We're Here to Help - 164: A Wig on a Wig and Polite Alphas (with Eric Edelstein and Katie Nolan)

Episode Date: April 21, 2025

Jake and Gareth help a caller Wig-gle her way out of a workplace dilemma. Plus, a story from Eric Edelstein and the epic follow-up to Episode 153 "PFF," featuring the return of guest helper Katie Nolan.See caller images here!Want to call in? Email your question to [e-mail]: https://patreon.com/heretohelppodMERCH: heretohelppod.comINSTAGRAM: @HereToHelpPodIf you’re enjoying the show, make sure to rate We’re Here to Help 5-Stars on Apple Podcasts.Advertise on We’re Here to Help via Gumball.fm See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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With a $5 meal deal with new McValue, you pick a McDouble or a McChicken, then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Prices of anticipationuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Prices and participation may vary. McDonald's meals $6 in some markets for a limited time only. We're here to help. We're here to help. We're here to help. And we are back. And we are back. We just finished something with Katie Nolan.

We just finished something with Katie Nolan. She came back for the PFF floor hockey guys. She came back for the PFF floor hockey guys. We end the episode with Jack and Alex. We end the episode with Jack and Alex. Yeah. Sensational. Sensational. Sensational.

Let's not oversell it. Let's just say enjoy. And let's just say this is what the show is. The show, this is the show. I'll tell you what. The show is a wild ride. And I don't want callers to try to know. We don't want a bunch of people.

No, copycats. No, the beauty of this show is when they're original, but holy shit was that enjoyment. Enjoyable. It really did. It tickled the show and the sports part of us equally. And Katie, it was a goddamn pleasure. Katie's the best. Check out Casuals. And our podcast Casuals, yes, we're just gonna say it's awesome. Katie's the best the best The best and it's just a goddamn pleasure and then so what we've got right now. We've got a little something special Morgan and I were doing something on the patreon which I think we were not exactly well

I know what we were doing Morgan came up with an idea to ask people on the patreon to come up with ideas for what we could ask at the beginning of the show. So where are you from? And then we were responding to it in real time. And I was texting with Eric during it, so I just sent him a Zoom link and I said, King, why don't you get on? And it was right after we had done Jamila's podcast, Wrong Turns, and Eric was on fire during it. He's the best. We were talking about it after, and I talked to him after a little. Eric is just the greatest. He's as funny as he gets. He's just the greatest, and he murders on that episode. He's as funny as it gets on planet Earth. And when he gets cooking, just watch out.

Well, it's the details that you, cause again, like you know him better than me. So the details you want for all, they feel made up. And then he's like, brother, I was doing it because of that. I'm like, I can't believe that was true. Endlessly funny. Endlessly, yes. But so he came on and we were just doing the thing,

but Eric started, I asked him to tell his colonoscopy story and he does. And it was so funny that we wanna put it into this intro. So then Natatech said, it's too weird just on its own. So we are setting up that intro. Without even hearing it, Nat Nat Attack is 100% right. I mean, if the intro to this show cannot just be Eric's colonoscopy story, why not? Why not?

Tethered to the format minorly as important. I believe so we got a great show. We've had a really nice bump recently of new listeners. So welcome. So, you know, things are just going great in the we're here to help universe. But I would recommend listening to Eric's story because also in the middle of it,

I'm just gonna give a little teaser. It is similar to Steve Berg's chicken Gareth his his his chair breaks He doesn't miss a fucking beat this king He just does not allow any air. He doesn't allow me to get in and comment. He just So there I was on the table. Whoa, I'm on the team. And it is a work of art.

It is. After he was done, Morgan, I just, we gave him a standing ovation. Oh, fuck. Well, here you, I mean, what do you want? Honestly. So, so listen, thank you everybody. Enjoy the show and enjoy the amuse bouche ofche of Eric Edelstein's colonoscopy story when his colon breaks a chair beneath him.

So without further ado. We are here with Morgan Nellie. We are here with Eric Edelstein. And by the way, you say I say your last name incorrectly. You say it. There's a debate on how it's supposed to be said. You say it both. And I've had people tell me I say it wrong for saying Edelstein.

I'm like, it's my contrarian great grandfather. I don't know. I gotcha. Okay. However you want to say it. So you have told me in the past a great story when I got my colonoscopy. You said, I got my colonoscopy, you said, I got a story for you, and you told it briefly.

Will you tell us and take your time the story of when you got your colonoscopy? For sure. And then do you wanna hear a brief version of why I got the colonoscopy? Yes. The moment, so I've been very lucky in my life where I've had some incredible friends that are great

examples. You being in the top three. Thanks. But also my Gonzaga friends were there. And this was the incident that led me to go there, where I went to a place in Spokane called K's All You Can Eat Teriyaki with Mike Nielsen. And earlier we'd gone to the gym, and sometimes it was rare before Gonzaga had a big Nike deal to get gear.

But I walked out of that gym with a pair of pristine white Gonzaga game shorts. Then we went to Kay's teriyaki. Then I got very excited. Then leaving Kay's teriyaki, if you can imagine my old house is next to a train stop. So the train is stopped. There's probably holding you know, 50. Why are you holding a lighter? It's eight in the morning.

I light incense. Okay, keep going. Oh yeah, for sure. And sage, are you kidding? No, just to keep the, just to keep your bad energy clear. Um, so Mike Nielsen and I go to Kay's Teriyaki. We're coming back and then all of a sudden

I feel this feeling in my stomach. Uh. Like there's an ang- Teriyaki, we're coming back and then all of a sudden I feel this feeling in my stomach. Uh. Like there is an end. Teriyaki juice. Yeah, a lot. And we did not get cheated at K's teriyaki and Spokane Wash. And what does that mean, cheated?

How about you just over order? Just didn't get fucked over. If I'm gonna pay 8.99 for teriyaki, I'm gonna eat till I'm basically sick. Oh, it's an all you can eat place. It was, and it's not around anymore, I think because college students abuse K's teriyaki. So you had was in all and it's not around anymore. I think because college students abuse case terrier. I think you had was it a buffet.

Yeah, it was a buffet and then they'd order stuff and they'd give kind of a look. And I go in there with these other giants because they played basketball. They were never thrilled to see us. And I wouldn't eat breakfast. I would go in there around one thirty just to beat the system, not get fucked over and eat as much teriyaki as I could. So I come back and there's a little bit of problem getting dropping me off because of this train that stopped.

So I get about five steps out of the car and then I feel this lurch in my stomach. Like there's an angry gnome about to fight his way out for her way out. God bless 2025. So I move about five more women. Women aren't fighting for that. All right. All right Well, if they are trying to get it to a Morgan The gnome and Eric's stomach during his stories. I want to be the chicken teriyaki from some the fight

That's not the fight Eric Jake representation matters. Okay So I get maybe Five feet out of the car and I realized something horrible is about to happen. And meanwhile, here's this giant guy running, holding up his white basketball game shorts and every head is kind of looking at me because they're all just stopped and forced to watch. And this is pre cell phones. They're not on their phones, but there's a giant guy with a scared look on his face holding up white basketball shorts sounds you're making as you're

Mike Mike, okay, buddy. Yeah and praying my friend will drive out quickly so he doesn't see what I can feel like is about to Go down So I'm running to the front door and then I realized it is not gonna happen I'm not gonna make it inside but I can't explain to you how bad I wanted these basketball shorts I was wearing. And I don't know what is going to come out of my body and if it could stain it. So right as I get to the front door, Eric, you're adding so much insanity. Well, it's important. But why did first of all, yeah, did you care about the basketball shorts? So because I felt like I had not gotten as much gear as I should have gotten for hosting as many recruits as I should have gotten.

And I really wanted these shorts. And like I did some for basketball camp and I got the shorts. So there's only like, you know, 12 a year of these shorts. I still have. In fact, I gave you a pair of them. I remember. I hope you still have them because they're 1990 nine guns, I could game shorts. And those ones did not get hit with what almost got hit with. I remember you gave them to me.

They were massive and I loved them. They're, they're incredible. They're incredible. And I wanted to keep them pristine for this reason. They're sewn, they're stitched. They don't make them like that anymore. So as I get to the front door, I feel this thing about to propel itself out of my body. So in one motion with all these cars going, I just whip these shorts down.

Eric, I know, buddy, I know. And at this time, this is not the story I was asking for. This is a college shit story. You can edit it all out, Fred. Truly. This is just a no. Sure, you can. Sure, you can. So then I get there and I feel and you know me I'm not a bathroom humor guy. I'm not an explosive shit story, but this is also important to know somebody as

Resistance as I am to the doctor ended up getting a full monoscopy. I know why this is happening. Why? We just did Jamila's podcast together didn't yeah, there's a buzz About the work I did, yeah. It hasn't been released yet. So it was called Wrong Turns. Sure. The premise was we all had to come in with a wrong turn story, right?

I did have this story ready, yeah. Yeah. At the last second, hold on Eric, at the last second they said, I know you and Gareth both pitched shit stories, Eric and Gareth both had shit stories and they go, we're getting too many of them. So Eric in the last second pivoted.

And boy was it a good pivot. There's a buzz on that pivot. There's a real buzz on that pivot. Everyone will hear it. It's great. It's great. So then today, the colonoscopy story takes place in 2024. And Eric goes, in order to hear that story,

you need to hear a story from 1999, exclusively because there was a bullet. No, no, no, no. The colonoscopy story takes place about six weeks later, I promise. Oh, really? This is what forced me to the colonoscopy. You can imagine.

My bad, my bad, my bad. You can imagine 22 year old me was not gonna go to a colonoscopy. So this happened. The colonoscopy, have you gotten one recently? I've got one maybe five years ago. Okay, keep going. I'll get another one soon.

Cause I have, cause what I got, I got to get them regularly. Yeah. But this is who got me to get my first one. Okay. So I get to the front door, I yank the pants down and it seriously is like something from a movie,

the propulsion from case teriyaki. This defecation leaves my body and in a liquid form flies five to seven feet behind me and nails the garage across from the door. Yeah, I've never seen anything like it. And neither had all the people stopped waiting for that train Because I just I feel all these eyes on me and I look Just a gas and horrified because this massive guy has just shot jet propulsion defecation out of his ass and then I leave the shorts down Stagger inside jump in the shower and I looked in the shorts are pristine Yeah, I I have one. I shit all over a garage, but I have one.

Well, here's where we have a problem. So I take, I take the shower, I get in and the shorts are on. Then I look out and it looks like a death scene. Like it's just horrible. And I'm like, I got to clean this quick. And what my roommates should have known is I didn't clean a goddamn thing at 1307 East Mission. So then I was out there cleaning this. You didn't clean a thing when we all went to Landers

and Brian Farrell made you pay extra. Yeah, I had to pay an extra for the damage deposit. For Steve Berg being in this murder cabin outside while Clay Allen was on artists pillow top high thread count. I think I'll stay here boys. So I go out there and I start cleaning and it's just horrific. There's like it's just teriyaki and bad decisions and the night before drinking I'm sure.

And then my roommate Andy Hill gets home and he's the main reason I don't want to say I should outside because what the hell are you talking about big fella because he was a basketball coach still is a basketball coach he's the head assistant University of Washington and he didn't like some of my decision making and sleeping and so I'm like I don't need to hear shit from Fredo about this shit thing so I cleaned it up and he shows up and comes over and says, what the hell happened out here? Oh my gosh. So I'm like, you can't fall backwards and not miss a beat. Can't I?

Too much is happening. I'm golden, brother. No one knows. Keep going. This chair had been waiting to go down for a while, man. It just fucking happened. God damn it. So he comes up and he's like, what the hell happened out here, big fella? And I'm like, Oh, buddy. I'm just thinking of a lie. I'm like, um, I think it was like a sick animal like a coyote. Well, I mean, look at this. He starts looking and he gets real philosophical, I kid you not. And he goes, a coyote didn't do this. We did this. A poor fuckers over there trying to be a coyote and people are feeding cheetos and beer and

shit and rat poison. Now look, this is sad. And then he kind of takes a step, looks in and then he walks in and had no clue that I was cleaning up my own shit, which he should have figured out. Like if a coyote really shit in front of the house, there's, I would not have been the one to clean it. There's five other roommates. There's a chore list. I would have happily not cleaned it. But he never figured out until a few years ago that the giant shit pile was from me. And word got around pretty quickly. I did the best job cleaning I could, but I mean, it hit a door.

But this is kind of those things that I explained it to Mike Nielsen, my good buddy that you know, he couldn't stop laughing. But he was just like, I think you probably need to get a colonoscopy. Just check it out. Just that this isn't normal behavior, even if you had a tachycardia. So I went to get my colonoscopy. And what I did not tell them was I was, you know, having stomach issues. So I was taking like pain medication, drinking, I should have told the anesthesiologist like, we're gonna need more here, Fred. Yeah. Oh, in terms of the drugs.

In terms of the drugs, because what ended up happening was, I'm in the colonoscopy, I go under, you think you're just, when you open your eyes, you're gonna be done, and that nice, amazing, surreal feeling. Yeah. Well, instead, I wake up, there's four people around me, and I'm in the middle of the colonoscopy,

and I've wokenopy. Oh my god. I just lean forward and they all look at me like I've seen a ghost. I look at the video screen and go, Hey, there's my ass. And then I went back to sleep. And that was truly, truly happened. And they kind of afterward like, do you remember waking up like, yeah, I remember waking up and saying, yeah, there's my ass. And they're like, that was our greatest moment in any colonoscopy. But we also gave our

anesthesiologist shit because he should have given you more. That shouldn't have happened. Enjoy the show. WWF or World Wildlife Fund is now part of the show. Nature needs us now more than ever. Our forests, oceans, freshwater systems, and grasslands are crucial for wildlife and for us. This is an ad that my wife is going to love more for partnering with and I like that because I like

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go to 1-800-Flowers.com slash here to help. That's 1-800-Flowers.com slash here to help. Hi, can we get your name please? Yeah, let's go with, uh, Gemma. Gemma. And where are you calling from Gemma? Gemma. Gemma.

Uh, Virginia. Virginia. And, uh, how old are you Gemma? 32. 32. And, uh, what do you like to do? What's a fun Friday night Gemma? Not very, uh, I'm not very cool. So a fun Friday night is probably just like reading a book on the couch with my dogs. That sounds nice. What kind of dog?

I have four. I have two poodles and then two like small toy breeds. Cool. And what are their names? Oh, Reese, Tilly, Tux, and Jack. Holy shit. Great. So then Gemma, mother of four, Reese, Tilly, Tux, Jack. What can we do for you today? Yeah, so I am a full-time remote employee. I work for a tech company and I work from home.

Every few months or so, I fly into my office's physical location. And so I have a trip coming up soon. And so my problem is a few months ago, I started wearing wigs because I have natural curly wild hair and it was hard to maintain and I just didn't want to do it anymore. So I threw on a wig when my coworkers saw it on our Zooms and Teams meetings, they were like, oh my God, what did you do? And I blanked and I was like, oh, I just straightened my hair. And so my problem is I am flying out in a few weeks and I'm definitely wearing a wig.

And I don't know what to say when they ask me in person. I get it. So the curling cream, the process to avoid a perm when they ask me in person. Yeah, I get it. So the curling cream, the process to avoid a perm became too much work. And what's the website where you're getting these things? Do you have the URL? Hold on, Jake, mute yourself. Go ahead, Gemma, what is it?

I'm looking at a few options here. There seems like some good stuff. They're so expensive. They're really expensive. Is there a cheaper one? Do they do shorter ones like newscast right here? Okay. So, are you wearing the same style wig?

You're doing- This is wild, Gemma. It's wild. You've really painted yourself into quite a strange little wig corner. Yeah We have a picture of the wig as well when oh great. So hold on. We'll take a look So obviously this will all go on our website We can blur the face and what's the name of the website again? Sorry. I'm dyslexic as hell. I always forget names

This will be here to help pod.com, and it's also on our Instagram. Let's see the photos. So that's your real hair. Your real hair is very beautiful curly. By the way, cut the sides. This is not a joke. Cut the sides. That's Garrett's new podcast hair.

I don't hate it. Oh my God. Gemma. Gemma, you're a crazy person. You look like an American doll with that wig. You look like an American girl doll. Go back to Burley. No, I've got a pitch. This is insane. This call is not about what we, Jemma, the reason why you're... Jesse, please stop going back and forth between the goddamn pictures. It's like I'm doing camera one, camera two.

I'm getting seasick. So Jemma, you don't... The reason why you wore the wig is because the hair that you had was too much work. That's pretty much why, right? Yeah. I'm 32. I've had that hair my whole life.

I've had it different colors. Oh, Gath has had that hair for about six months. I've tried different styles. Year under 30. He's 45. Keep going, Gemma. Sorry, Jake's drunk. Go ahead.

He's drunk with power. We just had a, we just made clown porn on the other call 32 years is just I wanted a change but I didn't want to like actually damage the hair although My natural hair probably looks Gemma hold on hold on. I have to say this. Okay. Your real hair is very cute, very curly, very, it's big. It's not crazy. It's just, you have curly hair.

Your wig picture that you sent in looks very unrealistic. The wig cherry. Do we want to just look at it one more time, Jesse? I know I said take it off. Let's just have one more. So the wig looks like, honest to God, for anybody who doesn't like to see the images, it looks like an American girl doll.

So if anybody's ever seen- Oh no. Yeah, it's the perfect fake hair, but your real hair, Gemma, is perfect. So if, yes, great, and guess what, you know what you could also do with hair like that? Host a podcast. What?

Gemma, he's some, listen, sometimes it feels like he's going somewhere and he's... That's not what I meant. That's not what I meant. That's not what I meant. Gemma, when you... I meant to put a body... Shut up, Jake. Gemma, when you started this call, he started mind-shooting arrows right away, as in, get

ready, take cover. Have you seen, really quick, Gemma, have you seen the podcast where there's like four little boys talking about different foods they eat? Gemma, I'm gonna actually focus on you again. One of them has the same perm as Gareth. Two of them do. Gemma, so, let me, to Jake's point a little bit,

it's like whatever makes you comfortable, obviously. But why not just let your hair, without doing all that stuff, what happens when you just kind of let your natural hair go? Yes. You don't like the look of it? Well, no, no, I like the look of it, but the location I'm flying out to is super dry.

And so I'm currently in a very... Humid area. I guess, yeah, humid area. You got the frizz, baby. You got the frizz. It goes so much bigger. What do you think about a ponytail? What do you think about a bun?

I'm telling you the wig is crazy. I'm telling you the wig is crazy. And I'm saying that as a friend. Oh no. The wig is crazy. I'm telling you the wig is crazy. And I'm saying that as a friend. Oh no. The wig is crazy. Jake. Why don't you just throw a wig on in an eye patch? And he goes, well, the sun gets in my eyes.

Can you pitch me why I can tell people I have an eye patch on? Yeah, here's my pitch. Take the eye patch off, unless you are missing an eyeball. Now, if this one, I don't have any hair. Jake, let's solve her want to say that her problem I'm trying to her problem is the wig is that she has lied about it being a wig So you just show up with curly hair and they say what's going on you say the dryness away Oh, you never bring up the wig you die with the wig lie

They go like this your hair looks different and you go I know at this temperature does crazy stuff to my hair. I try to straighten it, but that's so bad for my hair. And they go, it used to be straightened. This is the real her. Moving on. You know what's worse? You jump in a goddamn pool at a work trip. And your hair comes off, but you also have other hair.

Why are you wearing a wig? To cover my hair. What's wrong with your hair? Nothing. Gemma, look. You got a wig on a wig. This is madness. Why don't you wear five wigs? Gemma and Jake. If someone calls in and says I wear 10 wigs, why should I tell them I wear 10? I'm not pitching on that. Take the 10 wigs off. You know I'm right, Gareth. Gemma, Jake, sit on some ice for a minute, okay? Ice yourself for a minute.

Let me talk to Gemma here. Gemma, now Jake muted himself. Jake could not be controlled to the point where he's self-muted, which it's a first. Take the word off! He unmuted. He remuted. But I guess there's no point to himself muting. So Gemma, Jake's question is,

why not just on the next trip, since you've already done the wig lie, show up with your regular hair and some, doesn't even need to be super done up, but then you say, oh yeah, I changed my hairstyle. It just the temperature, all that. I just kind of changed it up. Okay.

Do you feel like you could do that? Because otherwise I think the fear on behalf of the show is you're just going to start doubling down on wig fibs and the web is only going to get a little title for you. So he is back to muted. The web's only going to get a little bit worse. It's going to start to probably compound and stress you out. And not probably. And they're probably I mean, I don't know why he's muting if he keeps unmuting to jump in.

The problem is people are probably going to start to go like, oh, she's weird. It's every time he talks, every time you talk to you, un-mutes and remutes just so you know. Do you understand the point a little bit? Like your worry is also our worry is that you're gonna have to kind of keep digging deeper down.

Yeah, that's true. No, I can definitely kind of do my hair, not done up, but just put a little bit more effort into it when I fly about. I would just say do that and maybe you don't even need to go full your actual hairstyle. You don't need to go the full Gemma, but you could just do a version that's kind of in the middle and I'll bet you people will be like oh gosh I just go yeah I just decided to just kind of change up my look a little bit

Because I do think the next time you go there people might I mean people are gonna start wondering what the fuck is going On in a way where the answer is that you just got sick of doing your hair. I think Jake is Jake's point is Yeah, it's probably just gonna get a little fucking hey Gemma. Hey Gemma I think Jake's point is, yeah, it's probably just gonna get a little fucking hair-y. Hey, Gemma. Hey, Gemma. You can't ever wear that wig again in your life.

I want you to throw that in the garbage can. Gemma? No. Gemma, Gemma, you can wear it again. That's not, that's Jake. Have you ever, hey, Jessie, could you Google American Girl doll? There's a doll I got for my daughters. I swear to God, it's the same exact hair.

Gemma, here's my pitch to you. You're a beautiful lady. You got beautiful hair. Naturally curly. A lot of guys who are 45 years old, who are on YouTube podcasts, would die for that hair. I don't understand. First of all, the age is off. Go ahead though, Jake.

Keep going. No, no, go ahead. Would not only die for that hair, they would wake up early to do a Zoom podcast with a 20-year-old friend and curl their hair for that. And then be surprised when that other friend goes Did you start doing curling cream? It's cream. I'm trying to I am trying to mute you and I fucking can't it's a real shame

That would have been a perfect time to be muted I'm trying But yeah, Gemma here's where I'm at and I'm sorry that and we can take a moment and Gareth can pitch solutions because I'm sure you got some good Yeah, this is Gareth. Do you see the American Girl doll photo? Yes. Okay, so we'll post that too. There's a resemblance. It's...

So, gentlemen, we're gonna send you this image too. There's a resemblance. But it's fine. Yes. It's fine. The main issue is that you're going to have to keep lying and it's going to get harder for you to undo the lie. This lie is physical.

It's harder. So really quick, Gareth, can you pitch really fast of things she could say? What was your original question, Gemma? What do I say to people when they ask about why I look like an American Girl doll and why I have a wig on over my natural hair? What do I say if they ask about it? I technically didn't want to like talk to them about it because I didn't want them to ask questions about it and so I guess I was kind of just wanting to be a bit delusional. But if they say to you, hey your hair used to be curly now. It's really straight. You're looking for

What do you say in that situation? Yeah, I straightened it No, you know what? I think you really say Gemma I'm wearing a wig and the reason I'm wearing a wig is because my hair is too curly and I don't want to deal with It honestly that's not a bad approach I'm wearing honestly if you want to do that, that's not a bad We just say my hair gets so frizzy. I just like the pain in the ass. So I just throw a wig on every now and then

But the problem is here's the problem Gemma the first round the first round of this you lied by the way So second thing I would say no, I would say lie on a lie equals the truth. What's going on with your hair? What do you mean? It used to be curly. I've never had curly hair No straight you mean so it went so straight to straight No, she no wait. Did they ever see you with curly hair? They did. Oh, yeah. Yeah, okay so then So honestly Gemma you But then, Jesus Christ. So he went from curly to straight.

So honestly, Gemma, you throw it in the garbage disposal. Just go burn the wig. It'll clog it. I know you're being hyperbolic, but for anyone, do not throw a wig in the garbage disposal. I agree. It's not what it's for. Here's what I want you to do. The hair will string it up.

Here's what I want you to do. Trap will get clogged. How much did you spend for that wig? And I want you to do. Trap will get caught. How much did you spend for that wig? And I want the truth. I want the truth. Handle the truth. I want the truth. You can't handle it.

It was about 300. Gemma, Gemma, Gemma. I've never felt more like a dad in my life. I'm going to come to Virginia and we're going to have a talk into about finances and life decisions. $300 to look like an American girl though when you got beautiful curls? Jake, Gemma, the move is, in our opinion... Get your head out of your ass! Jake, the move is, show up with your natural hair next time and if anyone asks

any questions, you either say, it was something I tried, I didn't really like it. That's a diplomatic way to do it. How many wigs you got Gemma? I'd rather not say. Gemma? Oh Jesus. How many wigs you got? Gemma, this is the snake wrapping around your neck. I would just answer. I have four. Four fucking wigs and $500 bucks! Can we just take a minute to congratulate Jake on his math? You spent over a grand on wigs

and you got a full head of hair! You're cut off from spending. You're not her dad? You're cut off from spending. You're not her dad. You're cut off! Jake! You're cut off! Gemma, you have the freedom to wear the wigs whenever you want. No, she doesn't, honey!

Yes, she does. No, she doesn't. Honey? You're my wife. When I'm not, I have wife energy. You and my daughter have the same hair when you curl yours. It's curling cream. Genetically, she got your hair when you faked it on a podcast in 46.

Jake, why am I getting older? Life happens, baby. We all get older. We're gorgeous as we age. The worst thing that happened on this show is when you unmuted for the second half. I'm muted. No, don't even bother. I think wear the wigs whatever you want, but the problem is if you lie about wearing it, you know, it's creating a fucking problem for yourself. I would just show up

next time, natural hair, and if anyone asks about your hair the last time, you just say, it was just something I was trying out. That's the truth, it's also not a lie, and I think that, like we said, the problem is you're just going to dig yourself further into the wig hole. So how do you feel about that pitch and with the total freedom to do whatever you want outside of it? To us, that probably seems like the safest long-term play especially at work the last thing you want to work for people to be like we're working with a liar and a maniac yeah who knows what's going on she might be hiding from

someone this woman spent ten thousand dollars on wigs by 2030 exaggerating and they don't know her weight budget Gemma go ahead the floor is yours yeah I think that's really good advice is to just wear my natural hair when I fly out in a few weeks. But question, when I come back to my home, am I allowed to wear the wig? Yes. But hold on, Gemma, for what? Where? Like where do you... For fun!

But is it, do you just wear the wig like when you go to get coffee? When do you wear the wig, Gems? I wear it all the time. Like I wake up, I'll work out, I'll shower and then I'll put the wig on. Yes. And then hop on Zoom meetings and then I'll probably be on Zoom meetings most of the day and the wig is still there. Oh, I get it. So you just use it the way I use a hat. Because you work remote. Now, do you wear the do you wear the wig after like

if you're going out for drinks with friends? Do you keep the wig on or is it just because you don't want to deal with your head? Because the only reason I wear a hat, I have a hat right next to my computer for these zooms. I just don't want to think about hair. So is it really just I throw that on for this. Now does that wig go into your life at all? If you're going out to dinner with a friend, do you wear the wig to dinner or is that crazy? No, I wear it to dinner.

I think that's, look. Now I'm scared again. Don't be scared. The only thing that's problematic is when you said it wasn't a wig. You can do like whatever, who gives a fuck? If you're, the truth is if you're wearing this. I do, she's got beautiful hair.

If this is. She's wearing a wig with friends. Take that energy. If you're wearing the wig for work Zooms, as long as you're not lying about it, you're fine. What I wouldn't do, and this is just because you previously lied about it on the work trip, I just wouldn't wear it again just so everyone knows That's your natural hair then if you want to wear it again

I'm the zoom they go oh I guess her hair straightened at home. Yeah, or you or whatever you're wearing a wig I mean, I just think the you mentioned that so casually Gareth It's so wild if someone's just wearing a wig. Well it it's just the lie is the issue. Like a hat, like you said, it's a fucking hat. It would be like me seeing you out and saying, hey, where'd you get that hat? And you go, it's not a hat. You're totally right. I'd be like, it's definitely a hat.

That's where it gets fucking weird. By the way, I actually agree. So the line of it is... If you're just a lady who likes wigs, wear a wig. Yeah, who gives a shit? You're right. So you can wear them whenever you want. But I think for the next work trip-

You're right, I'm not sure with Gareth. I think for the next- Or go with it, or wear it there, but then you've got to say it's a wig. Yeah, you gotta say it's a wig. If you're a wig lady, Jemma, be a wig lady. But I would say the issue is lying about it. Who gives a fuck?

If you wear it, again, the hat comp is perfect. Look, I've been hot on this call, but I'm gonna go a 180 and fully agree with Gareth I would say get rid of the wig use your natural hair But if you're a wig lady that be a wig lady you can't be a wig lady and lie about being a wig lady And who gives a shit? I really don't think anyone's gonna give enough of some people will yeah, but on this call But I really don't think, I really, I think whatever, you know, it's like,

it's an aesthetic and whatever. So you could do it, just, you can't lie about it. I think that is dead. Because people are gonna know. That it's a wig, 100%. Especially if you have four of them. Also, Gemma, by the way, everybody already knows. You ever see like an older lady in Florida

who's got like bright orange hair Yes, and acts like it's natural and you have to go like what that's not your natural color. Yes, Cheetos orange Or an old guy with a jet black beard where he's like, hey, you know what? I'm 84. I'm Al Pacino and you have to go like this Jesus how you look fantastic You've got to see no take it up here take it a lot of shrapnel on the show. He's not listening He has no idea what a podcast is. He might We don't know this whole show is out of order Gemma. What do you what are you feeling? How do you feel about that general take on this?

I like it. I definitely like the idea of Wearing the wig on my work trip and then just kind of being honest that like, no, no, no, this is a wig. This is definitely a wig. There you go. Love that. Yeah, yeah, I feel good about that. So there you go.

That's the, look, nobody's, I think the thing is that you probably think people are gonna give more of a shit about this than they will. And I also think- Don't jump in a pool. The deadliest move right now. If a dead animal- Don't jump in a pool. The deadliest move right now. If a dead animal falls off your head in a pool, people are gonna give a shit.

Kids are gonna scream. I think it would be an honor if I was at a pool and someone said, sir, will you help my wake? Because you're a standup comedian. I would do it with all sincerity and sensitivity. Maybe it comes up, maybe. That night you go, I just got 12 minutes.

Probably comes up. Well, you're on tour on the Eastside, garethrentals.com. It'll be the title of the special, but I will hold it with dignity and with respect. And Gemma, that's the only thing, just tell the people the truth. I agree with this. It'll feel way better.

So Gemma What are you gonna do? I'm gonna wear the wig great. I will Okay, keep going Steamroll pass me. Yeah Great. There you go. Well, this is what I think you need to do. Do it and then follow up with us and let us know how it goes. I'm guessing it's going to be a much less stressful experience than the first run. I hope so. Yeah. Okay. All right. Thank you for the call, Gemma. Please follow up and let us know. Will do. Thanks, guys. Bye. Thanks. Bye.

Gemma, please follow up and let us know. We'll do. Thanks, guys. Bye. Thanks. Bye. Bye. Bye. This episode is brought to you by Quince.

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So we're going to ask you to set up again what the call was. But before we tell you that, we were so excited that we invited back the guest helper from the first round, the great Katie Nolan is back on the show for the update. So you've got Jake, you you've got Katie you've got me Remind us of your names very quickly, and then we'll get into it To know the dogs competing Not wanting to walk through a door it's to alpha alphas being polite going like this. You go ahead because I'll go second.

Polite alphas. Yeah. I'm Jack. I'm Jack. I'm going to talk to you guys again. What's up, Jack? And then who else we got? I'm Alex.

Yeah. And so just to recap, so we're all on the same page. Alex called in first and Alex was saying that Jack thinks that he is better at floor hockey. And that all Alex was looking for was that the rankings out of a PFF of 15 was that Jack and Alex were basically like seven and eight. That would have made Alex happy. Jack believes he's two or three and Alex is a nine or a ten, but Alex with some lessons from Jack could get up to about five or a six. So easily. That's nice of you to say Jack. So then we decided the best way to go about this and the reason I'm taking over right now is we got two polite alphas.

So I'm going to be the impolite alpha because I'm dying for this info, but I want it to be clean. Then we decided to go to the group and send an email to everybody that they needed to do a PFF ranking out of 15 members or was it 12 members? Does anyone remember? 15. I thought it was 15. 15. Of. 15. Yeah. 15.

Of everybody right where Jack is and where Alex is, Katie, have I missed anything? I think that's all of it. I really, I'm so excited. I just want you to read the numbers to me. No, I know, I know, but I'm a slow burn guy. Have I missed anything? Jake Edges, Katie. Yeah, I feel that.

I want to make sure that it was survivor style, right? It was anonymous Replies kind of its emails, right? But it was the other people in the office didn't know we don't yes We don't tell Jack and Alex who's who Nat attack Is there anything else you feel we should include before we start getting into the numbers, which we are going to do one by one. Yeah. So I've made a presentation. You made a presentation? This is exciting, man.

I mean, Nat, you're attacking today. I don't want to make it more than it is. It's a very simple thing. Rob helped me brand it and design it. And so, but before we do this, He just texted me that he made the presentation. Fair enough, Rob. Sounds like Rob.

Not to get braggy, Rob. Rob attack. So is the presentation just so I know, cause I'm a hedger, is it just one image that gives us all the numbers? No, I'm gonna walk you through it just like you like Jake. Okay, thank you so much. I appreciate you.

We've gotten to know each other. Jack and Alex, let's start with you, Jack. Where are you at? What are you feeling? Um, you know, I woke up today and I was like, God, I hope I don't embarrass myself here. Polite Alpha. It's too late. Yeah, yeah, true. No, it isn't, here. Na. Polite Alpha. KD.

Yeah, yeah, true. Honestly. No it isn't KD. No it isn't. But we've had, we've played some good floor hockey since our call. Had a good game a couple weeks ago. Had some solid games in between. How did Alex play?

Just happy to be here. Jack, thank you for being happy to be here. How did Alex play? Be honest. Alex played solid as always. He's a good player. He had one game where he was doing... Oh, there's one day where Alex put me down nice one day. He had a one really good game. I sucked that day. And Alex was the opposite. Can I ask then one question, please Gareth quickly it had do you feel like the call has affected your place since and Have you noticed any vibe shifts with the guys you play with since the email?

There I mean we get a lot of like jokes like like oh like oh you scored that one for the podcast or something like that Like, like, oh, like, oh, you scored that one for the podcast or something like that. Of course. But that I would say the day I feel like the first day after the first floor hockey day after the podcast came out, I definitely I had like my worst game in a long time. And I was like, I definitely got in my head. Oh, yeah, I got way into my head. I was like, I was like, man, I told these people I was I thought I told all these people I was like the second best player and man, I told these people I was I thought I told all these people I was like the second best

Player and like I better deliver on that and I did not Tighten them. Yeah. Yeah, but we recovered every great athlete. Okay. Yeah. Well, what you know about that Jake just out of curiosity What are you talking about? Oh a lot This isn't about us. Yeah, but you just made it about us because you brought it up. Keep going I don't want to... Mad Attack, delete all this. What are you talking about? Just make it between Sadie and I. What are you talking about? Just keep deleting all this.

Alex, how are you feeling about everything? Big dog, polite alpha, where you at, King? You know, I'll be honest. I'm feeling pretty good. I love him. I love him. I'll do it too. You're such an out man From the podcast honestly, I think the podcast gave me a lot of confidence

Like like I've come in and I like I I don't know if I really defined that I was a glue guy before the podcast and that Helped me find my role a little bit and like I've really settled into the wing position a little bit. That's a natural spot for you, for sure. And so I think... Katie agrees. Katie and I said it at the same time. Jake. I've played a little bit more aggressively, I'd say.

I think Jack would agree with that. Jack would you? Jack would you? Yeah, sure. Sure, sure. Yeah. Don't say sure. With the comma sure, Jack. Polite alpha. Yeah, would you? Yeah, sure. Sure, sure. Yeah. Don't say sure. Wait, the comma's sure, Jack. Kaleid Alpha. Yeah, he really is.

Yeah, sure. Really, really what I figured out is that I don't know if like one-on-one I'm a better player, but I do think that if I had a team of four Alexes and they had to play four Jacks, I think four Alexes, like the cohesion and the ball movement is it's just it's pretty phenomenal right now. Okay, Jack, do you think four Alex's would beat four Jacks? No chance. Okay, okay so let's not get into the weeds on this. Guys we have an answer today, we have an answer. Now Alex, I just

have to say to you, you know, Katie's a big fan. Gareth is a big fan I'm a fan of both No, I'm a fan but I love that you're a glue guy, but I don't mind Jack either and with the embarrassing myself Jack Jack, let's not why are we doing this? Let's just get some Said I agree to the thing he was doing that we were flagging. Fair. Not blue. Here's what I got to say.

Fair. Yeah, sure. Yeah, sure. Do you speak English? Yeah, sure. Okay. All right. So Alex, whatever the results are, I'm asking you, my glue guy, don't let the confidence

come down. You're on an ice cream. And I'm saying this, I don't know the results are, I'm asking you, my glue guy, don't let the confidence come down you're on an ice cream. And I'm saying this, I don't know the results. Yes, I think we should say... It would be a real sour note if this brought you down a notch. Why don't we say this, Jake and Katie, back me up if you agree here. No matter what the results, let's accept them and let's not let them affect the overall vibe.

Tonight's game. Yes, tonight we still got a game. Because keep in mind something, Jack and Alex, we're the media, we're sports writers. So what we're saying about you does not define your game. Remember when everyone said Peyton Manning couldn't win the big one? Remember when they said Aaron Rodgers is weird?

No, Jake, you are trying to wipe it out. Remember when they said Jordan Love is overrated? Remember when they said the Bears haven't won a Super Bowl in most people's lifetimes? Let's not make this about us, Gareth. You always want to go on the attack. Jake. He's the Stephen A. Smith of this podcast. Yeah, he really is. He really is.

If we're reporters, I'm Stephen A. Who are you here, Katie, and who's Gareth? I feel like I'd be Mina Kimes. Yeah, great call. I'm Stephen a who are you here Katie and who's Gareth? I feel like I'd be Mina times And Gareth is like a guy from part of the interruption the hot guy with the hair Tony Reilly I'll tell you I honestly was worried skip Bayless was gonna be said Would be I'm Shannon Sharp. Yeah. But unfortunately, I'm Stephen. That's coming across a lot. Yeah, yeah, we do get that.

My dream is Shannon. And I wish there was video of me with a woman that got released and the silence she was making. And it sounded like a warthog looking for truffles. What a dream that would be. But it's not that, unfortunately. So Jack and Alex, before we get to the numbers,

Jack, what's your final prediction? Where are we at out of 15? What are you gonna be rated? So I was thinking about this, like mathematically, if I think I'm two, everyone agrees with Vic at one. If I think I'm two, and anyone else thinks that they're also two,

then like there's no chance that the final number will be two. So I'm hoping for top five. I'll say five. Okay, top five. Okay, Alex? Where you at, big dog? What's your final PFF score and where do you think you're gonna be? You know, I'm right, I'm right down the middle. I'd say like slightly above the average like six or six. I'd say six. We'll give you six points. And where, Jack? What's your final call of where's Alex?

No, I hope, I hope he's six. I hope he's six. Stop saying that. Don't do that. Don't do that. I like that. I'll throw him, I'll throw him to eight. Okay.

Alex, where's Jack? Uh, yeah, I think he's right on. Like that was a very humble approach by Jack that I haven't seen from him before. Um, I'd say five. He went through some media training after this one dropped. Yeah, he's honestly, he's thinking about the endorsements after the show to be quite honest. Everybody changes after their rookie year. Yeah. I've never heard Alex say that I was top five before, so that's very nice. Yeah, I know you guys

This could be a 30 for 30 eventually, we don't know. 30 for 30 would be sweet on this Yeah, it'd be like a 4 for 4 to be honest. This is just a floor hockey rivalry. We're actually pickleball partners So like we're we've made up another athletic life. Multi-sport athletes? I didn't know We did play a varsity Sport back in the day together, so No one each other forever. This is a lot. Yeah, this is a 30 for 30 so Jack Let's be honest you don't view yourself as top five you're being humble you view yourself as two But you think everybody else's so you think you're three cut the bullshit. We ain't doing media training. They say ESPN Jack What's your real number?

bullshit training this ain't ESPN Jack what's your real number here King? It's just bullshit! I'm not gonna play the bullshit! Real number I do think that I you know should be two. Okay so you're two yes so Jack feels he's two, Alex you feel you're six but Alex you're being really sweet you're originally called in because you said you and Jack are even so you think Jack is five and you're six, but Alex, you're being really sweet. You're originally called in because you said you and Jack are even. So you think Jack is five and you're six and you're happy with that. Yeah, I'm delighted with that.

Great Jack. You think Alex is eight and you think you are too. Correct. I'm delighted by that. Yeah. Yeah. Katie. Do you have anything else before you see the numbers?

I just need to come. Can we please have the numbers? Please, I'm dying. This is taking so long. I'm dying to know who's better. Katie, we're gonna go another 45 minutes of this. I got you right where I want you, Katie. Garrett, anything before you finish?

I came minutes ago. I got you nowhere where I walked you. My back is wet. I got another round in me, baby. Wonderful. I got the KDI. I've got to keep going until Garrett reloads. I've been doing this with him for almost 20 years. Here's the new one.

I need a cold towel in 10 minutes. Oh, just blame it on weird sweat. Let's keep going. Keep going, baby. No clean up. So, just blame it on weird sweat. Let's keep going. Keep going, baby. No cleanup. So Nat Attack. Hey. I say, baby, it's time for you to take over and walk us through. And will you read what's going on and just guide us through this a little bit? Yeah, sure. Okay. First off, before we do it, Jack, Alex, how you feeling? Last thoughts. I see. We've been waiting a long time for this. Maybe he's edgy.

Yes, we're all ready, Jake. You're setting it up to be too much. You're doing a great job, Jake. It's just driving me nuts. In terms of the metaphor, I have lost my erection. I'm trying to get it back. You know what you're doing? I've lost the weeds of the game.

You're doing the who wants to be a millionaire where you're like, all right. But it's simply because I've lost track. No, get it back. You know what you're doing? You're doing the weeds of the game. You're doing the who wants to be a millionaire, where you're like, all right. But it's simply because I've lost track. No, we're back. I'm moving on. We're just going to go. Natatak, go. This is good.

OK, so you guys made a bet at the end of the last call. Oh, right. So these are the terms of the bet. So if Jack ranks at a one or two, or if there is a six point difference difference and Jack is six points higher than Alex Then Alex will take a lesson from Jack We want video and if Jack and Alex are within three points Then Jack will apologize to Alex for offering lessons in front of the whole

Jack and Alex are you both still okay with this? Absolutely. I can't lose. Alex? Like, there's no way that he's six above me. Okay, so for you, you are the six above you. It says if Jack ranks one or two. So if Jack is a two, you need to take a lesson from him.

Yeah, I agree. Or if there is a two, you need to take a lesson from him Yeah, I agree or if there is a six-point difference so then for Alex if Jack if you guys are within three points you need to apologize to the whole team Alex you need to Film it and Jack don't do it half-ass and trying to be cute and funny fucking apologize Yeah, I will do it with all the passion of floor hockey and love for Alex And I want there to be something in there Where you do say my ego is out of control Okay All right, let's uh, holy shit. All right. We go. We only we only received seven submissions

Seven and hold on Alex and Jack. Does that change anything for you guys? So half the team basically Excuses, okay Jack Alex and Jack does that change anything for you guys? So half the team basically. Before we get into excuses. No. Okay. Jack, you're okay with the seven? It landed more than I thought. Yeah, it landed in a lot of junk mail. What? People's junk mail apparently. Wow. Okay. But so Jack and Alex, you are willing to accept the seven as our final answer, yes? Yes. Katie, are you unhappy with the seven?

I'm unhappy. I just feel like they had so much time. Yes? Yes. Katie, are you unhappy with the seven? I'm unhappy. I just feel like they had so much time. But maybe we gave that, was it that they had to get their vote in by a certain time? We had a deadline. We got late commissions, which I took anyways. But I also think a lot of people didn't care,

because it's just stupid foolhardy at work. Wow. I think I wouldn't have cared anymore. I care so much. So I'm a little disappointed that the people who are in control of it, look, I've been disappointed at people for not voting before.

So it's just a little bit more of that, but it just feels like this is kind of important guys. This is a big deal. Gareth, are you comfortable with leaning into the seven and that's it? We never discuss it again. That's it. That's what we're gonna get.

Like Katie said, it's the presidential election. Half the people don't vote. This is the system. This is what the founding fathers of this podcast wanted when they came up with it. We have to accept it. Jake, are you also willing to accept it? 100%.

I would be happy if only one did. It is what it is. I just don't want somebody to come up with an excuse and say, if the other seven did, I would have. No, we all have decided before we got to the answers, we live and die by the seven. Everyone's in agreement. Yes. Yes.

That attack turned the page. All right, so some people gave commentary and some people just gave straight numbers. So you're gonna see a difference on some of the slides. Okay. Great. Thank you for doing this. Oh, shit. Okay, wow.

Of anonymous one, Jack, two. Alex, eight. Okay. Feels like bingo. Next one. Yeah. This one gave a whole...

Oh my God. Oh my God. Yes, a lot of comments. Anonymous two. Your most verbose coworker. Are those decimal points? I think it's part of the biblical passages. They didn't give an overall score.

They just gave all of the rankings on all the categories we asked about and I averaged them together. I'll run through them. I mean, I'll run through them quickly, but we can definitely post on the socials the full breakdown. I feel like they might have done it in reverse. No, I checked it. Oh, okay.

They did. They did actually do it in reverse. I used their commentary to fix it I reversed it back and we're you weren't here now Well, I am totally lost but let's go through it. Jack was given. It's shocking Jack was given an 11 for scoring a 14 for defense 13 for court vision slow down as a teammate Scoring Jack and I need you to hear this. While he does score some goals, the little dance he does after cherry picking a little,

tap it like he did something impressive, lowers his score. Okay, so you were dinged for your little dance. 14 defense. Katie, you wanna read this one, Katie? It's sweet, you think I can read from that far away. 14 defense, Jack does not play defense. Katie, you want to read this one, Katie? That's sweet. You think I can read from that far away. 14 defense. Jack does not play defense.

Now spelled with an S and then a C is interesting. Jack does not play defense except under duress, hence not a zero. Okay. Katie, keep going. You're on fire. 13 court vision. He only has eyes for other players. What is that?

Sexual. Interesting. I think that's exactly right. Ten, teaming. He's quick to tell you how great a job you did on a play, especially if it involved him in some way. Wow. Interesting. Eight, ability to affect the game

in a positive or negative way. Nine, passing. His passes are solid when he makes them. Interesting. Mm-hmm. Eight and a half IQ, just like his IQ. That's a frame. Oh, you're getting dinged, King.

And then seven, endurance. His endurance is decent, but for someone who never has sleeves on his shirt, Pat McAfee, I figured he'd be faster. Okay, so Jack, really fast, who's the one saying this? So I've worked a couple jobs at our place of employment, and there's no way this isn't my first boss.

We banter a lot when we're playing. Okay, but now let's hear what he said about Alex. Katie? Oh, me again. Okay. Four scoring. Alex is there when you need him. Solid player and is also quick to set up assists.

Great. Three defense. Alex hustles back to play defense as needed. Great. Two court vision. Alex sees all. Great. Two court vision, Alex sees all. Great. One teammate.

If I had to sum Alex up in two words, quiet leader. Quiet leader. Hold on. Hold on. Alex. Wow. You got quiet leader, my glue king. Quiet leader is massive, Alex. I'm really blushing right now.

You fucking should be. Katie, you mind keep going? Let's keep going. One, ability to affect the game in a positive or negative way. His attendance is required for it to be a good game. Wow. Glue guy!

This is beyond glue. Truly. Two, passing. His passes are solid and get to your stick like a laser. Laser caps. Emphasized. One IQ just like his IQ. All right. I don't know. Is that the same? I should have left it. There was an edit there. It was actually 180. I don't know if that's better. That is better. 180 is way better. That felt like maybe-

Why does this guy know your IQ? Yeah. So this guy loves you, Alex. Loves you. This is your wife, I think, did this? Yes. And then lastly, five, endurance. His endurance is decent,

but he will push past his human limits and tap into something primal. It's pretty amazing to see. This one is from Alex. This has to be Alex. This is Alex Burner. We need to know for real, Alex, I know exactly who wrote this.

I did not write this, but I do know who did. Swear to God, swear on everything holy to you, you didn't write this. I swear to God, I didn't write it. And you can check with Jesse. neither of them are this person? Okay, let's go on all right. I Like this person Interesting Jack and this one is an eight

Alex is a six Wow, this is crazy, huh next one. Oh Jack Alex is a six. Wow, this is crazy. Next one. Jack is a seven. Alex is a 10. That hurt me. This is tightening up. That hurt me. This is wild. Okay, next one.

Jack is a four. Alex is a nine. Shit. Gareth, you wanna do this one? Sure, this one? Sure. This is anonymous six. We've got for Jack, great scorer and smart, touches around net. First, you gotta give the score.

Well, I thought I'd cap it off. Oh, cap it off, cap it off. Play your game. Does not play defense, cherry picks. That's something we're hearing a lot of. It has a solid hockey IQ and skill, plays the offensive half of the court well and solid face-offs gets the trash talking going overall six. Alex, game has improved remarkably this past year.

Passing is better, vision is stronger, and endurance is more solid. Does not maintain possession as strongly under pressure and still needs to work on shot accuracy. Very positive team member. During this, it reoccurred to me how funny what is actually happening right now. Not what you want to get as a glue guy. It just it just reoccurred. What the fuck we're actually doing right now. Anyway, Alex overall, Alex's overall is an eight. So Jack six, Alex eight. an eight. So Jack, six, Alex, eight.

This is so tight. Katie, you want to do this one? Yeah, anonymous7 says with a little caveat, these are both above average players in our league. It's close. Jack focuses on offense and sometimes leaves the goalie exposed when he doesn't have a defensive-minded teammate. But his play in front of the opponent's goal

gives him the slight edge overall. He ranks him a five. Alex is the more well-rounded player contributing on both offense and defense, getting a rank of a seven. Is that all of them? That's all of them, and I have one tallying slide of them. Please.

So hold on, guys. This is for all the fucking marbles. The results. Wow. Jack and Alex are within three points, and Jack was not a one or a two. Wow. Therefore, Jack will apologize to Alex for offering lessons in front of the

team. Total averages. Jack, you are a 5.99, rounded up to 6. Alex claimed that he was a six. And that Jack was a five. Jack claimed that he was a two and Alex was an eight. Alex, you have won. Jackie boy, you have lost. Starting with the loser of UFC, they do not interview the guy who just got knocked out You have lost, starting with the loser of UFC. They do not interview the guy who just got knocked out because of concussions, but we

are going to you, Jack. May I do my catchphrase announcement? Let's get ready to humble. Nearly perfect, G-Man. Jack, the microphone's yours. This is not your apology. That goes to the team. Alex, we ask you to film it.

Jack, this is just your postgame. This is, the mic's on you. What's going on? Yeah, I humbly accept defeat. You know, I think that when I gave my analysis of Alex, I said he did everything right. You just need to improve his shooting and his scoring as passing. Uh, and I think that that was reflected in the responses.

Um, I'm going to tape a five next to my, my door and, you know, hit it every day. Uh, 5.99 King. Oh, yep. My bad. I'm going to take a six next to my door and slap it on my way out the door every day. And and we'll do nothing but do nothing but hit the gym, hit the, you know, hit the court and get back to it. You feel a little bit embarrassed about passing.

Yeah. Do you feel a little embarrassed about it? No more dancing either. About lessons, though? No, no, I think, you know. It's a six to a seven. It's a six to a seven. Yeah, no. I'm shocked by the passing remarks because I don't hold onto the ball very much.

I either get the ball and pass or get the ball and shoot. I'm not good at controlling the ball for long. Yeah, I'm just. Katie, your thoughts really fast? I just thought it was nice to hear humility for what I believe may be the first time. Ever. I'm really not very good at that. So in closing, Jack, your final statements? I am happy I get to play floor hockey with my friend Alex every Wednesday What a beautiful ending and now? Alex the quiet leader

the polite alpha the seven to Jack six Are you feeling big dog? You know, I'm feeling pretty good. I thought I'd feel better weirdly you know, big dog? You know, I'm feeling pretty good. I thought I'd feel better, weirdly. You know, it's, you know, I'm thinking about it and our last and I told Jack this after our last game, we actually we ended up on the same team this last game. And I think our skills really complement each other.

In that, like when we're on the same team, I feel like we're pretty unstoppable. Because we kind of have the court vision and the defense that's needed on one side, and Jack can kind of do what he wants to do around the goal. And so I, you know, I feel like, you know, Jack does deserve some credit here. You know what this sounds to me, Alex?

Like you're a quarterback and Jack's the wide receiver. And you understand that wide receivers are crazy. Do you also know you're putting up good numbers with Antonio Brown? Oh Jesus Christ. Oh, Antonio Brown, oh man. What a squad you formed. But you know, you're like, in his prime,

number 84 could do some shit with the ball. Sure, sure. A lot of other options. I know, I know. A lot of other options. I hear you in a lot of ways. But number 84 could do some shit with the ball. What's wrong with that?

You don't even need to be on the field to do some shit. And so I understand where you're coming from, Alex. That is the answer of a quiet leader. Jack, do you mind the next game just standing in front of the team really quickly? Alex, do you mind filming it and sending it to us? Absolutely. And guys, I got to say, both of you I view as winners.

And I would love to see the two of you guys together as well as I'm did I did a pickleball movie that's gonna be coming out and Maybe there's gonna be a press thing where I bring I try to get you two guys out together Now I just feel like I'm part of the press tour these boys can do let's see what these boys can do If you put these two boys together, they might win the goddamn thing we I will say we For a little bit more context. We work at a college and What college we what state you know, it's it's uh, let's keep the anatomy Not English teachers, right?

It isn't, no. It's in Maryland, it's in Maryland. Okay, I gotcha. And I will say, we played pickleball last night against two girls that are on the varsity soccer team here and we crushed them. It was a big moment, Josh. Well, guys, just when you made fans out of everybody,

you made it a little weird, I'll be totally honest with you. I wasn't gonna say it a little weird. I'll be totally honest with you. I wasn't going to say it, Alex did. I'll also be in Baltimore this weekend if you would like to come. That's my premiere. Oh, you're going to be in Maryland? Yeah. Where in Maryland? Bring the whole team. Yeah, bring the whole team. Whatever. Who cares?

Come do a type five. You can do a guest spot. Do me a favor. play floor hockey during the show Message Natalie if you guys are interested in coming but Yeah, I don't know. How do we put a fine point on this? I'll tell you what Katie. Do you have any? You've been on a journey with us. Yes. This is now the end. We're laying around all smoking cigarettes in the bed your thoughts I'll smoke and cigarettes in the bed. Your thoughts. Look, I think this worked out as perfectly as it could have. I think we went on a journey. We gathered numbers.

I'm still holding onto a bit of disappointment for the rest of the league that they couldn't participate in a popular podcast asking for their opinion about something, but I'll let that go. I'll talk to my therapist about that. I think, I love that when it all came down to it, Jack was slightly humbled, which I think I felt he needed. And, and Alex even came back from that humbling to say like, Hey, chin up,

Jack, you're a great teammate, which is exactly what you want from your glue guy. So I feel like this is just gonna make them more successful on the court and closer as friends, which is all you can want at the end of the day. And then in terms of the press tour, will you tell us about your podcast a little bit? Oh yeah, it's called Casuals.

It's for people who think they don't like sports, but I contend it's just that nobody talks about it in a way that would interest them. So it's to help people. So this has been a perfect setup for us. It's absolutely perfect. And it's been a blast and a joy to be here. We're here to help audience members who don't think you like sports, but you've loved this. Check out Casuals.

You're going to love it. Yes. You might. You might. You definitely might. Jimmy, what's your final take on all this madness? Well, I think even though it was a limited form of democracy, it did work. And I would say that both of our athletes seemed to come off pretty good, except for

the end when they talked about how they beat two women last night at the pickleball. But no, it feels like there's something to build on for both of our guys. And I'm just enjoying this, the post-coital cigarette. And it's been a real pleasure, gentlemen. And what I would like to say to you guys, Katie's a gentleman. What I would like to say to you guys in closing is Alex, you've been validated, but don't forget who you are. Don't let this change you. What makes you good is that this victory doesn't feel sweet for you.

And I'm also going to say, Jack, you've been humbled, but don't forget who you are, King. Because sometimes what makes you great is that the sword's sharp on both sides. We got to go. And don't be afraid, Jack. A hundred dollars, just run faster. Jack. I don't believe that. What?

Who told you that? Jack, don't learn too big of a lesson here because a lot of these people who wrote are your competitors. Who said I could run faster? Oh my God, he's undoing all of it. He's undoing everything that happened. So Jack, you get out there and you play your game

because guess what? Jake, we're losing sponsors. The people who wrote this are the people who fear you. And play against you. Thank you, thank you, Jake. You people who wrote this are the people who fear you. And play against you. You understand what I'm saying, Jack? I do. I do. I do.

I'm more motivated than ever today. You should be, because guess what? Anonymous 1 through 6 are afraid of you, Jack. And 7 is you. And 7 is you. Hey, gentlemen, we love you. Thank you for the call. This was excellent. And thank you, Katie. And thank you, Katie. Good luck with the rest of the season, boys.

Yeah. Let us know how the season goes. Yes, we want video of everything. Guys, please send us this video and please follow up how the season goes and how you've changed. Absolutely. Okay. All right, how you've changed. Absolutely. Okay. Thank you. Alright, thanks. God bless. Bye.

Bye. Wow. What a ride. Wow. Wow. What a ride. It's everything I hoped it would be. It really was. It was really great. It was an unpredictable ending.

I did not think that was going to be the ending. I thought Jack was going to murder him. Me too. I thought it was going to be 2 to 10. Also great producing because the first slide I was like, shit, we're in for it. This thought Jack was gonna be two to 10. Also great producing, because the first slide I was like, shit, we're in for it. This is just gonna be a lot of this.

And then it wasn't. It's perfect. Holy cow. I feel complete. I haven't been sleeping while the last few days and I didn't know what it was. And now I know it was this. I needed this.

I needed this. You're gonna sleep like a baby. Like a baby. I'm gonna sleep for two days. No doubt. We all are. Amazing. I a baby. I'm asleep for two days. No doubt. We all are. Amazing.

I feel complete. Well, this is great. Katie, thank you. Katie, thank you so much. Thank you for letting me come back and do this. I don't want this to be over. I know. I don't either.

We've got to find a new league. We've got to find a new league with more internal strife. And we've got to get to the bottom of it. Katie can be like the sports helper. Yeah. By the way, great. Anytime. Yes.

Yeah, great. I honestly like that. Anytime you get a sports question, I'm here. I like that call so much, I don't want it over. I'm here. I like that call so much, I don't want it over. I like that call so much Yeah. By the way, great. Anytime. Yes. Yeah, great. I'm in. I honestly like that- Anytime you get a sports question, I'm here. I like that call so much, I don't want it over. I know. Yeah.

But they're gone. And now we're just like weirdos hanging around. Now we're just sitting here. Yeah, but the last three people- Now the next one's gonna be like, I eat toothpaste. Why do I do that? Get in there, shit. You're a fucking weirdo. Have you ever played floor hockey?

What's your core vision like? Come on! We bring in Alex and Jack. They're gonna help you with this toothpaste issue. Alex, go first. They're quiet alphas. They lead, but you gotta use your eyes. Polite alphas.

Thank you so much, Katie. Thank you, Katie. You're the best. This is a treat, a joy, all the positive adjectives. You guys are the best. This is a treat, a joy, all the positive adjectives. You guys are the best. Likewise, and appreciate it. Cool. See you sometime.

Oh, that was fucking great. Great work, Nat, Rob. Perfect. So good. Nat, mainly. I'm not going to tell him that you guys said that. Smart. I can't appear on camera.

It's wrong. I'd like to formally apologize for the inconvenience. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. it on camera. It's wrong. I'd like to formally apologize to Alex for having such an ego that I thought I should

give, or that I should offer you four hockey lessons. It will never happen again. Thanks, Jack. We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question at HelpfulPod at gmail.com. And if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here to Help, you can go to our Patreon at patreon.com slash here to help pod to see our entire catalog. We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grimm Productions,

executive producers Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter, and Natalie Hollis, associate producer Jessie Thurston, editing, mix and master by Chris Fowler. Themed song by Oliver Raleigh, the cover artwork is by James Fostike, animations by Andrew Strilecki, and if you'd like to see Gareth do stand up on the road, go to garethrentholds.com.

Remember all of the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions. All video episodes of season one are available now on Patreon, and season two video episodes will be available every Monday, starting January 20th. Go to patreon.com forward slash here to help pod.

Hi, I'm Jessi Klein. And I'm Liz Feldman. And we're the hosts of a new Headgum podcast called Here to Make Friends. Liz and I met in the writers room on a little hit TV show called Dead to Me, which is a show about murder. But more importantly, it's also about two women becoming very good friends in their 40s. Which can really happen. And it has happened to us. It's true. Because life has imitated ours. And then it imitated life. Time is a flat circle. And now. We're making a podcast that's about making friends.

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