We're Here to Help - 12: Fake Jake and Real Jim Jefferies

Episode Date: September 25, 2023

Jake, Gareth and special guest Jim Jefferies talk to a caller about something personal. Later, Jake and Gareth chat with a few people who thought they met Jake.  Want to call in? Email your question to [e-mail]. If you’re enjoying the show, make sure to rate We’re Here to Help 5-Stars on Apple Podcasts. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

We're here to Help. And boy, the senses are overwhelmed on today's episode. I mean, we are. Starting off, Jake, you are wearing a Green Bay Packers hat. You've got your Packers shirt. I mean, this is just, I like you more than I've ever liked you. That's what's amazing. We have a very fun episode.

We have a fun episode. We can't even spend time talking about how great you look as that because this episode. It's a big one. It's bonkers. Well, why don't we start by saying we have a very special guest for our first call. Truly one of the greatest comedians around who's been around for a while, but still very prolific. Jim Jeffries is our guest. He has a podcast called I Don't Know About That.

He also wanted us to say that he's on tour constantly, so you can go to jimjeffries.com for tour information. And we have a very spirited call with someone trying to spice it up. He is so funny. And he's so funny. He's just the best. He's a killer. And then our second call is based off

something that happened on instagram that if you if you follow me on instagram or you follow gareth on instagram you might have seen a little bit uh where there was a fake jake yeah there was somebody in a bar who was pretending to be me and today we interview the people who met fake jake and we're putting it under the umbrella of their question is was that you so it does work on the show it does work well and it's also i think it's also maybe a meta episode because for you it's sort of like what what we do now what's the move there's a fake jake what do we do now so we're trying to get get some more information we want to talk to to fake jake as well as fake jake please we're looking for you come uh we're not principals we want to talk to you yes so fun all fun so check out this episode we appreciate you guys uh sharing this uh we

appreciate you guys listening it's been a load of fun and i I guess that's it. This is a banger, so sit back, get ready. Hello. Hi there. Welcome to the podcast. We're here to help. You are on with Jake Gareth and our guest for this episode, the great comedian, one of the most prolific comedians in the business, Jim Jefferies. So no pressure. Oh, yeah, no, the pressure's not on at all. No.

No, this is just a normal call. Don't worry about it. I feel so relaxed now. Just be calm. It's just Jake Gareth and one of the greatest comedians of our generation, Jim Jefferies. So can we get your name, your age, and where you're calling from? So I am going to go by Amy. That is not my real name, in case somebody happens to hear this. I'm 32, and I live in New Hampshire.

Why don't you tell us why you're calling what can we help you with so i was looking for your help um my husband's birthday is coming up in november um and i was looking to surprise him with maybe some uh bedroom role play this is a totally new thing for us this is something that we've never done before, but this is going to be new and exciting. But I have no imagination, and so I need a character and a storyline.

Good for you, Amy. Good for you. So I felt like third party would be the best way to go for this. And I'm fully committed. You're going to 100% what we all agree on this call you're going to do and then you're going to follow up. Is that what you're saying?

Absolutely. I am committed. I'm thinking Ava Braun and Hitler just to start off with. That's the first option. That's a first pitch. But, Jim, who's who? How's your mustache going, jim who's who's who how's your mustache growing amy how's it going i also like how amy went i'm from new hampshire i'm 32 my husband's uh birthday is in november i i think he's gonna crack the code if he hears it if he

hears the voice i think i think you've left enough clues amy i don don't think changing your name is going to be... Especially when she puts on that Ava Braun outfit. He'll be like, yeah, no, that was you. That was you. Let me ask you this, Amy. How long have you been married? We have been married for five years. And no role playing ever?

No, but we are very active. We're all over the map. So this is just something new on the docket. Explain what that means. You're all over the map. You're very active, but no role playing. Can you walk us through what that means? We're just trying to help.

Like you go to Connecticut to bank too? Yeah, we're not perving out. We're trying to help. I picture they have a large map like a war room and they show you that. A Rand McNally bed set. We're not a sexually boring couple. Okay, so you've sort of explored the... Well, let's see what that means, Garf.

Sure, let's... Jake, if you want specifics, Amy, let's dance. Amy, are you talking swinging? What do you mean you explore? No swinging. We're waiting until about 10 years to go there. I'm sure someday we'll head down that rabbit hole, but we don have to go there yet can i give a small bit of advice on the swing do it while you're young you don't want to join the party too late it's true do it while the other

couples are still into you then you can make friends within the community and then in 10 years time you can still do it don't leave it to the last minute you don't want to leave limping or go the other way. Or start at 60 and just fuck a bunch of 60-year-olds and say, we're going out with a bang. Already some really good advice, so thank you. I'll let him know. So you guys are a little kinky?

Is that what we're picking up on? Yes, that's right along the lines. Yep. Everything except for, you know, no fire. Fire and fucking don't really work for us but you know that's kind of where we draw the line we're all drawing the line there i think i don't think any of us turn to the fire fuck i've never met a person who's done that you know what i do i love fucking and then the woman burns me like a girl comes out of my house i'm just

holding a can of gasoline and a lighter like oh we're in for a good night here i'll tell you what i've also never done in my darkest hours googled hot milf and burning people yeah the google search on that is zero i call it the australian bushfire the australian bushfire i'm sorry that actually has a lot of views and as soon as we hang up i'm googling that jake will be masturbating to hurt koalas by the end of the day like that's a letdown all right so tell us a little bit about uh your husband give us a fake name for him um we're going to go with tim um okay so so he is a gigantic nerd okay um he is in to everything from um we're gonna go with from lord of the rings to anime to magic the gathering dungeons and dragons sure gonna go yeah big time you brought receipts

for that nerd claim so yeah so the role play is gonna have to do something to do with fantasy right like fantasy like dungeons and dragons or um lord of the rings yeah i i fear that i might end up doing an accent too oh yeah do you have any accents in the chamber that you could, I don't know, that you could shoot a little bullet off so we can get a sense of what we're working with here? If you're a piece of clay, what do we got? Well, I'll give you a little tip, right? Because Lord of the Rings was made in New Zealand

and I don't think there's a sexier accent. If you could get that accent going, that will make him hard as a rock. I'm going to fix your brains here. Watch Rhys Darby perform and try to emulate that. That's the voice you want to get going. I can do

French pretty well. Let's hear a little bit of French. Oh, geez. Oh, maybe this is a little bit of french oh uh yeah oh geez oh maybe this is a little bit harder i think you're doing french canadian by the way it's kind of turning me on oh geez this is getting a little bit harder that's really fancy there i'm excited yeah okay well maybe not all right so i guess yeah i guess it froze up a little bit there so that's not not going to work. You have a bit of practice. It doesn't mean because you can't do it now, you won't be able to do it then.

Yeah, I think... Practice, practice, practice. Yeah, he'll be asking questions maybe when you're around the house going like, oh, Big Potato. He'll be like, what's going on? You know, but then the night of the reveal. Here's the reality of all role play.

It all starts off and it goes about three or four minutes before you start fucking and then it all goes out the window you don't need a big repertoire you just need the you just need the hello i'm a nurse yeah and then well yeah the fantasy for him is a guy who wants to fuck a nurse that's the whole costume is going to come off and then it'll be very similar to what it's always been. Like, fuck you doing something for him. What would turn you on, like, in the role play? What do you want him to do? I want him to be as quickly,

I just want him to be as quickly engaged and ask as few questions as humanly possible. So I want him to just, I want it to essentially be a play and for him to immediately be turned on and just kind of good to go, you know, as quick as possible. I want him to be ready to go. Okay, so Amy, in terms of the dynamic that turned you guys on, is there a power dynamic in it? Does one of you like being dominant?

Does one of you like being submissive? If you guys are doing the fantasy kind of who's who? He is definitely the dominant one, and I'm most certainly being submissive if you guys are doing the fantasy kind of who's who he is definitely the dominant one and i'm most certainly the submissive one and we are very comfortable with that dynamic i mean can we go with like a nerdy magic school yeah can we go with like a little nerd who goes to a harry potter school and he's the king magician nerd with a a wand that doesn't quit because you, you know, Jim's dead right. You just need to set up the premise. And once you touch his dick, the game's over. Yeah, the wand.

Yep. Is there anything in that zone that starts anybody? I'm turned on. Is that what you mean? Yeah, wand would be nice and easy. He might think that that would be a little bit too easy. He'd be like, oh, come on. Okay.

So you want a little more swing for the fences. I could come up with that. I need a challenge. Okay. I've got one for you. You dress as Gandalf. Okay. And then you go to spread your legs, but then you go, none shall pass.

I'm telling you. It's a winner. It's playing hard to get. He's going to love the beard. That's the best one leading up to that moment when he's like I'm not ready to fuck Gandalf and you're like come on babe okay so you want something a little more ambitious you're kind of laying the foundation

for the fact that yeah he has nerdier taste do you have nerdier taste are you kind of inclined in that direction as well not usually but I'm willing to do it for him Yeah, he has nerdier taste. Do you have nerdier taste? Are you kind of inclined in that direction as well? Not usually, but I'm willing to do it for him. Okay. I have a pitch. Just because it feels like you're, yeah, you've given us some good stuff, nerd stuff.

I, okay, but why don't I ask you this question? What is his feeling over extraterrestrials? Is he into that at all? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. So this is... Good question. Good question. So I'm going in this direction.

Jim's doing the E.T. finger. And if he does stick a finger in, you have to ask him to do it like that. And it better light up when he touches it. I'm going to pitch that you are an alien, okay? And I'm going to go big. I want you in a sort of... Have you ever seen the film Earth Girls Are Easy? You're probably a little too young for that.

But I saw that movie at a young age, and there was something about the Martian women that just has always stuck with me as as attractive. I feel like if you were to do some sort of silver costume, some sort of alien costume, kind of perk, perk, perk the girls up a little bit up front. And dare I say, we go with some like orange hair and some kind of green body paint, nothing that's going to like, you know, nothing that you're going to need to get the sheets dry cleaned and explain it. But I think something like that and you could just Martian it up and be green and just, you know, just I guess bang him. I guess that's all I've got. You know, just just bang him i guess that's all i've got you know just just bang him just

i'm gonna i'm gonna jump in on this one garf a little bit because that one inspired something i like what you're going i like that i like that a lot i'm gonna go with a little bit of a i'm gonna go with a little bit of a twist on it now i don't know your setup yet because i don't know the culture i didn't watch lord of the rings and all that but i know magic and i know nerds and i like i know that there's like the professor who puts a spell on everybody. So what if you guys set up a premise that he's some sort of a nerdy magician or some sort of a Lord of the Rings teacher, and he puts a spell on one of the students and creates mind control with you, and you are totally submissive to him, but you have a French accent. But anything he says under this spell, you do without thought.

And so it's as soon as he starts, there's no you guys, there's no embarrassment. Because your brain has turned off because of this magic spell. And all this geek needs to do is go like, and now your eyes daze over. That's pretty good. Oh, I want that. Yeah. He would, I want that. Yeah. He would be all about that. Amy, here's what I would push on that.

You don't just go in the bedroom and do it. You do it all throughout the house. So you're in the kitchen. You're yourself. He goes like, and just like that, you're in the kitchen. Whatever he wants, you guys start to do it. I say even more. You do it in Ralphs early on in the afternoon

yeah yeah like anywhere you are bust off yeah by the way that's not bad that's what it could be you could give him a sexual wand for the day and let him know for that day he has the sexual wand and that's not a euphemism for his cock. He has the sexual wand and he can cast whatever sexual spell or whatever sexual desire he has. And you, you will, uh, you will give in. Yes, he will be all about that. That's, that's perfect. That's right, right up his alley. We might not be done yet. Jim, you got anything jumping out at you? That's right up his alley. We might not be done yet.

Jim, you got anything jumping out at you? What are we going to make her outfit be? Or is it just he's just a magic guy? No. It's almost like the Scott Baio movie, Zat. What a deep cut. I think that's a good call, though. The outfits are pretty, I think, a good addition. I think definitely giving him some sort of, I mean, you could buy some kind of,

some sort of like, you know, just kind of Ren Faire-ish. Or three different looks. And so he can do his wand and then go put on option B, and without thought, the little French mind-controlled, you know, just goes like, okay. Now, here's my question for this character. I think we can do outfits. I think we can do some mind control. I think we can do some magic with the wand.

What's your little character's name? Is she French? Do you know? I think we should have a little, you know, is there a name, Jim or or gareth that comes out that we could start building this essentially a french sex toy do you like that she's french amy we have we means yes in french so you've already answered so we haven't done the role playing thing before but a slight theme when we have done uh things before as we have said you know the french whore type thing so french wouldn't be too far off i got a question for you on this amy because look there's two

there's two people in this dance what would turn you on what kind of character do you want to play is it the french whore is that what you because you got to have to make this really work you got to have a ton of fun yeah that, that would probably be the thing. All right, so quickly, we've got some French names. I'm just going to throw out a couple. See if any of these work for you. We've got like a Chloe. We've got an Emil.

We've got a Juliet. We've got a Genevieve. Amy, did any of these turn you on? I could do a Genevieve. You want Genevieve? Yeah, okay. I could roll with a Genevieve, yeah. So, guys, I think we're in a situation here where we have given some good advice. You can Genevieve? Okay. I could roll with a Genevieve. Yep. So guys, I think we're in

a situation here where we have given some good advice. You can pretend to be an alien. You can pretend to be Genevieve, a French whore. And you guys set up the situation where he is a magician who puts you under a spell starting during the day. You can do it in a fucking Ralph's. You give him a 24 hour pass to get to genevieve gareth was saying maybe get a bunch of different outfits that genevieve would wear and that's part of the reveal that you just go let me show you what genevieve wears and then you start the game and you commit and part of the fun is you literally do it in a ralphs you get started and i think i think that the outfit should have a bit of a rainbow to them, like a bit of a spectrum.

So everything from the classic French maid right up to sort of dirtier bondage type of gear and something in between. Yeah, totally. Yeah, the boudoir outfit. So, Amy, what do you think you're going to do here? I think the second option, not the alien, but the magic wand towards the French whore at the end of the day,

that's going to be the trick. He's going to love that. Will you give us a follow-up after this night and walk us through what happened? Slowly. Absolutely. Very good. Sorry. Sounds like he's a lucky fella.

He's going to have a good night. Yeah, this is great. fella he's gonna have a good night yeah this is great and then what you should do is at the end of the 24 hours post coital when he's just his world has been rocked for his birthday just look to him and say you know a lot of that came from a podcast and also because you're afraid to smoke a carton of cigarettes afterwards just to really it's the subtle touches yeah you want to to smoke a carton of cigarettes afterwards. Just the really, it's the subtle touches. Absolutely. You want to be having a good bang hack.

Amy, thank you for the call. Jim, thank you for joining us. You're the best, man. Thanks for having us. Thank you, guys. Today's episode is brought to you by Babbel. That's right, Jake. Listen, you know what Babbel is, right? Science-backed language learning app that actually works,

which I find to be very important. Science-backed, Jake. Listen, don't bother paying hundreds of dollars for a private tutor. They come over. They're, like, asking for snacks. They're being annoying. Or even waste hours on apps that don't really help. We're here to help, and Babbel is going to help you.

Babbel's tips and tools are approachable, accessible, rooted in real-life situations. So, Jake, for instance, if you want to learn, I started relearning French through Babbel a little bit. Yes, because I used to know French, but then I don't know French, but it's still there. You know what I like about it is that it's got a speech recognition technology. Yep. Because the problem

with learning a new language is if you sound like you're from another country. Yes. If it can actually help with the accent. That's a big ass turn. And applicable to situations you're going to find yourself in. Like when I think back to taking French, it was just so much.

It was like, I'm never going to do that. It's like, how do you order food? How do you get a drink? How do you ask for directions? So Babbel's great. Now listen. Listen, everybody. Should we bring him in?

Wait, one quick pause. Should we bring in the closer? Studies from Yale, this is interesting, Michigan State University and others, prove that Babbel is better. So one study found that using babble for 15 hours is equivalent to a full semester at college so if that's true which yale's no joke it's just putting schooling in a a different light yes if you spend 15 hours let's say you didn't go to college and you always feel like well i don't know i didn't go to college 15 hours you just did a semester yeah that's wild yes yes that's a wild study so speaking of

language should we bring in the closer or should i do it closer all right hold on let's get him kevin doors open all right oh you meant gill yeah i meant kevin what kevin was gonna do it no i thought we were talking about the closer. He parked in front of all our cars, so might as well. Oh, we can't leave? Well, what's the problem? Go ahead. So that old jalopy is Gil's? Yes. And you can turn it off, I guess.

Nah, keep it running. It's bad for some. A lot of smoke. I'm pausing a serious accent. Now listen, here's a special limited time deal for our listeners. Right now, get 55% off your Babbel subscription, but only for our listeners. This isn't for people who don't listen, like Laura from one of the calls earlier. These are standalone. At Babbel.com slash HTH.

Jake, let me finish. Get 55% off Babbel.com slash HTH. Spelled B-A-B-B-E-L dot com slash H-T-H. We're going to want you to Babbel. We want you to babbel.com slash hth. Spelled B-A-B-B-E-L dot com slash hth. We're going to want you to babble. We want you to babble. I'll tell you what. I don't want to babble your ear off. I got to go back to the jalopy.

Rules and restrictions. I have fun. This episode is brought to you by ZocDoc. ZocDoc is a free app and website where you can search and compare highly rated in-network doctors near you and instantly book appointments with them online. Garth, what does that mean to you? Well, it means a lot because, as you know, my mother was in town for a while. She had a hip replacement replacement and it was crazy. It was a crazy situation.

And there were so many times, so many things like complications were popping up. And there were multiple times where we wanted to find a doctor appointment quickly. Somewhere close. You use ZocDoc. Yeah, you would use ZocDoc. Because it's just so much harder if you're just like you know like using search engines to try to find someone and then you call do they take your insurance the problem has it's all there for all the problem with also just searching it is all the ads pop up yes and what i like i actually use

zocdoc we since we started doing it i do like that it keeps it really clean and you could put all your information in yeah did you use z use ZocDoc for your knee? I did use ZocDoc for my knee, which I am going to get an MRI on. Oh, you are? But we don't think it's a tear. That's the good news. But I am going to get an MRI. The doctor report back, it's just an old man's knee.

It's actually pretty much what it sounded like. That's what a doctor said to me about my hips. I'm getting to the point where it's sad when doctors are just like, yeah, you're just the... He goes, I've had a doctor who looked at my body and then went like this. Well, you're mid-40s, yeah? Ugh, what a jerk. Well, that guy's hopefully not on ZocDoc.

But again, it really does. It filters specifically for doctors that take your insurance located near you, treat basically, and again, you can get an appointment quickly. You can also get it same day. That's absolutely right, Jake, if you're lucky. That's right, Gil Buchanan, ones and twos, 68 balmy.

Don't worry about it. That's right. I've been kept in the closet for a while on this show, but I'm back for the ads. Good to see you, brother. You never, literally never left. Wherever the best time in the world, go to ZocDoc.com slash HTH and download the ZocDoc app for free. Did you hear? How much does that cost, Jake?

Free. Free. That's right. And then find and book a top rated doctor today. That's Z-O-C-D-O-C dot com slash H-T-H. ZocDoc.com slash H-T-H. What's up? Hi. What's up?

Hi. Hi. Oh, yeah, it's not him. All right. So, hey, guys, I'm Jake. This is the real Jake. This is Gareth. Could you guys tell us your names, please?

Hi. So I'm Iona. I'm Jamie. And I'm James. So Jamie, James, and Iona. I'm Jamie. And I'm James. So Jamie, James, and Iona. Yes. Okay. So I'm going to start, Gareth, because our friend Gareth knows nothing about this story.

Okay? Yep. So I'm going to start with what happened on Instagram. Okay? And Iona, James, and Jamie, jump in and interrupt whenever you feel like it if something's going sideways. Okay? Don't be polite. Jump in.

Right. Go ahead. So I got a DM from us that said, hi, Jake. It was so nice meeting you guys the other night. Thanks for all the advice. I hope to see you at Rain Dance. So, you know, I've told you, Garf, I'm trying to respond to people. I'm getting the link out.

I'm having a little bit of fun with it. So that one jumped out and I go, well, what's rain dance? I mean, it seems like a solid question. Yeah. She wrote the festival. Jacob sent them my information about working it. Wait, who did? Some guy named Jacob. Jacob, yeah.

We're saying this as if he knows. I know. Thank you. Yeah, you're two friends, right? I speak for you. Yeah, you're two friends. Jake's two friends were Kenny and Jacob. And Jacob is the runner. What is what is he from mango it's a company

called mango and they are a viagra company yeah okay hold on slow down we're going to the top so hold on we're starting over we're starting over okay we have not gotten there yet so then she wrote did we not meet in Edinburgh? And I wrote, no. And then she sent me a photo with some man. And Kevin, could you show Gareth that photo? Oh, my God. So then I wrote. Fake Johnson.

Yes. I go, that's not me. That is so disappointed. I was so excited to meet you. And I wrote, what fucking advice did this guy give? And she wrote just so much about life. Oh my God.

It's crazy that he knew a lot about you and had me convinced the whole night. So now we are back to the group. Yeah. You go ahead. Garth, your back to the group. Go ahead, Garf. Your first thing. It's amazing, obviously. This is great. Jake, you should have other guys out there spreading the word about

the show. I mean, we are taking guerrilla marketing to the next level. We have 10,000 fake... We've got 10,000 fake Jakes. We've got 10,000 fake Jake's. Yeah, we've got 3,000 fake Garfys. We've got a couple Garrets.

Hiring people for the fake Jake is great. This guy, fake Jake 1, pretended... Did he know you thought it was Jake Johnson? And was he... Can you guys start the night for us and walk us through? So start the night before. Yeah, so I'll let James explain it. Because I was at a music festival this past weekend.

And then this is on the Monday. I get a call from James. And he's like, you'll have no idea who I met last night. You're going to go nuts. I love New Girl. And I was so excited. He was like, you have to come out and meet this guy who wants to get drinks. The night before, so this is the Sunday night,

I was out with Jamie and all the other boys and I leave and I go to a pub like down the hill and I see there's a guy at the bar who was,

well not you, Big Jake, we'll call him Big Jake. And I walked up and I started buying drinks and he offered to buy my drinks and I see his face and I'm like,

not Jake, not Jake. That should have been a big red flag right away he buys he buys my drinks and i'm like i'm so thankful that he's bought my drinks that i give him a hug and i'm like thank you so much and he goes oh no worries that's absolutely fine and eventually i go and sit on the table with fake Jake and his two mates. And we just get into like a really, really long conversation for like two hours about like life and what they do for a living and how he's an actor. Wait, hold on. So at this point, you have not done the, do I recognize? Okay.

So fake Jake at this point is just a generous guy an american friendly dude who's like i'm buying drinks i'm hugging strange men two things i gotta let you know anyone listen i would never do we know that if i see a random guy in a bar and i happen to go i got your drink he goes to hug i say pass i just bought you a drink we're not not touching ears, my friend. Okay. It's intimate. It's intimate. Okay. So two hours, you're just talking life. Two hours. Yeah, but you're drinking, you're having fun. We're just sitting there and then they're mentioning what they do for work.

And he says, he says he does acted. And that's when it clicked in my head and I heard his voice as well, because I tell you what, the voice is exact. Even now, I'm thinking, I I tell you what, the voice is exactly the same. Even now. Even right now. I'm thinking you're having us on. I don't know. You guys are going off on the exact same plane.

He's so good as fake Jake that right now you guys are thinking I'm going to go, fuck off. I was with you at the bar. We were on Saturday, like, watch this guy come on. We were going to be like, we got you. Like, it's still a joke. Now, I got one question for you guys. Do you guys have working eyes?

Yeah, that's a good question. No, I swear. Because he does not. No. The lighting is hot. Oh, the light. Okay. The lighting and the alcohol.

The hat is good, too. And champ, but also imagining you in a jaunty hat. Like, this is funnier for me because i know jake but they don't so okay okay so two hours of chatting with the group and then he goes i'm an actor and now the alcohol's hidden a lot's connecting right there's a lot going on yeah hold on hold on man i think i know you just the way you said that. Yeah. I know. It's like he's in the room again. Like he's in the room.

So we're chatting and he's talking about how he's acting. And then he's talking about New Girl and Spider-Man. He's dropping credits. Dropping like things. And I didn't have a clue. I sort of like fast forward towards the end, two hours deep. And these guys are saying to me, he's going to be here for the next like three or four days until they leave.

And they said, well, tomorrow night they'll be out. They took, we exchanged Instagrams. Not with you, obviously, with Jacob. Oh, you have his handle? Yeah. No, we don't have. But you have his. We don't have his.

Big Jake's very insistent he didn't get his number out. Of course, of course he didn't. But this was the link. This was the link we needed, my guy. Will you make sure to send that to Kevin? Yeah. Okay, great. All right, keep going. Ooh, this is good.

We just fucking became Murder, She Wrote on this fucking podcast. We just became a CBS procedural. Here we were thinking we were a movie advice show. It's time for a cork board. It is time. But the next day, this is when I called her. Yeah, so then this is the Monday, and I was just planning on having an early night,

and then I get a phone call, and he's like, you have to come meet this guy. We're going out with them. So we go, and then Jacob is the CEO of Mango. I'm like, I just want to throw this out there especially jacob if you're watching these were such nice guys there's nothing malicious yeah so i i gotta say this because a bunch of people have reached out you made that very clear and that you know there was another person who was there who wrote about one of your friends i wouldn't be blowing

up this guy's spot and trying to get in touch with him if he was like trying to have sex with all the chicks and rob all it was like it just sounds like they're doing a weird night where they created a fake viagra company and they're probably actors themselves and they're not hurting anybody so that's why i was saying garf he's playing the part of j Johnson. Yeah. One of his acting roles is to be me in bars. It's a really weird documentary with no cameras. That must be, and this for your ego must be nice too. You're at that level where the...

Let's see what happens, Garf. Let's see what happens. Ah, gotta get some of that mango too. Okay, so go on, Fiona. I've actually got some. I actually gave you something. Mango is a real company. Did you Google it?

And this is the part that really sold me on the whole story is Mango is a real company. Oh, so that guy Jacob is very real. No, but listen to this. This is crazy. So basically, I have kind of like an interest in event management and PR. And so they were trying to set me up. He was saying, I'll put you in touch with some connections. That's who Jacob was.

Why you said like, I might apply. Yeah. Well, no. So Jacob like put me in touch with the people at Randance and they reached out to me. I sent my CVs. I have an interview. So you could get, so this could turn into a real positive job for you. Yeah.

It's like an intern position. The win for this is if you get a career based off this nonsense. Keep going. This is fun. And even the other guy, Kenny, was so legitimate. He was just so- So everything is so legit. And then, Iona, when you sit down with Jake and you've watched New Girl, do you guys talk the show?

Do you guys talk Schmitty, Jess, Winnie the Fish? Who are you guys at? Security guard? Did you guys talk season seven, the security guard, the guy who played security guard Brian? Well, I was just so nervous. Pushed right past you, Garf. I'm sorry. Keep going.

It's okay. The first thing he said to me was if you meet a celebrity, play it cool. Don't ask for a photo. Don't ask about their... Jake Johnson said this. I was sitting there with my phone like, okay, never mind.

I won't ask for a photo. I was so nervous and I started asking about New Girl. He just explained it that it was like his first big break and that like the cast was like family. I mean, by the way, that's a solid answer because, you know, this is my first big break. The cast, we got so close. We're all like cousins. Yeah. OK, what else did he say? You can tell he'd like he was talking so weirdly like he was you like it was almost like he was reading off like a wikipedia yeah he knew everything it was weird and he and he was really committed it is weird and i own as a woman you did you feel

it was he hitting on you was he being a creep was he was there anything where you're like i don't know this story takes a slight dark turn or was it nothing? He was really nice. He was like, I mean, he would just say, I was like, oh, a beautiful girl, but it wasn't like in a creepy way. It was like lots of advice about like relationships. But he was saying he'd slept with like 500 women. Oh, he's the best. Supermodels all over the world.

He said, he said we got supermodels all over the world. Yeah, I did. I mean, let's Jake, fake Jake, let's keep spreading that, my king. I want everyone to know I've slept with supermodels all over the world. You know what's the beauty of fake Jake? All the credits are correct. There's one humongous lie. So he gives some of his advice to you in terms of life is

is well it was just a lot about take any opportunity you can get he talked a lot about just like like just his experiences with meeting people and like how the importance of connections and all of this a lot of it was about relationships a lot was about he's very invested in all of our love lives he's like wanted to know everything. He just said he was truly interested in you guys. This fake Jake. Yeah, fake Jake. How funny is this, Garrett?

I'm like, seriously, I feel like I'm processing at a dinosaur's level. Like, I'm still two minutes behind going like, what? Same with me. What the fuck? Kevin, can you throw up the picture one more time when you get a second? And I keep going. I'm sorry.

I don't mean to cut you off. No, no, it's okay. I was just going to say, I don't know if you're a poet in real life, Jake. Did you just ask me, I don't know if you're a poet in real life?

Yeah. I know the answer. Yeah, no. None of the Jakes are poets. He wrote some beautiful poems. He wrote some beautiful poems? He wrote some beautiful poems? He had me crying. What? Seriously? Crying.

Crying. Wow. Can you paraphrase what any of Jake Johnson's poems are like? I don't remember exactly what the poem was, but he comes over and he goes, I wrote this poem for my wife. Basically, he wrote a poem for your wife. That's what I mean.

Guess what? She would be flattered. God bless. You should totally ask him to read it if you get him on. I'm trying to get him on bad because I would love to hear all the poems too. So he then starts reading his poems to you guys. You start legit crying in a bar. I'll almost cry.

There was one about his like his grandmother dying and like oh it was very emotional i'll tell you what i'll tell you what both my grandmothers died didn't cry yeah so yeah i'll tell you also i loved them didn't write a poem went like this they went you know your grandma died i went like situation. Anyway, what are we doing for lunch? This other Jake Johnson is sleeping with models and writing poems and getting people in motion. Maybe I'm the fake. Yeah, you might be. I think we found a better Jake.

I mean, look at his style. He's got jewelry, a cool cap. Look at mine. I'm wearing a fucking T-shirt and I'm bald as. Give me fake Jake. His cool cap. A cool cap and a necklace. Buying drinks and hugging dudes. This is the 2023 Jake Johnson.

I'm the 1994 Jake Johnson. I was going to say, about the drinks. It wasn't just buying drinks. It would be like you made the point. It was like, give me the most expensive whiskey. Yeah. Are you so kidding? That is fine.

Not Jake. Oh, he was giving you guys. Because this motherfucker made Spider-Verse money, so he's going top shelf for the group. But that, again, that would not happen. Do you, would you, do you, I cannot picture you ever doing that. Do you ever do that? Do you ever go give me the most expensive one? No.

I can picture you saying, give me a nice one. And then seeing a price of going like, eh, in my head, in my brain, in my heart of hearts, I have like $17 in my bank account at every moment. That's how you operate. Yes. Um,

all right. So then keep going. So he's talking poems. It's a wonderful night. And then, but he's not creeping. He's just almost like a man of peace. He's like a spiritual

guy that is bringing your group of friends closer jake of all trades they're all funny like they're all funny guys they're all funny they're they're group dynamic as well they all like they acted like they've known each other they know was there like a fake gareth or was, do you see like a, was that even? No. No. I can't imagine. No, no. Did you hear their response? No. Hold on. Jake, stop.

Go ahead. You guys are saying no. Jamie's going pure facts. Just pure facts. Oh, there was, I'm going to pretend to be in the group of friends. There was that little orphan boy with the stick whose name was Golfy. The one crutch kid. He was asking for something to eat, please.

May I have some rail whiskey, sir? Okay, so you're hanging with Fake Jake. He's making everybody get emotional about the death of his nana. And then are we at the peak of the night? What's the ending? Where are we at here? Not the night what's the ending where are we at here how does this not not even close this was early it just kept going like i'm trying to figure what and this this is still in the first bar we were in yeah you guys traveled as a group

we all know the whole night now were other people approaching fake jake yes good question that girl remember the girl the american girl yeah yeah because also so my roommates because i'm from america i'm from rhode island and my room my friends at home all love new girl i'll know who you were so this whole time i'd been texting them and none of them believed i sent them the picture they reached out on dm2 and they were like she's crazy this doesn't look like. But my roommates here, they didn't really know. So they were kind of supporting the whole thing. So they just thought it was so cool.

Because these guys, everywhere we went, they were like, let us get the tab. Don't pay for a thing. They paid for everything. Everything. And they didn't. So with every great hustle, there's always the turn. You know how sometimes when there's an inside joke going on between friends, you can almost see like the look of each other.

And they didn't do that. So here's my guess of what's going on here. I think he looks – there's a lot of guys, and we all know it in Hollywood. There's a ton of us in Hollywood where we don't even look similar, but everybody says like you look just like blank. Yeah, you're that type. And in social media forever, people have been like i gotta tell you you and me i get you all the time my guy and he'll take a photo he will literally be 350

pounds with a mustache and i'm like i hear you man but i don't think we're all wonder years exactly so i think they just decided to lean in rather than go the other direction and in one quick google search it's imdb you got the credits and so if the night is really fun and you're going to three bars he's not leading out and attracting more and more people and he's not asking anything of anybody right yeah so then what's the kind of highlight of the night how does it end what's the peak how are you ionona a big new girl fan why how are you saying goodbye to this night I was like well when I was leaving it I've I've it was so weird because I went into it being like so starstruck because I was like

such a and in the end you're like you're now my favorite poet yeah I felt like it's so funny we actually listened to one another one of your podcasts before this just to, like, kind of see what you guys talked about. And you described yourselves as, like, drunk uncles, was it? Yeah. Giving advice. And that was exactly what these guys were like. Like, they just felt like just so...

Friendly uncles. Yeah. Amazing. Even at the end of our big night, like, after the three places we'd gone to, all that, they were like, oh, we should go, like, what? Like, they wanted to go and get food. And I was like, I've got a 9 a.m. class places we'd gone to all that, they were like, oh, we should go. They wanted to go and get food and I was like, I've got a 9am class. I've got to go. You are now going like, look, Jake

Johnson, we can't hang out anymore. The next day, we were out to go out for dinner to some nice place and I was literally like, how do I say no to this guy? You go like this, hey, motherfucker, I didn't even watch the show. I don't know who you are. maybe saw spider verse i don't remember which one you were i'm not hanging out again uh so they were they were really up for it guys i want to say

we appreciate the time will you guys send us his madness hopefully we'll have you up on a follow-up at some point with fake Jake. You guys. We can see him again. We appreciate you guys taking the time. Thank you very much. What a ride. What a ride. Appreciate you guys.

Thank you guys. Bye-bye. Holy shit. We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson. And Gareth Reynolds. The show is produced and edited by Kevin Bartelt. The theme song is made by Oliver Raleigh, and you can check out all of his work at OliverRaleigh.com.

The album artwork is by James Fosdyke. You can find him on Instagram at James underscore Fosdyke. And if you'd like to see me do stand up on the road, go to garethreynolds.com. And if you'd like to be on our show, please email us at helpfulpod at gmail.com. That was a HeadGum podcast.