We're Here to Help - 1: The Quest of Wilhelmina
Episode Date: August 22, 2023Welcome to We’re Here to Help! Each episode, hosts Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds make several pitches to callers (whose questions range from trivial to serious) with their best attempts ...of advice.In their first episode, a caller asks Jake and Gareth for notes on her Dungeons and Dragons character to bump up her nerd clout.Check out our We’re Here to Help sweatshirts, hats, and tote bags at heretohelppod.com!Want to call in? Email your question to helpfulpod@gmail.com.If you’re enjoying the show, make sure to rate We’re Here to Help 5-Stars on Apple Podcasts.Follow the show on Instagram @HereToHelpPod and TikTok also at @HereToHelpPodAdvertise on We’re Here to Help via Gumball.fm See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.
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Hello, everybody, and welcome to the podcast.
This is a new podcast from myself, Jake Johnson, and Mr. Dr. Gareth Reynolds. Hi, everybody, and welcome to the podcast. This is a new podcast from myself, Jake Johnson, and Mr.
Dr. Gareth Reynolds.
Hi, everybody.
I'll be the PhD.
No, I'm a regular guy.
I think everybody assumed that you were a regular guy.
Well, you didn't have to say that.
People were like, this guy sounds clinical.
Oh, that's true.
Actually, you're right.
We're at the same spot.
And the name of the podcast is We're Here to Help,
and the premise of this podcast is go, Garfield.
Basically, we get calls with problems and we do our best to offer advice and hopefully help solve them.
But we really make no guarantees.
We're very clear about that.
We might be way off base.
It might be bad advice.
But we like to say we're kind of like your tipsy uncles at a bar.
I think that's correct.
And we've done a bunch of these already.
We're doing the intro after we've taken about 40-odd calls.
And what we've realized is the more serious the call, the less likely it is we can help.
And the more trivial and ridiculous the problem, then you got a fighting chance with us.
Because if you're listening to this for actual advice or for human growth or to learn something, I do believe you've
come to the wrong place. Yeah. So, you know, as we're doing this, we definitely want more people
to reach out. And so if you really, I mean, if you have a problem and it's serious to you,
that is really what matters to us. Even if it seems trivial or strange,
we have an email. It's heretohelp at gmail.com. That is not it, Garfield.
It's we're here to help. What is it? Helpful pod. Helpful pod at gmail.com.
So this is a perfect example of how this podcast is going. We had one goal in this intro.
Come on. Come on. Let's keep it tight. The email is helpfulpod at gmail.com. That is helpfulpod
at gmail.com. And it actually, I now know why nobody's responding to me from that email,
because I've been emailing the show a bunch and kind of wondering what the hell's going on. But
I guess I've been hitting the wrong one. So the idea of this kind of podcast is for our callers, even if you're in the wrong, we're on your team and we're going to
help try to get you out of it. And that's kind of been the fun of this podcast so far.
Yeah. I think sometimes even with our own personal advice to each other, sometimes it's either it's
good to prove what you want to do to someone or it's good to hear a bad take to go.
Yeah, you know, my takes not that awful.
So maybe our advice is the bad advice, but it helps.
And then what we've also done on this that we've really enjoyed is some of our callers keep calling back and following up.
So you're going to see certain journeys which have turned out to be really funny.
And yeah, we hope you check out our podcast and all that.
You're already checking it out.
Gareth, get us out of here, buddy.
Get us out of here.
Well, I'm the guy who doesn't know the email, so relax.
I think, you know, the best thing to do with this sort of stuff is,
you know, share the podcast, subscribe to the podcast.
We're going to do it every week.
And yeah, and if you have a problem,
it's helpfulpod at gmail.com despite what some people are saying.
And yeah, we're really excited.
We really think the show is super fun.
So thank you for listening.
So now get ready for our first caller
and now you're about to hear
some very cool transition music.
So this is Jake and Gareth.
You're on We're Here to Help
and we are here to try to help.
So can we start with your first name, please?
Yes, I'm Shannon.
Shannon.
How you doing, Shannon?
Hi, Shannon.
I'm doing splendid.
How about your guys?
Good.
Good.
And where are you from, Shannon?
I'm from Bloomington, Indiana.
Sure.
Okay.
That's where you're living now?
Uh-huh.
Why are you calling in today?
What can we try to help you with?
I'm trying to achieve some level of nerd clout.
I play Dungeons & Dragons with my friends.
You've already got it.
You've already done it.
Thank you.
Call over, Shannon.
You've won.
You've won. You've won.
No, no, no.
That's in-level.
Okay, you're right.
I need to get the clout.
Okay.
And in order to get clout in Dungeons & Dragons,
you have to have like a raw theater kid energy
that I believe personally is enhanced greatly by having a passable accent.
Oh, wow.
I think all this is right.
Yeah.
I've decided to give my character a German accent and I practiced and I was under the
impression that it was a passable German accent.
Okay.
First of all, where is your accent that you're using right now?
Is that an Indiana accent?
It feels very Southern.
I think it's just white trash accent.
Okay.
Because I'm from Chicago and I've been all throughout Indiana.
And that feels like a lot for Indiana.
I thought you were the Dungeons and Dragons character until you revealed you were going German.
Yeah.
I'm really doing method.
Okay.
All right. we're loving
this shannon so this is your natural accent you're very southern and you have a you're looking to get
more clout in the nerd community of dnd you have a german accent as your character you feel like
it's plain okay is that are we all caught up to there? Yeah. Keep going, please. I'm consumed with the delusion that I'm doing a good job.
And according to my friends at the table, it leans more Muppety than German, which is
not really the flavor I'm going for.
I suppose if I started with the intention of having a Muppet character, then I'd be
thrilled.
But since that wasn't the direction I was going for, it was a bit disappointing. I'll bottom line the worst case and then we'll try to get the best case. But the
worst case is your character is now a Muppet. But let's go. Nobody wants that. So first of all,
before we hear the accent, can you describe your character a little bit? Can you tell us about her?
character a little bit? Can you tell us about her? Yeah. So I've created her as sort of an anti-Frankenstein, where, you know, Frankenstein... She's made from living parts.
Well, Frankenstein, he's afraid of death, so he seeks to conquer death by reanimating a corpse.
My anti-Frankenstein, she absolutely hates necrcromancers and if she sees a ghost or a zombie
well yeah i mean it's pretty you know she's like an every woman she hates zombies she hates
necromancers hates ghosts so i just want to be clear this show both of us we're anti-necromancer
most people are yeah i think that's so that high. So you've created a character that's just German.
Yeah.
So she likes going for walks.
Yeah.
So what else about this German anti-Frankenstein can we learn?
She's still a doctor.
Doctor not Frankenstein.
And she is supposed to have something of a severe
German, I don't know, imagine like the meanest gymnastics coach, you know?
Oh, she's tough. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. She's tough. So you're kind of like,
you're like a dominant figure in the game. But a Muppet.
And you're not meant to be a Muppet, to be clear.
Not meant to be a muppet to be clear not meant to be a muppet
so your question your reason for calling in is help with the accent yes because the muppet that
i'm bringing to the table does not align with the level of like edgy goth that i'm going for
so then let me ask you a quick question before we get into it
you can't wait to hear it jake you're really edging me right but i got i got i need to set
the table i'm sorry okay so the other players at the table you play with what are their characters
it's a school setting so we have you know a bard and a goblin bard and an orc cleric and a barbarian, you know.
Yeah.
So far, I mean, just so far, everything that I would picture if I picture a school.
Yeah.
But are any of them from anywhere in Europe?
No, no, they're not.
They're all from Indiana.
They're all American.
Okay.
So their voices are just...
So you decided, Shannon,
what I'm going to add to this group of goblins...
American goblins.
American goblins is some German flair, yeah?
Yeah.
No, no, no, no.
Here's the thing.
Talk to us.
I'm not the only one going for the theater
kid nerd clout here so three of us decided we were going to try for an accent one person hit
the ejector seat so instantly just so so instantly got one sentence out and was like i can't
not there god bless were they from?
She was trying to do a southern accent and she's from the south.
You have a southern accent.
The lines are crossed here.
Okay. So she tried
to do southern and said no.
She jumped ship so immediately.
Just instantly.
What was the other one?
An Irish accent that does lean shrek a little bit
but it's actually pretty solid most of the time so she sticks with the irish yes and how does the
group respond to her i think because of the success of the accent her character has become
like the team leader cool kid of the group you Damn it. You live in a movie plot.
Shannon, yeah, agreed.
This is Dungeon.
You are.
Right now, you're the lower tier character.
This is a nightmare, Shannon.
What's the Irish person's name?
The character or the person?
Let's go both.
Character first?
The character is Tuk-Tok.
Tup-Tok?
Yeah, you heard that. And the Irish Tupetok is played by, what's this enemy's name?
What's Tup-
Abby?
We hate Abby.
Yes, we do.
Okay, so Abby is an Irish Tupetok, and everybody loves Tupetok.
I could listen to Jake pretend that he's got this casual tube talk.
Is he even saying it
right? Is he saying it right?
It is in a soft
G. Okay, so it's more
like a tube talk.
She's the Irish one.
Tube talk, yeah, so Irish, really.
Okay, now, and then
Shannon, your German
is called, your German german character what's your
character's name willamina willamina sure villamina villamina yes do you run your german
accent by anybody before the first uh game no you what you do what you do is just like kind of panicked watch a bunch of youtube videos
and then you did do some research yeah i okay i actually listened to several episodes of the
dollop podcast where there's a german character and i was like i'll try to do this that's probably
one of your early mistakes because because if you're doing,
it's a little like when you do an impression you saw someone do on SNL. You're doing an impression of oppression. It's a copy of a copy. You're getting further and further away from an origin
source. So my German accent has been categorized as offensive or inaccurate um so so the fact that you're doing that is is not a great
start but but okay so you did do some homework which i like yes and so when you create so you
do some homework you feel confident in you have found the voice of velamina you know her look you get to the table tube talk is killing it the absolutely
crush of it everybody's frigging love and let's be honest shannon you wish you could just strangle
abby's head off yeah you're hating abby kill baby shrek yeah and her little Irish accent. And her character, in your opinion, is weaker than Vilamina.
Is this correct?
This is correct.
Okay.
Very leading stuff from Mr. Johnson, might I add.
The prosecuting attorney in the Vilamina case.
Shannon, am I out of line here?
Have I said anything you disagree with?
Well.
Talk to me.
Vilamina could beat Tuk T a fight i do believe that because he is
a goblin in his three feet tall in a fight vilamina would kill to talk in a prom king
can i just say at the beginning of this call if i thought jake was gonna say vilamina could kill
to talk in a fight i would have been like, this call is going to be abnormal.
Let me just say this, and I want to make it crystal clear.
I hate Tuk-Tuk.
Thank you.
I hate that little goblin three-foot prom king.
Jake, first of all, it's part of our demographic are tiny goblins.
You're blowing that up right off the bat.
Let me get back to you, Shannon.
When did you introduce Vilamina's voice?
Was this a week ago, a month ago, a year ago?
Where are we at timeline?
Three sessions ago.
Okay.
And when you first did it, how was the response from the others?
I think I was saved by our one friend.
Absolutely.
Just completely shitting the bed first thing.
That's great.
So all of the ridicule went to her.
She got one sentence in and called it a day.
Fair.
So that really saved me.
So when I strolled in like full German Muppet, it was like almost an afterthought.
And so I mean, we've got to hear it.
We will. We will. We will. We will. I'm just dying. I need a little bit more backstory. All right. It was like almost an afterthought. And so I mean, we've got to hear it.
We will.
We will.
We will.
We will.
I'm just dying.
I need a little bit more backstory.
All right.
OK, so doctor.
So so you do the accent.
And what's the what's the person's name with the southern accent who failed?
Rachel.
Rachel.
Sorry, Rachel.
You're out.
Failed.
So Rachel fails.
Abby crushes.
And you're somewhere in the middle. Yes yes and so you've now done three sessions and let's be honest vilamina just ain't getting the attention that
vilamina deserves is this what the call is about so right now you're living in two in tube tax world
and vilamina is just a weird german you've really committed to a voice that maybe you're
feeling a little embarrassed to be doing a whole accent when nobody's even giving Vilamina attention.
Is there any truth to this, Your Honor? It's less embarrassment because if you're
playing Dungeons and Dragons already, you have to be beyond that to a certain extent.
Much respect. Much respect.
Well, tell that to Abby, but okay.
I would say there is a burning, seething jealousy, but that's, you know.
And so are you looking to have Wilhelmina take over the game?
Do you want the feisty German to be the number one player?
My goal is not to be the main character.
I don't want to be the chosen one or anything.
My goal is to just have theater kid nerd clout.
When people speak about this campaign,
I don't want them to think, man, Tupac was really great.
I want them to say Tupac and Wilamina those they were both really great understood you want to get to tube
talks level yes well great i personally feel ready to hear villamina do you gareth i'm i'm i'm about
to venmo someone to get this act so shannon could you do us a favor? And there's one thing about
Gareth and I that we believe in a hundred percent. And that is, and I think you're going to be just
fine with this, but that's full commitment. Yeah. So the only thing is have no shame.
Failure is not an option. Can we get your best Vilamina delivering something about the game?
And I know it's weird. You're on a call.
But can you overly commit and give us the truth?
And if you need a couple sentences to kind of ramp into it,
don't feel like we're just saying one line.
You can give us a little, you know, a few sentences here.
Okay.
Oh, boy.
Well, I guess I have to accept that this is going to be immortalized on the Internet forever, huh?
Well, listen.
Yeah.
I mean, you did call.
I did.
You know what, Shannon?
I'm tired of talking to Shannon.
I would love to talk to Vilamina.
All right.
But, Vilamina, can you keep it in D&D language and game?
Yeah.
Okay.
Thank you.
All right.
My name is Vilamina Van Lijber.
I am a medical student.
Hold on.
It's excellent.
Right from the beginning.
Way better than we expected.
Way better than I thought.
I'm not kidding.
Yeah.
Keep going.
A medical student.
My best friend, Tupac. I find him slightly insufferable, but you have to admit his Irish accent is quite exceptional.
So I got a note for you.
First of all.
Yeah.
Bravo.
In every way.
Way to go.
Shannon, I know why you're not getting the attention you deserve.
And it's not that it's too muppety.
It's too subtle.
Oh.
You know what you sound like?
A real German woman in an office.
What?
I feel like I'm in Berlin and I'm checking into someplace and they say,
the doctor's ready for you.
And I go in there and she says, your test results are fine.
You have too much sodium.
And I go, great.
That's who I'm hearing, Vilamina.
What I'm not hearing is Vilamina, the anti-Frankenstein.
Oh.
Gareth, am I right here?
Am I out of line, Gareth?
No, you're not out of line.
You normally are, but you're not out of line here.
Here's the thing.
You're a character, so you can really character this up.
Now, Rachel was the one who had the Southern failure?
Yeah, Rachel failed.
She's the failure.
Okay, so Rachel's gone.
I think that maybe that scarred you a little,
that you definitely have the field to play around a little bit.
Those W's being V's really going for some sort of version of Z.
You know what I mean?
I might be leading you in a direction.
I think you're right, Garrett.
Also, is there anything that Villamina would she ever yell a word?
Right.
Is there anything that would go?
And I don't have a German accent, but something of the,
I am in the third grade.
This is my time.
I'm in the third grade.
Yes.
Now, let me ask you a question, Shannon.
Are we on a line here or deep down are you going, holy shit, Vilamina is coming to life?
And I want the truth on your answer.
shit, Vilamina is coming to life.
And I want the truth on your answer.
As someone who's really trying to embody that gay theater kid energy, I'm really picking up what you're putting down.
Yeah, because what you're doing right now, in my opinion,
can you give me a taste of a tube talk, your best version of tube talk?
Do you have anything?
Oh, God.
I mean, you hear it all the time.
It's in your fucking dreams.
You think about tube talk probably 16 hours a day.
We know you do, Shannon.
By the way, that's 30 on Jake saying tube talk,
just for those of you keeping track.
Can you just give us a little taste of tube talk's energy?
Oh, God.
Oh, what are you guys doing over there?
Is that a fucking owlbear?
Yeah, exactly.
Way more exciting.
So I already like tube talk more than Vilamina.
You want to know what I wish Vilamina? And I'm going to tell you why, exactly. Way more exciting. So I already liked, I like tube talk more than Vilamina. You want to know what I wish Vilamina, and I'm going to tell you why Shannon, because what Vilamina should do is walk you on your way to meet the great tube talk. So if you get to the castle, Vilamina can walk me to tube talk. So now can we really quickly pretend that Vilamina is the star of the show and how that might sound?
Ooh.
Go for it.
This is a safe space,
even though it's being recorded for broadcast.
But Shannon, this is not the moment to be shy.
This is the moment to be over the top.
This is for us to go a little less.
This is, you know, yeah, go go a little less. Even I don't know
what's going to come out of my mouth right now.
That's what we're hoping.
You know what's going to come out of your mouth is Vilamina.
There we go.
I don't want Shannon.
I want Vilamina.
All right, Jake. All right.
Jesus.
Put Shannon to bed and let Vilamina grab the sword.
Vilamina, anything to say?
Listen here, you fucking skeleton.
I will send you back to the bowels of hell where you belong.
You don't fucking move, you skeleton.
You lay, you rot, you die.
Vilamina!
That's great.
That's great.
It's great. Yes, but also, but even more. So here, I'm sorry, G here i'm sorry gareth i have to i have to go
and i know the next caller's here i know we're but shan this is important you are right there
but you need to put even more emphasis on certain words so okay your emotion your energy is right go nuts is vilamina is a maniac vilamina is the scariest
of the land so if you get too loud let tube talk shake in his little three foot pants
well that those pants would be the whole body but i get the point i find his
foot and a half what is better yeah the torso
yeah i find his his inseams that are under two feet i want to touch shaken so if there's a word
that has meaning put a little goddamn heat in it vilamina ain't no joke vilamina is not shannon
trying to be vilamina you are not vilamamina anymore. I got to tell you, Shannon,
I've had enough of you,
but I am just meeting a
wild German
named Vilamina.
And the longer you
think Shannon and Vilamina are one thing,
the longer we ain't
playing D&D. So can I hear
a fired
up Vilamina, please? And can I hear a fired up Villa Mina, please?
And can I hear something like scream
at times, quiet at times?
Let the accent get
in gray areas.
Gareth, you got anything to add? Well, I was just
going to say, what Jake's saying is
we want you to Villa Mina it.
So go ahead.
Collect yourself after a fantastic pun and then let her rip.
Velamina, here's what I'd like you to say.
Velamina, here's what I'd like you to say.
And I want you to yell words that you think you need
and I want as hot as you can get.
Can you say, we are here to help with Gareth and Jake as Velamina?
Okay.
Okay.
Gareth and Jake as Vilamina.
Okay.
Okay.
We are here to help with Gareth and Jake.
What the fuck was the Jake?
No, Jake, I love it.
I think, hold on, Jake, relax.
I love it.
I think it's great that it dropped off. Jake is, it's a tough word in any language.
And I love that.
Hold on.
Hold on.
Hold on, Jake.
You had your turn.
All right.
I think that's great.
And let me tell you, I would say Scottish accent is among the ones that I'm proudest of.
And how that started was my brother and I just said for a summer,
we were only going to talk to each other in Scottish accents.
So part of this is the path will sort of form in front of you.
Keep going with the commitment level that Director Johnson has pushed you to do.
And I think you'll find confidence is a lot of this.
These are not German people you're sitting around a table with.
These are fellow Indianians.
So just stick with that, with that intensity.
That's going to cover a lot of the tracks.
I already found improvement, Jake.
Me too, big time.
I got to say, we think you're doing a great job.
Possibly, if it's possible,
we would love to get you and Tuk-Tak on this together in character.
Yeah, let's settle the beef.
We can do, people want Biggie and Tupac.
We've got Vilamina and Tuk-Tak.
It's the fight of the year.
We all know it.
Shannon, do you feel that we've helped you at all?
And are you closer to understanding Vilamina?
I feel like you've helped me in ways I didn't even know I needed to be helped.
Well, that's what this goddamn podcast is all about.
Thank you for the call, Shannon.
We'll talk to you really soon.
Thank you, Shannon.
All right. Thank you very much. Bye now. We'll talk to you really soon. Thank you, Shannon. All right.
Thank you very much.
Bye now.
Bye.
See you around.
We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson.
And Gareth Reynolds.
The show is produced and edited by Kevin Bartelt.
The theme song is made by Oliver Raleigh.
And you can check out all of his work at OliverRaleigh.com.
The album artwork is by James Fosdyke.
You can find him on Instagram at james fosdyke you can find him on instagram at james underscore
fosdyke and if you'd like to see me do stand up on the road go to gareth reynolds.com and if you