We're Here to Help - 134: So It's The Cheese vs Mikey Spandex? (with Oliver Ralli and Vic Michaelis)

Episode Date: November 25, 2024

Jake and special guest Oliver Ralli talk to a pro wrestler looking to beef up his character arc. Later, Gareth and special guest Vic Michaelis help a caller whose boyfriend keeps sending her gnomes. Later, the guys follow up with the second caller from episode 115 "I'm the Biggest Daddy."Want to call in? Email your question to [e-mail]: heretohelppod.comINSTAGRAM: @HereToHelpPodTIKTOK: @HereToHelpPodIf you’re enjoying the show, make sure to rate We’re Here to Help 5-Stars on Apple Podcasts.Advertise on We’re Here to Help via Gumball.fm See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

With the $5 meal deal at McDonald's, you pick a McDouble or a McChicken, then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Price and participation may vary for a limited time only. Two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two, two guest? What one of our, as you call them, guest helper. Everyone does. Has come out of this show. But what is it that's not everyone? That's... Okay.

And nailed the premise in your life. Oh, you know. Not your favorite. Not some of you are like, oh, they were the funniest. We're not doing a competition. But they came out and you said like, this motherfucker gets what he wants. There's some bangers. I mean, you know, Cat Wright, I love Kat Wright.

I was. Yeah. Kat Wrightman fit in so fast. But we were a little early on the show. You're totally right. But she got it so fast because she also took over and disagreed. Yes. And was like, no, this is what we're doing now. I think we needed that. We needed like a mother to be like, stop talking. So we were a little early. We do have a mother to be like, stop talking. So I mean, we were a little early.

We do have a mother who says that my mom. Yeah. Why does it to me all the time? Yeah. Stop. I stopped listening. It's too loud. You guys need to shut the fuck up. Well, it's a podcast. But my mother stopped listening to it. But that was bound to happen.

I also thought Lisa Gilroy was so good. But if you're talking, I think there was a beautiful thing that happened when Justin Long was a guest, which is that- Oh, he was great. It was the intersection of the problems being great, him being very comfortable, and we really, you, I think, put him in the position to really act these parts. And he was so good. He did the one with the woman in the pool, right?

The pool woman. Yeah. That, by the way, I forgot to, I think that might have been one of my favorite calls. It was also a great call and a great problem. So as a life problem, that's one I've thought about. Yes. A woman at the community pool, a woman, somebody asked her to hold her as she practices swimming and she said yes.

Yes. And now she doesn't know what to do because summer was coming around. You were like, this show is like if Seinfeld was a therapist. It's just like these tiny apartment problems we deal with. And that one was very, so that I think again, I wouldn't even say it was, he was great. Because we've had so many great guests, I would say it was just a very good moment and he just nailed it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Rachel and Olivia for me where they called the actual dentist office too. Oh, they were great. That was insane. That was a great one. So many fucking good ones, man. It's been great. Yeah. Yes, it really has.

Truly. And you guys have all experienced it with us. I know we've got a loyal base. We see the numbers. We know you're here every week. And that means a lot. We love you. So thank you. Thank you means a lot. So thank you Thank you without

further further Hey Hey, how you doing? Welcome to the show Hi, how's it going? Good. Can we get your name, please? My name is Mike, but you guys can call me spandex Where you calling from I'm calling from Sanford, Florida just north of Orlando Florida and about how old are you spandex? I am 32 so And about how old are you, Spandex? I am 32. 32, so Gareth.

We're getting a lot of Florida questions today. Yeah, it's interesting. Gareth is in Alaska tonight, so he cannot join us, but he sends his love, and we will give a couple of Gareth's pitches in his honor. But you've got the man who wrote the theme song for our show. We're here to help Mr. Oliver Raleigh

and you got the shark as well, Spandex. What's up Spandex? What's going on? So Spandex 32, Florida. Take it away my man, the floor is yours. So I am an independent professional wrestler known as my Spandex. And you can call me spandex.

Um, and wait, quick thing, quick before you start spandex before you start, did you watch the, uh, uh, Vince McMahon doc on Netflix? I'm actually not a big documentary guy. And I actually used to work for WWE until like, not that I necessarily know background stuff or anything like that, but it's just like you hear from others you're like, and stuff. Yeah. And I got to tell you that wrestling world that you're in is wild. It is wild.

Imagine that plus Florida. Incredible. So before we get into your thing, Spandex, how long have you been wrestling? So I've been wrestling since 2017, about seven years now. And how'd you get into it? So I've just, I've been a huge fan of it since I was like four years old. And it was one of those like pipe training type things. So for me, it was like, I never thought it would happen. So I did the typical route, graduated high school,

graduated college, got a job, do all that stuff. And I one day Googled a wrestling school and saw there was one like 30 minutes from my house and had a good heart to heart with a buddy of mine and he said, fuck it. And here we are. Good for you. So you're doing a lot of the indie circuits. You're just wrestling around creating your character. Are you a good guy or a bad guy?

I'm typically a good guy. I like that. And how hardcore do you get in these? Um, I don't do the crazy deathmatch type shit you see out there that grosses me out. Um, I did just have a street fight about two months ago and I have a ladder match coming up next month. Explain what a street fight is besides, is it a street fight? So it's basically like, um, there's no rules. So there's no disqualifications, no count outs. Weapons are allowed. You still have to win like pinball or submission in the brain, but as far as everything else that anything goes

Yeah, this and spandex. This is something that you want to do for the next ten years. This is the life's calling It was In the sentence, it's a passionate hobby is how I like to describe it respect. So now I appreciate that I'm passionate about this. I just needed some backstory. Now, I'm glad Jake asked to clarify street fight because I have like four friends that I went to high school with that would have a different definition of street fight.

And I like yours a lot more. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, a street fight, somebody pulls your shirt over your head and beats you up for like 30 seconds. And then you and your friends talk about it for 10 years. Oh my God. Says the Bears will never win another Super Bowl

and then a street fight happens. I'm gonna show the guys the Instagram you sent because the pics of you are so cool. Ooh, wow. Check out our YouTube. You look like a fucking spider in the air, man. Yeah dude, you're a beast. Thank you.

Very cool. Yo. All right, wait, you're a beast. Thank you. Very cool. Yo. All right, wait, I'm curious, like, what's the idea behind the name and the character Spandex? Like, I know, like, Ultimate Warrior, like, I get like Hulk Hogan. Junkyard Dog, I get. Yeah, like, Hacksaw Jim Duggan, like, what is Spandex? Like, what's your thing other than you're wearing spandex?

I get this all the time. So spandex actually came from prior to wrestling. I was doing CrossFit competition locally a lot. And in one of the competitions, they have like a leggings contest. And I was like the only dude that was like, fuck it, let's have fun. And I did it and like, I put on these crazy leggings with like a unicorn and a robot dinosaur on it was one

of my favorite pairs of leggings I ever had. But I ended up winning the contest. And so everybody was like, are you going to keep doing this? So I just started wearing leggings to work out. And it's like a buddy of mine was talking about branding and all of this and he's like, should turn this into a thing. And that's how Mikey spandex was created. And so you just like you just like spandex. This isn't like a big wrestling character, Mike. Mike Mikey spandex, he said. Yes. So my the name is Mikey spandex, but my moniker, because I have like a moniker on top of it.

I'm known as the Grand Marshal of the Spandex Parade. And over time, I've kind of evolved it. So now I'm just known as the Grand Marshal and I come from the Spandex Parade. Great. So this reminds me, Oliver and I used to have a two-man show called the Midwesterners. And we did a sketch called Kid Invisible. Oh yeah, Transparency Man. Transparency Man.

And we just wore clear masks above our faces. And we pretended to be. With a rubber band. With a rubber band. With a rubber band, yeah. And we're pretending to be superheroes, but we hadn't figured out our luck. Mikey, that's kind of triggering. So that's awesome.

All right. So now thank you for the very clear setup. We're in, we're invested. The floor is yours. What is your question today? Okay. So as an independent, I can work for multiple companies and different wrestling organizations that I want to. Yeah. There is one in particular that is very much about over the top characters. So like on this show, there is a guy who is, he's known as the technical alchemist and his character is like a mad scientist.

Um, and then there's one that his name is Dean Taylor, but he's like a, he's the director, but he's also a zombie. So he's like a zombie director and he's incredible as well. And then another guy, one more is, uh, the cheese. He just is literal cheap. He just throws crap singles out. He's all about these. These are the worst characters ever.

The cheese. Parmesan on the floor. Yeah, this is Parmesan on the floor. The character. Wrestling style. I don't know. I got to be I got to be honest. I can't. Yeah, like the absurdity. Oliver's insane.

It's like there's some dude that's like the cheese. It just throws out crap singles. Like that is not, yeah, that's not Stone Cold Steve Austin. No. You know what I'm saying? It's not The Undertaker. No, man. And his entire thing is puns.

So you like, you know the move, the DDT. Yeah, yeah, it's one of the best moves ever. He called his the DDT's. Oh, man. Okay, so you guys in this independent league have kind of weird characters. Right?

Now you're still kicking ass. Now you're still kicking ass. We saw the photos. You're flying around. You guys have great bodies. You're kicking ass. But it's the cheese versus Mr. Spandex, right? That's not the Undertaker versus Hulk or Andre the Giant. There's guys similar to.

Okay. And so that's just part of the setup, right? Those are some of the characters. So keep going. Right. So they want me to be more of a character as well. So they want me to be like in that kind of group. Because I'm mostly just like, I'm a name, I'm pretty athletic. I just act like I'm an athlete. And I'm over the top a little bit. But they want me to create a character. Correct. And what do you think about one idea already, but I don't know where to go further with it. All right, let's hear it So the purpose is because I'm a giant nerd I've always made references like all my gear that I have made is References to like anime and superheroes and stuff like that

So I want to turn myself into the basically that organization's superhero It's getting really heady though, no? Yeah. Spandex man. I like the low IQ pitch cause I'm with that Kevin. Cause if you're saying the group that you want, they want to join, you're a superhero in their universe, right? Correct.

So yeah, in a sense, but they, so I'm already a part of it, but they want my character to shift or like to, I guess more so to amp it up more, like the hero side, because they know I'm very much into like superheroes and stuff like that. So they want me to like ramp that up more. Okay.

All right, that's cool. I dig this. So like, what's, what's, what is your super power? Like what, what is, what is your, your superhero gift? What can you do? So a lot of people say it already because of like my size. I'm not that big of a guy, but I am ridiculously strong. So super strength has been like my main thing going for me. And then another really funny thing that all the wrestlers and fans talk about is I have really big size.

OK, so you got big, strong thighs. You want to be a superhero, but we're looking for a bigger character in this universe, but it's got to be something about spandex, no. I do want to keep the name, yes, because I own the trademark on my name. Mikey spandex. Yeah. So all the copies are on it. You sure you don't want to be a bad guy and make it seem like spandex has taken over the

universe and if you're not in spandex, you're ugly and you look around and you grab the you grab the mic and you look around and you go like all of you and you're dead and you're not in spandex, you're ugly. And you look around and you grab the mic and you look around and you go like, all of you and you're dead and you're so ugly. Look at me in my spandex. I'm so sexy. And then you go, oh, you women with your little thighs. I got the best thighs. Look at you little boys with your little thighs.

And then you go, you don't have the body for spandex, like Mikey spandex does. Then you flex your butt cheeks. Like, I think you need to. You should be a heel. Yeah, I'm so on board with this, man. for spandex like Mikey spandex does then you flex your butt cheeks like So on board with this man you need to be the biggest fucking heel this is perfect You need to go up there and talk you got a turn. Yeah I think you got a turn because it's all spandex and guess what Mikey spandex None of these guys got a body like you got a body. And if they did, they would wear spandex, but they got their little jelly rolls

and they're hiding it with their extra large shorts, but not Mikey's spandex, because you lick your fingers, show everything. Lick your fingers? You know, where you go like this, because I show everything, baby. I'm Mikey Spandex. Because you know what, Mikey Spandex?

You got nothing to hide. Yes. Because guess what? If you got Spandex on, you got nothing to hide. That's good, man. I like that last part. Right? What do you think of this?

But you don't like the heel. So how can we go superhero with Spandex? Why? Why not? Right. What do you think of this? But you don't like the heel. So what? How can we go superhero? Why? Why? Why not? Because there's too many already in the league. It's so funny.

All right. Then how about this? Then how about this? A league full of heels. That part of being in spandex is because you got nothing to hide and you see through people's BS man. You see through their lies. Okay.

I mean, it's a, it's a leap. I mean, you know, I, you know, if you're going to be a superhero, but why not have it be some sort of like Captain America thing? Like you were like, you, you were like abducted as like a child in the eighties. You're like 32 or 30 or something like that. You were abducted as a child in the 80s and like put into a lab and given like major super strength. You know what I'm saying? Like that could be your that could be your thing, you know, and then

somehow we got to figure out for you to show off your strength. Okay, so we I already have moves for that part, which actually that could work. Okay, walk us through what you're thinking Mikey. So I like to see through your BS part as well because of the fact that like a lot of the people I face it's people I'm familiar with and it's more so like I can work with their characters more than I see through it and it's just vague enough that I can make that work.

I like the idea of coming up with the fact that I have super strength. It would hard to do the backstory portion, just because we don't talk about it too much like an anybody. But what is super strength have anything to do with spandex? Oh, that's just my name. Yeah, but you're Mikey spandex. Like the junkyard dog. I don't want him to be like, I have nothing to do with junkyards. It's just my name because I have the copyright.

It's like, I don't want to hear the ultimate warrior go like, I wouldn't consider myself the ultimate warrior. I'm just a wrestler, but I'm the king of the universe. You couldn't know that the name is, that's the big part of the thing. And Mikey Spandex, you know, it's gotta be like your elastic man. You know what it could be? Your bones are made of,

I don't even know what Spandex is besides just tight clothes. Like what's the upside of Spandex? You know, like- Your bones are made of Spandex. Yeah. But you know, like, we need something like your elastic man. You could like- Yeah, Mr. Fantastic.

Mr. Fantastic, but like Mikey spandex You know, do you see where do you see where I'm banging my head against the wall Mikey or no I see where you're going with it and I feel like I need to work on my flexibility But so where are you kind of thinking when you think of this character, right? Because what you were saying which I liked was you want to be like the superhero in their world, but we've got to connect it to the spandex. Don't you think? In a sense, we could, or you just go grand marshal.

The grand marshal part will probably stay too. Okay. Yeah. What, what, what is a grand marshal? Is that like the head of a parade? Like what, what is a grand marshal? Is that like the head of a parade? Like what? What's a grand marshal? The head of the parade. Yeah. Okay. So what do you do, Mikey, that's better than other guys in the ring besides having those big old thighs?

Speed. Um, I can move a lot faster than a lot of people. Um, and then one of the big things a lot of, we talk about a lot is my engine. Like I can go for like 20 plus minutes even more. My longest max was like an hour. Okay, so maybe part of your thing is you come out with a ass load of energy running around the room and you're the grand marshal of speed. I don't know, man. I like this engine idea. What is your engine? Is that those are

those cardio? His cardio goes on forever. Yeah, like my stamina. All right, maybe the will if it's your engine, that sounds kind of mechanical. Maybe your part cyborg, you know, maybe that's like sort of part of your school. That's cool. Yeah, I also really want to tap into these thighs though, don't you Spandex? Yeah. I always do. How about thunder thighs from the skies above?

And like you're a Greek god. Yeah. And like lightning from Zeus put these thunder in your thighs and it makes you superhuman. You're faster than a regular man. You're the fastest man there ever was. You have more stamina than any man. But what you can do is, and then on each leg of your spandex, you get lightning bolts. Your signature move is you get someone's head in between your legs and you just pop their

head off. Squeeze the phone. You just squeeze their head while you're flexing your biceps to the audience. And as you're doing it, oh, here's what you do. While you're squeezing their head, you're pretending to be getting electrocuted. When your legs come together, it has the electrical currency of lightning bolts because the lights in the place can go on and off. Like you're fucking with the electricity.

And when you're, when you're about to get them, you can almost have like the light shut off for a second. And then everybody's exhausted, but you. Yeah. You're Thor from the waist down. Yes. What do you think of this idea? Yes. But none of them are made in the appropriate way. What do you think of this idea?

And part of the spandex then is you're just the grand marshal. The grand marshal is the guy who leads the parade. And that is the parade of the new force of like godlike characters of this league. And you're the first one and that is thunder thighs. The next one could be another one that's like a Greek God. That's not bad at all. Now we're talking. I can play with that. Right. There's something there. And then your look, imagine the lightning bolts. Imagine you running around when you got something in between the legs. You're shaking. Yeah. I have a new gear concept I'm working on in that.

That just gave me an idea because I've been fighting around with the color forever And you just gave me a really good idea for it. What's the idea? Just that lightning baby blue I didn't think of a color at all until now So what do you think about being? lightning bolt thunder thighs the grand Marshall of the skies.

I like that a lot. Grand Marshall of the sky. Okay. So that's your new name and you are, you are from the heavens above. And what do you think about your signature move being squeeze those thighs? So I already have a signature move that I use my legs for. So I, so I don't know how to describe it besides it's like, it's a

jumping leg drop, but it's while the person's standing, so I'm able to jump up to them and I like I straight vertically jump up to them. What's cool, sounds cool. If you look it up, it's called, it's typically called the Rough Rider. I call it the Spandex Ball. I like the idea of your Spandex being your superpower too.

That's kind of very fun to me as you're putting it on and you kind of become the Superman, the Thor as well. I feel like there's a lot of cool moving parts too. You have a lot of things. And I think that's the idea too, is that that's where the power comes from. Yeah, exactly. I agree. I like that a lot. So Spanx, you called in with a great question. I think we gave you some good pitches. So the question to you is what are you going to do? I think I'm going to, I might go with the, uh, the grand marshal of the skies.

I like, I like that. I hate it. Great. Okay. The lightning on the legs is a good design idea to work with that too. Great. My new gear. And I can, I can definitely up that like crazy once I get that done.

I think we're golden. Hey real quick can we just hear you like talk some shit as like a wrestler like like like like talk to one of your opponents I want to hear what the grand marshal disguise sounds like. Um so if you want me talking shit it's gonna sound sound more heelish, but that's fine. That's cool. Whatever. You're a badass. Is it okay if I talk shit to Garrett? Sure. Yeah, he's not here. Oh, so here. So this is this is just hilarious. So I end up here on we're here to help. I was expecting Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds and here I am,

no Gareth. Like what's the problem here? Are we just incompetent? We can't connect people? I thought we had internet. We have internet for a reason now. So why can't we just reach out to the guy and bring him in? Or is he too good? He thinks Florida is just nothing. It's a shit show. I have Too good. He thinks Florida is just nothing. It's a shit show I have yet I have yet to see a single show with Gareth Reynolds in Florida. I have been wondering I've been on Gareth Reynolds dot-com dot-com regularly Feel nothing and now he's ducking me now. He's ducking me So now I'm gonna have to go to the West Coast myself and find Gareth Reynolds. I Gotta say it's very good. You're not a heel

I'm not you're a good guy Mikey's bandages we appreciate the call man. You're old dude. Thanks for calling in. Thank you, buddy All right, and we are brought to you by Vaya. Listen, Vaya, we love Vaya here. It's a way to restore your zen, embrace the natural power of hemp. And you can do it this, there's no better time than the holiday season to enjoy hemp. So yeah, you can recharge with Vaya whether, you know, I mean, you know what it's like when you eat a little hemp, you're sitting at home, this is THC or THC-free gummies.

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Gift luxury this holiday season without the luxury price tag. Go to quince.com slash here to help for 365 day returns plus free shipping on your order. That's Q U-C-E dot com slash here to help to get free shipping and 365 day returns quince dot com slash here to help And we are brought to you by the litter robot Kevin I Jay, I've told Jake to how much I love the litter robot, it is one of those things that I now have and I genuinely am like, why didn't I do this sooner? Having a cat is an awesome experience. Having a cat's litter box is not an awesome experience.

It's strange. It's smelly. I one time moved out of my apartment and the landlord was like, oh yeah, we're just charging you a fee in your security deposit to get the cat smell out. And I was like, cat smell? Yeah, you don't even know what you're walking around smelling like cat litter. But people literally have walked into my place and been like, where do you hide the litter box? And I'm like, it's right here in the living room. We put on a show, Jose and I, we're showmen. He's in there doing it in front of everyone.

The litter robot even has these two little lights that shoot down so when he walks in, it's like entering a star gate. But what the litter robot really does is it makes it so you do not need to stress over cleaning your cat's litter box anymore. And that is a big annoying thing to have to do that every day.

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$75 off litter robot bundles and as a special offer to listeners You can get an additional $50 off when you go to stop scooping comm slash here to help That's an additional $50 off when you go to stop scooping comm slash here to help stop scooping Stop scooping.com slash. Hi. Hi there. Welcome to We're Here to Help, America's No More Podcast. Don't look it up. Can we get your name and where you're calling from, please?

Yeah. Hi, everyone. My name is Sarah and I'm calling from Maryland. Sarah, with an H, are we not doing the H? Where we at? With an H. Without an H is wrong. Huge, classic. I have found there's a lot of beef in the Sarah world over the H and not the H.

The H's think they're better and the no H's think they're better. Is this a big area of research for you? I anecdotally am out there doing the people's minutiae work, often, yes. You'll notice, Sarah, with an H, good lord, that Jake is not here. In Jake's stead, we have the great Vic McAlice joining us, who, I'll tell you, is providing a lot of help today.

McAlice, but McAlice is cool, too. Reenactment. Hey, thank you, Kevin. I appreciate that. It's a quality. It's a quantity over quality with me, I think. Well, I'm going to throw a lot of things out there. And what I like about your reenactments is that you go hard. You choose the character is flushed out is defined point of view for sure.

Well, also, here's the thing is like, I don't want you to. I would rather give you the the the most intense possible situation because then you get there and you're like, Oh, my God, was not that bad. It's like, you know what I mean? I like. Yes. OK, Sarah, what the hell is going on? What the hell is happening? For the love of god, what the hell is happening tell us Okay, well, uh, so i've been dating my boyfriend for two years and this has Thank you. Um Uh this past february he sent a picture of seasonal valentine's day gnomes to our mutual friend group chat. I sent the pictures

to Kevin and that one was captioned, don't tell Sarah but I'm getting her a gnome for Valentine's Day. Notably, I don't like want gnomes. This isn't the thing we've talked about. It was just a bit that he sent in the chat. Thing is, he's been sending pictures of gnomes in this chat and directly to me since February, almost every single week. And so there's like been St. Patrick's Day gnomes, there's been 4th of July gnomes, literally all the gnomes you can think of. And the joke was, he was like, once I have disposable income, I'm going to start buying you gnomes. Good thing is we're both in school, so that hasn't happened yet. Until recently, he learned how to make like sock gnomes.

So he made me two Halloween themed gnomes. Can we see those. And yep, there's a picture. Oh, those are the ones he made. Oh yeah. They're good. They are good. They got the problem because they were, they're very sweet.

Right. So I can't reject them. I think it's like a wooden ball. It looks like a knob. Yeah. Like a cabinet knob. Yeah. A handle, if you will. A handle, if you will. Okay. So now he can make them. Yeah. So this is a problem. Now I'm afraid that now that he has this knowledge and this skill set, that he'll just start

making gnomes and giving me gnomes, which again, I don't want. I never said I wanted them. This is just a bit that he has created. So my question for you is how do I stop the gnomes? Cool. Can I tell you my honest read on this situation? Yes. Cause you know how like when I feel like classically when moms are like, oh, that's

a cute dolphin. And then everybody gets the mom dolphin stuff for the rest of her life until she dies. And then they bury her in a dolphin casket. As is the one. I am wondering if your boyfriend is trying to trick you into having a thing that way it is like, oh, well, like Sarah Moe's and then it's just like a thing that he can run to CVS for your birthday and anniversary every single year and just like now it's your thing. That's my fear in this

situation is that it's a bit that's turned into a purpose. Yeah. Well, you know, he's doing what I do when it's he's needling. It's fun. There's fun. He's having fun and you not liking his fun makes it more fun. But here's the thing. Anytime I like point out if I like point out a gnome, like if I see one with him, I'm like, oh, look, there's a gnome.

He's like, see, I told you, you like them. Yeah. Well, what are you doing pointing out gnomes? Okay, so you are actively pointing out gnomes. You should not be pointing out gnomes. I mean, not to... I mean, you should not be bringing in more gnome chat. Exactly.

Exactly. I've learned not to do that. No, that's not what you do. To me, there's two paths. There is one where you just have to fully ignore it or you have to fight back and you have to retaliate with your own gnome. So you've got to like bring love that trolls to a gnome fight, or you've got to find some like hubbles,

or you've got to find like maybe dreamcatchers. Like you start overwhelming him and flooding his personal market with something that he would also find as a mild irritant, which is really what this is. I think any of those things though would maybe be kind of charming based on this bit. So I think we might need something that would be I'm thinking those signs that are like it's wine o'clock somewhere. Or like, yeah, my poodle didn't I didn't rescue my poodle. My poodle rescued me like those type of signs like Like I think something that's gonna be like kind of large and like obnoxious that's off brand.

That's gonna be like two cumbersome. But we've also gotta keep budget in mind. But I think you can do that. But those you can get cheap. Yes, or you can make them. I mean, there's a fucking piece of wood and you write them, you know? Like, you know, like gnome is where the heart is. You could even make them gnome,

but I like that. I like the annoying kind of home goods-y, Airbnb, sort of neutral, saying something without saying anything signs is pretty good. Do you know those at home goods, those like the jars and cups? I can't remember the name of them, where they, it's like, it'll be a mug and just mug will be written on it and like kind of like scraggly handwriting is the only way I can describe it to you. No, like the Ray Dunn. Ray Dunn.

The Ray Dunn sign, yeah. You know, mugs, I'll tell you, in the world of comedy, mugs and hoodies become my gnome. Every, and it's very nice and I do keep it all but mug wise I've had to be like we're done I'm not I can't I get so many fucking mugs flooding him in the mug market could be you could be personalizing mugs at home I bet and just buying a bunch of blank mugs and every time he gives you a gnome give him a mug Just could be a way to retaliate that way you don't have to be looking for driftwood

But you could still kind of do these vacuous statements of nothingness on the mug I Don't know so I to me fighting back is the way to do it in a similar with a similar caliber What do you think of that pitch Sarah does that do anything for you? I'm definitely here for the retaliation I like the idea of the mug, but what should I put on them? Like I feel like I need something that's like Like you said really gonna needle him back on the same level as the note you've been with him for two years Well, there's something there's something to me and maybe and I think this is to Vicks pitch

maybe it is like I do like the idea of you having to come up with the most like simple minded shit like you know that to me is funny but what you could also do is you could just write embarrassing things he said or done throughout your relationship on the mug just as a reminder I would hate that like that would be annoying to highlight things that he's said or done that have embarrassed him or embarrassed you. Or you could also start grabbing pictures of him while he's sleeping.

Like I have people sometimes who take pictures. Like when I used to go on tour or when I go on tour with the dollop and we used to fly, I used to pass out on the plane and my buddy would always, I'd wake up when we'd land and I'd be like, Jesus Christ, 81 comments, what the fuck? And it would be like a video of me with my mouth open and like my head, like just an awful look. So you could start taking pictures of him while he's sleeping and just overload gross sleep face

and start printing those on the mug. Yeah, you could do that at Walgreens pretty cheaply if budget is a concern. Stuff like that, that'll just kind of needle him a little more directly than the gnomes. Okay. And then it's something where like, it's something that won't be embarrassing right off the gate. But then as soon as you have friends over and they're like, hey, can I have some like milk or whatever you're offering it like then you're handing it to them in these mugs and eventually it's going to be like, OK, maybe enough for the mugs.

That opens up an interesting twist to which is that these mugs could be going public. You could every time he gifts you a gnome, you gift someone in your friend world one of his sleep mugs or like like I'm sure there's something that you're like, that annoys you directly about him with what he does. Like he pisses around the, like you could take a picture of his piss around the rim of your toilet seat and like, all right, I'm gonna give that to Charles and just let,

or like, oh yeah, you clogged the drain because shaving you know or let me show people how you load the dishwasher like your little gripes you can have you can take them mug public and be like hey here's what my husband does you know so every time he gives you a gnome you're going mug public I like this it's kind of, I feel like I can ramp it up. Like sort of start. I like starting with the saying, um, cause that'll be easier than like, A quote of his that is stupid. Yeah, exactly.

We have too many remotes. Yeah. Huge fun. Um, yeah. I'll definitely do the stupid things to start. And then I mean, I assume he'll escalate back. So then I can escalate to photos or something a little more incriminating. Sleep phase followed by incriminating things, I think, is a great direction for you.

Okay. I really do like this. This is a good direction. I think that this is wonderful. And again, Gareth, you give perfect advice. I am a fan of yourself professionally and personally. That is not true. No, you're- You are wonderful and everything that you said is perfect.

You're greasing me up for something tough here and I- I would trust you with my life. No, now it's going to be bad. Go. Here's my other pitch. Okay, I love it. Because again, mugs, we're also committing to a little bit of money that we're investing in this. Yes.

If gnomes become a thing, what I can, what I can do is I can make a little bit of money and I can make a little bit of money. I can make a little bit of money. I can make a little bit of money. I can make a little bit of money. I can make a little bit of money. I can make a little bit of money. I can make a little bit of money. I can make a little bit of money. I can make a little bit of money. to some, a little bit of money that we're investing in this. Yes. If gnomes become a thing, what I can, what my other recommendation would be is like,

we can start murdering these gnomes in public settings. You know what I mean? What if we start be heading gnomes and sending those photos back? What if that ramps up? What if we're drowning gnomes? What if we got a gnome with a knife to his head? In a campfire. Yeah, a gnome on fire. So we're sending these photos back with how we've murdered- You could put a little bit of rope and a rock on a gnome and video yourself throwing it into the ocean or into a lake or something.

Sarah seems to really like this pitchfork. Oh yeah. A little bit of peanut butter on the gnome's lips and an EpiPen just out of reach. Or just the dog. I think it's endless. Then a dog comes and ravages the gnome. I love that.

I think you can get so creative with it. I think retaliating with the gnome murder is good. I think what it does is it keeps the gamesmanship specifically on the gnomes alive, and you can just start killing his gnomes in great ways. I like that a lot too. I mean, I think either way you've got a couple different ways to modulate your retaliation. So there's a couple options Sarah. How do you feel about those and and what do you think you're gonna do? I think I'm gonna start killing gnomes. Great.

I think that's a great pitch. I think it's great. I'm really excited for this to be honest. You can also start sharing that in the group with the other people and have other people pitch ways to kill the gnomes in the group. How do you want to see this piece of shit go? A poll. Yeah. Electroc group. Yeah. Yeah, right. Polls are great. Yeah. I mean, there's a lot of ways you can slice this gnome. Is your partner Icelandic? No, you're fine then.

Then that I think it's fine, because that's it. Is it in Iceland? Is that like gnomes are like real? And that's so I'm like, that's maybe the only hiccup we're running into, but I think you're- They also, they eat puffins. So we're not, listen, that demo is- Do they? Yeah, I went there once and boy oh boy, I'll tell ya,

they serve puffin stew at gas stations. It's a wild land, let me tell ya. I thought puffins were extinct. Well, they're working on it. Over in Iceland, they are firing on all cylinders to get that reality to come true We have this conversation every call about puffins do Kevin's really good at editing out my puffin stuff, but HR I call it

But listen, this is this is not gonna turn into another one of my puffin preaches. They're valuable birds. They shouldn't be stewed Iceland We don't want you listening They're valuable birds. They shouldn't be stewed Iceland. We don't want you listening But Sarah, I think that's great. I think Vic hit a home run here I think you really just got to start murdering the gnomes and you can do it in so many fun ways It's also just a great way to undercut the work. He's putting in these See them drown or go up and smoke So obviously we want to be included in how you kill the first gnome. So keep us posted and we look forward to having a gnome free home soon.

Thank you guys so much. I will definitely send you photo evidence of what happens to the gnome. We need it. Can't wait. Of course. Thank you. Thanks Sarah. Thanks Sarah. Thank you.

Sarah with an H. Sarah with an H. Sarah with an H. Oh, and we are brought to you by Blue Nile. Listen, this time of year, you're looking back on a lot of amazing things and memories from the past year, or maybe you're thinking, hey, what the hell is going to go on in 2025? But if your plans in any way involve getting engaged with someone you love, let me tell you about bluenile.com. Bluenile is the original online jeweler since 1999. That's basically when internetting got invented. So if you go to bluenile.com, you can create a bigger, more brilliant piece than you can

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all right don't wait go now to get 20% off at shopdoer.com slash gil sent me what else is there that was it ah really not getting a lot of lines Hey everyone, it's the shark the original call from this next follow-up aired on September 19th It's called I'm the biggest daddy and it is the second call in the episode So if you'd like to listen as a quick refresher go for it. Enjoy Hi there welcome back We know that you've called the show before, but we don't know what your problem was and how it worked out. So will you give us an update? Maybe tell us your name and what your first call was and then we'll get into it. Yeah, for sure. So my name is Rory. I called in a couple months ago because I was having issues with my husband coming too

fast. Oh, wow. Rory or Erin? So sorry, that's my wife. Okay. And then Rory, what did we tell you to do again? Yeah. So you had a couple of suggestions.

One of the first things, Jake, you told me to just put on some movie called Cocoon and see what that does. That's a bonus. I'll slow you down. Yeah, I looked it up. Weird. You guys told me to start bringing it up. That pitch is amazing.

I don't even remember. It's unfair that I don't remember that. Yeah. So Cocoon and then what was the second? What else did we say? To like bring up chores that I needed him to do during coitus. During coitus. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Okay. That's a solid one. And then also to like make weird like character voices as well.

Yes. Great. I love that our pitches are all ruined sex for him. By the way, the premise is how do we get him to last longer? Yeah. If I'm having sex and I'm seeing those guys jumping in the pool for cocoon and getting, you know, new life. I'm not thinking of finishing. We need a new recycling bin. And no, while she's going, we need a new recycling bin.

I'm going to go like, I need a new recycle bin. You just turned me into fucking sting. I can go for 12 hours. Okay, so what what's happened? Walk us through it. What'd you do? Sadly, we did not play cocoon. I'm sorry. I tried at first to like just kind of bring up the tasks I had originally emailed shark and was like, Oh, we're good to go, but I think it was premature because it worked for like the first week or two and then we kind of had to reassess.

Bringing up chores. Wait, hold on, you're jumping too fast. Just because you're in Shark or email doesn't mean we know. The audience doesn't know. So congratulations on your side hang. Yeah. I hope you guys had a lot of weird texts about your sex life. Yeah, way to do the show via email. Jake and I are in the dark. Yeah. And also, so was way to do the show via email. Jake and I are in the dark. Yeah, and also, so was the shark when he read the email. I was asking for more advice. Slower.

Did it work? Please help, just married. Need to know ASAP. Wife disappointed. Sweet God. So walk us through what happened. So you started talking chores during sex and? So I started, and he was kind of just like, what? I said, oh,

you know, like the, the towel bar, like it needs to be fixed. He's like, why are you bringing, what do you mean? I said, yeah. He's like, are you, is something wrong? I was like, you will know, like, this is fine. Like, let's keep going. But like the towel bar, we just got to make sure we get that done. And he just like, he looked at me and he's like, are you okay? Sure. I'll get that done. Cause he's like, finished what we're doing. And I was like, yeah, yeah, no, yeah, we can finish this.

Just want to get that out there. And then a second later he's like, I'm finished. Ready for the bathroom. Was it the guest or ours? Do you want me to finish and I can do the towel bar. And so he said, do you want me to finish? But it didn't quite go the way you wanted because he was really weirded out. Yeah. He was. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And so he said, do you want me to finish? But it didn't quite go the way you wanted because he was really weirded out. Yeah. He was. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And then, um, so I was like, okay, maybe that's not going to work.

Cause after he was like, like, were you not enjoying it? Like you could just say we could stop if you, I was like, no, that's not what it was. But it kind of just went in a direction of like, I'm thinking you guys didn't want to have sex at the moment. So we got it. We stopped. Oh, you guys stopped midway through. No, no, no. After we finished, he was like, after he talked about that, that was weird. I got you. Okay.

And you did not say you talked to a podcast. No, no, not yet. Okay. Good. I was just like, oh, like, no, wait, this is a scientific experiment now. I appreciate you taking it seriously. Okay, then what happened? Of course, anything for science. Title, title. Yeah, totally. So the next couple of times, I kind of just put it to the side and then it was quick. And then, so after I called in,

so we just kind of, the next couple of times was normal. Just happened fast. I didn't try the things the things to expand it. That was little. Yeah. Turn off. Yeah. Yeah, I get it.

But after I called in, I was like, we should, we should start rewatching new girl, cause I just like, obviously talking to you guys, let's start rewatching. So we've been rewatching and obviously there's a lot of, um, a lot of funny things that are said in the show. Um, so I would got a little junk and the next time I was like, I'm, I'm just going to say some things. So, um, I started, I just started saying, they're bored right now. Oh, surfboard.

I thought you said, I thought you said you said so bored. So bored. I was like, don't say so bored. So so bored okay oh yeah surfboard okay so while having sex you started doing Nick Miller doing Beyonce saying surfboard okay and how did that work out he came right away he said I've never I've never had a hard hair orgasm and then you're calling in to go, I made a big mistake. Oopsie. Oopsie.

We can only have sex watching New Girl now. So he was again like, what the fuck? And I was like, no, we're just going. And then we stopped and I kind of just threw it in a couple seconds later. I was like, sorry, I just have a new girl in my mind, and then we finished, and I was like, I have to, he was like, what is happening? But did it go, did it, did it, just before we get

to the talk you're about to have with him, while saying things like surfboard, surfboard, and him saying things like, what are you doing, technically it did expand the intercourse. Yes, because he did stop. No one's excited about how it happened. The time, if it's the time got longer. Which is all we're trying to do.

Which is right. All 30 seconds is a lifetime to this. We didn't say you're going to have the best sex of your life. We said we could try to make it a little bit longer. Like a monkey paw. Right. That's all we're looking at. This has a happy ending, I promise.

For him, probably. So then, around this time, the episode had came out. Oh, ours, of the podcast, right. Your episode, yeah, of the podcast came out. Okay. So I was like, this isn't working. So then I just, he was making dinner one night, and I just put it on the TV, and we watched it on YouTube. I didn't tell him what we were doing, and I was like, this isn't working. So then I just, he was making dinner one night and I just put it on the TV and we watched it on YouTube.

I didn't tell him what we were doing. And I just like, oh, there's a new episode of we're here to help with listen. And then he hears my voice and immediately goes, what the fuck? I didn't realize. What the fuck? What the fuck?

Immediately realized it was me. What a trippy life moment for him. Especially if you're just like, this is about how fast I come Yeah, you're totally right he's sitting there like flipping a tortilla and he's like the fuck did you do? Just talk to me you call them back and tell me that I don't finish. Hey, yeah welcome to we're here to help How can you help? Hey, my name is Aaron. I'm married to a guy whose body looks like a toddler, and when he fucks, it's gross. Honey! Honey! He starts putting moves on me like arm bars and things like that, and he says,

Dan in the garage let him do that, but that's his weird dummy. Is it normal for a man to smell like weird meatloaf mixed with chili when he sweats? Honey! Stop it! He always has taco seasoning on his fingers. Is that normal? But he never uses tacos. But he's never made tacos. All right. So you play it for him. He's in the kitchen weirded out.

Then what happened? And then he was like, Oh, okay. I'm understanding now why you're being weird. Okay. And so then this is why I was like, yeah, I didn't know what I was like, yeah, like I just, I had to try something, you know, I thought it would be, I thought it would be funny. And so then it just turned into like old-fashioned shame.

And he was like, oh shit, like this made people think I'm bad at sex. And so now before before, like every once in a while before we have sex, that he'd be like, are you going to do weird shit? Like, are you going to do the weird shit they told you to do on the podcast? And I said, from that of you that's long enough. And then he started lasting long enough. Because he didn't want to do weird shit. And he didn't want to be embarrassed publicly. So go so. Go ahead. The bell.

Cause I told him, I was like, I will, I'm going to call back for a followup. I want to give the guys good news, but I will tell them if it didn't work. And so then I think that works. Like the threatening, the threatening of embarrassed of this is a way. So I think it's a way. I think it's a way. So let's be honest now and don't think about him listening to this follow-up. Let's be honest.

Before... So when you guys would have sex before the call, the average time of sex was three to five minutes? Jake, stop. One to two minutes? Like a minute and a half to two. One and a half to two. Okay. Three to five, three to five, three to five deep fives, these buddy.

I don't know what you're doing over there. Five's these we can't go long. Five, five minutes. Five's these is a five. So now with the threats of public embarrassment and him not wanting you to do weird voices or talk about chores. What are we, what are we looking at numbers wise as a man of science? We're like a solid baseline of like seven.

Sevens. Sevens. Sevens above average. Sevens good. Sevens good. If anything too long. So how do you feel about, how do you feel like a baseline of seven? It's been great because like I just, this change, this call changed their life.

So we have like, we actually do more things now, different positions, different places. How many positions can you get into in 40 seconds? Yeah. We do this one called the towel rack where he begs me and I screw the towels in. That's how the towel rack broke. So now you guys are moving around and trying some stuff and he's liking it. Well there's time. If you're doing it in the kitchen. Yeah, there's time. It's just starting.

You can do the flips. It's helpful. Right. You guys have really opened up our sex life. And I mean, that is. And by the way, we should point out, we're really glad that you're on the call, Rory, because when we ring the bell, when we have a winner, that's the first time we've actually doesn't make a sound. Yeah, it's probably too loud for the mic. You hear it over here?

No, it's ringing. Just imagine a bell ringing. It'll it'll be in the episode our bell doesn't ring it rings It's just the mic. It's the mic issue The zoom is cutting it out, but And we should thank the caddy Shaq who made us this bell. Pretty cool. Cat rescue. So this is good news. We appreciate the call.

Thank you. We hope you guys continue to have sex for seven plus minutes and it all seems very positive. Do you want me to tell my mother just walked by? Should I tell my mother the update real quick? Absolutely. I think she knows. No, let's get to the news. Hey, Mom, Rory's husband is having sex longer because of our podcast. Ooh. Okay.

Ooh. Okay. We appreciate the call. Thank you. Thanks, Rory. Bye. Biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz,

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And Gareth Reynolds. The show is produced and edited by Kevin Bartelt and the associate producer and editor is A.J. McKeon. Our social media director is Caitlin Tanwakeo and our video editor is John De Bruyne. The theme song is made by Oliver Raleigh and you can check out his music at oliverraleigh.com. That's oliverrallly.com. The album artwork is by James Fostike. You can find him on Instagram at james underscore fostike. D-I-K-E. And if you'd like to see me do stand up on the road, go to garethrentz.com. Additional artwork by Patty Holland. You can find him on Instagram at P-A-D-D-Y Holland 2004. And if you'd like early access to episodes, subscribe to our Patreon at patreon.com slash

here to help pod. And if you'd like to be on the show, email us your question at helpfulpod at gmail.com. All of the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.