We're Here to Help - 18: This is Where the Watermelon Comes Into Play with Max Greenfield

Episode Date: October 16, 2023

Jake, Gareth, and special guest Max Greenfield talk to a caller about a physical strength challenge. Later, Jake and Gareth chat with people about a nosey cat and a roommate predicament.  Check out our We’re Here to Help hats at heretohelppod.com! Want to call in? Email your question to [e-mail]. If you’re enjoying the show, make sure to rate We’re Here to Help 5-Stars on Apple Podcasts. Follow the show on Instagram @HereToHelpPod and TikTok also at @HereToHelpPod See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Welcome to another episode of the fantastic America's favorite podcast Jake you can't say that Garf you can't say that, Garf. You can't say that. Yeah, I can. Actually, you can. You just start saying stuff like that. And then people might believe it. Yeah, that's how marketing works.

Think about that. Hey, my friend who I love and I care about, Gareth, what nickname did you just tell me that you gave yourself about living with your mother? What did you call yourself? I honestly, I think I said, what did I say? Sweet baby ginger? What did I say? Sweet, sweet baby ginger. What did I say? Sweet ginger baby.

Sweet ginger baby. So we got a new nickname. Fat Aaron Paul's gone. That was fun. Well, I grieve it. I do not. The amount of comments. Sweet ginger baby.

Way better for me. Not great. Shouldn't have said it, obviously. We would think what Fat Aaron Paul was kind of organically fading away. But here we go. air with jake off air becomes on air with such uh such ease we have a great episode we do my dear friend great co-star from new girl max greenfield comes on the show he is as always he's funny he's the best i love the guy uh He has written a children's book, which I'm sure you guys all know about. But if you don't, it's called I Don't Want to Read This Book.

And it is fantastic. And he's great. And we were very lucky to have him. And then the second call you would think is a little more my wheelhouse, but just a very strange little predicament. Animal ownership can be a roller coaster. and this really proves that in spades. So thank you guys for everybody who's been sharing it, posting about it. Thank you for Caitlin for everything you're doing with social media.

And thanks to everybody. We're having a lot of fun. Yeah, you can go watch us on YouTube. We got stuff everywhere. So with that being said, enjoy the show. Hey, how are you? Hey, how are you? Good. Welcome to the show. You're on the podcast with Gareth Reynolds, Jake Johnson, and a very special guest, my friend, my former co-star, Mr. Max Greenfield. Wow. Oh, I'm such a huge fan. Mr. Max Greenfield.

Wow. I'm such a huge fan. You, Max. He's giving you love, baby. All three of you guys. Thanks. I was going to let Max have a little shine. What's your first name? Oliver. Oliver. Where are you from, Oliver?

I'm from Long Island, New York. Yeah, baby. How old are you oliver uh 25 25 now you got a serious problem today um well it's serious to me uh we'll see how serious everybody else oliver if it's serious to you baby that's all that matters let us know where you're at what's happening good stuff that's what i like to hear so i may um i guess you'd call it a content creator and a documentarian but i make a lot do you actually make documentaries or do you just make content and you're referring to yourself as a documentarian a little bit of both a little bit of both um i i definitely do you make hold on oliver do you make documentaries

do you just film content and don't want to just say content creator? You know what? We'll call it what you want. I think it's a little bit better than just a standard YouTube video. I do travel. I do invest money into the content that I'm making. Okay. I respect. I respect. Okay. So what's our issue? So the topics that I usually cover are kind of silly individual quests. And so last year, I was weighing in at almost 400 pounds. And so I hit the gym and I got really into shape. However, you were a 400 pounder, my man?

Almost. I didn't quite break the brink, but I was on the way. What's your height? What are you walking around at? I'm six foot even. Six foot 400 interesting okay nice four bucks okay so you said this is getting too big i was getting way too big it was you know i'm a big fat party animal and that's fine with me but uh it's getting hard to buy clothes um I get it. I get it. I got to throw away. I bought like 15 of the same black t-shirts. I got to buy a larger size.

It's a nightmare. I know. And then you got to upgrade the whole wardrobe. And then if you go back down, all your clothes are too big. And that's kind of where I'm at right now. Oliver, you and me are related. These two little skinny guys are rolling their eyes. All right.

So what happened? What was your wake-up call? You wanted to lose weight? Why? What happened? What was your wake-up call? You wanted to lose weight? Why? What happened? You know what it was? I got married and I really enjoyed the last year of my life. And I said, you know what? I want to stick around for a long time. I love it. And so I said, I'm going to try to lose some weight. And then here's where we run into trouble. Sure. I kind of have plateaued in the last year or so and i've decided to set myself a weight goal

uh something to do at the gym that i can hit max one quick let me stop for one second oliver max don't pretend this is not a wheelhouse call for you a big guy losing weight talking about the goddamn gym we got the right guy for you, Oliver. Don't interrupt him, Jim. I got excited, Max. He's talking about a gym. He's talking about a gym. Shut up. Well, we're going to fight.

So the goal that I set myself is I want to be able to crush a watermelon between my thighs. Oh, great. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. What? What? That is, without question, the greatest gym goal I'll ever hear. Yeah, you just went back to Gareth's camp and not to Max's camp. Yeah.

Come on over, baby. You were losing Gareth. He said Spots Watermelon, and he perked up. Oh, content creator, gym all right so you want to squash a watermelon in between those big thighs my guy correct i right now i'm on the hip abduction machine i can hit 205 pounds amazing are you just going hips right now are people like buddy your arms are like wiry and kind of flabby, and you're like, I got him a goal.

Well, I was going all arms, but I'm worried about being a light bulb. So I moved on to try to get the legs up where the arms are. Oh, my God. Oliver, what are you saying right now? Right now, I'm 290. Nice, man. Oh, wow. Way to go.

But I've plateaued around there which is where the watermelon comes in i really think if i can get the hip abductor machine up to 340 pounds uh i can crush a watermelon i feel really good about that and i'll have lost weight along the way this is where the watermelon comes into play is is just a a great, I'm very, I'm enjoying what you're saying a tremendous amount. The problem, the problem, no problems. I'm still kind of with you on this one, Oliver. So you are, you're wanting to squash it. You're going to take, this is going to get you stronger, which will make you lose more weight. What's the problem? The problem is my support system right now. I've made a practice stream just to prove that I couldn't crush a watermelon right at the beginning.

I went all out on filming it. I staged the whole thing and I was not able to crush a watermelon in that stream. My goal is in two months time to duplicate the entire stream, but be able to crush the watermelon. Okay. Now, did you genuinely try your hardest the first time? I did. I got juice out of the watermelon, but I wasn't able to do the full crush. Anyone drink that juice? You know what? I'm hoping that the second watermelon will make nice snacks for the week. Yeah, but hold on. So how much power do you need? Are you doing, is this for real for you? You're just doing it for your documentaries? Oh no, this is, well, I'm doing it for the documentary, but it is 100% for real. Okay. And how much power do you need

to smash a watermelon? Is there any kind of test for this? Can I go back to one of Jake's original questions? The watermelon journey, is it more content or is it a full documentary well i'm going to be doing a full documentary about it after the journey is over but i i legitimately want to crush this watermelon i get it what do you think in the title of that doc's gonna be squash and melons waiter melon waiter melon melons be and melons. Waiter melon. Waiter melon. Melons beware. Melons beware. Don't hate it.

Don't hate it. No, no, no. Let me tell you. If this is an advice show. It is. You got to go back to Jake's original. Jake's real good at this, man. So beware melons is good.

Think squash and melons too. we're in a zone right now. We got to figure out. Real quick. Real quick. Jake. What? Why you to pretend that you're at the movie theater and you go up to the concession or whatever and you ask for two tickets to squash melons. Go.

Hey, can I get two adults for squashing melons i think it's a hit man yeah i think it's a hit so oliver where are you at with squashing melons right now so you can get a little juice out but you can't squash the melon, correct? Correct. And what are you doing at the gym, my man? So it's a big focus on first, obviously legs. I start with some cardio to warm up, limber up, and then I'm hitting the hip abduction machine to see if I can get up. Do you mind if I interrupt, Oliver? You're doing this all wrong.

Okay, hit me. A gym is not the place to learn to squash melons. Okay. A farm is you just need to go to a goddamn watermelon farm pay a farmer and squash the little guys ask him if he's got any rotten watermelons and squat because it's a mental game man you have lost a hundred pounds ol. You can squash a goddamn melon. It's a mental game. That melon has you beat. Don't beware melons.

Beware Oliver because you're afraid of a big watermelon. A kettlebell, a fucking hip flexor machine is doing nothing for you. You got to go find some rotten watermelons and squash those big legs of yours and get your confidence up. Have you tried other melons? Have you tried like a cantaloupe or anything like that? Well, that would be the eventual goal. I figure a cantaloupe is smaller and more dense than a regular watermelon. You don't want to go cantaloupe. Cantaloupe's a nightmare. If I'm you, I start with a plum i go real i go real peaches

you got to keep on theme it's melons but i like plural you hit the honeydew you hit the cantaloupe you squash you do is unsquashable non-squashing melons but what's a soft melon i bet you arnold schwarzenegger could squash a cantaloupe. You're right. You mentioned this last year has been really good, correct? Correct. And did you meet a woman in this last year? Is that what I heard? Well, I didn't meet her in this last year, but we got married in this last year.

You got married. What does she think about this squashing melons goal? That's a great question. So she's into the goal of squashing the melon but this is where the the content side comes into this i've recorded the stream where i couldn't smash it in the kitchen of our apartment and she's not a huge fan of the stream where it does get smashed being recorded in our kitchen i think partially because it's a small apartment, our kitchen's very close to the living

room rug. And it's a weird change of pace because she usually does support all of my endeavors, which are often similar to this. She doesn't like this. Go ahead, Max. What do you mean, what similar endeavors? What's another one? Give us an example. Recently, I threw a black tie affair in the apartment to celebrate the recent release of the new Monster cereal. I had this place filled up, 50-ish people, and she was all good with that. I'm also big on hyper fixations and collectibles.

She's usually fine with that. Our whole living room is... Well, yeah, but she just doesn't want you squashing a fucking watermelon those activities don't get juice and seeds all over the living room or at least i can i can tell you as a fact my wife max's wife and i'm sure gareth's cat would not want any of us squashing a watermelon in between our thighs in the kitchen yeah video or no video. So I think what you got to do is you got to forget about your stream for a little bit. You're either a

documentarian, you're either a content creator or you're a guy smashing fucking watermelons. You can't be all three at the same time. You're either the director or you're the goddamn subject. And if you want to be the subject, and this is about losing weight, then forget setting up that iPhone and filming yourself squashing watermelons and get out to a field and just start squashing them. You need a Rocky montage. You need to spend about two months. Don't film any of it.

Don't worry about the end product. Worry about squashing goddamn watermelons, man. And I don't think you go to a gym for that. I think you put a big melon in between those legs and you squash it. I think you watch what you eat. I think you go to a gym for that. I think you put a big melon in between those legs and you squash it. I think you watch what you eat. I think you go to the gym to get your cardio up. And then I think every single day you go to the grocery store, you buy the softest watermelon and you try to squash it.

You ever see one of those videos where they put the rubber bands around the watermelon and then they keep putting it on the watermelon until it explodes? Yep. I would figure out how many rubber bands you need to make it explode and then work backwards from there squashing and then between your quads that's a great idea you got anything here gareth i do i uh i agree i think i mean well i think once we all heard go find a watermelon farmer and just give them the pitch i think that's um not going to hurt anything. I think you can do some training towards it. You're doing the right thing, but you really should be squashing as many melons as you can between your legs.

I think from a content perspective, you can film some of it. And I think the day of the main event, if you do want to do it in your kitchen, just go get a big tarp from Home Depot. And I would say start with warm ups from smallest melon to watermelon and, you know, really lean into it like that, like those are the practice swings. But it's a hell of a goal. Yeah. So I think our in closing the kind of advice for this one, Oliver, it's a tricky one because it's a hard goal. And Max is saying, do something weird with rubber bands and figure out how many rubber bands. I don't know how that connects to the thighs. What do you what's your advice on this one, Gareth? Well, I think you can do it in your kitchen and, you know, tarp it up.

And if she doesn't support it, then maybe this is not the right relationship i think that's that's a turn i would say don't listen to gareth i would say you met i don't think you could find let me tell you something you're gonna be able to find a woman out there who you love who also trust me i have a cat who you love and who also supports the the the thigh melon stuff that's all of her this is going sideways my guy this woman This woman, you got married during a year when you lost 100 pounds. I think you got a winner at home. Squash watermelons in your kitchen. My advice to you is find an outdoor park and every single day squash a watermelon and don't take a day off.

And I would say throw money out the window. Whatever you put into this financially, I think you'll make back when you sell the duck. Oliver, thank you so much for the call, my man. Thank you, guys. Thank you very much. Jake, next time you're around a watermelon, are you going to go, hey, can I just, can I try something? Some watermelons? Can I just see what I can do with this?

Between my legs. with this, but between my legs. Today's episode is brought to you by Babbel. That's right, Jake. Listen, you know what Babbel is, right? Science backed language learning app that actually works,

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and you always feel like, well, I don't know. I didn't go to college. 15 hours, you just did a semester. Yeah. That's wild. Yes. That's a wild study. So speaking of language, should we bring in the closer,

or should I do it? Closer. All right, hold on. Let's get him. Kevin? Door's open. Oh, you meant. Let's get him. Kevin? Door's open. Come on in.

Oh, you meant Gil. I meant Kevin. What? I thought Kevin was going to do it. No, I thought we were talking about the closer. We were. He parked in front of all our cars, so might as well. Oh, we can't leave.

Well, what's the problem? Go ahead. So that old jalopy is Gil's? Yes. And you can turn it off, I guess. No, keep it running. It's bad for something. A lot of smoke. I'm pausing a serious accent.

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Spelled B-A-B-B-E-L dot com slash hth. We're going to want you to babble. We want you to babble. I'll tell you what, I don't want to babble your ear off. I got to go back to the jalopy. Rules and restrictions. rules and restrictions this episode is brought to you by ZocDoc ZocDoc is a free app and website where you can search and compare highly rated in network doctors near you and instantly book appointments with them online.

Garth, what does that mean to you? Well, it means a lot because, as you know, my mother was in town for a while. She had a hip replacement, and it was crazy. It was a crazy situation, and there were so many times, so many things like complications were popping up, and there were multiple times where we wanted to find a doctor appointment quickly, somewhere close. You use ZocDoc.

Yeah. You would use ZocDoc because it's just so much harder if you're just like, you know, like using search engines to try to find someone and then you call, do they take your insurance? But the problem has it's all there for all the problem with also just searching it is all the ads pop up. Yes. And what I like, I actually use zocdoc we since we started doing it i do like that it keeps it really clean and you could put all your information in yeah did you

use zocdoc for your knee i did use zocdoc for my knee which i am going to get an mri on but we don't think it's a tear that's the good news but i am going to get an mri oh the doctor report back it's just an old man's knee it's actually pretty pretty much what it sounded like. That's what a doctor said to me about my hips. I'm getting to the point where it's sad when doctors are just like, yeah, you're just the... I've had a doctor who looked at my body and then went like this. Well, you're mid-40s, yeah? Ugh, what a

jerk. Well, that guy's hopefully not on ZocDoc, but again, it really does. It filters specifically for doctors that take your insurance located near you, Treat basically. And again, you can get an appointment quickly. You can also get it same day. That's absolutely right, Jake, if you're lucky.

That's right. Gil Buchanan, ones and twos, 68 balmy. Don't worry about it. That's right. I've been kept in the closet for a while on this show, but I'm back for the ads. Good to see you, brother. You literally never left. Whatever the best time of the world, go to ZocDoc.com slash HTH and download the ZocDoc

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Hi, who's this this is maddie hi maddie how you doing i'm good how are you good this is jake and you're on with gareth the garf man reynolds hello gareth hello jay maddie how are you so maddie what can we do for you today? What's the issue at hand? What can we try to crack open as the three of us? We're your partners in crime here. We're on your team. What do we got? So, the other night, my cat was in my room while I was doing the deed. And ever since then, he has been just nonstop humping me. And I'm not I'm not sure what to do about it.

When you say the deed, is this. Yeah. Is there a cosigner on the deed or is this your mortgage? There is a cosigner. There's a cosigner. OK. There's a cosigner. Because if the cat watched her masturbated, started humping her it's a very different question

then the cat's saying like i'm right here i am right here i love you so much yes yes yeah because then it's not a question of jealousy it's a it's a comment on love and loyalty arguably a bigger issue yeah motherfucker i'm in love with you let's go put down that fucking flashlight i am in love with you what were you looking for so you had uh somebody over you guys did what came naturally to you two and your cat. What's your cat's name? His name is Sushi. Sushi.

And how long have you had Sushi? Three years. What's this guy's name? If you don't mind me asking. His name is Riley. Riley. Riley and Sushi. He will be listening to this. Let's be honest.

Is the thing that Sushi saw you and Riley do, were you guys pulling out some moves that were new to Sushi? Great question. Was there something about this session? Was this a special event? Was it special? Exactly right. Yeah.

You know, it was a good one. I mean, it just felt like he was more ingrained in this one, you know? You talking about Riley or Sushi? Yeah, we got to use names. Sushi, Sushi, sorry. Okay, Sushi. So it seemed like you and Riley were really connecting. It was going well.

Both of you were performing at a high level. And Sushi was into it. He was invested. And, you know, at that point, it was like, I can't really just stop this to kick him out. And he screams at the door, you know, when, when I locked him out. So it's, it's not like it's a mood killer. Okay. So the cat is a little possessive of you to, to begin with.

Yeah. To begin with. Yeah. A really quick pause and then we'll get back into it. Gareth, I know you have a tattoo of your cat on your arm uh has jose ever watched you have sex with another follow-up question does jose scream to leave uh i'll answer kevin's first no uh thank you, everyone would want to be part of the show. And, uh, he has. And he's, yeah, I mean, but not in the way ever where I feel like he's in any way observing something he enjoys. I, he always looks like what's going on.

He looks freaked out. Yeah. Um, as anyone would be if they saw me in the act. Can I ask a question, Maddie, about this? So you and Matt, you and Riley have sex, Sushi watches, Riley leaves. How soon after that does Sushi make his move on you? Right. Yeah, that was probably like an hour or two after.

So a couple hours after Riley leaves, Sushi goes, my turn, jumps on you, starts humping. And what do you do, Maddie? You just shove that little puss off? Yeah, because he starts doing it. And I'm like, oh, he's just making muffins like usual. Sorry, real quick, Maddie, let me jump in here. For those of you listeners like Jake or other people who maybe are not familiar with making the muffins, a.k.a. making the biscuits, depending on the regionality of your cat, that is when the cat will get on a blanket or something soft

that they enjoy. And they'll begin to sort of... No, Jake, please. We're trying to keep it wholesome. This one's for the kids. And the cat will start to sort of use their claws and they'll kind of, like a baker would knead the dough. They'll kind of start kneading the blanket to prepare it for themselves to sleep in it or or rest and you thought sushi was making the biscuits when he started humping

yeah yeah because it was like it was a dick motion yeah yeah biscuits quick pause has riley come back for a second time he has come back. And he's aware of the new situation. Did Sushi watch round number two? He may have been in there. Oh, wow. Okay. Great question. Let's label a great question when we hear one.

Great question. Thanks. So Sushi has now, can I just ask again, how many times has Sushi watched you and Riley have sex? Over, under, is it five? Probably under five. Okay, under five. So more than two? Yeah. Yeah. I would say three. I would say three. Let's go with three. So can I ask you a question, Maddie? And this one's now, I hate to be, Sushi seems to be a

little predator and I don't want to be on the predator's team here, but can I ask you a question? Yeah. The first, if I had sex with a, my partner and a dog watched and then later the dog tried to fuck me, I don't think I'd ever have sex in front of the dog again. Yeah, no, that's because I would say, I think I'm teaching this dog to get on top of me. Maddie, you've done it three times without an adjustment what's happening here i know okay that was probably the second to the last time and i think i think it's just like i just forget he's there and i you're right you're right i need to i need i need to make this yes so i think i got a zone unless gar if you want to. No, I think I seem to be chomping.

No, I'm ready. I have some thoughts. So I feel like we've got it. Well, okay, this is what I would say. Since the situation has happened thrice, has your relationship with sushi remained the same? Is there awkwardness? Are you loving sushi, when I say loving, affectionate towards sushi more or less?

I think, you know, keeping my distance a little. That's heartbreaking for sushi. That's not what he wants. But that's not what sushi wants. This is. No, no, no. I just, you know, we're working through it. I think in order to work through it, what I would suggest is you.

There's. Look, doesn't help that. I'll be frank. Your cat now knows how to fuck. But what I think will be helpful will be if your cat feels like there it's not like I if I put myself in Sushi's headspace, Sushi's like I'm losing you. And Sushi's wiresspace. Sushi's like, I'm losing you. And Sushi's wires are all crossed and crazy, and so Sushi is doing what Sushi can do to keep you. And then the fact that you're maybe allowing some distance

is driving Sushi crazy. By the way, you doing this emotional cat POV talk with a painting of a cat behind you is an out-of-body experience for me. Thank you. Thank you. Matty, you can't see this. He has a tattoo of his cat on his arm, and behind you is an out-of-body experience for me. Thank you. Thank you. Matty, you can't see this. He has a tattoo of his cat on his arm, and behind him is a painting of his cat,

and he's talking about how the cat's point of view is afraid of losing him. Yeah. This is just the most emotional I've ever seen the Garf man in my life. Oh, my God. You're in it. I'm cooking.

I'm cooking. So I think the worst thing to do is for you to allow sushi to think like, oh yeah, there's a difference now. So what I would suggest is that you overdo it with kindness with sushi. Lots of affection, lots of love, make sushi feel like there's no worry that sushi is going to lose you. And on top of that, I would suggest maybe a little, I mean, we've all seen dogs do it. They'll curl the blankets up

and they'll go to town. I would suggest maybe a little Sushi pal. A little, you know, a little stuffed animal. Let me finish. A little stuffed animal we'll call Wasabi or something like that. Just something there that if sushi needs a... What kind of level of perversion are you pitching here, you creep?

A little fuck toy for... This is a bifurcated pitch. They make masturbating toys for animals and people buy these? They have animatronic cats. Oh my lord. Well, I mean, I'm not saying we get a real doll for the cat, but I'm just saying maybe a little outlet for the sushi cushion. That's all really good emotional advice, and I think that could work.

Here's another solution. A spray bottle of water, and when the cat gets on you, spray it. No, no, no. And go like this. Go, get out of here. Sushi. Go, get out of here. Stop trying to fight me, you weirdo. I'm not opposed to a, like, sushi, no. Sushi. Go get out of here. Stop trying to

fuck me, you weirdo. I'm not opposed to a like, sushi no. Sushi no. I think it's sushi no. Gareth, what you're pitching is this. Sushi no. Go make love to that weird toy I got you named Wasabi while I watch. We live in a world of weirdness and madness

in this apartment. I'm pitching. You're creating a cat masturbating temple you weirdo i'm pitching sushi no but sushi it's okay i love you okay okay listen but hold on now let's go you went in the pov of sushi i'm going in the pov of riley i go there for the fourth time she's like hey that was so fun you want to get in bed? And I go, yeah, we get in bed. It starts getting on. The cat starts watching.

She goes, hold on. Sushi, no. Sushi, go to wasabi. Yeah. I'm talking about a sushi. I'm talking about a sushi. And I, as Riley, go, Riley, no. Riley, out of here.

I'm saying we do the sushi no for the sushi humping. I'm not saying we need to stop the act. How about this? If you're Riley and you go to a woman's house and you go like this, oh, is that your cat? Oh, my God, it's fucking that pillow. And she goes like this, oh, that's Wasabi. It's his fuck toy that I got him.

Walking out. No. Yes, I would. If I went to someone's house and there was a dog openly humping a pillow and I go, hey, man, your dog's humping a pillow. And he goes, I know. I got that pillow for her. It's a fuck pillow.

I go, what? No, no. So in the end, Gareth recommends you give this cat as much love as you can. You give it a little fuck toy uh right and when it tries to hump you you go no but then you instantly fill it with love i recommend riley uh comes by and gives it some attention you never allow the cat to be in the room while you have sex and you definitely don't get it a fuck toy uh now at the end of the show what we like to do is what do you think you're gonna do i think i think i'm gonna take this all in

i'm gonna i'm gonna just firmly shut him out the door i'm gonna give him some love i'm looking at him right now okay yeah okay what's the vibe what's his yeah what's the vibe he's in the corner he's sleeping okay um yeah he's tired he's tired yeah he's he's all wiped out he nails you're on a zoom he's like this i'm flying once you hang up i make the move. Sushi strikes. So you're going to show Sushi some love. You're going to block Sushi out of the room. Yes. And is that it, Maddie? Is that where you're at?

That's where I'm at. Thank you, guys. Thank you so much for the call. Keep us. I'm very invested in this one and i don't know if it's just because i have a cat too and a painting of my cat behind me but please let us know in like a month or so how this develops please okay i'm curious to see if this cat uh what happens with the uh break okay i will thank you thank you manny for. Yeah, thank you, guys.

Hi. Hi. Welcome to the podcast. We're excited to help, as always. We're on a roll today, too. We're really, really solving some issues. You have Jake. You have Gareth.

Sometimes Jake refers to me as Fat Aaron Paul. We're trying to nip that in the bud and get that out. Hold on. Why do I do that, Gareth? Because you're a bad friend. What's the back story? Do you like to hurt? Your parents didn't give you the love you needed, so you take that out on others. I don't know.

Thanks for the call. That's it for today. Gareth got too real. All right, everybody. Melina, really nice to meet you. Kevin, I'm done. Garfman, fuck you! We also want to let you know that we have a reporter from the New York Times. It's not been great. We have a reporter from the New York Times, Melina Delkic, who is joining us. She might jump in if there's something.

But let's start with you. What is your name, pseudonym allowed, and what is your age? I'm Grace, and I'm 24 years old. What can we help you with, Grace? What's going on? Talk to us. So I have recently moved to Norway for school, and I live in a student apartment,

and I kind of randomly picked a room. You know, I know some people here, but we couldn't really figure out getting in the same apartment, so I randomly picked a room. You know, I know some people here, but we couldn't really figure out getting in the same apartment. So I randomly picked a room. I get here and my three roommates introduce themselves to me and I immediately forget what they have said. I have no idea what these people's names are.

I think in the next couple of days, I'll be like, maybe I'll ask them again. But eventually I forget. And now it has been over a month and yeah and they refer to me by grace every day shit this is something i can relate to this is yeah i'm really well you had you had an opportunity early but a month down the road is now you are in a legal i did grace have you had a uh a moment with not knowing their names where it's come up? Have you had to introduce them to anybody? Has there been a near nightmare situation?

You know, I've had like some friends over and I've been like, oh, this is my friend so-and-so and like hoping they would say their name. But I never did. None of them ever said. Jake, Jake, you'll know this. I think you, I mean, you in your career, even mine and mine, you have these times where you go, I know that I met this person nine times. What is your tactic when you're confronted with that?

The oldest trick in the book? Just, yeah. So if I'm with you, Gareth, and we see some executive where i've know i've sat across the room and pitched them a show they passed on you need me to do the legwork i go you know my buddy gareth right and then you go hey i'm gareth and they'll go like i'm james yep you need this is i don't want to say we can solve this one too quickly but you need to do a setup like this. My first pitch would be do a Zoom with your family and let your family know going in, this is not about how is everyone doing. That's going to be the backdrop. That's going to be the lie that you're pushing throughout.

This is a fact-finding mission. Your mother, your father, whoever, their job is to say, oh, I've heard of you. Who is who? What are your names? Some version like that. Can I jump in? Get in. Grace, I think we're going to give you a great solution here. And I think the Garf man just set the table.

And I'm about to throw a Norwegian fish on that plate. There we go. I think, Grace, you do a Zoom with your roommates and us, and we put it under the umbrella of how do we help Grace feel more comfortable in Norway? And we start it with, hey, everybody, can we please get your names? They say it, and then we go, here's what we need from you guys. Three ideas for Grace to have a fun friday night and it's a throwaway fake episode the whole thing is this is it grace i don't feel i'm gonna

say i don't think we've solved one faster i feel the same way uh this is you think is that something you would consider doing i mean why not like yeah i've been here for super long. Just say, just let them know. I've got to get out of the way sometime. Listen, just let them know there's a podcast you like. You wrote in, you wanted some advice on things to do in Norway for fun because you're new. And the producer, Kevin, our bloodhound, he was doing our hunky bloodhound, which I don't actually think I should say hunky bloodhound. We're now diverting into a category I'm not comfortable with. But we want to do a sit down with you and the roommates to kind of figure out what it is.

It'll be a five to ten minute call. We'll do the work for you. You'll know their names. Okay. Grace, are you in? I am, but I'm just letting you know they're going to have no idea who you guys are. That's even better.

They're not all Norwegian. That's fine. One's Norwegian, one's Russian, and one's German. Ah, the Russian will know us for sure. This is like the setup to a good joke. That's fine. Grace, thank you for the call. We're going to talk to you really soon.

The umbrella statement of the next call, just so you know, will be that you emailed the show trying to find if we had any suggestions of fun things to do in Norway. And then we'll say, we've never been, maybe your roommates could help. So it's all on us. We're the weirdos. You're just saying, will you do this? You, you, also, Gareth,

let me go really fast. Also, you can ask them if they don't know us. Ask them if they've ever seen Breaking Bad. No, no, no, we're good.

No, Grace, we've moved on. Cause if they have, no, no, Jake, Kevin,

it would be a great time to mute Jake because he's being a little greedy. No, I'm sorry. No, no, no, I couldn't hear you,

Gareth. I don't think they actually have the show over there. So Grace, we will talk to you super soon. And, and we're excited to do this, and thanks a bunch. Thanks, Grace. I've been on the road, so there is some water and chip weight in the United Kingdom, but that's going to drop real soon.

Thanks, Grace. Appreciate it a bunch. This follow-up with Grace is a few weeks later. Hi, Grace. Hi. Hi, how are you? It's Kevin, the producer of the show. Hi, Kevin. I'm good. This follow-up with Grace is a few weeks later. We have kind of a little devious plan. Are you free? Okay. Thank you. Are you any chance, are you free next Wednesday at the same time, like 10 Pacific time? Yeah.

You know, I will track them down by then. Hey, Grace, this is Jake. Do you know their names yet? This has been about a week, right? Hey, Jake. Okay, I do know their names. Oh, you do? I'm sorry.

All good. All right. All good. All good. How did you know their names like oh you do i'm sorry all good all right how did you how did you learn their names well i asked like one person okay like say there's like one two three i asked one for number two's name two for number three name and three for number one's name garf i'm taking this as a win for the podcast we don't have to do the call on wednesday but it did work somehow yeah i don't think that was our advice but i think we we cares no i know we like to take the way like i thought you guys like were gonna email me back so i just asked them don't turn it into something like that we're taking the win here's what i'm gonna say what

the premise of this goddamn show is is we might not be the guys who give you the advice, but we might be the stepping stone to you. Yeah, I think you are. Thank you. That's all that matters. Now that, that is the end of this call. Thank you so much. That's the nugget these fat boys want to eat.

Victory fat boys. Yeah. Another one. Thank you for the call. Ring the bell, Kevin. Bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing. Victory for the fat boys. We got another sale sale the fat boys are back oh my god we're here to help is hosted by jake johnson and gareth reynolds the show is produced and edited by kevin bartelt the theme song is made by oliver raleigh and you can check out all of

his work at oliverraleigh.com the album artwork is by james fosigh and you can check out all of his work at oliver raleigh.com the album artwork is by james fosdyke you can find him on instagram at james underscore fosdyke and if you'd like to see me do stand up on the road go to gareth reynolds.com and if you would like to be