We Need To Talk with Paul C. Brunson - Jake Hall’s Ex On Sudden Death: “I Wish He Called Me” | Missé Beqiri

Episode Date: June 30, 2026

Missé Beqiri, model and former Real Housewives of Cheshire star, opens up following the recent passing of her former partner Jake Hall. In this deeply emotional conversation, Missé reflects on grief, love, motherhood, and the unanswered questions that still follow her. She speaks about the night everything changed, the guilt she continues to carry, and the reality of trying to stay strong for her daughter while grieving someone she once loved. Missé also opens up about the loss of her brother, the childhood wounds that shaped her need for validation, and the impact reality TV had on her marriage and family life. Raw, honest and deeply human, this is Missé like you’ve never seen her before. Missé Beqiri, We Need To Talk This episode includes discussion of grief. If you’re struggling with these themes or your own mental health, remember you’re not alone. You can find help and resources at the links below: CALM: https://linkly.link/2dx8H    MIND:  https://linkly.link/2dx8b  Follow us here: https://www.instagram.com/needtotalk   https://www.tiktok.com/@weneedtotalkpod   Sign up to our newsletter https://linkly.link/2eXHX Follow Missé here: https://www.instagram.com/missebeqiri/ https://www.tiktok.com/@misse.beqiri (00:00) Intro (01:46) Paul and Misse Acknowledge the Passing of Jake Hall (04:57) Growing Up Albanian in Sweden (09:12) Complicated Relationship With Her Parents (14:47) Auditioning for Sweden's Next Top Model (22:35) The Dark Side of Modelling (28:48) Huel Ad (30:01) Missé’s Relationship With Her Brother (33:45) Missé Explains the Circumstances of Her Brother's Passing (40:52) Dating Anders Lindegaard (46:20) Marrying Anders Lindegaard (50:58) The Real Housewives of Cheshire and How It Led to Her Divorce From Anders (01:00:56) Meeting Jake Hall (01:08:36) Breaking Up With Jake (01:10:44) Jake's Struggle With Mental Health (01:15:33) Ladies of London (01:22:10) Grief And The Tragic Passing of Jake Hall (01:43:58) Paul Shows Missé a Photo of Jake and River (01:45:30) What Does the Future Hold for Missé? (01:49:59) Most Memorable Conversation (01:52:10) Paul's Takeaways Sponsored by: Huel - Try Huel Lite Ramen - the new lighter instant noodle.  Under 230 calories, 25g protein, ready in 5 minutes. Use code WNTT for £10 off at https://www.uk.huel.com/wntt  New customers only. Minimum spend required. Offer valid until 30 days after June 30th. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Wayfair, every style, every home. So the night Jake died, I was there. I wish he called me. Because it is hunting me now. Would this have ever happened if I didn't leave? I'm Misset and I'm a supermodel from Sweden. Can we dig deep on? You joined the Real Housewives of Cheshire.

Yeah. You think I have time to like play friends? That yell is like, Paul don't break that up. To be honest with you, I've never said this before I've got, but... Now, Jake at that time, he was on Taui. And when you saw Jake for the first time, did that fire set in? Yeah, he was very electric. I never thought we're actually gonna break up.

Everyone around us knew. It was some crazy love we had, but we also had. but we also had some very dark moments together. It was fire with fire. When you have a partner who's struggling with mental health, it's incredibly hard. From your position, what happened today? Until this day, I'm like, surely someone is going to wake me up

and say, it's a bad dream. Like, he would never have left our daughter River. I go, Mommy loves you. Yeah, but you know that. Probably looks like crazy right now. You know, you look incredibly human to me. You're going through a lot, but when you're you're going through a lot, but when you're not, you know, you're not.

think back. Is there anything that you want to clarify? Before we begin, a quick note that my conversation with Missy includes discussion of the sudden passing of Jake Hall. Now, we talk openly about loss, grief, and its impact, and some viewers may find parts of this conversation upsetting, so please watch with care. We've listed support resources in the episode description. I just want to acknowledge how appreciative I am for you to come in. Thank you. I'm so pleased to be here. In particular, because I know that this has been a very challenging period for you,

especially as of recent. And your former partner, should I say, recently passed away. Yeah. And we're still just literally weeks from that incident. and probably a week only from the funeral. Yeah. And so for you to come in is highly appreciated. And I know that we all deal with grief differently.

And for many of us, having these discussions helps. Is that one of the reasons why you wanted to come in and talk? Yes. I'm super honored to be here and to meet you. And, you know, I felt also you were the right person to talk to because I think you have a very honest conversation and you bring some really beautiful stories and people feel very comfortable with you. So I felt that you is the right person to talk to. And yes, correct. We just had the funeral literally a week ago.

I think still, like, till this day, I'm like, surely it's not true. Like someone is going to wake me up and say it's a bad dream. Like, it's not happened. It feels so hard to accept that he's gone. It's killing me inside. He seemed to be not only everywhere, but involved with so many things. Yeah.

You know, and I definitely want to give him. his space and talk about him in detail. But I was, I mean, I was aware of Jake, you know. I was, I came to the UK in 2018. Okay. And I became aware of, I think the first thing about Jake was his first clothing brand. Yeah, yeah, preview. Preview.

Yes, exactly. Yes, it was everywhere. Everywhere. Everyone wore it. It was incredible. Yes. Yes. Yes. And that's where he really first hit my radar.

Yeah. And then just became impressed with his artistic. Yeah. Because I know he came from sports. He did. Yeah. He was a football player first. Yes.

But I think it was his artistic and creative abilities that really impressed me. Yeah. But we'll definitely go there. Yeah. We'll go there. Can we, though, dig deep. on you. Yeah.

Can we do that? Yeah. Can we go? Whatever that means, let's go. Like, let's do it. Let's go. I want to go to a place I have never been, but I desperately want to go. It is top five on my list.

Yeah. Sweden. Oh my God. You have to come. I show you around. Please. It's amazing. Can you tell me about what it was.

like growing up and the community that you grew up in? So Sweden is very, very safe, very nice, very green, very spacious. Everyone kind of cares for each other and I love my childhood, you know. And what was the village that you grew up in? Malma. Malma. Yeah. It's Malma.

Malma. Malma. and I researched. Malma. Malma, yes. And what the number one thing that blew me away was that, so the district is called Skona. Skona. Yeah.

So Skona has roughly one third of Albanians who live in Sweden, live in your district. Yeah. Obviously, like there's a lot of Albanians, but they're very like spread out. but they also culture they keep together. So, you know, it's nice for my family because like my mom's sisters, uncle, you know, my uncles are there, their children. And it's like half of the family is in Sweden. Okay. So I'm curious then, growing up, or now when you reflect back, do you feel like you had an Albanian identity or a Swedish?

identity or did you feel like you created some kind of third identity for yourself? Yeah. I love this question because this is always something I not struggled with, but it was always like, but she's Swedish, but she's Albania, but where is she from? But who is she? But what is, you know, and it's hard because, you know, being born in Sweden, especially at my time, And there was no Albanians then because it was very early in the 80s. Okay. And I was only surrounded by Swedish people. And there was a small community of Albanian and foreign in general.

There was all Swedish people. And that's all I knew. And I grew up with Swedish people. And obviously we had like some cousins. My mom then got to know more people. and my uncle was there because the reason why my mom went to Sweden was because her and my dad was having a little bit of issues

and my uncle was working in the government in Sweden. And he said, why don't you guys come here and have a break? You know, maybe you like it here. And they loved it there, so they stayed. And, you know, my mom was young. I think she was like 30, 39 or something like this when she went to Sweden. And then I'd go to Albania, they're like, oh, you're not Albanian.

You don't even speak the language. Oh, wow. They're like, oh, you need to learn how to speak properly because they're very patriotic. And, you know, I love them for that because they're amazing people. But it was an out of choice, you know, like because I grew up in Sweden. I was in school, my friends. So I did feel more Swedish. But I felt since I've gone a bit older.

I kind of can see that, you know, your jeans are your jeans. And I'm very proud to be Albanian. And I love it. You know, I love it. I love it there. I don't go as much as I want. And I would like to, you know, I would love to go with the kids and show them, you know, where mommy's from.

And I've always felt a lot of people always like, but you're not Swedish. You don't look very Swedish. You know, I was like, yeah, but. But, but. Yes. So it's always been that for sure. Yes. Yes.

And then also I understand that growing up, was it in school, was it challenging for you or not so much? I loved, like, I did really enjoy going into school and I enjoyed, like, I loved my friends. And, you know, I was always looking at my mom. She was really hardworking my mom. Okay. She was a school teacher. So she was a very, like, inspiring women. And I always kind of felt a bit sorry for her because she was always working.

And I remember her always with groceries and, you know, she was a very strong woman. And I always looked at my dad and I thought, lazy bastard. I was like, and he was a bit more laid back my dad, you know, he would, he would like take work off whenever he wanted where my mom was very, you know, hard. working woman. And like at home, sometimes it wasn't always like the safest place. You know, my dad will have like kick off or he was always very loud and I'm quite a sensitive person and I don't think my dad really understood or knew me as a child. Home is typically where we are, where we feel safe. Yeah. It's normally a refuge. Right. So if it's not a refuge, we have to seek that somewhere else.

Exactly. And for you, it was school. But then you mentioned that you did have some challenges, though, while you were at school. So what were those challenges? It was just the challenges for me was the focus. Even though my mom was a teacher, she was an amazing mom. But my dad, he was brought up very different. Yeah.

It was a different culture for him. He didn't understand, like, she said, mentally not in a good place, she's stressed out, I need to talk to her, I need to give, she needs love. You never met my needs. And it really has damaged me. Sorry. I've never done this before.

Sorry. I just think that generation of parenting, it's like, I don't think they do it on purpose and I don't want to blame it. him because I feel sad because he's a good man, but they don't understand how much it affects your future because they wasn't taught that and it's not their fault. But I feel like a lot of choices, decisions I've made in my older missy was because the little missy never was didn't get the hug, you know? And he's taking me 38 years to unpack that because I never understood what was my issue. Getting to your teens, then is the boys, right? And what do you do? You seek validation and attention. And that's kind of

the journey how it started for me because I was like, I looked a little bit different to my friends. I was skinny. I had a mall. I had really like light brown big hair. And I always felt like that the guys was looking at me growing up, like in school. Looking at you, how so? Like they wanted to talk and they wanted to kind of befriend me. Okay.

So growing up, I always kind of felt that I had male attention but never from my dad. it was almost like my dad would give me attention but almost like a punishment contrary to explain it it was more like he would give me attention when he wanted to like when he's done something really bad or shouted at my mom or you know when he thought okay I took it too far I see but it was never just oh let's watch a movie or let's go for a walk or, you know, just like normal parenting skills. And he just didn't have that. And I can't blame him for that because I feel bad to blame him for that. But at the same time, it was a big problem in our household. You articulated that very well because you gave

him grace by saying he did what he could with what he had. Yeah, exactly. And the circumstances that he grew up in was probably even more challenging. Yeah, I don't need everything he's got to hug as a child either. Yes. But then at the same time, you were very clear that you needed more. Yeah. You know. And I think that you also did a very good job at indicating how not having that unconditional love.

Yeah. That feeling of safety, how that put you on to this journey of seeking validation. Yeah. Could you speak a little bit more even about that? Because I think that's a journey that so many people have gone on. Yeah. Where you didn't get that validation from your father. You felt you were getting attention from boys and an early age.

Did you lean into that? Yeah. Okay, how so? So while I was in school, I had TV programs who did this next top mother of Sweden. Okay. I went to. On your own? No, they approached me on the street, yeah.

Okay. And then they asked if I wanted to come on this TV show to become, like you compete to become a model kind of thing. And I went on the casting, and then I got on to like a closer step to get the, I think there's like 15 girls they choose. Okay. But then I didn't make the last step.

And I was like, I'm not sure. if this is for me, but I think I thought I quite liked it, but then it didn't happen. And then I was like, I'm actually going to see if I can get some like part-time job in the weekends to get some money in. And then I, this is where I start traveling to Copenhagen. So Malma connects us to Denmark with a bridge. Erlussunsbrun is called. Actually, my dad was working on that bridge. Oh my goodness.

Yeah. Because my dad works with Steel. So he was helping to build that bridge. Okay. And I started traveling to Copenhagen where I got a job in this clothing store. So I was working there in the weekends. And it was a big city. You know, I was like, okay, this is what I'm going to see what this is.

and then people used to come into the store and see me there. Uh-huh. And this is where kind of my life, my second life started, because I was approached by, like, agents and people and, you know, girls, guys, whatever. It was a big city. It was, like, the next step for me in my life. And they approached you just off of your look.

Yeah. They just saw you. Yeah. They said, look at her. Yeah. And literally, agents would walk into the store and say, you need to be a model. Yeah. Okay.

Yeah. Like, I think also a lot of the time is because of my mall, it, like, kind of stood out a little bit. Okay. And I had big eyebrows and, you know, yeah, it looked a bit, like, different to average person, I'd say. I mean, either you loved or you hate it because some people also didn't like it. like, what the hell is on her face? Remove that thing. But others love that.

So it wasn't like always liked. How much of it? Because Cindy Crawford's before your time. Yeah. Right? And I think, you know, I'm sure people have said that you are Cindy Crawford-esque. Similar. Yeah.

Right? She had the mole as well, similar features. Do you think that part of it was that as well? Yeah. Okay. I think part of, I think because she, like, I was young and they were like, they look very alike. So it was like when they started to do in my books, they tried to make me look like her. And, you know, she was absolute, I mean, she still is till this day.

And I absolutely love her. But it was a big change in my life. You know, I came from a little village in Malma with my like crazy dad, my hardworking, mom and and then I was in a big city where people was asking me to be a model. I'm like, what was this happening? What is going on? But did you view that as a way to escape as a way out? Yeah.

Okay. And I was like, exactly, this is what I wanted. I knew there was something more. We have conversations just like this one every week. So if you haven't already, hit follow and the bell icon, and I'll see you for the next one. So then what happened? What was the first gig that you got?

Or at what point did you feel like, okay, you're now a full-time model? So I had this lady called Jackie. She owned one of the biggest, she still does, owns one of the biggest model agencies in Copenhagen called Unique Models. And she walked into the store

and she was like, who's that girl? And I was like, she kept looking at. I was like, and she looked very cool. She has a very, very unique way about her. And she was like, you need to come into my agency. And I was like, okay. She was like, yes, I want to see you.

Please come in. I was like, oh, she's like, I promise you that you can do this full time. You don't have to work in here. Oh, wow. And then I started like getting like small gigs like catalogs. And I never done it before. So everything was very new for me. And as a model, you start quite young.

You start when you're like 14. And I started when I was like almost 19. Okay. So for modeling, that's quite not old, but older. Yes. So I didn't have any experience more than my cousins, my families, everyone being like, oh, Missy, you should be a movie star. Missy, you are Julia Roberts.

I always had these comparisons, like, growing up, in my, like, family and my little Malma community. Yeah, but that must have been good. They just watched TV, you know, they didn't know what that mean to actually be on TV. And not my dad, though. Never my dad. Right. It was always, like, family and friends.

What about your mom? Yeah, she was very supportive of my mom. But then the career seems like it took. off fairly quickly. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, it took off like instantly, really. So we start getting bookings in and my agent was like, okay, you're going there, you're going there. And then I started traveling. So outside of Sweden. Yes. And then we were, you know, we were doing swim in Milan. We were doing this in South Africa. We was in New York. We was in a lot of countries shooting. And we were in Germany.

And for me, it was always like, I always had that, like, she's Missy, but she looks like. She's Missy, but she looks like. Interesting, yeah. She's Missy, but she looks. It's like I never actually had, like, she's Missy, and that's her. This is just who Missy is. I always had, it's Missy, but she looks like. like my whole career I had this.

And so for me sometimes it was a, like I love to hear it, but sometimes it was also a little bit hard because I was like, but who am I? And then you go back to that child feeling again when you're like, am I being neglected? Like am I not good enough? Right. So I did have that always in my career. When you think about your career in particular, I mean, modeling, I think, you know, it wasn't until I talked to Miranda Kerr. Yeah. Yeah.

And I'll never forget how she described her career. You know, she talked about how the view is that it's incredibly glamorous. Yeah. But how much hard work and hustle and how good. and how grueling it is to model. Is that how you found your career? Was it the same way? I mean, it is like a day in the office.

It's not like, you know, you watch over, you see all the, when it's done. Like, it's a whole team behind all these imagery and we all work very, very hard. And it's like sometimes maybe you go through things in life or you're depressed or you're not just, feeling good, but you show up and you do what you're being told to do because you have to perform. And you learn this whole performing, you know, you start becoming good at just numbing yourself. And you have to just be strong. And even if you had the worst day of your life and you cried all morning, you have to show up and be happy on set. And that's just like what you have to do.

Yeah. That what you just said, that really hit me, if you could expand on that, that numbing yourself. This is what you're talking about. Yeah. What are some more examples of you having to numb yourself as a model? And the reason why that resonates with you so much is I want to say that Miranda said something similar. Sure she did, yeah. Yes.

Because it is what happens. So a lot of girls like us and like a lot of my friends who are models can relate is that we, we, we, go to model apartments and we're like 10 girls in these apartments and we'll obviously have our own rooms, but we don't know what's right or wrong. We're just going with the flow and we get the schedules, we follow them and then we wanted to have fun. Right. And we get approached by all these really gorgeous promoters who's like, oh yeah, we have a table at this and this. We're like, oh yeah. And we didn't know that these guys are looking at us, oh, we having hot girls on our table. So I'm like, that's not, because we didn't know that.

I don't come from that. I come from a village in Malma where I don't think you could even book a table in a club. You know? Yes, yes. Like, that's not how I wasn't brought up like that. Yes. So I was in this like, wow, we're in this fancy club. We don't have to pay.

So everything was, it was a whole new world for us. I can see it. As young girls. And then, you know, you hear stories and our friend was like, oh my God, this happened. The photographers did this and he said that. And then you start hearing these like really uncomfortable stories. And you're like, hold on, that doesn't seem right. That doesn't feel right.

And then you start kind of seeing what was going on behind. a lot of our lives, that there was some like really shitty situation that was happening around us. Could we want, just to put this out, if you're okay, is, was there, was there a moment where you were in an unsafe situation

that you felt was unsafe while you were modeling? I didn't feel, I was never in an unsafe situation, but I was close, you know, Like, it was not far from me, if that makes sense. Like, it could have been bad. But I was lucky enough to never be there. And, you know, that was, like, I'm forever grateful for that, that I was protected. But I never was, is never happened to me.

Okay. You know, I think that reflecting back, there are a myriad of interest. where you can see where we let people down and disproportionately let women down in these industries. When you think back to modeling days, right? These are definitely some challenging moments. But what stands out as the highlight for you,

the moment that just you look back and you're, you know, you just can't believe it happened, it was surreal because it was so good? I mean, I book my first, it is called Birgersen is a Danish brand. Okay. And honestly, it was a whole billboard in Copenhagen. And when I saw that and I was like, actually, I am a model now. You know, like, I am something, you know.

and I loved shooting with agent provocateur, you know, that for me is, I love shooting lingerie. I find it, you know, it's just such a feminine, beautiful, strong, powerful and that it's okay that you are a mom and you do lingerie. and I find it very empowering to kind of take back that power as a woman. Okay. That you own your own sexuality and yourself as a person. And that was a big moment for me, too, shooting for them. Yeah.

I love it. I love it. So those photos, do you have those images in your house? No. No. I have them, but not up. Not up. No, not up.

I've moved so many times. You don't even know. Well, we're going to get to it. Yeah, I've moved a lot of times. All right, fair. Our sponsor, Hewle, sent me something new to try. They're light ramen noodles. I've seen healthy noodles advertised before,

but it usually signals that you're about to eat something that tastes like compromise. But Hewle is a brand I love and drink a lot. So if anyone was going to make healthy noodles that I'd enjoy, it's going to be them. Let's get into this. It does smell great. Hold on. genuinely, it's good. It's light, but still filling somehow. And each pot has under 230 calories with 25 grams of protein, vitamin C, B12, iron, magnesium, high fiber, and 26 vitamins

and minerals. But the best part is that there's no effort. I mean, literally, no effort. You boil water, wait a few minutes, and you're ready to eat. And for 2 pound 50 in this economy, Fair play, Hewle. If you want to try for yourself, use code WNTT for 10 pounds off at UK.hul.com slash WNTT. New customers only, minimum spend required, offer valid for 30 days. Can we, because you mentioned him just for a moment, but we haven't given him his space as your brother. Oh, yeah. Because you said, when you're talking about you. growing up, you said, we. Oh, did I? Yes. Yeah. And then you said that your mother, that you, you said, you and your brother were hustlers. Yeah, we were hustlers. You had to just, yeah, here. So your,

your brother, a few years older than you. Three. Three years older. Okay. When you talked about the challenging time that you had in high school and growing up, I would imagine, though, that part of your refuge, though, was your brother. Yeah. Okay. Can I show you something? What? Okay. You said what? There's a few things I have for you. Okay.

I want you to take a look at this. Tell me who's in it. And do you have a picture? What was happening? Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. All right. Now, who's in that?

That's my brother. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Oh, I love this. Where and when was that taken and what was happening in that? So we were actually in Manchester here. Yeah.

This is in front of my car in Manchester. he came to see me there. He came a lot there because I lived in Manchester. I used to live there. Okay. And he came there a lot. It was his happy place.

Okay, Manchester. Manchester. Yeah. Oh, such a gorgeous man. Yeah. Love him. It's crazy. Yeah.

I can see it. Okay. Yeah. I do love him. You know, what I can say about grief is the pain will remain, right? Yeah. But there will be moments of light. Yeah.

Moments of, you know, when you were just looking at your brother, you initially, you smiled. Yeah. Because that's what we always did. He was like my person. and when he was taken from us, it was like I had this light here and it just comes, it's shut off. It's not there anymore. And I've had to learn how to exist without that light,

and I never thought I would ever be able to, like, survive without him. And I had to not judge myself that I was okay to suffer, and I was okay to still talk about him. And I was okay to still post pictures of him. And because I didn't want to, like, I just didn't want to forget him. He didn't want to forget him. It was. You know, you, you haven't.

I believe that you have, you have, you've continued to celebrate him. I'm just so tired. Yeah. Like, he was the one I would. call, you know. He was the one that would be like, I messed up, what do I do here? Or, like, would you think I should do? Would you, like, he was my person.

Yes. And I lost my person. I can see how much he was to you. And I'll hold on to that. As much as you're open to talking about is, can we talk about his past? because from what I read, it was incredibly tragic. Yeah. But then there was lots of news coverage around it with different thoughts.

So just for you to clarify from your position, what happened to your brother? So, you know, like my brother was a hustler. You know, he was social. He knew a lot of people. He was just that guy, you know, that guy that guy that everyone knew. And he had music labels, he owned properties. He just did so many things in, you know, in our lives. In his life.

You know, he got married. His wife is a lawyer, two kids. So my brother was like an alchemist. Like we never knew what he was, where he was, what he was doing. He just did everything. So when this happened, it was a huge shock for the whole family. Because we like, we knew that he knew people and everyone knew him. But we didn't understand how that was even possible that he had some relationship to what all.

these like people, other bad people and such. Right. You know, he used to come to Manchester. We used to go see games. We didn't know he had a whole different life. No one knew. So, you know, I just don't know. Yeah.

I tell you, I mean, when anyone is, when when anyone passes, that in itself is horrendous for us. I think when someone is taken from us, that adds another level of pain. But then when you begin to discover new things about the person that was taken from you, that in itself, that causes even more challenging. And I think that's why I shut down. I was like, all these articles are being printed and written and blowing up, which I understand it was a huge tragic thing, you know, being shot on the bright daylight in London.

I mean, I've never heard that to happen. I've never, yeah. I've never heard that to happen. So, and for me, what I was seeing was like, my brother is dead. like my brother is not coming back. I wasn't thinking about that. The media, the, I was just thinking, how can you guys not understand? We've just lost someone.

Like, please respect it. Please respect it. And I never understand either how people writes about someone that passed in a negative way. which would never make sense to me ever and I will never stand by journalism who do that that they write when they write really ugly things about people that passes it's like just let it go and like just stop it's not fair to do that on a hurting family

it's just not not okay and I mean stop me but because you mentioned he was shot yeah in the daylight yeah and from what I understand his with with his child and his wife yeah yeah because they were they were coming home from from school yeah yeah yeah yeah so so how has his family have they begun the healing journey yeah I mean he's wife she's incredible you know She's an amazing lawyer and she's working. She's looking after those children and she inspiring them to become better.

And I think she's filled that void for them. And, you know, it's inspiring to see how hard she's worked to give those kids a better life. So I'm very proud of her for doing that. Yeah. Very proud of them. And also, too, is the, from what I understand, correct me if I'm wrong here, but the gentleman who did do that to your brother, that he has been locked away for life. Yeah. Yeah.

And he was, and for what I understand is, he had been plotting that for six months. Yeah. That's not long, is it? No, no. No, no. I mean, that is, I think that is very meticulous. Yeah. to plot someone's murder for six months.

He wasn't even from here. He's from Sweden. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He flies over here to do it. It's just. I just don't understand how something like that can even happen. Right. You know, like, is it even safe here?

You know, how can someone just like travel, get a gun, shoot someone? Like, how is that even possible? Right. Yeah. You know, that's what really like fumbles me too, that I'm like, how could that even be possible to be happening? Yeah. And so I'm sure you still, because his children are your, those are your nephews and niece. So I'm sure that you're seeing them all this on.

Yeah, they live abroad now. They don't live here anymore. Okay. They've moved, yeah. But I still see them. I go visit them and they come here and, yeah, I see them. I would love to see them more than I do, but I do see them when they hear, you know, we have sleepovers and my daughter loves them, my kids loves them. Yes.

So they're very close, the children. All right. Good. Yeah. How do you go from, was it literally Copenhagen to Manchester? No, actually. I was in, I was at the time living in. Milan for a period of time because I was getting jobs there and my agency wanted me to stay there

to meet like clients and castings and while I was in Milan I my ex-husband approached me. Oh, in Milan? In Milan. Ah, okay. So we have to talk about this then. Because I thought you I thought you went to Manchester first. No, I was in Milan when we met. He was, he, it was an online thing. Oh my God. It's an online thing. It was a Facebook thing. Oh, it's a Facebook thing? Yeah.

That's a back in the day thing. Yeah, that's what I mean. There was no Instagram. And I did an interview in a magazine. And he saw this magazine. Okay. And he buys this magazine each month. And they do always a page of a girl.

Like, they do shoot with her and an interview with her. It's a man's magazine. Not like page three, man's magazine. More like about sport, about fashion. It's a nice magazine. And he saw me on this page. And he asked one of his friends in Copenhagen, do you know this girl?

Who is she? And he's like, yeah, I know of her because we had some friends in common. He was like, you need to hook me up. Like, I need to meet her. And I was in Milan at this time. So my his friend wrote me, hi, are you coming to Copenhagen? I'm hosting a dinner,

want to invite you, trying to like put us together. the friend but then Anders took his own creativity yeah you say in English yes his own yeah creativity and he's like he wrote me I'm gonna end up marrying you that was the first message are you serious I swear out the gate out the gate that's that's strong that's so strong I'm not mad at that he married me though he did marry me so he dropped you on Facebook on Facebook he even said this on his speech at our wedding. My first message to her was, I'm going to marry you. And he did. Wow. You know, can I say, I respect that? Now, I think some people would say that's wild.

No, I love that. I love a man's man. Yes. A man who's a man, you know. I will say something similar, and I've never talked about this, something similar with my wife. No way. When you know, you know. I saw her in my mind, I said to myself, no matter how long it takes, I am going to be with her. Not for a night. Like, I'm going to be with her until eternity. Yeah, I was like, this is it. And if it takes me five years, ten years, this is it.

So I'm not mad at it. He just went, yeah, he went straight. But it is funny that you do feel that connection. Yes. Yeah. Yes. And I don't know, I can't describe it. No, it's just a feeling. Yes. Yeah. Yes.

Yeah. So when you get this message, what are you thinking? I was just blown away. I think because he was so blunt and like honest. And he didn't like try to like go around it. I respected it. And I was like, wow. Okay. sitting in my apartment in Milan. Like, oh my God, someone wants to marry me. But what do you do, though? Because, I mean, you must have gone to check out his Facebook, though.

Yeah. Yeah. So he's a really attractive guy. Gorgeous guy, blonde, tall, you know, good looking. And he, and we started talking and we became friends. and, you know, because I was in one country, he was in another country, and we just kind of start talking as friends, kind of feeling that lonely void for each other.

And then we met. I had a job in Copenhagen, and he flew in for the day just to take me out for dinner. Okay. And we never left each other since. That was it. That was it. That was it.

When you think about that, was that the first, first long-term relationship that you had been in. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And I was, like, young also, you know, like, it was my first long relationship, yeah. Yeah. And you were held?

23. Yeah, 23. Yeah, 23. Yeah. How does it feel to be in a relationship at 23, right? but to automatically feel seen, you know, by someone where you had not felt seen previously. Yeah, that's where we go back to that, right? Yes.

With Anders, what was what I felt with him, I felt really safe. He had some really way about him that made me feel very safe. very safe. And he saw me and he saw me in a different way. It just felt really good to be around him. Yes. How quickly were you two engaged and then married? Everything went really fast. So I was in Milan. He flew back to Manchester and he said, I think we were talking every single day on the phone. And he was like, you have to come. here, come visit me here. And I was like, yeah, okay, we made the time. And then I flew to Manchester. And then he said, I don't see why you have to go and do all these castings, you know,

because I kind of told him what my life was. And that I was like tired and, you know, there's been some situations this happened. And he was like, so you're not leaving until they book you for a job. because I don't feel comfortable you doing, going on these. Oh, wow. See, you had already told him that you felt uncomfortable. Yeah. So, because we spoke all the time on the phones. I would go to work or go to a casting.

I'd be like, oh, here we go again. These guys try and talk to me again. Oh, there's an email or, you know, whatever. Really? And I would tell him about everything. And then he was like, I just don't feel. that you should go anywhere but to like be with me. Wow, because he's looking at your safety.

Yeah. He's playing football at the time? Yeah. Okay. For Manchester United. Manchester United. Yeah. Okay.

And he was the goalkeeper. Yeah. He was the playing with De Geia at the same years. Yeah. Okay. So at this time, I would imagine he's making decent income. Yeah. So his point was, look, I'll take care.

I'll literally take care of it. Yeah. So what did you then do? Did you then stop modeling? No, so I still kind of, I was still a model. And if I got like direct bookings, then I would, like my agency, Denmark will fly me out. And then obviously when I started dating him, no one in England knew who I was. So then everyone in England was like, who's Andrew's new girlfriend?

So then I start gaining publicity in England. Okay. Of like, who's this new football girlfriend? And then obviously the English model agencies was like, who is this girl? And why don't we have her here? So then I start signing with like agencies here. Okay, okay. Now, how did you find the press here?

I, you know, there's a stigma sometimes that comes with the girlfriend of a professional footballer. Yeah, definitely. So, so how did you find that reception? What did it feel like to you? I mean, it was new to me, you know, like, because I was never a famous girl. You know, I was doing my job as a model, but I was in a famous model. You know, I wasn't like on the cover of magazines.

I was more like the hot girl. Then I became famous for being Anders' wife, well, girlfriend, and then we got married. And we obviously was living together very fast because he also didn't know anyone here because he just has moved here. And, you know, every event we had, everything, it always became like who is Anders. girlfriend. I mean, we had a beautiful life together. Like, we really did have an amazing life. And we, he proposed to me when I was pregnant with my son, with our son. And he asked me to marry him. And we got married and Maricious. Okay. All right. Not bad. Not bad. And it seems like it's a whirlwind.

So from the time you met him to you're pregnant and married, it was how long? Very short. Yeah. Yeah. I think we got pregnant the first, like, within a year. Okay. And then we, he asked to marry me while I was pregnant. So that was like the same kind of year.

And then we had the wedding, I think after, Julian was around six months. And then we separated. Okay. So, so now, before you separate, though, is this, you. You joined the Real Housewives of Cheshire. Yeah. Okay. All right.

That yeah was like, Paul don't bring that up. Yeah, exactly. No, it's okay. Yeah. Okay. When they reach out to you, what do you think? I mean, is it something that you're excited about or reluctant? I was, to be honest with you, I was, I mean, I lived in a, I had a beautiful life with Anders and, you know, we loved each other very much.

And he was never at home. You know, he was always away. He was having games away. And many times he felt like I was a single mom. And then when this show come, I was like, well, maybe this will make me a little bit busy. And we could fill a void. And we get busy as a family and we do something together. because they wanted the whole family.

So Andrews was also in it. Okay. Yeah. And I was like, maybe this makes us get busy together and, you know, we show our lives and maybe it'd be fun. Because I remember the shows from America, like the housewives of Beverly Hills.

And I was like, maybe it's probably like that and it's fun and it's nice to watch. Yes. So. Can I say this? So I went, in this research, I went and I watched some clips of you in the Real Housewives of Cheshire. I look different, right?

I mean, I think you look pretty much the same. Yeah, you look very close. But I'll tell you what stood out to me the most. What stood out to me the most is you seem to be very reserved. Yeah, because I was insecure. Okay, okay. Almost as if it was... Everything was a problem.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So this is who, this is who I was. Like, I was always in a sort of like paranoid or like, I wasn't at ease. Yes, yes, I agree. It didn't look like it was easy for you. No, it wasn't easy because I wasn't at ease in myself at that time.

Okay. Now, why so, though? Because they approached you. And at first, so my, from everything I already know about you, I would have guessed you would have denied them. However, when you said, you know, I was alone for most of the time. Yeah, I was open. I understand. You wanted some activity, almost gain, gain some purpose, right?

Yeah, yeah. So here's a project. It forces your husband to be on the project. Yeah. I get it. Yeah. Right? Yeah.

However, how did, when did. to go from, you're excited, you think it's going to be of value and easy, and then you find out it's actually not. I actually think that the show was a bit of the riff of our family. Like, I think that kind of also ruined something in our marriage, to be honest with you. I've never said this before out loud. But I do think that the show did ruin our family. And, And, you know, I hold accountable and he holds accountable. We both hold accountable. But I think because we were on the show and I wasn't feeling really well and he was not

feeling really well and then we were in this public eye and I had to express what was going on in my household on the show. And obviously that's not fair either on him. and we just came to agreement that it was best that we separated. And that's what we did. And, you know, he's a great man and we are very close. And I'm very close to his wife. We really get on now.

Obviously, we haven't always got on, but we build a beautiful relationship. Yeah. You know, these shows can be the best of a career, but the worst of a career. Yeah. And I just distinctly remember, so the first project I ever did, television project, was in 2010. Oh. And on the back of that project, the production company offered both my wife and I a tag-along, a follow-on show. Yeah.

where it would just be our family. Yeah. At that time, our first child was born, boy. Yeah, because he was, is great TV, right? It's great TV. Yeah. You have this new family. Exactly.

And my wife distinctly sat me down and said, this will be the demise of our relationship. Wow. She protected you. If we do the show. But I didn't see it. No, because you don't see it then. Yeah. Because when you're in, especially in our industry, when you're in the,

media and, you know, with our jobs, like you're modeling, film role, whatever, you're just used to cameras being there. But then someone like Anders, obviously, he's also used to cameras, but he just wanted to play football. Right. So for him, it didn't make a difference for him. He just wanted me to be happy. So he was like, Missy, if he makes you happy, you know, I don't need this. But if this makes you happy, I'll do it for you. But I don't agree with it. And he did tell me. He didn't agree with it.

And then once we started filming, I was like, I felt that I started to change also towards him. And it's almost like my old life was back. You know? Like, I was like, oh, yeah, you're working. Well, I'm working too. So I was the old messy again. I see it. I see it.

But what about that project felt uneasy? for you. Where did the challenge come for you? I think what was hard with filming was because I knew what was going on at home, but I wasn't fully exposing it on the show. And a lot of the time when we film, they film ahead. So we filmed six months prior, and I've already moved out of the house. And, you know, a lot was happening. and me and Anders was no longer together and my show was showing on TV as if like I was still in a relationship

and we wasn't so that was really challenging for me when we separated and obviously with my son it was hard to do because we did one week one week one week one week yes

great dad amazing dad and we did one week, one week. And then obviously after we separated, he started playing less and less and less. And, you know, he's retired now. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

That whole period, when you think back, do you regret doing the Real Housewives of Tischer? I just, I never regret anything in my life. It's crazy I say that. but I think everything that's happened in my life has led me to who I am today. And I think that's why I don't regret anything in my life because everything happens for reason. Because if I regretted Anders, I would never have my daughter. Yeah, that's a great point. I would never have met Jake.

I would never know what unconditional love means. What me and Jake had was unconditional love. Maybe we was in together and we was in the match for each other, but we had a fire that no one can take us away. Yeah. We were like magnetic. Can we talk about Jake? Yeah. Because, and also, if you can clarify something, because you just said that you faced a lot of judgment.

Yeah. And one of the, you know, one of the accusations is, okay, she left and. for Jake. Yeah. Right. And maybe that comes because of how quickly. It went. It went very quick. It went. But if you can clarify what happened. When did you meet Jake? When did all those events happen? I mean, me and Jake met very, I think this is just how my person, can you see the trades? Absolutely. Yeah. Absolutely. Yeah, I was going to say, yeah, absolutely. Yeah, do you see them? Like, I'm very, like, all in or nothing. And that's kind of just how I am, you know, either I'm fully in or I'm fully out.

I'm never in the gray area. I'm not like, I'm, I'm just, I don't know. This is just how I'm built. I'm not in this gray area. I'm like, okay, are we together? And are we jumping in this? And we're in love. And that's me done.

Are we together? Are we in love? All right. If not, no. Yeah. Like, I need passion. I need fire. I need, you know, and I feel with Andrews and with Jake, I've had that.

So then when did you meet Jake? How soon after your separation did you meet Jake? And how did you two meet? Me and him, we come across each other on social media. Okay. And then he had friends in Manchester, Jake. Okay. So he was visiting them, and then we would kind of show up in the same restaurant.

We're like, what? Hello? And this is how he started. It was very, like, organic. Okay. Yeah. And when you saw Jake for the first time in person, did that fire set in? Yeah.

You knew right away. Yeah, he was a beautiful man. You know, he was very attractive, very fun. and he, yeah, he was very electric. Yes. Yeah. Yes. And so, and I'm sure he felt the same towards you.

Yeah. At what point, though, does he make it clear to you that he's into you? Very, look, fairly quick, yeah. Okay. Fairly quick. Okay. I think it was instant. Again, we were inseparable.

So we started talking and we never stopped talking. Now Jake at that time he was on Tawi, right? Yeah. The only way is Essex. So he told me he's left it. Oh. Yeah. Okay.

But he was still on it. I think he was still on it. He was old filmed before, but I don't know. I never watched it. Because I understand that he was on somewhere in the nose maybe for 10 years. Yeah, a long time. A long time. Yeah.

And has he already launched his clothing brand? because that's really when he came on my radar. Yeah, I think so. 2012. 12. He found a preview. Okay, yeah. So he had preview then, yeah.

He did have preview. Okay. Yeah. So he found it in 2012. And what was interesting, too, is I didn't realize that he sold it to J.D. Sports. Yeah, but that was recently he sold it to J.D. sports. Yeah. So he'd been building it up the whole way.

So you saw the buildup and it became quite popular. Yeah. It was everywhere. Everywhere. Yeah. Everyone loved it. You know, it was an amazing brand and he had so much to give. Like he could see things that no one could see.

You know, this is, Jake was like that. He had this magic about him that he was just trouble how to articulate himself. And this was he's a big downfall. for him, if I can say that. It was like he had the magic and the, he connected everyone. He was actually one of the most intelligent man I've ever been with and got to know in my life. And it's just his frustration to express it, you know, that sometimes he couldn't quite get across, but if you knew him, you would know what he means.

Okay. You know? Okay. But you'd have to know him to know him. You have to know him, yeah. Because he couldn't sometimes get his, he had so much in his head. He had so many ideas, so many things he wanted to do. So sometimes he just got a bit too, too much for him.

Okay. All right. I see. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. All right.

So then how quickly after you started seeing Jake did you then give birth to River? Probably a year and a half after. Okay. Yeah. Okay. So when you found out that you were pregnant. Yeah. Right.

What were you thinking? I was, my first thought was like, okay, this is too quick. and I was like, we don't know each other that, you know, we've not been together that long and I call my family, I've just, you know, not long been separated. I have, you know, my son and there's a lot because we were doing like one week, Manchester, one week London, so there was a lot of traveling. And Jake was like, no, we're having this. He was insisting to keep her.

Wow. And I was like, I called his mom and I was like, we're pregnant. And I didn't know how people's going to react. And everyone was like, oh, my God, that's amazing. I'm so happy. And, you know, we had everyone's support. And, you know, thank God for that. Yes, yes.

So you had... So you see everything happens for a reason. Yeah, look at that. Look at that. And your family, your family support as well. Yeah. Yeah. So you have River, right?

Now, you were dating, but now you're not, I mean, you're in a committed relationship. I should say date, you're dating. Yeah, we were committed by then. You're committed. Yeah, yeah. I always like to bring up the marriage question because sometimes people say marriage is irrelevant, but here you were previously married. Was that a discussion for the two of you, marriage? No

he did propose twice Yeah he did Yeah, he did Yeah And what did you said no I said yes He proposed to me weirdly in Mauritius

Okay I got married in Mauritius He didn't know Oh okay And then we went to the beach And this is like violinist How you say

Yes violinist And he was playing And I was like Oh my God That's so beautiful. So I stopped running. I'm still not understanding. It's for me. I was like, oh my God, that's so beautiful. So I grabbed my phone to go and like film it. And he's just looking at me like,

because I'm really like that. I like I really appreciate some more small things. And he's laughing because he's like, obviously it's for her. But she's not understanding it. And then we, I run off. And then he's coming like on the other side. And there was a whole beautiful like you watch. to the beach and they put this like hut up with candles and like everything. And then above that, he says a sign, would you marry me? So I'm, I was like, oh my God, you've done all of this for me? And it was like really cute. He's like, yes, baby, I love you.

And then we're sitting down and he's looking at me and I'm looking at him. I'm thinking, oh my God, I love this. But he's thinking, can she see the sign? He says, would you marry me on the sand? but I'm not seeing it. And he's trying to figure out like, what's wrong with her? You're ruining this poor man surprise, yes. And I'm really clumsy.

I'm like, I really didn't see it. He looked at me. He gave me like a different look. And I was like, oh my God, he's going to do it. He'd just done this in his hand. I was like, I just knew instantly he's going to propose. And then he proposed to me. Okay.

So then two of you become engaged. But now you two don't end up marrying each other. No. So what are the circumstances that led you think to you two eventually breaking up? I never thought we're actually going to break up because we were very, very much in love. And like everyone around us knew, like it was some crazy love we had. you know, it was really high and really low. We had a very, we had some really good moments, but we also had some very dark moments together. And I think just like from my experience of

life, grown up, childhood, everything coming into one and he's experiencing his life. And I think like he was fire with fire, you know. And I think there was, you know, a lot of times that things were said and done that purposely wasn't meant to be said and done. And, you know, we were both growing and dealing, and dealing, we were dealing with our own things too at the same time. So for me, you know, he would, he was. a big love of my life and, you know, he will forever be and we share River together and

yeah. Yeah. You know, one thing that he had acknowledged was struggling with mental health. And what I would love if you are open to talking about is that clearly you've mentioned you were struggling with your own, your own self. You haven't said you're struggling with your mental health, but you were finding yourself. Yeah. Right.

But when you have a partner who's struggling with mental health. Yeah. It's hard. It's incredibly hard. How do you manage that? Because there will be many people watching our conversation right now who will have a partner struggling with their mental health. Yeah.

wondering what they can do to help. I think you should always go with your gut instinct. And, you know, you should follow your gut instinct. And a lot of times they don't tell you the truth. You know, they withhold a lot of what they go through, what they feel, and maybe comes out other ways. and because I believe all a man wants is to give his family everything. That's a man's role, right?

And I believe that's, if I know Jake, right, I think that's all he ever wanted was us to have everything. And as a partner, you know, sometimes I, it was really hard and you just feel like you can't help them and you just want to help them. and you in this constant fight of am I doing the right decision, am I not, what can I do to be there more? And then sometimes it just gets really bad and you just have to, you know, I've also been toxic where I'm like not maybe been the nicest because I had to pull, like, I had to put boundaries. And is that haunting me now?

Yes. Because I'm like, it is haunting me now. I'm going to be honest with you. That I'm like, would this have ever happened if I didn't leave? Like, could I have stopped this to happen? Because when you ask yourself, if I would have made a different decision, would the outcome, would this outcome have been different? Yeah.

That's the first stage. typically that we land in when it comes to grief, and that's the bargaining. It's called bargaining. Have you heard about this? Yeah. Where you begin to second guess your own decisions. You know.

And wonder, will that have, or would that have impacted the outcome? Yeah. Yeah. Sorry. No, no. You don't have to apologize. Definitely don't have to apologize.

So this is something that obviously you think about. is different decisions, different boundaries. I know that you and Jake had split up and you were living in the UK, right? Was he still in, then he was in Spain? Yeah, so we moved to Spain together. Okay. And we lived in Spain for a year and a half.

like he was coming and going, but me and River was there full time for a year and a half. And then things just wasn't working out. And, you know, I had to exit their relationship. And then I've moved back to London with the River full time. Okay, I see. I see. So you were here and he was in Spain.

Yeah, so he grew up there. He grew up in Mallorca and, you know, he introduced me to Majorca because I'd never been there before. And we did all our summer holidays there, our winter holidays, and really found up with it. And he loves it. It's like his second home, you know, is his childhood. It's home there for him and that's his happy place.

Okay. And he always goes there and wants to spend time there. and yeah. Okay. So you came back here and you're back here. You have two children. Yeah. And now you are working.

Yeah. And then I would imagine that at a certain point, this is when ladies of London, you know, comes about. Yeah, exactly. Can I say my wife is a fan of yours? No way. She is. And you know what?

She tells me about you. Because she was telling me about you. Oh, really? Oh, yeah. I didn't have to do any research. I just had to sit down and talk to my wife. What did she say? She was like, well, let me tell you.

No, no, she didn't say that. She said that you have a very calm demeanor. Oh. And it is your calmness and how you are sweet, you know. And that wins people over. Thank you. And so, and what she told me, but you tell me, if this is correct, is that it appeared as if when this show came about, this is a reboot. Yeah, exactly, yeah.

So, Ladies of London, the New Rain. Yeah, because he used to be Ladies of London in the past, where we're a complete different cast now. Okay. Yeah. And so initially, did you get along with the cast members initially? I mean, we know one of them. We started very bad. Yeah. So who? How? How? Yeah. It didn't start great. But you ended up. You ended up. Yeah. So how would you describe? We did have two million views on our first episode.

Oh, yeah. No, no, no. This is popular in the in the states as well, right? Yeah. Yeah. So how would you? I think it's more popular in the states, right, than here. Yeah. I think so. Yeah. So how would you describe this show and who's on it and what's the show about? It's very, I mean, I absolutely love the show. He's very authentic to all of us and our lives and is not like so full on drama, drama, all the time. And it's very much about our lives and our friendships, our families, our stories.

and I think every story is very authentic and we're not like showing up to be like, our lives are perfect, we live in this gorgeous mansion and which normally you'd have in these kind of shows, right? Like, if you look at the housewives, they're all driving, the best cars, the best houses. And like a lot of us are kind of at our age, but we're showing that we're rebuilding our lives.

And, you know, you can have everything, that you can have nothing, that you can have everything again. It's a way of life, huh? Like, it comes and it goes sometimes. Yes. And this is where we, why I love the show so much because it shows our authenticity around the real, real life.

So it seems as if you all genuinely like each other. Yeah, we do. Yeah. Yeah. Which I think is kind of rare for a cast that large. But, yeah, most of us, yeah. Okay, okay. That's enough said, enough said, yeah.

No. Yeah. Fair enough. So it was Kimmy who initially, you all had a little thing. Yeah, but then I was like, that's my girl. Like, I could really gone on to war with her, but I knew she didn't know me, you know, because I was listening to her, speak to other people. And I was like, I really like her.

And like, we will be good friends. So, but she didn't know me. So she just thought, oh, this pretty girl coming into the show, think she's going to be a victim now talking about her brother, get airtime. You know, that's what she thought. Right. Because she doesn't know me.

Right. So I was like, oh, my God, I know what she's going to think. I know why she's done what she's done. You know, and I'm very, like, forgiven person. and I kind of understand another person. I'm actually not judgmental. I can be a little bit, but I'm very not a judgmental person.

And this is about social media. Like, I look so angry and, like, bitchy on my social media. You think so? Yeah, don't you think so? No, I don't. Or maybe it's changed. Okay. But why do you think that?

That you look angry at your social media? I think because not angry, but more like, I don't think, Because I never post videos of myself on Instagram. So I don't think a lot of people knows me as me. They just think, like, oh, yeah, this girl pictures. Oh, she does. Like, she's self-obsessed with herself.

And they don't actually understand that I'm, like, quite clumsy and funny. And, you know, like, take the piss out of myself and love my family and friends. and, you know, they don't actually know that. Yes. But I think this is something that people would be surprised at because here you are a model. That is your profession, right? You're a model, your entire career.

But that's my job, you know? It's like, it's like you show up to work. I don't think like, oh my God, my model, I'm so pretty. I'm pretty than every other girl. It doesn't work like that. Or not that you are. But that you would be comfortable enough. Because you're a model who has been on two reality television shows,

who also has been heavily photographed with her partners. So I think my gut would be, oh, wow. So it would be easy for her to whip out the phone. No. But no, it's not. I wouldn't know. And why is that? That's just me being insecure again.

Yeah. Yeah. Because this, can I say, this has been. the biggest surprise to me from meeting you. Although from doing the research, I would have guessed it because I see the patterns. But now my interpretation is someone who's lived her life, unsure and uncomfortable in who she was until now. Yeah.

And that is one of the biggest reasons why we didn't see that in the past. No. Yeah. Yeah. Hey there. I just want to say thank you for choosing. we need to talk. Doing this podcast is one of the greatest joys of my life. And I want to continue to share it with you. So hit follow and the bell icon. It takes just a second and it helps

us to continue to grow this podcast. If we can, as much as you're open to talking about it is Jake's passing. Yeah. I choked up earlier when we talked about that. We'll take our time through it and only as much as you'd like to say. So where were you when you found out that Jake had passed? In Majorca, which is so insane. So I got booked for a job in Ibiza. I'm shooting a cover for a magazine. Honestly, I've never lost my pass for it ever in like 40 years.

What do I keep saying I'm 40? I'm not 40 yet. That's right. In 39 years. In 39 years, I've never lost my passport. Anyway, the flight was booked. We were at the airport. I went to the police there and they helped me to get this paper.

But because I'm Swedish, I am now with England, EU, citizenship, all this stuff, you can't actually fly in with a police saying that it's okay. You need it from the actual government. So they were like, I could fly anywhere in Europe, but England. And then they were like, you, and now I'm panicking because I was picking river up from school. Oh, my goodness. That day. That day.

Because if we had an early flight back, because I was going to have river. And Jake's parents had river. And then I called them, and it was still very early because I think my flight was like seven in the morning. And they was going to drop her to school. And I called them. I was like, can you have her? And they were like, you know what, we just keep her. So don't stress.

We have her for another two days. Anyway, so I had to fly. The police in Ibiza said, you have to fly to Marjorka to go to the Swedish embassy because they didn't have them in Ibiza. Otherwise, I couldn't fly into England. Okay. And so I flew into Mallorca and then. I woke up in the morning, I think it was like eight in the morning, and I had like 10 miscalls.

And I was like, obviously it was the dad. So I'm thinking something's happened to River. So my heart dropped. I was like, why they called me this late? And I was like, hi, you've called me like, is everything okay? And the dad was like, no. I was like, it's River okay? And he was like, it's not River, it's Jake.

And the way he said Jake's name, I was like, he's in a hospital, he's in jail. Like, last thought for me was that he was gone. Right. And I was like, yes, what, Jake? And he was like, he's dead. I mean, I went into total panic mode. Like, first thing I did was I blamed everything on myself.

I just went on, like, everything was I thought of Riva. I was like, no, no, she doesn't deserve this pain. Like, like Riva can deserve this pain. You know, she's gone through a lot in her life and I'm not doing this to her. and I just wanted to like protect her and I was like no how there was everything came to my head in that split second and his family and his mom and his dad and his brother you know because I've sat in their side you know I lost a brother so I was in pain from so many angles because he has such a beautiful family you know Jake's mom and and dad and brother, they are insanely beautiful people. And I was in so much pain for them. And for Riva, their relationship was,

you never seen anything like that ever. Like their love was insanity. So I didn't even realize that he was in Majorca. And I was in Majorca. I was like, what do I do here? Because I wasn't supposed to be in my yorka, but I kind of ended up in my yorka. So the night he died, I was there.

Like, I was there. And I was like, it's just like, I don't know. That is surreal to know that you were there. I did not know. I was there. I didn't know. Like, I wish he called. me or like I wish he just gave me call to be like whatever like I need you like come

help me I just wish he just called me just I just wish he did something but he didn't know I was there either no no he didn't know I was there you know he didn't know I was there you know when I think about his that day for him. What stands out to me is something that he had posted on Instagram that day. So hours before he died, he posted on Instagram, remember the good things. Yeah. I'm sure you've thought about that message countless times. What does that mean to you? I think Jake just wanted to be remembered for everything good that he's done, you know, and to be remembered to be an amazing father and how much he loved people and how much he connected people and how much he worked so hard and he really tried so hard to fight this voice that was

always talking over him. And I know, like, all I can think about is he's at peace now. He's resting, you know, and I just wish it never happened. I don't think I can ever get over it. It just hurts so bad to lose him. I think when you lose someone so close, Yeah. What I've been reminded of countless times is that what is going to happen is every day

through moments like this, through looking at River's smile. I know, but it just hurts me to see her hurt. Like, it's like, it's like hurts me more, you know, like, like, I'm hurt, but her hurt, is really hurts, you know? Like, it's a different kind of hurt. Because, like, seeing her in pain pains me. And obviously, it pains everyone because the support we've had, I have never seen anything like that in my entire life.

Like, the support river and the family and we've had is, I couldn't describe how much that means to us, like, how much support that gives us and hope. Yes. And it just feels like a big hug. And I just never had that in the past, you know. Yes, because of how supportive everyone has been. Yeah. And I feel like I know no one is perfect.

But I just feel like it's so raw for me now to like, I'm using my tools and, you know, like, is with grief. It just hits you. Yes. I can't control it. Like some days is very bad and some diet days is like, I'm fine, you know, I'm good now, I'm good. Yes. And then some days I'm like, I actually just need to lay in bed for like four days and not see anyone.

But then you're a mom and she needs me and I need to be there for her too. and it's quite healing for me to be around his family. Okay. And like his childhood friends is very healing for me and healing for them to be with me and us together because that's what we used to be together before. And I think it's healing something in all of us to just be together.

And it's making us reflect on choices we make in life. when you lose someone so suddenly, you just say thanks to God. And you start being like rethinking your decisions in life. And like gratitude is like number one. And you're like, I'm so thankful. My kids are healthy. And I'm so thankful. My mom is alive.

And my dad and my sister. And, you know, you start really like seeing people. times 10, even though I see them, but something really changes and life is so short. Yes, I think that's what changes. Yeah, life is so short, you know. 35 years had his whole life in front of him and he's just gone and he's breaking my heart because I know he had so much to give. To give, yes.

And he was so loved. And when was the last time he spoke? with him. Like two days before, a day before maybe. Okay. Yeah. Yeah, because we, he had a river every second weekend and we share our holidays. But, you know, he'd be on FaceTime all the time and we'd speak and, you know.

Yeah. No. I know that the funeral was, was. just about a week ago. Yeah. And it was a true celebration. Yeah, that's what he would want. Of his life.

He feels like I want to be happy about him. Like, I know I'm hurting and I'm crying and that's okay. But I also feel like it makes me laugh sometimes because I'm like, you fucking prick. You know, like what have you done? And it's like it just you go through those like happy. low, happy, low, happy, and I'm going through a lot of emotions, but I want to be happy when I speak about him because I know that's what he would want me to do and he was the one who

was supporting me through my grief with my brother. So, so I remember what he used to tell me to, to do. Probably looks like crazy right now. It's my makeup. You know it. You look very potent. You know it. You look incredibly human to me. You know what I mean? You look like you're going through a lot.

And the beauty is you're going through it. You're going through it. And to your point of you get hit with this emotion, I feel like what grief does is it hits you like a wave. Yeah. It's intense and then the wave goes down. And then it's intense. and it goes down.

And my commitment to you is that over time, I think the waves will continue, but they won't be as intense. No. But for me, because when I lost my brother, he was there for me, and he was with me when I lost him. And he used to always say, you know,

we used to listen to, for me, music is a big thing. Okay. I listened to a lot of music. And I know that that's what we did when we were grieving my brother together. Me and him, we were putting music on and crying together. So when my best friend passed, I didn't want to tell anyone this. I was so mad at him. Yeah.

And I was pissed off at him. And in my mind, I would curse him out. Yeah, I feel you. And I didn't want to tell anyone about it. No. Because I felt because he, you know, he had bad. I know, you feel bad, but I was angry. It's really natural to feel that.

And, and, oh, okay. Yeah. I felt like you could. Look at that, look at that. I tell you what, yeah, it was one of those where I was, yeah, I was so, so mad. And I'm still mad. But it comes from love. It comes from love.

Like the anger is not like, it's like, I love you so much. much and I'm so angry at you that you did that to us, that you've heard us this way. Like, the anger comes from a place of love. Like, what am I going to do with this love now? Like, where am I going to put all this love? Is love that, like, he's got nowhere to go with this love now? Right. Because they're gone.

So what are you going to do with it? And you get angry because you're like, it's not fair. Like, where's my daughter going to tour all her love for her dad? Yeah, she can put it on everyone else. And I know the whole world can be there for her. But no one is her dad. And that's what she says. She's like, but that.

I go, Mommy loves you. But yeah, but you're not that. Yeah, but you're not that. And I really feel that for her. Because, and that's where I get the, like, oh, why, you know. Yes. Yeah. And she goes, Mommy, why my dad?

I mean, I feel like unwell when I, when she, because she's honest with her feelings and it breaks me. How do you parent now? And I want to share a statistic with you that that really blew me away going into, into this research is so approximately one in 29 school-age children have lost a parent or sibling. Wow. Children who experience the loss of a parent are at increased risk for developing depression, anxiety, or PTSD. So to your point is you are holding it together for your daughter.

What lessons can you share? Because one out of 29, that's many of us. We all know we are either that person or we know someone. Yeah. What have you learned that you can share with us? I've learned that it's okay to cry in front of your children. Like, it's okay to be sad because I think it's healthy for the, because now it's me and River who's going to live this life together, right?

So she knows I love her dad and she's very sad about her dad. So it's okay for us to be sad and I don't have to be strong all the time in front of her. And I think it's healthy that she sees mommy sad and I see her sad and, you know, she comes up to me, she watches my eyes if they're watering or not. Oh, okay. Yeah, she comes really close to me. She's like, I'm like, I'm fine, baby. And then, you know, a little trigger and we both start crying.

So we're just kind of going through it together. And I think there's no right way and there's no wrong way. And I think there is so much help out there that you can get. Like, the government can give you therapy for free. They're school therapists. There is, you know, all these things you can do together and you can do drawings. You can remember them, you can talk about them, you can sing songs that they like.

And I think the most important thing is that you don't neglect it and you don't try to bury it because it's not healthy at all. And that's what I did with my brother. Honestly, I wasn't okay for a long time until I unpacked it. Okay. So this now, this time with Jake, I straight away unpacked it. and I'm really open with River and his family

and, you know, there's all just love. It's just love. Like, what do we have one thing in common is love? What do we all do? We all love Jake. So why don't we all just love each other? Why don't we all just share the beautiful memories of him? Why don't we all just forget the bullshit and the egos

and all the bad stuff that's happened? And, you know, no one is perfect. and that's one thing we all have in common is love. What are, what's your happiest memory? With him. Yes. Oh, we have so many happy memories. I love when he sings in the car.

He used to like really get into character in the car. And he used to think he was like some really big singer. I think deep. He thought he was. I like how you shaded it right there. He thought he was. In the back of his mind, he really thought he could be a huge singer. Like somehow he thought like I'm going to be like a big singer.

Yeah, okay. And because he just had that like, you know, that character. And we've had some crazy memories. You know, we traveled the world together. We've worked together. We had a child together. We lived together. We've done a big life together.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I love it. We had a big life together. I love it. What's something that perhaps she doesn't know? that you want River to know about her dad.

I mean, she knows everything about her dad because her and her dad was like, I mean, unseparable. They just share such a beautiful bond together. Like, even though me and Jake would be like, not this week, mate, not this week, you know, even look at me and, like, each other's throats at time. but when he came to River, you know, I mean, it was the most beautiful thing you've ever seen. He loved that kid so much.

Yeah. Is there anything that you want to address, clarify around any of the pressure, judgment, articles that have been written that you want to just lay to bed, lay to rest? about Jake or about the circumstances or anything I think like it is what it is

it was an accident you know like he obviously like we all know the same thing like it was an accident that's for sure like he would never have left river

yeah that's for sure yeah yeah yeah I think that's well said just just that a look that's well set if you look at his

social media people say oh social media is sometimes just the image that we want to project. But when you look at the images, I think, of River and him. And him. You can see how she doted on him. Yeah, she loved him.

You know? And if it's okay, there's a photo of the two of them. Oh, yeah, of course. Yeah. That I think really depicts this. Oh, yeah. I love that. That was when we're living in Spain.

That's in Spain there? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. She, I mean, yeah. Oh, maybe. Yeah.

She loved him so much. I mean, she loves him. He was like, I don't know. It's like his first love with his child. Yeah. It's a special bond, a girl and a dad. Like, they had a very beautiful relationship. It was, I mean, my heart breaks for her so bad.

You don't understand. I'll hold on to that one. Yeah. And so if I can ask about you, when you think about what you've lived through, and we have mentioned nothing just happens, talked about that. What do you believe the next chapter of your life looks like? in particular as a result of everything that you have lived through. So what is that next chapter? What do you hope for it to look like?

I just want to grow, you know, keep growing, keep learning, keep helping. I want to use this as a strength as knowing my brother and him. they're like, Missy, stop being lazy, get your ass up. Like, I know that there's two of them now, and they were the only two who was like, get the fuck up. So I know that one thing they would want for me is to like get up and like get things going. And so from my perspective, I feel this responsibility of River now, you know. of course, always she has been a responsibility, but there's a big difference when a dad is in the

picture or not. And losing that person, it's like, I know that I have to, and I'm not, and I'm not trying to rush myself, but of course, in the back of my mind, like, I do think ahead of life also, like my five-year plan, 10-year plan, and I really just want to, like, work and, you know, give River a beautiful life. But so do you. Oh, thank you. That's going to make me cry.

You do. You do. You've been through... I just feel all I've done is cry on this podcast. No. I'm so sorry. I just keep crying. No, no.

Don't apologize for this. because you've gone through more than many people will ever go through. And you're still here. Yeah. And you're a great mother. Thank you. To two beautiful children. I know because I have the photo right here.

We do. Oh. You know what I mean? So I know. Here's the proof. Yeah. It's my baby. There's your babies right there.

I love them. There's the proof, you know. They're just so perfect. Yes. I'm so blessed to have them. You don't understand. Like, they're just so amazing. Like, we've just been to Sweden now for like 10 days.

And honestly, I was sleeping and my son knows, you know, what we're going through. He was also very sad because he grew up with Jake. And he was like making me coffee. coming into bed with coffee. Well, look at that. Gentleman. He's a gentleman. He's like, Mom, don't do anything, okay?

And him and River went in the kitchen. I was like listening. They were like making eggs, like whisking the eggs. He's like, River, put the bread on the toaster, yeah? Put the bread on the toaster. Then he'd come out with like bread and scrambled eggs and coffee. So I was like, have you made the scrambled eggs yourself? They're like, yeah.

They don't taste. really nice. Yes. It's amazing what kids do, right? Like how much they change your life. And isn't it amazing, too, how resilient they are as well? I know, yeah. I mean, Manchester United Top there.

I see it. That's why you're going to have to give it back. I'm going to have to tuck this away. All right, although that's a good team. You just want us to wear that. That's right. You probably get him a T-shirt. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. I should get them both, River, too. Yeah. Yeah. I have, I've really loved hearing your journey. And I feel like I've, I've walked on the journey with you. And all the questions that I had in doing the research about you, you've answered and you've given more on top of it. And I think I'm most excited about this next phase of your life. Because I think you can argue that you've never been more in love with who you are than, than, than, you're most excited about this next phase of your life. because I think you can argue that you've never been more in love with who you are than today. Can I give you the final question? Yes.

This is the question everybody gets. And that is you have had some incredible conversations in your life. When you think about the one that stands out the most, so the one that gave you the greatest lesson, who was it with? And what did you learn? I think he's with my mom. To be honest, like, she just was like, stop blaming yourself for everything. Like, she really gave me like a bit of a tough love.

She was like, enough is enough. Like, just again, like think about yourself. If you can't function, your daughter can function, you're, you know. And I know there's a lot of time we think like you being. selfish to think about yourself and put yourself first, but actually, if you don't do that, nothing else around you functions. So what I would advise people, like, from my perspective, is put yourself first. And it doesn't mean you don't love your husband, you don't love your children. It means, like, if you, you are, if you are your best self, it means everyone around you

is also happier. Because if you just give to everyone and you're like, oh, I'm lacking, I'm so unhappy, I hate my life. Everyone else hate their lives too. Yes. So it's like a mirror. You're mirroring who you are.

So if you become like grateful and happy and prioritize yourself, your well-being and your mind and your head and you listen to people you really trust, and good people that got your back, I think the whole dynamic will change in your life

and you're not a victim for it. You're the perfect example. You're the poster job for that. Yeah. Yeah. Well, well said. Thank you so much for joining us. Missy. Perhaps the first person we've talked to

who is so deeply sitting with such recent grief. Grief never leaves you. I think that we as in a society, we have to do a better job in normalizing death. So we have to figure out how do we prevent those things, depression, from setting in PTSD. And part of how we do that, I think, is by normalizing death, by talking about it more, by accepting grief rather than trying to treat it as. a fixable thing in our life. When you look at UK culture,

you look at US culture, but UK in particular, there is a very conservative view around death to the point where the default is just don't talk about it. Perhaps the idea is, I don't want to have to relive the pain, so therefore let's not bring the person's name up, Let's not relive what happened.

Let's not discuss it at all. But Missy is doing, I think, a great job in demonstrating the importance of having these discussions because ultimately it allows you to reach a point where you can then bring the person's name up and smile. You can then talk about the experiences you've had good, bad, and indifferent and still appreciate that. time. Missy is demonstrating how to deal with grief in a healthy way. I met Orlando when I became a Victoria Secret Angel. We ended up dating and that's when a lot of like the paparazzi came into my life and there's a picture of me. I'm no you're not. I am. I don't believe it. I was like are Miranda Kirk. You are a supermodel of the modern era. When

And I was 13 and I won the Dolly magazine model of the year competition. I felt like it was a fluke. I've had so much rejection, people would only see the success that I've had. And typically it is the fame and or the fortune that leads to some type of demise. How did modeling shape your thoughts? It happened so suddenly that it was hard for me to understand, but my whole world just stopped. My first boyfriend was in a car accident and he died. instantly. Oh, it completely changed me to never ever take a day for granted. I've seen a

couple things. One is literally you went viral for... So, can we talk about that?