We're Here to Help - 150: Pod Wars: The Lamorne Tapes

Episode Date: February 27, 2025

On this bonus episode, Jake and Gareth address the Pod War by reluctantly sharing a recent video showing Lamorne's true nature, and the guys watch leaked footage showing the disturbing relationship between Lamorne and Kyle (Keith?) on The Lamorning After.But truly, the guys would like to bury the hatchet, and in honor of their good pal, they are re-releasing two all-time classic Lamorne helper episodes. First, a caller is afraid her friends saw her having too much fun on the couch while cat-sitting. Later, the guys record a maid-of-honor toast.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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We're here to help. We're here to help. We're here to help. We're here to help. We're here to help. We're here to help. We're here to help. We're there to help. Hey, Nora.

Come on, dude. Cool it. Who are you talking to? My dog follows me around, then snores and makes so much noise. We got a whole house. Just go in any other room. She is a retired guide dog. And I truly believe she thinks I'm the blind person.

She's like, where are you going, pal? Where are you going? I'm like, I'm the only one who needs good audio right now. She's like, let me just come in here and bang my head against the wood floor for a while. I'm probably gonna nap right near that microphone. Truly. And I've been on Zooms where it sounds like, and I want to be like,

my little blue things lights up. I'm like, not ripping ass. There's a dog outside of camera. I'm not making that sound. Try to mute. In between every statement, try to mute. It's humiliating. Real quick, there was someone who, there was a podcast that said that Dave farted on a dollop recording we did, and they were like playing it back. They're like, listen closely.

Dave was like, I didn't fart. By the way, and let's just have a ready already started Rob. Let's just keep all this in. We'll just start weird on this Thursday. We'll just transition everybody and we're back. It's a Thursday. It's a special one. We'll explain if we go. But one of the funniest things is clips of people trying on television who have farted and people on YouTube trying to expose them. There was a guy, it was a sports announcer. I feel like we've sent this to each other, Gareth, but it was like they're all talking in a panel

and you can hear the fart. There's been like different people. I'm thinking of like, I can't remember who it was, but there's like really clear ones. Like I think it was Tony Romo or somebody. Who was in the middle of the theater. There's a Romo part? Absolutely. But there's also, you're like, I don't think, like...

Yeah, but they do. I know they do, but you have to really rip it for... Like for Jim Nance to not be like, whoa. Yes. Did you see the marathon runner? No. That she shit her pants. Oh, well that happens. She shit her pants.

Oh, well that happens. I have seen that. And she says, don't feel my butt, I just shit myself. That happens with marathon runners. They're so determined to finish that they just... That I understand more. I did, when I was doing Tag, Hannibal Buress in the middle of a scene farted. And you know, we are not only miked up...

For comedy? No. No. We were in a scene, I can't remember who else was in it. Middle of coverage, middle of a take, blue ass. And you know, obviously I'm a 10 year old when somebody farts. So I died laughing.

Yep. He had the nerve to say to me, come on man, stay in it, we're in the middle of a take. Wow. And I was like, no. You know what? No way. You don't get to tickle and say keep it together. I was like, and also the nerve of like being on camera with the sound part, but also ripping ass then saying be a grown up is a real power play. Yeah. Yeah, it is. That's the way, that's my new move. It's hard to make you seem childish when someone else cuts ass. Be like, you're a child about this.

Hey, could you please grow up, I farted. Good Lord, finish your line. So we've got today, well this is an interesting one. These are, you know, Thursdays are experimental days, Gareth and Rob. Yep. We're figuring them out.

We're having a little bit of fun on Thursdays. We're back into season two, we're having fun, and we're starting to figure out what we can do. We released the Biff one on a Thursday, and this is our second one. Well, this one has to be put out because we didn't really choose to even- Yeah, our hands were forced.

Yeah, we didn't wanna have to do this, to be quite honest with you. This is kind of the battle that chose us. You know, I mean we're we're just kind of reacting. You want to set up a little bit Gareth of what's going on to people who have not. So all this stuff you can find it on social media, the clips of this for anybody who just listens, who wants to see, go to our Instagram. It's very important to see the video of this. Yeah, and also it's important to see the video of what they did.

So the Morning After podcast, look, I think it's on their Instagram, but it's also on ours. If not, we'll post it. We'll just steal it from them and post it. Who cares? Well, it started out kind of just silly. I mean, you basically explained that you did a live La Morning After, and our show got a better reaction. As a dear favor to La Morning. I mean, out of your busy guy.

He called Damon Waynes Jr. and I begging. He said, the show is a total bust. The theater is really mad. Nobody's showing up. Get some names attached. Damon, please come. And Damon was like, L'amor, I don't wanna go.

And so Damon and I are like, well, we haven't seen each other. We respect each other. Let's just go. So that was what it was going in. I would say for you, that probably makes this so hard because it turns from favor quickly to battle.

Yeah, what I also don't understand about L'amor is like, yeah, he's getting a lot of hype right now. The media's behind him. Well, we've all pitched in in the business to hire PR people for him. He needs this. Yeah.

I mean, I think... We're trying to let... He's like that kid you're doing a favor for and everyone's trying to pat his head, and then he flexes on you and you're like, take it easy. It's like, he had a sleepover that nobody wanted to come to. He begs you to come to it, and then you wake up,

and he's put your fingers in warm water all night. It's like, dude. And he wrote a dick on your forehead. Yeah, and he wrote a dick. Instead of drawing, I like writing a dick. Uh, so, um. With a pencil. Yeah, with a pencil.

So, anyway, so he did that, you did that, we got a better reaction, whatever. We're not egomaniacs, whatever. No, but it wasn't even close. You threw it away, it doesn't matter. Long story short, it doesn't matter. It's petty shit. I simply, they said, he said, Lamorne's doing the show, the crowd was full, everyone's excited,

they're all fancy, anyway, whatever. So then they, the Lamorne-ing after, And I think it's safe now to say, you know Kyle's fully involved in this at this point. I thought he was getting dragged along but well I actually think Kyle's a victim of this but I can explain later I think we're about to maybe see a little evidence. Well, I actually I know that's a case. Okay All right So we so we now know Kyle's a victim. Of Lamorne. Of Lamorne, absolutely. Which we'll get a little more into.

But anyway, so then Lamorne and Kyle put out this clip that is of the moment you talked about, and it's just very clearly edited. I mean, it's just, it's not even a good attempt. No. And it's obviously a deep fake, it's fake news. And they put that out there, they're trying to kind of poke the bear a little bit. We kind of let that go.

Cause I'll tell you, but I'll tell you why we kind of let it go. We're trying to do a podcast here where we take in callers and we give some of the best advice America has to offer. Guys like, you know, Dr. Phil, the real one, real hitters are emailing us and thanking us for the work we're doing. Dr., what's the guy's name who does all the rehab?

Dr. Drew. Dr. Drew. Dr. Drew emailed us. So what we're actually doing is trying to help people. What Lamorne does on his podcast with Kyle is I think tries to get people just to look at him in pajama outfits. Yeah. It seems to be the rest of the show. So kind of different shows. But I think you're right because I think we're trying to kind of have, we are trying to stay

above board because- We're here to help. Exactly. They're here to take. To hurt. To hurt. And anyway, so it's important that people know that we are, you know, good, respectable guys. Anyway, they're trying to drag us down. So we kind of let it go. We've mentioned it, but we kind of let it go.

Who cares? But then they really start going after it. And they kind of, first of all, very disrespectful to me, pretending to not know my name. I don't think they know your name. I think they do. I don't think that was a bit, Gareth. I think everybody knows my name. Actually, Rob, let's cut this out for a second.

Gareth, they don't know your name. No, they do. No, they know my name. They do. Well, even in the... They put out a clip of Puff talking about you. That was unthinkably disrespectful. It's very clearly fake.

And stupid. So here's the other thing, and I know this is a fact because Lamar has texted me off the record Oh that you can do this stuff and he laughed about it. There's some app called voice generator and he's like dude It's hilarious. We can get anyone to say anything so he does Puff Daddy as if I partied with him. Yeah, Rob Rob sort of saw we were kind of getting kicked around we were trying to rise above it We were trying to ignore it too and Rob sort of says, you know optically

We're kind of getting dragged through the shit here and we know on the inside Hollywood secret that you have some stuff Jake that's from your personal life because you've hikediked with LeMourne, we've heard about it. Right. We know there's some, you know, some stuff that probably shouldn't be out there. Well, let me say this, I hate to do this. I know. You do?

This, I love LeMourne. Yes, I wanna sue him and go on people's court with him, but he knows this, I love the guy. And this is, it's breaking my heart that it's coming to this. He's in my inner circle, I love the fucking guy, but he knows this. I love the guy. And this is, it's breaking my heart that it's coming to this. He's in my inner circle. I love the fucking guy, but. You did his show, I mean, shit. But I just, he knows I have this footage

and I don't want to release it. I don't like release, you know, footage of when I go to his house and I go in his bathroom and he's got a chair facing the toilet. That stuff embarrasses me. I saw that. It embarrasses me that he lives this way. That's just too much room.

But it's important. But it's important. Yeah. And so I would like to release this video. Yeah. And this was taken when he and I took a hike together and this was just, I believe us talking, isn't that right Rob? Yeah.

Yeah. Okay thanks. Yeah good, that's what it is. So let's watch it. Alright, come on. Huh? I just turned this on because you faked it around the camera. You're trying to take too many breaks.

No, I'm kidding. Okay, come on. You're not filming, right? I don't need those fans. They are trash fans. I'm moving up. It's not even that I don't appreciate them. It's worse worse I want

them to stop following me and listening to my show the mediocre of a morning after with that Keith guy see new girl was my caterpillar phase I was a weird gross worm or whatever now I'm a butterfly I don't need new girl people from the cocoon days bothering me I'm flying now I have wings leave me to the skies I'm flying now. I have wings leave me to the skies It's so it's so blatant What are you talking about yeah Yeah, the captions you did great everything else is is... you're DPing that. Quick side thing and then we will get back.

But obviously this can stay in, but whenever we all get afraid, and this has nothing to do with the video we just saw, this is just a different thought I'm having, but we all get scared of AI taking over the world, we got some time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're like, they're gonna take over everything that's that's an odd sequitur joke it's a total non sequitur it's got nothing to do that video but yeah I do believe we got some time yeah that's a non sequitur though that's that's a different interest because what we saw there is damning and and to be clear when he's talking about fans, is he talking about the fans of New Girl? So, Lamorne, all right, Lamorne hates New Girl fans, he's said it a bunch,

we all know it, it's the biggest kept secret in Hollywood. We all love the fans because without them, what are we doing? We're just walking around a sound stage doing nothing, right? Yeah. It's Wayne's world. But because of them, the show mattered. And you love the fans.

I mean, you say that all the time. I do. I say it all the time. Everything I do, Max, Damon, Zoe, Hannah and I, we'll go out there and just do anything, Brian, we'll do anything for the fans. Lamorne is always passing. Lamorne always uses hand sanitizer anytime he even sees a New Girl fan. And I'm like, you didn't even touch.

And he goes, they looked at me. And I'm like, that's disgusting. It's painful to have to do this. Again, I love you, I'm sorry about this. But then this other part that I really want to get into is about the abuse that he has done. Well, first of all, maybe we could show the clip that he sent me, Kyle.

Also, did you see Kyle's video about trying to defend his mustache? No. Is this real? Yeah. Well, hold on, but we haven't talked about what happened there with the mustache. Maybe we do that last, so we sort of, you know, tee up.

Do set up the Kevin defending the mustache thing before we leak the audio. Okay. His name's Kyle. Kyle, whatever. But by the way, perfect. Leave that in too, Rob. You hear that, Kyle? That's not being edited out.

That was real leaked audio. That was legit, Rob. We literally just said your name and Rob got it way wrong. I mean, the guy who found all this stuff, he's like, I'm going to go get it. I'm going to go get it. I'm going to go get it. I'm going to go get it. I'm going to go get it. I'm going to go get it. I'm going to go get it. I'm going to go get it. That was real leaked audio. That was legit, Rob. We literally just said your name and Rob got it way wrong. I mean, the guy who found all this footage, just called me Kevin, my man.

Yeah, clearly knows. Well, Lamar called him Keith in that video, so it's very confusing. Oh, did he? Does he call him Keith in all these videos, Rob? Yeah! They call him Keith. Hey, Rob. That might be a problem.

Does he call him Keith? Yeah. In all the late audios? Yeah. No, no, just that one. But that I think shows Lamorne's inability to focus on who he's working with. It shows how self-centered he is.

I mean, it shows why he has a chair in the shitter. Yeah, well he has that because he's a creep. He's disgusting. He's a pervert. He's scared. He's a crap creep. So the next thing we'll watch is we'll watch... It's interesting that... Okay. Lamorne sent me this.

I just want people to know the kind of deep fake stuff Lamorne's doing. He sent me out of the blue a footage of Joe, quote-unquote, Joe Biden, right? Talking to me directly. This is just the kind of trash I get as a text. It's a Monday morning. Look, look, look, look.

Yeah, I know. Look, look, look, we're here to help you. Come on, man. I like the blacks and I like, we're here to help. Favorite radio station. Jake Johnson, let me sniff his ear while I fingered him. Okay. It's just, that's like, hold on.

We got to play that one, that line. That's rotten. So he's, so Lamorne's claiming this is what Joe Biden, the ex-president of the United States of America, said during an interview. Yeah. Man, look, look, look, look, yeah, I know. Look, look, look, we're here to help, man.

Come on, man, I like the blacks. And I like we're here to help. Favorite radio station. Jake Johnson, let me Come on man, I like the blacks. And I like we're here to help. Favorite radio station. Jake Johnson let me sniff his ear while I figure this. So I just need people to know, the guy in trash that Lamorne does. This is who the guy is.

Favorite radio station. Now look, we're laughing only because of how absurd it is to call our podcast a radio station. Yeah, so now, by the way, I call it a radio show. You have. So now this other part of this that we're getting into is there's all this talk about Kyle's mustache. It's all over the internet.

It's one of the biggest stories going around. We've known, the industry knows that Kyle's mustache is holding back their show. Hollywood's a small town. Yeah, and his mustache looks goofy. It doesn't look right. It doesn't feel right on his face. It's an embarrassment to the show. And has it hurt their numbers? Well, we know as a fact, because they're at Head Gum, it really hurts their sales. So they have a really hard time selling ads. A lot of the people.

That's why they didn't get Kleenex. Kleenex doesn't wanna work with someone who can get a snotty like stash. It's a bad, it's just, it's not great. So Lamorne has been trying to be cool about Kyle keeping that stash and publicly acts like he doesn't care. But I guess Rob, you found something.

I did. I don't really want to share this, but... See, this is... At HeadGum, the cameras are always rolling. And that's what people need to remember. Was it HeadGum? So this is leaked audio. It is. Are you listening to me, Kyle? You want to know why no one listens to our stupid podcast. Want to know why? I'll tell you, they come for me. They come for me.

I'm Lamorne Morris. I'm the king. I own these people. I hate my fans, but they love me. People respect me. People fear me. I'm taller than Kevin Hart. They come for me, but why did they leave?

Why do we get such bad numbers and can't even sell ads for rocket money? Because of your mustache. You look like a creep. You look like a weirdo. You shave it or you're done on my podcast. You understand me? You little weirdo.

You're done. Shave or you're fired. Oh! And then there's no, and then the reveal is that Kyle has no mustache. Holy shit, so he shaves at the end. So, LeMorgne bullied Kyle, and Kyle literally shaved because of LeMorgne? Yes.

That's what it looks like. Yeah. I mean, we don't want to get involved in this shit. I mean, it's very clearly LeMorgne. LeMorgne has one of those voices that's very distinct. And you can tell that that's very clearly Lamorne. Lamorne has one of those voices that's very distinct. And you can tell that that's his voice. I agree. It's very clearly his voice. So, look, here's... It's a match.

Yeah, here's what we're doing today, guys. We're just saying we understand what's been happening. We don't want to be involved in this kind of... That we feel like this trash is beneath us. Yeah. But what we're going to do today is to honor Lamorne. Yeah, as a sort of olive branch. Look, we're at a point, like we could keep kicking down,

but let's start pulling up, right? That's exactly right. So what we're gonna do is we're gonna re-release two of his calls, which, you know, they're honestly two of my favorite calls. So for anybody- Yeah, because they're unhinged. Because they're unhinged,, they're honestly two of my favorite calls. So for anybody... Because they're unhinged. Because they're unhinged, because they're funny.

The first one is going to be the... One of our... It was episode four. It was when Lamorne... When the woman was house-sitting a cat. And was... But you know what? Let's just let anybody who hasn't heard people who are new to the pod experience it for the first time. Sure.

I have heard some people who are coming in and you know, even Morgan, they're going back and learning the catalog, but they haven't listened to anything. So we're going to start highlighting some every once in a while. Yeah. And this is highlighting that as well as the wedding speech. Which is a classic. Both classics. I mean, yes, we love to, we love and loved having LaMourne on the show.

That's what makes this so hard. Before we throw to that, Jake, should we see Kyle's sort of attempt at a cover-up that Rob was referring to? Oh, right, yes. Just to kind of put a final point on this. And then we'll go to the LaMourne calls and again, we encourage everyone to go listen to the Lamorne after you know go get it I mean Lamorne said those things and you know he said them but that doesn't mean oh he looks so much worse without a mustache yeah Lamorne made a bad call so let's this is from Kyle here on mustache gate as it's being so just to set the record straight here I had shaved prior to any videos being released by the We're Here To Help podcast.

Sure. Mighty sale. Everyone knows I have the most majestic mustache in the game. Those guys even said so in their video. I've received countless DMs that guys and girls saying that my mustache does things to them. This is sad. He's so out of breath. Yeah. So in no way, shape, or form did I say that after the release of their videos, this was done prior. So just a weird coincidence. Okay.

Hold on. I'm not making a joke here. He seemed scared and blessing. He seems like someone is off camera making him do this. You know what that is? That's Lamorne's trailer. Is that right? Look at the back. That is a trailer from him do this. You know where that is? That's Lamorne's trailer. Is that right? Look at the back. That is a trailer from being on set. Yeah. Lamorne is currently shooting something.

I guarantee you he is in Lamorne's trailer. And it's like that's a hostage video. He's brought there to for a forced confession. So first of all, Kyle, we love you. We're here for you. Yeah, reach out call us I mean, this is what we do call us with this problem and let's if you want to call in Please call in please call in the show. We can get you away from the Warren use a fake name. Yeah Yeah, because this Keith Keith works

Perfect problem is is what are you gonna to change a Lamorne to? Malorn. Keith and Malorn? Yeah. Pretty good. No one will know. No. And then it's the Malorning after.

We worry about you, bud. I'm sorry you got bullied into shaving that mustache. Nobody believes your fake hostage video. We love you. We're here for you. We're here to help. And yeah. And Rob, thanks for finding those videos. Yeah.

Thank you. And also, you know, that's tough. I'm sure that was tough to watch. I don't know. But, uh, And maybe to take us out before we go to the episodes. Um, and then we're just going to have these two. We hope you enjoy them. Could you possibly play the Joe Biden one more time?

Yeah, I think it's worth hearing again. Man, look, look, look, look. Yeah, I know. Look, look, look, we're here to help, man. Come on, man. I like the blacks. And I like we're here to help. Favorite radio station. Jake Johnson, let me sniff his ear while I fingered him. Everybody. Enjoy the show. I know the way about the blacks. Enjoy it without further ado. help is brought to you by booking.com. Booking. Yeah. Listen, every time I use booking.com to find a place to stay, I know they have exactly what I'm looking for. They have a huge variety of options from hotels to vacation rentals,

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It's an honor and a privilege. Well, it's an honor to have it. Can we get your name, please? Can I give a fake name? She can give whatever you want. Sure. OK, my name is Emma. Emma, you're on with Gareth Reynolds, Jake Johnson and our special guest, a dear friend, Chicago native, Lamar Morris. Welcome to the podcast, Lamar. Thank you for having me. Hi, Lamorne Morris. Welcome to the podcast, Lamorne.

Thank you for having me. Oh my gosh. Thank you. Hi Lamorne. Hey Emma. Emma, real quick, what's your real name? That's a great question. I would love to tell you, but I'm not going to.

Good, I'm with you Emma. Don't be bullied by Lamorne. Okay, it's gonna be hard, but I'll try. Emma, we brought Lamorne on today because we got your email and we think he's an expert on this subject. So, Emma, please go ahead and would you tell us a little bit about why you're calling in today? Well, I'm calling because I had

this super embarrassing story happen to me and it was so humiliating that I couldn't tell anybody at all. And when I saw you post on Instagram about sharing embarrassing stories, I was like, okay, perfect opportunity to admit a story that I would never have shared otherwise. So that's what I'm calling it out.

It's a good start, it's a good start. We love this, yeah. So just a few months ago, I had some friends from college who asked me to pet sit for them for a week. And this was like the most exciting thing ever because I live with roommates and there's no alone time and I'm an introvert. And so it's just always busy. And so I jumped at this opportunity to just be alone for a whole week. And so when I get there, I am so excited. I get to just be a human for an entire week. And of course that consists of just near constant masturbation,

because there is absolutely no place to do that in private in like the way that I would normally want to. So as this week goes on, I am just so excited because I can even do it in the living room, like in public. It's just the most exhilarating thing. The whole week long, I am just having the time of my life. And then the week comes to a close about an hour before I'm supposed

to leave. I've just finished my final session. And I look up and realize that staring directly at me is a pet camera. Oh my God. And I immediately go into biggest panic attack of my entire life and totally blacked out and threw the camera out the window because, you know, what else you going to do in that moment? You know, you can't throw yourself out the window.

It's all recorded. So, yeah, this is I'm understanding the fake name a little bit now. I think I kind of like name part. So Lamar, really quickly, you know now for sure why we brought you on for this one, correct? I don't know anybody who masterbates at a level that my man Lamar Morris says. I go to work. Oh, man. Is yours the same way?

Yeah. But when I do it, I always make sure I look out for that little red dot in the sky, you know what I mean? You've been talking about that red dot since the 80s. I know. Yeah. Yeah. How can you tell though if it's like wireless? There's no red dot. There's no red dot. Listen, if you didn't see a red dot, I got news for you. They may not have been recording. Yeah, I bet they were. I'm praying. So, okay, first of all, I'm a, so,

so the question is basically, and I'm asking, not telling, you spent a week houseting some pets, you masturbated all week, you're afraid that they saw, correct? Correct, and I have not spoken to them since. I am too humiliated and I have no idea how to approach this. Are they close friends of yours? They are, but they are out of state, so I don't actually have to see them that often. How long ago was this?

Just a few months ago. Just? I got news for you. They saw it. I mean, I think for sure. And I also think everybody in your extended group of friends has They saw it. I mean, I think for sure. Oh, man. And I also think everybody in your extended group of friends has heard about it. I like that you just see this as

a real masturbation holiday. That's very relatable. Anyone who I've ever petted for stayed in their house. Absolutely. Like when I had roommates, it was like when I lived with my girlfriend at the time and she would leave town,

it was just I really Understand the let's let it rip Attitude and I fully support it. So I don't want you to think that we're like, you know what you did is Look, I've been there. I think that's great. I support it unfortunately, yeah technology has caught up with us house-sitting masturbators and Yeah, technology has caught up with us house-sitting masturbators and Alright, look, this is shameful and embarrassing But I also if I'm alone in a hotel room first thing you gotta let it rip the way they call the body lotion

Like but it's like body lotion hotel. Really? For a second cuz the more sure making faces as if he does yeah, let rip. He's shaming us. Yeah. Well, that's a lie. Come on. No, no, no. It's not that I, listen, as a single man, these hands don't get much use because I can tell you others do.

You get what I'm trying to say? Nobody gets what you're saying. We're talking about masturbation. What I'm saying, yeah, what I'm trying to say is I get, you know what I'm saying? Yeah, what I'm trying to say is I get, you know what I'm saying? Yeah, what I'm trying to say. Gareth and I have all admitted that, we lit it rip and you said something about

these hands get used. Are you talking about on yourself? No, no, they don't get used. They're unused. I date around sometimes. And I gotta say, if I'm home alone, I like to take that opportunity to maybe spend an evening alone with a lovely young lady that I am dating.

Okay, how about if there's no lady there? Then I'm jerking it! Okay, there we go, that's what we need you. I jerk it from the back, I jerk it from the side. I like to get a mirror, you know what I'm saying? I like to put that mirror on the floor, I like to get creative, okay you know what I'm saying? There we go. I like to put that mirror on the floor. I like to get creative. Okay.

Slow down. Okay. Joseph, slow down. You've overcorrected. You've overcorrected. I like to take all the security cameras in the house and put them in a circle. You know what I'm saying? Just like, really make sure.

The idea of you setting up with mirrors is incredible. It's like the end of Enter the dragon, but with masturbating. You're laughing. I'm out here taking notes, though. So thank you for that. So, so here's where we're at. So you let that you let that week go. It's a tough situation.

It is very embarrassing. When you said the way that I want, what does that actually mean? Like when you said, what do you mean? You said you had the living room to yourself. I want to know how embarrassing this gets before we start figuring out if there's a move. I mean, are you just like quietly masturbating under a blanket on a couch or how are you Lamorne Morrison? Do you have mirrors set up?

Are you getting weird? Where are we at here? That's right. Oh man, we're talking like exhibitionist full-volume problematic Types of videos just okay everything that you could possibly imagine I've videos. Can you give us a feeler what's problematic? Yeah, what's your search history looking like? Oh, just you know power dynamic kind of things and I'm with you on power dynamic

So I knew you would be the question comes when you, when you finished this week, right? And you, so you, I'm going to just try to put myself in, in your situation here, your house sitting, you're fired up. What a great week. You masturbate like crazy. You had yourself what, you know, like a little staycation, if you will, then you see the camera and you know, if this is serious, which is what we're taking it as that's a fucking

living nightmare. If I, if I had friends who saw me masturbate for a week, I If this is serious, which is what we're taking it as, that's a fucking living nightmare. If I had friends who saw me masturbate for a week, I would be so deeply embarrassed. Play this as real. Play this as real. Oh my God. It really is the worst. That's a deep shame.

I am telling you, I have never been closer to jumping out of a window. I understand. I really like the panic. You have to just not be here anymore. So this is the worst thing that could have happened. So when it ended and that you they come back and get the keys there's no turnover you didn't have to see them. Nope, nope. I left it under a trash can and that was it. I just never spoke to them again and haven't heard anything either. So do you have a mutual friend who you trust like a buddy?

Because I think what we need to get to here in terms of your extended group and just a life of living with a certain level of embarrassment and shame, I think we got to know if they saw it, because there is a reality of they have a pet cam, but they don't watch it. Right? Like I had, but a buddy of mine is a house sitter and he was house sitting for another friend. And you could see in the video what that person's doing. And my friend said like, you know, you know, because a light would go on in movement. Okay. So we got to just figure out like some people have these like a ring camera and they're not even set up anymore.

So do you have a trusted third friend, Lamorne Morris, if you will, that you could go to to kind of, you know, bridge the situation? Do you have anybody near them that you trust? Possibly, but would I have to tell them the story? What you could do in this situation is you could ask them if they ever said anything about the house sitting. You could say like, you really enjoyed it. Blah, blah, blah.

Go ahead, Lamar. Or you could say you lost something. You could say, is there any way you could check the cameras? I less, I can't seem to find my credit card. You can't do that because if they didn't Jake Jake Jake Jake I got news for you these cameras they record sometimes 60 days. That's it. Oh, yes Sometimes less sometimes less sometimes less they can't have forever It would be interesting if you were like I left my rings and they were like, did you check your vagina? Cuz we check the tape

It feels like that's where most of your fingers were. It would also be a nightmare if you if you said, hey, will you check the tapes? And they go, we haven't watched them. And then they sit and watch and go, yeah, she asked us to watch her master made for seven days. So we don't know where your wallet is, but we know where it isn't. Yeah, that feels like its own exhibitionist kind of a thing. I don't know if I can do that. Gareth, what you got?

Well, I think that, first of all, do you know what kind of camera it was? Have you done any research into kind of the tech? Like, okay, so what kind of camera was it and what do you know as far as the time that it holds on to a recording and how you know if it's recording? Okay, it's recording. Okay, it's been months ago. So let me tell you, I did block out a lot of this for trauma reasons. But I do remember, I Googled the type of camera that it was and I was excited that it was not plugged in. But then I found out it was a wireless camera and had a second panic. Emma, do you remember the name of the brand?

Oh, I think it was called Pet Cam, but it was something very similar to that name, like PlayOnWarden. Okay, okay. Hey, listen to me. It looks like a little Apple charger. So Lamourn, you're kind of going with... It wasn't plugged in. You're kind of going with... But plugged in doesn't necessarily matter. No. Unless it had a battery. If it wasn't plugged into a wall. There's no power. Yeah, that's true Well, it means at some point it probably stopped recording if it was but I'm just curious Yeah, I could very easily be on battery when they left I'm gonna kind of go towards the advice mode here for this call and Emma as we've said before the advice is not necessarily

Good, but we're trying to be on your side. We're trying to help figure it out. And you know, the truth is getting caught potentially masturbating for a week straight is a humiliating life experience, but they have not brought it up. So I personally, if I were you, I wouldn't do the third party thing I was saying. I would bury this in the deep graveyard of secrets and move forward. I would never bring it up. I would just keep this as one of those life shameful moments. And hopefully one day in years you're drinking with them or you're at an event and you can hint at it and hopefully either you get the truth or just bury this

one and move on. You know, that was, that was going to be my plan until your podcast. Lamar and Gareth, you guys got any thoughts on what you would do if you were Emma? You know, I would look them square in the eye and I would use keywords to see if they flinch. Give an example, pretend them. You're at a wedding. So hold on. Yeah.

You how sad for me. You're Lamar and I'm Jake. You masturbated for a week straight. You saw there's a camera We see each other in four months out of a wedding. I'm a friend What's the back of my mind knowing that I shot all over your sheets? Okay, cool. So Jay Johnson, what's going on man? Not much my man. How about you bud, man? Me and my girl we got we got into it yesterday, you know, it's crazy. It was a very interesting power dynamic that we had. Okay. That's cool, man. Cool. Cool.

Did you get any of that shrimp cocktail? That was good. I had like two cups of it. Oh man. You know, one thing that I do love is shrimp cock tail when I'm eating it. Are you okay? I'm good, man.

I'm good. Say, Jake, real quick question, but while I got you here, cause it's rare that we see each other, has there ever, do you ever get chance to be alone? You know what I'm saying? When the old ballroom change. I'm gonna take off Lamar,

and you're acting really weird and I don't appreciate this vibe at a wedding of a close friend of ours. My man, that's awesome. Also, I watched you jerk off at my house, man, and I don't find that appropriate. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no right. I think Lamorne, you know, if you want to know, then something like that is the way to go. But I think Jake's right. In order to know, you got to inform them more. And I just think that's probably right. And

I'm just going to tell you, my gut is that they didn't see it. I don't think they saw it. The only thing that bothers me is that you haven't spoken to them in so long. So it might be worth floating out a text for some reason just to not even find out, just to kind of like be clear, we're moving forward. Maybe you saw me diddling for a week.

Good. Yeah, maybe you didn't. But either way, I have now realized that we are moving past. We live in a different world. We live in a post me doing this world and and let's just move forward. Hey, could that text be about the pets? I don't I think if it was like a week ago,

I think if it was a week ago, yes. But I think that it's been months. I feel like it should be something else. Otherwise, I feel like you're kind of still living in it a little bit. Lamar, go ahead. You're pointing a finger, Lamar. Go ahead. Yeah. But I also I also want I want you to be really, really careful here because we are walking a very, very dangerous line. OK, we don't want also want I want you to be really really careful here because we are walking a very very

Dangerous line. Okay, we don't want to we don't want to king shame anybody because everybody does it everybody does it It's almost like you want to take a shit and realize you left the door open and there was a camera pointing You know, it's just natural what you're doing is yeah great analogy. Yeah Why when you're talking like this? Why has your voice changed? Because honestly, I'm a scientist and professor of love logic and also labia's so I'm here No, this is we all master it. We don't all master it in other people's homes while their pets are watching us. I Have you just admitted to it Jake? No. Yeah, I'm talking hotels I've house sat and whacked it in there with the cat sitting next to me.

What are you going to do? Yeah, gross. So I've got a question, Emma, in terms of the email reach out, did you bond with any of their pets? Oh, absolutely. What kind of pets do they have? I know it's going to be ironic, but a cat. OK, so you you connected with the cat a little bit. Oh very much so yeah. I would personally go a little bit different than Gareth

in something and I would write something like you know hey guys just thinking what's the cat's name? I'm hoping you're changing the cat's name too. I don't I don't we don't want to I'm hoping you're changing the cat's name too. I don't I don't we don't want to Go true, it's go true. That's the real man. Okay, so could you possibly Write something of and is this weird to say something like hey Hope you guys are good had a funny memory of what a great cat and if they do not write back That means you are an enormous character in their discussion of the girl who masturbated in front of nonstop and you're a huge character. If they write back like, aw, AWW, you're the best, then they didn't watch it, is my guess.

Okay. Guys, what do you guys, what do people think? Well, here's why I would. This is a tough one. This is a hard one. Let's say let's say you hit their car in the driveway and you're wondering for a while, do they know I hit their car? I don't think being like, how's the car driving? I think get away from this area of thinking as much as possible,

because let's say they did. Let's say they did. Then you're going like, hey, let's circle back on when I played with myself all week in your house. I think you go with something more like, I don't know. I don't know the specifics of the relationship, but something, if you can think of some other reason to reach out, it's just saying, hey, we no longer, we don't do this anymore. And the way you can find out, maybe, is if they ever ask you to do it again,

if they ever ask you to do it again, you're in the clear or or they're perverts. Yeah. Or they're like that power dynamic because they might say, hey, do you want we we're going to take our cat with us this time. We're going to set up some more pet pet cams. Do you mind how sitting for just the night? Can we watch you house it tonight? So, Emma, I got a question for you. What do you kind of want to do here? Because, you know, what we've kind of found is people who call in

have their instinct and how they want to handle it. What's your gut telling you to do? My gut was telling me to do the same thing that you suggested, Jake. I was just going to bury this and pretend like it never happened, like really push it back in my memory. I did tell one of my friends and I said, listen, I'm going to tell you a story and then we're never going to talk about it again. So that was sort of how I practiced the story to anybody.

So honestly, I was going to do that. That's sort of what I'm feeling is right. But I do like the idea to send a text maybe unrelated. Now, I've got a question. Is this out of character for you and your friend group? Yeah, I think so. Like, I'll be honest if Lamorne stayed at my house and he masturbated every day, truthfully all bits aside that would be out of character and it would warrant a talk.

Now, if he masturbated in the shower or outside of public. But if I can get a vision. But if I looked at a video, I was like watching my dogs in the living room and he's watching porn with his pants, I would go, hey, Lamar, what's up, my man? Like, but there are other friends. Maybe Gareth is one of them that I would be less surprised by. Thank you. I live in rarefied error. I'm lucky. If the Garf Man was standing on my dining room table with no bottoms on, I would go like,

hey man, just don't break anything, my friend. So, Emma, it's your- Stop wobbling so much. Stop dancing while you do it. Just finish. Why do you lose your balance when you end? much. Stop dancing while you do it. Just finish. Why do you lose your balance when you end? And why do you why do you giggle so much? What's so funny about that?

It's been going on for a long time. In your group of friends, if the story circulated that this happened, would everybody kind of laugh or would it be shocking? Shocking. I am the professional put together one out of the group. I'm the one that the answer is. I'm the one that is probably looked at as like a mom figure.

So this is very out of character. What do you do for a living? I would love to tell you that because you are going to love that, but I'm not going to tell you on air. Can you give us a without any specifics tell us or you're for a living. I would love to tell you that because you are going to love that but I'm not going to tell you on air. Can you give us a without any specifics tell us or you're a school teacher. Definitely in the same vein of this conversation. I think you got to pass forward. I think it's an

either buried but I gotta say as we're talking and getting to know you a little bit. I don't think burying it's the move. I think that you got to sniff around and see if know you a little bit. I don't think burying it's the move. I think that you gotta sniff around and see if there's a bomb in these woods a little bit. I think you gotta do the random text and just start a dialogue and see if there's any smoke. The way LaBourne and I did that terrible example of the wedding, I think there's something to that okay what do you guys think yeah either way opening it up kind of clearing

the air in whatever way or even if you don't have to clearing the air and just starting to see the vibe I bet I bet you'll be able to tell a little bit of what's going on you never know with. They're good at hiding things. No, for sure. I think you come out of the closet with this one. I think you let everybody know you a freak. Let everybody know you like to get busy. How would she do that?

If you were her, how would you do this? Like to your group of friends, how do you come out that way? Accidentally send a video of yourself that when you were in the office alone and say late night sesh with myself you know what I'm saying and then be like oh my bad you guys does this does this confuse you you know we gotta be more open. Man I gotta say hold on we've done a lot of these so far. That's probably the worst advice we've ever heard, my man. No, no, no, it's not.

It's not. You know, it's like when... Hey, hey, hey, late night sesh. You know what I'm saying? Because this one got away from me, everybody. What's going to happen is they're now going to expect this from you, and you know, and your secret of, like, loving to masturbate in front of people's cats in their homes, on their furniture, in the refrigerator.

Mute this man, Kevin. Mute this man. Gareth, in closing, you got anything? In closing, look, there's some options. I'm curious exactly what path you'll take. I mean, you basically said it, but I just want to, again, be clear. I have house sat. I have masturbated on the couch where they hang out. I've done it with the animals adjacent.

So as far as you ever going, you should not feel bad about what you did. When I have people come to my house and I can take care of my cat, I know they're definitely doing strange stuff in the places where I hang out. You know what I just realized? I think I might want to start a business and it's called, we house it and we don't masturbate in your house But if you have if you have pets and you need someone to house it I don't want people Masturbating on my couch. I don't want people using it as a you're not gonna Know I'm doing I'm doing one that's called Pet Stervators.

And actually, we lean in and we promise our guarantee is that we are going to be playing with ourselves around your animals, just like you would, just like anybody would. It's gross. Gross. So I'll see you on Shark Tank, Emma. I would love to see. I'm going to pass on that idea. I got to tell you, Barbara from Shark Tank would go, now that's a good idea.

I am a real estate mogul and I always masturbate. Mr. Wonderful, I'd love for you and Barbara to partner up. That was kind of my dream. Mark Cuban, I always masturbate. I masturbate in Dallas. In the locker rooms. We actually have a jackshack in the Mavericks locker room. So, Emma, I would say my what I want to push you towards,

but I keep going back and forth. My feeling is maybe there's a random email, but I also feel like you're asking for trouble. You masturbated in their house for a week straight. You had a lot of fun. Nothing has come of it. You have not heard. She did. Well, God bless you.

You have not heard from your that group of friends. There's not chatter. There's no smoke. I think you got to, you know, swallow this grenade. You just kind of move forward. All right. I think that's pretty, pretty solid advice, because if they do, you know, establish the connection. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Lamar and Gareth, you got anything else in closing?

No, I think that's right. I think I think I think reach out. Let's clear the air I'm curious. What's going on with the more? More in closing you got any final advice. Don't be ashamed who you are, you know, you're a freak You know, I'm not ashamed. I'm not a son. I got a lot of straight-to-camera roll videos out there You want to plug any of those? Yeah. Yeah. yeah. Look out for my hidden folder in my iPhone. Shout out. Shout out to the dog pics folder on my phone.

Here's to the hidden folder. Yeah. So at the end here, we always like to ask, what do you think that you're going to actually do? I think that I am going to bury this in my trauma memories and pretend it never happened and send a text to reach out just to see if they're going to pretend everything's okay too. That makes a lot of sense. All right.

Well, I want to say thank you for calling in. I also want to say thank you to the always charming the always handsome The freak in the sheets and the freak on the streets. Mr. Lamar Morris. Damn. God damn. Hold on Bye everybody This episode is brought to you by Quince. You get high end versatile pieces at prices that you can actually afford. Truly have so many items from Quince. They got me hooked.

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How are you? Welcome to the podcast. We are gonna help you, whether you like it or not. And can we just start by getting your name, real or fake, your age, roughly, and where you're calling from specifically. So I'm Nicole. I'm 29 and I'm from San Diego. But my husband and I are actually on our way to moving to Boise today. So we're kind of homewrecker right now.

I lived there for a, I had a weird year in Boise. That's another podcast. Okay, great, Nicole. Weird year in Boise from Gareth Reynolds. Yeah. All the way, I'm in. Are you? Because I feel like it's not going to do great. I'm excited about weird year in Boise with the government. As you know, it was pretty weird. All right, Nicole, so what can we help you with today?

Yeah. So this weekend on Saturday, my little sister is getting married. And my older sister and I are the maid of honors, and we've been the maid of honors for all of our weddings, like both of us, both sisters and everything. And we're kind of getting a little stumped on what we should do for speech, because our speeches for each other have been pretty creative, but we don't want to do the same thing like for my older sister's wedding. My little sister and I did like a song parody. And then for my wedding,

what can we just ask what what parody song you did? Oh, yeah, it was a part of your world from the Little Mermaid Nicole can hear a little bit about it just a taste gosh We want to see all the people right now. We want to see them on the dance floor. I can't remember Alright, that was something. It's we got a taste of it. We got a sense of it. I'll be honest I think it's a pretty low bar if I'm being totally. Yeah. So I think we could I think we could beat this. So then for my wedding, you know, they started to play music.

They asked the DJ to play music. So I thought they were going to do a song parody and then they had a record scratch kind of. And they're like, no, we're not going to be doing that because Nicole's a creative one. So I do feel like there is a little bit of pressure. What did they do after the record scratch instead? Oh, they just did like a regular, you know, just a speech and you know, saying how like,

you know, interesting stuff about me. It's interesting to set up a punch. I'm not going to lie. I, they were probably great at the event for Jake and I, I mean, we feel pretty good about being able to beat this. I kind of agree, Gareth. I kind of agree. So just to kind of get where we're at, your sisters did, you guys did a song parody of Little Mermaid. It worked pretty well.

Your other sisters, for you, did a record scratch and then just a traditional speech, is that correct? Yeah. and then just a traditional speech, is that correct? Yeah, and so right now we kind of have an idea, like kind of doing like a bit. So like we want to, I don't know if you've watched The Office or anything, but there's this one scene at Phyllis' wedding where Michael Scott would intro like four different wedding speeches.

And so we were thinking of like kind of bickering, being like, oh no, this should be the intro of this speech, and the liked more on Cameo. So now we're kind of stumped and we just we don't know if that like would be like a good bit. Like I was trying to interest stuff like that and then like bringing in someone else to kind of close the speech. But I'm just we're not sure if that's going to land. I like that. I think I think there's something to that. The idea. Who are the characters they like? Who are the care? Yeah, that's a good question So they're big fans of new girl in Brooklyn 99 and the office. It's so interesting because we have two people who new girl Brian and Nick are

The G damn call right now So the idea that you were thinking Nicole was that maybe you would On the G-Damn call right now. Go ahead, Nick. Jake. So the idea that you were thinking, Nicole, was that maybe you would set up something where you're trying to do the speech, it's not working, you're introducing others, hopefully you're getting mom and dad and some uncles and aunts to laugh at this bit. And then at a certain point you want to go, you know what, here's the real speech. And you would play a video that you would have a cameo of somebody from New Girl or Brooklyn Nine-Nine or The Office kind of come on and say what to your

sister? Just like a congratulations and then like a piece of like marital advice. And it could be, yeah, so just anything that they would think is you know, and then what's funny? Nicole what's your sister's name and the husband her name is Natalie Natalie and then my well my future brother-in-law is his name is Jeremy Jeremy, you know what? I think we're gonna do Nicole Yes, we're gonna what do you say we do the video right now for Natalie and Jeremy and maybe you'll be Part of it too, but we have a real surprise guest that our producer put together on this one We would like to add another person to the call the great. Mr. Lamorne Morris

Oh man, you can't see this but Lamorne is laying on his side. Lamorne's in bed. In some sort of a cat. What y'all niggas talking about? Oh, what? So Lamorne, here's where we're at. We're about to make a wedding speech to Netanyahu. Good morning, Jake, first and foremost, I just wanna say good morning, everybody.

Yeah, good morning. Good morning, man, thanks for joining us. How y'all sleep? How y'all sleep? How y'all sleep? Good. Good, been up for a while, but good. Well, shit, what time is it? It's definitely like wake up time, close to.

Oh, damn. Just a true idiot. Where did you get that for your head? Give me my OVO do- rag. Drake gave it to me. Drake gave me this. Oh, incredible. Are you talking about this brown lightning shirt? Yeah. That's available now.

I was talking about these. We're here to help hats that are available now. OK. OK. My bad. Who on the phone? Nicole, will you introduce yourself and say a little something to Lamar Morris? So I'm Nicole and this is awesome. Oh my gosh. I can't believe I hear here because what's really funny is that my brother, my future brother-in-law is also a cop.

So very nice. Okay. That's something we could kind of chime in. And what does Natalie do for work? The thing is, so she's like super smart and everything. And I don't really know what her job title is. I think she's like an environmental like biologist. Like she goes out in the field and tells people which plants and stuff are endangered.

But also she takes pictures of islands and dots birds and... Tell me this, what are a few things you like about Natalie and Jeremy? What does the family like about this pairing? Well, we really like... I don't know, they seem very well linked together. They make sense. They both are serious but also kind of match each other's silliness level in a way. And well, so their wedding is also gonna be in a church. So they both like met, where they met was at like FCA meeting.

What did they meet at? The Christian, fellow Christian athletes meeting in college. So they went to professional state. Did you just give us an acronym and think that these three individuals would know what that meant? But then also she didn't know it. Yeah, that she's like, you know, it's where Christian athletes go to mingle. No, it's like a draft for Christian athletes. Okay, so they're both athletes. They like that they're kind of serious and they're a little bit silly. He's a cop.

Yes. Like a detective or he wear a uniform. Does he get to like do the gang unit? Cause I'll take this duergo. He wears a uniform. I know he has a police dog that he just got. And the dog's name is, yes, Axel. Axel, of course.

All kind of dogs are named Axel since the 80s. Well, what's funny is his favorite movie is Rush Hour. And I guess he tried to rename the dog Carter. And they're like, you can't do that with Jackie Chan. Yes. Hey, Kevin, bring them on. You're not going to believe this. Jackie Chan, come on. He's in the bathtub.

Yeah. His reception should he's in half up. Yeah, his reception shit He's in the bathtub. He just texted us. We're gonna go with just us. Sorry Okay, so I Will say this now to Lamar and Gareth do do we feel like we need more or are we ready? Because we're gonna send them this video and hopefully they're gonna play it at their wedding and I will say it's a big deal guys it's their wedding. It's the closer too.

So this is like you're gonna have given your speech and then you're gonna bring us in for the closer basically right Nicole? 100 percent. Okay. So do you need more info what she said before you got on Lamorne was, just congratulate them, then a little bit of advice we could go around and give about marriage. Is there anything we need besides them or shall we?

Give me a key, give me a key. I might break into song. I don't know if I'm going to, but if I get a key from her, that's when that symbolizes your family. Give me an A. That's as weird of a question as you could have asked. It's a great question. A above middle C, I mean, how you wanna do it?

Nicole, do you have a range for Lamorne? Um, I don't. Okay. What I like about that question is they've done music, but this is a nice meeting of- Lamorne, Little Mermaid, you gotta sing Lamorne a little bit of that song parody, so he knows the Little Mermaid. I got to sing Lamorne a little bit of that song parody so he knows that. He knows the Little Mermaid.

I know. I wanna be where the people are. Okay, so I do remember a little bit of it. So what we were singing, part of it, we wanna be on the dance floor right now. We wanna see everyone dancing, dancing along to that. What's that song again? Oh yeah, Electric Slide. Okay. Okay.

Okay. Listen, again, I like our chance. This is a good closure. So you guys feel good? Should we just, how do you, Jake, just rehearsal. Do you wanna? I think we gotta just shoot live. We're doing it live.

All right. Don't you think? Let's O'Reilly it. Don't you think? Yeah, let's go. Okay. So then on this video to start, Nicole, how are you gonna intro it? So literally, so after we're done, like my older sister and I are done bickering, we're

gonna be like, you know what? We're just really bad at speeches. So we brought in some people to help us with this speech. Okay. And Nicole, just so I know what I'm working with, people probably aren't going to freak out when they see me, right? It's probably just so security guard Brian. All right.

That's all I need to take. Let's go. Let's go. Hey, hey, Garret. Don't forget who you are. My king. Right. I directed you. That's I know what you're capable of talking about a pep talk.

I will say Lamar and you're getting and I've known you for a lot of years right now. You're getting dangerously close to your Denzel impression. What do you I have no idea what you're talking about. It started early with your, okay, okay. And it might be the du-rag. It might. Hey, this is chess, not checkers. You understand what I'm telling you?

Once I saw that on your head, I was like, I know how this is going to start. We're going to say Natalie and Jeremy congrats. And I want to hear, okay. Okay. start we're going to say Natalie and Jeremy Congrats and I want to hear OK OK. All right so we got a we got us we're going to see what we can do. Natalie and Jeremy Natalie and Jeremy from your sister Nicole and what's the other sister's name Nancy. Don't think we didn't pick up on what's going on here with these names.

All girl names. They're all names. Thank you very much. What's really sad, Gareth, is when you said, don't say we haven't picked this up. I had to look at my notes because I had not picked it up. It was a crossword puzzle that got on top of me. I was like, Nicole, that's a beautiful mind, beautiful Natalie. Yeah, right.

We're in your mind palace. And, and, what is it? The Warrens said all girls' names, and I was like, all girls' names. Yeah, gotcha, gotcha, yes, victory. All right, let's do this. Three, two, one. Congratulations.

Way to go. Pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew. We are fired up for Natalie and Jim. How about a round of applause from everybody here? Everybody here. Natalie, who digs in the soil and takes pictures of islands. And Jeremy, the cop who's got a dog named Axel. You took all the info, you little snake.

We just want to say that your sister Nicole asked us to come on and say a little something because for her wedding, when you guys did the record scratch and then just talk, she just didn't think it was enough. Am I right or wrong, Lamar? Absolutely right. You know, she tried some things. She wanted some things to run past us. One of her ideas was she was going to run in and say, what up my end words? Like Natalie, Nicole, Nancy. But she was like, guys, is that a good idea? I asked my do-rag and it said, nah. So I want to apologize to Natalie and Jeremy and the entire family. We want to say congratulations.

Yes. Three stars of New Girl. We know you're a fan of our show. There's three. That's right. And all three of us here, probably starstruck. Everybody's a little starstruck. And then last, we want to go around and we want to each offer one piece of advice to the newlyweds, the couple that everybody in the family is excited about. Jeremy, this side of the family likes you a lot.

Nicole made that very clear. So Garf Man, you want to start? How about some marital advice to the new couple on day one of their married life? Listen, I'm in my 40s and I have a cat. That's the level of commitment I have, so I can't offer up much, but in my relationships, I've noticed that saying you're sorry when you don't mean it seems to go a long way.

So don't be afraid to just toss out a sorry every now and then. Just seems to work. Again, litter is my main issue. Mr. Lamorne Morris, anything? Now, I've been married, I wanna say 10 times, all successful marriages. And the one thing that I learned that you gotta do to keep that thing spicy in the bedroom

is don't brush your teeth. So if you don't brush your teeth, you know what a real love is. If they're willing to go mouth to mouth with you with them dirty ass teeth, then you know you got yourself a winner and you'll stay together forever. And last, I would like to say the old saying is don't go to bed angry.

I think that's incorrect. I think it is okay to go to bed angry sometimes. Don't take it out on each other. So if you need to, Jeremy sleep on the couch for a couple of nights, but it's all right. Go to bed early, start over fresh in the morning when the tequila has gone down and you've sobered up, you don't have to resolve everything right away.

Or sleep at a hotel. Or sleep in a hotel. And before we go, we've got a special guest, if everybody could close their eyes for a moment, Mr. Denzel Washington, you mind taking us out with a couple of lines before we let these people enjoy their lives together? Ha ha ha. Natalie and Jeremy, it's important that you listen to these following words,

okay? You must, and I repeat, you must stay together, no matter the weather, no matter the color of the sweater, because sometimes you might not like what he's putting on. Okay, he goes outside and he embarrasses you. But you too, you too can be an embarrassment. So stay in embarrassment with each other. Huh? No matter the summer, even if the temperature is above 101, you must find the fun. Find the sun.

I repeat, find the sun. You have sun. I repeat, find the sun. You have to. I love you. We all love you guys. Have a great life together. Under the sea. What was that? They're not gonna last.

I wasn't sure if it was still recording or not. No, that was great. Thank you so much. All right. All right. Let's record one and get it. Nicole, do you think you're going to play that at the wedding? You can be honest.

I'll have to run it by my older sister, Nancy. We got to agree on it. So what do you feel? I think so. What do you feel? I think so. How do you think it's going to go over with your group? That's a good question.

Can I be honest? Your ambivalence is troubling. I got to tell you, we've all been in the business for a while and when you're not getting picked up to series or you're not getting a green light, it's tough. I did not think the wedding was going to pass on our pilot Well, we're getting to the bottom of it Nicole so what are you feeling where you keep out the swear words Then you what are you feeling? This is a church group, right? They're athletes So we're getting yes, they're getting married in the church and we do have older

Family members that are gonna be at the wedding Okay And we do have older family members that are going to be at the wedding. Okay. So how about this? Let's try it. Let's try a second option. We are here to help guys. Guys, I'm going to tell you this. I miss the church part.

Gareth Lamourn. Remember the premise of this show. We are on Nicole's team. Right? I know it's true. It's just think about when we were all doing new girl, you know, I don't think we got this many notes on set, but you weren't there a lot. You weren't there. Yeah, we did. We did. I was on set. I've been on set of New Girl being paid. So I don't know what. Here we go. We're going to try again. The whole thing. The goal of this is we're going to do it in 30 seconds.

All right. OK. OK. This is this is a hard. no wonder I'm not a cameo. This is brutal. In three, two, one. Hey, congratulations to Natalie and Jeremy. Wow, you guys really did it. It happened. If you're seeing this, you did say I do, so it's official. We're very excited for you. Lamorne, what do you think?

You know, I think it's a very special occasion. It's a holy union. I want to give some advice if that's possible. Please. You know, because I've been married so many times, still am. Yes, sir. Well, I'm married to the game, baby. But, you know, if I were you guys, I would sleep as much as possible because when you

sleep, you have that right mind for your partner. Okay? You stay sharp, you stay solid, you stay in love forever. So we just want to say to Natalie and Jeremy, we are excited for you. Congratulations Garf. I know you got a little advice. Shoot it. Well, I just wanted to point out I was also on New Girl, but I don't want to make it about

me. I'm a 40 year old man, 43 year old man with a cat. That's my longest relationship God bless this is gonna go great and last before it lasts before we leave Denzel you got anything? The game of marriage is chess not checkers. You understand what i'm telling you? It's chess not checkers make your next move your best move. You understand what i'm telling you? Congratulations, you guys were really happy for you

What the fuck Nicole, that was pretty good. That was, come on. Nicole, what do you think of that one? That one is good. You do this voice thing where it gets higher and higher. I'm in bed, Nicole, I'm in bed. You're not buying it. Nicole, in our heads, when we heard what was about to happen,

we were like, man, Nicole's gonna be so thankful. I feel like I Is it good where you at Nicole? No, no, here's what I need. No, here's what I'm not Nicole. Here's what we need. We need notes What would you like this fucking speech to be? I like a lot of aspects of both speeches. Okay, talk to us talk to us. So if we did a third, what would you want? Probably. I don't know, it all was really good. It's just, just remember that it's going to be at a church. Okay. At a church with elderly, well not elderly, but older. So then, give me this Nicole,

give me this, give me this. Walk us through what you would like for the game-manship of it all. We start off with an intro, right? Hello is hello. This is. Let's just do it. This is why we're here, right? What I really liked about the first one was just the hype that you had at the beginning. So you like the hype. Up top hype.

Yeah. I feel like I'm taking an order at a restaurant. Okay. Up top hype. Okay. And then we transition into? Yeah, the advice. Advice that you would be okay saying in a church. Sure.

Church advice, church advice. Okay, and then in closing, just a... A closing prayer? No thanks. Pastor Washington with a closing prayer? You don't have to. Okay, so we got an intro, we got some hype, we got some advice, and then we've got a well wishes.

Would you be happy with that? Yeah, 100%. And in terms of length, what are you thinking? Oh, whatever you're comfortable with. Nicole, you the boss, baby. It doesn't have to be. You ain't bossy, you the boss. I feel like I'm already asking a lot.

So do I. Jake is the only one. I'm not someone who asks a lot. I'm tired. Hey, Nicole, this is your time to ask a lot. This is your time to ask a lot. That's why we're here. God damn it. We're here to help. We're doing this ridiculous thing.

Get your God damn it out now, Jake. Well, here's what's going to happen, God damn it. If we gave her A or B, doing this ridiculous thing. Get your god damn it out now, Jake. OK, here's what's going to happen. God damn it. If we gave her A or B, she's going to go, I was on a fun podcast. I want this fucking thing playing at the wedding. Get your cussing out, you little. Fuck, motherfucker. She's giving me fucking notes up and down.

She's fucking pissing me off. There you go. All right. And we're back. All right. Nicole, I feel good about that. That's me too. In three, two, one. Yeah! The wedding! All right, USA!

Cut the horn. Those are the angels. We in church, motherfucker! We're trying again. That was a fail. Four. In three, in church, motherfucker. We're trying again. That was a fail. Four in three, in two, in one. Hey, hey! Natalie and Jeremy, congratulations on getting married.

Nutsuals. What a win for you two. And this is brought to you by your sister Nicole who wants you guys to have a really weird moment at your wedding and we're gonna help provide it exactly we want you guys that we want you guys to think about all the love making that's gonna happen Black said the Bible. The more we add in. For Proclamation. Proclamation. The Bible.

We don't see this. No, we're starting over. In three, in two, in one. Oh! Woo! Natalie and Jeremy got married! Hallelujah. Cunt.

What? We're not going hallelujah. Too thick? In three. Was it not a black church? No to three. Was not a black church. No, I know. Natalie and Jeremy's a white church. In three, Oh, completely.

Yeah, great. What a lovely service. We all go to church and love church. So what a great service. Shut up. Shout out to Reverend Jones in the back. You get that replacement hip yet, you old snake. You and cut.

Let's try one last one. OK, all right. Nice and clean. Lean and guys nice and clean lean and mean This is good This is the money one let's pretend it's on film this one matters In three in two Yeah Natalie and Jeremy you did it you're married we are happy for you

Very happy three stars of new girl Jake Johnson Lamar Morris Brian from the show Gareth Reynolds We're so happy for you. Yeah. Very happy. Three stars of new girl Jake Johnson, Lamar, Morris, Brian from the show Gareth Reynolds. We're so happy for you. Yeah. Against all odds you survived. Nobody thought you were gonna get married. Everybody had doubt in you. All the arguments. Nobody had doubt in you. Doesn't matter. Your sister Nicole asked us to do this. She said you guys have a lot of fun with your speeches and we just want to say from the bottom of our hearts that we hope you guys really stick it out. Don't go to bed angry.

Always be nice to each other. Always try to listen. Gentlemen, any advice for this lovely couple? I actually have never been in a committed relationship. I have a cat, so always clean the litter. But what Jake said sounds really good, really happy for you. Lamorne, what you got? Always staring to each other's eyes

so you could read the tea leaves. You understand what I'm telling you? You know when your partner's up to something. And guys, we just wanna say in closing to everybody there, thank you guys for having a wonderful night and please, everybody give a big hug to Natalie and Jeremy. Congratulations guys. And don't forget Axel. And Axel.

Nicole, where we at? Did Lamarne say that everyone had doubts about them? That's a blooper. There's bloopers. Listen, OK. This is I mean, honestly, what I have. We have lives outside of this speech. My kid, my kid is in the car right now. In three, Jake, Jake, like he's an accountant on April 14th right now.

In three, two, one. Hey, hey! Natalie and Jeremy! Wow, a wedding. You did it. We're so proud of you. Congratulations, guys. We're really happy for you.

Your sweet sister, Nicole, asked us to do this. Hi, Nancy. How you doing? And we just want to say we wish you guys all the best from your friends at new girl and Any advice gentlemen? Well, I just we heard about the event and we said we'll just do one quick take of a speech Just to get it out there and give it to you and wish you the best So we really do wish you the best the morning you got anything Yeah, shout out to Deacon Jones in the back. Um, you gotta call me. You gotta call me.

Uh, uh, uh, you owe me something. I'll take payment soon. Venmo works. I listen, don't think cause you had a wedding that I wasn't going to run up on you. I love you. And I know there's a wedding, but I need my stuff. Oh man. We're so happy for all of you and obviously Deacon Jones is totally invented

and that's not real at all. We're just having some fun and fun is what life and marriage is all about. This is going to go great. Jake, don't look so stressed. You should be happy. We're at the finish line. Oh, God bless. USA.

USA. We helped. What are you talking about? See, Nicole, I think the goal of that speech was to make you miss the one before it. Nicole, do we have any wins here? Yes, there are some wins there. Now, I gotta ask, honestly, is there any world you're playing this at that church wedding? Okay, let's do one more.

Hey, Kevin, can you mute Lamorne? No, just, I'll keep it clean. I'll keep it. Listen, I will, I will keep it. Okay. Watch this. Watch this. So Lamorne, you start our intro.

Let's see if that changes it. Okay. In three, two, one. This is hip-hop church Jesus Christ I'm stop y'all are y'all are messing this up how Tika Jones is gonna get run up on. You are just not a serious person. Ha ha ha ha ha. I got it.

You just gotta let me be you. In three, in two, go. Congratulations, Jeremy and Natalie. It's your wedding day. Everybody in the building is excited, excited to see you. They come from all over the world. I don't think it's gonna work with Lamar and guys. From miles and miles and miles.

I don't think what they're looking for is a guy playing big peg with a durag on, talking nonsense in some rhythmic way. I don't think it's, hey yo, it's not gonna work. I don't think it's gonna work. Older people in church like to relate to the younger folks. So you gotta bridge that gap. All right, let's start again.

Gareth, can you try intro? Yeah, all right, let's try intro. All right, ready? Three, two, one. Natalie and Jeremy, you did it. You got married and we want to help you celebrate. Stars of the hit show New Girl, Gareth Reynolds, Brian, the security guard, Jake Johnson, Lamar Morris.

And we're all here because we know you want to see something big. We got to outdo the previous speeches. And I think we are, Gareth, and I think we are. Now, mind you, the Little Mermaid song was great, but I think we're winning this one, don't you? I agree. Jake, why don't you give them a little bit of advice you've learned? You're a married guy. Well, here's what I'm going to say to you, Jerry. You gotta find your way into the family just the way you have found your way into your bond with Axel at work. So I want you to start looking at your father-in-law

as Axel and bond with that man. You're part of the team now, you're part of the family. And I'll say this, Nicole has a lot of great things to say about you two. She says that you guys are equally serious, but equally silly and she loves the match and I think the whole family does. Yep, and you can see Jake's been a little emotional

from even hearing about these nuptials. Lamorne, now why don't you close out this speech and she loves the match and I think the whole family does. Yep, and you can see Jake's been a little emotional from even hearing about these nuptials. Lamorne, now why don't you close out this speech with some great, great advice that would play great right now. All right, thank you guys so much. We really appreciate Natalie and Jeremy. You guys have a wonderful wedding.

Thank you guys. Appreciate it. have a wonderful wedding thank you guys Nicole what do you think of that that one was great I didn't mention that my dad passed a few years ago. Oh, okay. But is there a way that that piece could just get cut out and everything else is perfect? Yes.

Kevin, yes, yes, yes. Can you lift the dad stuff? Yep. He's a thank God. Yep, I got it. But we got it, you 100% can? I should have said something. No, please.

Listen, we did- But amazing, after all that, you revealed at your dad's- Amazing that after all that, we talked about your father who's passed away, and you're like, but this is the best one. Hey, Nicole. Wow.

Thank you for the call. Nicole Venmois, you owe us $1,000 each. And Lamar, thank you so much. I will play that last one. You really will? Yeah, maybe if there's Phil, if you get any footage of it, send the bad pieces out, send us a video of this speech playing because we would love to know how I think that's right.

That fair trade. Will you make sure somebody if not you films it and sends it to Kevin 100% Thank you. Can you also can you make sure that everyone at the wedding? Understands that the link is in my bio if they want a fabulous brown lightning t-shirt Yeah, make sure to spread the word at the wedding about the brown lightning mark And I'm also gonna tell you Nicole you got a sense of what it was like to work with Lamorne for seven years. We would be trying to go home, wouldn't we, Lamorne? And I would go like this, please, my man, just say it.

Just say the line, my man, please. I'll say it the way that I want to. Work's happened ideas. Guys, we got to get off this call. Nicole, thank you very much. Thank you, Nicole. Thank you so much. God bless.

God bless. God bless. All right. So guys, thank you for listening. Appreciate it. As you can see, you know, they're great calls. We love LeMourne. It was a lot of fun. So we just decided to, you know, while this was running, we were talking and we decided what we would like to do is offer Lamorne and Kyle to come on the show for a very special episode. We can release it on ours and the Lamorne and After podcast. We could bury the hatchet. We could have all of this out. Well, I think when you listen back to those two calls, what jumps out to me is we were

having a hell of a time. Yes. I mean, this was the good old days. I also spent seven years with this guy at Nougra. I love the guy like a brother. Yeah. I mean, you hear that. You can hear that between you two. And I know that you and Kyle love each other like cousins. Yeah. Well, we see each other at the lesser host events all the time. I mean, we're always bumping see each other at the lesser host events all the time I mean we're always bumping into each other There's so many worlds to the podcast people don't know about yeah, no, they don't know there's like eight different ponds to this

Yes, so but what so guys listen? Lamorne Kyle Let's do come on the show. We'll go we like, let's, it's time to start mending. Yeah, like, look, we all know the world can get pretty ugly and things can get really out of hand, but God, what we're just trying to do here is we're just trying to bring people together. We would love to have you guys on, go ahead.

And let me say, we don't expect an apology. It'd be nice. It'd be nice, but we don't need it. We're those guys, we're those guys. So here's what we're asking. Lamorne, before you and I end up on people's court and I take every dollar from you, which I'm willing to do, I don't want to, but I'm willing to.

We'll get in a legal fucking mess. You and me will spend seven years in court together. We'll both be broke. Show's like an hour. What's that? The show's an hour, so I don't know. People's part? We'll go back.

Oh. Like a season. A multi-season arc. Wow. I don't think they've done that. Okay. Ryan Murphy will do a show about us on FX. Crazy court.

Crazy court. But listen, guys, come on the show. Yeah. You can really, we'll go on yours. Let's bury this. Let's get back to Peace and Love. Yep. yours let's just let's bury this let's get back to peace of love yep let's the good times were great times so let's get back to that and I think the best way to sign off is probably to just hear that Joe Biden audio one more time yeah yeah that really was where this whole thing bottomed out man look look look look yeah I know look

look look we're here to help man come on man I like the blacks and I like we're here to help, man. Come on, man, I like the blacks. And I like we're here to help. Favorite radio station. Jake Johnson let me sniff his ear while I fingered him. Okay, goodbye everybody. And I wanna say something to the audience really fast. I'm sorry about this episode. Yeah, this is not okay.

Sorry to anybody who's listening going, what happened? But we don't know either, guys. This is a mess. Thursdays are wild cards. Thursdays are wild. On Monday, it's gonna feel normal again. Monday, we don't know either guys. This is Thursday. Thursdays are wild cards. Thursdays are wild. On Monday it's going to feel normal again. Monday we'll be back to regular. This is a disaster. Joe Biden did not say that. Alright, thanks everybody. We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds.

If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question at helpfulpod at gmail.com. And if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here to Help, you can go to our Patreon at patreon.com slash here to help pod to see our entire catalog. We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grimm Productions, executive producers, Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter, and Natalie Hollis,

associate producer, Jesse Thurston, Editing, Mix and Master by Chris Fowler. Themed song by Oliver Raleigh, the cover artwork is by James Fostike, animations by Andrew Strilecki, and if you'd like to see Gareth do stand up on the road, go to garethrentholds.com. Remember all of the advice given on We're Here to Help

is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions. All video episodes of Season One Help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions. Bye bye, bye bye, bye bye.