We're Here to Help - 197: Dog Communication & Don't Cry For Me, Season Tickets (with Judd Apatow)

Episode Date: August 13, 2025

Gareth and Jake are joined by the great Judd Apatow for this bonus episode. First, they help a caller whose dad will only talk to the dog. Then, they host a sing-off with very high stakes.Check out the 20th Anniversary release of The 40-Year-Old Virgin -- now available to own with all-new bonus content and look out for its re-release in theaters nationwide on August 22nd. You can also catch Trainwreck for its 10th Anniversary re-release in theaters nationwide on August 22nd. Judd's book Comedy Nerd is available for pre-order now!The We’re Here to Help Van and Jake’s brother, Dan, will be at the Maren Morris concert at Ravinia on August 22nd. Meet fellow listeners, make some real-world connections, and be part of our first-ever fan meetup. Use code GILSENTME for 20% off reserved Pavilion seats at ravinia.org. Terms apply.Want to call in? Email your question to [e-mail]: https://patreon.com/heretohelppodMERCH: heretohelppod.comINSTAGRAM: @HereToHelpPodIf you’re enjoying the show, make sure to rate We’re Here to Help 5-Stars on Apple Podcasts.Advertise on We’re Here to Help via Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a headgum podcast. We're here with Judd-Apato. Judd, Judd, do you know anything about the show? We're happy to tell you about it. You help people, and that's important to me, because that's the only reason why I'm in this is to help people. Good. You know what? Here in your voice just made, reminded me of about you, which I, first of all, thanks for joining the show. We're both big fans, man. Happy to be here. But your start when you would send, when you would try to interview people as a little boy.

I know what you guys feel like trying to get guests on your podcasts. Garrett, do you know about what Jed did? No, there's some great, there's some great stuff there. And the Gary Shandling documentary, there's some great stuff in there, too. Oh, yeah. The fact that the audio exists of me at 16 before my voice broke, talking to my heroes. Because everyone's why you want to play it for someone as a joke, but it is so embarrassing. Because it's like, so I know you like to do comedy, but do you also like to do acting?

Yeah, but it just took such guns. I think I was trying to invent the podcast. I love long form. No one was into long form back then. So all those people had never done long interviews. Maybe they did some morning radio or something. But no one ever interviewed them. That's why they said yes,

because nowadays everyone is doing long form interviews all the time. And back then, if you asked Seinfeld, it's like there was nothing on his calendar. Right. You know, so he would just do it. even ask questions like how old are you everybody had their planned bits so what we do on this is we're going to get a couple of calls gareth and i have not heard the calls either we are going to pitch on it and figure out what we can do there's no rules to right or wrong pitches we just kind

of see what happens i am ready um and what do you've been up to these days are you doing more stand-up or what's your kind of well i have a book called uh comedy nerd which is is a, it's like an autobiography in scrapbook form. So I went through all my photos, all the memorabilia, all the notes from the studio, just every bit of ephemera and wrote essays explaining what it all was. That's cool. And it's just a nerd hoarders paradise. So you can pre-order that.

It comes out in October. And all the money goes to people affected by the fires. in L.A. and to 826, it does a free tutoring. So I gave away all the money. I should have gave away some of the money. Yes. Because it's a lot of work. Yeah.

But, like, it was two years' work, and then I was like, I should have gave away, like, a quarter of them. And all of it. And is the book about stand-up or everything you've done from directing to right into everything? It's everything about my comedy obsession. So it starts with me as a kid and just shows my list of, what impressions I thought I could do.

I had a notebook and I listed, like, I can do Henry Kissinger. Oh, wow. I can do Jimmy Carter. You know, like, it starts there and then moves up through high school and the interviews. And then, you know, I literally put part of my college essay in the book. Because my college essay at USC was I told them what buildings I was going to donate. You know, I just described my donation, which is funny because I became quite a scandal in America.

But in 1985, that was my funny essay was how much money I was going to give in very specific detail. And now you're giving away all the money from the book. Yeah, but not to USC. They don't get a penny. The end of that joke is that I never give money to USC, even though I really promised it. I guess I'm supposed to mention to you, depending on when you're airing this, that at the end of August, They are re-releasing train wreck and the 40-old Virgin in movie theaters for a week. Oh, no way.

Which is fun. It's going to be on 800 screens. We just re-did the 40-old Virgin so it looks good and sounds better. Fuck, yeah, man. Because it's the 20th anniversary and the 10th of train wreck. Great. I'll even tell you the date. What day is it coming out?

August 22nd for a week. And so, you know, people say there's not a lot of comedies in the theater, you could watch old ones, which if you haven't seen with people, they get laughs. It's worth the time. What a blast, man. We did a 20th anniversary screening at the Academy of Film Museum, and there was a thousand people there, and I hadn't watched it, honestly, in 20 years. So it was the first time I ever watched it where I had forgotten about 70% of the jokes,

where I could actually laugh at it, and I was happy. I thought, you know what? You didn't screw that out. Yeah, it's such a killer. What's your kind of favorite role these days? Do you think it's more doing stand-up writing, producing, direct-in? What kind of brings you the most joy? I've been doing a lot of documentaries.

I'm doing one about Mel Brooks right now. Oh, cool. And so we've got to spend a lot of time with Mel. He's 99 years old, and Sharp is attack and hilarious. And we're also doing a documentary about Norm McDonald. Oh, wow. And so it's been fun spending, like, a year just watching every Norm clip ever. And it's endless.

Like, we all think Norm was the funniest. But when you really start watching it all again, you realize you forgot most of all those talk show appearances. There's so many and how many incredible jokes he had. And moments, weird moments that you forgot about. He did the correspondence dinner, you know, back in the day. Like, he really was so funny and took chances that you forget about. Like, really took some wilds.

some wild swings out there's some we can't believe how harsh they are like they would not fly now like even those ones they do now where they're like oh we're doing edgy ones and we're flipping rolls and you have to read my jokes the norm ones are few levels

beyond no he was like bombing OJ jokes for like three years he was almost like performing for the future to some extent where it's like when he did that roast when he just read old corny jokes from a joke book and it was silent

oh the sagged rose yeah yeah it slowly started to pick up towards the end like people started be like this is unreal he's hanging in there I mean those are fun I really like making the documentaries and trying to organize it because I feel like in the future we will need the documentaries to know who these people were it'll be like the portal through which you you decide you love norm

and then you'll go down a YouTube rabbit hole and find all the shit Yeah, so that's fun for me. Because, like, I think in a way, all I ever did want to do is just watch all this stuff. Right. You know, I think I just made stuff to get access to the world. But now that I'm in the world, I'd rather go back to watching stuff

and not making stuff. I do catch myself in scenes a lot of the time that I feel like I'm just watching the other person and I'm thinking like, because I loved TV so much, then I'll be in like a cross-covered thing and I'll be like, God, they're so fun to watch. I'm like, I have such a great shot. out of this unthinkably funny. And they're doing exactly what I like.

Oh, absolutely. They're doing that thing that they do that's so fun. And I'm like, wow. And then I'm like, fuck, I have a line, asshole. When I would produce on those Will Ferrell movies, and there wasn't like an enormous amount to do once we started shooting. And McKay and Will wrote those movies, and they were just beasts on the script. So most of the time, I'm just watching.

And just dealing with if it rains, what are we going to shoot? It really becomes like pure like line production. Like your creativity disappears because it's just so well in hand. And I would just find myself on set, you know, watching them sing afternoon delight. Pretty fun Tuesday. As a fan, I'm like, I know what's happening. Like I'm like, this is like you're sitting and watching the Marx Brothers make duck soup. Yeah, totally.

When you and us, Sandler were roommates, did you, because Gareth and I are 20 year of friends, we got our buddy Steve Berg and our Gettlesina. We've all continued to work. And we all kind of knew when we met each other that this group would keep going. Did you guys have that kind of thing where you're like, we know there's something here with this team?

Yeah. Well, it's funny because I saw Sandler in New York. I didn't know him. I saw him at the comic ship. Maybe I was 20 years old or something. And he used to do this joke where he would come out and he'd be wearing sweatpants. And he would go,

This is my impression of Mikhail Beresnikov. And then he would just take the top of his sweatpants and pull up high so it was like balls protruded. That was the whole joke. And he was just so charismatic and so funny. One of those people, the moment you saw him, you were like, oh, that's the guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He's going to be the guy. That wins. And, you know, I've seen thousands of people since then, but there's almost no one where you go. So, yeah, that's the next Eddie Murphy. I just saw him. And then we met maybe later that year more formally and lived together. And then across the street, Rob Schneider lived.

What a class. And down the street, Spade lived. And then Jim Carrey was always around. And I was trying to help him write sketches for in living color. And where in L.A. was this? We were in North Hollywood. So we were like Tunga and Riverside. Great.

And we were $900 a month apart. Of course. My rent was $4.25 a month. So you can live on that. Like I had a job. I would try to write jokes for people. I get $50 here and there. And then I would write jokes for Roseanne, get a couple of hundred bucks from her and Tom, do some spots of the improv.

So, like, suddenly you're like, oh, my God, I can pay my rent. Yeah, I'm doing the thing. I can go to Red Lobster here and there. Yeah. And then Sandler, he was on MTV, so he was doing remote control at the time. Oh, my God. And so he had a thing, like, he would VJ on MTV. And back then, that was gigantic.

And so everyone felt like, oh, the Sandler thing's going to happen. There was no one thinking the Judd thing's going to happen. But there was a lot of the Sandler thing is going to happen. You know, Wednesday, Jim Carrey thing going to happen. You know, Sandler's roommate, that guy's going to do it. And Spade came to town, and everyone was like, oh, there's this guy from Arizona, and Rob Schneider came from San Francisco. And he had the coolest, weirdest act.

And then me, I was like, I like, I like comedy, too. I've got to take the corner as me as a boy. Does anyone who I know how old Seinfeld is? I want to write jokes for you. Hey Natalie, we got a caller? Yeah, we have our caller. This episode, we're here to help, is brought to you by Rocket Money.

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Money.com.com slash help today. That's rocketmoney.com slash help. Rocketmoney.com slash help. And we are brought to you by Kachava. Oh boy. I love Kachava. This is the best protein powder I've ever had without question. It has the best taste. It is the best taste. It is the The highest quality. I recently was doing vanilla, but then I had chai. And just as, it is the greatest. I cannot say enough good stuff about Kachava. They also have flavors that taste good.

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smoothie where like, ah, I'd rather, you know, drown than drink this to being like, this is delicious. I mean this. It is as good as it gets. I'm addicted to Kachava. Kachava's called me and have been like, hey, you need to stop. And I'm like, hey, you need to stop. So there's a bit of friction there. But it's only because I love the product. So fuel your daily adventures with Kachava. Go to kachava.com and use code here to help for 15% off your. your next order. That's Kachava, K-A-C-H-A-V-A.com. Code here to help for 15% off. Hello. Hello. Hi. Welcome to the show. Thank you. You're welcome. Can we get your name? I'm Andy. Andy. And Andy, where are you calling from?

I'm from the Nashville area. Okay. How old are you, Andy, roughly? 25. Jake, do you care about Andy's memoir title? Kind of. You got any questions for it, Gareth? I mean, we can do a memoir. Andy, let's say you got a memoir. Okay, looking back on your life.

What a life. What do you call it? Probably something along the lines of somebody help her. Well, you've come to the right place with the right premise. Well, you've got me, you've got Jake, and we have a guest helper. We have Judd Apatow on the line to help solve whatever your problem is, Andy. You're in a good zone, Andy. Yeah, so this is, we feel there's a high confidence level here.

Good, good. So what's going on? What can we help you with? All right, so my husband and I are in a house transition. So we sold our house and we're in the process. We bought another house in the process of moving in. So we've been crashing with my parents for a while. it's fine

it's great we love my parents we all get along but my dad does this one thing that I need some help on so he likes to talk to the dog

he only interacts with us through the dog so instead of asking instead of asking us questions he'll ask the dog questions so like if we're leaving the house he'll say

Like, where are they going, Bella? Where are they going to be back, Bella? He'll drop a, Bella, they're leaving you. Andy, this is exclusive. So your dad's always going dog first. Always dog first. And what do you do when it happens? So right now I kind of just stare at him.

I don't really have the energy to, I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I don't like do I talk back to him through the dog that feels wrong so I kind of just wave it off but that just feels kind of awkward what did you put the dog in a closet if I put the dog in the closet yeah just hide the dog or if I'm coming in the house it'll be immediately oh Andy who's her or Bella who's how Did Andy come to see you?

So that wouldn't really. So dad's doing everything through the dog. Did this start when you just moved back in? You know, it's been going on for a while. I think maybe I've really noticed it now that we're there all the time. And I also feel like it gets worse kind of daily. You said you're living with your parents, right? Yes.

What does your mother think? Does your mother notice? Does she care? She has no care in the world about that. Doesn't notice, doesn't care. Is he ill? That's a fair question. Is there something like, is he having a mental issue or a neurological issue?

It's possible. And maybe I should have called a therapist. Hold on. If that's the issue, this is the wrong place. Because we're going to pitch some really stupid shit. No, no, no. Yeah, it can't be that, Andy. If it's really that, we're in a lot of trouble here.

Let's guess the medicine. He's a pretty normal guy. What does he do for a living? Fair question. What's his occupation? He works with trucks, so like mechanic, all that kind of stuff. All right. Yeah, so, so Andy, what is this?

So your dad just talks to you through a dog. Have you ever then said, well, he's done? doing that. If you go, I'm going out and he says to the dog, is she going out? What do you say? Do you go, yeah, dad, I'm going out. Yeah. Yeah, what? I'm trying to get a sense of what the real problem here is and what the question is. I get a sense of this is really weird. Your dad's doing it. But if I was around somebody who was just talking to a dog around me, I would kind of call him out on it. Do you ever call him out on it?

Right. I don't. And because it feels awkward, so that might be one of the questions is how do I call it without being like, dad, stop. Okay. So you don't want to go confrontational with your dad. That's not your relationship with him. So, but you want this to end. So what is the specific question we can try to help you with? Okay.

So how do I get him to stop doing this and or how do I respond when he does? I mean, there is something to the idea of put, like, when you and your husband are going to go do something, to Judd's pitch of you kind of put the dog somewhere else and see, like the dog's not around always. You have to at some point. You are having communication with your father, right? I mean, like... Yes, yes, yes.

That is occurring. There is some human interaction there. So then it's really about how we got to kind of confront him. You got to find a way to just be like, dad, talking through a dog is insane. I got a pitch. Go. I think you heighten it. I think he talks to the dog.

You talk to the dog exclusively. and I think we got to show him how weird this behavior is. So he talks to the dog. Then what happened there, Andy? I was going to say that's the thing is. I don't know if he realizes how weird it is. What if you got a bunny and brought the bunny in and you talked through your bunny while he talked to his dog?

Do you have any other pets, Andy? No, no, it's just the one. And who else in your immediate group? Does your husband also think it's weird? Because you said mom doesn't care. Right. My husband thinks it's weird, but he will kind of engage him and, like, play the game. And what is the game?

And talk. Yeah. Talk to the dog. Talk to the dog with dad, if that makes sense. Give us a demo, please. So when dad is saying, where are they going, Bella? Are they leaving? My husband will say, we're leaving, Bella.

So the home's not going to work. you got to cut he's got to cut that out Garrett you got any crazy pitches I mean it's tough it is tough I like when Judd said a bunny

there is something to getting a fish like that's a low lift that's easy you can have your communication fish so every time your dad is talking through Bella you talk through your fish and maybe there's a way

that that starts to make him be like oh that's interesting the other thing I was thinking is you could you and your husband could kind of fake a fight through Bella in front of him. And maybe that's a way to show like the insanity. But you kind of need a united front.

Mob should be a part of it too. I would say if you all make a decision on one day to talk through Bella to him and to each other, it'll really ruin any actual communication because it's totally insane. right it's not nuts but fairly practical in the sense that your dad has a dog translator but i get it you know people get too close to their animals yes you know like we we got a cat during covid because we wanted something to cheer us up and then we got a second cat because we wanted to be twice as happy as we were from the first cat and then by the end of COVID we had four cats and sometimes they'll all sit on our cutting board like all four of the cat assholes on the

cutting board. And we don't care because we just love the cats. And we're like, that can't hurt us. And we're, that's what you get. You get like too close to your animals and you, you lose all sense of how you're supposed to behave. Hey, Andy. I definitely think that's what's going on here. Do you think your dad would like to talk with you more? Yes. Do you think the dad's using the dog because he feels awkward around you? Yeah. Really. So here's what I'm thinking, Andy. Here's what I think you've got to do. I think you either have to have another animal with it.

I think you have to talk to something else. You have to ignore or you have to fully have such a long conversation back and forth with the dog so that a certain point your dad thinks you're weird. Get a stuffed animal. Talk through that. What do you think, Andy? What are you going to do? I like the goldfish idea.

I can do this. that. Okay, do it. Let's see what happens. Do it and follow up with us. Do it. Let's see what happens. Try to get a goldfish, talk back, and let's see what happens.

I might do that. And then will you follow up with us? I will. All right. Thank you, Andy. Thank you for the call. Thank you, guys. I appreciate it.

All right. Goodbye. Bye. Bye. I think she got a little nervous around old Judster. Yeah. I didn't get that at all. She got so quiet, one wordy.

People don't get nervous around old Jake and Gareth on this. God, no. No, they're actually quite rude to me normally. They tell us how bad the advice it is. Yeah, they'll tell us we were fat or something like that. She definitely was like, okay, cool. She was like, that should be fine. Yeah, it's like, well, you did call us.

Yeah. And honestly, I'm starting to be on the dad's side. 100%. There's not a lot of good communication happening in that family in any direction. Let's call her back and see if now she took a breath if we can kind of get to the bottom of this. We have so many weird dad calls. Like so many of the advice calls are like, my dad is doing really weird shit,

and I don't know what to do about it. It's so easy to become the weird dad. That's almost impossible not to. I mean, at some point, you're just bored and frustrated with your job and talking to the dog too much and just hanging by your fingertips in life. If you just get some weird hobby or some weird obsession, and your kids are like, what is wrong with you? I went to a lunch with Eric Adelstein today,

and we were talking because I got two daughters myself. And last year, one of them played basketball, and so I could sometimes drive the team from school to the game. But my lease is running up, so I'm looking for a new car. And Eric was like, he's trying to sell us on Cadillacs. He wants Cadillacs to come back. And I said, like, I hear it. And he's like, Elvis had a caddy.

I'm like, I hear you, man. I was like, but I want a little bit bigger in case they get to drive my daughter and her friends in the car, and he goes, so you could trap them and they have to listen to you? I realize, like, yeah, that's the exact reason. So they're stuck in my car, and I can go, like, you know, you win a basketball game by grabbing loose balls, by setting picks. And I'm like, you guys can't leave.

It's a 40-minute drive. I want you locked in the back of a car. I control the music, and let me just turn Billy Elish down a little bit and just say this. Hey, guys, defense does win championships, and my daughter will just die inside and I'll just turn it right back up. How old is she? I've got twin girls who are entering sixth grade. Oh, wow. Yeah, so I'm right beginning.

That's a good era. Yeah, it's the best. I never wanted my daughters to play sports because I didn't want to go to sports events. And then that worked for a while. One of my daughters took basketball, and there was this one girl on her team, Pilar, and they were like eight, and she was just a ball hog and just shot every time. And I'm like, see, this sucks. let's never do this again, then she never played sports again.

You talked to her out of sports. And then my other daughter, wasn't into it, did volleyball, wasn't into it. Then out of the blue, competitive cheerleading. Next thing you know, I'm in Sacramento,

and I'm in Riverside and Vegas. And then it's so boring. You have to watch so many, you know, tears. And then you just start praying for them to fall off the pyramid. You're just literally hoping there's a terrible accident. Sports would have been better.

We have Andy back, but we also have our next caller about to jump on, too. Do you want to see if the next caller can get anything out of her? Let's bring Andy back when the caller jumps in. We'll get off with Andy. Okay. I just want one last swing at Andy. One last swing. All right, Jake.

All right. Hey. Hey, Andy, you're back on? I'm back. You know, I was thinking the memoir was called. somebody help her somebody help me out i don't know if we helped you are you happy with this solution andy talk to me here i think so but what do you want to do your dad's talking to the dog right yeah how do we stop it andy do you want to get loud with him do you want to call him out do you want

to talk as do you want to answer to the dog what do you want to do i don't want to answer the dog i want to stop the dog talk for sure and what do you think would be the most effective in your house um let's see i mean he's not really an emotional guy so any sort of like confrontation like that is not that's what we're really talking about yeah this is the meat of it yeah he doesn't want the confrontation which is fine we don't want it either but he doesn't want to talk period is what i'm getting is that right and this is this is a symptom of a larger dad shut down conversation yeah that feels right so if he talks to the dog what if you answer in letter form letter form yeah dog can't read what is that he says you you get in salad you want to eat some

salad you write down on a piece of paper you hand it to him just change the form of communication you can start doing dog voice you only talk back in dog voice when he does that go full scooby-doo Yeah, give a little bit like, where I'm excited for dinner, too? Like something like that. Like the commitment. I think he might just come back. He might come back with that. I got an idea.

I got an idea, Andy. Does he, so he uses a baby dog voice? A little bit. Old man, baby dog voice. Here's what I want you to do. Next time you're sitting on the couch with him with no dog, ask him in a baby dog voice how he's doing. And then what I want you to go. I was like, in a baby dog voice, go like,

how'd work, are you a little lonely dad? Maybe he's got to use the voice to communicate. Maybe we could break through of, is it nice having your baby back at home, lonely dad? You know what you could do. Don't care. Do it if I love you. Do that for two weeks and then have your husband pull him aside

and say, you think that the way that he's talking through the dog is making you do this voice, just driving you crazy. and ask him if he can pull back on that a little bit for your sake, for the sake of your marriage. Okay. What do you think, Andy, of talking to your dad with the same dog voices when the dog is not around, personal questions about your dad,

then trying to get on a one-on-one with dad, no dog, you're both just talking about your life and your feelings and baby dog voice. I think I could do that. Could you record it? I could, yes. Okay, keep going. So you think you could do it, you think that what? I think that might get to, I think that might get through to him.

Okay. If you do that, will you record a voice note on your phone as you're doing it? Yes. And then would your, like, can we do Garris thing? In a week of so of doing that, if that happens, will you have your husband say to him? Could you stop with the dog voices because my wife is getting really crazy with it? And I want her to stop. Yeah.

No, I think that could work. And my husband is the perfect person. for that. Okay. Commit to it, though. So then, Andy, what are you going to do? I like that. I'm going to start talking to my dad, asking him about his day, about his life, in a dog voice.

Well, while the dog's not around, the dog is not a part of this conversation. Good. And when the dogs around, you speak regular. Speak like a normal, like a normal human. Yep. Okay. Andy, give us a taste. Andy, give us a taste.

Okay. that's here you be you and the dad okay so we're sitting there coming home from work hey dad how is your day I'm in pretty good commitment it's a delightful dog if I could give a note I would say a little more I don't do the dog voice much well no no that's not bad it's a great I would add a little more gruff scooby to it same. Let's try again, Andy, with a little bit more dog in there. You've got to make it bad for him. A little more dog. Okay.

Actually, we've got one of the best directors in the game. Judd, are we missing anything here? I think just the longer, the better should just be very extended. You should talk like the dog for at least 90 seconds. I mean, that's perfect. So can you give us 90 seconds of a take here as the dog to your day? You're about to learn how long 90 seconds are. Andy, don't worry about what comes out of your mouth. Just commit full dog in three, two, one action. Oh, hey, Dad. How was your day?

I'm goofy. 85 more seconds ago. Keep going, Andy. Did you have a good day today? Did you make any friends at work? Oh, my God. That question. Keep going, Shooter.

What are you going to eat for lunch today? What are you going to have for dinner tonight? Are you going to have any sweet treats after dinner? That's great. By the way, Andy, if you did that to your daga on the couch and he answers you, you're in a whole new era with this relationship. This is a good zone here, killer. It's good.

This is a good zone, Andy. I also like making them like dog-centric questions. Like, are you going to get a treat after? dinner. Same. I think it's pretty good. I think it's worth the shot. Lay the foundation and then have your, and then I would say have your husband pull in and make sure to record it for our purposes. And don't get caught recording it. All right. Andy, you're going to do it? I like this idea. I'm going to do it. I think it's going to work. Try it out and then follow up

with us, okay? Awesome. I will. Thanks for calling back. Thanks. See you. Bye. Good call back. Hello? Hi. How are you? Good. How are you? Good.

Can we get your first name, please? Yes, my name is Aaron. Aaron? How old are you, Aaron? I am 33. 33. Where are you calling from? Detroit.

Detroit. If there was a memoir about your life, Aaron, what would it be called? Um, probably constant disappointment. That's probably what it'd be a son- Damn, Marin, that's a killer title. That's a brutal start, especially after that last one. We've had somebody help me in constant disappointment. We've got to stop with these nine more questions, Karen.

Genuine cry for help. It's a cry for help. Seriously. It's a fair well out there, you know. I don't disagree. Aaron, so I, and your problem, today, if 10 is the most serious, zero's the least, where are we at on this?

Are we going to be at about a seven? How important is this problem to you? It's pretty important. I'd say we're at like a nine. Okay, so this is a big one. Well, we got somebody who's going to help who I'm very excited about. I've been a fan of them from basically my entire adult life, I would say, starting about 17, 18.

Mr. Judd Apatow has joined the pot. I'm serious. It's real. It's happening. He's here. This is wild. This is a big one We've got Gareth as well shooting

And we're ready to try to help Aaron So take it away All right So essentially A big Detroit Lions fan here Have been on my life It's been a rough road But you know

We've turned the corner last couple years So I've been in the waiting list Four season tickets for forever We finally got them this year And my partner at the time Went in on it with me to buy them and then about a month ago

we broke up so now we're kind of not sure how to decide who gets the tickets in a fair way so that's kind of where we're at tickets to what? I didn't hear what the show was.

The Detroit Lions, the football games. So probably nine games. Yeah. How much? Well, with preseason a little bit more but yeah. And maybe with playoffs.

What's the rate for that? And obviously the playoffs, yes. Yeah. I'm sorry. How much does that cost you? So they went up a lot this year compared to this last year. So I think now they're like, they were 100 a game last year. Now they're like 120 or 140.

So that times whatever eight is, I don't do math. I got you. But the thing is, is you both want the tickets. Well, here's the thing. I really want the tickets. I think she just wants the tickets because I want the tickets. She's in the waiting room. She's in the waiting room?

She is? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, she, I had to convince her, like, several days to come on, but she said she would. All right, Aaron, hold on. Before we bring her on, when did you guys break up? It was about a little over a month ago, beginning of June. And how long were you guys together before that?

What do we need to know before this? Yeah, we were together for four years. It's a long one. And it wasn't like some, like, crazy dramatic breakup. It was just kind of, you know, when you realize people grow apart and you just would be better as friends. So we just, you know, don't get along. in the relationship way anymore. So if she decides to give up her half of the tickets,

you pay for them. Is that a win for you? Well, that's what I tried. So that was my first suggestion because I thought that would be like an easy win for me. You know, giving her the money back and then I get the tickets. But then she said that she didn't like that idea.

And then I kind of just tossed out some like very neutral ideas. Like let's like each get half the games. we can flip the games because she doesn't really care as much about the games as I feel like I do. So I feel like her does only matter

which four games she goes to or whatever five. So we tried that. I was like, let's just do like, well now like a coin flip or something easy that's like there's no like,

I don't know, just like a kind of look of the draw type thing. And she didn't like that idea. She wanted, she's very competitive and so am I. So she wanted to do like

some kind of competition that could be judged but then we couldn't sign to you one that because we're all friends of everyone. Aaron, we're neutral. Okay. What were you guys thinking of competing with?

Yeah. Well, that's the other thing, too, is she, like, really wanted to get, like, feel like athletic things, and I am not as athletic as her. So it's like that already puts me into disadvantage. So, and then I was like, well, let's do, like, Lions trivia, you know? And then she was like, no, because she knows that she would lose that because I know a lot more than she does. What about singing?

Yeah, we could do singing. I'm down for it. We did a singing competition. Judd, Gareth, and I are the judges. Whoever picks the better song gets the tickets, the other one's got to be bought out. I mean, I'm down. All right.

What is your... Go ahead, Gareth. Well, what is... Yeah, what is your ex-partner's name? Sophie. So what is she like? Like, because this is your thing that she's trying to... We might have to bring her on, Gareth.

I know, but I... Well, and that's the thing. Maybe we'd kick Aaron out. and just talk to Sophie for a little bit. I do think we need to talk to her solo. I do too. Talk to her solo. Yes.

Let's get, now we got to. It should. You put us in a really weird situation here. Well, listen, I just, I wrote in because I was like, my original question, but I realized it wasn't as fair. I was like, how do we find a way to guarantee that I win? I respect the honesty.

So it's kind of my original fog. Aaron, I like this call a lot, but it might get ugly, okay? So we're on your team right now. We don't know what's going to happen. We talk to take a jump ship really. I'm willing to like, you know, yeah, I can fight for myself. It's all right. Okay, I know you can.

So Natalie, let's put Aaron. Like I said, I'm a constant disappointment, so, you know. I know it. Let's put you on pause for a little bit. And Natalie, can you bring in, what's her name again? Sophia. Sophie? Sophie.

Let's talk to Sophie. Aaron, I'm just going to put you in the waiting room, okay? And then I'll bring me back. Okay. Hello? Hey, Sophie? She's here, but not speaking. Maybe she's muted.

Sophie? It's okay. It seems like an easy win. I mean, Aaron gets the tickets because she's the only one. Sofe? Sophie, are you there? All right, let's go back to Aaron. What does that happen, Natalie?

They're both here now. I mean. Hey, Aaron? Yeah. We're not here in Sophie. We're here and she's here, but she's not saying anything. Does that sound like her? Let me text her real quick.

Hold on. She couldn't have heard the singing part, right? Because I can see her hearing that and hang it. No, she didn't hear anything. Okay. But she's doing this part where we're talking about how she didn't hear anything. Okay. Let me talk to her.

Is it the showing that she's still on the line? Yeah. Yes. Okay. And how bad did she not want to do this show, Erin? I mean, I'm not going to lie. It took me like three days to convince her. Okay.

She might have changed her mind. But she does like the podcast because I've listened to it with her a lot. Okay. So we'll see what happens. So we are going to get to the bottom of this one way or the other. Seems like it's an Evita, Avita sing-off, right? They both up to sing something from Evita. That would be nice.

Judges saw Avita. And it was a 10 out of 10? It was pretty great. Okay. So I, she just texted me back and said that she isn't hearing anything on her end. Oh. Well, at least it's technical. Yeah.

Should I have her like hang up and call back? Yeah. Or is that just her just saying that. Well, we'll give her one more shot. That's so libel. All right. Yeah. Okay, let me try them

So like her to try to screw something up Yeah Constantly disappointed You know, that's what I'm saying That's just my life It's just classic her And you guys So you bought these tickets

You broke up You want them You don't think she actually wants them But she just won't give you the win She doesn't get a fuck about She wants to go to every game together Is that her pitch? Well, and that's it

Well and I was like I don't I mean I haven't told her this yet But like I'm kind of seeing someone else I was like to bring that person into the games. Erin, who dumped who? Aaron dumps over. I honestly would say it's like mutual,

but like 60-40 me. Is she dating anybody? Maybe that's, if she what? Is she dating anybody? Not that I'm aware, but we honestly haven't talked about any of that, really. To be honest, when I asked

you to get into the podcast, that was like the first time we talked in like a couple weeks. You're putting us in a real weird situation here, Phil. Hello. How long was the relationship? How long was the relationship? We started doing like right, like in 2021, about four years. Yeah, right for the pandemic.

That's a long one. That's a real one. You got in a four-year thing. All right. So we're going to give her one more chance. Natalie, if she's not here, we're going to blow it off and just pitch to Aaron. And we're going to go from there. What's our technical situation with old Sophie?

She hasn't called that. I just texted her and told her to hang up and callbacks, but I've not heard back. So let's see. All right. So, Aaron, then we're just going to go to you a little bit and we're going to figure out. So unfortunately, it doesn't seem like we're going to be able to do this thing off because I don't know if she's coming on.

I mean, I can never record it me. I don't know. No. I kind of would, if it's not going to be kind of live. I know. Yeah. Yeah. But there's other ways to try to get these tickets for her.

So one of the things we're learning about her is maybe she's not. the most confrontational person in the world? Not at all, no. And one of the things you could say about the tickets, and this could be either a creating trouble or creating a solution, is that you'd like to bring your new girlfriend. I will say this, if my wife and I split

and we were doing 50-50 on something, and I thought we were doing a little cute cat-and-mouse game, and then she's like, get on this podcast, and I'll be like, I will. And then she's like, I want to go to the fucking game, with Roger. I'm done playing a cute little game. It's over.

Yeah. Fuck Roger, right? Yeah. All right. Well, I don't know. Okay. So basically, I don't know, like, what to do, like, how to get her to agree to anything. Because I feel like everything I put out there, she says no.

But, like, if I can find a neutral thing with, like, people. But she's bailing from these moments. I would bribe her. I know. Yeah? Yeah. Yeah. I would bribe her with something she's more interested in.

You do it. You buy her out with another activity. Okay. That's actually a really good idea. So it's like if she doesn't like football, what does she like? What are her favorite things? Does she like to go to shows? I mean, she's like very into, she has a lot of like expensive hobbies. So I guess I could like maybe get her money towards that.

Like what? I know she. Well, she loves like doing a lot of woodworking and stuff. All that stuff is expensive. I know she needs like some repairs to her car so I could like offer to pay for some of that. like, as the amount of, like, equal to the amount of the tickets? I don't know, but... You give her, like, a big log to carve, and she'll be happy.

Yeah. And logs are not expensive, so there you go. I think it's kind of bold that she said she was going to do it and then bailed the last second. I feel like that's kind of to get at me, but that's okay. I think so, too. Why do you get a ticket to see the Vikings? And I just want to say she will listen to this, so we can put her on blast.

Like, well, Sophie, we know you, it backed out. It's okay. What you could say is that we've decided in your favor unless she... Wait, I got an idea. Let's do the same off. Okay. This is for one entrant. So really quick question, Aaron.

Who owns the tickets right now? Whose property are they in? That's the other thing. Technically, it's under my name. Like, I made the account. So it's technically under my name. So I'm kind of, I mean, I could just take them, but I'm not going to do that. So they're essentially your tickets. Yes?

Yeah. She believes she gets half of them. Yes. You don't want her to have half of them. You guys agreed to come on a podcast and figure it out. She has bailed on the podcast while we were about to do a sing-off of, Don't Cry for Me, Argentina. Judd, Gareth and I were going to be the judges.

The winners of that were going to get the tickets, correct? Right. If she don't show and you sing. Then I get the tickets, right? Then you get the tickets. give her half the money back. I look up the lyrics that don't cry from you, Argentina, on your phone, and let's do it. Yeah, I do not know that tongue at all.

You know what I would do right now? Can you text her? We are doing a sing-off for the tickets. Don't cry from me, Argentina. I'm going to be starting singing in a minute. You're after. If you're not there, we're going to have to just move on, and the tickets are going to be mine, and I'll reimburse you. but if you come on and you beat me in the song,

fair and square, they're happy to give the tickets to you. And then you reimburse me. Oh, that's, okay. That's fair. But I will say, I don't feel against Sophie. I wish you would come on. I do too.

Part of me just wants to call her. I mean, yeah, I can give you her number if you want to call her, but, um, same. Should I call her and try to go to her Jake? Yeah. What's her, uh, what's her number, Aaron? And then just put her close to your mic, Gareth. Hear that?

Okay. No. Okay, I just, hold on, I'm texting her right now. What was the song again? I already forgot. Don't cry for me, Argentina. There we go. Don't cry for me, Argentina.

The truth is I never. I don't know that's time. I mean, you're better than I'm going to know. She didn't answer. I think Jed might get the fucking tickets. I don't want those tickets. I mean, you're better than I am. So, okay, then I automatically.

Do you like Broadway music? You know, I do. I just haven't had the opportunity to see a lot of it. But what I have seen, I saw Blue L'En Rouge, which I loved. That was my favorite. I really feel like I'm inside this breakup I know it's like Sophie really screwed us what's that I know

I'm sorry I'm sorry no it's not you moved on it just feels heavy I don't think it was a technical issue I think she could hear everything we're saying yeah I think she just me too well we've never had that technical issue I think she just had the moment

this is heavy for her so we're not against so if Sophie if you want to calling after we'll give you your two sides of this follow up if you're listening to this we'll just talk to you without aaron now we're committed to it but we did create a thing with the woman who owns the tickets so all you got to do is sing the song it doesn't have to be great it doesn't have to be the whole song it could really just be the chorus i'd recommend doing some full commitment yeah okay i sent her a text who did you want me to send a screenshot yeah sure who do i send it to Natalie

Okay And then how are you feeling You ready to let this rip Yeah I mean I honestly have no idea What it sounds like But I have the lyrics in front of me So

Gareth Yes Jake You want to get pimped into something crazy For these tickets You want to compete against her Compete against her to sing You're proxing And then when I moved to Detroit

How about the Detroit Packers? you get, we buy that one from her than the Detroit Bears we buy from her. Judd, you interested in going to any games? I mean, we're going to be you, so it's fine. Wow. Judd, you're interesting to go to one of the games?

I'm fine. So there is the world. Yeah. I mean, they're fine. I bet there are $150 tickets. I'll compete. So what if we did Aaron? Well, how about we do this, actually? Aaron versus Gareth. If Gareth wins, we give the tickets to Sophie.

I mean, I'll all agree to that. Okay. I think you're going to be okay. I'm going to lose, but it's fine. I'll agree with it. Now, this is a long song, so obviously we're... No, no, we're just doing the chorus. Okay.

You just want the chorus once? Yeah, well, Judd, you tell us what's the best... What's the best thing they should do here? You just saw the play. I think you do the last little run. There's like the last verse chorus. Mm-hmm. You know, like where it erupts.

I think that's good because I'm definitely going to venture into I'm not really sure how it goes territory and that's where i think you're going to see who's got the more creative juice for this project okay yeah i can honestly say i don't think i've ever heard this song in my life so this is going to be interesting i just remember the movie preview when madonna did it so i think i got a leg up um Aaron are you ready to start do i have to go first i don't know what it sounds like okay what part of my starting it don't right at the end there where it's don't cry for me Argentina and then the The end of your audition will be that every word is true.

Actually, Gareth, you want to go first? Damn it. Loosin it up. All right. Now, but here's the thing, Aaron, and let's make the stakes real. Yeah. Now, Judd and I are going to be the only two voting. If Gareth wins, are you going to give these tickets to Sophie?

I will accept those terms. I will. You swear to God? I will send you guys pictures of her at the games if I lose. And if you win, then I do think now, if she's not doing it, Gareth is going to try his hardest. He can sing a little bit. Or, Judd, do you have any interest in saying it?

I just know I'll win and it's unfair. Because we did. Yeah, I mean, that's putting in a advantage. I have no idea how Garrett sings, so that's more interesting. I'm going to crush it. What if Judd does it and I, if he gets it, I get the tickets? Wait, how about we do this? Judd, do you mind giving it one belt out so they can hear how it's done?

Because I don't think either of them know the song. Just the part you know and that's all they're. than copying with full commitment. Okay, ready? Yes. So, Aaron, pay attention. This is big now. This is real stakes.

I'm taking note. Okay, I'm just doing a quick lyric check here. It'll take me one second. And then you're going to hear something fantastic. Here we go. Ready? Okay. This is it.

Hold on. What a star. Don't cry for me, Argentina. The truth is I never left you all through my wild days. My bad existence, I kept my promise. Don't keep your distance. Oh. That already makes me super nervous.

I'm glad you ain't competing against. him, kid. I liked it better. I know. I would have lost. I was given up. Aaron, get your confidence up. This is for Detroit. Gareth does not know this either. This is a fucking playoff game here, kid. So we're even playing field. Yeah, and Gareth is a shooter. He's going to go for it. So, Aaron, get your confidence ready. I do think you could win. We want you to win. But if Gareth fucking takes it, we're voting for him. Gareth, take it away whatever you're ready. Don't cry for me, Argentina. The truth is I never left you

All through my wild days My mad existence I kept my promise Don't keep your distance Fucking beautiful I got emotional there Karrif That was sincere

I hit myself on that At first I thought you were going to do a goofy accent You landed the plane. Now I'm kind of regretting going second. Just give me the ticket. Holy shit. Do you want any direction from Judd before you start? This is big.

I would love some direction. I think that, you know, you're trying to connect with your countrymen. And, you know, you want to be there for them. You are beloved by your people and you love them, but you also don't. take any shit. You mistreat them. And this is your moment. It's very emotional. Wow. All right.

I'm going to try to channel everything I used to that. Okay. All right. So I just go whenever? For digital line tickets. Okay. All right. Don't cry for me, Argentina. The truth is I never left you all through

my wild days. My mad existence. I kept my promise. Don't keep your distance. Have I said too much? There's nothing more I can think of to say to you, but all you have to do is look at me to know that every word is true. That was probably totally not even the same melody, but it's fine. This is hard, Aaron. Aaron, this is not when we're going to be honest. You can be honest. It's okay. This is a little bit. Like I said.

Judd, your thoughts. Well, on one level you could say it was an incredible show of bravery because of her lack of ability to sing. Agreed. And she knew that she had never sang into her entire life. But yet she did it, and she went farther than Gareth.

I agree. To the judges, I did not know that was an option. Well, I did look at the lyrics, so I did an extra step. Just the fact that she did it show to a commitment. And I think if you were to do it based on heart, then you'd have to give it to her. That's true. He did not.

He brought the fucking heat. Thank you, Jay. He did. I'll give it to him. And I'm going to give you one more chance here because I truly have a terrible singing voice and I have no rhythm and I don't know the song. Thank you. I'm going to let you go, you versus me.

Yes. But Gareth, I really respected how you did it. Judd, I thought you were a great leader. on this. But Aaron, I will go heads up against you and I'll try my hardest. But if I beat you too, you don't deserve the tickets. So if you beat her, Sophie, who didn't call

in, jerked us around, is going to get tickets to go see the team that she doesn't really care. I mean, I knew the risk calling in, it's fair. I'll take it. But now, keep in mind, Aaron, you should be able to beat me, but I'm not handing it to you. Really? Did you hear what I just saying? I don't know. Do you want to go

first or second? Wait, I'm going again? Okay, you go first. you sure yeah you go first and then as soon as I'm done don't even take a pause just start and now Judd and Gareth

can judge it oh god okay go ready go don't cry for me Argentina the truth is

I never left you although my wild days my mad existence I kept my promise don't keep your distance have I said too much there's nothing more I can think to say to you but all you have to do

is look at me to know that every word is true wait one note real quick I felt like there was some speaking in there over singing am I allowed to speak the lyrics Aaron you're not allowed to even talk to Jake I'm so unorthodox

I'm just getting your audition I'm just saying I okay all right all right don't cry for me Argentina The truth is I never left you all through my wild days. My mad existence, I kept my promise.

Don't keep your distance. Have I said too much? There's nothing more I can think of to say to you. But all you have to do is look at me to know that every word is true. Judd, honest opinion. I think there's some upspeak. She's doing some upspeak on Avita. So she goes, my mad existence.

Like she goes, she's like, she's going the other way with it. Like, don't cry for me, I don't see, no. The truth is, I never love you. Wait, good question. As someone who's never heard this time before, were they even close to Melody or not at all. I think if you went all through my wild days, my man existence.

Yeah. Okay. I get my promise. Like, don't up speak it. Try one more time and see if that helps you. Okay. Go ahead. God.

Okay. Okay. Don't cry. It really hit the Don't cry for me like loud. Don't cry for me, Argentina. Pretend you're sitting two Lions Stadium for the tickets. You can win it with passion right now. Okay.

All right. I'm trying to visualize. All right. Don't cry for me, Argentina. The truth is I never left you all through my wild. days, my mad existence. Cut, Judd, give the note. Give the note.

All through my wild days, my man exists. So all we've got to do is the don't cry for me, Argentina. The truth is I never left you. All through my wild days, my mad exists. I kept my promise. Don't keep your distance. That's all we do.

Yeah, one thing you have me is better. So you want her to go up, Jud? All through my wild days, my mad existence. I kept my manners. and I think you can win it if you just really sang Don't cry for me, Argentina really, really loud.

Just that one line. Just loud and just stretch it. Okay. So just that one line just really bring it. I know, but then finish the less of the thing. He's saying you could win it there, but then take us home with the next lines. Because you could also lose it with those other lines.

That's true. Well, that's all. Okay. All right. It is pressure. We're not giving it to you here, I know. I don't want it to be given to me. I agree. I appreciate the pressure. You want the tickets? Well, you think a lion's game is easy when they play the bears?

No, no. Well, when we play the bears, that's very easy. Keep going. It's an easy win. All right. Well, last year, 2 and O'all. All right. Don't cry for me, Arjun. Oh, shit, my laptop, blackdowns in my mom. Don't cry for me. Not don't drive for me. Don't cry for me. too low. I say it. Yes.

Okay. Don't cry for me, Argentina. The truth is I never left you all through my wild days. My net existence. I kept my promise. Don't keep your distance. Very close. I thought that was a big improvement.

I have one idea that I think will help you, which is let's do it together. Yeah. Me and you. I'm down. Anna one. and a two and a three don't cry for me. No, no, go say with me

like Simon and Garfunkel. Ready? One, two, three. Don't cry for me. Oh, that didn't work at all that was shit. That's a good idea, though. Aaron, can you do it with Judd? It's very close.

Just on his three, you start at the same time as him, right? Okay. Gareth, you want to jump into? I don't hate that. We could have like a whole chorus. Okay, so then Judd's going to lead it. Aaron, you come in second. Gareth and I will find our way in, but you're coming in second.

Here we go. And I'm playing. So just, you know, follow my groove. One, two, three. Don't cry for me, Argentina. The truth is I never left you. You have to say the same lines as him. Don't start with it after.

Just catch up to him. It's not around. I told you guys on a constant disappointment. It should not be a surprise. Listen, Aaron, he's going to say, don't cry for me. Just say Argentina with him. Don't start with... So don't even start to Argentina.

No, no. Let's just, yeah. Just... Stay in sick with John. Here we got. One, two, three. Don't cry for me, Argentina. She's gone.

You just lost the tickets. You just lost. I'm so sorry. That was me. I think you might have to lose the ticket. I cannot believe that you have entered a competition where there's no one to compete with and you might walk away with nothing. And you happen to disappointment.

You've been a disappointment. You know, that's just my wife, you know. Aaron, we can't end with you not winning because I don't even believe she wants the tickets. I think you're the only person who actually, I think she's just being mean. She said she was coming on this call just to be mean. She says she wants them just to be mean. You have to win this. Okay, I'm trying.

I don't sing. All right, we have to get out of here, but say this. Give us one with a lot of heart. Don't cry for me, Argentina. Just that line. Yes. Okay, all right. Manifesting, okay.

Don't cry for me, Argentina. There you go. Great. You're going to the Lions game. Go get a four-by-four and put it on Sophie's lawn. do we all agree that that is good enough that was good that was a big a big change that's a big change the last one now wait two more hours we could have got her there I mean real quick I mean I'm like kind of for both local lessons like I mean this was great yeah what were you going to say gareth I just want to real quick before we drop everything I would love to hear Judd's thoughts on your rendition Jake because we kind of jumped over it we never really talked about right it was it had like uh William She Wagner's nephew kind of vibe.

I found that in the middle of it. I realized I was talking. There was, I wasn't a choice when I started. I thought, where is the don't cry for me, Argentina? And then I realized I started at a weird spot. Never got the chorus, just a bunch of lines I'd never seen before in my life. Hey, Aaron, as of now, you have one, Judd, thank you for the time. Thank you, Joe.

Aaron, if you talk to Sophie, will you have her call? because I do think we can bring her back. We have some time before the season starts. I think if I get on her enough, she'll do it. Let's do a follow-up with her and make sure she approves of this. And she will have a chance to sing if she comes on. Judd, Gareth and I are huge fans. We really appreciate the time.

Thank you. I'm a fan as well. I'm going to be here. All right. Thank you, guys. We're here to help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us. your question at helpful pod at gmail.com.

And if you want to watch video episodes of we're here to help, you can go to our Patreon at patreon.com slash here to help pod to see our entire catalog. We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grimm Productions, executive producers Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter, and Natalie Hollis, Associate producer Jesse Thurston, editing mix and master by Chris Fowler. The song by Oliver Raleigh. The cover artwork is by

James Fostike, animations by Andrew Strelecky, And if you'd like to see Gareth do stand up on the road, go to garethrenolds.com. Remember all of the advice given on we're here to help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions. All video episodes of season one are available now on Patreon, and season two video episodes will be available every Monday starting January 20th. Go to patreon.com forward slash here to help pod.