We're Here to Help - 203: Lotta Cheese in London & Selling a Lemon

Episode Date: September 1, 2025

Jake and Gareth help a London caller tell his parents about a sensitive surgery. Then, they help the office social captain throw her own goodbye party.Cast your vote and pick who Jake and Gareth will help to find a friend: https://weneedtopick.com/friendshipcasting1See caller images here: http://www.heretohelppod.com/post/episode-203Want to call in? Email your question to [e-mail]: https://patreon.com/heretohelppodMERCH: heretohelppod.comINSTAGRAM: @HereToHelpPodIf you’re enjoying the show, make sure to rate We’re Here to Help 5-Stars on Apple Podcasts.Advertise on We’re Here to Help via Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a headgum podcast. Okay, so my brother has a dog that is a older dog that's been a real pain in the ass. Like, it's just like, it's, it's so neurotic that when, like, any, when people leave, he, like, loses his mind. He chews up shit. He's got all that stuff going on. I get it. And, um, you do, of course. Yeah, that's what you do. But, uh, but so it's, and, like, even if someone's phone vibrates, like, it gives him Adjida. Like, the dog, okay, so.

So I was like, I was shooting something, and there was a huge dummy. There was like a big stuffed dummy. And I told my brother, I was like, you know, on the show, we actually had someone call in, and they had an issue with when they left their dog. And I was like, what if we, what if you took this dummy and you put some of your clothes on it? You did our pitch. I did our pitch in the real world. anybody who has ever done a pitch they heard on this show

based on with Garrett did, call in. We can have you for a follow-up. But you have to have actually done something you've heard. We'd love to hear it how it happened. Keep going, Garrett. Yes. So they took it. Why don't you start with the picture, Natalie?

I'll show you the picture first. So the picture that they did. So this is the guy they dressed them. So first of all, I'll be honest. Okay, so they started to because they put it in a, chair. They started to call him Cheramy. Sure. And then over the course of time,

Jeremy developed a bit of a drinking issue. Carrs, he was, yeah. So they were saying Cherokee was, had a bit of a drinking issue. T-Rotts, no like push-ups is a great tank. Well, and I will say he came with the beard. But but so

they, okay, so they, so this is where it started, right? And then they started to kind of build the lore of Cherokee. And, and And then they would go out, and they were like, they couldn't tell, because they also have to put the dog on, like, some anti-anxiety drugs, too. It's got stuff. So they weren't sure if it was the drugs or if it was Cherami.

But, uh, and you can see he's got some weights on the table there. So fitness is important. But then... Talking about one of the five-pounders? Yeah, there was still something. Um, and, uh, okay. And then, so this is the video. The dog started to really...

Like the other call, this dog really started to like Jeremy. Oh, my God. So you can see here, the dog, Jeremy is there in an LA Clippers sweater. With its leg on the dog. And the dog, the dog really, like, felt comforted by, you'll see here, the dog's name's Poe, my brother's name's Nick. And so the dog is, like, putting the leg on his head. Oh, that's adorable.

It feels, because it smells the guy, it feels safe. So they kept changing the wardrobe and the dog really, like they felt like the dog really started to take a shining to Cherokee. Holy shit, it works. Well, it worked for a while. The dog started humping Cherokee. The dog, I don't know what happened. They still use Jeremy in a combination with anxiety.

It didn't work as well as our pitch, but for like a couple weeks, the dog was kind of fooled into thinking. And I was like, you got to hang out with it. I said all the stuff we said, you got to make it seem like a person. What did we say, like, give it a ham sandwich or something? I think we put some treats in the pocket maybe. We did. And I think, I remember we put, like, ham on its mouth.

We might have put ham on its mouth. By the way, I should probably mention putting ham on its mouth. I forgot that part. Treats in it is a great idea. Treats in it. Well, he has to be in the crate, though. Because he just, he lose. But it was like, he would be in the crate and Jeremy would be near the crate and it would

all, like, he felt. So, Gareth, here's what you could also pitch. Okay. Put Jeremy right next to them, ham on the face, treats in the pocket. Imagine just hearing this out of context. And have your brother do a voice recording on loop. Oh, that's very good. Good boy.

Just relax, pal. That's actually great. Good job. That's great. You're doing good. That's really good. I'm just sitting here with ham on my face. That's, I really like that.

I like the recording a lot. I could have the whole family just pretend they're there and have... Agreed. I like that a lot. That's good. That might be better. What if it's the loop for three hours, though, and then he gets too used to it, and then he needs someone to talk to him constantly.

Like, that won't be good. Look, they will... Yeah, Natalie, come on, we're trying to bringing it in for a landing, and someone wants to go up back in the sky, yeah. You know what the premise of these shows is two goofballs making shit up, right? Two idiots, try real hard. I just, it's his brother. I don't want it to get worse.

it's not going to get worse nothing could get worse no it's pretty bad it's it is really bad he's like he's like doggy dementia or something but I they were all like

what are you talking about and then slowly but surely they were like I'll tell you what this dog is not destroying the crate like it did two weeks ago do let's actually take this another step have your brother do this stuff

and then let's bring your brother on and do a little follow up great yep Because this could actually be a ringing of the bell. Well, what was fucking hysterical was I was like, it just dawned on me. And then as it started to work, I was like, you know, we're idiots like you're saying.

But we really, we're in the zone. But? We're in the zone. If it works, Gareth, it works. We're really good at our level of, like, the show has really gotten, like, again, we're not, like, we're not going to get you, we're not going to get you big gains. But in our little zone here, small gains.

We really, we, I don't know what it is. It's that we spent, we've said it before, it's that we spent so long pitching to each other as idiots. And then it sort of has just evolved into our confidence, our little brains. As well as this audience, taking it. Yeah, and, and as well as the producers giving us, giving us the zone of problem. So this is now an official call out to the audience. If anybody, positive or negative, you guys know us, we don't mind if it's negative. No, we're used to.

But if anybody has tried any of the techniques, please, please let us know. And then, Gareth, I want to read you something in terms of the sweetness. Okay. Oh, I texted it to you already. Yeah, but still read it. It's pretty good. Pretty goddamn good. So somebody wrote into our show

And it's just really nice And this son of a bitch said this So I just want you guys all to know What kind of community you're a part of Yeah, you're spending a Monday with us You're driving to work You're thinking Jake's being mean Gareth is greasy

Gereth looks like he's sweating enough for three men It's going to be If Jake stood up and revealed the show shorts he was wearing, Gareth would have him. That's why Jake's not going to go to the bathroom until Gareth goes first. Jake has an apparatus under the table he urinates in because if he got up, Gareth would probably see these weird American shorts that he wears. Jake probably has two new things he's doing that he hasn't told Gareth about

because similar to the jihitsu dummy and the statues in the backyard, he knows Gareth is going to roast him, so he's really keeping things tight. Gareth, even though we're about to read something, is super enticed by that once it starts investigating pretty hard to figure out what these weird things are. Jake knows as soon as it gets revealed it's going to be six months of the show and he's not going to be able to get out of it. Gareth knows that even hearing that it's really bad. One of the things is real bad. Jake knows that Gareth finds out he's going to get really embarrassed about decisions he's made at his age.

Jake, oh, Gareth knows that these are good. If Jake knows this early they're bad, then they're bad. Jake knows there's a reason he's bringing Steve and Eric on more, and that's because those guys are weirder. Yeah, he could hold them in front. He could human shield himself. With the body of Bergen-Eerick. Of course, I'm collecting tennis machines. But I'm not going to Dick Van Dyke.

It's really true, too. Of course I have a turtle farm. Yeah, I put lotions on my face. But at least I'm not going to estate sales for guys who haven't been on TV in 45 years. Which is so funny. So we got this from our friend Michael. Just wanted to thank you guys and Ty Borell. First of all, how great was Ty Borell on our show?

We talked about that episode for days after as far as that being as good as the chemistry with a guest committee. He's just, he's also, he's so good in everything. And he was, he was great on that. I mean, it shows you, like, if someone listens to it a little bit, they get the show very quickly. He was like, oh, I get this. Yes. My wife was in labor for over 48 hours. She got right up to the finish line, nine centimeters, and just couldn't get the last.

They finally told her she had to have a. C-section. She has worked at a children's hospital ICU for the last 17 years, so she has only ever seen the bad cases. She was obviously terrified and anxious, so much so that she got sick before going in. What a nightmare for this poor lady. She asked if she could have headphones in so she wouldn't hear the medical talk and be aware of what was going on. And what she wanted to listen to is the most recent episode of We're Here to Help. She was able to tune out the conversation around her and focus on her favorite podcast. After a few minutes, we welcomed our first child, the beautiful Wyatt, Joseph.

It only felt right to thank everyone involved in making your show to help her get through it. So thank you to the entire team. That's awesome. A little boy was brought on to planet Earth, ripped from his mother's body. Not because of us. Yeah, go ahead. You keep cooking.

Well, you threw me off. No, no, go ahead. Go ahead. Because of us. Ring the back. All right, buddy. Now, we gave birth to a baby. Can I say one thing before we leave the intro?

Yeah. Was any part of you disappointed when you read the name? Yes. Because it felt like it was kind of... I thought it would be Jacob Gareth. I kind of was feeling like we were getting led to let... It's great. It's a great story.

But it kind of felt like maybe one of us would get a head nod of the name, but... I agree. Still, it's a... Man, but less so now. And while you did that, you knocked over our picture. Which I saw you put up right before, so I know it's only up for us. No, it keeps falling. As you can see.

Further... Further ado! Hey, we're heredos. Or helpers, whatever you'd like to be called. I respect that. Jake and I are doing a sort of a little bit of a different episode coming up. I know we'd mentioned it before. And what we're really looking for is just any interesting advice from a strange predicament you found yourself in.

So you found yourself in a weird spot. You ask for someone's advice. Someone was in a weird spot. They asked you for some advice and you gave it to him. And how did it play out? How did that work out? What was the outcome? Think of it like the condensed version of our show.

A problem, some advice. It played out. Where did you end up? Just that sort of thing. So if you have any interest in being on that show, email helpful pot at gmail.com. We would love to talk to you and make the subject advice, good advice. wild advice, something like that that just kind of differentiates it from some of the other emails that we get. Excited to talk to you. Thank you.

This episode of We're Here to Help is brought to you by the Great Hulu, specifically New Girl. Make it a New Girl summer on Hulu and Hulu on Disney. Guys, if you're listening to this show, you know New Girl. Well, look, it's all on Hulu right now. Hulu's looking for people to watch it. You've probably already seen the show. You've probably binged it. If you got Hulu, throw it on.

Put it on in the background. Just get that show streaming. Make the good people of Hulu happy. And make it a goddamn New Girl summer. Because there's nothing like going back to the beginning and seeing old Jess and Nick meet for the first time. Well, I remember when our characters met for the first time. It was in the pilot.

We were shooting in the actual prince in Korea town. If you come to Los Angeles, you should go to the Prince Bar. If you're actually a new girl fan, you should make a trip with your friends to Los Angeles to go to the Prince. It is a bar I used to hang out with before we started filming that show. And we shot the first season there, and then they built a replica on our set. It is just a magical place, and it'll make you feel like you are in the bar where Nick worked.

It looks exactly like that. And then while you're in that area, go to downtown and check out the outside of the loft. I don't remember the exact streets of this, but it's right in downtown L.A., and there's great food around there, too. So make it a new girl summer streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney Plus, but also come to Los Angeles and experience the, Real New Girl, live New Girl, on Hulu. And we were brought to you by Angry Orchard.

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Hello, mate. All right, lad. How you doing? All right, lad. How you doing? What's your name, please? Been bad, it's been worth a nickel and a dime. All right. What's your name, mate? Go on then. It's Freddie. Freddie, all right. You're doing that with a Y or an ID, Freddie? Yeah. What is that?

You're doing that with a Y or an IE? Freddy. Oh, it's an IE. Yeah, not like Mercury. What was that, Jake? Go on then, Jake. No, I'm Nigel. Yeah, so Freddy, Freddie your age, please?

What, you're 29? I'm 35. How many stone you walk around at? Yeah, what's your stone count, mate? How many stone? Yeah, what's stone here? I'm 16 at the moment, but I'm trying to lose a little bit. Me too.

Too many points going in me. Nichols and arms, created a 15 pen. Yeah, it's not. not their currency, mate. So I don't know what you're talking about. All right, Freddy. Let's get into it. Where are you from him, Freddie?

He's from South London, man. No, he's not. Fourth and Cathedral? No. To be fair, Jake's nailed it. I am from South East London. That's fucking hell. My God over there.

All right, Freddy. They don't know your guys. I haven't been home in a little bit. You're not from there. A nickel and a dime. I'm saying a nickel and a dime. Hey, get a monkey for me, yeah? What do you mean?

My boy, Freddy. now, yeah? Say how to the ghost for me, yeah? Say out of the ghost. Yeah, say how to the mates for me, yeah? I'll beat my flat, a nickel and a dime create 15 cents. Get yourself a monkey, yeah? Freddie, what's going on? Well, thanks for having me, guys.

Love having you already. Thank you so much. Yeah, so a little bit of context. I'll just dive into it. A little bit of context. So my wife and I are currently trying for a baby. We've been trying for about just shy of a year. That means I haven't sex,

fingers crossed, we'll see how we get on. Well, this is part of the thing. What seems to have, what's arisen during the process is that I need to get circumcised. And so my question is, and I've got some more, and I've got some more, more context to do, aren't we?

Okay. Gareth, let's hold back. Let's hold back. Okay. I can hold. No, no, you're saying me hold back.

No, me too, me too, because I want to jump in there so much, but I think you got a lot to go. So, Freddie,

give us everything. Well, so, so my initial question is how do I tell my parents that I'm getting circumcised? Now,

there's more context to talk about that situation, but I'm happy to answer any other questions first. Keep going. Just keep going. Keep going. Yeah, keep going. We'll do a press or after.

100% press conference. Okay. So, yeah, well, so like I say, so I need to get, so I need to get certified and I don't know how to go about telling my parents in the, in the sense of I would feel bad like it's a medical procedure. I'm going to have to undergo anesthetics, a medical procedure and I feel bad about not letting them know about it. but I also don't particularly want to talk to them in detail about my genitals and kind of what's going on there. And then the added wrinkle of that is that I've not told my parents that we're trying to have kids and that we're trying for kids. And so I don't want the knowledge of me getting circumcised in this circumstance to color their excitement about being.

potential first grandparents. Wow. Okay, can we, let's ask a couple things real quick. Why do you have to get circumcised to have, to get her pregnant? I don't have to, but it's just, it's a very, it's a very uncomfortable situation. Basically, and look, if this is going to be too much information, you know, you tell me. No, go for it. I've got a very tight foreskin

And I've dealt with this for most of my life And it's not been an issue Shagging with Johnny's Absolutely fine Because it kind of holds everything in place Unsheathed It's peeling it back And it's very uncomfortable for me

Give me one second Yeah There's so much going on that I love We have a photo, we have a photo I don't see that Can we Wobby Wob Please don't tell me

There's any photos And you're not going to do weird close-ups I just Go back to that picture of me Freddy I just need a minute To breathe There's so much going on And it's all great

It is great Now please Go ahead Gareth Well I get I get now what you're saying So it really is a matter of You didn't really know how much it hurt to have sex at this clip

in order to have a kid unprotected, basically. Exactly, yeah. I'd manage in the past, and it's not like it's the first time I've ever had unprotected sex or whatever, but like I don't want to go out on a national America's number one podcast and say that I've never shagged before, but...

That's also the world's number one, but keep going on there. Right. But, yeah, I... Like, I've always just managed to get by. But now it's like a, it's obviously, it's a regular thing. We're doing it all the time. It's very uncomfortable for me. And you're committed?

And I love, well, I've been to the doctor. I went to the GP. I went to the doctor and he can, and he confirmed that it's, yeah, it's very tight. And so I've got an appointment with the urologist coming up. And so it's, it's, it's only a matter of time before it happens. but it's not booked in. What's the recovery time on the circumsurgery? Do you know?

Great question. I don't know. I'd be honest, I've not really looked into it. I think it's like two to four weeks, but I'm not sure. Yeah. I imagine you're in a neurologist appointment, yeah. I imagine you're in for a world of pain. Yeah, it's not going to be great for you.

That's my, yeah. It's going to hurt me out. How often do you see your parents? semi-regular I mean probably like once every six weeks once a month maybe I mean there is the play where we don't even tell them well quick question Freddie

are you and there's your family you guys got some cockney in you not any cockney no like we like I live in South London I've lived here for 17 or years now I grew up in Kent which is like down in South part of England but I'm not particularly cocked me.

But I'll tell you why. I'm a South England boy. Yeah, because you got some of the rhyming in you, which I love so much. Oh, thank you. You're the voice I'm always pretending. You sound perfect. Well, thank you. Well, we went to international school together, so you picked it up often.

Can we just take 30 quick seconds and just talk as guys without Gareth telling me how bad it is, just for pure enjoyment. Yeah, talk about how tight is foreskin is. It would be my pleasure. How are you doing, Freddy? I'm doing pretty well, mate. Have you been down the pub recently? No, bro.

Haven't been there, kettle and hard, bottle and stopper? Yeah, dog and bone. I can't believe it. You got to get down there, mate. I've been trying, bro. How's the tight skin, yeah? I'll tell you what, mate. It's bloody tight right now.

Bees and honey, the thing's got to loosen up a bit, yeah? Apples and pears. Freddie, I just want to talk to your South London buddy here from international school. What are you reading off your phone, buddy, from international school? You keep kind of looking down like you're reading up. Audio only, Gere us. Nah, bees and honey. Uh, dog and bone, bottle and stopper, yeah.

Yeah, I've already said that. Yeah, butcher's hook. Did you go down a shop and get yourself a whistle and flute yet? Absolutely. But you've got to take that flute. You've got to take the cover off, yeah? That's what you're just trying to do. It feels all right with the jimmy on it, but you've got to take the jimmy off, you don't know what I mean?

Then you've got to get a little out of an ear of, yeah? Bees and honey, make the baby, yeah? Five plus ten equals 15 cent. No, all right. Now I'm jumping in. He's about to ask about the monkey rental again. Get a monkey. That's obviously very, very, very, it's hard to tell who was who.

Thank God for the video. Because I couldn't tell where Jake started and Freddie began. Man, I feel the same way, brother. Thank you for that, Freddie. Well, Freddie, it's a very interesting problem. I think you, I understand the impulse to tell your parents. And really your main problem is that. But also, you don't want to tell you're getting that done.

And also not tell them why, which is a big part of it. Because I think part of me wonders, if you tell them that, are they going to be like, feel kind of like they fucked up, you know what I mean? Well, because he got, you got, they gave you a bad circumcision, or they gave you a, no circumcision. Yeah, but why is this happening, Freddie? Is this, this can't be for all men? This is England.

But what does that mean? England doesn't circumcise. But so do all English men have a hard time if they don't have a condom? It's a good question. Are you particularly, you're particularly tight. No, I think, no, I think I'm, I think I'm a particular case. And, like, I don't think it's particularly rare for people to have a tight foreskin.

I'm sure that's a reason why a lot of bloke's get circumcised. But, and I know a few other. Look, I've spoken to a couple of my mates about it, and they've been in similar, and they've had situations when they were kids, and it's been a lot more thing. But to your point, Jake, I think it was what you're trying to say, is that, yes, it's a lot less prevalent in Britain

than it is in America, like culturally to get that. So I don't be here. So most of my mates are with foreskin, I would probably say. So a lot of cheese in London, yeah? All right. So, Freddie. They say the cheese is great in France. I say it's better in London.

Sorry. So, okay. Well, my first thought is, just don't even tell them. But I understand that you want to tell them. So it's really about... And to be fair, Gareth, that was part of the court. He's like, should I bother telling them at all and just like, keep it quiet

and just like undergo it and just get on with it, whatever. Yeah, I mean, it's like... I'm happy to take that on. I don't think every guy who got... Are you okay, Jake? I don't think every guy who got his dick, Pierce tells his parents. So...

I say, let's take away the part of this call of even like, we're not going to tell them. Let's just figure out how to tell mom and dad that you're getting circumcised at 35 years old. Okay. I got a couple. Okay. Let's hear. My first one is you said you have friends who have done this for similar reasons? I don't know if it's similar. Well, they, they've told me, when I've mentioned this at the pub in the past, they've gotten, oh, yeah, I got circumcised as well, but they were kids when it happened. They were, like, older kids, but they had five four skins when they were like six

or seven or whatever, and it got done then. Do you have friends with kids? Yes. Okay. My first pitch is that you have a little get-together. You have a little Sunday party. You got your cucumber sandwiches with the crust cut off. You got your sausage rolls.

You got your little pizzas that aren't very good. Let's be honest. And you have your parents there, and you have a few friends of. over, one set with kids, and you get one of your friends to talk about after a pine or two or after a wine or two, how he had to get the circumcision late because otherwise his wife couldn't, you know, this sort of the reasons you're talking about in a way that's not too medical, so it's not crazy. But we plant the seed that way, and then two weeks later, you tell them your wife and you talked about it, and you do want to have kids at some

point so you're going to get it. Hmm. I think that's probably doable. I mean, it wouldn't be true, but my lads are pretty amenable. Yeah, it's a lie, but that's fine. My lads are pretty amenable to that. I'm sure that'd be fine. I've got another pitch.

Go on. It's also a party. Like a gender reveal? You're talking to a British boy. It says, oh yeah, we're having a little shimmie. Talking to two of them. No, I'm not talking to one, and the other one thinks you can rent a monkey for 15 cents. It doesn't make any...

A monkey's money, mate. It's code. You mean a monkey's money. They don't even use cents. They use pens. Mate, you use the code so that the coppers can't hear you, brof. What coppers? What coppers are going to hear when you talk about renting a monkey and what's the problem?

Mate, the reason we created this language, we said that we could talk about what we're really doing around the coppers. And what is it? Crimes. Crimes. Now, let me tell you what. Well, let me tell you this. You want to know how you say prick, a penis, a wang, a hog in my language.

Hampton Wick. Yeah, see, he's just got a list up. He's looking down. I'm not. Yeah, you are. Tadger. Tadger. Tadjur.

How much is a monkey? How much is a monkey? Yeah. How much is a monkey? Yeah. I don't actually, I'll be honest. I don't know on the black market what a monkey costs here in the UK. No, no, no, no, mate.

A monkey is 50. A monkey's 50? Yeah, the monkey is not. Why, it's 500 quits. It's 500 quid. I couldn't pull it up that fast, Freddie. Freddie relates to that. I'm as tight as your foreskin, mate.

Freddie, why don't we do this? Gareth and I will be your mom and your dad. Great. And let's just run through one where you don't talk about the baby. You say like, you ask your dad if this happened to him. Because a lot of this stuff, the hog is passing. down, just like the nose. This is pretty good.

I got my dad's nose. Hopefully, for his sake, I don't have his Hampton Wick. But it could be, let's see what happens if you just bring it up to Mom and Pa. And it's normal, it's fine, it's casual. You're just saying, this is an issue I'm going through and I'm going to have this procedure

so that it could be, you want your mom and your dad to know and care, but there's a way to do this that's kind of easy. I think before we do that, may I just weigh in on what you're saying a little bit, which is I think you just laid it out maybe the best way possible. If it's just a one-on-one with him and his dad, and he kind of just goes, Dad, did you ever have that issue when I was a kid? Right. Like when you were trying to have me, did you, like, was that an issue? He might say no or yeah or whatever.

And then you say, because I went to the doctor and he just kind of offhandedly mentioned. it might be an issue. So I'm thinking of doing it, but I don't want mom to freak out. So I might do it, but it'll be fine. But I just wanted to tell you I was going to do it to see if you had this problem, but I don't want to tell mom.

Like, for example, if you were going to talk about if he had an issue with his feet, when cockney, you'd say plates of meat. If you were going to talk about legs, you would say scotch and eggs, yeah? No. But what are you going to say eyes? You would say mince pies.

If you were going to say arms, you would say chalked eggs. farms. Nobody calls feet a plate of meat. So if you were going to talk about a whole, yes, they do. If you're going to talk about a whole body, what you would say is, no. How's your plates of meat, yeah?

Scotching eggs, yes, on fire. Min size up here and you got your chalk farms. No. Freddie, have you ever heard a doctor talk like this about a human body or anyone? A cockney doctor, maybe. Hey, Gary, you're off your loaf. All of the ones that Jake, all of the ones that Jake just said were insane, apart from plates of meat, we do say plates of meat all the time about your feet.

crazy. They also say, but Jake was wrong 90% of the way. Scotch eggs is legs. Scotch eggs is not legs. Scotch eggs would be like balls. Look at that bird with a nice scotch eggs. That means that woman has beautiful legs. But this isn't what this is about.

This is about you talking to your parents. No, scotch eggs is when you're trying to get a Scottish woman pregnant. Yeah, you're off your life, man. So, Freddie, yeah, I had your head, I remember from before. Freddie, why don't you talk to, why don't you talk to, why don't you talk to, why don't you talk, why don't, quiet please, sir, why don't you talk to your dad, Jay? You be the dad. Oh, thank you.

But let's maybe one-on-one this a little. And what do you think of that angle? Does that workable? Yeah, I like, I like the dad angle. I think the dad angle works. I, and to be fair, I know that he's circumcised because I remember growing up as a kid. Ooh. Seeing it.

Oh, I know that he's circumcified. All right. So we can, that's. circumstances that he was doing it. So maybe that's a pretty good in. We've got a great conversation point. All right, here we go. It's just you and I in the kitchen,

and we're fixing ourselves some food off of a nice platter, all right? Sure. She's done a lovely job with the prawn cocktails. Oh, yeah, she's done really well there with the Mary Rose sauce on it, yeah, for sure. Absolutely, delicious. Dad, can I get you all right? a cup of tea? Oh yeah, all right, then go on then.

One more. It helped me for the drive back, I suppose, after this, yeah. He's got real potch, and that's fine. Yeah, so I was thinking, I've been having a few issues recently, and so, like, I went to the doctor, and I've been having... Everything all right?

Yeah, no, I'm all right, everything's fine. I've just been having a few issues with my, with the lads downstairs and um i was like i know that you're all circumcised and like how did like why was that like was that when you were a kid like why did that happen what would you mean i was just my parents got to be circumcised they were great parents oh wait i want to give you a note freddie i would start i would start with i went to the duck Not with the cup of tea. No, well, no, that's a good end for anyone in England.

But it doesn't mean anything, though. I would start with, I was talking to my doctor, and he kind of mentioned that it's going to be harder for us to have kids in the future because I'm circumcised. Because I'm not circumcised. It just makes it harder. I know you're circumcised. Did you do that to have kids?

Or, you know, and just float out there that you're thinking about. There's also a world where it starts with the idea that you and your wife had a fight last night. And the cogniz term for that would be, I had a real bono bee with the trouble and strife last night. You're reading from something that took place during the Canterbury tape. You guys, go ahead. Okay, all right. You'd call it a row.

But if you also want to say before we start. No, he doesn't. He doesn't. That you owe somebody a beer, you could just say, I owe you a pigs here. You guys go ahead. You guys go ahead. You guys go ahead. You guys. You guys.

You guys, go ahead, Freddie. hurry, start Freddy now. Look at me. I'm telling a load of porkies. All right. Freddy, go now, please. All right, all right.

I like that. You're right. Sorry, I was having a real Barney with the old trouble last night. All right. Yes, I understand what that means. Very rare terminology.

You better understand them. But yeah, I went to the, I was at the doctors recently and I was like trying to get, I was getting some stuff checked out. Sure. And my, the doctor was saying that it was like,

might be a bit tricky for me. Like, if, if, if my wife and I want to, like, have kids, like, maybe with foreskin might be, like, a bit tight, might be an issue. I might, maybe, maybe getting circumcised the way forward. Like, is, I know that you're circumcised. Like, is that, like, what happened with you? Like, what happened to you? funny you mentioned that freddie

didn't want to bring this up but when I was about your age I had an extremely tight foreskin this is so weird I think that I think that is pretty good I think what you just said is pretty good can I give I was just trying to be

the Kogny guy here but that's this is such a weird how are we getting to the good stuff Then he decided I liked the end and wanted to make the father the main character in this story. And my version of the dad goes to the window like that and goes, I was... I know. You were about to do a monologue about these types of us. By the way, I saved this.

I did your part. I jumped in and stopped myself. Listen to us, man. We're all just having a bubble bath, alas. Okay. But, like, you got to love that, you know, you got a love... We're all having a bubble bath. That means we're having a laugh, but really fast.

And then let's get into this for real, because I've done too much. It's getting a little bit boring. But you got to love the bag bean. That means you love the queen. But let's do this really fast, okay? Because here's the reality, dude. I owe you a pig's ear. That's a beer.

So let's do this, Freddy. Never happen. Look, he's having a trie. He's having a tumbo down to sink. He's had a drink. It sounds like I've had a tumbo down to sink today. Too many drinks. That's a real thing.

That's how people talk. Can you give me a dog in a bone, please? Can you give me a phone, please? I'll give you a pig here to stop talking. My dream is to be cockney because they speak in a weird color around coppers. Freddie, it's the coolest fucking thing on planet Earth. It is English, but they pretend

it's not. It's just weird rhyming. Here's what I think, Freddie. I don't think we want to start with this idea of it hurts blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, with the babies. I think you go to your dad and do a very, do a... Can I be you and you be your dad?

Okay, yeah, sure. let's just see so please do your dad as real as your dad can be and obviously i can do you perfectly no the listener has no idea who's talking to me or you so it's going to be very easy without question i said porky if i ever heard one so it's going to be really easy for them to get into the reality of this but let's just see how this goes i'm not going to do other slang terms because i'm not mature enough to do that and pitch so i apologize to the audio they're begging for more terms don't no they're Don't write that. They're overloaded.

You've started to repeat them. Pigley and Mo. No. So let's just do one quick and I'm going to try to get to just telling you, okay? Okay. What's a, how do you refer to Dad? What's your term? I can give you, everyone calls them Fluff.

Fluff? For sake. Wait, say it again? Fluff. Fluff. Flush Fluff? Fluff. Like fluffy pillow.

Fluff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fluff. I mean, this is where I was meant to be born and raised. Why? Why, Freddie, I want to get into. Why fluff? Why fluff? I can't believe we're just supposed to move on.

I know, Gareth, the whole call. Now I'm having a bubble bath. What, why fluff, Freddie? I feel like I just had a tumble down to sink. You had a drink. I remember. Why do they call it Fluff? When he was a kid, he had a big Afro

and like really frizzy, curly hair, so everyone called him Fluff growing up. And it just stuck and everyone calls him Fluff. Hold on, are you telling me a Lord of Pokes here? No, he's not. No, that is absolutely. That's his fact, brother. Wow.

Well, for fuck's sake, man. I know you're a pig's in. You don't call him. That's what everyone calls him. I mostly just call him. and dad. Well, of course, I.

All right. I went Fluff first saw your mom, did she go, she got a lovely knickers. Maybe. Yeah, of course. Is the first thing that he said when he saw his future wife, she's got nice underpants? No, probably not.

Because anyone near Fluff at that point would have called the coper they're trying to avoid. Hey, you got no Scooby. I do have a Scooby. Just do the, all right, here we go. Jake's your dad Freddie, you're you We're not having a bubble bath anymore Alright, three, two,

Pigley and go Go Oh, hey Fluff Oh hello Freddy How you do, mate Yeah, how's it? Yeah, doing all right Doing all right

Just been doing some more stuff Just doing some more stuff In the kitchen at the moment Yeah, cheers, cheers, wonderful Hey, oh, morning if I ask you a question Yeah, sure, of course anything innocent oh thanks

I appreciate you love you much yeah um so um I think I know the answer

this but is you sliced am I what sorry the hog sliced did you take your hog

to the butcher and get a sliced up or is uncut uh I'm a vegetarian so I'm not sure what you're on about

okay fair enough I'm uncircumcised yeah Yeah, I know that. Yeah, well, unless you've had something done that I don't know about. I haven't, mate, but I want to talk to your father and son, Fluff to Fluff Jr. here. I'm thinking of getting it done, yeah, because it's a little tight, yeah? But you've been... Why would you want to do that?

Honestly, Paul, because it hurts a little bit when I don't use a Jimmy, yeah? And who wants to wear a rubber when we're going to the sea? If I'm in the River Thames, I don't want to wear a rubber suit, yeah? Yeah, fair enough. Fair enough, mate. You're being very open with me. Yeah, I love you. What do you think, Paul?

You think it's a bad idea? Because you jump in the Thames without a rubber suit on? Is it too cold? Is my question? No, look. I'm not having a bubble bath. I think if it's something that you think you need to do. I mean, obviously, it's still a surgery, so be careful.

but like if it's something you think you need to do then I think well I'll support you if you need support you don't need to talk to me about it okay but I just wanted to tell you all the respect but yeah you support me you'll handle it with my I don't want to have much talk with Airbnb but yeah but I think I'm going to do it

I think it'd be better for me yeah do you want me to tell you mom or do you want to keep this between us see whatever you think he's best I don't want to exclude her yeah but hey man if you can handle a low you're a pig's here for sure that's something right

All right, well, I think I'll, uh, yeah, well, look, we'll keep it between us, but you let me know how you get on, all right? I will, yeah, I'll be fine, but the problem with it, it's going to cost me about four monkeys. All right, okay, we're good, and that's the end of that. But, Freddie, how do you think that could work? I think that's the right one. I hated the execution of it, but that's right, I think. Yeah, I think, yeah, I think just chatting with dad is probably, now let's do this, Freddie. Freddie, you go back to you.

Now, Gareth, you know how the dad sounds. Yeah. Let's hear how it goes. Freddy is Freddie. Gareth as fluff. Three, two, Piggly, and go. Oh, hi, guys. How you doing?

You're right. Oh, all right, Freddy. Yes, just having a look at some of these delicious hors d'oeuvres your wife's put out. Mm. Really knows how to make a Sunday snack station. Fantastic. You're sounding pretty, pretty sharp today, mate. I appreciate it. Look, I just, I just wanted to, I just wanted to sort of chat about...

You're right. Have you got a minute? Can we just have... Yeah, of course. Absolutely. Let me just put down the Hawaiian pizza. I do love a Hawaiian. Go on then, what's going on, son? So I've been having a few... I pick the ham off, I'm vegetarian. Oh, go on, sorry, say it again. I've been having a few issues with the downstairs, and I went to the doctor, and he was saying that he thinks it might be worth

to be getting circumcised. And I know that you were. I don't know why that was, but I wanted to talk to you about it. Well, the truth is it was always difficult for me growing up because nobody else had it done. So when I started thinking about the trauma, I'd suffer it as a child.

I thought, well, maybe we'd just leave it as everyone else does and left you, as you were. But you're thinking of having it done. Why? I think it's just, it's quite uncomfortable for me. It has been for a long time, and I've never really sort of dealt with it. But it's, as I'm getting older and as I'm sort of, as things are happening, it's just more uncomfortable as time goes on. I think it might be a good thing for me to do.

Uncomfortable when you're... Well, mostly, like, you don't want to talk about that. All right, yes. Well, look, I think if you want to have that done, have it done. You know, just up to you, it's yours. Sure. Yes. But if I, but like, would you, like, I could tell you about, it but like do you want to just kind of keep it quiet from mum or like would would you would you

be all right with that well yes it's up to you i there's nothing maybe no need to worry her unless there's something to worry about so you have it done and if there's anything to talk about i'll tell her i made the decision to not tell her on our behalf can we do this really fast freddie can you in under a minute be you and your dad because what you don't want to get into is a long one with dad this is just you're telling him what you're doing getting his quick opinion and then wrapping it up okay let's just see how that goes you're both you're both you and your dad fluff and freddie and let's see how real you can do this because you know your dad better than us so now this is where the thing gets real because i am going to ask you to record this

when you do it in real life so we can play this right after and we will see how close this actually goes Because you can just hold a voice note in your phone. He won't have a clue. Yeah, yeah, yeah, he wouldn't have a clue. He won't have a clue. I could have literally with my dad had a microphone in front of his face and he wouldn't have known. Taped on your forehead.

Yeah, I'd go like this. He's like, oh, do you holding in your hand? I'll go, not a camera. He'll go, wonderful. Let me tell you my secrets. So let's see how it will go. And then, Freddie, the fun will be. We'll get the real one and see him kind of back to back.

Okay. And this will be an indicator. If this is a winning call or just a really fun, weird one. Because I think we could also ring a bell here, babe. I do, too. All right. Let's give it a go. You got it, babe.

Hey, Dad. How you doing? Yeah, yeah, I'm good. How are you? Oh, thanks. Yeah, I'm all right. I've been having a few issues recently, and I... Doctor was saying that I could get circumcised,

and I know you'll circumcised. Like, how was that, like, how was it for you? Oh, okay, sure. Yeah, I mean, I had it done when I was a kid, so I don't really remember. But, yeah, I mean, if it's something that you think you need to get done, then, like, good luck to you. Like, have you got anything booked in?

No, no, I haven't got anything booked in yet. But I reckon, but, like, I've got a, I've got an appointment with the urologist coming up. And so the train's rolling, trains moving, moving down the track. So he's like, all right, well, if it's going and if you need any support, like I'll be happy to,

do you want me to come to an appointment? No, no, I think I'll be all right. But I'll keep you in the loop, yeah? Yeah, all right, then. Man, wonderful. Great. I think you're well down to Kermit. That felt pretty good.

Mate, it was perfect. You're well down to Kermit. road. It's perfect. Huh? Kermit means road. You're well down to Kermit. I think it's perfect. Are you Welsh now?

I lost it because I got really into how he did it. You never had it, but you certainly lost whatever you had. But, Freddie, that's a winning formula what you just did there. I think it is too. I think you do it that way. I think that's straightest route on this. Yeah, I think that's probably the cleanest route. Yeah, for sure.

Hey, brav. I love you and I'll miss you. See you back in South London. All right. Feel free to hang up, Freddie. Otherwise, it won't stop. Love you, brav. Appreciate you both. All right, hang up now, Freddy. Say how to them age from my person. I'm not asking. Hang up now, Freddie. Love you. For your own safety.

I'm you. Bye. I'm one of you. Bye. Thank God. This episode is sponsored by Kachava. There are many times where I will be out on the road. I'll think, oh, I'm going to have time to do all the things I want. I'm going to be able to pay attention to what I want to eat, what I want to put in my body. And then the next thing you know, I'm in an airport, waiting all day, calling an airline, specifically one airline mainly, and saying, hey, what did you do?

You've ruined my day. And I'm thinking, I'm not going to be able to do anything. But guess what? Then, after all that, I will get to the hotel, and I will be able to have Kachava, which I am such a huge fan of. They have tons of flavors, but now there is a strawberry flavor, which is my new addiction. It's got 85 superfoods. It's got nutrients and it's plant-based protein. There's no artificial flavors.

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Should we start and then punish Gareth? I'd start. It's 12-01. Do it. All right, all right, all right. Hey. Hello. Hi.

Hi, how are you? Doing great. Good. Can we get your name, please? Yes, I'm going to go by Steel. Celia, you're on with Jake Johnson and Nat Attack because Gareth Reynolds is late to a Zoom, Celia. Lame, how could he? To a Zoom.

What is he doing, curling that hair? He's got to deal with his wife. So Celia, we're going to start. He's going to jump on and then get mad at me for starting. but I always think it's fun and chaotic when somebody has to come in the middle. So you want to just start with us too and tell us what your issue is today.

Absolutely. Okay, so I've been working at my job for three years. I'm kind of a social facilitator at my job, so I make sure that everybody feels welcome. If we get a new person on the team, if someone leaves the team, I'll get together like a goodbye gift, get memos from everybody.

if somebody has a baby or like a big milestone, something like that. I put together like ice breakers and fun activities for the team, so it feels like a fun team. So I just got into grad school, so that means I'm leaving my job. Okay. But I'm kind of nervous that I'm not going to get celebrated because I want to make sure I have a nice ending to this chapter of my career. And I don't know, my coworkers, they're more like, I don't know,

programmer types and less social and outgoing. So I'm worried they're not going to do anything for me. Celia. So, oh, I'm so sorry, Celia, our dear friend, Gareth Reynolds just showed up, Celia. That face.

You do not look at me. One second. Hey, Gareth, were you recording the Netflix show making a band with your hair? Wait, what's going on right now? We're in a call, babe. weren't we starting at noon? Yeah, it's 1203.

Wait, what? It's 123, cutie. You can do that? I don't have 10 here. What is going? This is... So go ahead, Gareth. What's your advice to Celia?

Don't trust anyone. They're all trying to betray you. I knew he was going to be a victim. The late one does not get to lay on their back and go. Three minutes. I had to... Zaki came to my head to... Hold on.

What happened? Tell Celia. Celia, sorry for wasting your time. Gareth, why were you late? What happened? A guy? C-E-L-I-A? Celia 27, Detroit, what's going on?

What can we help you with today? We've already done this. The audience has already done it. We don't start when you're ready, Queenie. The audience and Nat Attack, we've already, you just think you run the whole world, honey-bunny. She makes sure everybody's comfortable. She's leaving, and she wants a big party, and she's afraid people aren't going to throw her a party. You like Detroit?

Where in Detroit? What's, Burb? What's going on? Not Detroit. See, he doesn't even listen. You're a real snake in the grass. Oh, the biggest. I got so excited when you were late.

I go to Natalie. She goes, hey, how's it going? I go, start, start. Start, you should have seen me. I was like a little, I was like a pig and a big done. Please, please, please start. I want to get it. I know.

I know. I'll tell you, in my head, I was like, did we start it like new? Or like 11? I was like, this is insane. Literally, Gareth, 30 seconds later, I was yelling. Start and started, start it. Let's go. Let's go.

Please, I want to get as many questions as possible. I was trying to get a pitch in first. Cecilia, will you recap to Gareth just a little bit what I missed? and then we'll get into this thing. But I think we're going to be able to help. Awesome. Yeah, you got, I mean, broad strokes. Basically, I've been working at my job for three years.

I'm kind of the instigator for anything fun or social or, like, you know, making it feel like a work family, like ice breakers and put together gifts, make sure we celebrate people's birthdays if they want to be celebrated. And I want to make sure that I have a nice end to this. since and I'm afraid nobody's going to celebrate me. It makes sense because you're the one who throws all the parties, so who's going to throw the party? Mm-hmm.

I got my first pitch. Okay, go. Okay. This is probably going to be wrong, but I think it might plant a seed with somebody of the three of us and Nat Attack, if you want to throw in, that might lead somewhere. What if you put out an anonymous suggestion box?

As if you didn't create the box to say, let's figure out the best way to say goodbye to Celia, open to suggestions. I like it. Only problem is we're virtual. Okay. And then you're virtual? Yes, I work remotely. So wait, what is this goodbye party going to look like? Like a COVID-Zoom party.

together a gift or how many people work at the company well on my team we're about eight people so we couldn't create a fake person named roy no we couldn't say that's yeah i think yeah i would have gone there to are you uh are you good friends with anyone like good friends um good friends with my boss yeah i would say i'm good friends with two of them and like close work friends with the other six. Let me ask you. Yeah. Just like how close with the boss?

Like my sister-in-law is like best friends with his wife. And so we're like in amongst kind of the same friend group. There and there it is. I wouldn't be so confident. Trust and the path shall present itself. That's the worst version of Eric saying. When the student is ready, the teacher will appear. That's your in.

Your in is to get your sister-in-law in total confidence to suggest to the boss to throw a party or ask about the party they're going to throw for you and light the fuse for the boss to be like, oh, shit, I got to do this. Yes, yes. Okay, you're so right. If you had a beard, you'd be stroking it. Jake, I might have been three minutes late, but I'm going to clock off three minutes early

if that's okay with you, Chief. This one's good to go. Let me know how it goes, Celia. Thanks. God bless. If you clicked out of Zoom, you would be my favorite person and shut off the recording.

I never came back for the rest of the day. And Natalie goes like, he's honestly signed out. His phone goes right to voicemail. So, see, I think that could work. That's a pretty straightforward way. Do you want other pitches or do you like that? That seems pretty clean. But I think there's crazier ways to get there.

For me, personally, I don't think I would want to ask my sister-in-law for help on it, involving another person takes away. You know, it's like, will you please throw me a surprise party so I can act surprised? It's like, I just wanted the surprise party. Now, it works. If you go to sister-in-law, you're getting a surprise party. But it's a little hat in hand. It's a little, can I get a cup of soup, too?

Husband does it. Yes. Husband does it sworn to secrecy. Stop it. The in-person is like one of the flakiest people ever. And so I don't even know if he would do it. I have an idea. I have an idea.

Yes. The closest person you said was the boss? Yeah. You go up, man or woman. So it's the boss. What's the boss? It's the guy. Guy.

All right, let's go with John. John. Walk up to John and go, hey, I heard rumblings about the surprise party for me for my going away. And I just want to say, I really appreciate the idea of a party. That would be fun. But I don't love surprises. So whatever you guys are doing, will you just run it by me? I love that.

And then he goes, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And he goes, yeah, well, you don't love somebody. And he goes, well, literally, because this is what I do for my job, I want to make sure everybody has a good time at the party. So I definitely don't need to plan it. But just let me know, and I'll kind of let you know what I think, if that's cool with it. And then if I still need to act like it's a surprise, I will.

And he's not going to go on and saying, who's still in the surprise party? Because everybody needs to act like they already know the plan. Yeah. So he'll go like this. Oh, yeah, definitely. And then he'll send an email around going, hey, guys, no surprise party for Celia. Let's come up with some ideas. But what do you think of that idea?

I like that. Yes, that would be, it would throw him off for sure. And it would probably get him thinking about what I want him to be thinking about. And then he'll go, oh, fuck, I got to throw this party for her. yeah and yeah that's good would you and he's not the kind of guy who would say who's who's talking about it is he um maybe i think he would be yes i think he would pretend that he knew what was going on so do i because he want to know why he's the boss yeah he's the good of that um yeah or maybe even if it wasn't necessarily a party i i would be could

me do it like you're going to do something for me like oh i heard you guys are doing something for me like oh you don't need to make it big like or i don't know what hey i heard rum go ahead gareth well what do you picture this party like is this going to be like an in-person after work drink session i don't garris she's afraid there's going to be nothing i know but is that what you're picturing in your dream your dream case scenario what is you what is yeah what is your ideal scenario. I would like, I would like a card, a little gifts, and just a heart felt goodbye. Like, thanks, you're great, you know.

So I go to the boss of a bunch. Go ahead. Order it for yourself. God, you are so weird. Order it for yourself. Do you remember what this show is? No. Order it for yourself.

And when it's there, thank everybody. Not a bad idea. Let them sort themselves out. So weird. But actually not why... You know, Celia, what do you think, actually? So I put out a message in like, hey, we're getting this is a goodbye gift for me.

No, no, no, no, no, no. You on the Zoom, you on the Zoom, you on the Zoom have flowers, a bottle of drambouy, and a $25 gift certificate to Lowe's. And you go, hey, I just want to say, I've really enjoyed working with you. I got the gift. thank you guys so much

that's really nice thank you and read the card and fuck it read the card that is probably the most sure way that what I want to happen

would happen it's a lot it's a lot it's a little different with what you're asking though yeah it's a lock yeah

so hey I want other people to like I gotta say that was pretty clear yeah you made that pretty clear hey Gareth Last weekend you took ayahuasca, yeah?

Two days ago, yeah. How's it going, brother? Good. I'm sort of reaclimating to this climate and it's going pretty good. Time is kind of not a thing and neither is a, neither is an ass. Neither is a premise or an ass. It's not my thing anymore, buddy. God, I love you, though, man.

I love your spark and your spirit. How about the hat? I love your hat. I love you. I love you, Celia. I think what we're looking for here. or Celia, Celia, is how do we get them to throw you a party? I don't think you want to buy yourself a party and throw you a little party.

Exactly. That feels like a very interesting pitch in like an alternative universe kind of thing. Yeah. That would be if you called and said, hey, I'm thinking of I'm going away. I want to throw myself a party and make people feel really weird about it. Then I'd go, Gareth has the idea for you. Weird here to help, like you said. Yeah.

Weird here to help by hosted by Steve Berg and Eric Gellstein coming from. Friday's, maybe. So back to you, the star of our show, Nat Attack. Celia, what are you thinking? So what do you think about a fake mislead? What do you think about where we're kind of starting? Chime in a little bit, get us back on track. Where are we at here?

I think the strongest pitch so far. I hate to say it is Gareth's with going through the sister-in-law somehow. Why do you hate to say it? What does that mean? Well, no, because it's just using another person. Oh, that's the one. And you relate to the call. Yeah.

But look, it's a solid pitch. The way that they just go on your side. They're the best. I don't like the antagonism. She's the best. So here's my question to you then. If you're going to go to sister-in-law, how are you going to do it? I mean, maybe I could just pitch it.

like I pitched it to you guys, like, I'm afraid that nobody's going to, like, even notice I'm leaving, and then she'll, she's really good at this. She's like me. She does gifts and she does, so, and she would, like, definitely put a bug in my boss's ear. I think, I got to pitch on how you do it. Do it. Okay. Do you go out for, like, ask her if she wants to go have, like, a couple of drinks or something like that, right? Um, you go have a couple glass of wine. You say towards the end, I got to tell you, I, I got to tell you, I, this weird part of me really wants, like, them to do something nice for me going away. I'm kind of nervous that they won't. The craziest thing I did was I called a freaking podcast, and they were like, have you tell the boss? And I was like, that's too embarrassing. She'll take the hit, and she'll go with it. That's a great way to do it because the one thing I don't like about this is it feels pandering.

It's like, I don't like you go to your sister-in-law being like, I really want this special thing. I'm afraid they want, will you help me? And she'll go like, sure, then she's going to go to your boss and say, like, you got to do something for her why. That's just embarrassing. Like, you know, it's like parents forcing all the kids to go to a birthday party.

It's like just trust some kids are going to come. You got the bounce house. You're getting cake and pizza. Someone's going to show. You don't have to call and go like, I'm just really afraid no one's going to come to Maddie's birthday party. Everybody likes Maddie. It is on.

you correct yes so if you're going to talk to you right I forgot what I was saying here I know yeah I went with the NBA analysts and decided to just talk slower while I was trying to find the how good is it when they try to look trying to find your trade of thought by stammering because he plays defense oh you know the thing Greg you're like taking that and Defense, that's going to win a game. Okay. You got to score more points.

All right. Now where you started. Okay. So now where you started. Okay. So here's where I would go with it. I would do Gareth pitch where we go to, you go to your sister-in-law and use us as an excuse. Maybe we make a quick little video to her.

Maybe we do an audio clip and you just text it to her and say, this is ridiculous. I'm ridiculous. I called in a podcast and they asked if they could send you a little audio clip. Or we asked, go ahead,

Gareth. We could make a clip where we pitch it and she goes, that's insane, I'm not doing that. And she plays that for her. And then we say,

send it to her right now. Send this to her. Put it on us. Yeah. What do you think of something like that? I would love that. Would you put,

okay, and then what, okay, great. So should we do that now, send you the audio clip and then you just text that to your sister-in-law. Yes. Okay, so why don't I start it?

I'll make it concise. You say, I actually like that. I think you should do that. And then Celia, you say, I don't know if I can ask her to do that. That feels kind of weird. Something like that. Perfect. And do you want to do it as us or other character's name?

No. Stop. They let it go. Let it go. I mean, But she loves New Girl. Oh, so she's a family. So she might like Piggly and No.

No. What? Okay, all, but. If she likes New Girl, she might really love these two doctors. They're gone. Who host a fictional. They're in Chappaquit. Okay, shall we do this?

Yeah. So you're going to just text this to your sister-in-law. Yes. All right. Or you could even do the couple. of drinks play it for there you could do that as well but either way we'll give you a concise clip where you play the good cop here's why i like text for the show but you're the boss then we could see the response because you're not going to play it on the phone and film it

and we got we got a guy out in greenland who listens to the show on a pretty regular basis i would like that person to be entertained we could have her send it to the sister-in-law to play at the drinks, and she could secretly record it the reaction afterwards. You always lean into others. I like to lean into others. I'm not going to see my sister-in-law in person before I quit my job. So there we got a text. Great.

Show wins you win. Perfect. And that person in Greenland, right on. Thanks for listening. Thank you. Much love. Much love to you. Dying for a visit.

three two one i this is what i would do i would uh talk to your sister-in-law say to her look i'm a little worried that i'm not going to get any kind of going away present prize party you would talk to the sister-in-law i would i would say i would just say look you know the boss uh i'm worried i'm not going to get anything will you nudge my boss and just have have have the boss you have her nudge the boss on your behalf, without her saying it came from you, and then the boss will do it. I don't know. That's kind of, I feel like that's embarrassing where I'm like asking for them to do something for me. I kind of think it's a little embarrassing too, Gareth. I think it's a really good idea, and you should do it. I thought you were going to co-sign it. I thought the whole thing was

You were going to say yes to it, too, Jake. What happened to you? I didn't love it. I didn't love it while we were doing it. Because I'll tell you why, Ceele. It was a job. It was hungry. It was an acting gig.

And you did a great job. You sold it so well. You went on script. I know it because I believed it so well. You were not hamming it up. You were there. And I thought, what are we sending? This is why people hate.

Pigley and Mo. This is insane. She's going to get a text and go, wait, what is this? You called a podcast because you didn't want to pander, but now you're pandering. And then I'm going to listen to the podcast and go, this is ridiculous. You're blowing up a sale. We had a sale, and you're blowing it up. I think we were selling a lemon.

So what? Let her walk off the lot. What are you talking about? If she drives it, we're good. The second she leaves the lot of terms. We're fine. The attorney's going to cause more than the 11. What are you doing?

Look, when you're right, you're right. I've never been more wrong in my life. But, you know, I think it's a bad plan. Ah, okay. I really do. I think, look, if you're embarrassed about pandering a little bit and you're embarrassed that, I think asking the sister-in-law is a cop-out. I don't think you call into our show looking for a way to do it

and then the end result is just ask the boss's friend who's a friend of yours for help. Of course you could do that. You don't have to call in a podcast to ask that. That's just called doing it. Yeah, it's true. Well, you called in because you're looking for a funky way to do it. A funky way to do it is to write an anonymous email

from a fake account that goes to everybody saying, RSVP for her going away party. It's an eight-person team. They're going to be like, who is this? What? Listen. Who's Sharon? Send an Evite from Sharon to everybody about your going away party.

And when you click the link, nothing comes up. So everybody goes like, did you get that link? And you go, what is her party? And go, who's throwing her apart? And then somebody will go, we got to do something for her. You know what I actually. Like, I don't know how Evites work necessarily. I think they're stupid.

merch. You could send an Evite and just, I think this actually is okay. I don't know how, you don't have to sign the Evite. You can just say, hey, Seeley's going away. Potwock style party. Yeah. Please bring a card. Something like that.

And just say something nice. I don't know where, I don't know where it's all going to go. Do not tell Celia. It's going to be a surprise. I would do it like that and here's why. Where do you want the party to be? She don't want a party. I mean, you could call.

Everything's remote. Everything is, yeah. So this is even easier, even easier. Surprise, Zoom, goodbye party for Celia on this date and this time. um please don't mention it to anybody just rsvp here we want to keep it really quiet we're just going to all go around and say uh something about her we appreciate uh and that's it but we don't want her to know so please please please keep it a secret and then maybe to the boss you know Larry, can you

send a card or a gift card or something like that? And yeah, that's right. And then... As a part of the e-bite. Yeah. No, I wouldn't do that. I wouldn't do that.

No, I wouldn't. I think you just need to wait and see if a gift shows up. You can't... I can't arrange for a gift. I agree with you can. And then you go, well, who is he giving that money to? I don't, I mean, I don't want money.

I would love money, but I don't want money. Okay. All right. I like it. sharing. I like the potluck. Well, let's all get her something. We can show her on Zoom,

and she'll collect it at a later date. Yeah, but no, because then you need somebody to organize the collecting of all that money, and then they're going to ask questions. Who started this? It doesn't need to be money. A little something. Just shut up on that hill of yours with ayahuasca.

She was driving off the lot, so don't get mad at me. When I go home over here, working on your deal, she was off the lot. Who do you think the long-haired guy with the beard was at the ceremony, buddy? It was me.

My God. Oh, my God. Why do you think I was wearing Rayban. Yeah, the guy who kept cramping his pants. Yeah, and I didn't even drink the potion. I know. I've gone to Taco Bell earlier.

So what do you think of that? Now, if you like the other car, I'll still sell you the Corsica. My old man used to sell, see, you want to go back and make the note? She's not getting in that car. We'll take two. We'll get you a little clip. We can give it to the sister alone. We'll be done in 30 seconds.

I'll even say, this is Jake Johnson. I played Nick Miller on New Girl, if you want. Oh, now he's sweetening in the Lemon Deal. No, she's not driving my car. What car you want to buy? You already put her in another car. She's falling in love with them. Why are you talking her out of your deal?

Let her get off the lot, Johnson. I'll tell you why, Gareth. If a customer is happy, they come back. I care. I care. I think this will be a weird story I can tell for a long time if I send an anonymous card for myself to all my coworkers. It's a great story to tell.

And I think if I work with the sister-in-law. And it's funny And I'll be like Look at this card They all signed for me I instigated it And then if they do They might do something else

On top of that Who knows And if they don't They're just weird But you've done great stuff No you're called card fishing That's what you're doing And it's fine

But it's a nice thing That's something we could kind of start here That that's not a weird thing That's a nice thing She's saying for herself I'm a words of affirmation gal I love her heart You know what it makes me think of

And I know that this is going to derail us little bit but this whole idea of self-love masturbating it's in that zone you're just masturbating with others all right celia so thanks for calling um why don't you let us know which one you'd like to use and uh and let the show know and that necessarily needs to end the episode garret it's not the episode it's the call i mean it's it's time she's in the car she's in the car she's in the car she's in the car The car started. She's got it in D. And you're talking about jacking off.

Let's just let her go, dude. I bought my other salesman did ayahuasca a couple days ago. And I was the shaman. I was the shaman and cut off jeans and ray bands. It's helping. Celia, feel good about that? Sorry about the masturbating part. Everything else feel good?

Yes, this is great. Do you think about an astro van? Sure. I got one on the lot. Got about 100,000 miles on it. If I got my guys in the shop to give two hours, which I could give it a hundred and a 50. Do you trade the...

Cut you actually inside, bud. Let's get you off the floor for a little while. Let's get you in the office for a little bit, okay? My grandmother died this morning. It's starting to show. It started to show my guy. You're a great guy. It's an hour.

Ciela, what do you think of your game plan, starting your own thing, sending it around, seeing what happens? Are you going to do this? yes i'm going to do it if i can find the right technology i'll send it to y'all and this is kind of this is on brand for me okay there we go you're happy yep gara should we be happy with this cell should we close close the deal yep you want to so i'm putting a contract in front of you you want to sign it it's also i'm signing it okay you're signing all right all right great

Get out of here, kid. Celia. You're going to be really happy. You're going to love it. You're going to love it. It's a 97 fiesta. Yeah, breaks are bad. Take care.

There's no back time. Take care. All right. It's 11, honey. It's 11, babe. You're off the lot, kid. There's a rat inside the car. It lives in there.

There's a family of rats in the tailpipe. Good luck, babe. Thank you, Celia. Thanks. All right. Take care. Bye-bye. Hey, Jesse, will you start this one?

Sure. Thanks. Hello. Hello. Welcome back. I know this voice. Welcome back to the show. This is Sweet Jesse.

I just got a new nickname. Sweet Jesse is better than Sherlock. Sorry, what can we do? do for you. Hello, lads. It's Freddie. This is a follow-up from a while I go. How are you both?

Good. How are you? Yeah, good. Yeah, not too bad. Well, Freddie, we missed you like crazy. Remind us all what the first call was. Sure. So the first call was about how do I tell my parents about getting circumcised?

Or if I tell them at all. Right. And then remind us why you wanted to get circumcised. an adult. You didn't like the cheese, huh? Didn't like the cheese. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We do, but too much cheddar. Too much cheddar. So, and then you decided enough's enough, you're going to snip it.

My wife and I are currently trying for a baby, and so in the process of that, it became apparent that I needed to get it done. Respect. First of all, how's it going with the attempts? Any good news with you and the wifie? Well, that was part of the follow-up. The very good news is that we've just found out she's pregnant.

Nice. Congratulations, King. What a win. Gareth, think the goddamn bell. So that's a bell ring. For sure. Congrats. And the, I wouldn't say the bigger news, probably the smaller news, but bigger news for us.

So what's going on with that dick, my king? And did the pitch work? Right. So the pitch you gave, after lots of pot me rhyming slang back in the fourth, we decided on basically just telling my dad, not telling, like, telling him directly, trying to have a bit of a straight up conversation with him about it. And then, and then, and then, Freddie, what was the buildup of that again? What were you, I remember we practiced. What were you going to say to your dad? Didn't you do both voices at some point?

Yeah, well, at the end of it, I ended up doing both voices. Yeah, you both had a go at being my dad's as well. But you were better. You know it? Yeah, probably. I know him. So that hurts help. And so in the end, it was, you were just going to be a straight shooter and tell him

and that in the reenactment, your dad was cool with it, right? In the reenactment, he was cool with it. And, and in the court. And in the call that we had, he was cool with it as well. So you did it? I did it, yeah. I committed. It took me a little bit of time to sort of build up to it.

But eventually I called him up a couple of weeks ago and got him on the phone and we were talking about some other stuff. And then I went, by the way, I've been sort of seeing a doctor and this is a thing that's happened. I don't want you to tell mum. Everything's fine. I don't want you to tell mum about it just yet. I just wanted you to be aware because it's a surgery. I don't want you guys to be worrying or like not to know that I'd undergone something

but this is what's happening and he was very cool about the whole thing he was very sweet he said his words back to me where he's like you might look at yourself a bit differently which I thought was a very sweet and a very sweet sort of response to it

sure so wait you said this happened a couple weeks ago that you had the talk with him Yeah, I had the consort with them a couple of weeks ago. And then in the interim, did you have the snipping? No, no, we're still, God bless the NHS. It's a fantastic thing. I don't know.

I'm never going to take, like, flag it up in any way. But I'm on waiting lists at the moment, so it's not going to be for a while yet. But your wife is pregnant, so you still are going ahead with it, even outside of needing it for the pregnancy. for sure yeah i think i think overall it's going to be a net positive it's going to be better for my life going forward it's also weird to have that conversation with your dad where you tell him you're keeping the foreskin exactly yeah you've already done it yeah you know if you have a son you guys could do it together yeah it's true what a sweet bonding moment yeah you could hold your son while he's getting his and somebody could do yours imagine the doctor uh i actually

You won't do that. You could do one of these. I know there's been a big wait for this, but I got you here. Two for the price of one. Well, I'm here. Is that cool, Doc? Well, I'm here. Hey, snip the little one and the big one.

Is that cool, sir? Snit both the little one. Yes. Both the little ones. Will you really fast just for our enjoyment? Will you do a reenactment of the call with your dad from both sides? so to the best of your ability to remember because we didn't get that recorded

so we can just kind of pretend to hear it from both sides okay yeah if you could sure okay okay um uh all right so that just one other just one other thing that I wanted to say is like oh it's not bad news is it

I was like no no it's all fine it's all blind don't mind I don't panic um yeah so I've been to the doctors recently and it turns out that, how am I going to say it, I'd just come out and say it, I need to get circumcised. And he's like, oh, okay, okay, how do you feel about that? I was like, yeah, I mean, good. I mean, the sort of doctors recommended,

and I think it's going to sort of improve my life at the end of the day. So I think it's the right way forward. He's like, okay, well, look, I'm sorry if you've been, undergoing any discomfort or anything and I hope you like let me know I was like well look don't tell mum I just wanted to let you know because

we've got I see stuff coming up and I know it's a surgery it's a medical procedure so I didn't want you guys to be like hear about it after the fact or like be worried about me or anything so don't tell mum about it and we'll work it like I'll let you know

how I get on but it's not going to be for a while anyway so I know I know you had it done. I mean, how do you well, well,

I got it when I was four. So I don't, I don't really, it's like, to be honest, it's one of my first memories. It was quite a traumatic memory for me,

really, because it wasn't very nice back then. So, but I've not known any different. So I'm doing very well. So look, if you're feeling if this is what you want to do, then I surely, like,

I won't tell your mother, and it will take it from there. What are you talking about in there? That's exactly how it went, yeah. She started, she started yelling. We should let you go, but your dad got it at four? It's crazy. He was four. Isn't the whole point what's going on over there?

I don't know. And then he didn't do it to you? Yeah. Because because they did it so late to him, it was a horrendous memory. He's like, I'm not putting Mike through that. He's like, I remember. You're not supposed to remember it. That's the whole thing.

Yeah, that's the reason why they bang out early. Culturally, this thing wouldn't exist if we were like, at nine, the boys' stricken, no. This is, wham, wah, what the? Wham, all right, it's already crying, let him cry a little harder. And he can't talk yet. Yeah, he can't tell you what's going on. Hey, my penis! I'm surprised they didn't tackle this.

look who's talking. Well, they made eight of them. We probably didn't make it to the end of the series. No, but they really should have done the, who was it? John Travolta was the voice of the baby? No, Bruce Willis voice, Travolta Dad. Yeah, so Bruce coming out gone, they probably did. And it was probably in a trailer.

Whoa, put that knife away. Oh! Coming this summer. I'm going to need that. By the way, movie trailers used to be the funniest. They were so cheesy. Movie trails when we were growing up. Cheezer than a four skin, Jake.

The French love it. Freddie, this feels like I ring the bell. You're getting rid of the cheese. You're talk to your dad. You got a baby coming. Gareth. Bell courtesy of Caddyshack. And then will you follow up with us after the procedure so we know how it went?

I'm really curious how that is as an adult. I don't know if you know this, but Garrett just got his butthole and the balls waxed. Jake, I was going to push the ass. I just listened to those couple of episodes, actually, where you were talking about it. And, yeah, it sounds like a crazy experience for a start. But also, you say, well, you're saying about, like, the shit in afterwards.

It's helped him. It has helped him. And that has sort of opened my eyes a little bit. Like, while I'm down there, I want to do the lot. It's good. Listen. Oh. Are we talking, Freddie, what we think we're talking?

You're going to wax your back? Freddie, it could be a good primer to a circumcision, get yourself used to a little bit of that, a little pain. Just clean the lot off. Hey, Freddie, if you get a wax, my guy, will you call back? Of course, of course, I will. Jake, can I? Are you just going to try and rack up as many waxes as possible?

I'm going to tell you, I'm very interested in. I'm very interested in follow-ups. where different callers just calling to say they got their butts wax and how is their bathroom experience? It's, I'll tell you, it's better. I'll probably go back for it. I know I said I wouldn't.

Really? I really think I might do that. Really? I might. I already got a woman where you have a connection. She saw me in the cannonball. She ripped it out. You really might do this.

I really might. This is crazy. Now, here's a crazy idea, Jay. Tell me if you think this is crazy. Is it crazy what you literally just said? Yes. I'm about to crazy the crazy. All right.

Should we ask Freddie to record an audio file of when he goes in for it? Yes. And will you record an audio file of when you get circumcised? That might just be a bit more anesthetic burbling, so I don't know how good that'll be. But I can record afterwards when I'm high on drugs. Are you fully out? They put you fully out for it, huh? I think they put you fully out for it, yeah.

Well, they don't do it to the babies. Yeah, no. Little guy's got a feel it. You got it four at a shot of whiskey. Freddie, if they don't put you fully out, if they don't put you fully out, do you mind? Yeah. Sure. Happily.

And Fred, what do you think about getting this buttwax in the meantime? Yeah, it could make for an interesting bit of summer. Will you record it and follow up with us and we'll just do a little talk to another man about a bare butt and how it's going for you? Sure. if I do it you'll be the first people I tell I'd hope so Hey Freddie

And if you do do it Get the front mill guy Enjoy yourself Do the whole works Get it going Also I'm going to say this To any man out there That gets a waxing

Email the show I'm not against I'm not against us I'm not against us Having men send us audio files Of their waxing Send the audio files Or if you just want to send us a voice note

about the experience. Just send it in, guys. Yeah. To the ladies, sorry. Sorry. It'd be creepy. I don't want to, yeah, it's different. We can't be.

As James Brown said, it's a man's world on this one. Yeah, I think it's... It wouldn't be nothing without the woman. Yeah. But it is a man's world here. All right, Freddie. Thanks, bud. Congratulations.

And look forward to your snipping. Thank you, lads. Appreciate you, Thank you, brother. Thank you. All right. All right. Bye.

Bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye. Hey, we're herdos. This is Sweet Jesse here to remind you to cast your vote in the friendship game. If you haven't listened to episode 202, get in there and meet the contestants. Polls are still open, and I got to tell you, it's neck and neck. We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question at helpful pod at gmail.com. And if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here To Help.

You can go to our Patreon at patreon.com slash here to help pod to see our entire catalog. We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grimm Productions, executive producers Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter, and Natalie Hollis, associate producer Jesse Thurston, editing mix and master by Chris Fowler. Theme song by Oliver Raleigh. The cover artwork is by James Fostike. Animations by Andrew Strelecki. And if you'd like to see Gareth, you stand up on the road, go to garethrethrenolds.com. Remember all of the advice given on we're here to help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.

All video episodes of season one are available now on Patreon, and season two video episodes will be available every Monday starting January 20th. Go to patreon.com forward slash here to help pod. Hi, I'm Alana Hope Levinson. And I'm Dan O'Sullivan. And this is the outfit, the new podcast from Higher Ground and Headgum. We're two journalists who are slightly obsessed with the mob and organized crime and other nefarious stuff like that. Every week, we're going to bring you a story about a mobster.

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