We're Here to Help - 161: Memaw's Wig & That's the Sauce (with Justin Long)

Episode Date: April 9, 2025

Jake and Special Helper Justin Long help a caller from New Orleans with a memaw who loves to shop online. Later, a caller tries to convince the guys, and his friends, that he doesn't have a foot fetish.See caller images here!Want to call in? Email your question to [e-mail]: https://patreon.com/heretohelppodMERCH: heretohelppod.comINSTAGRAM: @HereToHelpPodIf you’re enjoying the show, make sure to rate We’re Here to Help 5-Stars on Apple Podcasts.Advertise on We’re Here to Help via Gumball.fm See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. And we are back on a Wednesday with very special episode. Feels like a Thursday. Ladies and gentlemen, Justin Long joins us. We finished the calls. We did. Great calls. Great calls. I'm excited for people to hear this.

This is a banger. Yeah. I had a teacher in, I don't want to say her name, who had a flatulence problem in junior high. Describe, was she a trapeze artist? She was, she was, she. How is the teacher gonna know we're talking about her? She, well, I know, now I'm worried

because she was a language teacher. She was a, she's a French teacher. And the was a language teacher, she was a French teacher. And the first day of school, she had a Southern action, she said, I just want you all get the giggle, I know this can be a funny subject, but I have a gastrointestinal, and looking back, I feel really bad for this person. And so of course, it was two-

Tough job to have that though, wrong kids. It's seventh, eighth grade. Come on. Man, and so she said it was tough job to have that though around kids. It's seventh, eighth grade. Come on. Man, and so she said, now I have a condition and it causes me to fart. I fart quite often. And so I want you to, I know it's funny. Today you can laugh all you, you can get your giggles out

because from now on there's to be no laughter. So I want everyone, well, I know. So what do you think happened? Every time she farted, you died laughing, got in trouble every day. Well, the first day that we could laugh, of course you don't wanna laugh when it's like, oh, if you have permission to laugh,

it's like- It's less funny. It's much less funny. But when you can't laugh and there's like- It's the funniest. You know, and it was in Connecticut in the winter time, she'd have to leave the window open. Oh, poor lady. And just start, I know, I know, I know.

I had a baseball coach in seventh grade or eighth grade. We were like, there's a group of us we were on like starting to get good. And so it was like no more parents. They brought in a guy in from Chicago who used to like play a little ball. And cause we were good, the problem was, some of us, myself included, had an attitude problem.

We didn't take the game as seriously as Coach Mike wanted us to. You don't say. Yeah. And we're good. We're not that fucking good. Yeah. So let's go. So it was now, he's going to run this and if we're going to be good, we're going to

be good. And it's me and these two other guys were just goofing around one day. And he sat the whole team down and was giving us the kind of yelling that only comes around a handful of times of your life. He had that like Irish face, red face. Wow yeah. I fucking drove here from Digger. Where you're like Ed Harris. Yes. Yeah. Drill starts. Where you're like whoa. Whoa. He had. You want to laugh? No. I'm scared. Yeah. Scared. This wasn't someone's you tempted to laugh? No, scared. Yeah. Scared, this wasn't someone's dad.

Looking back, it's probably a 26 year old guy, but at the time he's like 50. Yeah, totally, he was like an older man. He was an adult man. Yeah. But I was like. It's crazy. I mean also, you know, a thick 240,

and at the time I think I weighed like 70 pounds. Yeah, yeah. I was like, he could break us all. Yeah. And then go get lunch. So I was like, yeah, no, I think this is the best way to get through to me. I was like, yeah, no, I think this is the best way to get through to me.

I was like, yeah, no, I'm gonna run faster. I respect everything he's saying all of a sudden. And he was squatting down and he had, back then, a look that was connected to the 70s, but people still rock him in the 80s, and that was just sweatpants cut. But he had a hole right where his chote was, and I'm not joking.

And his legs were a little spread, and I didn't notice it because I was so intimidated I was looking down and my buddy goes oh no You can see what looks like he's like gumballs gumballs He goes chewed gum chewed gum chewed gum and I go like Huh? And he's like gumballs gumballs chewed gum chewed gum chewed gum and I go like Mike shut the fuck up Shut the fuck up and he goes in betweenumballs, chewed gum, chewed gum, chewed gum. And I go like, Mike, shut the fuck up, shut the fuck up. And he goes, in between his legs, pink chewed gum. And I look and you see a section of his sack.

Yeah, yeah. It looked like chewed bubble gum or like turkey neck. Of course. Justin, I was so afraid of laughing because I had already blown my ability to laugh. I was having a bad practice with attitude. So was Mike. If we laughed then, I might have gotten beaten up.

Or so yelled at to a point where I thought I can't, I saw his red nuts. That takes such, I know you. That thing. And I know that the level of fear that is required to not laugh at red nuts, exposed red nuts, just there sitting there on the- And at that age, 13? Oh my God, also like- As a boy, I hadn't even gone through puberty. It's the funniest, I mean, we're talking today, we're going to be talking about body parts

and stuff. It's easily the funniest. It's the best thing, it's still the best stuff. It's the weirdest, funniest part of the body. But I remember sitting there and I was looking at the bubblegum and then at some point, somebody went like, you heard in the back like,

eh, eh, eh. And I was like, uh-oh. And then somebody else went like, mm, mm. And then there was an eruption. And I honestly got in my memory, I don't remember what happened. I don't remember ever practicing again. Yeah.

The baseball was over for me at that moment. So I don't remember. We might've finished the year. I have no memory besides the laughter starting and me can't catch my breath. Being like, cause once other people are doing it, it was, it was an out of body experience of joy. I can't catch my breath being like, ah! Ah! Ah! Because once other people are doing it, you can't get it.

It was an out of body experience of joy. You're floating. It was like, I'm in the middle of the funniest thing that's ever happened to me and I'm so happy. I bet, it's disassociated, especially at that age. It's the best, joy. God, I had a coach that reminded me of that, but he was such high, I don't know what I would have done

because I was so scared of him. I was so intimidated by him. I ran into one of his sons recently and they said, you know, he's got real, I asked about how's your dad doing? He said, they said, he's got, he's got many heart attacks. Awful. I thought, well, yeah.

He was such an angry guy. He would get so worked up. I was playing, I was playing right field once and I was terrible. So they stuck me in right field and there was a ball hit directly to center field. It was easy fly ball center field. Everything slowed down. I thought it was mine to catch.

I was gonna be the hero. Ran right into the center. Yeah, it's a fire thing playing like I'm right. And the next thing I remember, I collided with, and I heard the center fielder like, what are you doing? Like him trying to call me off, like the coach trying to call me off.

Josh, stop screaming at me. And in my head, it was like, go Justin. And I'm like, I'm running, I got, and I collided with him so hard. Like a brick wall. And the next thing I remember is just waking up to the coach's voice, just screaming at me. What, and the next thing I remember is just waking up to the coach's voice just screaming at me. What?

And the ball, I saw the ball of my leg just trickling in front of me. Oh no. And because the center fielder was down, I was like, what? Screaming. I mean, like, I was 14 years old, but I was tiny. Yeah, I was tiny too.

Yeah, yeah. I was always the guy holding the class sign. Oh yeah, me too. Crazy. Yeah, yeah. To this day, when I took, I just did that show with Max, the neighborhood. And to this day, I go, they go, Jess, what are you the neighborhood Yeah to this day I go they go just what do you I kneel down?

Yes, by the way, I always think I got to be in the middle and I'm always gonna be humiliating the teacher goes Jake you want to hold the sign? Yeah, I'm like no I want to stand in the back with the ladies cuz I'm taller I'm not three eleven you are though Jake. Yeah You're the littlest yeah and when in school when they would line you up from smallest to big, and it would be like, the guys, the girls, all girls. And then they'd go like, Jake's even littler. Jake.

I'd be like, hey Sarah, move to the right. I'm all the way to the left. Jake, I didn't know this. My whole class, Judy Volotion, the one person in my entire class who was shorter than me. I swear to God. And Judy, I see her every once in a while. I thank her every time I see her.

It makes sense with our personalities. It does. Look at me. I'll tell you another thing Judy, I see her every once in a while. I thank her every time I see her. It makes sense with our personalities. It does. I'll tell you another thing. How late were you in the puberty game? Oh, late. Me too. Like 17. Yeah.

Like, yeah. Yeah. So I had a- I was driving a car, you know? Late in the puberty game? Yeah. You better have a wicked tongue to talk yourself out of situations.

For sure. So I had a thing where we were all, my high school had a, we had to swim in class. Puberty game. And I was sitting there next to a couple of goddamn grown men. Yeah. Can name Matt Walker if you're listening now. Matt had a full beard. Oh yeah.

Chest hair. Yeah, like seventh grade. He was a man. Yeah. This was in high school, Justin. This was like freshman, sophomore year. Oh, forget it. Yeah, beards. He was a man. Yeah, this was in high school. Oh, yeah. This was like freshman sophomore Yeah, he was a man. Yeah, I was sitting around a couple of men I was a boy it looked like they were babysitting me. Yeah. Yes, but we were competing for the same ladies. Yeah. Yes

And it would he'd be like man. I really like Alexis and I'm like, hey buddy. She's mine And he's like no, she's literally not yours. You're shorter than, I'm like, I don't know, there's five edge. And he's like, literally I've been through puberty. But he goes, we're sitting there next to each other. And then he goes, whoa. And I go, what? And he goes, dude, you don't have like any hair

on your body. And I go, and he wasn't being a bully. He couldn't understand what he was seeing. He, and I go like yes, I do cuz I did have some leg hair. Yeah Yeah, I had like I had like baby chest hair, but there was hair I looked in the mirror at it and I go no, I'm not true and he goes like no dude weird Two other boys who are also fucking hairy gorillas. Yeah Justin lifted my arms up so fucking hairy gorillas. Justin lifted my arms up.

We're scanning my armpits for nothing. And it was at that moment I was about to be revealed. So you wanna know what I honestly said? It's a condition all the men in my family have. I go, I swear on my wife, I go like that. By the way, my dad didn't raise me. I didn't even know what the man looked like with his clothes off.

And I go, yeah, I go, none of the guys in my family and Matt war goes really and I go. Hey, they're like dolphins Hey, go Matt why I got it's crazy. I was like, yeah, I go none of them no one here I don't feel bad. No, they were more like whoa. I didn't even know that's the thing and I was like Yeah, actually not a big deal at all But yeah, my dad does it and they were like, whoa, I didn't even know that was a thing. And I was like, yeah, actually not a big deal at all. But yeah, my dad, and they were like, whoa, it was such a weird love thing. They all stopped talking about it. There was like a weird pause and someone's like,

what are you guys doing for lunch? And I was like, I would rather pretend I had an issue genetically than just going this, hey guys, I'm just a little further behind from puberty. Isn't that funny? Give me six months. Yeah, yeah, I know.

And then you have to keep it up because then they see you, like then you start getting hair and you're like. By the way, the funny thing about that age, I'll forgot, one day I just was hairier and nobody went like, hey, what about the genetic condition you have? Yeah, no one cares.

No one cares. But for me, I was like, when I started going through people, I was like, shit, my chest is some hair on it. I'm like, nobody cares. I know. Jake, I tried started going through pre-way, I was like, shit, my chest is some hair on it. I'm like, nobody cares. I know. Jake, I tried out for football, freshman year, because my mom was like, okay, you can do it.

She thought I'd outgrow my desire to play football by then. I was four, at the weigh-in, I was four foot 10. I weighed 89 pounds in high school. In high school, and so, and the rule was- This is my favorite new realization about you. Me too. The rule was if you made it through the two weeks of training camp, you got to be on the team.

It was the JV team, but you got to be on it. And that's all I wanted. I just wanted- A uniform. A uniform. I wanted a helmet. I wanted the jersey and the girl. You know, it's girl.

You know, that's all I thought about. You're a cool guy. And I made it through. And the guy closest to me in weight, Dan Gonda, if you're listening, shout out, thank you. He was like 115. And we'd have to me in weight, Tanganda, if you're listening, shout out, thank you. He was like 115. And we'd have to do these suicides. I'd have him on my back up and down hills.

And I'd come home at the end of each day. And I mustered enough energy to just answer my parents when they were like, how was it? My mom's worried, like cutting care. How was it? I was like, it's good. I'm just gonna head upstairs for a second. And I would shut the door and I would puke because I was so exhausted and like, you know, I made it through two weeks.

I was so proud of myself and the coach, Richie Magan, pulled me aside and he goes, come here son and I want to talk to you about him. I'm like, oh, what position is he going to give? He goes, let me tell you something, son, you're not gonna play. I go, no, no, I know, I'll ride the bench. I'll be a back, a cornerback or something. But like, you know. I'm on the team, I need the uniform.

And he goes, you're not gonna play. Yeah, I know if someone gets injured though, he goes, let me tell you something. If the whole team rides to a game on the bus and he goes, and you happen to drive separately and God forbid that bus gets into an accident, you still not going to play. And you know that feeling that you're the guy at football. I could feel the blood flowed by the heat and the light.

And he goes, son, we got a great wrestling team. And he goes, and you'll be in your own weight category. No one will be in your weight category. So you have to forfeit every game, you'll win all the games. And I said, yeah, but it's the same time as football. He goes, you're not gonna play. And he has six.

And so that's, so I tried wrestling for like a day, and I was like, this is weird. And like some stranger. I tried wrestling too, I quit. And that's why, so I started acting. That is, we have a very similar. That's funny, Jake, I didn't know that. Neither did I. Hey everybody, stick around, I know it was a long intro, we have a very similar. That's funny Jake, I didn't know that. Neither did I.

Hey everybody, stick around, I know it was a long intro, we got a great show. These calls are killers. Justin, you're the best. Yeah, the best, you are. Enjoy the show everybody. This episode is brought to you by Squarespace. Squarespace is an all in one website platform

designed to help you stand out and succeed online. We love Squarespace is an all-in-one website platform designed to help you stand out and succeed online. We love Squarespace. My personal website, garethrentals.com, is a Squarespace site so user-friendly, we've built multiple websites for the show through Squarespace. Because we don't have the time or energy to come up with big elaborate lies for people. Squarespace will help us do that. Honestly, there's just so much good that Squarespace offers.

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HungryRoot.com slash here to help. Code here to help. Use that code, gang. We love you. This episode of We're Here to Help is brought to you by Hero Bread. I am currently an hour 71 and a half of a 72 hour water fast, and I'm about to read copy for hero bread which

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from the texture, that is the truth. Get the soft, fluffy experience you know and love. The first time we had it, which was a while ago, it was surprising. Now I'm used to it, now I'm spoiled. Now I'm turning other people onto it, bringing it to barbecues for hot dogs, or veggie hot

dogs for me. Hero Bread is offering 10% off your order. Go to hero.co and use code HELP at checkout. That's help at h-e-r-o dot c-o. Hero dot c-o. Hero Bread! I feel that way about Shakespeare though. I think we got a caller on the line. Hello

Hello. Hey, how are you? Hi good good. Can we get your name, please? Sure, Mandy. Hey Mandy. Yeah, that's a great name. Oh Mandy. Thanks. Yeah, man. You got a special one today You got Justin long. Hey, Mandy. Wow, hi. You don't have to pretend. I felt it, I felt it. No, that's sweet of you to feign excitement, Mandy.

No, Justin, I think it was a favorite. Mandy, do people sing that song to you when they meet you? No, just you. That's another old person thing, I think. And what is it? You sing people's names? Oh man, it's a Barry Manilow song. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. That's an old person thing. Did you see the? You sing people's names. Oh man, it's a Barry Manilow song. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's an old person thing. Did you see the Neil Diamond clip where he's making out with a lady he brings up from the crowd? No, but I just saw Panchovi do that. By the way, you and I have been sending each other a lot of incredible Instagram clips. Oh, I love Neil Diamond making out with.

I'll send it to you as soon as we get out of here. You're gonna die. Like older Neil Diamond or? Yes, older with a slightly younger woman. He's saying, you'll be a woman soon, girl. But he said, and then at one point he goes, she's ready. Oh. Mandy, where are you calling from?

I'm calling from New Orleans. Oh, love it. Parkway, Parkway Po Boys. Oh yeah, those are the best. You ever had a Gator Po Boy? Gator Po Boy, I've had Gator Nuggets. Gator Nuggets. Gator Nuggets.

Gator Nuggets. Jockemos, right, Mandy? Yeah, those are good. I had a night with Jacques Amo, the actual, and we got drunk on chartreuse. And just, it was the first time I wore a beanie. I remember when beanies were really cool and I tried to, I was like, maybe I could be a beanie guy. Maybe I wore a beanie. I remember when beanies were really cool and I tried to, I was like, maybe I could be a beanie guy. Maybe I'm a dock worker.

Maybe I tried to be a blue collar looking guy with five easy pieces. And he took the beanie cause he said, it's not you. And he gave me a bottle of chartreuse. That's pretty cool. And I never really, yeah, that was my beanie date. But that's a great place, Chacamos. Mandy New Orleans, how old are you?

33. 33, what can how old are you? 33. 33. What can we do for you today? I am calling in reference of my grandma, Mima. She, yeah, she's in her 70s. She has a lot of time on her hands and she likes to do online shopping with that time. The problem is that she doesn't know how to work the internet. So there was a period where my mom was helping her,

but she had to cut her off because it just became too much. Okay. And I somehow have gotten roped into this and I think I need Joel's help with it. That would have been me. Around Christmas time, she asked me to order some things for my kids for Christmas, and she would send me the money for it, and that was fine.

And she asked for a few other things for me to order, just for Christmas presents, which I was like, okay, that's no big deal. Right. Fast forward since Christmas, I have ordered dozens of Amazon purchases for her. Not just purchases, but I've had to deal with returns, customer service. You're becoming her goddamn assistant. Yeah, you're her shopper.

You're her shopper. Printing out return labels for her, keeping track of who owes who how much money. It's gotten to be a lot. The latest kind of escalation of this is she asked me to buy, well first I think she's telling me some secrets and I think she has somewhat of a man friend that she's trying to impress. And she asked me to buy her $150 wig off of Amazon.

Which this is a part of the problem. Wait, hold on. We might need a photo. I gotta tell you, I'm liking this turn because I thought it was gonna be one setup, but in the setup I thought you were doing, there was nothing to do with the wig. Yeah. Are you with me, Justin?

I was like, all right, this is about you're being taken advantage of. We gotta talk to Memaw, we gotta say, hey, cool it with the shopping. Yeah, it's taking a turn. The wig. Yeah. Okay, Mandy, keep going.

So Memaw wants a $150 wig. Is that she doesn't know about the internet. So I look at the link. It has like four reviews. It has two stars. There's no pictures of other people who have purchased it. It's $150. She's on a fixed income. Like I'm feeling bad.

It's a bad way. But well, then she also tells me don't tell anyone in my family. By the way, that is a joke wig. Wait, what do you mean by a joke wig? Yeah, like she just wants to be like a joke, like a surprise, like I have a wig now. Does she normally wear a wig maybe? No, she doesn't.

So she has a full head of hair. I mean, of grandma hair, yeah. Explain to me what a joke was. Just a joke. What is a young lady's hair? Is she just, but because you mentioned there was a man in the picture maybe and she's sharing secrets with you. What does the wig have to do with the man?

Is she trying to play a prank on him or trying to turn him on? Is it like a cute little bangs? Yeah, I think it is probably to woo and impress the man. And I think she doesn't want to share that. And so she's masking it as a joke. Okay, I need a little bit of info on Mima. What age do we talk?

Are we talking 60, 70, 80 or 90 or 100? She's in her 70s. Okay, beginning or the later half? I think she's like 72. Okay, she's just starting the sevens. So what do we know about this gentleman caller? I know that he lives in the neighborhood that he has a recently deceased wife

and that Memaw kind of approached him to offer him comfort during that time. Oh, Memaw dog. Oh boy, Memaw dog. Game no game. Approached him to offer him comfort during that time I'm so sorry with that in mind. What do you think I look like in this wig? Meemaw's getting down. You're gonna need some comforting. Yes. I like that move And is the wig would you describe it as kind of a younger looking wig? They get turned on for the comfort like a blonde or a bangy. Yeah, what is what is the wig, would you describe it as kind of a younger looking wig? To get turned on for the comfort. Like a blonde or a bangy, like a tail? It's a brunette, very wispy, short wig.

It's a sex wig. You'll just call it what it is. It's the drawer next to the bed where it's got some props. Right. Mimol's got some props. Is your question, can you borrow Mimol's wig and is that weird? And the answer is borrow it, man, who cares? They were cleaning out my grandma's drawers before she passed.

Is this a true story? True story, and they found a gum, what she described as a gum massager. And it was vibrating, of course, and it as a gum massager. And it was, you know, it was vibrating of course. And it was a gum massage. So everyone in the family was like a gum massager. It made it worse. Cause then that became the thing

that everybody spread around. Like who is a gum massager? And everybody who knew was like, oh, the wrong trade. It was bad cover. Next to my dad's bed, we've owned a big thing of Vaseline and a dildo.

And what? A dildo. No kidding. Next to his bed. In like his little... Really? Yeah, because my dad is a sensitive... How would he describe it?

What's going on here? I love your dad's... Get out of here. This is not what you think. Hey dad, these two going next to your bed, stop it. So, Meemaw wants a wig. It's not what you think. What is it?

Stop it. You have to explain it. Then it's incumbent on you to then offer. It's none of your business, but it's not going where you think it's going. You and your brother are making this disgusting. Oh, yeah, it's our fault. We put it there. So, Mima, so Mandy, were you able to say to Mima, listen, you know, it has four reviews

and this is like, you have to look at the reviews and number of stars. Like, have you had that tutorial? I feel like he's so lost on technology that that feels impossible to even explain that to her. So Mandy, here's what I need you to do for us then. This is, unless, did I cut you off too early? Do you have more set up? The only other thing that I want to add is that I am her first grandchild and her favorite grandchild. Okay, that seems unnecessary. Just seemed like a kind of a flex on everybody else, but cool.

Just in case you're- It needs to be like, I stay in meemaw's good grace. Okay, I thought that was just in case other people in your family listened to this episode. There is one more thing I want to add. I am the prettiest in the family. I'm the most physically attractive. I'm the coolest, I'm the strongest, I'm the best. Also, fuck you, Jerry.

Don't cut that out, please. That'd be cool. Please leave that in. To my cousin Jerry, eat my dick. I'm the man, you're not the man. Feel free to put that in the trailer for this episode. But you guys produced your own show. So it's important to you that you and Meemaw, we do not want to offend her, we don't want

to hurt her, right? Right, yes. Okay. We do not want to offend her. We don't want to hurt it, right? Right. Yeah, so then Mandy. What is the specific question? We can help you with today. This the specific question is how to Cut her off because I feel like it's not slowing down. It's just increasing and also becoming more personal So how do I either stop or slow down her demands? But is it the demand? Okay, so the wig thing was just information

that's not necessary to the question. I'm glad you mentioned it though. Me too. Yeah. But just in terms of what you're asking. It's just an example of the progression. Of the nonsense she's buying. Now I understand what you're saying.

It's like $150 for a, even if you do want to turn them on, let's get to know this new, this general caller first. But also in terms of the question, who cares when she's buying? It's not a money problem. Well, she's saying that's frivolous stuff. It's like, it's useless.

It's like a stuff store. But is Neemaw broke? Is this, Nanny, this isn't a money thing. She's not fixing. Oh yeah, okay. She shouldn't be spending $150 on a wig, definitely not. It's all in all confusing. She's gotta save up for that Gator cheesecake at Giacomo.

What, have you met the young man that she's courting her? Yeah. No, I have not. But the thing we're looking to do here is how do we, because this is, and I'm glad you said that thing about keeping the relationship good, because this is complicated. Yeah, it is.

Because you have become, you are her fingers into the internet. And by the way, when we all first go through our first internet bender, it's incredible. My grandma lived to be 104, and I asked her, what is the biggest change? Like, cause I was fascinated by all the things she had seen. She went to Italy when Mussolini was in power, you know?

She was alive before the first pop-up toaster was invented. I mean, like crazy. They had an ice man who would bring, and she said, without hesitating, she said, and she was sharp up until the end. She said, the internet is just internet, it's just exponentially, it's like shocking what it did. Shocking what's happening.

Yeah, and to your point, Mandy, like whenever I would try to teach her about technology, or not that I know much about it, I'm a real ludic, but I knew enough about the internet, there would be a new thing, technology would have advanced, like by the time she figured out DVDs, it was onto something else.

But I know, and I also know how delicate that relationship is and how important it is. But this is tricky. It's tricky, how do you broach it with her? But so what we're trying to do, and I just gotta get the question, at least in our head, as clean as possible before we pitch. How do we get her to stop asking you

to buy things on the internet? Yes. Okay. You don't want that responsibility anymore. Right, and there's too many other strings attached. Yeah. Snowball. He's also asking about other websites.

It's growing. The demand is growing. So you are just, you're not looking to change the relationship. You're not looking to fix her spending. You're not looking to do anything with her and her new boyfriend who just died and she offered sex for, called it comfort.

We're not judging the fact that she's got a wig that is a younger lady's wig that she bought for $5.50, but it's low rated on the internet. None of that has anything to do with it. It's just how do we get her to say to you, I'm done asking you to use the internet for me? Yes. Okay, that's doable. Not to get hung up on this,

it was only rated by four people. So it'd be a nice way. Maybe a great way. We just don't know yet. Yeah, sometimes people, yeah, for the wrong reason, maybe didn't do the thing they thought it would. It wasn't funny enough or sexual enough. And man, and what have you done so far, Mandy,

in terms of what have you tried to do? Let's get a a sense of me. What's her vibe? Is she bitey? Is she sweet playful? She rascal I Will tell you that I used an alias today because I wouldn't want me more to ever know Talking about her. Yeah, and I could tell you from knowledge talking about her. Yeah. And I can tell you ain't from New Orleans. Because you ain't got that thing in your voice. I know that just by listening to you. We a couple of New Orleans boys. We grew up on that bio there. I ain't never heard anybody from New Orleans talking like you're from New Orleans. Honey, I've been trying to find New Orleans in you, but I can't find it.

There's no swamp coming out of that microphone. I'm like, where in New Orleans are you from? Connecticut? New Haven in New Orleans are you from? Connecticut? New Haven, New Orleans? Is it New Haven or New Orleans? And so here's my first pitch. I think you say to her, hey, just FYI, similar to Lent, I'm doing a no internet April. And go, it's something that everybody's doing. It's like, what you've got to do with the internet

is you do like, and you go like, oh, I guess, and she goes, oh, I haven't heard of it. You go, well, yeah, right, cause you don't know how to use it. But what people do is the way they do a dry January, the way they do something like this, you go, we do no internet April, so I'm just taking a break. Just FYI, so don't email me,

I use my phone but for texts and calls, and then if she goes, would you buy something for me? You go, well, I can't, I'm not buying anything. It is deceptive. Well, of course you gotta lie a little bit. I mean, you gotta crack some eggs to make omelets here, baby. A gator omelet, of course, yeah. Cajun omelet, spicy and there.

Just to start, Mandy, when you hear that, what are your early thoughts? Yeah, what do you think? Hmm, I like the suggestion, but my fear is the longevity of it. Oh, show this way to month. Yeah. Are you hoping that she just forgets it and moves on?

I'm hoping she finds somebody else. Okay, then let me, this may correspond to, this might be a nice segue for my pitch to Mandy, which is, cause I went through this with my parents and I tried this and had mixed results, but I think it might work in your case. There are college kids who, this is like second nature to these millennials now. And they like money and you can hire them. It might be cheap to hire them as an IT specialist and assign them to MeMa.

And MeMa, this is your IT person, use them sparingly of course, and hire them for a couple hours to just get Memaw all set up with, and then somebody that she can text if she's in trouble. Yeah, but Justin, this is a huge fee for Mandy. That'd be a fee. Yeah. Can your family all go in on it together? And can you commiserate with your family about it

and say like, listen, I've been saddled with this. I know I'm the favorite in the family and I'm the best looking and the strongest, but I've been unfairly saddled with this responsibility. Mandy, when you're hearing this, what are you thinking? Can we all pitch in and get Memaw and IT guy or girl? That idea would be good, but my family, I don't think could be it.

Like I think Neema has done this to everyone in the family and they have all had to cut her off. And they also get like really frustrated with her when they're like, the button is right here. Like trying to explain the internet to her that they think it's just a her problem. Yeah. Don't think they would be willing to outsource it cause they think this is not something that we should outsource.

I got a weird one. Tell her the internet broke. I'd like your cleanse one. I think if you say you have a lifestyle change for my mental health. Yes. But what about Mandy? The internet breaking? Mandy, what about if we go a little bit weird on Memaw?

When I first say that, what if we do something where we say, or we get her to believe buying on the internet is bad. It's not gonna happen. She's too into it, she loves it. Mandy? She does love it. I think it's more believable that the internet's broken though.

Okay. I feel like I could get her to believe that. Here's what I'm thinking. But this new suitor is gonna convince her otherwise. But here's what I'm thinking. And Mandy, if this is not something you're going to play to your meemaw and potentially film her watching,

then it's not worth doing. But if this is real, we could go down this road. What if Justin and I made a clip of something that it was the announcement that the internet is in fact breaking. Yeah, time to get off. It's taking a break. We are cutting back on internet purchasing

or something of the idea that these internet, like what is something that would really like trigger Memaw? A scam. A scam or that like the products they're sending, the wigs are like horses hair. The wigs areilled with lice. What could we get her that could scare her off and go like take a break or that maybe it's like an addiction.

You know, Memaw better tell us a little bit about Memaw because maybe what we're thinking of doing is how do we scare, you know, you gotta tell a kid not to touch a stove but you don't have to put their hand on the hot stuff. Right. You just scare them away from the heat. Does MIMA have any ethnic biases?

Maybe if we said the wig came from a certain country. This feels like a dangerous zone for our show, yeah? Yeah. Yeah? Because you know the tone that we're trying to do here? Yeah. You know what I mean? Do you know what I mean?

I'll say, if we try to convince her that the internet is broken and that it's a mass issue. Okay. She's the type of meme that is like gonna post that on Facebook. I know. And she's gonna wanna shout it from the rooftop and people are gonna come and be like, that's not real. Imagine if our video was all over the place. Yeah.

And we were part of this deception. I don't want my hands on this. Yeah. And so I agree with you that she could- But it could be that my account is thrown in somehow. Wait, hold on, Mandy. Should we act this out? Wait, hold on actually.

You might, yes, but you might've just nailed something. What if you say something broke on your account and you can no longer make purchases because there was an issue with fraud? Yeah. Because she won't understand an issue with fraud. Yeah. Because she won't understand the math of this. Yeah, a fraudster from some country, it doesn't matter which country. And what we could do is we could make a voicemail calling you and you could just send that to

her and say, hey, I just got this message. I'm going to take a break buying anything from online. I got a message from the internet. We could be the fraudulent fraudsters. Yes, but we could also be, we could a message from the internet. We could be the fraudulent fraudsters. Yes, but we could also be, we could be representatives of the internet. Oh, I see. And that her account, the internet has a call center.

Yeah, sure. You're right. Yeah, why not? And that what we have found with her spending, there's been fraudulent spending. Yes, exactly right. And so we're gonna have to freeze her account in order to make sure that her money goes back.

But there has been something that's been linked into her account and these scams. So for now, we highly recommend no purchasing for a while and to check your bank accounts and change all your passwords. Yeah, we don't wanna scare you, but- Yeah, look, there's been no money taken, but in the internet, we have found on these internet channels.

Your internet is sensitive now. Your internet is sensitive, so we highly recommend you don't do any purchasing from any of these accounts. Mandy, what do you think of that as a plan? Yeah. I think that would be perfect. Let me ask you this, do you think you could participate in that video without laughing, though?

Probably not. Yeah, we'd have to do it separately, I imagine. Yeah, or we'll see. We might have to do a couple of takes. Okay, I think we could do it. I think, how do you, so- So it wouldn't be a video. It would just be the audio we would send.

Okay, good, we could do it. But the audio would be this, then Mandy, you say, hey, me, ma, FYI, you know, I got contacted by the internet and it turns out my account, my honor. We're calling from Palo Alto, we're reaching out to inform you that there is a vulnerability

in your internet and we would advise you to stop making purchases. I already too late. By the way, but yes. But that kind of voice. And exactly right. And the purchases, you should stop buying online and definitely perhaps go to stores.

And then while you're talking, think about giving Memo some notes on what she should do. If you have purchases, I saw here there was a wig purchase. Perhaps you could do that in person. They have wig shops where you're at. Yeah, and also, or maybe you go the route, you wanna support local businesses, especially in a place like New Orleans, you wanna-

Well, we don't wanna say New Orleans because there's no way that Mandy's from New Orleans. Right. But does that- That part's true. Are you? And do you call me Mima? Cause I know a lot of Southern,

Mima is a fairly common name for a grandma. Do you actually call her Mima? Yes. Oh, okay, great. Okay, so Mandy, if we pull this off and we get like a minute thing, you gonna try it? Yeah, definitely.

I'll definitely, she would definitely buy into if she hears something that's official. Official, that's exactly what we have to sound official. Broken. It's gotta be, the internet is broken and you should be on a freeze for three to six months Yeah, that's and just take a long break and we're sorry to report this but take a break officials yeah, and

Then how are you gonna get it to her? Are you gonna call her? Are you gonna email it to her? What are you gonna do? I go to me mom's house every Wednesday to watch Survivor. Aw. So. That's sweet. So you'll do. Yeah. Is there any way that you could film Mima watching this?

And I know it's hard because it's on your phone, which is where the thing's gonna be. So we need another thing. You need a friend's phone. But can you, can you- Yes, I could arrange that. And can you do that in a way where Memo has no idea so she's not hammin'?

Yes. And we have to hope that this gentleman caller isn't internet savvy. He's not. And sees through this. He's falling for wig routine. But it's my account, that's the thing. Yeah.

He's like, oh yeah, it's just your- Well now you look younger than hell. Yeah. Look at that full head, youthful hair. Yeah, he's like, oh yeah, it's just you're younger than hell. Yeah That full head a youthful hair. I could have sworn yesterday you had different hair I don't man. No, I like you both ways Wow I'm leading a little bit more comfort. That's a real looking wig there. I'm gonna leave a nice review I think you can do on that and they on the two out of five star. I Ran my hands through it felt like real. I'm gonna put that on that. Two out of five star. I ran my hands through it. Felt like a real thing.

I'm gonna put that on there. Got lice. So let's try this, Mandy. Is there any information about you that we could beep out of the show that we could say at the beginning that helped make it seem official? You could say my real name.

Yeah, what is it? F***. You've been trapped. This was a setup. F***. F***. That's a really nice name. Get back to me, y'all are dead.

Yeah. By the way, I agree. I'm afraid of me-maw from the way. Yeah, I know, I don't wanna. So, and then, what's your last name? And I'm only saying that because I think it's gonna make me ma make it feel more real Say it again Okay, so then Rob obviously knows he's not gonna forget He'll beep all that out so now and then just so we know the setup because it'll change how we do it will you

Tell us what you're gonna say to me ma before you play this I'm gonna be like Hey, you know, I got this weird voicemail from I guess it's two people at Amazon and they said that they're putting a freeze on my account Oh dear, but listen to this at Amazon and they said that they're putting a freeze on my account. Oh dear.

But listen to this. Okay, great. Well you could just, and you can just play it right there on your phone. Yeah, I have it right here. Okay, you ready? Do you want to start us? I want to go from a nice voice, like a, who would it be? Is that too soothing?

Is that? You think Justin's voice is gonna work like this? You can give some direction. We are calling from the internet center here in Palo Alto, California. But you gotta, hold on, I can't be interrupting. We gotta do it clean. Yeah, okay, so how's that voice?

Mandy, you happy with that? That's kind of professional, yeah. Okay, three, two, and let's try the whole thing under two minutes. Okay. Okay. Three. Are you taking over at some point? Sure.

Okay. Give me one of those and I'll start going. Okay. Three, two, one. Hello, my name is Cliff Peterson. I'm calling from the internet call center here in Palo Alto, California. Unfortunately, there's been activity on your account

that seems suspicious to us. We advise a three to six month freeze. Three to six month at a minimum. Cause what we're talking about here is you gotta stop using the internet here because your information has been leaked. It is an issue that we are concerned enough to have made this call.

And we are hoping that none of it has gotten out there. Well, yeah, but Cliff's calling you from headquarters. I'm calling you from Nala's. And I'm here to tell you, your online purchases is seen everywhere. That's right, Hagen is our local representative on the ground where you are. And he has alerted us here in Palo Alto,

and we have decided that we need to make this phone call. So we gotta make the night and easy, yeah? We gotta start going to local plate it. You wanna buy a wig, buy a wig. You wanna buy a sandwich, buy a sandwich. But you can't buy it online anymore. You can't be using Amazon. You can't be using his website.

You can't go to Target.com. You can go to Target. Yes, we advise in-person purchases. 100%. And everybody using your account, is vulnerable. That's right. So we hope this didn't scare you,

that was not our intention. But I also hope that family is scared you. Because your information could get stolen, your money could get taken, you could end up with nothing. That is true, Hagen. So we hope this message finds you well, and thank you so much for heeding our advice.

All right. What do you think? We lost her. I'm feeling, before you give yours. I like your guy. I like your guy. I think together it was a hell of a team. Yeah, because you were the local guy. I'm feeling confident it was

the internet call center in New Orleans, but your vote's the only vote that matters. How are you feeling? I will say when hagen came into The scene Yes, that I personally stopped believing but I think it would make me more believe more. That's why I did it Yeah, yeah, because I was thinking this is really great. But this is some California stuff. Yeah, this is the call center. I'm just a meemaw from new orleans Yeah, you want you I want her to go i'm not doing that anymore. Yeah, you want the call center. I'm just a meme off from New Orleans. Yeah, you want you I want her to go

I'm not doing that anymore. Yeah, you want you want the real But we got both. Yeah, we got both. So Mandy. Do you think this is something you would actually play? Do you think it's gonna actually work? Yes, I think that y'all have the information where you referenced buying a wig that will put her on even more Like oh, they know that we got a wig So I'm feeling very confident in the success. Will you please film me ma watching this? Will you really do that because that would be the Will you really do that? Because that would be the funniest.

That would be the funniest. Mima going, and then keep filming her reaction after. Like, what do you think, Mima? Because if she goes like, I'm not using the internet anymore. We've won to such a degree. And if she says thank you to you, can you imagine the victory we're having here, Mandy?

The part of that video I'm most excited about is when Mima's face changes when your voice comes in. I wanna see how she processes Hagen. So, Mandy, you've called in, and I gotta tell you, this one was a little tricky to start. But I think we landed someplace pretty great, but I need to know from you, where Where you at here? What are you? Yeah, I I wasn't confident y'all were gonna be able to find a solution just because it is so nuanced

But I think this was perfect You feel I feel really good too And I'll also say just in terms of if you ever call in another show like this in terms of the setup You don't have to mention the wig in terms of if you ever call in another show like this in terms of the setup, you don't have to mention the wig. Man, he just took us down a super weird road. You know what I mean? I'm glad she did.

I'm glad you did too. I'm getting a visual I would love. Don't you want to see a picture of the wig and be more wearing it? Has she worn it publicly? No, it was something that was opened and then she asked for a return. Oh, you had to go to, you had to go return,

obviously, because you're her online shopper. She just put it in a box and sent it to, she didn't go to the wig shop. Well, she probably went to Whole Foods, right? Is that what you did, Mandy? Oh, is that where you returned? Yeah. I think she brought it to the FedEx,

but I had to share the wig so that y'all saw how much- You were right. The demands were increasing. Mandy, if I'm honest, I just said it to tease you, but I'm glad we got that piece of information. That's true, that's true. I just did it for the joke, but I'm glad to send it. She did it as a joke,

but also to turn on the gentleman caller. Yes, exactly right. I like your natural hair. So, Mandy, we need you. You don't need to go fluffing yourself up. We need you to follow up on this one. Okay. This video's important. important if it goes sideways

You got to film that too And if we have to we're gonna bring me mon and here's what we can do in case it goes sideways We'll apologize. Yeah, we'll apologize. Okay, and we'll say we called you she has no idea how podcasts work Show go what's going on? We'll go we found this out we called her we did it We bullied her into it. We're the bad guys. Don't say it's a podcast say it's a radio show It's a radio show. I don't mean to be a just but we don't have to confuse. What's a radio show on the internet? Yeah, it is what it is Fake word it's true

Rob what is podcast podcast? I'm wondering where that came from. It came from Apple. It came from Apple. Yes. All right. So please follow up, but we're not gonna leave you on the hook on this one. If it goes south, we'll help you. If it's a big win, which is what I think it'll be, we all celebrate together. See you down in the islands.

Thank you. Bye, Mandy. Bye, Mandy, thank you. Bye. Thank you, Dale, very much. This episode of We're Here to Help is brought to you by Booking.com. Booking. Yeah. Every time I use Booking.com to find a place to stay in the U.S., I know they'll have exactly what I'm looking for.

Listen, I talk about Booking.com very regularly because I use Booking.com very regularly. I always know I can find exactly what I'm looking for. I just went down to Florida for the first time in quite a while. While I was there, decided to get a place right on the water, used Booking.com, was able to just find a lovely place while I had a show down here. Room, kitchen, the whole thing. Sometimes I do it for hotels. This time I did it for a different spot, like somewhere like I said, right by the beach. But it is the best. So, can't recommend using it enough. You really know what you're getting. That's why I use it. A lot of times I use the Booking.com app. You're able to see all your options,

all the filters. You know the deal. Come on. You know the deal. I don't know why I'm angry at you. No matter who you are, Booking.com helps you find the stay that's ridiculously right for you. Find exactly what you're booking for on Booking.com. Booking.yeah. Can we get your name, please? Hi, I'm Stone. Stonefury? Stone. Have you ever seen Hey, Stone Fury? Stone.

Have you ever seen Windy City Heat? Yes. Windy City Heat, no I have not. I would recommend it with a name like Stone. Stone's voice is the kind of thing that I needed for my caller from the internet center. From the previous one, yeah. Hey Stone, could you say you're here working

for the internet and it's broken? Could we just audition your voice for that? Hi, this is Stone. I'm here working for the internet and it's broken? Can we just audition your voice for that? Hi, this is Stone. I'm here working for the internet. Oh my God. I want to re- By the way, it's actually really good. Perfect.

I want to re-record mine. Hi, this is Stone. Cause it's got to be a slightly more- This is insane, but we might want to send Rob Yeah. For a second option. Yeah. Stone, can you really quickly say, Hey, my name is Stone. I work for the internet. Meemaw? No.

Mandy. Your account has... Yeah, or just... If you can get them, remember, your account has been compromised. You need to stop online purchases immediately. We know about the wig, we know about your purchases. Can you try that? Or some version of that? In your own words, don't be word perfect,

but it's just the voice. What you are, Stone, you are calling, you are from the internet. Yeah, oh, you know what? We'll make this a follow-up. Yeah. Stone, cause then we'll play both. This is a follow-up, Stone. We are'll play both. This is a follow up, Stone.

We are following up to make sure you seriously take this message seriously. That's a good follow up voice. Yes. Go ahead. Hello. This is Stone from the internet. I'm calling you today because you have purchased too many wigs online and need to stop purchasing online wigs. It doesn't get better than that, honest to God. That's incredible.

Really good work. It's like he is the internet. I got that call, I'm not buying anything on the internet. I'm not going anywhere near the internet. I'm afraid, and then I'm going, Stone, have you seen my Google, my history? Cause guess what? A guy looking like me broke in

and looked at that stuff last night. I ate that stuff. He left a dildo by my bed. It was fascinating. That's right. Stone, where are you calling from? I'm calling from Stanton, Virginia. Virginia.

First of all, you got a voice like an angel. Yeah, what a voice. And how old are you, Stone? I'm 28, I'm pretty sure. Wow. You're just a young guy. Wow, you have a, it's very, is the word stentorian? I've never heard that word in my life, so yes. I don't think anybody in the last 40 years

have heard that word. So, Stone Virginia, 28, what can we do for you? My mom used a word with me the other day. She goes, I miss having botanage with you. And I had to look it up and it's just like kind of playful banter. Yeah, fun word. Sorry Stone.

Yeah, my mom had said the same thing. Oh, Jake, I really miss having botanage with you. And I go, yeah, me too, ma. All right, so. Just like shootin' the shit. Stone, 28, Virginia, we're havin' some botanize with you. What can we do? Oh Yeah, so my friends think I have a foot fetish, but I most definitely do not have a foot fetish Okay, thanks for the call my man. We'll talk to you

Okay, your friends think you have a foot fetish, but you don't have a foot fetish. Definitely don't. Do you mind if I underline, you definitely don't? Okay, so then we need a little bit more help on the setup here then. Yeah, why do they think that? Because on my wall it's covered in pictures of feet and I only masturbate to feet. And the only thing that turns me on or gets me up in life is feet. Yeah, but fetish is an ugly word. What does fetish mean? Yeah, is that like botanical?

So stone first let's start you type first a why do they think you have a foot fetish Well when I was in Vegas, I started this joke where I know we were Competitively drinking doing like a drinking game. Sure. And like I lost the drinking game. So I had to drink this like nasty thing. And then I went into the bathroom and I threw up. And when I came out, no one asked me questions.

So then I made the joke, Hey guys, I'm so glad I didn't throw up in there because I definitely did not throw up in there. And they're like, didn't throw up in there because I definitely did not throw up in there and they're like did you throw up in there I was like no no so that became a joke and then we played a different drinking game called Cheers to the Governor or you have to make rules as you count to 21 yeah we did something like that we used to call it asshole oh yeah oh that's right yeah we called it asshole but it rolls to the governor Yeah, how that's what they call it

Or close but keep going. Yeah Well, I made a rule. I was drunk. I just thrown up You continued playing like a number we had to like Like kiss like someone's foot or whatever. That was your own Yeah, yeah, what made you get there stone? Yeah, what the hell? Yeah, that's why I would be thinking what made you get there Yeah, yeah I'm trying to put my own position as one of your friends. I would ask I'm trying to put myself in your position here stone Yeah, we're all really drunk a bunch of guys in Vegas. I go if you hit 15

I got a we got to kiss each other's feet How come, Stone? And then try not to get hard. Yeah, exactly. Let's see who gets the hardest when we suck each other's toes. I'm just trying to get to, we're with you, Stone, but we just need the honesty.

Oh, I gotcha, I gotcha. So where did we get, we're drinking, I think the barf thing, I get it, you're doing the reverse, I didn't puke, you puked, I get the bit, we're playing along, we're having fun, you keep drinking, your thing is, if you hit a 15 in the game You got to chug this and kiss one of these guys feet That was the pitch and that was just you're thinking like gross out. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Yeah

And they're like, oh what the fuck like don't do that. And I was like, oh please Did you go when they said it'll go please just once? Come on, come on it'll be really funny. Just try it, especially you and me Mike. They were like, do you have a foot fetish? I'm like no no I definitely don't have a foot fetish. Oh but you would then exactly now. Okay, so you did the game of me But now like people are actually like editing photos that I've been in Like pictures of me like eating feet First of all, this is a great, this is great. I think I like that you have a bucket. There's a pair. It's like a kid's bucket. What's wrong with the I know, but he doesn't have a foot fetish. Right. There's nothing wrong with it. Nobody's

here is judging. But I'm saying even the joke, it's like kind of a funny. It's bringing your friends together. I'm sure it's a no sound like a guy that can laugh. Oh, yeah, I know stone has a sense of humor. Yeah, yeah. And stone, it's bringing your friends together, I'm sure. You sound like a guy that can laugh about it. I know, Stone has a sense of humor. Yeah, and Stone, it's very clear, and that's why we've been teasing you a little bit, that you have a sense of humor. But you don't have a foot fetish. So God forbid you meet somebody and it spreads,

and it's like people are, you know, where there's smoke, where there's fire. A lot of times there is, which brings me to my question. Can we go back to that moment in Vegas, Stone? Yeah, I'm back. You barfed, you're feeling better, you got a couple more drinks in you. It's your turn to make the rule.

Yeah. Yeah. What was your hope? Well, there's more history, I guess. Go ahead. Because I was in a physically unfulfilling relationship at the time. That doesn't help where I'm going with this, my man. I think that hurts your case. Yeah, exactly.

You're now talking about being sexually frustrated, yeah? Yes. And you're with a bunch of your boys in Vegas? And pushing for some... Well, not just boys. Oh, and ladies Yeah, oh so you want that happens nowadays Jake, yeah I'm humiliated you've killed me

I'm about 140 right now, and I feel like I live in black and white you burned me I'm about 140 right now and I feel like I live in black and white you burned me Nice job. You got me. So here's my question stone not let's just talk honest When you said cuz I've done this bit when you're all drunk and you also kind of want something to happen This sometimes it's something just slips. Yeah, but also was there somebody's there was feet you wanted to kiss Well, I mean that's too long a pause. I agree, Stone. There wasn't someone specific, but... You wanted to get close to me. I guess I wanted some intimacy. You're the best, Stone. Like a subtle way, I don't know. You know, I mean But we went specifically to feet my man His head at this point

And he's thinking the opposite of a foot fetish guy, which is what's more innocent what's the most innocent part of the body Oh, I'm getting it's a foot. It's like who thinks of that sexually except for a foot fetish That's like saying but here's the equivalent stone. He's the opposite. foot fetish. But if you're like, I'm going through a bit of a lonely period, I was with my friends, I was drunk. And I said, whoever loses, somebody has to fart in their face. You'd go, why? And you go, I don't know.

I was a little bit lonesome. It's the lonesome part. I wanted somebody to sit on my face and you go like, stungle. Stungle But farting that would be if that feed in Vegas feed but it's kissing feet so you want to bet you gotta take the socks off That's about a hundred degrees and you're walking around casinos. Is there a chance you're gonna land on Yeah, there's a chance you're gonna land on somebody else's foot. That's not the person you want to be he was pretty open Yeah, did you? Stone and there's not one person in this room judging you.

Yeah. What was the thought of it that, and we're going to get to how we fix this problem, but I just don't think, we're just not there yet, my man. Uh huh. You got a foot fetish? No, I do not. You ever, you ever done the dirty by yourself thinking about feet one time? You ever Googled sexy feet? Never. Okay. And like, yeah, when I am like, you know,

doing the deed or whatever, like they're at play, but they're not like the main course, you know, it's like, you had me and you love it. Same. I'm saying I keep having You had me and you lost. I was with you. I was right with you. And then you veered into the fast lane. Stone, you have a foot thing, dude. It comes to... At what point do feet come into play? Never.

It's not like I see someone's feet and I'm like, Whoa, boner! No, I know, but I think there are degrees of foot fetishness. I have a it's like, no. No, I know, I know, but I think there are degrees of fetishness. I have a question for you, Justin. Yeah. If you're doing, this is for Justin Long now for a second. I'm gonna be very honest.

Great. That's Justin? Oh my God. Oh my God, Stone. We started so fast. I never introduced Justin Long. Thank you, Stone, I heard that compliment. That's really nice of you.

Yeah, this is just my bad. We got so excited about your voice. I've never, well, wait, no, what were you gonna ask, Jay? Cause I think- When you are doing the deed, are feet part of it? Yeah. Feet?

Wait, no, not you, Stone. We know, Stone, we know your answer! So stop, stop, Stone! You're like, yes! Stop ratting on yourself. We know where you're going. I'm just trying to get a gauge of a different person. That is one of the fetish,

because I know it's a fetish that people often talk about. In fact, when they think about like, oh, a sexual fetish, they go to foot fetish. That's one I have no connection with. I don't got it either. To be feet, not that they're, I guess I'm just not crazy about my own feet. I don't want anyone near my feet.

Okay. You know, like in a way that is, I don't, I concentrated sexually on my feet. We're talking about you're looking at an internet video. Oh. Feet don't get into play. Yeah. Stone, when you're looking at an internet video and there's a couple of people in bed

are part of you like, ooh, look at that part of the body. Look at that part. Your eyes drift down. Ooh, look at the feet. All the way to the bottom of the body. I mean, yeah, look at that part of the body, look at that part, ooh, look at the feet. All the way to the bottom of the body? Yeah, I guess, if it was a spectrum or whatever, yeah, I guess feet would be at like a two or a three or something like that. Out of four?

Out of five. Out of five. Okay, out of 10, okay, two or three out of 10. To me, feet are an easy one. But there's other things I'm way more attracted to, you know? Seven of zero is an option. Yeah, zero is an option. People have ass fetishes.

Well, yeah, so look, Stone, we're not, nobody is saying your only fetish is foot. Yeah, you don't go right for the foot. Yeah, yeah, you're right. And nobody's saying, hey, does Stone like butts? But I don't know. They're saying, Stone's also got a thing with feet and what you're saying Stone is,

I do but it's getting blown out of proportion. Exactly, I don't think it qualifies as something. But you also don't want another meme where you're holding on to some random butt with that face you're making there, Stone, because. I think I like that better. So I think what it is is you do have a foot fetish but the group is taking it too far

You're not like a foot weirdo Yeah, I mean like no one else jokes about like other people's sexual things, you know Yeah, but nobody else in the game tries to bring their sexual thing into the group in Vegas. Why did they? Oh I mean some people like hooked up in Vegas. So yeah, that's a I mean some people like hooked up in Vegas. So yeah, that's maybe So give me let me help you because now we've dug in pretty deep But the premise of this is we're on your side stone and not only just the premise the truth is I feel like I'm on Your side. Yeah for sure. So we're gonna pick it and it's just the truth. So we're gonna pitch on this but give us a You're a funny guy. What kind of zone do you want here?

But give us a, you're a funny guy. What kind of zone do you want here? I don't know, maybe give us comeuppance to some of my friends. Or maybe even start a better meme, you know? Yeah, okay, I like that. So when he said meme, I was like, well, it's not literally a meme, is it? And then it is.

But it's a way to say then, you have a foot fetish, but also everyone's gotta chill out. Yeah, I know, what's the big deal? And it's not a fetish, it's a fetish. What's a lesser word than fetish? It's a foot appreciation. Yeah, or what if we did something of, yeah, I'm into feet sexually,

but out of 10, it's only like three. But I'm into other body parts way more. Like butt would be, wait, hold on. Okay, stone, let's do this. Out of 10. Out of 10. So you got a 10 count stone. And like slices of a pie, you can't go past 10. You get 10 slices.

How many, we're gonna say three slices our feet so you have seven remainder and we can change them oh yeah if it's just that it's just that you might want to change the foot one okay hold on all right so then out of ten tell me what a what what butts are But I feel like that's the sauce it's like Yeah, it's like I Don't know I guess takes 65 slices five slices. What slices what our breasts? breasts

If you say that's the sauce again, I'm gonna fall on my chair laughing If everything is the sauce and everything is five, I'm gonna have I'm gonna explode sauce right there That's the so what about feet if you go damn, those are the sauce right there stone. We're hanging up the call No, he would be like those are like garlic topping or something And I'm starting to by the way, sadly, I think I... Yeah, it's a garlic topper. I don't think you're off. Yeah.

So you're talking about, we're talking about butts are five. It's equally pungent. Yeah, we're talking about breasts are... Where are we going with breasts? Breasts, yeah. Breasts? I don't know. I like my metaphor better.

I'm sorry, Jake. But yeah, breasts are like the crust, I feel like. Okay, but out of ten. How many slices of breasts? A crock out feel like. Okay, but out of ten. How many slices of pie? A crock out of ten. We got ten slices of pie. Yeah, I mean, like three. Three and a half.

Yeah. Okay. So. So we're left with one and a half. And so what do you think about feet? Remember, we got mouth, we have. Yeah, and we can keep adjusting this. Yeah. We have yeah, and we can keep adjusting this yeah, I

Guess like like a point to five or I guess yeah Right now I have a foot finish. Okay. Okay, and then what about face? Face Wow that's all God What's that? I know what this is what we're gonna do we might just send this cheese Here's what we're gonna do for the meme is we're gonna do a big slice of beans and send this to your friends You want to know the truth? Here's the truth It's gonna be what you really feel And then you get gonna go at the bottom if you call that a foot fetish you're an idiot

So okay, so we just 1.5 face and then that'll be it. That'll be the order. That's not 10 though. So far we have 5 for butt 3 for breast 1.5 for face 0.25 for feet We have 8 9 and a half. have another point two five two

five what's the last point two five what point two five equal to feet I'm excited goes um so we have to add another category right now well no just another body part stomach okay fingers armpits armpits. Armpits, nice. I guess. How about- How about the shoes? What about stomach? Hair, hair. Hair, okay, hair. Okay, hair is what?

0.25. 0.25, okay. So now I'm gonna read this back to you and I want the truth, because we can adjust. From top to bottom, he likes. All right, great, great. So when you are thinking about what turns you on, Stone, and what you like in a sexual partner, five slices out of 10 slices, it's their butt cheeks.

No, no butt. Right. Can you mind if I say butt cheeks? Yeah. Thank you, Stone. Yeah. Justin's childish, but, but you're not it is what it is You're not talking about like the underneath hanging so you talking about the butt cheeks. Yeah, I think so about everything stone you don't want to like

The whole but right Okay, yeah, okay, let's not get lost underneath hanging part just like underneath the butt those like little levels He's just thinking about slapping cheeks, okay I don't want to put words in his mouth like he likes to put feet in his mouth. Look at that face That guy is just thinking about the cheese. That's not just cheeks. He likes it all he likes it all. Okay, so then That guy is just thinking about the cheese. That's not just cheeks. He likes it all he likes it all okay, so then Three out of ten you're like they're very interested in the breasts. Yeah No, just three oh three okay

Shockingly low make breasts and butts for cuz I feel bad a brass or four feel like I'm I'm like down the middle Okay, so this is interesting so that's taking me in a direction that I'm gonna be shocked on the next one your partner's face is now less than 1.5 now Point five sexually. Well, yeah talking about being in bed with somebody stony. Yeah, the mouth is the gateway Okay, you're talking about the face is a point five. It's so close to the feet It's so close. Yeah feet. It's so close. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

You're right. Yeah. I got to face and feet are this close. I gotta give it a slice. Look, wait, Stone. Did you end up being intimate with the with the person that you were hoping? No, they all teased him that night. So, no, no, no.

But this year I went and I was attracted to somebody but and then I broke up with my girlfriend But then yeah, okay the one that the chemistry wasn't there Yes, exactly guys guys guys guys guys guys guys. Okay stunt. I would love to turn this into fucking dr. Mori. We have a job here So are you willing to my willing to minus five on butts and go to four? Yes. Give it to face. So let's do four butts, four breasts. Take a slice from butts and give it to face.

And now a full one, which is so low brother, for face. And so now you've got, so we can do, how about 1.5 for face? All right, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then point to- You think that's moral. No, Stone, Stone, I want the truth, my man. I'm just your lawyer. But what I want is the truth. I can't represent you without the facts.

I just think that can't be true that feet and face are the same. I can't believe that to be true, but maybe it is. Okay, it's not, it's not true, it's not true. Yeah, yeah. No, but when you go to Vegas and you see a girl's face, are you thinking like, yeah, let me see your feet. Yeah, okay, so all right, here's what we're gonna do. You're gonna point five off of both butts and boobs and put that on the face. Okay, so that's gonna be 3.5 for each of those. Yeah, and then we are going to get to 2.5 on the face.

Okay, so now I think this, by the way, I'm feeling good about this if you are. So here's what we got now. Butts, 3.5. Breasts, 3.5. Face, 2.5. Hair, 0.25. Feet face 2.5, nice. hair 0.25, feet 0.25.

If you say I have a foot fetish, you're an idiot. That's it. Boom, Lawyer. And then we ended with boom, Lawyer. And the top is Stone's sexual tastes. Yeah, I can't believe you even want to know about this. No, Stone's fetishes. Stone's fetishes.

What do you think of that, Stone? I can't believe you even care, you weirdos. You're my fucking friends. But because you do care. Yeah. And it's that picture in the background. Yeah. But maybe instead of the feet, he's holding the chart.

A butt and a boob instead of feet. Or the middle of it is just a chart. Oh yeah, that's good. Yeah, yes, oh I see. With his hands, that's perfect. It looks like he's holding a chart. And so he's holding the chart. Hey Rob, do you know how to do that?

If he sends the original photo, we can do that. Can we get the original photo and then we can do that. Can you send the, can we get the original photo and then we can send that back to you? Stone's, totally sexual fetish pie. Yeah, and I like that. And Stone, how do you feel about that as a rebuttal to try to change the vibe of this foot fetish that they try to have?

Because you don't have a foot fetish. He did request comeuppance. Is there not enough comeuppance in that? You tell us Stone, you happy with this? I'm so happy, honestly. So then tell us this Stone, because we're guys who obviously love followups and we're producing an internet radio show.

What can we do for our show? How can we get their reaction? Is that gonna be on an email chain you send them? And then you'll just send us screen grabs of people's reactions. Or do you want us, or you know what you could do? You could say, if you have any reactions, please leave them as voice notes.

Or how about this? How about this? You know what we could do? What? He could post it on his Instagram or Facebook and then we could have a reading of the comments below. That's a great idea And then some of them will probably be and would you be okay if we posted it on our social medias? Yeah

Yeah, yeah, okay, and I posted on my discord because that's where all my friends congregate You're gonna tell me how old I am again. Hey, man. I can't believe girls and guys were hanging in Vegas What the hell is this? Do you mind if I toss it up on my platypus? We're hanging in Vegas. What the hell is this? Do you mind if I toss it up on my platypus? You get typing out in that fake website all you want my man it doesn't exist all right sweet stone You're a winner. Thank you for call. Please follow up with us Yeah, I can't wait to see you Yeah, and thanks for taking that the pie chart seriously I think we got a good picture and I will say this now as a guy a couple decades older than you you do not have a foot

fetish now are you a little weird with feet yeah point two five out of ten whatever it's a body part yeah but out of ten point two five yeah yeah so if somebody goes you have a foot fetish you go like this I guess no point two five yeah and they'll go what does that mean? You go, look at the meme, you dork. And they'll be humbled. Thanks, guys. Thanks, Don. You guys are the freaking best.

You're the best, buddy. Hi, everybody. Producer Jesse here. If you want to see the memes from this episode, go to heretohelppod.com or check out our Instagram at heretohelppod.com or check out our Instagram at heretohelppod to see these gems. We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question at helpfulpod at gmail.com.

If you want to watch video episodes of We're Here to Help, you can go to our Patreon at patreon.com slash here to help pod to see our entire catalog. We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grimm Productions, executive producers Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter and Natalie Hollis, associate producer Jesse Thurston, editing, mix and master by Chris Fowler. Theme song by Oliver Raleigh, the cover artwork is by James Fostike. Animations by Andrew Strilecki. And if you'd like to see Gareth do stand up on the road,

go to garethrentholds.com. Remember all of the advice given on we're here to help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions. All video episodes of season one are available now on Patreon, and season two video episodes will be available every Monday starting January 20th. Okay.