We're Here to Help - 130: I'm a Dog, You're a Lady. Relax

Episode Date: November 11, 2024

Jake and Gareth talk to a caller about people giving weird compliments to a dog. Later, Jake and We're Here to Help theme song composer Oliver Ralli chat with someone who has a question about the song. Finally, Gareth and special guest Jamie Loftus help a caller with a neighbor playing clarinet outside. Want to call in? Email your question to [e-mail]: heretohelppod.comINSTAGRAM: @HereToHelpPodTIKTOK: @HereToHelpPodIf you’re enjoying the show, make sure to rate We’re Here to Help 5-Stars on Apple Podcasts.Advertise on We’re Here to Help via Gumball.fm See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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to keep from their ever-growing catalog. Explore themes of friendship, loss, and hope with Remarkably Bright Creatures by Shelby Van Pelt. Find what piques your imagination. Sign up for a free 30-day Audible trial and your first audiobook is free. Visit audible.ca to sign up. And we are back! Kevin, who has been a guest on this show that you thought just nailed the premise. We're not talking best, we're not talking funniest,

but just like this very specific show, this specific thing, who just came in and went like, that's right, that's their show. Caller said, my husband wants to befriend a crow, and I don't know what to do about, there's a lot of like weird, and we're just talking about animal stuff, but like, there's a lot of great, just, I think what was so fun about,

what has been so fun about this is in the early days, as we've talked about people going like, I don't, my, help me through this divorce. And we're like, not the right show. And then there was a moment where you saw people go like, oh, I have like a weird pocket. And then we started to hit a really good groove that I think we've just been maintaining the whole time.

Where it's like, here's my weird, I have two hairdressers and I need to break up with one of them. And it's like, let's go, tell us every single detail. The Chicago rat hole problem. People found like our weird groove and the callers for the show have been so fucking good.

Yeah. Like if you really look back at like, you know, the secret sauce, they're so funny. Oh, yeah. The problems are so good, Kevin. You've done a heck of a job curating, but they're really funny. Like, look and think about like when we'll text each other, Gareth, every once in a while about something, it'll always go back to one of the callers, something in there that you'll go like, that was a blast, man.

Yeah, like helpful and legit. And we will like, you will be like, yeah, you just be like, oh man, they just fit in I think yes, I don't know. I don't I it is very it's a very strange thing with podcasts because it is like There is like that parasocial relationship, but I think on a show like this. It's so helpful because they get the vibe Yeah, because they like the show, you know So with that in mind get ready for two new Hilarious two of our favorite calls this first one. Well, you're gonna need to hear it to blow it out further Hello, this is the shark

Hey Hi there. You're excited to talk to the shark? What happened? I was expecting like a shark and it was like, hey. Well, let's do another take. Yeah, can we do take two for the shark? All right, take two, caller. Hello.

Yeah, I'm ready. Okay. Hey, how's it going? Oh, okay. Take three. Whenever you're ready, shark. Hello, this is the shark. Hey, how's it going? Okay, let's move it on.

Can we get your name, where you're calling from and why you don't care about the shark? Yeah, what did the shark do to you? Are you a dolphin? I'm sorry. I'm going to go with Marie. I am 29 and based in Brooklyn. Great. I will part of Brooklyn. I was just there. I was in Dumbo. You were in New York State. Go ahead.

We're right near Albany. You can't call that Brooklyn, right? Near Brooklyn. What part of Brooklyn? Albany? Yeah. You're dancing around Troy, New York calling it a burl. I was in Dumbo. Yes. Yeah. Albany. Where in Brooklyn are you? Bedstuy. I used to live in bedstuy a long time ago.

Bedstuy do or die. Yeah. One time I slept in a hotel. My eye wouldn't open. I got bedstuy. All right. Maria, it is I.E. M-A-R-I-E. Whoa I'm back I died I died. Yes M-A-R-I-E. Okay so what can we do for you? This is the end of our day so we're getting a little sloppy but

we're going to tighten up we're going to lean and mean it just like the shark's body and we're going to see what happens. So what can we do for you today? and we're gonna see what happens. So what can we do for you today? So I have a dog and he's a really cute dog, but I've noticed this very weird pattern of women like being attracted to him. Like I feel like normally people come up to you and they're like, oh, cute dog.

And you just say, yeah, thanks. And like keep moving. But people have been coming at my dog with this like lusty type of energy that I really just don't know how to respond to. Can we borrow your dog? Wait, is this real life? You feel like women are sexually attracted to your dog?

Yeah, I have examples. Okay. So there was this woman at the dog park. She used to trap me in conversation to go on and on about how my dog was a sexy sports car, and I would have to actively avoid her. And then I was at the vet last week. Hold on, we just saw the dog. Yeah.

Wow, that's a sexy dog. That's a hot dog. OK, so now we see that animal. So one woman, now what's your next example? So I was at the vet with him, and this was like the ER vet. So it's like kind of scary. I'm a little stressed. But she kept examining him, and then she would take a step. I'm a little stressed, but she kept like examining him.

And then she would take a step back and pause and go like, God, he's good looking. And then she went on and on about his muscle definition. And I just like, didn't know, like, what do I say? These weird moments, you know? This is weird stuff. This might be our weirdest setup. It's very strange.

I feel crazy. Let me just, we're looking at the dog. It's a cute dog. I'm with you, Gary. But it's not turning my crank. I'm not all of a sudden like, whoa, I bang dogs? Like, it's a good looking, it's an attractive dog, but they're going on about

the musculature. I agree. It's a good looking, it's a good, You said she? He. Now can I ask a question I'm not proud to ask? This is one I was hoping you wouldn't, but go ahead. You know, we have to know. How big? Got big balls, big dick. What's his deal down there? I mean, because there's certain- He's like 60 pounds. No, I'm not talking about his weight. There are certain times you see a dog and it walks in front of you and you go, that's a big set of balls on that dog.

Yeah. Right? Your dog neutered? He's neutered. How's the penis? I don't know. I feel like he's like average size. He's got an average dog dick?

Okay, great. No, but this is a serious question because we're trying to figure out why people are sexualizing your dog. So you're telling me it doesn't have big old droopy nuts and a big old red dick? No. Title. Okay.

Of my memoir? Okay. Because the dog looks to me like a mixed, I mean, what kind of dog is it? I see Rottweiler in there mixed with some maybe Pitt mix. Brad Pitt? Yeah, we're not really sure. I'm assuming like Pritz, not Brad Pitt. Yeah, but it's a real mix. Yeah,? Yeah, we're not really sure. Okay. I'm assuming like Pritz, it's not Brad Pitt.

Yeah, but it's a real mix. Yeah, he's okay. So, all right, got the setup. Do you feel, and this, you feel like this has happened more than those two occasions, I'm guessing? Yeah, off and on. I feel like those are the most like egregious, but no one ever says he's just cute. It's a wild setup. So just so we know, why don't you finish with the question, just so we know exactly what we're trying to do here. My question is, like, how do I respond to people when they say things like this? I feel like I just nervously laugh.

Actually, I do have a pitch. He's taken. OK. I would make them feel uncomfortable with their question Let's walk through it. Okay, like let's do that. Okay, you're the vet. What's the name of the dog again? I Will call him Max. Okay, so I'm bringing Max in Max ate something weird like that. We're doing a fake dog name I just got to say that Totally. I don't want to embarrass that. Okay. Oh interesting. That's smart. Sure

Okay, so so I don't know. I feel like Max. Oh interesting, that's smart. Sure. Okay, so I don't know, I feel like Max might have eaten something, his stomach's been a little... I'll tell you what, I mean he just, he doesn't, he looks like he's in fine shape. I mean honestly, he's just, he's such a well put together dog. Yeah he's a great looking animal. He's got great muscles. I agree.

I mean just look at him. He just has great... Well he gets a lot of good walks. Yeah, you can tell, but I mean, some of this is just genetic. I mean, he just has a very good body. Yeah. I think he's very healthy. The dog is a very, he's a very good spot.

Yeah, he's a healthy dog. Such a good boy. He's such a good boy. Yeah, he's a nice dog. God, I love this dog. You love my dog? What do you mean? Well, I mean, I love all dogs, but when I know you're coming in, I'm extra excited. Why? Because I love Max. But what do you mean? Well? I mean, I love all dogs, but you're when you when I know you're coming in I'm extra excited. Why?

Because I love I love Max. But what do you love about Max that he's just such a good boy is a good dog He's a he's a my days are brighter when I see your dog Why he's just well put together and I just what does that mean? You keep telling I like put the affectionate with him I don't fuck my dog. What? You trying to you fucking my dog. What? You're trying to you fucking my dog. Wait, what is the best she thing? You fucking my wife? So here's where I would go with it.

Their behavior is weird. So if somebody said, if I was with a kid and somebody said, that's a beautiful girl, you go like, thanks. And they go, no, I mean, really beautiful. My tone's changing right away. Yeah. I think you made it very clear what you said, where are you going with this you fucking banana head? You're talking about my dog max. Yeah We've done. Yeah, but if they're backing off and saying it's a good dog fine now. Let's switch roles, okay?

Yeah, so I don't know. He's just not sleeping through the night. He seems to be beautiful dog like that I could maybe help him sleep. What do you mean? Well you do a little uh? cuddle and dump Did you say cuddling dumb a cuddle and dump you do the you know you did cuddle you spray some beta and you What do you mean? I'm saying if sometimes it's good for an animal to unload their nutsack and then they pass right now. Are you really a vet? Me? No, I'm just hanging out in the subway.

Get out of here! A vet? What are you talking about? I fucked dogs. I mean, I served. Yeah, yeah. Um, I don't know. This is hard. All right, here's the pitch.

Here's the pitch. OK. You know, people have the service animal signs they put on their dog. This is interesting. There's also, my girlfriend always talks about this. How she'll like, she got me to do it. She's like, before she pet the dog. By the way, a huge moment, Gareth admitted on the radio, he has a girlfriend.

By the way, we're not on the radio, grandpa. You don't want to fuck your dog? Jesus Christ. But she's always like, ask to pet the dog. Because you don't know what the dog might be fucking crazy. You're totally right. So put a sign on the dog that suggests that this dog is not for public petting, so that it kind of gives you

the ability to avoid. This dog bites? Not this dog bites, but whatever. Hi, I'm Max. I'm sensitive. What about putting an ugly wig on it? OK, sure. Why would I finish my. I'm sensitive. What about putting an ugly wig on it? OK, sure. Why would I finish my pitch?

I'm sorry. No, but I hear what you're saying. The problem is, is it's their comments? Because I get the grid in space. That's totally right. But you're entering a zone. If you go to like a dog park or a walk, you're also saying like you just random women might walk by

and are lusting after your dog. Like, how do we get people to not look at this woman's dog in a sexual way? I'm gonna do fucking scar it. I mean, there's not much we can really do the dog is what the dog is fake mustache Why what's going on with you? You just get a pay? Thanks kill a lot of dogs like that. Well, you know, we don't want to make the dog ugly for you. Oh, how about this? How about a shirt that you wear that says stop staring at my dog? You're weird. I like that. Right.

Great. I would wear that. Right. Especially if you're going to like a dog park or you're doing something. It's for its targeted hits. It's the vet. Yes. My dog is not attracted to you. How good is your vet real good? I

Mean, this is like a one-time back. It was the ER. I gotcha. Okay, but when you're saying this happens Do you go to a dog park? Yeah, and at that dog park you've got a question for you said it was a very specific type of woman Can you describe her? She's a dog and I'm crazy. She's a dog. And I'm not allowed to go to the park anymore. I can understand dog's thoughts. Understood. We're going to hang up the phone because she wanted to have sex. She was a chihuahua.

This dog park is on the fourth floor of a building that I broke into. And Max has been dead for two years. Max isn't real. He's just a dog at Google. And I'm at the shark tank too. So can you describe, because you said it's a certain type of lady who's sexually attracted to this dog, and just so Gareth can spray beta later, can you describe what her vibe is?

I feel like just like a classic Brooklyn Wake girl, you know, like millennial. Kind of hipstery, tats, cool. Yeah. And do you think she's actually attracted or it's cool to talk about this dog in a certain way? I got it. Let's get the dog a shirt that says, I bite millennials.

And you put it on the dog when you're going to go to these big zones. Or lean in and have a little crop top shirt and goes, I know I'm hot, ladies, stop staring. Or a little- My eyes are up here. Yeah, a shorts right near the nuts and says, my eyes are up here, hipster. And pointing to the eyes so that if a lady looks, you can go like, I got to say, it's a funny shirt. I think your dog's hot. You go, I know it's weird. Everybody does.

I don't hate it. I mean, look, we're going aggressive, but you could send the message out. A shirt on the dog that says you're it. Uh, your thoughts about me are weird. Yeah. And somebody goes like that dog. Oh, I'm a dog. You're a lady. Slow down. Yeah. Relax. And somebody goes like that dog. I'm a dog. You're a lady.

Slow down. Yeah. Relax. Relax. I like them. What do you think about this? I'm a dog. You're a lady. Relax. That by the way, that's title. That's the title. But what do you think about a dog shirt that you have that and it's on the dog's back. So when people look, they see it, it goes, I'm a dog. You're a lady, relax. That's making it very clear. Yes, we're being aggressive. You're getting turned down by me and I'm just a dog and you're a lady and you need to relax.

What is your gut feeling? Are you actually gonna do this? I would actually do that. Okay. I need to find a place to make it, but I'm like excited about this idea. Can we make it? Yeah.

We're 30 feet away from an embroidery studio. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. We got your back. We can make, literally. And the dog. We will make this to you and send it to you. But then what you have to do for us, though, is put it on the dog and take photos at a dog park.

Film at the dog park. Film at the dog park. Run it around and see if you can get any reaction. Will you send us a video at the dog park with the shirt? Yeah, and let us know if we've curbed this. Yes, absolutely. Great. Feel good?

Yeah, I feel great. I feel like it's a win. Thank you so much. I think it's a win. I think we're going to be ringing the bell at the end of this. All right, well, we appreciate the call. We're going to send you the shirt. Thanks, Marie.

This is going to be a win. It's going to be great. Cool. Thanks so much, you guys. OK. Thanks. And we are brought to you by ZocDoc. ZocDoc makes it very easy to compare highly rated in-network doctors near you and instantly book appointments with them online.

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Then find and book a top rated doctor today. That's ZocDoc, Z-O-C-D-O-C dot com slash H-T-H, ZocDoc dot com slash H-T-H. This episode is brought to you by Greenlight. Greenlight is a debit card and money app for families. Parents can send money to their kids and keep an eye on kids' spending and savings while kids and teens build money, confidence, and lifelong financial literacy skills. This is something that I use with my kids. I like being able to put their chores on it. I like being able to have them monitor how much money they have as opposed to always

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This episode is brought to you by quince. I wore quince at a live show last week. Uh, they have a really nice, uh, brown jacket and it was a live stream show. So I was checking out the comments the next day. Right when I walked on stage, everyone going, check out Kev's outfit, looking good. Immediately got compliments on it. Honestly, I should screenshot it and send it to Quince. I think they'd enjoy it.

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Hello. Hi, can we get your name please? My name is Valerie. Valerie. Uh, where are you calling from Valerie? I'm calling from central, Wisconsin central where about About what I saw area

All right, you know that Kevin you seem to lose confidence You lost I only know Madison in Milwaukee So if you said anything else I clamped up which I did you did the best clam up though you go Oh, yeah, which part and then you So Valerie we are we are without Gareth he's performing stand-up in Alaska right now, but we've got an old buddy of mine who is an absolute killer who I love mr. Oliver Raleigh. Hey, Valerie, how you doing? What's up?

Oh, hi. How are you? I'm good. I'm great. I'm great. So you got Oliver, you got the shark, you got myself, you are from central Wisconsin, and the shark doesn't know which part that is. What can we do for you today? All right. So this actually started when your podcast came out. And my husband and I have a disagreement about your theme song. So when your song, when your podcast first came out, okay, I was obsessed with your song

and I would sing it. We're here to help. And my husband said that, no, there's no words. There's no words in that song. And I'm like, what? Yeah, there are. And he goes, no, your brain is inserting the words. Like, we're here to help because it's so catchy.

And I'm like, no, there's words. So we have been going on and off about this for over a year now. So can you please help settle our disagreement? Well, you Kevin has done some good producing on this one because my dear friend Oliver Raleigh is the man who wrote and made our theme song. That's right. Oh, really? Yes.

Oh, that is amazing. Okay. So Oliver. Thank you. So Oliver, take it away. I don't, so this is now, this is something that I've been thinking about a lot. Like I almost don't want to answer, to be honest.

Boo! Oh, yes, really? But this, look, this is the thing. It's been like, it seems like it's been a hot debate amongst several couples. Look, this is the thing. It's been like, it seems like it's been a hot debate amongst several couples. We get this question a lot. But you could say, yes, we get a lot of emails about this. But Oliver, you could say what your intention was and what you did and people could still

have their kind of POV on it. I mean, I don't know. I just, I love that people are debating it. I feel almost sad to put it to bed, to be honest. Well, I'm gonna if you don't. Oh! No, no, no, you know what? I don't wanna ruin the magic for anyone.

This is not like a marriage ending argument. So if we want to keep the mystery out there, like feel free. Well, I've got a question. It's just a pleasure calling in. Yeah, what's up? Well, hold on, because you're a very sweet person, but you called in with a problem and the premise of this show is that we try to help the callers, not we decide if we want to help the callers. But here's the thing, Valerie's talking about magic, right? Isn't that almost helping to like,

let the magic continue to go? Like, come on, like every relationship, long-term marriages, relationships, they need that spark. What happens if this song is that spark, if it's never settled? Does this- Val- Go ahead Val or-

Well, here's the thing. So I'm hardly ever right. I'm hardly ever right and I'm a bad listener. So I emailed the like, over a year ago I emailed and I'm like, maybe I am right. Wouldn't that be so cool that I would be right for a long time? And so what we are. But hold on, Valie. What and what do you think? Do you think there's lyrics or no lyrics? I forgot the beginning. I really think there's lyrics. And what lyrics do you, yeah, and what lyrics do you think you're hearing with that theme song? Oh

We're here to help but I hear it. We're here to help We're here to help I don't know why this just tugs on my heartstrings, you know, like you you saying that you're never right I just I think I know my heart a little bit. It just shattered So I I feel like she always had something funny bit. It just shattered. So I feel like- She also said something funny though, Oliver. She said, I'm never right and I'm a bad listener. So maybe you'll forget this. That's an amazing trait to lead out with of like,

just so you guys know things about me, I'm five, 10. I'm never right and I'm a very bad listener. I've never related to a caller harder By the way same I'm never right and I bet basically saying I'm never right and I'm bad at learning I'm never right. I'm a bad listener is how I felt through school My god the wrong Yeah, me too. Oh, thank you. It's a funny thing. I'm a teacher. Oh my God. Oh my God. The wrong teacher. Amazing.

And as the funniest part, do you want to hear the kicker? So my husband is, so I teach special ed and my husband is actually my special ed assistant. So I'm his boss at school. Yes. That rules. That rules. And are you a nice boss? Uh, oh, yeah. He's like, whoa.

Yeah. I'm a little snappy and like he's my safe place. So I have to, you know, reign it in at work. But, you know, and it's hard because at work too, you know, he's mostly right at work, too So maybe I do hear something. Yeah, what's up? So you hear this is interesting So now we're gonna actually go to Oliver on this one because he is the guy who wrote the song He performed it. We didn't really have any notes. I just I asked asked him, he's a, he's a great musician and where we were putting this show together, we needed a theme.

So I asked him and he sent us this. And we put it on and people have really liked it. It has, we've gotten a ton of emails about this. There's also people who hear with Gareth and Jake, right? Like somebody had broke down the whole thing. Oliver, you don't have the ability to play the song, do you? I don't. I look because you don't have the thing, right?

No, I don't. I couldn't. I couldn't play it back. I recorded it, but I have this. All right. So this is I'm settling it now. Yes. Valerie, right?

This. Yeah. This. OK, so you're you are correct. You, right? This. Yeah. This, okay, so you are correct. You are right. Your husband is wrong, wrong, wrong. Your husband is so wrong. All right, you are so right.

And I hope you hear this and I hope you listen. I recorded this song on something called a Casio SK-1. It's this old toy keyboard from the 80s and it's a sampler keyboard. So I recorded my voice saying, like, we're, and then I recorded here to help, and then with, with, Gareth and Jake, I recorded all that, and then I basically

played it on the keyboard. And that's it. So you are correct. I fully, I said every single word, and then made chords out of it, and then that's what you're hearing. Just everything was recorded exclusively on this little toy keyboard. Amazing.

Wow, you are amazing. Oh my gosh, you're so talented, Oliver. Thanks, that was like an hour of me goofing off, but I appreciate it. Oh my God, it's amazing. And I just, thank you very much for settling this. And I feel bad that you had to, you know, tell us your musician secrets. But thank you.

No, I think it's, but- I appreciate it. But Valerie- It was, yeah, it was worth it. It was fully, fully worth it. You are right. And I want you to sit in that knowledge tonight and look at your husband knowing that you are right.

You were correct. Now here's the question. Do you tell him or do you just know that you're right and he's wrong? Where is the power here, Valerie? Or do you wait and listen to this episode together with him? And then you go like, And he's wrong. Where is the power here, Valerie? Or do you wait and listen to this episode together with him and then you go like, oh, Valerie, what if we do this?

Do not tell him. We'll email you before we do it. And then just listen together. Yes, because I play the podcast on our way to work because we have a half an hour commute. So we listen to you like twice a day. Yes. Oh yeah. Yeah. Oh my gosh.

That will be crazy. I'll email you the night before when the episode drops. So, you know, when it's coming out. Thank you, Kevin. You're amazing. No, you're amazing. You're wonderful. We appreciate you and thank you, Kevin. You're amazing. Valerie, you're amazing. We appreciate you and thank you for what you do. Oh my gosh. Thank you so much.

All three of you and Gareth, come on, you dropped the ball. Good buddy. Not his fault. Not his fault. He would love to be here. Oh my gosh. Thank you so much, guys. You made my whole entire week Thank you for calling Valerie. All right. Thanks This episode is brought to you by one of our favorites companies and that's Dewar we all wear the shirts

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Take it away, Gareth. Hi. All right. Well, we know there's two calls. I'll just get into it. Welcome to We're Here to, well, we know there's two calls. I'll just get into it. Welcome to We're Here to Help. It's America's number one podcast.

Listen, you're on with Shark, with Gareth. There's no Jake, but in his stead, we have the great Jamie Loftus, who has her own podcast, 16 Minutes of Fame. But- 16th minute of fame. 16th minute of fame, I'm a father. So, who are you, where are you calling from, and at some point who the hell is the second person? We'll get to

that later don't worry about that Gary. Alright okay tell us what's going on then just one caller even though I see the second call and I'm like what the hell is going on? Yeah it's just crazy, it's taunting all right who are you where you're going from i'm pinning i know who it is so that's fun but stop rubbing our goddamn fate go ahead oh no um so my name is hayley hi um i am 27 and i am from grand rapid michigan great spot okay Michigan. Great spot. Okay. And what can we help you with, Haley? Yeah. Yes. So my problem, I have these neighbors. They have three daughters that live there. They're a rental. And I like, me and my husband like own our house. So there's that context. Sorry, you mean the person? Own a house at 27. Congratulations. Oh, thank you.

You do? You own a house at 27? Oh no. What was that? This is not what I was calling about, but yes. I do own a house at 27. He's calling a brag. All right.

Okay. So keep going. Yeah. So there's, that's maybe the fun fact that Jake would have asked. Um, okay. Uh, okay. So I did neighbors and they have three daughters. I've met them slightly not much and the oldest daughter is I think in fifth grade and a few weeks ago she came home with a clarinet and I saw her in her backyard and she was just blowing air in the yard. In the yard.

They sent her outside like a Cocker Spaniel to play the clarinet. Oh, for them, it's a great move. But for you, it's awful. Yeah. We're getting there, right? Yep. So I see her the first day just blowing air into it and there's nothing coming out of it. And I'm like, okay. And then it took a day to process like, oh no, like she has a clarinet.

So now, now it's been a couple weeks and I kid you not every single day at around like 330 when she gets home from school, I'm pretty sure her parents sent her outside to like play, to practice. This is very dog coded for your daughter. But okay. That's weird. I don't have kids, so I don't know. We own a house, you may as well. Yeah. You keep bragging about,

oh good things are Okay, well since she's just beginning she's just you know, really out of tune can't play proper notes she's outside for like maybe an hour took an hour and a half and you know, she's kind of fighting for Amelia that just isn't happening and Bad. Here's the thing. I'm pretty sure her parents make her play outside because they don't want to hear it right now. But then I live in the city. So like none of us want to hear either. And we have very close proximity neighbors. My one thing too is that we had an issue with the dad a

few months ago. And so I am not, oh no. So we have two dogs, or like we had two dogs and one of them we were working with from like a adoptive foster. Anyway, he had some temper issues and like barked at the dog. That's not a great wrinkle for this solution. Well, okay, so the father's angry

and sending his daughter outside. I think you should teach your dog how to play the clarinet for revenge. Sell the house, Haley. I have to play the video you sent Haley just to set the scene a little for the crew. It's so good, so good. Here we go.

This is like someone snake charming. There is a girl in the backyard by herself. Oh. This kid does not want to be playing the clarinet. I was like, I don't think she's taking it very seriously. I don't know why seeing that, it made me sad. That is just like, it is a bummer. And I feel bad for the kid.

I don't know. I do too. That's what I feel. I feel bad for the daughter. I mean, cause she's horrible at it. Let's be honest. But it doesn't seem like she really cares. I mean, did anyone play an instrument?

Because I was made to play the oboe for nine years. Oboe? Oboe, which I think is the only instrument that's harder to listen to when you're really bad at it than the clarinet. And where did your parents banish you to? Well, they made me stay in the house. They did not send me out to the yard to play the oboe.

They at least committed to suffering through it if they were gonna make me do it, which I feel like is sort of the unspoken contract. My immediate suggestion is to somehow let the parents know that this is not gonna get their kid a scholarship to college like they think. It's not, there's sub-zero chance. The dad with the temper issues really made,

it puts you in a tougher spot. Yeah. Okay, I have to jump in as producer. Haley did a great job setting the scene. We have a little bit of a ringer who will be interesting for Jamie who is not familiar with this person, but often when we have calls about

neighborly or roommate disputes, we have a young man who has been extremely helpful. Second caller, would you like to introduce yourself to Jamie and say hi to everybody? Oh no. Hi, my name's Connor. Connor. I'm a

Connor. Hi Gary. Hi guy. Hi buddy. Hi, my name is Connor. Connor! I'm a... Connor! Hi Gary. Hi guys. Hi buddy. Hi, Connor. Holy shit. Okay, alright.

Jamie... Hold on, Connor. Let... Easy, Connor. Yeah, it feels like a party where like, yeah, a lot of people are walking... Alright, so Jamie, so Connor is a guy who moved to Florida. I don't remember why. It doesn't matter.

He's pursuing his dreams. He's a young buck. He ended up booking Airbnbs with really old people over and over again. And he kept getting himself in the weirdest situations, weirdest predicaments with these old people where they would have to like, one of them would take over the common area. People I think were eating your food. There were bathroom issues, right, Connor? Yeah, you're hitting all the big ones. Yeah, there was always like, it was really just

like what was going to happen each day, walking into the place you never know. Thrilling. Yeah, it was, it was, and now Connor, you, am I wrong? You don't live with anyone who's crazy and old right now? Not old, but crazy. Okay, good for you. All right, well Connor, you didn't call for us to solve your problem living with a crazy person.

You're here to help Haley. You heard all of her issue? Yeah. Go ahead, Haley. Oh, I have one more thing to add. So yes, you have like a little small tiff with the dad a few months ago. I, for my job, I work from home. So it's like almost on the time,

like I'm sitting at home and I'm working and I hear the neighbor, I hear the young child, the young girl outside and she is off and away. And at that point it's hard to focus, right, from work to keep going. You're working when she comes home. What do you do for work? I work in marketing.

Clearing out lessons, marketing. Yeah, I work in, yeah, market. I think I have to, I'll keep it there. I work in marketing, so I can do my work online, but. Making good money. Connor, I don't know if you heard she owns a house she wants it up talking about no she keeps bringing it up only 27 Connor 27 Connor Connor how old are you uh 24 24 so in three years yeah you got a couple years but judging from your recent living

situations I don't think you're close I think you can turn it around. Haley, could Connor live with you? Okay. All right. So we've got the lay of the land. You've got this issue. You've got this child who seems sweet, who doesn't seem that into the clarinet being banished to the yard where she has to play the clarinet. Father probable temper issues.

It's still not your problem. And we have to figure out a way to make this better. Jamie, tell me if you have anything. Connor, say if you have anything. If not, I'll go with my first pitch. Yeah, I mean, I really, there's like pragmatic solutions and then there's ones that kind of require you going a little rogue.

I agree the dad is the X factor here. Dad's a problem. We don't wanna aggravate the dad. I do feel like, you know, drop in a little like, oh yeah, I played whatever when I was a kid and I thought I would get me, you know, a scholarship and it didn't, I just wasted my life and annoyed my family for years,

and our relationship suffered as a result. Or if you wanted to go rogue, you could just tell the kid that the clarinet is really uncool, and they look uncool playing it. And then they would almost certainly stop practicing practicing because that was my experience too. Someone was like, oboe players suck. You look bad. And so I just stopped practicing and never got good. First of all, and now you know that person was just lying to you because we all know how cool an oboe player looks. Everyone loves the little face you make. Double reed embouchure really.

Oh, a double reed embouchure is key. It's cute. It's so important. It's cute. Connor, jump in if you have anything. I'm going to hit you with a few options right off the bat, okay? I'm ready. Well, let me ask you this first.

How many neighbors are there around you who probably are also suffering through this? So our backyard, back up to like an alley, then, you know, that's a shared alley with like the people, other people's backyard across from us. So like when I say live in the city, I mean like I live in the city. So like there's just a lot of neighbors, there's people walking their dogs nearby, there's people out, there's other kids playing outside. Okay. All right. This changes my pitch. I'm going now with a new pitch

and I'm calling this pitch, this pitch, pitch, fake petition. We're calling it fake petition. What you're gonna do is you're gonna make a sheet with one through 20, you're gonna put names, dates, and signatures, and you're just gonna invent a bunch of fake names and signatures, and the front page of the petition is going to say, petition to stop your daughter playing clarinet in the yard where it's bothering all of us.

And you're just gonna leave that on the porch. Which is a turbo version of telling the daughter that clarinet is uncool. It's so uncool that everyone's organized against it. But this is a parenting issue. Like this daughter is not like, let me go to the yard and play my clarinet. Like there's a lot of parental influence on this. But honestly, even if it is the kid's choice, it is like there, you know, there is like

noise crosses fences. So she's it's, you know, it's bothersome. Again, even like if she was good, it still would suck, but she's horrible. And by the way, she's taking a lot of breaks from what I saw, a lot of clarinet breaks. So I think leave a fake petition on the porch and make up all the names of the people signing them.

Doesn't matter. Oh. And this is the way you're not implicating any neighbors, but just sneakily do that at night or whatever you can. Yeah. In the dark of night, like thieves in the night. And just- What if they have a ring?

What if they have a ring? Rip it off the wall. How bad do we want? I'm sorry. I don't mean to undercut your advice. We're going to stab the dad. Oh, gosh. I kid we want? I'm sorry, I don't mean to undercut your advice. We're gonna stab the dad. Oh gosh, I kid you not, I'm not making this up. This neighbor, yeah, the dad, I don't know what's up,

but they have like four ring cameras that point to like every corner of their house. It's always the people that are menacing themselves with the multiple ring. You're just like, what is this? That's tough. Haley, did you say you live in Michigan? Yes, Grand Rapids.

I do, yes. Some of the names you could say on that petition are Ralph Schiano, Jocelyn Langworthy, Jack Walters, Sharon Orm, and those are a few of the members of the Detroit Symphony Orchestra's clarinet players specifically. Whoa. So you could do a list of- A personal vendetta. Yeah. of the Detroit Symphony Orchestra's clarinet player specifically. Whoa! You could do a list of...

A personal vendetta. Yeah. Well, if the dad's looking up the names, I mean, a guy with four ring cameras who then is going to be like, the symphony signed a petition at my... Like, he's going to be corkboarding with yarn so hard. Right. Connor, what would you go with? I don't know.

I feel like he sees a petition. He's just going to have the kids start playing more instruments out in the yard. Like you don't like this? Well, here I got this for you. Well, it can get much worse from what I heard. I would assume the dropping off the petition is difficult. There's no doubt. You might, I don't have a pitch on that just yet and

Except just wear a disguise and drive up wear a disguise put it there you know wear a Richard Nixon mask and then just get back in the car and Take it off as soon as you're out of shot. My other option for a pitch would be this And but the problem with this one is this does this is more direct This is more you, it's shot across the bow. Every time the daughter goes in the yard to play the clarinet, you get a Bluetooth speaker out there and you play everybody's working for the weekend on repeat. That's good.

That yeah, fighting fire with fire could work. You know what you could also do if you wanted to drop the petition off, have a friend of yours do it. Just be like, do me a favor, I'm gonna give you this envelope, drive up there, I just drop it off whenever you can and take off. And then leave a boom box that is blaring,

working for the weekend instead of ringing the doorbell. Working for the weekend is a must without question. Yeah, you've got to, you've really got to choose something that's going to pierce through the clarinet sound. Would you drop it off while she's playing or it really would have to be at night? I would do it when there's... I would not do it daytime. I would not do it daytime.

I would get a friend of yours, I'm genuine, I'm serious, I would get a friend of yours to do it. Another thing you could do is you could, you know how everyone's got those political yard signs now that are definitely changing people's minds? You could have one of those made that just says stop playing the yard, stop playing the clarinet in the yard. 2024. 2024, and just pop a few of those in a few yards around that area so that it's a little subtle. I'm clear who did it. Yeah, so that way it's not clear it's you,

but it's like a campaign surrounding their house. They'll be like, Oh, Harris walls. What the what? Wait, what? Stop the clarinet 2024, not for the yard. Something like that. Those, I don't know if Connor, you got anything to add to this? Is there a chance if we're going in a direct approach, is there a chance you'd

pick the oboe back up again? And every time she goes out with a clarinet, you fight the oboe. Jamie played the oboe. Yeah. I mean, I guess I could fly in. I'm not necessarily welcome in Michigan. Would you like to go to Michigan? The opposite of an American Idol statement.

Jamie, would you like to go to Michigan? Would you like to go from Los Angeles to Michigan? No. Yes. Well, Haley, what do you think so far? I'd like to go from Los Angeles to Michigan. No. Yes. Well, Haley, what do you think so far? I mean, how are you feeling? This is really hard. It's hard. Yes, a petition does sound scary.

It is more likely that I would have a friend drop it off than me. I do not want to be on that man-dragging camera. Completely. It's got four. A friend who lives nowhere nearby for their own safety. So the sign, the yard sign is a wild idea. So and that's funny. I don't know if I have like the money to like get 50 of them and do that or where I would

do that. You had money. Haley, let's just Haley, Haley, you're a homeowner at 27. I'll just sell my house and buy these signs. Haley, you're a homeowner at 27. I'll just sell my house and buy these signs. Haley, you've got this. No, but I also I don't know. I also don't mind the past big rest. I'll just play louder music.

Yeah. Uh, great. I like I like the thought of putting something in your yard to distract the kid. Jamie, a pitch that we often suggest is called parmesaning the ground, or the floor rather. Putting some sort of odorous thing, distracting thing on the floor. Okay.

On the clarinet. A stinky distraction. A stinky distraction, probably not on her clarinet, but something nearby. No, you do it on the lawn. She's sitting on the yard. You we you Parmesan the lawn. Yeah, Parmesan the lawn or put Parmesan on a tarp on your lawn

that conveniently comes out around water. Just spray a bunch of water in the yard before she comes home. Flood the lawn. Yeah. Flood the lawn. But I also think if you're down to play the music, it kind of will do two things. One, if you put on music you like, it's not going to bother you, you're not going to hear it. It also sends a message out there that, look, if you want to fight a war, if you want to fight a sound battle, let's go.

But again, you are now, you're putting the black flag in their sands. So you are definitely saying, I'm behind this. I, did SpongeBob ever do anything about Squidward's clarinet playing? Is there something we can pull from his lived experience? Connor, you wanna answer that one, buddy? I think SpongeBob loved the clarinet in? Is there something we can pull from from his, his lived experience? Connor, you want to answer that one, buddy? I think SpongeBob loves the clarinet in a way. Yeah, I feel like SpongeBob really tolerated the, the, so Squidward, I guess, just locked out. But you have like a child Squidward next door. I think SpongeBob, I guess. You have to, yeah, I think if you could consult with, with SpongeBob. Yeah, I don't think SpongeBob

ever really retaliated about the clarinet, unfortunately, so that might be a non-starter. Yet. Yeah, yeah. Once he hears this podcast. He's been waiting 25 years. He'll call in. Yeah. Yeah, he's fighting his time.

All right, so well, Ailee, how do you feel about that? You feel good about that? I mean, obviously, we want to know what the hell ends up happening with this because it is very strange But it seems like if you're comfortable just kind of going at him with a sound can and that's probably the best move Yeah, I think yeah, I will I'll sit on the petition idea Well, we'll see you're not gonna be able to do but you're not gonna be able to do petition after you do the music Well, if my friend drops it off. Yeah, but now you're saying, hey, I hate this situation.

You've identified. It would be petition and then sound bomb if you want to do both. Yeah, you're the face of the movement. Yeah. Oh. You understand? Yeah. Just talk to Connor, you know?

Do you think other people would blame the movement of playing music if they hated it so much? I do think, Haley, that if you do the music one, the reason why that one is good is because you're not going to their door, you're not ringing four ring cameras, you're just going, hey, I'm solving my problem. If you have a problem with my solution, you come to my house and we can talk about it. But they started this. Yeah. They started this war by asking their daughter to learn a new skill.

And for that, she will burn and you will make her burn. That's exactly right. She'll be holding a weird little instrument when she does it too. Yeah. How do you feel, Hailey? Yes, I think I will probably, cool man, do the fight fire with fire and I'll just play the music

or I'll play like one song on repeat or like. Do you know what song that'll be? Yeah, what would you play? But what was the one that you recommended? You said. Working for the Weekend. But it's gotta be something that you would like to. Jamie, I feel very comfortable saying

that nobody dislikes Working for the Weekend. Connor, do you know the song Working for the Weekend? I do know the song Working for the Weekend. It's pretty good, right? Oh yeah, absolutely. Yeah, I mean, it's basically what Connor listens to every time he walks into a new area. I mean, it's Friday afternoon, it's safe to say Connor was just listening to it. Or it's like a passive aggressive like nine to five Dolly Parton

I like that too working. That's a great song. It's very listenable song Connor remind us real quick What is your crazy living situation right now? Right now I'm living with a dude who calls himself dirty Mike up Salem Did you get the job at the Haunted Hayride? I know we left off at that. We that one fell through, sadly. Oh, now I'm sorry. To play in dirty, dirty Mike and pickleball.

All right. Listen, Connor, obviously we'll wait for the book. But what a tease. Well, Haley, keep us posted, let us know how it goes. And you know, honestly, I think this is gonna at least get the conversation started. Four ring cameras, temper tantrum dad is strange, but you seem like a nice 27 year old property owner. I feel like you'll be able to navigate it.

Yeah. You've got this. Yeah, it'll be great. We got this. All right, you let us know. And the daughter will thank you for not having to navigate it. Yeah. You've got this. Yeah, it'll be great. We got this. All right, you let us know. And the daughter will thank you for not having to play the clarinet if you're successful. Yeah, she's not into it. She doesn't wanna be doing it, no.

No, it's not even scales. It's like just. Yeah, that's true. She's going like. It's just whatever sound she makes. She's playing like four notes. Ooh, read her to filth, Haley. And then taking an Equity 30.

All right, Haley, well, keep us posted. Thank you for the call and good luck. And Connor, thank you for joining us. Honestly, I can't believe you were on the advice side of this show when right now you just were passed up for a haunted hayride job and you're playing pickleball with a guy named Dirty Mike. But here we are. So thank you, Connor.

Such a pleasure, Connor. Good luck, Connor. Thank you, Haley. Thanks, everyone. Yeah, thanks, guys. Biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz. We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson. And Gareth Reynolds.

The show is produced and edited by Kevin Bartelt. And the associate producer and editor is A.J. McKeown. Our social media director is Caitlin Tanwakeo, and our video editor is John De Bruyne. The theme song is made by Oliver Raleigh, and you can check out his music at oliverraleigh.com. That's Oliver R-A-L-L-I dot com. The album artwork is by James Fostike.

You can find him on Instagram at James underscore Fostike, D-I-K I K E and if you'd like to see me do stand up on the road go to Gareth Reynolds dot com additional artwork by Patty Holland you can find him on Instagram at PADDY Holland 2004 and if you'd like early access to episodes subscribe to our patreon at patreon.com slash here to help pod and if you'd like to be on the show email us your question at helpfulpod at gmail.com. All of the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only and all

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