We're Here to Help - 177: Duo Ling-Crow & You Got Nudes (with Nick Kroll)

Episode Date: June 4, 2025

Jake and special guest Helper Nick Kroll are faced with a caller whose dad is talking to crows. Later, they help a caller redecorate her Chicago apartment.Check out Nick's new movie I Don't Understand You, out June 6. Plus, watch Adults on FX, now streaming.See caller images here!Want to call in? Email your question to [e-mail]: https://patreon.com/heretohelppodMERCH: heretohelppod.comINSTAGRAM: @HereToHelpPodIf you’re enjoying the show, make sure to rate We’re Here to Help 5-Stars on Apple Podcasts.Advertise on We’re Here to Help via Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This episode of We're Here to Help is brought to you by Gemini. Oh, Jake, it is. To us, Gemini was an American gladiator. But not to the kids of today. We're talking exams, essays. This is stressful stuff. We went through it. We were on our own. But Gemini is offering something really great for college students. So if you are a listener of We're Here to Help and if you want a little extra help, Gemini Advanced is now free for college students in the United States of America. Sign up before June 30th and you'll get free access all the way through spring finals

2026. So Gareth, when you use Gemini, which we both use, what do you use it for and what do you like about it? There's sometimes like if there's a topic that I think I want to do stand up on or if there's sometimes like if I'm writing something for my other show, it's just like a way to kind of have something. It just gives you all the information and right away you go, oh, OK, now I actually get this. Now I can personalize it. Visit Gemini.Google slash students to learn more. Terms apply. We're here to help.

So we're back. We're here with Nick Kroll. I just did a bunch of propofol before I came in here. Oh, god. Yeah. So then we might hit a period. Propofol is the colonoscopy drug, yes? If you're lucky.

I was lucky, I just had it. Yeah, me too. What'd you think? How many polyps did I find? None, how about you? I don't think any. Now that I think about it, now that I heard you, I don't think any. Well, what they said to me is honestly, was you have a beautiful asshole, my man.

And I went like, thank you. When does the exam start? And he goes, you're in an alley in LA, man. This isn't the place. So, hey, first off, thank you. Once again, thank you. You got some pobs? You can be honest. I can be honest got some pobs? You can be honest. I can be honest about the pobs.

They described it, they said it looked like nerd rope. You know like nerds, when they're all like bunched together on like a long gummy. They said yours looks like nerds on a rope. Yeah, nerd rope. That's bad news. Is it. Thank goodness. I don't know As it goes any news is good news What they say and show business and help

Over under do you think we're gonna be good at this together? I think we're gonna be really good at it I I'm one. Yeah, I'm feeling're gonna be really good at it. I won. I'm feeling slap happy to start, which is problematic. Is it? Yeah, I think it's good. At a Sunday night, my kind of vibe was, I'm in tonight. I got a weird stomach ache, I got a juice stomach,

and I had some weird dairy and a smoothie at year one today. They gave me a free one. Oh, congrats, man. That means you're up $170. What the? Well, it was because of some membership and I go to my wife and I go,

I go, must have been here a lot. Yeah. If they're just giving me a weird. Yeah. Here's a Haley Bieber, a $300 smoothie. You're getting it for free. My daughter got one today. How was it? She said, beyond delicious.

And then because she is a fan of Hailey Bieber, which is exactly what I've planned, which means I've done everything right. She starts as she's drinking, looking like this. And I'm like, oh my God. It's happened. As a culture, she knows as a little girl to be Hailey Bieber means you look like this

as if the Instagram photo's here. Yeah, and you drink it, you're drinking it one way and your eyes are the other way. I'm going the other way. And I would look at her and I was like, she did that. And I was like, wow. Yeah, it worked. The Baldwin's win again.

Thank you so much. Isn't it amazing that Hailey Bieber is Billy Baldwin's daughter? Steven. I'm sorry, I said it wrong, Steven Baldwin. Can you imagine being the least of the Baldwins? Still, what an honor. Number two on the call sheet to Paulie.

You're behind, you're behind. You're behind, but no, who's the fattest Baldwin? Danny Baldwin. Oh, there's the oldest one. He's the worst Baldwin. Yeah, he's the Baldwin that I've always looked at and gone like. He took the hits though. You know what I mean? Like you're thinking he's the oldest? Like he's the oldest one. Yeah. He's the Baldwin that I've always looked at and gone like... He took the hits though.

You know what I mean? Like you're thinking he's the oldest? Like he's the lead blocker. Open it up for Alec. I know, but he took all these stuff. Yeah. Because he's Alec but like 15 too much. Yeah, yeah.

Because he's got a Long Island 15 on him. Yeah, but like Alec can pull it off and you go like, he's really handsome. And then you look and you go like he's really handsome and then you hear it and you go kind of bulky It's a thicker guy if you look at his hands You look at his body like I don't know like he pulls it off in Beetlejuice. Yeah, but at certain angles you go This thing yeah Yeah

Gina Davis and that movie like she's a beauty. Yeah his chest hair and face I go now that's a good-looking man him walking down the stairs. I go that's a kid from Long Island But that's not a kid who grew up surfing. Certain male babes, they grew up surfing, their bodies are perfect. Yeah, yeah. Owen Wilson. Yeah, sure. Owen Wilson falls downstairs at every angle, you go, besides the nose, that guy's a movie star.

Your nose looks a lot like him. I know. I know. But I have Alan Baldwin's body. I have Baldwin's body and Wilson's nose. No, but he's the guy I've always looked at and I'm like, I can't believe you're right on the line and then his poor brother, you go. But you know what, Alec?

You've had discipline. And then, but then Billy, it comes together sleek and like a panther, Billy Baldwin. Too much, right? Too hot? Flatliners, he's too sexy. Yeah. The smile comes too easy. Yeah, the smile comes too easy. Yeah, but it's like, he looks like a murderer.

But my money's on him as far as a life goes. Billy Baldwin's the one. If I had to choose which life I'd want. Yeah. I mean, obviously Alex would be real fun right now. She's the best character on planet Earth. She's one of my all-time favorites. Yeah, she's a real winner.

And now whatever happens on social media, she gets so offended but pretends to with her tone that she doesn't but defends it. Everybody's so mad at me. You're not understanding. This is how I put my foot. Tell them. And then some little kid in the background goes, that's how mommy sits. Have you watched the show?

A little bit. Yeah. I haven't gone deep in it. Yeah. But I've watched it. Every episode, a couple times. But I'm not getting deep. But I don't get deep in it.

I guess I've seen a little bit of it. Yeah. I've checked, have you? I mean, I'd fall asleep to it and then I got a shower screen. So I watched it got a shower. I got a shower screen So I watch it in the shower, you know And then I get and then I you know, I get that I got one of those hotel ones in the mirror All right, okay you ready Rob

It's just on the phone in the shower. It's not you get the plastic bag I don't care. I don't care. It's a great show. Yeah All jokes aside, I know we need to take the call It's a great show. Yeah, but I'm so happy for them. Yes. Oh, she's so lucky This episode is brought to you by Squarespace. Squarespace is an all-in-one website platform designed to help you stand out and succeed online. You want proof? Go to garethrentold.com.

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makes you a little chattier. So grab an Angry Orchard cider today. Don't get angry, get Orchard. Please drink responsibly. This episode of We're Here to Help is brought to you by Hero Bread. Hero Bread is awesome. It's very easy to fit into your lifestyle if you have health goals.

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And Hero Bread is offering 10% off your order. Go to hero.co and use code help at checkout. That's help at H-E-R-O dot C-O. Hello. Hi, can we get your name please? Yes, Nicole. Hey, Nicole, how you doing? Good, how are you doing?

Hey, I'm Nick Kroll. Hi, Nicole. I'm Nick Kroll. Holy shit, really? Yeah. Yeah. Nicole and Nick Kroll. Oh, cool. Well, I'm gonna tell you what, we're also recording at night, Nicole. We never? Yeah. Yeah, Nicole and Nick Crow. Oh, you did, cool. Well, I'm going to tell you what.

We're also recording at night, Nicole. We never do that. It feels different. You never do that? No, we always do like nine in the morning, and that's the truth. Really? Yeah.

Are you guys tired, though? No, we're excited. Nicole, yeah. We're feeling alive. We're recording at night. Yeah, but also, Nick and I have been talking about getting a beer together for 15 years. And this is our first hang that's not at an event.

Absolutely. And we were just talking about the bald ones. And we don't have a beer between us. But he did just get a colonoscopy. Yep. And... Oh, okay. I'll tell you my colonoscopy later, Nicole.

Where the polyps are a real thing. What? Later? Okay. I'll tell you my colonoscopy later, Nicole. Where the polyps are a real thing. What? Later? Okay. I'm constantly worried about life insurance coverage. I won't speak of it publicly. Ha ha ha ha! Nicole! I would love if that was real. And a thing that is always on your mind.

Yeah. I'll joke society, Rob, cut that out. Nicole, how old are you? I'm 32. 32, how old are you? I'm 32. 32, and where are you calling from? Vancouver, BC. Oh, I love Vancouver. Vancouver.

Love Vancouver. Yeah, love everything about Oregon. Nicole, he's joking. Nicole, this is Nicole. I'm joking around., this is Nick Kroll. I'm joking around. He's just doing a bit. Where is Vancouver? I know what PC is all about.

Not Oregon. I know what PC is all about. No, I guess we're similar. We're similar. I gotcha. Nick, really quick, what is it all about? It's about Banff. What else?

It's about Stanley Park. It's about, yeah. It's the best. And it's about, it's about, it's about the Redwoods. Yeah. Yeah. Nicole, what's going on? What can we do with?

What can we do with you? Yeah. What can we do? What can we do? Yeah. What's the issue today, dude? Nicole, yeah. I'm tired, Nicole.

But I'm gonna pull it together, God damn it. I'm excited Nick's here. Let's go, Nicole, what do we got? Yeah, okay, so my dad loves animals, as my whole family does, but loves animals, and over the last 10 years has become increasingly interested with crows. Wait, sorry, I didn't understand that.

Crows. Crows. With crows. Hold on, Nicole, you want more volume? Wait, sorry, I didn't understand. Crows. Crows. With crows. Hold on, Nicole, you want more volume? Wait, Nicole, this is Nicole. Your dad's obsessed with crows? This is Nicole, dad is obsessed with crows, yes. Okay.

And you are? I'm Nicole. And Nicole's dad is obsessed with crows. I'm Nicole, Nicole's dad is obsessed with crows. Okay, sorry, go ahead. Dad loves animals, lately obsessed with crows. Okay, sorry, go ahead. Dad loves animals. Lately obsessed with crows. Sure.

Crows are fascinated. Yeah, they are. Yeah, they are. They are, for sure. They're very cool. And like the session, it started off normally. Yep. Like he was feeding them.

He was what? He was feeding them every once in a while. He was feeding them every once in a while. Oh, feeding them, yes. Yeah. And he would leave out like water for them and stuff. It was feeding them every once in a while. Yeah. And he would leave out like water for them and stuff. There's normal-ish. And then he named a few of them that were coming around the house. Did he name any of them? He named a couple of them. It was Russell

and Judy. Did he name any of them? No, unfortunately. F***ing idiot. Go ahead. What's his name? He's got a Russell. There's Russell, Russell and Judy, but we never knew if they were actually the same crows. You just random crows would be Russell and random crows would be Judy. Okay. But one of them, Russell, and is Russell Crowe, is he? Is it Russell Crowe, right? I didn't put that together. Is it Russell Crowe? I don't know that one. Is it like a heavier? It it Russell Crowe, right? I didn't put that together.

Is it like a heavier... Is it like a heavier... Yeah, yeah, exactly. A heavier crow who makes you listen to his music after rap? Yeah, exactly. He smokes! He won't say his lines! He talks about a nest he was in ten years ago.

Like still be, can still sell a movie, but it's like, it's weird financing. Russell Crowe and then Judy Crowe. What's Judy Crowe? What's Judy Crowe? Why did he write the name Russell Crowe? What's Judy Crow? What's Judy Crow? Yeah. Why did he name Russell Crowe? Did he name him? That's shocking. Nicole, do you think he did it because of the actor Russell Crowe?

Or is that just? 100% not. Not? Oh, OK. No. No. Not. That's why I was with her.

I think you just found out. Oh my god. I just thought she was like, I mean, wow, that's amazing. No, I was with her and you just fired back. Oh my God. I just saw it. She's like, I mean, wow, that's amazing. No, I was with your dad. It was just randomly Russell Crowe. No, that would not have been the stock. Okay, Nicole, I'm totally with you. It would have, if your dad was doing themes,

the other one would have been a crow. Yeah, and you wouldn't. It would have been Cameron and Russell. Yeah. No, no, definitely not. Okay, so great. Yeah. a crow yeah and you wouldn't it would be camera in here also yeah no no definitely not okay so great yeah okay if he gets into like other animals like a bear would he name it you know grills okay let's get back bear grills okay let's get to stop it stop Nicole stop freaking out stop freaking out. Stop freaking out. It was a joke. You can stop laughing.

I was just joking. We'll have to cut out all the laughs. Okay, Nicole. So Russell and Judy, your dad names them the two crows, okay? Yes. So he would like go out in the morning

in the backyard and like call for them or whatever. They don't respond to the names obviously, but this is what he was doing. And this was the first sign of my mom and I being like, okay, this is a little weird. So over the last year is when it's escalated a bit because, well, I mean, this is like the issue. Every time my dad goes outside, every single time, whether it's on a walk with my mom or I, or he's on a walk by himself, he is crying at the top of his lungs. For Russell and T. All around the neighborhood.

Dad. No, like, Nicole, can you give us a taste of Dad's crows? No exaggeration. I knew you were going to ask. I knew I had to. I put you on this popper. You can do it.

Yeah. So I can't do the gargle that he does. Like he is shocking. But my best, this is my best. It's like, ah! Ah! Like that. Can I? Can I? I know you want to. Can I see Nick? See if he can top it. My best, this is my best. It's like... Ah! Ah!

Like that. Can I... I know you are. Can I see Nick, see if he can top it? So this is your dad for a walk. How old's your dad? My dad, I don't know exactly. I think he's like 68, 69. Respect that you don't know. Yeah, but it's cool that the first number I came to mind was 69. Yeah.

My favorite number, Bill that Has been for years Sure It's her dad is a 69 year old Canadian man. Yeah. Going for a walk. Correct. Going for a walk with Nicole. Shall we go for a walk?

Okay, great. Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr Russell Crowe! Russell Crowe! Russell Crowe! Judy! Judy as well! Judy as well! Judy as well! Cameron! Cameron! Cameron Crowe!

Cameron Crowe! Cameron Crowe! 10 out of 10. Nicole. That's a little more dolphin-y than I want it to be. I want to take out a little of the gold. The top was pretty good. Nicole, your thoughts? No, it was good. It was good.

It was closer. He had a bit of a gargle, so it was closer than mine. That was great. I can take some I just want Nicole, you to know, I can take a little gargle off it. Okay? No, it was good. I can take some, I just want Nicole, you to know, I can take a little gargle off it. Okay? No, it was good. It's like, but it was like, it sounds like a, it does sound dolphin-y, like a little

bit more crow, I guess, but it is hard to do. Like I have been trying. Thank you. What are the crows saying back? Like, what's, what are, is it a dialogue? That's, that's part of it is that they don't respond to him at all. Like this is not like, oh, that's my friend calling me. No, I get what that is.

He's trying to connect. Nicole, these crows remind me of talking to you and your mother. Quack, quack! Silence. Quack! All right, so Nicole. So you think he's putting a little quack on it. All right, hold Nicole, do you think he's putting a little quack on it?

All right. Hold on. We gotta do this really fast. You gotta close your eyes and you gotta be the judge now. Nick and I are separated from our voices. Promise? No setup. Fair enough.

You do a better Canadian. You do a better story. No, I'll do. I'll do sorry. No, nothing. I won't do a better Canadian, you do a better sorry. No, I'll do sorry. No. Nothing, I won't do a goddamn thing. Or you do sorry in yours, then say sorry, point at me and I'll do mine.

Okay. What am I saying? Nicole, you're judging which one does a crow that is more realistic and closer to your dad, okay? You're gonna get two options. It will just take really fast. No setup, you're just gonna hear it. Yeah, you're just gonna hear two crows

and then you go, one was better, one was worse, and you say it and we're gonna move the hell on. Yeah. Okay, ready? Okay. Ah! Ah! Ah!

That's the first one, it was much better. Yeah. The first one was much better. The first one was much better. Can we try one more time? Yeah. Because I didn't expect that to come out of my mouth. Okay. I was in Gladiator. Witchgro was better?

The first one. So we're going to split one and what are we going to move on? All right, Nicole, sorry. So your dad is really into crows. He's named some. Lately, when you go for a walk, he's just crowing at them. Not ideal. Obviously, you didn't have to say they's just crowing at them. Not ideal, obviously. You didn't have to say they don't crow back.

We knew they didn't. You know, does he feed them? He tries to, yeah. Nicole, can I ask? Yeah, anyway. Is he summoning spirits from somewhere? Is that part of it for him? That's interesting.

A lot of people say crows are connected. Crows and owls. Crows and owls are connected. That's interesting. I don't believe so, but maybe. All right, Nicole. Soows and owls have heard. I don't believe so. Okay. But maybe. Alright Nicole. So you're walking down the street. Dad's crowing at crows.

Then what? Yeah. So because he does this all over the neighborhood and he does this by himself. Like I've been coming back from the store to my parents place and you can hear him from a block away. And you know it's him. It's not great.

It doesn't sound like a crook. So the neighbors have started- Wait, really fast, Russell. Really fast about what are we calling dad? Dad's Jim. Jim, Jim, a guy who had a job or Jim the kind of stay at home guy who does projects in the basement?

I'm not judging Jim, I just want to get a sense. Yeah, yeah, he's retired. So he's at home. He's doing a lot of home projects. I'll tell you what, in between gigs, when you got some time off, COVID, the strike, were you doing great, Nick? I was doing great.

I was thriving. Do you know how many decks I built? How many? Zero. So what did your dad do for work? Seems like it doesn't matter but it might matter when we get to pitching. I mean like you're not working now what he did before. Yeah just trying to get a sense of Jim a little bit. I mean if Jimbo's in a little bit of a hard time. Was he like a truck driver?

Was he a computer engineer? No. Computer engineer, was he a car engineer? He helped people that were injured in the workplace find new jobs. Okay, cool. Okay, helpful guy. Oh yeah, for sure. That's a very Canadian job. Yeah, it is. Isn't it?

Yeah. Yeah. Okay, so- You had a problem at work? Well, can I help you find new employment? Yeah. Yeah. Okay, so... You had a problem at work? Well, can I help you find new employment? Yeah. I mean... Yeah, that's it.

We also have that here in the States. Do we? Yeah. It's not like he just volunteered. It's not like he was just walking down the street saying it and someone said, hey, would you like a job doing this? You're great in the park. Oh, Nick. You're're great in the park. No, Nick.

You're just wonderful in Stanley Park. Don't you? Yeah. So Nicole, your dad's walking down the street. He's talking to crows. They're not talking back. I'm not seeing this as great so far, but it's because we've been interrupting.

But I'm not seeing a big problem yet. Right? Yeah. It's a character quirk. So it's because of the calling around the neighborhood and everything that neighbors, I've seen them cross the street when my dad's coming. I've heard a couple of people walk past our house and one of the women whispered like, yeah, something about Dave is a little off.

He seems a little off. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah My mom like the children that walk past the school to You know or walk past our house to go to school across the street. Yeah, I get there like giggling about him Yeah, great. This is embarrassing essentially The question is how do I get my dad to stop crying around the neighborhood? Let me first of all compliment you, Nicole. It was a heck of a setup.

Then you landed the plane. Yeah, absolutely. So Nicole, so the question and the whole idea of this is, dad's got an obsession with crows. How do we get your dad to stop crowing on the walks because people are starting to talk a little shit and it's getting weird. And you're a little worried that dad's turning the corner from I love my dad Jim to retired Jim who's getting weird. And look, we all have our passions,

but you can't take your passion and start crowing down the middle of the street. Is it emblematic of larger quirks that he is exhibiting? Or is this like it? Is this like his main thing that he just crows? That, I mean, that's his main thing. Sort of like he likes to be important, you know? Like around the neighborhood.

So he definitely, like there's an owl that's down our street right now. And so he's like calling the city to make sure that everybody knows that there's an owl there. So he's very involved. But what's with the crow? I get a guy like that. He's just a hands-on Mr. Helper.

He's probably bored as hell. Is this new for him? Like, is this a different than he used to be or is this all like new behavior? As far as talking to animals, no. Like with the dogs and cats we had growing up, he will have full on conversations with them and everything, so that's not new.

But it's good when it's leaving the house. It's bringing it outside of the house. Yeah, yeah. Nicole, that is very funny. It's bringing it outside of the house. Yeah. And by the Nicole, that is very funny. They bring it outside of the house. And by the way, that is very important. Yeah, it's good to know that you're like, yeah. This shit is fine indoors, Dad.

When you're talking to Nichols and Ronnie, it's not OK walking down the street and thinking like, we are OK. You and your mom are fine with this behavior. Or you've tolerated privately for a long time. We were fine when it was in our backyard, you know, we're fine. Did the dogs and cats talk back?

Was he getting cause of reinforcement? Oh yeah, totally. Okay, so. Okay, good. And what are your thoughts before we start pitching? Cause there's gonna be a lot of different routes We can take on this one. What are your thoughts about a straight shot? Because I think I'm a straight shot. Tell me what happened, please Yes, so with me like I I'm not out to embarrass anybody

And all I just said dad, you know, like this is this is a little much. Oh, no, no, it's fine. Like he, he's definitely the sort of person. Yeah, keep going. Yeah, he's definitely the sort of person that he, he just thinks whatever he wants to think, like he's in his kind of own world. Yeah. And then with my mom, she said to him, like, okay, we'll go on a walk together, but no crying. No, that's so humiliating Could you imagine? I'll take a walk. I'm great. I'll take a walk with you No trying to talk to crows. Yeah

What about crawling but Soon as my mom said that, he just doubled down. I just walk up to people, I go, hey, hey, it's Nick. Caw, caw, caw, caw, small crow. That's cool. I'm a little crow. This is nighttime vibes, it's like sexy. All right, so that's interesting that you have literally, your mom has said to him, I will walk with him. And what does your dad say when he is told,

we can walk but please don't crow at crows? Because I gotta tell you, Nicole, that's shocking. It's shocking. This is actually when I'm starting to understand the problem. Okay. He ignores it. He'll totally dismiss it. And then go in front of your mom. Oh yeah, he'll double down 100%.

So maybe there could be something, and I'm just planting a seed of a pitch, but I don't have the second half of it. But maybe we can get in your dad's ear about the idea that using, cause your dad I'm sure knows how smart crows are. So the thing about crows, which I'm sure your dad has got obsessed about is that they are so smart,

they have unbelievable memories. They do revenge. If they don't like you, they come to your yard for years. Like you don't mess with a crow's brain. Sure. So he's probably on a kick like they're great. Maybe you could say you have to be careful crowing because you actually might be insulting them.

It's like people who get those Chinese tattoos, like it means harmony, but it really means like eat a dick. Like dad, just be careful because I read that a crow's brain is so intense that by going, ca-ca, you're not saying gibberish. You're literally, they go, dad, they speak a language? Yeah, it's about intonation, so we can't get their intonation right.

But also, you are saying something. So you just think you're making a sound, but it's like if an alien- You could be making an enemy for life. You might be saying like, fuck you. Yeah. And that, if he's really in the brain of a crow, could trip him out.

It's not clear how long these crows can take the high road Yeah, but think about his first second his fucking Danny this fucking guy This fucking guy says fuck you to me one more time I'm telling you Danny. I'm about to split. I Can't keep doing it with this. I can't keep doing it with this guy. Let's think about this Justin This is the perspective. I'm trying to get in your dad's ear. Right, Nicole? What does he think you're doing? Sure.

He thinks he's, like, bonding with them. Right, but how? He thinks he's communicated. Yeah, he thinks he's communicating and, like, letting them know that he cares about them. Yes, but Nicole, let me bring this up to you then. and letting them know that he cares about them. And they will- Nicole, let me bring this up to you then. Does he speak Crow or has he ever studied it? Or has there ever been any text about the language of Crow? Yeah, does he?

Does he know how to speak Crow? Is he into bird calls or other birds? Has he ever gone birding? Does he have a specific device that was somehow created, which is impossible to create, that you can actually communicate to a crow using their- Because crows are so smart, they won't even let you study their brain.

That's not where I was going. You couldn't even do a Dueling crow. Also a sponsor. Also a sponsor. But do you see the road I'm trying to get to? Your dad is trying to pretend they're in a heightened thing that he's in and you and your mom don't get it. But what he actually is doing, imagine this in English, if a bird tried to communicate

with us and just went like, yellow mustard, yellow, green, and you go like, huh? And it sounds like English, but they'll just be like, it's gibberish. You know, there was this really funny song that I saw on Instagram, but an Italian rock star, you might have seen this, in the late 60s, early 70s, who sounded kind of like the Stones. He did a song, he was an Italian star, and he was like, everybody here likes everything English. So he did one in English, but it was all gibberish. Yeah. It's a fucking banging song. Yes, but it's gibberish It's there's a great Italian disco era where they're just yeah watching not even VHS is of us

But they're in there so fucking Italian and groovy in the 70s that it all works. You know? Questa non, you know, non mi fa, fa, fa, fa. You know? That's the one. Please do some more. I'm dying for you to do it, Nick. I'm sorry.

Does your dad, is this a pitch? Okay. Do you allow your dad to walk around with a wagon, a red wagon with a boom box on the back with this... Questo no me diga, si de fue, quena you know me, nobody loves you, can I go away for you? That is it. So here's what we need to do. Nicole? Questo you. That is it. So here's who we need to do Nicole Funny thing is is it is that it's a banging song Yeah, and like that one like just honestly like what it's kind of what Nick does and then there but there's like cool guitar

And drums, yeah, and you're like it sounds like a stone song. He's speaking gibberish. Yeah, so here's what I'm gonna recommend We could either try to find it. I can look around and I could email it But I want you to show the video of this Italian thing to your dad I want you to explain the concept Before you talk about crows what we're trying to get your dad to do is go like that's insane Yes, what we're trying to do is we're gonna we're gonna get him to watch an Italian That's insane. Right? Look at that man's beat. Yes. What we're trying to do is we're gonna get him to watch an Italian singer sing gibberish,

and he's gonna go, what? And you go, yeah, I heard this podcast, and they were talking about it, and they were saying, but it was a popular song, and you can Google it. You go, Ippi was a hit, but it was gibberish. They didn't understand what they were saying. And if you can get him to go like,

that's so stupid and crazy, then go, imagine the point of view of the crow to what you're doing. You're speaking crow gibberish. Can I pitch another? So that would be one is, play this Italian classic rock gibberish to your dad and let him know that that's what he's doing. What he's doing to the crows is, yes, entertaining, but too ultimately silly and remembered for silliness.

Exactly right. Not for genuineness. Exactly right. You're not actually communicating with anyone. So dad, if you want to do this, you're just doing it. You're weirding out the neighborhood. You're weirding out mom. Mom's asking you to stop. And you're just doing it. You're weirding out the neighborhood. You're weirding out mom. Mom's asking you to stop.

And you're not talking to crows. If anything, the crows are making fun of you. Yeah, you're a fucking joke, Grace. I'm not like, but dad, you feeding the crows, wonderful. You sitting outside and bonding with them, spiritually wonderful. You trying to speak their language turns you into a clown in the community, I guarantee it.

And these crows said clown, because I did wanna, we did, I was gonna name my show Crawling Around with Nick Clown. Truly. All right, pretty good. But now here we are. Do you have like a ring cam or anything? Do you guys have like a ring cam?

No. Have you ever filmed like a ring cam? No. Have you ever filmed your dad doing it? Yes, do it on your phone. What's that? Yes, film him on your phone. Film him on your phone and show it to him or film it on your phone. Show it to us.

Show it to us. Wait, a quick question, Nicole. Do you have any footage of your dad doing this? No. Oh, that's so great. I only emailed you guys like two days ago. Like, I don't know how quick this was gonna go. It mostly doesn't, but this is a good problem.

But I also think, I mean, this is what AI is for. So, but you could also go around and interview some of the people who are talking shit about your dad. Yeah. And then show that to him and be like... I'm afraid of that hurting dad's friends. Nah, no, go hard on him. Yeah, but what does this have to do with AI though, brother?

That's what I'm saying. Then you don't even have to do the interviews and they just oh you create Fake paper, how about that? Who is that? Yeah, I've never seen that person Can you get a clear pictures of the crows you send it to us? We will a conversation This guy's an idiot you gotta be kidding me This guy's not idiot. You gotta be kidding me. This guy's not speaking crow to me. It's all fucking crow to me this guy. It's not there's not one word I understand. So here's my question about that because there's actually something one I like for the show and two I like is a backup pitch.

Before you do anything helpful can you try to just film him? Yeah. Yeah. Because I think it'd be really fun and really funny. And we'll air it during this thing too. We'll post it on social media if you want. We can blur your dad's face up, but I guarantee he's not following our Instagram account if he's talking to crows. No. Yeah. Yeah, no he's not. But the idea of just getting footage of a Canadian guy

walking down the street, if you could get that for us, in a nice wide shot. Ha ha ha. Nice wide, but then cut in. If you could get that for us in a nice wide shot. Nice wide, but then cut in. If you can get coverage. And then get coverage, you're gonna come around. And let's get your reaction. Let's get a little B-roll too, just the trees. Also, if you got a C-camera, get people in the neighborhood.

But. Split off, split off C-camera. Go get some sort of interviews around the neighborhood, men on the street stuff. And so what do you think of these two ideas we've kind of given you? Because here's what I would do. I personally wouldn't do the, unless it's AI,

I would maybe do fake AI people talking shit on them. But I do know this. If my daughters brought that to me one day and were like, hey, Dad, you know this weird quirk you have? And I go like, I wouldn't call it a weird quirk, go on. And then they go, here's a bunch of people talking shit on you. Hey, what's up? Please do it.

So now this is me in Canada, watching clips of how my weird quirk. Yes. I know that guy down the block. Yeah. He's always crowing and it's very weird and off-putting. I don't like it. Wait, your AI movement is amazing. Pardon me, but I don't like what he's doing.

I think it's weird and I don't think the crows like it either. Sorry. Really good stuff, Nick. Thanks. You're great. It's just for you. The two things, what are you thinking? What zone are you in?

What are the options, just quickly? The options are show your dad this video. But honestly, that would hit home for me. And I think logic-wise, it could hit home for your dad. The other is camouflage yourself and film him and go, hey dad, yeah. You need to see what you look like. Because I know you think you're talking to them

and they're talking back. Oh, ask a neighbor if you can go in their house and get a POV from the neighbor. So it's like you're filming from somebody else's house and go, I know what you think you're doing, but you're speaking gibberish to crows. But here's what you're filming from somebody else's house and go, I know what you think you're doing, but you're speaking gibberish to crows. But here's what you're speaking in English in Canada. Yeah. You walk up to their house, you knock on the door, you say,

hi, you know the creepy weird guy who crows and crows all night long? I'm his daughter. Can I go up to your second floor? Can I come into your home under your second floor? And clandestinely film someone? You know that guy, that weird guy who crows? I was talking to Nick Kroll. And he said... He said what Nick Kroll said, but he was with Jake, whose last name is...

The guy! Jake... The guy's last name... Johnson. So what do you think, Nicole? Out of those those two you happy with one of them It's possible that the second one of filming my dad and having him see like what it's like Yeah, other people it's possible that would work again. It could go the total opposite. I agree Yeah, where you ask me like look how great this look how great I am

Yeah, yeah, because I have tried to hit him with logic before as far as like other Bird watching stuff goes and it's like he he's a brick wall I don't know like do you want to show him like have you showed him like the Birds like movies about crows? Does he like maybe? I have an idea. I bought him books about crows, yeah. I have an idea. I've done that.

What if we write a fake letter from the city? Oh wow. That would be amazing. Saying like, hey, you know, we know what you're doing. There's nothing wrong with it in theory, but you're harassing, what have we referred to you're harassing. What have we referred to it? You're harassing the crows. Because they don't know what you're saying to them. And we've studied them a lot longer than you.

And even though what you're trying to do is nice here, pal. It's not what they need. It's like a lady walking down the street and construction workers yelling at them all day. They're just trying to raise their families. They're just trying to mate. There you are screaming at them all day, and you're scaring them.

Right? No, you're scaring them. Right? No, you're scaring them. Yeah, hey, you know, very real wave friend. You're scaring the crows. And so we'll use an aerial font, but it'll have a little tilt to it for Canada. What do you think of that? I like that a lot.

You do? What do you think of either us writing it or you writing it and we created here. What feels better to you? See what I'm doing here, Rob? I think if you guys write it. Sorry, Rob. Okay, so let's come up with it.

Nick, will you take the first stab of- Of being the Canadian government, the city of the city and nice. Are you in Vancouver? Where are you? So my parents are in Vancouver. I'm in like, I don't know if you guys know, but like Burnaby area. I don't know what you guys know about. But I know where Barnaby is. I'm like 30 minutes away. Shout out to Barnaby's.

Shout out to Barnaby's. Okay. So what we're going to do then tell us if we get this right and we can run it with you over email after But we want to get the address right we want to get everything and then we'll just send it to them in the mail Dear yeah, so yeah, so from the City Council. Yeah the City Council Dear Jim From everyone here at the City Council excellence We acknowledge that you are an important part of our community, that you've made great contributions.

Sweet. We feel lucky that, we feel great that you want to have such a strong connection in nature, but your communication with the crows. Pardon. But it needs to end. Keep going. At why?

It's making neighbors feel a bit uncomfortable. They're worried that you're summoning crows. Many crows. Thousands. A murder of crows, many crows, thousands. A murder of crows. And that's what you call a group of crows, a murder of crows. We are worried that you're bringing an absolute murder of crows who will come invade Vancouver.

A city ill-equipped to do. We offer so much here in Vancouver. Beautiful seaside views, wonderful seafood, amazing Asian cuisine. But one thing we cannot tolerate beyond giving methadone to junkies is an absolute murder of crows taking over our city. You know politics never comes first. Especially here in Canada. Especially here in Canada.

Where we let... Cut! Sorry, okay. New letter? No, we're back. Let's start again. We're right there, we're right there. Okay, okay.

Nothing's more important than community and we value your, no, I take that back. How we doing? Is this real? Yes, it's great. Okay. We value your contribution to the community, but the crowing at the crows needs to stop immediately.

We ask for your participation or your acceptance of this. We are not looking to... We're not looking for any further correspondents. Thank you so much. And they will say, Vancouver City Council. and we'll find no names. We'll just sign it like that. Vancouver City Council out like Ryan Seacrest. What do you think of that, Nicole?

And it's just, it's literally going to come in the mail from, the problem is it's going to come from Los Angeles. No, one of us will run it up. You can put a different return address. Oh, we can? Okay. No, one of us will run it up. You can put a different return address. Oh, we can, okay, great. One of us will run it up there. Run it up, yeah, Nick will run it up there. But so we will email that,

we will literally send a hard copy to your dad. So now you've got- Can I just, please. Please. Could you get photos of him from somewhere, like this is when you do wanna sneak up to someone's second floor Yeah

And get him doing it from get him doing it and have and then but the photos are printed on that weird curly Sort of shiny like parking ticket pay. Yes Rob is that something we can pull off as best we can. Yeah as best we can You feel like it's official paper right like official shitty paper. Yes And you could also put those little shitty pictures in on the letter So on the one page of this letter because I'm at the bottom of it Yeah, they're in there on it, so you just go like oh they have proof They have pictures and then maybe do a photo of like a crow of like a murder of crows

Like a murder of crows. Oh, with their hands out. Or there's like a thousand crows. With their hands out, be like, what the fuck is this guy saying? Or we could also do an AI photo of crows that have taken over a town. So it's a town overrun by crows. Because they're saying, this option is, we're saying to him, we're afraid you're feeding them and calling them, you're going to bring so many of them. Yeah, and like here would be another pitch is like of the one of the fairies coming from Vancouver Island

Right absolutely covered we AI The murder of crows just like all on a boat on their way to the main line Need to take a boat You don't need to take a boat. That's how pissed they are. This is fucking guy Danny. This fucking guy. I'm so mad I can't even fly anymore. What time's the next ferry?

So Nicole, I think we've actually given you some solid options. We're here to help. Yes. What are you going to do now? You talk for a little bit Let's go. Let's get a sense of where you're at here. You're the star Yeah, so I like the letter as you guys were doing it like I'm Fairly certain that if he if it comes from like City Council he 100% will write back

Like no What if we do it anonymously He 100% will write back. Fuck. Like, no question in my mind. What if we do it anonymously? Yeah, if it's anonymously, that would be better. He has no idea where it's coming from. So, rather than, you tell us, so if it's anonymous, is it from the neighborhood? What is it? Where is it from? What would not-

Neighborhood would be good. And then, so we just have to put a little sweetness in there, because no one's looking to hurt dad's feeling So it's we're all fans of you. We're all fans. Yeah, everybody likes you around here and your spirit You're the best with that in mind What we're afraid of is you bringing a murder To our lovely little community Jimbo or or whatever his name is. And it's too much. Thank you for the call.

Follow up with us. But we're gonna do a letter, so we're gonna email you. And it's gonna be, now that it's not from the city, it's even easier. It's gonna be an anonymous letter, and we'll run it by you before we send it to you, okay? Lovely.

But when you follow up, this one's gonna be a victory. Your dad's gonna stop. Your dad's gonna stop. And we're not gonna shame him. No, we're gonna make him feel empowered. Yeah, and also that his power might be too great. And the one thing I will pitch is that, unfortunately the letter is anonymous,

but it's clear that it's coming from Chipmunks. So then he starts talking to the Chipmunks. Thank you for the call. This is Alvin. Thank you guys. This is Alvin. I got two of my brothers. Thank you, you guys are great. I got two of my brothers.

Theodore and Sylvia. Listen. Look. Look. Look. Look. Look. Look.

Look. Oh. Hello. Hello. How you doing? I'm good, how are you? I'm doing great. Glad to hear it.

What's your name? I'm Jean. How are you? I'm doing great. Glad to hear it. What's your name? I'm Jean. Hey Jean. Hi Jean, it's Nick Kroll. Hi Nick Kroll. How's it going? Fabulous. Great. Where you calling from?

I'm excited to get some results here. Yeah, I'm excited to be here. Yeah. I mean, you gotta be a big fan of Jake. Kansa. Amazes. Yeah, Jean. Where to be here. You gotta be a big fan of Jake. Kansa. A massive. Gene, where are you calling from? Chicago, Illinois.

Get the fuck out of here. We're in Chicago. I'm currently in Andersonville. I'm from Evanston though, your old neighbor. I lived on an apartment on South Hinman, 740 with my mother. I lived on Hinman and Keeney for a long time too. We were fucking neighbors! Really? Dude, dude kinship. Nick, where did you live?

Where'd you grow up, Nick? New York State, right? I grew up in Ike Barinholtz's house. Also in Evanston. I think he was Chicago, wasn't he? Yeah. Let's move on. Nick doesn't like to talk about anything personal stuff. Yeah. I hid in Julia Louis-Dreyfus's hamper when she was at Northwestern. I was four years old.

I loved being in there. He was a wonderful college actress. She was at all the plays. All the plays. She was at all the plays, all the plays. She's still very funny. Yeah, she's very good. So, Jean from Chicago, and how old are you? I am 32.

32, and... You had a little hesitation in telling us that you were 32. Because honestly, I don't think that I'm supposed to be this young at forgetting my age. My birthday's in June, but I had to think about it for a moment for whatever reason. It does get embarrassing. Yeah. Have you noticed that time is hurtling past?

Yeah, I kind of feel like I'm falling and I'm about to hit my face. My birthday's in June and I cannot believe I'm in striking distance of my birthday. Yeah. Do you have your birthday planned out? Yeah. Are you a big birthday guy? Yeah, I do six days at Disneyland by myself. I get six days to myself.

No kids. No wife, just the ride. I do the same thing. I do showbiz. I do Chuck E. Cheese. I do all the arcades. All the muffins. Just you and Mickey going wild.

No kids. Yeah. It's my day. So by the way, a lot of mothers do Mother's Day, where they go, a lot of moms who do Mother's Day, they go, all I want is a break, that's my birthday, that's Christmas, that's Thanksgiving. I had them all.

And I go to Dave and Buster's, and I challenge other people's kids to go. And I love it. I compete. So Jean, Chicago, 32, Evanston, what's going on? What can we help you with today? So I recently moved apartments with my boyfriend about five years.

We lived together beforehand, but he moved on to my turf into my apartment. So this is our first neutral ground and he has god-awful atrocious taste in art. And every time I shoot down his art, he takes it as me shooting down him. Everything represents him, no matter how horrible. I know, but also I gotta say, Jean, I gotta say, and I know we're gonna get back to you, you are shooting him down. You are. I am, 1,000%.

And art is in the eye of the beholder. I know it. His 10 ways that beers are better than girls, art is fucking funny. Yes, but it is an FBI federal move inspector. I mean, it's funny. He's gotta have your ass been posted. Oh, wait, this is it. Yes. An FBI federal blue inspector. He's got a how's your ass been poster. This is it. Oh, this is the art.

Okay, so Jane, we're seeing a photo. What is that? Is that Cartman? Partially, it's Cart Wad. He's a cross between Cart Man and Meet Wad. Oh, sure. And my boyfriend's name is Nicholas spaghetti and if this doesn't work, I will put him on blast and shame him into this And

Real hostility Chicago's what I like to call it. Yeah got a little mean. Yeah, but I love it's a little bit fresh we're having a game night right now at our place and The guys that like I'm literally in the car right now sitting on Clark Street and I used to work on the guys Yeah, Sam look at us. I'm just following you Absolutely freezing in a car Really cold and I can't be on the car speaker. I got the phone pressed.

I got a blanket over me right now. But give me a second, Jim, just cause I, but Jim give me a second cause I interrupted. So you guys just moved in together and he has this terrible. And it's a lot of this kind of like bad pop culture art around. It's a variety. Right. Jake, I apologize in advance. He really wanted to hang a Bears

fans parking sign. He wants this like man cave sign. I've allowed this three by five foot boxing panda. Okay. so you're dating an absolute parody of a man from Chicago. Yeah. Yeah, and I'm gonna read... So he's from Vegas, and so I was kinda like... So he's aspirational in Chicago. He wants to live this Chicago dream.

He's dipped the French meat now he's in. So question for you, Gene. He wants me to die inside. Yeah, so, all right, so Gene, so essentially what the question is, is then how do I get him to take all this art down? Is that correct? Yeah, I guess like or find neutral ground between this and normal. People keep

complimenting it too. But that doesn't matter. People compliment the wrong stuff all the time. So, you could, but they do. the stuff that people like a lot of times is the worst stuff. So we can't go to a third person's point of view. This is between you and him. So when you guys were separate, what's your style? And then do we have more photos of his style before we start pitching? So do you have images of your stuff, Jane? I literally, I told my friend that I was doing this and she's just sent me a photo of the guys that are at her place doing game night admiring his art

Can we see it? Yeah She's like My art tastes different. It's just like it's just like huge deep. It's pictures of huge deep dish pieces And hot dogs with tomatoes. I do have I do have a very cool thing of like the original L-like system from like 19 something, 58. So do me a favor, Jean, really fast. I can figure out a way to. Yeah, tell me, let's take a second, tell me, paint a picture of your style and then paint a picture of his style.

Thanks. I just want everything to feel very light. So it's, I don't know, like right now I've got like, it looks like almost like what you would put, this isn't gonna sound good, like patch up a wall, but it's in designs on like a nice light canvas. I've got some colorful like cartoons of our dog. I've got like, I'm pretty varied in it. And you know.

I feel like you've got some like wood that you've painted. I have like a cross knit, bitch please sign. Do you have like wood that you've, she just plow right through me. I mean, I'm plowing through you, but I'm just. You better. Sorry, Chicago. Okay, Chicago, Chicago. How do you say Chicago Chicago Chicago? Yeah?

Do you have like wood that's painted white? You know what I mean like you know that's like yeah, I keep it light and airy It's like oh like would you paint a natural like a built-in white yeah? Oh, I hope not do you have like old like an 80 year old building and everything just has like a white coat over everything I? old building like a 90 year old building and everything just has like a white coat over everything. I mean, I do have paint all over everything with the landlord special, but not my doing that. Okay, so I'm just trying to get a sense of your style. Gene is kind of neutral. You got a little bit of funk to you, but you kind of just want it to look like and I don't mean this as a mean thing. I'm painting a picture, but like something that could possibly be like an Airbnb. Totally.

but like something that could possibly be like an Airbnb. Totally. Right? Well, that's what it's like. I don't want my place to be. I don't want my art to be the talking piece. Yeah, so that's what I mean. So your kind of place looks like you're like light pastels, a little funky patch art thing.

So I'm not talking about a terrible Airbnb, but you go to a nice Airbnb and you go like this. They got some stuff. But I don't want to get there and go, this guy's got some weird taste in art and I'm staying here. Right, I'm also like there's the Airbnb's that you go to where I've been going to where it's like It's like this lady's very interested in roosters. That's agreed like there's like themed Airbnb's where it's like It's a lot. You're choosing that always

Always choosing the rooster. What if you got something specific, I'm staying in your place. Yeah, if you're theming it, whales, roosters, motocross. So I did email over the photo of the men admiring this giant panda painting. It's sizable. So there's that. So there's a bunch of people at your house. Yeah, keep going. How do you like his friends?

Oh, wait. They're my friends that are. So they're all right. Oh, by the way. Oh, they're like, dude, shit. That's a great look. By the way, I have no problem. Is that a panda with hooks?

It's a panda with boxing gloves. Is it a dog with jeans on? So that is the panda with boxing gloves, correct? Yeah, and he keeps saying, like, oh, that's me. I'm the panda. I love to box. I haven't seen this man box in our entire relationship. I asked him if there's like a timeline on passion. Does he eat bamboo? He's a massive bamboo guy.

Gene, this is amazing. Can I ask though, the guy in the middle, in the friend in the middle? So there's a guy in a beer drinking a beer, there's a guy in a hat, and then there's somebody else leading against. Is he, is the guy in the middle, is he still? Okay, the guy in the green shirt drinking the beer is the purveyor of the art.

That is Nicholas. That's your boy. Should be ashamed. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's very proud of you is the purveyor of the art. That is Nicholas. That's your boyfriend. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's very proud of it. That's the man of the house. Yeah, he's proud of this painting. Oh yeah, he's like, he's acting like he's at, you know, the Museum of Contemporary Art. He doesn't look like a boxer, but he does look a little like a panda.

For sure. He's like a little red panda. He's like a little red panda, isn't he? I gotta say this to start, and you're not gonna like it, Gene. You're supposed to be on my side. I'll just remind you. I know, and Gene, I'm gonna end up on your side,

but by being your friend, the premise is if they call, we're on their side no matter what. So I'm on your side, but I like the panda. I like the panda, too. If I'm at that game night, and I got that host going, check it out, I would way rather see this.

Like I'm seeing the gray walls and the white finish. That is all that trim is painted white. So I'm like, it's got the light airy look that you want. I'm seeing the throw pillows have that clean look. I'm like, you want him to take that down and put what? Like a generic piece of art there? It's just any time he wants to bring anything in I know it it's a personal that panda is him Cartwad is him.

They're all so funny. He wanted to feel seen. He wants to, he's trying to express to you and his friends who he is. This is me. I'm a fucking bandit. I am sort of Meatwad slash Cartman. And with love in my heart, he does look a little like Meatwad in Cartman. Totally.

So he feels like a pandu's a boxer. What he's saying to you is he's I'm tough, but I'm sweet. Yes. And I've got a... Yes, I'm tough, but I'm sweet. And so he's trying to come at you in his place, he's trying to come at you

in that way, like look like, and I can't be tamed. But Jean, do you obviously understand all that, yes? 1000%, I've been told it's me many times. Yeah, but for you, you're like, I don't give a rat's ass. I don't wanna see how this are. How much common space is there in the apartment? Like are we looking at the, like, we're coming from the TV room,

looking into a dining room, and then, what are we looking at here? How many rooms do you have? Yeah, so we got a one bedroom, one bath. At our old place, we had a spare room. So I just kinda shoved him and all of his stuff into the spare bedroom. This is gonna sound rude, he also has an old lazy boy.

It's from 2002. Oh, jeez. And it looks like it's from 2002. His dad died in it. And I hate that too. Oh, man. I know. It's okay, my dad's dead too.

I'm not trying to keep his stuff around. You are so Chicago. I feel like I'm at Thanksgiving and I'm 14 and you're an aunt and I'm going whoa Whoa, you just said like yeah, your grandfather died. Oh, what are you gonna cry? So did mine? Yeah, and I go you're right the fucking Dad died on this lazy, but what we go save it. That's what good wills for yeah, his body leaked You know when somebody dies they let out juices baby those juices around the lazy boy your daddy your dad's in the ground

So Rephrase because now we've got a very clear setup. This guy is holding on to everything, you hate it. You're also what I like about you and what I'm not nervous on this call is you're not a pushover. He's not dominating you. If he's a panda with boxing gloves, you're a goddamn grizzly with boxing gloves.

But he's winning, or at least, let me ask you a question. Bottom line is you're all bears. We're in Chicago, right? 100%. I got a question for you of the wall space slash art slash furniture Is a hundred percent of everything right? What percentage is his because there's only two of us. Is it 50-50, honey? Are we talking 60-40? Yeah, what are we talking about? No, right now, he's in a spot. He's got 60. I got 40. Now, would you be happy? And he's got a lot of knickknacks too. I'm not even gonna get into the knickknacks.

Gene, I'm talking about everything. I want every... If you look at your space and you looked at everything, every knickknack, paddywhack counts here, babe. Okay? Right now, we're trying to figure out a deal. You gotta give this bear a bone. He might have enough now. We're trying to figure out you gotta give this bear a bone He might have enough bones. We might have to take some away. Yeah, okay I give him a bone, but if he's got ten bones we gotta take five back Oh yeah, because here's what we need you gotta make him think that he's getting an extra now. We're talking Here's what we got to do actually that started off as a bit of these two old salesmen, but here's what I think we need to do What's his name again, Andrew? Nick.

Nick, I wasn't even close. And I was 100% confident. And by the way, it's the name of the person, the other person you're talking to. I was gonna say, but, man, sorry, we won't throw him into the book. All right. What's his name again?

And you are? Andrew. Andrew. Have you guys met? That's how I try to find out your name, I ask her. You guys know each other? You guys know each other? Okay, and you are? Andrew. Andrew. Have you guys met? That's how I try to find out your name. I ask her. You guys know each other?

You guys know each other. Hey, Collin, you know this guy? So here's my question. Would you be happy, now we want the truth before we start getting into this, Gene, if it's 50-50 between you and Nick, you happy with that or no? And be honest now. Can you live with it? I would be happier if we could, yeah I'd be okay

with it, but I'd be happier if we could just find neutral art. If we could find some, the panda, honestly, I'll be honest with you, I told you. He's not gonna, he just doesn't want neutral art. No, he wants, but what was that last thing you just said about the Panda? He wants that conversation. The Panda's growing on me. It's like, it's just when, cause now we're in a spot I've gotten

because he also was like, it's all basic, it's boring, doesn't strike up a conversation. Right, he wants it to strike up a conversation. I don't have a problem striking up a conversation, so that's not really my concern. Right. But we need neutral, we need things that are both of us. I have a pitch.

Yeah, I like it. Go ahead. I'm here. Go for it. So what he wants is things that strike up a conversation. What if the R-U pic strikes up the wrong kind of conversation? Right. I'm down.

You want to send me some giant, like, nudes of you? I'll put them up. No, that's not what I was thinking. I was thinking. I was thinking more like a fox taking a dump on ice. Pfft. He would like that. He would like that.

No, I don't want that. The bottom it says, go fish. I'm looking for something where you walk into someone's house and you go, okay, what's that my man? Yeah, what you got up there? What do you have there? Can I ask, I got a pitch too. Go. Does he have funny t-shirts? Can I ask him, I got a pitch too. Go.

Does he have funny t-shirts? Could we get him some funny t-shirts to start a conversation? Like put the art, let him wear the art. He doesn't shut up, he doesn't need help starting a conversation. I have an idea. I have an idea.

All right. And this goes off your idea of. Nudes of Jake. Nudes, what if we did this? Nick and I take a bunch of photos today, do it different poses, we make posters, and we send it to you, and you hang up. I don't know if this is the place,

if this fucking schmuck deserves it, this Panda Express. But Jake and I have been taking pictures of ourselves. Oh my God, Nick! Holy Nick, you're a genius! Jake and I have been taking pictures of ourselves and sending them back and forth for, I'd say, 10 years. If we go back to the first one, we've been taking really low angle, truly repulsive pictures, the worst pictures you could take of yourself. And we have, we've been loosely communicating over the last 10 years, largely through these pictures.

That's exactly right. But big life events. I'll make a gallery wall of that. I would rather have that than this. Okay, but this is a very real pitch all of a sudden. We gotta make sure we actually have them. I, yeah. Because my-

I mean, I'm out of data. So I gotta clear the phone every couple of weeks. You can just send them to me. So here's what we're thinking on this. So this is- Hey, can we just, by the way, I don't remember her name. Gene.

Gene, can you pull back on what I'm feeling is some like, a little bit of like, just send me the pics? Like, I need to come to this on my own, and I don't want you to make, I don't want to feel your aggressiveness about getting Jake to send you pictures of him, okay? Okay.

Can you promise me that? Jake, I promise, I won't compromise. I won't compromise. But I think this has actually turned into something great because this is a real bit that we have done for so long. Send it to Rob. I don't have Rob's number. I can't give him my number.

Okay, send it to me. Yeah, no, I'm kidding. I'll send it Rob So Jane we're gonna you know, we might actually do we might email them to you too right now Can you look at them on your phone is you're talking at the last two that I have Rob? I'm gonna who do I can I? Hold on one second chain. This is an incredible pitch Now if this is something you're kind of interested in? See, like you guys, like I'm down with this.

Okay, good. And we interestingly have no photos up in it. It's all art. So then here's the kind of pitch we're gonna try to do. We're gonna send you a lot of these photos. And then, what is the move here, Rob? Should we make posters and send to them? We should get like FrameBridge to do it. Let Let's get frame bridge to do it. Okay, perfect

We will figure out and we will get a company to frame these and we're gonna send them to you and I want you to put a bunch on your wall and We're gonna give you too many and so when he says one less you go I'll take one down if you take one of your snake of your things down. Do we want to show? I'll take one down if you take one of your things down. Do we want to show? I mean, this is so. Gene, does this sound good? Gene, you are getting-

I'm 1,010%. Okay, good. Do you have, can you put it up? I have only brothers, I'm the only girl. I'm all about a prank too. And I'll commit to it. Gene, this is not a prank. But I'm gonna give you credit, Nick.

I fully forgot about this You did no, I don't when I do our photos together. Yeah, I forgot about it here. Yes Oh pull that into this pitch. It's I'm right. We're talking about photos Yeah, and it's I think feels like I think this feels like but I want you to know Gene This is like a very personal thing that has been between me and Jake, exclusively. And nobody else? I mean, I've shown it to so many people. Sure, of course. I exaggerate.

Yeah. Who did I show it to? Nick and Nicholshe? I'm so glad to be one of the boys in this situation. Vanessa? And find a home for your photos. It was with the contestants on Love is Blind. You were? Yeah, James. Oh my God.

He showed it to Debbie. How do you know the hosts? Nah, it doesn't matter. That's fucking close. Oh, yeah. I know the bars out in mini house out in Minnesota They all go to the same bars fucking super cool people man fucking actually really I'm not joking This is just, I'm not joking, a smattering. This is, these are one of each of us from like, we have, I'd say, Gene over the last ten years, we have like, twenty of these each. When one of us has a life event, it'll be there.

Congrats man, I hope everything's going good. Yeah. It's and some of them are pretty. Any of them do it. Oh my god. Holy shit Gene. So we have a solution. What we're gonna do is we're gonna send you a bunch of these photos. Um, and we'll have them framed. Then, um, so sexy, but here's how you coming in. It's so, but Jean, here's how you win. I think when you put these on, you have to take down one of the ones you don't like of his and say, like, that's the trade. Does that sound good? Fine.

Yeah. Does this, does this solve the problem? By the way, this is a real walk down memory lane for me. Cause I'm like looking back and I'm like, oh I missed that water bottle so much. Oh, sorry. Okay, so Gene, we've got a winner. And then we use... Will you do us a favor? And will you... What? Will you do us a favor?

And will you... Yeah, I'm gonna send you photos of it. We're using photos of the next game night when people are standing around these photos. I'm looking back to see where they start. Um, yes, and send photos of your life, and send photos of them hopefully enjoying this. Did you see this?

It's so hot. You look so fucking hot. Thanks, brother. You guys are going to be so psyched. Yeah, we're saying thanks, Pedro. Jake, look at him. You got nudes. You got nudes.

You are just getting it. Perfect. You're getting your nudes and you're getting provocative. I missed this fucking WNYC water bottle so much. It was square. Yeah. You don't even know how to do that. You're just getting it.

You're getting it. You're getting it. You're getting it. You're getting it. You're getting your nudes and you're getting provocative. I miss this fucking WNYC water bottle so much. It was square. You know what I mean? Like WNYC, like perfect oh hello nonsense. This thing was a square water bottle. Fits in nothing. That's what public radio is.

You know what I mean? It's like, here's this, do you have a square tumbler in your car to put your water bottle? Then get this red WNYC water bottle, the wrong shape for any car you'll ever be in. But perfect to fit in in your nook in the library where you rent books to read. Hey, Jane. Follow up with us. We're gonna, Rob's gonna be in touch with you. We're gonna send you stuff. This is a big win. This is a big win.

This is a big win for you guys. I'm very excited. Me too. And also just quick, in general, he, you know, part of, also remember that part of the fun of your relationship is this push and pull. So don't forget that you like, you like, part of your shtick with each other and your friends is that he's like what it's a fucking

You know, this is gonna take it to another level Do me a favor though don't tell him the solution if does he know you're on this call right now He yeah, okay. So then say it went well and go, what was the solution? And go, you'll see. You'll see. And don't tell him. Oh yeah, I told him, I said, we need to pull in the heavy hitters. And he was like, I want to read what you told them.

I want to make sure they understand where I'm coming from. I was like, it's not about you. And so I'm going to go back in and I'm going to be like, you'll see. You'll see. And the suspense. Just wait after the, film the unveiling film the unveiling yes oh yeah that's right I would like to see him seeing it yeah okay and then maybe for the follow-up are you looking for artwork in your bedroom or no like is this part of it is your

bedroom still unfinished we we don't have we don't have any artwork up in our bedroom if you have some tasteful items Like do you have a wall when your bed when you pop up that you're you look at in your I mean, I'm down our neighbors are pretty cool I could put it on the ceiling if you want it to be what he sees it opens his eyes in the morning All right, we're gonna win on this one Jane. This is gonna be a very very should I be sending more pictures? No, no Yeah, let's just do a bunch. Yeah. I do have mine too. Yeah, so Jane, we're good We're gonna be in touch with you, but I I'm not joking Okay, Jean All right. We'll talk to you soon, Jean

Love you. Before you go. I do have one suggestion Okay, you guys were struggling to find a name for your followers, and I think you came up with the ones and twos. Yes. And I think it should be the further of dudes. Okay, the further of dudes. But then that's the dudes. I don't want some people, unless dudes is then,

dudes is males and females. Mm-hmm. Yeah, I call my lady pals dudes all the time. I like that, the further dudes. Okay, I'll throw it out. Just something, just a little help from me back at you. I appreciate it. And returning the favor.

I'm really excited to see the new design of the place and share it with you guys. So thank you, I appreciate you. And again, I don't want to ask too much of you, but I do, can you get your hands on the Queer Eye production crew to come in to just shoot the reveal? Here's what I'd like. Here's what I'm going to ask. That's my next call, actually.

I want a wide of each room where the art is, like a wide picture, just a general picture of it, where the art lies now. And then I want a same angle once you've finished all of the pictures Like when you change the art yes totally and then we can do like a star Wipe to what like the new room looks like like when when they you know what I mean they make over the house And then your boyfriend Cut walks in and that and then I want that filmed and I want yeah I want the tears start flowing and his life has changed forever. You got it.

This, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this. This, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this. So tell me what you got going on, Nick. Okay. What, you got adults? I got, oh, sorry, I got Big Mouth coming out on May 23rd and then Adults on FX that I produced and directed some of. Oh, hey, man.

It's so, I think it's gonna be a great show. It's like 20 somethings in New York. And the Ben Cronogold and Rebecca Shaw created it. Five really fucking funny young actors. Awesome. And. How'd you like directing it? I loved it.

Yeah. I was, I had, it was also cause I produced it so I've been involved with it for like four or five years. Cool. So it was nice to then actually go and do it. Yeah. And it was fun to do it and not have to be on. Totally.

And they were all great. It was really fun. I think the show is really funny. It's like a real FX kind of show, but in that kind of, in that tradition of, like, girls... If, like, the girls and girls were living in Brooklyn, now these kids have to live in, like, deep Queens. They're, like, living in one of the...

They're living at one of the kids' parents' house, and they all live there together, first place out of college. Cool. It's funny. And then, um... So that comes out on FX on the 28th, and then drops on Hulu that night all all eight episodes Fx and now Hulu are doing it together FX for Hulu. Okay, or however that is

Yeah, and then I got a movie coming out the next week June 6 me and Andrew Rannell's called I don't understand you We're married couple Live and going to Italy for a family vacation. We've been trying to adopt a baby, Amanda Seyfried's baby. Okay. Not, not her. She's not playing a character. We're trying to adopt actually a documentary.

And so who, who directed the one with you and Andrew? This couple, Brian Crainow and David Craig, it's lightly based on them adopting their son and then like a Italian vacation that goes off the rails. So basically we're a couple, we go to Rome and then we go and it just goes off the rails. And it's like a very, it's funny, but like kind of suspensy, a farce. And we shot nights for a month in Rome, and I had a two-year-old.

And... You lost your mind. I lost my mind. I lost my mind. Yeah, for sure. So please see this movie. You're gonna see a very weird group of war vets. But it ultimately was a very challenging time in my life with my young family. And so please go to the movie theater where it's being released to see it so that I can

justify what was a very stressful, complicated experience, personally speaking. I loved working with Andrew, I loved the film. Very hard experience. Yeah, we would shoot nights. And then I would come home at like five in the, 45 minutes outside of Rome. And then come back and go to sleep at like five a.m., wash like rain and mud off my body.

And then my son, who was like, nearly to just freaking out at seven in the morning. So I'd get two hours of sleep until he would scream. And down in the, we were living near the Spanish steps. You know, like, there's like the center, which is an incredibly beautiful place, but like Times Square.

Okay. You know what I mean? Like, it was like. So loud, so crazy. So like tourists, thousands of tourists at all times. And we had a beautiful apartment, it was really cool. We could, we were at the top, we could hear everything. Just like a busker playing an electric violin all day of Coldplay.

Bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum all hours a day. Oh my god. Seven in the morning just like so we had this vision of what this movie was going to be. And it wasn't that. No it was no it was not. It was a nightmare. It wasn't a nightmare. I really get it. No, it was, no. It was a nightmare. It wasn't a nightmare.

I get it. But it was, because I also then had amazing times with my son in these, you know. Yes, of course. Great Saturday. Great Saturday. You know what you could also do? You could go to Italy for six days.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you've got those three projects. I got those three projects. And then I also read there's a new animated show on Netflix. Oh yeah, we're doing a follow-up. The folks that I made Big Mouth with, Andrew Goldberg, Mark Levin, Jen Flackett, we're making a new show called Mating Season. Fun.

About animals dating and fucking. Fun. Yeah. Nick, you're one of the funniest guys I've ever met. Man, I really appreciate you saying that, Jake. Say it back. that Jake say it back Jake say it back and is strong You're one of them yes, this is the fun man this has

Say back cuz I could edit out all the middle. Let's just do it play Nick You're one of the funniest guys ever met Nick Jake one of the funniest guys I've ever met. Nick? Jake, you're one of the funniest guys I've ever met. Rob, cut out all the middle stuff and cut out me saying it to him. I'm getting ***. Cut that part. You can bleep it if you want. Blur out the mouth. By the way, let's start the thing with him saying that to me.

Say it in the middle and the end. You are fucking so funny. this has been so fun. It was so fun. We gotta go get a beer, man. We gotta get a beer. Yeah, non-alcoholic. I got a lot to tell you. Are you an NA guy? No, I do like non-alcoholic beer.

You do? I weirdly like it. Yeah. You still get turn bright red when you drink beer? Yeah, and I get high in the sea. Yeah, you get celiac? I'm actually going through, no, but I have an allergy thing. Yeah. Yeah. You still get bright red when you drink beer? Yeah. And I get high. Yeah. Yeah.

You use celiac? I'm actually going through, no, but I have an allergy thing. Yeah, I know. We've talked about that. We've talked. And it's getting worse. I know. Mine is.

And I'm like really trying hard. Buddy. I'm like doing all this stuff. I know. And I'm like, I'm literally eating nothing and I'm like, literally a full on attack. Always. A constant. A constant.

A constant fire. Yeah. Fred fire. Same. Yeah. Okay. All right. Nick. That's it. Oh, also, New Girls, season five coming up. Hahaha. You won't believe what the guys are up to. The best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, best, Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.

Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.

Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.

Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Just don't overdo it. Even chocolate stops being awesome if you eat too much chocolate. Anyone who didn't appreciate what Pigly and Mo were doing just weren't capable of understanding their undeniable chemistry. I mean, they very well might've saved that grandpa's life who wouldn't stop giving himself heat stroke.

They stopped someone from using their roommate's vaginal scrub on their face. I need more. I want a spinoff. This is Dylan from the Pacific Northwest. Long live Pigly and Moe. Hey, if you guys can save Pigly and Moe, that'd be great. Pigly owes me five bucks, so do with that information as you will. They're my dogs. They saved my life.

Let's save theirs. Hey guys, this is Reedy from Canada. I just want to say I love the show so much and life, letareth and Jake. This is Lauren from Arkansas. I love your podcast and think it is hilarious. I am a therapist in the Central Arkansas area who recently had a conversation with my dad about how the temperature affects your sleep because they like to sleep at about, my parents like to sleep at about, my parents like to sleep at about 75 degrees. So instead of going for Pickley and Moe, I just did a quick Google,

and Cleveland Clinic and WebMD both say that the ideal sleeping temperature is between 60 and 67 degrees. So my idea is that instead of Pickley and Moe, which if you Google them, a bunch of Piggly Wiggly stores show up, a quick Google would have served in this particular case. Anyway, love the podcast. Hope you all have a great day.

Bye. Dear Mr. Reynolds and dear Mr. Johnson, first I must say your podcast is awesome. Regarding this business with Big Lee and Mole, people must realize it's just a show. It's all just a bit. It's all just for fun. I think they should stay and I'm not the only one. So take my advice and listen to my words. And I think I ran out of things to rhyme. Goodbye. Hello, Jake and Gareth. Long time listener of the show, but I felt compelled to call

in with my voice note here and just audibly gasped out loud on my evening walk when I came to realize that both of you did not know who Aragorn from Lord of the Rings was. Just a pulp. I thought you were my people. I'm from the Midwest. I'm from the Milwaukee area. I love hearing the banter of like Packers, the Bears, you know, the usual stuff. At one point, Gareth talked about Brown Deer Road.

I went to Homestead High School. This is all like in my universe. And then my dreams of being my people are shattered. I don't care if you're into fantasy or not. I'm not. They're good fucking movies. How can you be in the entertainment industry and not have seen these at least once, at least appreciate them as good films.

I am totally devastated, totally disappointed. I really hope you both do your homework. If you like Star Wars, I'm guessing one or both of you like the Star Wars trilogy, you're going to like these movies, at least at face value. Please, please, please make an effort and watch these movies. I think your fans will appreciate it. Thanks. And if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here to Help, you can go to our Patreon at patreon.com slash here to help pod to see our entire catalog.

We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grimm Productions, executive producers Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter, and Natalie Hollis, Associate producer Jesse Thurston, editing, mix and master by Chris Fowler. Theme song by Oliver Raleigh, the cover artwork is by James Fostike, animations by Andrew Strilecki, and if you'd like to see Gareth do stand up on the road, go to garethrentolds.com. Remember all the advice given on we're here to help is for entertainment purposes only and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions. All video episodes of season one are available now on Patreon, and season two video episodes will be available every Monday starting January 20th. Go to patreon.com forward slash here to help pod. Hi, I'm Jessi Klein. And I'm Liz Feldman, and we're the hosts of a new Headgum podcast called Here to Make Friends.

Liz and I met in the writer's room on a little hit TV show called Dead to Me, which is a show about murder. But more importantly, it's also about two women becoming very good friends in their 40s. Which can really happen, and it has happened to us. It's true. Because life has imitated ours. And then it imitated life. Time is a flat circle.

And now. We're making a podcast that's about making friends. And we're inviting an incredible guest like Vanessa Bear. Wow, I have so much to say. Lisa Kudrow. Feelings, they're a nuisance. Nick Kroll. I just wanted to say hi. And Matt Rogers. Feelings. They're a nuisance. Nick Kroll. I just wanted to say hi.

Matt Rogers. I'm like on the verge of tears. So good. So good to join us and hopefully become our friends in real life? Yeah, take it out of the podcast studio and into real life. Along the way, we are also going to talk about dating. Yep. Spousing. True.

Parenting. Uh-huh. Career-ing. Yeah. And why we love film, and Louisa and his greatest movie of all time. Shouldn't need to be said. No, we said it. But it's just a true thing. So please subscribe to Here to Make Friends on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Pocket Casts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

And watch video episodes on YouTube. New episodes every Friday.