We're Here to Help - 149: On My Knees & Don't Call Me Daddy

Episode Date: February 24, 2025

The guys help a veteran who is being bullied by her son's librarian. Later, they help a caller brainstorm alternatives to his wife's favorite sexy nickname. Plus, an update from the owners of two giant inflatable pigs from Ep. 121: Very Important Pigs (with Steve Berg).Watch the original Ep. 121 on Patreon.Want to call in? Email your question to [e-mail]: heretohelppod.comINSTAGRAM: @HereToHelpPodIf you’re enjoying the show, make sure to rate We’re Here to Help 5-Stars on Apple Podcasts.Advertise on We’re Here to Help via Gumball.fm See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Let's introduce our producer this year, Rob. Wobby Wob. And you see how he said this year just to keep you on your toes Rob, nothing's locked in. Just this year. Well look that's what Wobby Wob wants to. That's the dance baby. We could pretend that you know Barb over here is drawing it but if this is Shark Tank he's for sure Mark Cuban. Yes absolutely. That's his vibe. And I remain the guy in ski gear at the end. Just not sure what's happening. Yeah. You know what his vibe could be?

Oh. Rob, if you were on Shark Tank, who would your character be? Are you one of the main five or are you one of those guys like the guy who created Kind Bars? Yeah. Yeah. I'm going to admit, I don't know who any of the five have. Okay. Thanks for producing the show. You're fired. Well, that's why we're going year to year with Yeah, yeah, I'm gonna admit I don't know who any of the We just discovered we're not on the same page at all But we appreciate you being here this year with us. It's been fun to have you we also have liked the calls this year It's been really fun and we're trying to connect follow-ups to the episode and we also heard everyone's complaint about putting ads in the middle of the call,

and we worked with Head Gum, our sales agent, said we're not gonna do it. They said that we can get away from that. So we hear it, everybody. So we're here to help you guys. Rob, let me ask you this. When you heard that we were interested, and again, I'm posturing like Shark Tank,

you were obviously a fan of the show. Yeah, you'd listen to the show before that? Yeah, it's all. Yeah, so you'd listen to a lot of this. Oh, your little attitude with, yeah, a ton. This is how the guys wear an orange right now. Yeah, the orange guys are turning red. Listen, we put out a lot of podcasts,

so I don't listen to a ton of podcasts outside of what's being produced. But I'm very aware of the show and I know I was... Yeah, I'm a fan of both of you. Did you... Did you... And now you have told me that you're going back and listening to some. You're doing that a little bit, right? Yeah, yeah.

Your homework. Yeah. Favorite that a little bit, right? Yeah. Your homework. Yeah. Yeah. Favorite episode from season one, Rob, just so we can, I mean, we just want to make sure we're dealing with someone who's an honest person. That's like asking somebody their favorite storyline from a TV show they've never watched and watching them go, well, it was when the Frasier man said that he was ready to be a psychiatrist and the bartender man, Ted Danson man said, okay.

Just adding man to every occupation. But when you watch somebody fall apart, it is enjoyable. Well, you know, this is one thing I realized watching the original Office. I was like, you know, one of my favorite things to do or like to watch is to watch an actor lying when we know he or she is lying. That brings me such joy to be like watch someone fibbing on camera.

I mean the not funny version of it but the very funny version of it. The not funny in context but the very funny in watching is to catch a predator. Oh my god. It is the grossest context. How did this show happen? Well, because Chris Hansen is a comedic genius. And the show brought down predators. What I like about it is I like the end where they get arrested and then they have to call their wives.

But there is a moment of comedy in all those episodes when these guys are saying all these things via email, then they get busted, and then they pretend they weren't doing what they were doing. They'll go like, are you kidding me? I came here because this 15-year-old boy's alone. I was going to help with his homework. I'm worried.

Some guy could come over here and try to be rude with him and inappropriate. They go like a 40-year-old guy like like you and they'll go like exactly what out and they go So why do you have eight jars of whipped cream in there like for cherry pie? Are you kidding? Salesman I need those He are you kidding me the win Connelly is always it was entrapments Which is why the show stopped, but it was like we were all is always good stuff. It was entrapment, which is why the show stopped, but it was like, we were all like, we're actually okay with this entrapment.

It is, get these guys out of here. And also the idea of sitting in a house, drinking lemonade, lying to a guy from Dateline and you don't know, while outside a cop is in a bush outfit or like dressed up like a hill and just like pops up with a machine. You were just like, man, these guys. Or how about the acting gig? You're an actor in your late 20s, but you can play 14.

And always with the like, I'm just throwing some laundry and I'll be right back. And then the creeps like, can I get a quick hug? Well, let me go in this weird back room really fast. Well, just one hug. A lot of curtains over those doorways. Yeah. You said you really liked Mountain Dew. I have a two liter. Okay, I'm me go in this weird back room really fast. Well, just one hug. A lot of curtains over those doorways. Yeah, you said you really liked Mountain Dew. I have a two-liter. OK, I'm going to go in the back.

What are you doing here? Me? Just delivering Mountain Dew? A grown ass man. Why don't you sit down? And you're just like, yeah, for sure. I'll sit down. I mean, I love to sit.

And then it's, am I, and then the point where they go, am I allowed to leave? And he goes, yes, I am. Okay, great. And then the cops come on, the guy's like, ah, son of a bitch. Or what about the ones where the guys would be like, is this Dateline?

Yeah. Like where you'd get recognized. I'm not gonna answer that. If the crime wasn't so grotesque It is just such a funny character introduction to meet somebody in like a movie where Chris Hansen comes out Like I wish Chris Hansen was doing it for like insurance fraud You know something where you know he actually yes because when they got rid of the show Chris Hansen was like but that's all I've been Doing this is his whole then they did like a version

where he was catching like internet scammers. And he would just be like in Kenya. And he would be like, can I talk? Does anyone here want lemonade? And they would just be like, get out of here. You know, it was a much, it just wasn't, the satisfaction of those. Although I will say, I'm kind of a Chris Hansen fan

in terms of his tone. I agree. I would go down the road and watch him bust other people because he puts you in your place so quickly and he acts surprised that you're surprised. He had all the power in a situation where there were these guys who were like, I'm pretty sure I'm in charge. Like there's one guy who pounds a whole pizza. Like he's like trying to posture like,

dude, everything's fine. That's exactly right. So he just eats a whole pizza. What are you gonna do in that moment of utter, and then when the camera had to come out, you have to pretend like, don't care. Hey, whatever. Don't care that.

I still will have my insurance job Monday morning. Yeah, don't care that this I still will have my insurance job Monday morning. Yeah. Don't care that this is the most humiliating part of my entire life. All those emails, I'm glad those emails are coming out. So what, he read the chat. So what, he just read the whole chat and he's stacks of paper.

And then I love when they go, and how old did you think, you know, Jared Rezny goes, 18? And then they go and how old did you think you know? Third reason he goes 18 and then they go well the tech said you're 14. Is that cool and you wrote AF And he goes like right no that was a mistake. I thought that was a joke Now on like online who do basically that. I've seen it. And then they beat the people up. Well, it's really crazy. It's really crazy.

I mean, again, well, there's no defending. I know, it's such a hard thing. It is, you're just like, Jesus Christ, everybody calm down. It's the whole thing in jail where you hear like, pedophiles get it so bad in jail and you're always like, culturally, you're like, well, yeah. Yeah. That's in like, what were you gonna say, Rob?

We're still talking about Shark Tank, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely. Yeah, you've never seen the tank. No, I haven't seen it. Yeah, so Gareth is Robert, obviously. Yeah. I'm Barb, obviously. I'm a big yes, Ander, and I'll try everything.

I think I'm younger than I am and it's pretty annoying to link Rob to the show Gareth. Who is he? He's not Damon. He's not Not Laurie. He's not mr. Wonderful. And that's a good thing. I think he's I think he's like The guy's a good one. The kind bar guy's a good one. You know who he could be? Who? Kutcher.

That's a... You just got Ashton Kutcher, man. I'm punking you, Rob. I'm punking you. This is the intro with all the TV references. Well we really are... We'll think of who you are, but we really are glad to have you, Rob, and appreciate it all, really.

And you got a bunch of shoes back there, and that's important to us. Well, let's get into the show. What do you guys say? Nah. Without further ado! Hello! Hello. Hey!

Hey there, Welcome to the show Can we get your name age where you're calling from please? Wow. Yes, very miss Hannah very quick. Okay My name is Hannah, I'm 30 and I'm from Portland, Oregon. No beautiful. So Hannah Hannah 30 Portland. What do you do for work, Hannah? Well, I am a veteran and I'm a home mom and I'm going to school right now. You're a veteran, that's as cool as it gets. And how many kids you got? I have two kids. Two kids, how old?

Eight and four. Okay, so you got a baby too. So Hannah, what can we do for you today? Well, I'm being bullied by the local librarian. What? Okay, welcome to it. And I just, I'm calling you guys because I need advice about how I can tactfully demand respect from this book jockey without messing up my current situation. Yeah, I get it.

What is your current situation? And when you say bullying, how intense is this? Are we talking funny bullying? Or walk us through it. Well, so the situation is that it's a little bit layered. So I'm finishing up my senior year of college. I need 300 hours of volunteer work. But because I'm a stay at home mom, I have a four year old who's always with me, right?

The librarian is my son's school librarian. And she lets me volunteer there to fulfill that requirement for school and she lets me bring my daughter with me. So it's very, very helpful. It didn't, I didn't know, it didn't start out as bullying. It kind of started out like she was micromanaging me, which I was like, absolutely. This is your library, like, however you need it. When I'm there, like I'm there to work, I'm very efficient, and I'm there to get things done for her. But then it kind of started to turn. She was having me do a lot of things, but then taking credit for them.

OK. First of all, before we go any further, Hannah, what's this librarian? Let's give her a name. Let's call her Denise. Denise. And what's this librarian? Let's give her a name. Let's call her Denise. Denise. And what's an age for Denise? We talking 65?

Oh, no. Denise is probably in her 40s. Ooh, I didn't expect that. Okay. She's a baby. So Denise, Denise runs the library and the library is at a school. And that's why your kids there. So it's like a preschool. Is it a pre is it through like fifth grade?

Yeah, it is preschool up to sixth grade. Fifth. Okay. And she runs the library there and you need the 300 hours. So you're volunteering and you're basically like her intern. Yes, that's correct. Okay. And so she's having you at first. When you explain this to her, she said, come work for me. It's no big deal. Of course, bring both kids.

And you're like, you're the best. Yes. And like, one goes there. Yeah. Was there a moment, like, did she ever say like, hey, we should get dinner sometime. And you said like, no, thank you. And then the vibe changed. Cause a lot of times there's moments like this

where like something happened and then like things went sideways. I'm wondering if there was something that happened. Absolutely. Well, I can tell you the day it happened was the day of the fall carnival. Always is the fall carnival. This feels like the beginning of a kids

or young adult novel. Now we go back to the carnival. I feels like the beginning of a kids or young adult novel. Now we go back to the Carnival. I was just going to say, it's when we leave the page and we go to the reenactment. I would love to go back to the reenactment as a podcast. It is a custom special. Okay, so take us to the Carnival. So, Day of the Fall Carnival, I come in to volunteer. She has a big piece of paper on the floor.

It's really important that you know that it is on the floor. She wants me to write out fall carnival, fall 2024. I said, okay, so get down. She gives me a marker. I start writing. A craft comes in and the students are like, I want to help. Absolutely. Students start helping me. Another parent volunteer comes in. She starts helping me. So we're all working

on this. So finish the sign. I have to go pick my daughter up. She's at preschool part of the day. So I go to pick her up. I get a text from Denise a couple hours later. And it's just a picture couple hours later, it's just a picture of the floor. The sign is no longer there, but the marker had bled through. So there's a big yes on the floor. It says fall carnival, you know, fall 2024. They went right through it. Right through. I text back immediately and I say, I'm so, so sorry. Let me come clean that up. And she says, bring a magic eraser and hand sanitizer. Okay.

I said, okay. So I go to pick up my son. And she pops her head into the car and she's like, I said, Hey, again, I'm so sorry about that. I will clean that up this evening because of all the carnivals this evening. And she was like, it's fine. She said the janitorial staff said that's what you need to clean it. And by the way, they like tequila.

They like what? Tequila. They like tequila. Like buy the janitor's tequila. Yeah, right. Because of this blood. Buy the janitor's tequila. Yeah, right. Because of his blood. Buy the janitor's tequila, they screw... I screwed up their floor.

Okay. And at a carnival, I go upstairs and I start scrubbing. And my husband's with me and my kids are with me and my husband gets down on his knees with me and we're both scrubbing. And then the principal comes upstairs and she has her kids. And her kids then get down on the floor and start scrubbing. Well, the principal didn't see this happening. She comes around the corner and she says,

what are you doing? And I said, oh, Denise, this happened. And Denise said, I need to clean this. I said, that's what I'm doing. But you said, Denise said, I have to clean this. And the principal thinks this is why we have janitors. Yes.

Well, then the principal says to me, she goes, I do not want you on your hands and knees. She said, we have chemicals. The cleaners. She said, no, this, she said, do not, do not do this. She said, you just did a whole carnival. She said, our staff will take care of this. She said you just did a whole carnival. She said our staff will take care of this He said get up and we get up. Oh It gets so we get up going keep going and we leave Well, I come back it's good question for you Hannah question for you and I'm sorry to do this your honor I'm sorry to know you're okay proceed Thank you when you said to the principal, Denise told us to, was it pointed?

It's a good question. Thanks. When you say pointed. Jake's asking if you had mustard on that, if that was an earnest response to a question, or if you wanted the principal to know this was a little weird. Denise was being a little bit harsh and you were kind of in a weird spot It was filled with mustard, okay, okay. There we go. Thank you. You made a choice No further questions continue sit down, but I do want the dirty know that I don't want that I wanted the don't address them directly go ahead Hannah keep going 100%

Okay, so I come back and I represent Denise from here on out. Okay, but just please be quiet. You're trying to start. Go ahead. Okay. Go ahead Hannah. I come back on Monday, walk through the front doors or walk through the library doors and turn the corner.

Denise is sitting at the desk and she can see me. She hates your ass. She doesn't say a word to me. Neither would I. So I say, yeah, exactly. I say, good morning, Denise. And she goes, why don't I say, good morning, Denise. And she just looks at me. And she goes, why don't you say that to the principal?

Well, I look over her shoulder, and it's still there on the floor. The fucking janitors and the chemicals didn't do anything. So then, then I look at her and she's just staring at me. And I recount everything that happened that night. I said, I did come up here and I did do this. I said, you can see where we were scrubbing. I tell her exactly what the principal said to me.

And she just goes, oh really? I said, yes. By the way, Hannah, Hannah, I love the way you tell a story. Oh, you're just spinning a yarn over here. Yeah, very dramatic. You you tell a story. Oh, you're just spinning a yarn over here. You're very dramatic. You're doing a wonderful job. I am invested. I gave a little bit of a stomachache and I'm mad at everybody.

Yeah. Yeah. Perfect. I'm I'm nervous on this end. So thank you. Good. You're doing a great job. This happened back in November and I was there last week and it's still there. Oh, my God. What are we? This is come on. What are we this is? Come on. What are we? How come no one's cleaned it?

She wants a spiked spot. I find out right. I it's some sort of weird power trip and I don't and and that I felt I got upset because she We were the last thing was there, I was sitting there and scrubbing with the kids and the kids said, what, who did this? And I said, I did this. And then the kids said, well, why is it still here? And I look up at Denise and I said, I thought you were going to reach out the janitorial

staff. You said this from your knees. I said it from my knee while she's in the chair looking down at you out your mouth. Her feet just swinging on the chair. And so she would she say, so I say to her, I go, Hehehehe. I thought you were supposed to reach out to the janitorial staff. The principal said she didn't want us doing this. And then all the students look at her.

Oh, Jesus. And then she looks at me and she's like, well, I've been meaning to. They're just so busy. So she never reached out to them. Okay. She's just been having us clean. So I don't know how to. I love the work.

Hannah, we're going to jump in.'t know how to. I love the work. Hannah, we're gonna jump in. We're gonna jump in. Help me. Yeah, so this has been a pretty good setup. We see it, it's very clear. It feels like you and Denise- It's a year later and this is still going on.

Yeah. I'm glad we got into this and here's why. Because we've done calls where there's like, I'm just remembering some lady, Gareth, in the parking lot where there was like the older lady who was taking her spot at the school, you know, and that was more just bullying. This feels like you and Denise are involved in a weird thing that started.

Well, that was also passive. This is face to face. It's very strange. I have my pitch. I have my pitch. I got a couple too, go. Right. Face to face. It's very strange. I have my pitch. I have my pitch. I got a couple too, go. My first pitch is you get into the school

and you have the access on a weekend. You get on your knees and you scrub that floor. Okay. I can do your own better. Go ahead. Go to the grocery store and get a rug doctor and do that. Just let the rug doctors do the work or give the janitors tequila and be like,

hey, there's a stain up there. Yeah, but she can't go to them because she tried with the principal. Anytime you go through anybody else with Denise, it's gonna backfire on Hannah. I also, I think, okay, I think it's gotta be two pronged. One is get rid of the stain. So you can either, you know, for whatever reason,

grocery stores rent those big rug cleaning machines, I'd get one of those. Or yeah, show up. Is it on a rug or tile, Hannah? It's on tile. Oh, shit, okay. Then get in there, shit. Yeah. Okay. Then get in there.

Elbow grease it. Okay. But then I think we also have to mend the fence. As much as you would rather let your actions speak, I do think you want to do something for her to say, hey, obviously this was a bit of a strange situation. And this shit went sideways. Yeah. I'm glad it, you know, here's a pie or like here's a bottle of wine or here's a gift card to it.

But first order of business, and you're not wrong, Gareth, but I do think we got to tackle the first mountain first. Hannah, how are you going to clean that off the floor? How can you get in there when Denise doesn't know without going through the janitors? What's the system? Because I'll tell you, if you go through the janitors and you try to go through an official channel and Denise finds out, it's going to make your life even worse. Yeah.

So you walk us through a pitch because you know, Hannah, how to get in that room when Denise is not around. And it's not going to take you a week of scrubbing. You need the right chemicals. But it must be pretty bad. Yeah, but it's probably gonna take you a week of scrubbing. You need to rest chemicals. But it must be pretty bad. Yeah, but it's probably like that, like deep marker kid Sharpie, the thick ones,

that's just really stained. It's not stained forever. I can send you guys a picture so you guys can see. Yeah, I'd like to see some photos. Yeah, I can email a picture over to you guys. But I see what you guys are saying. And what do you think of this? I know exactly. She doesn't of this? I know exactly.

She doesn't like it. I know exactly when I could get in there. I think it's a great idea to get rid of the stain. When could you get in there? Just because now I'm invested in the store. Right. Well, she has certain times of the day where she goes and works with other students.

So I have the library to myself. So I could just try to work as fast as I could. Yes. But Jesus Christ, Hannah, it's like a heist movie. You can't get caught. You can't get caught. You can't be three quarters of the way through and she walks in and you're on your knees with gloves on.

That's a nightmare. She might kill you. Well, she's... But... Yeah. She signed me up to finish the yearbook, so I have to be there after school. So I could do it then. And she leaves when the bell rings?

Yes. That's your move. Okay. When she's gone and you know she's gone and you're there for yearbook, get this stuff and you don't stop until it's done. And guess what your kids can do? Hang out. Yeah, I would sneak it in that day.

I would have your husband help. I would have anybody you can recruit, not through the school that Denise doesn't have to know. And then I would leave behind some flowers and a note that said, sorry, this took so long. I'm sorry this happened. It will not happen again. All the best, Hannah. And then when she brings it up,

you just play nice a couple times, you kill her with kindness, and you move on. But we have to write the wrong on this one, because Denise seems petty, and she's not gonna let it go. This is also employer-employee shit. This isn't like a person in your personal life, and you've gotta kind of mend the fence.

This is like, you just gotta get through a certain amount of time. As well as we need you to get those 300 hours. Yeah, that's what I mean. It's like, you've got a destination. Like, this does end. So, that's, that I think is the best thing. You know how you could make it fun?

You, your husband, and the kids all wear camouflage or all wear all black like burglar clothes. And you do it like it's a... Paper. Yes. And it's, you've got to be done by, so the kids are in, nobody can catch us. We have to get everything off and it's got to be perfect. Or here's the way to make it fun. You clean it, you don't leave a note. Then you never mention it. I'm going to separate from

Jake on this. I think you want the credit because I think it helps you with her. Cause you don't want her to think like you had nothing to do with it. I think I would attach the two. I do like the cat burglar pitch. Can she stay mad with no stain? Yes, she can. Yes, she will. Yes. I gotcha.

You think the pettiness would go, I gotcha. Yes, I think she, this is not about the stain. This is about the mustard. Yes. I think she this this is not about the stain. Yeah, this is about the mustard Right. Yeah, this is how you get the mustard off of that. Yeah, that's right. That's interesting I don't think you're wrong actually So I but I do like the pitch of being like pitched to your kids that you're gonna do like a cap Oh, yeah, you're gonna sneak in these things. We're gonna put black hats on We're gonna set a timer and we're gonna set a timer, and we're gonna, as a family,

get this stain up as quick as possible. And then I would do the leave behind. A flower, like some cookies, something like that. Now you talk for a little bit and let us know what you're thinking. I think it's honestly a great idea. Because just like you're saying, it wipes the slate clean. And just like, letting her know, yes, it was me. I think it's a great idea to come in and make it fun.

Mm-hmm. And I think also if something happens in the future, it does back me up by saying, hey, I made that wrong, right? Yeah. Exactly. You're looking for the reset. You're looking for the reset. And I also agree when you say, this isn't an employee situation.

There's going to be an end point. So honestly, I'm gonna take your guys' advice because I've been doing this in September and I feel like I've just been run over and I think this is a great start. Yeah. You know what I gotta this is a great start. Yeah. You know what I gotta say, Hannah? Yeah.

Season two, Gareth and I are giving great advice. We're good. I'm a little worried. I think the bottom's gonna drop out. We just are. The bottom's gonna drop out. This is not the moment for us to be bragging. I know.

But she just said she was at the end of the line. She felt emotional. This was helping. Who are we, man? I don't know. We're becoming good advice guys. I don't like it. It's not good. I'm going to back off.

I'm feeling too confident. I would take some dog shit and rub it on that. Put a little dog shit on it. Have you ever thought of Parmesan in the floor? Listen, Jake, I got to tell you, someone came to my show and brought me a thing of Parmesan to sign for their kid. So, Hannah, I think this is gonna work. I do too.

I think it's, yeah. It's definitely the right way to start. Yeah, and then will you take a couple of pics of the you guys in the burger clothes cleaning it up, some before and afters and then what are you gonna leave in the note what's the note gonna say probably I'm so sorry it took so long to clean up I hope this starts your year good oh like that I like that I got a pitch. Go for it. Yeah. Hopefully this new floor means a new start.

I really appreciate everything you've done for me. I really like that. I like it. I also a little bit hate it as did this. She likes it. What is your pitch? Hannah likes it. My pitch would be, I think I've been on my knees enough for you, bitch. Time for you to get down here too.

Come in the mud with me, baby. How about roses are red, violets are blue. The floor looks good. Now. Fuck you. How about this? You clean it up in the next day with marker you write, fuck you, Denise. If you get the stain up with marker you write fuck you Denise Fuck you Denise on the floor the day you quit Fuck you bitch By the way, this is what happens when you compliment our advice now like everything Hannah Thank you so much for the god, please follow up

But please send some pics on what's going on with us. And I do think the note should be really clean, really quick. I don't think it should be overly, you know, I'm such a great person. Denise has a hard on for you. So all we're looking to do is we're just looking for a ceasefire. We're just saying like, hey, she went sideways. Take it easy. Thanks so much for your time, you guys she got, she went sideways. Yeah. I can do that. Take it easy. Thanks so much for your time, you guys. Yeah, thank you for the call.

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$45 up from payment required equivalent to $15 a month. New customers on first three month plan only. Speed slower above 40 gigabytes on unlimited plan. Additional taxes, fees, and restrictions restrictions apply see Mint Mobile for details. Hello. Hello. How are you? Hi. What's happening? How are you guys? Good. Can we get your name please? Yeah I'm gonna go by Payton for this call. Payton? Like Payton Manning? Hayden. Close enough. What is the one you're saying you want to go at? Like Hayden? Yeah, kind of, but with a P.

Oh, is this a name? You just making up words? It's good enough. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, so. It's fine. Well, hold on, just real quick.

It's fine to make up a fake name on the show without... That's totally okay to do. But by the way, it is wild. It's not fully made up. But why are you... It is a name from one of my favorite podcasts uh okay it doesn't happen to be yours well first of all whatever yeah um but also next time jeff is fine go ahead jake keep the intro going made up name i'm gonna go with mulak i'd like to be called isshkurn. So Payton. Ushkurn Moolak.

How old are you, sir? Thirty. Thirty. And what's the podcast you like that you were telling us about? Yeah, what's your other lever? This will actually play into it a little bit. It's called Dungeons and Daddies. My nipples just got hard.

You're back, Payton. So Payton. Welcome back. Dungeons and Daddies, bitch. My nipples just got hard. You're back, Payden. So, Payden. Well, you wait. Welcome back. Dungeons and Daddies, sir. Sorry that we insulted your name, my hee-she. Sire Payden. Yeah, my apologies. I'm nothing but a slob. So, please, sir Payden, will you tell us what the issue is today? Yeah, my wife is what I would say an avid reader of smut books. So last year she read probably

over 150 books in total. And I can't necessarily say that that fully plays into our bedroom life, but one thing that has come up is That she wants to call me daddy in bed And this makes me uncomfortable Because I have a son Like to call me daddy. I get it man Having kids changes the terms, doesn't it? Yeah, I don't love it. Let's give her a name.

Should we call her Pistar? Pistar is good, but Beverly would be better in this scenario. So Beverly, we're calling her. So when you say smut books, what are these books Beverly is reading and how did she start? What's going on? It's exactly what you think it is. It's, it's very sexually heavy books. Okay.

Um, I believe the main series is a court of thorn and roses that most people start with. Um, but yeah, she's fully involved in it. She goes to book clubs for it and all of her friends are into it too. Fun. So yeah, it's good for her and it's, you know, it's good for us, but I, uh, I don't necessarily need to be called daddy in bed. Okay.

So just to be clear, I think you guys might be able to help me. I think we can too, but just to be clear, slow down, slow down. Coming up with a few different names. Slow down daddy, slow down. Yeah, come on baby, come on baby. Hey, I barely know you. We gotta take a step back before we get to pitching different names, but we will end up there. So, she's into these smut books, and it is good for you guys. So most of the thing, it has sparked some more fun in the bedroom.

Things are going well. Is that correct? Yes. How old's the kid you got? Yeah, I can't deny that. You got one or two kids? Yeah, how old's the kid? One kid.

He's about to be three. About to be three. Okay, great. So a three-year-old baby and you guys are still finding it. So God bless these books Yeah, I can give you that and so when did the nickname daddy start? Was there one before before these books? Did she call you something else? Trying to get a sense of for your son, too Yeah, I'm trying to get a sense of who Beverly was in the sack before these books

I Think there's that's kind of part of the problem is there's been nothing good before that either I got you. You know, I don't I don't necessarily Feel as if any name that normal people call me is is good to me So you don't like I don't like nicknames. I don't like my name necessarily being used or, or like generally names that other people in my life, but are using. That was the problem initially was that your, this name was sort of something that your

son calls you. That's what makes it weird. If we found one that maybe wasn't- Yeah, so even before that, it was like, even my normal name is not necessarily my favorite thing. Are you gonna be okay if we come up with another pitch for her to call you something, or are you looking to get completely off the nickname train?

That's right. No, I'm A-'m a okay finding something else. Give me, give me a little taste of this though. When did daddy start? Uh, barely. I want to say fairly recently, like within the last year. Okay. Um, and it's something that, that she and her friends agree is, is pretty hot, but to me it just doesn't get the wheels turning. I get it. And there's a certain point where I asked her to try it out because I could tell she was holding back and it just, like she said, she could say it in her head and all of that.

But there's a point where she's holding back and that's not cool either. So I hear what you're saying. You're a sensitive creature. I like that. I'm a better son. Yes. Yeah. Okay.

This is interesting. Yeah. They're just looking for something neutral and natural and here's. It's interesting. natural and here's it's it's hard because daddy is a very daddy's a go-to and but I think you were alluding to the fact Jake that it does change when you have yeah it kind of called daddy by a child yeah no it takes you out of it and then you hear it your first thought is what can I get for you? Well, and the, you know, look, I mean, you've gotta be locked in.

In order for all the mechanisms to be firing on all cylinders, you've gotta remain locked in. And part of that is the head game. So you can't be sitting there doing the business thinking about how daddy is kind of bothering you. So what we basically have to do is pitch some alts, but I also think I have a way to pitch them. That's maybe not just, maybe not the way

to just sit her down and go, hey daddy's like an issue for me. You wanna hear my pitch on that? Yeah. Okay. Of course. I think you should write a romance Short for her that involves you two and Maybe highlights that that name doesn't work for the character you're playing in for Payden in the story

And then we come up with a banger pitch at the end Yeah, I actually think that would probably really do it for it. Make it erotic too. It's an erotic story. Yeah, I'm really bad at conversation written down. But I think I could find some something. But you could even read one of her romance chapters where the pork, it starts and just feel like, just kind of paying by numbers at a little.

Well, Payton, let me ask you a question about Beverly. So she's talking to her girlfriends. They're all saying daddy's pretty hot. You can tell she's holding it back. You say, try it. It's really working for her. It's really not working for you. Is there a vibe that we can switch it to your last name,

like a Mr. Blank or even a Sir? Because it's- That's actually one of the top ones on there, and I've had small conversations with my wife about this, but some of the other top ones are Mr. and Sir. Mr. Sir's weird. And unfortunately, yeah, well, they get weirder to like Master and stuff like that.

But we also use- Stop making that face so much, Gareth. I'm just- Oh no. It's a subtle thing, Gareth. I'm not hating it. You made nine faces in three seconds. Because something happened to me. Master, yep, yep. We all know you like to get, ooh, yep, yep, yep. Something happened to me. Something happened to me.

Okay, Gareth. I like it. If you need book recommendations, I have someone for you. So here's where, Baiton, here's where I think we're going to, because we could pitch the idea of writing something or getting out of it, but here's where I think the rubber is going to meet the road on this one. And tell me if I'm wrong, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going

to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say think we're going to, cause we could pitch the idea of writing something or getting out of it, but here's where I think the rubber is going to meet the road on this

one. And tell me if I'm wrong. I think what she's looking for you in the sack in terms of a name is a position of power. And I think that position of power is not what you're looking for. I don't know if I fully agree with that. I agree with the statement on what she's looking for. I disagree with the statement on what I'm looking for. But the reason that sir and mister is weird is because we actually use those for our son. And that happened before

she started reading these books too. You call him Mr. Whatever. We, yeah. And yeah. And, and we call him sir, pretty, you know, sarcastically, formally. I got, so I got a question for you. And those are just connected to this. Okay. So then let me go to you for a second as a man who loves D and D as a man who

doesn't mind this position of power in the sexual dynamics. Now it's not a comfortable question from man to man to ask each other this, but what do you find really sexy in your role in the sack? Like if you were really giving it to your wife and she was doing great and deep down you're like, I am a fucking silverback, I am that man, I am an animal. What's your vision of this? Silverback is so bad. What's that? Call fucking silverback. I am that man. I am an animal. What's your vision of that?

What's that? Call me silverback. Call me Coco, the gorilla from the San Diego. Call me Jake's yard. But what is that version to you? You know, what is something, what do you think is the epitome of a sexual man? Well, I can't say that on, on any sort of circumstance for anyone else, but for

us, we do definitely have one of those more dominant and submissive type relationships in bed. And that's what you guys like. Yeah. And so there is a certain level of, of commanding that I have and submissiveness that she has. So those types of names would be okay. But the challenge that we've come across is the fact that I guess all of the normal ones are, are.

Connected to your son. Inside our household. Yeah. Okay. I, are frequently used inside our household. Yeah. Okay. I understand. What about... We might have to get a little creative, you know?

Yes. When you play D&D, who's your favorite character to play? I normally play like different types of creatures. And that sounds weird because I'm not even remotely involved in that type of sexual world, but I've only ever played a black panther and a little white fox. And a little white what?

Fox? Fox. Give it to me little white fox. Give it to me little white fox. Yeah, I don't want to get into the fuck me black panther, I'll fuck your little white fox. It just gets to the point I don't feel comfortable with. Come on little white fox. A little white fox about to finish. Here's the issue that I'm bumping against.

You don't like role playing, but you don't like daddy, Mr. Sir, or master. So, and you've, it's gotta also work for her because we can't get too goofy. Yeah. Because then she'll be like, it's funny, but this isn't a joke. Yeah. Master, master to me, like there's something good about that one, but go ahead, keep going. I got a pledge. What about something like officer? That's why I was kind of trying to incorporate, like, some...

Not costume, but there's... But close! Yes. Like you're, like, in charge. Leader. Yes, professor. I kind of like professor and I don't know why No, but here's what's up to you you pitching things that you would be into trying and

Then the second thing is is we got to get her on board, too But if she's liking the idea of this thing You don't have to do a full role play that you pretend you're teaching a class and blah, blah, blah, but you could start with the idea of professor and see where it kind of starts. And once you're in it, you're in it. She's just looking for something to say. I think also, right, if your dynamic while you're doing it

is that you're kind of in the driver's seat, can you not just while you're doing it is that you're kind of in the driver's seat. Can you not just while you're doing it kind of give her that correction in a dominant sort of way that maybe is a turn on as well? That's interesting. That was kind of the plan I just needed to come like that was ultimately my plan was to stop calling me daddy I'm the professor. Yeah. I just needed to come up with a better name. Yes. I like the romance book idea too though. Like both of those are very viable options, especially if I introduced

it in a short story and. Peyton, I like what you're saying. I like what you're saying a lot. So if you wrote something about a professor and the student and in the end of it, the sex act that they did was very much what you and your wife like. Ooh, how about the story, right? Is almost ellipsed at the end

by the sexual position the professor takes her in. And as the story ends and she's finishing reading it, you immediately go and sort of start the real life version of it from where the story leaves off. But by the way, I actually think this is kind of nice because then you're getting into the game that you're creating and it's really fun for her and you're doing it through the language she likes these books.

And in it, the character can have a certain disdain for the term daddy. Yes. And so she can be thinking it, which could be turning her on, but she knows she's not allowed to say it, which could be hotter for her. She does think it does. I don't want to hear it. Yeah. But she's allowed to think. I agree. But she is not allowed to say it. May I say what? How do you feel about that, Payden?

I think that honestly might work really well. And how do you feel about that, Payden? I think that honestly might work really well. How do you feel about writing this out? Do you feel like you can sink your teeth into this operation? This show is so weird here. That might be the more difficult side of it for me, but I think I could come up with something, especially, like you said, if I mirror it off of what she's been reading. If you started it with just like, if it was just like, whatever, like something like it was a late night and at that night, you know, she'd been working hand in glove with him over the past couple of weeks and their relationship had recently turned sexual.

She was hoping it would happen again that night. And then it's like once- Or it had to start, or Gareth, this is the first night. Or yes, she was, but yes, she was pining for it. yes She was hoping it was gonna happen, but she felt you know her dream Oh, yes, as much as she wanted it to happen. She didn't know. I mean the professor was married whatever Something like that and then you could even start the sexual part of the fantasy and she says daddy Yes, I agree. But also she had to She had to bring herself back to his office

Yes late at night for something and she heard something in the hallway and right and then in the hallway you make a sound And then when it says like this is how I would end it I would end it with like he told her not to call him daddy. He didn't like that He was a professor. That was the name. And then you sort of go like, you know, he started to kiss her or he immediately, you know, whatever it is. And then you start doing that last part. And that's when the story ends and the actual sex begins. The foreplay. Yeah, I honestly think that would work really well. I think it'd be really nice. And then can you do us a favor?

After you've, no. After you've written it, can you record it as a voice note and send it to us so we can play it at the end of this with just you reading it from top to bottom? And that can be the button of this little episode? Yeah, I can give that a go. Thank you.

And then will you follow up with us? Please. Yes, well, certainly. I think this is going to work, man. I think I do too. I think it's a good it's a good way in her wheelhouse to give this little nudge. I think it's going to lead to a really fun period and probably baby number two for you guys. Yeah. just don't call it the professor. But you know. Listen man, we appreciate the call and truly when you're done, just record yourself saying it and sending it. I think it'd be a really fun ending for everyone to then be able to hear the call leading up to that. You know, hearing being able to hear the book from you, then the end. I think it'd be fun. Yep. Yeah. Yeah, I can do that.

Thanks, my man. Hey, good luck. Thanks, buddy. Thanks, buddy. Thank you, guys. All right. Bye. Bye.

Bye. I wanna call you Daddy. The last word came out as a whisper as she looked away from him. He froze for a moment, his gaze darkening as her words hung in the air. Slowly his lips curled into a faint, knowing smile, one that sent a shiver down her spine. Daddy, he repeated, the word rolling off his tongue as if testing its weight. His other hand came to rest on the small of her back, pulling her closer.

Is that what you've been holding back? The thing you couldn't say? She nodded, unable to meet his eyes. He exhaled a low, shamed sigh, leaning in so his lips brushed against the shell of her ear. That's cute, he grumbled, his voice dripping with authority. But that's not what you'll call me. She gasped softly as his hand tightened on her waist, his warmth

intensifying against her skin. You'll call me professor. Hey, everyone, this is producer Natalie here. Just wanted to let you know that the next follow-up is from episode 121, Very Important Pigs with Steve Berg in case you want to go back and listen to that one again. This episode of We're Here to Help is brought to you by Booking.com. Booking.yeah. Listen, every time I use Booking.com to find a place to stay, I know they have exactly

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Find exactly what you're booking for on booking.com Booking dot. Yeah This episode is brought to you by Quip. Love Quip, okay? I actually started using Quip fairly recently. I had a brush that took batteries, but there are a lot of advantages to Quip that you just can't beat. Quip 360 is a bold, simple design, comes in multiple colors, ultra quiet for super clean

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that Squarespace is the easiest place to build a website and you can create great, beautiful sites. My website is Squarespace and the easiest place to build a website and you can create great, beautiful sites. My website is Squarespace and I love it. I've used Squarespace for I don't even know how long, like almost 10 years I would guess. They give you an ability to offer payments. It's the easiest way. You've got simple, fast onboarding.

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problem was you called with? And we'll see if we can even remember what we told you to do. Of course. My name is Matthew Cheeseman. I'm a friend of Mikey who called in maybe September, October and we had the giant inflatable pig. Yeah. We're looking for a way to monetize it. Yes, I remember this. You guys had a house, you bought a bunch of these big animals, you could blow air into it.

I think a big gorilla, like big inflatable. You got it, yeah. Hugely inflatable. And we were talking about throwing a VIP party. Two, 35 foot tall, yeah, exactly. That was your recommendation, which was a great recommendation. Yeah, 35 foot tall. Yeah, exactly. That was your recommendation, which was a great recommendation. So we have two 35 foot tall gorillas and one 25 foot tall pig.

And what kind of damage did you guys pay for this? It was around 10,000 bucks, right? Something like that. That was the price for 15 of them from this crazy guy out in Nanaimo, which is on an island off of Vancouver. And we negotiated for three of them and brought a case of cash over to them. Great. So you got those two three for 10 grand. We negotiated for fewer of them for the same cause.

Good for you. Well done. We ended up three for three thousand. That's a good deal. So you were throwing parties and we basically said turn the inside because you can get into them. Turn the inside into sort of a VIP experience, charge a little money for that and yeah. So what happened? So what's the update? Well we took your idea and we've run with it in a couple different directions. We have had a couple of success stories. I want to go over the successes of The Inflatable since we last spoke.

In the newspaper, we've had a couple hits. We had an exciting double feature around Halloween. Wow. You were in the newspaper? Oh, yeah. Can you an exciting double feature around Halloween. Wow. Wait, you were in the newspaper? Oh yeah. Can you send us clip-ins? Slow news.

Absolutely. It's a small local. It cares. I would imagine. The New York Times. No. It was a small local paper, but we set up the gorilla for Halloween

for like a kid's party, and then we set up the pig for a solar festival around Halloween. So we got in the October edition. And then also around Halloween, we put out an ad, very inspired by your guys' pitch. And I think the best response was a guy over Facebook that was willing to drop, I'm going to say about $500 for like two weeks of renting these things and us going and setting it up and all that.

Because he wanted to win a $10 gift card that a street gives out for a decorations contest among all the neighbors. This guy's doing well financially. Yeah, he's doing really well financially. That's kind of our target demographic. And then the date to really put in your calendars where I think we put the VI pig experience into motion is

March 1st. And the reason is it's twofold. First is that that's International Pig Day. And secondly, we figure you're then 15 days out from Valentine's Day, single people, they're back on the horse, they've got their motivation again. And so we're thinking it's like a mixer experience in the pig, where maybe you've got sort of anonymous submissions. If you and another person both agree, then you can maybe make your way into the pig for more private learning. That's nice.

But let's also enjoy the fact... You go in the pig. That's nice. But let's also enjoy the fact. Let's enjoy the fact that outside of this call hearing, maybe you go inside the pig for a mixer wouldn't make a lot of sense. But in here. Correct. Correct. Correct.

How about if two people get together and start their relationship in the pig. That's what I was going to say. A little balance wine's day. Well, that's what we're going for. I think you could hit that. We're looking for like wedding toasts that we're eventually delivering. little balance wine's day. That's what we're going for. We're looking for wedding toasts that we're eventually delivering where we put these people together.

When I was inside of that pig kissing you, I knew you were the one. How about this? You do a singles mixer inside the pig and then if two people hit it off, they can pay $20 to go have a half hour in the VI pig. Right. Perfect.

Perfect. So I think the mixer is happening sort of, because I will say it's not an enormous space in there. The mixer is happening like around the pig. And then if it's indicated by both parties that there's interest, then yeah, they get the VI pig experience where they go inside the blower's, you know, making a bunch of noise. So the, the outside party maybe isn't hearing what's happening in there. Blowers always make it a lot.

Don't say that. It ruins the romance. I was about to pitch that in, you know, what we could tap into here, Matthew, is that in the pig, there's a great photo you could take of people kissing. One of your, one of you guys's job could be to hold one of their phones so that they have like the Insta snap that it's like this is like the angel wings where the wind is going in the pig, go in here for five bucks. You get your picture But it's a great page. We call it the picture. Yes, you call it the picture

The picture the picture is like I like a kind of a cool cash at a festival city Yeah, yeah, but yes and rather than making it exclusive everybody can go but there is a line. I love it. And you don't let people in there. So if there's no line, you make people wait. So it feels like there's a line. That's good too. Nice. Really?

It's like, it's like when Busters was $5. You got the swine line for the picture. Okay, great. So we've got, we've got the picture picture slime light. We have the original VIP experience. Yes. You guys are giving us a lot to work with. Well, you guys are doing good work. You guys are building it out. So the $3,000 on a couple pigs. So, you know, yeah, yeah. He sounds like you're talking about our Las Vegas trip, baby. Hey, we're here to help. We'll be right back. That was 1957. I spent $3,000 on a couple of pigs in Reno.

$3,000 on a couple of pigs in all, like I was a pig-tch. It was disgusting. I was, and so were the pigs. So this is a great big win, and there's gonna be another one after March when you call back. Will you send us, we can put it on, we don't have to see it now, but we'll connect the newspaper clip-ins and if you make an advertisement for March 1st,

let us know and then maybe we can get some of those posted pictures and put those on too. I think we could definitely put it on the socials and help a little bit, you know? You guys are your heroes for that. We really appreciate all the support. Yeah, well, I'll send you all our various advertisements. Great.

And then keep up the good work. You guys seem to be doing important stuff out there. Absolutely. I can't imagine Canada surviving without you people out there. So keep us posted Yeah Keep us posted and again congratulations Thanks so much. Yeah, have a great day guys. You appreciate it. Bye

Bye. I should ring the bell on that one agreed. Yes Now it's on Now it's over. Now the call's over. I would say a lot of these follow-ups have been recently. What do you think our numbers are for real, Gareth? And don't think what you did last time. Jake. Where are we really at?

Percentage-wise. I mean, I don't think it's even an opinion piece. I think we are... I don't want to rock it, but I think we're at 100%. We've been hitting pretty hard lately. I think we're at 75%. What do you think? I think we're at 100. I don't think we've missed.

No, but I think the people we've missed with haven't followed up. Well, they don't count. They're dead dudes. No, but I mean this seriously. What do you actually think our number is? Because you know we're not at 100, but we are also not at like 40 or 30 anymore. I think 85.

I love it. Is my conservative. Yeah, Jesse, I know you're new to the show, but what do you think the hit rate is of actually helping people? And the help can be small. So far this season, it's 100 of the people that have followed up.

Season two has been 100. People are enthusiastic. They're really taking your words to heart. Yeah, well we're here to help. See, we told them we were gonna leave them So far this season, it's 100 of the people that have followed up. Season two has been 100. People are enthusiastic. They're really taking your words to heart. Yeah. Well, we're here to help. See, we told them we were going to leave them and they got scared and now nobody will tell us we failed them, which I love.

I love creating that environment of fear. You know what? We've created a dysfunctional relationship. They're afraid we're going to go. We have the power, so it's fine for us. That's true. Okay. It's working right now.

Yeah. We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question at helpfulpod at gmail.com. And if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here to Help, you can go to our Patreon at patreon.com slash here to help pod to see our entire catalog. We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grimm Productions, executive producers Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter and Natalie Hollis, associate producer Jesse Thurston, editing, mix and master by Chris Fowler.

Theme song by Oliver Raleigh, the cover artwork is by James Fostike, animations by Andrew Stralecki, and if you'd like to see Gareth do stand up on the road, go to garethrentholds.com. Remember all of the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions. All video episodes of season one are available now on Patreon and season two video episodes will be available every Monday starting January 20th. Go to patreon.com forward slash here to help pod. Hi, I'm Caleb Herron, host of the So True podcast

now on HeadGum. Every week me and my guests get into it and we get down to what's really going on. I ask them what's so true to them, how they got to where they are in life, a bunch of other questions, and we also may or may not test their general trivia knowledge,

whether it's one of my sworn enemies like Brittany Broski or Drew Fualow, or my actual biological mother, Kelly, my guests and I are just after the truth. And if we find it great, and if not, no worries. So subscribe to So True on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Pocket Casts, or wherever you get your podcasts, and watch video episodes on the So True with Caleb Heron YouTube channel. New episodes drop every Thursday. Love ya!