We're Here to Help - 114: Forrest Dump with Pete Holmes

Episode Date: September 16, 2024

Jake, Gareth and special guest Pete Holmes talk to callers about some bathroom etiquette at the office and an opossum issue. Later, the guys follow up with the second caller from episode 60 "Craggily Hand with D’Arcy Carden."Want to call in? Email your question to [e-mail] (Early Access, Bonus Calls and Q&As): Patreon.com/HereToHelpPodVIDEO: Youtube.com/@HeretoHelpPodMERCH: heretohelppod.comINSTAGRAM: @HereToHelpPodTIKTOK: @HereToHelpPodIf you’re enjoying the show, make sure to rate We’re Here to Help 5-Stars on Apple Podcasts.Advertise on We’re Here to Help via Gumball.fm See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Pete yes we have great calls wild as and I think you pointed this out if Eve's will Eve even listen to this your mother will she I think she's still listening yeah okay what you said you'll probably you think she'll find this one wild yes um we have a wild two wild problems and the show gets wild Pete is so funny what i loved about him coming on our show today because i did his podcast and which is you made it weird yes of course sorry i thought you i thought you're asking me a question i didn't know the answer to it first you i felt your nervousness what have i done wrong? But Pete, I really like him.

I'm just getting to know him is he'll go from really funny, really jokey to big ideas really fast. Yeah. Even before I got into stand up, because I did start late, I would watch Pete and be like, this dude is hilarious. But he's great. So yeah, listen to his podcast. He said a lot of people listen to your episode or you made it weird

Good one together, which is good and I'll probably have been on it by now by the time this air So go listen to me on it. Apparently it's not as popular as Jake's episode But you know, I enjoyed anything that you do what making it all about me snow Being in your earring so bad setting a low bar so that I jump over it. Stop it. But enjoy the show. And as usual, share the show.

Check us out on YouTube. Tell people. Check us out on Patreon. We have a Patreon. Check us out on Spotify. This podcast, everything. But without further ado They're fake right there fake the calls are fake

This is like Frazier. This is very much like Frazier you watch at the end. It's like that was Sean B Sean B Hi Jake, I'm having a problem at work! You are actually the colon. Pete the boy. You start winking at me aggressively. Hi, where are you from? Boise, Idaho. Boise, Idaho. I love Boise.

What district? District nine, South Africa. Oh my god. This is a guy who lived in Idaho. Yeah. What? You mean what, voting district? Yep, that's right. Are you gerrymandered out there, hon?

Have you been gerrymandered, babe? I don't know. Hello, caller. Hello? Hi. What's going on? It sounds like a Netflix murder doc and this is the 911 caller. It sounds like a Tiger King caller in jail.

Hello? Oh no. Hello? I hear a knife hit linoleum. Sir, obviously you're calling from the penitentiary. Welcome to We're Here to Help. Can we get your name and what jail you're calling from, please? What does it say? Hi there, yes.

I am in Milwaukee cell block here. Whoa. And we're going to change the name. We're going to go with Jesus. Jesus is your name. You're calling from Milwaukee. Guy changes his name, picks the King of Kings. I like the cut of your jib.

From the King of cities as well, Milwaukee gorgeous. A lot of great people from there. And you're wearing an old style hat. I am from Milwaukee originally. I'm very proud of that. Jake loves it too. Um, sir, Jesus, you're on with Jake and Gareth, but you're also on with not only a fantastic advice giver, and we're excited for Pete to solve the problems,

but a great comedian and a host of his own. He needs to. Yes. He needs to. You made it weird. Give it up for Pete Holmes and Donald J. Trump. It's great to see you. Wonderful state, Wisconsin. I believe you all voted for me, best president since Lincoln. And let's give it up for Al Pacino, too.

I am also here. Yeah. How you doing, boy? That guy. Nailed it! I mean, Tom is a man. Nailed it! How are you?

I love Wisconsin. Wow. Nailed the spotlight. 100%. 100%. Just like Pacino. We turned it around. OK, what do we got?

All right, Edwish, what's going on, bud? I have a very, very interesting issue around. Okay. What do we got? All right. What's going on, bud? Very, very interesting issue here. Okay. Like most people, every morning I wake up, I have my coffee, go to work, and I take my morning deuce. Wow. Okay. Right. Just like most folks.

Doogie Howser, MD, morning deuce. Morning deuce. Don't give me a ha ha. Just give me silence. While I'm sitting in the stall. This guy gives me a ha ha, just give me silence. While I'm sitting in the stall. This guy gives me a ha ha. Wait, hold on, wait. Hold on, while you're sitting in the stall.

The stall's interesting too, okay. Twice a week, at least, a person who sits next to me in the office comes strolling in as well. However, he is not sitting in the stall next to me, he starts brushing his teeth. Wow. And now all I can think about, I'm done going to the bathroom, but this guy's got my food particles in his mouth.

Jesus. I like how intense... Sounds like you're in the stall right now, by the way. How intense you pitched this, Jesus. So... If this gets a fake name, you take po way. How intense you pitch this, Jesus. So this gets a fake name. You take poop. How are you in the cone of shame? I hate to say this, but sometimes I defecate.

The fucking guy brushes two first while you're doing a do for that guy is the guy who he's got to call in with a fake biblical name. So, hey, so just so we're on the same page, you wake up, you drink coffee, you get to work. You go to the bathroom when you first get there. Yeah. Two days a week, a guy comes in there and brushes his teeth while you're doing this. At least two days a week. Okay.

And it's not just some guy. It's the guy who sits next to me. So he comes in the bathroom. He brushes his teeth Then you guys sit right next to each other and you're thinking Taking a dump you're brushing your teeth Is your question? This is what do you do? How do you move on? Sounds like you're already killing it. I can't You're making this guy taste the rainbow. You know what I mean? You definitely have a power play on this guy. Yeah, this guy should have in his mouth.

If you ever have an argument, you go, oh yeah? How's that aqua fresh tasting? Because I'm adding a fourth stripe. I'm adding a fourth stripe to that aqua fresh. Who's this guy? This guy. He's in between. My name is Phil.

Phil. I live in Queens. Yes. I have a roller skating rink and everybody skates for free The only guy who owns the roller skates. Yeah, I own it and everything I sing sort of rhymes rinkin free close enough have some fries This don't have me on your podcast. Don't ruin it. My mom would say he was real wild. Oh, yeah evil fine feet wild Wild she gets really mad when Gareth and I are too wild she would go that guy

You guys are wild he says David Wade's jr. Rune new girl, and she calls him Draymond way on and she goes He was just so wild on that shit. I go. I thought it was really funny too much too wild so all right I'm gonna bring it down. No don't bring wild. So all right. Hey, Suze. No, don't bring it down. Don't bring it down for your mom. So hey, Suze, we're trying to get to you here. So coffee, dump, guy brushes, you sit next to each other, floor is yours.

What is the specific question? It's a very interesting setup. Yes. How do I tell you? Hold on, what character is about to come out it's a new guy let him out let him out there's no secret poop one seat a bathroom in your building bullshit is Was that Phil? That was Phil again! Oh my God! It was Phil, the roller skating guy. Even at the rink we got a one seater.

So. You gotta have it for the differently abled. He surprisingly won't. For the differently abled, I don't say disabled. Everyone's abled. Katelyn Abled! This is a surprise on Phil. Yeah, I did nothing from Jersey Roller Skating.

Didn't buy the turn. No, no. It's shocking. First note. It's all directing. So, Jesus, so what is the specific question we can try to help you with today? How do I tell him or do I not tell him? It's driving me nuts all day. How do I tell him? Ooh. Or do I not tell him? Yeah, I'm gonna...

It's driving me nuts all day. Okay, so this is on your mind a lot, that your, you know, your dump is going into his mouth. Your poop, your poop crop, crop dusting. Yes. Yeah. Okay, so... It feels like a recycling, like a vent...

Interesting. And so... And he's bringing it in his mouth. Yeah, it's a human centipede needs dental care. Yeah. So this is something that you think about a lot you sit next to or do you guys have any sort of a relationship? Yes, and no, okay, so just work we have about 30 years apart from each other he's older than I But in another way, you're very close Name of this character because listen to me you are way, you're very close, aren't you? Name of this character.

Because listen to me, you are eating my poo poo. So you say, even though there's three decades between us, you do eat my DNA. What's your name? My name? Oh, my name is Charles. My wife calls me Charlie. I tell it don't.

You're Phil's dad. Phil? It was so much. Is it Phil again? I think it was Phil pretending to be Charlie. It became Phil. It wasn't at dad. Phil? It was so much- Is it Phil again? I think it was Phil pretending to be Charlie. It became Phil. It wasn't at first. Phil!

Okay, so- Phil is- Phil felt shame. It was Charlie! Yeah, right. Pretending to be another guy. It was Phil. Phil feels the pressure.

So, hey, Seuss. So, your coworker is 30 years your senior. You're a senior. You're a senior. You're a senior. You're a senior. You're a senior. You're a senior.

You're a senior. You're a senior. You're a senior. You're. So. Phil feels the pressure. So hey, Seuss. So your coworker is 30 years your senior. You don't have an overly close relationship, but you do small talk. You go to the bathroom every day at work. He comes in there brushes his teeth. The question is, do I tell him what do I do now? I'm seeing so many solutions. I feel like a beautiful mind. Starfish. There's so many solutions. I feel like a beautiful mind. Start fishing.

How many solutions? What do you got? Well, Phil said one. You're telling me there's no secret poop bathroom where you work. Yeah. So quick thing, is there a secret bathroom? The secret one. There's one.

We are downtown Milwaukee. There is. Beautiful. We have the whole floor, but there's only one restroom. OK. Oh, shit. OK. Two, Pete. You mean you can't go to another floor where there's a secret one seat or bathroom?

Can you go to another floor? They're quite not quite as nice as mine. Okay. So now you want a nice, adjusting my lifestyle. And I don't want to have to do that. I don't disagree. I don't disagree, but he did call a podcast. But he's not, but listen, here's podcast. Yeah, but but he's not listen

Here's where I'm with him. He's not the one brushing his teeth. No, I know you don't really have his problem Is he's trying to be decent? Yeah, he's having a baby. He doesn't want to go to the second floor He's like take a dump. He's not that decent He wants to help but not down a flight of stairs. Exactly right. Yeah, I have I have another solution. Go ahead Take you dump it home home bowl advantage. We call it down a flight of stairs. Exactly right. Yeah. I have, I have another solution. Go ahead. Take you dump it home. Home bowl advantage. We call it. Yeah.

What about, why do you take a dump when the first thing you get to work? That is a little, because I can only shit when my friend brushes his teeth. It's a thing. Also, why do you only poop when your company is paying you to do it? I like that move. Hey, Sus. Why not? Why not take a dump?

Yeah, that is half the reason. Oh, because part of it is that you're getting paid to poop. Yeah, stick it to the man. Yeah. OK. All right. It's a dream. Fuck you for giving me health insurance, you say.

All right, beautiful mind, what else you got? Was that it? Pooping at home, secret bathroom. Three, why would you tell him? There's no issue. Let him enjoy it. If he likes your homegrown potpourri, let him inhale it.

Oh, Phil. The potpourri. I... I don't know. What do you got? Well, go ahead, Garf. I don't know. I think I would have to bring it up in some way.

It's, again, I mean, if it's a problem for him, then he's obsessed with it. You can't un-think this. Here's what I would do if it's a problem for him, then he's obsessed with it. You can't unthink this. Here's what I would do. What about, what about a fake out? What about if you're saying that he pretty much is on your trail? Why not go in there, sit down and just don't drop the deuce at all. He comes in, he brushes his teeth.

You get up, you do a long hand wash. He'll leave after brushing his teeth. Then you return to business. Yeah. You do a long hand wash, he'll leave after brushing his teeth, then you return to business. Are you indirectly pitching that you think the guy is brushing, waiting and watching? I don't know, but it's been brought up. Because you're pitching that the other guy, the old guy goes like, there goes his sister, his morning dump. There's a little bit of free toothpaste out its way. The only reason you do a fake out is that once he's done brushing,

you can then go back, dump out and go. Then you release the hammer. I tricked him because he's following me. Yes. Well, actually, that's why I think we're on to something there, actually. I think you're sort of why the middle of the road, not so great pitch did open up an area that is going to be helpful here. This guy. Thank you. The middle of the day, not so great pitch, did open up an area that is gonna be helpful here. This guy, the middle of the day, office toothbrushes are a type.

Are they not? Yes. Not quite Phil. Are they not? Yes. This motherfucker's doing it the same time every day, hey, Suze, just tell us your real name, you piece of shit. This guy's doing it every day at the same time,

he's doing it after lunch. Right. So if you watch him like a stakeout when you eat pistachios, you're a drunk. If we find out Pete was drunk, that would be the greatest thing in the world. You have been old. The green juice was gin. I'm juiced. I'm not drunk.

We find out Pete's and rehab in a week! We just read about it. I'm just saying there's no way this guy doesn't have a schedule. You learn it, you adapt. I don't drink, but Phil does. Hold on. I don't have a problem with that! Phil does!

It's Phil who does all the drinking. So, hey, Suze. Do you think, because... Pete and Gareth are acting like we're going in a good direction here, but I think this is a wild idea. Do you think this guy is purposefully brushing while you're dumping? I'm not suggesting there's a fetish thing. But if you're saying a fake out, you're faking him out because you're like- Well, it was brought up that more than twice a week, this guy is brushing while he's shitting. Yes, so one comes after the other

So this guy's seeing him go to the bathroom and he's like I should go So he says back to you. Is there any truth to this because this would open up a whole new can of work This is a different thing The guy you work with suppose You talk it could be however I believe they are just coincidences. That's what I thought too. So the fake out is then in essence just a weirdness.

I'd still like you to try it for two days. It's just a coincidence. So now you're sitting on a toilet bowl. Gareth, imagine he gets caught. What were you doing? Just sitting in here while you brush your teeth. You're doing jeans on still. Yeah, exactly. Could a courtesy flush solve every problem we're having right now?

Not a bad call there. Could a courtesy flush? Not a bad call there. What about that? Flush as you go, Jesus. Flush as you go. You don't give him a chance to brush the particles. That helps him. Yeah. Who else are we trying to help? Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Hey, Jesus. I wonder. Who else are we trying to help? Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Hey, Jesus. I wonder who else we're trying to help Jesus are we cleaning a spot where there's no stain Jesus? I got a pitch. Go Jake. I got a pitch and I think I'm being real on this but I'm not positive Okay, that's interesting

That net positive I'm right. I don't know if this is a real pitch but in my heart of hearts I believe it is right now. Okay, I think you need to tell him interesting that you feel uncomfortable He's brushing while you're taking a dump and that maybe he can wait until you come back Because he might be an older guy and he's just not thinking about it the older we get the dumber we get you start forgetting So if you get in your routine, he might be thinking, my teeth always hurt, I got these cavities, I gotta remember. After I eat, I gotta brush and floss. And he's not thinking. You're fucking, you're eating my poo, man.

It's disgusting. I'm also gonna say, let him go first. If we're gonna have the conversation say, would you please brush first? But it's hard because after that morning coffee, that dude's just talking. Because it's knock, knock, knock knocking. It's not knock knocking. So do you think there's a reality here?

And if so, do you think you could approach him and say, hey, friend, I say this, how are you doing this? Act it out. Has is can you act it out? Oh, boy. Is the guy's fill by. We're all hoping it is. OK, here I am. Is the guy's name Phil by any chance? We're all hoping it is. OK, here I am.

Is there any world, before we get into the reenactment, is there any world that you would possibly do this for real? Because if not, we can have a lot more fun just doing voices. You can't just go up to him and you've got to, you should maybe frame it as a, you know what's crazy, dude? I know you brush, like I was just. No, I think it's got to be more, right after it happens.

Yes, that's what I mean. Yeah, like you both walk out and you go- I don't know how you do that. I couldn't do that. It would embarrass him. You go, have you noticed you always brush your teeth after I take it down? Or you just say-

Then he just turns red. Or you say, hey man, all right, hey Sus, can I give this a shot? Please. Do you wanna be the older guy, Pete? Okay, my name is Gene. He sounds a lot, Gene sounds a lot like Philly. Maybe.

Gene's gonna be a whole different guy. And Gareth, I'm sure we're gonna find somebody for you. I'll find somebody. Hello, my name is Gene. Oh, that's good. I can't wait to brush my teeth today. Great, all right. But something's wrong.

There's something I usually see that reminds me. How long have you been sitting on this park bench, Gene? What story do you need to tell to start this movie? Because this is the beginning of a movie. Forrest Dump. Forrest Dump. Forrest Dump. This is Forrest Dump. Something. Dump. This is Forrest Dump.

Something. Okay, I'm now Gene and I'm at the office. Yes. You just got back, I was dumping, you were brushing. And I go, mm, that was minty fresh. We're just back at these seats. Ah, yes, time to do what I do. Mm.

Yes. I wanna see what else Gene does. He's a real mystery to me. He eats my shit and he's weird. My mouse hasn't been plugged in my whole career. Oh well. Hey Zeus, I'm gonna jump in. Hey, Gene.

It's gonna get weirder. There's a hole in the desk. I've been banging Okay, hey Jim Enjoy I'll see you tomorrow Yeah, yes, yes Were you just in the bathroom? Yes Were you brushing your teeth? Every day, you know, I was taking a

dump. That's a little gauche. Oh, that's a little wild. I guess. Taking a dump. Do you mean a BM? Sorry. I'm more of a BM man. I just wanted to let you know that I was taking a BM while you were brushing your teeth and I just wanted you to know that I think we're on the same schedule and I just want you to know this and then it's up to you but out of human respect it's up to me. You're brushing while I'm BMing. Oh my god. Yeah. Well, wouldn't it make more sense for you to wait? I always brush my teeth after lunch. No

I'm not gonna make any changes Have you considered going down one flight to the secret poop bathroom, I'm not gonna change my schedule So you care about me? We're in a danger zone here. So is there any world you would bring it up to him? But if he comes back like that, we don't have a lot to stand on. No we don't.

We don't. The best case would be, my God, thank you for letting me know. I will wait, I will rest. Yes. Gareth, what do we do here? I'll tell ya. A lot of this lives in your head because the truth is this guy is not so,

he's not repoopulating your office with your poop from his mouth. I think it's more of a phobia versus a reality. I do think what Gene just brought up might be the move. I know you're uncomfortable with the different floor move, but it seems like that will remove the problem. If you do want to have the talk, I think it's just as simple as saying, like, hey man, just so you know, all good if that's what you want. I get another pitch.

But that's kind of gross. Or we incorporate mouthwash. Or- Oh, mouthwash. What do you work? a scope of sponsor? A little well, no, not as I fix the Listerine. Ninety nine point nine percent of germs and plaque that live inside your mouth. Hey, so what about fart sounds?

Let them know. The Beach Boys album. What about heightening it? Farting in the bathroom is throat clearing when someone doesn't know you're behind them. Yes. That's just a little. So what's basically happened is a little trumpet solo that does. Oh, not alone. But that's what it is. He's in there. He's brushing.

He's 30 years plus. All you got to do is go in there when he goes in there, just go. Nope. And he'll go. It's got to know it'll be like that. My God, what have I been doing? You're Jean. Yeah, you'll be like this. My God, what have I been doing? You're Jean. Yeah. You're in the bath. Can I step in with a note, Jake? I think it's over. Fine. You're Jean. You're Jesus. Okay. Oh really? Yeah. He's bastard. Oh God. Oh God ouch. Oh I actually think it's who's I actually think

No run hey, so get out of here. Would you do us a big favor? They have a stick on the floor below you try fart sounds give us one Give it up Nice I like that. Let me know something about your personality, that choice agreed that it wasn't wet, it wasn't great. And his diet. Yeah. And your diet.

Here's another question. Here's another thing. Real quick. Real. Yeah. Yeah. I want to myth bust it. I want to myth bust. Yeah. Does toothpaste really absorb? Is it really like a tofu like material that takes from the atmosphere? Well, more. Yeah. More toothpaste really absorb? Is it really like a tofu-like material that takes from the atmosphere? Well, I think it's more than just breathing.

Gene comes in and pee-pees. I hear you. He's breathing. He's breathing. Is he getting your poop particles? Are we worried about breathers? You know what I think? Or is it just brushers?

I think it's... I also... What about yawners? I also... Who will stand up for the yawners? The hiccup people. Who will stand up for the yoners? The hiccup people! Who will stand up for the hiccup folks? Pete Holmes checked into a rehab facility in Malibu, California. Under the name Phil House.

Cool Breezes. He is doing well. Cool Breezes! Pete says Phil is doing great. UTA and his management are very supportive. Unlike Elizabeth Shoes. Sorry, I really had to get out one of the hiccup community. No, as you should have without I think to your point I'm community. Let's what is that? You told me you were chewing gum you go in a bathroom chewing gum Are we worried about this motherfucker? By the way, everything you're saying is right. These are all discusses. I know

No it's It's just too loud. No. It's What if the same guy went in and brushed his teeth every day while you ate gum every day? So I don't think it's that one guy is just specifically doing the same thing and he happens to If a guy came in while I was taking a dump and went Is he blowing bubbles? Yeah, then I go hey man You're in there doing that weird bubble thing in the mirror while I think it dump every day This is you're on the train tracks on the train. We're banging into each other

Yeah to some extent I think the myth busters point is right because I think the way it works is when you flush is when it it Spreads itself. I think when you're just sitting there, I think it but maybe some of this just lives in your head Hey, Zeus, I want to know poop particle theory. Yeah. So hey, Suze Do we have a size I will say he's just hung up long ago It was Kevin the whole time. We just he just got he wanted to be here more Phil So here's where we're at on this one Try to go to the other floor, which you said you didn't want to do

I'm not mad at it. Two, you're gonna keep doing it because you're getting paid to dump. Three, the idea of why even tell them, but we're telling them because there's a moral issue, not a big moral issue, but a little one. Are you closing in on four, which is yours, which is the right solution?

Which is fart sounds. Four, fart sounds. The Great Beach Boys album. And five, talk to him five is a risky one five is a risky last call have you ever talked to this guy fives Carson Daly guys have you ever talked to this guy we know that worked out do you ever chat with this motherfucker yeah you do what's he like What's he like? What's he like? He's a grandpa. I mean, he's a grandpa. I think you've got to talk to that's what when you said 30 years, he's an older guy.

He's not thinking about it. Yeah. So I think big fart sounds are going to wake grandpa up to the put him back in the reality of what he's doing. Hey, so would you ever talk to him about this? And if so, are you willing to wear a wire? Please. I think I'm leaning towards Big Fart Sound. Okay. I would add in some of your own personal Adam Sandler from back in the day. Make it like you're under duress in there so that he doesn't want to be around this.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Hey, Sus, can you do us a favor and take the floor right now and actually run us through what you're really going to do next time he's in there brushing so we can get a sense of this? All right. I think it'll be a bit of Doro And then maybe a courtesy flush I forgot about the courtesy flush. I would say if you're going to do it. It was excellent You did stop too soon bigger, too

I would say could we do it again and just go a minute straight of farts. And let's go bigger. Let it be gross. You're trying to get him to leave. OK, so he walks in the room. You hear the door open and the brush starts. I'm just realizing it's Monday at two o'clock. He's doing this at work. It's two o'clock and I worked at it.

So by the way, I, you know what? I got my real pitch for, you know, and I'm dead. Now I know this is right. You do fart sounds, then after you walk up and you go, hey Carl, sorry about all those farts. I've had some stomach issues and he'll go, well that's what happens in the bathroom. And then you could say, what were you doing in there?

And he goes, brushing my teeth. And you go, well I was farting? Oh, I'm sorry man,. We should probably coordinate it. That is so good. Can I pitch on the page? Hey, man, you go back to your desk. Hey, man, I'm so sorry. I took a number two while you were brushing your teeth and farted.

I would never do that if I knew. Yes, that's that's on me, man. So introduce the idea that it's gross to him. And you're being apologetic And if he says no problem And then next time next time it's dude time you say to him. Hey, I'm gonna go in there You brushing your teeth anytime? Yeah And then you go give me five minutes. Yeah, go. Thanks, buddy. Yeah, I'm

Thrilled yes, I can see why this is a popular show Closure of this real Solution now. Hey, it's real. Hold on. We don't know yet. This is where it becomes a mystery. Okay Are you going to do this at the collar goes fart sound still works for me? Yeah, are you going to do this? Oh, it's this one. I Think that was a hundred percent advice I was looking for. There we go. Yes! When you do this, can you try, there's two options that we're going to need from you. One, can you record the fart sounds on your phone in the bathroom so we can hear those?

And two, can you record the conversation you have so we can at least hear your end of the start of it of you saying? Hey, man, sorry about all those. Well, you might not even need the fart sounds. Yeah use the fart to initiate it Okay, I would say the farts lead to the beginning of it helps the show. Yeah, so can you? I'm just helping. Can you? It's weird. Can you try to do that and if you can record some of it, if not, just follow up with how it went? I think the apology. Yes, I could do that.

Man, thank you for the call. You're going to get out of the woods on this one. I believe it. Thank you so much. Thank you, buddy. All right, Jesus. Take care. And we are brought to you by ZocDoc.

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and get your first month free when you go to greenlight.com slash Gil sent me. That's greenlight.com slash Gil sent me that's green light dot com slash Gill sent me to try green light for free Greenlight.com slash The thrill of the real thing I know it takes a minute. Oh, hey caller Here to help America's number one podcast, don't look it up. Can we get your name, age, and where you're calling from, please? My name is Katherine, I am 28, and I'm calling from Nashville, Tennessee.

Beautiful. All right, Katherine, I'm not going to lie, you have Jake, who's fantastic, me, I'm in the middle of the road. Fantastic. You have a killer joining us today. Host of his own podcast, which Jake has been on and I'll be on soon. You made it weird. We have Pete Holmes joining us today. Also a man of a thousand voices. There we go. Pacino Trump. Phil. Phil. So

Catherine, what is going on and what can we help you with? Well, thank you all for having me. So about a year ago, we moved to this neighborhood where there's a lot of stray cats. I live on like a one street road and there's probably 12 cats that live on the street. And our neighbors, they all- No, why so few is my question. Are these stray cats?

Are these housed? These are, you're saying strays, right? They're all stray cats. Oh, okay.. Are these stray cats? Yeah. Are these housed? You're saying strays, right? They're all stray cats. Oh, okay. Yeah, all stray cats. You want a gumbo recipe? Or? Just kidding.

I love cats. I'll tell you what, you don't have is a rat problem. That's true. That's true. You gotta look at the good. There you go. Oh, yeah. It's the circle.

Phil. Phil? It was Phil. Catherine, floor is yours. 12 stray cats, one street. Yes, and our neighbors all love the cats and everyone takes care of the cats. And there's like, some people have got little houses for the cats to stay in.

Everybody feeds them. So when we moved on the block, we also started kind of taking care of the cats and feeding them. Yeah. And so there are a few cats that have started becoming less feral, I guess, and more friendly with us. So some of them will come right up to us and like wait for us when we get back from work. And some of them will let us pet them. And a couple of them have moved into our backyard. But they just came into the backyard

and they permanently live in the backyard now. I think this is how most people get their cats though, right? Sort of, yeah. I mean, this is the naturalization of the cats. We have two cats that just shut up. Your cat, he just was in. Didn't you meet Jose in an alley? Meat is weird.

But no, an ex-girl, meet him in an alley? Steve Burke told me that you had a... Wasn't he solving crimes? Meet him? No, I'm gonna go to Tinder. With a fishbone. Yeah, yeah. Gareth, you had that crime and you were trying to solve it

and you met that cat. I think you're thinking of a cartoon. Now anyhow, I'm gonna be in rehab in a week and a half. With Pete. No, so I thought you met the cat because it was like in a gutter. No, I was thought you met a I thought you met the cat because it was like in no matter No, I was in a gutter. No, my ex-girlfriend was like he's gonna get euthanized today and brought him over I gotcha. Okay, so I met him. So Catherine basically chill. Yeah

Real chill like a real sweet woman you might want to get back with that woman What emojis were play? Well, I did write back, kill him. Kill him. I call your bluff, kill him, send photos. Put him in an alley, maybe I'll meet him later. Put him in an alley. I'd love to meet him. The first cat, beautiful cat, little paws, very quiet,

walk around, doesn't wake you up. Catherine, 12 cats, two of them, Catherine, interesting. Two two of them. Interesting. Nice. Interesting. Two of them have started coming to your backyard. I'm not seeing a big problem yet. Just seeing an interesting cat set up.

That's not really the problem. The cats, they are friendly, but they are still feral cats. So they don't want to be adopted. I've kind of tried, but they will. They'll come up to us and I've tried to like trap them in the house and keep them, but they, they don't really want to be outdoor animals. Unless you have an outdoor world for them, like a, you could build a little, and I know this cause we've done it like a little hut that they have an easy in,

easy out and they get fed enough. They'll come around, but these little cats want to live out and have the adventure of a lifetime. So I've kind of done that. Okay. But the problem is so I have been letting them in the house but they don't want to be trapped in the house. They want to be able to leave the house. So I have been I have like a sliding door and I put a jam in the door so they can come and go especially like when it's storming outside and stuff so they can come in. But the problem is the cats aren't the only ones that appreciate, I guess, our home. And so we have other animals trying to get into the house now. And for example, a couple of weeks ago, I had left the door cracked for the cat to come in and sleep in the living room. And I woke up and there was a possum in our house.

Oh, shit. So that's the real problem. I want to take care of my god. Oh, God. You have to know about. We just got an image of the trash. Paul Giamatti is awesome. So there's a photo for anybody who's just listening. There's a photo of a really nice looking kitchen and a beautiful possum and a possum in your garbage can.

Yeah, I hate this. And the garbage is all over the floor. I'm going to I'm going to solve it right now. Close your new record. Close the door. For the show. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Thank you. Close the door. Yeah. That's the door. The cats won't give a shit. Close the door. They. Close the door.

The cats won't give a shit. Close the door. They don't want to be in. They don't want to be in anyway. Well, you are using the verb trap pretty often. Stop trapping wild animals into your home. Or become cooler with possums. Yeah.

Possum's just a cat with a different tail. Possum's an angry cat. An out of feral cat in a possum. Yeah, similar. What's so bad about having a pet possum? That guy's dying to be in your house. By the way, now that I'm looking at it a little longer. It's adorable.

It's like a magic eye. It was one thing at first, but now I'm just seeing a winning situation. Let me get a zoom. It looks like he has a cold beer. Yeah. Look at this guy. Oh my God.

Look at this guy. Yeah, he seems like the coolest. He really does look like he opened a soda. He seems like the coolest dude ever. So Catherine, you leave. Look at his tail. Yeah, he seems like the coolest dude ever. So Catherine, you leave. Look at his tail. Oh, is that gross? Well, let me ask you, Catherine,

why won't you close the door? So part of the reason I won't close the door is because the cats have now become accustomed to a certain standard of living. Right. And so they expect to be able to come inside. So I'll hear them Breeding at the back door Catherine I got a I got to clean this up a little bit just for my own brain. Yes

You live you moved in a neighbor. There's a lot of stray cats the stray cats do not want to live in the house You've started forming a bond with two friendly cats. They meowed the door. You let them in. They don't want to get trapped. So you've decided to just leave the door open. The problem is other animals, like a literal huge possum, has come into your house in your kitchen. A tail that looks like a witch's finger.

It looks like a Star Wars thing. It's disgusting. So your specific question is what, Kathryn? How can we... How do know what I would do. I know what I, my instant thing is you gotta close your door. Yeah. But what is your specific question here? And then we could see, cause we are on your team, we're your friends, we're going to help you here.

You want the cats in the house, but not the possum. So what is the specific question? I guess the specific question is, if I want a solution for the cats that doesn't involve the possum, what would you suggest? Because I'm out of options. I've given them outdoor houses. And they don't go to the outdoor houses.

Possums love them. Yeah, they don't want those though. And I do feel bad for them. I do like them. Yeah. Well, is don't want those though. And I do feel bad for them, I do like them. Yeah, I get it. Well, but at what cost? Is there a superstitious shape that a possum won't cross through?

Yeah, so that's, I mean, it's hard because I mean, it's not like there's certain music a possum would enter the house to. Corn. Is the possum the same size? I'm just spitballing. Yeah, yeah, like a cat door. Is it possible to have a tiny door

that's only cat size? A possum will get in yeah So you've created a real danger zone Catherine possum knows there's food in that box Mm-hmm, so that your house is just a weird box to that possum, but it's literally been in your garbage So that's a food source. It's never it's gonna teach its kids Yeah inside that house is next to that weird black dishwasher. That's generational wealth right there. It is. This is for this possum community.

Not only did you not hurt the possum or relocate it, well, you let it probably eat until its hot ass was full and walk out. How did you get the possum out? He's never been full. She fed him. She threw Reese's Pieces until it walked out. She cut up a cat. Or she's going to go, I didn't let him out. He's watching TV right now.

He's sitting on the couch next to me. Have him on for the follow up. He has a gun pointed at her while she's on the phone. Stop calling. So Catherine, how did you get the possum out? So, you know, if you know anything about possums, which I didn't until this close encounter, I guess, but they freeze when they get scared. So when I went downstairs, I got that picture and I sent it to my husband who was out of town.

What a text to get while you're out of town. Honey. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know. I'm in the middle of a meeting. There's a possum. I can't solve every problem.

Honey, I have an issue. You got it. There's a possum. I can't solve every problem. There's a possum in the downstairs. Honey, I have an issue. You got it. There's a possum in our kitchen. Fuck! Well, in that time, the possum, they freeze when they get scared. Yes. And he froze and he fell behind that garbage can.

Oh, my Lord. He played dead. Yeah. And so then I had to take the garbage can out and I went and got some fish from the fridge and I put it on a plate for him. This is what I'm saying. I knew she did this. And I would lure him out.

Yeah, you fattened him up. But then every time I come downstairs, he would freeze like that. You let him know you have fish? And so then afterwards you did what? You gave him fish and what did he do? He ate the fish. I would come downstairs like every 10 minutes and slowly move it closer to the door because he'd freeze every time I went down there.

This is my favorite movie of all time. You guys are my favorite buddy comedy. Yeah. Your solution is such a problem. I'll tell you what, it's very sweet. It's very sweet. But I'm gonna tell you, as the possum, which I relate to more.

Of course. You have shown me that you will leave the door open for cats. You don't want me. Who cares? I'm in. Then when I eat your garbage, I have a disorder. When I get scared, I pass out. I'm not psyched about that.

Everybody knows that's how we mostly get relocated. But what I'm telling my friends, this fucking lunatic, I wake up, there's a bowl of fish. So I eat the fish, he comes down, scares me for no reason, I pass out. As you do. When I wake up, the fish is still there. It's like a legend. It's like a myth.

They're going, oh sure Ronnie, she gave you a bunch of fish and you passed out nine times, he goes, I swear on my life. It's even more full. And he goes, I'll tell you what, the door's open right now, I'll go in there again. So you are creating a really problematic relationship with this little son of a bitch. I need to know how annoying the cats are.

Are they like keeping you awake? What kind of meowing are we talking? Screeching, meowing, clawing, scratching? Yes. How ignorable is it? They do cry. I worry that it is bothering the neighbors sometimes. That's how loud they'll get. So here's what I got. I am emotionally attached

to them. So I wonder if maybe that makes it sound louder. Well, you care about you. You're obviously a sweet human being. Here's the solution. I have it. Have a baby. You will give zero fucks about any of these animals. Have one baby, and you will hear them crying and you will laugh and throw your flick-lit cigarettes at these fucking cats. You will give zero shits. When you have a baby, the pets go from number two to number 102. It's so sad but true. Let this be the way.

You will learn. Let this be the way I've spoken. The baby will be crying. One of those cats, you'll just walk out there go But Catherine we're here to help you you're in this spot Gareth what do you got? You know what up? I mean, I honestly I feel like the possum came in when you weren't home, correct? But the door was open. Yes, I think the solution I was asleep. She just she she oh at night leaving I have general

24-7 is not good. Hold on. You just turned me into a 50 year old dad for a second young lady You're opening your back door and going to sleep home alone. There's other My husband's out of town. Let me just crack the door. No way! You know what I love about what you just did, Jake? It's jammed. You can't... If a possum could get in, so could a burglar. It's jammed.

The possum burglar. What are you talking about, Catherine? She's got fish. She'll get out of a robbery. It's possum burglar. Wait, you can't leave the back door open and pass out when you're home alone. No. And a tray of fish ain't going to help a crook.

I'll tell you. It might. It might. Well, you're going to scare him. The crook's going to pass out. What is that, yellow tail? And then he goes, she goes, a crook came in. He got scared, passed out.

I left all my jewelry by the door. Wait, this is why they call them cat burglars. They can get in spaces left for cats. Well, especially with the good old cats. It's not. Yeah. Well, it might be. Because they're quiet, I think.

Well, in part, yeah, probably quiet. Maybe. Maybe. But first of all, cat burglars. And Oh, I didn't know that. It's not. Yeah. Because they're quiet, I think. Yeah, probably quiet. Maybe. And if you push them off their land. First of all, cat burglars. And you can see their buttholes. I don't think that is true. No, it's true.

But cat burglars have their anus. They're all black outfit, black knit cap. You can see the buttholes. Perfect buttholes. Little cut on the booty. You can see the butthole. And what I like about it is you can see the butthole. Now I'm talking about the pinkest of the pink.

At my roller rink. Oh, Phil. Phil jumped body. I'm Phil Standen. I just do Phil when the real Phil didn't show up. But hold on. He was needed. For starters, Catherine, why you have to have a schedule when that door locks and I wrong Catherine

Wait, what was it? So? First sorry a giraffe just came in my living room Sorry distracted. I was putting out a bowl of jello for a giraffe Sorry, there's a hawk in my shower Let me just open some of these windows Sorry, there's a hawk in my shower. Let me just open some of these windows and kill her beans. This is the premise of Dr. Doolittle. You are?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're so close to being the kooky lady that's friends with the animals. And if you could hear him talk, they would just be like, we take advantage of it. If you said your husband when he was out of town, it's because he's a screenwriter, and he just got the line and realized he doesn't have ideas, and this was the past, this was how Dr. Doolittle was. You got Jumanji'd, lady. You've been hard Jumanji'd. So I don't think we could pitch on real ways in a real world.

We can do bits about what a cat might like that a possum wouldn't. We can't do music. They all like the same stuff. They're wild animals. They like free food and warm places. Do possums have a different sleep schedule. What if you kept... They're nocturnal. They're nocturnal, so they sleep during the day.

Cats don't sleep during the day. So one of the solutions is we keep it closed at night. But rats. I think in general, a good policy... Other squirrels. Any animal can get in your house. Trump. Trump's in there.

You thought I was coming. No. Trump's in the basement. I don't understand the rats coming. You got some tasty garbage, Catherine. The way I have the door set up right now, it would let it's open enough for like a 15 pound animal or smaller to get in. I have a new solution. I did actually go. All right. Radioactive is let them all be exposed.

You become their sensei. So you got some teenage food, not your bosom. Your splinter, your splinter. I have a pitch. I have a pitch. Jake will be your shredder. Shredder is a major shredder.

I always thought Shredder was the good guy. He's out there with the brain. Catherine, here's what I'm thinking we could do. Breck. Because you're not, you don't wanna take the obvious advice of keep your door closed. So it feels like we can get out of this call

and at the end you're gonna go, yeah, but I feel bad. And then you're gonna have a possum issue which leaves us to no growth, no gain, no change. Here's what you can do. You can train these two cats to come through a higher window and you could create a cat door that is higher elevated than that possum can get to, and the way you do it is the same way you train a bear in a circus

to stand on two feet. Electricity. Nope. a little bit at a time So you take the two cats you're petting them then you put their food up on a ledge Yeah, then they get up there then that window ledge open it Then when they know how to do that that ledge is where they cry to That door never's open. Yeah, the door being open. Never is open.

But the window starts getting open. Then when they know that, then you build a cat door there, that only they, with their weird little cat bodies, can jump straight up. A cat can go from zero to six feet. A possum can't. Possum's three at best.

Possums pass out when they see people. These are things that aren't gonna make it in 100,000 years. This is the end of the road for these creatures. I mean, he is opening a beer in your trash, as Pete said. They got a couple generations left and they're done. It also looks like he's holding the door open and as soon as the picture was taken,

he was like, and good day. And he closed it. I said good day. Oh, you're still here, huh? That would work, but possums get scared and pass out when they see people. That's right. But I think that's pretty good.

I would also say, as you're in the mood of that, as you're on the road to that transition, just if the cat's meowing, let the cat in. I think having the open door policy is going to only get you into trouble trouble and especially at night I mean, that's just fucking looting crazy Someone needs to step in and just throw some water on this situation for you You can't just keep your door open all night every I mean you are gonna wake up some I mean, it's just good

It's bad. So Catherine. What do you think about the it's? Unriffably bad It's unriffably bad. It's unriffable. You're like, and you're going to wake up and there's... It's unriffably bad. It's so bad I can't even riff about it. It's a punchline-less problem. Well, it's why I went back to the window because I realized he's just saying it's really bad. Yeah, it's really bad. But there wasn't a solution.

No, my solution is that you play... Close the door. Well, if the cat meows, you open the door. Just like a regular relationship. I agree with that. Yes. But she's saying what happens if they meow at night? I think you make a better cat house Yeah, but you're saying they don't like the cat houses Could it be because they're not high quality, but you're also if you build a cat house

You're gonna get the possums in this so what are you? So that is the main problem is that the possums and raccoons like the cat houses, too So I think that's why the cats don't like them. Catherine, what do you think about the elevated entrance window? The EEW? I like that one. I had not considered that. I think it's a good idea.

And I do think I could train them. Yeah. So here's what you have to be Catherine, a little tough at the beginning. Cause guess what? The door is now closed to animals. Say it back. The door is now closed. The animal say it with a little conviction.

Like you believe it. It is all like your fingers aren't crossed. I, I think I'm just feeling like the door will be closed to animals. If I can figure something else out. Wait, what'd you say? You know, say it again. And I said, I feel like I could commit to closing the door. Yes.

If the cats have another way. So I see a window right behind that sink. Does that window, does, is that a window going to that blue door? Does that open? Yeah, that'd be perfect. Now we're talking. I can see it right there. So we have a solution.

If they meow, you open that, you have your fish, you say, come on in. Catherine, if you let them in the door, you're literally going to have possums in your kitchen like you have, it's madness. Could one of the cats be hired like a customs agent? It's pretty good. There's Glass, Jason Bourne.

You know, cats come up, you check their little kitty passport, you stamp it with your paw. Every once in a while a possum comes up he's wearing cat ears. Nope, not you. No, he faints. I knew it! You can't get past customs. They show you pictures of humans beings to see if you faint. He's a cat, let him in. I have global entry, he screams. So will you start doing the window entrance for real? The cat window. Yeah, I think I could do that, I do. So, you don't love it.

It doesn't sound convincing. You said, I think I can do that, I do. Rather than, yes, I'm doing it. Well, that wants to be Ace Ventura, but somebody needs to step in. Do you want all these animals in your house? No, I don't want all the animals. So what solution do you want?

These cats don't wanna live with you, Catherine. They wanna come in and mooch from you and leave. They don't. Catherine is a sweet lady. She tried taking them in. These cats do not wanna commit to you. They're just not She, you, Catherine is a sweet lady. She tried taking them in. These cats do not want to commit to you. Yes. They're just not that into you.

Yes. It's true. Catherine, listen, I got to give you the harsh advice. They're not as into you as you are into them. You're just another door. You're just another door. And they also let their possum buddy in. Well, they started blabbing.

Who do you think told the possum? Yeah, they started blabbing out in. Well they started blabbing. Who do you think told the possum? Yeah, they started blabbing out there, ragging and blabbing. I actually do this to my wife with our raccoons, but I pretend the raccoons don't respect her as much as she respects them. And they talk to me about it, because she feeds the cats and the raccoons will eat it,

and she'll go like, oh man, the raccoons got all the chicken. I'm like, they don't respect you, Aaron. When you're not around, they tell me about it, they'll be like, oh man, the raccoon's got all the chicken. I'm like, they don't respect you, Aaron. When you're not around, they tell me about it. They'll be like, this white lady just gives us chicken all day. She's an idiot. And I'll say to them, like, she's a really sweet lady, guys. Don't treat her this way. And she goes, she just puts this out and puts this out.

She's a goof. She's a goof and a goon. So what is the natural enemy of a possum? That's my last. People. Just people? Yeah, humans. Is there something that possums hate but cats are OK with people?

OK. So I. I. You know, any security guard 24 7. Well, what do you think, Catherine? I mean, it's not I mean, it seems like the best solve. Yeah. I just don't know if she's going to do it. I'm going to try. I'm going gonna try to get them to go through the window No, it's not try it. They're not gonna do it unless you for they're not gonna go like this You know what you're bringing up a lot of good points

I'm gonna learn a whole new skill as opposed to just walking through this door getting all the fish I want coming down when I want they will adapt. Yes, if you say They will get any food unless you just give it a shot I mean, but I think they will for the comfort of your house, they'll probably adapt. Wait, what if there's something that cats can climb but possums can't? Yeah. The texture. Ooh.

Like something, it's a Google away. Some ramp. Yeah. There are like little cat tunnels. Yes. Like what if they're kosher and you grease it up with like pig guts? Right. Yeah. And they're like, I would, it up with pig guts? Right. Yeah.

And they're like, I would, but I'm gross. Unfortunately. Heaven is worth it. But, Catherine, all this is going back to an elevated cat entrance that I'm just not convinced you're ready to do. It's like we're talking to somebody who has a drug problem and they're going like, of course I'm going to stop just not today. I just take my cadence for pain.

Yeah, but also not today. So, Catherine. We're not gonna hang up until we hear hammer in name. I'll close the door tonight. So, will you say tonight? How about during the day? Jake. I'll quit these cigarettes,

but I'm gonna finish the pack first. Let her finish the pack. No, Catherine, your door should not be open to wild animals. Yeah. Well, it might be good to get a couple cats in and let them back out through the window so we're establishing a new port of entry. Oh, I thought.

What does your husband say? I bet they would do that. Katharine, what does your husband say about all this? The husband's made up. He likes the animals. I think he doesn't like them as much as I do I think you prefer for the door to be closed at all times I wager that however enthusiastic about the animals he seems that's 10x reality yeah I think he's doing that and at night he's

just thinking like the George Harrison stabbing just like anyone just come in and just stab my lung whenever they want You found the riff. Yeah, I don't know if I did that I'm gonna say from this show. I knew you called in you're asking for advice We're gonna insist you take it That door is not Open to animals. If you open it, I need you to make a real promise and you're gonna call in a follow-up

and just admit the loss. And then we're not even gonna, we're not gonna get mad, you're just gonna say, like, if you say, like, I'm gonna get sober on Friday and then you party, you gotta come in and go like, hey everybody, I don't have 100 days anymore. That's okay. And then we are gonna start over.

That's right. But if you open that door, if an animal walks through that door, you need to call back and you need to say like, hey, my name is Lauren, I'm from, Catherine? Lauren was the last one. That's why I always keep a notebook. And you gotta say, I opened the door to animals and I have a problem and I can't stop. That's why I always keep a notebook. And you gotta say, I open the door to animals

and I have a problem and I can't stop. That's right. I don't care if cat fucking Williams comes to your door. Meow. Ain't no one coming in. Meow. Meow. What do you think about that?

I can do it. Send us some evidence. Door closes, if you break you do it and you call it okay okay and I can do it and whatever technique you start doing to get them up to the window we would like evidence of that thank you all right all right good luck and shark we are brought to you by stitch fix boy. Oh boy. I love me some stitch fix Shopping is not easy. We've established that all of us have a bit of trouble But stitch fix online is like a personal stylist making it easy for you

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You don't even have to think about it. Now, I love Hungry Root. You know who else loves Hungry Root? Our man who just lost 20 pounds and got a cigar humidor, I believe it's called. The shark, Kevin, you love Hungry Root. I had Hungry Root 15 hours ago. What I like about it is the portion control. It's midnight on Thursday. I am ready to party. And what would I do normally?

Have five to six burritos. I open up the fridge, Hungry Root has one. I have a nice easy setup, takes five, 10 minutes to make, I eat a normal amount of food at midnight. And I went, that was actually very nice. And go to bed not feeling food hangover. And Kevin, I don't mean to rain on the parade. Some people would tell you, hey, why are you eating at midnight, Chuck?

That's crazy. But it doesn't matter. Right now, Hungry Root is offering, we're here to help listeners, 40% off your first delivery and free veggies for life. Just go to hungryroot.com slash here to help to get 40% off your first delivery and get your free veggies. That's hungryroot.com slash here to help to get 40% off your first delivery and get your free veggies. That's HungryRoot.com slash here to help. Don't forget to use our link so they know that we sent you and I'm holding my fist

for you. All right, Shark, I'm going to get into this. I want everyone to listen to me, you too, Jake. I want to talk to you guys about Navage. Now, Navage Nasal Care is one of my favorite things ever. It is a game changer for anyone who has congestion or allergies, it uses a smooth saline flow and a gentle patented nasal suction to clear nasal passages.

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URL, navage.com slash here to help and using our promo code here to help. Again, to order your Navage free cleaning kit and for full product details, go to navage.com slash here to help. That's promo code here to help at navage.com slash here to help. Hey everyone, it's the shark. That's promo code here to help at nivage.com slash here to help. Hey everyone, it's the shark. The original call from this next follow-up aired on March 11th. It's called craggily hand with Darcy Carden and it is the second call in the episode. So if you'd like to listen as a quick refresher, go for it.

Enjoy. Shark. You do the intro on this one. Here we go. Hello, this is the Shark. Hello. Welcome back to the show. We have Jake and Gareth with us. Can you remind the guys what your name is, maybe an interesting fact about yourself, and then tell the guys what your original call was?

Yes. Interesting fact. Uh, I do burlesque. That's cool. You do ballet? Burlesque. Oh, burlesque. The sexier ballet. Cooler ballet, yeah. Okay, that's cool. And then can you remind the guys what your call was? Yep, sorry. Um, I called you cause me and my sister were on the same swingers app. Oh, right.

With Darcy. Was the caller. Oh, she had, your sister had craggly hands? Yes. Yeah. Right, okay. I'm having a little hard time hearing you, but now I'm putting it together.

So you and your sister, you found out you're on the same swingers app and you didn't wanna go to the same party and the idea of her craggly hands grows. Yeah, is that correct? And then what was our suggestion of what you should do oh My god, it was he made a lot of suggestions But I know you said talk for it, but But I know you said talk for it but it was just hard work and then I got my partner to and we were just trying to make like more like little suggestions and they just I just went weird but so a couple of months ago I was actually doing a burlesque show and my partner was waiting outside, waiting to see it

and he got a tap on the shoulder and it was them and they looked like they'd been up all night and we actually knew that there was a swingers party that night, like a massive one, it's like a saints and Sinners ball and they said oh what are you doing here and they didn't know that I did burlesque so he just broke the ice and told him and they're like oh that's great blah blah and he goes oh well what are you guys doing here you guys look like you've been up all night and they're like oh nothing like they weren't really weird anyways he just went out with it and he goes oh I heard that there was a big swing party last

night did you guys go ha ha ha anyways my sisters went right in the face and she's like nope gotta go and it's just been fucking weird for men, so that's what happened. You're welcome. So I think, just to catch up for us, I think we probably didn't recommend talk to them, knowing us. Right, or did we? We probably did something stupider than that. Talk to them, maybe Darcy said talk to them,

but I guarantee we said something really banger. I think there was a pitch of like coordinating like out of town, let's go out to dinner in another place. When they said yes, then you're going to go. Yeah. And so essentially you didn't do any of it. You talked a little bit. Your sister denied being a swinger and you guys are still just holding your breath Hoping not to see each other's genitals at a party. Is that correct? It's like at this point run the risk and if it happens it'll shock the system yes Well, I mean she's not gonna listen to us. Yeah. Just do your thing. If you happen to see your sister at a Swingers' club, please call back. Yes, right then. Tell us what happens. We need a hotline.

Yeah. We need like a 911 for the show. But it sounds like you're still the same pickle here and good luck. Yeah. Is that correct or am I misreading? So nothing's improved but you didn't really try anything. Have you and your significant other gone to a swingers party recently? We've been to them since we've talked to you and stuff like that. We've had people over and we're crazy kids really. Sounds pretty high. Yeah.

Sorry. Okay. Yeah, sorry Okay, well look I mean I would say keep us posted if there's a development in the direction of Improvement or not improvement, but for now it seems like Swinger stasis and it's nice to hear from you. It's nice. Yeah, nice to hear you're still swinging Nice to hear yeah, we appreciate you your first call was really fun. This is fun. And hopefully we talked to you again Yeah, we really love the swinging life. Yeah, Jake and I are both into swinging. So Not accurate My girlfriend would love to hear that I just thank you

We're here to help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds All right, thanks guys. Bye. All the best. Biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz,

biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, The theme song is made by Oliver Raleigh and you can check out his music at OliverRaleigh.com. That's Oliver R-A-L-L-I.com. The album artwork is by James Fostike. You can find him on Instagram at James underscore Fostike. D-I-K-E. And if you'd like to see me do stand up on the road, go to Gareth Reynolds dot com. Additional artwork by Patty Holland. You can find him on Instagram at paddyholland2004. And if you'd like early access to episodes, subscribe to our Patreon at patreon.com slash

your to help pod. And if you'd like to be on the show, email us your question at helpfulpod at gmail.com. All of the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.