We're Here to Help - 169: A Horse in a Dog's Body & So Much Utah (with Chloe Fineman)

Episode Date: May 7, 2025

Jake and Gareth are joined by SNL's Chloe Fineman for this bonus episode. First, they help a caller stop a mysterious nighttime yard-pooper. Later, they brainstorm how to discourage a caller's sister from doing PDA in the Living Room.Watch Chloe Fineman in Summer of 69 premiering May 9 on Hulu!Want to call in? Email your question to [e-mail]: https://patreon.com/heretohelppodMERCH: heretohelppod.comINSTAGRAM: @HereToHelpPodIf you’re enjoying the show, make sure to rate We’re Here to Help 5-Stars on Apple Podcasts.Advertise on We’re Here to Help via Gumball.fm See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Mcrispy strips are now at McDonald's. Tender, juicy, and its own sauce. Would you look at that? Well, you can't see it, but trust me, it looks delicious. New Mcrispy strips, now at McDonald's. Ba-da-ba-ba-ba. Calling all ones and twos. We're conducting an audience survey at gumgum.fm

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to support the podcast. Take you two minutes, and you'll be helping us out so much by doing it. So go to gumgum.fm slash here to help to fill out our audience survey. That's gum.fm slash here to help. And we are back! I was just doing some ASMR for Gareth and he was going nuts. Well first of all, wrong. But second of all, Gareth was loving it. Yeah, so your ASMR is not like enticing, it's hostage-y.

I'm gonna do things to you and you're gonna be afraid of me. Do you understand? I'm gonna eat Cheetos on your bed. Yeah, see you're conflating. Cheeto sauce. Your Cheeto sauce, it's a powder. But you're conflating. Not if you're in jail,

because you also put clothes in there. Doesn't make any sense. By the way. And you're trying to make like weird burritos. I just saw your chat message. You wanna read what we were doing? So you're, basically your messages weren't in this order. I can hear myself and I hear you,

and then I started saying, we need our parents here. That would be Nat Attack. Which by the way, I hate that you say that. Nat Attack, Rob. Before we get into this, let's talk about this. Come on. I mean it seriously. I know, but you mean it seriously,

because you said when it just us two. You said we don't need parents, and then you said we're nearly 50. Now you can get into your outrage. Because I'm outraged, because you said when it just us two. You said we don't need parents, and then you said we're nearly 50. Now you can get into your outrage. Because I'm outraged, Garrett. Why? What is your thing with needing parents? We're so old.

Where are the parents? First of all, you're a parent. So are you. I've made a very, what are you talking about? The cat! I'm a cat dad, but that's different. That's like, that's different. That's like, that's a cutie's like, that's a, that's a cutie move.

You're like a hardcore parent. You're raising, you're raising two actual human beings. And I mean, I mean, technical parents. We need technical parents. Oh, that's, that's a different thing. But why call it parents? You're the guy who muted your mic. And for 20 minutes, we couldn't figure out what it was.

No, let me finish. Cause you got hot right away. You got hotter than you on the mic. We spent 20 minutes trying to figure out what the problem was and you had just on the mic hit the mute button. Yeah, so we don't need parents, we need producers. You need parents. I need producers.

You need parents. But why do you go, of all things to go to, why parents? Because I feel childish when we're sitting here in a world of tech going like, ugh. Who do you think's better, your parents? Could you imagine Pam trying to figure this out? Oh, Pam exists. Could you imagine Pam?

Pam exists so that I feel like Steve Jobs. It is a constant. Don't you say one bad thing about the woman of my dreams. Can I tell you something I'm doing that I wasn't gonna tell you? No, no, no. Don't tell me anything you're doing. Yeah, I don't want to know. Okay.

Yeah, take it to the grave, dude. Because I know exactly where it was going. I'll take it somewhere. It ain't gonna be the grave. Do you think, do you understand, I could very easily do this about your mom. Oh, Jake, I'm gonna give it to your mom. Oh, yeah. I would be happy for both of you. You guys would make a lovely couple.

Well, she smokes a cool. She hasn't smoked coals. She did. She didn't. What did she smoke? Weird pole, coals. Did she smoke? Of all the cigarettes, yeah.

Of all the cigarettes, coals. Did you steal her cigarettes growing up? No, I stole my dad's. Did you steal Pam's? I stole, eventually I stole Pam's. And then honestly, this is how weird my life got. Pam stole mine. She stole yours?

Yeah, when I was like... Was Pam kind of the party mom? Well, it's a long story, but I sort of, because of what happened with my parents and that sent her into a bit of her own little spiral. Mom and dad split, you were 12. I was 14 and I just, I was on the ramp. what happened with my parents and that sent her into a bit of her own little spiral. Mom and dad split, you were 12. I was 14 and I just, I was on the rampage.

Late in the game for a split by the way. I was on the rampage early. I was- Before 14. Yeah, in England- So you know when they say it's not your fault, it was a bit of your fault. It was totally my fault. I take full responsibility. Do you honestly, what percentage

do you really think it was your fault? None. That's, see you've gone to too much therapy and you you've been loved too much. You know not all my shout out Alma Hold on shout out on my shout out sock talk by the way When parents say it's not the kids fault at all their sugar coating. It's a little bit. They're falling a complicated You especially my parents divorced guess how old I was Yeah, you especially my parents divorced guess how old I was Eight two and a half. It only took two and a half. That's the best for my dad I do it. No for the my dad. That's the way to do it. Can't do it with this one

That's the way to do it. I can do it with the first two not with him. That's the way to do it See you blame yourself too much. Yeah, you're the opposite. You know, I'm a real a Slice of the pies. Let's say there's a hundred slices What percentage do you think it's your pie's a hundred slices what percentage do you think it's your pie has a hundred slices to it a bit stop it's a key if anything go ahead slice of the quiche okay all right fine we'll say ten slices of pizza okay well done okay yeah how many slices are your are you I want a serious answer you want anything was only, I said you were partying so hard that was post that was before well

There was a day my parents my parents had a real weird separation Which was seven to fourteen so they sat me down. Yes, they sat me down at seven by the way keep in mind This is who is out there dishing advice to people who are asking. And that's, yeah, me. At seven, my- Karen, people don't trust us. Yes, they should not. At seven, they sat me down and they were like, we're getting separated.

And I was like, divorced. And they were like, no, no, no. Like they had definitely worked out a sort of severance. But did they know, did they know it was gonna be a divorce at that time or were they still figuring it out? They must've. You know how it is when you're like in the weeds with that sort of shit And you're like trying to find yeah, it's like you're so so I and then it was seven years of extreme confusion and complication

Where I had no fucking clue what was going on by the way was horrible and so that And and turn with little Gareth wanting mommy and daddy to get back together is a sad Disney movie. And he was like, he had an apartment, he was staying at our house. I was like, and nobody ever sat me down for the recalibrate. Nobody was ever like, hey. By the way, you make more sense to me now. I mean it seriously, that's not even a dig.

I bet, I bet. That's not even a dig. Because guess what, you got to be when dad's home. The best version of Gareth. Oh, it was. And Gareth, by the way, you're lying about what he's happy. The joy I would feel when they were together. Yeah, and when they were happy.

And then when they were bad, I was like, uh. My dad had an apartment where he, a duplex where he shared it with two, a set of twins, Ellen and Eileen. Is your dad Connor? Yeah, huh? No, no, he was above. But I remember I went there, he was like,

I want you to start spending some more time at my place. And it was literally like, he was like the 80s cop who was like, I work on my gut instincts. We had similar stuff. My dad, when he moved out, I chose my dad over my mom and I said like, I'll be going with him. I chose mom over dad. You did? Yeah. And I I chose my dad over my mom and I said like I chose mom over dad You did? Yeah

And I went to my dad's place and there was three Budweiser's some mustard and a stack of Playboys and that was it in The house and there was a photo of a woman behind playing the saxophone behind like 80s blinds You could like make the curvature of her body and I went like To mom's I was three No, Megu still estoo the curvature of her body and I went like, I think if I go back to moms, I was three. No me gusto esto. You got to think how amazing it is because he was probably like in his head he was like, finally a bachelor pad and then it just kind of resulted to like three, three porn mags. By the way, that's all he wanted. That's all you needed back then.

But that you do make a little bit more sense to me, but now we gotta go back, Gareth, because you're lying about one thing, we both know it. What? And I just want the truth, and so does the audience, and they demand it and they deserve it. They haven't, they don't even know what you're about to say.

Yeah, but also, man, how many of these have we done? Like a thousand? 1800. And we have the same amount of listeners with growth, but our base is with us Yeah, they've listened to a hundred and fucking 70 ish episodes of us blabbing and you're gonna lie to him right now Why don't you get specific in your accusation? Why don't you get specific in your accusation? And they're currently in the house This is already so we're gonna make him go. I didn't make him go

What how many slices makes it your one piece one piece? And if we had a slicer I'd cut that piece in half you don't think that's true I do what what are you gonna say I was lying to the audience about we were gonna make this whole intro about Chloe This whole point is it shows Chloe. And then you start out to all-mighting me. Chloe Feynman from SNL, from her new movie, Summer of 69, coming out on Hulu. She also did the movie with me, Dink. I am a massive fan. Oh, I didn't know she was in Dink. Yeah, she plays my ex. She's so funny. Ah, great. She is so funny on SNL She does and I know you know when somebody does such good in personations

They get bored of just being known as that but she's so good at that She is so good and I got to talk into her when we got to know each other She didn't even know that was her skill set Really? Yes in her 20s dude She's an actor who all of a sudden started doing voices, and people are like, you're very good at this. Wow, that's awesome. So funny.

Her movie is directed, and we're going to do a re-release of Jillian Bells. Yep. Because we are huge fans, and she directed the movie. I read the script of it. It's so funny. It just went to South by Southwest, and it crushed. It's coming out on Hulu. Everybody should check it out.

Both those women are absolutely jealous. A real self-reliance path, dare we say. Yes, exactly right. Yeah, all right, that's awesome. Well, we will have Jillian back on, but yeah, we will be getting the best of where she crushes, but. Exactly right, and so Chloe's coming on today.

We're recording with her later. So we can not talk about the specifics of that because we don't know. We can pretend. You're right. I guarantee she's gonna be funny. She was great the way she advised that woman who was 38. How many slices do you really think is your fault?

I am talking about, I'm talking, here's what I am. You know the Domino's thinin Crust back in the day? Yes, the little cubes. They sliced it in squares? Yeah. Yeah, the cubes. Remember the corner triangle piece? Yeah.

Bam, one of those. Your new nickname is corner slice. I loved them, so I'm fine with that. I loved them. Loved them. I didn't like it, I loved it. Loved it. The corner piece. By the way, when I got to college, you know what I loved, by the way? Because I loved Dom. Loved them. I didn't like it, I loved it. Loved it. By the way, when I got to college,

you know what I loved, by the way? Because I loved Domino's. Yeah, same, I was Domino's. Papa John's. With the weird dipping sauces. See, that's where we separate again. To me, I'm like, pizza's good. I don't need to just soak it.

I'll soak anything. All right, we gotta go. In Pam. All right, we gotta go. In Pam. All right, we gotta go for real. We had to go 10 seconds ago for sure. So anyway, without further ado. You're more than just a corner slice. Stop it.

No, I'm not, I'm a quarter slice. Love you, but it's just truth. Love you, a corner slice. This podcast is sponsored by The Crisp crisp the refreshing angry orchard Now Jake, you don't sound angry when you talk about it because why would you be listen guys? There's a litany of things that we shouldn't get angry about but let's be honest Sometimes it's hard not to be I get angry at stuff, Gareth. Such as, Mr. Johnson? Your perm.

Stop. I'm soaking wet. Stop. Not today, by the way. By the way, you're angry at the perm. I told you you're going to see my movie and you know it's going to be the perm. It was a ridiculous face. It's not even a perm.

I don't know what's happening. I get angry at your love of the Packers. I get angry at your delusion over the Bears. I get angry at the draft in Green Bay where you just looked around and my mother who lived in Manitoba I'm like, oh look at this city and people like and it's like go back I was like I'm feeling they had a great draft Listen, don't get angry about all the things that we talked about except for Jake's kind of Obsessive relationship with the Bears that they've never fulfilled him for

I was alive for. It's one time. Instead, get an angry orchard and feel good. Feel chill and refreshed, not getting pissed off, but have a tasty, angry orchard. Okay, angry orchard is the number one hard cider in the country, has a bright, crisp apple flavor. I just had one the other day, Jake.

It's just like biting into a fresh apple, something we all wanna do. So grab an angry orchard cider today. Don't get angry, get orchard, and please drink responsibly. This episode of We're Here to Help is brought to you by the one and only Squarespace. Oh, Squarespace, Jake.

We love Squarespace. You guys wanna see how Squarespace works? Go to garethrentolds.com. Gareth, is it a Squarespace, Jake. We love Squarespace. You guys want to see how Squarespace works? Go to garethrentles.com. Gareth, is it a Squarespace website? Jake, let me answer that question with one word. Absolutely. And what do you like about it? When you built your website where people can come see you on the road, what works about

Squarespace's website? Garethrentles.com. Squarespace not only makes the site look professional, the design is great, it's not that hard. You just are able to scale your business, it gives you everything you need. It's the best. It helps you, and now they just keep getting better and better. Well, they got cutting edge design, they got CO tools.

That's big too. Do you know what that means? Of course I do. What does it mean? Don't push me. Every website is optimized to be indexed with meta descriptions and an auto-generated sitemap is what it means. And more, Gareth.

The domains, they make it easy to find the best domain. There are videos. It makes it easy to showcase your expertise. Check out squarespace.com slash here to help for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch use offer code here to help to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Gilly, take us out. Well, Jake, it's been a while. It's been a long while. Thank you so much. Hello. It's been a while. It's been a long while. Thank you so much. Hello Hey, how's it going? Good. How's it going with you?

Pretty good. Man, your voice sounds very familiar. Is this a first call? Yeah, first call. Man, you sound a lot like we did a call with Max Greenfield about a twin brother who had a He wanted to know if he and his brother's dicks were different with circumcision? Circumcision issues. It could be the other brother. Does he sound, does he sound circumcised or uncircumcised by his voice? This guy circumcised. Good question. This guy.

Can we get your first name, please? Yeah, Zach. Zach, and where are you calling from Zach? Beautiful sunny Indianapolis. I love it man. Never heard it described like that. Do you get excited when the combine comes to town? Yeah. I think it's cool. You sound pumped up. So you got Gareth and I but then you got a special guest. You know her from Saturday Night Live. I know her from The Dink, and we're all gonna know her from Summer of 69, where she stars in a movie coming out on Hulu May 7th.

Nine. May 9th. Chloe Heardman joins the show. You got a winner on this one. We worked together this summer. She is the greatest. So Zach, from Indianapolis, how old are you? 25.

25. Chloe, any question you want to ask Zach just about who he is, what he's about, just to get us started, get a sense of him before we get into his problem? Are you single? Good question. No, I have a girlfriend. Ooh. How long have you guys been together? get a sense of him before we get into his problem. Are you single? Hmm. Good question. No, I have a girlfriend. Ooh, how long have you guys been together?

Ooh, uh, two, almost three years? Such a man. You should totally. Such a man. Two, almost three years. My boyfriend and I was like, and our anniversary is November 15th, we've been together seven years, and he's like, shut up, it's been almost three years. My boyfriend and I was like, and our anniversary is November 15th. We've been together seven years.

And he's like, shut up. It's been two. You add here. That's great. Yeah. So Zach, what's the problemo, sir? So my girlfriend and I actually just closed our first house. Pretty excited.

Congrats. And thank you. Yeah, 25. Hold on, house. Pretty excited. Congrats. And thank you. Yeah, 25. Hold on, Chloe, go ahead. At 25 years old? That's crazy. Yeah. What do you do?

One of the pros to living in Indiana. I was gonna say. I worked in New York. I know, I was gonna say. It's great. It's the trade-off. Yeah. So, all right, so you guys just you just closed on a place and you're raw

Dogging it in the sense that you're not married Yeah, yeah Immediate yeah, yeah. Yeah, by the way, that's the whole choice though. Are you buying it? So 50-50? Not in terms of what you're spending, but what the paperwork says. In the paperwork, it's fully in my name. Attaboy. Okay. It's different.

But we've been together for a while. We're competent. So, yeah, but hold on. Zach. So you're buying a house and letting your girlfriend crash there. Yeah, you didn't buy a house together. You didn't buy a house together. You bought a house and told her that, by the way. You bought a house. She's cosplaying as a homeowner yes got it yeah I haven't phrased it like that but yeah I'll phrase I'll try to cause play okay so you're

you're buying a house don't say that of two to three years keep going Chloe's drinking three drinks. Yeah. Yeah. We got a got a fenced in backyard with our house because we just got a puppy recently. You're really doing it. We're not. Yeah, we're not moving into the house for a few weeks because we are least with our apartment isn't up. There's some work we got to get done on the house first. We put in some doorbells with cameras on them and that's when we noticed somebody, a girl, is coming over to our house

every day and just kind of letting her dog off leash run around like it's a private dog park, which I don't have much of an issue with. We're not living there yet. The issue is that the dog, a lot bigger than our dog, taking these massive dumps in the yard and she doesn't pick up after it. What? That's crazy. But I understand, it is a disgusting thing to have to do. Yeah.

No, hold on. Oh no. Yeah. No, she's right from that woman. Until very recently, if my dog pooed, I'd kind of go like this and then pretend. Until I got caught. The phantom.

Don't say it. Don't even fake the crap. You go like. Phantom grabber. We see him. We know you're out there. Do you have the prop bag? Me?

Yeah. I just got bags regularly, I'd say in the last three months. Ew. You could always go in Ivy, so it was like, come on, I'm walking into that. Ivy's shitting for a dog is bald. Yeah. Yeah.

But I got really good at like, whoop, and then kind of like... Because it's so gross. I got really good at like whoop and then kind of like You went to clown school if a real in Paris, correct So and walk into the garbage can. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Mind, brain. So Zach, this is a legit problem, my friend. So you are moving into a house. You've got a lady. You've seen her on camera. Can you describe her age vibe?

It just matters in terms of what we're dealing with. Yeah. So she's a bit far away from the camera in the videos I've seen. Initially, I thought her age was maybe You know young 20s After some recent videos a little closer I'm starting to think maybe either like high high school age or low college age Could be yeah a little younger. Okay. I understand my first thought unless there's something more Zach that we need to know about this

No, well I guess Their detail that would be important to include is kind of a kind of a tight-knit community So I don't want and I don't know where which your neighbors live yet I assume this girl lives somewhere around but but I don't know exactly where. I understand what you're saying. And I don't want to piss off the neighbors. Anger the neighborhood before knowing anybody. Yeah, because you wanna move in there.

You're looking to most likely have kids with your girlfriend soon to be wife. You already got the puppy, you already bought a house. You're moving fast, Zach. You're moving too fast. I feel like that's a bigger problem here. Take it easy, that's not what this call's about. It's also not the premise of the show, Chloe.

Just passed it up. How old is she? She's also 24? We're not talking about this stuff. That's not what we're talking about. They haven't even entered their Saturn return. That's not what we're talking about. Have you guys talked about... When do you guys enter Saturn return, Zach? It's 27 to 30. I'm not familiar with Saturn return. Neither am I, Zach, because that's's all we're talking about. When do you guys enter Saturn return back? 20 it's 27 to 30. I'm not familiar with Saturn return. I don't know my Zach cuz that's what we're talking about

We're talking about a lady who makes a big dog and shits in your yard Question for you about the dogs What kind of puppy do you have and what kind of dog is shit in your yard? Yeah So we have a in your yard. Yeah. So we have a- Did you just say yeah after that? Yeah, I did.

No, you're not allowed to say yeah because your question was a statement. You go like this, first of all, you shouldn't get married because you're too young. How old is she? I go, we're not talking about that. How old is your dog? You go, yeah, totally.

No way, dude. Yeah, that's right. Yeah. Also, you guys shouldn't be married. No, I'm saying it's like, just give it a second. Jesus. It's a new set of problems. I think I'm just jealous, because I'm, yeah, I'm just jealous.

And then I'm not going to make this about myself. It's really beautiful that you guys have each other and a dog. There you go. Yeah. Hey, big dog, I think you're tired. I think the flame got you, but remember, before you start talking about how happy you are for him and her and how beautiful she is, let's just remember the premise of this one. We got a dog in the backyard.

And what kind of dog is in the backyard? There we go. So the dog in the backyard, I don't know exactly what breed it is. Looks like some kind of large doodle. Like a black and white large doodle. Gross to the dog brand. Chloe, your thoughts on that? I know what those poos are and they're huge like a horse. A doodle is like a horse in a dog's body.

God, that's horrible. Okay, and what kind of puppy do you have? We have a Shiba Inu. I have a Shiba Inu! Whoa. Here's the first piece of advice. We have a Shiba Inu. I have a Shiba Inu! Whoa! Here's the first piece of advice, don't grow Ivy. No, but you should. They're very, um, oh, oh, this is really interesting now.

Because you connect to it because you have the same dog. That's awesome. Oh my god, you have a Shiba puppy? That's so cute. Oh, wait. He's adorable. Did you God, you have a Sheba puppy? That's so cute. Oh, wait. He's adorable, we love him. Did you get him in Indianapolis? Cause there's a breeder there.

Up north Indiana near Michigan. Yeah, they have a lot of breeders there. Not that you should breed dogs. Yeah. You're revealing yourself. They have a breeder there that you can get it to rescue after you buy from the breeder. After you rescue from.

Go to Indianapolis, get it from the breeder, and then donate to a shelter there. Yeah. 100%. I'm trying to think of how to do this. What is happening, Chloe? I'm trying to think. What? I got really involved with the shiba.

Oh my God. It's a puppy? Oh, they're so cute. Okay. This is unfair that this doodle is ruining the poor Shiba puppy's yard. There we go. So, Chloe, what's your first pitch? I'm trying to think of a way to like torment the doodle that's like semi-humane. No, don't worry about humane.

We're just pitching right now. So you're looking to make the backyard unpleasant for the dog? Yeah. So the idea is how do we... So you're looking to make the backyard unpleasant for the dog? Yeah. So the idea is how do we, so the first pitch, which I'm liking where you're going is ruin the experience of pooping, of pooing for the doodle. But how do you do that? That doesn't ruin it for like one. Go ahead, Chloe.

I've like a horn. Like if you could like a fart machine or something or like a machine that emits a loud alarming sound. How would that work? I don't hate the idea. Yeah, I feel like OK, there's sensors. Like you can get like an like a sensor machine. I think you could just get this on Amazon. Almost like a Halloween decoration.

Because my dog, Peach, you have dogs, Jake, right? Two, right? I remember. Yeah, and I remember you told me your dog bites. He does. Get ready for that, by the way, sheba owner. Just to give you so much hope for your future. Anyway.

But like, you know the circling that a dog has to do to decide? I mean that could... The Roomba. Yeah, the Roomba. And if anything startles a dog in their Roomba, game over. Interesting. Yeah. Ooh, that's a great idea.

Zach, is there a schedule to when, because we all walk our animals on a schedule, is there a schedule to when, can you see on your camera when the dog is there and do you have a live feed? We do have a live feed now. We just got wi-fi connected to the house recently. This is interesting. And it seems to be sometimes like post work into early evening around dinner time in that range. What kind of window are you talking about? Like 5 p.m. to eight at the latest. Oh, three, okay.

Oh, here's another idea. Cause I definitely like where Chloe's going with the sensor, we're just to call it the fart machine. But that's also an air horn. It's just whenever that dog is getting into that squat, you just go, brr. The dog just jumps and has to start over. And she goes, go ahead, Chloe.

What were you going to say? The butthole is like. Yeah. I don't think we needed to say that. I lost my filter this morning. So yeah. Please. So the idea that Chloe wants to do is when the butthole is opening to just scare it back

closed. Yeah. Now I'm going to pitch something a little bit different, Zach, and it's going to take a little creativity on your. But I think the one is a good fix. The only problem with the fart machine is you got to figure out, you got to be there. But it's not a bad idea, but you got to be there. Let's go to how farmers have dealt with issues like this from the beginning of time. And I'm going to call it the scarecrow. Crab crow. Crab crow. Create something in the yard that scares the doodle.

that scares the doodle. Yeah. I'm with you. Right? So this is just a seed, Zach, but it's, the dog goes back there, it's a little dusky, it's not quite dark, but what can we do? Is it, you put some sort of a statue of an animal back there

and spray it with coyote piss? You see what I'm saying? I'm just hinting at some- Yeah, you're getting in the coyote piss. You see what I'm saying? I'm just hinting at some. Yeah, you're getting in the coyote piss realm. Which we all like. I'm getting into the idea of the dog goes back there and doesn't like it because one, is making it unpleasant for her.

Two, is just start spooking it. Three, another pitch. Start leaving signage for her that just puts a sign in there that goes like, you gonna pick it up lady? Yeah, I think. Or I like your red shirt, but you look better in green. Yeah, I think it should say, caught ya bitch.

And then give like an illustration of what she looks like or details. You know, or even a picture of her. Yeah, take a picture and be like, yeah, there you go. Screenshot from the video record. I worry per Zach's earlier point that we're trying to keep our reputation in the neighborhood before we get in there on the up and up.

So I signage wise, is she taking the dog? Is she taking the dog to the same spot pretty much every time Zach? The backyard that's fenced in. Is it pretty much, okay, this is what I would say. Walks in the gate and then lets it go. Okay, so this is what I would say. Let's put some signs up near the gate that say we're spraying, not spaying,

that's a different pitch. We're spraying pesticides. Yes, there's toxic chemicals now being sprayed there to kill weeds or something, and we get some sort of sign that shows it's deadly to animals. But here's what I want to amend to that because that's a very smart pitch and that'll work. But I'm a little bit annoyed by her behavior.

I don't disagree. But I don't think this is making you look bad, Zach. I don't think you should do the caught you bitch. No disrespect, Chloe. I like it. It's fine. I don't think you should do the caught you bitch. No disrespect Chloe. I like it I don't think we got it. I don't think we call her a bitch. I forgot we're in Indian app in New York You can say I think you can agree you can we might be talking about a high school kid But what I like is I like putting a little fear of God into people Zach

Yeah, and I like a sign that said I like a little fear of God into people, Zach. Yeah. And I like a sign that says, I like a little sign that says, I liked your green shirt yesterday, but you might look better in purple like you did last Thursday. Also, don't leave shit in my yard again. That's scary. So you go the fuck You know what it kind of is like. Did you ever see the show the watcher?

No, you didn't are you familiar? Oh, what is the watcher? It was like these people move into a new house Couple they have kids you you don't have kids yet But kind of similar and then there's this person who's watching them and he kept giving notes and it was like, I see you in the living room. And I think being watched is really scary and it doesn't, yeah, it's fear of God. But you can be the watcher.

But how about this as a watcher? Let's make it really creepy. Let's put a sign by the door that says like one thing and then another side so she thinks she's on a scavenger hunt and the last sign like stay out of my fucking yard bitch. Maybe not the last sign. Yeah, you just went coastal again. Well, it's because Chloe was doing the finger thing and I got excited.

Don't blame Chloe's fingers. Wait, so you can say fucking but you can't say bitch? No, you shouldn't say either. Not in Minneapolis. But Zach, what do you think about calling this pitch the Watcher and you're the Watcher? When you hear that, what's your instinct? I like it, I like it. Okay, anything else?

Tell that to your voice, Zach. Wait, also... I think it's... Okay, sorry,. Also, I think. Okay, sorry. Go on, go on. I think it's a, it's a good pitch. I feel like this opportunity was bestowed upon me by some higher power to have a little shenanigans, have a little fun with it. So I like an approach like that.

My only concern is with a small community like this, if the girl knows others in the neighborhood and starts telling them about the signs, does it go from her being the weird one to letting her dog poop in my yard to me being the weird one? It does. It does. It does.

It's what we're gonna say. What about like, as if you're getting walked in on, but it's poop, so bear with with me this is gonna make sense so because you did is the girl always bringing the dog at the same time on the camera roughly yeah so why don't just show up at that time and be like oh that's crazy this is literally my house it is like a three hour window, but that is, that's, I mean, well, if you can, if you can afford after work until dark, five to eight, basically. So if you can afford the time, I think that's great. I would, I would stake it out. I know. But I would wait.

But we're missing something fun because this is all going to dress up like Austin Powers. That makes it fun. It's like a poop prevention. Yes, because here's what's going to happen. Zach, as soon as you move into this house, it's over. Agreed. So this is a problem that will solve itself. You're calling in because you're like, is there fun to be had in the meantime? That one, solves the problem. Two, doesn't make me look like a weirdo, but three, just let this girl know,

I see what you're doing and it's weird, which takes me back to the fart machine. Or you could do something, you could do something, and I don't know, you might wanna do this with that little dog of yours, because if you're gonna let the dog go in the backyard on her own or on his own anyhow,

you might want some sort of a movement sensor that turns on lights. Oh, a light. Yeah, light. If it just lights up, that's scary. You could literally plug in, you can get online, you could get a sensor light. I got one in my backyard because when I first moved in, there was a huge owl in my backyard. I walked back there and what looked like something that was about three and a half feet tall. I walked in my backyard. It was just staring at me It was an outer body experience. Why did you want that to end? Bigger than that Three and a half is exaggerating. Yeah, whatever that is

Whatever that is Huge and it was dark and it looked like it was wearing like a cloak. And my brain couldn't put together what I was looking at. Damn. And I just walked back there and I was like, whoa! And this thing and I just stared at each other and then it did the little like owl movement and I was in a horror movement, in a horror moment.

And so then I got a light out there so if there's any moment, a bright flashlight turns on, like a floodlight. See, I would want the owl to stay. They're good luck. What did you think the owl would do? Man, at that point of the evening, Chloe and Gareth, I wasn't sure.

But whatever it was, I wasn't looking to mess with them. I wasn't positive in the darkness. Oh my gosh. What I was looking at was a human. No, they're just like. Yeah, but at the moment. At the moment. That's it.

I didn't say this is an owl for sure. Yeah. So what are you pitching? I swear on my life I had no idea what I was looking at. Okay, all right. But everything was happening fast. I went whatever. This is either a little all right. But everything was happening fast. I went, whatever. This is either a little hobbit,

this is a little human, this is an alien, stop, stop. Everything was happening fast. Stop. It did not look like an owl. It looked like a creature in the darkness. A hobbit.

And I just went like- What did you tell your wife when you decided you were gonna get extra security? You think I talk about this? You just did it secretly? You just did it, yeah. All of a sudden, two days later, there's a box. Okay.

Plug it in. Alright. So what I would consider is a floodlight that's shockingly bright. Like the floodlight, yep. I like that. You also mentioned that she's coming in through a gate, right Zach? Lock the gate. Yes, the side gate. Why don't we maybe step up gate right Zack lock the gate. Yes, I did Why don't we maybe?

Why don't we hold on hold on Jake? Oh buddy? Why don't you just Either put some signage on the gate Or why don't you put a lot of like bells on the gate that makes it look like you're setting a trap that you maybe Don't have the part B to for right now. So she notices a difference. Like something's going on, you're now, you are now escalating the chess match.

Just buy like five or six bells, attach them there, make sure it gives a good ring when you go there. And I think she might be like, what the fuck? Some homeowner is doing something and I don't know why. And maybe it moves them into a different yard. I think that's, you're doing very logical pitches, Gareth. I'm like the owl in your yard. Yeah.

I'm like a wise owl in your yard. What do you think her motive is? Like, she's kind of like, does she like to kind of sneak and like poop and not pick it up and just not be responsible? Because she's kind of doing a sneaky thing. Yeah, I think it's just what's easy. You know, you don't gotta walk them around the block

and pick up after them. Right, you just go in this yard. If you can just walk over to a yard and let them run. Exactly, I got an idea. Get an owl. This isn't nice, but I think it would be effective. I want you to go pick up one of the doodles big shits, rub it all over the handle of the fence.

And next time she does it, she opens it, she gets dog shit on her hand. It's very passive aggressive, but every time you go, and then when you move in, you just spray it down. But the first time she'll go like, ew, there's poo on this. The third time she'll go, who could she tell? What is she gonna do?

Go home and go, so I break into this guy's backyard so my dog shits in the yard, but she's the crazy person. So you're just out crazy and crazy. Because you just gotta rub a little shit on the handle. Who could she tell? They'll go, what do you mean? So the yard I break into, there's dog shit on the hand. They will go, why are you going into somebody else's yard?

Whose shit is it? My dog. She's not gonna know it's her dog's shit, but I do agree, shit on a handle. I think it's perfect karma. Because as somebody, every time I wouldn't pick up my dog's poo, I would step in it. Like not his, but it was like,

inevitably like, yeah, people who step in shit are people like me who wouldn't pick up their dog. So, Zach, here's kind of where we're at. We got a fart machine, we got a scarecrow, we've got a picture of her, which I still really like actually. You just take a photo of that and you put it out on the fence. It's intimidating, strange. That's the watcher, that's scary.

You got a sign that says, caught ya bitch. You got a sign that says caught ya bitch. You got a pesticide, just a warning of what's gonna happen. You plant the seed of mystery, so you got like a little Easter egg hunt of signs. You've got bells on the gate, or you've got shit on the handle. Zach, we've thrown you a lot of pictures, We gotta get a sense of where you're at. What are you thinking of doing? Floor's yours. I'm thinking I like Gareth's approaches

of doing something to the gate, thinking some bells. The poo gate would be effective, but I don't really want to rub her dog's poop on the handle. So maybe something that resembles poop or taking it a step further from the bells and just kind of rigging up something that looks like an elaborate contraption with a lot of bells on it. Just stuff going on on the gate and leaving that to make her question when she walks up to the gate.

Should I really open this door? I think that's smart. Would you think about putting a sign in there too afterwards if she goes on through? Because if all the lights are off in the house and those bells, I'm telling you what, if I use this as a dog part, I'm going in. I don't hate it, but I'm going in. Plan B, a I'm going ahead. Well, what plan B a sign? Go ahead.

A sign or the fart machine, something on the other side of the gate. Should she actually open it? That's what I'm talking about. Oh, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Go ahead, Gareth. Why don't we just take per Jake's pitch? Why don't you go pick up a ton of her dog's shit and where she first would walk in at the gate, put it all over there so that she, when she steps in,

steps in the lining of her dog's shit? The Car-ma-path. Or if they're all in little bags, you know, and it's like, look what you did. Because sometimes, like, you're not aware of all the crimes that you commit until you see them in front of you. Like if there's like a little pile of wraps. Can you explain that logic though, Chloe?

Like, I try. You're not aware of the crimes that come in unless you see them in front of you. Like my boyfriend takes a Benadryl every night to go to bed and he's down to half a Benadryl and I'm trying to get him off of this Benadryl. So I was trying to think of like, what if I took all these bowls and filled them with Benadryl

so we can visualize the amount of Benadryl that's going into his body? Because it's crazy. Or like, I'm gonna talk, yeah. Well, he'd be like, that's so much Benadryl, it's gonna be great. Yeah, of course. Of course. That is really great. Yeah, of course.

That is really funny. Yeah, you see the poops. So Zach, what do you think about the karma thing? You either create a path where she steps in it or you pick it up and put them all by the gate so she's got to see the crime. And hopefully step in it. I think Chloe always so loud. Those are big sips.

That was. You really hurt me. How? I don't know. I've never heard somebody sip before. It was good. I heard, gulp, gulp. And it's right in my ear. It was like, sorry. It's harder than talking. I'm getting my electric.

I got to do my, I'm on my, I finished, I cleaned this one out. Oh boy. Zach, take us out, man. What are you going to do? We've given you a few more options. Yeah. I think Chloe's onto something. I like her idea.

I'm thinking, you know, maybe bag them all up, all the poop, put it at the gate, make her really reflect on what she's doing. If she steps in it at that point, it's in bright colored bags. So that's not really my fault, but it's not like I just put all the poop there maliciously. I agree, Zach. Yeah. And you're going do the bells, too. I Mean yeah, why not do us a favor send a photo after you've belled up the door and you've got all the shit there So we can see what you're doing and then

We might need to follow. I think what's gonna happen if she doesn't ever come back again We don't need a follow-up, but if she pushes pass and does it again, we're gonna have to follow up. Oh, yeah Right. Yo, yeah All right, Zack. Thank you and make sure you send us that photo so we can see your game plan But I think this is gonna work. I think she's gonna see it and just go like I'm out But I don't think this makes you weird in the neighborhood. Yeah, I agree and you've been wronged by the by you've been wrong Please just saying like stop shit in my yard And I'm trying to prevent you without getting weird But if she keeps going then we got to go to plan B and we might have to go a little mystery

We find where she lives and you crap in her yard. I do that. Maybe Everything's on the table right now. You feel good Zack Yeah, I appreciate the advice. All right, buddy follow up with us All right, thank you. Bye buddy. You know what's funny? I, this morning, I do like a sneak also because I think I'm I'm just not quite growing up enough but like my landlord, like outside of Vards we have all this trash and she's like really into recycling and all this shit. And if I'm too tired, I'll get all my stuff.

And then I walk across the street to a restaurant and I put it in their dumpster. And I did do that this morning. So I relate to this. You're the girl. You're the girl. I was like, it's good insight. I'm too tired. Yeah. It's good insight. Coming off really great in this call. What is this room you're in?

Me? Yeah, what is happening? Talk about it. Walk her through it, Jake. What is that? You go to Dragon? What, where are we? Are you waiting? Where are we? This is my little office. Cool.

That's Hibata, fake martial art. Keep going What Jake why don't you tell her some more stuff and then walk her through the yard super quickly Why is it fake martial art? So I did a pilot years ago with Josh Greenbaum the director of the dink Yes, yes, what a what a poll I just did. Got us to the movie we made together, Chloe. Awesome, incredible. Jake.

Just answer the question, Jake. We had a lot of fun together making a movie. Jake. Jake, why are you in a goodwill? And so we made it and it was about a, it was a fake documentary, because Josh is a documentarian. Yep, famously.

What are you doing though, Chloe? What are you doing? Trying to see what the... You had me on the ropes, what are you doing now? I'm seeing what the black and white, it looks like from far, I'm sure it's appropriate, but like from my angle, I can't tell what I'm with the sketch.

This? Next, yeah. Cause it looks like a- That's a gorilla. Oh, okay, okay. That's a gorilla's face. Why? And then you have a sailor next to you.

Facing you as a sailor. Yeah, that right next to you. Cause they're cool. What is that? What is that? No, don't turn it. Who is that? What is that? No, don't turn it. Who is that? Just some guy. He's just a guy I've had since I was 17. I genuinely think Natalie's about to bail you out, Jake.

I used to put it right next to my bed and everybody I'd ever bring home would go, please get rid of that thing. And I'd go. What? It used to have a light that came off the top. Okay. But I got it when I was 17. It's traveled with me forever. would go, please get rid of that thing. And I'd go, it used to have a light that came off the top.

Okay. But I got it when I was 17, it's traveled with me forever. It's huge. It's shocking that it was near your bed. Always, it was my light for years. Super strange. In the middle of the night, you'd go like, can I get some water?

I'd go, yeah, yeah, bing. He comes on, shines right on his face. All right, let's do it. Aw, Jake. I've never seen him head on. Yeah, real. It's worse. It is worse.

It is worse. It's the best. Hello? Say it again, Chloe. I didn't mean to interrupt you. I was going to interrupt you. I was going to have you hear my gulp. Anyway, moving on.

Now, there's somebody on. How are you doing? Good. What's your name, bud? My name's Rusty. Rusty. How are you doing, Rusty? Cool! but my name's rusty rusty. How you doing? It is cool Where you calling from rust Call from Utah you to rusty does the name rust work for you it felt like it Rusty what are your nicknames Ross? You weren't in the big gold, wet metal. I'll take it. I'll take it. Rusty, what are your nicknames, Russ?

Rusty. I like going by Rusty or my last name, Scram. Scram? Rusty Scram? That sounds like a product for ladders. Rusty Scram. Rusty Scram, that's a great name. That's a great name.

Thank you. That's one of the best names I've ever heard. Rusty Scram. Sounds like a breakfast name. That's a great name. Thank you. That's one of the best names I've ever heard. Rusty Scram. It sounds like a breakfast special. So what is Rusty short for? Russell? No, it's Rusty. Born and given.

So on burst, and what's a middle name that mom and dad gave you? It's a cool boy name. Rusty is? Yeah. No, I don't have a middle name. You're just straight up on the person. You don't need Rusty Scram. When you're Rusty, Rusty is? Yeah. No, I don't. I don't have a middle name. You're just straight up on the person. You don't need one. Rusty Scram?

When you're Rusty, Rusty Scram. What are you going to throw in there that's better? Michael? Rusty Michael Scram? No. So Rusty, you got any, you got any siblings? I do. I have five siblings.

I'm the oldest. What are their names? Utah. Well, I'm actually calling What are their names? Utah. Well, I'm actually calling about, don't say Utah. Utah. Yeah, I'm actually calling about one of my siblings, so I don't know.

Okay, great, so we'll just get into it. You got a special guest. You got Chloe Feinman from SNL, summer of 69, and the dink. You're in good hands rusty. Whoa. Whoa. Try it.

What was the right response? Cool boy Rusty. Mr. Scram, what do you got? So my issue is I have a sister who just got married maybe six, seven months ago and she is, they're just like over the top with PDA. So like, for instance. Really fast, Rusty, really fast. Is anybody watching Love on the Spectrum?

I was literally about to say the exact same thing. I immediately thought about Mackenzie. No, is that her name? Mackenzie? And her Southern gentleman. The sweet gentleman. It's too much. It's too much. He's a little bit pervy. He's a bit much.

You know, they've been together for nine months. Yeah, well, he's a sweet guy. He'll do a lot of, yeah, I like that. He's a cowboy sweetheart. I know. And everything she says, he goes, of course I like that. But when he moves in for a kiss as a dad I'm a little bit like my guy And then her eyes are looking around where she's like

I'm like hey homeboy I get I get the fruit tastes nice If you were there would you like would you break it up? How would you do it? I would go. I would walk right in between me and I'd go, all right, my sweet cowboy. I think we've had enough sampling. Sick. Sick. Rust, back to you. So Rust, you have not seen it? And yeah, I'm calling Rust. No, I haven't, but I get the gist. I get the gist. Yeah, you'll know what it is right away. So what's your sister's name?

Yeah, it's Deanna Stobb. So, uh, I need an alias for her. What's where to get? Mackenzie. Mackenzie, love it. Something else. And we'll call him Sweet Cowboy. Mackenzie Scram?

Mackenzie Scram. Mack Scram. So, we can call her Mackenzie? Wait, can I ask a dumb question? Yeah, sounds great. Is anyone in your film medium, hey, because then it's like, hey, Mackenzie, what's your sister's name? Mackenzie.

Mackenzie. Mackenzie. Mackenzie. Mackenzie her Mackenzie? Wait, can I ask a dumb question? Is anyone in your film medium, hey, because then it's like, hey, scram. No, no, actually, you weren't that creative. Okay, Ross. Ross, so you got Mackenzie and we'll just call him the sweet cowboy. Yeah. And what kind of PDA are they like tug-in-mouth or what's this? Yeah It's a good question. Yeah, it's like that

Like I like full tongue. So so let me give you like for instance like a couple weeks ago We're sitting on the couch or like we're all just hanging out as a family playing games. Whatever at my house and Sounds nice. That's your time. She gets, she gets pissed about something. And so she like hangs her hair over his face. And then they like, you can hear little tiny whispers of like, oh, I'm cool. And then like, like noises and like, oh, like,

what do you mean? Right here. Wait, wait, wait. They're doing like, funny wh like, what do you mean? What's it right here? Wait, wait, wait. They're doing like, funny whispers and kind of like bedroom talk. Oh, yeah, yeah. Are you saying that she's making little noises or they're making out?

Cousin it. Like that's kind of a weird. Yeah. That's weird. Yeah. I'm not Alabama, okay. At least it's on only up and up. Wait, are they making out under the hair?

You don't have to defend Utah so much. Yeah. Yeah. Relax, dude. Dude. Easy rest. We like it. Yes, they are like making out and like you can hear like, I don't know.

I try to look away. Like moaning. Does he moan? No, not, oh gosh, no. I might lose my mind. Uh, no, but. But like, hold on. What age are they?

Let me get it. I think I'm getting a sense of this. So your sister and them are getting a little bit much. It's getting a little bit gross. It's around you They're in their 20s. Yeah mid 20s and how old are you? I am like a little bit older like upper mid 20s Okay, so it's a younger sister

And what does the rest of the family think? Uh, we all make jokes behind their back and tease them ruthlessly Okay, and so this is a pretty clean setup, Rusty. I'm going to show you what you need. Hold on. Just keep talking. I'm here. Okay. So what is this specific... She's gone, Garen. She's gone. She's left frame completely.

It'd be amazing if she never came back. What an exit. I'm still here, but I'm gone. All right, hold on. It's one of these. A spray bottle. We have this for our dog. Oh.

All right, Chloe, take it away. What do you think of this? You got a spray bottle. You can get these anywhere. You can get them at the dollar store. You can get them at a plant store to water your plant if you're into that. And I do it to my dog. And I would just do it if they kiss. I'd squirt them them. By the way it's not a bad idea. I like it. Case open and shut right there. Oh my god. Agree. Really? But honestly Rusty if you just if she they start kissing if you have a spray bottle and you hose them down. Now. Now. Now. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Off. Now! Off! Off! Off!

Bath! Bath! Yeah, it was like for humping, you know, you're off. Yes! By the way, if you treated them like dogs humping, that would be... And also, if you're the guy and you get sprayed, it's so humiliating, like your hair gets damp in one weird zone. Yeah. You're like a horny dog.

It's pretty frantic. It's humiliating. It's like that sometimes. Like literally at Christmas, they went under a blanket in the middle of the living room and you can just see motion. That is absolutely fucking crazy. By the way, I don't think they were doing it, but like... No, I get it.

No, not doing it, but still, it's so weird. It's like a dog. This is so validating, guys. Oh, yeah. My sister and I, growing up... Oh, sorry. You go, Chloe. It's another story where I come off really bad. Let's hear it.

Go ahead. Let's see. Too late. you started, let's see. My sister and I shared a bathroom growing up, and if we were both home and she was with her boyfriend, I'd hear in the middle of the night, like... ...whatever. And one night, I was so pissed, I kicked the door open, and I was like,

You need to shut the fuck up! And then they were just asleep, so I don't know... ...what I have been hearing. When you say that your parents are fucking and they both go like... Yeah. You went in the wrong room. No, it wasn't my... Oh, no! No.

Who did you hear... What cheeks did you hear slapping? You know, we're in Northern Calif. I think it was like trees, maybe. Oh, I understand. I understand. The trees. Yeah. Sounded like human sex. Yeah, it was something, but...

Or maybe they were, they lied, but I kicked the door down. Either way. So Rusty, what do you think about the spray bottle? The spray bottle is pretty good. I've but I don't know if it's like because we brought it up to them as a problem. Yeah. And how did you what did you say? Not like we didn't like talk to them about it, but like I'll make fun of them.

How did you bring it up as a problem? Like to their faces. Yeah. Like for instance, I'll be like, hey, hey, Mackenzie. I'll be like, hey, remember that one time when you guys were being disgusting PDA in the living room? Oh wait, that was right now. Mic drop.

They were like, damn. It's not enough. Yeah, or like they asked us the other, like just a couple days ago, they were like, oh, do you think our PDA is as bad as somebody else's and we're like uh it's I don't think anybody could beat you. I think you are you take the case. See see what happens after that

No, she's just oh no what no Yeah, so it's like after teasing they just just ha ha ha, and then they go back. Teasing is not enough. This is a problem. Teasing is not gonna get you out of it. Chloe, what is going on with you? Sorry, you can talk. Sorry, I just got nothing to ignore me.

Chloe, why do you get so close to the screen when you read stuff? You are not that old. You're better at technology than this. You're doing what my dad that. I don't think I am. You're doing what my dad did before he passed here with technology. You also earlier called Quick Time You Go. When we were first setting up, she goes, okay, it's looking for...

You're like... looking for Quick Time? Time. Time. You're roasting. oh my gosh. Well, it's not roasting, it's a mystery to me of what's happening. Well, I understand the phone is like, yep, prrr, prrr, and then there's something about a computer where I'm like, like the texts are coming, I don't know how to like get the thing off. I got you.

This person's like... You're not as used to the computer. Yeah, not at all. And then, yeah, reading, I have to get close. It's a cry for glasses. Yeah, but it's reminded me when computers were new. Right. Like, you remember at the beginning of the pandemic and the early Zooms, you'd literally,

we used to do a card game, my buddy, Bayna hosted a game, and certain people would come on and it would be so close to their face. I'd have to go like, hey, I don't know who you are, Greg, but you've gotta move it back. It's like, I'm in my bed. It is called Zoom. I'm seeing so much of your face, et cetera,

and they'd be like, huh, Greg, take the thing, and just arms length away. But in Greg and I's defense, like, the screen is this far away. Like if that was a book, I couldn't read it. Yeah, you're right about that. Well, there is something to the idea that Rusty just called that roasting, though, because that's not roast.

I think, Rusty, I think you're going too soft in the paint with this one. And you're the threshold. Utah, again, he's like, I was horrible're going too soft in the paint with this one and your threshold, Utah again, he's like, I was horrible. I said, darn it. Yeah, so I think you're too soft. I think you guys have created the conditions where what they're doing is like, they feel incorrigible in a good way.

We need to go shame. This is full on like, this has to stop its ruining events. Yeah. You could also do, yeah, go ahead Rusty. The subtle doesn't work. Like, you know, even just like, like they've been like on the couch, like noodling or whatever. And it's, and it's like even like looking away or like dry heat, like fake dry heating. No.

Like no shame. that's not working No, I got an idea. They're proud about it You got to get the water problem. How about water water? Yeah, what about what about porn sounds or porn music? Yeah, what is poor have a new phone. What is porn music? They're all like goodies. I'm not a baby, but like, aren't you like old school? So it used to be, I mean, you go back to, you gotta go back to old school.

There's no music anymore. Right. They used to be when they were kids. They used to be when they were in the wine or something. Right, when they were cinema. Yeah, well they would do star wipes. It was a whole thing. Okay.

It was way better. But nowadays, of course, there's nothing because it's under this old-time's trash. Oh, the kids gotta get to it right away, Jake. It's disgusting. But if... I agree, Gareth. I just like a soundtrack. Tease me a little, guys. Come on. I actually just want the soundtrack. Yeah, I actually better think so.

I like the music. You and your little weird sailor just listening to porn together. But what do you think about on your phone getting overly exaggerated 70s porn music? Yeah. And at a full volume that's so loud that others can't talk? So it fully ruins the vibe. If you're all hanging out, they start kissing, it goes like...

Bum bum bum, bum bum bum. That's Stanford and Son. But something in that zone... Play the full house theme. Get him. And it goes like, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, b You know you could do. What's the Mrs. Gingerbread song? From a caller on this show, a woman wrote a song of her cat. Oh! And that's an interesting idea. But what do you think Rusty, what do you think Rusty about a song whenever it's on? And by on, I mean, they're getting together.

Don't say on, oh gosh. Utah. Yeah, I don't like that. I dig say on. Oh gosh. Utah. Yeah, I don't like that. I dig that. You do. So much Utah. Because we, don't say get it on. That's horrible.

So. That's it. Rusty, we could do, we got two options for it and I think both would work. We've got the spray bottle or we've got sounds. I also. You want ice. I was thinking you could ice bucket them. We've got the spray bottle or we've got sounds. I also- You want ice. I was thinking you could ice bucket them.

That's interesting. And just put a little, the only problem with that is I don't think he's gonna like it in the house. Oh, that's weird. Yeah. They are in the house. Could you ever just put it in your mouth and then be like, and just shoot one.

Ooh, wait a minute though. Are you trying to make it more freaky or? No, just like, you know, when you like, don't you spit things at yourself? It doesn't, people do that. You're acting like I'm crazy. Yeah, easy Rusty. Easy Rusty.

Chloe's gesture just now made me think of a whistle. If your whole family could have whistles. I like whistles. And you can have the stop it whistles. just now made me think of a whistle. If your whole family could have whistles, and you can have the stop it whistles, because this is a foul. So you could have whistles. I also think what you could start doing.

Keep going, sorry, keep going. I also think what you could do is start taking some pictures of this happening and send it to the show. And we can start to blur their faces and post it and this might be a way to subtly... That goes into shame. It's shame. Shame.

Okay, I got one based off of the whistle. Shame. Humiliation. Yes. I got one off of the whistle that I know will work. Fart machine. This is too... It will though.

But there is nothing. But if you're making out... It solves though. But if you're making out, there's nothing that takes you out of the mood more than the sounds of a random fart machine going off. So they're kissing on the couch. Instantly you just have one of those, Leslie Nielsen used to carry one around with him when he did press. Thank God he did.

It's worth a YouTube search. Thank God he did. The funniest, but you can get one online very easily. Make it loud. They kind of sound like that. They do that, remember it's like, ah, there's that one and the other. Yeah.

Agreed. Rusty, that'll work for variance. That'll work for sure That'll end it very quickly. They're being cute going like how you little doing bunny when you Right over all they're talking at a very loud clip Whenever they do that the house is filled with farts. So you're going to try the sounds, Rusty? Start there. Yeah. I like sounds.

I like spray bottle. Yeah, it's easy. I think you can't go wrong with a spray bottle. You also should just have one in general because you can do your hair. Yeah. Just to like... Yeah, we have a daughter that likes to scream. It's multipurpose.

We can spray her. Yeah. All right, Rusty, we're getting out. Do the spray bottle, do the sounds, and let us know what happens, bud. Rusty, do you and the family ever call yourselves the scrammily? We got to go. Thanks, buddy. Take care.

Chloe, thank you for doing the show. Thanks, guys. Thank you, Chloe. Thanks so much. We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question at helpfulpod at gmail.com. And if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here to Help, you can go to our Patreon at patreon.com slash here to help pod to see our entire catalog.

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