration camp. And someone asks him, did you lose your family in the Holocaust?

And he said, actually, the opposite. My father is Hans Frank. He was one of the architects of the concentration camps. He was Hitler's attorney. and he walked away with great shame and guilt. And I was like, wow, if that wasn't me, I would have just said no. Like, what the fuck? Why do you share that much, you psycho?

You're not helping anyone. Right. What do you want them to do with that information, you know? Yeah, that's great. So I think there's something there, but the gay thing is the part that's like, I think it could be like maybe better word it, but it's like... Yeah. I think if Hitler's like, if I had a Jewish law, I wouldn't be in this trouble.

Yeah, I thought about that because there's something funny about like them saying that Jews are inferior and then they're just being prosecuted by all these fucking super Jew lawyers. Like these are like literally the smartest lawyers they had. And they're like, fuck, they're actually not bad. Yeah. You know, something like that. There's also something funny about like gay or not.

I don't know which way to go here, but like gay and Nazi, it's like either way, you're disappointing any father. One of those is going to piss off any dad. Yeah. Well, it's got to be the Jew lawyer thing. It's got to be how the white supremacists feel when Jackie Robinson showed up. Oh, that's funny. Oh, we're the superior race.

We're better than. We're pretty good at this. Yeah, yeah, right. Bolt, 1947, by the way. Oh, is that right? Jackie Robinson was 47. And the trials? Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, holy shit. Wow. That's a good fucking movie, 42. It's a good sports movie. Yeah, Jackie Robinson. I like the gay thing, too. There's something to it, right? Koumail had this great old bit where he said...

Maybe 57, I'm sorry, 57. Yeah, that sounds like. Sorry, 57. Jack, it's a more sense, I guess. Kumail is a great bit about Dumbledore. Jake A. Raleigh made Dumbledore gay. And, like, that pissed off a bunch of people. And there was like, I can't believe he's gay.

Like, you can believe he's a wizard? That's Ted Alexander. Oh, is that Ted? Yeah. Uh-oh. Man, that is Ted. Yeah. What am I thinking of?

Kumail had a different Harry Potter bit, maybe. But yeah, you're right. Between us, we got a pretty good encyclopedia. Not bad. Not bad. April 47. Oh, you're right. Yeah.

All right. You're my dad was born. There's probably Nuremberg trials right around then, too. That's crazy that it was in 47. Yeah. That must have been really fucking hard. Oh, I think he fought in the war. Is that true?

And he was like, I can't believe I have to fight in the war, and I can't play baseball in my country. A lot of those baseball players fought in the war. All those guys, dude. Ted Williams lost three years of his prime. Joe Mazio was three years. Yeah. Ted Williams was a fighter pilot. Crazy.

In Korea, too. Yeah. He served in Korea as well. He had killed. Oh. He killed people. He killed people. Oh, he's a bomber.

But he had like crazy vision because I mean it's like if you can bat 400 Clearly you got an insane eyesight Yeah But his whole unit I think was like crazy I think it was like the best God men we're men We're weak

We're pussy's We are we really are Like going over Just going over there is a hassle I gotta go to fucking Germany How long is that flight Is it first class? No you're actually on a plane

In a bench With their thing hooked The flight gets delayed now And we're like I know Meanwhile they're like you have to go to war and they're like, all right. Yes.

It's what men did. You see the guys in the U-boats. I'm like, how many are in here? There's a lot of people. There's no cushion. It's all metal. Like the raves. Is there a meal?

Yeah, exactly. That's my impression of a Jew on the Odyssey. Is anyone have dromamine? Any of those wristbands? I'm seasick. Is there dairy in this? Sam has a panic attack in Greece for 15 minutes. I know.

I know. Not a panic attack, but I was fine there. I felt bad after the cellar. That's what I feel bad. I feel bad when I give them, I feel like a bad show, and I'm slipping. Because you can't, that's the thing about the seller is you can't help but compare yourself to other acts. And on the road, you're kind of free of that because you have the cushion of your audience.

And, you know, you sometimes watch the open, but you usually working on your ship. But I often see someone before me at the cellar. Yeah. And if I, so I know if I got buried. Totally. So it's not healthy, but you're going to compare yourself. And whether we like it or not, the audience is doing it too. I see everybody walk out go, the third guy was great.

I didn't really like the one guy, but the second guy was awesome. They do it. It's just instinctively. But the road is great, too. I'm doing Jim Jeffries' bits. I'm killing. Crushing with Jeffries.

Won't happen again, Jim. I didn't know, even though I like the bit, apparently. All right. Shit. Hold on. Thought I had one. I can't find it. Uh, eh, eh, eh.

There's a piggybacking on the gate. thing. Feel free to cut. I can't think of it. Maybe it's in my phone. This has been a great last episode. We have to do that. We have to do last drink every week now.

Totally. This is it, guys. This is it. Oh, yeah. By the way, the right left thing is working about the right loves the country, the love hates the country, that whole thing. Can you set that one up for us? I don't remember it.

I did it on the last step. Two apps ago. And then Peters gave me the line, try it. Try this food tastes weird. Try it. And that's killing. So, kudos to you. There's always a couple I have that I'm like, this should work.

Yes. Funny, I was talking jokes with Matt Broussard, who's so mathematical about jokes. He's a, you know, a very good joke writer. And he's like, that should work. And then I tried and it didn't work. And I was like, nah. Nah. I mean, it's, it sucks enough of a joke that people compliment and it just isn't working.

Right. You know, like, that was hilarious. Like, it does, it works like 30% of the time. I know. I have a few of those, too. It's so frustrating. Is this stupid? Just tell me this is stupid.

I'll move on. So I got this kid, and it's weird that a lot of my rich friends I know have no kids. And a lot of my broke friends have five kids. And I'm like, what's up with that? Like, why would you, you know, why would you have a kid if you're broke? Then I realize making kids is free. Isn't that weird? The most important thing in your life, the most, uh,

The thing you love the most was free to make. Obviously, it costs money later, but free to make. And then maybe it's because rich people can have their own experiences. They can go to parties, concerts, travel. Poor people are like, this is my thing. I can make a kid. Could be something that funny about how gay guys love Broadway. It's expensive.

Can't make a kid. Right, right. They can still fuck, though, I guess. Yeah. And then the only part that gets a laugh is I go, free to make a kid, getting rid of a kid. That's 400 bucks. That's good. That hits because maybe they're so poor they can't afford to get rid of it.

But I think that... I think the point of it is if you're rich, you can afford to, like... Do other stuff. Do other stuff. When you're poor, you're like, hey, I can make a kid and have a pretty cool life. Yeah, IMAX is getting expensive. Let's fuck. Yeah, yeah.

You don't think about that. There's going to be an 18-year commitment. Right. It's free to make, but then you're like, it's almost like maxing out your credit cards. I had that line. It's like a credit card, yeah. It's free to get, but then after a while you're going to... It's going to ruin your life.

Yeah. You're going to pay for it. Yeah, free to. I had a bit that never worked from back in the day. It was like about Elon Musk and like how rich and poor actually more in common than you think. Yeah. But it's like, you know, both of them just like they love fucking without condoms, you know? Yeah.

I forgot where it went, but the angle was like, because I think rich people are like, it'll work out. I'm rich and poor people are like, I mean, I'm fucked anyway. I'll just, you know. Yeah. Like part of the, I think the. premise of it. I forgot how it went, but... Yeah. Yeah. The idea that kids are free.

I think it's like pay later. It's like... Pay later. Free now, pay later. Yes, yes. What else is free now that you pay later for? Yeah. It's like... College? You take out a big loan. That's fucking good. College. Because then it fucks you later. You're like... And the kid takes a loan out too.

Yeah, right. Right. And the kid wants to go to college. That's... I think there's something. there. Interesting. College, huh? What else? What, I mean, it's free. Credit card. Getting married, it's free. No. Well, the weddings. I mean, you can go to City Hall.

That's true. Also, I find a lot of rich people I know are much more stingy than the poor people I know. Hmm. Interesting. Don't you notice that? Like, poor people, like, I just take it. And rich people are like, yeah, fuck, I need this. That's true. I see people, like, scruffy-looking people give a homeless guy a dollar, and the guy in the suit doesn't. Exactly. Yeah.

There's something about I don't know By the way You wear a suit I had to wear a suit the other day For something People treat you way different What would you do?

I did I did do something With a suit What the hell is I doing There's something with the wife It wasn't comedy It was like A dinner or something

Yeah it was like a dinner Something She was dressed up I was dressed up Well how did they treat you I mean people were asking me For directions People were like

Like just talking to me Like What do you do for a living sir and I was like sir oh my god it's crazy it was people treat you way differently if you what do you do for a living yeah I had a guy on the subway like hey sir well what do you guys do because we were both dressed up like what are you guys up to you guys going to the opera yeah it was interesting yeah that's what you do it was almost like if they knew I never wear a suit they could sense that it was weird I feel that way when I wear a suit yeah it's pretty rare

and I feel like I'm getting looks but I think it I think it's in my head I don't think it's real showed you a picture of a guy this guy gay to you often Some suits. Yeah. Yeah, Broadway is funny too. That's why gay guys have so much experiences. So many experiences. They go out to eat, they go to concerts, they go to Broadway.

There's no kids. They got no kids. Some have kids. Some adopt, I guess. True, true. But it's like, yeah. Pay later. It's close to something.

Yeah, it's close. It's right there. Every comic I told us to, they go, oh. Yeah. But then we don't get anywhere. Hmm. Yeah, kids are free. It's just fascinating to me that the most important thing in your life was free to make.

You got it for free. Maybe even an accident. You know, some guys, they love their Mercedes-Benz. They wash it every day. They changed the oil, do all this shit. They paid, you know, 80 grand for this thing. But the kid, you like even more than that, and it was free. Yeah.

Feels off. And the words of Carl, there's something off here. But I don't know what I'm trying to say. But you should like a kid more than I'm. Mercedes. You should, yeah. I'm just saying one is... Like, the thing's all right, but the fucking car, dude.

So cool. I mean, um, most thing and the thing, like, you know, a lot of people just fuck to fuck. Yeah.

That's true. Then, like, then you spend all this money to like, you know, condoms aren't cheap. More than after pill ain't cheap. Abortion.

Yeah. A couple hundred bucks. Yeah. A couple hundred. Where are you going? Well, 200. Did you say 800?

Yeah, that's not a couple of. A couple hundred. Oh, all right. $800. Abortion is $800? They were four back when I was banging. I paid for a lot of abortions.

They were four in New York, by the way. That was 2013, 14. It's just such a funny image. You're like, oh, for him, not bad. Good stuff. It's also funny that abortions go up. Like, what is this? The market?

You know, like, are we getting rid of more kids? Yeah. I guess everything has to go up. So that means in the 50s, were they like, a buck 50? Look it up. I think they were illegal in the 50s. That's true. If you knew someone, though.

You'd go to a doctor or Puerto Rico's whatever. Right, right. People, you knew someone you know. I bet they charged a lot because they're like, you need me, you know. This is illegal and I'm saving your life. Yeah, what's the deal? Like, what year did it become? I think in the 70s, right?

Yeah, 70s, right. Yeah, in 1950s, underground illegal abortions typically cost 100 to 500, equivalent to 1,000 to 5,000 today. That's what I'm saying. They gouge it. They got you by the balls. They literally goutes you. Oh, yeah.

Back alley abortions, yeah. They got you by the womb. Back alley sounds rough. Because you picture a back alley. Yes. Not even an alley. A back alley. Who is a back alley?

Aren't they all back alleys? There's no front alley. There's no front alley. Back alley. That's like full-blown aids. What is full-blown? Are you talking to the abortion doctor? He's like trying to perform.

He's like, will you shut up? Jesus Christ, I'm up by the alley. It's my office. What's up with the bowling alley? Don't get me sad around. Don't get me saddened on Christy Alley. If you got any peaves, I know you're cooking up some pews, Mark. No, I got shit.

I had two peeves on the way here, and I go, I will remember them, and I forgot them. I might have another. Maybe they'll jar something. If you don't remember, I might have another peeve. By the way, shout out to a rental car. I always bitch about rental car. Sixth. S-I-X-T, best rental car.

Best rental car company Never heard any of these companies Really? Pull them up You've seen this logo They're great They're great They're a little bit more money But I scanned a QR code

And you handed me a key No line No line No bullshit Yeah Whoops Yeah that's them And the car's like

And you get a nice car 30% less than Hertz And all that stuff This is not an ad I just happened to use it too Yeah I got a beamer in Florida I was zipping around I felt like a badass

Damn Yeah it was nice And no line You got a beamer in New York That's true But it's vintage I got to peeve for you Okay

Companies that give you a really long window Like cable companies Oh sure We'll be there one to five I'm like one to five Like I know the second I put my ass in the toilet seat They're gonna hit the doorbell Exactly

I know the second I take it I'm like oh 100% 237 I should have known Yes yes So annoying What was that thing we had at the diner I was like this is a Larry David moment Oh I think it was

You're talking about If you go to the airport or you're at a party and you're charging your phone, this one? Yes. You're going to airport and you're charging your phone and you have to walk away from it and you come back and someone else is charging their phone with your phone stacked on top of each other.

Yes. This I hate. That's a fight. That's fighting words, I think. That's not like, that's an insane move. That's stealing. But then they always go, well, what are you at? And you go, I was here first.

That's my argument. And that's the story of America. Yeah. Sorry, Indians. But yeah. That's fighting. words. I mean, that's stealing. You're stealing my outlet. That's, I've never heard of that. That's crazy. That's crazy. You gotta get yourself

one of those little charge packs. I have one. It comes in handy on the road. The girl's, the girl's, always dead. Same with mine. Always dead. My wife, always, she's in the red all the time. Like, how do you live like this? It's crazy. And then we'll go to bars. She's like, can you charge this? I'm like, now you've got to give it to every bartender and every waitress. That is, it is a girl move. That is a girl move. She'll do it with the Uber. I'll let the phone die. Same. Same. That's true. It is such a girl move to be like, excuse me? Yeah.

You know what else is a girl move that I could never do? This is a drunk girl move. Single days. You get into Uber and they're like, excuse me, Muhammad, can I use your ox cord? And then they put on fucking Ariana Grande and it's like, poochie, poochie, poochie, poochie, pooch.

I can't believe you had the balls out of this guy for his ox cord. And now you're playing your music in his camera. The only time I ever did the control of the radio in the cab is when I was shit-faced. Exactly. The only time I would be like, hey, can we get some good fucking tunes on? What would you play? I never did it so.

I'd never do this thing. Ding, daling, ding, ding, ding. Don't know for that shit. Put on some strokes. This is America. Sam, you're drunk in an Uber, and you have the ox cord. What are you playing?

Of my phone? Yeah. I got a killer pre-show playlist. I'll send it to you. It's every mood goes high, goes low. It's got country, rap, rock. Wow. It's got every, I got fucking make them laugh on

there from singing. Oh, I love it. Because I need a good vibe song. Yeah. So I got oldies. I got new stuff. It's great. So every city I go to, they go, who's list is this? And I always end up sending it to the people. Damn. It's a good playlist. Shindler's. Yeah. Shindler's playlist is what it's called. Shindler's playlist. I love to hear of Hava. Hama. I was worried. You were like, when I get to the drunk and I get to the camera, I put on my playlist. It's hallelujah. Senator Cohen. That's after I get dumped.

Give me that fucking Ox Corps, dude. Put on Don't Think Twice by Bob Dylan. Don't think twice, it's all right. Put on some Townsvan sand. Ooh, we. All right. What an app. What a banger.

All right. I'll save them. That phone charger, that is a peave of the year. And the stacking on your phone is like, insult to injury. Totally. Crazy. Crazy talk.

All right. Where are you going to be? Are you doing some clubs, huh? Yeah, I just added something that aren't on my site. Yeah, but yeah, for now, let's go with Brea Improv. What is that? The 21st, the 23rd of August. Then I got Lisbon.

Can you make it a little bigger there? Athens, Greece. Selling well there. Budapest, Zagreb, Vienna, Warsaw. Added a second show. There's all September. Helsinki. Never been.

Can't wait. Stockholm. Copenhagen. Then I just added Nashville, Zanis, September 18th and 19th. Can't wait. And then San Diego, September 24th through 26, Acme, and the end of that month, my fucking special drop. So you better be ready for that one.

I just added, yeah, we have something that should be on sale by the time this comes out. I'll add something November 12th, but we just added the improv in Pittsburgh, November 19th through 21st, hilarities in Cleveland. December 3rd through 5th. Madison, Comedy Club on State,

December 10th through 12th. And Magoobie is in Baltimore, December 17th through 19th. Can't wait for all these. I'm going to have to cook up some news shit, but I'm working on it. Oh, yeah. There we go.

I'm at the Houston Improv. That's a big room, so we'd love to have you. Zanis in Nashville. We added the show Pittsburgh Improv. Hello, you Jinses. Casino Regina, two shows, gets them every time. Calgary, come on out to that, that's a hot room, Club Regent Event Center in Winnipeg.

All right, I assume that's a casino, and Acme in Minneapolis, and this might go with the movie, so we'll see, but Denver, Comedy Works, and Comedy on State. Bangers. Bangers in a row, huh? Damn, that is like, that's all top five. Yeah, Portland, Helium, we'll see with the movie,

but yeah, we'd love to have you. Then I'm doing two quick ones at Cap City in Austin. Tropicana, Palazzo in Vegas, Charlotte, yada, yada, come on out, mothership, and Foxwoods, and there you go. Thank you, get some bodega cat. Whiskey. Bodecaat whiskey.com. Bodecaat whiskey on Instagram, DM.

We're making a lot of moves at these places. Oh, and you know what? We forgot to do this. We want to get into the electrolyte powder game. So if anyone knows how to do this, please hit us up. We want it to be a companion, bodega cat, electrolytes powder. Yes. You know, cool flavors.

Healthy, too. Want to be healthy. Yeah, you get drunk. For the hangover cure. The night before you have the packet. It's a package deal. We want a bodega. Yeah, it's good for the gym.

Good for your hangovers. Yes. Sorry, Matt. I was going to say. I was going to raise a glass, too. I don't know if we mentioned it on the other one. Mark's having another baby. Mark and May are pregnant.

Oh, yeah. Thanks. Thanks. I didn't want to bring it up on the show. It's too smaltzy. But, yeah. Another baby. Coming out in Christmas.

Coming out. What a comic. Hey. Hey, Milesal tough. Yeah, two boys. That's huge. Yeah, by the way, no one is more misogynist on the planet is when you, and men and women, by the way, they go, what do you have? And I go, boy, they go, oh, thank God.

Every single person. Maybe that could be a bit. Coming out. Coming out. All right. Mark, no one goes off on his baby. Best we ever had