We're Here to Help - 21: Getting to the Bottom of It

Episode Date: October 26, 2023

Jake and Gareth talk to callers about a revealing coworker and a follow up from episode 6 (“Winning the Prom Dance with Zooey Deschanel”).  Check out our new sweatshirts, tote bags and hats at heretohelppod.com! Want to call in? Email your question to [e-mail]. If you’re enjoying the show, make sure to rate We’re Here to Help 5-Stars on Apple Podcasts. Follow the show on Instagram @HereToHelpPod and TikTok also at @HereToHelpPod See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

all right okay here we go all right let... Okay, because you insist we play the intro. This is what you're doing. Now, you just insisted that Kevin play the intro for the show. Live. Live. Which every time you've done it before that, there's been something in there like, you're listening to We're Here to Help with Fat Ginger Baby

or whatever the hell you want to call me. And this time you insisted on having a plate. And there's nothing. And the reason you did that, Jake, is because you're just setting it up so that the next time when you sneak one in that has one of those things in it, I'll be thrown a little bit. I know exactly what you're laying the foundation can i say something gareth yeah jump in but it's your show too welcome to weird help go ahead jake i love you

man love you too buddy you're a good friend you've been a good friend for a long time you're a little paranoid you're a great guy you're a great guy and i'm happy doing this with you we got a great episode today great episode today um yeah solving problems Uh, we have a very unique issue, uh, at a vet's office. Really fun. And then we got a follow-up. And then we got a follow-up, uh, which we do plan on doing maybe a follow-up follow-up, but this is, this is the follow-up to the first call. And, uh, and that first episode, if you want context was episode, what'd you say it was? It was episode six. It was Zoe Dashanel's episode where she came in and crushed it, but it's the second call on that. So we

recommend if you want, uh, listen to episode six first or not, you can catch up pretty quickly on this, but we've got, uh, the husband calls it. Yeah. The other, the other side, I mean, I got to solve that side. And, um actually, before we even start, I know we want to get to the show, but there is a thing, Jake, that I was wondering, and I could sort of explain what's going on after you do this, but Kevin, can you give Jake a copy? Jake, can you read this? Just kind of treat it like a voiceover. You know, I've only begun this year to read emails because emails are, they scare me. It says CC and there are a thousand names. Who are these people? You know what I mean? I'm saying, wait a minute. Is this a personal email? What does that mean?

Okay, great. The reason why is because there was a clip that went viral this week of amazing director Martin Scorsese. He said that. And people found a lot of similarity between his read of that and you. Is this real? Yeah, Jake. So, Kevin, will you play the clip of, this is Scorsese saying it, and people thought this sounded like a Jake. You know, I've only begun this year to read emails.

Because emails are, they scare me. It says CC, and there are a thousand names. Who are these people? You know what I mean? I'm saying, wait a minute. This is like, is this a personal email? What does that mean? So a lot of people thought that sounded like you.

He's the best. The person said, this is spoken with the same intonation and cadence as everything Jake Johnson's character says on New Girl. That is so good. By the way, he's right. It's so good. We just, real quick, we should also say,

please continue to share, like, review the show. Really helps us. And thanks to everyone who's buying the merch. Yeah, we've got merch. And you know the website. You know the website, Jake. Kevin, what's the website?

HereToHelpPod.com. What is a website? Where do these people go on websites? I should say, I'm going to be in Australia on tour. There's not a lot of tickets left. You can go to GarethReynolds.com. I thought you said there were tons of tickets left. No, there's not.

We're running out. And then Jake has a new movie out called Killers of the Flower Moon. So go check that out, too. But until then, enjoy this fantastic episode of the best podcast in the world. We try to help. You have Jake, you have Gareth, and we have a guest who may jump in, may not, but she's a reporter for The New York Times named Melina Delkic. But let's start with you. What is your name? What is your age?

And you are more than welcome to use a fake name. Oh, sure. We're going to go with my name is Kathleen. I'm 44, and I'm calling hopefully with a problem that you guys can help me with. We have the same goal. Yeah. All right. So basically, I'm a veterinarian.

I work in the Northeast, I will say Northeast U.S., and I just recently bought this practice. I've been working here as an associate for a few years now. The staff is really good. All the staff came with me, so everybody's happy with the transition. But we have some things we're trying to fix now that I'm in charge. And one of them being that we've got this assistant that is an older woman. She's from Germany. She has a harsh demeanor. and she's definitely a good worker and a great um team member but we have a little problem where literally every time she bends over we see like her whole ass so it's pretty much it's pretty much i didn't see that end whoa i didn't see

kathleen i thought we were going for she's too harsh on the younger generation. Yeah. I thought we were going for she scares the animals. I did not expect to see the old assistant's ass in this call. Yeah. Amazing. It's like, oh, my God. It's like, how do you not feel that? Like, oh, my God. So it's a big problem.

She's wearing a very short skirt. Pause. Hold on. Pause. I'm sorry,athleen just because i know gareth don't turn this into a fucking creep fest you pervert it's not a creep fest i'm being the vet i'm being the vet here no i'm being this is gareth i'm trying to get to the bottom of this you're trying to get she's masturbating no no no i am not no this is about the bottom and we're trying to get away from the bottom but kathleen how wait what did you say she is wearing so she's wearing like we're all wearing scrubs you know we're you know we're a vet hospital so we're wearing let me ask gary's next question yeah does she have stockings on what is her hair in uh pigtails or ponytail or

how how are you there wait i but are you not logistically confused? No. No. And I'll tell you why I'm not logistically confused. Kathleen, I know you're not. You don't need to jump in with me. I'll tell you why I'm not confused. This is real talk.

If I reached over and touched my toes, the top of my ass is hanging out. Oh, you mean bottom. Okay, sorry. I'm thinking. No, no, no, no, no. I'm thinking we're seven-year itching under there. No, no. Okay.

This is the top. She's just showing. It's what we used to call a plumber's crack. Yeah. It's basically the whole crack. We also part plumber's rights. Yes, okay. And you're seeing whole crack.

But it's not just a little bit. It's a whole crack. She's revealing the whole story. She's showing a lot of ass. Yes. I was telling my husband, I was like, this is not happening. He's like, it can't be that bad. It can't be that bad.

And I was like, oh, you wait. I was like, I will send you a picture, unsolicited, no caption one of these days, and you'll see. And there was one day she was bending over, and I'm not good at taking on the fly pictures, but I was like, oh, I'm taking a picture. And my assistant my other assistant saw me she's like i know exactly what you were doing hold on kathleen yeah could you send kevin that photo yeah can we see it oh i don't know if i have it let me yes you do look in your husband's text and then go to the little button where it's saved images listen listen to

sprint customer service over here. Hey, my name is Jake. I'm with Sprint. So what you're going to want to do here, Kathleen, if you're trying to get the buff photo. Kathleen, let's just take the quickest route on this one. Why don't you just go to the text of your husband, click info, and then go to media? Let me just do that real quick. So here's where I'm going to start this advice at.

This is a non-starter in terms of a conversation bring up you cannot say to an older german woman when you bend over dear i'm seeing 60 of your ass i don't agree i'm saying i think this is a this is a move on. You see it. When something falls to the ground, everybody look in the other direction. I think this is what I'm going to do. Okay. Is she ever out where the people who are bringing their animals in? Yes. Okay. So that's the problem.

That's the problem. We're like, yeah, go ahead. You didn't do anything. You don't even have a problem with this. But in today's, the world we live in today, that level of a reveal has bothered two of the customers, two of the people who've come in distraught over their animals. They've still been able to split their focus

and complain about the amount of ass that they're seeing. So you, on behalf of the business, you don't care. What do you care? It's just a little ass. You're fine with it. But on behalf of the business, you need her to make sure

that either her scrubs are up a little bit higher or if she wants, you can work to figure out a better situation so that that's not happening. That makes sense. Because it's distracting and it's a bother to some of the people who come in. And can I just add a couple of things in response to that?

The previous manager told me they have tried several of these tactics before. They've tried ordering her larger scrubs. She says they're too big and wants them sent back. So she's a flasher. Yeah, she's tried flasher. squirting water in the crack and if that doesn't change she knows that this is an issue but does she know really what has anyone ever given her this well i don't think aside from straight out coming out and be like hey your ass is hanging out like tell everybody like i don't know water in her butt cheeks man i think it's wild she knows i think it's wild obviously i i would go i would go the route of we're getting some complaints i, that's always to me the best way to sort of. Let me jump in and try to take us on a little right turn. Melina, what do you think here? Let's get the New York Times point of view of this. Would you guys as the New York Times spray water in her butt cheeks as she bent over? What do you say here?

figure i well well i can't speak for the institution sure personally i guess i personally would probably not take that pact um i i like the i like the person who attempted to buy the the bigger scrub i mean it's like you're doing everything you can yes um and yeah like has anyone brought it up just straightforwardly to her oh straightforward like coming out and being out and be like, Hey, we can see your butt. Like, no, I don't think anybody's done that yet. Cause we're all trying to be like sensitive, even though she is very, as you said, German, very straightforward, like harsh usually. So maybe not subtlety won't is lost on her sometimes. I think so. So Kathleen, here's kind of where we're at. You've got the look away approach, which is kind of what I like. And that's just, you guys have an inside joke.

You see a German's butt when she bends over, let it be fun. But it's a problem with the customers. Gareth had pretty good ideas of saying, bring it up from the customer's point of view. The problem is that has happened. They've done that in the past. It didn't work. The idea of bringing up bigger scrubs was brought up, but that didn't work. Melina said, be straightforward and just say like, this is an issue. What do you think you're going to do here?

Where are you at? I think I'm going to see, like, I'm going to retry the scrub tactic. We're trying a different brand and I'm like touting like, it's elastic waist so you don't have to do the cinching yourself with the drawstring so I'm gonna see how that goes so hopefully we'll have some change there I think that's smart because you're the new owner correct yeah yeah so you determined the outfit and then everybody's gotta wear it and it's not only bigger scrubs but it's a shirt that goes down to the knees yeah that's not bad and it's funky but that's not bad when shopping i am i am i just gotta say it is amazing to have your ass be such a problem that there's going to be a new uniform ordered like that is really a lot of ass um yeah but uh but if you're going to do it, I think Jake's right. Get that sort of like a long t-shirt, you know, kind of nightgown vibe.

And hopefully that'll do it. And then if it's still showing, then I would go the approach of, hey, this has got to stop. Yeah. You know, maybe a combination of the Molina or the customer pitch. Yeah, yeah, yeah. For sure. Yeah, well, hopefully the new scrubs will do it, hopefully. Before we say goodbye, Kevin, is the photo available?

Oof. Garrett, walk us through what we're looking at. Okay, well, what we're looking at is full-on plumber crack but let me tell you what i what maybe less of the ass is showing but without being too graphic what i really don't like about this situation is the seems like she has taut-ish butt cheeks. So I feel like from where you're at, there's a potential to see the extreme no-no part. Agreed. I think there is real potential to...

We're not even talking about a cheek issue. I'm talking about... This is a bigger problem than I imagined. I'm sorry I didn't take this more seriously. There's a whole issue here. And I don't mean whole issue. I mean an H-O-L-E issue. So for those who, we're not going to post this

because we don't want to offend this woman, but it is a woman bending over in scrubs, and you realistically see 30% of her butt, and Gareth is not wrong. There is space in the middle where, from the wrong view, you might see some things that would be a crime to show a customer. Definitely. Absolutely.

Yes. I mean, if you're a vet and you're like, I can't look at this, we have a problem. So I think now in seeing this, Kathleen, this woman's aggressive. This is like telling a story like this is as if you actually have like an old school flasher in a trench coat and saying like, should talk to him this woman's a weirdo there's so much air hitting her butt she knows it yeah i thought you meant more like there was a little crack this woman likes showing you guys her butt and she likes that when it gets sprayed with water she goes i'm not doing anything about it

oh what was that all about yeah no this looks like the this looks like the wall just came down in berlin there is a big divide here and this is you need to if i'm you now i give one big advice and that is big uniforms a shirt that goes down to her knees. And if she doesn't like it, you say tough shit. We're covering up that big ass of yours because I'm running a business here. Yeah. Oh, okay. Great. Yeah. Well, I'm definitely going to, I'll keep you guys posted on how it goes, but, uh, yeah, no, we've got a, it's time it's time for curtains i mean we're seeing too much of the stage absolutely or if she does it again just throw dollar bills at her yeah yeah or the next the next thing you do is you basically order van helsing cloaks and that's

what the uniform is and you know it works gonna suck it's gonna get a lot hotter but we're not showing full-on yeah i, we got all backstage there. Kathleen, thank you for the call. We appreciate it. All right. Thank you. Good luck. Have a good one, guys. All right.

Bye-bye. Today's episode is brought to you by Babbel. That's right, Jake. Listen, you know what Babbel is, right? Science-backed language learning app that actually works, which I find to be very important. Science backed, Jake. Listen, don't bother paying hundreds of dollars for a private tutor. They come over, they're like asking for snacks. They're being annoying. They're or even waste hours on apps that don't really help. We're here to help. And Babbel

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Yeah. That's wild. Yes. That's a wild study. So speaking of language, should we bring in the closer or should i do it closer all right hold on let's get him kevin doors open oh you meant gill yeah i meant kevin what kevin was gonna do it no i thought we were talking about the closer the we were he parked in front of all our cars so so might as well. We can't leave. Well, what's the problem? Go ahead.

So that old jalopy is Gil's? Yes. And you can turn it off, I guess. No, keep it running. It's bad for something. A lot of smoke. I'm pausing a serious accent. Now listen, here's a special limited time deal for our listeners.

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We're going to want you to Babbel. We want you to Babbel. I'll tell you what. I don't want to Babbel your ear off i gotta go back to the jalopy rules and restrictions this episode is brought to you by zocdoc zocdoc is a free app and website where you can search and compare highly rated in network doctors near you and instantly book appointments with them online. Garth, what does that mean to you? Well, it means a lot because as you know, my mother was in town for a while. She had a hip replacement and it was crazy. It was a crazy situation. And there were so many times, so many

things like complications were popping up. And there were so many times so many things like complications were popping up and there were multiple times where we wanted to find a doctor appointment quickly somewhere close you use that doc yeah you would use that doc because it's just so much harder if you're just like you know like using search engines to try to find someone and then you call do they take your insurance the problem has it's all there for all the problem with also just searching it is all the ads pop up yes and what i like i actually use zocdoc we since we started doing it i do like that it keeps it really clean and you can put all your information in yeah did you use zocdoc for your knee i did use zocdoc for my knee which

i am going to get an mri on uh But we don't think it's a tear. That's the good news. But I am going to get an MRI. The doctor report back, it's just an old man's knee. It's actually pretty much what it sounded like. That's what a doctor said to me about my hips. I'm getting to the point where it's sad when doctors are just like, yeah, you're just the... He goes, I've had a doctor who looked at my body and then went like this.

Well, you're mid-40s, yeah? Ugh, what a jerk. Well, that guy's hopefully not on zoc doc but but again it really does it filters specifically for doctors that take your insurance located near you treat basically and again you can get an appointment quickly you can also get it same day that's absolutely right jake if you're lucky uh that's right gil buchanan ones and two 68 balmy don't worry about it that's right i've been kept in the closet for a while on this show but i'm back for the ads good to to see you, brother.

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Good morning. Great energy. Can we say that? Good morning to you. You're on the podcast. You've got Jake. You've got Gareth. And we actually have a special guest.

We have a reporter from the New York Times. Melina Delkic is with us, but might jump in, might not, but no pressure on you. Who are you? How old are you? And what can we do to help you? Excellent. All right. My name is Josh, 34, a couple weeks ago.

Congrats. I live in Arizona. I have a wife, kids one son and twin daughters and the advice I needed is my wife and I we talked about after the twins we didn't want to have you know run the risk of having twins again so we talked about getting you know both of us nipped she got hers done during the uh the c-section and then i was supposed to do it after that but um wait a second we know you i think we're do we know you uh you don't know me personally but we know we know your wife we know your lore you took 45 seconds of the

best moments of your life on the kitchen floor after you got a big job. Is that correct? That is exactly right. So, Josh, just for the people, we would encourage people to maybe go listen to your wife's call. But essentially, just to run it back quickly, your wife feels like there's the potential for more children, which she doesn't want. Or maybe both of you don't want. Well, no, the wife said that they had a deal and that they were both going to get snipped. She got snipped. He didn't because he's afraid of the pain.

You work in nuclear power? Yes, sir. There we go. And you gave your wife a fantastic 30 to 45 seconds on the floor, ended up having twins. The deal was there were going to be two ribbon cuttings. She was going to take care of her fertility, and then you were going to get a vasectomy. And she got hers, as you said, done during the C-section. And as far as we know, you've not been hotwired. You're still all connected down there.

Yes. Is that right? I'm still all connected. You're still all connected. Yes. Is that right? I'm still all connected. You're still all connected.

And so, Josh, take over a little bit and tell us from your point of view how we're in this moment here. Well, yeah. So after she went on your guys' podcast and told this wonderful story. You stallion. The first thing we noticed is she, in her nervousness maybe, just divulged way too much information about me. To us. Yes. Okay. So I think she had, I think, three or four fire acquaintances, people she knew from high school and other jobs that contacted her asking if it was her on that podcast.

Unprompted. Amazing. If it was her on that podcast, unprompted. Amazing. I've just got to say, real quick, sidebar, Josh, just for our egos, fantastic reach for a show. I mean, to have four different people anecdotally communicate, that just makes us feel good about our numbers. But yeah, the same thing. A bunch of people at my house found out, I think maybe one person, and word of mouth spread like wildfire.

Oh, boy. So, yeah, I emailed in wanting a chance to defend myself. I think that sounds fair. So, Josh, we are on the team of the caller always, right? So when the first one came in, we were on the team of your wife. Now we're on the team of you. So how can we help my friend and sorry if we sold you up and down the river on that first call it's a shame well uh the main big thing is how do i deal now with my wife and i are kind of

pranksters with each other and stuff and she uh uh you She humiliated me on a very popular podcast. So now I got to find a way to get her back. Boy, I'll tell you, what a ride we've taken with you two. Now, did she take any of our advice that we gave her? Because I remember we gave her a number of ideas. Yeah, we said withhold sex. Was that what she did she withheld sex she made it a day and a half and then she needed more of the 45 seconds wait hold on let

me ask you guys a question or at least make a comment about you guys you got twin girls and a son and you guys can only go in a day and a half without sex. Pretty good. My friend, this is not humiliated to your extended group of friends. Yes. That extended group of friends is jealous of her. I would definitely agree. I got to tell you, most people with three are not going, we can go a day and a half and then we fuck on the kitchen floor again. And let me say that there should be no shame in a short session

if you're pulling them off a couple times a day. I mean, we're talking CUM here. Like you think most people during the week, maybe they get five minutes. You're putting up six, seven, eight minutes, Josh. That's right. Thank you. I appreciate that. And so we're looking to get revenge, right? That's right. Absolutely. Well, I mean, look, in terms of getting revenge i look i i think this follow-up is even shorter i don't think this is a revenge call i think this is a victory tour for josh his wife called in and said uh you uh bug her for sex and then she gives in here's i guess my question that could be the revenge tour is sex on the kitchen floor is it the best 45 seconds of your life because she claims it was

your statement sir it was especially for uh hey i gotta i gotta leave for work here yeah i'm gonna do a twist here are you gonna get snipped, Josh? Oh, absolutely. You are? Yeah. And what's holding you back? Is it the pain? Because on the first call, we were talking that it's the pain game. Is that what it is?

Honestly, I'm a little anxious about it. But with work is extremely busy, and then the time that I have off, the kids are still pretty needy. Yeah, you don't have the window. Exactly. As far as I know, it can be a pretty quick procedure. So I'm going, I'll take your revenge bait. Let's party. We will, if you want to go this way, we can withhold the release of this episode for a while.

I think you tell her that you had the call with us and that we said we stood by our ground. We said what we said last time. As much as we feel bad that your friends and your circle have sort of heard about this, we still think that you have to get snipped. You feel that pressure. We said we want an update in two weeks. You've made an appointment. You're going to go do it on your lunch break or something like that. You come home and you have a couple of oranges in your pants and you say it went bad. It was one of those ones. You said the doctor literally said, I've never seen that before. And now you're in extreme pain. You can even call her and say, this is what you were worried about. You're kind of hyped up over it.

Come back. You look like you've got some, maybe buy a bag of ice. Okay. Come in. Say the doctor said that you've got to go in the next day. And then every couple days after that to get checkups, really play it up. Play up the pain. Let's heighten this, Gareth.

Go, babe. So what we know about you two guys is you guys like to fuck each other right that's the the big theme of this love story is you guys have great sex on floors yep she's pushing you to do this thing you've agreed but you got work and the kids and it's a lot and you don't think you're gonna get pregnant because she's already been snipped so here's what i say you do i think you do gareth's prank but then i think you call and say like there's been a disaster with this thing and my dick doesn't get hard anymore something went wrong and my sex drive is way down and then when she tries to get you on the floor you go like it's just not there honey and let her think oh my god something changed and i pushed him into this

yeah garrett is that crazy i think it's good i think that is i think you can i'm even looking up some stuff here and i think you can just you can play it up i mean how whatever you want to do um i think i even mentioned this on her call i don't know if it's in the episode, but I was at a comedy show talking to a guy who had a bad vasectomy, and he said it was a nightmare. Now, I think you still follow through and get the vasectomy, but I would really play that up, and I. There's complications. You're in a lot of pain. The doctor said it's normal. And then the doctor also said there is a chance of way lowered sex drive. And the truth is, it's just happening to you. And then she'll go like, you want the best 45 seconds of your life? And you go, you mean hanging out with my kids? And she'll go like, no, with me. And you go, it's really wild. I love you like my best friend now.

Yeah. It's a good thing we've got this foundation of friendship. You lean into a marriage is about friendship. It's not about passion. And start acting differently. Go ahead, Garth. I also think maybe before the reveal. And the reveal, by the way, if you do want to go swollen, and if you did want to play that up, you could pull the oranges out as like a, oh my God. But what you could do right before the reveal

is just say out the window dramatically, I wish you'd never called that damn podcast. Yeah, that could be like the final stab right there. Yeah. So Josh, realistically, because your wife called in and in terms of taking our advice, it only lasted a day, right? Yeah, that's right. Do you think you're going to actually pull a prank back? Or is this call partly just to say, I want to reveal some stuff about her so those callers can get my side get your name back and josh take a victory tour and put your crown on and god bless you guys for having three kids making a relationship work and being an inspiration to a lot of the people listening who go like i want to have sex on the kitchen floor with my floor

banging floor banging is a very incredible it's a very specific time okay that is a very specific place and the fact that you're getting there in this incredible yes so what do you think where are you at i'll be honest i think that's great like i said it would be real fun i couldn't let her go for too long she'd be yeah after cf doesn't take much for her to break down. And we just want to say from over here, we appreciate both you guys. You guys have been great callers, and we're jealous of your relationship. Absolutely. I am a man with a cat.

That's all I have. All the best to you, Josh. Thanks, Josh. Good luck. Thanks. We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson. Good luck. Thanks. We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson. And Gareth Reynolds. The show is produced and edited by Kevin Bartelt.

The theme song is made by Oliver Raleigh, and you can check out all of his work at OliverRaleigh.com. The album artwork is by James Fosdyke. You can find him on Instagram at James underscore Fosdyke. And if you'd like to see me do stand-up on the road, go to GarethReynolds.ke. And if you'd like to see me do stand up on the road, go to Gareth Reynolds dot com. And if you would like to be on our show, please email us at helpful pod at Gmail dot com. That was a hate gun podcast.