We're Here to Help - 132: You're Outta Line and I'm Outta Time! with Ben Schwartz

Episode Date: November 18, 2024

Jake, Gareth and special guest Ben Schwartz talk to callers about a toilet paper issue on a wedding night and a boss plucking their leg hairs at work.Later, they follow up with the second caller from episode 126 "Shirt Title Merch Business with Catherine Reitman."Want to call in? Email your question to [e-mail]: heretohelppod.comINSTAGRAM: @HereToHelpPodTIKTOK: @HereToHelpPodIf you’re enjoying the show, make sure to rate We’re Here to Help 5-Stars on Apple Podcasts.Advertise on We’re Here to Help via Gumball.fm See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

With the $5 meal deal at McDonald's, you pick a McDouble or a McChicken, then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Price and participation may vary for a limited time only. Two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two Schwartz. Yeah, we'll keep the intro short because the episode's probably gonna be long. Yes, he is so funny, always funny. You know him from kind of everything. He's a guy who's guested in a million things. He's the voice of Sonic. I know him from his live show called

Ben Schwartz and Friends. Which is touring. Touring. If it's coming to a city near you, I highly recommend it. It will be a ton of fun. He said he's going to Australia. You would know that.

But they do pop around. They do it one weekend a month. Yes. Ben Schwartz is unthinkably funny on stage. And on this episode. And in life. If he comes by you, go see the show. Yes, very funny.

So without further ado. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hi. Uh, without further ado, let's get this thing going. Hi.

Hi, can we get your name please? My name is Adam. Adam? And where are you calling from, Adam? The Boston area. Boston, man. How old are you, Adam? 29.

Oh, you're a young guy. So, Adam, from Boston, 29, you got a special guest. I know him as one of the funniest guys I've ever met. One of the best live performers of all time. You know that's true. We did Ben Schwartz and Friends Back at UCB years ago. Yep. You get that audience in a frenzy.

It's a very fun time. We had a great show too. Yes, and you- and then you never came back on stage. I get some anxiety Love to have you back You crushed the voice of Sonic Mr. Ben Short Boston Boston. How are you today boss? You're lucky Adam. You're lucky Adam. How are you? I'm doing good How about yourself? I'm doing well, man. I'm very excited to hear what you have to say better be good at oh And so with that in mind Adam, what is the issue today? Take your time and let's hear it

All right, let's see. So earlier in June of this year My wife and I got married Congrats Congrats mazel. Thank you and You know beautiful day the whole nine, and it was an open bar. We did not drink necessarily. God, I'm worried. Adam, I'm worried. I'm immediately worried.

Yeah, there's a lot of weird, like Boston open bar, no drinking. There's some problems already. No, well, just her and I, we didn't really drink much, but to keep it short, end of the night, last call, bartend, the life and the night the hotel room has a big like soaker tub type thing for two people sure looks like all right let's have a bottle line up to go in the tub and uh well you know again I begged her in the tub that's in theory that's what I was going for you know I'll get frisky like kittens, but the problem is here.

I'm so nervous. Are you guys not nervous? This is so nerve wracking. He's doing a great job of kind of slow rolling. Oh my God. Okay, so we're there. We got a bottle of champagne. We got a tub.

So she goes to, you know, we get undressed. She goes to the bathroom and then, well, she goes to climb in the tub and it's just a clump of toilet paper hanging out of her ass What and I just I? And I never told her Wait you pulled it out. Wait, did you say? Hold I gotta stop you Adam. What it what is the not drinking at your wedding have anything to do with what is the champagne?

Sober look over here? All this, no drinking, bottle of champagne, just got toilet paper, asshole. I want to emphasize that I didn't want you guys to think that you know we were strong or anything. Oh, okay. Understood. So she took a shit, she took a shit,

and then you guys were gonna go on the thing, and so, like what I do with my dog when she eats grass, you pulled it out, you pulled the toilet paper out with you said without her knowing which to me sounds impossible That's from I don't think she never she never acknowledged. What's she gonna say? Okay, so hold on Adam I'm trying to get on top of this I've got three follow-ups when Jake is done Oh, You go first When you pulled it out was there anything on the toilet paper where did you see did you see shit or no? I grabbed it and I just pumped it behind me. I didn't care to look You just threw it I just threw it behind me I just I didn't know I didn't want to spoil the moment

But I mean the most certainly did for me. Okay. Yeah, of course it did Ben. Did didn't know, I didn't want to spoil the moment, but I mean it most certainly did for me. Okay, yeah, of course it did. Ben, did you have any other follow-up? I have two more if you need them. Please. One of them is, did you give like an Indiana Jones quip, like, looks like both of us need a bath now or something like that?

Did you hit her with something real snazzy where like, yeah, did you absolutely crop, did you James Bond it? I was trying to live in the moment of the wedding and I was like, I don't want this to ruin it. Smart. Yeah, it was like, that's just been hovering. That definitely put a door on the night. Everybody's got a plan to get punched in the face one of those moments.

Yeah, that's right. Yeah, okay, so any last one? Of course I have a final. Please. And then when you got in that tub, did sexual things happen or was the situation a little bit? And also it's your first night where you have, you are now consummating your marriage.

I don't need specifics, I just need to know. Gareth and I would like specifics. We'll just go slow. Gareth for sure wants to say it. I'm pretending I don't want him, but I'm with Gareth. Let's just go slow. I just need a basic gist. Can we buy the dingleberry?

And so just to get in this quick before we hear what happened, because I think the question is going to have something to do with the vibes a little different. The night wasn't great, but I could be wrong. But just to recap, you went out on your wedding, you didn't get drunk. For some reason, you told us there was a bottle of champagne. Is that the scene?

How disappointing was it? He was the best. That was the whole point of the bottle of champagne was to enjoy it in the bathtub. OK. So she goes before. So it was going to be like a special moment where we just shared some champagne, our champagne,

and soaked in the tub and recap the night. But all I could think was just about that goddamn toilet paper. So what happened then, Adam? So she gets in the tub. She's crawling in. She's finally out of her dress. You're all excited. You see a goddamn toilet paper. So what happened then, Adam? So she gets in the tub, she's crawling in, she's finally out of her dress, you're all excited, you see a little toilet paper, you reach, you throw behind you, then walk us through

what happened after that. After that, I just didn't bring it up. Nothing happened in the tub. No sex. We went to bed, we did our thing, and that was kind of the end of the night, but it's just, this has been on my brain, and it's like something that I just keep.

So we're all asking, was there sex after you found out? Yeah, because he said did our thing. I think that means sex in bed. Oh yeah, you betcha. Okay, that a boy. So sex in bed, but not the tub. Oh yeah, no, still got freaky. And Gareth, this is Ben here from New York.

Just so I'm on the same page, you don't have a kink about toilet paper just gently rolling out of an asshole, right? She didn't know that was plain to win your kinks? No, sir. No, sir. If so, this is a different call. Yeah, that's what I...

But I agree. I like the question. Now, Adam, ask a question. Does he need help with or the help is... We're gonna get there. Oh, my God, I can't believe there's more. Yeah, so now we have a pretty clean setup. The night you did have sex... Finally.

Yes, agreed for her. Then what specifically can we help you with today? Oh my God, I love this fucking show. Make that the clip, keep going. Well just, you know. Better not be weak, Adam. This is my first time. It better not be fucking weak.

How do I tell her? Or do I bring it up? Where is our wedding night? Put her on the phone Adam. Oh, yeah. Yeah. We might end there Ben Follow-ups. Yeah, we really might we have we've had people back three or four times how long Adam this was in June Yeah, okay. This is in June. So since then You've been kind of mentally battling the fact that you saw this. I'm guessing this hasn't happened again. Like, we're not talking about it.

If so, this is a different question. No, it's not a repeat offender or anything. OK. And then you're you're obviously still having a sexual relationship with your wife, but it just bothers you and it's just kind of nagging at you a little bit and it probably makes you like, I mean. It matters. I hate to say it matters. And it kind of makes you question the practices a little bit, I guess. I would love to throw you under.

That's interesting. But I would love to tease you, Adam, and make it seem like you're a maniac, but I can relate. Oh, yeah. There are little, like, every once in a while there's a smell or something that happens. Of course. We're people. That you're like, I can't get it out of my head. We're animals. You're animals. Can I tell you something else that this is,

that I've talked to my friends about this exact thing where maybe this isn't the form to bring it up in, but we'll do it anyway. Adam's here, we gotta do it. When we learn how to wipe our asses when we're young, nobody can show you literally how to do it. So I think that everybody wipes their ass a little bit different

and some people wipe their ass inefficiently. You're not wrong. So, but this to me is like, am I one of those people that are inefficient? I'm not leaving shit in my asshole and walking around to a bathtub, but I'm like, this is an important thing

for three, four people to chat about. How do you think, because obviously your wife, she has a method where it seems as if she, when she wipes, she puts her, she might, help me out, help me. So I don't sound like a bad guy. She's really pushing in there. Yeah, she's pushing there She didn't release so when you guys wipe or she was sweaty. Oh, that's interesting I don't think this is a I don't think this is a fundamental flaw Because it's also a dress white she has that big fucking dress on that's got to be a little bit of a heightened wipe experience also She's a white wedding. It was a shot. It's a big time for a wipe

So I'm gonna I'm gonna just Try to get us out of her wiping and I'm gonna tell you why okay? She's not the one who called I can't wait to find out how you wipe if you're able to share that I can't wait Who me? Yeah, you I just know it's fucking dirty Because she's not the one who called. I can't wait to find out how you wipe. If you're able to share that, I can't wait. Who, me? Yeah, you. I just know it's fucking dirty. It's totally true.

Bidet, baby. Do you? Yeah. Do you bidet? Well, I've got the... That's going to be part of my advice is the little tushy. While we're doing songs. It's a beautiful bidet. What do you say?

A little tushy. It's this like the Howard Stern thing? No, because he's got the Japanese toilet. I don't do that. for bidet What do you say a little tissue? It's this like the Howard Stern thing No, cuz you've got the Japanese style. I don't do that. I would love to try but no It's like a little attachment you put on your toilet seat. That's what I mean. Yes, big in the I have those a cottonel wet wipes. That's that's good, too. Yeah, but guys we got to get back to the premise Yeah, sorry Adam around Boston. So Adam, your specific question then and you take over if I'm saying it wrong is

After this night, it's lingering in your head. Yeah, what do you do now? Is that correct or you said do I tell her? Well, I guess the combination of do I tell it do I let it go? you know where it was the wedding night, don't want to time ship on her end, but I just, yeah, when I think wedding, every time it's brought up, I just think about that little bit of toilet paper. So let me ask you a real question, Adam. How much you thinking about this toilet paper in the ass? And I need a real answer.

Is it like it comes up once if someone says wedding, that's all you think? Or is this an issue? Is it linked with sexual stuff once if someone says wedding that's all you think or is this an issue? Is it linked with sexual stuff now? No with sexual stuff. It's more linked with like the wedding itself Just every time we talked about the wedding because obviously what I happen now, that's like the whole story Photo of you guys you're imagining toilet paper in our ass, but regular Wednesday night after work You're not thinking toilet paper in the ass That's that's where I'm stuck. Okay, so I'm starting to get it.

So not be able to talk about your wedding without thinking about that. It is a little bit of a mind-bender. This seems like you can get over this. This seems like you can 100% bring it up. I know my pitch. What? You already know it? Yeah.

What? Never tell her. Really? It will crush her. I don't believe that's what you think. I don't. You think you would never tell her? You? It will crush her. I don't believe that's what you think. I don't. You think you would never tell her? You imagine telling a woman on your wedding night, my dear,

and she's like, by the way, the photos turned out great. And you go, they look beautiful. And she goes, and everyone was so sweet. Like everybody came who we wanted to come. And then we did the dance and she goes, like, dancing with my dad. Like, I didn't think I was going to get emotional. And he goes, oh, yeah, the end of of the night you had toilet paper in your fucking ass. All she's gonna take away is You know what Adam swallow this grenade and die Wow

This is yours yours alone. She made a human so innocent with gats and maybe this is what the podcast is that you guys well different Yeah, I mean I I would agree if I it, the fact that he keeps thinking about it is a problem. I would say if you're gonna tell her you wanna find a way to not make it like a TP intervention. Right, agree. And so what I would maybe do is I would maybe find a way to make it something that just happened to you and bring it up and see if you can parlay that into the conversation.

But it hasn't happened again. Won't she find out you're on this podcast? Isn't this the biggest risk of all? It's a big risk. It's a huge risk. Adam, you're absolutely from Medford. He is from Massachusetts. I know, he's from Medford, right near Boston.

We know exactly where you are. We know exactly where you fucking work. You don't think your wife listens to this podcast? Adam, do you? Tom Holland's brother listens to this podcast. You don't think your wife listens to this fucking the Tom Hollins brother listens his podcast I don't think your wife Do you have fear that she's gonna say this podcast I Would say more than likely not no, okay, so then Wow Ben what's your pitch so I may don't tell Gareth is bring up the conversation. Well, you had toilet paper in your go ahead

I also think there if we find out her general disposition, there is a world where we do call her. Yeah. I think this is a big mistake. This is fucking insane! This is what you guys do! You ruin people's relationship. No, we say... We're gonna pitch on it. Okay, so I'll pitch. We're gonna get a belt of ring.

We're blues guys. Yeah, exactly. This is a moonshot. We're gonna pitch all of our ideas, then we're gonna go to himitch. We're gonna get a belt going. We're blues guys. Yeah, yeah, exactly. But here's what's gonna happen. This is a moonshot. We're gonna pitch all of our ideas, then we're gonna go to him, he's gonna say what he likes, and then we're gonna pitch on that and come up with a solution that he's happy with. We're just pitching to him.

Is it immediate gratification where when we figure out what to do, we do it right then? Sometimes, depending on the thing. Oh my God, I'm fucking anxious for you, Adam. What do you think? First of all, Adam, get a divorce. No, okay. I would, if it was me, I have a problem with spiraling

where if I think of something, I can't stop thinking about it and it gets in the way of me enjoying other things. If you're like that, which maybe you're not, but I would have to say, I would have to say, if it's bothering me so much, I would have to say something. Unless you know it's something that would break her.

Okay, you're Adam, you're the wife. Thank you. Let's just see what happens. Absolutely. Oh gosh, I'm so checkered out. I know. Do you want to order a bottle of champagne after we haven't drank all night? Sure, I guess. Wait, are we doing the web? No, no, no. You're doing right now. Oh, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. Oh, you're recreating the wedding night? What do you mean a bottle of champagne? Getoos get a bottle of shit. You remember on Okay, well, I do remember First of all, how fun was our fucking way? Oh my god the bomb like that's why we have all those pictures on the wall They're gorgeous. Yeah all those and they're kind of tilted to the side

But I can bring him back towards the way looking at us what I'm thinking is fine Do you remember we got home? Mm-hmm. This is a hotel. you remember when we got home? This is so stupid. You mean at the hotel? Or when we got home home? This has kind of been bothering me. First of all, the wedding was amazing. I love the wedding.

This has nothing to do with the wedding not being amazing. What's going on? It's literally so stupid, but you're gonna laugh about this because. I'm laughing a little already. It's very funny. Okay, so remember how we were virgins on our wedding night and then we said we're gonna have sex in this tub? The tub sex. Yes so you went to the bathroom and I don't know what

happened but on the way back you're gonna laugh at this you had okay do you know like okay mm-hmm bunnies bunnies have these like little white puffy tails in the back. Sure, they're tails. So you walked behind, I was like, what is that? Did she have a funny little, you had, so you took a shit, so this is what happened. So you went to the bathroom.

Yeah, I remember. And I think you went, you took a poop. Is that true? Is that, I don't know why. Where's this go, I don't know. You had a piece of toilet paper hanging out of your asshole. What?

And I saw it. What do you mean? And like almost like a fruit by the foot. I don't know you had a piece of toilet paper hanging out of your asshole What and and I saw it and like almost like a thing by the foot I like almost you know, like when how much Asians take out like a nap like a bad Yeah, I got a jump in here. Yeah What now is the hand on the couch talking for Adam? Yeah, how is this gonna help him? Let me finish You know how like the magicians pull out that big thing and just keep coming up Yeah, so I took out this toilet paper and just kept coming out your asshole like a snake coming out of it Yeah, Adam, but the funny thing is I just want to take because I think about it all the time

But I was like, I think we would laugh about this So you had a tiny bit of toilet paper and I just pulled out and threw it to the side You pulled toilet a piece of toilet. Just a tiny little. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Is that funny? I It is kind of funny. All right, Adam. It is kind of funny. I was making it more comedic, but you can do that way quicker. But Adam, do you think in reality,

in your version with her, she's gonna end the way this version ended? Because my two senses, I don't know a woman in the world who's at the end of that gonna go, it is kind of funny that you pulled toilet Paper out of my ass, but I want to hear from you And really in real life. I think she would just be mortified

Would you get over it Adam would she get over it? hard to say I Think she would but just I think she'd be afraid of like any joke-making between us Well, that hasn't happened and I'll be it but now let's say I'll be able to help myself But make the joke Adam. Do you see any world where you're going to tell her but I want the truth So if it is we could help there, but right now we've given this is crazy. This is intense You tell her you don't tell her. I definitely want to tell her you do want to tell her man Man, tell me why you want to tell her cuz I think you're me. Tell me why you want to tell her you don't tell her. I definitely want to tell her. You do want to tell her. You do want to tell her.

Man, man. Tell me why you want to tell her because I think you're me. Tell me why you want to tell her. It's just one of those get it off your chest type things where it's like, you know, it's- Can I ask you- Just one of those get it out of your ass kind of things?

It's like get it off your chest, pull it out your butt. Can I ask you a question? This is a psychology question. Do you think part of you telling us is to now force you to tell her? Like you telling us kind of puts the pressure on you like, fuck, now I kind of have to tell her. Very interesting question. Very interesting. Absolutely. My man, my absolute man. Okay. So if he wants to tell her, then really is about how we look at Jake. Yeah. How do you

do it? I think we're by the way, I'm just saying now before we pitch, we're not having our own. That's gonna be too much of a stomach. I agree. I don't wanna be involved if a marriage goes silent. I agree. This is so crazy. This won't air, let's be honest. We just did one, actually, where the woman called back

and our advice led to a really big fight. I can't do it. You cannot be responsible. But in a low stakes way. Yeah, I agree. You have to make their decision. It's always their decision. Yes. Legally.

But you are peer pressuring them a little bit if you're like, if you're like if you guys like legally No, so we at times we are a hundred percent and that one we were very confident and it did go sideways What was that one something like I feel like something stupid you said it was a Ben Affleck JLo thing, right? Yeah Yeah, oh yeah, right That's a huge Yeah, I know. Oh, yeah, they're right. Yeah, they got divorced. That was us. That's a huge Swing. Adam, can we try something just to see what zone you're in?

Can you would you mind being her? I would love to what's her name? Oh, I'm gonna make her name Ellen I don't want to know. Okay. So Adam Will you give Ben a little info about Ellen so that? It feels because I want to feel how it might actually feel is she chatty? Is she silly? Is she quiet? What kind of lady is she but not too much that her friends when are you talking about it right now, right? I would say she's more on the silly side Big into you know sitcoms and such like that. Just definitely silly

Yeah, I mean so she might have she might have fun with this. Oh, I think this is gonna be fine I think I think you're gonna have fun. Okay, it's gonna be fun. I think he could have fun, but I'm just afraid of it being attached to the wedding. Right, so we need to figure out how you'd frame this so that she can have fun with it, and it's not negative. This is smart, this is nice, you guys. Yes, okay, this is okay.

I am channeling Ellen, I am Ellen, I am ready for you, Adam. Adam, start whenever you want. Think levity, lightness, fun, charm, not- Am I playing this for real or for comedy? Real? A little bit of both. Sorry, Adam.

Make it your own. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's be honest. I mean, come on. Make it your own. Shout out. Okay, ready. Whenever you are ready, Adam,

we want her to laugh at this and not feel like she ruined the wedding by being a disgusting animal She didn't ruin it, she didn't ruin it, nobody was there She made it! Here I'm watching Friends Hey girl What's up boy?

Adam did you see this episode of Friends? This is the one where they actually find out that Ross and Rachel, they're gonna kiss. Quick side, I appreciate you using regular voice. If I do, I don't know what nationality she is, I don't wanna go crazy. Unless Adam, do you need me to do a higher voice for you? That'd be sweet, yeah. Okay. Wow, that'd be sweet. Can we start again with, hey girl?

Okay, I'll pick a different. I'm gonna sing a theme song. Oh, I love pick a different. Hi, Adam. Hey, girl. Hey, what's up? Just watching Frasier. This is the one where his brother is a weak. I got to talk to you. About what, baby? Our wedding. Oh my God.

Do you remember our wedding? It was awesome. It's unbelievable. I can't believe it's almost been a year. We got to talk about it. I'm going to go to the bathroom. I'm going to go to the bathroom. I'm going to go to the bathroom.

I'm going to go to the bathroom. I'm going to go to the bathroom. I'm going to go to the bathroom. I'm going to go to the bathroom. I'm going to go to the bathroom. I'm going to go to the bathroom. I'm going to go to the bathroom. I'm going to go to the bathroom. I'm going to go to the bathroom. I'm going to go to the bathroom. our wedding. Oh my god do you remember our wedding? It was awesome. It's unbelievable. I can't believe it's almost been a year. Well we're getting there. Don't rush. We're just... Don't rush? The suns been bothering me. Get your hand off my leg. Don't rush?

All right sorry sorry Adam yeah? Suns been bothering me a little bit that I wanted to you know kind of run by. was at the end of some of those all right we got the champagne sent to the room and you know we went like yes we asked that we asked if they could send it up to the room I absolutely remember that was so cute you hey it was cool and obviously we get up there and like you know again undress ready for a bath you had to go to the bathroom okay Adam okay and uh yeah well when you climb into the tub there was Dress ready for a bath. You gotta go to the bathroom. Okay, Adam. Okay, and Yeah, well when you climb into the tub there was um, I Just I don't how to say it. There was just a clump of toilet paper. Yes, and I

Sorry, I do like what's it off. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Let me just pause boy meets world How many screens you got on he's a goggle what um What do clump? I'm so sorry. What do you mean by clump? Like a piece of toilet paper? What is it? Because I didn't hear clump before. What is clump? No. Clump's a long word. You know it. You know, like it was like a couple pieces of toilet paper folded up. Oh my god. Okay. So what, what, oh my god, but I didn't see it in the tub, so what happened? I went in the tub and I didn't see anything come up. Well, as you're climbing in, I just like grabbed it and I just kind of tossed it behind us by like the toilet.

Oh my god, that is the sexiest thing I have ever heard. Stop it, you're not, wait, no way. Spin, spin doctor, spin. I cannot believe it, spin doctor? Spin doctor. Oh fuck, how can I not think of one spin doctor song? Someone please. Two princes.

Princess here before you. Wait, okay, so. Wait, was that, is that spin doctors? Yeah. Nice, both you guys. Now go ahead now, princess, running you with. Adam, this is what she'll be doing. And then it's a montage of you guys having fun go ahead now, put that, put it you with. Adam, this is what she'll be doing. Why?

And then it's a montage of you guys having fun and she forgets about it. So you are 100%, you think it's a good idea to tell your wife that two months ago, on the night of your guys' wedding, she had one little blunder. She had a tiny piece of fucking toilet paper in between her fucking butt cheeks for one second and you Adam

Can't fucking deal with a bad memory. Jake. Jake. You okay? Sorry blood is coming into Jake's nose. What you know what Adam? I'm gonna talk to you now like you're my son. Oh my god. You know what? It's not good by the way You're a guy from Massachusetts. Oh shit deal with it. Oh my god You know what's gonna happen one day when a baby pops out of her you're gonna see a lot more than fucking toilet paper Okay, Jake. I think you're gonna pull your big boy pants up and deal with you got a beautiful wife You're a 29 year old kid. You're happily married never tell this woman There was a clump of toilet paper in your fucking ass. You're really aggravated right now. You're out of line Jake literally courts out of line

Jake literally courts out of order simply I don't think I don't think a few good men started and you're out of time you're out of time and I'm out of time and this court's out of order and I'm out of time. I think that is a direct al Pacino line it can't be. From something. And I'm from something is dog day afternoon. You mix them all together you can form that. Some melange. AI could pull that together fast. Okay I think that's where I'm at. I think that's. Allen Iverson? I think that. So what do you think Adam? So Adam where are you? Let's get to let's

get clean on this for a second. What do you what are you actually feeling and then we're gonna tighten up and we're gonna help you figure this out. Wow unbelievable. Yeah I'm I think I'm still gonna try to find a way to tell her. So and then we're going to tighten up and we're going to help you figure this out. Wow. Unbelievable. Yeah, I think I'm still going to try to find a way to tell her. So then if you tell her, here's my honest advice to you. I think you need to say, I want to make something crystal clear. This is not a big deal. This is my issue, not yours. I think that's right. All right.

Listen, there are people who go to war and have to come back and just sit with the secrets in their head. So you just, you might, I think just you have TTSDs. Yes. I mean, we're talking about people like they've killed people. Are you saying it's not a big, that's, or shouldn't it be deals to bring it up? Or are you saying? I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying live with the secret for at least a year. And then, and then at that point, I have an idea.

I have an idea. I have an idea. have an idea what about this what about this yeah on your 15th anniversary of the dingle day I think you've saved it all this whole time I think this is what you do you'd be like hey this thing happened I just want to know if you knew it happened right because she must have you can't pull out something from someone's asshole yes I was like what if you're like did you know I mean did you know oh I mean, did you know? Ooh, this is right. I like wedding day.

I like that. So yeah, so I think Adam jump in. I didn't want you to be embarrassed or anything like that. No, I wouldn't even go embarrassed. I think you're right. I'm going this. That's a good note.

No embarrassment. I would do it a game, Adam. I would go, I just need to know something. That's right. This is the way to do it. We just figured it out. Get her on the phone. Nope.

Nope. Okay, sorry. But here's honestly, here's Adam. Here's what I the way to do it. We just figured it out. Yes. Get her on the phone. Nope. Nope. OK. Sorry. But here's honestly, that's right. And here's what I would do. Here would be my play because it's shocking. Will you be her? Sure. I need to ask you, sir. And this could be drinking. OK. This goes to Gary. Hey, girl. Hey, hi. Gun. You've already got a guy. Jesus. So I got to ask something because I just honestly don't know.

Yeah. OK. I honestly don't know. About what? On our wedding night, this is when you got into the tub. Yeah. Do you remember I touched that grab something from your butt or no? What? You don't remember? Too harsh. But you're there. You're the right. I mean, you're Adam. I'm her. Great. Let's and I'm going to try to do it like her.

I'll be Billy Crystal and forget Paris. Great. Great. Fantastic. Let's see it. Hey, I have to, there's something that I just am so curious about just from like, almost like a Mythbuster standpoint, the night of our wedding. Like when you got into the tub that night, do you remember this? I feel like you must have noticed that I did something to your butt. That's right.

That's right. That's right. Yeah, I do. Okay. Do you know what I was doing? Because you didn't even say anything. Well, I didn't know what you were doing. You touched my butt. Whole. A little. Whole. Yeah. Close. Well, what I did was I pulled a little piece of TP out. That's right, guys. What? You didn't feel it? I didn't know that.

Are we getting this? This is great. Adam, what do you think about doing it? It's not an issue. It's not a problem. You've been wondering if if she knew that's what I'm saying. Yeah, that's better. But yes, I agree. What do you think? Yes I think that's definitely the right way to go about it. We got the phone. So here you do it Yeah, just kind of bring it up in a sense of You're gonna be her Wow Kevin B. Ellen we've like, hey, hey, you're going to be her. Wow. Kevin B. Allen. We've all been heard so much. And you're going to be you be you. And let's hear. Oh, and we'll be the three amigos.

Yes. No, I think so. Yeah, we should do that. My little buttercup has the sweetest smile. Adam, I wanted to see this at the best of your ability. This is real, Adam. don't commit to it. Hey girl, do you remember the night of the wedding? Like at some point, as we were climbing the tub, I touched your butt. I mean, I'm sure you did.

I guess I don't remember a specific instance of it. Alright, don't worry about it. Thank you for the call. Unbelievable. We appreciate it. Take care Adam, we got no other goes. Thank you for the call. Unbelievable. We appreciate it. Take care Adam, we got to know how it goes. Follow up Adam, for fuck's sake follow up. Take care.

Bye. Bye bud. Thank you guys so much. Dell Technologies Black Friday event is live and if you've been waiting for an AI ready PC this is their biggest sale of the year. Tech enthusiasts love this sale because it's all the newest hits plus all the greatest hits all on sale at once. Savings on Dell Technologies most popular PCs that accelerate AI with Intel Core Ultra processors are here like the XPS 16. The XPS 16 delivers supercharged processing for enhanced productivity and freedom to express

yourself with a dedicated system for AI enabled apps. So if you're ready to step up all things you like to do, streaming, surfing, multitasking, whatever Dell Technologies AI ready PCs are the perfect upgrade. And for the best of Intel Core Ultra processors, look for Intel Evo Edition laptops. Engineered to do it all, just visit dell.com slash deals. Whether you're treating yourself or thinking of others, these Black Friday prices were worth the wait, but it's only here for a limited time.

Shop now at dell.com slash deals. And we are brought to you by Squarespace. We love and adore Squarespace. We want to have Squarespace as a guest on the show, but they have repeatedly told us that there's not a person. But we would love to meet the guy or the woman, whatever it is. Look, they legitimize your website. My website is Squarespace.

Kevin's website is Squarespace. Kevin's website is Squarespace. Super user friendly. Many of our callers websites are Squarespace. Yeah, we did the wigs and suits. They were Squarespace. This woman called it, she'd been lying to her boss about taking cooking classes while she was going off and doing some more naughty stuff. We helped make her a website that was so legitimate, her boss believed she was taking cooking classes. You think we're putting in 40 hours of work to do that? No! We're using Squarespace because they make it that easy.

Squarespace, we're talking design intelligence, Squarespace payments, connected to your social and multimedia accounts. It makes it easy to sell content, there's SEO tools, all these things that I'd say 30% of our listeners are going, that intimidates me. Not anymore, it doesn't, because Squarespace makes it easy. It's like having a translator with you. It makes you legitimized in the website world.

You need a website, just ask Kevin. So join us on a Squarespace journey. Head to squarespace.com slash Gil sent me to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain using code Gil. Oh, and we're brought to you by Dollar Shave Club. Look, they have revolutionized the way we shave with their grooming products, with their razors, all super high quality, never overpriced. I mean, the razors last forever.

I love the razors. I love the razors. I love the actual, like the shaving foam, all those things. Truly they just make it so easy on you. What else do you use, Kevin? I use the Six Blade razor. I used it for a wedding a couple weeks ago. Looked slick.

And then I love the trimmer. Feels very easy to use, just like a very quick. Well, Kevin, it's that diamond handle that they've got going on with that thing. I'll be honest, Kevin and I sometimes get together and we shave each other. We do it like old West style. We'll get together and we'll lather each other's faces up and we'll shave each other. And Kevin's wife doesn't know about that, but she doesn't really listen to the show, so we're okay.

They have a lot of stuff. They have the double-headed electric trimmer, the style detailer, precision trimmer, personal care for dudes. We're talking face to the naughty place. Dollar Shave Club has you. And the best part, Dollar Shave Club products are now available everywhere, so you can order from their website, Amazon, or get them at your favorite retailer near you. But don't take our word for it, try it for yourself.

You can visit their site right now for 20% off, $20 or more, and get your products delivered right to your door. Visit dollarshaveclub.com slash here to help and use promo code here to help for 20% off, $20. Hello. Hi, can we get your name please? Yes, my name is Meg. Okay, and where are you calling from Meg? Lincoln Nebraska.

Ooh Nebraska, cool. And about how old are you? 23. 23. You like bands? You like music? I like music? I like music, yeah.

Who's your favorite musician currently? Probably Lana Del Rey or Taylor Swift. Sure, sure, sure. Friends of the show. Yeah. Not really. Shut up. Kinda, Nikki Glaser was here.

She talked about how much she liked Taylor. So, Meg from Nebraska, you like Taylor Swift. You got me and Garf obviously, you got the shark, and you've got Mr. Ben Schwartz, the voice of Sonic. Hi, how are you? The leader of Ben Schwartz and Friends who, if you're in an area it's doing live, go see it later.

You gotta come see it. Go see it. Are you going to Nebraska? I'm not going to Nebraska, but surely there's a state right next door. Take a plane. I'll take a plane. So Meg, all three of us are here.

What can we do for you today? Okay, so mine is kind of short, but basically I've noticed that my boss individually plucks what I can only assume is her leg hair from her legs with tweeters when she's like on a long work call and she seemingly gets bored and I guess I want it to stop but I don't know how and I don't want it to come from me. Understood. This is a great call. Yes. So question. This almost disgusts me more than our last call

for a big guy. Of course. Are you kidding me? This is very bothering. So you mean she plucks them and then like it's a weird habit and then just puts the hairs down? Yeah, where are the hairs going? I don't know where the hairs go.

So she's just plucking and dropping. I don't get close enough to her to like watch where they go but I think they just go back onto her leg or the ground or whatever. Meg Benchworth's here. I play Dewey Duck in DuckTales. I got a question for you. Is she in a different office that is kind of closed off and you have to kind of really look to see this, or is it an open space where she's right next to you? Everybody can fucking see this. She's right next to you like everybody can fucking see the question. It's an open space everybody can see it I just looked over one day and realized that's what she was doing

We each have our own desk, but it's very open So just walk us through Meg when you first saw it how it happened what you saw so it's basically she's on a call She's got tweezers. She's wearing some skirt and so she's shaves her legs before I'd imagine it work And then plucks the loose ones walk me through it. I'm not fully getting it, but I am with gareth somehow It's disgusting, but I don't quite get it. I Mean, they're really small so I don't actually see it happening. I see her picking at her leg With tweezers, okay, so a little blonde hair Okay, it could be like hair, but it could also be skin. I've seen her picking at her feet before

lead with what She feet Okay, and so you're seeing this healing yourself It's an LSD, but it's not about the the hair or the skin remaining It's about the act of doing it is grossing you out and you want that act of her picking her legs stuff To stop is that correct? Yes, correct hard Meg. This is Ben Schwartz I played Rabbi and this is where I leave you what I'm thinking what I'm thinking is this it's making me look inward and

Think about what kind of weird shit do I have any like things where I'm like, I would never do that. As you're doing it, I was twirling this. Exactly. I was like, I wonder if someone finds that. But I think like it's almost like when I see people clipping nails in public, like that's like, oh man, now all that dead stuff is around, right? I was like, I wonder, has she ever seen you looking?

Again, this is Ben. I played Leo in Teenage Mutantant Turtles. Let's hear it Let's hear Leo. Oh, no, she's never by the way. I call bluff. Prove it eyes closed. I Want to hear Leo is my own voice do it Dewey Duck was higher I should have said Dewey and I want to hear Dewey Dewey Duck was higher. I should've said Dewey, and I wanna hear Dewey. De-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-de What other coworkers are you commiserating over this? Are people talking or is this just kind of your own little private prison? It's kind of private.

I could bring it up to another coworker that sits in her direct vicinity and could see, but I'm not really sure if she would care. She kind of has her own. Yeah, I would think for the pitches that she does. For the pitches you're gonna get from me Do not tell anyone else you work with. Yeah, so it's gotta be pretty really. Yeah, because I think

Well, I wish I knew if it was leg hair. She's plucking This is a huge part for me as well Because if it is I can pitch in that direction if it is I would recommend an anonymous Waxing gift certificate no and on the memo line you write for your leg And you drop yeah, you drop it on the desk. She's doing it for a nervous tick. That's right But I think I'll do that's just a way my pitch is just a way to say hey cool it noticed You know, that's a television. You know, it's a terrible bitch. Even when you're pitching it I could tell it's a terrible bitch and I know you know, no, I don't I I now I know I've been doing this for a

While them he does it. Yeah, really? No, you think that's not a joke bitch not saying a word but giving this woman you need to get your fucking legs in bottom Waxed but I heard you were saying okay. You're leaving something. Here's an old bitch. You'll hate this one, too Oh, yeah, then don't say it steal the tweezers. Yeah Here's an old bitch. You'll hate this one too. Yeah, I then don't say it steal the tweezers. Yeah Steal it. Who are you? She thought about thought about there we go, then you got the murder weapon kid Now what are you gonna do with it smoking guns in your hand? What do you get more? I know that's the problem I think this is what you do

I think if you see it one time If you see it happening look at it for a second And then you could look at her for a second and look it away I think she would get so embarrassed she would stop. I have a pitch on that pitch. Okay, or I think just, if it's like a tick and she's just like rubbing her leg, she's allowed to do that, that's not weird.

Yes, but I have a pitch on Ben's pitch. It's not gonna be easy, what I'm gonna say is gonna be wrong. Can you drop some resume stuff real quick? I feel like that's locked us in a little bit better when Ben's... Oh, sorry, Ben Schwartz, I was the third on the call sheet in House of Lies, had a double trailer. Thank you.

Interesting, okay. Prove it. Hey, it's me, Clyde Oberholt. He's real. That one got me. Here's my pitch, Meg, and it's not gonna be right, but there might be a zone here. When she starts messing with her legs, hit an air horn. It's not gonna be right, but there might be a zone here. When she starts messing with her legs, hit an air horn.

It's crazy. It's right, so I know that's not right, but what we're looking to do is this. She's like this, yeah, hello. I, you can't do that to your boss. You're trying to get a Pavlovian response from her? Spray it like, I have a dog barks, you spray it, and they go like, what the fuck are you doing?

You can't do that to your boss. I agree, but there could be something. Okay, here's what I got. Ready for this? I'm almost thinking you don't do anything. We keep going I want you to get your own set of tweezers Okay, and I want you to start doing it on the calls when she's doing now. She's the weirdo acting You know, but it's acting like you're the act It's like how peanut shells end up on a bar floor once I go started So we're all eyes I would say here that just start doing it just because we're now allowing

smoking in the office. Meg, can I ask a question? Yes. What would Lana Del Rey do in this situation? That's a great question. I think she would probably just be like, what the fuck are you doing? Oh, you think she would say something?

So Meg, are you thinking of talking to her about it? God, that's too much. Boss, employee, I don't know if it's wise, but is that what you're thinking? I think if she saw, like if we go off the page of like, she sees me looking at her, that's what I'm saying. I might be inclined to be like, are you okay?

Like, is there something wrong with your leg? Your gut feeling is possibly enter the world of concern Is that correct? Yeah Because there is a world where she goes we could and we've pitched on stuff like this before by just saying like hey fyi I heard this thing where if you pluck the hair you could create a whole rash thing So I'm just saying like be careful with over plucking hairs on legs. She goes, I noticed you do it, I do it too. Just as a head zip, so the woman goes like, oh shit,

I guess I'm doing it. I'm not even being like. Now you're in her world, now she can talk to you about it. Your buddies. Yeah, exactly, your plucking buddies. Sorry to overstep if I offend you, ignore me. But I saw you plucking it and I do that too and what it could lead to is ingrown hairs

That could be like such an issue. I had a cousin who had to do a surgery. I can't believe you guys are the people who host this show. I cannot believe you guys are the people who host this show. Meg, when you listen to this show, do you think the advice they give out is one through ten? Ten being the best advice you ever heard, one being like never listen to that. What do you think the average is? Because I'm just catching up right now. Be honest Meg. It depends. It depends. I need you to the average is? Because I'm just catching up right now. Be honest, Meg. It depends.

It depends. I need you to give me an average. Yeah, go ahead. Seven. I'll take a seven. Seven is great. Seven is unbelievable. I'll take a seven.

Seven is unbelievable. And then how do you feel like they're handling this today? One through ten. I mean, I think pretty well. Maybe like eight. I'm not going to say that I see that as well I feel like I'm taking crazy probably hurt So what do you buy how nervous were you getting during that I I was I thought she was gonna say six whatever she said

We were both gonna say pretty good. Yeah, it is really good But if she went like this for I was gonna go pretty good I agree, but I'm happy with this. I am too, this has gone great. So Ben, you're taking crazy pills, we're doing a bad job. Hold on, the floor is yours. I would love to. So, Meg, this is what I think,

this is what I think. Ben Schwartz, Undercovers, JJ Abrams, directed the pilot. Wow. This is what I think for real. I think if she notices you looking once, I mean, you don't do it crazy, but if she noticed-

Wait, that's just the pilot. That show got picked up. Well, JJ directed the pilot, then we had other people. You just wanted to mention it? It's impressive! It's impressive! But the show's called Undercover. Josh Ream's directed it. Like three guys running the business. Stop. Undercover, I watched it. Yeah, so? You don't say that JJ Abram... Did he not? Did he not did he not undercover?

Okay, Meg. That's it now. I'm taking crazy pills and you know it James shot a pilot it didn't go and I go it did go I know it's called undercover Alright, I'm taking the crazy pills out of your pocket She floors yours floors by Meg. Sorry about that Right. I'm taking the crazy pills out of your pocket. Floor is yours. Floor is mine, Meg. Sorry about that. OK, I think if you, if she, do you think, Meg, just being you right now, the guys, the guys went home.

The guys went home. If you think she saw, if you think she saw you see, if you think she knew that you saw that, what do you think her real reaction would be? No jokes. What do you think her real reaction would be? Do you think she you think her real reaction would be do you think she'd care? No, I honestly don't think she would care because she knows she's in a public office like it's people Wouldn't be inappropriate right? That's not one of the things in a public office

That wouldn't be like an inappropriate thing to do or is it I don't know what the etiquette is Hey, Jake Johnson Jake has in a pilot called new girl. That's smart. He directs the pilot. Yes, I didn't know that I'm so happy a pilot called New Girl. That's smart, he directed the pilot? Yes. I didn't know that, I'm so happy to know that information now, that's unbelievable. Stop it, stop it. Stop it. God, keep going.

He's worked with some big people. Yeah, huge, thanks man. She knows she's plucking her hair. Yeah. She's got a tick. Yeah, she has a tick. We're dealing with somebody who is doing something, but she's not even, it's like, she's like,

on a business call, in her own little space. Yeah. Going like this. I do stuff like that. I know I'm worried about it. We're I wouldn't do that at work, but I don't think you'll remember. I don't think you know. I don't think she is. I know. But that's what so that's what I think. Like a way to stoker into being like, hey, you're doing this.

Is give her the wax or something. Yeah. No way. How often have you seen her do this? Is it just one time? OK, I got one. How often is she wearing skirts? I got one. And you're going to hate this one. I think everyone's going to hate this one.

Wait, Meg, just answer me that. How often have you seen her do this? Just one time? I've seen her do the leg thing twice. I've seen her pick out her feet numerous times. All right, Gareth, that's a good one. Gareth, that's a good one. What is the picking at the feet?

Yeah, that's the problem. How are her feet exposed? Yes. Sandals. And what is she picking her feet with? Her fingers or the tweezers? Usually it's fingers. But it's... I haven't seen her messing with her feet since she started up with the tweezers in the legs. I got a note for you, Meg. And I love you. And we're gonna solve this problem. To me, the feet is by far a more egregious. I agree. That to me is

fucking like chimpanzee shit. Here's what I'm gonna say. You called about the tweezer leg problem. I think there's a way where we can try to attack that problem and maybe that sends a message to the body of your boss. I think this is gonna be 0 for 3. I think you're gonna strike out right here. I got a strong feeling you're right. Come on, Gary, go for it. Confidence, confidence.

You also said COVID wasn't real at the beginning. It wasn't. So keep going, Gary. Okay, buy her a pair of tweezers, nice ones, and give them to her and be like, hey, I see you doing this with your leg. These are like the best tweezers for hair extraction I want to keep going keep going. I'm listening

Unfortunately near the end. That was it, but it's to get I hear what you're saying spin on the What the fuck is going on? So what is the real pitch if you have a boss do it take away feet take away tweezers your boss does something weird It's ruining your vibe. She's the boss. So you can't say, hey, cool it. You can get fired. How do you tell somebody who is in a position of power

this weird tick you do is barfing me out? Also Meg, is it affecting your work? I mean, sometimes, like I'm taking a really long lunch right now to- Yeah, to do this call though. To find out an answer. Meg, get her on the phone real quick. So Meg, here's my honest right now. Yeah, to do this call though. That's fine. Get her on the phone real quick. So Meg, here's my honest bit.

Don't, do not, do not. Here's my real pitch to you. Fake concern, Garrah said doctors no, but I would lean into that zone and I would say, hey girl, just wanna let you know, I've seen you doing something that my cousin did and you're puckling out hairs and she goes, I am. And you go, obviously none of my business,

I'm just saying this out of concern. She did it, it led to a really bad rash. Is that true? Is this true? Is this medically true? Look how good it is. Oh, of course not. This is Meg's pit, but this is the pit.

And you go, but it led to like a rash on her leg where she needed to get steroids. And she goes, obviously do your thing. I'm just letting you know that those hairs can get ingrown and infected. It's not a bad pitch. And go like, girl, do your thing. I'm just letting you know that those hairs can get ingrown and infected. And go, like, girl, I watched it with my cousin. It got so grim. And then go, anyway, love ya.

And go back to work. Put in her head, this fucking weird habit I got could end up with a fucking rash. I'm done. It's not a bad pitch, actually. I love the Jake ending to what the boss said. I quit. I can't do this. I love the Jake ending to what the boss said. I quit. I can't do this.

You also don't want to make it uncomfortable where she like, now the boss feels uncomfortable around Meg, like who is just trying to fucking work there. It's such a weird situation. It's hard. It's not totally your business, but it's also like if she's plinking at her feet, it's kind of disgusting.

But Meg, what do you think of that pitch of saying to her, it's partly, so we're gonna go to you now. What do you think of that pitch of saying to her? It's partly so we're gonna go to you now What do you think of the idea of giving her tweezers? What do you think of the idea of giving her either wax? What do you think of just bringing it up? What do you think of going to her and bringing up the idea of? My cousin or somebody in my life did that too and it led to a bad infection of those pitches What zone are you going towards? I think I like the treater's idea. I do fear that would egg her on.

Um, but I think that, um, like saying my cousin got a really bad infection from doing that in public, I think. Is bad. A really good bet. And it'll come from like a- Oh, it's good. Okay. Like concern. My pitch, just react, just let her see that you see it.

Make a little bit more of a meal of noticing. If someone did that to me, I would be mortified. And don't like give her attitude or anything. Just like- No, notice. Linger there enough for her to know that like, oh my God, she sees this. I didn't even know. Cause I think she doesn't know

she's doing it. I think so too. I think it's an out of body experience. That's exactly. So Meg, what do you think about lingering eye contact and then that awkward smile after like, saw that, and then maybe do that a couple of times. I think that's really good.

Okay, and then after that. I don't know about the smile. I didn't pitch a smile. That's a Jake Johnson original. Well, it's like. But what is the, The smile's funny. What I want her to. Yeah, I want you

to look for a little bit and then when she sees you, I want I want you to wink at her. Wait, Jake, smile. The smile this like, okay, well here you're her. Yeah. Okay. I'm not judging you. Yeah, but we made eye contact. It's not going like this. Just look away. Just look away. You don don't wanna do with your boss. This is what I think you should do. You acknowledge it. Who am I looking at? Who's the boss?

Gareth. Who's the boss? Pretty good too. I like both. I like the smile at Ben's last one. So Meg, if you make eye contact with her, does it warrant anything after in your honest opinion? Smart question.

No, I don't think so. That's right. I'm making sure she knows that I Put a weird smile. I would be willing to do I would not wait. This is smart Meg. This is smart So okay, so you're gonna right there and don't get fired. I just don't want to make No, you're gonna do that how many times until you do the cousins got a rash? You want to say three? No, you can't do it three times. Two. That makes the weirdo.

But I think if she keeps going, man, go ahead. I think it's gotta be like the second time I see her. The second time. I think that's right. I make eye contact with her. Do you know question? Are we saying during? Yeah, do you go right away?

yeah, be like so my cousin used to do that actually and She ended up getting a really really bad rash. I agree good performance. Meg. Meg. That's a great performance Meg, do you want to be an actress? Those are great Meg. What pilots have you been in and who directed them? Meg I think that's right. I would go one awkward, the second time, once the work stuff's over, I would go, just so you know, I mean, I don't care, but do the cousin picture. I think that's right. Yeah.

So Meg, what are you gonna do? This is tough. This is tough. Meg, what do you think? That's what I'm gonna do. You are gonna do it? Great. Will you follow up with,

if it's just the look and it ends, great, if you do the cousin thing, will you follow up with us? Yes. So will you follow up with us after the cousin things if you have to go there and if not and it's a happy ending, then follow up with us eventually and just tell us that it all worked out and maybe we'll be at 7.5.

Yep, it's very good for guys like us. Meg, I'm rooting for you. Just also follow your instinct. If it feels like something bad is happening, get out, get out. Don't do it. Don't do it. Bye Meg, best of luck. Thank you.

Bye Meg. Bye Meg. Bye Meg. Bye Meg. Bye Meg. This episode is brought to you by Simply Safe. Simply Safe is a home security which I use on my house with active guards. Simply Safe's 24-7 modern agents keep a close watch over your property

and actually stop crimes before they happen. The cameras use advanced AI to tell the difference between friendly faces like family and neighbors and potential threats, alerting agents to suspicious individuals before they get close to your home. These agents can talk directly to the intruder, sound aloud siren, flashlights, and even alert the police. While other systems only react after a break-in, SimpliSafe combines live monitoring and proactive protection both outside and inside your home.

That's why I trust SimpliSafe with my own home security every day. And I want you to have that same peace of mind. Protect your home with 50% off a new SimpliSafe system plus a free indoor security camera when you sign up for fast protect monitoring. Just visit SimpliSafe.com slash here to help. That's SimpliSafe.com slash here to help. There's no safe like simple safe. And we are brought to you by Mint Mobile.

Look, you know we're here to help. We love to help and we love to help with giving people deals. How good was that, Kevin? Very good. It was great. But we're not here to backpack me over how awesome that was because Mint Mobile is awesome. Look, Mint Mobile is $15 a month wireless when you purchase a three-month plan. So we're here to help.

We're like, is this really true? So we switched to Mint Mobile. And it really is that. It's $15 a month. The longest part of the process was the time I spent on hold waiting to break up with the old provider because you know they're trying to get you. You're probably not on your wife. I'm not going to get into it.

But to get started, go to MintMobile.com slash here to help. There you'll see right now all three-month plans are only $15 a month. Not a lot of people know that Ryan Reynolds and I are brothers. So that's why I'm biased, but I also like it on its own merits. All the plans come with high-speed data, unlimited talk, text on the nation's largest 5G network, can use your own phone with any mobile plan, and bring your phone number, which is the best part. I mean, there's a lot of best parts.

It's a tie for best parts. All your existing contacts, not that you would really worry that they would try to break up your pre-existing relationships, but find out how easy it is to switch to Mint Mobile and get three months of premium wireless for 15 bucks a month. To get this new customer offer and your new three-month premium wireless plan for just 15 bucks a month, go to MintMobile.com slash here to help. That's MintMobile.com slash here to help. Cut your wireless bill to 15 bucks a month at MintMobile.com slash here to help.

$45 upfront payment required equivalent to $15 a month, new customers on first three-month plan only, speeds slower above 40 GB on unlimited plans, additional taxes, fees and restrictions apply. See Mint Mobile for details. All right, we're brought to you by Uncommon Goods. Spark something uncommon this holiday season with the right gift from Uncommon Goods. Look, I can, this is a great place to go if you go to Uncommon Goods. If you don't know what you're going to get somebody, I cannot recommend it enough to

go to Uncommon Goods to get an idea or even find that thing. It is just, it's like walking through an amazing store online. They scour the globe for all these original or handmade, you know, items you'd never think of and I ordered a few things from it because there were just things where I was like, oh, it's perfect for my mom or, you know, like whoever you're going to get it for. Truly, just a great place to go either find it or spark an idea. And when you shop on Common Goods, another thing we love, you're supporting artists and small independent businesses.

Many of their handcrafted products are made in small batches. So don't be like, oh, come back tomorrow. Do it now. Shop now before they run out. They look for high quality products. It has something for everybody. And they give $1 back to a nonprofit partner of your choice. They've donated more than $3 million to date.

So what are you doing? Go to UncommonGoods to get 15% off your next gift. That's UncommonGoods.com slash here to help for 15% off. Don't miss out on this limited time offer on Uncommon Goods. We're all out of the ordinary. Especially Kevin. Hey everyone, it's the shark. The original call from this next follow-up aired on October 28th It's called shirt title merch business with Katherine Reitman and it is the second call from the episode So if you'd like to listen as a quick refresher go for it. Enjoy Hi, welcome back so we're here to help

we Know that you're a follow-up, but we don't know what the follow up is. It's just Gareth and the shark on this one. So we'll have to relay your follow up to Jake, but why don't you let us know what was the original call and where are you at? All right. This is Claire and you might not recognize me as I'm sober this time, but I threw a murder mystery party. You're at the wedding or engagement party or something, right? Yes. I sure was.

You jugglered. Okay. And what was your original problem? I can't remember exactly. I needed help planning a Mad Men murder mystery party. Oh, right. Yes. We pitched forever on your Mad Men murder mystery party.

Yes. Thank you for sending me on your Mad Men Murder Mystery Party. Yes. Thank you for sending me the audio because I needed it after. I don't remember what we said. So what did we end up landing on exactly? Yeah, there was a lot of plot points pitched for why we were gathering who got killed. So we were celebrating the closing of a Nabisco deal that the ad agency closed. And the guy who closed the deal, we named him, well, you guys named him Troy. We ended up naming him Dick and he was stealing all the women's ideas and pitching on them and one of the women's ideas and pitching on them.

And one of the women's husbands was sick of it and he killed him. And there was a pitch to kill him with a plunger. Uh-huh, right. We did not go with the plunger death. Probably the right call. But it was awesome. Everyone came dressed perfectly, martinis and cigarettes in hand and great outfits.

I sent some pictures. Oh, wow. I'm sharing my pictures with Gareth right now. That's great. And what were you on, a ladder for that first picture? That was a very high vantage point shot. Okay, great. There's a guy smoking.

Lots of smoking. Lots of smoking. Lots of drinking, my friend bartended. Jesus, everyone, great. Oh, there's a guy smoking. Lots of smoking, lots of smoking. My friend, my friend bartended. Jesus, everyone's smoking. Were people who weren't, were people who didn't smoke smoking? Yes.

Okay. Everyone leaned in. Yeah. So we did like a cocktail hour. And then at one point I screamed in the back room and everyone came running and Dick was dead on the floor. And one of the pictures shows that. All right, keep going. So then Dick came back. Well, my friend who played Dick came back as the

twin brother detective to help to help solve love the murder Yeah, and okay my friend got progressively more drunk through the night and then would forget What had actually happened? Character your friend as a human My friendly human right so I had to keep going and reminding the detective of what actually happened. Sure. Who even am I? Yeah.

I think we needed to do open investigations as to how to find more makers. Okay. So was it a success? It was. Yeah. Everyone when they walked in got a... It's like a huge hit. Did we...

Yeah. And again, I'm happy for you. Good, good, good good whatever did we help lay did we give the pass for the alley-oop on this successfully 100% yeah was our stink all over this it was did we really the only thing we didn't use was the death by plunger did you what on it nothing I didn't say anything I haven't said anything for 15 minutes. Okay.

Well, that's great, Claire. That sounds like a win. It sounds like Kevin, we should probably ring the bell. Absolutely. Yes, ring the bell. So the bell's going to get rung. Well, great. Congratulations.

I guess if all of us get together for another pitch session, it seems like you have to be intoxicated for it to really... Yeah, I think so. Cook with gas. We can make it happen. Well fantastic work. Proud of you. Sorry your detective kept getting so drunk but yeah a win for us is a win for you or some version of that I don't know how to men diagram it. Everyone wins. We're happy for us is what I'm trying to say. Love it. We are. Thank you, Claire. Thank you so much. Thank you.

Appreciate the call. Appreciate you putting faith in us and the bell got rung. Of course. All right. Say hi to Jake. I will not. Thanks, Claire. Thanks, Claire. Okay. Bye. Thanks, guys. We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. The show is produced and edited by Kevin Bartelt and the associate producer and editor is AJ

McKeon. Our social media director is Kaitlyn Tanwakeyo and our video editor is John De Bruyne. The theme song is made by Oliver Raleigh and you can check out his music at OliverRaleigh.com. That's Oliver R-A-L-L-I.com. The album artwork is by James Fostike. You can find him on Instagram at James underscore Fostike, D-I-K-E. And if you'd like to see me to stand up on the road, go to Gareth Reynolds.com.

Additional artwork by Patty Holland. You can find them on Instagram at P-A-D-D-Y Holland 2004. And if you'd like early access to episodes, subscribe to our Patreon at patreon.com slash year to help. And if you'd like early access to episodes, subscribe to our Patreon at patreon.com slash your to help pod. And if you'd like to be on the show, email us your question at helpfulpod at gmail.com. All of the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.