We're Here to Help - 173: Boyfriend Doodies & Pro Boner Advice (with Jameela Jamil)

Episode Date: May 21, 2025

Friend of the show Jameela Jamil joins Jake and Gareth and things get wild. First, they help a caller solve a mystery in the shower. Later, a reproductive health worker wants to discourage her guy friends from sharing private issues off the clock.Check out Jameela's new podcast "Wrong Turns"Want to call in? Email your question to [e-mail]: https://patreon.com/heretohelppodMERCH: heretohelppod.comINSTAGRAM: @HereToHelpPodIf you’re enjoying the show, make sure to rate We’re Here to Help 5-Stars on Apple Podcasts.Advertise on We’re Here to Help via Gumball.fm See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This episode of We're Here to Help is brought to you by Gemini. Oh, Jake, it is. To us, Gemini was an American gladiator. But not to the kids of today. We're talking exams, essays. This is stressful stuff. We went through it. We were on our own. But Gemini is offering something really great for college students. So if you are a listener of We're Here to Help and if you want a little extra help, Gemini Advanced is now free for college students in the United States of America. Sign up before June 30th and you'll get free access all the way through spring finals

2026. So Gareth, when you use Gemini, which we both use, what do you use it for and what do you like about it? There's sometimes like if there's a topic that I think I want to do stand up on or if there's sometimes like if I'm writing something for my other show, it's just like a way to kind of have something. It just gives you all the information and right away you go, oh, OK, now I actually get this. Now I can personalize it. Visit Gemini.Google slash students to learn more. Terms apply.

The new McRispy strip is here. Dip approved by ketchup, tangy barbecue, honey, mustard, honey mustard, Sprite, McFlurry, Big Mac sauce, double dipped in Buffalo and ranch, more ranch, and creamy chili McFlurry, Big Mac sauce, double dipped in Buffalo and Ranch, More Ranch, and Creamy Chili McCrispy Strip Dip. Now at McDonald's. What's going on with your skin, Gareth? You've done some sort of salmon sperm facial. Why do you look so amazing? I've had a salmon come on me. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah. Amazing. Do you just wank it off in the supermarket? I buy it. I bring it back here. I have a tank where, and then I have a separator. I don't want to get into it, but I have a tank for the sperm separator. Now this is the intro, Gareth, we're just in it. Let's get started. We already started. We were just talking about your show, Jamila. You're with us here, Wrong Turns.

And we were talking about how fun it was. Oh, we just laughed. Thank you. So, it was such a fun time. Yes. I think it was one of my favorite hours of my life. Genuinely, it was the most fun. You three are absolutely fucking hysterical. Eric Alstein's an absolute maniac.

He's a monster. Yeah, I love him. I'll crush him. He's a large force. When he gets cooking. When he's cooking, really, you do have to step out of the way. I can't remember what I said, but I took him to a place that was so filthy in that hour that he was stunned by me at one point and I felt like I'd really achieved something. No, that's good.

That's a very good sign. I feel like he's got a high bar for shock and I made it. I lived to find the line. So your show is Wrong Turns? It's called Wrong Turns, yes. And it's people tell stories that they've had a wrong turn in life? Yes, they do. It's basically celebrating all of life's big clusterfucks, and especially the ones that have no inspiring afterthought, no pearls of wisdom.

There's nothing game. There's no silver linings. I just feel as though I've overdosed on optimism from the internet and how every terrible thing that happens to everyone has to have a fucking positive outcome. And so much of the time, it doesn't fucking end that way for most of us. All right? Sometimes we're just soaked in humiliation sperm. And so this is, this is a podcast for those people. Yeah. That's why Gareth is glowing.

Is this what it is they're saying you're putting, uh, I didn't want to miss it. That's why I jumped in, but I didn't want to end it. You're saying you put salmon sperm on your face. Yeah. He doesn't, he doesn't, he doesn't get it. He doesn't get it. He doesn't get it. He doesn't do it in a clinic like the other people on TikTok. He just wanks off a fish in a supermarket. And not a lot of people know that salmon sperm swims against the pee hole. So it actually comes out the mouth. It's a whole ecosystem.

Nobody's ever thought of it. So are the salmon alive or dead if you're waking them off in a supermarket? When I'm done, we'll be right back. Jesus Christ. You wank them off to death in a supermarket? No, no. Like I said, I come home, I have a tank, and then it separates it. It's a long-actually term relationship.

Yeah. Well, you don't want to... How many fish you got in that tank? I got six salmon right now, but but two to full ejaculate. Isn't it amazing that people are actually injecting salmon sperm into? I didn't know that was actually a thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You thought I was just hitting on you or something?

Yeah, I know. I thought you did pitch to bit. I thought it was a good pitch. No, no, no, no, it's real. It's real. It's someone did. How do you figure out that that works. Exactly. This is how I feel about the flavor of vanilla and raspberry and strawberry, which often when they say natural flavorings, the flavor comes from a gland next to a beaver's anus. How the fuck? Wait, hold on. Say that again. gland. Can you do that one more time for me?

There's a gland next to a beaver's anus. I spend a lot of time on my own, okay guys? Googling this sort of thing. There's a gland next to a beaver's anus and some of the flavorings that come out of it taste a whole lot like raspberry, strawberry and vanilla. So sometimes when you're eating things that are flavored as that, you'll see natural flavoring. Hold on, hold on Sherlock Sherlock You fact check this I'm gonna find out

Here's the beauty of the internet to me. I am NOT positive that the anal gland of the beaver when when squeezed out he's like This is true Human this is not you got to admit that is too far Because you almost had me going like amazing we have the internet to be like has anyone giggled it Sherlock are you doing it? Yeah, sorry. I'm going down the rabbit hole. Yeah, it's the beaver hole a beaver hole. I don't know. It seems pretty real There's a lot. Oh, there's a lot. Yeah, there's a lot my

history of flavoring food with beaver butt juice Okay, first of all, I want to say with beaver butt juice. Okay, first of all, I want to say to you, I'm sorry. I am sorry. I was wrong. You are right. Wow, that's shocking. Did not see this ending this way.

Kind of a right turn, you know? This is a right turn. What a time to molest the beaver. Holy cow. So you're right. So somebody was eating the beaver's ass and went like don't tell anybody and then went like motherfucker yeah Would you take a lick of this that tastes like strawberry? Yeah, and then they all thought it was one magic beaver

They're like no it's that one and then it died and they're all like no They're like, oh one of its kids till, oh my God, it's got another rapper. It's like the Dalai Lama. Oh God, you're gonna get me canceled before my podcast even comes out. Stop, it's fine. Give a shit. Here's my question for you though, really fast.

And this is, we all have one of Google Astro's. Well, the Beaver community is big online. Okay, go on. It is. You know who's a big community online is the people who don't... Okay, so I tweeted a few years ago back when I was still tweeting against my better judgment and the health of my publicist that the Met Gala without Rihanna is like sex without an orgasm.

And the people who don't or can't have orgasm community, huge online. Really? Came for me. Said I was dismissing their experience. They finally came. Yeah. Wait, there's a big community of people who just can't have orgasms? Yeah, they can't have orgasms for some reason. And, you know, no shade to those people, but they are a big angry mob.

They've got a lot of energy. Yeah. Yeah. They're really, they're holding in a lot. It's really funny that people who can't come are really angry. I know. It's really... Yeah.

But I think that's everyone. They just need a little relief. I think that's everyone. 100%. I think that's everyone online. I think that's everyone who says a mean thing, anyone who writes a nasty Yelp review, it's always someone who has forgotten to masturbate that day. And in my head, I'm just imagining them just like fucking bursting full of cum.

So definitely not Jake. Yes, so. No. The non-Jakes of the world. How do you think Garret's face gets so glistening? Please, Jake, hurry. One thing I promise you, he doesn't have any salmon. Jake and I are in the same house right now.

That's why I always look tired and he always shines. Yeah, Jake's empty and I'm in the same house right now. That's why I always look tired and he always shines. Yeah, Jake's empty and I'm loaded. It's the fountain of youth. You keep getting younger and I keep reading on and I'm like, what's happening here? You're like, no, it's a good deal. Quiet, Jake. It's a good deal. Just give me the seed again.

Yeah, your dick is the painting in Garrett's basement. By the way, Jake, there's a little area near your asshole that tastes just like straw Do you ever notice that if you imagine pitching that to somebody? So I want you to my asshole but now for the reasons you think but be where natural flavorings All right, cuz you have no idea what the fuck But here was the question I wanted to ask before if you don don't mind. Sure. No, I'm an expert. We'll get to a call very soon. Go on.

We've all gone down wild roads on the internet. I've never gone down that road. How did you start it? What were you thinking? What were you doing? I lived there, Jake. That's the road I live on. Okay.

That's where. I bet you have a wild Google search. All my mail comes in. You know what? My Google searches have been so crazy that one time I panicked and threw my laptop in the River Thames in London. What? I can't believe this is true.

I didn't understand the cloud. You know, I didn't know this. I couldn't find it anyway. Cloud meet river. Yeah, there is a Macbook 13 Pro or something in the River Thames at the bottom by the Infantment Bridge. So hold on, hold on. I have to...

So you're looking at the internet, you're Googling, you're getting weird. I was making a documentary about porn and so I was having to research porn. And then Jake does it every day too. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Jake is studying for his documentary. Curly hair, ginger beard. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Jake is studying for his documentary. Curly hair, ginger beard. Yeah, exactly.

And I saw things that I think I just wasn't supposed to see, and I was like, what if I die and then people find this? I don't believe in the whole history, you know, I don't think it really means anything. No, it doesn't. I think it's a con from the police. Of course it is, because you watch it on the detective shows. Yeah. Which in another life I was a homicide detective in the Netherlands. That's not about this moment though.

But we got to take a call. Yes, they can't. Okay, let's take a call. All right. Boy, that was awesome. In another life I was... Yeah, we got to go. All right, let's roll.

Action. That's every first date. Every first date. That was my dating experience. All right. All right, let's roll. Action. That's every first date. Every first date. That was my dating experience. All right, let's do it. This episode of We're Here to Help is brought to you by the one and only Squarespace. Let me put it like this to the audience.

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Hello. We're great. We're just, Jake was in the momentum of talking about how he could be a detective in New Orleans in another life, and our producer Sherlock Jones, who doesn't tell us, get going. Well, this body been here for about 30 hour. could be a detective in New Orleans in another life and our producer Sherlock Jones isn't told. Get going. Well, this body been here for about 30 hours.

Stop. And to begin, if you don't solve a case in the first 48, you ain't got a case. Jake. You got 48 hours. Jake. You really do have 48 hours. Stop.

Cause if you don't solve it in the first 48, you ain't gonna get yourself a case. Stop your enabling, no, everybody shut up. Hey baby girl, tell me your name. Jake! And, hey honey, honey, and where the hell were you 30 hours ago? And why you looking so good in that denim? What are you talking about?

Sorry I don't have a left leg. Okay, this is what happens when you watch too much PornHub at the same time as CSI. No, 48 hours. This is what, yeah. No, 48 hours. Yeah, this is... It was 48. Yeah. Well, you can hear we have a guest.

You have Jake and I, but you obviously have a great guest too. We have the great Jamila Jamil is joining us for this episode to help... Hello! ...guest helper. She's back! So Courtney, Courtney, listen to me. Courtney. Don't fuck this up.

I'm listening. I'm here. Okay. I know Hey Courtney, did you know that beavers butts tastes like strawberry Courtney? What's going on? What can we help you with today? So I'm an active listener of the show So I'm actually calling on behalf of a friend because she is not but her problem is right in your area of expertise So I felt like it needed Yes, this is a first it actually is about the anus so that goes crazy um Courtney guys Courtney. I think we may have lost your friend. Does she know to stay on the in the waiting room?

She actually had to get off because she is bad at time management. So she told me to just go ahead and kind of like solve this out for her and she will take the advice as it comes. Got it. Okay. Well, let's see what happens. Let's see how to get off. Yeah, this is highly unorthodox. Yeah, I know. It's really weird. And I told her that she should definitely stay on but she was like I have to go and I Said okay. Well, I'm just gonna do it then. So

Okay, well what is your friend's what what should we call your friend? So we can call her Jocelyn. She gave me the okay to use her name. Okay, what's going on with Jocelyn? So Jocelyn is dating this guy. He is a professional hockey player and he is super emotionally unavailable and kind of a big baby. But the problem is that he has been leaving these deer-sized turds in her shower when he spends the night. So like she'll go into the bathroom the next morning after he's been there and spent the night and find like these little

pebble sized turds like in the drain. That's insane. So it happened once if she brought it up and said that this is pretty crazy. Like what is this this because she actually ended up touching it first because she thought it was one of the like gel Gatorade tablets that you eat because he eats I don't think so. I Understand touching it but confusing it for Gatorade is even a jealous is off. OK, it's crazy.

Right. So she found it the first time, mentioned it to him kind of. And he just like played as though he didn't know what she was talking about. But now it's happened again. And she wants to like get out of the situation entirely but not before addressing the shit in the shower. She wants to exit this relationship or whatever we call it and but find out why before she leaves why he's deer pooping in the shower. Is that right? Sorry, I just need to start immediately with the fact that I'm not familiar with the turd of

the deer. That's shocking too. Is it? I know. It's really just the beaver that I focus on. Exactly. But did you say like tiny pebble-sized, please? Sort of like a rabbit?

So do they have just tiny arseholes? Little balls. Why are they? I would imagine they would be doing like logs. Yeah, same. What are their diet? Probably the diet. Probably the diet, not enough hydration, who knows? I wouldn't call it a negative thing, Courtney.

I think they got a pretty good diet. They've been around for a long time. It's very rabid-y, I'm looking at it now. I think they're eating a lot of grass. I think they got a pretty smooth digestive tract that just pops out little marbles. And I think the reason why you probably didn't say rabbit because it's similar sizes. A deer, the rabbit looks very grainy.

The deer one from what I'm seeing without getting too in the weeds looks very reminiscent of regular feces but just shaped differently. Courtney, just to get us on track a little bit here because this is actually, I was a little disappointed at the beginning. I don't like the idea of secondhand your friend Jocelyn I want to tell you Jocelyn because I know you're listening I know you're not busy you got nervous and and I'm not into that Jocelyn So first of all, we're gonna need a follow-up with you

You're gonna have to call back and you are gonna get scolded. She's on the show shit list. Yeah, but part of this show But part of this show Jocelyn as you know There are scoldings and you got to get scolded because this is your problem All right, you came onto this goddamn community and you ran so Courtney. Thank you for doing it. Yeah But basically what we got here is we got a professional hockey player and Courtney do not take Jocelyn's back take our back What team does he play for Wow? I actually don't know they Do Courtney if you know the man shits in a shower, you know what colored Jersey he puts on I

Want to say it's blue, but I don't know okay. You really don't Jake's just trying to solve this in the first 48 hours otherwise Falls apart I agree and sometimes you gotta go you gotta go hard in that investigation absolutely You tried Jake's just try to solve this in the first 48 hours. Otherwise, we believe the case falls apart I agree and sometimes you gotta go you gotta go hard in that investigation. Absolutely You really do or you'll lose it or you lose it. So you watch first 48 to I Do it It's an awesome show Courtney. Did you say that? Emotionally unavailable and he's shitting in her shower

Yes, that's the crazy part to me. I was like, why are we not putting a stop to this? That's a leader. That's a leader amongst men. He's a hockey player. He's probably got a good body. He probably knows what to do with it. He can handle himself on skates. So I'm sure in the bedroom she's like, I'm not disappointed in the way he's sliding around in here. The problem is, is he's got something going on either as a power play or his body's all sorts of jacked up and he just takes

dumps in the shower. He doesn't even know what he's doing. It's gotta be. Yes. Courtney, is he an alcoholic? Yeah, that's a good question. He is not. He is like a social drinker. He's not an alcoholic or anything. No, this is IBS. I think it's very clear. You think? I think this is... But I do think there is a revenge poo element of it. It feels too deliberate. The fact that it's not in the toilet. She's got a toilet. She owns a toilet. Yes? Yes. I'm an answer for right next to this shower for sure Oh, that's the problem. That's very confusing. Yeah But you know the real question there was does she own a toilet, but she's got a shower

Yeah, that was one of my questions I just wanted to know like, you know, I wanted to make sure this young man had options You know, you ever been with a guy and he doesn't have a toilet I'm from Pakistan, you know I'm from Pakistan, you know, it's not beyond the realms of possibility. I'll keep my mouth quiet. So I think I'm also I find it very funny that she but he's still around like it would be very easy to get rid of this man because he's so emotionally unavailable. Can you explain more about how he's emotionally unavailable? It's extraordinary. I'm really amazed by this man.

Yes. So he's emotionally unavailable in the way where he's not really trying to commit despite the fact that Jocelyn is providing all of the girlfriend duties, but without the girlfriend title. I mean, beyond. So she's, uh, yeah, in the shower. She's doing a forensic cleaner and even cleaned it out. So yeah, she's going to do it. Wait till he comes back in town.

So Courtney, what is girls? What does girlfriend duties mean? He's done boyfriend duties. Oh, yes. So the girlfriend duties. You were holding in the laugh about that one. But you got it out like a god damn throw. You got it out perfectly. You got it out perfectly. So what does that even mean, Courtney?

What does Jocelyn do? Just has sex with him? Cooking for him, cleaning up, inviting him over, like introducing him to her kids, you know Yes, how old are her kids? Yeah, you fucking tell this Jocelyn to get on the fucking call. What is her problem? texture, right Courtney she just jumped off because she didn't want to be on the call, right? It wasn't cuz she had something to do listen guys She jumped off because she had sex with this man again after the first time he took a shit in her shower

That's why she's a humiliating should yes Courtney will you text her right now say? Jake's getting a little bit hot, and he's ruining the vibe any chance you could hop on I Will do that right now. So, will you send us the screen grab of... Yeah, say, Jamila is very disappointed. Say, Gareth seems fine. Yeah, Gareth is pretty steady.

He seems steady. It doesn't seem to be triggering him. He's trying to figure it out. He's fine. He's ready to pitch. He seems okay. Do you know why she continued to see him after the first time she likes him as the bedroom activities were fulfilling. I told

you that's what I said. That's what I said. You did. You were right. This is very obvious. Yeah, this is. Yeah, it must be that good to come back around after Before I was married I used to shit in every woman's shower and they kept going back I don't think they did also what also no as long as when you leave the bedroom She's laying there just going like like looking up in space you get right in the shower You do what you got to do and then you leave and you go go Sorry for the mess and she goes in my pants. It actually does raise a very strange Question about the chronology of what's happening in there

Because he must be deer pooping at the end of the shower Because if you were to be doing it during the shower on accident, the water would break it up Unless there's more and the water would break up most of it. It's ceremonial, isn't it? It's ceremonial. It's like, it is, there is, my, my, if we're trying to get inside the head of a killer, I'm going to say that he is doing this in some way for status. So this is like, this is like a burglar who takes dumps in the toilet and doesn't flush. Yes. Yes, that's what I said. Crap burglar. Yeah.

He's saying I was here. He's marking his territory in a new and innovative way. I'll also buy saved. He does like her. I think they have a future. Speech at their wedding. I knew that my boy Troy was in love when he took rabbit poos in her shower. He kept deer crap.

Harris, do you think he's shitting like sort of where he's standing or do you think he's making a concerted effort to squat over the drain to then release the pebbles? I think it has to be aimed over the drain. It's a drain aim. Yeah. Because, because otherwise there would be a sloppier situation, but he is, he is aiming. Do you think he has a goal? Okay, hold on.

Do you think he can control these little deer pellets coming out? You can't determine the size of pellet. He is, he is like a Hershey's kiss machine. He is being very careful. He's dropping a baby and baby and then he's leaving. And I guess he's maybe, look, again, I mean, we're talking about, we walked in on bloody walls and a severed head.

I can't get inside what he's actually thinking. I've seen worse. Jimmy, go ahead. I have a new theory, new theory unlocked. Let's go. Okay. Something's not adding up. So they're having a whale of a time in the bedroom. We haven't been given details as to why this man is so, you know, such a hoot, such a riot

in the bedroom. And then he's doing very, like strangely tiny poos for such a large, strong man. I think there might be some significant anal bead play. That's what's happening here. And I think it's slicing up the poos. I think it's creating tiny, like bead pellets. And that's what's happening here. And I think it's slicing up the poos. Interesting. And I think it's creating tiny, like, bead pellets. And that's what's happening. And that's why after sex, he's going into the toilet. He's a victim. Wow. You went so fast, so hard in such opposite directions.

I know. I'm confused by myself. It's interesting. But I'm just saying that I... But I hear you. But I like where you're at. By the way, I will compliment you because you're throwing out a big wet right now because I'm not positive what Gareth was saying. I hear you, but I'm not sure this is a power play. I don't think it's a cat.

Honestly, I don't know. Victim is interesting. Courtney, what I would really love, and did you send that text to Jocelyn? I did send it to Jocelyn. Did she read it or send it back? Courtney, be real with us. Girls tell each other everything. Was there some bead play?

Courtney doesn't know she wasn't in the sack. You know, I was wondering if perhaps it was more of a dingleberry situation where it just like was stuck there perhaps and like fell out. I don't know. Jesse. Yeah. Can we call Jocelyn if it doesn't answer, can we leave her a message? Just call her and see if her thing is good enough. Can you make sure the audio is good?

But can we call this woman? I can't do this. I can't do this through a second person. It is difficult. It's too good of a setup. We got Jamila. I'm so happy with everything. It's a good first chapter. But we're talking about what she said, which was interesting about like, ain't no, it's like to go like, maybe that's true.

I'm like, this show is not called, maybe we have information. Yeah. We're here to help. If I'm a detective and I walk in a murder situation, I don't want to walk into the apartment next door and go, was there a murder next door? I need to be where the body is.

Yes. But I can't solve a case in apartment 13 if the murder's in 12. Right. But you're not a detective from New Orleans. You're just a guy. So just, just- Why do you have to get nasty? I'm being so nice today.

You are being very nice, but it's just earlier in the call. You're hurting my feelings. But this shouldn't hurt your feelings. That's just reality. What I said is real. He's covered in your cum Jake just like give him a break Come on You got that ginger beer I'm gonna spray all over you

Courtney would you tell me her? I hate it. I can't stop Sorry, did you say my name again? Yeah, what's her number? I's Jocelyn's number? I'm going to put her on speaker here. Courtney really regrets phoning in and I think she thought this was going to go a different way. Yeah, me too. I absolutely don't regret phoning in. No, Courtney's the best.

Jocelyn gets scared. The one thing that's for sure, Courtney, is that we're on your side. Yeah. Oh, yeah. No one else is. We're rooting against the other two. I appreciate that. Yeah.

But also Courtney, if you've watched First 48, which I know we both have, the time is ticking. You know that clock that's there on the right hand corner of the screen? We just don't have time to do this for 40 minutes where it's going click, click, and then all of a sudden we got some kid in here with a white t-shirt going like, I didn't do anything.

Oh, hold on. Sorry, nevermind. Oh, damn it. Someone joined the waiting room, but it's our next caller. It's not our time. It's not our fine. Okay. I have her phone number ready. All right.

Here we go. Is it ringing? Yeah. I'm disappointed in her for not coming on. I agree. We all are. Especially is that this is a woman who was not afraid to get her hands dirty. I'm surprised to see this cowardice from Jocelyn all of a sudden.

I agree. You may have rejected the call. She's done things I could never do. Oh really? It didn't even answer. She's out. So here's what we're going to do. We're going to air this as it goes. And there is going to be a part two.

Jamila, you will be invited. Do not feel pressured. I wouldn't miss it for the fucking world. I need to know what happened to this young man. But Courtney, we appreciate the call. Go ahead, Jamila. What were you going to say? I just love the fact that she's thank you. This what were you gonna say? Thank you guys so much.

Thank you, this was a true dream. We'll get her, Courtney. Yeah. I also just love the fact that she needs to, it's very me coded to clearly want to break up with this animal of a man, but not do it until you have answers. I really appreciate that.

Is animal an insult or a compliment, considering what she does? Both, I think it's both. I think it's both. Great. I think that's what I want to get to because I think what this is partly is I don't like the shit but I like what happens in the bed. And what I'm going to say is you can't have your cake and eat it too. I think they're very connected.

Can you imagine? Something's happening. I think they're connected. That was happening in... When you brought up the thing about the beads, I said like we need more info. You know, I only knew what anal beads were because I was staying at a friend's house and found his big gold necklace and I put it on and then my boyfriend at the time said, I don't think that's what you think that is.

It was a very upsetting way to put it. Courtney, we appreciate it. We're going to talk to you later. We hope you're with us too. And Jamila, we used to go off to the next call. Yes, thank you guys so much. Thank you. What a highlight to go off to the next call. Thank you guys so much. Thank you. What a highlight. I love you guys so much. Thank you. Love you. Thank you.

Bye. Yeah, she's tearing that ass up. That's what's happening. Yeah. Yeah. I know. Jocelyn's beast. Yeah. You know, when a shirt just becomes your go-to? That's what happened when I picked up a few new pieces from Quince.

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That's quince. Q-U-I-N-C-E dot com slash here to help to get free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince dot com slash here to help to get free shipping and 365 day returns quince.com slash here to help. Hey can we get your name please? Hi my name is Jenna. Hey Jenna how you doing? Hi Jenna. I'm doing pretty good how are you guys? Good. Good. Where are you calling from? Are you getting shy? No she'll be okay. Where are you calling from Jenna? I'm calling from Austin, Texas. Great. And about how old are you, Jenna? 28. Oh, you're just a kid.

And what do you like to do? What's a fun Friday night for Jenna? Lately, I've been getting into the old game of billiards. Billiards, great. Have you ever considered reading kind of like soothing meditations or books like that? She's got the ASMR voice. That's what I was just feeling.

I started, as you're talking, I'm starting to feel like things in my body. I want you to like scratch a pine cone or something. Yeah. Did you just say come here, Gareth? Careful, Gareth. Careful, yeah. Careful, yeah.

Save it, Jake, save it. By the way, you're- I'm good for the morning. Hey, Jenner, could you write, could you say really fast, I like to use curling creams in my hair, and Gareth, could you come over here for a sec? Absolutely, shaky boy. I love you, buddy.

I love you, buddy. So you've got the great Jamila Jamel from Rock Turns podcast. She came on our show season one. We did a call where there was a garbage can in the back of a car. And you told a story about farting on The Good Place. Yeah.

I didn't know that that was gonna go viral. And it went, that's what went viral. You were holding gas during an epic scene. I think the Daily Mail picked that up. So it was a sad day. First of all, I want to say we apologize. No, it was my bad. And thank you.

You know what? You didn't even ask me. I volunteered it up. I served it right up to you on an indignity platter. So I learned. We love having you on our showignity platter, you know, so I learned. We love having you on our show, so thank you. I love being here. Jenna, can you now take over and let us know what's happening, where you're at, what the problem is, and take your time? Gladly.

So I work as a nurse in like a reproductive family planning sexual health clinic. You'd be perfect. But outside of work. I'm Phil that Jarrod. Sorry. I'm done. Let me know if you have any extras. That's part of my skincare.

Go ahead Jenna. And outside of work, I mostly surround myself with people not in the healthcare field. So most of my friends are like musicians or artists, which means that I've sort of become their like connection point to like basically like an urgent care person. Whenever something goes wrong, they call me. But in the past few years... Is it a lot of sex-based, is it a lot of reproductive organ-based problems or STDs and stuff that they're coming in with? Well, that's what's sort of starting to happen. So like in the past year, a lot of my friends, specifically my guy friends, have started reaching out. and it always starts the same way.

They'll text me and be like, hey, I've kind of like a personal private question. Can you keep it a secret? Like a medical thing. And then it turns into them asking me about like a bump on their dick or like discharge that they're having. And these are my, you know, it started as my kind of close guy friends, and now the word is kind of spreading.

That I have the medical answers for them. And now when I'm just trying to come home after a day of work, I'll get a random out of the blue text about one of my guy friends' penis and it's becoming a problem in my life. The job never stops. My God. Has anyone reached out to you about uncontrollable tiny poos in a shower? No? I'm not quite yet. I'm waiting though.

Okay. Yeah. We'll get them back on together. So this is a pretty interesting setup, Jenna. And I get why it happens. I think it's pretty clear and I get the position you're in, but what is the specific question we can help you with? My question is, how do I stop being my guy friend's sick doctor? I think we can start with the fact that you've already started taking action subconsciously. Jenna, you've phoned in a huge podcast and aired all of this out. So this is already, it's a subliminal attack. And I really like your style, actually. I think this is wonderfully passive aggressive. You could almost be British with a move like this.

And so I think this is an immense start. I got a pitch. I got a pitch. To prove to be leaky. You got one already. I do. And I mean, because she specifically didn't say medical advice, she said,

guys, questions about their dicks. You gotta laugh every time because they're asking you as a nurse in confidence and they believe it's because you're professional and for you, you're different than other women, even though you're 28 and they're friends because they go, now I'm talking to you as a professional here and they expect you to go, oh, I wouldn't worry too much about that. If they said, Hey, I got this weird discharge and you in caps wrote, ha ha ha ha, lol lol lol lol

ha ha ha, rolling on the floor laughing, thinking about your dick discharging, they'll write back, I'll never ask a friend again. This is something I should go to a professional on, which is true. I can I can I put, um, can I add to that? Please. Just to, just to make it more severe. Yes. I would say screen grab the conversation and send it back to them. Don't send it to someone else. They'll think you were going to send it to someone else.

With your LOLOL. Yeah. This made my day. Thank you. Yeah. Yeah. This, but, but screen grab it because there's nothing when someone sends you a Screen grab of your conversation and then they panic. Yes

Cuz now you know that there's there's been a leak, you know in the chat So I think I like that unfortunately it could end the entire friendship No, it would be an element know cuz they'll write back. They'll write back they'll write back yo yo yo don't share that Then just write back Okay, lol and they'll be like cut out the fucking lol's what about if you don't air that What if you start messaging them about like fictitious? With your about like fictitious problems with your.

That's what I was going to say. I know. Why don't you start retaliating? You know, I just feel like I thought that's what we were doing here. I just write back that I have a labia rash that gets worse when I shower. What should I do? Yeah. Just I know how you feel. That is such a killer idea. If you like that, that Start sending pictures of other people's pussies from the internet, you know? Ew, stop.

From the WebMD section. Gareth, get over here. Jake! No, Jake. God, shooters do shoot. Shooters do shoot. So, that's a great pitch. That last one is horrifying. I'm just putting myself in the guy's position position and of all of the things that we've heard the last one

That was just pitched is the one out of all of them that would make me be like hey Oh, or you know you could also say on the third one Send a pic. Oh My god, and they said They would they wouldn't they? They would do it. They have like tried and I've been like, no, no, I don't need that. And it's like, I mean, as a healthcare professional, your worst nightmare is running into a patient

out in public. But these people are like, I mean like my friend Groovechat and like seeing them. And another moral problem I'm having is I'll be like out at a restaurant and I'll see one of them like on a date with someone. And I'm like, what if they know that he has the drip or whatever. How many of you?

Am I obligated? Is this the 70s? What's going on with your gag friends that they all have discharges and bumps. That's abnormal Pitch to hook up with girls Gareth. I'm not I'm just saying Beautiful you've called me you said I didn't know those because you think of me as a detective. I don't what Stop stop right now. Stop what you were doing before, which was about me, was bad for me. But I'm telling you right now for you to stop.

Deal. So, Jenna, we have some interesting pictures on this one. We really do. We've got the take a screen grab of it and send it back, which I think is shocking. That would really stop me in my tracks. We've got right back about issues that are happening in your pants that they're gonna go like, I don't wanna hear this.

And you go, well, I didn't wanna hear that. And we've also got like, they just really hard, like an LOL thanks that made my day without responding to it. You also could say that you're done doing it because you misdiagnosed one of your guy friends who like ended up getting laser on his penis because of you and now his dick doesn't work

and you're out of the game. Yeah, you could also do the thing that you just brought up about the bar too and say, just so you know, in terms of my profession, I'm happy to go down this road with you, but I would if I see you on a date, it is my professional obligation to tell them. So I can't keep that a secret. I can't know these things about you. And not tell them. Like, you just got to say like as a professional, if you've got, as you call it, the drip, and I see you at a bar, I need to tell that woman that you have the drip.

So I will proceed with you, but everybody needs to know that professionally, I would have to tell the partner you're with. Or just another minor pitch on what's already been pitched. You could say send a screenshot, and I'll send it to my big doctors group chat. And send it to us? Please.

Oh, you know what you could also do? Here's an idea that you could do. Do you have anybody currently writing you? Like somebody wrote you recently? Yeah, like a few weeks ago. Okay, because there is another play and that is if I wrote to somebody, because I've got a friend who's a listener on this show,

Marissa Martinez, shout out, what's up, Martinez, went to high school together, she's a nurse, and when my kids were first born, I would text her and be like... About your dick. Yeah. I'd be like, I've been rubbing it on Garrett's head too much and now his head is rash and so is my dick

and both of our butts are dripping. Do you know why? And she would say, how can I block you? We have different, how do you keep getting through this when I block you? Can we keep the activities going, but get rid of the rash? Can we make no changes?

I'm just bragging. I'm enjoying my life with him. Just texting to brag. But I would text her all the time, like really specific questions and stuff like that. And she would always write back really great stuff. What if you do something different, Jenna? And what if somebody goes like,

hey Jenna, what up, what up? Great seeing you the other night. I've got this weird bump. Do you think I'm good? What if you start scaring them and you go, oh, no, that is very bad. That will lead to, if you don't put cornstarch and toothpaste on it right now, and icy hot...

The bit of cayenne, yeah. ...put icy hot in your chote, and what you've got to do is then you've got to put a little string around your balls and tighten it. If you don't do that right now, it could actually lead to erectile dysfunction. It could lead to a rash. And so that all these guys are doing all this weird stuff. And then they go like, hey, asshole, why'd you say that?

You go, I'm not at work. I'm not your personal nurse. Or send a Venmo request every time. Oh, that's good too. Like a high roller Venmo request. That's good too. A thousand bucks. That's the only thing you respond with.

They send you something about their dick, you send a Venmo request. Another thing, yes. Make that clear now. Because also, you know what? You might find yourself wanting to stay in this dynamic because you're going to make a pretty penny and now you're on holiday in the Bahamas. Or just send a message also on the Venmo when it says for what just say dick advice That's true and make it public make it public

Advice on your drippy dick. Yeah drip dick Jenna where you kind of add a little bit let's hear from you. I I like the Venmo request because then I'm benefiting. Yeah, then you're on the Bahamas. Exactly. And I like the, you know, kind of outing them on Venmo, sort of like a subtle, subtle out. Probably can't do both, but yes. I also like the initials, like laughing, like just big caps. Ha ha ha ha ha.

Okay. And then if they come back again, I think that could end some friendship. But yeah. Can you also scare them out in public? So rather than just threatening that you're going to don't say something specific, but just be like, Hey man, how's the bump? You know, when they're out in the day, how's that drip? How's that drip doing? You know, cause that could mean jewelry, but also it could mean the little hole in the penis. You know, you could also do going off of that pitch,

if I can pitch on that pitch, is if they text you, you go, let's talk about it. Next time we're all out of the bar. That's good. I'm a little busy now. Yeah. Spending less time on my phone. Let's talk about it next time we're all out. I'll bring it up.

Are these guys all like in the same friend group-ish? Most of them are. See, really honestly, if in public, you went up to one of them and asked at a bar something like that, that would probably- What is going on with that drippy penis of yours? Did you try to kill yourself? Yeah, be like, oh, great to see you're dating.

So the drip must be gone. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You have drip must be gone. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Cause it has to, you have to keep it subtle. Yeah. You know what this is? That is right.

They're trying to make something private. You're trying to make it public. Well, you're not their fucking doctor. So you have no oath to upkeep with, uh, when they're at the bar. You know what you do? Yeah. Go ahead, Jamila. I was just going to say that my female intuition tells me that Jenna's going to take the Venmo

option because she hadn't considered this and it's a whole new revenue stream and we're in a cost of living crisis. The market is down. But these fools aren't going to pay. She's going to tariff her guy friends. I think they will pay because what they're paying for is not having to go into a clinic in the first place. They're paying to not have to be seen.

So Jenna, what would you charge for advice like this? What would be a number that you would feel comfortable giving advice on a drippy dick? What, I mean, look, everybody's got a number. I've been saying that since I became a detective. What's your number? What are you talking about? A number.

Jake, what are you talking about? A number. Keep going, Jenna. I wanna say like $35. Are you crazy, Jenna? I know, 35. Hello. I think that $35. Are you crazy Jenna? I think that's good. That is crazy. I would spend $35.

$150 minimum. No, no stop. And you know what? You're gonna go to a rat. If you want to send me a picture, it's double. I would ask a homeless person how my dick is for 150. Well hold on, a lot of weird things got said just under Jake's breath there.

But I think 150, you're saying, don't do this to me. 35, you're saying I'm getting a revenue. Right. Yeah. I'll take myself out to dinner for this. I think it's 50 because, you know, after tax, that is a mere, what, $14? You know what I mean? After agents, managers, lawyers, please. I don't know if doctors have those. We're all in the bit. We all have those. Obviously we all have those. I'm not out of touch.

So Jenna, you're comfortable with 35 bucks? I think I'm low balling, but I think you are. I can't really see Michael charging much more. And this is the type of attitude. I'm sorry to get harsh on you now, Jenna, but like this is the sort of attitude that's got you in this mess in the first place, alright? You're not valuing yourself. Cheers.

Cheers. A doormat is already lying down before people wipe their feet all over it, alright? Bring that price up. For real. By the way, I gotta say I totally agree with you. Fifty seems okay. Fifty is the ceiling in my opinion. I agree.

But if they want pictures, it's going up by a hundred. It's hundred it's a hundred if you have to look at a bumpy drippy day, I agree It's 150 you gotta spend 150 bucks to look at the dick But well, hold on. I I do think you wait. Hold on. You're saying she's got a hundred Jake what's going on here? I spend a hundred and fifty dollars. Jenna's got to pay a hundred and fifty dollars to look at somebody She's not paying she's not paying. No, she's not paying. Oh, she's receiving the money. I thought she was calling it.

She's receiving the money, Jake. Jake, are you really a detective? I honestly, real quick, Jenna, there was something subtle in what Jake said that I think is pretty good. I would go $49.99. For sure. Or $49.95. Best buy him. Best buy him. Or $49.95.

$49.95. Is that actually the different psychological thing? You could do two easy payments of 24.50. Get it when it's hot. I would get it. One last thing I'm gonna pitch to you, Jenna, and then we gotta get to you, because we've given you a lot of great pitches here, and you can get out of this, Jenna.

The other thing is the next time it happens, you email it to the show, and Gareth and I, Jamila, I'll start a text chain with us and we will just respond to the text and give it back to you. And we can do that. The three of us could text each other really fast. And then on the show, we can come back and read what happened that way. So there is a version that there's a longer play, but you've got charge, which you seem to like at 35, we're pitching 49.95, two easy payments.

Talk about it in public, which is a new one that I think is really great. Bring the private public, or just wait till the next time it happens, email the show. I check the emails, I'll grab that email, I'll put it on us, the three of us will write something, we'll send it back to you, you send it to that person and we play another version of this game, which is a bit of an email game. What do you feel like doing Jenna?

I like the latter. You like the last one? I like leaving it up to y'all to play doctor. And listen, if you need an agent, if you need a manager, I'll, I'll start setting the prices. I'll negotiate for you. Do you know what I mean? We all need that.

We need someone to be the bad guy. I like 49.99. I do too. Yeah. So really strong. So Jenna, then tell us specifically what you're going to do. You get a text in a couple of days going like, Hey girl, Hey, I got a bump on my dick.

What should I do? What's your response? I'm I think here's what I'm going to say. I'm going to say, I'd love to help you out. It is I've like, started charging for this. It's around 49.99. Or I have some other people that have been helping me out in this business and I can send them your contact information. Oh my God, Jenna, that's even better than I thought. These people do it pro bono. Pro bono.

Yeah. Pro boner. I would do it. Jenna, that wasn't the pitch I was having. You just evolved it in a way that is brilliant. And here's what's great. Because then we go to them directly through the we're here to help thing.

You're gonna get the money. Perfect name as well. But if you don't, boy, are we gonna have a good time. We're here to help, that's right. And, I mean. The pro boner workers. Yeah. Jenna, it's just, you're such a whisperer.

And then you also, you're so in. She's a silent killer, guys. By the way, your vibe to me is I would ask you personal questions about my genitalia. I do have a question. I'm like, I trust you, I think you're smart, you're cool. I'm like, I got this weird bump, I don't know who to ask. Okay, Jenna, if you get a text from Jake after this show, I want you to let us, yeah, I need to report him. And pretend it's from Gareth and report me. We share an account.

It's technically for both of us, yeah. What Jake has, I have. I think it's pretty good, Janet. I think this, I I think you're probably gonna start generating a little income. I really do. Me too. I think Jenna's gonna be on the front cover of Forbes real soon. I don't know about that.

$350 later. I'm not going to be she's on a Forbes. But at $49.99. So, but Jenna, will you, no matter what, then contact us when this happens next. There's also a big win is you just send us a Venmo where you got 50 bucks. That feels great.

Absolutely. And then everybody knows they'll start spreading it, but I think this is a very smooth, and you could send the text you send back, could be a copy and paste. You do not change it for anybody. You go like, hi friend, I am no longer doing this service for free.

I do charge 49.95, you can do that in one or two payments. But if you do not wanna pay, I've got friends at, Jesse, what's the name of our email again? HelpfulPod at gmail.com? Yes? Helpfulpod at gmail.com. Yes. Helpfulpod at gmail.com, who would love to help. This is what they do. They are professional helpers.

Ignore the word pod in their email. Don't be freaked out by that. These men are not smart. They're gonna think it's a pod that we're sticking together. A medical grid. Right. Physical pod. Medical pod?

Yeah. Like they're space doctors. Yeah. As he's itching the end of his cock. Katy Perry is in there as well. Jamila, your thoughts on that, everything that just happened with those ladies in space? I feel very good about the plan. I feel as though Jenna's grown even during the time of this call. I think she started to realize her self-worth. I think she's maturing right in front of our eyes and it's beautiful to see, to be honest. They grow up so fast, J. Your thoughts on the Lady Astronauts and Katy Perry? Oh, my thoughts on that. Yeah. Please. Just let it rip, girl. What's we thinking? Don't you start editing. I think it's really done so much for womankind, specifically women in America.

I feel different today. I don't know about you, Jenna, but I feel really empowered by the whole thing. I just love billionaires. I think they're fantastic. And I don't know what we'd do without them, other than have healthcare. I hope the Daily Mail is listening to this one because I think we've got another winner. Yeah, yeah, I'm really good. I also like the video. Have you seen the video of them accidentally opening the door too soon and then being told quickly to close it and then Jeff Bezos comes back in with a wrench that he has to pretend to wrench them out of it?

Oh my God. wrench them out of it. And then videos of them in the pod and their hair is not upside down. It's down and perfect. I'm full Woody Harrelson tin hat mode. Those motherfuckers didn't go anywhere. They sat in a Tesla on the side. Wait, do you really believe this? And that cop went up empty and came down empty. Whoa, that's the hot take. Yeah, fucking no one went nowhere. So why do you think they faked it? Why do you think they faked it? Yeah, they came up because there was some sort of, I don't know, they were distracting from my podcast. OK, they're trying to suppress my podcast.

They know it's coming out. They know I'm about to launch. And so they staged a different launch to sabotage me. You know what? This reminds me of on your Instagram, you'll do Daddy algorithm doesn't like my posts. So I get back on the... Taking my tits to the camera. Yeah.

Yeah. So this was, they were doing a fake launch to this track. To sabotage my podcast launch. Okay. They know it's going to be big and they wanted to do something bigger. And you know, I'll give it to them.

They did, but it was fucking pointless. No one went anywhere, okay? They sat in a makeup trailer. They didn't have helmets on when they came down. None of it made any fucking sense, okay? You're right. You know what you could also be great at as a hot corner? Homeless person, yeah.

Sorry, what were you gonna say? No, somebody who just gives real hot takes. You got some hot takes in you. That's a hot take on this. I thought I was just gonna tease Katy Perry for saying like, I feel connected to love or whatever she was gonna say. No, I know. I expected the same old territory. I never even thought this was a fake.

I know. I know. Jenna, what do you think about Jemilla's hot take? I stand with women. I'm standing with her. Then you stand with all women. You stand with women up in space. She stands with women. Okay, not those women. Which women?

She stands with women. You stand with all women? How about the women up there? You standing with them up there? You floating around? You upside down or you on Earth? Up where? I'm on Earth.

I'm on Earth. And I don't know how she got that dandelion up there. That's all I have to say. Interesting. Exactly. Ladies, thank you for the call. See what's happening here? Jenna, I'm excited to be in business with you.

Okay? Jenna, let us know what happens, please. I will. Thank you for the call. See what's happening here? Jenna, I'm excited to be in business with you. Okay? Yeah, Jenna, let us know what happens, please. I will. Thank you guys. Thank you. Well done. What a hot take. Yeah, I'm chronically online.

Good job. Who isn't? That was great. Who isn't? What a hot take. Thank you. This is all I'm thinking about now. It was a fucking fake.

It was a fake. It was so clearly a fake. What percentage do you really believe it's a fake? 95%, I think it's a fake. Amazing. 95%. OK, cool. Get into it.

I'm getting into it. Look at the video of that other woman. I can't remember her name. We went to space. Shit was wild. She looked like Albert Einstein. All right? Wait, are you talking about the woman who was driving across the country?

In a diaper? No. That was my favorite one. That was on Hoops, Gareth. That was, that we did spare that at Hoops. That was the best. Yeah, but it's just none of it made any sense. And some people were like, oh, Katy Perry's hair's too long. And that's why gravity, you know, that's why gravity didn't occur to her or gravity did occur to her in spite of being in a place that had no gravity and yet

Gayle King very short hair also down. Nothing makes any sense. I don't give a fuck. Jake I had a pitch cap move so I gotta go. Oh really? Yeah, I gotta, so I gotta run. It's fine, me and Jake will just keep going. Sorry, this is all I wanna talk about. Yeah, yeah, yeah, goodbye, goodbye, goodbye. Alright, I love you all. Thank you again, Jamila, thank you for doing this. Thank you.

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question at HelpfulPod at gmail.com if you want to watch video episodes of we're here to help you can go to our patreon at patreon.com Slash here to help pod to see our entire catalog We're here to help is produced by rabbit grim productions executive producers Rob Hollis Jeff Porter and Natalie Hollis Associate producer Jesse Thurston editing mix and master by Chris Faller theme song by Oliver Raleigh All should be adults and make their own decisions. ["Bad, Yes, that's now on HeadGum. On our show we chat with people like Brittany Snow, Lucy Hale, Kristen Bell, Margaret Cho, Jake Johnson, and so much more. And we talk about all the things you would talk about with your best friend.

Like your periods. And mental illness. And the food you ate for lunch. Most importantly. Listen to Broad Ideas on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, YouTube, or wherever you listen to your podcasts.