We're Here to Help - 151: Thanks for the Memor-Trees & Fluid Wars

Episode Date: March 3, 2025

Jake and Gareth help a caller create an epic sendoff for a beloved treehouse. Later, the guys go back to college and help a house of senior girls whose neighbors won't stop pissing on their window. Plus, a heartbreaking follow-up to the saga of Gandalf the Duck (from Ep. 143: Psychological Warfare & Duck Daddy).See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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We're here, we're here, we're here. We're here, we're here, we're here. We're here to help. We're here to help. And we are back. You know what I just did? Yesterday when this airs it'll be about two and a half weeks ago. I'm not the timing guy so I don't even. I took a hike with Lamorne.

Oh. Yeah, we took a hike yesterday. Oh, boy. Because I remember we recently talked about a hike you did with Lamorne. And you used. Yeah, we've taken a couple. Yeah, but the one specifically where he was gassed.

He's so gassed. And then you filmed him. I filmed him this time. Uh-huh. Well, I mean, I guess obviously we've been pretty public with the fact that there is a little bit of... There's a beef. Yeah.

So, it's kind of interesting to hear that you're, you know, going out there. I guess this would be like, you see each other... You know, it's Hollywood. It's a small town. So, what was the... What was the vibe? It was really fun. No! What? This Was really fun. No

No, it was I'll tell you this and I know he's gonna hear this but I gotta say I don't know what he's doing physically because He can't make it up the hill Gareth and we both know cuz this because we hiked with Steve Berg a lot, right? So you and I are both, you know. We like a pace. We like a pace. A couple of guys who might appear to be Ford focuses or old mobile, Cutlass Old Mobile. But we can make it up the hill on a pretty good pace.

Yes. Yeah. And we're folk. I view a hike as the way up is the exercise, the way down is the chat. I totally agree. Berg viewed the whole thing as a chat. And then eventually, when I'd hike with Berg, I mean, I think we both, you know, at some point he'd go, you don't have to wait for me. And you'd get to the peak, and then you'd be like, where the hell is he?

And then like eight minutes later, you just see that little blonde head sort of Nordicking up. But what Lamorne does, which is shocking, is he makes excuses where he'll stop and pretend to be smelling flowers, but always at a big incline point where he'll be like, man, this is a beautiful plant. And I'm like, we're eight minutes in, my man.

Like, you can't stop mid incline. You can stop at the little plateaus. Sure. And then every time we turn a corner, he goes like, you gotta be kidding me. This isn't even safe. And I'm like, we're not talking about the safety of the hill. You keep walking.

So how, because he is like, we've seen, I mean, he's been very public with some of these shirtless picks where he's, I mean, he is in good shape, but their conditioning is weak. I don't know, you know, I'm not saying. Are you saying? I'm not saying anything. Well, we maybe, we talking about some juice. Maybe is he maybe no, I don't know is it possible. I don't know I Don't know I'll be sad cuz that's a slope. I agree. Would you ever do steroids?

Yes, Jake. I was just gonna say why don't you answer? Yeah, by the way, your late 40s, your HGH phase. Couple decades from now. Yeah. Four years probably. What are you, are you 45 or 46? So what were you saying?

When you go through your big head phase where, because at first you're gonna be very strong and it's gonna be like, whoa dude, and you're not gonna tell me. I'm just gonna go like, whoa dude, and you're not gonna tell me. I'm just gonna go like, dude, your arms and shoulders look good and you'll go like, PX 90. They've always been like that. Yeah, and I'll go, you do look different

and you'll go, God, you're gaslighting me. Yeah, I'll be like, buddy, you're obsessed. You're obsessed and I'll go like, I think, and then one day I'll go, dude, your face is 10% bigger. You've got like extra bones in your face. And you'll go, it's a nightmare. I don't know what to do. I'll be like, I don't know.

The swelling will go down if I stop juicing for a couple of months, but I can't lose the bulk. What happens with Barry Bondshead, Mark McGuirehead? How does this happen? Well, that was, I think they- Human growth. They've gotten a little bit better at it it seems, but it definitely Like I saw Shalom the other day. Yeah, like I you know not a person

We weren't hanging but but I watched demolition man recently, and I was like god damn that guy was like He that is like peak yeah, oh good, and then and then when you see him now You're like it's just something happened, so you know him now, you're like, eh, it's just, something happened. Something happened. You know, I feel like it's the equivalent of, when we were growing up, we all felt bad for all these women having plastic surgery and getting boot jobs, and then there was an era

of all of a sudden, we didn't feel bad for the men, like the Arnold Schwarzeneggers and all these guys who were really strong, but now because of the podcast, Alpha Male Culture, there's a lot of dudes doing a lot of different stuff to their bodies that is not healthy. But you'll see an actor all of a sudden, they'll be like a little bit, not a Lamorne,

but some of these other guys where they have muscles on muscles. And they go like, they do like a men's health, you know, where they look at their fridge and they're like, it's just protein powders. And I'm like, get out of here, man. You're lying. You're taking steroids or whatever it's called though. And that's cool. But you're going to pay the price. Like Mark Wahlberg. Yes. There's a guy who I'm like, I don't like there's some people who like when you think of like, surgery and stuff, like Rob Lowe, whatever, Rob Lowe's doing,

whatever he's, we all know he's like 70. Agreed, but Gareth, I beg you, man. To do it? Please don't do it. I will do it for you, buddy. Don't start going, don't be a standup comedian in your 50s who gets facial surgeries. What?

Jake, Jake, Jake, Jake, Jake, Jake, Jake, Jake. Talk to me. Jake. I worry about you. Jake. I love you and I'm worried about you. We need a heartthrob on the show. I agree, but it's not us.

So let me hand it. Then let's get a guest helper. Stop, stop. Let me help. Let me help the show. I'm here to help. Okay. I got this.

There's a man in your room in the back. It's Luke. We told him to spare a cane. But you're in a hotel room. Yeah. What's going on? I just saw somebody pop up. It's Luke, my buddy who I go on the road with.

We're in a room together. Oh, okay. That makes more. Now I got nervous for. No, no, no. Now scared. No, it's fine. There's a man going through your stuff. It's his stuff. He's going through his stuff

He's oh you guys you guys share the suitcase. No, that's no he has his own stuff, and I don't stop it This is not we're not going to this. What were you gonna? Ask you were asking about something else. I was gonna ask conspiracy Did you just freeze on purpose? No, did I freeze? You just froze on purpose. Am I still? That would be a great move. That would be a great feature for Zoom to have when you don't want to talk about something fake, the fake freeze button.

All jokes aside, what if we tried to invent that and get on Shark Tank? A button that you really should get on there. A button that you could press That actually makes it feel like because you could it's not hard technology. I this is what it should be It's an app. Yeah, that makes it seem it just lowers your service And then after a couple glitches drops you off. I think that's right and then after a couple glitches, drops you off. I think that's right. So valuable. But by the way, if there's a web designer out there,

we don't need somebody great. No, look at us. Email the show, let's see if we can get on God damn Shark Tank. And you know what they'll tell us? It's not a business, it's a hobby. And you know what I'll say? That's why we need a shark. You know it would be gutting to be one of the people who goes in there and they never air it. I

Wonder how often that happens. I bet a lot you do. Yeah But why would they air something that or just let it be not a great? Thing I think because they want to have a balance time They probably don't go on for it. They probably pull the plug on somewhere. They're like, and and and and right I think because they want to have a balance. They probably don't go on for it. They probably pull the plug on somewhere. They're like, nah, nah, nah, nah. Right.

I mean, I'm sure they're heavily prepped and all that shit. I think so too. And do you think that, do you think they have teleprompters? I'm not talking about the sharks. I'm talking about the people pitching. No. You don't? No, I think they are prepped and because you've seen sometimes when people lose their train

of thought. Yeah. Like sometimes pitches go horrible and someone freezes. You know, it's a product and I feel like this, they're not a sponsor and I don't know if I got it from Shark Tank, but I love it. It's called Skylight Calendar. It's an old school calendar, but it's done on a computer screen. But it actually looks like a calendar.

And so you can put everything into it, but you could also do it through your phone. Are you are you are you hanging in on like a wall? Yes. This is big for me. I know because so skylight calendar, Gareth, because I was always, I try to do it on my phone, but you know, it's not great. I like the calendar. I completely agree. I had a manager who was like,

you need to get away from your wall calendar. And I have, but I miss it. I was just thinking the other day, I'm like, man, if it was there. Dude. Because the problem is it's like Should be my home screen is what it should be. Yes How about this this is my favorite type my favorite text are you joining and I'll be like, oh my god Oh my god, I'll be like out somewhere be like I've joined something. It needs to be joined

Are you joining? Yeah, Like at 104 and you're like, ah, oh shit. Just lying. Just a nightmare. Just lying to people. Coming in and then this is my play. Sorry, I was having a hard time getting on the Zoom link. I'll do something like that. I'll be like, just setting it up right now.

Yeah. And then I go like, something went wrong. And they're like, you're covered in sweat and you're shirtless. And I'll go like, well, I wasn't sweating. I was wearing a shirt when I tried to get on this Zoom link and the last 42 to 3 minutes everything went wrong. It's the best. No, better Wi-Fi I'd hurt. I think someone sent me the wrong link.

Just pulling up the email now. Yeah, so I'm now doing a non-commercial commercial for Skylight Calendar for you guys. Skylight Calendar, I am in. I don't know where I first saw it. I think it honestly might have been Shark Tank because I was doing a period, I'll watch the show and then buy the products. You have it on your wall?

I have it. Wow. So you can put it on the wall or you could also put it on a stand. And so right- I like the wall. I like the wall. So they give you the tools to be able to screw it into a wall if you want to. By the way, not huge tools. I'm not sure why you're trying to like home improvement. I mean, what is it a screwdriver? Are you not a handy guy?

I'm a very handy guy. Where's the word construction? Who do you think you're talking to? So did I. So did I. Yeah, I'm handy. I mean I can do it. What? See that is exactly who you and I are in real life. I'm ambitious. What? See, that is exactly who you and I are in real life. I'm ambitious. By the way, you just nailed who we are in life. I can do it. And then without anybody saying something else, it's, I mean, I could do it.

Then if you take, if nobody says anything, you would also go, there's a better person for the job. But if you're in a bad spot, I'm your guy. One time a friend of mine was like, can you hang my lighting? And I was like, uh, and I genuinely, I said yes. And while I was doing it, I was like, I'm probably gonna die like up here.

Yeah, that's intense. I was doing electrical work. I was like, I have no business. No, that's... Touching wires, twisting. Twisting wires. It was insane. No. And it worked.

But I was just genuinely like, oh, I'm definitely, like, I'm gonna die in this guy's house. I don't like that at all. Yeah. Let's get to the show, goddamn it. Okay. Without further...

Ado. Hello? Hello. Can we get your name, please? Yes, my name is Bryce. Hey, hold on, Bryce. If you got some excitement, let's let it out. What do you got, girl? Yeah, let's party. I stopped you. I don't want to stop you.

Bryce, you're on the show. Heck yeah. Oh my God, y'all. I'm so excited. My heart is like racing. Do people normally get this nervous? Yes, I think so. I think so.

I think so. Yes. Everybody's always freaking out whenever they... Yeah, I mean, this is the biggest podcast of all time. So... People lose their minds. It absolutely is. I mean, I'm so excited, everybody's always freaking out whenever that yeah, I mean, this is the biggest podcast of all time Absolutely is

Bryce you've been a long-time listener Yes, absolutely since day one and what do you think your favorite episode has been? Okay, well Usually I say my favorite episode and this is like early on was the woman who was masturbating in front of when she was helping. Oh, the cat sitter, of course. She was masturbating. The cat sitter.

Yes. I love that episode. I showed it to my husband and at first he was like, oh, ha ha. And then I waited a little bit and I was like, oh my God, you should listen to this episode of the podcast. And he was like, that's the funniest thing I then I waited a little bit and I was like, oh my God, you should listen to this episode of the podcast. And he was like, that's the funniest thing I've ever heard. Okay, good. Well, he's definitely not the problem.

This guy sounds like a winner. So Bryce, where are you calling from? I am currently in Denver, Colorado, but I am from Sherman Oak, California. Ah, great. And that's important for the story. Okay, so why don't we just get right into it? What do you think, Garth? You got any questions? Hey, let's do it. No, let's party. Okay, so why don't we just get right into it. What do you think, Garth?

You got any questions? No, let's party. Okay, Bryce, what's up? Okay. First, y'all didn't ask me what my age was, so I'm just gonna give you that information. I am 28. Okay.

From Sherman Oak, California. We have, my family has a four-story tree house in our front yard, And it's insane. It has running water. It has a full service bar. It has a little electric fireplace. It's insane. It's been there since 2001.

My dad built it in 2001 just for me and my sister. This is in Sherman Oaks. Sherman Oaks. Yes. It's incredible. We're looking at it. You know what we will do? We will post this on Instagram too, so that people can see it who don't get the video. It is awesome. It's beautiful.

So your dad built this? Yes. My dad, who is not a carpenter, he actually used to work on The Simpsons for like 20 years. What the hell is going on? What did your dad do on The Simpsons? like 20 years. What the hell is going on? What did your dad do on the Simpsons? He was an animation producer. Cool. Yeah. So he built it.

He's the most creative person in the world. We started doing this Halloween display called Bony Island and it was in our front yard and everyone just became obsessed with it. We got a little too big so the city had to shut us down. Now we do it in different venues. But anyways, we have one neighbor who lives across the street from us and she hates us. She hates us because, yeah, because Boney Island was always so loud Which I get but also it's like two weeks out of the year people have thought she has young kids

So like the kids used to sit on their lawn and just watch people have fun at bony island Because they weren't allowed to come over. You know as funny as when you said but come on I expected her to be like it's one night, but You know, it's funny is when you said, but come on. I expected her to be like, it's one night, but she's like, it's two weeks. By the way, same. It's three months. You've calmed down. And so tell me again, Bryce, just because I was trying

to catch up on this thing. What is Boney Island again? It's a party you guys throw in that tree house? Sorry, Boney Island is a Halloween display that we do on the front yard. We live on a corner lot, so it takes up the whole front yard and side yard. My dad and his friend created a water show. It's kind of like the Bellagio, how it dances to music and we have a maestro.

It's this whole big thing. Imagine being the neighbor. Yeah. No, it's like, I get it. But also everyone else in the neighborhood loves us. They love Boney Island. They love the tree house. And Bryce, this goes on.

Is this going to happen next October? Well, I think so. I hope so. I'll be there. I'm going to be there. I'll be there too. By the way, I'm living in the tree house year-round. I'm going to Germany, too.

I am going to Boney Island next year, 100%. Okay. Okay. I... You said imagine being a neighbor? Garrett, this is right up my alley. Jake's gonna buy the house. Is that where you're at?

Tree house? Oh my God. I would live in there. That's where I would be doing my... Can you imagine the rhino on the wall of that? I was just gonna say I could only imagine the aesthetic in there with you and these stone animals. I'm loving everything your dad's cooking.

Yeah. Well, I used to sleep up there when I was a child. I would go camping up there. It's such a thing with the community that people have, someone came up to the door and was like, hey, can I propose to my girlfriend in your tree house? We walk by it every single day. And it's just such an important thing for for us and we were like, yeah sure whatever

On the news it's been in and on TV shows and commercials all that guys setting us up for some pain Okay, so this really mean neighbor She complained to the city And because we're not we don't have permits for it because this is back in 2001 when it was just like a fun little project that my dad did he didn't think of getting any permits yeah no so how's it a tree yeah it's crazy right so the city i think the city was just being a little petty and was like oh we don't like this thing because it's not permitted. So we're going to make it super difficult to permit this thing.

So after fighting with the city for eight years, we have to take it down. Yeah. What time that is such bullshit. And that's the city of, I agree. And that's the city of Sherman Oaks? That's Los Angeles. So Los Angeles, the mayor of Los Angeles? Okay. I mean that's one of those things where it's like...

This is what LA's worried about right now? I know. That's like of all the things to be sweating. That's what I said. Right? Like you don't really care about this treehouse? All of our issues were taken down a treehouse? I know. Yeah. Come on. Okay.

So anyway. All right. So this is a big setup. I got to say, the sounds of this, this does not sound like our kind of problem on our show. Jake, you know how this ends with me running for mayor. Unless it's honestly Parmesan in the mayor's floor, we might be out of our league. Parmesan the mayor's floor. We might be out of our league. Parmesan, the city. Yeah. Um, maybe fight fire with fire.

Parmesan on the floor. 70s bush. A 70s bush. The hell is that over there? A 70s bush is Parmesan. Yeah. We're saying build another tree house on the neighbor's yard. Yeah.

Well, it'll distract them. All right. So, Bryce, this is a big setup. This is a, the city's letting you down. Where you at? So my question is, my sister and I want to throw a very large going away party. Now we're talking.

For the tree house. And my parents were very cautious to say, don't make it too big where the neighbor is going to call the cops on us because we don't need that. But we want something that's more than just like, oh, thanks for all the fun memories, like a boring little party with all of my parents' friends. No.

We want it to be a part of it. Yeah. How are they? How like do you know how they're going to take the treehouse down? Are you meant to take it down? Is the city taking it down? What does that look like? No. My parents are hiring like a construction crew to come and take it down. Okay. This is terrible. It really is. It's a tragedy. It. Okay. Oh, this is terrible. It really is. It's a tragedy. It's awesome. But that's the thing.

We don't know when they're taking it down. So I'm looking at flights to come home like every other day to be like, okay, should I just book a flight and come in and we'll just have a party? Yes. We need to first plan the party and what exactly it's going to entail. Okay, so I need y'all's help

All right, so Bryce, let's talk it out for a little bit. So it's a beautiful Multi-level tree house in a tree. It's been around forever. It's part of the community. They got to take it down so you want to throw a party or is it more just about a big party or you just want to You know give it a Viking funeral type thing, something to really honor it before it's gone. Where's your like, where's everything at? Well, my parents want to just give it a goodbye party, but my sister and I wanted to give it

a good old fashioned Viking hoedown. Yeah, something big. Something big that I can tell my kids that other neighbors who loved the tree house can tell their kids. Like the tree house is so legendary that I feel like it just also has to have a legendary ending. Goodbye. Yeah. Yes. Did you say you do you have kids, Bryce? No, I do not. You do not. OK. Well, I kind of it's like we're saying, Jake, I mean, this is pretty, you know, it's kind of a grief. It's like it really is. It's kind of like a funeral, honestly.

So it's a little strange in that way. But I think you're right. I would say let's get ahead of this and let's pull the plug on our own versus let the city determine when this thing comes down. That would be what I would start with. So I think what we need to pitch, Gareth, is themes for a big blowout party that her parents are happy with, because, you know, it's their thing so

their friends are gonna be there but then there's some also younger people that can enjoy it too right yep I think you're right right and we my sister and I were talking and we said okay mom and dad your friends can come during the day that'll be like the nice party. You can say goodbye, whatever. And then the moment it hits like eight o'clock, that's when the real party starts. Well, the problem is, is we've got another catch on this, Bryce, as you know. You got a Karen as a neighbor and she's going to call.

I'm not worried about her. I'm sorry. She's we want to make nice with her now. No, she's going to rise. Who lives in Denver? You think we give a worried about her. I'm sorry. She's, do we want to make nice with her now? No, she's gonna call the police. Bryce, who lives in Denver, you think we give a shit about her? I think you're crazy. She's gonna call the police.

She's gonna call the police. I don't care, bring him. Bryce and I are willing to live in jail for this, right Bryce, tell him. Yeah, I'll fight. Yeah, exactly. I'll punch a cop. I won't be, I'm actually out of town for the event,

but I'm in spirit. My God, is it exciting. Well why don't we do this? I think we really, this is what I would pitch lightly, is that we have this party, you want to grieve the tree on its own. You could call it something like tree later or thanks for the member trees, you could, what we could do is we could have this party and we could have a construction guy there that night and maybe every half hour we can just kind of take

a piece of it down and kind of keep it in bigger pieces so that we can keep the wood and maybe when the time is right repurpose the time is right, repurpose the lumber to rebuild, maybe not a tree house this epic, but something in for your kids, for your sister's kids, or even just a little house in the backyard that isn't like over, you know, overseeing Sherman Oaks.

But really like, like it is, I mean it's always weird when you party after a funeral, but it is like, there is something cathartic about it. So maybe you are just like, yeah, you have a bartender there, you have like some drinks in the yard, you're playing music, and you just have someone help you,

like the construction people who are gonna take it down, have them there that night, and every half hour take down a chunk so you can sorta get used to it and it's on your terms. I think that's interesting. I got a question. How much weight can that thing carry? Because you probably, you know, if it's not permitted,

how many drinking adults can be in that tree house at once? I could be super wrong about this, but I'd say like 20 people. Okay, and how big of a party are you thinking of throwing? Well, the party would take place on the front lawn, so you could see the tree house. Yeah. And then if you want to go in the tree house, you can, but you don't have to spend the whole night up there.

So one kind of sweet thing I would do is I would get your parents to do all the photos over the years of the tree house and all the people in the neighborhood. I'd pass it around. First, I'm going to give my sweet pitch and then I'm going to give what I would do as my second pitch. So then I would have inside the walls of the tree house, all the photos and different memories. I would have, um, an opportunity for people to speak.

So, cause it's not just like a party, you're not gonna do themed, you're not gonna dress up like pirates. It's not gonna be one of those kinds of crazy things, but everybody can go around and talk about what the tree house meant to them. I would have the speakers facing your neighbor's house. There we go.

Now we're. Just a little bit of a little bit of salt in the wound. Yep. But, but I would have this whole idea of like, it's going, so let's all honor it. So the party is there to basically say the people who got engaged in it, somebody who grew up used to go to it. People could come back and essentially say their goodbyes. The second pitch that I would do is closer to what Gareth was saying.

And I would have the party to what Gareth was saying. And I would have the party while it's being taken down. And the part I would be having everybody getting drunk and you guys are all part of the tearing it down process. That you've got a couple people, the construction people who are telling people when things aren't safe, like the big roof, but different people can go in at different times and like kick a wall out, rip about, like, you know, like it could be part of like a fun, crazy experience as opposed to this sad thing. Like it'd be fun to take it apart. Yeah, you if you did have, if you wanted to keep it like on the lawn, you could do that.

But like every, you could be rotating people up there, you know, and you could have like, it's kind of like the balcony, you know, and so people could go up there for a minute. And, you know, you slowly start to take, you take the roof down, take the stairs down, you know, leave it so you're kind of taking it down in an order where people can still go up there as the night goes on. But I think something like that, I mean that feels like a way to real time kind of grieve it, celebrate it, and get it down on your terms.

What if we do it like a funeral? What if we do do it like where people talk about it, there can be a microphone, there can be music, like you're saying pictures, things like that. That can kind of, not that it's like one continuous event. Yeah, but it starts off with the funeral vibe. Yeah, you could kind of start it there speeches I exactly I like inviting the people from the neighborhood. I think that's good I'll come by

Let's and then but what's the second half Gareth? Then I think it is kind of taking it apart I mean, I don't know if you necessarily want to kick it apart But but you could kind of like, like when I used to work. How do you do that safely though? I mean, I would say you're not going to be able to take the whole thing down,

but there's going to be just an element of your kind of destruction. Look, your dad's there, your dad built the thing. I mean, your dad could probably start taking pieces of it down. I have an idea, Gareth. Yeah. So, at every big kids' party, what they have in LA is there's this section of the party

where they do the big old fucking piñata. Yeah. I'm looking at a big old wooden piñata up in that tree. And you know what the piñata looks like, Jake? The neighbor. Yeah, you would. But I think you get a big pull. And everybody takes turns from down beneath, hitting the piñata. And I would say you fill the house with candy.

So that if you can pop holes in it, you turn it into a tree piñata. A triniata? Triniata. And so the party starts with speeches. Everybody remembers it. Then you've got a fun time where you take out this big pole and you go around and everybody takes turns. They get three wax and you literally put a bunch of candy and fun stuff at the bottom of it.

And the idea of it is, is whoever can pop holes in it first and start breaking it down, that's the goal. I love that. Right? Because actually everybody else stands further away so that they don't get hurt. But one person who's got the guts goes up there,

takes a couple of big hacks. And then what might happen is the whole thing might fall in big chunks. Ugh. I don't think it's gonna fall in big chunks, but I like where your head is. Just beat it with a pole. So you like the idea of the pinata feeling. Yes.

I think that's great. What do you think about like a theme, Bryce? Where's your head at with that? I just don't know. I love a theme. I have a theme for every party. I just don't know what the theme would be for this one. Well, the theme could be like a final salute. It could be everybody has to dress like they're at a funeral. I think you could do funeral. I also do think, and I think this was pointed out as a hacky pitch earlier, but I would pitch it that it could be pirate themed and you could call it like

Tresor Island or something like that because it is kind of like it does have this Yes And that you could put you could put like fake gold and goodies up there. Yeah Yeah, it kind of is like Like it just I mean it really does just have that vibe. So you could do that. I mean, and you could really like, you really could theme it up like that.

You know what I would do at the beginning of the party is if you're doing a thing, what do you think about like a Treasure Island pirates thing, Bryce? I like it. Because what you could do at the beginning is you could if there's neighborhood kids you could actually store like have like a little scavenger hunt and one of the clues is up there so at the beginning of the party you're actually showing the beauty of the tree house and the fun of it that all throughout like the front yard there's little clues and things hidden and so you're seeing the point of it and that is when you were growing up you you played in there, you had sleepovers

in there, you camped in there. So it's meant for fun. And if neighborhood kids at the beginning of it are all enjoying it, well, it's a really stupid thing to take down. So you're doing that. Then the middle of the party is after that, when it's done, everybody kind of talks about their memories or what they're going to miss about it. And then when the parents go to bed and it becomes night,

you can turn it into the pinata. Cause that's a raging ending party. Yes. Yeah. I like that. I like giving it the send-off that it truly deserves. Cause I don't want it to be just a sad like, Oh, one day random men come and take it down. Yeah. Then why do you have another question? Go brush. Yeah.

No, you go, you go. Um, uh, if we were to make a sign that was to hang on the tree house. What would you recommend that sign say? Just something to say like goodbye tree house. All right. No, but I hear what you're saying and I think you should do a sign. I think it should be something of the, the city of Los Angeles. And if it's mayor Bass, uh, mayor Bass in the city of Los Angeles, and if it's Mayor Bass, Mayor Bass and the city of Los Angeles are making us take down this tree.

Thank you Sherman Oaks for allowing us to be part of your community for the last 20 years. And the reason I say that is it could be a last effort dish of people coming out and saying like, hold on. I'm a big believer in it's not over until it's over. Yeah, I do think, I think you could definitely do something like that. And it's like, if people wanted to like take,

like you're saying, like someone proposed to their future spouse up there, like if people wanted to take a tour of it, like as it's going away, it kind of does give it that status of like a landmark almost. And I don't know. I mean, I think you're right. I have a pitch, Gareth. What? Another party pitch. Okay.

Because the hidden it is fun. The kid, the scavenger is fun. I would say, Bryce, here's a different pitch. You just let a group of people come. Your parents, they might, when you pitch it to them, I could see your parents going like, we're not doing the pinata thing. It's not safe. And then you go pirates and they say no, and this was a wasted call, right? Here's a pitch that could really happen that you could make happen with your group. The party is just the party. Your parents do a thing. Everybody's sad. The neighborhoods come out. Everybody's wearing khaki pants and button downs. It's a really nice thing. A couple glasses of white wine and, you know, everyone's giving each other hugs. And after five minutes, everyone's talking about life anyhow, right?

Then you go around a little bit, people make speeches. At night, you and a group of your inner circle do a slumber party in the treehouse. Oh, fun. And you stay up all night, you all sleep in there, you get like 12 to 20 of you, but you go, you camp in it one last time. Yeah, I like that. And that night you're really honoring it. And it's not necessarily for the neighbor two blocks away. They can come to the little one with your parents, but the real party is at midnight. I don't know if you guys are going to be smoking weed, drinking, eating candy, whatever you

guys do that's fun. That's what you guys are doing all night, but your group spends one more night. And maybe it's you and your siblings and your parents. I don't know what that group is. Like a Goonies sequel. But you do a Goonies sequel. I like it. It'll be like drinks, drinks on the top floor.

Yeah. The middle room. Yeah. Yeah. The middle room. Yeah. We'll close all the windows. Yep. Yeah. And it's everybody has to sleep there.

So even though it's uncomfortable, somebody could be like, I'm dying to go to my bed. It's like, nope, last night. But you do one last night of new big memories. And then you let the city do what it's gonna do. Which is bullshit. We're on record. But what do you think of that? Let your parents have the quote unquote party and the late night VIP party is one final

sleepover, Raeger, that you don't have to contact the city, you don't have to worry about noise complaints, but you guys go in there and you spend that last night, you don't go back inside until nine in the morning. I Love time. I absolutely love time. Okay, that's special for just that's right The inner circle for the inner sir and that's and then maybe Maybe someone like Jake comes over with a statue of a silverback and sort of spoons that on the top floor when you're all there Yes, I mean, if I could get a statue of a silver like, I would love to have that. Yeah, that's not the joke part.

If anybody has access to a statue of a silver like. No, no, no, no, no. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I'm a silver bag. What did I call it? Silver like Gorilla. So hilarious thing to imagine that Steve Berg. Yeah. That's nine different basketball teams and hipsters. Well, Bryce, I think that's great. Do us a favor and just, you know, take pictures, send us

send us stuff so we can do a real good update on something like this. But yeah, that's a great way to go out on it. okay I love it I will absolutely follow up with y'all so yeah what are you gonna do well okay well first I'm gonna pitch the pinata to my parents great hopefully they don't say no but if they do then pitch I'll pitch to them like oh just like a party with me and my sister And we just invite all of our friends over and we just have one of our classic tree house parties that we had growing up And they think it's fine, and then we bring a beer pong table up there

We have handles we have weed for everyone We have weed for everyone. And then they just- Cocaine. Keep going. Take music out. Whatever you want. And then they don't really know what happened that night until the next morning.

When they come outside. I think that sounds nice. And everyone is just passed out in there. So much puke. Yeah. But I think that sounds nice. I think that could work. I do too. I think that sounds nice. I think that could work. I do too.

I think that's great. And if you guys take it to the piñata route, you got to film that, because that would be something that would be very interesting to see. Yes. If that happens, that's a pretty cool ending too. Well, and let us know when this is happening too, because if I'm in town, I will come by.

OK. And I noticed that's the second time I said that, Jacob, both times, really just sort of cold on the idea, but I will- Well, also, you're not gonna do it. You say this and it never happens. I'm gonna be there. Need I remind you, I almost dressed up like the Green Goblin

for a party in Chattanooga. I know, we spent a whole call on that. Luke did it, Luke did it. But you ran out the back and ran from there. Stop! Stop! Enough! You did! Calls over! The follow up was, we saw

Gareth, we approached him and he ran away. Come on! Like a Green Goblin would! Thank you, Bryce! Keep us posted! Bye, Bryce! Bye! Keep us posted. Bye, Grace. Bye. This episode is sponsored by the Crisp, Refreshing, Angry Orchard. Listen, guys, there's a litany of things that we shouldn't get angry about, but let's be honest, sometimes it's hard not to be. Don't get angry at Lamorne Morris for lying, for being a cheater, a faker, a liar.

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Hello. Hi. Hi. Welcome to the show. Thank you. You're very welcome. You excited? Yes, very. I'm excited to have my problem solved. Your life's about to change and probably a mediocre way. Can we get your name, please? My name is Emery. Emery, great name. Emery, where are you calling from? I'm calling from Michigan. Michigan, whereabouts in Michigan? You want to say? Ann Arbor. This is a college story.

It's a college. Are you in college? I am. I go to the University of Michigan. You hung over right now? Ha ha, not currently. You know, Emory, there used to be a pink house that a bunch of my friends lived in, in Ann Harbor. A pink house? Yeah, it was like a pink house.

I don't remember where, but we used to all go up and party in the pink house. Have you heard of these legendary party stories? Yes, I have heard of the pink house party. Pink house party? Pretty good. Yeah. Pretty good. All right.

So what do you got? Okay. So me and six of my best friends were all girls. We live in this beautiful college house together. Yes, exactly. We have brand new neighbors that just moved in. Second semester just started and they're all freshmen boys, which we were obviously immediately concerned about. But the concern definitely grew when one of my roommates started getting woken

up every morning by like a tapping on her second story window. Like rain almost, but there was no rain. The air was dry. And then I began to notice in our sub-arctic temperatures a frozen waterfall of substance down the side of our house. So we all hypothesized that these kids were opening their top story window and peeing on our house. It wasn't until a week ago

when kind of us were standing on the porch doing nothing and one of them came out and started peeing on our house. It was during the big lions game. One of them was so drunk we caught him in action. Yeah. Holy shit. Hold on, so there's a video of this. What are we, we're looking. We sent you some visual aids. Yeah one one big concern here is to be honest not even my house

The health of these boys. I don't know if you guys are seeing the video of the window. They're dehydrated Yeah, do you see how sticky that is super yellow and that's going they're aiming for our windows They're aiming for our windows They're pissing on the windows on purpose on Purpose yeah, they're aiming. It's a game for them. I put up a sign that said stop peeing on the windows You're gross and they just started aiming for the sign This is a lot more complicated than I thought at first We're just like we're gross from the get, but college us is the grossest.

That's what you have to understand. I wouldn't put an us in this. Maybe you're part of this. I'm not connecting with peeing on a neighbor. You don't go peeing in the pink house, you pink house guys don't pee. If I was a freshman boy and I lived next to a house of six junior girls, I'm not pissing on their fucking

green nose. I agree. That's definitely not what I'm doing. That is not a move. I'm trying to get and I live next to a house of six junior girls. I'm not pissing on their fucking green nose. I agree. That's definitely not what I'm doing. That is not a move. I'm trying to get over there to hang out. 100%. I'm trying to be charming. I want them to think I'm cool. Yeah, I'm hydrating way better.

Yeah. So, Emory, these freshman boys go on the roof, they get drunk, and they piss on your house. It's crazy. Yes. Okay, have you, we had any confrontation with them besides the sign? Okay, there have been a few instances of confrontation. One of them was when we were all outside

and we saw him emerge and poke his little, his little thing out the window and start peeing on our house. And we all screamed at him. Uh, another instance happened when one of my roommates who's actually in the car with me in case I miss anything, uh, through her window, she's the one who gets her window peed on. We we yelled at them many a time. Um, but the weird thing is after the last confrontation one of them, uh, taped like a piece of paper with his Snapchat up to the window.

Like it might be a flirt, which is even more off-putting. And this is the wildest animal kingdom I've ever heard of. By the way, if this works as a flirt, I'm lost. No, it doesn't, right, Emory? No, no, no. We have higher standards than that, I fear. Yeah, these guys have taken themselves. I could see a world where they think they're involved

in a little bit of a game with you all, but I can't imagine thinking that this is in some way attractive. I got my first punch. All right, I got one too, go for it. So you got six girls, so it's whatever, it's whatever the cost is divided by six. But I think you go to, you know what actually, one of our sponsors is Simply Safe.

Simply Safe, we're having the same pitch. Go ahead. And we could maybe try to contact them through Headgum and see if Simply Safe would send you guys cameras to put outside, and I would let these fools know that you're filming them and you're going to post it. Now, I'll tell you why.

No guy, maybe 5% of guys and 100% of ducks, like the size of their dicks while peeing from a low angle shot. No. This is not a shot that you go like, I promise you I'm more impressive, but this is what you're seeing right now. Like a toilet bowls POV of a dick.

The Ann Arbor cold. The Ann Arbor cold. Yeah, no. I would put a sign, I would put a sign that says, keep in mind boys, it's February in Michigan. What we're seeing isn't impressive and we are filming it and we will post it. Yes.

That's basically what I was gonna say. I was gonna go fake cameras to make them just think they're being filmed, but you're right, we have a sponsor. And then I'd also say, and thanks for the Snapchat, happy to tag you yes happy to happy to acknowledge you and then I'd write little guy yeah happy to I'm assuming it's bigger in the summer we've just seen them in the cold maybe

be less proud of what you're showing oh Oh, the. Okay, this is good. Blind faith. But that that's what we should do. I think we like we'll try to connect the dots and get you a setup. I mean, it is very easy to use. It's it'll be. It's the best. Yes, it'll be very. It takes a second to set up.

It takes. It's nothing. And it works. So it would be a way for you guys to just. And they're waterproof? Yeah. They're going to pee on for you guys to just- And they're waterproof? Yeah. They're gonna pee on it. They're outdoor, so they're waterproof.

Yeah, they're outdoor. But here's the thing, Emory- Rob, thank God you came in. Jake was about to hammer me so hard. I was, I was. I was. But here's the thing, Emory, we're gonna contact, if it's not that,

then just get on Amazon or go to a local place and get a cheap security camera. You can get fakes. Not fakes. Yeah. Oh, you're talking about just scare them. Well, just make them be like, I can't piss out there anymore. But I'm talking about, you have six girls.

What's one of these cameras going to cost? 129 bucks? Yeah, you're right. Divided by six. Ladies, one night toko out drinking and eating wings. How much is that? 12ivided by six ladies one night to go out drinking and eating wings. How much is that? One twenty nine divided by six, Jake. About twenty, about twenty five, twenty six, twenty seven, twenty eight, thirty dollars. Okay.

Twenty one dollars. Twenty one dollars. You're not thinking about tax. Rob, you're not thinking about tax, baby. But Jake was doing the Michigan tax edition. Yeah, I went to Iowa, University of Iowa. It's a different game out there. Come on now. So Emory, what do you think of a note?

from within the window That's saying letting them know that in the winter they should know that everything shrinks You're filming it and you will be posting this. Yep. I Think this is good. I think this might put a stop to their their shenanigans. Yeah. I'm gonna implement the note as soon as I get home. It's really bad. I wouldn't do the note yet. I would get the cameras up. I would get the cameras up. Or you could do it in stages, Gareth. You could say, you could do the note and saying we are getting a camera installed,

if you guys know this keeps going, you leave us no choice, we have to do this. But we're not looking for a big battle with you guys. We just don't want our windows fucking pissed on. I would start with- Of course it's gross. I would go with the kids, so yellow, it's like a vitamin piss.

I would start with the way get the cameras up first That's what I would do just because then it seems like look this party's over right here. Here's here's B Because I think A's are winner. Yeah, let's just take a dump on their door Emory Plan B for a while. Let me tell you this as a guy, guys think they're crazy. You know what you could also do? Tampons. Okay, that's the other thing.

I'm an art major, so I just have gallons of fake blood laying around. So we were going to do the tampons. I would say our cycle synced, but I would say if I'm a guy and I think I'm a fucking legend, I'm an Ann Arbor dude in the fucking Lions rule and dude fucking, I hate Harbaugh and fucking our life's rule, we're drinking so much fucking beer in college fucking rules and it's so funny dude. Trevor fucking pissed on this girl's window dude, it's fucking hilarious. And then I saw six bloody tampons on my door.

I'd be like, I want to move back in my mother's house. And I'm not. I am scared. That might be the true part. I'm a boy. I'm a little boy. It's going to be cold, and they'll go like, and if I also knew like a 20-year-old woman took a dump on, like she pooed, I hate this. How was it even Positive Girls did that?

And boy, how do you do they? Yeah, and that's an enormous dump. And then you go like, held this in for 18 hours for you guys. Yeah, oh my gosh. I think I like the tampon thing because unrelated to any of this for us, there is actually a pile of human poop

on their front lawn right now. Ew. What? What are you talking about? They have bigger fish to. Ew. What? What are you talking about? They have bigger fish to frow right now. What are you talking about? They're pooping in their yard? I don't know. Do they have a toilet?

It's a fraternity house. Is this an issue with the toilet? Oh, it's a fraternity house. The window that they pee out of is the bathroom. They pee out of the bathroom window. Right. There's no rhyme or reason to any of this. Well, the rhyme or reason of pe of this. All right, well look.

Well the rhyme or reason of peeing out the window is they're fucking drunk, and literally the toilet might be clogged is what started it. And they're so beer drunk. You know this call started. I get it, if I could pee out the window I would. This call started with me being like,

man, those are the good old days. And now I'm like, thank God I have a place for plumbing and this is not an issue I'm dealing with. But by the way, Emory, you said something interesting. You said, if I could pee out the window, I would. Oh boy. Well, do you want to get into this? Yeah. Every girl wishes that they could pee out a window, I think.

Well, you know, you could do. You could pee in a cup and throw it out the window. There's a thing called. Another thing we're thinking of. There's a thing called the competition. There's a thing called. Okay, that was another thing we were thinking of. There's a thing called the she-wee. It's not a competition, it's not a competition. There's a thing called the she-wee, which is like a thing that women can pee in on the fly.

Like men have the advantage, obviously. You could go that route. I would tier, if I were you, I would tier them like this. I would do cameras A. I would do B, tampons, which is just wild, and then C, I would just engage in the piss war. That's what I would do. What would your order be, Jake? I would do A, camera, with a note, but I wouldn't do the note that's like a game. And I'll tell

you why. An 18 year old in college has nothing to do. You guys, it's like one class in a day and a lot of these kids don't work. So it's like, oh, is this the... That's the She-Wee. So the She-Wee is a real option. Although the P is going to be so disappointing, Gareth. Yeah, I mean, yeah.

It sort of looks like a Commedia dell'arte nose. Yeah, it's going to just dribble down. So I would be, now, Emory, let me ask you this. If you guys and them get in a battle, is that fun for you guys or annoying for you guys? That's fun for us. We're all seniors. We're graduating. So that's what I mean. This would give you guys, it would be kind of entertaining.

Yeah. So then I would do a note. I would do the camera and I would consider if you want a war, start off one, peeing cups and throw it out the window at them. Two, put the tampons at both of their front door and their back door. Okay. And say you want to have an outgross off guys. You're dealing with 22 year old ladies. I Think I like this Number one go ahead the tampon really you're gonna start with tampons. What do you think Emma? Yeah, we think we might From Emma Emma real quick to go under the tampon

I'm imagine her smoking a cigar cut in half and she just instantly goes, yeah, we're gonna go with the tampons. Tampon and she crushes a beer on her forehead. Yeah. Yeah, wait, here's the thing. I'm the roommate. This was a nice alarm for a semester. First semester, it was a stream on my window

and it was somewhat pleasant to wake up to before it was freezing. So, am I screwed out of my alarm now? There's no heroes in this. Now, look, I'm sure if you said to wake up to before it was freezing, so. Am I screwed out of my line now? There's no heroes in this. I'm gonna have to get some again? Look, I'm sure if you said to them, we like it, those guys will happily peer in your window to wake you up. Yeah, yeah. Be careful.

You're dealing with the males, and as two of them, don't overdo it. Yeah, but don't forget how crazy the females are. Well, listen, what I like is- Is that what college like a senior college here's some wild women. Here's the advantage in the fluid war. You all have a gear the guys don't.

So if you do want to go the tampon route, it really is this it will have an impact. Yes, it really will. It's like that's going to that's's gonna end the game. So Emory or it's going to turn it into a war. Or they're gonna start bloodletting themselves. It could get worse. They are shitting on their lawn. Yeah, it will get worse guys. Inexcusable. So Emory, Emma, we've given you guys some pretty solid pitches. Walk us through what you're going to do to handle this problem. Okay, so what we're going to do is it's actually been semi nice out for the past week,

but it's definitely going to get freezing again. We're going to wait for it to get freezing again. And then we're going to equip the tampons with the fake blood. They have a really nice front porch. We could freeze them to the porch. They have rain lights nice front porch. We could freeze them to the porch. They have rain lights going around their house. We could tie them to the string light. Oh, great. Yeah, they're asking for it. But yeah, no, like we now that tampon plan is a go, we're going to go for it. Okay, great. So then follow Yeah, follow up with us what happens after and then we'll talk about the camera as plan B if we need it

Okay, I'm gonna be honest I think simply safe might have just dropped off of the plan a little bit based on our plan Yeah, but we had we had him on the line for a minute But I do think they've kind of moved away from I say we go we go tampon and then you guys call us back and let us know what happened. All right, sounds good. All right, Emory, Emma, go on you wild animals. Thank you for the advice. We'll do it.

Thanks guys. Bye. Holy fuck. Holy fuck. Gross. Very happy not to be in college. 2025 is here and Mint Mobile has a resolution for you. Skip the gym. Skip the fad diets.

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365 day returns quince.com slash here to help Hello Hey guys. Hi, welcome back to the show Yeah, so Gareth and I are in the dark here. So could you tell us who this is and what your first call was? Yes, this is the Matteo. I called you guys about the whole Duck. Oh, yes the duck good you are. Yes call was so So funny, so, so funny. This call was funny before the penis got involved.

I agree. And then the penis got involved. So, Mattel, walk us through what your problem was again. I think this was episode one of season two, so it's an easy listen. Yeah. But walk us through what the problem was, what our solution was, and then what you did. Our solutions were madness. Yeah.

Yeah. So I live in an apartment complex and my problem was that I got really close with this duck that lived on the property because I gave him a cookie. And he turned out to just be crazy. And it kind of became a little too much. And now I had this duck that was like too attached and would and would chase me every time I would leave the apartment, he would climb into people's cars and stuff. And yeah, it is weird. Remind me of the penis thing again. Okay, catchphrase.

Ducks have a nine inch corkscrew penis that looks like pasta and it's really scary. I did not know it was nine inches. Yeah. It is. How big is the whole duck? 12 inches? Yeah. Duck's 12, 13 inches. Just built just by the way, built right. Yeah, just that nine. I'm five, 10.

My dick is four foot three inches. What a fantasy. I got duck proportion. Yeah. I mean, is it a fantasy or. What a fantasy. I got duck proportion. Yeah. I mean, is it a fantasy or is that a living night? It is a great comment for a four foot. I might be short and ugly, but I got dark proportions, baby. My Doug's almost as long as me, baby. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,

hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey duck and then I should build a or or not build but I should get a duck costume and kind of be like a really bigger you know duck. The issue was to intimidate it. Yeah when you

walked from your car to your apartment the duck would really engage with you. It would fly it would get on your shoulder it would would show you its penis. And so we were saying, either for that walk, wear the duck costume, or have a taxidermy duck like you're already spoken for in Duck World or something. Right. Yes. Yes. Well, shit, Matteo, what'd you do? Yeah. Okay. Shit, Mattel, what'd you do? Yeah, okay so I got a it wasn't a Taxi Dermieduck, but I got a very like realistic looking Statue you really did

And I put it out And I put it out like on my porch And I do want to add that I had each and every intention of obtaining a duck costume but when I called it was like really close to like Christmas so there was like a whole geeky you know kind of stuff. Wait sorry I don't understand. I don't understand why Christmas would have an issue. It's our busy season for the ducks. I thought you were gonna say Halloween. Because well because there's a ton of stuff going on and. Well, it's our busy season for the ducks. I thought you were gonna say Halloween. No, because, well, because there's a ton of stuff going on, and then, you know, it's tough to get, like, packages,

because everything is, you know, back to back. Oh, I got you. Oh, okay. You were ordering, okay, gotcha, gotcha, okay. Yeah, yeah. I was with you, Garrison. I still am a little iffy, but I'm letting him go. Yeah, still a little.

It doesn't have to happen before Christmas Day. Yeah, that's what I was going, yeah, yeah, I'm like, there's really not a heart like come on, otherwise Christmas. I mean, I was going to get it, but, you know, the Christmas season. So obviously you got to do that before Christmas. I mean, that's the way people on follow ups could tell they didn't take our idea. Yeah, it's the thing you pitch. But then with the holiday season coming up, I decided to just do my own thing. A great way to let us down softly is from now and be like,

I want to do your pitch pitch but it was a holiday season So what I ended up doing was and for now on let's make a rule if they say that we just go That makes sense. We let them go. Yeah, that makes sense. That's the busy time of year. All right, mateo So you were gonna do the duck costume, but the holiday season. So what'd you do? Uh, yeah, so I did get a duck statue. And I did see results. And I'll be honest, I have a few mixed emotions. Wait, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. Before we get to your emotional state.

You got a duck statue and you put it outside your door? Yes, I put it like on our porch and he would like to come up there. Yeah. And so the ducks saw this and has stopped coming around. Um, Gandalf is gone. I think it was a little hold on the tail before we get to the reaction to the result, which I understand is heavy Yeah, this was what the call was about Gareth

We're gonna deal with the next thing next but right now you said you were having a fucking Duck whose weird little dick was scaring you and we got rid of it! Whose dick you callin' Little? That is two-thirds of the duck's size. I agree. His big little cork. His big... I just always want to say little with dick. Yeah, I understand. That's human. But his duck had a nine-inch cock. His big ol' pasta dick. But, Matteo, the statue actually psychologically worked with the duck. The duck came to attack you, saw another one and went like, Motherfucker, he moved on. It did. Yeah. Wow.

I did not expect that to work. Actually, no, like all of our pitches. You know what I might do? You know what I literally might do because of this? We have raccoons that come in our backyard and eat my outdoor cat's food. I might get a fake raccoon. I might take a pitch. Order it now though, because of the holiday season. But the new pitch, if you do a Matteo, means you just get the thing that looks like the thing and put it outside. You get a statue of your problem. I might, you get a statue of your problem. I might you get a statue of your problem is the Mateo. I might tell the raccoon. That's what happens. All right. But the idea worked

and where you at? Yeah. Okay. Um, I think I feel a little bit of regret. Yeah, I kind of miss my duck buddy. Welcome to every breakup I've ever had, my king. Yeah, it's a grass-always greener. I got to mateo this lady, and once I have, I go like, what a mistake I've made. So she was mean to me, so what? Built a statue of Sheila, now she's gone.

Yeah. Who's this barfly outside of Jake's apartment door? She's the new Sheila get lost Oh, this is awkward. I guess I can't out of the bag Mind my Sheila would be smoking a Parliament light cigarette being a black miniskirt have some scratchers in one hand Duck penis coming out of the dress So Matteo you miss the fucking duck, huh? Yeah, well, and so I did talk to a few people.

A few people that are on my property. There's a guy that lives directly below me that would give bread and like grain to them. And he says that a few ducks got actually hit by a car. Maybe that was Gandalf, maybe not. Oh, okay. No bells getting rung anymore. Yeah, but hold on, hold on. A car hit multiple ducks? Yeah, it's strange.

This is like the Christmas logic. Yeah, it was the hollandaise. Because we've got like more than like 20 ducks like on this property and we live like right next to a pond. So I think it's just like, there's just like a kind of a. Well, that's a- So there's a chance that Gandalf has been murdered. You think it was premeditated.

If one car hit multiple ducks, they're not like the ducks were tied down. That's true. I can see one duck get hit, the other ones can literally fly away. It's strange. It's strange, Matteo. So here's my pitch. Now I'm invested. Now I care.

You pulled me into this weird world of yours. We got to get to the bottom of what happened with Gandalf. Wow. You got to start going out there with those vanilla wafers. We got to find them. The cookie you gave me in the first place was a vanilla wafer, am I right? Yes, it was. Yeah.

Good job. Good pull. Well, I remember that because that was wild, Mattel. It was wild. It's a crazy instinct. No doubt. So I think you gotta start going down by the water and just leave a couple vanilla wafers. You're talking about wafering the yard.

I'm talking about wafering the yard because what I want is Gandalf to smell it and go like, that son of a bitch wants me back. I want you to take a little time to go out there, wafer it, stand there. I mean, we do have devices that call ducks. You could get a duck calling device and you could stand out there. I think that's right. Start using that. See if we can maybe bring Gandalf back if he's still out there. I think that's right. Start using that. See if we can maybe bring Gandalf back if he's still out there.

I think emotionally, Mattel, you got to know if your guy's still there. I agree. Get closure. And then I would try to strike up a bond with another duck if you don't get Gandalf back. Don't do that to Gandalf. It's too soon. What are you talking about? I'm not saying right now. It's a holiday season, I'm just saying when you feel like

you can get back out there again. I know, but it's just, this is crazy early Gareth. I'm ready to move on. I know, but emotionally you don't deal with anything, you just go from one gandalf to the next. We're trying to process the loss. Alright, okay. What are you gonna run away from the bachelor? It's in about me About me a bite G bite through your tongue right now Yes, it's it's true that there are plenty of ducks in the pond, but like exactly No here, and I saw a bunch of ducks just kind of playing in the snow And it just made me think like man like I wish you know Gandalf was like just kind of playing in the snow and it just made me think like man like I wish you know Gandalf was like here.

So let me tell you something, let me tell you something. Let me tell you something, you made a big mistake. Okay you didn't realize how good you had it. We called into a podcast of two of the smartest guys in the world and dealing with the dumbest problems in the world. We told you to Mateo the situation and it worked. And then you woke up and you go, what a fuck up. So now this is not a follow-up.

This is a second call. It's how do I get my love back? Yes. And the way you get your love back is one, you admit you made a mistake. Two, who cares if when you're walking to your apartment to your car, if you get attacked. That's part of the relationship you're in.

You're in a weird relationship, man. Yeah. You know, you picked a weird duck. I get it, you know. I mean, I think he's right. My favorite part is obviously when Jake said, you made a huge mistake and you took our advice. But I think that's what you should do.

I mean, start with the wafers, get a duck collar, go out there. I think duck collar number one. Try to get him back. Yeah, I say get the duck collar, then go out there with wafers after you do it. Get every duck in the community and just start looking around.

If Gandalf is back, you gotta earn back his trust. I remember this duck. This was a very funky looking creature that probably got bullied if we remembered. And then maybe- No, he's that size. Maybe he got his feelings hurt. Jake, are we above putting a flyer on a tree or two,

asking if you've seen this duck? Yeah, I mean, you look at it, he's got turkey eyes. Yeah, so I would- What a beauty. I would put flyers up around Have you seen Gandalf? Fractured relationship with him looking to mend and then I read an email a Description red eyes penis two-thirds of his body or you just put a photo up. Yeah. Yeah

That's a photo and then maybe a description just to let a description just I wouldn't talk about his big duck dick well I would I would that's where Jake and I are obviously splitting but I would bring up the penis in the flyer I wouldn't maybe a little thing where people could tear that hold on maybe people could tear the number off and I see have you seen my duck it's got a great big deck I'm not you don't do that that's not what I'm pitching though I'm saying miss missingalf, world's greatest duck. Didn't know how good I had it. Parentheses, holiday season. Slash nine inch dick? No, I'm not done. If seen, please call. You put the number there or emails so people can get in touch with you. You'll know it's him.

He's got big old turkey eyes eyes some miscoloring around the bill Not a penis that you can see from space. I wouldn't do that because if I see that corkscrew cock I'm not giving you the number I'm not calling and saying I'm a duck with a big dick. I'm doing the duck to the email Oh, you think you're gonna have 15 people trying to kidnap the duck. That's like saying I got a lost dog. It's full of gold I mean, people trying to kidnap the duck. That's like saying, I got a lost dog, it's full of gold. I don't. I actually don't think that's a one-to-one,

but I appreciate how proud you are. Mateo, I think what you gotta do, I think Gareth is right, put some flyers up, get a duck collar, get those vanilla wafers, and let's get Gandalf home. And then call us back. Let us know. With an update on this one, this is a big one.

It's a big one. And then hopefully what's gonna happen is what I think is gonna happen because I've got a lot of experience in these kind of relationships is you guys are gonna get back together and then he's gonna start being terrible to you again. And you're gonna call back and then we'll find you. We'll get you out of the situation. And if it's a sad story, we'll never take your call again

and people forget about it. Thanks so much, Mattel. Appreciate it. Bye. See you guys. Alright. Thanks. Fuck thanks I love the saga it's not real I love the game a little video that he sent over oh gosh that's it this is the story of my encounters with gandalf the duck I will start at the beginning we named him gandalf because when we found him he was blocking the stairs to our apartment start at the beginning. We named him Gandalf because when we found him,

he was blocking the stairs to our apartment and it wasn't easy to pass him. But after doing some research, I found out that when ducks wag their tails like this, it means that they like you. And so I found myself constantly stepping out of my apartment to take a peek at him or I take a break from work and go out and sit with him for five or ten minutes and he just had this really goofy, quirky personality that I felt drawn to in a way if that makes any sense. And I could tell that he was slowly becoming more and more comfortable with me to the point that I was actually very surprised to hear quacking right outside my friend's home.

You can't come in. You can't come in. Oh my lord. What's up, buddy? Now this I felt was a turning point for me and Gandalf because since I work from home I got to sit outside with him for about 45 minutes to one hour and just hang out. I'm a photographer and videographer and so it was really chill to just go outside and sit with Gandalf and have a really nice afternoon with him. It was not long after this that he was extremely

comfortable not only coming up to me but climbing on top of me and just chilling have a really nice afternoon with him. It was not long after this that he was extremely comfortable, not only coming up to me, but climbing on top of me and just chilling with me to the point that I actually felt comfortable and confident enough to pick him up. I picked him up. And after that, the next few months were great. I had this little duck buddy that was excited

to see me every single day and would just climb on me and hang with me and my neighbors were so astonished that I could pick him up and he was so chill with it and just as cool as he was. And it was a really great relationship. But then it went a little too far. It did get to the point that Gandalf was too attached and when I was just trying to

walk my dog so that they could do their business he would latch onto my pants and not let go and then Gandalf became extremely comfortable with my friends that would come over and at first they didn't mind the pecking but it became a little excessive and a bit aggressive. Oh my god. To the point that when they were leaving he would try and climb into their car with them until I came down to lure him away. Oh my god. And then there was the incident.

As I'm sure everyone who has the internet knows, ducks have a 9 inch corkscrew penis. And unfortunately one late night hangout with Gandalf's got him a little too excited. Oh my god. The sense of betrayal was immeasurable.

My duck buddy turned out to be a duck diddy. After that, it just wasn't the same. I started avoiding Gandalf, but he would find me. He would find me while I was walking my dog You'd wait for me outside my door. He knew where I lived. I knew there was only one solution To call these guys ask them for help That's exactly what I did. Oh My god that video is incredible Holy shit. I might be one of our

Mateo's a star that is amazing that is That's a lot. Yeah That was a lot All right, so we're gonna figure out what happens next in this saga, please So let's we got to figure out what happens in the third thing I'm dying to I don't think I don't think Gandalf got hit by a car. You don't know I think I hope you're right. You think he did Rob. I think he's dead. Yeah, you do. I think Gandalf's gone, too. I Don't believe it I love I love that there's hope I want I want Gandalf to return

Oh What a creep he's dead No, what what do you mean now? We get on the mic You can't comment in the chat get on the mic He's he's probably dead and he wouldn't he wouldn't have died if you hadn't told him to get a fake duck So he was scared away from the porch his place of safety Oh, Natalie! You know what, hold on

Natalie! Natalie! Only, don't go on mic, only in the chat Also, your first contribution to the show is saying that we killed one of our loved ones Here's what Natalie wrote in the chat, he's dead and he wouldn't be if you hadn't scared him away new line with the fake duck. Well Natalie Goddamn show Wow, but also I'm not positive of that because here's all we know is The the thing worked, you know, but also let's be honest Gandalf was getting out of fucking control. Here we go Now Jake's now Jake's doing that No, I didn't I don be honest Gandalf was getting out of fucking control. Here we go now Jake's now Jake's doing that

No, I didn't I don't want Gandalf dead But let's be honest that relationship started really nice then Gandalf started following to his car Then Gandalf started attacking friends getting in his car. Has any idea five minutes after he hung up? We're still talking about he's gonna when he hears it cuz all this is gonna be included in the follow-up We can't end early on this one. It's too much of a designer. No, no, but I think, look. But I really don't believe he's dead. I think there's hope.

I think there's hope. All right, let's go around for a vote, Rob. I think he's dead. Natalie? He's dead. We know what Natalie's voted. Natalie didn't need to vote. Natalie, here's what I think, Jake.

I think dead, but it's strange that 10 ducks are gone at once. There is a thing called migration. That could be a part of this. You're damn right. It is January. It's the holiday season. I think I'm gonna go with,

we are going to find out in a call in probably six weeks that he's returned there we go It's exciting. I hope so, but I do too the only person who hopes that he's dead is Natalie with the language She's laying down very obvious. She wants but I also think there's a I think there's a chance right now Gandalf is showing that big old dick to somebody else and attacking somebody I think he just moved out might be trying to make Matteo jealous I mean when you've got a penis that size. Yeah, but that was like an amazing video when all of a sudden, like, you know,

because it did rise. It was escalating. Can we say real quick before we go, favorite part of the video? I have mine, when he showed the size of the duck penis. We know that was your favorite part. That's the most, that's like saying my favorite part of the Oreo is the cream in the middle. Yeah, exactly.

Yeah, it's the most delicious part. I'm going most, that's like saying my favorite part of the Oreos, the cream in the middle. Yeah, exactly. It's the most delicious part. I'm going to give a more nuanced answer than yeah, the dick was the best part. Of course. Well, oh God, what's yours professor? Probably the building of the relationship, the sweetness of the first act. All right. This whole, this is over. Gareth's favorite part of the porno was the dick. Cares man. You know what I love? It's the story that matters. When they had sex with each other. Gareth's favorite part of the porno was the dick. Who cares, man?

It's the story that matters. When they had sex with each other. I like when they finished. I like when they came in the middle. We're done with this call. We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question at helpfulpod at gmail.com. And if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here to Help, you can go to our Patreon at patreon.com slash here to help pod to see our entire catalog.

We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grimm Productions, executive producers Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter, and Natalie Hollis, associate producer Jesse Thurston, editing, mix and master by Chris Fowler. Themed song by Oliver Raleigh, the cover artwork is by James Fostike, animations by Andrew Strilecki, and if you'd like to see Gareth do stand up on the road, go to garethrentholds.com.

Remember all of the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions. for entertainment purposes only and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.