We Need To Talk with Paul C. Brunson - Relationship Expert: “Onlyfans Is DESTROYING Modern Dating!”, Why He Is Cheating! And “Trying Open Relationships, Means You CANT Trust Again”?! - Sadia Khan

Episode Date: September 24, 2024

We Need To Talk: In this thought-provoking episode, relationship expert and coach Sadia Khan openly shares her own perspectives on modern dating, masculinity, and the evolving nature of intimate relationships. Paul and Sadia dive deep into the impact of the sexual revolution, which Sadia believes has led to a decline in masculinity among men and an enhancement of masculinity in women.  They also examine how adult media platforms like Only Fans are eroding intimacy, while fuelling infidelity in modern relationships. Sadia shares her beliefs on the importance of being a 'high-value man’ and offers her perspective on whether non-monogamous relationships can truly work within the structures of marriage. By the end of this conversation, listeners can expect to gain a deeper understanding of the struggles in modern dating, the challenges young men face, and the reasons why many modern relationships are failing, all while exploring the conflict between traditional values and today’s evolving dating culture. Learn more about Sadia’s work here: https://g2ul0.app.link/SadiaKhan — 00:00 - Introduction 01:59 - The First Time You Felt Love 03:07 - Are You A Feminist Or Misogynist? Discover Your True Self 03:37 - Sadia's Journey Through Love And Relationships 05:18 - Why Infidelity Is A Major Fear In Relationships 08:37 - How The Sexual Revolution Transformed Modern Dating 11:10 - Defining Masculinity: What It Means Today 13:06 - Do Men Really Only Want Sex? 14:50 - Exploring Paul's Love Life And Intimacy 18:47 - How Feedback Can Strengthen A Marriage 21:19 - The Dangers Of Pornography On Relationships 23:36 - Are There Any Benefits To Watching Porn? 26:09 - Are Polyamorous Relationships Destroying Dating Norms? 27:20 - Is Marriage The Right Choice For Everyone? 32:42 - Is OnlyFans Changing The Face Of Modern Dating? 36:52 - Perspectives On OnlyFans: Empowerment Or Exploitation? 43:54 - What Is The Narcissistic Movement? A Deep Dive 45:11 - How Ethnicity Affects Your Dating Preferences 46:17 - Are Women Becoming More Narcissistic? 48:06 - Does Racial Preference In Dating Make You Racist? 49:59 - Colonialism's Impact On Modern Dating Preferences 50:49 - The Two Types Of Men According To Sadia 53:11 - Dating Advice For Single Men Looking For Love 55:12 - The Biggest Red Flags Men Should Avoid 58:12 - What Makes A Woman Truly Attractive? 01:03:01 - How Wellbeing Influences Partner Choices 01:07:26 - Why Men React Negatively To Attractive Women 01:07:53 - How Jealousy Affects Self-Worth In Relationships 01:10:12 - How Sadia Handles Negative Comments Online 01:12:01 - Paul's Biggest Takeaways From The Conversation — Tinder: https://tinder.com/en-GB Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Today's guest is Sadia Khan. She is trained in psychotherapy, advanced cognitive behavioral therapy, and psychoanalysis. She's dedicated her career to helping both individuals and couples around the world navigate the complexities of modern relationships. In today's conversation, we unpack the struggles of modern dating and take a deep dive into the challenges that people face when it comes to holding healthy relationships. We explore the evolving. nature of relationships and speak about the direct impact the sexual revolution has had on masculinity.

We discuss the challenges of modern dating, the effects pornography can have on relationships, and the rise of adult media platforms such as OnlyFans. I hope this episode brings you as much insight as I got from the conversation. Don't forget to stay around until the end where I'll give you my top five takeaways. Before we get into it, I want to ask you for a small favor. We want to make sure these impactful conversations get to as many people as possible. By subscribing to this channel, you help these conversations reach the people they need to. In return, if you're part of the first 20,000 subscribers, we're going to pick 10 of you to come down here to the We Need to Talk Studio to meet me, the guests, and let us know who you'd like to see on the show.

Thank you. I want to talk about you. My least favorite topic. Why is it your least favorite topic? I'm so uncomfortable with me talking about me personally, only because I feel like everything I say is kind of overly analyzed by like people on the internet and everything. So I almost feel a bit anxious about it. And I've always been quite good at keeping my personal life very, very personal.

But I think it's getting to the point where people are very much interested in stuff. So I would love to kind of open up a bit. Okay. Yeah. So let's talk about you as a little girl then. Okay. Right. And because it's uncomfortable, we won't go, go waiting. Please, please, please do, actually.

But if we can, you as a little girl, what was the first time that you knew love? Oh, what an amazing question. I would say the first time I knew love, weirdly, was the birth of my brother. I remember we were like a bunch of girls, it's four girls, and then a boy came at the end. So we were all eagerly waiting for a boy, because we're Pakistani, you know, we won't stop trying until we get the boy. And I remember just seeing how happy it made my parents that I was like, oh, God, there's a boy. And I remember just being like unconditionally madly in love with my brother. And then I remember feeling that for a really long time, just being like, oh, my brother is like the person I love the most. I wasn't so close to my sisters.

So I kind of projected all my love onto my brother. And I think that was the birth of my very objective perspective of men and women. So I remember feeling like, oh, I can see both sides. I can see my brother and I can see my sisters. I can see my dad and I can see my mom. I can see both sides. So I learned this kind of androgyny when it came to understanding the human mind. And I think that was the birth of this kind of misogynistic feminist.

Some people call me. So I think that's where it starts from. That's interesting. So you said some people call you a misogynist. Some people call you a feminist. So who are you? I'm Sadia Khan. I am a believer in, I am an advocate for children.

I really believe I'm an advocate for children. And when you're an advocate for children, You understand that children need a male and female equally. One minute, I could be sounding like I'm the most angry redfield man in the planet, and the next minute I could sound like a staunch feminist. But essentially, my gear and my northern light is just towards children and family. Can you talk about your romantic relationship? Because I'm sure this is a topic that many people say, okay, well, you know,

because I remember when I started matchmaking, the first question would be, well, are you married? I know. And, you know, I try not to mention it, but I'm very happily committed. my relationship. One of the reasons I think I've managed to kind of resonate with a lot of people is because I completely understand the struggles of being somebody who's terrible at relationships. I have a disrespectful tongue when I'm anxious. I'm incredibly insecure and jealous. I predict problems that haven't even occurred yet. And I am always within an effort to be right rather than happy. So I'll be like, okay, you're going to do this and that's going to lead to that. And that's going to

have an affair and then I'm going to murder you. So that's what's going to happen. So my mindset was always to look out for the affair. Always. I always had a thing. Where are the footsteps of the affair? And I used to go into a relationship with that mindset. It would never be how connected are we? How much do we love each other?

How are compatible we are. It's like, when are you going to cheat? How are you going to cheat? And how would I catch you? That literally would be how I'd enter any situation until I met my husband, who is, it was just like, okay, I don't need, I can put my weapons. Why are you not giving me, like I can actually put my weapons down? And it felt so uncomfortable to kind of dig for problems and there weren't any.

And as a result, I had to really reevaluate how I see love and how I see relationships because I was forced to be like, your detector skills are not going to work here or your usual defense mechanisms are not going to work with this person. This person is actually going to show you what healthy looks like. How are you going to cope now? And then I have to really reevaluate how I structure relationships. This is fascinating. So now I have to ask, what do you believe informed that behavior early on to always be looking for infidelity?

I always just had male friends. That was always who I connected with the most. I had female friends, but the problem I always felt is that they would always enter an element of competition. Not because I'm so fascinating or anything like that. It's just so happens that it would lead to that direction. And I blame myself. There must be something in my energy that causes people to start being a bit on their back foot. So unless the woman was really happily married, which I have really happily married friends,

when there was any element of them still on the market, anything like, it would always just turn a little bit negative. And I would always kind of lean into my male friends and be like, I don't know what happened here and I don't know what happened there. And what would happen is because my, I felt a bit safer because I felt like there was no competition. And I don't care if somebody fancies me. It doesn't affect my, because people are like, oh, how can you be friends with boys? They're going to want you and they're going to want to be with you. So I don't care, that's their problem. So because I never let that bother me, I was totally vulnerable with them. I always felt like, and they were vulnerable back. So what I would learn is all the

tricks of cheating in the process. So they would be like, oh, yeah, yeah, sometimes just put my girl's picture on my WhatsApp picture so she doesn't get scared, but I still message all the girls. Or sometimes I'll go to the club and I'll always tell my location, but I still do what I want when I'm there. So I realize that, oh, they actually, they lie a lot. They lie a lot. And with girls, they don't tell you if they're lying. Like, they would never expose that. if they're having an affair. Boys would tell you, oh, yeah, I've worked with this girl,

and yesterday I went with that girl. So I learned this behavior that was like, oh my God, is this what you guys do? And in that moment of realization, I thought, okay, I've got to be one step ahead of guys. And then also being young and then, you know, being around lots of men, what would happen is I would see them risk their own relationships

to try and talk to me or their own relationships trying to be with me. So I learned that men are not as monogamous as you think and they're not as faithful as you think. particularly the men I affiliate with. I'm not saying all men, but I tend to go around men who are very confident, have a lot of access to women, who, you know, don't struggle with women. I realize that it's not that easy. They can be madly in love with you, but still sexually attracted to somebody else. And that realization was the opposite of what girls would always say. They say, oh, when he loves you,

he'll never touch anybody else. I'm like, yeah, but when he loves you, I mean, he sees a good pair of tits, he still might want something. People used to say to me, oh, he would never cheat on you. You're amazing. And I was like, you can be amazing. But you might have one. thing that they're missing or they really crave and they can go elsewhere. So I went in with that mentality like, oh, no, you're not going to trick me. I know the situation too well. And that's where it came from. Wow. You know what? That makes sense. Does it actually? I feel like I just went on a roller coaster. No, no. I mean, for someone who has been researching it, right? Now I begin to better understand why you have certain positions. Yes. Right? As a result of your childhood,

as a result of having many friends who were men, right? And then also having a husband who then changes your perspective, right? I see that, you know, it's not black or white for you. You live in the gray, right? Which I think we all should live in the gray. Objectivity. You can take my gender out of me and you could hear the same thing and it wouldn't actually change what I have to say.

Can we talk about, and I cannot wait to get your opinion of this, is let's start with the sexual revolution. Yes. Because I think that when you talk about modern dating, a lot of us go. back to the sexual revolution and say, okay, from the sexual revolution, 60s, 70s, this is where modern dating began. How do you think dating has changed since the sexual revolution? I think since the sexual revolution, what it does is a couple of things. It allowed men access to sex without having to be a man. Previously, you would have to be a man to access a vagina.

It would literally be you have to bring some masculinity to the table in order to see vagina. to touch vagina, to be around a woman. So they would have to work on traits that would make them more of a man and make them more appealing. So the standard of men would have to be somewhat high. Doesn't mean they have to be rich, millionaires, whatever it is, but they would know that they need to have plans of getting married, they need to have plans of becoming a father, they need to have plans of staying put. Something would have had to be enhanced to provoke that provider and protector in him in order to access a woman. He is now able to access all of the traits that he truly wants to have a woman, which is the sexual part, which is usually what men truly want out of women,

you know, they take it or leave it, is they're able to access that without any masculinity. They simply can access it instantly. So I think what it did is a really cured masculinity, but at the same time, it enhanced masculinity in women. And how it enhanced it in women is there is no more frugality of who they share their body with, yeah, they can share it with absolutely anybody. They're starting to practice detached sex. One of the things that made women's feminine is their ability to want eye contact, connection, touch, taste, everything. Now they're like, why is he not choking me? Why is he not throwing me around the room? I don't like this. He wasn't trying to be too intimate. She's developing detached masculinity. So she's developing the idea of

men are disposable, sleeping with different men at the same time, not thinking about having children as a consequence of sex, not thinking about her long-term plans. And I notice this a lot when I have clients. I've been married for 10, 15 years. And when they finally go back into a dating scene and they haven't been promiscuous, they finally go back into a dating scene, they say women these days, they don't want me to stay over or they don't want me to actually like have a relationship. They don't want phone calls. They don't want text messages. They kind of just want to sleep with you and leave. They're detached from connection. So it's decreased masculinity in men and enhanced it in women. And as a result, we have an imbalance when we do enter

marriage, which fundamentally leads to the breakdown of marriage. Wow. Wow. There's so much there that I love to. Yeah, there's so much there. I mean, let's start with. The two things that jump out to me is that it sounds like what you were saying is that masculinity is protecting and providing.

Yes. Right. Is there any other way that you describe or that you define masculinity? Yeah, I would. I would say the fundamental key is when it comes to masculinity, it's living a life that women can submit to not enforce. submission. And what I mean by that is a man that is very much makes great, fantastic decisions, has a lot of self-control, is able to exercise self-control when it comes to sex, money, food.

In general, he has a life which he can be proud of. There's a lot of self-respect in who he is. What will happen is women will naturally allow him to take the lead. They will naturally submit to him. And as a result, she can focus on raising the children, she can focus on being a woman, she can focus on looking after him. When he is unable to control his urges in any way she's room, that includes food, sex, money, any urges, he can't seem to control it or have a handle over those things. She then has to take the driving sea and as a result she gets frustrated because she sees him as an extra child rather than as a leader in the marriage. And therefore, it's only a matter of time where she lose respects and then she leaves. So I would say that

having a really good handle of your self-control will really help with your masculinity I see. Interesting. So if you're succinctly describing masculinity, you would say it's about self-control. Yeah. It's about the ability to protect. It's about the ability to provide. Yeah. Ability. Yeah. Okay. I'm with you. So then next is something that I don't know if I agree with Sondi. I don't know if I agree. I don't know if I agree. Please. I love it when someone gives me some pushback. It's my favorite thing. I know, I know. But let's see. Let's see. Let's have you unpack it first. So I heard you say that the only thing that men truly want is sex. Do you believe that's the only thing that men truly want? No, I take that back. Okay, okay, okay, fist up on that. I take that heavily back. What I would say is their dream is to have intimate sex. Yes. Yeah, that's all their dream is. Yes. Is to have sex with a woman that they are intimately connected to. When they don't have intimacy, they mask this need. They think, they actually think it's more sex than it is. So what they'll do is they might be missing,

sex in their marriage for a really long time. But really they don't understand they're not missing sex. They're actually missing intimacy. They're not connected outside of the bedroom. And as a result, they're not having any sex in the bedroom. And they think that they're just missing sex. So they go and outsource it, perhaps with a mistress or an escort. But the fundamental thing I find is they get hyper attached to whoever they're sleeping with. They get emotionally invested. They get monogamous to whoever they're sleeping with. So there's something in sex and intimacy, that combination is what they crave the most. If it was simply sex, it would be one escort after the other, it would be one mistress after the other, and they wouldn't care. The amount men risked their

entire life for the escort on the side or the mistress that they fell in love with, they will throw away the entire family for the woman they fall in love with on the side. Shows it can't just be sex. It has to be something deeper than that. So it's intimate sex. Would you agree? I'm with you. I would agree. The combination of those two. Would you be able to be in love without the six? Me? No. And I think this probably fits within And I want to talk about this a little bit later, because you see that you put men in two different camps. I do. This is what everyone hates about me.

It's like, you generalize a lot. Yeah, I do. We'll talk about it because I think there could be more than two camps. But I think in your definition, I would fall within the camp of I need to have that emotional connection. Right now, according to Dr. Karen Gurney, who is also on the show, is that my wife and I are having sex at roughly 3. three to four times per week, which is on average is more than the average. More than the average. I think people are typically having it once a week on average.

That is a decrease. Well, you guys? That is a decrease from... You're Caribbean, right? Yeah, exactly. It's a different field, yeah. Yeah, it's a different field. It's a whole different field, right?

So maybe we're below average. Don't worry. Yeah, you're definitely below average. And just the one wife? You're below average. Oh, no, no, no, no. But so it's dropped. Yeah.

And I would always wonder, okay, why has it dropped? What's going on? Because my satisfaction in my marriage is higher. Oh, amazing. And it is because of what you're saying. It's the intimacy. It's the connection around the intimacy. What helps with you guys, the intimacy?

What is it that? If you were to kind of explain why you guys are so connected outside of the bedroom, what would you say that is? I think it's because we're best friends. And we spend an incredible amount of time together. Yeah. And we want what we have in a partnership. And I've noticed this a lot with modern dating.

So we're, you know, talking about modern dating too is it feels as if 1960s, 1970s, actually all over the world, there was one set of relationship. Yeah. One set. And I think, unfortunately, it was always heterosexual that was approved. Yeah. But you're talking about it was dating to marriage. That was it.

One partner for life. Yeah. Whereas you fast forward to today, how many different types of relationships do we have? It's insane. How many? Endless. Endless. Endless.

Right. Endless. And I think a huge challenge today is do you want the same type of relationship as your partner? Whereas with my wife and I, we want. You both want what you got. We want to be best friends. We want to be doing backflips in the bedroom together. We want to run a business together. and that alignment, I think, helps us.

Amazing. What's changed, though, I think, with, you know, looking at modern dating is that, you know, that's why it's so hard is because you're walking in and you have this menu of a hundred or endless options. Can I ask, I'm sorry to interrupt you, but, you know, since you saw your rise and your notoriety and I'm guessing like all the endless options just increased, did it just make you want monogamy even more? No, sorry, it's interesting.

When I was, there was one point a few years ago when we were. had our matchmaking business where I said, I think I may know more single women than any man in the world. There was a point where I thought, okay, I'm interacting with more. And this whole idea of, you know, when you have a wedding ring on and acts as a magnet, it does. It works. It does. I've literally felt that. It's like, oh, okay. And I think for some, I mean, it symbolizes that I can commit. Yeah. Maybe. Well, do you know what I found when I speak to women and I have no judgment with my clients. They come to me and it's a completely safe space. So I meet a lot of women that date married men. And the main thing they find, the allure of a

married man is essentially he dates completely different to a single man. And he's sexually completely different to a single man and way better according to their feedback. So what they say is when they meet men in the modern dating scene, they're so used to disconnected sex. They're so used to kind of hit and quit and move on to the next and you don't know where he's at and he doesn't really had to please a woman because he hasn't had one woman who's given him honest feedback for a long time. When I date a married man, he knows how to treat a woman. His sexual performance is so much better. His emotional performance is so much better. His ability to kind of protect her is so much better, because he'll check, did you get home? Okay. So weirdly, it's a better package for them. Isn't that so

strange? That is, but you know, as you describe it, it makes, it makes sense. Because, you know, you're talking about feedback, for example, is you're absolutely right. Feedback. You know, my wife has given me feedback in the bedroom. And to the point where I think the feedback is something that just makes us better. Absolutely. And one of the things that when I come across men that say to me, my wife hasn't slept with me for months and years, and that's why I went everywhere else. And I said, but did you listen to her feedback? There must have been something in her feedback that you were not listening to. Oh, she just wants me to like not take so long to ejaculate. Or she just, you know, gets a bit upset when I lose my erection. I was like, that's her feedback. She no longer feels beautiful or she feels like

it's more of a chore. Why are you not listening to her feedback rather than just getting mad at? I'm not saying she's justified for not touching you for years. Of course, I believe you have to. You have to maintain that. But we also owe it to each other to listen to the feedback. If your partner's not touching you, listen to the feedback is really important. And the men that do that as a result, they have a queue of single women. I'll choose you over the guy that's had 100 one-night stands where he's never had any feedback. So that's what happens. Wow. Isn't that terrible? There's a mind blow, but now I know. I should take my ring off now. It symbolizes a lot of things that women actually are truly, truly attracted to.

It symbolizes I can take feedback. You can take feedback. It's what it is. But I will, I mean, to your question, though, is I will say that I definitely believe that the attention, the demand, if you will, has driven me closer to my wife. You have the same experience. To the point where as I feel attention, as I feel, you know, women coming on to me in essence, I would say, but, you know, there are five. things I can see right now that my wife can do a million times better than you. And then that, I think that contemplation, then when I get home, there's an even higher level of appreciation

for those things. Weirdly, isn't it weird that it does that to you? If you're in the right relationship, I would preface that by saying if you're in the right relationship. But it just means like, you know, because of my content and stuff like that, you'll get lots of guys, be like, this is a girl I want to marry you, a girl like this and blah, blah, this, that. And I was just like, but in my head, I'm like, but I wouldn't even be near a guy that needs my advice because you should know some of these stuff and blah blah. So I'm a bit like it's made me even more grateful to just be off the mark. I know it sounds terrible because I don't mean to be condescending to people who are still out there. It's really, it's just really difficult out there at the moment.

It is. It is. I mean, let's talk about this. One is I can see that the two of us, I think, could talk for 24 hours. Yes. This is going to be dangerous. But let's talk about one of the reasons why I, And I've heard you talk about this why it is so challenging.

And that is pornography. Yeah. Especially men viewing pornography. So is that your opinion that pornography is actually is drastically hurting modern day? I feel a bit like a broken record because it's like when somebody comes to me, first thing I ask is what's your pornography habit? Firstly, what it does is if they're single, it primes them for being cheated on in their relationships heavily. And the reason why it primes them for being cheated on when you watch them,

lot of pornography is men I become impatient with sexual satisfaction, the more pornography they watch. So when they're dating and on the dating scene, the woman that takes a lot of warming up before she gets promiscuous or before she starts to introduce new ideas and stuff, good women, they need emotional connection first, women that are actually monogamous, they need emotional connection, then you can experiment. What happens with men that watch a lot of pornography, they don't have patience for a girl like that. They want a girl that is happy to join threesome, use all sorts of dogs, do all sorts of craziness from day one. That's the girl day one. They don't realize in the process of selecting that she has to have some level of promiscuity behind her. So as a result, they get

attached to this fantastic sex that they get immediately, not realizing the woman comes with an unconscious contract that I do this all the time. You are not special to me. I can be this promiscuous and this freaky with several men. So they end up getting madly attached to this woman who has a different perspective on monogamy and monogamous sex. The second thing it does is it really ruins their sexual performance, but they think they're fantastic. So it gives a complete warped perception of reality. They think they're reincarnating all these moves and showing her all these skills, and she's going to love this. I'm going to throw around the bedroom and do this on the other. She's just thinking, this feels like mutual masturbation. It doesn't feel connected in any way,

shape or form. So they actually end up being serial data in one-night stands, not because they're so great. It's because women don't come back to them. Women don't want them again. They don't want them. that kind of discipline. And the only ones that might do are the ones that are incredibly promiscuous and like that kind of vibe. And therefore, they end up in relationships that actually were built on intimacy, but don't have any intimacy. And that's the problem I find. Wow. Do you see any positives to pornography? I have to say I'm biased with this, yeah. This is a thing I have to say, I'm very biased with this. Because of my religious beliefs and stuff, I haven't engaged in pornography. So I can't tell you what the positives are. And when I do look at

the research, they do so that it does help spice up the relationship. It does help do all. all those things. It's just that the dangers outweigh the positives, just like with gambling, alcohol and drugs and stuff, for that reason, I'm always like, be aware of it. But I do find that what it does in the men's ability to connect with their wives, particularly in marriages, is that it's not worth it. When a woman is dating or married to a porn addict, she feels like she can't get through to him because her normal way of like kind of resolving conflict or getting a man back on side is through intimacy. When he is able to outsource that, she loses her ability to reconnect with him. And therefore, the marriage ends up drifting apart. All right. So there's one thing that you said

that I just have to go back to you. Because I'm sure people will want to go back to is you've said, I'm a good girl. Yeah. And therefore, I can't do all of these sexual things. Yeah. Are you suggesting that you're a good girl if you don't have a large sexual repertoire. I don't think it's about having no skills or anything like that. But I would say, personally, I'm not saying me, good girl. I'm saying in general, good women. I would just say that women that are accustomed to monogamy find sex sacred. That's all it is. Sex is a sacred experience. It's not that they're madly in love with their husband sometimes. It's just that they don't want to have sex with anybody else. Simple as that. They don't want to touch another man once they're

with this man. He could be a nightmare. He could drive her crazy. He could be unfaithful. He could be a headache. Her monogamy comes from her perception of sex and usually her perception is sex is that it's incredibly sacred. It's not something you spread around freely and I don't feel comfortable exposing these skill sets that I've learned to any man. Women who are able to expose a lot of that to several men early, very early on, just have a more relaxed perception of sex. I'm not saying they're wrong or bad women, but their perception of sex is it's a fun activity. It's not a sacred activity. Nothing wrong with that. But as a result of it being a fun, activity, just like how you might play tennis with a couple of people, they might see sex in that

same way. It's not that serious. If you want to know how monogamous a woman is, it's not how you treat her. It's how she sees sex. So you have to bear that in mind. This is fair. So now we're living in a day and age where there's a massive, I will call sex positivity movement. We had a guest talking about monogamish relationships, polyamorous relationships, polyandrous relationships. Do you believe that that non-monogamous relationships, is that helpful or hurtful to dating? Do you know, it's hard to tell because culturally people have always been polygamists and it's always worked. It's never been so much of a problem. In this day and age, I think because the exit plan is so easy when things are not working out, polygamy added to that doesn't actually help.

I haven't actually seen too many polygamous marriages work out. And the reason being is, in my personal experience. What I've noticed is when a man allows a woman to access another man on his watch, she can no longer trust and respect her original man ever again. Something happens to her. Maybe with women it's different. I don't know enough. But say, for example, if my husband says, hey, you can go sleep with this guy. No worries. Go have fun. Enjoy yourself. Just keep me in a loop. In the process of me doing that, what will happen is I don't feel like he's protective and provide, He's not a protective man anymore. I could be wrong, but that's what I noticed.

This is fair. And I like how you preface that from my experience. So what about the woman in that situation that would push back and say, well, I have complete agency over my body and I can protect and provide myself. In that case, then here's the thing. Marriage isn't for you then. It's as simple as that. I'll meet girls that saying, I'm a complete free person.

I have complete agency over my sex. I don't need someone telling me what to do. Marriage is an institution. It involves restrictions. It involves being answerable to somebody. The whole process is like checking yourself into prison and saying, I'm a free person. Marriage is an emotional prison in some ways. So when you have that mentality, by all means have that mentality, but don't try and squeeze it into marriage.

Marriage isn't for you then. Because marriage involves compromising. Sometimes we have to let go of our agency and replace it with community, the two of us. We have to make communal decisions. If you are opposed to communal decisions and anybody's stepping in and saying sometimes, I know you're free to do whatever you want, but that affects me. That makes me feel uncomfortable when you're going out with that guy at this time. And it makes me feel uncomfortable.

If your response is, well, I do what I want, you're not fit to be a wife. But if your response is, I understand there's times where you do certain things that I also don't like. I don't also like when you're talking to that secretary, I don't feel comfortable. When both of you understand that this, sometimes you have to do what's best for the marriage rather than what's best for you. You're built to be married. Wow. I tell you what, what you are saying right? here and now is completely counter to what you hear pop media talking about right now. It's very bold.

And I also mention that even if a man is like that, marriage is not for you. Yes, even if a man, I promise you, even if you have a man who is like, I do whatever I want, you can't tell me what to do. If I'm going to go to the club, I'm going to go to the club. If I want to like pictures, I'm going to like pictures, don't tell me, no worries, but you're not a husband. Right. And the reason why, though, and I'm with you, because you're not saying it's gender specific. But the reason why I think think it's so interesting and why it's so bold for you to say this is because of what we talked about with the sexual revolution. Yes.

And this whole idea of women now are out-earning men, especially under the age of 35, out-educating men, especially under the age of 35, and at a place where many women can protect themselves, provide for themselves, but yet are still interested in having a committed long-term relationship like a marriage. And you're saying marriage is not for you. That's bold. But what I just think, isn't that common sense?

Because the whole purpose of a marriage is taking one person and deciding that you're the person that sometimes I might forego my personal desires to make our union work. And he should be doing the same thing. Now, if neither of us are prepared to do that, we can't be married.

We can be friends. We can be living together. We can do something, but we can't be married. But from your perspective, as somebody who is married, do you feel like sometimes you do have to forego what you truly want?

in order to make the marriage work, or do you think it should just be two agencies? Yeah, so this is a great question. And this is where, to a certain degree, I agree with you. But where I disagree with you is that it's dependent on the type of relationship that you want. Right. You know, I think that when you speak, and there's a reason why I think it is so confident is that you speak with a certain set of values. Yeah. Right.

But the challenge, though, is that you can't take those values and apply them to everyone. Right. Because everyone has a different set of values. But I think you and I share a lot of the same values. So when I hear you, I'm like, okay, I get it. I get what you're saying. Do you think that if two people wanted to be totally independent and do whatever they want and came together in a marriage, do you think they could still last a long time?

Or do you think the lack of compromise would eventually lead them to break up? It depends what you want. You know, there's a massive movement around living apart but together. Right. And I have friends actually who are in the Zoom. Yeah. So they sleep in different beds. A matter of fact, sometimes they sleep in different homes.

Oh, wow. They have children, but they are not, they don't consider themselves intellectually equal. Right. They don't consider themselves best friends. You know, they have a loose relationship. They're completely satisfied with their relationship. I don't think they'll ever break up. Could I exist in that relationship?

hell no. Well, what I would say in those relationships, and I have witnessed this as well, particularly in Dubai, people live double lives. Yes. Yeah, they're very, very affluent. So they can afford to kind of, you know, separate rooms, so they're certainly in their nannies,

all that stuff. So what I noticed in those scenarios is there's always one of those that's giving more to make that scenario work. So one of them is paying both bills. So one of them is cooking meals for, so somebody's still investing more to keep that co-parenting environment alive. And that's the person that resists. the other more. I think we're totally on the same page is that on a percentage basis,

will those relationships, you know, on a higher percentage, will they fail? Absolutely. Yeah, they will absolutely. I'm full. But I can't see the logic in it because I've seen that work where they waited until the kids are old enough where they can actually speak to them about the divorce and they can, you know, I do it. And I've seen, I'm like, you know, I understand that. If it's waiting to the kids get into a particular school where they can both co-parent, well, why not? Do you with that. I'm with you. I'm with you. I'm loving this conversation. All right. Let's talk about this too, is that 2020, the number of only fan users was 85 million. But in 2023, that number had increased to 170 million.

Is OnlyFans helping or hurting modern dating? It's destroying modern dating. What I hate about the only fans' conversation is how much the focus is on the girls that are ruining or dating. There's 120 million users. There's not 120 million OnlyFans models. It's the men that are funding this that are the real problem. It's the men's obvious desire to kind of have interaction with a woman that they're sexually attracted to. That is fueling their poor self-destructive behavior.

And there's men that are married that do this. And so it's a very ugly kind of coping mechanism. But I think something that is underreported is how many of the OnlyFans girls are actually not taking home the money. and it's actually going to a boyfriend that's set it up for her, and it's actually going to a trafficker. So the whole industry is just a very dirty environment. I can understand from a woman's perspective, she makes more money than she can ever make by herself. And I always say this, like as a woman who's on endless reach, endless reach, I don't make a quarter of an OnlyFans model, considering how much I help men.

It just shows you when I'm prioritizing in this day and age. I don't think it's their fault. I'm sure that the over-sexualization of women, and the sexual movement has made them like that. And if it's anything towards a woman who doesn't love you, doesn't care about you, doesn't want you, and you're just paying to see her naked and you're just paying for her sexual, like your attention, you naturally start to hate yourself. As a man, you naturally start to hate yourself because deep down, you get 10 minutes of pleasure,

but really you feel pathetic afterwards. You have to feel pathetic. And if you don't, you should. Because a self-esteem of a man is really measured by what he does in the dark. If secretly he's watching a lot of pornography and paying for only fans girls trying to see them nakedly, there's no way he can be proud of that behavior. And as a result, he slowly starts to dislike himself and he engages in more and more self-destructive behavior. So I don't think it's a healthy environment. What do you think of it?

Yeah, you said it's destroying it. Yeah. We had a guest on Lauren Goodyear. Do you know Lauren Goodyear? Please tell me what she? From the only way is Essex. Oh, yeah, Lauren. Yes, she was with Mark Bright.

Yes. We spoke a lot about Barb, right. She said something that really struck me, and that was, so she's on OnlyFans. Okay. But she's on it reluctantly. Okay. Because it was the only thing that she could do to keep the bills paid. It makes total sense.

You can't make that kind of money in the real world. So why wouldn't you? I'm a Muslim woman. It would never cross my mind. But if I wasn't and if I didn't have this kind of hang up about sex or whatever it was, and you can make thousands and thousands if you're lucky in one month and then retire after a couple of months or a year. It's a no-brainer for a woman in this day and age. I just can't understand the male perspective in it.

I just can't. No matter how much I try and understand and this, that and the other, if curiosity is more important than you than self-respect, there's problems. All right, we have to take a breath and say that only fans is not for everyone, but it is for some people and it is a legal platform. What Sadi is talking about is her set of values, and it really shows that she has high self-respect because she's holding her values and her beliefs in high regard. That's what self-respect means.

So if you want to have self-respect, if you want to nurture that, what it means is first you need to identify what it is that you believe in, what it is that you value, and you have to hold it in high regard, which means that you don't sneak around in private, you shout about it from the rooftop. So if OnlyFans is your thing and you're proud of that, so then talk about it. Talk to your partner about it. Share that with them. That is holding yourself in high respect. But if you feel like you can't share with your partner that you look at OnlyFans, that's absolutely not having high self-respect. There's a couple ways to look at it. One is, so there's a, there's 170 million users. We know there's probably 4 billion men. So that's an infant,

percentage of how many men. So it is some of some of some of some of some of some of some of some right. So that's one. Secondly is that I so me personally it's interesting I was on a I was on a show we were talking about only fans and the host said well Paul what do you think of only fans? And I said you know I've never been on it and she said that's a lie. I said no I've really never been on it. She said that's a lie. All men have been on and I think that a massive challenge that men have, and this is something that I personally have, it's an issue that I have, is that we're lopped into this one category of you are stupid, you are sex obsessed, you will never make anything of your life.

Yeah. And the fact is that that's not helpful. Yeah, it's not useful. And it's not factual. Yeah. You know? But do you think that's a generational thing? Do you think that maybe you escaped it, but do you think if you were,

28, do you think your mindset would be different? Mindset to... To Only fans, like all these things, because the conditioning received from these young boys is to sexualize them from a very, very young age, to get them used to seeing nudity all the time. We're paying for it. So is a gradual and easy step? Right. No, no. So to your point of, can it be detrimental? Yeah. I'm with you. Yeah. It absolutely can in a variety of ways. Do you think it could be healthy in any way?

Yeah. I do. And where I see it being helpful is especially if you're with a partner. You know, so there's several people that are friends of mine who are advocates for ethical pornography. Yeah. And when you have a partner and when you're discussing what's happening, you're using it as an opportunity to experiment. You're using it as an opportunity to learn. I think it can be. It can be healthy. You know, another piece of it is that I know there's, quite a, and I don't know how many couples, but there are some couples, should I say, that I know,

one in particular, who they use only fans, they use pornography as the turn on, right? That's their availability or that's their opportunity to not physically interject a third person, but to have having a... But do you know why I prefer people using third people than actual pornography is because third people give you genuine reality check of what it's like to have an affair? It's a headache. It's a lot of work. these women come with their own baggage and issues. I've met so many men that have actually had the affair that never again, I'm going to be so monogamous to my wife because this girl that I had an affair with

was an absolute nightmare. Strow me crazy, blah, blah. So the reason why I'm actually more of an advocate that you go sleep with 10 girls than watch one pornography or you go have a mistress and get addicted to pornography is because real women will give you real problems. And real problems will remind you how much you love your wife. But instead of like that either or, what about the gray, which is the partnership who says, you know what, we love each other. We want to have a third person in temporarily.

We had a guest on who they go to sex parties. I'm assuming you are not pro-sex parties. You were not at a sex party last night. Where are you, Zadhi? I'm so sorry. I missed it that now. But next week. And actually, they were saying that London has some wild sex parties.

Okay. What was interesting is that they said that what they do is similar, but it is better than watching pornography. Okay. They learn. They don't have sex with other people, but they have sex in front of other people. Watch other people get turned on by, it's the voyeurism. Okay, the voyeurism, yeah. Okay, so a feel of fantasy in that moment.

Yes. Do you know what it is? I just, I need to see long-term. data on OnlyFans, pornography and threesomes for me to then understand what the real reality is. Because it's been compact in our generation, we don't know what it's like in the long term. So because of that, I have to reserve judgment. But my general issue, it tends to be with just three cents and stuff like that in general, is the couple is using another human being as a toy.

And I feel a bit like we as human beings shouldn't really start to degrade. grade human beings into just stimulants to our pleasure. So when we're saying that that's empowering and their sexual freedom, what about that third girl? Like, what about her? So whereas, you know, like, again, this is where my cultural bias is, where people always ask me, oh, but you're from a polygamous environment and, you know, you come from wisdom backgrounds where they have two wives. For me, I still see an element of respect to another woman that you're marrying, providing having children for, you're forced to be, provide and protect in that environment as well. Whereas a threesome environment is like she can be in your house the next day we don't even know who she is what she is

you could have a disease we don't care it's a lack it's a psychopathy that we're breeding in human beings to use another human being as a device to stimulate your own pleasure that i take an objection to push right and i hear it but you know i've talked to the third girl yes yeah and the third boy yes and typically what i hear is that they've detached themselves emotionally to what's happening and they are there. Pleasure seeking. Pleasure seeking themselves. Yeah.

But I still think consensual pleasure seeking has a long-term negative impact on a human being. I don't know how much we are showing respect to people when we are just capitalizing on their vulnerability towards pleasure seeking in this moment in time and not thinking about in the long run, we're good. We've got each other. We're going to have a family. We're good. You're going to be still roaming around.

I don't know how healthy that is for humans. No, I'm with you. I think I need to introduce you to my friend and you two need to go to a sex party together. So you could watch. Oh, goodness. I can't even be on a beach without being a bit embarrassed. I really? Yeah, I'm a very, very conservative human being.

Are you a one piece with a cover up at the beach? Women's only beaches. Really? Women's only beaches. Really? Yeah. Women's only beaches. They have that in Dubai and falls as well.

It's just how I was raised. It was just like a bikini scene as underwear. So you're like, it's haram, it's wrong. So I know it's just stuck with you over the years. Yeah, it's just stuck with me. It's so weird. Oh, wow. No, no. It's such a strange thing. No, no. I mean, it's interesting. That's new. And I live in Dubai where it's just all, like this sun, see it everywhere. But it's just what I was raised as. And I think I just kind of maintained it throughout. Same with alcohol. I've never touched it, regardless of the environment. I've just never touched it. It's just certain things. When I can internalize a value, it sticks with me forever. And so when I, when I haven't internalized it, I'll chop and change. But once it's internalized, it's ingrained in it. It's in there. Yeah, it's in there. I've got a very exciting announcement.

But first, I want to ask you if you know which part of dating most of us worry about. If you guessed creating lasting relationships, you are right. We all want to find a partner to grow old with and to share in life's experiences. That's why I'm delighted to announce today an exciting new podcast partnership with Tinder, where a relationship starts every three seconds. Now, I've worked as Tinder's global relationship insights expert for a few years, and during that time, I've seen firsthand that lasting relationships form using their app. Each week, I'll share everything I've learned about what makes the foundations for a great relationship,

and how to make it last. Tinder is for all types of relationships, and I truly believe it has the best tools to help you find love. It starts with a swipe. So download Tinder today and let's find you a great relationship. All right. So now we have to move on to something that you have titled. You're the first person that I've heard say this statement, the narcissistic movement. Yes.

Tell me about this. And you know, I remember talking a lot about this, but I've never seen an environment where women are so encouraged to be narcissistic, yet play victim to narcissistic. yet play victim to narcissism. It's bizarre. And I think it stems from just how we view our bodies first and foremost. And a lot of it, like I remember thinking this during the abortion debate, children are not body pots, children are human beings. Me having a baby is a mutual decision. It's two people's. It's really, really two peoples. So when we hear slogans like my body, my choice, it implies that only a woman decides if a baby lives or dies. And I couldn't get on board with that. It's two human beings. I couldn't have got through life.

with just my mom. I couldn't have. There's times where she would upset me, I'd have to run to my dad, and in no way shape or form. Did I ever feel like I belong to my mom simply because she burst me? I, they love me equally. So that was one time where I just thought, it's narcissistic to assume a child is just your body part. And then it was just always just generally how we view pre-nups, how we view marriage, how we review, and even now I see a lot of things online saying, oh, if he's broke, don't do this, and he should pay for this, and he should pay for this. But there's no, yeah, if you say to the same women, but, you know, are you prepared to, like, compromise and cook and clean? Why should I? So it's wanting the man to still be a man while the woman remains a man. And it doesn't seem fair. And even when I see like dating coaches for women,

the advice for women, it's very much like you need to love yourself. He should love, love, love, love, be narcissistic, be your own biggest fan. It's like, my personal advice to everybody is be your own biggest critic. I don't allow others to disrespect me. I don't allow anybody else to criticize me. But me personally, I'm incredibly hard on myself because only then can I take accountability and improve. But I don't have this, I'm amazing, I'm amazing, look at yourself, love it. Absolutely not. Sometimes I fuck up.

Sometimes I'm great. Sometimes I'm awful. So the narcissistic movement in relationships in particular, and especially motherhood, in particular, I find like, you know, when they kind of deprive fathers of the access to the children or when they try and fight for custody only to get more child support or they refuse to have pre-nups, it's just teaching women to go into relationships with the mentality to get rather than give. And I don't think it's healthy. Wow. Well, do you think that the rate of narcissism is increasing faster for women or for men?

For women, by far, and yet they claim to be victims of it. I don't know how easy it would be to become narcissistic. You just post a beautiful picture, endless attention, endless attention, endless attention, endless attention. So what ends up happening is human, like your partner in particular becomes seen as disposable because you see comments as alternatives, but they're not. They're just, they're just, you. You know, they're just not. But you start to see, well, I get a thousand likes and I get a thousand comments. I get so many guys trying to fly me out.

Everybody in your life starts to become a bit disposable, particularly the man you select. And men do this too, where they don't actually become narcissistic. They become pathetic because they're the ones that chasing the women that are narcissistic. They're the ones that liking, commenting, trying to get their stuff. So they become more pathetic. She becomes more narcissistic and the dynamic is off from the get-go. Wow. Again, this is not all.

This is the 1%. Yeah, the 1%. But your thoughts is that, that, that, you're not. for women, that narcissism is growing faster than men. It grows faster. Namely what because of social media. Social media and just the zeitgeist of feeling like you're constantly the victim, you deserve better, you've been oppressed for so long. And one of the things that, you know, really drives narcissism is a victim mentality. And women have been instilled this victim mentality that men have oppressed you for so long.

So now it's your time to get it back. We as women have not experienced it in our lifetime, in excessive oppression. Even in back in the day, women were not more oppressed than, say, a black man or a black woman. It wasn't really like this, that women were just massively oppressed. But that narrative has sunk in so deeply that they are natural victims. And a victim in every scenario will never take accountability. And the person who doesn't take accountability will never contribute to the discussion. And therefore, it's breeding a mentality of narcissism.

All right. Let's unpack what Saudi just said a bit. One is, I agree that the number of narcissists are growing. Yes, but we have to understand there's a difference between being a diagnosed narcissist, which a small percentage of us are, and having narcissistic traits, which all of us do. So this is very important. Secondly, it's important to understand that the rates of narcissism and narcissistic traits are growing in not just women, but men as well. Wait, wait, did I hear you just say that women were not more oppressed?

Absolutely not. I find that it's so offensive when women say that. And the reason I say that is, okay. When we hear about the suffragettes and the, you know, the idea of feminism, we think about white women that fought for our right to work and white women that fought for equal rights between men and women. We're ignoring the fact that white women in those days owned black men as slaves. White women in those days would have a black man lynched for whistling at her. White women were not more oppressed than men. They were oppressed, maybe comparatively to a white man, but significantly better treatment to a black man or a black woman. Black women worked as slaves. So when they say they fought for women's rights, they fought for their rights. They didn't fight for

our rights. They didn't fight for our rights. And I can say this because I'm a woman of color. And I don't really talk about that. But I'm a Muslim woman. I see the difference between my brother's treatment to a white woman when they go for her. He is not in any way, shape, or form, privileged compared to her. So when I hear this claim, I'm like, oh, but you don't know what it's like to be a man of a color. You don't have the same privilege that you think you do. So I get offended when I think that I'm supposed to attribute my liberal kind of lifestyle and the fact that I work and I can do this to those women when I don't identify with what they fight for. I have not heard you talk about ethnicity or race, color when it comes to dating. My wife. Yeah, and dating. And I think

this is a topic that consciously many of us think about. but we don't discuss. And we need to talk is about us talking about the tough topics. This is a tough topic. Tough topic, yeah. How do you believe that ethnicity impacts dating? It does a lot. It does a lot.

If I'm being honest, it does a lot. Men and women differently. So I've spoken a little bit about this. I grew up in London, right? I grew up in all different races of men. And I would see a significant difference in the success rate of like black men, Latin men compared to like European Indian men, completely different. We'd say success rate just in terms of...

Access to women. Oh, interesting. Yeah. Access to women is completely different. And when I was younger and I would get approached by all different types of men, there was such a difference in the way that black men handled rejection compared to a white guy and an Indian guy. And I always said the way they handle rejection is why they do so well. And sorry, this might sound a bit offensive. No, no, no.

I mean, actually, let's hear, I really want to hear this. Well, I would notice about being around Caribbean or African men is that they would not place their self-esteem on your response to their advances. So you might come up to me and be like, hey, you look great. Like, can I get your number? And I'll be like, I'm so sorry I'm married. And he'd be like, okay, have a great day, beautiful girl. Keep walking. You're looking for, and that would be it. He would carry on with his day. She would feel great. He wouldn't even remember her and move on to the next girl. And there's no problem. Yeah, it's just another day, another conversation. But what I would notice is that there's an intense anxiety amongst different

cultures when speaking to a woman. They would pedestalize women. So when she would say no, it'd be like, oh, now I'm not going to speak to another girl for months. They're just so anxious around women's responses to what they have to say. And I just thought, if you start to remember that women are a diamond dozen, being nice and if they reject you, doesn't reject you, you are still you. So I just remember they handled rejection so differently and your success way is how you can handle rejection. Wow. Is any truth in that? Or am I making this up? I think there are many people that would say absolutely. Yeah.

I think there are people right now like, oh, like this. I think you have to be a woman that's experienced men of different cultures approaching it. Me being my psychology nature would always analyze what made me stop and talk to him and not stop and talk to him when he might be more handsome. Why did I stop and talk to him? And it was the guys that I would stop and talk to and kind of give the time of day is their self-esteem did not depend on my response. Racial preference when it comes to dating. is something that is rarely talked about. Yes.

But when we ran our matchmaking agency, what I found to be so interesting is that that was typically the first thing that we were told. Wow. So before we would ask, and this is all across all age, before we would talk about religion, before we were talking about anything, they would say, okay, I'm interested in someone who's white. I'm interested in someone who's black. I'm interested.

So do you think that racial preference in dating makes you a racist? No, I don't think so because whether you admit it or not, you have it. Yeah, I think everybody has it to some extent. Now, I think for men, their racial preferences have been hijacked by pornography, so it's hard to tell. But I think the average person, when they say they prefer a particular race, usually what they really prefer is an element of being able to be themselves around that person. Sometimes it's the same race. Other times, you'll meet some English girls that would be really attracted to black men, but they grew up with some similarity. Maybe it was some music, maybe it was a culture, maybe they grew up in that

environment where they were, so their preference is more their values, but values tend to have a color. And as a result, they navigate it through that. Of course, looks and preference does make a difference, but I do think there's a familiarity in values that comes with color that might be the driving for slightly more. But how do you feel about, let's say that I am a white man living in London? Yes. And I say, I only date women from Pakistan. That's it. You're in for a treat. Or I'm a black man doing that. Or I'm a white woman who says, I only date black men. Is that person, is that just a preference?

Or is an element of racism in there? I wonder. I am curious about that myself. Now, if you say to me, I prefer Pakistani women because I like the fact that they've got a culture and I like the food that they cook and I like something about them that is humanized. But if it's just because her hips are like this and they usually have boobs like this Then I just think then it's fetishizing. Over the years, have you seen the increase in desirability of the black man?

No. You haven't? No. I've noticed it. No. You haven't noticed? No. I think that a successful any man, there is high desirability around.

And when we talk about success, we typically point to what? We talk about income. We talk about high social status, et cetera. if you are a anyone that doesn't have that, then there's less desirability, right? And if you look at the world and you look at the average salary for black men, for example, and there's also the rise of a strong middle class, which is phenomenal. But there's a significant percentage of men that are trapped in this system. And the desirability is, I don't think where it needs to be.

Now, is there a fetishizing? Yeah. Absolutely. Okay. Like, is there a fetish? Absolutely. I think black women in particular are fetishized to a high degree. To a high degree.

Now, the reasons for this are many. For example, my grandfather was part of the Windrush generation. So it came from Jamaica, came to the UK in, say, the late 1940s. And what I've noticed is that for that rain, for that, that, the, that group, that generation, the quickest way to fully integrate into society was to do what? Marry a white woman. Was to marry a white woman. Absolutely.

It was every immigrant coming. This is some of the pieces of colonialism that is still baked into society today. And I'm glad we're touching on this because the reason why I stand out as being brave is because for some reason there seems to be a colonialism on our cycle. especially when it comes to marriage and dating. And so when you have somebody like me who resists colonialism and doesn't allow, you know, the current dating scheme to infiltrate my thoughts, I'm seen as like, you know, negative or backlash, particularly by, you know, particular types of women. But then a part of me thinks if I'm brave and outspoken, that means maybe some of you are thinking it,

but you're not saying it. Let's focus on men for a second. Yes. Okay. We love men. My favorite topic. You have said. There are two types of men.

Okay. What are the two types of men that you believe exist? Was it in context of fidelity? Yes. Okay. Well, I said, and I'm happy to. I stand on this hill, by the way. So I would say is it's two types of men.

There are some men that are completely monogamous and loyal to their wife. They pick one woman, regardless of the treatment, regardless of the sexual interaction, regardless of how the relationship is going. They are monogamous and faithful to her. They are committed to making it work. They will tolerate anything or not tolerate anything, but they will make it work regardless. If they pick well, fantastic. If they don't pick well, it's a bit of an uphill battle, but they'll stay loyal to that.

And they might be 25 years in except all sorts of misbehavior, but they'll still loyal to their wife. There's other types of men who are loyal to the woman they fell in love with. What that man will do is he'll fall madly in love with this woman. And while he's in love with this woman, he is entirely monogamous. And because she's caring, loving, gives him sex, beautiful, whatever it is that made him fall in. love. He's super loyal in that moment. As she no longer is the woman that he fell in love with, he's open to polygamy. He's open to cheating because he's searching for love, not just commitment. So when she changes, like if she's gained a lot of way, if she's no longer giving him sex,

there's no longer giving him attention, kids have come in the way and she no longer is the woman that he married. He's open to strain. He'll still be committed to her, but he's open to strain because he's still trying to find the woman that he fell in love with. As a married man, Do you agree or disagree with what that two types of men thing is? I see everything as a scale. Yes. And I'm the opposite. I'm like, you're in general life.

You're very binary. Yeah, very binary. Right. But I see it all on a scale. Yeah. And I see how we evolve. Yes. Right.

Over time. How, like, I am entirely different than that guy. And that photo over there. With the pages. With the pages. You know what I mean? Yeah. With the fake goal.

chain, fake gold Rolex watch, right? Very different from that guy. But I didn't just go from one to two. Right. I went from one to one point one, one point two, one point three, one point four. So I see it as a scale. Yes. And I think that's probably more logical way to see it. The thing is, it's so easy to be a guy that is just loyal to his wife when you pick right wisely. I think selection will enable you to become the guy that's in the middle. You know what? Can I say, I think the number one reason for divorce is because we're with the wrong partners. That's so simple. Yeah, you pick wisely and then being loyal to the cause is a fantastic trait. You pick terribly, being loyal to the cause is pathetic. Yes. Yeah. And similarly, if you pick well, like if she changes, you're okay with,

because you choose somebody that, if they change 10, 20%, it's not the end of the world. Right. But if you pick somebody, if they change you in 1%, you're going to no longer love them, you're picking wrong. So right selection will lead you to become a man that's got the right values. We're on the same page. We're on the same page. Does your wife make it easy for you to be a guy number one who's just lawyer to the wife. Oh my gosh. You know, it's one of these where I, I mean,

I feel like I lucked up. Yeah. But then at the same time, what I realize is that thank God my parents and different people around me like my uncle, etc. taught me. They showed me what healthy love looks like.

Oh, praise me to God. Very lucky. Yeah. To be in a partnership, to be a man. Yeah. You know, in a relationship,

to be a father. You know, and so I saw that. So when I got into that relationship, well, one is I was able to, I think, understand that I need to have someone who does share my values. Yeah. I need to have someone who I do have a level of physical attraction to. I need to have someone who we can manage conflict. Yes. Because I remember that's what we were doing early on when we were dating is we were figuring out can we resolve conflict. Yeah. But most importantly, what I saw was that life was so much better with my own. then girlfriend. Yes. Everything was better.

It's so much better, isn't it? It's just so much better. The predictability, the stability, the sounding bored to all of your thoughts. It's a really wonderful experience. Again, I feel really bad saying it because I don't mean to be on a high horse or anything like that because I know how difficult it is to find someone. But if you can find them, you don't want to go back on the market. Trust me, just because somebody else is a bit hotter or somebody else is a bit younger,

you don't want to go back on the market. It's not that easy to find that. It's not. It's not. So if you're a young man, you watch. Actually, a man of any age. watching this and you're single. Yeah.

And you'd like to be in a relationship, you'd like to be in a committed relationship. What do you advise him to do? Selection is the only thing that would determine whether or not you have a good relationship. And what predetermines your selection is your self-esteem. So if you have high self-esteem, your number one thing is you'll select women that want you. Where men get it wrong is that they forget that women just are very binary when it comes

to this. They either like you or they don't. It's very, very simple. Where men get it wrong is they pick women in the women that don't like you category and try and buy their love or try and convince her to want him. And then when she finally gets him, he thinks he's like the cat the quote, like, who got all the prizes. He thinks he's so proud of himself.

When really having to convince and beg is poor selection in itself. So my number one advice to men is forget women who are not into you. Just they're a waste of your time. Focus on the women that are. into you, select wisely amongst those. I don't compromise on attract, right? But the underlying thing is how much she's invested into you and how much she loves you. After you've chosen from women that like you, have a look at their moral compass before you. So what was the best predictor of future relationships, unfortunately is past relationships? What was her relationship like before you?

Were they very chaotic, very, very disruptive, was there a lot of infidelity? Have a look at it. No one's going to be perfect. Absolutely no one's going to be perfect. But if she engaged, in behaviours that you believe were non-negotiables. You believe that maybe she did some things or she had a pattern or something that you believe is a non-negotiable. Maybe she was really disrespectful, whatever it was. If it's a non-negotiable and she really likes you, still is not going to work. But if she likes you a lot and her previous relationships and her previous patterns are shown that she has mistakes like everybody else, but it's not non-negotiable. She made a few mistakes. It's never a non-negotiable. It's not something that's going to break

down the relationship. That's your woman. You believe men should be married. You believe there's strong, benefits to having a wife. Absolutely. There's strong benefits to the values of marriage, not just being married. If your man just enters marriage but then behaves like an unmarried man, there's no point you're being married. But the values behind marriage, which is a compromise, understanding a woman, understanding how to be a father, understanding how to look after children, setting boundaries is very, very important in being a married man, expressing your genuine feedback to your woman,

not being scared of what she has to say, not being terrified of this woman and her reaction. being a true married man in a real marriage sense is incredibly beneficial. As long as you are inauthentically yourself in that marriage, you are leading in the right direction and you have incredible self-control. Being a married man that's just a puppy to his wife, who is afraid to tell her what he really thinks, who just follows her around like a lost cause and then lives a separate life behind her back because he's so secretly resents her, there's no point you're being married. You're getting nothing from this. You're just getting a shared accommodation, but you're not getting anything else. So the true values of marriage, I think benefit men more than they do anyone else. And the

reason being is men have a lack of circle where they can express themselves and be themselves. They don't really have, like, you know, intimate conversations with their fellow friends or this, they don't have that circle. So when they can create an environment in their home where they can express themselves, they can give honest feedback, oh, I didn't like the dinner today, can you try it again next time with this? Or they can say, look, we haven't had sex in a while? Can you please that? Can we do something about this. When they can be their honest, true self, authentic self, it's an outlet like no other. Yeah, because they can't do it anywhere else. We as women have the luxury of doing it even on social media if we wanted to. We could just express ourselves or whatever we want. We're so lucky

in that regard. Men just don't have that. So if they can create a safe space in their home, they'll never want to leave it. When if they're always trying to get out of the house, always trying to leave, always trying to leave their wife, their home is not a safe space. So they really need to learn to cultivate that in order to have a good life. What Saudi just said is going to rub a lot of people the wrong way, but it's the truth. And it doesn't just apply to men. It applies to women as well. And what I've learned in all of the coaching and counseling I've done is that the higher standards we have, in other words, the higher boundaries we have, the higher quality of life we have.

And it's very important to put those boundaries in place. Because if you don't, you will turn even well-intentioned partners into belief. What does that mean? That means understanding what your values are and making sure that you understand what is acceptable and unacceptable to you based on those values. And remember, if you can't speak that,

if you can't be your own self-advocate, no one will. So it's important for you to know your values, use your values to create your boundaries, and hold to those. Otherwise, I promise you, you will turn even well-intentioned partners into bullies.

What do you, and you've actually suggested some of these already, but what do you believe if you're, you're dating, okay, right now, what are men's biggest red flags? Yeah, I have spoken about this a lot before, but what I would say is, firstly, look at their relationship with their parents and look at their relationship with their father, more than anything else. A lot of people will say, you just have to look at the relationship with his mother. As you treats his mother, right, he's going to be amazing to you. actually no is their relationship with masculinity that is far more important in their marriage than

anything else now if they have a father figure some men are unfortunately with fathers that they don't respect but they didn't generalize that to masculinity overall they didn't generally be like you know men can be so cruel women are victims they just had a dislike to their father but they still remained relatively objective when it comes to many women that's totally fine but if he has this really negative view of his father never accessed his father because mom never allowed it or whatever it is or just thinks really low of his father and just has a really negative relationship with it. What happens is their introduction to masculinity is negative. As a result, they start to replicate what their mother taught them in the home in relationships. And usually

mothers, what they want out of their sons is obedience, respect, follow orders, and, you know, just, and they trust their mother blindly. They don't vet your mom when you're trusting your mom. You just accept what she has to say. That man, when he goes into relationships, he thinks women love obedience. They think women love somebody who just follows orders. They think women love a guy that just trusts them blindly. So what happens is he forgets what women are actually sexually attracted to because he learned what women like through the lens of his mom. He didn't watch mom and dad's interaction and learn anything from that. He just learned from mom. And as a result, he goes into relationships weaker and you don't want that because eventually you will get frustrated with him.

It will be like an extra child. So look at his relationship with men and look at his relationship with his father first and foremost. This is actually one of the things I found most fascinating is you're positioning on attractive women. Yes. Okay. Do you think that it's hard, actually, what is an attractive woman? Here's what I would say true attraction is, is that their beauty can surpass their demographics. And what I mean by that is some girls are really beautiful in their area. Some girls are only beautiful to men of the same race. Some girls are only beautiful to the men of the same age. Truly attractive is universal. It's something that we can put on a billboard in every country Gucci campaign across the world. Everybody will stop and look when it's a particular supermodel.

It's universal. So I think true highly attractive, not to everybody can be attractive, but hyper attractive is when it's universally appealing across demographics. Age, race, gender, most people can universally agree this person would cause me to stop scrolling and pay attention. That's what it's not just your culture. It's not just your, you know, you know, race or your age, everybody can agree. Would you agree with that? That's true attraction. That's truly high level of attraction. Is that just physicality or they're behavioral traits in there too? You know, I would say, look, essentially, when I first started social media, my motivator was I'm so bored of seeing beautiful women who I don't know what their voice is like. I'm so bored of just seeing

beautiful girls, endlessly, I don't even, I can't tell you what their voice sounds like because they don't talk, they just post pictures of them online in sexy outfits and yet they got a million followers. I was bored of that and I was just like, oh God, I really can't see this on my feed anymore. So part of me was like, I just want to know what they talk about. What that taught me is you actually don't need a personality to be seen as attractive because there's girls with a million followers who have not released one thing about their personality online. I've never seen them speak about anything and they make millions of brand deals. So I do think we'd like to believe it's a very much personality linked, it helps, of course, elegance, class, speaking, all that helps.

But just look at the average influencer. Sometimes they talk rubbish and they still have endless brand deals and endless followers. So I think it's idealistic to think that personality matters as much when it comes to attractive. Objective of beauty is objective beauty. Wow, objective. So what is it specifically do you think that men, sort of saying heterosexual men, what are they most attracted to in women? I think one thing that they really attract.

to is women being attracted to them. So all she has to be is an attractive woman, and if she gives them a glimmer of hope that she likes him, automatically she's a supermodel in their eyes. So I do think reciprocity is like that. But generally speaking, men have different types. They come in different terms blonde, blue eyes. It can be a curvy bruner. It can be all different types. So I don't want to speak on behalf of what all men find attractive. But I genuinely think all men generally find attractive is an element of beauty with sex appeal. Too much beauty with no sex appeal is Nice, but they won't stay interested. Too much sex appeal with no beauty. Again, nice, but

it's replaceable. It's a combination of beauty with some element of sex appeal. Now, that can come from the inner personality, their aura or so-and-so, but they need that in equal measure in order for them to be truly mesmerized by a woman. Can you answer that for me? Would you men find attractive? Okay. Yeah, I think it's the sliding scale. Again, it is. You know, there's so many different elements to it. I like what you're talking about with regard to beauty. sex appeal and there's a combination. I think also there's, you know, you have the sapio-sexuals out there that want to be intellectually stimulated. You have others that double down on the physicality. You know, it's interesting. When I first saw my wife, there were two things that

truly brought me, like pulled me in. One was just, I was just looking at her and it was a very hourglass shaped and I feel like I'm predispositioned to a nice butt. So I was like, okay, I like what's happening here. But then immediately after, we were in this, we were like in this pre-college program. But it was a program where everyone in this small group had to take a test. And we walk in. So we had taken a test before. We walk in and they're handing out the scores.

She had scored the highest in the group. Oh, beautiful. I was like, oh, my gosh. She was brilliant. Do men like intelligence? Like, you know, because, I mean, I get lots of nice comments and stuff. But when I speak to men and actually see who they're madly in love with, It will be some bimbo that they met and they're just manly.

Like, you know, I find like men with low self-esteem are just so excited to have a beautiful woman. Whether she has a brain cell or not is not relevant. Whereas when men with high self-esteem, they get beautiful women anyway. Yeah. And thank you for qualifying that. Yeah. Because you were like, our men, I was like, of course, men are interested in intelligence. But I think self-esteem makes a big difference.

It is. It is. I mean, ultimately, I think this is the common theme, no matter what gender, etc. is self-esteem are well-being. Yeah. You know, and the higher that well-being, the higher quality that enters our life. And also, it's interesting, like the higher well-being, it's the higher the fences. Yes.

In order to jump into our life. The lower the well-being, the lower the fence. Everyone gets in. I would agree. I think it takes a level of high self-esteem to go for something beyond looks in a woman. And I would hope most men can see how important it is to do that. Yes, yeah. But let's say, looks are important.

They are important. Absolutely. Looks are important. And so I put a lot, I know I talk a lot about this. I do say, because sometimes people say to me, why do you wear makeup? And that's it because I respect myself. Why wouldn't I wear makeup? Why should I just be an intelligent woman and nothing else? You as a woman can be, you know, well put together. You can look after your hair and nails and all those things. It shouldn't be either or for some reason. I felt like when I came online, they wanted me to

either just be a plain Jane and then talk really, like, about these things or like not talk about these things and just stick to hair and makeup and all these things. As a woman, you can definitely have both if you prioritize both. I still take a lot pride in my parents and I think you should never stop that because essentially as an element of self-respect, I do encourage women to get to the gym, look after themselves, put a bit of makeup on, look after yourself only because you will feel better about yourself. You would genuinely feel better. People will treat you nicer. It's just a nicer experience in general when you are fulfilling your potential. All right, fair, fair. Can we say one more thing about attractive women? I know they're going to say, stop in a second, but I

I only have two more questions. No, no, please. Two more questions. Is on this attractive women front is you have said in the past that men react negatively. Yes. To attractive women. Yes. Why is that?

Men automatically go in two directions when they see a beautiful woman. They either go in awe or they go into hostility. It's one or the other. And when they're self-esteem is super, super low. And they're really low about themselves. they immediately want to reject her before she can reject him. They want to find reasons to kind of get rid of their attraction because they know they have this attraction.

Chances are it's not going to be reciprocated. So they have to get rid of it. And the quickest way to get rid of it is pretend you're not interested. Have to make fun of her appearance. Tell her something about her age. Tell her something about this. They have to somehow obliterate her self-esteem in order for them to make sense of why they're so attracted to her, but get rid of it because they don't want to face the rejection.

So I think men can go in two directions and they definitely make negative assessment. about beautiful women when they have low self-esteem. The number one assumption is that she's going to be promiscuous. Another assumption is she's going to be dumb and other assumptions she's going to be manipulative. They make more and more negative assumptions about beautiful women, mainly because they've never had access to them. When you have access to beautiful women all the time, you realize that there's no real difference between them and the average girl like. They can be similar. They can be dissimilar. We're all human. But their negative perception shows that they haven't had enough access. And as a result, they feel the need to discourage it.

Wow. How do women react to attractive women? They can go in, again, two directions. Very similar. They can either pedestal, want to look like, I want to be like, I want to be everything like it. It's kind of like the Kardashian effect. You've either become a woman that's like invested in all the surgeries and looks exactly like her and stuff, or you absolutely hate them. And what I find with women, when it comes to attractive women, even the women that say that they're girls' girls, women will always side with the woman that they find least threatening looks wise. Yeah, that's it. So what I mean by this is,

for example, I'll post a video and a girl might insult me endlessly in my comments. And then if I just say, well, answer back, they're like, oh, how can you answer her back? You're so rude to, they side with the person at least threatened by. And as a result, any interaction you have as a beautiful woman with another woman, automatically women will side with the person that is least attractive because she's least of a threat, and so therefore they're more on her team. So they do this in general. They do this in general. They always side with women that they least threatened by. High self-esteem women are not threatened. by attractive women. As a result, when they see an attractive woman online, they either scroll past because they're not interested or they support because they are not threatened. When they have

low self-esteem, they have to somehow or another take something away from her. Have to. And in my particular case, what they've done in my particular case is if they can't take away from anything, what they'll do is if they can't take away from the message because they're not intellectually apt enough, or if they can't intellectual take away from my looks because that's to obviously a sign of being jealous, they'll somehow go for my qualifications or my culture. They'll go for something that is intangible, something that we can't actually measure in some way, shape, or form just to kind of bring you down rather than just keep it scrolling if you don't agree with it. So I found women in particular to be the most difficult, but then also when I meet them

in person, they're the nicest. So it's either all. It's either all. You know what's so interesting is because the last topic I wanted to talk about was jealousy among women. And I think you've just described that as well. Yeah. So, you know. Do you men experience jealousy with other men or not as much? You know, yes. Yes.

But ultimately it goes back, I believe it goes back to what you're talking about in terms of self-worth. Yeah. And self-esteem. You know, I've noticed, it's interesting. I feel like I have some of my friends are very compelling. Yeah. For physically, you know, maybe professionally. etc. And I do see how people treat them. Yeah. And I see some people just shrink in their presence.

And I could see those would be the people online that may want to pick at them. Then others are just like, all right, whatever. Whatever. That's a great way to put it. It's shrinking in somebody's presence that makes you create that. Because look, if you have high self-esteem, being around charismatic peoples just enhances your connection. But when you don't, you can shrink in your presence. And I think that breeds the resentment. And but can I just also. I'm asking it from men. Do men get jealous of other men based on looks or based on money more and status more? What triggers their jealousy the most? Yeah, I would, one is I haven't read research on this, but I think it would go back to esteem. And it would go back to esteem. And then I would imagine it goes to esteem and then what you lack in.

Yeah. So low esteem. You don't feel fulfilled in how much money you're making. Then of course it's going to be the income that's going to make you feel a certain way. But I think jealousy is a great experience because it tells you what you want and tells me what you're lacking. So if you're jealous of somebody because of how well they're spoken, because a lot of people are like, they'll try and come at me for the way that my accent even. Interesting. What do they say about your accent? Oh, she just thinks because she's got British accent, she's so smart or she just thinks she's so smart. If that's triggering you, work on that in yourself. If that's triggering you, if it's triggering you to see a woman that's being well spoken or whatever it is, work on that in yourself. If it's triggering your back appearance, maybe work on that.

whatever you're jealous of, not me, just in general in life, whether it's people's cars or luxuries or whatever it is. Firstly, assess what you're jealous of. Like, is this worth being jealous of? Is it really worth being jealous of a girl that gets a Rolex from a man? Is not really something to be jealous of? But if it is, then work when achieving it rather than resenting those that access it. Yes. Can I ask you? Yes. A very serious question. Yeah. In this conversation, which I have thoroughly, myself as well, thoroughly enjoyed, there's, I always look for commonalities. Yes. I think that's the analyst in me. Right. And one through line that I've seen is you've referenced how people have commented negatively

attacked you. Yes. How do you feel about that pressure? Do you, I mean, do you feel hurt by the comments that you received? Weirdly, I'm always interested rather than hurt. I'm always intrigued more than I am hurt. I've always been somebody who is very well at taking insults more so than compliments. I think what happened is I worked in a boys school when I was 21 years old. So I was like 21 years old working with 18-year-old boys and they would just harassed like all day, every day, Missouri or so this year. So what happened is I became numb to compliments.

I started to dislike them because they were coming from students and kids. So I just hated compliments. But criticisms were something I could actually look into. Now, when they're constructive, I find it really useful. Like some people will say, oh, you're generalising, you're bit binary. I'm like, oh, yeah, I am. I like that. Like maybe that's a good thing that I'm like though.

Or maybe it's terrible. but at least I know that. But I find it interesting when they focus on something that is not constructive. So I wonder what I'm igniting in them. And that's one of the reasons why I talk a lot about psychological colonialism, but they're angry at me for not thinking the same way as them. And I do relate it to an underlying, I don't mean to use the word racist in a bad way, but it's an underlying of inability to see things from a different cultural perspective

or a different human perspective because you're so used to one narrative. So I'm always, I like the insults and I like the tools because it reveals something about the zeitgeist at the moment. And I use that to inform my future content and inform my future understanding. And that's where some of my kind of understanding of human nature comes from. Sadi, I want to say that you are phenomenal. Oh, thank you. Your voice is important. I think your voice is needed now more than never.

As we've talked about today, we don't agree with all things. But it doesn't mean I don't agree with you. And I don't support you. and I don't cheer lead for you. I think you're in the first second of your five minutes. God willing. Yes, I think you're in the first second. And I think that what you were going to do is you're going to make a significant impact on this world.

You already have. But I think that impact hasn't even begun to be felt yet. And so I thank you. No, thank you so much. I thank you. Can I ask just a final one? Because I saw just a moment, I felt the emotion. Only because sometimes what you were saying was making me a bit sad.

Not sad, emotional. It was making me emotional. Because I don't take a minute to kind of absorb what was going on. And especially when it comes from somebody I really admire as well. And I get like shy when I hear compliments. But I think it's starting to sink in that maybe there is something in the message that I thought was just a bit of fun, but it's starting to sink in. And I'm very grateful that you managed to capture that.

All right. That's fair. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much for having me. Every episode, I'm going to give you my top takeaways from the conversation in an effort to make your life more fulfilling and your relationships stronger. So here are the three that stood out to me today.

Number one, a strong partner communicates their needs, clearly, offers love and support and strikes a healthy balance. On the other hand, a lack of boundaries or overly rigid ones are red flags and can hinder a relationship's success. Number two, when choosing a partner, Sadia believes you should look for someone whose values truly align with yours, rather than simply focusing on the superficial looks of a person. She also suggests that the way someone sets and maintains their boundaries are elements you should look at closely when choosing a partner. Number three, developing healthy boundaries and self-control is crucial for lasting, fulfilling relationships.

Sadia stresses the importance of practicing self-discipline, especially when it comes to managing finances and regulating one's emotions. Thanks so much for tuning in. I hope you got as much out of this conversation as I did. Much love and respect.