We Need To Talk with Paul C. Brunson - The Lessons That Stuck With Me... We’re Talking Best Advice for 2026

Episode Date: January 8, 2026

Paul reflects on the conversations that stayed with him most - the moments, lessons and advice that genuinely changed how he shows up in his relationships. From the Gottmans on how to pause an argument before it spirals, to Jordan Stephens on masculinity and emotional regulation, Dr Julie Smith on realistic self-care, and the letters that moved us most with Tyler West, Scott Galloway and Paul himself, this episode brings together the wisdom that matters. This is a reflective, emotional and practical conversation about love, conflict, fatherhood and connection - and how small shifts can make a big difference in the year ahead. We’re Talking: Real Advice for 2026 (00:00) Intro (00:28) The Gottmans Break Down 'Flooding' in an Argument and How to Resolve It (07:05) Jordan Stephens on Masculinity and Emotional Regulation (10:49) Dr Julie Smith Demonstrates How to Achieve Better Self-Care (17:10) Tyler West Reads a Letter From His Brother (20:39) Scott Galloway Reads a Letter From His Son (23:07) Paul Reads a Letter From His Son (24:24) Paul’s Final Thoughts Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Good sleep is everything. That's why Ali's science back support is made with a blend of melatonin and L-thianine for both kiddos and grown-ups. So when your mind won't switch off, you've got something that can help. Erasing thoughts and restless nights won't stand a chance. Find Ollie's sleep solutions for the whole family at ali.com. That's O-L-L-L-Y.com. Hello and welcome to We're Talking. We've had some incredible conversations, and as we look to the new year, I've been thinking about the lessons

insights and advice that has stuck with me the most. First up is one of my favorite couples, the Gottman's and the power of the cool down. Julie, you mentioned contempt, and I know that often predicts the demise of relationship. So what are the four horsemen, in particular, why is contempt so alarming, so disturbing? Well, let's start with the first one, which is criticism.

Okay. Criticism means blaming a problem between you on a personality flaw of your partner. So that's, you're so lazy, you're so selfish, you're so thoughtless, what's the matter with you? You always or you never, those are also criticisms because they imply a personality flaw. Contempt, as you bring up, is the worst. It's sulfuric acid for a relationship. Incidentally, it also destroys the immune system. So the number of times, for example, in one of these conflict conversations in the lab, that a person hears contempt predicts how many infectious illnesses they're going to have in the next four years. Goodness. Yep.

Destroyes the immune system. Isn't that incredible? That's incredible. We know the mechanism because Ron Glazer is a human system. and Jan Kierko Klazer actually took small bits of blood from newlywed couples who were arguing. And they're secreting cortisol and adrenaline. And that predicted divorce over a 10-year period. And Ron Glazer was an immunologist who studied the immune system in those drops of blood.

And the immune system plummeted, even in that half an hour. That half an hour. That's an hour. So if you're in a relationship with a partner who is, contention with critical literally your physical health is being is in jeopardy is in jeopardy that's right is it being sap oh my goodness is that incredible that is incredible

you know we could be talking just like this you know just looking just fine and relaxed yes but in conflict a heart rate is going up over a hundred beats a minute is this flooding yes this is flooding this is flooding and you know another phrase for that is fight or flight. People are going into fight or flight. And when you're in that state, you receive less blood to the prefrontal cortex, and that area of the brain is what controls good decision-making, creative thinking, being able to problem-solve, being able to listen

accurately and really take in what the other person is saying. Instead, your partner could be saying, honey, I really love you. And you're hearing, you are ugly, you know. That's what's happening when you're flooded. I think this is controversial. Not everybody agrees with me, but I think men have more trouble self-soothing than women do. If they take a break from the conflict, they're really thinking about it and thinking about what they should say and they stay aroused as a result of it. Okay. And I think it comes from my evolutionary history. as protectives of the tribe and cooperative hunters were good at maintaining vigilance and high arousal,

whereas women really needed to have the milk letdown response to feed infants, and that requires being able to self-soothe. And relax. That's my take on the gender differences. So if we are flooded, how do we self-suit that? Okay. So here's what you do. Okay. So, first of all, the minute you sense that you're getting flooded or maybe there's flooding going on with the other person, you ask to take a break and you say when you'll come back to discuss it again.

Because if you don't do that, your partner may feel rejected, abandoned, maybe they'll never get back to it, and so on. So that doesn't work. You've got to say when you'll come back. I'll be back in an hour. Also, don't think about the fight. That is the secret. As John pointed out, as long as you keep thinking about it, you stay physiologically aroused.

But the minute you pick up a magazine and read it, or you go to the gym and work out, or you meditate, or you read a book, or you listen to music, you play music, anything that really takes your mind off the fight. Okay, is play with the dog, play with the kids. That's what you need to do. And then you come back at the designated time and continue the conversation. Now, if you're not calm enough, ask for more time.

I need another hour. Right. And the minimum amount of the time of breaks should live. last is 20 to 30 minutes. Minimum. Minimum. Takes that long for the body to start metabolizing the stress hormones that have, you know, flooded your blood system.

The maximum is 24 hours. Okay. And what's the best way to tell that you're flooded? You're repeating yourself. Louder. You think you're more persuasive. You say the same thing over again. Louder.

I said no. I said no. Right. That's a play. You know what I love about this, too, is it destroys what I believe is one of the greatest myths that exist in arguing. And that is never go to bed, angry. That's right. That's right.

Isn't that rubbish? That's so bad. Yeah, especially being in the UK. Isn't that... It's possible. This is, we always hear it. And I say, but it doesn't make sense. No, no.

Go to bed and get a good night's sleep. and then approach it in the morning. And don't try and resolve it late at night. Yeah. Because you're too tired. You can't do it. You don't have the brain power. Taking a break long enough from a disagreement

for the nervous system to regulate and then returning to the conversation with renewed energy. Simple but transformative. Next up is Jordan Stevens and his own theory on emotional regulation and the masculinity crisis. Do you feel like there is actually a kind of crisis

in terms of men being able to be honest about how they're feeling about life and society in the West. Oh, absolutely. I think all over the world, you know, we have a challenge around identifying what the emotion is. Yeah. And what I notice, and I do this with a lot of the television shows, it's funny enough, I was filming, I guess I can say it, I was filming me. married at first sight yesterday and there was a gentleman that I was working with and I asked him I said to tell me what emotion do you have in this moment right now as as you sit with your wife what emotion is it he he he had no words and he he wasn't armed to be able to articulate the words he doesn't know what an

emotion is yeah so I said if if you can cannot tell me what the emotion is. You can't tell me what the feeling is. Therefore, you definitely can't tell me what your partner's emotion is. And you definitely can't tell me what your partner's feeling is. If you can't tell me what your partner's is, then you can't hold space for them. That means you can't connect with them. It's like the most important thing. It is. And you said it. It is. It is. Do we start like a heartbreak high or, you know, just some space where you, where we can just in getting, why at school is that not the utmost priority to be, I think it's one hour a week in the UK, PSC, personal social education, one hour a week, well, when I went, I'm thinking

that all children and young people need to understand is how they feel, how they engage with people interpersonally every day of their lives. Yes, and this would, and I bet you you feel the same, this will definitely get us both into trouble, but I'll say it, so it'll get me into trouble, is trigonometry. Yeah. When I was in ice. You used that today, right? Yeah, I was going to say, I have not used trigonometry. Oh, what?

Since I was, but yet. Acute angles, though. Yeah, no, we, I have no idea. I don't even know what trigonometry. Yeah. It's like it is, it is almost pointless. Yeah. If not pointless.

Yeah. Right. However, being able to identify your emotion, feeling is everything. Yeah. In life. Everything. Everything. Like I'm saying, this is what spins me out.

The basis. of these huge political, social, economic shifts is a human being. Yes. Like a human that is feeling something and that feeling is a part of their fucking decision. Yes. Sometimes I look at the House of Commons.

Yes. And they're talking about this massive change in policy. Well, someone's fucking asleep. I definitely want them to be awake. Like when, do you know what I mean? Like, how are we not like, like, if it's down to me, They'd be having, you know, therapy is a note that you, that is, you're in therapy, 100%.

If you're making decisions about my whole country, I want to know what you're eating, how many hours you're sleeping, and who you're talking to. Yes. Like, these not are getting pissed at the bar and passing out in the, so like we need to reengage with that very fabric of our society of putting so much, like, how much better would decisions be if we were emotionally regulated when we made them? That's all I'm asking. Yeah, yeah. And this is the reason why I think these conversations are so important. My mind also turns to the advice Dr. Julie Smith gave me about self-care. Yeah, so when we talk about the idea of the kind of value system,

that there are lots of different areas of your life that might matter to you, and they all take time, effort and commitment to kind of keep them up. And when we talk about the stuff you put in each box, when you're writing out the values exercise, it's the kind of person you want to be and the way you want to show up. But I think we've got a junk over there, haven't we, with the time? We do. We do.

So for everyone listening, we have basically five cups. The center cup is you. And then we have another cup of new that represents new projects, new stuff in our lives. We have one cup for family, one cup for romantic. So all of our romance and then one cup for friends. Yeah. So five cups. So if we kind of maybe fill this one, and then that could.

represent the fact that you only have a limited amount of capacity, a limited amount of time and energy and effort to put into the different areas of your life. And you don't have enough to fill every cup. So you can't give all of yourself to everything. And actually, even if you give all of yourself to one thing, there's going to be nothing left for you either. So when you look at the kind of the value stuff, The reason it can't be a path to self-criticism is because you have to recognize there's only a limited amount of you to go around.

And lots of things can matter to you at the same time. So it's this balancing act of where am I needed at the moment and what matters to me most at the moment and where is my duty, where is my responsibility and where do I want to be and that kind of thing. Okay. So what do we do? Where do we do? Well, let's say, I mean, we were looking at. this before, let's say, you know, you've got a family, so that, oh God, am I going to be able to so let's say that, you know, that demands a certain amount of non-negotiable you. Yes.

You know, effort and time, as does your partner. Yes. And you've got this kind of new project that you want to start up, which is, you know, a new health regime or, you know, exercise and stuff. Yeah. But already, though, I have, I don't even have, do I have enough for me? No, no. Yeah. And let's say, well, your friends are like going, we haven't seen you, in months come out. You know, one of our friends. Oh no, don't get many to the friends. Don't give me any to the friends.

You know, it's very quickly, visually, easy to see that you can't do it all perfectly all of the time. And that's okay. That's not because there's anything wrong with you. You're human. You're the same as everybody else.

There's only a limited amount of effort you can give to everything. And so, but it's changeable right so let's say you know one of your friends really really needs you so maybe you don't go out for that family dinner this week you go and see your friend who's really in desperate need so we give them a bit extra this time and then and then actually that situation changes and and you've got some time now to focus on that new health project you're going to do and so but you can't stay empty for long so you know maybe next week you say oh I'm going to go out with my friends

and your partner says, yeah, that's great, that's fine. But don't be gone long. Come back. And so, or maybe, you know, someone says, I'll take care of the kids tonight. You guys go out together. And so this whole, it's just this constantly moving, kind of fluid set of values that you're,

it's okay to be juggling them. And I know we were saying earlier that that could generate so much anxiety because often it generates anxiety when you expect yourself. to have every cup full all of the time. Yes. But as soon as we acknowledge that it won't be that way, then you can start playing around with balancing the balance. That's brilliant, but I noticed you did something in this,

which is very intriguing to me, is you maintained the you cup. So once you've poured out from the you cup, you didn't continue pouring. No. And I'd like to say I'd do that. You know, that was on purpose and I do that all the time. But in reality, we don't, right? We say, oh, we haven't got like a work thing, but let's put work into new. Let's say, like, oh, you've got a book going on.

Oh, no. And actually, but we need to focus on the kids. So let's make sure it's just work on kids for now. It's okay to do that some of the time, isn't it, right? For the minute, there's just these couple of things that really matter. Yes. And we haven't got capacity for anything else at the moment. As long as we know that that's temporary and we will rebalance when we can.

Okay. That's why I do these values exercises for myself fairly often. And sometimes it's just to recalibrate and work out, okay, where am I at? And where do I want to be that might be different to that? Yes. You know what I love about this is it goes against this phrase that we hear all the time. And that is you cannot pour from an empty cup. Yeah.

And I think what that refers to is your cup. So clearly, in this example, there's nothing left in the you cup. So you're right, I can't pour from that. Yeah. But I can borrow from other cups. Yeah. And that, yeah, brilliant exercise. Yeah, yeah.

And I guess sometimes that involves things like, you know, if it was the, you put loads of, you know, effort into your relationship, but you had no me time and you've been putting loads of stuff into, you know, effort into work. It's saying, I know you really want to, you know, spend every evening together, really feel like I need some time to do something for myself or go and start exercising or whatever it might be. So sometimes it means asking. for that, doesn't it? And saying, or saying, I need to take a bit of time.

But that gives me something else to bring back later on. Yes. So it's always that kind of negotiation. You're always, always back and forth, always back and forth. You said this place was steps from the water. We just haven't found the steps yet. How much did we save? Enough.

Enough to get lost. Or you could book a stay with Hilton. Welcome to your oceanfront room. Just steps from the water. The Hilton sale is on now. Book on Hilton.com or the Hilton app and save up to 20% to get the stay you expected. When you want savings, not surprises.

It matters where you stay. Hilton, for the stay. USAA knows dynamic duos can save the day, like superheroes and sidekicks or auto and home insurance. With USAA, you can bundle your auto and home and save up to 10%. Tap the banner to learn more and get a quote at usa.com slash bundle. Restrictions apply. I'm a huge advocate for writing letters as it's one of the most profound ways to access

emotion and express it to the people you love. Has your brother ever written you a letter? No. No. That's interesting. You know why? Why? I got this point.

This is a letter from Lewis. He didn't even write me a birthday card last year. Oh, really? What is this? If you could read that out loud for us. It says, uh, tie my hero. Okay, deep breath before you read this. You know how emotional you get.

See? Oh, geez, Paul, ma'am. You know how emotional you get? And I'm already crying right in it. So we're both in danger here. Honestly, this whole moment feels wild. Not only am I writing you an actual letter, my first one, I think,

but you're reading it in front of Paul. Someone we've both admired for so many years. The universe is crazy. Thank you, bro, for creating these moments. moments. Ty, let me start by saying thank you. Thank you for being the person who bright up every room when you don't feel like your bright self. Thank you for your humour, your kindness, and for cracking us up for all the moments that make no sense. Thank you for being my little brother, big brother, you know, I'm told him. But also the person who's taught me more about strength

and resilience than any book or quote ever could. Spire me and so many others every single day in ways you probably don't even realise. I'm so grateful for you. your support, your laughter, your ability to make even the hardest days feel a little lighter, especially on those ice vanilla latte days. Those lean cups for me are the truest form of therapy. I tell most people have no idea how much weight you carry day to day. I just want to remind you to go easier on yourself. You don't have to hold everything together all the time. It's completely okay to pause, breathe and take a step back. On the days where you question your worth or wonder if you're on the right path. Please remember this. You are loved, respected and admired. Not because of what you do,

but because of who you are. I love you, bro. Keep dreaming and never stop being you. P.S. Blake says Wang Unks. My little nephew, Blake. Oh man. Jeez, whoa, they just floated from the first line right there. That was a beautiful, beautiful letter. That's from Lewis. That's incredible. You know what, it's growing up, I always said to Lewis in every birthday card that I've ever written, I've always said, bro, you're my idol, you're my hero. So then when he put, you're my hero, that's why immediately somebody was chopping onions in here. And obviously, a couple of tears came out right there. That is, I want to get that back to you.

That's amazing. So you started every letter for him, you're my hero. Yeah, every birthday card, Christmas guy, I'm like, oh, bro, you're my idol. I always mentioning it, you're my idol, ma'am, you're my hero. because he also we didn't have the easiest start growing up. And I feel like he was going for it at a different age. He's five years old than me. He was at a different age.

And he would remember a lot more hurt and a lot of myself. Whereas I was a lot younger at the time. So I couldn't process it. Yes. I have a surprise for you. All right. You ready for it? Yeah.

What will you do? Read this for you. me. All right. It's very mysterious. It's not from the woman who doesn't like it. It's not from her. Dear Scott, you are so full of shit that you are around you is brown.

Scott, you're not helping. So am I supposed to read this? Yes, please. Oh my gosh. Hey, Dad, I just want to write a little shout out to you since it's near Thanksgiving, you know. I was from my kids. I know what you're doing here.

I thought I would say that I'm thankful to have you. I love how supportive you are. to me and my hobbies, whether that's trying to start some online business. So I'm not comfortable reading. It's out loud, but I appreciate it. I'm just not comfortable reading out loud. You don't have to read this one the other, but I want you to do. Oh, God, I can't handle another one.

Come on, brother. This is unfair. This is from my other son. Yeah, beautiful. I appreciate that. This is a touch uncomfortable for the wrong reasons, but I very much appreciate it. So I'm going to pivot, and I'm going to give you, I got one of these for you. Oh, wow.

Oh, my goodness. This is your turn. Fatherhood is something, isn't it? Wow. I tell you what. You know, I'm getting chills, even opening this. What I think you're going to find is you get older, and there's research around this,

that having people love you makes you happy, but the most rewarding thing is you know, they know that you love them immensely. There's this great line in a, I think it's a Wes Anderson or a Paul, Thomas Anderson film where this bartender who's alone is saying, you know, I've loved to give. I just don't know where to put it. The happiest people, and there's research on this, aren't the ones that are the most loved. They're the ones who have the most people that they can

love. And that's what you'll get as your kids get older, is you realize the gift is if they're receptive to your love and you know they know they're loved. Yes. That's sort of the, that's the shooting match. Anyways, your letter. All right. Oh, boy. All right. Dear Dad, you've helped to shape my life in more ways than I've probably ever mentioned. Growing up with you has taught me so much. Not just about work or the world, but about how to think, how to carry myself, how to treat other people.

I admire your profound curiosity, honesty, love for all that you do and the way you always make time for me and Liam and mom, despite the 100 other things that you always have to keep up with. I love the way you follow your own passions and encourage us to do the same, and I will always be grateful for it. The way you've represented what masculinity is to me, being empathetic, sharing, and showing emotions, being kind and grounded are lessons I'll take for the rest of my life. Thank you for being someone I could look up to and rely on.

I'm proud to be your son, and I don't say that nearly enough either. Love Kingston. Yeah, this is, you know, it's interesting. I was about to say something. I'm going to say it, and then I'm going to take it back. Right. I was going to say, this feels so awkward, but it actually feels so right.

One final thought from me is the biggest lesson I've taken from the podcast, truly holding space for someone without fixing, rescuing or rushing. Holding space can be a very impactful relationship practice. Give it a try and see how it transforms your relationships in 2026. If you want to hear more from any of the guests I've featured, simply search for We Need to Talk on YouTube or wherever you get your podcasts. You can't reason with the sun. Trust us. We've tried.

This summer, it's time to put that angry ball of fire on mute. Columbia's Omni-Shade technology is engineered to protect you from the sun's harsh rays. that can burn and damage your skin. The sun is relentless, but so is our gear. Level up your summer at Columbia.com to spend more time outside and less time slathering on allotion. You're welcome. Columbia, engineered for whatever.

Spring just slid into your DMs. Grab that boho look for that rooftop dinner, those sandals that can keep up with you, and hang some string lights to give your patio a glow up. Spring's calling. Ross, work your magic. Thank you.