We're Here to Help - 208: Best Advice Vol 1: Bare Bowling It

Episode Date: September 17, 2025

For this bonus episode, the guys hear from callers about the best advice they've ever gotten. Featuring a fed-up shoe salesman, a relaxed lawyer and toilet talk for a middle-school boy.Sara, 38, Philadelphia is looking for a friend! Think you could be a good match? Submit to the Friendship Game here: https://tinyurl.com/friendforsaraWant to call in? Email your question to [e-mail]: https://patreon.com/heretohelppodMERCH: heretohelppod.comINSTAGRAM: @HereToHelpPodIf you’re enjoying the show, make sure to rate We’re Here to Help 5-Stars on Apple Podcasts.Visit gemini.google/students to learn more and sign up. Terms apply.Advertise on We’re Here to Help via Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

And we are brought to you by rocket money. Yeah. Yeah, rocket money. We are brought to you by rocket money. We are brought to you by rocket money. Well, Jake, people know what rocket money is. It's a personal finance app that if you have subscriptions, we've both talked about this before. You have subscriptions.

You're still paying and you feel beaten down when you realize you've been paying for something for eight months that you don't. use or you don't want. Yeah. So Rocket Money helps you find those and lower your bills and grow your savings. So I did Rocket Money when they started sponsoring us. And what I like about it is I have gotten word. There's a few subscriptions that I have been paying for. And it's not a lot.

It'll be like $4.99 a month. Oh, yeah. I had that. I had an $11.991. I didn't even know what they were. I had this really embarrassing moment where I thought I was on top of my finances. And then I looked and I was like, I don't even know what that. I guess it was a game on some app that I bought for somebody else on my client.

I'm like, I don't know. Maybe it was a, I don't know. But it's nice to, it's like cancel all of it. Oh, yeah. They figure it out. They make you. And you don't have to tell anyone about these subscriptions you're finding like Jake just did because that was a little embarrassing.

But either way, we love Rocket Money. Start saving today at RocketMoney.com slash help. And we're here, we're, we're back. We're back, Jake. A Wednesday and a little bit of a change up on the Wednesday. This is what we pitched, Gareth. This is what we promise. Mondays are just you and me and calls.

Wednesday is the lab. Nat, you got, you shook your head, no. I'm sorry. Was that no to us or something else? Something else. Okay. I was like, I think, yeah. I was like, I think that's right.

Yeah. She's like, no, Monday, no. I think I'm right. Wednesdays are specifically not this. Once somebody says, no, I lose confidence, but I was very confident. I was thrown. I was thrown. So Mondays are always Mondays.

Wednesdays, we're having some fun, and we're all starting to have some fun on Fridays, if people have noticed. Yep. Things are happening. It's a podcast. We can do whatever we want. Oh, I'll tell you.

The Friday, it's... Did you listen to our Friday episode, Gary? No, he's not supposed to. Yeah, no, you weren't supposed to. No, I just listened to a little just to get... I jumped around just... I wanted to hear Steve Berg. What were the text you sent me, Gareth, about some of the highlights?

Because Gareth was loving. Well, I just wanted to hear the chemistry betwixt the two. and some of the Berg stuff was... The Bergisms were shocking. He was on fire. Okay, I'll read you a couple of quotes. Just a couple quotes. The first one was,

I'm an appreciator of the skateboard. Just such a lie and such a way for him to just kind of try to relate, maybe last. Such a lie. Followed by while heavy for a midday meal. And this is said with so much confidence. It's like, serious too.

So serious. And so like, hey, trust the quarterback. Let the quarterback throw. While heavy for a midday meal, where do you stand on pizza lunches? Caller. Long car. And then finally, I think I'm going to be alternating. my cooking schedule this weekend

and cooking lasagna. Like if Garfield had a phone. There was so much food talk. That's Berg, but that's Berg. Natalie, we've talked about this, but like, when we used to do improv, if Steve Berg was standing out on stage and you walked out there to join him,

there's a 95% to 98% chance. It's going to be food. He's going to just start using tongs in a bowl and he's going to go, the spaghetti came out perfect. but I'm worried we're not going to have enough. And you're like... And then I would bring it up to him off stage.

I'd say, like, why so much food stuff, man? Like, we're not actually eating. Are you just hungry? And he would go, it always slays. Here's what it did, though. The first 40 seconds slay, because he could do the stuff where he goes, by the way, this rigatoni, ain't going to eat at filth. And then you'd be a minute in and you go, all right, now what is that?

Now I have to do this in a scene. If you're going to eat a meatball. And you're just talking about this event that Steve's excited about that is nothing to do with anything. You're like, yeah, hopefully they like it. So we are trying something. Go ahead, Natalie. What are you going to say? Well, I just have one question.

Is Steve actually a good cook? Yes. You guys. Do you really think so, Garrett? I think he is, yeah. Have you eaten his meals? Yes, I was in hard. Yes, a couple times.

And one time I was in a real tough little spot in my little entertainment journey. And Steve came over with a real big casserole that, that saved me. That's nice. What's the story on that? Well, I was very broke and I'd been, you know, I'd been borrowing money from Steve on and off for a little while. And I was eating microwavable pizzas that were $10 for $10 at Vons on a level that was

completely unhealthy. And Steve thought of me and he came over with a big casserole dish. And he didn't even, he might have texted me just like, I'm in the neighborhood. Can I swing by? And I was like, yeah, sure. And he came over and he goes, I made you a kid. cathole, keep the dish, enjoy it. And I ate it. It was delicious, and it was right on time.

What a sweet. Yeah. So, Steve. Yes. Yeah. So today we've got, we're doing a different format. We're trying something. We are trying to have people call in with the best advice that they've ever gotten. And we're going to see what happens. Yeah, a little more rapid fire style. This is a little bit off of the 200th with Patreon. We sort of got to hear from people pretty quickly. Um, so yeah, we just thought it's in the world of the show. So, so a little departure. So without further, I do, hello.

Hello. Hello? Hello? Hi. Hi. Hi. Welcome. Thanks for having me. Thank you for being here. This is a little changeup. You are actually the first. person calling in this format that we're testing out. So no pressure.

So no pressure at all. You've got Jake and I here. You got an ad attack. Sweet Jesse, he's muted, but he could jump in. Who knows, anything can happen here. Hey, what's up, everybody? Thank you, sweet Jesse. And what, we were basically asking for great advice.

So what is a great piece of advice you were given? What's your name, first of all? My name's Abby. Hi, Abby. Where are you calling from? I'm calling from the UK. UK. Hey, where about?

The Southwest, Somerset. Oh, Somerset, Lama, yeah. Jason Ford. Is it near Cathedral 4th or no? All right. So, Abby, we appreciate you. What's some great advice you were given? So it's not actually...

Me or Abby. I said Abby. So it would be crazy for that to be directed to you. Cheers. Cheers? I don't even think cheers would be like... Okay. All right, Abby, go ahead.

Sorry about that. Calm it is not a don't. How about that? You calm it. You're getting, becoming more and more inaudible because you're losing confidence in the accent more and more and that's what's happening. And I can tell because, yeah, why are you nodding? Because that's right. Yeah, we go ahead.

So it's not actually advice I was given, but advice I've given to my colleagues. Great. So I work in a shoe shop and quite often. Often we have some late stragglers who waltz in like a couple of minutes before we close. I love this setup. I know. It's one thing I love about England or even going to other countries. It's like doesn't this feel like this is like a 70s?

Like our society, we don't have shoe shops. We have like payless. And we also don't have stragglers coming out late. Sorry, a bit light, just looking to get some shoes. At a shoe shop. At a shoe shop, stragglers. What's a shoe shop? Is it a big corporate name? Or is it just like a company that sells shoes? So, yeah, it's kind of like an independent company. But we have people from all over.

Yeah, I think we send orders to all across the world. I'm so jealous. So you got a straggler in your shoe shop. A 9 p.m. shoe shopper. So we don't get paid overtime. So although we're happy to help them, we want them out there as soon as possible, basically. Sure. So you're not happy to help. help them. That's true. Also true. That's just, that was just Steve Bergism. That is, just want to get home, you know? Yes. I'm happy to help them, of course. But I got to get the hell out of here. I'll go the extra mile, but I'll tell you, what if they're there past nine o'clock? They're in the shit house. So I just wanted to kind of, you know, find a way that we

could get them out quickly because we've ended up being there an hour past close before. And like Jesus. And no overtime? No overtime, no. That pissed me out. Hour past clothes. Yeah. It can get... Shoes shopping. They're mostly elderly customers, so they just like... Respect. Love them. Love them. Shout out. So I thought... They're not listening. What would make and Gareth do, they'd probably tell them like a little white lie or something.

So, wait, Abby, to be fair, you were basically trying to think of the advice we would give you in this situation? Exactly. That is exactly what. That's cool. Hold on. Real quick, Jake. Would you have a, I mean, I know she's already done it. I hear what you're saying. Would you have a pitch on that? How to get, yeah, I would.

How to get people out. I would have another coworker from the back be yelling. Closing up, locking the doors. And then I would be the one front of house going like, it's okay. Take another. And they'd be like, literally burning the doors down in 15 seconds. everybody out and then go and go like oh sorry didn't see you i like that you know what i'd do what i would have a friend come in 15 minutes past closing trying to shop and i'd say we're closed we're

just waiting for these people to leave and then the store's closed we're not letting any new customers in because we are technically closed a third thing i would do is at nine o'clock i'd start playing loud music closing time yeah so music flip the lights on flip the lights change yep So what did you do? So when we're getting a pair of shoes for a customer to try on, we have to go on the computer to book it off from the warehouse because we basically have a big warehouse attached to our shop. So then you have to go get the shoes from the warehouse.

So I just basically told them that the warehouse computer system shuts off when we're supposed to close. So I won't be able to book any more shoes off for them. So what we've got is literally all they can try on. So it kind of ushers them out the door. a bit quicker and when they or if they get angry it's generally pointed towards

the computer system and not towards me or my colleagues. That's effective. I like that. I like that. Has it been working, Abby? The latest we've managed to get outdoors five minutes past close. It's pretty much a win,

yes. Can you do me a favor really fun with that accent? Could you say, hi, this is Pam. I'm in love with you, Jake. All right, Abby. Thanks a lot for the call. We're really happy that that worked out for you. Oh, because I can't do a game.

You're grown. I can squeeze it in. Thanks. No, you got to. Actually, Abby, the show's closing in a minute. Go ahead. Unfortunately, our computers are not going to take anymore. Hey, I'm an old man.

I want to try on a shoe. Get out. The computers aren't working. The warehouse is shot. But this is a size 10 in a five shoe. See if I could squeeze it in. This is no way it's a size 10. I'm the way to size five, honey.

Stop. After your big head came out? Stop. You ruined that shoe. No. What? No. Not your brother, baby, but your ginger ass.

You ruined the shoe. Stop. And I love the woman. Stop. But what you did to her body is disgusting. Be quiet. I agree. What do you mean you agree?

What? Your brother breast milk like a normal kid. Stop. You wouldn't stop. Jake. Two to three to four to five. It's a baby. Shut up.

Abby, we're going to let you go. So it was a pleasure. Thank you. Thank you. Can we hear the one line from Pam really fast before we go? All right, Abby. Thanks a bunch. We're going to need you to hang up.

Hey, Jake is Pam. I love you, Jake. All right, Abby, hang up the call. Hang up the goddamn phone. Bye. Bye, Abby. Thank you, Abby. Anything you want to say, Abby.

Mix feelings. Bye, Abby. Abby, hang up. We've got to let someone else sound. We've got to go, thanks. Seriously, hang up. We're closing. You know what it's like, but people are sticking around too long in your store. You're doing that to our store.

Thanks, Abby. Bye. She's gone. Thank God. Okay, breaking in another one. All right. Hello. What a great voice she had.

Hello. Howdy? Howdy. How are you? Pretty good. How you guys? Good. What's your name, please?

My name's Brian. Brian, where are you calling from? Dayton, Ohio. Dayton, Ohio, and you're leading with a howdy. That's right. I lived in Texas for 13 years. There we go. All right.

Well, Brian, what was some great advice you were given or you have given that you can share with us? Okay, well, so this is some advice that actually was inspired by the podcast. Great. So, you know, my wife and I, we've got two daughters, nine and 12. And probably like most parents, we have trouble with them doing, having the girls do their chores, especially after dinner, you know. So between dinner and bedtime, it's just sheer pandemonium, trying to get them back on track to get things done. What are the, what are the chores they have, Brian, out of curiosity? Dishes, cleaning the room, cleaning up after themselves, homework.

Jake, it sounds like you've done this before. Oh, yeah. All right. Go ahead, French. What were you a guess? What would you're a guest been, Gareth? I would have guessed dishes, but then after that, I'd be like, well, why in the room clean already?

That's what I think. Because they may mess it up. Well, it's why I don't do this. Yeah. Yeah, well, you know, in a perfect world, everything could be done, but, um, of course. You know, usually, usually things get wait, wait until the last minute. And then, like, the last 10 minutes before bedtime, there is just weeping and gnashing of teeth are, yeah, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's,

Everybody's tired, you know? So, you know, my wife and I were like, we got to fix this. So now, the next part, I had a little bit of a setup because I've been telling my wife about the podcast, but she hadn't heard it yet. So a few weeks back, we had a date night. And on the way to dinner, I played the Monopoly intervention episode with Ty Borel. And about the girl who had her friend who was. cheating you know so um and my wife she just loved it she was just she was crying it was so funny there we go so it's a good date night so far it has great date night and so um you know

cut to uh to dinner we're sitting there talking and i said this we need to talk about this chore business because it's you know stressing us out so i said what if we pretend like we're calling in to we're here to help give the problem and then pitch some ideas. I love what you did here, Brian, I love what you did here on a date night, brother. Same. Truly. Yeah.

I mean, and, you know, it was kind of like doing a bit, but also real life. That's the show. Yeah, exactly, yeah. Exactly how we handle every call. So, you know, we just have a lot of fun, just given some, you know, crazy ideas. And then what we actually finally settled on was, like, the two-minute game break. And we've been doing it ever since And it's working pretty well

So after each chore The girl You know Which everyone gets done for a chore first Gets to have two minutes Of any game or activity they want with me So like my oldest likes to play Like you've ever heard of throw throw burrito

That's a fun game Yeah So do that or And then my youngest daughter She loves to tickle And so it's like two minute tickles With dad out Just you know

all out intense game or activity for two minutes and then the timer goes off and it's like okay get back to your chores and then like they go do the next chore and they rush back to do the next activity that's great and you know we may not necessarily get done exactly on time who gives us it makes it fun and i tell you what the last 10 minutes are are enjoyable and it's actually pretty it's actually pretty sweet because these are times you know that you know never get back. So, you know, lots of good memories and a lot of fun. The only time it comes off the rails is if I'm not engaged or I'm not, you know, like if I'm trying to do something else, my own chore or whatever, then that doesn't work so well. I kind of got to be full on engaged

with them. Well, Brian, one of your chores is to pay off their chore reward. I got to say, I got to say, I not only like this a lot, but this could be a hot, take for parents. Yeah, I like it, too. You're turning it into a game. I like the, you could do whatever you want for two minutes. You just got to do it. So it becomes a rush to finish stuff.

Yeah. You've done a thing in my house, which we started doing was for taking out the garbage and doing the dishes, I put a list on the fridge and every time you do it, you mark it down. Because nobody wants to be the one who has the least. Right. Well, and we tried that kind of stuff. And I mean every family's different right But then like one of the girls doesn't like competition

So that's just that was started in tears And then And the daughters is the best Oh no it's tons of fun But you know there's a range of emotions there Oh yeah It's the whole thing But so but then

Then I have to say A couple nights ago I pulled a page. And so my oldest girl likes to do Nerf gun battles. And so I said, yeah, sure, we can do two minutes in Nerf gun battles, no problem. But then I thought, let's make it interesting. And I said, listen, when I're not doing a Nerf gun battle, if I see you not doing your chore, then you hear that Nerf gun cock, you got five seconds to get back on track.

So you're now You're now shooting them with the Nerf gun Yeah This is a big win man I like it I like it I definitely see how it's adjacent to the show And Garret

I'm going to do something on this one Will you ring the bell? Yeah Because I think it counts I think so I agree We'll take credit Was people saying

The advice is loosely Based off advice from the show but man, am I liking the turn? Well, and might I also say, if we may, what if at the end of the week you have a weak champion and they get maybe like... One girl doesn't like the competition.

Well, the whole... Okay. Thank you, Brian. Thanks for the call. It's not going to work. The whole thing's a competition. No, but it's a competition for like cuddles and tickles. They don't like to compete with each other. You got to do something that they both win.

So, like, sometimes what I'll do is I'll say, hey, if we all get done early, then we get to play a game together, the three of us. That's nice, yeah. And that works out pretty well because sometimes they fight over what game they want to play. Of course. You can't play the same game. So it's like, listen, last night you had this game tonight, you know, the other one gets it.

So it all works out. Well, it's a win for you, for us. And maybe get one of them with pizza out of Sunday. Thank you, Brian. Hey, thanks, guys. Appreciate it. This episode is still brought to you by Rocket Money. We have not jumped ship.

No, it's all Rocket Money. This is a Rocket Money episode, which is nice, because Gareth and I both use Rocket Money to save money. In the first one, I admitted that I had been overspended. I could go on and on. Give me one. Okay, here's a good one. This was probably, this one is shocking.

So this is probably And because I probably Like linked it to my bank account This one had been going on for ages I had a stand-up show The Packers were in the playoffs And so I had to drive to the show So I got this like Packers radio station

I listened to it I paid $5 the one time Just like whatever I'll sign anything And then I mean we're talking like Two years of me paying This one thing when the season's not even happening months like they must have been look at small radio like they must have been looking at their finances like this guy's keeping us aflo what what i really

think it is is i think there is a whole business of these companies that they make money on people forgetting yes i agree where you just go like that's so snaky i completely well because when you actually see some of these things like sometimes if you want to watch something once i know it you'll just do like i'll do a free week oh they'll give you a free 30 days and then if you're not on it, they start charging. Rocket money shows you all your expenses in one place, including subscriptions. You forgot about. If you see a subscription you no longer want, Rocket Money will help you cancel it. Their dashboard lays out your total financial picture, including bill, due dates, and pay dates in a way that's easy to digest. You can even

automatically create custom budgets based on your past spending. If you've got a goal you would like to save for, for example, you want to buy the Steve Berg-Hunk calendar. Rocket Money can analyze your accounts to find the best time each month to put extra money aside. I don't think it'll have to save for that calendar. Well, you might want a bunch of them, though. But no, we've been talking about maybe wrapping a van and stuff. It depends how crazy you want to go with the Steve Berg photos. I would love to wrap a van with one of those photos. I completely agree. And Rocket Money will help you do that. Rocket Money has saved five million members, a total of 500 million in canceled subscriptions, with members saving up to $740.

a year when they use all of the app's premium features. That's the kind of money if put together, we could wrap hundreds of thousands of cars in Steve Berg photos. I don't see why we would stop ourselves when things are making so much sense right now. So cancel your unwanted subscriptions and reach your financial goals faster with RocketMoney. Go to RocketMoney.com slash help today.

That's rocketmoney.com slash help. RocketMoney.com slash help. So it's different than I expected. It's nice. Yeah. I mean, I'm picking really randomly because we just gave everybody the... It's nice. But bringing one in.

Let's see what happens. Hello. Hello. How's we going? Hey, how are you? Welcome to this show. Oh, I don't. Yeah, not into this.

What's happening? Let me get this over with... What's your name, please? Ruth. Ruth, nice to meet you, Ruth. Where are you calling from? Chicago. Nice.

Have you seen the van? I have not seen the van. Damn, get out there. If anybody sees it randomly, email it. Yeah, take some pictures. What's some great advice you gave or were given, Ruth? All right. So just for reference, my sister and I were like 14 and 16 when my cousin's born.

So the story is about him. Okay. So I always thought, you know, he was so much younger. I can take him under my wing, show him the way, navigate the world. the one time before Christmas my sister was home he was in middle school so we decided to have a sleep over at my apartment we were watching a movie and he was like I need to go to the bathroom whatever fine he comes out of the bathroom waving his hand in front of his face

obviously he just took a shit comes back continue the movie I walk by and I see in the bathroom that the seat is up so I go back and I'm like Carlos why is the seat up if he just took a shit. And he was like, oh, that's just what guys do

when they go to the bathroom. And I was just like, um, no, you lift it when you pee, but not when you poop. And like, my husband was there.

And he was like, uh, yeah, Carlos, guys definitely don't do that. Like, you've been bare bowling it this whole time. Bear bowling.

By the way, you want to hear something crazy. There will be at least, oh my God, you have not done this. Yes. No, I haven't.

But there will be one listener on this call right now who bear bowls. And the first time they're going to go, what? Well, I'm happy I can help them. Bear bull, the idea that you think that the up is for men at all times and the down is always for women. Yeah, well, men, we're not supposed to have comfort. But you know that feeling sometimes like in the middle of the night every now and then where you're like, oh, I don't feel good. You go there. And you just basically like butt your napool.

And you're like, oh, no. Like, that's happened once in your life where you're like, well, what's part of it? Yeah, so he's so skinny. So I was like, how do you, how do you not fall in? Great. He said he, like, holds the sides of the stall or, like, the manatee. Oh, my God. How old was his kid?

He was, like, 12. Which is cool. 12 years of his life, he bareballed. Public restaurant. Well, you know, maybe, like, nine, nine years, nine years. That's true. Oh. Um, so then he told us like, okay, well, it makes sense because it's always so cold when I go to the bathroom.

So he would tell us how he tries to like sit on his pants because it's so cold. Wait, wait. Wait, hold on, hold on, hold on. I missed that. Say that again. Every, everyone missed that. Like, he would try to sit on his pants enough so his butt is out. So he kind of, legs were not cold.

Oh, Jesus Christ. And he never thought to put the seat down. This is where COVID came from, probably. I'm like, how many fluids have you been sitting in? Like, good thing I guess you try to sit on your pants. Not only sitting in, I don't agree. The pants part, that's even further spreading of whatever he's picking up there. But also, why doesn't, I mean, you're cold.

Try this. Who cares that it's for girls? The idea that the, yeah, I mean, honestly. Right. Well, by the way, this is girls only. I'm like, he's going into men's rooms to do this. Is he like, why are they putting lady seats in the men's room? Why they got this?

I mean, maybe they were up, like, in school because guys don't want to go at the urinals when they're little. I have no idea. Well, that's crazy. Ruth, that's a why. And then so now he's fine. Now he's come to term. He's a grown up now. Well, wait.

Uh-oh. So after, like the day after, my sister and I were, like, debriefing, like, how. does he know this? Like someone taught him how to shit, right? So it's like, oh my God, does our uncle do this? Does our aunt do this? And we don't even know. Great follow.

But then we didn't want to think like too much into it. Because like you know how your kid goes to the bathroom, right? Yes. This is a great follow up. Oh, God. Who else does this? Which like I don't actually want to know. You never followed up.

Hold on. You have to know. No, no. We did not ask. I would rather not. Really? There could be a 45-year-old man who bear balls it because he doesn't know any better. That man's your uncle.

Yes, there definitely could be. It could be. This could help him. You imagine the 45-year-old old man's ass like Gareth sitting on cold porcelain? Stop. Well, Garrette. Stop. That old man's smell he's got.

Stop. The smell thing that you're cooking with is real wild, by the way. The idea that you think you've got a weird old man smell. It's crazy. I know, but you don't think you do because... Then how can you smell it? You don't smell it. Old men don't smell other old men.

We think we smell fine. It's young people go by and go like, Jesus, it smells like a lot of breadfruit or all those guys. No, I know the goodwill smell. You know what I'm saying. Ruth, is there a world? It shows up one day. It's just there. And then the guy goes like this, what are you talking about?

It's not me. No, it shows your breath and your armpits in your chest. Hey, first of all, we know who you're talking about when you do that little impression, okay? It's pretty obvious. I'll sit here in silence as long as you want I'll die in silence This isn't about our old man smell It's about a little boy

You're doing the thing where you're saying It's not about something you just made it about You made it about that Ruth Listen isn't about the old man's It's not about us fighting Ruth is there a world We call the uncle

And we find out if the child was taught this I don't know if I could handle that Oh, my God. I don't think it would be good. I don't think he would find comedy in this. That's sometimes what the best comedy is. Knowing who it is, I definitely don't think it would be funny. Do you think, Ruth, can you try to find out and follow up with us?

I'm very curious. It would be lovely to have closure. Can you give her some really quick advice on how she should approach this? Sure. Yeah, like, how do I go about investigating this? All right. What about this? Pigley and Mo.

No. they're dead no no that would not work that would not work on him you don't agree by the way there I swear to you two things that have happened on the road that are shocking

are the amount of people who do say they miss Bigley and Mo and how many things of Parmesan I will sign after shows I'm on the toilet oh my God oh my God that is actually it

Ruth Ruth Parmesan on the toilet bowl Ruth Ruth Because then you're going to take a dump. You're like, I'll just put the seat down. And then you go, it's way warmer.

Ruth, I genuinely think you just, you hit something pretty great here. I really, if, listen, let me walk you through why your pitch works. The seat, if he's, if anyone's sitting on that parse. Gross. It's not for sitting. It's not for sitting. You could also put honey on it. Honey, the toilet.

I thought that's too obvious. Parmesan the toilet. By the way, if honest to God, if I was a bear bowler and I lifted up the seat and I saw Parmesan cheese on it, I'd go like, I'm doing something insane. I'm putting the seat down. If you're going to get wind of it through the family, you know, like, if someone sits on a Parmesan seat, there's going to be a follow. Why was there cheese on your toilet?

So here's what I recommend, Ruth. You go to his house, your Parmesan on it, and then you take the secret to your grave. I mean, I'm definitely taking into my grave. Is this possible, Ruth? And can you take a photo of the Parmesan toilet? Please, Ruth. I guess it's somewhat possible. Is it going to happen?

I might try to think of something else. Okay. You pitched it. I feel like that's a better way to find it out. Like, I could just go through my cousin. Yeah, you could. But, I mean, again, we all fell in love with a toilet getting parmesan. I agree.

You're right. There's other ways. You're right. I just ask an easy question. Ruth, we look forward to no closure. on this. We've got the vibe. We've got the energy. I want to give you some closure. Then Parmish on the goddamn toilet.

Okay, no. About my cousin. So last month he moved to college and we talked about it before he left because I just told him how proud I am of myself that I was able to teach him how to do this. You don't know how to shit when you go to college. They're not going to teach you that. And you're

sharing a bathroom with all kinds of people and they are just going to make fun of your ass. Agreed. So this is a big win. We appreciate I appreciate the call this one. This is my victory. Good call. Way to go, Ruth.

Parmesan on that toilet. Take a picture. Let us know how it goes. Thanks a bunch. Take care. All right. Thanks. Bye.

Bye. Bye. All right. All right. You guys want one more? Yeah. Fuck yeah. Hello.

Hello. Hello, friend. Who are you, please? This is Tim from Nova Scotia. Tim from Nova Scotia. Thank you for calling in. Tim, What's some great advice you've given or been given?

Well, the best advice, or at least the most meaningful advice in my life. Well, when I was an undergrad, I really wanted to be a lawyer. And so I took the LSAT once and just did terribly. Sure. Titanically bad. And so when I was getting ready to write it again, one of my friends who used to be I knew him from improv

he was my improv teacher had gone into law and he was giving me some advice and he said Tim if you really want to do this you have to masturbate I didn't expect that from an improv teacher Yep Tim

I was thinking yes and Yep I got to tell you Tim this one is a real shock Tim huge turn so what and so I said are you pulling my leg

and he said no trust me doctors lawyers do it it's great for stress you have to master but when did he mean before taking yeah before taking the LSAT test

okay as if you were too nervous that's why you did bad rub one off go take the test exactly and are we talking to a lawyer right now

brother? No, we're not. I'm in jail. So what happened? Long story. Long story short. I did as I was instructed, and I've been a practicing lawyer for almost 10 years. That a boy.

Well, Tim, we're not going to give you a plug because I don't think it'd be good for business. Nope. The masturbating lawyer. I'll get you off after I get off. Tim, thank you for the call. Keep practicing law and masturbating, my guy. A big wink through the camera. Thank you.

Phone. Bye-bye. Let's do one more. Yeah. Real quick. All right. Hello. Hello.

Hello. What's your name, please? Kelly. Kelly. All right, Kelly. As we play around with this new format, will you tell us the predicament you found yourself in or someone else found themselves in? And before you tell us the advice. that was given or you were given,

we're going to pitch on what we would do and then hear what happened. I got to say, Gareth, 10 out of 10 there. Sure. I think it just found the format. Well, I'm not sure how to quite make it. So this is what happened. Okay, go ahead.

About 1990. Okay. So we're going back. I was in high school. Chose Gareth. Boy came over. So was Jake. I know I'm sniffing 50, just like you guys.

Yeah, we are. Or you, Jake. So this boy comes over and ends up spilling pop in my brand new boombox and ruined it. Pop for those who were not from the Midwest. So go ahead. Pop and pop. Right. He's just sprayed.

It's a gray picture. He spelled. You don't need to tell us it to was the 90s when someone spilled pop in your boombox by the buy. Exactly. Well, you'll wait until you hear the advice. Okay. So then my mom gave me advice on. how to on certain boys on how to not trust certain boys.

Well, are you guys going to pitch? Wait, hold on, but I lost, I missed something in translation. I agree. I'm going to explain without telling you the advice. Okay, so hold on. So a boy spilled pop on your jukebox and your mom gave you advice how to not trust certain boys. I wouldn't even know what I'm pitching.

A red flag, you mean? I know. That's, okay. I would say the format is right, but this. call is unique. Take it away. I agree. Sorry, guys. That's okay. That's a good. That's a good call.

So should I give you the advice? Yes. So her advice was to not trust boys that don't wear socks as this was right around the Miami Vice era. Hmm. And I live by that to this day. Hmm. I got to say, I think that's interesting. I do too.

Right. Don't trust men that don't wear socks. I actually think it's really good advice because, honestly, it's this, it comes down to decision-making. I in my life have not worn socks with shoes and never, and always been like, what am I doing? Yeah, I've definitely gone through phases where I don't wear socks with shoes. Ugh. The. Like boat shoes? Like the Miami Vice. No, I mean, I got a, I got a kind of a Miami Vice pair of shoes these days.

Yeah. Now, Kelly, are you? Are you married? I am married, yes. And the person you're married to always wears socks and their shoes? Always wears, yes. I got to say, I think this is pretty solid. It's one of those weird.

So I think there's something great about people passing on generational advice, especially when it comes to, like, medicines. I like the garlic behind your ear kind of routines. You know. No, what do you got that old man's smell? What are you doing? Just shit together. Well, my mom passed away a year.

after that. So, like, I think it's so cool to, like, share her advice and pass that on. That is a good legacy. For sure. So. And I'll tell you, if you guys watch, like, anything, like, I don't know, these blind, blind love or whatever those shows are on, like, Netflix and stuff, all these guys are dressing like that again.

I guess what? Don't trust any of them. They're there just for attention. And look at society now. So I'll go those little cubes in there, a bunch of fucking weirdos. But I will tell you what's really fun about those shows on Netflix is watching that. them on Instagram a year later. Why?

There's a guy. There was a couple who went on, and I'm sure I teased you on this guy, Gareth, but it was some geeky guy. Here we go. Then after, if not that, you're not a geeky guy. But after he gets on the show,

I think he thought he was like a model and he started changing his whole hair. I think his name was like Garrett or something. He had long hair. It was me. Well, all of a sudden, he had like this. I'm going to find clips and send it. but they're all talking about this guy's glow up

and I'm like, it looks insane. He fully, and so he, you know what I'm talking about. It was like, he's a nice looking guy. He married some woman. She was like, they're both like doctors or so, not doctors, but like they're both really smart. They did something. And then all of a sudden this dude's now like a model.

And it's comedy. Who's he? Does he have a rep? I don't know if he has a representation. Why you want to work with him? you fucking weirdo. I'm just saying. That's the weirdest question

you could have asked. Come on. Do you want his reps? Oh, man. Did you find him? Yeah. Show the photo. I want to make sure it's the same guy.

It is 100%. And then do the before and after. All right. Here, I'll give you the before. Yes, this is the guy. So this is how we left on the show. By the way, handsome guy. Yeah.

You know, just a regular looking dude. I think he does something with science. is she. They were a little geeky, but like a great match. And you'd be like, oh, they're going to work. The guy gets on TV on a Netflix show. And now this is the way he looks. This is going to suck.

How do you describe that, Jake? I mean, I don't know, man. It's, you know I describe that as a man who doesn't wear socks. He probably doesn't. No way. He used to wear socks. Now he doesn't. Oh, fuck.

Listen, we thank you for the call. Thanks, Kelly. You're 100% right. Yep. What a legacy your mother has. Love you. Thank you. Bye.

Bye. Let's do one more. Yeah. All right. Hello. Hey, what the hell was that all about? Pardon? Why was your, did you throw your phone down some stairs and then pick it up again?

What just happened? No, I had it charging, and I took the charger out. I'll tell you, the, you have a sprinter's pace when it comes to getting your phone off of whatever it was charging on. I mean, that was, that's like, that was quite a pickup. Sorry for the noise on the other end. No, it's interesting. What's your name, please? Michaela.

All right, Michaela. So here's what we're going to ask if you hear Michaela. Set up the situation, and before you get into the advice that was given or gotten, give us a second to try to solve it in our own way first and then we'll reveal what actually happened. How's that? Oh, fascinating. Okay. Okay. Thank you for liking the format. Yeah, no, this is great. This is great.

So walk us through the problem. What was the predicament? Yes. Okay. So this was about five years ago. I had just bought my very first home out in the country. And Michael's neighbors are about a quarter. a mile away or so, and I'd only moved in the week before, so I hadn't met any of them yet. Okay. I'm out pulling weeds in the pasture when my dog trots up with something large in his mouth, which was a bit surprising because he'd never caught anything before, but third, it was just a rabbit or something and went back to weeding, but then he got closer, and I heard very distinct,

not rabbit noises coming from his mouth. Tell the rabbit. And then he, yeah, yeah, then he deposits what is unmistly. takeably ate chicken right in my lap. And she's covered in plobber and missing half the feathers on one side. And my dog is panicking, looking at me like, hey, didn't expect to catch this. Now I don't know what to do. And this poor chicken, she's looking at me like, didn't expect to be caught and where are my feathers?

So naturally, I. Probably. And then the chickens look at me going like, hey, in other words, how are you feeling about everything that happened last Thursday? And then the dog's looking at me like, last Thursday, back off. And then the cat goes, you want to talk about Thursday? talk about this weekend and then the constable walked out and said what's going on here then and so then what happened so the chickens looking at you like what the hell the dog's looking to you like i'm out of luck here you're looking in the mirror like how did i get myself into this

you've read farm books right i mean all the all the animals absolutely okay so naturally i i joined them in the panicking because i i realize pretty quickly that my dog has perversed the cornfields kidnapped one of my new neighbor's chickens terrorize this poor thing and return to me with his ill-gotten games. So that is where I'll stop because the advice comes next.

Ooh. This is hard. The chicken is alive. The chicken is alive, yes. But I don't think we can really pitch on this. I know what I'd do. What? I know what I would pitch.

If I, like, she called me right then, this is what I would say. I would say, go put the dog in your house, get the dog out of there, walk back over with the chicken and say you found it, think something attacked. it, you don't know what it was.

Feel them out, see how they are, get to know them a little bit. Then after a bottle of wine or two, say, I got to tell you, it was my dog that did it. I'll tell you what my pet should be. What? Eat the chicken. Okay, go ahead. Michaela, what did you do? So I called my dad.

Because he's a sort of guy, you go to for advice when your dog feels for your neighbor's chicken. And I asked him, I'm like, you know, what do I do? My dog just ate my neighbor's chicken. and he said it's okay you know calm deep breaths this sort of thing happens out in the country it's normal your neighbors will understand

and of course I'm panicking and hyperventilating and sobbing at this point he asked the same thing you guys did which is is the chicken still alive and I told them the same thing yes she's alive but she looks like she fought beside you in Vietnam and dad's like okay so what you do

is you know hop on your four-wheeler drive to their house bring the chicken with you apologize and offer to pay them for the price of the hen. And I'm dreading, having to do that, right? I mean, honestly, yours sound better where I just kind of pretend it's another animal that did it. But I know he's right. That's the right thing to do. So I'm like, you know, thanks, dad.

I'll do that. But then there was a long pause on his side of the phone. And then he adds, and honey, if on your way up to their house, you see chickens lying everywhere and their entire flock has been massacres, you turn that forward. round, have that chicken for supper, and put your house up for sale tomorrow morning and warn the people that buy it about the coyotes in the neighborhood. That's pretty good. Blaming that coyotes is good.

Yeah. So what did you end up doing? What happened? So I did the right thing. I went up to him and I explained, you know, I'm so, so sorry. You haven't met me yet. I'm your new neighbor. My dog, my dog did this to your chicken and offered to pay.

And they wouldn't hear of it. They were so kind about it. And this is where it kind of felt like I was living in a sitcom. because they said, you know, we have so many extra eggs. Would you guys like any for your house? I know. And we've been getting free eggs from them for the last five years. Oh, it's been great.

But, yeah, yeah. But a horrible, horrible start with that relationship. Yeah, pretty good dad advice, though. We appreciate the call. Thank you, Michaela. Yeah, of course. Thank you. Appreciate it.

Well, there we go, Jake. some people who had some good advice. We talked about a way to maybe tweak this idea a little bit going forward. Just to try it. And let's do something a little bit different. We got a few of them that felt like this and it was fun.

Email in if you have listened to the show, you had a problem, and rather than call in, you did what you kind of think the world of the show would have done. Or you took advice that we'd given someone else with a similar problem.

And how it was. Similar to like when you did the, when your brother did the dog in the hand. Yes, when I gave my brother a dummy to calm his dog down. So if you have anything that was inspired by the show when you did or you took some advice and tried it, let's see how those work. Let's try another one of these. And it could have worked or it could not have worked. Either way is fine. Just give us warts and all what happened. Let's see what happens.

Thank you. Bye. Hey guys, this is Farwa calling from Orlando, Florida, huge fan of the pod. I recently heard about the nominations for Best Episode, and I simply had to send in a voice note and nominate the twin circumcision episode with Max Greenfield. That was probably the funniest episode of anything I've ever heard in my life. I was laughing so hard that I could barely see because of the tears in my eyes. I think that it was hilarious and Max's delivery was perfect so I'd love to nominate that

episode. Thanks guys. Hi, it's Sophie. I'm speaking to you from York, England, and I wanted to nominate the obvious winner, your best original caller of all time. Your best follow-up caller, he's inspired teachers, students, parents, all over the world. He's the greatest, the loveliest. It's hot takes with Mr. H. Woo! We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show,

please email us your question at HelpfulPod at gmail.com. And if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here To Help, you can go to our Patreon at patreon.com slash here to help pod to see our entire catalog. We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grimm Productions, executive producers Rob Hollis,

Jeff Porter and Natalie Hollis, Associate producer Jesse Thurston, editing mix and master by Chris Fowler. The theme song by Oliver Raleigh. The cover artwork is by James Fostike, animations by Andrew Strelecki. And if you'd like to see Gareth, who stand up on the road, go to garethrenolds.com.

Remember all of the advice, given on we're here to help, is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions. And once again, we were brought to you by Rocket Money. And we want to thank Rocket Money for helping push to do this new type of episode

and to have one sponsor as opposed to a lot. So everybody go out there and use Rocket Money. Gareth and I both do. When this idea came up, we said yes to Rocket Money because we both wanted something we use. And we think that'll help listeners. So Rocket Money, like we said, is a personal finance app that helps you find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings.

Start saving today at Rocket Money. dot com slash help