We're Here to Help - 179: Gareth's Faves: Nothing But Cats (Re-Release)

Episode Date: June 11, 2025

For this re-release episode, Gareth picks three calls featuring cats. First, Jake goes full dad on a caller who feeds her cat ear wax. Then, the guys help a caller whose cat likes to watch. Last, it's the Dog, the Cat and the Rat with guest helper Cat Reitman.Want to call in? Email your question to [e-mail]: https://patreon.com/heretohelppodMERCH: heretohelppod.comINSTAGRAM: @HereToHelpPodIf you’re enjoying the show, make sure to rate We’re Here to Help 5-Stars on Apple Podcasts.Advertise on We’re Here to Help via Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. And we are back! We got a Gareth special Wednesday release. I've missed these because we've had a lot of guests. Yeah, I think, you know, well, you and I were talking and trying to curate these a little bit more, but I agree. I think it's it's fun It's fun. It's a fun way to look back and look if you want to complain complain, but uh

but jake for this one, I wanted to do a um A full episode featuring Cat And to answer anyone's question not Mrs ginger Gingerbread. Because it felt like we had a lot of the gingerbread going on. A lot of people hate it. A lot of people are upset, a lot of people loved it.

I still love it. You know what's been fun about season two and what I appreciate about the community? What? They've gotten very vocal. Yes, yes. But those who love stuff, the debates have been fun. It's just making it, it's a whole different galaxy, but it's been fun. I think since you said that the show returned

because of the outpouring, I think people realize there is a democratization factor in this show. And there is. And we hear you. Because we're making it up as we go. We're doing a lot of these episodes. Yes. So a full cat episode for me, Jake, starts with, and it might not be in this order, but the calls, the first one is maybe it's got to be up there with my favorite U calls. It's a cat one. Yeah. Do you calls. It's- A cat one. Yeah, do you not remember the one

where you really came out, you became a dad? No. Nothing's ringing a bell? The cat one for me is always you and Jose. No, this was a caller who called the show because she had found herself in the midst of a problem and she needed someone to talk to her and set her straight. And while I was probably pitching certain ways

to wean her cat off of the cat's addiction, you decided that yelling was the best approach and I think it ended up working the best. It's the girl who fed her cat her earwax. Oh my God. And her cat was craving earwax. This is disgusting. Disgusting and we don cat was craving earwax. This is disgusting. Disgusting. And I don't we don't need to bring you back. This is disgusting. You were disgusted as we all

were. And what were you? Well, I don't remember what I was pitching as much. I just remember the second you started. Holy shit. I wouldn't even say you pitched. You just shut down. That's not a pitch and and it worked I think it was what she needed to hear at the time The second attack is there any chance we could reach out to her and see if she could just send a voice note of how She's doing Yeah, yeah, okay. Great great the second call is is one where

Basically there was a cat, I believe the name was Sushi. Who kept watching. This is a great idea, Gareth. Who kept watching. Watching, it's the sex. The sex. And I won't get too deep into it.

No. But it's Sushi. This is a great idea. Sushi was watching them have sex. And I mean, Sushi liked to watch. Yes. Sushi liked to be the cuck. And then the third one is about a cat named Cat Reitman.

The cat. We love having on the show. And this is Cat's first call on the show was this the cat the dog and the rat That's exactly what it rates. It's those three and I think it was when I think her appearance was one where we started going Like we'd had guests and we obviously were into that but she came in and she was so fucking funny Totally right that we were like, holy shit, this is just. Really fun. A lot of fun.

So. What a great idea to do cat themed GR. A cat themed episode. Ooh, you just changed the game a little bit. Well, I think people will like it and I really think there's. Everybody's winning on this one. So so this is the Wednesday re-release. These are the cat centric episodes.

Enjoy the show. This episode is sponsored by Kachava. Kachava, Jake, a big fan of Kachava. Basically, it's a protein energizing drink that you can take with you anywhere. There's a lot of times, I mean, I know both of us, when you're like working, you're out of your comfort zone,

sometimes you need a quick boost of energy or protein. I'll tell you what, Gareth, I brought it with me to Alaska. I was enjoying the goji berries, the chia seeds. I felt very healthy. It was 25 grams of a hundred percent plant-based protein. I like the chocolate. I like the vanilla. It was healthy and delicious. I like the matcha and the coconut asahi. There's a lot of flavors, but like Jake said, 25 grams of protein, which

is a lot. And like we said, the flavors are chocolate, vanilla, chai, matcha, or coconut asahi. Two scoops giving you a bunch of superfoods, no artificial flavors, no non-GMO, there's no soy, there's no animal products, but what it does have is great flavor and lots of protein, so you're going to love it. It tastes genuinely good. It really does. And it gives you everything you want. So if you're looking for something nice and easy to get all your health in, you can do

it with fro. You can do it in a smoothie. I add a little bit of peanut butter to it. I make a little smoothie in the morning with the ice, and I enjoy it. So try Kachava. K-A-C-H-A-V-A dot com code here to help for 15% off. That's Kachava. K-A-C-H-A-V-A dot com code here to help for 15% off. Why don't I introduce you to start? Okay. Hello. Hello. Hey caller. Thanks for joining Jake has been pretty bad at the intros today. So we're gonna let him handle this one I give to you now Jake Johnson Jake. Hi

Hi, hi there hi, what's your name? Yeah. Hi. I'm here too. What's your name? My name is Aubrey Aubrey with a B. I mean or D like a or D like a Plaza I'm in a solid not funny zone But it's become funny agree okay for you. It's great for me Aubrey starting the call with hi like she's like Kevin. I don't know this is like does somebody else talk Yeah, so Aubrey with a B. What city and state are you in? I am from Milwaukee, Wisconsin You know my brother had his bachelor party in Milwaukee. Well, you have Wisconsin ties.

Oh yeah, for sure. Yeah. And I love Milwaukee. Could be a show title, spin-off, Wisconsin Ties. Great city. Yeah. Okay, where in Milwaukee you live in Aubrey? So I was in River West for a while.

Sure. And I'm on the outskirts. Oh, beautiful. Subway to Milwaukee. So almost River East. That's great. Good for you. You drinking a lot of beer out there?

How old are you? Hell yeah, I'm 25. 25. What's your favorite bar? Let's give them a shout out. Oh yeah. Art Bar is my favorite bar in River Last. It's amazing.

Art Bar? Hey, everybody at Art Bar, if Aubrey comes in, can we please give this woman a free drink? Yeah, maybe a shot. What do you do? Do you take shots, Aubrey comes in, can we please give this woman a free drink? Yeah, maybe a shot. What do you do? You take shots, Aubrey? I am definitely more of a sour beer girl. Okay. All right. Well, give her a sour beer. All right, Aubrey. Oh, yeah. What's the call about? Is it okay? I feel like drinking. Go ahead, Aubrey. I would love a drink. I would drink. It is. What is it? A lemon?

I would drink. Okay. Go ahead, Aubrey. What can we help you with? Yeah. So I have an orange girl cat She's really really sweet, but really do you need me or is this just a garroth call go to the car Jake? I'll handle everything from Milwaukee, Wisconsin I got a big fat cat and I'm a little bit lonesome and I wear a vest garroth. So I am garroth algorithm You are Gareth's Instagram. Honestly. If you were four random people with not a lot of teeth from another country singing, you would be mine. Okay, keep going.

This is great. Orange Cat. What's the cat's name Aubrey? Her name's Lavi, like say Lovie. Okay, it's cute. Yes So a while back he started digging into my bathroom trash bin and he pulled out my q-tip and He licked it clean off like a freaking popsicle. So this is what I'm saying about animals is they're disgusting They're not our children. Well, you've got friends who've done that keep going Disgusting they're not our children. Well, you've got friends who've done that keep going

So I'm like an actually a curious person and I was like why the heck do you like earwax and I fed it to her Directly from the floor if this cat talks, I'm moving on hold the fuck on. Yeah, you confronted her. Hold on Yeah, don't blow past this Don't blow past this. You got a big old fat cat named Livy. It ate your earwax and you picked your ear and gave it to the cat? Yeah, I was really curious to see if she'd eat it. I don't know how I missed that. I think I was so enamored that I didn't hear that part. This is animal abuse, is it not?

Well, it's hard to say, Jake. I mean, it's certainly real Wisconsin Wisconsin they call earwax the head pops a hundred thousand people in Green Bay are like Why is your guy being so mean to me? Play it's you got food in your ear give it to your animals It's just gonna sit in your head. You know they say money doesn't grow on trees well food does grow in our ears Alright, so give the cats from your ear candy

Don't you spin this you mad woman You're claiming you have a protein source in your ear for After a gym session Start eating from your ear or just like pick your ears and just feed it to random dogs and go to somebody's house and do This food source. Oh my god beautiful cat. Do you mind if I just pick my ear and feed it's a protein source I'll tell you what they're gonna do Do they're gonna knock you out sit good boy All right, so keep going you pick your ear protein. Yes He's obsessed with it like she'll come to me and she's

Where she gets mad if I don't do it, it's obviously weird and I need to stop and so I'm like What what is something else I can give to her? It's also like a bonding call Jesus Christ, are you asking what other thing on your body you can feed the cat with? Cat food. Yeah, I just need something else to give her that's just as special Cat treats. So so here's what I really feel like this call is Aubrey you and I were vibing we were connected We were on the same page, and then you're feeding your cat from your head.

You know what I really feel like this call is, Aubrey? What I honestly in my gut feel? I feel like I'm out with Gareth and he's introducing me to his new girlfriend, and I'm sitting there and we're all talking and you're telling it and Gareth is drinking a red wine laughing going like, yep, I get it. And I'm going, these two fucking banana head deserve each other or or or it's like this where I'm like look I met a girl we have so much in common She's great. She's great. She's a cat. She's way younger than me is what you should say

She's way younger than me which is great which is great like I'm like like I'm dropping references that I think she'll know and she's like What's Wayne's world like it's great Do you know what i'm saying? It's just one thing little thing little thing just again not a flag. What is it buddy? Well, she just wait. Let's do this Okay. Yeah, all right. Aubrey. We're gonna play something out really fast. All right, let's do this for real Okay, all right. So gareth and I are at headgear great record today, man. Yeah really really fun stuff. You know my girlfriend well, not my girlfriend, but this girl I've been going out Oh, yeah, you really like the young one. Yeah. Yeah, she really likes the show. Yeah Yeah, I mean, I think she just wants to come down watch taping one day

I don't know if she's ready for the camera, you know, she doesn't have the vest but but you know, the thing is that Like everything's good, dude. She's from the same place as me like we go out drinking She's from London. No from Milwaukee. So we have the but aren't you from England? You just kind of fake what Scott's it's a confusing origin story I'm not even sure to be honest with you. Okay, but but it's a bit of a mix-match, but hold on. I'm sorry one second Yeah, can I get another beer for me and whatever? I have a Malbec, please So, um, so yes, I'm so sorry one second. Thank you so much. Yeah, of course, I'll take a selfie really So you like that too? Yeah, wonderful. Oh, you like new girl. You've watched have you seen the last season? Okay, they have it. No, I or they have it. I'm so sorry. Hold on

Nice to meet you Steven Spielberg. I'd on. Nice to meet you, Steven Spielberg. I'd love to talk projects with you. Oh, Spielberg, eh? Hello. Keep going. I'm so sorry. Hold on one second. Jesus Christ, you can't go out with Jake.

Hello, business manager? Yeah. It's done what on the stock market? Well, I guess we need to give all- What's the stock market? We need to give all that to charity, because that's my vibe. OK, clearly there was no one on the other end of that phone

call. So she's great. And she has this cat and I love this cat. Her cat's name is Lavi. Say Lavi. Say Lavi. Exactly. So French, which I should adore.

It's the language of love. I should adore. Uh-huh. Okey dokey. And so it's great. Good. One thing is that the cat and her, I guess, have this, they've developed this sort of thing where she feeds the cat her earwax, which I don't love, but I'm also willing to

kind of like, like I really like her. Like everything about her is great. Again, I mean, she likes sour beer. You know, she's down for, it's pretty, she's great. We're hanging out in River West when I go back. So, but so there's all that, but she's, yeah, the cat, I guess, pines for the protein. I guess there's a lot of protein in your earwax. Nobody would know that, obviously. But she's feeding the cat the her earwax. And I mean, I'm not saying like she like there's, you know, she's got like a special nail, like she calls it the

digger. And so she takes the I don't think you need to invent stuff. This story is as weird as it gets Aubrey before the digger part. How did you judge you? Oh Yeah, it's weird I Completely own that I'm a weirdo How do we get out of this Jake allow me to just Yeah, Aubrey. Do you have a specific finger and nail that you do it with I Do not? a specific finger and nail that you do it with? I do not. Oh, damn it. So it's really spreading the wealth over there. So Aubrey, the question is now we've set it up. We're all three on the same page.

We got to get out of this behavior, correct? Yes. Yeah. So the question- And it can't just be a cat tree because she doesn't care about that as much. It's like she's upset. So I got my first pitch. Go. You've created a crack addict. You don't say to someone you love who is smoking crack all the time,

well, let me give you less crack or let me give you heroin or let me give you this other pharmaceutical drug. You know what you do? You handcuff them to a radiator Let them sweat it out for four days as they barf in a bucket and then when it's all over cold turkey It's a fucking cat that's locked in between the walls of your apartment. You just say no Come on and when the cat gets close you go no and when it goes to your ear you go

We both made a lot of mistakes but it ends now I don't care how we got here it we got here because of my bad behavior but we're gonna get out of here because of my good behavior Aubrey how long has this been going on good question um it's been about two years already. Jesus Christ Aubrey Aubrey now listen to me. I'm way too old to be a partner. I'm talking to you like you're my child You listen up young lady. Are you out of your fucking mind? You're feeding a cat earwax for two years You stop this right now We're not Gareth. We're not doing three pitches this is a one pitch call Aubrey stop feeding your fucking cat your earwax you hear me young

lady I think we got a clip I mean we definitely got a clip. But Aubrey do you I'm tell I'm talking to you now like a dad do you hear me this is out of line. She can hear you very clearly she's got nothing blocking it Aubrey this ends today My god, I'll tell you what honey. I'll drive up there with your mom. I'll take the cat from you Mom and I will be there in the in the Oldsmobile. I'll leave I'll leave Chicago after work today I'll be there.'ll be there by 715 okay I will take that fucking cat and I will bring it back to this planes where your mother and I know live do you understand what I'm saying young lady it ends today it

ends today if you stick your finger in your fucking ear and you give it to this cat one more time Livy belongs to me and your mom. Am I crystal clear young lady? It ends today. Say it back. And the other thing I want you to do, are you near that cat? I'm not. Okay, the second you get home, and honey I had to do this to you when you were a kid about some of my yelling. You look eye to eye to that cat and you apologize for your behavior. You say to that cat out loud and I got certain friends, Eric being one of them, that believes animals can understand English and he talks to him like they understand English and then he goes, they're smarter

than you think brother. And I go, are squirrels smarter than you think? And he goes, you ruin everything. So I want you to look in that cat's eyes and I want you to say, I am sorry for my behavior. We are in a world of trouble together and I'm going to be the adult that get us out of this. Aubrey, I- Yeah, I think I needed to hear that. Aubrey. Aubrey, you are in a cycle of madness and we need to pull you out before it gets worse

and worse. Who knows what else this cat's going to be begging to eat out of your body. How old is the cat? It's going to be dead soon. She's four. She's four. So half of her life, she has been thinking that eating ear amber is normal. Yeah.

Yeah. I honestly, I had little pitches like you can pretend the treat comes from your ear, but I think Jake is right. Let's hear your pitches. Well, I think if you, I think you maybe you're doing the Indiana Jones, you know, you've got the idol in the bag of sand. Again, a reference, you're going to have no clue what I'm talking about on Aubrey, but some of our other- She's like the movie we're showing about?

Yeah, I do. Yeah, exactly. She's like, the movie we're showing about? Yeah, I do. Yeah, exactly. She's like, the Crystal Skull? No. Okay, we're talking, I think we're talking Raiders of the Lost Ark. So maybe what you can do is get like a, you know, some kind of little like treat that is like in a little package that looks- So put it in your ear, it gets flavored by ear.

You just put your finger in the treat and then you fake dig in your ear so we don't have to put treats in your ear because then you could be going to a rapid care and then you're sort of Showing the cat that treat and you could kind of do that for a little while, but I think what Jake's right That's just methadone. But do you we need to do any other little guys because that's there's a fun thing to that That's that's okay. That's really you sold me with your rage So I don't mind I do think there's something really funny about putting them fake in years, but I still think that you got to just go cold turkey Aubrey What the hell are you gonna do?

We're back to you here later Yeah, I think I just need someone to tell me to knock it off. Just quick cold turkey I mean, it's gotten to the point where like other people know about it and it's weird obviously Yeah, yeah, yeah, it is Yeah, it's so at the end of the day, you know Look, we're not really judging if you knew everything the old Garf man and Jakey Jay has done with stuff out of our ears to Even begin you would realize you're not the weird one We are yeah, but it is time to stop this shit. And by a week and a half from right

now this thing's got to be a distant memory from your past when you went down a weird alley. But it's time to go to the street where the street lights are on and people could see what you're doing. Yeah. I unfortunately, Aubrey, I think we all know the truth and Jake hit you with a heavy dose of it. And it's time to stop not just for you but for the cat and just for anyone who you get close to. This is a flag. This is not great. Will you follow up when you have executed this if there is a backlash from Livy, which there will be because you've created an addict, but when she's out of her phase of addiction,

will you give us a happy ending update? And maybe if we could get a video of the process of kind of getting her off the junk. Yeah, that's it. Maybe a video of Libby pining for the junk. If she's going after your ear, will you film on your phone you telling her no? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's a great idea. Yeah, absolutely.

I will. Okay. Hey Aubrey, we wish you the best. That's a great idea. Absolutely, I will. Okay. Hey Aubrey, we wish you the best. Good luck, but it ends today. My God. All right, thank you guys. Thanks for the call. Thank you, Aubrey.

Oh my God. All right, bye bye, take care. Bye. That was fucking incredible. Hello, this is Aubrey with an update on my cat who loves earwax. I did stop giving it to her from the source and she slowly, eventually she stopped biting me and pestering me. But I have noticed, so we recently got a new cat and his name's Baloo and she eats his earwax instead.

So I don't know if that's a win, but at least she's not eating mine. Hi, who's this? This is Maddie. Hi, Mad's this? This is Maddie. Hi, Maddie. Hello. How you doing?

I'm good. How are you? Good. This is Jake and you're on with Gareth the Garf Man Reynolds. Hello, Gareth. Hello, Jake. Hey, Maddie. How are you?

So, Maddie, what can we do for you today? What's the issue at hand? What can we try to crack open as the three of us? When your partner's in crime here, we're on your team. What do we got? So the other night, my cat was in my room while I was doing the deed. And ever since then, he has been just nonstop humping me.

And I'm not sure what to do about it. When you say the deed, is this... Yes. Is there a co-signer on the deed or is this your mortgage? There is a co-signer. There's a co-signer, okay. There's a co-signer. Because if the cat watched her masturbate and then started humping her, it's a very different question.

It's just an audience. Then the cat cat saying like I'm right here. I am right here. I love you Then it's not a question of jealousy it's a it's a comment on love and loyalty Arguably a bigger issue. Yeah motherfucker. I'm in love with you Put down that fucking flashlight I am in love with you. Let's go. Put down that fucking flashlight, I am in love with you. What were you looking for? So you had somebody over, you guys did what came naturally to you two,

and your cat, what's your cat's name? His name's Sushi. Sushi? And how long have you had Sushi? Three years. What's this guy's name if you don't mind me asking? His name's Riley. Riley, Riley and Sushi and Maddie.

He will be listening to this. Let's be honest, is the thing that Sushi saw you and Riley do, were you guys pulling out some moves that were new to Sushi? Was there something about this session? Was this a special event? Was it special? Exactly right.

Yeah, you know, it was a good one. I mean, it just felt like he was more ingrained in this one. You talking about Riley or sushi? Yeah, we gotta use names. Sushi, sushi, sorry. Okay, sushi. So it seemed like you and Riley were really connecting. It was going well.

Both of you were performing at a high level and sushi was into it. He was invested and at that point it was like, I can't really just stop this to kick him out. Yeah, because it was going. to kick him out and he screams at the door, you know, when I lock him out. So it's not like it's a mood killer. OK, so the cat is a little possessive of you to begin with. Yeah, to begin with. Yeah. Really quick pause and then we'll get back into it.

Gareth, I know you have a tattoo of your cat on your arm. That's what you're impressed by. Has Jose ever watched you have sex with another? Follow-up question, does Jose scream to leave? I'll answer Kevin's first, no. Thank you. Everyone would want to be part of the show. And he has.

And he's, yeah, I I mean but not in the way everywhere I Feel like he he's in any way Observing something he enjoys. I he always looks like what's going on. He looks freaked out. Yeah As anyone would be if they saw me in the act Can I ask a question Maddie about this? So you and met you and Riley have sex sushi watches leaves. How soon after that does sushi make his move? Right? Yeah, that was probably like an hour or two after.

So a couple hours after Riley leaves, sushi goes my turn jumps on you start pumping. And what do you do? Maddie? You just shove that little puss off. Yeah, because because he starts doing it. And I'm like, oh, he's just making muffins like usual. For Liz, sorry.

Real quick, Maddie, let me jump in here. For those of you listeners like Jake or other people who maybe are not familiar with making the muffins, AKA making the biscuits, depending on the regionality of your cat, that is when the cat will get on a blanket or something soft that they enjoy. And they'll be getting sort of,

no, Jake, please, we're trying to keep it wholesome. This one's for the kids. And the cat will start to sort of use their claws and they'll kind of, like a baker would knead the dough, they'll kind of start kneading the blanket to prepare it for themselves to sleep in it or rest inside. And you thought Sushi was making the biscuits when he started humping you, Patty?

Yeah, it was like, it was a new motion. Yeah. Yeah, biscuits. Quick pause, has Riley come back for a second time? He has come back, and he's aware of the new situation. Did Sushi watch round number two? He may have been in there. Oh, wow. Okay. Great question.

Let's label a great question when we hear one. Great question. Thanks. So Sushi has now, can I just ask again, how many times has Raleigh been, how many times has Sushi watched you and Raleigh have sex? Over, under, is it five? Probably under five. Okay, under five.

So more than two. Yeah. Yeah. This is I would say three. I would say three. Let's go. So can I ask you a question, Maddie? This one's now I hate to be a sushi seems to be a little predator, and I don't want to be on the Predators team here.

But can I ask you a question? Yeah. If I had sex with my partner and a dog watched and then later the dog tried to fuck me, I don't think I'd ever have sex in front of the dog again. Yeah, no, that's because I would say I think I'm teaching this dog to get on top of me. Maddie, you've done it three times without an adjustment. What's happening here? I know. Okay. That was probably the second to the last time. And I think, I think it's just like, I just forget he's there. And I you're right. You're right. I need to, I

need to make this a different. So I think I got a zone. Unless Garf, you want to jump in? No, I think I seem to be chomping. No, I am. I'm ready. I have some thoughts. So I feel like we've got to. Give me your thoughts. Well, OK, this is what I would say. Since the situation has happened thrice, has your relationship with sushi remained the same?

Is there awkwardness? Are you loving sushi, when I say loving, affectionate towards sushi more or less? I think, you know, keeping my distance a little. That's heartbreaking for sushi. That's not what he wants. That's not what sushi wants. No, no, no.

We're working through it. I think in order to work through it, what I would suggest is you... Look, it doesn't help that I'll be frank, your cat now knows how to fuck. But what I think will be helpful will be if your cat feels like it's not, like if I put myself in Sushi's head space,

Sushi's like, I'm losing you. And Sushi's wires are all crossed and crazy and so Sushi's doing what what sushi can do to keep you. And then the fact that you're maybe allowing some distance is driving sushi crazy. By the way, you doing this emotional cat POV talk with a painting of a cat behind you is an out-of-body experience for me.

Thank you. Thank you. Matty, you can't see this. He has a tattoo of his cat on his arm, and behind him is a painting of his cat and he's talking about how the cat's point of view is afraid of losing him. Yeah. This is just the most emotional I've ever seen

the Garf Man in my life. Oh my God. Garf, keep, you're in it. I'm cooking. So I think the worst thing to do is for you to allow sushi to think like, oh yeah, there's a difference now. So what I would suggest is that you overdo it with kindness with sushi.

Lots of affection, lots of love, make sushi feel like there's no worry that sushi's gonna lose you. And on top of that, I would suggest maybe a little, I mean we've all seen dogs do it, they'll curl the blankets up and they'll go to town. I would suggest maybe a little sushi pal. A little stuffed animal, let me finish. A little stuffed animal we'll call Wasabi

or something like that. Just something there that if sushi needs a... What kind of level of perversion are you pitching here, you creep? A little fuck toy for a cat? This is a bifurcated pitch. They make masturbating toys for animals and people buy these? They have animatronic cats. Oh my lord.

Well, I mean, I'm not saying we get a real doll for the cat, but I'm just saying maybe a little outlet for the sushi push. That's all really good emotional advice and I think that could work. Here's another solution. A spray bottle of water. And when the cat gets on you, spray it. No, no, no.

Go, get out of here, sushi. Go, get out of here, stop trying to fight me. I'm not opposed to a sushi no, sushi a like sushi. No, so she know. Yeah, I know. You know what you're pitching is this sushi. No, go make love to that weird. To know that you need to stop you while I watch. I live in a world of weirdness and madness in this apartment.

I'm pitching. I'm creating a cat masturbating temple. You weirdo. I'm pitching. I'm pitching. Sushi. No, but sushi. It's OK. temple, you weirdo. Pass. I'm pitching, sushi no, but sushi, it's okay. I love you. I love you, sushi. Okay, listen, but hold on.

Now let's go, you went in the POV of sushi. I'm going in the POV of Riley. I go there for the fourth time, she's like, hey, that was so fun, you wanna get in bed? And I go, yeah, we get in bed. It starts getting on, the cat starts watching, she goes, hold on, sushi no. Sushi, go to Wasabi, yeah, we get in bed. It starts getting on. The cat starts watching. She goes, hold on, sushi no. Sushi, go to Wasabi, yeah.

Yeah. I'm talking about a sushi. I'm talking about a sushi. And I, as Riley, go, Riley no. Riley out of here. You're a crazy person. I'm saying we do the sushi no for the sushi humping. I'm not saying we need to stop the act.

How about this? If you're Riley and you go to a woman's house and you go like this, how's that, your cat? Oh my god, it's fucking to stop the act. How about this, if you're Riley and you go to a woman's house and you go like this, oh is that your cat? Oh my god, it's fucking that pillow. And she goes like this, oh that's Wasabi, it's his fuck toy that I got him. Walking out.

No. Yes I would. If I went to someone's house and there was a dog openly humping a pillow, and I go, hey man, your dog's humping a pillow. And he goes, I know, I got that pillow for her, it's a fuck pillow. I'll go what?

So in the end yeah, erath recommends you give this cat as much love as you can You get away with you give it a little fuck toy Right when it tries to hump you, you go, no. But then you instantly fill it with love. I recommend Riley comes by and gives it some attention. You never allow the cat to be in the room while you have sex. And you definitely don't get it a fuck toy. Now, at the end of the show, what we like to do is, what do you think you're going to do?

I think I'm going to take this all in. I'm going to just firmly shut him out the door. I'm going to give him some love. I'm looking at him right now. Okay. Yeah. What's the vibe? What's his vibe?

Yeah. What's the vibe? He's in the corner. He's sleeping. Okay. He's faking. He's faking he's in the corner he's sleeping? Okay He's yeah, he's all wiped out he knows you're on a zoo he's like this Once you hang up I make a move sushi strike So you're gonna you're gonna show sushi some love

Yeah, you're going to block sushi out of the room? Yes. And is that it, Maddie? Is that where you're at? That's where I'm at. Thank you guys. Thank you so much for the call. Keep us, I'm very invested in this one

and I don't know if it's just because I have a cat too and a painting of my cat behind me But please let us know in like a month or so how this develops, please Okay, I'm curious to see what happens with the break. Okay, I will Hello hi there Hello Hello. Hi there. Thank you. Hello. We're here to help. You've got Jake Johnson, co-host, you've got Gareth Reynolds,

and we have an extremely special guest joining us for your call. But you should be very excited. Okay. Truly, this sounds bad, but maybe one of my oldest friends in the business ever. A friend of mine who I met on the Forgettable show, the Real Wedding Crashers, but she is unforgettable outside of that. You have the great Kat Reitman joining as well.

So you've got three heavy hitters with advice. Hi there. So can we get your name unless you'd like to change it, we're offering a pseudonym and we just get your age and then we'll get into how we can help you. Sure. So I'm going to use the name Sally because like Sally O'Malley, I'm 50 years old and I live in the great state of Western Massachusetts.

OK, love it. And Sally. Great state of Western Massachusetts. Yeah, yeah, we are. It's a whole other world out here. Hey, well, the state is the whole thing. The whole state is Massachusetts. Hey, Jack. All right. All right. I'm excited to go to the big battle between Western and Eastern Massachusetts. What a fight.

Don't go there. Not on this podcast. Don't do that. You know what? You're right, Pat. We're not political. We like the West and the East side of America. It's the Civil War. The Civil War.

Fighting for the lobster and the fucking tea. Okay, Sally. So why don't you? Why don't you tell us why you're following it? All right. Well, I've been with my now husband for about 22 years. We got married 11 years ago. Thank you. We raised a pair of twins together. They're now out of school and going to work. Boys or girls?

They're important. Two boys. Boys, as Bert Kreischer would ask, conjoined? Are they fraternal or identical? Or connected. He literally asked, we did his podcast and he goes, cause I have twins too, Sally. He goes, you guys got, you have twins?

And I go, yeah. And he goes, are they conjoined? Oh my God, that's a great follow up. I'm going to use that. So you got twin, you got twin boys and they're fraternal or identical, Sally? They are fraternal. Okay.

I also had two adult daughters, but they're from a first marriage. Okay. Okay. No, I don't count those. They don fraternal. Okay. I also have two adult daughters, but they're from a first marriage. Okay. Okay. No, I don't count those. They don't exist. Are they conjoined? Can we have them?

No. Okay. Can we have them conjoined? Is that what you asked, Karen? Yeah. Just I know a guy. He's the best. He's the best.

Okay, Sally. So what's the problem, Sally? So it's not really a problem per se. So when we first got married or got together as a couple, my husband was a virgin. He's a very shy person, very introverted. He's fresh out of the Marine Corps. And so here we are, fast forward all these years later, we've had an incredible marriage, we're very happy, love each other, yada yada, all that great stuff.

And back then when we first got together, I would routinely want to sort of say, maybe we need to slow down, we should go experience the world. I had all these experiences and you have it. At the time, it wasn't something that was important to him. I love where this is going. Sally, so do I.

Yeah, keep going. So now, you know, keep going, keep going, keep going. 41. But back then I'd even said to him, you know what? Listen, if we're going to do this thing and we're going to be in a committed relationship, I need you to know that at any point, if you feel the need to go out in the world, try something different, you get a hall path, right? Wow. Who did he bang Sally?

Nobody. Honestly, it was like we've forgotten, like I had forgotten about it, but clearly he hadn't. So about a month ago, it came up. It came up. You brought it up or you brought it up? Well, see, that's the tricky part. It sort of accidentally came into my line of vision. So he had asked me to check something on his computer.

This always starts this way, right? And we see something. By the way, that is your third intense, here we go, Kat. I'm waiting. I'm desperately waiting. I know, but you are really ready to get mad. Your catchphrase on this is here we go with Katherine Reitman. It's a pod within a pod on this is here we go with Catherine Reitman. It's a pod within a pod.

Yeah, here we go. All right. I'm dying for a spinoff. I'm dying for a spinoff. Here we go is the spinoff. So Sally, how do you accidentally find it? Walk us through that. And what do you find? I just so all I did was I went to type in the search bar, right? He asked me to go on my computer, just hop in my email and just forward this thing.

And I just like opened up the browser, you go to type into, you know, the bar, put an address in and you know, it always comes up with like history or like recent and it was very innocuous. It was something like how to remind your wife about a hall path. Here we go.

Here we go. Wow. Here we go. And that was it. So I brought it to him. It's the only thing he's looked up for months. Yeah. I'm sure. Oh, yeah, right?

So how do you approach him about it? Is this the kind of thing that you just casually were like, you know, do you admit that you found it? Yeah, good question. I did. I did. We're very open and you know, and I just said, hey, uh, you know, when I was sending you that thing, I have noticed and he got really embarrassed.

Of course he did. It's embarrassing. Right. And I was just like, listen, like, if this is something that we want to do, he goes, okay, hold on a second. He's like, you offer that to me over 20 years ago. He's like, clearly that doesn't count. And now it's like a new thing.

He's like, how does it make you feel? He's backtracking. He's backtracking. Hold on, Sally, Sally, Sally, Sally, Sally as a guy I know his move, he doesn't Google it to say like, it's the last thing I was thinking about. We shouldn't even be thinking about it. Where is this coming from?

Check my second Google search and is how to tell a wife that the hall pass she mentioned I want nothing to do with. That's not what he Googled. How does he know the hall pass Googles to? That's not what he Googled. By the way, what can we call your husband, Sally? Let's give a name. Oh, it's Colin Jack.

Jack and Sally. My question, and I believe more importantly, here we go, is do you think Jack was curious about like, hey, I'm just trying to awaken my franken beans? Or is it I saw someone, I connected with someone and I purely am interested in her being the hall pass and does that worry you? Does that excite you?

Where are you with it? Ooh, if it's that, that's dangerous. By the way, Kat, that was my first spit take of this podcast we've ever done. Yeah. Here we go. On the computer. Yeah, that was a real here we go.

Yeah, that was a real here we go. Kat, how are you already holding up a real here we go. Yeah, that was a real here we go. How are you already holding up merch for Here We Go with Kat Wright? Imagine? I just came from my plan. Here we go with Kat Wright. Here we go.

Kat's within. We're here to help. My problem with the original podcast is they just didn't ramp it again. You know, they can ramp it all the time. Sorry. Sally, Jack, why did Jack bring it up? Do you think? Or did he admit it? Oh, yeah. Well, actually, so he owned it, right?

So he was like, yeah, I did do that, sir. He's like, I was just looking. You know, it was like, we had that conversation a long time ago. He's like, we're gonna do this. He's like, I think we should have a fair, like, talk to a therapist first and just make sure that we're both cool with what's

gonna might happen. You know, and I kind of gauge his interest in it. Like, um, I can tell you his interest 100% sure. I said like on a scale of one to 10 like 10. A thousand. A thousand. I mean nine. I mean six. If your feelings aren't hurt Like on a scale of one to 10, like 10, 1000. I mean, no, I mean, sticks. If your feelings aren't hurt, 100,000. He's at a nine. OK, he's selling some nine. But usually like a two like that.

That was his sort of the second after he masturbates. The second it's done, he's at a two. About an hour later, he's back to a nine. Catherine, you had a here we go. What was your here we go? You know I'm rampant. I can't stand that rampant. Sally, I'm gonna ask a very intrusive question

and feel free to tell me to F right off, but how's the sex? I mean, I imagine you've been married a significant hot. It's good. Hey, hey, you feel satisfied for each other still. Yeah. Yeah. My husband's gorgeous. Like, and the marriage is good. Everything else is good too. Yeah. I'm going to jump in here, Sally. So you guys have brought up a hall pass which takes us to right now What is the question for this? Podcast what can we help you with sally? I guess the question is

How number one how can I convince my husband that I really am on board? Because he seems to have lots of reservations, which is normal Uh does he have reservations? I think so. I think Jack seems shy enough. He doesn't want to ruin his love story. Doesn't want trouble. Yeah. Part of it to him was like, you know, he's like also on the other side of the same coin. How many people do you know can say that? He's like, we just love each other, you know? And it's like, because our marriage is good and because we have a good open communication, he feels that it's, you know, if we were ever going to do it, now's a good time, right? The kids have grown, we're both happy.

Okay. You know, and he extended the whole path to me too, which is hilarious. He's like, oh wow. Okay, so the number one thing is how to convince him that you're okay with it. And then two, is there a second part to this of if you do go forward with it, who does he do it with? Can I just pause? I'm just going to pause because I have a feeling both of these very progressive, open-minded,

awesome guys are going to say absolutely absolutely convince them to do it. And then find the person you want to bang. And my God, what a world. But my concern... Here we go. Here we go. Here we go with Sia. By the way, she's smoking a Capri cigarette right now.

Yeah. Listen. Listen up. I just have just ashtrays everywhere. And books behind you that are so dusty. Here we go. So dusty. Here we go as number 10 on Spotify right now.

I'm coming for you. We're just recording this right now. It's live. I've got six podcasts going at all times. It's all fucking live. Wild. I just can't wait to get off this so I can get onto another podcast and blast jazz. Right.

Listen to me. Listen to me, Sally. Sally, here's my concern, and I'm not going to pretend, like, a lot of very healthy marriages have had a moment where they discuss, like, you know, I'm in this for the long haul. At one point, would you consider this? Here we go. Opening the marriage up, trying this, trying this.

Here we go, here we go. But what I always come back to, and you can call me closed off, is once you go and dip your foot in that water, what's to stop you from going, hey, whenever I got that itch, I just go do it again? And does that in any way, and I know you're being cool and you're being awesome

and he's a virgin coming into this, you're trying to like expose him and that's so open-minded and cool of you. But is there any part of you that wants to honor yourself for a sec? Ooh. Here we go. And just think about how it would affect you.

Does this spoil the pond? Yeah. So you're saying dipping your toe into this might spoil your beautiful pond that you've got with him. Is that where you're going with this gap? I guess so. I mean, you keep saying how beautiful your connection with him is,

that the sex is still great relationship. Are you sure you want to mix that up? Is maybe that's what you need. Maybe that's not. I don't know. Yeah, that was my that's my big concern, right?. Yeah, that was my, that's my big concern, right? I mean, that's what I shared with him almost immediately. You know, okay, we're on the one hand, we're all great and everything's fine. You know, so why would you want to risk

putting a wrinkle in that? I'm going to go in a slightly different direction here than where Kat was going. And I'm going to go with this. Here we go. My version is not a capri cigarette. It's a cigar like a whiskey. Because guess what? Here we go. And I'm on the radio every fucking morning.

Let me tell you what guys want here, Kat. By the way, we have a spinoff, Kat without Gareth. And it's the gal taking the guy. I was going to stay. I just got iced out. Here we go with Jake and Kat. my name is my nickname is the dog. I got some dogs. Cats and cats and cats and I have the rat. No, maybe.

Let me work. I don't. Did you see your rat? Yeah. Let me know. Now, this is cats and dogs. Listen, you're embarrassing yourself. Little bit of cheese. Listen, you're embarrassing yourself a lot. A little bit of cheese is not my favorite. The rat doesn't get it there. Come on.

I need this more than anyone. Stop it. So Sally, here's where I'm going to go with you. This man, he's fallen in love, he seems to be a great husband, you seem to be a great wife, and you guys seem to have a great husband, you seem to be a great wife, and you guys seem to have a great thing.

What I would be nervous about is, because when he has sex with somebody else, he's gonna go like, wow, that magical thing I do with Sally, I can do with others. Wang, wang, wang, wang, wang. Right, and then, you know, you might get addicted to, as Gareth says, is the cheese. But there is a professional path,

because you cannot get addicted to paying somebody who you know doesn't like you, you know is not interested, but it is a professional service. So I would go, if you're going to go down this road, do not meet a random woman where he's like, dude, we got coffee. She likes the same movies as me. Pass on that pass on that path. Right. You've heard from the cat. You've heard from the dog. It's time to hear from the rat. Yeah, let me cheese it up in hopes of my neck doesn't get snapped

by a contraption that outsmarted me here. Sally, I'm sure. Oh, Garrett. Hey, dog, get out of here. Rat dive. You're in the hole with the rat. We live in the walls and Sally pull up a mini stool because I got a matchbox. I sleep it. Kevin caught all the rats. All the rat, by the way, the rat right now on Spotify.

Two thousand eight hundred and four. So things are not good on the Ratcast. Not working. Not good on the Ratcast. This is what I would say. I think everything that has been said is true. What a horrible, what a generic statement, Rat. After all that setup, it's all true. What a rat.

I just wanna promote my sponsor. I just want cheese and I wanna live in your filth. I wanna produce. What a rat. I just want to promote my sponsor. I just want cheese and I want to live in your filth. I just want to promote my sponsor. Obviously, if he is looking for this, he wants this. So I think to some extent- It's going to happen. Yeah, I think it's there. It's going to fester. I think you have to honor it to some extent.

You seem to have a great attitude, not only about this, but just about all of this. You're very understanding. Are you kidding on her? No, the rap's trying to be liked so that his podcast numbers go higher. What I think you got to do is find a rap for yourself. No. I think the way to do it is to be included in the process. I think to what Jake's saying,

I definitely think you want to make this as detached as possible. That's what I would do. I would just go some professional. The good news is I don't think anything like that to him is necessarily going to open up a Pandora's box, especially if you guys are being so healthy about it now. I think that will just kind of give him a taste of what else is out there. You say you have a very sec, a very healthy sex life and a very sexy health life. Um, so I think that it's going to be like just a good way for him to scratch that itch and

not really worry about it from then on. So I think like, I might honestly like to my gut would be like, you know, I would, I would feel more worried than you do. So I just think go the route where he can kind of just get it out of his head and you can talk about it healthily and he's not going to be able to form some attachment. So so I think you do honor it and I would just go the route that the jake is sort of bitch and the dog cat respond. I see you wanting to respond to the rat cats and rats. I think it's a look first of all, you never

trust a rat. Anyone knows that you don't trust rats. You kill them. You kill them to get them out of your house. I think this is a can of worms, Sally. That's what I think. If you were my close friend and I feel like you are, don't get weird about it. Here we go. Don't get weird about it.

Here we go in the worst way. That's a different process. People become friends. Sally. I think it's a can of worms. And I think that, like everyone I know who's either opened their marriage to a threesome or like just this one time or the escort. For me, I feel like there are so many ways

of sexing up your sex life with your partner that doesn't open up this can of worms. And I'm sure you've already explored it. And it sounds like you already, it sounds like this is going to happen, like Dog said. So I don't want to, I don't want to step on it. I would just, uh, I would just keep communication lines open and, uh, you know, so Sally, you've heard kind of three options here. What do you think you're going to do? If we do go forward with this, it's definitely going to be with a professional, but cat mentioned something about, um, you know something about bringing something home to spice it up. So maybe I'll just come up with some creative interlude for us

and just divert the attention away to something else. But I'm open to it. Obviously, we're invested in this story. So if you can keep us posted, please, you know, maybe we could do a follow-up. I would say keep us posted if you go the third, but if the follow-up is like, we have even bonded more than enjoy it.

Yeah, just enjoy it and enjoy it. But if you guys go a third. I love me when there's an update. Yeah, if there's a real update We're very interested in Sally. Thank you so much for the call. Yeah, Jake wants an update if it's a ratings winner. Thanks, Sally Thank you cat for joining us and helping us. Remember listen to cats new podcast. Here we go No. to our Patreon at patreon.com slash here to help pod to see our entire catalog. We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grimm Productions, executive producers Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter and Natalie Hollis, associate producer Jesse Thurston, editing, mix and master by

Chris Fowler. Theme song by Oliver Raleigh, the cover artwork is by James Fostike, animations by Andrew Stralecki, and if you'd like to see Gareth do stand-up on the road, go to garethrentoldes.com. Remember, all of the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions. -♪ Five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, five, will be available every Monday starting January 20th. Go to patreon.com forward slash here to help pod. Hi, I'm Jessie Klein.

And I'm Liz Feldman and we're the hosts of a new Headgum podcast called Here to Make Friends. Liz and I met in the writer's room on a little hit TV show called Dead to Me, which is a show about murder. But more importantly, it's also about two women becoming very good friends in their 40s. Which can really happen and it has happened to us.

It's true. Because life has imitated ours. And then it imitated life. Time is a flat circle. And now. We're making a podcast that's about making friends. And we're inviting incredible guests like Vanessa Bear. Wow, I have so much to say.

Lisa Kudrow. Feelings, they're a nuisance. Nick Kroll. I just wanted to say hi. And Matt Rogers. I'm like on the verge of tears. So good. So good to join us and hopefully become our friends in real life.

Take it out of the podcast studio and into real life. Along the way, we are also going to talk about dating. Yep. Spousing. True. Parenting. Career-ing. Yeah.

And why we love film. And Louisa and It's the Greatest Movie of All Time. Shouldn't need to be said. No, we said it. It's just a true thing. So please subscribe to Here to Make Friends on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Pocket Casts, or wherever you get your podcasts. And watch video episodes on YouTube.

New episodes every Friday.