We're Here to Help - 144: My Strange Q-Tip Addiction & The I Hate Brittany Club

Episode Date: January 27, 2025

The guys help a caller who wants to fit in with her best friend’s family. Later, a caller asks for help moderating her boyfriend’s Q-tip obsession.Want to call in? Email your question to [e-mail]: heretohelppod.comINSTAGRAM: @HereToHelpPodIf you’re enjoying the show, make sure to rate We’re Here to Help 5-Stars on Apple Podcasts.Advertise on We’re Here to Help via Gumball.fm See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This episode is sponsored by 1-800-Flowers. Guys, Valentine's Day is coming up and for me, there's only one place I trust. That's 1-800-Flowers.com. Every year I order high quality bouquets from 1-800-Flowers that my lady absolutely loves. This year I'm partnering with 1-800-Flowers to make sure you're a Valentine's hero as well with an exclusive offer to our listeners. Double the roses for free. When you buy one dozen, they'll double your bouquet to two dozen roses. It's the perfect way to say I love you without breaking the bank. Trust me, 1-800-FLOWERS always delivers.

The flowers are beautiful and the value is great. So, to claim your double your roses offer go to 1-800-FLOWERS.COM slash here to help. That's 1-800-flowers.com slash here to help. Don't wait. This episode is brought to you by Hungry Root. When it comes to grocery shopping and meal planning, I don't feel like I have the time to always do it the way I want it to be done. I want the food to be healthier and I want it easier to cook. So what I like about Hungry Root is that it's the easiest way for me to eat healthy.

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Episode 2. Season 2. Is it season? I mean, it really was just a small break in the grand scheme. I like breaking it up into the idea of seasons so that the show can have its own life. Well, that way we can pursue the love interests on the show. You and I, there's a will they won't they, which I think the audience is really going to enjoy.

What is the will they won't they between you and me? I mean, I think that's a cool... Will they do the same bits or won't they? Yes, you know. You know one of us will. Both of us, sadly. You, you know, we will yes Well, they do will the audience feel like I think this is the same one as episode 60 and you and I will go I think we're trading in new water. It might be we don't know We what was funny when we were going through all the talk about coming back. We were very much

We were sharking it up between us. We were shark tanking, calling each other Robert and Babs, Bobby and Babs. There was a lot of that going on. And I will say, I think we did probably hold to those characters for the most part as we were talking through that. But, but yeah, I mean, here we are, 2025, the show's cooking, things are good. Do you do New Year's resolutions? I feel like you don't. I do. I'm not insanely into them, but I am a list person. What does that mean? You do a New Year list? Yeah, but it's not, I'm always making lists of things I want to do in a year. Okay.

One of the reasons I'm always into like new stuff. Yes. I like getting into new stuff. I like going really hard on it and seeing as far as I can go with it. And then I will create a new list and get into new stuff. Does are any does that? Will there be any additions to the yard? Because I know people have taken interest in your you're setting up a sort of Beetlejuice yard. My know, my great friend Brian Farrell just gave, as a Christmas gift, great, gave me one of the, a great gift and it was this drawing of a rhino. And I'm putting it right under the rhino's head

in the little office and, you know, my buddy Dave and I. You're gonna have, your office is gonna look like you're a poacher It's I gotta tell you it's just the decade of animals What is that even to you that makes sense and then to those of us hearing it? Well, here's what's different What here's what's different Garf you're teasing me, but your skin is the skin of animals What does that even mean? Show me your arms. What is that even? Oh, what?

Because I have tattoos of animals. Animals. Now you're now you're busted. Now you're busting chops. I might have what you're doing here on my wall. I might have in my back. But here's the difference. I can throw it out.

Here's here's what you're going to cut your arm off. Listen, I'm not even listening to you right now, but here's what I'm gonna say. You caught in the spiderweb and you know it. I make you this promise, if I pass away, God forbid. Yeah. I had a great life. I get your arms?

No, you get my head. I want you to put my head. Pass. Pass. Give me your left arm. It's a huge gift. What are you gonna have my arm coming out of a wall like I just fell through it?

Speaking of, I just saw something I don't know is real where they were embalming bodies of loved ones and putting them under glass in people's homes. This is good. I offer this to you. Like a coffee table? I offer this to you. A coffin table. I offer this to you. By the way, wouldn't that be a hell of a bet? This is our... This could be...

This might be the seeds of a lifelong... Yes. Let's let it have a minute to marinate. It's got to actually breathe. And let's come back with coffin table pitches for each other. Because if it could be... Because what a responsibility. You got to deal with the whole, like it's a, the worst thing you could do to somebody and go, and as a world, this

person gets my money, this person gets my house. I want to be in Jake's. Gareth is dealing with my money. We have a picture of it up right now. Oh my god, that is it. That is crazy. It's a so wait, by the way really quickly Rob Will you introduce yourself a little bit? Yeah Hello, I'm Rob That's about it I'll be helping you guys Well, Rob and I we met a couple years ago doing Dax's podcast Yep, and then have just kind of kept in touch throughout You are an animal.

You've done a ton of podcasts. You're such an animal. You should be in Jake's office or a tattoo on your arm. Yeah, exactly right. The problem is, Garrett, is you had me until I realized your arms are all animals. Those are personalized. You're living the poacher life. I have animals that have touched my personal existence.

Go to the zoo. I got a rhino head. You go to the zoo. You go to the zoo. You're going to get a rhino crying on your lower back to think about it. So girls think you're cute. Man, I'm not above that.

I'm not above that at all. Loved Sparky. 2025. Sparky. How are we doing on our calls, buddy? How are we looking? We got our first caller, if you guys are ready. Well, Rob, we're excited to have you.

We're excited to have the call. I'm excited to be embalmed in Jake's little weird office And he can eat pancakes off of me and we're excited. So we're gonna do a session without Okay, hello there hi, how's it going good, how are are you? Welcome to the show. Can we get your name? Your rough age and where you're calling from, please Rough age. My name is Brittany. I'm 30 and I'm from Austin, Texas Oh beautiful. You like Austin Jake? Yeah, I do. It's a great town Really fun. And Brittany, Jake's been asking this and it seems to be, you know, a little hit or miss, but what's your favorite animal? Jungle or domestic? Favorite animal or like one that I'd want to see in the jungle. This is a dealer's choice, Brittany.

Yes. Just tell us your reasoning. Just tell us your reasoning. Follow-up's interesting in general. Agreed. Even just the question. Is it attacking attacking me or or am I attacking it? We got everything we need to eat or pet. Well, if I'm off limits from getting hurt, they can't attack me. I'd want to see one of those 30 foot like giant anacondas. Okay. Very, you know, very interesting. It's like nightmare fuel. And I don't know if I believe that they're actually real.

So like if I knew I'm safe, I'd want to see that in real life. Alright, great. Hell of an answer. Opens up a Pandora's box of painting who you are. We should do Rorschachs on you. Alright, Brittany, well what are you calling for? What's going on? Okay, so a bit of backstory My best friend shimmy just moved back to say shimmy. Yeah, this are you trying me? Are you shy? I said shimmy

So me her real name her full name is Shamira, but she goes by shimmy and she listens to this show But I'm not telling her I'm calling okay But yeah, so she just moved back to Austin from Hawaii where she was living with her family And we were recently in the car together and she got a phone call. She starts dying laughing on the phone So obviously as a nosy best friend when she gets off I'm like, what are you laughing about and she lets me know that there's this ongoing joke in her family that they all hate my guts and call her a traitor For moving to Austin and choosing me instead of staying with them in Hawaii Let me interrupt for a second do they hate you only because she's moving or had they hated you previous

No, they it's like a joke No, they it's like a joke But you find out halfway through a bit that you're like you've been elevated to this villain status Exactly. Yes And so she recently had to go back to Hawaii for a little bit to tie up some loose ends with her job And she told me that all of the teasing continues and so like an example of this would be She's laying on the couch about to fall asleep and her brother-in-law will come and cover her with the blanket and whisper in her ear and be like, now would Brittany do that?

And so it's just like a funny bit that they're all doing and they don't know that I know about it. And so I'm looking for a way when I see them next to either prank them or Get them a gift and like let them know that I'm cool and that I want to join the I hate Brittany club Because I'm not like a sensitive girl. I just want to be a part of it You know well, I think the only way to be a part of it is to be the ultimate heel Yeah, I don't think you can be part of it and be like, I hate that bitch too. It's like you are that. Yeah, I think you've got to come in and be giving

Shimmy more stuff and everything you do. It's Can your family provide you with this? I don't think so. And then whenever anything's good you're a WWE heel that's just letting them know they can't compete with you. So in front of them, kind of like show off. Over the top, what I would actually do is take a couple of photos with you and Shimi and say to Shimi, hey, can I get like the family group text or however that everybody does something? And go, I just want to say like a funny thing a nice thing to everybody and she goes sure about like Austin and then have a photo of being like when friends become family and it's

you guys together of who needs or you go what's more important is not the family you come from but the family you choose family you come from, but the family you choose. I like it. I think Jake's right. I think you have to lean into the heel part of it. I think you, you know, because first of all, it's good that you have a good sense of humor about this, because I thought you were going to start and be like, it hurts my feelings. And so the fact that you like this, so this is what I would pitch. Why don't you document and celebrate

a new annual holiday called Shimmas, where you celebrate Shimmy on a level that her family, not her birthday, but this is a celebration of Shimmy that her family can never compete with. And let's get a piñata that looks like Hawaii or something like that. Or it looks like every member of the family. If possible. Let's let's have a fire where we burn lays.

And let's have a cake where we celebrate Shimmy on the cake. And all food is Texas themed. All food is Texas themed. Yes It's Texas barbecue the only barbecue you're drinking Lone Star beer Yeah, you have a shim wow, which is like a luau but just way better And why don't you get a picture of you and shimmy that's framed and at the bottom it says all we need is each other And then in real bold lettering it just says all we need is each other. And then in real bold lettering, it just says all after that. And then you can film that and you can send it

to the family to sort of show them that you are once a year inventing the shimmy holiday that makes, you know, it sweeps. I mean, I gotta say, I think we're both on the same page. It's, there's ways to be, I think you gotta be the heel. I like the shimmy holiday. I like the celebration of her, the pushing it. And I like going to the family. What, Brittany, where you kinda at?

Cause our pitches are kinda similar and we're in one zone. But, let's hear where you're at. Lean in and go big. Okay, I definitely like that because I enjoy like pranking and like you guys said, I'm not a sensitive type at all. I'm just worried that I'm gonna see them in person before I get to do this with Shemi. Okay. Because I...

You're gonna see them? Okay. Potentially. Alright, I got a pitch. But what do you mean potentially then? Because originally they were supposed to be coming here for Christmas and I just found out yesterday that I may not, they may not be. So now I might have to see them in February for Shimi's birthday and I might be going to Hawaii. So I'm thinking like some type of prank or gift and it's not a for sure thing. So I just kind of need some options.

Okay. Well, you've got shimmas. Yeah. Or something like that. Yeah. Love that. Love that. Here's, here's how much would you think shimmy is down to play a role in this prank if you

pull it off? Yes. Okay. So this is what this is another pitch. Okay. Let's set up a theatrical friend breakup. Let's withhold the information that you know about this text thing, or if you do, you're not bothered by it too much.

Then when you're in person, set it up so that Shimi reveals something about this and you pretend to freak out over it and storm out and make it seem like your feelings are overly hurt and you just hold the, you know, just something where you're just like, I mean, the very idea that you guys would even do that, that is affecting our friendship to the point. I don't even want to do that. Storm out, right? Make them feel bad for 20 minutes and then you come back in with some pineapple or something like that. Or you could also, you could just do something

really easy too. You could just get a shirt made that says, Shimmy's top five. You're at the top, and then different families are done, and you just show up wearing it. So you're playing it really cool. You just like have a sweatshirt on at one point you take it on and you go like somebody goes like you know you don't make a big stink of it so that one of the family members goes like

did you see Britney's shirt and it's shimmy's favorite people. You're at number one number two is some other person in Texas. Three's like her mom. Four, her's her brother. And it just goes all the way down. And then at the end you go, this shirt was made by Shimeon, gifted to me. That's like, I love that word. It's not hard to do.

It's just a little gag. And so they just look at you and go, and then on the back it says like, Austin is better than, Texas is better than Hawaii, quote, and you go, or you just do a shirt with quotes, and they're all shimmy. Or you could, can I pitch the back of the shirt? Please.

The back of the shirt, it says, Brittany plus shimmy, and then at the bottom it's your combined couple name, which is shitittany. Okay, or... It's funny because we've actually said that before. Or I would go on the back of the shirt, I would do something of a quote that feels over the top, but you say it was her, where she literally goes on the back and says, Brittany, like quote, Brittany, I love you so much. I'm glad I decided to move to Austin

and leave my family to be with you because you're more family. You've taught me more about family and our friendship than anyone has in my whole life and my real family. You know the saying, blood is thicker than water. Well, in our case, it's not. I love you more than I love my family. You're my number one.

Period. Quote. Every day. Shimi. Every day. Most days. And calma. I'm not even making a joke. This is every day. This is for real. And you can get those on Amazon. Every year I'll make my brother a different shirt.

I'll have like direct quotes that go on way too long. So you could just have like a long quote shirt of like, you know, so I think something like that. So the family has to take a second and go, quote, shirt of like, you know, so I think something like that. So the family has to take a second and go, she is ridiculous. And it just, and you just go and then they go, what is that shirt? You go, oh my God, I'm so embarrassed. I wore it.

It's just something Shimi says to me every day. I'm so embarrassed. Shimi likes to wear this most days. I forgot who I was around. And then you can even have in the shirt, it goes, if anybody in my family sees this, I'll have to deny it. But girl, we both know it's true. And then go like, I swear to God, I swear on my life, but I will deny it forever.

And then maybe bring a couple different sizes for the family if they want. And then gift it to the... I'm going to go get them some too. Give it to the patriarch or the patriarch of the group. The oldest member of the group, you go like, hey, Papa, this is for you. Shimmy wanted you to have it.

She wanted you to have it. What do you think? OK, I think that I think that that's honestly perfect. I was leaning towards some type of gift idea, and I think that's so over the top. And I just want to like have a nice banter with them. So I think that that is. And so walk through kind of improvise what the shirt's going to say. You'll do second drafts of this, but I don't want us to pitch you.

I want you to pitch us. Well, you'll probably see the price and be like, I got to shave some letters out of this. I got to tell you, they're not bad. OK, there you go. Yeah. You can get on. Where do you get it from? Go to Amazon custom shirt, and then there's like 50 different companies that do it. You're not gonna have an exact look you want But this is a gag. It's just fine, right? Yeah, so improvise a little bit of what the

Font what it's gonna say on that shirt, okay Okay, so the back obviously or what's or the front it could also just be the front yeah the back is a great reveal though yeah okay to take a jacket off and show the front be like oh I forgot I was wearing this and then go up for a second that's true oh hey oh the back I forgot the back oh the back was worse for you guys yeah yeah all right so I like the idea of the lift hmm I like the idea of the list on the front. So, OK, then these favorite people.

And then it'll be me, number one. And then her mom lived in Texas also. So I'll put her as number two. Maybe she lives in Texas. Yeah, that would hurt. Yeah. And then honestly, like, what if I get number three and. Yeah, three is playing extra.ty? Does she have a dog? No. No, keep going. Keep going. No, no, you're on fire. Keep going. Keep your instincts.

One is you, two is mom, three is blank. What's four? Yeah. And then four is maybe like one of her nieces. And then maybe I'll just like keep going and make sure to put her brother-in-law and her sister very last. Maybe like tied. Or can five just be a tie of everybody else? Yeah, I think so.

Or five could be you again. Yeah, I just keep putting myself. And then six in smaller font. Yeah. Everybody. Rest of family. My old family from Hawaii. Yeah. Yeah Whatever they're barely made it and parentheses Okay, I think that's a fun start and then what's on the back

okay in the back maybe like my Dearest best friend Brittany. it's hard to put into words how much I love you and love you more than my family. Great. I am choosing to move, I'm choosing to move to Texas because there really is no other option. Living with my family has been fun but it just doesn't give me the same fulfillment out of life as when I live with you. They say blood is thicker than water, but in this case, it sure as hell is not.

Yeah, this case blood is water. It's great. It's great. And yeah, and then just at the bottom, like you guys said, like, obviously I would deny this if my family asked. Because they're so sensitive and they're such babies. Don't tell my family about this. Yeah. Yeah.

Brittany, I think this is perfect. Will you take a photo of the shirt both sides for us? And you know what if we can since shimmy is gonna know this is gonna happen It wouldn't be terrible for someone to secretly film the reveal of the show. I totally agree I mean if we could get it. I get agree. Yeah, if you could find a way to do that Without getting people knowing they're on camera. Yeah, you're fun then last before we go, you said if you knew you were safe, you would want to see a 30-foot snake. How about no barriers, no safety? What animal do you want to see?

Maybe like a toucan. Okay, thank you for the comment. What an amazing answer. Thank you. A toucan? We appreciate that. To say toucan like it's just on the top of your Thank you. I'm here. We appreciate you Say to can like it's just on the top of your head fast. I mean to can I? Mean I said to can I Brittany go get him keep us posted Alright, thank you. Thank you guys

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

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savings at meundies.com slash here to help. Enter promo code here to help. That's meundies.com slash here to help code here to help for huge site wide savings me undies comfort from the outside in Hello. Hi, welcome to the show Hi, thank you so much. Thank you so much. Can we get your name, please? Sure, my name is Eva Eva is that EVA? That is okay and Eva where you calling from? I'm calling from Upstate New York. Gareth, where do you go upstate?

It varies. I, you know. Oh, you're being cool. Yeah, yeah, exactly. You know where Troy, New York is, Eva? I do, actually. I'm pretty close to Troy. Yeah, my mother used to live there.

I spent a lot of time up there. Right now, we have something in common. So Eva, upstate, what do you do you do for I moved to try with your mom? Go ahead honestly make love with your mother. Okay, go ahead Someone went nuclear I just I just shot a rubber band at you and you dropped a bomb son. I went honest All right, let's just that in love with your mother. It's really intense I want you to be my stepson. It's intense So even I agree you're not ready. You're just a punky teenager And you're mad, you know, you know, I'm not gonna fight that

First rule no more tattoos What do you do for work I Work for a nonprofit organization that works with families Uh and just help I like it. If you were even what's your favorite animal all time? I mean, it's hard to not say dog interesting mine's duck. Um, so it's hard to not say dog. How come? Well, I just love them They're they're hard to beat and they love you they're always happy to see you you got you got active you got a dog I

do have a dog what do you call that thing I call her Josie but I also call her Bogey Bogey cute. What kind of dog is Josie? She is a pit bull mix. She's a pit bull Rottweiler German Shepherd. Okay, so we got a picture of you a little bit. We know you're a dog. What can we do for you today? Okay, so my problem is pretty straightforward, but it's been causing me a lot of issues,

and it is that my boyfriend is addicted to Q-tipping. Ugh. What does that mean? And my question- Is that cleaning your ears out with a Q-tip? Yes. Oh, okay. I thought this was going to be another butter face, Gareth.

Nope. I thought Q-tipping was a whole thing and I was going to feel like a 75-year-old man. He likes to sit on cotton. Let's go Q-tipping was a whole thing and I was gonna feel like a 75 year old. He likes to sit on cotton Yeah Okay, my problem is that no matter what I do no matter what I say He doesn't he doesn't chill with it. He's very much waiting for his next Q-tip in okay. That's Okay. Now when you say, at what clip are we moving? Are we every day?

Oh my God, yeah. Like four times a day. Four times a day. All right, so where does he Q-tip? Well, anywhere, and this is actually part of the problem, is that like yesterday or two days ago when I emailed Um, I found two used q-tips on the coffee table. Oh Disgusting but he'll just be

He can't be cute if it anywhere, but he can't be getting anything out. I mean, this is some sort of TLC No, he's not. Yeah, so he's kind of nothing like that. He likes the way this sensation feels It's like it is a strange obsession. Yeah Mm-hmm. He says when I asked him like why do you keep it so much? He says it's because he has wet ears He has wet ears like yeah. Yeah How long you been with this guy we're not going This guy How long you been with this guy? We're not going in that direction. How long you been with this guy? Eight years in January. Okay. Oh shit. All right

So the problem is you've been with a man for eight years. He q-tips all the time Four times or more throughout the house and leaves the q-tips on tables Right, so what is. Okay, but sometimes. So what is the specific question we could try to help you with today? Okay, I guess the specific question is just like, do you guys

have any creative ideas or just something that may not be immediately obvious to someone in the problem? To get him to either just decrease? Or, or you know I guess decrease because like I you know I'm not against it every once in a while Q-tip but it's not good for you it's a he could burst his eardrums yeah it's also just crazy

so well yeah it's a good way of phrasing the question yeah you're not supposed to you I've kind of come up to this in my own life because I do like to clean my but you're not supposed to use q-tips Yeah, like like there it's like impacts the issue more But he's he's got a weird thing where he thinks his ears are wet. Well, we got isn't a thing But we need to simplify Like get out of the shower and like you're like, oh, I feel like my ears are a little wet. Yeah, because you just got out of the shower. But I feel that with my hair and my arm.

Well, the reason you feel that way is because your ears are wet. Yes, because your ears have been underwater. It's not like he has a medical condition where he's got wet ears and he needs to. And even if you have a wet ear, it's fine. You know that weird thing when you get out of a pool and you feel like your body's wet? I hate that. I have that allergic reaction to water too. But I'm gonna try to get clean on this one, Gareth.

So is he. The whole idea of this one is just, because we're not gonna go down the medical path with him, right? That's not really what the call's about, Eva. Is it? Is it just you are getting grossed out? No. Or are you worried about him impacting his eardrums? Yeah, I think it's less being grossed out and more just that I'm concerned for the health of his ears. Oh, it is more about the health. Okay, I see what you're saying.

No, it's bull, I guess. What's gross is the leaving it around. And it's expensive. Right, so you keep... It hold, but it's not. It's not. I mean, they sell Q-tips by the 3,000. So Eva, I want you to take a deep breath here because I'm gonna ask you a real question.

And the only way we can pitch, because we can pitch and just be ridiculous and goofy, but I really do like when there's a problem, we really try to solve it. So what is it that you actually don't like about this enough to call in a podcast? Cause Q-Tips, you know, is he going to impact his ears? Maybe a little bit. Who gives a shit? If it's a health thing, what? None of us are doctors. You know, in five years they're going to find out that we all should be doing it or whatever and it's going

to change. They're not expensive. It costs about eight bucks for 50,000. Those little Q-Tips. This is endless. You cannot tell us you don't have the budget. They're not expensive. It costs about eight bucks for 50,000. Those little cuties. This is endless. You cannot tell us you don't have the budget. Literally. And don't make it then it's bad for the environment too. It's like, what is the main reason that you're just getting grown?

And now I'm saying what I think, but I could be wrong. So I want your main reason, not mine. But what my guess is is you just don't like that your partner is always sticking Q tips in his ear throughout the days. And it's kind of grossing you out. Yeah. I think you got down to the bottom of it. I would like to think that it's because I'm concerned for the health of his ears,

but I think, I think it is just a little nasty at the end of the day. And if he did it, let's say just in the bathroom and you didn't know about it and he threw them out Maybe you wouldn't think about it that much. Maybe. It's so weird. There's fucking Q-tips on your dining room table Yeah, he's too comfy too. You should not be seeing it. What we need to do, and look, this isn't always a nice show. This is a bar show. You've come into a bar and you've pitched your friends, and we need a solution. We've had a couple pops and we don't like them already. 100% right. So maybe-

Maybe we don't. Well, Gareth, for sure, when you were going early on on how long you've been dating, I know you were thinking, get rid of old wet ears. Listen, there's a lot of guys with dry ears out there that are single. Who will not worry about how disgusting their bodies are. There's a lot of guys out there that have the opposite problem. Yes, agreed. But I think there's a game we could play here even where there's just a touch of shame. A touch of shame? Have you tried that? Have you tried shaming him? I guess it's over eight years. That's

a good question. What have you done to this pride? That's a good question So shame is always you know a part of the game and it hasn't really worked. He's a he's quite the contrarian so like you tell him not to do something and It makes him want to do it more for the most part so that like I feel like every time I try to shame him It backsires which is why this is because like comes to the point where I emailed in because like the straightforward solutions that I've attempted. What have they been? Let's hear everything you've tried to do.

And how have you shamed him? Well, I guess more nagging with shame. I guess, you know, nagging, telling him the facts of like, you know, that's bad for you, you're not supposed to do it. I've not bought Q-tips, but he's a grown man, so he can just go buy Q-tips for himself, you know. But you've tried some moves, okay. What's the most extreme measure you've done? God, I don't know. Probably just being annoying. I mean, it's kind of hard, like... Have you withheld anything that he likes? God, I don't know. Probably just being annoying. I mean, it's kind of hard, like...

Have you withheld anything that he likes? No, and I know what you're... I'm just going down familiar roads. I'm just, you know, I'm just pitching familiar roads, and I want your take on it. Because there is a thing that he could be going and you go, you know, I'll tell you what turns me off a lot, is seeing my man through his ears in the living room. And he'll go, well, I got to keep him clean. And then that night he goes like, hey, a little chocolate frog. And you go, that's what we call the dog.

And he goes, you know what I'm getting at? And you go, all I'm thinking about is the sound of your fucking wet ears and that Q-tip, buddy. Turn the other side. Right. So there's always that path. There's always the path of fight fire with fire. And as he's cleaning his ears, you're cutting your toenails or

you're picking nose hairs. Yeah. That's disgusting. There's always those two paths are just standbys. So you've got those, if like them. And they still count as our pitches, Gareth, and if she doesn't, I still view it as a ringing the bell win. The bell's getting ruined. Right? Yeah. You can, I would, no matter what happens, you can ring the bell. But you've listened to the show, so you know, so you know those pitches,

but you're looking for something else, I guess. I mean, I am. I know it's kind of a tricky one. Um, but you know, I, I was ready for the withholding. You don't want to do the growth stuff. No. I mean, it's not my favorite idea. Yeah, I get it. I totally get it.

Okay. I, I got a bunch. I got a bunch. Oh my God. I'm ready. Okay. Um, I? Okay. I'll start, well, I'll start with what I thought was the first one, but it sounds like it's not gonna work.

I thought we could do a Moe and Piggly. I thought we could do an informative clip where we're talking about the real dangers of Q-tipping, but it sounds like you've already kinda gone that route. He doesn't give a shit. This is a My Strange Addiction problem. He has some weird thing going on where he doesn't think his ears are gonna get clean. So I would not do that.

Um, my second one is you just say to him, you don't want to see it anymore. And what you do is one day you go into the master safe of Q-tips and you take off every piece of cotton. So that in there there's just the swab part and there's no cotton tube. But that okay there's that. Then okay this might be this might be the one I think. What I would do is I would get some fake blood and I would put some fake blood on a few of the Q-tip tops,

and wherever he throws the Q-tips, like in the trash can in the bathroom or whatever, plant a couple of them. And then one day, just after a couple days of that, say to him, you were just about to throw a tissue in there, and you noticed there's blood on some of the Q-tip ends, and try to freak him out, like he's over cleaned his ears

where one of them got bloody and he didn't notice. I got another pitch. That is actually brilliant. I got another pitch to that one inspired. Okay, I'm ready. And then I have one that's nuclear. Go ahead. The other thing you could do is, and this is a longer play, but whenever he Q-tips,

you can save them and after a year present him with all the Q-tips he has used in a year, which would be if he's doing, you know, four times that's eight a day, eight times 360, you're talking about a lot of Q-tips. And you could say like, I just want to show you something, my man. I just want to show you who you become with these weird fucking ears of yours and just jump them out and go like You need help So that could link into that could link into the other pitch I had which was post a picture of them and just say may take the shame publicly and just say

Off of that pitch a nut that's enough. So there's an option there. Really quick off the public shame really fast. You could also, if you don't want to do a public, you can do get a dry erase board or not a dry erase, a pin board and a cork board and every time he Q-tips, mark it down. Yeah. I like that. So he just has to see how many times. I mean, I like all of these. And then, okay, so then here's a separate one.

You start saving the Q-tips, and what you do is you take 50 used ones that you've stored and you put them back in the original box, and after two weeks of that, you reveal to him that he's been using used Q-tips. I love that one. And that shames him back into the shadows. You can't be involved in this and now he has no choice but now to have a stash. What I love about that, Gareth, is he's putting the junk back in his ears. Yes.

So you're doing nothing. You're just being a weirdo. The other thing I would say on this, what you couldn't do... They look so clean that you're reusing them. Yes. Another thing that you could say is you could say to him... You could say, Honey, how many times do you think you cue Tipaday? Right? And like, he'll probably think it's less than you do.

It's like a gambler. They never want to say their real numbers. And then go, I think you go more than, you know, a hundred in a month or whatever you're going to say their real numbers. And then go, I think you go more than, you know, a hundred in a month or whatever you're going to say. And he'll say no. And then you go, if you are under that, then keep going. But if you're over it, how about you take a month off? And then you go to the cork board and you're marking it

so that he has to be aware. Cause it might be something he's not even that conscious of. Like he just doesn't think. He gets a weird litch. You know about the four times a day. It's probably more. It's probably more and go like let's do an honor code system where whenever you do it just let me know. Because I think you're doing it so much so he has to be aware of it. It's a problem. It's an addiction. And you're calling out the addiction to Stan. So what we've got right now is take off the cotton part. So he just goes in there and just a bunch of blue sticks.

That's why I love the show. Just out of context, you just like you said that with all seriousness. Put a little fake blood on some. So he thinks he actually might be damaging his ear. Save them and present them back to him to show his addiction. Post it on social media so there's a little bit of public shame.

Get a board at home so you're tracking his addiction. Make a bet and see where he is and see if he'll agree to take a month off if he does it and then take the used Q-tips and put him back and later tell him he has been using used Q-tips. Eva, a woman who loves dogs, calls her dog a chocolate frog, works for a nonprofit, lives somewhere in upstate near Troy. What are you gonna do? All right, so I think it's like a three-fold. These are all great ideas.

By the way, I would not have thought of any of these, so thank you. Well, at this point, I could say we're professionals. Yeah, and this is what we do. You know what, you are. It's nice to hear, yeah. It's nice to hear. At the end of the day, yeah.

So I think, I don't think I'm going to save all of his q-tips as much as I love that idea because it just sounds Awful. Yeah, I agree. Oh gross, but I Actually really like the blood I Think that that would be effective Maybe I would do that and then on top of that I really like the keeping track and the bet Okay, so maybe like a threefold, you know

Keep track because I think that would like annoy him enough to and then plus like being like, you know I think you do it this much. He would probably try to decrease so that I'm wrong. Exactly right. So I think, yeah, those things plus. And you can set that number lower than you think. But now, quickly, what order do you think she should do that if you're gonna try all three? Cause I do think you would wanna do an order of the,

start with the accounting of it, and then let that lead you to the, I would say the blood. Okay. And then let that lead to the. My kind of feeling is a little different. I think you start with the blood. And.

Okay, yeah, that makes sense too. And then if it keeps going after, and you don't even mention it, just like there's blood on his Q-tips. And then if you break, like, and you never tell him you're part of it or that you called this podcast obviously, just to spook him out. And then maybe one day you just go like, hey, I found this in the garbage.

Is your ear bleeding? And he's like, what the fuck? And I think you do it where like, you're just like, honey, you're, you are cleaning your ears to the point where there is blood on Q-tips and you don't even know it. Don't even see it. This is serious. Yeah, that's perfect. And what we could do, if that is kind of working and it's on the fence, you could call back

and then we could do a Mo and Pigly about this is a thing that happens. And you know, it's like, and part of the thing will be, what's wild is, is the person doing it doesn't see the blood. And what we could talk about is how that person, you need to take a month off from cleaning that ear, otherwise you're opening a wound, it can get infected. We could do a whole play there. Oh, okay, I like that.

I say start there, follow up. If the follow up is, we're on the fence, in the follow up we'll do a mow and pigly, and then we'll just have to do another follow-up and then let do us a favor And will you take pictures of the crime scene you're setting? Yes great idea of course Let us see the garbage can go to a costume shop and get the fake blood do it, right? Yeah, how are you gonna? Leftover Halloween well, I think so I was like, you know, got vampire blood for Halloween. I think I have like a bottle of fake like makeup blood.

Oh, so you can do that today. You like. Yep. Great. Yeah. So I'm ready. But my question is, do I just leave it because like, do I just leave it around and then like for a few days? No, even for a few days, you just leave it. Because the hope is this. He goes to throw another one out, finds it himself,

and goes, what the fuck? Because if you tell him, it's a little suspicious. But the real hope is if he leaves one on the dining room table, perfect. The hope is that he opens the garbage can and goes, oh my god. Then touches his little gross wet ear and he's like, and then goes to you and he goes like, there was blood. And you go, you do it too much, man. Yeah, well, what do you think is gonna happen? Yes, it's like, you poke at your belly button every day, you think it's gonna be the same?

It's gonna scab. Yeah, well, that's a weird thing to know and be so confident about but but the point remains He has a problem you want him to come to you with it But if you have to intervene then we go that route But start by laying the crime scene a little just one a day start putting on one end Like one of the right leading it's's his eariad I'm sorry Jake but one of the ends is bleeding and just start to set the scene in the trash can hope he notices if he doesn't you go at him I think it's great okay I think it I think it's great to you guys take some pictures and Eva I gotta say I was glad you said

you didn't like the idea of withholding sex and doing the old roads you made us work for it a little bit, but I do think we came to a great. I think we came to a good answer. I Think you did too. I'm I mean, I'm not surprised but I'm impressed. Thank you. Bloody the Q-tip Eva keep us posted And now that's gonna be a new thing. We just say a lot bloody the Q-tip, unfortunately Bloody the Q-tip, it's the new Parmesan. Thank you. Thank you. All right guys. Have a good one This episode is brought to you by mint mobile 2025 is here in mint mobile has a resolution for you skip the gym skip the fad diets skip the BS Resolution for you skip the gym skip the fad diets skip the BS resolutions You'll forget about by next month instead make a resolution to save some serious cash by making the switch to mint mobile And right now you can get half off their three month unlimited plan

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Love it. It's made brushing my teeth so much easier and in order to get to the back molars, which I can't get to, I'm now able to and I'm excited to brag to my dentist. And I'm not fearing the dentist's appointment as much because it's always nice to feel like a winner. So the new Quip 360 oscillating toothbrush literally revolves around you, literally. So this is an electric toothbrush

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How are you? I'm good. How are you? Well, good. Welcome back to the show. This is a follow up, but Gareth and I don't have a lot of time. Hello. Hi. How are you? I'm good. How are you? Well, good. Welcome back to the show.

This is a follow-up, but Gareth and I don't know what the follow-up is. So could you tell us who you are, what your call was, what our solution was? This is always exciting. Where we are. Yeah. The reveal. What's happening? Yes, absolutely.

So my name is Brittany, and my problem was that my best friend Shemi had just moved back to Austin where I live from Hawaii with her family. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, the family drama. Yeah, yeah. The ownership over Shemi. Yeah, so keep going Brittany. It was, yeah, will you walk us through it again for anybody for some reason who didn't hear it originally, but walk us through it again for anybody for some reason who didn't hear it originally but walk us through it Brittany Yes, and so they had this ongoing secret joke that they all hated me and kind of talked shit about me And so I was looking for ways to break the ice with them when I finally met them

Right. What was the advice? Shirts, so I kind of blacked out. Yeah, I kind of blacked out. Y'all gave me some other advice, too. I only remember one of the other ones that y'all gave me, which was Gareth said I should make pinatas of the whole family and like bust them open with Shemi. But we didn't go with that when we ended on the shirt. Listening back to that pitch. Horrible, right? Yeah. Yeah. And so what happened with the what shirt did you pick? What happened? So on the shirt, do you want me to read what the shirt says? Yes. Do you have a photo? Okay?

Yeah, I do. I sent it to you guys, but I also have it in front of me so I can like read it Okay, so it says on the front it says Jimmy's favorite people in parentheses written by shimmy obviously not. And then number one, Brittany. Number two, mom because she lives in Texas. Three is blank. Four is Sophia and Olivia who are her nieces. Five is Crystal who's her sister. Six is John Wick the dog, which is like the arch nemesis of the family. And then seven is Anthony, who's like the main culprit. Okay, good. And what I mean, by the way, great shirt.

Yeah, a lot of inside stuff. Okay, what's the back say? The back is, you know, so I should do something ridiculous and write an over the top letter to me from Shemi, but obviously written by me. So it says, my dearest friend and favorite person on the planet, Brittany. It's hard for me to put into words how much you mean to me. Everything I've gone through, you've been by my side every step of the way. Moving to Texas with you was the best decision I ever could have made. It's weird that I don't even miss my family back in Hawaii. I know they said, well, yes,

because I know they say blood is thicker than water. But in this case, that's so far from the truth. You are the number one person in my life and always will be. Come on, Gary. Wow. It is very. It's a huge victory. I got to start jambling with the bell. I agree.

Yeah. It says, P.S. If my family ever saw this, I would deny it all. But I need to know how much more I love you. Love your best friend. What a victory. That's great. So, OK, so you got the shirt made. Yes, I made it. That's awesome, by the way. A way to go.

OK. And it looks like it's just kind of pasted on there. Was this the final of the shirt? Yes. OK. So to be clear, you didn't go to a professional. You just kind of rubber cemented this these note cards on the shirt, which were fine with whatever the point. The fun's the fun. By the way this is transfer paper. This shirt is good merch. Good merch yes this is good merch. We should copy this. This is good merch. All right so then Shemi what happened did you wear it around them? I remember they were coming to visit or you were going there. I think this was happening

right around the holidays. Yep. Yes think this was happening right around the holidays. Yeah. Yes. So it actually happened right after the holidays. So we decided it would be best for me to meet them at her niece's surprise birthday party. So she took me to meet her family. And while I'm waiting for that part of the family to arrive, I meet like 30 people that don't know about the bit.

So this is killing me. I'm like wearing this shirt under a sweater. So, OK, take that. Hidden. Yeah. Yeah. So her niece walks up and instead of being surprised by the surprise party, the first thing she says is I heard Brittany was here, which is just hilarious because it's just embedded in her even though she's like 12 years old. That there's a hate from her family from me.

But the main culprit of teasing her brother-in-law eventually walked over side-eyeing me and introduced himself to me in kind of a playful tone. And then I was like, man, it's hot. I need to take the sweater off. So I took it off and. You old ham. I know. It's a little hot. You started dying laughing and playfully called me a bitch and said I was petty and told me he was rooting against me for life and that he was going to make a blonde voodoo doll. Yeah, I like him. He's a blonde voodoo doll. Yeah.

Good. I like him. He's a winner. He's a winner too. Yeah. It's intense still. I actually think you guys... What? It's still very intense. I would have thought that that might have thought things, but you guys are keeping up. Well, Brittany, this feels like a massive... Yeah.

Feels like a massive win. And what's going on now with Shimi? What's going on with the family? With the dynamic? where are we at? So after that, it was way better. It's definitely still, I have like a playful arch nemesis, which I love. I've always wanted an arch nemesis. And after the fact, they all told Shemi that they loved me. So it was definitely a win. Yeah.

Super fun. Great. Yeah. Great. Great time. I love the advice on the shirt and I'll now chair it like cherish that shirt forever And I make a suggestion for if there's another meeting I think you should get like a queen crown and a sash that says shimmies Number one. Yes for sure Linen heart, but it also feels like Britney's now just in the family. Yeah, it's yes Yeah, I think that's you know know, like it's like she's

if someone escalates the joke, that's an inside joke. Well, that's that's a victory. So at the end, we hugged by and I was like, it's great to meet you. And he like said, so good to meet you out loud and then whispered in my ear. So now you're in the group. I'm in the group. All playful guy. It all worked out. This was a great follow up. We appreciate it.

For us it's a huge victory. Very clean win. It's a good way to start the year with a nice big victory. Thank you, Brittany. Thank you, guys. We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. Thank you guys. We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grimm Productions, executive producers Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter and Natalie Hollis, associate producer Jesse Thurston, editing, mix and

master by Chris Fowler. Theme song by Oliver Raleigh, the cover artwork is by James Fostike, animations by Andrew Strelicki, and if you'd like to see Gareth do stand up on the road, go to garethrentolds.com. Remember all the advice given on We're're here to help is for entertainment purposes only and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions. Oh how I love you Mrs. King, dear Gwen. You're the perfect little cat just for me. I love you, love you, love you. I'm always thinking of you. I hope that you're thinking of me. Hi guys, I'm Ago Wodim. Check out my new show, Thanks Dad, now on HeadGum. I was raised by

a single mom and I don't have a relationship with my dad and, spoiler, I don't think I'm ever going to have one with him because he's dead. But I promise you that's okay because on my new podcast I sit down with father figures like Bill Burr, Kenan Thompson, Adam Pally, Hassan Minaj, Tim Meadows, Andy Cohen, and many, many more. I get to ask them the questions I've always wanted to ask a dad like, how do I know if the guy I'm dating is the one? Or how can I change the oil in my car? Can you even show me that?

Or better yet, can you help me perfect my jump shot? I am so bad at basketball. Oh my gosh. Maybe I'm bad at basketball because I don't have a dad, but subscribe to Thanks Dad on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Pocket Casts, or wherever you get your podcasts. New episodes drop every Monday. All video episodes of season one are available now on Patreon and season two video episodes will be available every Monday starting January 20th.

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