We're Here to Help - 15: Dougie McBuckets

Episode Date: October 5, 2023

Jake and Gareth talk to callers about a dirty house, dating, and committing to a nickname.  Want to call in? Email your question to [e-mail]. If you’re enjoying the show, make sure to rate We’re Here to Help 5-Stars on Apple Podcasts. Follow the show on Instagram @HereToHelpPod and TikTok also at @HereToHelpPodSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

I'm going to do the theme live so I don't have to put it in post. So you can just start after I play it. Okay. You're listening to We're Here to Help. Hosted by Jake Johnson and fat Aaron Paul. Go Bears. You know, it seemed like the new beginning it seemed crazy that that gevin was like i was like why is he gonna play the intro

live it doesn't take much to cut it in but i don't know if you notice there's a difference in the intro well that's our new intro the music by oliver raleigh the voiceover by dustin rubin and we have a great episode today we're really excited but the intro is i ialeigh, the voiceover by Dustin Rubin, and we have a great episode today. We're really excited about it. But the intro is, I'm flagging the intro is problematic for me. Why? Well, there's the, I mean, let's start with the fat Aaron Paul. That's not, I'm not looking to wear that often,

especially after coming back from eating. Gareth, you should know that that wasn't a commission, that Dustin just emailed the show and did that on his own stop listening to the show we don't want you to listen we're not right jake i think we can both agree we're not looking for that kind of input oh i think we love what dustin did that made me hard laugh kevin and i were cracking damn it you see me dancing to the intro for a minute and then I'm going, wait, that's

What I love is right before Kevin goes, we're going to do the intro live because I said, like, let's get away to have Gareth hear this. And he goes, I have a plan. And you just went like, yeah, I guess we're doing the intro. Well, I think it's easier for Kevin to just play it live. All right, look, we don't want to spend

all day on how that intro is garbage and nobody should send us that sort of stuff. We have a great episode. And again, I'm going to lose 10 to 15 real quick. We have a three call episode. Yes. And I guess we don't really need to get into too much detail. We you know, we do here. We solve problems.

We thank everybody for sharing the show. We thank you for listening. And that's kind of where we wanted to end. We don't need you to follow through further. So we're from Jake Johnson, Fat Aaron Paul. No, no, no, no, no, that's not. Hello. Hello there. Welcome. Welcome to the podcast. We're here to help and we're here to help. So can I get your your uh your name your age where you're calling from anything you think is important my name is jc i'm 41 and i i'm in maine i love maine jake like maine i think maine's cool i like this set of jc 41 maine i think we have a good start jc

what's the uh issue today so i emailed in uh I have these two friends that I see every Sunday night. I go over there. We get takeout. We watch TV. It's a little bit of a tradition. And I've been going over there for a while now. I used to work with one of the guys. We were best friends at work and I wanted to stay friends.

So we started this tradition where I go over every Sunday night and hang out with him and the guys. We were best friends at work and I wanted to stay friends. So we started this tradition where I go over every Sunday night and hang out with him and his husband. They have a very nice house. They're about my age and they both have good jobs and they have nice things. Quick pause, JC. What are the names of these two men? First year work buddy. What's his name? I'm going gonna use a pseudonym so let's call him let's call him lem and his husband charles sorry sorry i'm not we're not here to do pseudonym criticism that is not the show but but just to to like a gun on your hip have the name lem is shocking it's shocking it's shocking well you're our smartest caller because you said

pseudonym rather than fake name yeah and then you go with lem yeah which makes us think you might be a time trap when was lem a do you know it was the first name that came to my mind shocking jc this is a shocking start this is we don't want to divert into why did Lem just happen, but no. But we're back now. Okay, so you go to Lem and Charles' house every Sunday night, and then where are we? Yeah.

So it's a very nice house. It's not clean. So they have a dirty home. They have a dirty home. So, like, if you're in the dining room, there's all these beautiful books on a shelf you pick up a book and it is coated in dust um the floor is dirty like surfaces are dusty now hold on jc let me interrupt for hold on hold on is it a little dirty and dusty or is it a

fucking pigsty because that's different it's tidy it's hard to explain it's tidy but it's clear that they don't clean regularly okay so none of that matters to me because it's their life i don't care the issue is i'm there for a couple of hours every sunday at some point i have to use the guest bathroom. The bathroom is filthy. So the toilet is not clean. There's skid marks. There's hair. The sink is dirty.

The hand towel is stiff and kind of crunchy. So it's not replaced regularly. Clearly, they don't use this bathroom themselves. I understand the pseudonyms now. Now I understand why you don't want these two to hear about this but i don't think it should be lemon charles it should be like alan joe like lemon charles i didn't expect this call to end up with a filthy bathroom yeah lemon charles or the name should be jake Gareth. That's much better. That's better. That's much better for an abandoned guest bathroom.

If we were a couple in Maine, our guest bathroom would be disgusting. We would have wrestling matches of who would have to clean it. And we'd be like, I did it last year, you asshole. There's like a raccoon living in the tub. We just name it. Yeah. So, JC, the guest bathroom is disgusting. Yeah, it's dirty.

I mean, you know, and it's... I mean, skid marks and hairs is disgusting. Yeah, it's abandoned. That's disgusting. That's abandoned. Yeah. That's an outhouse. Yes, yeah.

They probably don't know they have a bathroom there. They're like, oh, yeah. It's just open to. Yes. Yeah. They probably don't know they have a bathroom there. They're like, oh, yeah. It's just open to the sky. Yeah. And I'm like, should I say something? Like, I guess one of my rights as a guest, like, do I bring my own towel? Okay. I get the problem.

JC, this is a great problem. You can't bring your own towel. I'm nixing that right off the bat. So just to jump into it, JC, do you mind if I paraphrase and tell me if I'm right on this? You got two friends you really love, you care about. In order to maintain the friendship, every Sunday night you have a tradition. You go over there, you eat, you watch some TV. Their house is a little bit dirty, but their guest bathroom is utterly disgusting. And the question today is, do you have the right to say something?

Do you do anything or do you just deal with it? Is that correct? That's correct. Yeah. Interesting. It's an interesting problem. Well, it's one of those things where I feel like... So you definitely feel like they would be offended by bringing it up? I'll answer for her. Yes. answer yes yes yeah i would imagine most people could you imagine gareth if somebody came to your house and said hey if i bring my own towel in a bucket i can piss in because your bathroom's disgusting you'd be offended it's it's offensive all right well jake uh good pushback no one wants to hear they're dirty you know well this is what

uh jc do you do you have a disposable income? Do you have a little money to fuck around with? Yeah. Really curious where you're going with this. I would think that for a birthday or a special occasion or something, you could... This is coming out of my mouth. I can tell Jake's going to rip me apart like a wolf.

If you're talking about hiring a cleaning service. I think you could hire a maid. I think you could hire a maid or a cleaning service. No way. And frame it in some way of like, I know you guys are busy. All right, hold on, hold on. Gareth, do the framing to me.

Pretend you came to my house. Okay, I'm going to, this is going to go bad, but I don't mind walking into the room. Actually try, let's see what happens oh happy birthday jake thanks uh thanks again yeah it's getting older it's what a nightmare man i know yeah we all are you looking at mirrors more wrinkles than there were before that's right you have a necklace on in real life in terms of the mirror let's just stay let's stay in the pretend um and i was saying before you you look like a DJ from Finland.

Because you have red hair, your bangs are down. Let's just move on. Can I talk about your birthday that's happening? Please, I'd love it. Jake, in Maine? Thank you. Gosh, so I was trying to think of what to get you, because you have so much. I mean, you have such a lovely home and all that.

And a friend of mine told me about a cleaning service that they got. And these people did an amazing job. I just used them. I love them. So I thought I'd just get them for you because I know you guys are so busy. I thought maybe they could just come over. They'll do a few hours, maybe go to that guest bathroom. I don't know.

I'm not saying that specifically. But just sort of do their thing. You want to hire me a maid, Gareth? Yeah, well, I got you i got i mean yeah i think my house is dirty i don't think your house is dirty i just know how annoying it can be why would you hire me a maid do you think just because you're so busy your guest bathroom is great i love it this is a friendship ender i think i think the way it just played out i can see him being pretty receptive jake was pushing he got personal no I was listening for a while and I was excited and I thought you were going to

win. Okay. All right. You've walked me through yours. What's yours? I think in this situation, I think a maid is really nice. I don't know how you navigate that. I think if somebody offered me a maid for my house, even if in the moment I went, oh my God, JC, thank you. I would feel offended. I would feel like, Jesus God, my bathroom must be a nightmare. I think if I'm you, if you value the friendship, which it sounds like you do, I would empty the tank before you get there. I would watch my liquid intake. But now she has to live like she's on a flight for the rest of her Sunday. Guess what? It happens. You know what? You go to a concert and they have those disgusting porta potties. You know what I do? I don't go You know what? You go to a concert and they have those disgusting port-a-potties.

You know what I do? I don't go in them. If you go to a park and there's a disgusting, like, you know, outhouse in the back, you can hold it a little bit. I would watch how many drinks you had and watch what you ate and think I

can't hit that bathroom. And I would wear overalls or kind of the kind of pants you don't mind to get out. Now you're now, now you're going no no see what you're gonna show up like it's he all every sunday yes man how y'all doing oh wait how about this can you invite them to your house no i mean it's i live further away there's two of them like we've just been doing this for years it would be really yeah you know those those types of arrangements

this doesn't feel yeah yeah natural to ask. It would be weird. Is it the general house that bothers you or is it really the guest bathroom? Well, I mean, it bums me out that the house is dirty, but like, sure. There's nothing to do.

Yeah, but that just bums you out. It's sitting on a toilet seat. That's gross. Okay, so this, all right, new pitch. Okay. You know what kind of towel they have in the bathroom? Yeah.

Okay, find a lookalike. You do a decoy towel one Sunday, right? You get the little one that looks like it's a teepee out of there. You take that home, you wash it. Then next Sunday, go over there just with a, like, just, again, you have, in your bag, just like a little bit of cleaning product, some sort of rag or some paper towel. You go in there. You bite the bullet. You do a five to ten minute cleaning while they'll think you're up there with maybe some tummy issues.

You do a quick move through it. End it. Get back down there. In two Sundays, you could maybe have it just so it's not bothering you. I think that's interesting because they never go in there. Yeah, clearly. So here's another thing that goes back to maybe the cleaning service, JC. What if you got them like crawling back?

Well, after the Bears lost to the Packers, I'm all turned around. My confidence is at an all time low. Yeah, you're rattled. So here's one move you could maybe do on that what if you found like a gag cleaning service that actually cleans like you know they do they i know there was like signs of like topless women cleaning your house or you know google find something that like they sing while they clean or they dress like characters while they clean. So you're doing it as if it's a gag. And the idea is that you have them come on a Sunday night while you're there. So it feels like a tell it like a singing telegram where

you're like, this is so funny, but they're actually also cleaning and you and then you can apologize for it and go like, I didn't realize it was like this intense of a clean i thought it was like a funny gift but while they're here let's just let them clean because they're i don't hate that i also wouldn't hate the anonymous cleaning service just get them over there let them figure it out on the fly and see if they're just like who the hell would do that for us and they they never know. Yeah. So JC, we've given you some interesting ones. Where are you? This isn't the end necessarily, but where are you kind of at?

What's your instinct saying? I am leaning towards not drinking any water on Sundays anymore. I don't want to clean up someone else's pubes on a Sunday night. Agreed. Get in there. By the way, that's a shirt.

That is a shirt. If this podcast has ever had merch, it's that. I don't want to clean up somebody else's pubes on a Sunday night. Okay, keep going, JC. I don't know if I can find a cleaning service where they sing or like a stripper. I don't know if that's where you're going with that. in maine i think that would be hard to find okay so i would be your towards not using the bathroom i think do you you you really don't like the idea of me bringing my own towel as like a passive aggressive move i don't i don't hate it anymore i like that better

than you having to you know cinch yourself you know i i don't like the anymore. I like that better than you having to cinch yourself. You know, I don't like the move. If you're going to someone's house, you're choosing to go bring in a towel just feels kind of like gross. I think you either got to cinch it up, as you say. I think that's a great term. Just zip it up, hold it in. If you got to pretend you're making a call and go squat by a tree outside, or you got to figure out a cleaning service, either anonymous or gag, or you could

pretend they've done something really nice for you and like ask for advice and then say like, as repayment, somebody like my family member gifted me this and I want to gift it to you. You could say like, I just, Oh, I have an idea. What if you said a friend of mine just gifted me something that was so wild, but so nice. They gifted me a free house cleaning and see how they react to that. This is the most options a caller's ever had. So what would you tell, what do you think you're going to tell Jake and Gareth? What do you think you're going to go with? I think I'm going to tell Jake and Gareth. I'm trying not to use the bathroom as much. I'm trying not to pee as much.

And then I think I am going to try. I think that's interesting. Like, Oh, I got this gift for a free house cleaning, but I don't need it. Um, so that seems like a nicer way to get to it.

I think whatever gets a maid in that horrible, horrible room. JC, we appreciate the call, and will you please follow up with us? I will. Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you. Today's episode is brought to you by Babbel.

That's right, Jake. Listen, you know what Babbel is, right? Science-backed language learning app that actually works, which I find to be very important. Science-backed, Jake. Listen, don't bother paying hundreds of dollars for a private tutor.

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And applicable to situations you're going to find yourself in. Yes. When I think back to taking French, it was just so much of it like i'm never going to do that it's like how do you order food how do you get a drink how do you ask for directions but so babble's great now listen listen everybody should we bring him in right one quick pause should we bring in the clothes studies from yale this is interesting michigan state university and others prove that babble is better so one study found that using babbel for 15 hours is equivalent to a full semester at college. So if that's true, which Yale's no joke, it's just putting schooling in a

different light. If you spend 15 hours, let's say you didn't go to college and you always feel like, I don't know. I didn't go to college. 15 hours. You just did a semester. Yeah. That's wild. Yes. That's a wild study. So speaking of language, should we bring in the closer or should I do it? Closer.

All right. Hold on. Let's get him. Kevin. Door's open. Oh, you meant Gil. I meant Kevin. I thought Kevin was going to do it. No, I thought we were talking about the closer.

We were. He parked in front of all our cars, so might as well. We can't leave. Well, what's the problem? Go ahead. So that old jalopy is Gil's? Yes. And you can turn it off, I guess. No, keep it running. It's bad for something. A lot of smoke.

I'm pausing a serious XM. Now listen, here's a special limited time deal for our listeners. Right now, get 55% off your Babbel subscription, but only for our listeners. This isn't for people who don't listen, like Laura from one of the calls earlier. These are standalone? At Babbel.com slash HTH. Jake, let me finish.

Get 55% off Babbel.com slash HTH. Spelled B-A-B-B-E-L dot com slash H-T-H. We're going to watch you to babble. We want you to babble. I'll tell you what. I don't want to babble your ear off. I got to go back to the jalopy. Rules and restrictions.

This episode is brought to you by ZocDoc. ZocDoc is a free app and website where you can search and compare highly rated in-network doctors near you and instantly book appointments with them online. Garth, what does that mean to you? Well, it means a lot because, as you know, my mother was in town for a while. She had a hip replacement, and it was crazy. It was a crazy situation and there were so many times

so many things like complications were popping up and there were multiple times where we wanted to find a doctor appointment quickly, somewhere close. You use ZocDoc. Yeah, you would use ZocDoc because it's just so much harder if you're just like using search engines to try to

find someone. And then you call. Do they take your insurance? Yeah, but the problem also. ZocDoc has filters for all that. The problem with also just searching it is all the ads pop up. Yes. And what I like, I actually use ZocDoc since we started doing it.

I do like that it keeps it really clean and you can put all your information in. Yeah. Did you use ZocDoc for your knee? I did use ZocDoc for my knee i did use zocdoc for my knee which i am going to get an mri on uh but we don't think it's a tear that's the good news but i am going to get an mri oh the doctor report back it's just an old man's knee it's actually pretty much what it sounded like doctor said to me about my hips i'm getting to the point where it's sad when doctors are just like yeah you're just uh he goes I've had a doctor who looked at my body and then went like this. Well, you're mid-40s, yeah?

Ugh, what a jerk. Well, that guy's hopefully not on ZocDoc. But again, it really does. It filters specifically for doctors that take your insurance located near you, treat basically, and again, you can get an appointment quickly. You can also get it same day.

That's absolutely right, Jake, if you're lucky. That's right, Gil Buchanan, ones and twos, 68 balmy. Don't worry about it. That's right. I've been kept in the closet for a while on this show, but I'm back for the ads. Good to see you, brother. You would get a fist bump? Literally never left.

Wherever the best time in the world. Go to ZocDoc.com slash HTH and download the ZocDoc app for free. Did you hear? How much does that cost you? Free. That's right. And then find and book a top-rated doctor today. That's Z-O-C-D-O-C dot com slash H-T-H.

ZocDoc dot com slash H-T-H. Hello. Hello there. How are you? I'm great. How are you? Really good, thank you. We're here to help you with Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds.

Can we get your name, your age, and where you're calling from, and then we'll figure out how to solve a huge issue for you. Yes, my name is Corinne. I'm 27, and I am calling from the Chicagoland area. Corinne, what is your issue today? Why don't you tell us what's going on and we'll try to figure out what we can do for you, if anything. I hope you guys can figure it out because I really don't know what to do. We promise nothing. Read the fine print on the email.

We promise very little. Okay, so I'm 27 and I've been single for a few years and I was really looking forward to living in Chicago and finding love. But instead I found cancer. Oh dear. Yeah, yeah. Really, really crazy. crazy. And I've just been figuring out how to navigate dating and finding a partner while also, you know, trying to stay alive. Wow. Well, first of all, I'll speak for us. All three of us were really sorry about that. And then do you mind if I ask you some questions about the cancer so we can get a picture of where you're at and anything you're not comfortable sharing? Yes. Oh my gosh. I'm

an open book. Ask anything. I love it. What type of cancer do you have and when was it diagnosed? that's sexy. I was diagnosed in January after a colonoscopy where we all thought it was just going to be hemorrhoids or something, but it turned out to be a tumor, unfortunately. But it's not that sexy of a cancer, but there's loads of jokes to unpack. That's for sure. And what has been the process of it? So it's kind of a whirlwind. One day you get a call and then you get 7,500 appointments on your calendar. I've already finished chemotherapy and I am currently in the radiation stage and then to end things up would be a surgery to remove the tumor and then hopefully at that point I would be no evidence of disease. Okay and how are the doctors feeling? What's the kind of what's everybody what are you hearing? What's the kind of, what's everybody, what are you hearing?

It's really positive so far. My body reacted really great to the chemotherapy. So nothing but good signs so far. Okay. Well, that, I think obviously, yeah, I mean, that sounds very difficult. It sounds like you said, I mean, whirlwind sounds like it is an understatement. Now, I obviously is very difficult position, but what is the, if you were to boil down the main problem that you would like us to give you advice on, what would that be? What is the exact question? I guess I really want to know how to navigate dating and finding a partner when you have a lot of complex kind of life changing things going on.

I feel like before I used to be like, oh, my parents are divorced. But now it's like, well totally your laundry list of stories of like well i used to be like this is now different but here's my question are you looking for when you say that is it are you are you looking for advice on a partner are you looking for because you're saying you were in your 20s you were excited to get to chicago and date is part of it you're just looking for a little bit of fun because i'll saying you were in your 20s, you were excited to get to Chicago and date. Is part of it, you're just looking for a little bit of fun? Because I'll tell you what, somebody having cancer, cancer is not contagious. So it's not like if you were doing the same call and you had a contagious disease, I'd be like, that's going to be a pretty tough red flag.

You can't catch cancer by hooking up with someone. That's true. How do you feel? I mean, do you feel like physically, do you feel like you're healthy enough to start dating? I think physically, for the most part, yes. But some days I could sleep 14 hours and some days I don't feel great. I'm not even trying to make a joke. Most days I could sleep 14 hours. So, you know, I don't feel great i'm not even trying to make a joke most days i could sleep 14 hours

so you know that i don't think that's anything that should nix you from dating well this is a difficult one because of many reasons obviously but i think if you feel physically well enough to date you should totally try i mean it might be a but let me just ask let me ask gareth a question here as just a guy to guy for a second if you go on a first date with somebody that you meet on a app you don't have to tell everything right away no so you don't have to lead out with, hey, I'm 27. I'm in the St. Charles area. I'm in Chicago for fun. I have rectal cancer.

Totally. Erase that last part. And if somebody goes like, hey, where were you? We were going to get together on Wednesday and your symptoms are kicking your ass. You're allowed to say, I'm not feeling well today. And the specifics are part of nobody's business. The first few months and weeks of a relationship, you don't even know if you like this guy. And I can guarantee he's not telling you everything. I was just going to say,

you never reveal everything. I think that's a really good point is that, yeah, you just simply don't have to say it. You can just be yourself. I mean, for you, it's like obviously so life-defining right now. But, yeah, I mean, I don't think that's necessarily something you need to get off your chest right away. Unless you want to, right? I think if you're in a situation where what you want to do is bring it up, then you have obviously it's every you have every right. But certain guys are going to be scared away from that simply because you think, well, this is a lot to deal with. And I don't even really know this person yet. And a lot of guys are really immature. And they're like,

honestly, like, well, I think she's hot this was fun even if it wasn't rectal cancer if you said you get a lot of canker sores a lot of guys are gonna be like dude i can't put up with that shit she gets canker sores what a little rectal cancer on the opposite like i think well what are you are you looking for a relationship or you're just more excited to hook up? I mean, I'm open to anything, but I would say. Let me tell you, let me tell you something. And this is the. If you go weird on a fetish for rectal cancer, I am cutting all of this out. This is the beauty and the nightmare of men.

Never underestimate a man's desire to get laid. I don't think there's something you, I think to you, you're like, this could be a huge turnoff. I think just like anything else, that potentially there are guys who are going to be like, not, who are going to see that

as a problem for whatever reason. I also think there's just going to be a ton of dudes who don't even give a shit when they find out. I think that's right. I think if you're looking to hook up, that is really, I think you're in a fine position to do that. If you feel physically okay to do it, I think you should just do what Jake said and just get out there. Now, if you're like, well, how do I meet guys in Chicago? I mean, that's its own pickle. So here's my in conclusion for you on this one.

My two cents. Do whatever makes you happy early on the dates. I don't think you owe them anything. If you start falling for somebody, then you're an asshole to keep lying. You'll know when a relationship starts to turn and you're getting out of that appetizer stage and you're entering the meal. And at that point, you got to transition into the, I do have to tell you something. I'm sorry I didn't tell you on our first two dates. I didn't know how serious this was. But now that I'm having feelings, blank, right? And then you can kind of confess where you're at. But early on, you're allowed to goof around a little bit.

And while you're going through something as hard as what you're going through, goof around a little bit. And while you're going through something as hard as what you're going through, you're allowed to have a little bit of fun. And I would highly recommend you do whatever makes you happy in this stage, you know, until you're out of the mess a little bit. Yeah, I will echo that and say that anybody who would be advising you just in general during this phase would be like, it's important for your own physical and mental well-being to live your life. So live your life, do what you think you want to do. And, you know, I would just for now set up some dating profiles, make it about who you are, not what you're going through and see what comes your way. And then you'll be able to make those judgment calls as it evolves or develops in whatever way. Yes, that's so great. I loved hearing what you

guys had to say, especially from guys, because I feel like just talking to my girlfriends, I needed some male perspective. I think most of the men you're going to experience on a date aren't good. Some will, but the majority of the guys I think will be just fine to enjoy the date and not hear what's deeper going on in your life, but just connect on the fun level and just go like, man, I had a lot of fun with her. And we didn't go deep. We didn't hear about all each other's problems. We just had fun. Yep. It's a good escape for you too i mean this is on your mind so much that's just a good way to just kind of get your head out of it

too yeah all right thank you good luck corinne we'll be thinking go on have a lot of fun guys yes i will go have some fun with some men that's right go have some fun with some men Hello. Hi there. How are we doing? Good. You're on with Jake and Gareth. Can we ask your name? Yeah, no, sure. I'm, well, this is also my problem. I'm, my real name's Chris, but everyone calls me Dougie. Your real name is Chris, but everybody calls you Dougie. And what do you like to be called? Well, honestly, it's either or. I'm mostly probably Dougie. I think this is part of the problem, my man. Yeah, we're getting right in. I mean, this is the soft introduction and it's already complicated. So your name is Chris. You go by Dougie. You'd probably prefer to be called Dougie.

Is your middle name Douglas? Nope. Dougie has nothing to do with my legal name Chris uh walk us through the backstory of how we got to people calling you Dougie yeah no uh first of all honored to be talking to you guys it's like I'm talking to my therapist right now but Now we're talking. Now we're talking. Now we're talking, Dougie. Lean in, baby. Lean in. So, like, in the sixth grade, I'm one of five, and I'm the youngest. One of my brothers just started calling me Doug, and he said, his reasoning was I looked more like a Doug than a Chris. So by the time I went to high school, high school,

teachers, coaches, because he played football in his senior year for his film class, you had to make an original movie. And he wrote about a kid wanting to play basketball, but his dad wanted him to play the saxophone, and it was called Dougie McBuckets. I was Dougie

McBuckets in it, so everybody, all the older kids would call me Dougie. And by the time I went to high school, like I didn't really think about it because like I did before I introduced myself. Hi, my name's Chris, but everyone calls me Dougie. I said that for like the first week and Dougie just like stuck. So you're Dougie McBuckets? Yeah, that's what the movie's called so you're basically you're the real life mcglovin yeah you have a nickname that's gonna live on forever you're w mcbuckets that's how people know you yeah so i've got a question for you doug

yeah what's your question today, my guy? Because it sounds like Chris is kind of the name, but you look like a Dougie. Dougie McBuckets was a star saxophone player. You got a lot of heat in high school. Your older brother walked you through school. So as a 14-year-old geek, you're fucking Dougie McBuckets, man. Yeah, you had a hook. You had a hook and entered into college.

What a wonderful brother you got. So I appreciate this call, and so does my guy, Garfield McNuggets. Thank you for the respect. What's the problem, amigo? Thank you for asking. So the question is, should i legally change my name to dougie douglas can i let me ask you a question how do your parents feel about this going on they're the ones who named you what do they call you and how do they feel about this so i mean

obviously chris has a great meaning to them i'm a twin and my twin sister's named Kara. So Chris and Kara that goes pretty well. Chris and Dougie make buckets? Okay. At least you could say her brother's badass. Sure. But your parents are attached to the name Chris.

Like, yes. I mean, they know that everyone calls me Dougie because like parents weekend, whenever they visited, parents would be asking them, oh, like, who's your kid? They'd be like, Chris. And then they'd be like, oh, like, who the hell's Chris?

Oh, Dougie, how are you? Where are your parents? Yeah. So, Dougie, are you thinking, are you thinking of genuinely, like legally changing your name? Because as you get older, it's becoming a pain in the ass to

tell people your name is not Chris? Kind of, yeah. I understand. This is a real thing for you? Yeah. I respect it. I get it. I accepted a job the other day and he originally knows me as Dougie.

As I went through the interview process, they're like, who the hell is Chris? It's crazy. It would be one thing if the name was close, but the fact that you're Dougie and then you have to say, Chris, it is weird. Like processing your paperwork,

being like, what the hell? Uh, Chris, what's your, uh, given middle name? Lewis.

So it's Christopher Lewis. Yeah. Okay. Um, name? Lewis. So it's Christopher Lewis. Yeah. I'm going to lead out with some advice to change your name legally. It costs money. It's like a thousand bucks. It's a lot of paperwork. If you do it, I would add in Mick Buckets and I would legally, honestly, God, I would change your name to Douglas Mick Buckets and then go for the last name so that you have at least a joke for your entire life when you get married. Mrs. McBuckets, the future Mrs. McBuckets. No, Gareth, it's a middle name.

Okay. Just so that the person up there who's the officiate has to go like, do you, Douglas, McBuckets, Cofino, take Jennifer. I want it to be the last. I mean, let's go. Let's turn it up to 11. McBuckets, I mean,

and that's a great way to find out if she's really in. If someone's willing to be called like Stacy McBuckets, McBuckets is where the name gets crazy. The name change of Dougie. I mean, yeah, it's a Douglas. I mean, a lot of people do that. I legally actually, when I was seven, wanted to change my name to Spike. My mother pushed back because she was English. But I think the McBuckets, I don't hate it being attached. When I was a little boy, I wanted to be Gary Coleman from Different Stro strokes in a real way.

And on my birthday for two years in a row, I had my mother put happy birthday Arnold on it. I didn't go through the legal, but I was Arnold in my family for a while. Well, and that's obviously, I mean, that's just, we should dig into that in a very special episode because there's a lot there. But to get to 22 and still want it, I think that means that you want it. And I think, and also I got to tell you from listening to you talk, I think you're a guy with a big sense of humor, Dougie. I think you, since high school, you like the weird heat. You like going in and being Dougie. The condo starter. the weird heat you like going in yeah dougie the condo starter if you legally go through the paperwork and the bullshit to change your name and you just go with douglas lewis then don't do it my

man but if you're gonna do it and you legally change your middle name to mick buckets and then you keep your last name so when you apply for a job, it's Dougie. But when you look at your driver's license, a cop has to go, your middle name is Mick Buckets, and whoever's in the car, your friends, your kids, everybody laughs. I think it's worth it, man. I think it's a life story that you're going to like talking about till you're 70 years old, and you're going to get a lot of people good laughs. You like it. Yeah. I do have one more pitch, one more side pitch.

I think Jake and I are locking in on the full change. I think Kara, I think we maybe need to get her to change the name too. I like Debra, or I like Duckies. Okay. Yeah. I mean, I just think you're twins so let's i mean jake jake has twins he'll tell you how important that oh you thought i forgot that the twin sister you're trying to get the him to get his sister to change her name well he's leaving her hanging with the only c name come on over to the d side carol let's party we are we are exact opposites in this like she always hit the book and like she's really

smart i mean i'm smart but like not not compared to her but you're a big bucket smart we get hey hey mcnuggets you're smart like we give good advice bingo our real advice to you the in my honest opinion is i think you should do it but I would really recommend adding the middle name. Yeah. And just doing it for Doug. I think it's, I think you're squeezing a lot of juices and you're picking oranges and you're working your ass off for one glass of orange juice. Just go buy a bottle of orange. If you're going to do this, you want a driver's license that says Douglas McBuckets, and then your last name so somebody can go what is that and you tell the story of your brother and the saxophone guy yeah and then you're in yeah i mean if you explain it to that to a cop they can't give you a ticket why would they yeah exactly gareth you

got anything else on this one no i i'm i'm with that my only alt pitch would be you know maybe tack on the last thing but i let me know if you need me to talk to kara give me your email i can i can definitely pitch the duck it's her direction if you actually do this mcbuckets you're 22 yeah i'm 22 here's what i recommend doggie i think you do a soft pitch to your siblings don't worry that much about your twin sister. It seems like she's not going to like it. I'll handle that.

Like Jake's saying, I'll handle her. Gareth has her, maybe throw it by your older brother. And if the family all goes, Dougie, you're an idiot. Don't do this.

Then we, then we're the guys in the bar who led you wrong. If they laugh and your inner circle goes, oh, great. Then I say, not only do you go for it, but you keep us in the loop because we would love to have your ID, a photo of it. We'll knock away your address with the new name because that's a big win. Walking out of this earth on your gravestone and your name being the day you were born the day you died father husband friend douglas mcbuckets incredible my man the wild legacy but if you do it keep us

in the loop buddy please oh i definitely will keep you guys in the loop you know what thank you so much i'll this is identity crisis that I think has been solved. So thank you. You're very welcome. Godspeed, Dougie. Yeah, no, thank you so much for having me. We're Here to Help

is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. The show is produced and edited by Kevin Bartelt. The theme song is made by Oliver Raleigh and you can check out all of his work

at OliverRaleigh.com. The album artwork is by James Fosdyke. You can find him on Instagram at James underscore Fosdyke. And if you'd like to see me do stand-up on the road, go to GarethReynolds.com. And if you'd like to be on our show, please email us at HelpfulPod at gmail.com. That was a HateGum Podcast.