We're Here to Help - 170: Occasional Blue Jays & Butt Grazing

Episode Date: May 12, 2025

Gareth and Jake help a caller whose friend refuses to let the party die. Later, they preserve a caller's couch using a patented butt-rotation method. Plus, the long-awaited follow up to Episode 80 "Identical in Every Way with Max Greenfield."See caller images here!Want to call in? Email your question to [e-mail]: https://patreon.com/heretohelppodMERCH: heretohelppod.comINSTAGRAM: @HereToHelpPodIf you’re enjoying the show, make sure to rate We’re Here to Help 5-Stars on Apple Podcasts.Advertise on We’re Here to Help via Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This episode of We're Here to Help is brought to you by Gemini. Oh, Jake, it is. To us, Gemini was an American gladiator. But not to the kids of today. We're talking exams, essays. This is stressful stuff. We went through it. We were on our own. But Gemini is offering something really great for college students. So if you are a listener of We're Here to Help and if you want a little extra help, Gemini Advanced is now free for college students in the United States of America. Sign up before June 30th and you'll get free access all the way through spring finals

2026. So Gareth, when you use Gemini, which we both use, what do you use it for and what do you like about it? There's sometimes like if there's a topic that I think I want to do stand up on or if there's sometimes like if I'm writing something for my other show, it's just like a way to kind of have something. It just gives you all the information and right away you go oh okay now I actually get this now I can personalize it visit Gemini dot Google slash students to learn more terms apply but crispy strips are now at McDonald's tender juicy and its own sauce would you look at that well you can't see it, but trust me, it looks delicious.

New McCrispy Strips, now at McDonald's. Ba-da-da-ba-ba-ba And we are back! And by the way, I gotta throw some heat at Nat Attack. Why? Because she's not here and we can attack. Good. That's the move. So, how dare she? Why? Because she's not here and we can attack. Good. That's the move.

How dare she? She asked us to do this, just the two of us, correct? Yes. She said, hey, could you guys do a little intro? Start at 8.30, I'll come out at 9.00. And you know what we said is goddamn pros? Of course we can. It's easy.

We would love to. It's fun. But we've also brought up the fact that neither of us think about this until we get the email from her with the Zoom link. Isn't this all accurate? I'm just trying to be in a turner here. We just talked about it. Last session we talked.

Literally just talked about it. And how you were saying, sometimes when you check the email, it's all last minute, right? Yeah. Every time I sign on to do this show, it's like someone walked into my place and said, do it now, there's a link. And then I freaked out. And last second, it's like someone walked into my place and said, do it now, there's a link. And then I freaked out.

Somewhere. And last night, it's like the house is on fire. Yeah, get out! That's how I act. So, and you've made that very clear, and guess what, I relate to it. I mean, look at us. You look like you're a cop at a Grateful Dead show

who's undercover trying to buy a dime bag. By the way, I am, that's who I am. I'm Ruhl Buck. Yeah, you are, you are. Even back when I smoked weed. Dime bag by the way. I am that's why I'm rule book Criminal energy you know who I really am Leonardo DiCaprio from the Departed Wow that is tough That's real that's it when I watch that movie. I went like this. That's my life. That's my guy Never related more my man. What are you well? I'm not a gangster, but I'm with the gangsters, and I'm also gonna stab you in the fucking neck, because I'm all turned around.

I can't sleep. I'm Donnie Brosco. There's no character I've ever related to more than Johnny Depp. And you're a successful entertainer, and you're living as Donnie Brosco. And then I go back to my wife, and she's like, what's going on? I'm like, I'm gonna back at you, because I'm in the mafia. By the way, Donnie Brosco, what a movie. What a movie.

Pacino in that era. Oh, crushing. Like honestly, we get now. Johnny Depp too. Just starting to peak. I'll tell you what though, if you look at the way both of those men look now. Great. Actors don't age well, and this is what I've been saying.

There's a point where you gotta go, it's very cool to go this deep and live in another universe. Then there's a point you gotta go, I can't be 84 years old with jet black hair and a newborn baby. And guess what, I can't be 65 with 42 necklaces. You know who has crushed it in that way is Nicholson. Jack Nicholson basically was like, I'm out,

I'm getting heavy. Like I saw him signing autographs. He's as big as a walrus eating hamburgers at Laker Stadium. Like remember, we saw him on the balcony for the first time like two years ago. I agree. And everyone was like, oh my God.

It was like, well this is an 84 year old man. But I saw him signing. Who lives on a boat. It's amazing. I saw him signing autographs on like a TMZ thing the other day. And so it was like, Jack, will you ever act again? And he was like, nope.

Yeah, I'm acting to stay alive now. I'm acting like a walrus. I'm pretending I'm human still. I'm pretending I'm human and not a wal... By the way, you're right. And then you look at Pachin and you'll see him walking down the street, a jet black wig on his hair, just going like,

hoo-ah, gotta go, one more. And you're like, hey Al, it's over. But also, it's the thing about actors I love and hate. It's like, it's a wonderful profession. We do cool stuff, but also, everybody's gotta take it easy. Take a fucking breath. There are loopholes though, Jake, because Pacino's like dating like a 30 year old.

So he's definitely. By the way, So he is definitely also, I completely agree. Gross. What do you do, like Belichick, Belichick now with his girlfriend is like 25. It's like, bro, what are you doing? But also to pretend that, to pretend you have no inner thoughts about the disgustingness you're putting

on top of this 25 year old. Imagine just the, a little bit of ego you must have where you're like, God, she looks great getting out of the shower. And then she goes, get in bed. And you go, yeah. And then you go, she goes, take your shirt off. And you go, I swear to God, no.

Dude, I would have the clapper. I'd be like, lights. Yeah, not only the clapper. I would have a glory hole in our bedroom. Oh, that's with a belly carve out so that your gut can fit into it. All of this is my eyes and my dick going through it. So I'm like, let me see you.

Batman. But I swear to God, it's just, imagine I'm anything but this disgusting 80 year old mess. You have like a painting of a hot guy over the glory hall. What, honest to God, honey, whatever you want. I wanna see the real you. Look at me.

Just look at me. It's disgusting. A green screened in Mark Wahlberg over just where your eyes pop in. There's not enough Viagra in the world Look at me, look at me, it's disgusting. A green screened in Mark Wahlberg over just where your eyes pop in. There's not enough Viagra in the world to keep my own dick hard if I look like Bill Belichick. It doesn't work, and you know it's true.

Oh, I know, but okay, I'm gonna say there's a loophole. And I think about him all the time. Men, because I think we're, women too, but men really, when they're pushing it. And you say Harry Styles with his perm right now, I'm hanging up and that's the end of the intro. You don't hang up Zooms, you leave them. Ha ha ha, blackout.

Merch. Ha ha ha, okay, keep your point. Rob Lowe. Rob Lowe, still, I'll come, but he was very handsome to begin with. I know, but Gareth, this is where you and I are different. And I mean this seriously. This isn't us going in our same rhetoric.

This is real. I think you think a little bit of plastic surgery is okay. And I don't think it's okay. At the right, what he did, I think, there's something there. There's something there. There's something there. But this goes back to our curling perm debate. No, it's not a perm.

It's not a debate, it's not a perm. Fine, but I don't wanna go in the weeds on that, then curling. No, because then you're winning that argument, because I am on the road and people are like, hey, how's the perm? And I'm like, hey, I'm not gonna fight this battle with strangers. I have to win this in the gridiron with you.

That's because the internet is funny, but here's what I'll say, but that goes to the core of what our conversations have been about it. I think, like Popeye, you are what you fucking are. I agree, I don't push back on that. But a little bit of plastic surgery means you ain't what you ain't because spinach might

make you strong, but Popeye's not going like this. I'm gonna have my spinach and a little nip-tuck on the neck. I'm not even suggesting necessarily- Not a terrible Popeye, I've never done one before. This is not great, I'll be honest for those of us- I agree, but not terrible. For a first? For a first?

Give me two weeks on that. My push is more- I Popeye the sailor, man. I found more, I pop by the sailor, man. I found it. I pop by the sailor, man. We both know it. You're freaking out. I pop by the sailor.

I got two impressions, keep going. And you know what, also the song just was on repeat. It got sad the third time. I didn't have the next thing, go ahead. Yeah, I can't remember it. But it's more just the maintaining. Like the main. I know, but Rob, but once you cheat and you put a little bit of nip tuck and a needle, I think, out

of the category. The hairstyle is not a cheat. The face creams or those things are not cheats. I agree. Look, what you're arguing against is the Al Pacino where he looks constantly surprised. Yes, but that's what I'm crazy. He looks like he's in a church. You know what I would like to host? We're here to help.

Who? A beauty contest for men over 75 who have no work done. Oh my God. And I want a, I want a bikini bottoms. I want a oiled up flexing. Title. But you know what we're going for? We're not going for this fucking new era

steroid HGH bullshit. But guess what? You gotta work out, you gotta eat well. That's what I like that. Cause I don't want the walrus. Guess what? I don't wanna be at 80. I don't wanna be a goddamn walrus.

No, they exist. You and I are guys who care about health. Yeah. We're guys who try. We pretend we don't, but we try. I try. I'm working out four or five days about health. Yeah. We're guys who try. We pretend we don't, but we try. I try. I'm working out four or five days a week. Yeah.

Rudy Garcia, I'm fucking throwing weights around. It's just trying to keep, just trying to not lose the battle so fast at this point. That's it. That's it. Yes. Cause guess what's happening? It's coming.

I hear the footsteps. The footsteps are chasing me. By the way, I'm chasing them. I'm the footsteps to the decline. By the way, I'm chasing them. I'm the footsteps to the decline. You're like, yeah, take me. I'm chasing the footsteps. Remember when I was hearing you? Take me.

I love that. The nip and the tux and the. I love, I love a beauty. I mean, are we serious? Can we do this? Is this just, let's be honest. This is a thing that never happens. You never know.. Could we talk to Morgan and maybe try to do something? Well Morgan, so Gareth, it's I'm the one who would do it

It might maybe there's an outside force Yes, in the patreon who could maybe contact us and suggest they can somebody or one of our emails But the idea what we'd be looking for and you you know what we might wanna start with is just online. Yeah, yeah, I agree. How about this? Submissions. So, submissions of great looking, men, guess what, men or women,

75 plus, no plastic surgery. No work, just health, au naturel. And guess what? Let's see what we got. If I may, I know I said at the end of the show, I'm going on tour, go to my website garethrentles.com, I'm all across the East Coast. And so I think with this,

maybe we wrap up our first intro. Oh, Nat Attack. Let me just end on this. Go, cook. Thanks. So she sends a fucking Zoom link to Gareth and I right before 8.30 at 8.26. I get on it, it's for a 9 a.m. start.

That's when we're doing the calls. Oh, that's what that one is. So then I send you a Zoom link, Gareth. I go to the- And you're not on. And I go, I'm texting you, you're texting me. And I go, it's cause Nat Attack pulled a Nat Attack because what she does is she's sneaky, Gareth.

She's sneaky. Jake, look. She's sneaky. Jake. Talk to me. She's gonna hear this. I know she is. That's why I'm saying it like that.

She's gonna be upset. And without further ado. This podcast is sponsored by The Crisp, the refreshing angry orchard. Now Jake, you don't sound angry when you talk about it because why would you be? Listen, guys, there's a litany of things that we shouldn't get angry about, but let's be honest, sometimes it's hard not to be. I get angry at stuff, Gareth. Such as, Mr. Johnson? Your perm.

Stop, I'm soaking wet, stop. Not today, by the way. By the way, you're angry at the perm. I told you you're gonna see my movie and you know it's gonna be the perm. It was a ridiculous phase. It's, by the way. By the way, you're angry at the perm. I told you you're gonna see my movie and you know it's gonna be the perm. It was a ridiculous phase. It's not even a perm. I don't know what's happening.

I get angry at your love of the Packers. I get angry at your delusion over the Bears. I get angry at the draft in Green Bay where you just looked around and my mother who lived in Manitoc, I'm like, ugh, look at this city. What are you talking about? And it's like, go and I was like I'm feeling. They had a great draft. Listen, don't get angry about all the things that we talked about except for Jake's

kind of obsessive relationship with the Bears that they've never fulfilled him for. 1985 I was alive for. It's one time. Instead get an angry orchard and feel good. Feel chill and refreshed. Not getting pissed off but have a tasty angry orchard. Okay, angry orchard and feel good. Feel chill and refreshed. Not getting pissed off, but have a tasty angry orchard. Okay, angry orchard is the number one hard cider in the country. Has a bright crisp apple flavor. I just had one the other day, Jake. It's just like biting into a fresh apple. Something we all want to do.

So grab an angry orchard cider today. Don't get angry. Get orchard and please drink responsibly. Hello. Hi. How are you? How are you? I'm good. How are you? Good. Can we get your first name, please? Yeah, Michelle. Hey, Michelle. Everything going good today? Oh, it's going, you know. Great. Hey Michelle, where are you calling from? It's not great. I'm calling from Texas.

Where in Texas? I'm in Dallas. Dallas. I stayed in Dallas doing a movie years ago. So much whiskey, so much Lone Star. Yeah. Just a dangerous area to be at a certain age. It's a great town. How old are you Michelle? I am 32

32 and how many siblings you got? I got one sibling one brother older or younger older See the baby, huh? Uh-huh Do you feel like the baby in the group? Not as much as I'd like to be. I like to be like 25, you know. Interesting. No, I don't mean how old you are.

No, no, go ahead, Jake. I meant like in terms of you and your sibling. I don't know if you can hear my dog. Yeah, I'd say so. He's got, he's got big older brother vibes. Great, and what's your dog's name? His name's Sunny. Sunny, and what's Sunny?

My dog's name is Sunny too. No way, what kind of dog do you have? A miniature Australian Shepherd kind of mix. Oh, mine's a little poodle guy. Yeah, they're great dogs. My dog can go without a leash, can yours? No, hers can't. I'll answer.

Listen to the fucking thing. So Michelle, what can we do for you? Okay. So to set this up, so you know, I'm 32. So me and my husband, we have a great friend group. We for the most part all met like in college. So like late teens, early twenties, right? We're now all in our early thirties.

Most of us are married. Several of us have kids. Most of us have really stressful jobs. We're all tired. However, we have one friend who, um, is really not ready to let the party go. And it's just really determined to keep it going at that same pace, you know, who is really not ready to let the party go. And it's just really determined to keep it going at that same pace that you did when you were like 21

and the old metabolism was really firing on all cylinders. Do they put carlin cream in their hair? Michelle, can you hear us? We're having some, go ahead. Yeah, I can hear you. Can you hear me? Yeah, okay, good. Yeah, yeah, sorry, Jake just broke up for a second.

So keep going. You have one friend who's very youthful, probably attracts a lot of great attention and everybody's into it. Demands it. What would we call this friend, just to name it? Garrett? What should we call him? Is it a boy or a girl? It's a boy.

Can we call it Garrett? Great. Okay, so you got a Garrett. Yeah, yeah, we can call him Garrett, sir. Absolutely. I'm Garrett. Unfortunately, I will have a Gareth. Yeah, yeah, we can call him Gareth, sir. Absolutely. Unfortunately, I will have a bias going into the advice on this one. All right, so keep going though. Let's get off of Gareth, unfortunately.

Thank you. Back to you. Okay, we'll give him... Your group of friends, yeah, we'll give him some space. He doesn't like the space. Your group of friends has all been growing up, except for this one guy. Let's call that friend, let's just call him Blue Jay. Blue Jay, perfect, that's actually a real name.

No. And Blue Jay is still looking to party like he's 25. You got it, you nailed it. And Blue Jay, it's not just that he himself would like to continue to party like he's 25. It's like he would like all of like to continue to party like he's 25. It's like, he would like all of us to continue to party like we are 25 and become, you know, have like a little existential crisis if we don't.

Right. You mean kind of get like buying shots when you're out and when you guys say you don't want to because you have to go home or you have to get up early, kind of takes it personally and... Right, right, right. You got it, you got it. Yeah, believe that if we don't keep the party going,

that we are all getting old and boring and might as well just end it all. Let me give you an example. An example. So, we're in Texas, the bars here close at two. So if we're out at the bars, you know, one time a few weeks ago, my husband and I left at 1.40. We were tired, kind of call it,

20 minutes before the bars closed. Several weeks later, we're hanging out, just gets brought up again about, you know, how lame you guys are that you didn't even stay until the bars closed, right? So we got a real degree of I don't know if it's promo or what. Yeah okay so what is the specific question we can I mean it's not going to be an easy one yeah because it's a good setup it's a good setup but what's going to be hard about it is we don't we don't have the guy on the line with us. This would be easier if it was him.

But let's see what we can do. So what is the specific question we can try to help you with? Okay. Okay. So I would say the specific question is how do we help our friend understand that it's okay to, you know, to slow down, not go out all the time. And this doesn't mean that we're old and boring and our friendships are dying, comma, so that we can all know some peace, including him. Let me just say something to start. This feels like the reverse opposite

of a call that should be coming into our show. Our show should be, how do I convince my friends to keep partying? This would be the one, the guy, we should be hearing from Blue J. Cause helping you, I'm like, yeah, we could give you some like straight advice, but I'm like, that's not what our show is.

And that's not why people are tuning in while driving to work. It's hard to, I honestly, I do remember this very much. Like I definitely hung out, I hung in, I was hanging in there long. Yeah. Shots were still a part of my life till mid 30s. Same.

And to the point where other people were like, yeah, we don't do that anymore. And I was like, yeah, come on. We're here. Yeah, we're here. That's how I would always feel. We're not always here. When we're here, let's go for it. Yes. But I got a question for you really fast. Okay, you were here. That's how I would always feel. We're not always here. Yeah, we're here. Let's go for it

Yes, but I got a question for you really fast. Okay. Mm-hmm but this is one for Gareth, but I Want you to hear this too because we're not trying to paint a picture Mm-hmm. Let's say you and I did a live show. Okay Let's say we went to Denver. Okay. The only reason I say that is direct flights. Yep. You've said Denver a lot It feels like you've easy targeted a spot Okay, let's say we go to Denver Bergs there. Yeah, Eric's there. Yeah, it's fun. Yep

I'll finish the show. Good job, man We'll go to a bar. Yeah, you're telling me you and me aren't getting shots They'll be sticking there can be shots there can be shots, Which means we're Blue Jay. No we're not we're we're we're not perennial so we're basically we can be Blue Jay. Occasional Blue Jays. Occasional Blue Jays. That's our pitch to you. This is what I would all this is my question because I think to what Jake was alluding to at the beginning do we feel like Blue Jay, is Blue Jay going out every night? Are we talking about like, does Blue Jay have an issue or your issue is that Blue Jay just when you're out with Blue Jay really wants to turn it up? Right, right.

So something that, no, Blue Jay does not have an issue. No, even if he does that's not the way to show to hell. Well no, that's what I was gonna say. I don't think we can, okay. The only reason I really stopped being Blue Jay was I started working more as an actor. I had early call times and then I had kids. So you guys are right at that age where once the kids happen, it's all gonna be very clear. I'm not going out with fucking Blue Jay.

I'm getting up at six a.mm But right now there's that moment before where people are like I gotta get home and walk my dog Yep, and you're like what and I remember where people are like yeah, me and Stacy moved in together We have a dog our dog can't be alone for more than six hours, and I'm like I'm fucking blue J Yeah, I know take a shot with me your dogs gonna be fine. It's worst case in there. It's shits on your floor. Yeah I'm blue J. I'm blue J. gonna be fine. Worst case scenario, his shit's on your floor. I'm Blue Jay! I'm Blue Jay! I'm buying! I was in a commercial last week! Remember that?

When someone would get a commercial, it would be go time. I got $9,000 coming in the next quarter. I mean, really. Here's my question. What time are we all going out when we go out with Blue Jay? Eight? Until two. Hold out with Blue Jay? In the studio Michelle what time are we meeting up with blue jay soon as you guys are ready? I get started it you guys want to pregame

We're not talking to you. We're to close your eyes Gareth. You're her. I'm blue. J. Okay close your eyes If this ends in a kiss, I'm okay with it It doesn't have to but why why would it end in a kiss? Let's go! Action. Is that curling cream I smell? Alright, Michelle, the question remains, what time are we all meeting up for drinks? When are we going out?

Nine o'clock. I feel like eight or- That's what I said! Okay, stop it. That's what I said. Stop it. Here's what I'm gonna pitch. You gotta start incorporating day drinking. Day drinking, nobody lasts.

This is not a bad idea. Nobody lasts until bar closed when day drinking happens. Day drinking, you can hang in there longer. This is a good idea. You can go from two, you can go from noon. You can. To seven. But then you tell Blue Jay, we're starting at 10 a.m.

And he'll go, 10 a.m.? Yeah. Then you go, come on Blue Jay, you little sissy boy. But you can mix in water that way. You can meet up on a Sunday. You start a little earlier. You could incorporate that. And Blue Jay can look, hang out forever.

But nobody has the expectation of a 14 hour hangout. By the way, Gareth is dead right. The way you beat Blue Jay is he goes shots. And you go, nah nah, I'm tired and you go like this. Hey, but next Saturday Let's do a day drinking thing. Let's start at 10. You'll go noon and you know 10 Start at 9. Yeah, and you'll go 9 and then when he goes 9 go. Yeah, you're 30 fucking too, bro Let's go. What do you think you're 19? Yeah. Yes time shame in the other direction So whenever I tease Gareth about his hair, he doesn't just take it. He teases me about the fact that I didn't wear a shirt to work today.

Yeah, or that he drank from some lady's hose when he got locked out of the car. Or that he has a dummy with lockers that he goes in and he kisses and he wrestles with it. Stuff like that. That he has a little outside shed where he goes and he has a bunch of A's in it. That he wants to have a menagerie of fake gorillas. And when we point out that it's a problem and it keeps becoming more and more of a problem, he still wants... Anyway, you know what we're saying? So the point is... Go ahead.

The new thing Garrett does is he edits his own bits with the... Do you see what we're saying? I'm saving the crew some time. I know they're getting cut. I know they're getting cut. They're trimmed. There was know they're getting cut. They're trimmed. They're not trimmable. They're trimmable. That's not trimmable. Part of my charm is I'm untrimmable. Your hair is untrimmable. It's got so much cream in it. You need a slight trim. Go ahead. So here's my point that I'm trying to make. He comes at you about two, you come at him at nine.

He goes, how about a shot? You go like this, I'll see you at eight a.m. tomorrow morning. Let's go for a jog and then blah, blah, blah. And he's like, what are you thinking? Let's go, you're 32 years old. So there's never, he feels, I can't just attack the two a.m. Because they're now attacking a new game. It's like the board game risk if you've ever played it.

You can easily attack. You can attack to the right, but be careful if you don't have armies to the left. Yep. So if you got to sprain your armies all around your border, you can't attack 2 a.m. if you can't wake up at eight. I think it's it really is an adjustment that does happen with age. And people do it to you the first time someone does it to you, where they go like because I was such a late night guy. Oh, yeah. my buddy Clay Allen was the one where I'd be like, you're going home at midnight? And he'll be like, yeah, I'm taking a hike when the sun comes up. You want to come? And I'm like, yeah, we'll just stay up all night. And he's like, no, dumbass.

We're going to sleep. I'll call you in the morning. I was like, nah, nah, I'm going to sleep until 11. Like I'm 14 going through puberty, my body's changing. Not 14, 17. But that as an idea, what do you think of that? Viewing it like the game of risk and moving the pieces around the border. The night is one vulnerable spot, but so is the morning with the incorporation of

let's do a day drinking thing and if we're gonna party we start at noon in this group because everybody's done by 7 p.m. Yes yeah okay so y'all are making some great points here I have some I have some sauce and okay you might think starting at noon that day drinking, you know that no one can make it till two but he only However Okay, that's where we met up, you know day drinking brunch, whatever we're doing somebody's birthday Who knows and you know, it's to be like seven. We're all fucking drunk. We're tired ready to go home and he's like Oh, we're going out tonight to go home. And he's like, what? I thought we were going out tonight.

And literally nobody has said that. But nonetheless, however, I think you've hit on an Achilles heel here, which is he is aggressively not a morning person. Exactly. And I'm not either. I, at 32, love to sleep until 11. However, I'm willing to sacrifice all this little problem we have. Well, you can sleep until 11 and still pull off a solid day drink.

I know, but she's talking about the converting the night, the power that Blue Jay has to push the night to push it to the morning. Yeah. He doesn't do the morning. What she just said was he can day drink and then go till 2 a.m. So if goes come on, you have a drink going this hey tomorrow pick you up at 8 a.m Let's get breakfast brunch a brunch a wet brunch is pretty good. Yeah, but we don't have to push the drink in it first I think we're getting away from that and going more towards the just wake him up. Okay, is that what you're thinking? I Think this can work and to be clear. We're not we're not opposed to the drinking. It's the

Okay, you know drinking at home is best drinking. Yes. Oh great. Especially 32. You're still partying the whole thing the transition in 30s to 40s out of 20s is It really does start the hard liquor kind of filters itself out But the day drinking starts to take on a charm Because it still falls in line with a regular human transitions into is One hit a weed and a little bit of day drinking. Yeah, and then it transitions to like a weird spritzer Yeah, and then it transitions into like one delicious cocktail and then it starts transitioning to like somebody's grilling really good foods and then before you know it you're just having like a drink or two at a really nice barbecue or a grill.

It becomes honestly it's starting to be like wine or like IPAs it kind of just takes on this kind of lamer format. And then there's kids around and all of a sudden you're like this is just a different thing and then everybody's got to leave by seven to put the kids to bed. Yeah, because one of the guys has to go wrestle a dummy in his little weird locker shit. I wouldn't call you a dummy, and we wrestled once. Stop it.

So Michelle, I think I would say what we're going for here is kind of let's jet lag Blue Jay a little bit. Agreed. Let's see if we can daylight save this time to schedule a little bit. I think if you could start just start earlier You're definitely not gonna get shamed by it and honestly if blue jays like I can't show up at 11 a.m. For drinks That's what we're doing. Do you go what who can't wake up at 11?

Earlier earlier 930 you kind of flip it on on blue jay was shaming 140 sure 930 sure we're starting at 930 We're doing mimosas in the bottomless mimosas What do you think of that overall, Michelle? Are we in the zone? Yeah, I think this is good. You know, I think it puts the power back in the group's hands. I like it. I think the alternate pitch that y'all didn't actually pitch is, that I'm getting from the subject, is that we need to get Blue Jay to have a kid.

And that that would solve this problem altogether. It wasn't the pitch. No, no this problem altogether. Wasn't the bitch. No, no, no, no, Jesus Christ. What are you talking about? I don't think Blue Jay needs to be a dad. No. Blue Jay's not coming back to the nest with worms. Yeah.

We don't need a kid getting a rum cocktail spilled on his beorned head. We also don't need in 17 years a caller going like, how do I get my dad Blue Jay to love me? Yeah, we're not trying to lump responsibility on blue J. We're just gonna blue jay. We're just saying to blue jay Mornings are cool, too. And what's gonna do is you just could get tired. Yeah, you gotta wear the blue jay out You'll log some hours. It feels like you're present. You're not expected to make it till 2 a.m. Yeah day drinking might help

It's a good it's it's time. Yeah, it's not all right. Will you follow up with us? I will Hello Hello Yeah, well, then you haven't seen every pair. That's for sure Can we get your your name where you're calling from, and you can hit us on an approximate age, that's fine. Yeah, we're going to go with Winnie from Michigan, and I am approximately 33. Okay, sounds like it's exactly how old we are.

Winnie's an interesting choice of names. Yeah. Is that your real name? No. Winnie? Yeah. real name? No Winnie. Yeah My full name is a Winnie the Bish Still what I refer to as Lamar and all the time because there's no better thing to call a buddy When we're always messing with each other then. What's up Winnie the bish? Hey I couldn't agree more. So I got a question for you Winnie. What would have

been your alternative names that your parents considered giving you? Have they told you? My dad wanted to name me Marge and that's when my mom took over the naming of all of my siblings. You were going to be Marge? Marge is a crazy... Incredible. Even as a man I know that that's not okay. Marge is shocking. Marge is just so decisively bus driver who smokes. Agreed. And not short for anything either. Not short for Margaret, just Marge. Yeah, that's terrible. And then Winnie the Big, Winnie aka Marge, what was the last weird text you sent or received

off the death of the Pope and JD Vance's recent visit to him. You're grim reapering JD Vance with his Pope visit? A little bit. Okay, so Winnie Michigan 33, aka Marge. What do you got? Yeah, so my problem is about a month ago, I bought my very first piece of like real adult furniture.

So far all my furniture in my house is like hand me down, side of the road, goodwill fine. I remember. But I decided to invest in a really nice couch. I love this. It arrived about a month ago. It's been super exciting, awesome to have in the house. The problem is my roommate, since I got this new couch,

just spends so much time on it. I get it because it's an awesome couch. But she sits in the exact same spot on the couch every single time. And my concern as a new good quality furniture owner is that over time the couch is going to wear in that spot more than any other spots because it's getting like quadruple the amount of butt time. I've never seen it.

You're totally right. Completely. I had a guy one time come over to my place to, he asked me if he could record a podcast and he came to my place and he sat on the spot on the couch and the couch was never the same. He sat in between the pillows and sunk it. It was concave forever. Is the roommate's size wise average?

Yes. Okay, so average size. Yeah, so it's not that her size specifically, it's just that she's sitting on it. It'll be like from when she gets home to when she gets to bed, she sits in this one spot. And I would say that this is like the second best spot on the couch Which then ruled it out for me as an option for someplace to sit because it's already getting too much butt time I need to figure out how to get her to like space out Where she sits on the couch to the equal attention

I already have asked her to not like there was another way she was sitting on the couch that was like really crunching down the back cushions. And so I already asked her to not sit that way on the couch. So now I feel like if I have another ask, I'm like the crazy couch lady who needs my couch could be sat on exactly only one particular way. You guys wanna see the couch? We got a picture of it.

Yeah, maybe I am. It's a the couch? We got a picture of it. It's a beautiful couch. It is a lovely couch. First off, where'd you get this couch? Let's give a little shout out. Where'd you get the couch, Winnie? Interior Define. Nice. Beautiful. Great setup.

There's a long flat area, then there's the long-legged area where you could sit. I'm assuming it's facing a TV of some sorts. Where does she sit? She sits on the edge where that like big arm rest is. Okay, so not where her legs can go up. No, I think that that's the best spot on the couch.

That's the equivalent of where I sat at New Gro where my legs could go up. That's the best seat on every couch. So she takes the other one sits so she can put her drink on that little coffee table and her left arm is on the couch. Is that correct? Yeah. Give her the fucking seat. That's your pitch. Give her the seat. Why Winnie? She chose the bad she chose a poor seat. That's your pitch. Give her the seat. But here's why, Winnie. She chose the bad. She chose a poor seat. Give her the seat.

Well, OK, Winnie, let's say she sits on an... Are you going to feel this wherever she sits on the couch? I just want her to sit in different spots, different times that she sits on the couch.

Like, it's a big couch. There's only the two of us that live there. Yeah, I know what you're saying. There's actually not a bad spot on the couch. I've sat in all of the spots and they're all really comfortable. You just don't want to sag your bottom in the corner. Yeah, exactly.

And I can't, you know, the makeup of the couch is that I can't switch the cushions around. It's such a great call. It's a great call. It's a great problem. It's also a real goddamn conundrum. Yes, but also Winnie, you've done a wonderful job setting this up.

Great job. Yes. Thank you. I, it's tough. Conundrum. It's tough because it's a, I'm just putting myself in the roommate's position. If someone said to me

Hey, I'm worried that you're over sitting in one spot of the couch. It's hard. I'd be like What the fuck is your problem? I'd be like dude. You got a couch. What do you want me to do? You want me to see keep now you want to manage where I sit you want me to be? Rotating where I should be sitting? The only way to really kind of get this out there is to like, see, like, it's going to seem strange if you bring this up. It may be you want to lean into the strange and make her be like, oh, this is a very strange person. And because she has a couch, I'm going to need to do some strange things to help her with it.

There are, I have a couple pitches. I don't know what you have, Jake. I got a pitch. Okay, what do you got? So it's going off of that idea where Gareth was saying. And what I would like to kind of create is almost like a stuffed animal creature that sits in that seat that you put there. That like a throw pillow decorative thing

that you keep putting there whenever she sits there, go like, do you mind if I just put this little thing here? So she just moves more towards the middle because the middle still has the table. So it was like a joke, like a weird, you know, like as a gag is a really funny thing that you do Winnie because you're such a character is you put a stuffed animal on the couch

so you don't like to watch TV alone. And so she knows where that stuffed animal is sitting matters and some days you put it on the long side, some days you put it in the middle and go like, I'm doing a really stupid, you know what we could do? We could do a Mr. Piggly, Dr. Piggly, Mr. Mo. It might have to be them. The importance of sitting in different spots on a couch

Mm-hmm. For, to preserve a couch. It really is, it's like proper farming has, you have your four quarters where the cows graze and you move them so that the area where they graze has time to recover. We could almost, if we wanted to. I think that almost if we wanted to I think that's I think that's I think that's a good pitch. Let me pitch a couple others real quick

You could also This is this one's not good. But let me just get it out there You could gift her a chair and be like I got you a chair your own chair. And you could go, you could like, thrift it and bring it back and be like, I want you to have your own space. Like you could give her something like that. The other, you said she kind of comes home from work and she's, or whatever, she's kind of hanging around,

hanging out in that area for a little bit, right? Yeah. So you could prep that area before she comes back and you could have like a bowl of popcorn sitting there and your computer sitting next to you. Like you've kind of roped that area off for your stuff and make her adjust and find her new zone. Only the other, I think we might wanna go with Pig and Moe, but also I also think what you could

do is if you just want to lean in and just be like, look, I am the owner of a new couch. Might seem strange to you, but I've come up with an ass chart. And the ass chart is where we mark- I didn't think you guys would say that. I was about to say no, Gareth, but then the ass chart's very interesting. We mark on a bit of a poster board. We just mark where we sit each night so that I just make sure for my first couch,

the longevity is there. It's like my child right now. So we have, you have your stickers, your orange, and wherever you sit on the couch, let's just track it for the next six weeks. And that's just so we know where we're moving. So we know where we're butt grazing from now on. And I know it might seem strange,

but I want you to be about a part of this couch. I also want to get the most out of this couch possible. So I'm charting. I think an ass chart is very interesting. Well, we've I mean, do you have any more? I mean, those they seem to be good. I think we got some options there. I also this is the other thing I was going to say. Per your let's leave a stuffed animal there or something. We could, if you wanted, this is very strange too. You could pretend you just got your childhood blanket shipped to you and you haven't seen

it in a long time and it has real meaning to you, and you could just start leaving that there too. It's just another arrow in the direction of like items that you value being in her spot kind of pushing her away from that zone. All right, Whitney, let's go to you for a little bit. What are you thinking? Yeah, yeah. So I love the weirdness of the ass chart. However, I have lived with this roommate for two years.

So we're friends. she knows me pretty well. So I think anything that's like that weird, she's just gonna be like, what the hell, what's going on? This is really strange. That could be what Mo and Pigly could talk about the ass chart if we wanted. Okay, keep going.

Yeah, but let's keep hearing her. Let's keep hearing her. Yeah. And I have thought about the approach of just directly owning the fact that I'm now a particular couch owner, which I never was before, and just bringing it up to her. But I do feel like she's not doing anything wrong. She's just sitting on a couch. She's on a spot she likes.

She's sitting on the couch, the spot that she likes. So I don't think she's doing anything wrong. I'm just being annoyed by something that's a very normal thing for somebody to do. And I'm being annoyed by it on a daily basis. So I have thought about the direct approach, but then I'm also like me. We're not gonna do it.

She already thinks I'm kind of particular. What do you think about Pigly and Moe? Honestly, I kind of like that. Because here's what I'd recommend you do is you just send her a text of the audio and you go, really funny just heard this clip it's so funny it's our couch let's keep moving our butts around. Yeah, I feel like that could work because then I could play myself off as like the cool casual. I wasn't even thinking about this when it comes to my couch.

But I just spent all this money on it. But then you say, if I'm sitting in the same spot too much, tell me to. It's got me thinking. Tell me to. Keep me butt honest. Yeah, keep me butt honest. Okay, all right, I'm into it.

So how do we want to, let's talk about the longevity of, why don't we just sort of say, we started looking, one of us had a cow tissue, started looking into it, and the sag over 18 months became real and there is this whole theory online right now about how farmers have their cat okay you want to just get into it yeah uh but before we do it marge is this something you're into is there something we should consider. Do you have any thoughts going in? No, I'm into this. Let's go. Okay. So let's keep the whole thing ideally under a minute and a half. And let's do this also. Pretend we're talking about something else, transition in, and then we'll start talking

about something else. So it could be a hard cut as if she just clipped this one little piece. Does that make sense? hard cut as if she just clipped this one little piece. Sure. Does that make sense? Yes, why don't we do this? Why don't we come in and you're laughing at me a little bit, like I'm talking about this and I'll back it up with some science and then you can be swung around on it. Great.

Okay. I'm talking about a couch. You are, I understand, but you are laughing. I don't wanna be told where I put my turkus. Of course you don't, but I, you are, you are, I understand, but you are laughing. I don't want to be told where I put my turkus. Of course you don't, but I'm telling you, over 18 months of having this couch, I've noticed direct pockets of sag where people are sitting. Well, yes, that's because people like to sit in the same seat. Of course they do. We are creatures of routine. But I'm telling you, there is a whole theory, and a lot of this started in Norway,

as to how you are sort of, you're moving the bottoms around the couch, and over the lifetime of a couch, you're seeing no sag because people are being respectful. Oh, I hear what you're saying. It's very much like how farmers will have the cattle's graze in quadrants. You have the cattle's graze one area,

then when that's done, you move them over, give that some time to refill, repurpose. Essentially, what I think you're saying is in order to preserve the lifespan of a new couch, one must rotate their tuchus. Not only their tuchus, their guest tuchus as well. It's a whole rotation system. See, that's where you get... I'm not telling my mother-in-law where to put her tookus. Well, unfortunately, then. Unless it's on my face.

Well, there we go again. We just lost the sponsor. What do you think of something like that? Yeah, I think that's great. Are you into it? Yeah. I'm into it. Jake, what are you feeling? I can't get a sense. I can't either. Are you into it?

I am. I'm into it, yeah. I think that I could text that to her in a way that makes it seem like kind of funny and casual and low-key and not let on how particular I'm feeling about the couch. And what would you say in the text? Like, oh, this is so funny. This was on the podcast I was listening to and I didn't even think about this with my couch. But what do you think about just like swapping up where we sit on the couch? We're gonna give you another take of pig lid mo. I like I like the enthusiasm is there. Let's go three

two one You laugh you laugh. It's crazy. No, there's a whole this is a very European thing We were talking about you listen. You do not want to sit in the same spot in a couch over and over again Of course you do it's your routine where and tear you are talking about removing years and value off of your couch So you said value you got me interested explain He's got dollar signs at his eyes ding ding ding ding you do is you basically do what farmers do you have the the butts move So what you do is you basically do what farmers do you have the the butts move After every quarter every quarter of a year you rotate to a new farmers move butts

This is what they do so that cattle don't over graze and ruin the land So you every quarter you have someone move to a new spot on the couch You are talking about getting four times the value out of you're not calling me a cow are you? I'm talking about getting four times the value out of it. You're not calling me a cow, are you? Mreeee! Mreeee! Mreeee! Apparently I can't have a serious conversation with my co-host yet again. Not with me, of course, Mr. Chuckles! You know what else we got to talk about?

Yeah, get into it. What do you think of that? Yeah, I love it. And I actually just remembered that she and I were having a conversation about sustainable farming recently. So I feel like the tie-in with the moving the cows around to create grades in different parts of the pasture will really resonate. Three, two, one, more sustainable action.

You laugh, you laugh, but what I'm talking about is a way to make the life of your couch last four to five times longer. They're talking about this in Sweden, home of Ikea, first of all, and it's very similar to how farmers will have their cattle graze different areas of their land for long-term sustainability. Yes, I've heard of this. So essentially what you're saying is the cow moves to another area so they don't stomp down the grass, correct? They overeat, they overuse it, and then that area... And so what you're saying then to me is the cow being the owner of the couch smashes down a section of the couch and therefore... Anyone could be a roommate,

could be a significant other. But what you're basically doing is, you're now saying- Smashing the couch. For the long-term sustainability of the couch, I'm gonna move. This is interesting. We're all gonna move. We're not gonna have our spot on the couch, quote unquote.

But you could also probably do this, if I'm right, Mr. Mo, with beds, mattresses. You could do it with anything. but people notice with couches. People are sitting on couches. But is this not also a problem with a mattress? It is a problem. It absolutely is. But when we're talking about couches, you need to get everybody who sits on the couch

on board with this. I think it's a fun thing. So everybody out here, as you guys know, we talk about products, we talk about how to preserve products. So everybody listening, do this at home with your family, play a game, and everybody switch seats on a nightly basis for one week. Let's move those cows around. I'm not above a bottom chart.

Pardon me. It's good to laugh. Laughter It's good to laugh. Laughter You know, laughter is the best medicine. We go to sponsors? What do you think of something like that? I think that that was perfect. I think it's going to be a bell ring.

There we go. Well, let's get ahead of ourselves. Three, two, one. What's this one? So let me explain something to you about couches, good sir. Oh, here we go. Oh, yeah. Here we go. I park my keister in the same spot and I ain't changing, regardless of what your new science says. Well, let me tell you this, then you are, why don't you just go ahead and light my couch on fire because you're making it valueless.

Don't tempt me. Far faster than anyone else is. But how am I taking away the value? It's the enjoyment of the couch. You are going to be ruining one portion of the couch one, two, three years later, and then I have a useless couch. So this is, look, all I'm saying is, when a guest comes over to your house, it's not

insane to say to them, hey, sit here, I'm worried about the softness and crunchiness of this area. What did you say? Pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs,

pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs I'm trying to tell somebody you can't sit where you can't do what... You know what I would say? What? Here's a knuckle sandwich. Well, I...

Well, look, what I would tell them is you're going to turn my couch into a deflated sandwich with just two pieces of bread. But your couch ain't a bean bag. It is a shared item, and it's not out of line to ask someone to move because you've noticed the stink sagging in one of the pillows. What about something like that? I think you guys have gone above and beyond. Okay. Three, two, one.

What's this one? I don't even know. All right, look. Let me tell you something. No, Moe, I'm going to tell you something about... I'm telling you something. Oh, yeah, here we go. All right, go ahead. Argue. Go, go. Why don't you do what you always do? Go. I'm gonna do it, pigs.

Okay, Mo, go. Two cows and a farm. You move them so they don't smoosh the grass. Am I right or am I right? You're right, okay. What is your point? So that's all I'm saying about the asses. When your little ginger ass comes to my house, you sit in the same seat. Watch your mouth. You sit in the same seat. Watch your mouth. You sit in the same seat. Because it's a great seat.

And what you're doing is you're creating a dent. Well, what do you want from me? What do you want? I don't want a butt dent. You want me to come over to your house and ask you where can I sit on the couch? No. I want you to take initiative, you dope, and I want you to move that little butt to one seat to the other to the other to the other like a regular human being. Because a consider a human being, a consider a human being moves their butt.

I'll be honest. Now that you're saying it, it doesn't seem crazy to me to ask someone to kind of move where their butt is a little bit because I'm a bigger fella so maybe I've been squishing it a little too much. Thank you. I am too. We're both big guys. No, we're big boys. But I sit down in the same fucking seat. I'm gonna ruin the fucking couch!

Okay, language. We're gonna get demonetized again. This clip is gonna get demonetized. Oh, hey, take it easy. Hey, Zuckerberg, give me a break. Oh, my algorithm. No, but that's all I'm saying. That's all I'm saying. No, no, no. Now you make a good point. Alright, I'll keep that in mind next time I come over.

You know what we'll do? We'll both move. I won't take the one area I take How about this every time you and I are watching a game we switch seats around? Hey listeners, I think you're thinking the same thing most trying to get me to sit right next to him Three two one What's this one? Ha ha ha! That's the kind of couch I like! Alright, now listen, let me tell you something that is a bit distinct about this situation. Please.

I'm asking you nicely, when you come round my place, do not be sitting... Which I don't like to do. Don't sit on the same spot over and over again. Because what you've done is you've made indentations on my couch. What are you talking about? You've made indentations on my couch. I've you talking about? You've made indentations on my couch. I've not made no indentations. Yes you have. Now all I'm asking you to do

going forward is when you come round scooch a foot to the left. Scooch a foot to the left. That way, you're smushing the sofa. You've been smushing the sofa for a long time. You have. You have. You've smushed the sofa for a long time. You have. You have. You smooshed the sofa.

Look, it's not different than how my father did the farming. You would not have the cows graze the same area. You'd have a move. Let the land regenerate. I'm asking you to let the pillow regenerate. I am fine with that, yeah. Okay, fine. But you don't have to... But hold on, mate. What? You don't have to comment at me like I'm some sort of fucking car smushing grass brother.

Well I got you because you're laughing at my philosophy a bit. No, no, no because you're coming at me so hard bro. Well look, look, look. All I want to do is go to my mates house, have a point sit on the fucking couch, watch the telly and all of a sudden, I'm this fucking bad guy. And I'm asking you to still come round, I love when you're round, I love when you and the mates come round. Yeah but just coming after me like I'm fucking some sort of a scumbag. From now on, don't think of it like a couch, think of it like a love seat because I want love put into that sofa forethought, making sure that that thing has value in five to six years. That's not a knock against you.

Oh you're fucking cheap cunt man, all you ever fucking think about is value. Why do you keep doing, look, Look look I value our friendship as well. I cannae put a price tag on that. I value yours too man but sometimes you come half to me in a way it's not comfortable for me brother. Well why don't I say this then next time you come round will you please just sit in a different spot for a little while and just let one of the couch cushions repair itself. I'd love to. I'd love to. Well that sounds nice. Well why don't you come round tomorrow. I'll buy the pints. We can have a nice set. We'll watch the little footy have a...

I'm sore. I'm walking around at 9 stone these days. Nah. Look. You think I'm... What do I look like? Sylvester bloody Stallone. You look better than me these days. Stop it. Stop it. I like a pint, mate. We all like a pint.. I like chips. We all like a pint. Maybe I like them too much.

Well there's... It's got to the point where you bring me on a YouTube. That's because you're saying I'm smushing your couch mate. No I didn't, I never said smushing. All I want to do is watch a little footy. All I'm saying is I don't want smushing upon me old cushion. I'm doing it as well. I love ya. I love you too and guess what And guess what? Note received.

So I'm asking for it. What about that one? You know, I really love the Scottish accent that Gareth was doing and whatever accent Jake was doing, I loved it all. Okay. So you got all the options. Before Jake counts down again, Marge, Winnie, you have 13 options. What we can do is... I feel really special. I feel like that's the most summer of mulling cake cakes I've ever heard. We just became a sag shoot. So this is what you should do. Nat, maybe we could send her all of these and you could pick which one you like best. I think that's right

Send it to your roommate Play it Let us know where it goes and let us know the clip and we will I think we have a winner I think at minimum we've got a good jumping off point into a bigger conversation Absolutely, I agree. We appreciate the call. Thank you. You guys are the best. Thanks so much.

Producer Sherlock here. This next call is a follow up to episode 80, Identical in Every Way with Max Greenfield. Hi. How are you boys doing? Good, welcome back to the show. This is a follow-up, but we don't know anything else, but I hear a little bit of an accent, and that reminds me of a guy who got his dick

different than his twin brother but I don't know is a fact the floor is yours you are spot-on this is Robert how are you guys the maxi-g well it was because I've re-listened to Oh you're at max's right when you guys did the with every act come together and I was hard That was truly one of the greatest this is one of the greatest problem great This was part of the really so can you remember? Can you remind us your name? This is Robert from Kansas Robert Kansas and can you remind the audience?

What your first call was now, that's also on a rerelease that was a few weeks back, but it's the Max Greenfield episode. I'm sure you've all heard it, but for the fun of hearing Robert talk, Wobby Wob, number two, what's going on? So, a while back, my first son was born. My family was over to congratulate. My twin brother and his wife were there and they come to congratulate us and my wife and his wife got to talking and they said that they wanted to see whether, let's see, but they wanted to inquire about whether we were

going to have him circumcised. And we said, well, yeah, of course. And they wondered why. And I said, well, because my brother and I are both circumcised. And they thought that was the strangest thing. And when we asked why, they said that, well, because my brother Paul, he's not circumcised. And that just floored me. And flooring me again. Yeah, even re-hearing it, it is a very strange little situation. Rob, I can't wrap my head around this. One of you was circumcised, one wasn't.

Yeah, according to what he thought. And we were amongst companies, so I just kind of let it go. And yeah. So what? Actually, that's not true. I wouldn't let it go. I think processing in real time, that is also difficult. I mean, you don't have the- I mostly do that out loud.

It's true, actually. You do. It's a bit. It's true. I'm going this. Hold on. Yeah. Hold on. You have twin boys, you decided to do one with one hog and one without the other hog? Why? Why would you ever choose that in a million years? Even hearing it back.

To say slice one, the other one, let it ride? Is it like a $5 fee? Also, slice one, get the other one, let it ride. Is it like a $5 fee? Also, slice one, get the other one free. It's like twins. Yeah, it really is. It's like an experiment to be like, what is it like for life with the two different dicks? And then you would need to go say to each guy's wife

if they were also twins. What do you think? Yeah, right. How does it fit? Is it good? Is it better? So keep going, please. So that's the kind of thing that you can't really

get out of your head and that stuck with me for a while. I kept wondering and wondering what was going on. And that was when I started listening to your show. I was like, man, this is a tricky one. I need some help with this. And- I agree with your thought process. So I called in and we had some very interesting ideas

that we come up with between us and Max. Which one did you, what did we come up with that you liked, Rob? I think the one we went with was trying to get a peek in a in a restroom somewhere. I'm shocked that's what we came up with. Our pitch was you gotta just sneak a peek at his dog? You gotta go to a bar without the dividers. Have a couple pops, right? I don't know if I'd recommend that again. It is interesting sometimes when we hear it back. Yeah, I wouldn't recommend trying to look at another man's heart, especially a twin brother.

Okay, so Rob, is that the one you liked? That was the... Yeah, we pitched some other stuff. That was the one that I was the most sensible to me. Some of the other ones that were pitched included getting him intoxicated and having him remove his clothes, which was a bit... I believe that was a max. See, that's the one I would pitch. I believe that was a greenfield.

I like that one. Yeah. Get him drunk and take his denim off. So you didn't want to do that, which I fully understand, Rob. So, hey man, I can't keep hedging on this one because I'm excited. What the hell happened? So I actually, I took your advice and as the days went by, we had some get togethers and a few public places where I noticed he was going to go to the restroom and so I followed him. But I kept running into the whole, the world is full of just the partition dividers nowadays. Barry, man, you just, you nailed the problem with the world these days.

We're all divided in every way. Even our urinals. Even our urinals are divided our urinals are divided. Keep going, Rob. Well, that was a- Don't let your- I'm getting hot and hot on this. Do it in Scranton tonight. Well, that was a bit of a dead end.

And- It was, you never saw the hog. I'm just glad you're not calling it a whopper. Thanks for reminding me. So you tried to get him to unwrap the whopper but you never saw the meat? No, never got there. Oh, but you probably in this situation saw the cheese. Jesus Christ, no! No! Or you saw the cheese in your own pants. I can't remember whose circumstances. Remember when you just complimented yourself? There you go, key's gone. Keep going, Robert. Brod! So that was a dead end. My wife and I were talking about it and one of the.

She said, hell, let me see if I can see his whopper. I'll wear a low cut V neck and go over and go, hey, I like the way your brother looks. You like the way he's looking. He'll just whip that whopper out of the wrapper. Whopper's still tough. Rob, please keep going. You're doing great. You're fighting through a lot.

You're doing so good, Rob. I'm doing bad. Gareth is doing pretty good. I'm doing okay, but it looks really good compared to what you're doing. But he's right on the verge. I teetered. I teetered. Robert, we need you to talk.

He's teetering. It's a mixed bag at this point. Agreed. So my wife's sister, shout out Elizabeth, happened to be over. Does she have a nickname? Elizabeth. So no. OK, that's not a nickname, but unless her name is way longer. Who knows the answer there?

She was visiting. And we had her listen to the episode, and she thought it was hilarious. But she had a great idea. Awesome. What would she have? The baby book. Oh, the baby book. Great idea from Elizabeth. Microfiche.

But who prints a photo of the baby? Sometimes you see the baby. That was not a photo, but medical records. Yeah. But the medical record, do you have Whopper Jr. photos? Yeah, but but the medical record do you have whopper jr. Photos? It's not a serious it's a little bit of a serious question Robert In the baby book are there dick pics of the babies?

Because I don't remember that I think you I think if you want my family's picture you could find a picture of my baby dick Maya did you recently took him out holiday and express? You keep calling. Good enough idea to, uh, to follow up on. And so what'd you do? So I had my took my kids to my mom's house, uh, to visit. And while I was there, I just plainly asked. I said, do you have the baby books of me and my brother? I'd like to compare this generally, how big my son is

compared to how big I was, because I was a twin. I wasn't very big. Sorry, I want to get to this. No, he means his whole body, not the whole brother. Sorry, I was like, if you're going to make an excuse. OK, is okay. I think sorry. I was like Thank you, thank you go ahead But I was a Dick size up for sure and then be in using the excuse cuz I was a twin

Okay, and now he when he said cuz I was a twin I knew he was okay keep going Robert that was close so we I love you Top five over there at a job. I love you. I don't know top five for me. You're great I'm top five for sure. You'll be a guy think about long past we're done with this podcast so As it turned out that was also a dead end Okay, how so the because the whoppers had rappers there was no information in there whatsoever about it Interesting there's no circumcision record or anything

No mention of interesting Okay, so then what happened? So I was kind of getting to the end of my rope at that point. I wasn't going to ask him to take his clothes off in a public place. Sure. Yeah, but we're not at the end of the rope here yet. This is chapter two, Rob. I feel like there's more. We're getting to the bottom of it.

Oh yeah. If he, Rob, if you haven't already, we're pitching. Fly to where you live and take his pants down in public. We will make this happen, obviously. No one's asking you that. We're not there yet. So, you know, everything's on the table. Go ahead.

We'll never be there. Whenever you're ready and, you know, there's a nuclear option. Him and his wife and I all went to a concert together. And on the way back, I thought this was as good an opportunity as any. And so I just straight up asked him. Wow. Hold on, hold on, hold on. But why after a concert is that as good a time as any?

Because it was him and his wife and myself. It's not a reason. That doesn't add up to me. What was the concert? So you're with Hayman. What's the concert? Yeah. The concert really was irrelevant. Excuse me. Robert, this is a safe place where we share with each other. By the way, I'm with you Robert. Who cares about that question? Even though I did when he asked. You turned so fast. I just got to sell you out. So yeah, but I I care too. And so I asked you hadn't been alone with him and his wife.

Well, I wanted it was it was perfect in my mind because having her there was just help clear things up even more. Okay, because she would know it was is it all kind of started with her and my wife? Sure. she didn't know what was going on either And so I thought this was a good time as any so I started just straight up asked him and it was that it got him Off guard to be Rob Rob Rob Rob Rob Rob Rob Rob. Can you? Can you remember how you said it and just say it so we can hear what happened in that car ride? Oh, I don't remember. But just paraphrase as close as you can get. I mean, it was it was probably pretty, pretty blunt.

Let's hear it. Let's all close our eyes and pretend we're in that car. I'm trying. Concert, maybe country. Might have been. Doesn't matter that. I think. Could have been C&C Music Factory.

I set it up kind of like, but whenever they were over, I said, well, are you thinking about having another kid? And I said, if it's a boy, you're going to have him circumcised. And they said, no. And I asked why. They said, well, if it's a boy, you're going to have him circumcised. And they said no. And I asked why. They said, well, because he's not. And I said, are you sure that you understand what you're talking about? It would be a fly on the wall.

You can never go back in time and people are like, I'd kill Hitler. I can go back in time. It would just I'd kill Hitler I can go back in time I just need to sit in the back of that car Just be invisible just have like a little thing of popcorn A cold beer just be like this is why I want to go back to time travel You know what you're talking about and the guy driving going I think I know what I mean what I'm talking about Circumcisions where you have your penis cut by the doctor. No, that's not about circumcisions where you have your penis cut by the doctor. No, that's non-circumcised. I can't wait.

So then what happened? Well, I just could not get through to him that what his understanding of it and mine were completely different. It wasn't an in-depth conversation or anything. But I said, do you understand what you're talking about? And maybe he was a little embarrassed with his wife there, but they were both on the same page as far as, yeah, we know what it is. And they kind of held their ground on it.

So they still contend he is not circumcised. And they, you felt to your satisfaction, ants have an understanding of what that actually is. Well, by the end of the car ride, when we got back home, the wheels had been turning, I assume. And so he said, yeah, I'll do some more thinking and research about it and I'll get back to you. Research. And I said, okay, that's fine. And it's a bit of a letdown, I'll admit, but he messaged me the next morning and said,

yeah, it turns out you're right. But you're right all along. He just didn't know what circumcision was. Neither him nor his wife. This is the best. This is wheelhouse for our show. Look, honestly, while it is, like you always say, we read 15 miles to do a block, but it's better than not having the text.

This is great. You want to know, Gareth, we say this sometimes, we've had a couple people on this show, Rob, and I'm not teasing you because you're one of us here, but we've had people on this show who are like, grad students getting their doctorate, and we pitch things and they're like, no, I don't enjoy that idea.

We go like, you might not be the right kind of caller. Rob, you are the right kind of caller. This is the right kind of caller. Completely. This will be when I'm doing press and somebody goes, oh, you are doing a podcast. I go, yeah, it's called Weird Hered Album. They go, what's the premise? I go, these are the right kind of calls. A guy who's a twin thinks that his big brother said that he was not circumcised, but he's there. And then in the end he goes,

you know what? I just don't know what circumcised, but he's there. And then in the end he goes, you know what? I just don't know what circumcised is. Also to frame it as let me do some research. Bravo, man. Let me do some research. Google, what is, and then he goes like this, oh wait, that's what mine looks like. I mean, literally, if you Google circumcision, you'd be like, oh, there it is, that's the end of your research.

There's just two opposite type of hogs. You either get the skin or you don't. Incredible turds. So you guys, in the end, you're both circumcised. Right. And his wife didn't know. Imagine being the third party and also not knowing. They just don't know what the term means.

They're perfect for each other. To have two people come together and believe that circumcision is when there's no procedure. Hey, Gareth, ring the bell. It's going, baby. It's going. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. This is a victory.

It really is. It's also so, I'm gonna think on this for a lot longer than this call. This ending is very strange. I think I got to say to me, Rob, it's a bullseye really quickly before we go. How's everything going, Rob? Everything is great. Do you feel peace now with this in some capacity?

Yeah, yeah yeah I do. Yeah, it was a... That's great. I think it was a more fun way to go about it than just point blank asking him. That's the show in the wheelhouse. Absolutely. Thank you Rob. Bless you.

You guys take care. You too buddy. Bye. Jake, do you need a break before we let in the next caller? Why, do I seem like I need one? He's got a toilet under his desk. He's got a toilet under his desk. You didn't go to the bathroom when Gareth and Jack did. He's got a desk toilet.

I got a diaper. Yes, I'll go. All right. Oh my God, his shorts. I can't wait to talk about his shorts. American flag shorts. I like the way the sun's just coming in right there on your face, Natalie. That's nice. Jake, nice shorts.

Everybody's talking about them. Thanks. Are you going swimming later? Jake, it's fine. Don't worry about it. No, but you're right to say that. Don't worry about him. You're right to say that.

Merch. We look when you bus, man, I don't have a comeback. They are a swim truck. No, I like that you own it. It's very good. I'll mostly push back, but that's pretty good ownership. It's just reality. She got me. Yeah, yeah. And I did think about it.

By the way, that's why she was like, go PJ. She was like, something weird is going on. She knew something was up. I won't tell you. He was so reluctant to get up. He was like, why? What do you know? What did you hear? Not accurate. What did you hear?

No, this has been an annoying day because I'm getting so many texts. So I keep seeing them. So I use the break, but I did think when you said go to the bathroom, while I stood up, I thought, yo. Oops. Oopsie.

But I had fully forgotten what I was wearing up to that point. Whoopsie. But I did have a yo. Uh-oh. Not ideal. Hey. Oh my God. Okay.

You guys ready? Yeah. Boy, we definitely shouldn't tell the caller about the shorts. We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question at HelpfulPod at gmail.com. And if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here to Help, you can go to our Patreon at patreon.com slash here to help pod to see our entire catalog.

We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grimm Productions, executive producers Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter and Natalie Hollis, associate producer Jesse Thurston, editing, mix and master by Chris Fowler. Themed song by Oliver Raleigh, the cover artwork is by James Fostike, animations by Andrew Stralecki, and if you'd like to see Gareth do stand up on the road, go to garethrentoldes.com. Remember all the advice given on We're here to help is for entertainment purposes only and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions. Hey, I'm Tony Hale.

I'm Matt Oberg. And I'm Kristin Schall. And we're going to be hosting the new podcast, The Extraordinarians, where we are going to be interviewing extraordinary people, doing extraordinary things, things that we have never and probably will never do. We talk to people who have broken records on slacklines suspended by hot air balloons. We're talking to people who have done multiple flips on trampolines. You'll have to tune in to find out how many flips they did.

Subscribe to Extraordinarians on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Pocket Casts, or wherever you get your podcasts and watch me. God in three. Watch it on the YouTube. There's new episodes that we release every Wednesday. We do. I've never seen you cry before. I know. I don't know how I feel about it. This is upsetting for all of us.

They don't let us pray cry before. I know. I don't know how I feel about it. This is upsetting for all of us. They don't let us prank for lunch. They do. The podcast is so competitive, they make you just talk and talk. Guys, we're watching a spin out. Please subscribe. Oh man. Extraordinarians. All video episodes of season one are available now on Patreon, and season two video episodes

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