We're Here to Help - 188: Digging Up Orville & Quiznos Bag

Episode Date: July 14, 2025

The guys help a caller whose husband wants to bring an old gravestone into their house. Then, they give a firefighter advice on managing performance anxiety out in the woods. Plus, a second follow-up from Ep 2 "The Santa Dilemma."See caller images here!Want to call in? Email your question to [e-mail]: https://patreon.com/heretohelppodMERCH: heretohelppod.comINSTAGRAM: @HereToHelpPodIf you’re enjoying the show, make sure to rate We’re Here to Help 5-Stars on Apple Podcasts.Advertise on We’re Here to Help via Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Agent Nate Russo returns in Oracle III, Murder at the Grandview, the latest installment of the gripping Audible original series. When a reunion at an abandoned island hotel turns deadly, Russo must untangle accident from murder. But beware, something sinister lurks in the grand view's shadows. Joshua Jackson delivers a bone-chilling performance in the supernatural thriller that will keep you on the edge of your seat. Don't let your fears take hold of you as you dive into this addictive series. Love thrillers

with a paranormal twist? The entire Oracle trilogy is available on Audible. Listen now on Audible. Listen now on Audible. We're here to help. We're here to help. We're here to help. We're here to help. We're here to help. We're here to help. We're here to help. We're here to help.

We're here to help. Holy shit, was that a fun one. I can't believe it worked. That's crazy. It's crazy. That is good stuff. He just had shitty hole. Oh, hello.

Hi. Hi, welcome to the show. You got Jake and Gareth, what's your name, please? Olivia. Hi, Olivia. Where are you calling from today? You got Jake and Gareth. What's your name, please? Olivia. Hi, Olivia. Where are you calling from today? I'm from Ohio. Okay

What age are we working with here Olivia? Just so we know uh 27 27 um Olivia you got a memoir. It's about your life. What are you gonna call it? Oh my gosh. The big blooper reel. Ooh. Wow, that's exciting. That's exciting.

Why I'm writing that down, I don't know. Olivia, what's going on? What can we help you with? Can I interrupt really fast? I just got a sweet text from Justin Long about our podcast, Olivia. Oh yeah. He said, hey buddy, I'm gonna play some pickleball today

at 11, do you wanna come? And I said, I wish, but I'm doing the podcast. He wrote, fuck the podcast. Then he wrote, JK, it's the only thing I would turn down pickleball for. Ooh. Justin Long loves the show. And I wrote it's embarrassing how much I enjoyed doing this Well, think of the last call

Olivia we just did the follow-up with Nick who got his butt waxed because he had a shit and towel problem We just followed up with him. Your first thoughts, Olivia, what do you think was going to happen? Do you think it was going to be positive, negative? You just listened. What do you think? My first thought was actually, did Gareth get his butt waxed

too? He did. And his front, Olivia. Stop it. You have any questions? Believe me. I still haven't heard the whole story. And his and his front Olivia Heard the whole story I would love to have stopped it. Oh My gosh, I would like to hear it, but I also I'm a little bit scared Yeah Should we just do a little bit of it with Olivia and have Olivia be part of this intro and then do her call sure We have time very fine with that Yeah let's do it all right we are

now in an intro we've already started it this was a weird start uh olivia is about to do a call with us we still don't even know her problem we'll just started talking we're gonna get to the problem after the intro we'll reset that gareth got a bra wax. Hell, man, take over. Well, I, in my head, thought that it was going to be like a month later. I wasn't sure what was gonna happen. I wasn't sure if I was going to be doing it with Kyle from the morning.

I didn't know what was happening. So I was about to record what I thought was a call with a guest helper. There was a miscommunication. Natalie found a place close to me that would do it. They had an appointment in a half hour. I walked in and I thought they only did the back. And I thought, and I wanted to just confirm that

because I was like, well, if they do the front, I would have done, I wanted to be able to say that. She goes, no, we'll do the front. And I went, oh shit. So I go, yeah, let me, I want the whole thing. And she's like, okay. And then I'm walking into the room and it's starting to dawn on me that I'm like,

oh yeah, this is a whole, this is about to be a whole... Nightmare. You know, like, porky pig scenario where I'm just sitting there, shirt only, no bottoms, to all the stuff we've already talked about, Jake. Yeah. So I'm sitting there on the tissue paper. Olivia, what we talked about is you lay on your back

and then your genitals just get eaten by your body. So as a man, it's a terrible position to be in in terms of showing your penis to the world. Every part, and there's adrenaline and fear, which is not helpful to penis. The penis and the balls go, let's go inside. Like a turtle's leg. The penis and the balls are.

What are you even thinking when you're laying there? Are you just like accepting it fully? Or are you just like, oh my gosh? I started to really feel vulnerable for some reason. And I started to feel like I felt bad for this woman because I was like, can I record it for my podcast? And she was like, OK. And I was like, this is I'm like 45.

I'm sitting here. This is horrid. This is a horrid experience. So I'm there. And and I'm like, I said to her, I go, what hurts more, the front or the back? And she goes, the front. The front, by far. And I go, oh, I thought it would be the other, but- You thought the butt would hurt more than the scrotum?

Yeah. That's scrotum? Well, it's not even the scrotum. No, it's not the scrotum that gets you. Because that's what I thought. It's the pubes scrotum. No, it's not the scrotum that gets you well, that's what I thought It's the it's the the pubes the top the pubis. Really? Why does that buddy? I don't know but it is She starts doing it. Oh my god, and it is the most fucking I like I said to you I was not I was like very committed to the idea that I was not gonna go big. I was like, I'll be real

I was going like, ah Yeah, and she keeps putting her hand on it after my god and I'm going am I bleeding and she's going no but that helps with the pain a little bit and It takes so long and then and it's very painful to the point where out of ten. I mean It's very painful to the point where... Out of 10. I mean, nine. So it hurts like hell. I would say 10, but I just don't wanna deal with the comments.

Agreed. Connect me to a tattoo. What hurts more? Tattoo, it's the sustaining level of the tattoo pain that gets you, but when a tattoo starts, it's not that bad. It's when they start shading and you've been doing it for three, four hours that you start going, this sucks.

But until the, if I had to- How do you lay still? How are you laying there? I mean, what other choice do you have? Wait, Olivia, have you never had this? You never had it? I've never had it. So Garrett's in a butterfly position,

so he's laying on his back? No. No? I thought you were in a butterfly for the first time. I thought so too. I'm on back, I'm on back, legs like down or whatever. I mean it's like a doctor's table. So I'm on the back with my legs. Maybe my legs were like up a little bit but either way like when this was over and I saw- Gynecologist. Yes. Well no, not even because until the butt then it You're a gynecologist. Yes. Well, no, not even because my... Until the butt, then it wasn't even gynecologist.

It was like cannonball. Oh, so you went full cannonball for the butt. Yes, but when I looked at what my legs did to the tissue paper at the end, I was like, oh my God, it looked like I'd opened a gift. Like it was shredded from my feet moving. Oh my... Ah, ah!

Ah! My goodness. But she keeps going. Like it was shredded from my feet moving. Oh my. Ah, ah. My goodness. But she keeps going. It's probably 10 rips on the front. Holy shit. Because she keeps going over it again and again. And then it goes to scrotum, which I was like, that's gotta be worse.

She goes, no, that doesn't, it wasn't as bad. And by the time I got to butt, I was like, oh, this is fine. You liked it. No, I didn't say that, Jake. You liked it. I didn't say that Jake. I did not do it. No, I think so too. No, I was very happy to be at the end of this.

She said guys who curl their hair seem to like this. I said, I said, will you take some of that down there and give it up top? I did a quick Google and it shows up. That's the first thing it says. Of course. Guys in their parties who choose to curl their hair for podcasts. Curling cream is fine. So question for you, Gareth.

And then we'll get to, Olivia, we'll get to your call. 17 minutes I was in there getting ripped. How has it been since? How do you like the sensation? Well, day of I was like, this will never happen again. I mean, the pain, the redness, it just sucked. Oh my God. Did you put creams on it after?

Well, you're supposed to exfoliate. And when I talked to my girlfriend, I was like, she was like, I had like a Kiehl's exfoliator from years ago, she goes, that will kill you. So she told me to, and this is what I did. I made a homemade salve. You're gonna die when I tell you what I did. I made a homemade exfoliator.

Okay, what'd you put in it? Two things. Oatmeal? No. Exfoliator needs to be kind of granular. Okay. Sugar and honey. Okay, nice. Oh, I thought you were gonna lose your mind. So I was putting sugar and honey on my asshole, my bare pubis, and my nuts in the shower. And you just... Dude, it sucked. Now, I am a couple weeks away or whatever, 10 days away. I get it. It's

way better. It's way better. In every way it's better. Wow. Explain why. Because there might be a group of men, because we do have, we got a chunk of men who listen to this. This might start something. There was a Reddit post, guys. There wasdit post that asked that said I wish that this had aired before June 12th Because we could have all gone together on June 12th to go get it done Well, oh my gosh, you're gonna start a trend

the advantage First of all, I mean I use the manscaper and all that shit You know what? I mean, it's, it's kind of its own annoying little thing. You have to do it more regularly than you'd probably want. And it's limiting. I can't get everywhere. So the back, my back has never been addressed. When you go...

You sound like Christopher Walken. When you go down to take a shit... The back. The back. The back! The back of the watch! It has never been addressed! When you take a shit now, it is just a different experience.

Explain how. Explain how. For anybody eating, sorry. Sorry. Stop eating. I'm truly curious. When you have to... It's like a dolphin just flipping out. It's just right out of you. Well, and when you're wiping it's just like nothing So we said the problem for Nick I I thought we would have solved the problem when I was going through this

I was like, this is probably a big part of it. He's just not cleaning his asshole properly is what I thought Are you ever gonna do it again again? At least the back? No. Okay. Olivia, stick around. We will take your call and maybe air it connected to this intro. Who knows what's happening anymore, Olivia, but that's what happened. Without.

Where is her? A-dooooo! This episode of We're Here to Help is brought to you by the delicious Hungry Root. Dooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Taking all the work off my plate is why I love Hungry Root. If you like delicious, nutritious, healthy food, and you don't want to do all the thinking, do Hungry Root. It takes care of ya. You're able to plan what you're going to eat in advance. It just takes a minute. They've got 15,000 quick recipes.

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What can we do for you today? What a gear shift. Because it's like, we started backwards. OK, anyways. So my problem is me and my fiance have been living together for about three years. Get his ass all waxed. Oh, sorry.

That's it. I didn't. Sorry. Hang on. Go ahead. No. His name is actually Nick, so that's funny. But we have everything in our house is like thrifted,

antique shopping, we'll surprise each other with like crazy old things and tell each other all about the story behind them, it's super cool. But we moved into this giant barn essentially like a year ago. Cool. And we found a grave stone, like a tombstone from the 1800s outside.

Holy shit. Pretty sure someone's buried there. Yeah, orville curtis I was like super cool. Nick my fiance thought it's really cool, too But he's really obsessed with wanting to bring the grave inside and dig up the green what and I really don't want him to do it Incredible Such a Jake. Yeah. Yeah. He's at the point. I knew you would think it's like he's at the point where he's slowly been moving

it closer and closer to the house. Like there was a week where it was just leaning up against the front door. Now, like, no way. I don't want any ghosts. I don't want that situation. But now it's like in the middle ground and it's hanging out on like by the garage. But I don't want him to bring it inside and I don't know how to stop I know how to stop him. Oh cool

So there's a cool that is so Jake You're talking to one guy who doesn't have gorillas in his yard and one who does that says orville curtis died May 25th 1860 something aged 37 Curtis died May 25th 1860 something aged 37 Holy shit is that cool. Where do you live again, Olivia? We're like Northeast, Ohio. Oh my god and in the backyard you've got so I just I just went to Alaska and my family, you know, it's a blast and My family and I took one of these like pride like we you charter planes there because everyone's a pilot. And we flew into the Arctic

Circle and went to a little town called Wiseman, which is fully off the grid. And we met somebody who lived there. And we were in his house and he was giving us a tour and in his yard had a little gravestone and he goes, yeah, that's where my mother's buried. Well, that's sweet. That is sweet. That I like better. Really? I like that. Sweet. Yeah. I like that better than Mary and mom in the backyard. I don't know. That's not normal. I don't want even, I don't want even my backyard. I want even my backyard now that it's all clean.

Because then if that way, if someone's haunting the house, you know who it is. You could just be like, I go back to bed, Ma. I love how our ghost logic works. It's a proximity thing. It's got to be mom. She's 100 yards away. Yeah. What does it mean? Was mom going to take a subway? Like that guy ghost and so

This is an interesting one Olivia. So you and Nick moved into a fucking cool barn Very jealous. I think that's awesome You guys give each other funky old weird stuff and now Nick's going I want this in the house, which we all know I'm a yes But I'm gonna try to be on your side one because you're the caller two because you have my daughter's name And so I inherent I inherently like you So how are we gonna convince Nick not to put this fucking cool? Gravesome first of all he moved it away from Where the body was yeah, yeah, he already moved it you got to move it back

Well, well, I think he wants to get it in the house. Okay, so I'll give you another story There is one other thing in this house that I didn't want here It's a creepy clown though, and I actually sent you guys a picture of a creepy clown doll doll yeah, let's see the photo And it was in the barn. Oh What's wrong? Jesus Christ Was at like an antique shop and we were together when he saw it

Okay, but that wasn't in the barn when you moved into it Correct. Okay. He just brought that home Yeah, yeah, I said don't bring it home and he left it there But then like he somehow snuck back there bought it without me knowing and then pranks me with it like a month later. Gotcha He if he wants it in the house, then he'll bring it in the house, but he'll also kind of scare me with it I'm afraid I gotcha Jake. We're also Grazing over the fact that he wants to dig the grave up. I know that I mean that you think that instinct is way off Yes, I agree. So Olivia how real is he about when there's any artifacts?

There's an artifact. Yeah, there's one Old moldy clothes yeah Oscar Orville whatever Unless he's buried with somebody I'll tell you what he's not he doesn't have a clean asshole like Gareth Back then men named Orville didn't go. I'm throwing a podcashed and I would like more content for my e-mail. They didn't know how to drill a tooth. Yeah, you wax my body. Do you mind if I fiddle with it?

Hi Orville, I love my wife. Sorry, but when I turtle, my genitals disappear. Those genitals never disappeared. They were real men. The real generation. You didn't fight in World War II and if you turtled your dick was out. Okay, back to you, Olivia. So what is the specific question? Because there's a few things cooking here.

One, Nikki wants to dig up the body. That's a no. No, that's a pass from we're here to help. We're passing on that premise. I'll call to dig up the body. That's a no. No. That's a pass from we're here to help. We're passing on that premise. No. I'll call him if I have to. That's out of control.

Yeah. Gorilla to gorilla. And gorilla to gorilla because I also did that in my backyard in Atwater. It's true. You went nuts back there. You would have found Orville back there. I will tell you, Olivia, I went about six feet into my ground with the great late Jeff Bainer.

No, we thought there was a body buried in my backyard and Mike Sarah and I and Steve Berg and Jeff Bainer and I dug deep into that ground. Why did you think there was a body in the backyard? Well, we started finding some stuff and had to attack like a rusted old gun, a license dug deep into that ground. Why did you think there was a body in the back? Well, we started finding some stuff in that attack, like a rusted old gun, a license plate. And then we saw something that was a rug that was buried vertically

about five and a half feet into the ground. My wife wanted a garden in our backyard and she wanted to change all the soil. So we went about two feet deep and then old Jakey Jay just had to go a little bit further than two feet and stop being about crops. Started becoming about finding Orville and bringing him out of the goddamn earth. Called the cops, they told me it's not their job to dig out another person's trash.

They said call me back when you find a body and I said I will but I ain't calling you back just like I ain't going to the doctor for a dirty butt. Okay. Sorry. Back to you, Olivia. So Olivia, what is the specific question we can help you with today? Okay. A specific question is how do I prevent Nick from ever bringing the gravestone into the

house? Wow. Is Nick around? Nick is downstairs. the the gravestone into the house. Wow. Is Nick around? Nick is downstairs. Does he know you're calling the show with this problem? Yes. Maybe we get Nick on the call, too. Is there a way to do this where he's on his own line, Natalie?

Yeah, we just got to give him the same phone number and instructions that we gave Olivia. Yeah, let's do that really fast because this might have to be a bit of a talk. Olivia, can you forward that email to Nick or text him? Yeah, I actually I have it pulled up on my laptop. So I'll just go ahead and give it to him. Oh, hold on. Nick? I need you to join this phone call.

I'm going to send you an email. All right. I'm texting it to you. Okay. No, she's hugging the neck. I mean, I could just text it right back to you guys, but you're already on the call. Oh, great. Yeah, that's right.

Sure. Okay. So, Gareth, you have to keep exfoliating. What'd you say? How long? Yeah, follow the directions. Oh, my God. I'm done exfoliating.

No, you have to keep exfoliating. You're going to get ingrown hairs. Look, then I'll deal with it then. I'm done right big sugar on my ass. No, I'm done being a sugar. Well, that's why I said to get a glove. Get a glove? Yeah, just don't let your girlfriend wash her face with it.

Call back. Or your dad. Oh, my God. He just comes out. I feel great. What kind of towel is that? Why do you have another minute in the shower? I feel great.

Nick? Hey. Hey, old gravedigger. That's me. So Nick, we've been speaking to the lovely Olivia about this gravestone you want to bring in the house. Right. Can you tell us why, my guy?

I guess the main reason is just to preserve it. Okay. Also, maybe like hanging on the wall and put a light on it. That's different. That's different than preserving It helps preserve it though. Keep going extra light wouldn't help preserve it. Nope And it's a nice piece of history and we don't really know if someone is buried there It could have been moved like that gravestone is older than our house So than our house. So it'd be weird if he was buried here in a field in a random spot before

our house was built, you know? So maybe that's not weird. Maybe it's the neighbor's house or like, you know, because his house was mid-1850s, I think. Cool. Let me ask you a question, Big Nick. What are you hoping to find in that earth? Oh, you never know. You know, some treasure to be buried with a treasure map. Jesus Christ, I feel like I'm talking to me. Nick, let me ask you this. Nick, Nick, Nick.

Everything you're saying is right, Nick. I'm sorry, Olivia. Jake, I knew this would happen. Jesus Christ, Nick. I knew it. Or a musket. I agree. It could be anything. It could be gold.

It could be gold. It could be gold. What if it was just- No, you're going to dig up a ghost. What if it was just a bunch of bones? That's not how it works. It's not a mummy, Olivia. It's not like you dig it up and all of a sudden a puff of smoke comes out. If Orville's there, he's already here.

Jake jumped ship. He's already here Jake That is a record ship jump from you Jake that is and jumped yet. Yes, you absolutely You if you were my neighbor and I asked you I know you'd have a shovel in your hand and you'd be over here You're not wrong. You'd be digging it up Nick not only that there was a real chance cuz I'm gonna take a little bit of time off this summer I've been working too much. There's a real chance. I'm gonna go out there and meet you guys Don't dig up our grave, please Please Jake Johnson. Don't fly to Ohio Please Jake Johnson, don't fly to Ohio to dig up Orville.

I can get six feet in the ground in record speed. I'm an animal with a shovel. Most people don't understand how deep. That's a lot of hand digs, you know. Me and the great Jeff Bayna, and I got a photo of it, we were nipples deep in record time. You just gotta go hard, man. You just don't stop. As the great Goggins says, fuck your tired body.

You got that right. All right, now I think we've solved it. I don't think we have. Allow me to remind you the problem. Olivia wants it so that we don't have, A, a gravestone in her home, and B, that we're not digging up orville. Okay So what do we do here? What do you I think we've kind of fucked it up because we brought in a guy who?

Sold you on the idea of this is a good idea. I think we're back. I think we can get it back I'm altering. I'm looking for a little bit. How Olivia we take over and repaint the picture. Let's get us back on track here Okay, okay, okay. Imagine somebody from the 1800s is resting peacefully outside in this yard and people from 2025 go, I'm gonna go dig it up just to look for some jewelry and a couple guns.

You're totally right. And then dig it up for what? An old crusty dead body? You're right. We could also, you know, we could make a table out of those bones. We could make a chandelier. You lost me, Nick. You lost me.

Do you see what fire you fueled? No, I got a pitch for real, Nick. And I think you're going to like this. He wants to live in Beetlejuice. Fuck. Now you got me back. I want to live in Beetlejuice. No, no, no.

No, Nick, I got a real pitch for you I'm listening. Do you remember exactly where you found the stone? Yeah, was it laid on its back or was it vertical? It was vertical. It was against a dead tree stump Yeah, it was sitting up looking like it was on a site where someone was buried and you moved it Nick. I Did yeah picked it up. Because it was getting to the point where you can't read it anymore. So I was like, oh okay. Before I bring it inside, I'll put it you know under, we have a carport. Put it in the carport. There's no rain hitting it. Understood. It'll preserve the etching you know. All right,

I got a pitch for you Nick and I think you're gonna like it. You're not gonna like it at first, but I think in the end you're gonna like it. Okay. First of all, you gotta put that stone back to where it was, and you know that in your heart of hearts. You shouldn't have moved it and you know that. Nick, you know that. Nick?

Nick? Nick? Your message, that's Orville Stone, my king. You stole it. That's true. You stole it. Yeah, yeah. By the way, coolest yeah I've ever heard. That was the coolest yeah I've ever heard. This guy hates authority. Yeah, yeah. Whatever. I do hate authority. But you know. But Nick, here's what I, here's my pitch to you. Your idea of preserving it is dead right and that's respectful to Oroville. So here's what I think you do. You now cleaned it, you cut the grass over there, you put it back into the ground where it was, but you build a little cover for it. So you put like a little protective area and you put a couple of chairs and a coffee table there and it's Orville's morning coffee spot. Okay.

You build, you build, the way you do that is so easy. You know, you put a couple of, you could have put a couple of four by fours in the ground and all you need is a slanted roof and you can go to anywhere and get corrugated plastic. And then you just get a couple of chairs and a little table and you sit with Orville and you have your morning coffee and you say to him, hey brother, how you doing Orville? Just had my morning coffee. I don't know if you're a weed smoker, Nick, but I'm betting yes. How do you know?

So that's where you have, you know, that's where you take a little hit of the grass. If a friend comes and visits, you go, let's go smoke with Orville. But you put him back to where he was, you preserve it, and then like a true caretaker, you take care of his spot. And you wanna know what happens then, Olivia? Orville watches over you guys. Love it, I'm here for it.

And we get buried next to him one day. Now we're talking. No, we're not. I would also say maybe what you do is, because this is possible, maybe you do a little research on who he was and try to find us. I tried. You did? I tried. Nothing.

We tried. Well, we made it. He died in the Civil War and they just sent a letter back and they're like, so like there could not even be a body. He could be, you know. That son of a bitch died in the Civil War and they just sent a letter back and they're like so like there could not even be about it He could be you know, that's son of a bitch died in the Civil War I'm assuming History when was the Civil War? Dates work the dates. Yeah, it's 18. That's what I'm saying. So that's You know, you know young farm dude and got chipped off and died. Fuck yeah he was.

And no one ever, you know. Jake loves him. Well then I like the pitch. What I was going to suggest is maybe we find out a couple more specific things and you can cater the area and his direction a little bit more. But everyone back then basically did the same thing. You could maybe decorate it with a tin cup and some other stuff if you wanted. But I like that idea a lot.

And I think if you've got a hankering for a little digging Nick go a little deeper into your yard dig a hole about one foot and throw that clown in it get that away from you while we're at it while we're doing projects that help everything not into the clown at all I think the clowns giving you advice is what I think first half of the call. There's a clown Nah, nah, I could not pass out back. Did you really look at that? It's not incredible. It's a great-looking clown. But Nick here's the real pitch to you man You got you got to preserve his area I do think you got to put the stone back and I think you got to build a little shed and turn that into a

Zone where you go and pay him respect and if you're having coffee alone out there, you're smoking a little bit of a one-hater Just give him a shout out. Thank him for a service And this is after I dig him up. No. You're not digging him up, buddy. Not digging him up. There's no digging him. I would say 100% no digging. And I'm going to tell you this as a guy, I can tell I'm older than you. I can tell I got at least a decade on you.

So I'm saying this from older Nick to younger Nick. Right. You go digging in that ground you're not going to find anything you want to find. I was six feet in the ground. Maybe that's what I need though you know the closure of the fact that there's nothing. I did. Hang in there Jake you're doing so good. I know but look as a guy my age now. We're done with the call. I know I don't need to dig him because I already went down there. You know what I found Nick? Nothing. Then dig somewhere else. Dig in down there. You know what I found Nick nothing Then dig somewhere else dig in another area. Don't dig up a body of a man

We I made a movie with Joe Swamberg based off this digging for fire Do not dig up a man's body in your yard. You go digging for this I'm gonna find anything We don't know if he's actually there. Hey, what, what do you think about letting how about a question for you? No, Olivia. Jake, this is this is for don't ask this question. Oh, no, I don't want to ask it because I don't want my partner getting mad at me. All right. Ask it.

Thank you. I want to hear it. I do. I know what's coming. It's just insane. Get asked the question for me. Olivia, what's the biggest downside's just insane. Go ask the question for me, Olivia What's the biggest downside to Nick your husband's? digging the grave No, you don't have to do you don't have to right you don't have to know anything about it. You can watch.

But no, here's what it is. Nick's digging on his own time. And this is between him and Orville. Yeah. And no matter what happens, if he finds that box, you know what you might do, Nick, and what I think he would do if you found the box? You'd probably cry. Now, Nick, and what I think you would do if you found the box? You'd probably cry. Now let me ask you this.

And then you wouldn't open it. Okay. That's what I was going to ask. It would get real. You would see it. It would get heavy. Because dude, it happened to me. And you know what happens when you get to that moment?

You go, I don't even know what I'm looking for. Here's the question. And I think, you know. I know. But you might have to experience that. Can Nick exactly? Nick, would you open it if you found it? He will not know until he's there. Yeah, he will not know.

It's so unbelievable to. So I don't think we can open. We can't open the goddamn coffin. Olivia, I got a question for you really fast. Sorry, Nick, but we got to go to Olivia. She's our caller. Hey, Olivia. Yes.

You think this is the guy you're going to spend the chunk of your life with? Is this your man? Yeah, this is my man. So I think at this stage of his life, he might have to dig in the ground and get to that box. Okay, well, I'll tell you what, I'll tell you what, you could dig up the hole as long as you make the little shrine for Orville. And whatever you dig up, you make sure everything is back there when you bury it. Man, I agree with this spot.

Yeah. You know, drink your coffee out there. This I love. OK, I don't know. Good to me. So, Nick, are you of course it does. Well, no, it doesn't. It's like Nick called the show. No, it isn't. And I'm going to tell you why. Bring that up. No, I'm going to tell you why. Because Nick wanted Nick wanted this shit in the house. Okay, true, true.

Olivia is saying. I don't want it, that was, yeah. That was the main thing. So Olivia is saying, I'm gonna let you dig it. This is what our relationship's about, Gareth. They each make a compromise. Yeah, Gareth. It's Gareth, Gareth.

T-H, grave digger. The guy's got a million podcast. You don't know what's going on. Hey, that's nice. It's not working So Nick No matter what you find when you're digging none of it goes in the house. It all goes back preserved and You are we are re preserving that area outside for Orville. And when you're doing it, you're paying your respects to him. You are thanking him. You are saying, this is my own personal journey. I mean, no disrespect, but this is where I'm planning on spending my life. And I just want to know what's in the land that I live, where I'm gonna have my children in Orville.

And I think you would understand that. You know what he'll say? Yeah, I understand that man. And you go, Hey Orville, I'm a man too. And when you get down there and you're staring at his box, Nick, cry those eyes out, man, because you've been holding those tears in for too long. You don't hate authority, you hate your dad, brother. You hate your dad!

I feel like you're reflecting a lot right now. There's a lot going on, Olivia. I think we somehow have maybe solved the problem for Jake and Nick. I'm a too old man, I've already solved this problem, brother. But obviously... This old dog's been let out of the kennel, Nick. You're just a young dog, man. All right, buddy, maybe stop relating for a minute.

Look, I think at the end of the day, Olivia, you feel good, Nick, you feel good, Jake, you seem a little unhinged. Yeah, you don't seem okay. But do we... Garrett, your asshole and balls have no hair on them neither does Orville's The hair and the nails. Hey, Nick, while we're down there take a look at the pelvic area Have a look see if there's hairs where the asshole was Put some sugar and honey on those balls a little sugar and honey on there get the worms back in there

Hold on. We're all solving problems here for ourselves. Put a little sugar honey on the pelvic bone See what happens see if the worms get back there and clean it out for the old guy Hold on, we're all solving problems here for ourselves. Put a little sugar honey on the pelvic bone. See what happens. See if the worms get back there and clean it out for the old guy. So you two, Nick and Olivia now. First, Nick, and then we're going to go to you, Olivia. How do you feel about this? Walk us through the plan.

Where are we at? I'm on board. I'm with this. I get to dig. I get to bury the hatchet. It's like talking to with this. Okay. I get to dig. You know, I get to bury the hatchet, you know? It's like talking to a dog. Yeah.

Okay. So Nick, you are happy with this deal? Yeah. Oh yeah. No matter what, none of it comes in the house. Yeah. Olivia, back to you. Your original call was, how do I keep my husband from bringing this stone into my house? Are you happy with this deal?

Or do you want any changes? We are about to close a deal, but we're open for negotiations. Where yet? I Am happy with this deal because we also get to put a cute little coffee table by it and PR respects him every morning And everything will stay in the grave. Agreed. Nick, are you okay if Olivia picks the cute little coffee table and shares in the placement? Yeah, yeah, she's got a good taste. Hey guys, after this call,

will you guys give each other a hug and just say, we love you, Orville? While doing a butterfly kisses? This is the follow- up from this one. I cannot wait. Yes. And then Nick, you got to with every update, we need some info on this. Okay. Yeah. Well, we'll make that happen. So Olivia, our original caller, are you happy?

I am. Great. It's like Storage Wars, but for a grave. We will talk to you guys soon. Good luck. All right thank you guys. Thanks guys, appreciate you. Bye. Bye guys. This episode is brought to you by Armchair Expert. If you love comedy conversation and hearing famous people get a little too honest you'll want to check out Armchair Expert. If you love comedy, conversation, and hearing famous people get a little too honest, you'll want to check out Armchair Expert every Monday and Wednesday. Host Dax Shepard and Monica Padman sit down with actors, comedians, scientists, really

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I'm having a teacher over parent. Yeah. Hello. Hi, how are you? Welcome to We're Here to Help. Jake's looking for something. You can't find it. Can we get your name, approximate age where you're calling from, please?

Yes. My name is Gracie. I'm 21 and I'm calling from Oregon. Gracie, what can we help you with today? What's going on? So, I'm a wildland firefighter day in the summer and fire season is coming up. During that time, I can be assigned on a fire for like days at a time.

Mm-hmm. And there's no porta potties out there, unfortunately. Jesus. Yes, I have gotten myself to be able to go pee because it's like fast and quick. But I cannot get myself. Jumping in. To pop, to poop outside in in front of or near my coworkers.

That is good. Okay, so first of all, what a wild occupation you have in the summers. That has to be insane. And you're going out there for days, you're fighting fires. So cool. Gracie, first of all, 21 years old, so cool you're doing this. And thank you. to Gracie first of all 21 years old so cool You're doing this and thank you. Good lord. I mean what a It's just awesome brave job. So you are courageous enough to fight a fire

This is a good point in the in the Gracie in the forest Yeah, you've said I'm willing to put my body in front of a fire to save these trees and other people, but I'm not brave enough to squat down and let waste leave my body. It's a very interesting dichotomy. Yeah. It's not like your job is a job of a coward. No. So that's why the tone of this one, Zimmy, you have a wildly courageous job. This isn't camping. This isn't like, I can't, you know, camp crap. This is, I mean, you are in the thick of it.

Time is probably of the essence. Also ripping through fires, kicking ass. So Grace, can I ask you a question about why we don't like squatting in front of the others? I think personally, I'm just like a nervous hooper as it is. I just, it's more of like I just, no matter how bad I need to, I just can't get myself to do it. What is the longest stretch you've gone out there without being able to do that?

Probably, probably only a few days, but the max amount of days that I could be out there is 21 days. Have you, this is a problem, Grace. Have you ever, like, have you been able to do it before? Just it's like bad or you literally are you can only home base it I can only home base it. Wow. All right, grace. I got a question for you And we might have to run a mile to go a block on this one Okay, what is your favorite song? My favorite song. Yeah

Don't worry about probably black hole son Can you do me a favor? My favorite song. Yeah. Probably Black Hole Son. Can you do me a favor? The irony. Oh no. Can you do me a favor and sing as much of it as you can? It doesn't have to be loud. You don't have to blast it out. But just saying Black Hole Son and when you get to Black Hole Son, can you really hit that? Yes.

Thanks. Black Hole Son! Any chance you could start earlier in this song? Yes. Well, Black Hole Son is a recent favorite of mine. Okay. And right now I have... So you don't know the words? I don't know the words, yeah.

Okay, what song do you know the words to? I definitely know the words to like... Brown Eyed Girl? Sorry. Just might be a theme What song do you know the lyrics to there's a reason for this Might be a stupid reason. I definitely, like off the top of my head, I definitely know the words to like Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.

Perfect. Let's hear it. Star? Yes. Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. Keep going, all the way through, Gracie. Don't stop. Just do it the best you can. Gracie, do you know any words to the song? Any song? I don't know.

I thought I did. Yeah. I thought I was on the spot. I think we're finding, Jake, part of the issue. This is another call. This is, no, this is her not being able to perform under pressure. Interesting. Which she's unable to do out in the woods as well.

I think that's right. There is an idea. There's a method to this madness. I get where you're going. How about this? Can you sing the alphabet? Yes. OK.

OK. A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P, Q, R, S, P, U, V, W, X, Y, and Z. H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O-P-Q-R-S-T-U-V-W-X-Y-N-D. Again, continue. How do you like to finish it? Come on, Gracie. Now I know my ABCs, next time won't you sing with me? Perfect. Here's my first pitch. Thank you, you killed it, you got it.

Here's my first pitch. When you gotta go to the bathroom and it's getting kinda bad, you squat down and you start singing that alphabet song on repeat with your eyes closed, you're pushing the whole time and you're just thinking about how many times you can get the song out before you go back.

So you're racing yourself, so all you're thinking about is the song you are not thinking about anything else. He's taking the focus off of the place you should be focused. Just say full on, when you go, you go, oh, I'm not going to take a dump, I gotta go sing out in the woods.

Yeah, I think a part of the problem what's making me nervous is that like someone's gonna come up behind me and they're gonna see me popping a squat in the woods. But they're doing it too. I mean, I'm sure we could get into the psychology of this but it it's You would think that you're but I have a pitch that's crazy First of all might not be bad for you to go do some karaoke, to just learn to perform under pressure a little bit more. But in the vein of that, my next pitch, Jake, do you ever watch the show Naked and Afraid?

Of course I have. Okay, I thought so. What a lot of times they'll do before they go on the show, they find out they're going on the show, they'll take their shoes off, they'll go walk on stones without shoes on for a little while, they'll start making fires before the event, they'll start training. So I think part of the problem is that you're just going into this situation with no training.

Now you're talking. I think what we're going to have to do, Gracie, and as much as I don't want to interrupt your regular lifestyle, is get ready for this situation. By once or twice a week, you need to go do the act in the woods, even though you have access to your home-based toilet. Interesting, interesting. Isn't it? I mean, I don't have access to the woods right now. You might have to drive to go do this. Let me pitch on that.

Okay, go. I think I could pitch on that. So if you don't want to go to the woods, what if you just put your feet, what if you lift the toilet seat up so it's straight porcelain and you put your feet on the toilet bowl and you squat on the bowl as if you were outside? I can do that. I got a good job. It gets used to that weird squat motion.

I got a pitch on that. Why not create a worse condition now so that the wood seems like a dream when it's time for that? And the only place I could think that's worse is the porta potty. You go find a porta potty and you start driving to go do it there once a week for a little while and get your body used to the most uncomfortable place in the world to have to do something like that. I'll tell you something more uncomfortable than that.

What if you start having to take a dump in like a Quiznos bag in your own bathroom? Well, there we go. First of all, a Quiznos bag is going to be hard to come by. But the idea, I mean- A Juul Osco bag. A Juul Osco bag- Disgusting. Is, yeah. No, I mean- A Juul Osco bag. A Juul Osco bag. Disgusting. Is, yeah, no, I think-

That'll get, then when you're in the woods, you'll be at a, it feels like a Four Seasons. I'm gonna go, Gracie, what are you, an apartment, house, what do you got? I'm in an apartment. Oh, damn it. I think the idea of a Juul Osco bag in the bathroom is creating a nightmare situation. I would start there, see how you react, and if that is where you start from, I then think

I really would. That's kind of like we're running the mile. We're training for the marathon. I think before the event, we should do two weeks of going out, driving in the woods and just letting it go. Maybe even go camping for a minute or something like that. There's another pitch we got Gracie that we could do, and that is you build a very easy makeshift dump tent.

And that is you just get like a long stick, like a foldable, you could get it pretty easily, like a six foot foldable, or even because you're gonna be squatting, a four foot foldable thing that you put like a rain poncho on top. You get in, you just put the high part in the middle of that poncho so it goes around you.

So you just have a little privacy. What kind of gear do you have when you're out in the elements fighting the fires? What do you have? I have a big pack, I have some tools. And you gotta- Or a water bottle. You gotta take a lot of that stuff off

to go do it, obviously. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So maybe you take the jacket with you and, uh, you know, you kind of just create a little, a little cone of, you know, cone of bathroom for yourself. So early on, Gracie, when you're hearing this, where are you at? What are you thinking? I'm leaning towards the, the poncho a little bit. I think I wonder why I think I'm afraid of people perceiving me while I'm going to. Yeah.

But the but the. Oh, right. Oh, wait, hold on. Now, the worst you've ever heard, you know? We got something for you, Grace, as a possible option. Natalie, will you talk a little bit and say what you're doing here? Why is this under your favorites and then why don't you tell Gracie what it is? It's under my favorites, Gary.

That's a fucking weirdo. Oh, sorry. It is a pop-up privacy tent for pooping or showering. Changing. And it cost $25 on Wal-Mart. And it comes in a little tiny bag that you can probably throw in your pack. Six foot privacy pop-up tent, instant shower tent,

portable outdoor rain shelter, camp toilet, dressing changing room with carry bag. This was what I was suggesting, but I was gonna make you look like a weird hobo with a stick for $25. You got the real thing here, kid. This is, I think, this is, now, before Natalie threw this pitch up,

you were about to drive to the woods and take a dump. Yeah, in many ways this kind of ruined the dream, but I also think this is a better solution. But now you hear your pitches now, Gracie, and then we want to hear from you. Spend $25 at Walmart and buy this pop-up tent, not a sponsor. Yet.

Squat on your own toilet bowl so that your body gets used to the motion. Take a dump in a Quiznos bag or a Jules Osco bag. Go to porta-potties or find woods and once in a while, train like naked and afraid and dump out in the woods until you're used to it. Gracie, 21, Oregon, a firefighter. What are you gonna do?

I think I plan on using like more than one. I really wanna just be able to go straight into the field and not think about it and do my business. Yeah. So definitely I'm probably gonna buy the tent, but I might also add in the going out in the woods or the Quiznos bag for like exposure therapy. I think that's what you have to do. I think you got it. I think it's good. I think those are the best three to employ. Get the tent. I would start

with the Quiznos bag in the home base. You would start with Quiznos? Well, I would start with the Quiznos bag in the home base get yours You would start with quiznos Well, I would what do you do with the quiznos bag after you poop in it? Where does it sell it to someone else? They won't notice the different Gracie. What are you gonna do with the quiznos bag? Send it to the show Send it to Steve Berg Like aren't home. Yeah. And there's like a dumpster outside. Maybe I just like tie it up, run out there, throw it in the dumpster.

I wonder how long you'd have to wait. And I wonder if there's a smell obstacle to deal with. There is. I don't like the Quiznos pitch anymore after we've talked it out. I wouldn't like this idea of my roommate taking a dump in a bag and waiting until I left. She's saying she's waiting for the room. Maybe your roommates are gone for the day

and you can pull it off. What do you think? Yeah, because I think it's gotta be, right away it goes to a dumpster. I don't want five hours later, just sitting on a dresser. No, no, I definitely wait till like nobody's home.

Yeah. Oh yeah, yeah. That's what you meant, I wait. Yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah. That's what you meant. I wait. Okay. All right. So then you're going to walk us through what you're actually going to do.

Are you Gracie? Are you really starting with dumping in a quiz nose bag? Are we starting with buying the tent, going out in the woods and practicing? Well, I'm not in Oregon yet. So maybe I'm in Hawaii right now going to school. Oh, good Lord. There's plenty of places to dump in Hawaii. Oh, good Lord.

Just go on the beach like a cat. So, maybe while I'm here, I'll start with like the toilet seat or the bag just to like practice for exposure therapy. And once I get over there, I'll buy the tent and then I'll just be like so ready. I would also say, if you're in Hawaii, like go to the beach and go use one of those public bathrooms

there a couple of times. Like that's certainly not a dream scenario. You got to get out of your comfort zone. I think definitely poop in a porta potty. I think it's like with in the open air that she doesn't want a stranger seen her from behind. Nobody wants that. Sounds relatable.

Some people want it. Oh Jesus, wow. Not me, but we have flashers. It sounds like we're talking to one of them. You jumped in fast. No, Gareth, we just live in a world of flashers. Oh. To say nobody wants it in a world where

people's number one hobby is going around a trench coat and flashing. People want the weirdest stuff. I like you framing it as a hobby. I'm getting better at it. No, I think that's a good start. So I would, I mean, that's where I would start. I would just start like getting, I mean, look, those are uncomfortable situations and maybe

you could baby step it. And then I think the culmination would be, yeah I just drive to the woods to drop a deuce and get that ten as a backup in case you you need something like that Maybe that'll come in handy Yeah, that sounds pretty good okay good Gracie will you follow up with us, please I Absolutely will let us know and thank you for what you do out in Oregon. It's really cool stuff Absolutely. And by the way, you might want to download black hole son. It's a great song. There's a lot of lyrics Hey Gracie, if you know the lyrics on three two one go All right, Gracie Let's see what she's got in three two one

On action, let's go either twinkle twinkle, but don't stop until you get it. You're gonna take us out on three two one Twinkle twinkleinkle, little star, how I wonder what you are. Well, up above the world so high, like a diamond in the sky. Twinkle, twinkle, little star, how I wonder what you are. Ring the bell, Garrett!

Are you sure? Okay. Gracie, thank you for the call. This is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is, this is Hello. Hey, how's it going guys? Hey, welcome back. Thank you. It's good to be back. Who are you? Oh, I'm Tori. Tori. From Alabama.

I was on the second episode with you guys. I told you guys about my son who thought that our yard guy, Santos. Oh my God. With Santa Claus. This is crazy. And then I came back. Yeah, we've already had one follow up. And what was the first follow up?

Yes. What was it? I think that the first follow up, we were just kind of trying to figure out what to do because he was still believing that Santos was Santa Claus like six months later. This follow up is that my daughter is now too. And I am not lying.

I drive in the other day. Yes, Santos is in the yard. And now Rocky, my older one, he's kind of like not thinking about it anymore. But Sunny, my daughter, she goes, wait, Santa's here? Santa? And then we get in the house she's running to the window it's Santa it's Santa oh we got we got we did nothing yes you have a video of it nothing to make this happen

Who is it baby? It's Santa Claus! Oh my god. What is he doing out there? He's... he's nothing. Mom, it is another Santa Claus! Are you serious? Yeah. Oh my goodness.

We can't see him because he has his sangong. Okay. Let's go see. Wow. So, Tori, really fast, catch us up. Yeah. What happened? What happened?

What happened? What happened? What happened? What happened? What happened? What happened? What happened? What happened? He's saying on. Okay. Let's go see. Wow. So, Tori, really fast, catch us up. Yeah. What happened with the first, what happened with the boy in the first one? Remind us of the follow-up, would you?

Sure, sure. I mean, I think that what we agreed on, I know there was some mention of getting Santos to dress up as Santa Claus. That was our bitch. What? We said that? You did. You did. And by the time Christmas came around, my son was not thinking about it anymore. It was kind of seasonally like not an issue because...

Oh, it's faded. Okay. Yeah, Santos didn't need to come do the yards as much, but I genuinely was not expecting this to come back around again. But so nothing ended up happening with your son. You never had to confront it. It just faded. Yes, it just faded and it just kind of like worked itself out. So where is your son's belief system on Santa Claus now?

It, it's kind of unclear because like he hears his little sister now doing this and he's kind of like laughing. But I also, we're, we're building a house right now and they both have mentioned like, Oh, is that chimney for Santa Claus? So I'm just trying to figure out like, where does this all land for them? Like did they think that Santa? I got a pitch. Yeah, but keep going. I got a pitch on this one, but finish what you were going to say, Tori.

So where this all lands for them? Yeah. Do we, do we need to hire Santos? Like when we move to this new house? We're gonna be kind of, it'll be a little bit of a drive, but is it crucial that we hire him to keep the magic alive or do we just kind of let that be the end of this so we don't have to carry on?

Well, by no means am I wanna keep Santos from work. So whatever that is, is your decision. But here's what I would pitch. I would pitch sitting both kids down and recording it and having the older brother explain to his little sister who Santa is and who Santos is. And you record the whole thing. Okay. Because you tell him, obviously Santos is not Santa. Santa is the guy who gives you gifts and Santos is the guy who does our gardening. You understand that as the older kid and he'll go, of course, of course I will. Then you go, do you mind doing me a huge favor and just explain it to you little sis?

She's getting a little confused. Okay. me a huge favor and just explain it to you little sis. She's getting a little confused. And they can, he can explain to her, his logic might get a little funky, but all you got to do as mom is keep the, uh, keep the gutters blocked. So no matter what, some pins fall down and in the end on Christmas, a big fat elf is going to climb down that chimney and give them gifts, but it's not gonna be the gardener named Santos I think like I also think if if you don't hire Santos for the next gig, it's as simple as saying like Santos went back to the North Pole or Santa went back to the North Pole. He had to get ready to Christmas that

Santa is a gardener. I'm in the weeds. I know what the hell's going on The fact that it is gone into the next one is crazy So I know I think now Right now the inmates are running the asylum. Yes, so the inmates have to Fix it themselves. So I would just I would honestly do this. I would give the older boy I'll go like hey, can you do me a big favor? Can you talk to your little sis? I think she's getting confused I like what she confused about she thinks the gardener Santos is

Santa and you obviously know Santa is thinks the gardener Santos is Santa. And you obviously know Santa is, you know, the elf who climbs down the chimney and eats the cookies with the reindeers, gives you the gifts. But she thinks- Just quickly, Santa's not an elf, Jake. He's an elf.

What are you talking about? He's a jolly old elf. He's not an elf. Elves work for him. He's a jolly old elf. Who told you that? He's not an elf. Elves work for him. He's a jolly old elf. Who told you that? He's not an elf. What do you think he is?

How big is he? He's big. He's a big boy. He's a huge man. Read the text, baby. He's a little guy. Read the text? Gareth, he's a little guy.

He's a little guy. Yes, he is. Yes, he is. No, he's not. You were thinking of the Coca-Cola commercial, babe. I'm thinking of every tip or allusion to Santa of all time. Santa is a jolly old elf. He's a little guy.

I can't even engage in this statement because it's so untrue. Santa's an elf? You're right, Gar, no, he's not an elf. Yeah, he's not an elf. But he's a big, he's not an elf. Yeah, he's not an elf. He's a big He's a Garth right. He's a big immortal gift-giver Tim Allen's not an Allen he said yeah, it's accurate

Origin story, but yes read the books. I seriously thought you could say read the Bible read the Bible So Tory will you do that Will you record your kids talking about it and send it to us? Yeah, absolutely. I think it's going to, I think it'll be a younger sibling thing, believing the older sibling, and I think they got to clean this up. Wait, okay, hold on. I'm sorry. I know we're done with the call. I have a pitch. I'm ready. What would make you more convinced that Superman and Clark Kent were two different people than seeing them at the same time?

I like where you're going. What we should do is you should hire a Santa and you should have Santos at that event and the kids can see that Santos and Santa are separate people. Okay. And might I even, might I make a crazier suggestion? The earlier we can get ahead of this the better. I used to do children's birthday parties. If someone ordered a Santa Claus for July, it would be weird, but I'd be like, whatever, money's money. I would do it. You could order a Santa to come over to your house in July

and have Santos come inside and hang out for 20 minutes, have some cookies. You could just be like, Santa wanted to show you that him and Santos are friends, but not the same guy. You each get a present. This is a one-off. Good night. Are you still doing those parties? Are you available? You live in Alabama. I'll tell you what I'm not available for is a commute to Alabama to be a Santa for 20 minutes with my man Santa. Can I read you something from, was the night before Christmas?

Is this going to be about how Santa's a- The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth and the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath. He had a broad face and a little round belly that shook when he laughed like a bowl full of jelly. He was chubby and plump, a right, jolly old elf. And I laughed when I saw him in spite of myself. Ladies and fucking gentlemen, read the text. But he's regular size and the illustrations in that.

Yeah, read the text. You believe in Coca Cola's lies, Rob. Right? Jolly old elf. Jake, Jake, Jake, Jake. No, what are we doing? We're not done with the calls. You might want to hire a Santa impersonator and have Santos come inside. Oh, you're not going to do it.

It's not about me doing it. Jesus Christ, Tori, it's an option. Look, I don't want to say anything and sound unkind, but Jake Johnson, you are out of your goddamn mind, Tori. Thank you for the book. Thank you, Tori. I don't have to say anything unkind, but Jake Johnson, you're out of your mind. Santa was a jolly old elf.

I will admit, I did not know about that text. Thank you, Tori. Keep us posted. Do one or the other. All right. Talk to you later. Bye. That is where I was like, we've read that book so many times, I knew Jake was right.

Well, I read that book. Well, but there are illustrations. Well, believe it or not, the illustration started with Coca-Cola. Do you look at the pictures, or do you look at the, read the words? Yeah, I look at the pictures. It's original, it's the original drawings on the book. I read it to my kids, and I remember going, a jolly old elf, he ain't an elf.

And then I went, why is he, and then, because I remember he scared my daughter. What are you, we're at chat TV to look at the text? It's saying about his Brazilian wax a Jolly old Elm was the night before Christmas you guys also know Santa ain't real So that's a bit that could be my point to you of st. Nick st. Nick Twas the night before Christmas was what created all then Coca-Cola is actually a very big argument. I, it was the night before Christmas, was what created it all. Then Coca-Cola came and said,

we can make money. This is actually a very big argument. I know it is. Coca-Cola said, no, we want a big old fat guy like Tim Allen. We'll sell our cokes with it. You wanna know why he's drinking all that sugar? But the real guy, you wanna know why he could fit down in a chimney?

Not because he's six or four, 300 pounds, gentlemen. Cause he's a jolly old elf. And when I broke that down to my daughter she got scared And then I had to say Well, I don't think it's scary. He brings gifts and she goes it's a little Santa in the house And I looked at my wife and I went she's bringing up a really interesting point. I think your wife's like yeah You're the one who made her do that Well, even the whole idea she's like she, she started getting, she's a little paranoid.

She'd be like, I'm excited for the gifts, but he's just walking around our living room. Yeah. He told me that it's a man. He eats the cookies, but have a whiskey. Sit down. Just go to bed. She could have apparently no Santa Claus is not an elf. Although some early depictions described as the answers. I'm Rob. I look at illustrations. Read the modern image, but the modern image of Santa as a rotunda red faced man and a beard is largely due to illustrations during the civil war, not Coca-Cola. Read the text is the funniest thing to say about a fake man. He was chubby and plump. Read the text. The chat GBG says he's not. Oh, I like, we're in the-

How do you deal with this guy? Well, I look at the photos and I come up with my answers. This is why I'm so mean, because- I get you. Me too. I deal with Gareth. This is the idea that you're in a courtroom, read the text. Like a John Grisham character about a fucking elf.

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question at helpfulpod at gmail.com. And if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here to Help, you can go to our Patreon at patreon.com slash here to help pod to see our entire catalog. We're here to help is produced by rabbit grim productions, executive producers, Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter, and Natalie Hollis, associate producer, Jesse Thurston editing mix and master by Chris Faller theme song by Oliver Raleigh. The cover artwork is by James Faustike, animations by Andrews Strilecki.

And if you'd like to see Gareth do stand up on the road, go to garethrents.com. Remember all the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions. All video episodes of season one are available now on Patreon. And season two video episodes will be available every Monday

starting January 20th. Go to patreon.com forward slash here to help pod. Hey there, we're here does that's the new name we have for you. This is Gareth. Just reminding you if you have not checked out my new podcast. Next we have also a headgun production. Please do that. It is a show that just has a lot of good quick hitting segments that are funny.

The show is just silly, goofy. It's a good time. I think people will like it. That's why it was named Time Magazine's Podcast of the Year. That's a lie. Don't look it up. But, you know, listen, we're here to help the best. So if you like this show, I think you might like my new podcast called Next We Have. Please give it a listen. And if you like it, you know, do all that stuff you got to do with podcasts. Appreciate it.