We're Here to Help - 11: Less Finger Foods at the Orgy

Episode Date: September 21, 2023

Jake and Gareth talk to callers with a pregnant predicament, fruit stand nightmares, and a follow up from episode 7 (“We’re Dealing with Michael Jordan”). Want to call in? Email your question to [e-mail]. If you’re enjoying the show, make sure to rate We’re Here to Help 5-Stars on Apple Podcasts.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

all right here we are jake we're doing it. Another episode, Garth. Another episode. Here we go. We got a fun one today. We got a fun one today. Yeah, we do. We do. And let's get into talking about it as soon as, again, just to follow up, you do owe me a little more. It's time to pay the piper a little bit more because, you know, you talk the biggest game when it comes to sports and most stuff. But part of the deal was you were going to wear some of the Green Bay Packers stuff because they're my team and your team is – I probably shouldn't even get into that. It's just trauma.

But is there something you want to put on your head? Well, first I want to apologize to the audience for being so bored during this intro okay well why don't you spike it holy cow kevin and i are looking at each other going how do we cut all this out kevin is laughing put your hat on there you go green bank so funny to see oh and it's the worst my room is green oh i look like i got a packer like man you look like you're 11 with a beard you look like you're in oshkosh wisconsin a little boy in his little green room i should have a neon sign that has like you know the packers and a miller light thing yeah lightning kugels it's just uh awful so today, congratulations. So today, yeah, you got it. We've got two more episodes with this cap.

This episode, we got a really fun one. We have a woman calls in. She's pregnant, and she's got a predicament. We've got somebody who deals with a fruit stand that is pretty fun. Fruit stand nightmares, maybe? Fruit stand nightmares. And then we have a follow-up. So if you have not listened to episode seven yet,

which is, Kevin, what's the name of that one? Go quick. Kevin, what's the name of it? You're on the spot. We're Dealing with Michael Jordan. Ooh, We're Dealing with Michael Jordan. So give that one a listen too first because it'll inform this one

because the caller calls back. Yep, so we have a three-call show. And again, we just thank everybody for listening. because it'll inform this one because the caller calls back. Yep. So we have a three-call show. And again, we just thank everybody for listening, subscribing, continue to share. It helps us out a lot. Comments, all that stuff. We see it.

We appreciate it. And go, Pat, go. Jordan, love is overrated. Play me my theme song. I don't think you're legally allowed to say that. Play me my theme song. I don't think you're legally allowed to say that. Play me my theme song. Hi. Hi, how are you?

I'm good. How are you? Really good. Can we actually just start by figuring out who you are? So what is your name? Where are you from? And how old are you? My name is Regina. I just turned 35. I'm currently in Pennsylvania, but that's new. I

grew up in New York and was there forever. Okay. And while you're on with Jake and Gareth, you know the deal. We're here to help. So how can we help you? I am currently quite pregnant. I'm due at the end of October. But my husband and I have always been interested in, I guess, swinging, experimenting, other women, other men, whatever. In 2020, we did have a couple we used to play with they were great um we stopped we moved and i'm like i want to like find us new playmates before you know i can't play for a while i actually found us a sex club that turned out to be five minutes away from where we just moved. We moved in like April

and we've been to a couple of parties. My problem is I chicken out when it comes to women. No, Regina, I think your problem is, is you're seven months pregnant. There's, I think there's two problems on this one. There's a lot coming at us fast. That's the easy part. I barely even know I was pregnant. I've been lucky. I feel like a rookie in the NFL adjusting to a pass rush. There was so much just coming at us. I was like, this game has to slow down. So, and the couple that you guys had been swinging with in 2020 that ended because of proximity um that ended for a few

reasons one proximity one we liked him we didn't like her so much she was they actually ended up getting divorced she was much more pushy in in their lifestyle than he was um and we're still friends with him we get along great but because of proximity and, you know, he's seeing someone else, we're probably not going to be seeing him for a while. Regina, can you walk us through this sex club that's five minutes from your house? Is that somebody's house? Is it an actual club? Can you give us a paint a picture of it?

Think of a giant, like, house party or, like, frat party, what I would imagine to be a frat party. A lounge area, a pool. You have to pay a membership. It's very secret. I cannot disclose the location. But you sign up for the membership. You register for the parties.

You go. You attend. They have great turnouts. We are meeting. We are making friends. I am definitely making friends. We've been to a couple parties. Is there like a snack area at these things just so I can kind of get the regular lay of the

land a little bit? They actually serve dinner. Gross. They have dinner. It's very nice. Is it good dinner? Gareth, stop on the food. Hold on, Jake. Hold on. Hold on. Are you hungry? With all the information we just heard, you're asking about the buffet? Can I just do my thing and then you can jump in with your stuff?

Go ahead. Now, what? Are you talking like a full dinner? Yeah, the dinner's great. It's home cooked. Apps and sides and everything? Home cooked? Who's cooking it?

They get the trays of food. They get the sternos. Trays. So one couple. Wait, does one couple cook all the food, then place it out, and then fuck everybody? I totally think it's one woman that does most of the cooking. Are you getting wine, or is there alcohol served at the dinner?

It's BYOB, but that's another one of my problems. You can't drink. I cannot partake in any of that. Because you're seven months pregnant with a child. Yes. Yes. They have a big, it's a big dining room table. Is that kind of the setup?

And you're all kind of sitting around chewing the fat before you're. Shut the fuck up about the food. Buddy. There is a dining room table. Okay. There's some towels. There's some other tables. Okay.

No candles. That might be a fire hazard. Regina, can I ask another question? What is the membership to a sex club where you can eat food but bring your own beer? What does that cost per month? So it was an initial fee that I can't remember. And then I think it's like $85 per party per couple. Okay.

So you're spending about $100 to get in.'s like a really nice gym you go there you eat some great food you fuck you do your thing your question is today how do you get over your fear of being with random women at the club is that correct or what's the question like approaching them my husband tries to be like the best wingman um and he's like oh you know i'll go talk to her for you and i'm like no don't and i just pull him back i'll tell you how you shouldn't do it don't walk up and go in two months i'm about to deliver a baby yeah that's already no is in the sex community is being pregnant a thing you know what's funny i actually thought that that would help me out interesting interesting no one seems to like look down on it at all respect to this community just yeah i mean well it's probably who cares it's probably a very

open community they never serve ribs at the dinner right i just want to get that question out of the way and then i'll fully move on there have been ribs that's a sloppy before the sloppy session oh yeah that's tough people are eating finger foods with like yeah that was like an all-day party so they had like a lunch with like barbecue ribs and then the idea of a group of people at a sex wd like buffalo wings and ranch sauce and then being like oh i'm pregnant as fuck and then being like let's everybody get in the hot tub regina this has become a fucking nightmare for me it's a really good community like no i think that's what all sizes all here's the beauty of this call from our end you're gonna

have the devil and the angel because gareth is all in i don't think his dick has ever been harder when you said buffet and all these people and as cheap as 85 bucks but i am gonna be on the other side of this one so you will get a little bit of both i'm into it so i mean let me ask you this salad you don't have to eat that That's true. That's true. You're going to want it. It's like it's like a marathon. You want to carve up a little bit. Now, when you were swinging with that other couple, were you and the woman, were you getting it on? We did. Yeah. So this is really more about your ability to approach. You feel like you're not very good

at the icebreaker maybe you don't have the confidence do you think the the pregnancy is affecting that confidence do you think no actually is it is it a confidence thing totally irrelevant yeah i think some of it is um i mean like it's also that one woman was the only woman I was with. Like, I think it would be much easier for me to approach a man because I know I know what I'm doing there. I think I could lead out with something. Gareth, can you? Okay. Yeah. Well, one more question.

So you. Is it about the food? Regina, I'm 100% with you. It's about the napkins. If it's about the food, let's take a five minute break. Go get something to eat and let's come back to this podcast, Gareth. My question was not going to be about the food, but why don't you just jump in anyway, Jay? So here's kind of, you know, just a basic starter, right? You're at a sex club. You spent the money. You ate some ribs. You've already been

with a woman. You're looking for new playdates. You got to do it fast because, you know, you're about to have a baby. You're nervous to go up to women. You said your husband is a great wingman. So what if he just walked up to another couple and said to the man, my wife would love to be with your wife. Is that something you guys are good with? Then the three of you turn, see you, Regina, seven months pregnant, eating buffalo wings in a corner, and they go, yabba-dabba-dabba-dabba-yah. And the sex party gets a rolling. You said he's a good wingman. Well, that's why you have a partner. Have him break the ice for you. And then once you get started- I chicken out. Well, that's why you have a partner. Have him break the ice for you. And then once you get started. I chicken out.

Oh, you do? Chicken. I do. I'm like, don't go over there. Why, Regina? I actually think that one of these girls, she's texting me before the party. So are you going to do anything tonight? Are you going to come downstairs tonight?

I'm like, I think I have an in. I just need that. All right. I got advice. Gareth, jump in if you got something. But I got something. I think I have an in. I just need that. Like, all right. I got advice. Gareth, jump in if you got something, but I got something. I think that's what you need to do. I think here's my play for you. There's something about it that's scaring you, but you want to do this, right? You want to be with a lady, correct? Oh, hell yeah. So why don't, rather than do it at a sex party, why don't you just have a three-way at your house and have your husband bring them? And if you're feeling nervous, just just watch them but just start doing it i doubt he'd go pick someone up without me but couldn't

you go through the sex isn't there like a mailing list couldn't you email that chef and say like hey i know you got a party uh can i pay 15 bucks extra to get an email list because yes i do want to fuck at a buffalo wings party but in the same sense i wouldn't mind having an appetizer in my house is that something that this sex club permits can you are you allowed to mingle outside of the uh house party we we have a group where we all chat oh you're already on a chat regina i'll tell you what's hot regina say on that group chat i'm feeling really nervous but i would love somebody to come over. And I guarantee a bunch of those ladies are going to love driving the train.

And you're the train. I'm the pregnant train. You're the pregnant train. Yeah, you're the full car. What do you think of that, Regina? Is that helpful? I probably could. And I think it might be easier being in the chat because some of the girls that, you know, were super hot, we're chatting already.

Yeah. I would, I think, you know, the thing I've always thought about this, like when texting with a woman, like even if you're going to ask someone out via text. To me, texting and online dating has made getting rejected so much easier because you don't need to get it right in your face. You don't need to feel that. It's like I wouldn't say get it right in your face during this. Get it right in the face. You don't need to get it right in the face unless you go to a sex party with Rids and that's what you want. That's kind of my goal here. Yeah, I think Regina's looking to get it right in the face unless you go to a sex party with ribs and that's what you want that's kind of my goal here yeah i think regina's looking to get it in the face and give it in the face it's a lot of face um here's my question how close are you with the

people who run the sex club the people who run it not so much yeah not so much okay uh my angle is going to be maybe giving them a heads up and seeing if that can kind of like, I don't know. I don't like, you don't want to go to the point where you feel like you're like a charity case at the thing. But I also think if you're, I think I kind of agree with Jake. I would love to be a charity case at a sex club. You don't want to be like, Jake, you don't want someone to be. I'm feeling nervous. I would love people to pity fuck me.

Ladies and gentlemen. And here tonight we have Jake Johnson. He's a little shy, but he's really looking to get fucked, everybody. I don't know what to do. I've had a ton of chili tonight. Does anybody want to fuck me? Jake, don't talk anymore. I also...

Have you tried in the group chat saying anything along the lines of like playing up the fact that maybe you feel you're not sure if women are attracted to you because you're pregnant something no that's not where i would go not i thought you were going in a direction well what did you think i was i thought you were going to just go to the chat and say hey i'm just going to be totally honest i'm all in i'm really nervous to approach women women. Is there anybody that has advice or could come over and talk to me about this? I'll pour you a glass of wine. How about this? How about any advice for the next party? I mean, I think that's such a veiled way of saying, women, come to me. on me. So Regina, here's where we're at. Do you think you would be willing to reach out to your chat group and be a little honest and ask for somebody to do a little appetizer before or

advice? Is that a move you might go down? I could probably definitely reach out for the advice part. Do you want to put a text together right now and do as a group and get you over this fear and get you started send it feel good about it because guess what we could hang up and you can go that was fun i'm not doing it i'm so nervous and you're in a circle or you can turn on your phone oh no online i'm a different person okay so then would you uh open the group text right now and we're gonna have you send a photo of this to our email and we are not going to email any of them but just as some proof after you send it can you open up your group chat please okay i'm in gareth will you start the uh what she should say to the group um okay and be and gareth be sexy and would you do it in regina's voice please

oh god all right okay well that's the pressure just stepped up because obviously I was going to start with the menu. But okay. Hey, everyone. Will there be ribs? Last week's coleslaw was unreal. No. All right. Hey, everybody.

Hey, everybody. I don't know if you could tell this, comma, or parenthesis, and I hope not, how I could approach some single or no, some women at the next event? Question mark. I just really, really want to get down with a sexy lady. Regina, what do you think of a letter like that? Oh, I'm I'm i'm typing as he goes okay so now let's take a moment and uh when you're ready will you read us what you've written i wrote hey everyone not sure if you can tell but i'm so timid approaching women at the party any tips for going up to some of you gorgeous ladies oh i think that's pretty fucking good. And then will you hit send? And you don't have to if you don't want to.

But I think to me, I think that message, it's up? It's up. There we go. There we go. Will you follow up with us and let us know what's happening, please? I know we're on a time crunch until this baby comes, but our goal on this show is your friend is to get you laid as many times as possible until that baby comes regina and the over under

that gareth and i are going to make a bet on is i'm going to say you're going to have three great sessions before that baby comes gareth you want the over and under on that would you take three sessions regina would that you'd be up for that um yeah all right well by based on that answer i'm going over as well jesus christ so let me make a little thing about our sponsor draft kings i'm just kidding regina thank you for the call please thank you regina congratulations that was really good thank you so much bye reg. Bye-bye. Hi. Hi, you're on with Jake and Gareth.

Oh, cool. Can we ask you your first name? Melissa, M-E-L-I-S-S-A. Thank you. You don't have to spell it. For the record, I would spell it that way for the record. That's the traditional spelling. Okay.

Thank you for the record, Melissa. And where are you from, And can you please spell it? I'm from Dallas, Texas. Why are you calling me today? What's the issue? So my sister has a friend and she runs, her and her family run a fruit stand down in our hometown and she gloats about it all the time and says that it's the best, but I had heard rumors that it's not. and says that it's the best, but I had heard rumors that it's not. So me and my sister went to check it out ourselves. And while we were there, we got a full tour and everything,

and they have a freezer in the back. Now, my niece said that the freezer was not clean at all. And so when we went to check it ourselves, she took us there and i noticed that the freezer as well as the outside was caked in mold and it's disgusting wait a second hold on hold on hold on melissa you're telling me they've got a fruit stand that they're bragging about but they keep things in a moldy disgusting freezer is this what we're hearing correct okay can please keep going i'm gonna fucking barf as we were going in there i noticed her father was a little bit hesitant and was like hey you don't really need to show them like all of our sand which i mean afterwards i could understand why and as we walked out i just questioned if I should contact a health inspector to check it out due to the knowledge of knowing that, like, it's disgusting.

I feel guilty that people are going and buying the fruit there and knowing that it's bad. And I talked to family members and they were just like, well, it's their only source of income. So I would just leave it. But I kind of i don't know this is very this is really quite a predicament this is an interesting one yeah so your sister has a friend and the only reason you care about this is because they brag about how great the fruit stand is and you've had to hear about this fruit stand and how amazing the fruit is. From the friend.

From the friend. Okay, right. Correct. And it's just been a thing that hangs over your head about how great their frigging fruit is and how amazing it is. And then you figured out that the Joneses ain't as great as the Joneses are pretending to be. Is that what the kind of core of this call is? Correct.

And then you're thinking, so now that I know that the Joneses have a moldy freezer, do I wrap them out to health inspectors? Very principled. Melissa, I got to tell you, at least where I'm from, snitches get stitches. Yeah, there's a rat in the freezer and on the call. And snitches end up in ditches. How much mold are we talking? Like an overwhelming amount of mold or you're just like in the corner like, that doesn't look right.

Overwhelming. Like you walk through the mold to get into the freezer. Have you ever eaten the fruits? Ooh. No. Did they want you to eat the fruit while you were there? Were they like, try some peach? And you were like, um, I can't. Like, because you knew about the mold, or that never

happened. I think she asked me to try a strawberry, and I lied, and I said I was allergic. Smart. Wow. Have you googled their fruit stand and sick? A Google search on the name? So what I would consider doing, because I've worked in a couple of restaurants and what I got to say about, I used to cater on boats here in Los Angeles. And what I got to say is the kitchen area of the most of your favorite restaurants are pretty disgusting. It's bad. And so I don't really know the mold game.

I don't know the fruit game. I would feel pretty bad if a family friend of yours got taken down because of advice that we gave on this. But I'd also feel really bad if somebody got sick. So I think what you might want to do is do some private investigator work. Could you maybe just do some research and see if this is a thing? And if you can't find anything, the thing that I would, my two cents would be on this side of the call of the Jake and the Jake and Garfield on this is I think you got to try the fruit and see if you

get sick because it might be. Is that insane? Is that insane? Well, I like the Googling idea. I think that's a good idea but okay but let's say she googles it and she finds out that yeah people are saying they're getting sick is the next thought that she does report it to the that it's such a difficult position because to what jake said it's like there's so i mean if you ever watch one of these like kitchen rescue shows or like whatever it's disgusting what goes on in most restaurants. So the livelihood of a family friend versus the magnanimous move to just tell everyone to never eat there again is wild. It's very difficult.

My instinct is that you just take it to the grave. And I know that's bad, but it's like people almost have to determine what works for them. I mean, go to any like grocery store. There's people like taking olives out of the salad bar. Like we're just a lot of psychos who don't necessarily think about what we're putting into our bodies, you know, any day. If McDonald's wouldn't exist, if we like followed this thread further. But I almost feel like you got to just put it out of your head.

It is terrible to be on record as being like, let the people get sick. Do you genuinely in your heart of hearts, do you want to call the health inspector on them? A portion? Yes, because I am a bit concerned. But on the other hand, I could kind of do without. So what do you think would be your best play? Because a disgusting moldy freezer making people sick is a nightmare. Yeah. Is there a version here where anonymously you post something and say like, Hey, I got a little bit sick. I'm afraid it might be mold. I hope they check check it out so it's not getting them shut down but it's just putting the fear of god in them a little bit that they might have to check out their stuff and you just say like hey i went there i was really excited i got really sick i hope this

isn't happening to others the last time this happened was when i mean you're starting to get too specific here but if you say like, I had some old bread, I have a mold allergy. That is a very good solution. I would even veil it a little more. What if you started a, again, hopefully you have some time. Are they on Facebook or anything like that? Do you know, like, does the fruit stand have a Facebook?

Are they on Fruitbook? Does that exist? I think they do. Okay, maybe make a fake Facebook and message them directly and say, I got really sick from some of your fruit. I noticed there was mold on it. Does your fruit mold? Is this uncomfortable? Something like that, that just kind of sets off a little bit of an alarm bell over there. Then I feel like maybe you've done the middle ground.

What I like about that is you didn't even post it. You went to them directly. And then Melissa, if they don't answer back in a satisfactory way, then maybe you post. Yeah, right. Before you take down this business, I would throw a couple of warning signals first. Yeah, I like that. And what do you think you're going to do? I think I'm going to make a fake account and message them.

What do you think you're going to name your fake account? I got sick from bad fruit, from moldy fruit even, or clean moldy freezers. This is the profile name? Yeah. She just made this profile to send them a thing? I think you should have a real name. I think you create even a picture. Let's catfish.

You know what I mean? Let's catfruit. Hey, let me go. Let me go there. Go for it. I think fake profile, fake picture, and then it's like you're a random person who went there, and then you just message them like, hey, jane seymour not the actress i get that all the time but i ate some

of your strawberries and my bowels have declared war on me what's up with your freezer something like that so melissa going back to you on this one do you think you're going to go for a name such as you on this one do you think you're gonna go for a name such as i had moldy fruit and got really sick and i have zero facebook friends and if you look me up there's no photos and they're probably gonna think i don't know it might be that girl's sister who we brought into the freezer who wouldn't eat a strawberry and pretended to have allergies you do not want that yes that's what we're looking to avoid yes catfishing is better it's definitely better okay i would catfish a little bit but here's what i'm going to warn you about catfishing if it's a guy or a woman whatever you do writes back and you guys start getting flirty back and yeah no don't go down this road it's not a happy ending you will be revealed yeah don't Don't start. Yeah. Do not create

this whole backstory where, you know, you had a history in the fruit business. Sure. You'd love to meet up and connect, but you can't. You broke both your legs. Maybe in March. And then they say, let's FaceTime. And you say, my camera's broken and it starts a whole dance. Melissa, Kevin, our producer, hopped on. And mostly when he hops on, he has staggering advice and opinions opinion so you got anything here hi there i only hop on for the catfishing advice parts too um so this is kind of my segment um like what the guys are saying don't have this be your first post you might need a little bit of a backstory if people are seeing this is your only post so feel free to give some

positive reviews to other places. Maybe talk about family members or bad dates that you went on, but the food was still good. Recommend a podcast or two. Yeah, podcast and email where people can call in if you want to do some guerrilla marketing for us. But here. So, Kevin, I think that's a good idea, but I'm going to pop a hole in it. And that is there would be 15 reviews of restaurants that were all positive all in one day because they're dated. So it'd be like, had a wonderful date.

My son's graduation was incredible. The zucchini sticks were great. Also, your place has mold in that weird basement where I toured last week. I just, I'm afraid what i don't want to do is put melissa in a bad situation here that's it that's a great point jake which i have another idea based off of that your first review needs to be can't believe i'm doing 10 dates in 10 days um and then we kind of see the history of like date four is going well. Like he loves this podcast.

They love this podcast. Great. Kevin, you're checking all the boxes. This is great. Yeah. So Melissa, you've now gotten some different advice. The question now goes to you, the star of this call and the only person who's, you know, the meat and potatoes were the appetizers.

What are you going to do? I might take Kevin's suggestion. Cool. Can you do us a favor if you do that? And can you take screen grabs of all your fake ones and send them to Kevin, send them to our email? Absolutely. Melissa, we're going to let you go. Good luck to you. Keep us updated. And we hope we give you a little bit of help. Today's episode is brought to you by Babbel. That's right, Jake. Listen, you know what Babbel is, right? Science backed language learning app that actually works, which I find to be very important.

Science backed, Jake. Listen, don't bother paying hundreds of dollars for a private tutor. They come over, they're like asking for snacks. They're being annoying. They're, or even waste hours on apps that don't really help. We're here to help. And Babbel is going to help you. Babbel's tips and tools are approachable, accessible, rooted in real life situations. So, uh, Jake, for instance, if you want to learn, I started re relearning french through babble a little bit yes because i used to know french but then i don't know french uh but it's still there you know what i like about it is that it's got a speech recognition technology yep because the problem with learning a new language is if you sound like you're from another country yes if it can actually help with the

accent yes that's a big ass and applicable to situations you're going to find yourself in like when i think back to taking french it was just like so much it was like i'm never going to do that like how do you order food how do you get a drink how do you ask for directions but so babble is great now listen listen everybody should we bring him in? Wait, one quick pause. Should we bring in the closer? Studies from Yale, this is interesting, Michigan State University and others, prove that Babbel is better. So one study found that using Babbel for 15 hours is equivalent to a full semester at college.

So if that's true, which Yale's no joke, it's just putting schooling in a different light. Yes. If you spend 15 hours, let's say you didn't go to college, and you always feel like, well, I don't know. I didn't go to college. 15 hours, you just did a semester.

Yeah. That's wild. Yes. That's a wild study. So speaking of language, should we bring in the closer, or should I do it? Closer.

All right, hold on. Let's get him. Kevin? Door's open. Come on in. Oh, you meant Gil. I meant Kevin. What?

I thought Kevin was going to do it. No, I thought we were talking about the closer. We were. He parked in front of all our cars, so might as well. Oh, he can't leave. Well, what's the problem? Go ahead. So that old jalopy is Gil's?

Yes. And you can turn it off, I guess. No that old jalopy is Gil's? Yes. And you can turn it off, I guess. No, keep it running. It's bad for something. A lot of smoke. I'm pausing a serious accent. Now listen, here's a special limited time deal for our listeners. Right now, get 55% off your Babbel subscription, but only for our listeners.

This isn't for people who don't listen, like Laura from one of the calls earlier. These are standalone? At Babbel.com slash HTH. Jake, let me finish. Get 55% off Babbel.com slash HTH. Spelled B-A-B-B-E-L dot com slash H-T-H. We're going to want you to babble. We want you to babble.

I'll tell you what, I don't want to babble your ear off. I got to go back to the jalopy. Rules and restrictions. I have fun. your ear off. I gotta go back to the jalopy. Rules and restrictions. I am fine. This episode is

brought to you by ZocDoc. ZocDoc is a free app and website where you can search and compare highly rated in network doctors near you and instantly book appointments with them online. Garth, what does that mean to you? Well, it means a lot because as you know, my mother was in town for a

while. She had a hip replacement and it was crazy. It was a crazy situation. And there were so many times, so many things like complications were popping up. And there were multiple times where we wanted to find a doctor appointment quickly, somewhere close use that doc yeah you would use that doc because it's just so much harder if you're just like you know like using search engines to try to find someone and then you call do they take your insurance but the problem has it's all there for all the problem with also just searching it is all the ads pop up. Yes. And what I like, I actually use ZocDoc since we started doing it. I do like that it keeps it really clean and you can put all your information in. Yeah.

Did you use ZocDoc for your knee? I did use ZocDoc for my knee, which I am going to get an MRI on. Oh, you are? But we don't think it's a tear. That's the good news. But I am going to get an MRI. The doctor report back, it's just an old man's knee. it's actually pretty much what it sounded like doctor said to me about my hips i'm getting to the point where it's sad when doctors are just like yeah you're just uh he goes

i've had a doctor who looked at my body and then went like this well you're mid-40s yeah oh what a jerk uh well that guy's hopefully not on zoc doc but but again it really does it filters specifically for doctors that take your insurance located near you. Treat basically. And again, you can get an appointment quickly. You can also get it same day. That's absolutely right, Jake. If you're lucky. That's right. Gil Buchanan 1s and 2s, 68 balmy. Don't worry

about it. That's right. I've been kept in the closet for a while on this show, but I'm back for the ads. Good to see you, brother. You literally never left. Wherever the best time in the world, go to ZocDoc.com slash HTH and download the ZocDoc app for free. Did you hear how much that cost you?

Free! Free, that's right! And then find and book a top rated doctor today. That's Z-O-C D-O-C dot com slash H-T-H ZocDoc dot com slash H-T-H. ZocDoc.com slash H-T-H. Hey, you got Russell here.

Russell, how are you doing? Russell, you're with Jake and Gareth. Gareth, we remember Russell. I was going to say, I think I know who you are. Let's just confirm that with City. And give me a title. I'll tell him. Minneapolis. Rec League? Yes, that's City. And give me a title. I'll tell him. Minneapolis. Rec League?

Yes, that's right. What's up, Russell? Russell. 33 from Taking Cookies FC here. Back to represent a little bit. All right, Russell, let's cut the shit. Hold on. Russell, let's cut the shit.

What's going on with Taking Cookies? Where are we at? Guys, I got some great updates for you. Give us all of them. Should we recap it all, Jake? Where are we at? I got some great updates for it. Give us. Should we recap it all, Jake? Yeah. Gareth, will you do a quick recap? So basically, Russell called us and the issue was that he felt like maybe he was taking

his rec soccer league a little too seriously, kind of aged him up a little bit because some of the younger guys he felt maybe thought he was a little bit of a clown because he was given, you know, maybe some intense speeches. And our advice was basically, like, own it. Maybe end the season with some awards. And if they think you're a little silly, take it seriously. It's a rec league, but if you take it seriously, it can be MLS or professional soccer. It could be Premier League in your head.

That basically is a pretty good synopsis. Russell, what do you think? I'd say so. There's a quick shout-out, of course, to Rob McElhenney and Ryan Reynolds. If they want to get involved with Minneapolis rec soccer, we could be a nice branch for them. But yes. So to be fair, you're

trying to go above Jake and I, who have been nice enough to try to help you, and now you're like... Yeah, actually, fuck you, Russell. Go get on their podcast. Call over. Look, I didn't know you guys were looking to get into soccer. Hey, Russ, you took your shot and

I hope it lands for them because we are no longer coming and we are no longer making a documentary about taking cookies. Yeah, you know what, Jake? I think we could do some stuff about like kickball leagues. That sounds a little more interesting. I think we should do Gareth. We should find taking cookies rival.

Yeah. And we should make a documentary about putting there. Hell yeah. Okay. Well, so let's get back in it. We're really curious. What's going on with taking cookies? So the very next game after,

after I had a conversation with you guys, we did end up winning the championship. However, I did not give any pregame speeches. So I dialed it back for that because I had given one the week before, which worked. But, yeah, we did end up winning the championship. So I directly attribute that to you guys. So basically what we're hearing here, Gareth,

is you took none of our advice and you won a championship. This is devastating for the podcast. Yeah, this is, but may I say- Russell, this is the worst update ever. And you want to be with Rob and Ryan Reynolds over us. Russell, that part stinks. What I love is your attempt to try to make it seem like we made things better for you and then when we hear the actual influence we had this is a disaster we did nothing this is

a disaster for us all right ross try to save us i dialed in just that one speech because you said look you don't have to give this but that speech game. But that speech was pre our call. Okay, this is true. This is true. I have more goodness. I have more goodness. We did schedule. So we have, not only did we win the championship, but then we got a sponsor.

Shout out to Black Sack Brewing in St. Paul, Minnesota. You guys got a sponsor? Sponsor for our new kit. Yes, we got a sponsor for our new kit. Yes, we got a sponsor for our new kit and we scheduled our award ceremony to be hosted by Blackstack Brewing in St. Paul.

Stop saying the name. We're beeping it out, you little rat. You know what, Russell? We see through you, man. You want Ryan Reynolds, you want Rob, and you want Beep Company. You want Ryan Reynolds, you want Rob, and you want beep company. You know what? We ain't suckers, Jack.

We can bleep everything you want, everything you want. This whole call might just be a bleep. Okay, so you're going to have an award ceremony. And what are those awards going to be, my guy? Since the episode dropped, we actually have a guy on our team that has massive calves that we all already are well aware of. And that happened to be one of your examples. So not only did we get a ton of nominations from our team, but even off of our team, everybody was texting me saying, all right, well, as long as mike gets the fattest calf award i

think we'll be good to proceed there okay so that was a good one uh you also had one that you mentioned a guy most likely to get the next earring uh i actually have purchased several earrings right before that podcast anyway. Russell, that's you. You're doing it again. I'm leaning in. What he's saying is because of that, he's moving deeper. He's going to give himself the earrings.

I'm going to take that award. I'm going to sweep the award show like you said. It's all good. In addition to that, I think I may have leaned in maybe a little too hard because uh the very next game after the championship there was a bit of a a bit of an on-field scuffle you you might call it where i might have gotten a little over over amplified and um yeah just this is a win for the podcast gareth is it because so hold on let me

get this straight the game after the championship you're getting so jacked up because of the goddamn pod that you're starting to fight in a men's rec league that's a win for the podcast that's a win it's it's a gate who's playing games after the championship that's true what kind of game the next season starts right away oh it starts right away but we're basically creating a pete rose type and that's what we want because if you don't have an animal on that field then you're gonna have a bunch of people who are doing it like look look here's what i'm okay with okay i'm okay with us just pretending like we crushed this one but to me it just sounds like i'm trying to spin a victory i understand and i love you for it you're getting

best spin no doubt but but it does sound like a bunch of stuff where we didn't really have any influence but i mean a little bit but maybe cause he's adding a couple of earrings and has some trophies that were okay. Hey Russell. So here's a, we, I need advice from you on this one. How do we spin this into a victory?

Is it that you got in a fight after the championship? I'd say I was, I was so pumped up on, on dialing it in and, and, uh, buying into being that guy that I, you know,

I, I, I was so excited about it that I let my emotions get the best of me. Jake, if our advice... I love you, Jake, and I love how you're getting that voice on. Let me be the spin doctor. I understand.

Go ahead, Gar. But let's be honest. What you're celebrating right now is that we amped Russell up so much that he got to do a fight in the rec league, the game after the championship. And you feel like we're pulling a win out of that? I'm going to tell you why. Okay.

Hey, Russell, after you got in that little bit of the on-field scuffle, what did it do for the rest of the team's intensity level? It did exactly what it was so i picked my head up after i get after i do my part and then i get knocked down you know we don't know how it happened of course big you know no one knows i think you guys banged into each other and then he knocked you on your ass or he pushed you did you lose the fight and you have a bunch did you lose the fight wait did you come on and you have a bunch of earrings? Russell, did you lose the fight? Wait, did you come on this podcast, get a bunch of earrings,

and get your ass kicked? Russell, tell me you got your ass kicked. That's going to be hard to spin, my guy. I'm going to let you guys make the determination here. I think you got beat up. Walk us through the fight. Okay, this guy comes down. We're up 5-0 at this point, the end of the game.

He comes down. The field, I try kind of a trick move on him. It doesn't pay off. He gets the ball from me. I kind of tackle him from behind like a cheap foul. I give away a free kick. He takes the free kick. They score on the free kick.

Me and him are looking at each other i kind of give him the shrug a smile i'm like hey you got me like i made a bad foul you guys scored that's crazy all good he keeps looking at me he's walking closer and closer his hand extends out does kind of like the uh like the italian kind of face slap that may be interpreted he slapped you differently the condescending so he but back he back exactly thank you guys but he backhanded your face no no backhand like the like the cup almost but like a tap on the cheek oh i understand what you're saying okay yeah And so, and then he kind of walks away and I'm like, wait, he's just, okay, I can't have that.

And so. Now somebody touching your face is crossing a line. Maybe he was just trying to check out some of these new earrings. Okay. So he touches your face. He walks away. And then he pulls my ear. He walks away.

I go, all right right i can't believe that just happened i run and i put him in a headlock because i'm not gonna swing or anything i'm still in a headlock is just as aggressive my man running up to a grown man and i think we're escalating i think we're escalating right now you are wildly out of control so i i throw him in a headlock and then one of his teammates runs up and kind of like pushes us down uh i go down i i pick my head up and here's where it comes jake the uh what it did for the team i pick my head up and i see uh one of my teammates you know down the field kind of like in that squaring up position where he kind of widened. Yes, he was, because now you're a team.

Exactly. Because now you're a team. Exactly. He kind of, he widens the stance. He gets, you know, the fists are kind of cocked, but low. Russell, what's this guy's name who squared up for you? This is my buddy, Tessergio. Tessergio gets an MVP.

Yep. Maybe not for the season, but for having? There's my buddy, to Sergio. To Sergio gets an MVP. Yep. Maybe not for the season, but for having a teammate's back. Yep. Yep. I'm loving that. That's a good award. So he squares up,

then what happens? So he squares up, but the guy that pushed, he squares up to the guy that kind of pushed us down because he just started running away. The guy ends up continuing to run away so nothing ended up happening because you don't fuck with taking cookies exactly you don't fuck with taking you

try taking cookies from taking cookies we take your fucking cookies okay so i'm gonna jump in for a second and russell it's it's it's great it's a great update it's's kind of a, I'll be honest, it's not much, but I think Jake is doing what I think we want to do, which is we want to find our wins on this podcast. And so, you know, Jake is really looking for the win, and I'm not going to take that away from you, Jake. So, yes, we really did influence, but to some extent I feel like the real trick move here

is what Russell tried to pull on us by telling us that we sort of changed the trajectory of a season where he took none of our advice, and then they won the championship. And then he put a guy in a headlock, and here we are. Garrett, we were right at the end of a victory, my guy. I know, I know, I know, I know. Are you on our team, or are you that other guy hitting know i know are you are you on our team are you that other guy hitting me in the face are you taking cookies are you taking from taking cookies

jake he wanted rob mcclainy and ryan reynolds to be involved don't don't don't just so do i so do i look me too me. I want to be in their goddamn talk also. So do I. That sounds awesome. I'm getting you guys jerseys regardless. I love it. So in conclusion, my friend, we'll wear them on the pod. Yeah.

So in conclusion, you get in that fight. Your team kind of takes your back a little bit. Yeah. Is there anything after that or is that where we stand now? That's where we stand now. Look, we got a lot of momentum from the app drop and a lot of the team chemistry is at an all-time high. Disney Heights, team chemistry.

Can I give you some advice before the next game? Yeah, and don't take it, but pretend you do. Go ahead, Jake. I want you to stand up before the team, and I want you to give a sincere thank you to the guy who had your back and the rest of the team. And I want you to say that your emotions got the best of you, but it meant the world to you,

that you knew that the rest of that team had your back. And you're sorry that you sometimes get too passionate and you're going to try to do better, but it really means a lot to you that they had their back and then say, now let's go out there and kick some fucking ass. And I think this team is going to run through a brick wall together. I think you guys just started a dynasty. If there's a 30 for 30 on taking cookies, the fight you had would be the pivotal moment.

Well, thank you, Russell. I guess we'll do another check-in and my guess is it'll probably be a little like this one. But, you know, it's definitely a mixed bag. Russell, I'm with you 100%. Let's not listen to Gareth. You go give that speech. We're winning right now, my guy. We're winning back-to-back championships.

I guarantee it. It's a defense tour, all the Ws here. I appreciate it, fellas. We'll see if we talk again. Good luck, guys. Thanks, buddy. Talk to you later. See ya.

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. The show is produced and edited by Kevin Bartelt. The theme song is made by Oliver Raleigh, and you can check out all of his work at OliverRaleigh.com. The album artwork is by James Fosdyke. You can find him

on Instagram at James underscore Fosdyke. And if you'd like to see me do stand-up on the road, go to GarethReynolds.com. And if you would like to be on our show, please email us

at HelpfulPod at gmail.com. That was a HeadGum Podcast.