We're Here to Help - 212: Sh*t Show & The Fancy Dorris Football League

Episode Date: September 29, 2025

It's the day after the Super Bowl and we have a winner! Listen to the end of the episode to find out who won the first ever Pickle and Chip Classic. Plus, the guys help an accidental voyeur and a fantasy football league commissioner in need of a rebrand.Sara, 38, Philadelphia is looking for a friend! Think you could be a good match? Submit to the Friendship Game by emailing the show or fill out the following form: https://tinyurl.com/friendforsaraSee images from the episode here: http://www.heretohelppod.com/post/episode-212Want to call in? Email your question to [e-mail]: https://patreon.com/heretohelppodMERCH: heretohelppod.comINSTAGRAM: @HereToHelpPodIf you’re enjoying the show, make sure to rate We’re Here to Help 5-Stars on Apple Podcasts.Visit gemini.google/students to learn more and sign up. Terms apply.Advertise on We’re Here to Help via Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a headgum podcast. Sweet Jesse and Jake Monday. And folks, the boys. Buckle up. Button up. If you're driving a car, make sure your seatbelt is buckled. If you're about to go on a roller coaster, have the fella come over and make sure that little groin thing is really locked in there on you.

If you're alone with the kid, make sure they're not near the edge of the cabinet. Because when you hear what's going to happen, they're going to fall off. If you're in a garage and you kind of turn it into a half locker room with a Jiu-Jitsu dummy, make sure the padlock is locked and the keys close by. If you're eating a weird sausage, make sure you chew it a bunch because you could choke to death. All right? What we're saying is if you're at a convertible, you can have the top down, but don't get comfy. What we're saying is if you go to Turkey for a hair transplant surgery,

make sure the needles going into your head don't go too far in because they'll kill you today, And bring a second passport, baby, because you're a new you, baby. And the guy's not going to recognize you at TCA. He's going to go, who's this hairy guy? I saw a bald guy in this photo. Today is the day you're going to find out what happens on the pickle and chips match. This is the follow-up. Do you guys know?

I don't know. I don't know. You don't even highlight a text in. Natalie doesn't know. No. I said to Natalie, make sure you don't know either. None of us know what happened. What we do know is that they played,

and we do know, I believe, some people showed up for it. And I know they filmed it, and I know they're working on something, and I don't know if we'll get that or how it's going to go. But I just want to say to the community and to everybody else, this is a big-ass day. It's big. This is Super Bowl Sunday.

Another thing I would like to say to the community is thanks for supporting Weird Here to Hell. on Friday. The numbers were pretty big, folks. Well, I mean, what is, that's heads are huge now. Huge, and they were already big. Now, did you, they exceeded your expectation as you drink from a thimble with your little coffee diet.

I got things going on mentally. Okay. And emotionally. Oh, boy. Actually, my daughter and I had a sleepover last night and we decided to do it on the couch. What do you mean you had a sleepover? Well, you know, you could just do a rest of, well, you know, you could just do a regular night in the house, wherever one goes to bed.

And I said, we're friends. She said, we're not. And I said, but we kind of are. She goes, you're definitely not my friend. And I said, mom's going to bed. Let's turn tonight into a goddamn sleepover. You're crying. Blankets on the couch, renting a movie.

Aw. She said, this isn't what I would choose. You're not my pick. As you were checking the weird here to help numbers throughout, you're like, yeah, it's a great movie. Yes. Yeah, she says, I'm not allowed to look at my phone. Smart. I'm literally sitting there thinking...

So funny that she's... The child is telling the father to put his phone down. Well, you know what happens is you tell a kid things enough times? Yeah. And then they tell it to you. And what the problem is is you then have to listen. Like I had these weird calcium buildup on my eyelids. And so I went to check them out just to make sure, oh, Gareth, I got a story for you.

What? I got a great story for you. Then I might, it might be too long for this intro, but I got a banger. Let's bang it. Okay. We got a lot of business to cover in this one. So let's save it. Let's save it for the next one.

I got a banger for you. I have in New York. Anything that any calcium build up on my eyes, segue is awesome. This one's a banger, man. This one made me laugh. All right. Great. Great.

So, I mean, in addition to the pickle and chip classic, which is we're going to find out about today, we need to tell people what happened with the lion's tickets. Jesse, take over, big daddy. well it was overwhelming as it was overwhelming as you guys know and maybe that shouldn't have been a surprise but it was a surprise to me yeah it was it was a landslide it wasn't even close not even close at a over a 93% clip Aaron won yeah as she should have though but it was it was it but I thought it would be 70 30 she it wasn't so bad we texted them they there or emailed them they're both happy with the results.

They're happy they did the show, and they're moving on. Yeah, and so are we. But yes, Aaron won in a total landslide. She bought him. Yeah, but I didn't think it was going to be that much of a slaughter. Her only, the only thing she did wrong

was not sing, don't cry for me, Argentina very well. That was the only problem. The only thing she did wrong was face you in a singing match. That, honestly, if you play back the tape, you'll hear that I was, leading you to say that.

But that is what happened. I agree. Because if I sing, if you said you do a competition with Jake and I did my singing, she would have won that day. Well, I'm glad we didn't go there. It's better that the audience voted, but Aaron won so people can rest easy. It's over. It's over.

And it was, they're happy. She went to the game. Yep. But she, I mean, it was a lot of you voted, so we really appreciate that. It was over 92% last time I checked. I haven't checked in a little bit since it's over. But big, big numbers for Aaron. Yeah.

Well, and speaking of audience interaction, we want to plug the friendship game. So we've got a new, new season. I don't know what we call it. Sure. We got a new contestant. We got a new friend. Wait, did the person already win? Well, so we have, yes, we have our next lead of the show.

Yeah. Wow. Our next, Frenchler. Our next, yeah. But don't we have to announce who won? Frenchler. We have already announced it. We have already announced it.

But we need people to in a note, I think. I think I said it. I think I said it on an episode. Let's say it again. Who won? Let's say it again. So Sarah from Philadelphia, 38, won. She received far and away the most number of votes.

Oh, she did. She did. And she is a, she's looking for somebody to go skateboarding with. Steve Berg is a, what was his ridiculous quote? He's a connoisseur of the skateboard or an appreciator. That's right. Whatever that means. Exactly.

I will say I still wear the he knows where the hot dogs had are a lot. So do I. It's shocking how many people comment on it and don't know what to make of it. No, that's why because it's... Yeah, they don't know what to make of it. It's a great hat because people read it, and then they're like, there's follow-ups. Even our hats have follow-ups.

But the... The response I get is people don't know what this means. They'll go like this. All right, and then they'll go... It's mostly older people. Like, in an elevator, they'll go, he knows where the hot dogs are. And I'll just go like this.

Yep. And then they'll go like, all right. Yeah, have a good day. The follow-up will just be two men in an elevator. one guy in his mid-60s going like, I guess that guy knows where hot dogs are.

That's how it is. That guy looked familiar to me. Nope, never. He's a hot dog guy. Not to mid-60s. So, yeah, we need to find some contestants. So where does she live? Philly area.

So as soon as we find a couple of, and is she looking for a woman or does she care? She's looking for a woman. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. So if you're a little. lady in the Philly area.

You like skateboarded. And Gareth and I have not listened to that episode. We're trying to. So what else about this woman, Jesse? Or guess what? If you're in the Philly area and you're considering, listen to the Friday episode where they do Steve and Rob interview these ladies and see

if you're a goddamn match. Yeah, she's the first caller on that episode. So just start at the beginning, listen to listen to Sarah and then you can turn it off. And fight through Steve talking about food we do get to the heart of what we're looking for which is a friend for sarah so steve will talk about food quite regularly but just hang in there you know what i think it's time we have to stop teasing no steve i'll tell you why he's the star of the show we work for him no stop it's his it's he and eric shell

i will only i will only concede to that because you know nothing makes me happier that steve driving Steve at the driver's seat. That's right. He's driving our world. But with ego, give it to me. But by the way, I feel similar with Eric. Steve and Eric are the kings now, and you and me are the vice presidents. Gareth, you could throw in a few less puns.

And just pick your spots. Jayman, enough negativity for once. Shut up. Let's start this show. All right. All right. Well, without further ado. This episode is brought to you by Google Gemini.

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Shop skimsmen's at skims.com. Let them know we sent you. After you place your order, select a podcast in the survey, and select our show in the drop-down menu that follow. Hello. Oh my God. Hi. Oh, my God. Hello. Hello. Can we get your name? Oh, good. Thank you. How are you? I'm good. I'm a little shaky and freaking out, to be honest, but I'm good. You're doing great already. It's going to be real easy as soon as we start.

So why don't we start with your name, where you're calling from, approximate age, and we'll get into your problem. Okay. My name is Nina. I'm calling from Cape Town, South Africa. What an accent you got, Nina. You go to international school? Jake. Sorry, you were both speaking at the same time. Can you say that again? Welcome to the show.

Thank you so much. All right, keep going, Nina. Okay, so I'm 25. That's that. Thank you for being our first South African caller. Agreed. I'm so honored. Yes, that's great.

Okay, so basically, I've got a bit of a ridiculous problem. I live in an apartment on the third floor in Cape Town and a five-story apartment has just been built across the road and all of the toilet quick pause Nina my brother Dan aka Danny Jay just joined Dan can you hear us Can you hear us Dan?

All right never mind We'll bring him in in a second Keep going, Nina. So you're on the third floor and across the street. What happened? There's a five-story building that's just been an apartment block that's just been built and there's still builders in it and people cleaning and stuff. All of the bathrooms are on my side of the building.

So they face my apartment and they all have floor the ceiling windows. Oh, God. Oh, boy. That's that drinking. Yeah. Okay. So I'm a smoker. I spend a lot of time on my balcony, which faces these bathrooms.

And I have seen three people go to the bathroom from my balcony. And the toilet is right by the window. So there's the one. No. So there's on every floor, there's one bathroom that the toilet is like in profile view. And then there's another bathroom that's like straight on. And I've seen people go to vote. Oh, my God.

Oh, wow. Okay, so we're getting a look right now. You ain't lying, Nina. We've got a very clear image of the toilet on right across from you. It is profile, but then also. If Gareth was you, this wouldn't be a problem he'd be calling in with. What is that being? I'm loving it.

I agree. Gareth would go like, I mean, wonderful. I get a smoke. I get to watch people take dumps. What's more to be better? How do I get this woody fence out of the way so I can see a couple more of these restrooms? How do I get rent control so I never have to move?

Yeah. Right. So, by the way, how is it watching people go to the bathroom? Ugh. It is so bizarre. So bizarre. I feel like I've got a little, I've got like some voyeur in me. So I do get excited by this, not in a sexual way. Sure, we all say that.

Yeah. Not yet. Soon. But it is really weird. And the first time I saw it, I just froze and immediately looked away, even though the person didn't notice I was there, obviously. I'm like, I can't look at this. But then I could look back because I am curious.

Where they sit or standing there? They're sitting. They were sitting and it was a man. Oh, man. Hey, Dan, you can now hear us. Take your mute off. Yeah, baby. Dan, meet Nina.

Nina, what's up? Hi, dad. So, Dan, did you get a glimpse of this problem? She's in South Africa. They built an apartment building across the way from her, from her balcony. She can see the toilet if you see to the right there. So she's watching people go to the bathroom. But we haven't even heard the problem just yet.

Yes. I'm waiting to hear what the problem is, Nina. Yeah. Okay. So the problem is that I've been, so. At first, I saw two people go to the bathroom there, and then I was like, I need to tell the builders or something. I need, like, someone to know it. So I went and I told the builders when I was, like, parking my car.

And I just said, but so you guys know, I can see you all go to the toilet. And how did you do that? And they found really funny. I just walked up to them, and I was like, I don't know who I can speak to about this. But I just need to let you know, I live across the road there. And when you guys go to the bathroom, we can see every. thing. And they found it really funny. And then they started like calling the other builder guys being like, oh, this girl saw you. It must have been you on the toilet. I can't remember who it was. So funny. Basically, my question is, what do I do? Because they've put the frosting on the bottom half of the windows and I can still see everything. And the people coming for viewings, they like walk in the bathroom and they see it. And I'm sure someone's going to say something. something, but like, I can't guarantee that.

Yes. Oh, I know what you do, Nina. Okay. This will change the people who own the building. Put a big sign out your window that says, I can see you dumping. And the reason you do that is if I was going to move into a place and I was looking around and I'd be like, oh, it's lovely. I really like it. I went to the bathroom.

You look out all the views before you rent or buy. And then if I looked out and I'm like, ooh, there's a big mirror. And I saw, I can see you dump. I would go, yeah, you guys got to fix this window before I rent it. Put the frosting thing on. I don't know. I'm not building it, but fix it. If you see this sign, I see you shit.

Yeah. Yeah. You might also get a side hustle and put up a live stream on the dark web and charge people for access. How much would you pay, Dan? Well, I wouldn't pay anything, but I'm very aware of a social. But Jan Donson would say. It is cute office. It's so cute.

I would definitely pay in Bitcoin for that. Yeah, there's a cool guy I know who would pay. But so, Nina, what do you think about signage? I think that's a great idea. The only thing is that I just feel like frosting isn't enough because it's like the toilet is right there by the window. And, like, even if they frosted the top half, I can still, like, I've seen someone go. The frosting isn't enough. It's not enough.

Like, I literally saw someone go to the bathroom since the frosting happened, and they were, like, changing on the toilet. And I can see where their skin is and where their pants are. I get it. Now, Nina, do you definitely want the shit show to end? I mean, you've talked about how you're enjoying this so far. Yeah. Long term is this, are you definitely invested in solving this problem? Because I have another pitch in that direction.

But I also think you really do have quite a strange little gift here. But, Gareth, what's your pitch? My pitch would be, why don't you set up an appointment to go view these apartments? I love this. I thought about that. And you go in there and you do a viewing as someone who's very interested. And when you see this, you say, sorry, not to be crass. But if I can see over there, people are going to be able to see.

me go toilet? No, no, no, no. Gareth, you also, that's a great idea. Also, find out who's listing it, what real estate agent and say, very interested in a cash offer for it, need to know, are the bathroom windows covered or could people see it? Mm-hmm.

Yeah. And so she'll just go, the real estate agent will write, like, covered, and then they'll go to the building and go like, are the bathroom windows covered? Yeah. You could also say, I don't know if this is up to code. because I know that in South Africa, it's illegal to build buildings

where you can be seen on the toilet. This isn't true at all, Nina, but you say it with authority and they'll believe you. Or you write a letter to the building as the city. Oh. And you say it's a violation of code 42.1.8. That is people seeing you take it a dump. Or you send them an award

from the international nudist decisions. congratulating them on their bravery. You could also, we could maybe get someone who listens to this show to who's like a lawyer who's got better verbiage when it comes to this. And they could call this real estate place on behalf of you and say that what's happening here is not legal, not okay, and it is kind of forced to voyeurism. My pitch to you with all these great pitches is contact the real estate agent and go do a view in.

My pitch is that and you have your phone recording so we can listen to the conversation you have with the person showing it when you tell them that you are living in a glass shit box. And, Phil and Nina, have them there and film it from your phone and have the real, be like, that person could see. You know what you could do?

Do this. Say you want to send, say you're just going to send the view to your partner. And just as you're filming the video, just be like, I just want to show my partner that you can see. So what do you say and you can just have it rolling so we can get a little bit of this sort of hidden camera footage? Do you have a friend or roommate that could be at your window and just happens to be looking out there? 100%. I have two of them. Perfect.

So they're there and you're like, I can see them right now. They can wave. And when you say in front of the person, I'm going to sit down like I'm going to sit down like I'm going to the bathroom. Can you see me? And then have them send a photo. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I'm so good. Well, Nina, it's literally what we do. I mean, this is the show. Goddick. I mean, you're calling us from Africa. The Ghostbusters get a ghost. That's what they came to do. Come on. Good Lord. But Nina, are you, will you do that for us? And then will you send us the updated photos and all that and we'll see what happens?

A thousand percent. Great. Because there's another plan we could do where we get bigger, but I think it's going to work. Go ahead, Garf. I got to fall off if we ever need to lay it more. We call the real estate company, and I'll play a real pervert who lives across the street, who's begging for that branch to be cut down so I can see a second toilet. How would that call go? A three, two, one, action.

Hello, I'm renting across the street from this new five-story building, which looks beautiful, by the way. I can see right into one of the toilets where the shitter is. I'm trying to be able to see the one above it, but there's a nasty branch in front of it. I was going to see if possible to have that taken down so I can have a double-decker. Cut. Danny, Jay, let's hear how the message would go if you made that call.

Three, two, one, action. Hey, hello, mate. Just visiting from Australia. Wanted to let you know there's a bit of a problem. I love my first floor view of everyone having a good time on the loo. But unfortunately, up on the second floor, I can't quite get a shot of you know what.

So I'm in my own expense willing to take down that branch. Just need your approval and a bit of a sign off on a full show for this guy, Johnny South Africa. Did you go to International School Day? Yeah, we went together. We went together. The Johnson Brothers at International School. We ran that school. I bet you didn't.

Nina, will you please follow up with us? And thank you for this. And for a lady who said she started nervous, you brought the high heat and you crushed it. Yeah. Thank you so much. That means a lot. Thank you for calling.

You killed it. Thank you. And also side note, Nina. Yes. You're still on? Yeah. You're 25 years old. Quit smoking.

Yes. I know. I'm trying. What the fuck are you doing? I know. You're 25. Stop it. I know.

I know. I know. I know. I'm going to try. And side note. 4.30. Yeah. Nina, sign it.

Start telling more people in South Africa about the show. Let's get more calls. I agree. Oh, guys, I am like a walking advertisement. I told everyone at my Frisbee. Do you have any merch? No, I don't, because I don't know if we can get it here. I know that we can.

Yeah. Not with the tariffs. We can't ship it to South Africa. We'll send you a Steve Berg calendar soon. Yeah, just right. We're here to help on a T-shirt. Walk around. Thanks, Nina.

Okay, thank you so much. All right. Hello? Hello. Hi, welcome to the show. What is your name, please? My name's Ben. And Ben, where are you calling from, please?

I'm calling from Louisville, Kentucky. Oh, beautiful. I was just there. And can we get your age, Ben? Sure, I'm 37. Beautiful. All right, Ben. I think that's good enough. What's going on today? What can we help you with?

Sure. Well, I've had the same group of friends for about 30 years, and there's 15 of us. Wow. And 10 years ago, when the show, the league was big, we all put together a fantasy football league. I'm the commissioner. And when I was naming it, I named it after one of our friends' moms. and you can both maybe identify with this, you know, for your sweet Pam. But we named the league, just we'll make up a name for her.

We'll call her Fancy Doris. So the league name is the Fancy Doris, Eskimo Bros. Fantasy League. And a lot of the team names are at her expense and it can be kind of graphic. And, you know, the thing is, the thing is. You know, Fancy is, she's just like the nicest lady. She had the hangout house. She came to all of our weddings. She knows all of our kids.

Yeah. So why not honor her? Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. So, you know, now she's a grandma and her son is in the league. And so now there's a huge trophy that has these horrible team names about this really nice lady that we all know and love. Okay.

And, you know, when you win the league, the trophy is, you know, substantial. It's like a three-tier trophy, and it has your name, like the league winner's name, and then your team name on it. So everybody's putting these out in their living room and their man cave. And, you know, our kids are old enough now that they can read. And, you know, so they'll walk in and they might read, you know, some pretty terrible things. And then you have to go back and ask dad or mom, like, what does that? this mean? And why is it about this lady?

You got to give us some examples of these names, Ben. Okay. So one would be slamming fancy's ass. Well. Do you need more? Yeah, like fancies sweet cheeks. Ben, give them yours.

What are you holding back for? Okay, this is a good lead to my question. Mine is Fancy's first round facial. Oh, Jesus. Jesus. This is not how I talk about Pam. No. Thank you, Jim.

This is stuff I do with, Pam, but we don't talk about it. Stop. Or should I say she does it to me? No. No. No. No. You want to see how Oriole my face gets?

Yeah. the gear oily you should see how curly my hair gets so you know like imagine imagine you have you know i have um well i imagine three daughters go ahead and then and yeah i get you know they come in stop three daughters so you imagine imagine you know i win the league and they're not good you know you can't do that fancy's first round facial right above daddy's name And yeah, it's not good. It's not good. So my, but my question, my question is as the, you know, commissioner, the ringleader kind of of this and someone with the most graphic of team names, how can I get the league to agree to change the name without sounding like I've gone soft?

Because everybody is kind of out on this. Interesting. Yeah. Well, do other people in the league are they kind of in a somewhat? position where their parents are they like is there is so they maybe everybody there's maybe a majority sentiment of this sort of feeling like juvenile for lack of a better term

yes but no one no one has said it out loud and um not many of the team names have changed over the years okay i got a pitch um i'm gonna pitch that when was the last time you won it's been a whole while okay um he's probably like six years

who won last um it's our friend that lives in florida now does he have a family yes he does here's what i'm going to suggest i'm going to suggest that you talk to the friend in florida and you either you either

you can either manufacture this this in-house where you say, your daughter saw an email or something like that, but you fake a family freak out. If that doesn't work, then you have the guy in Florida say, his family is asking questions about the trophy. It sort of defeats the purpose if you can't display the spoils of winning. And that's going to lead you to pitch a change. And the change will be that we can still do this,

but maybe we need a come up with coded language and b maybe instead of making it about doris we now make it about whoever came in last the year before that's what we're sort of theming it around so it's sort of a penance for coming in last and maybe you soften the language but at minimum we move it away from doris and we make it more about the people in the league themselves

yeah the first part of you We do have a last place trophy, which is like about a three foot penis trophy. I got a pitch for you, Ben. Yes. Two trophies. You keep the trophy as is that's the real trophy for the real league, but that shit doesn't have to be displayed.

You've gotten to an age where that shit can't be on the mantle anymore. You're not 24 years old. But that can be in the back closet. That's still what, that's the real trophy. That's the Lombardi trophy. But then you've got the family. trophy and that's the trophy you put in the front of the house that's the kind of thing that your team wins the championship you got the real one in a safe somewhere and then you almost have

like a replica up front and so you just get a big trophy that says like fantasy football champion and it's really generic and the winner gets two trophies back of the house front of the house and the reason is kids are asking questions and guess what A kid should not walk in their living room and see something about a grandmother getting a facial. But that doesn't mean it can't belong in your back closet in, like, your sock drawer that you get to look at and go like, you goddamn right at one. I've been winning this for a lot of years, and I deserve this trophy. But life has changed. I like that.

I think that's a pretty good solve. You have the fake trophy, you keep in front of everyone so that you still feel like a winner. So you get to brag to your family. Yeah, it's legit. But the players of the league know what you're... The thing that you're drinking beer out of. Yeah. You still, that's the one you want.

I think that's a pretty good pitch. What do you think, Ben? Yeah. I think I'm going to marry the two together. Talk to us. Like, I'm going to take Garrett's introduction about like, hey, we have. had like a family freak out about the main trophy and then

we can kind of maneuver into adding the second trophy the family trophy the reason for it is because of the freak out so we're going to have the family trophy but the way you're not going soft is we're not retiring the real trophy no it exists it's what it's all about

and if you guys all do a draft together you don't bring the fake trophy no nobody cares about the fake trophy I think that's pretty good I mean I feel like that gives you good cover and again if someone's if there's someone's single in your league they don't give a shit they keep the decoy trophy in the back exactly but the funny thing is you should get the fake trophy

should be ridiculous it should be like a man with his kids like you know like the family trophy should be like you know it should be like a dad of the year type trophy. Well, you know what? This is a fake-ass trophy. Who cares about it? It could be, since it is the

Fancy Doris Fantasy League, the fake trophy could be the FDFL. And if anyone asks, it's Fantastic Dad Fantasy League. I love it. It's pretty good. A faux acronym.

Yeah, I love it. It's a really good compromise between the two. Okay. Then, Ben, we're happy. If you're happy, send us a faux acronym. or the fake trophy and let's see what happens okay do you do you want a picture of fancy holding

yes the fake trophy yeah yes they'll be the real one too thank you okay okay you're offering it yes we do yes yes we don't know it's possible but yes in fact we would like that a lot yes then we will do the black soon we can get it the better yeah and we will but you'll still be able to tell who she is but uh but she's not going to be checking our instagram nope well we didn't you know she in greenland guarantee it. Have a good name. Have a good name. I love calling them customers.

Thanks for coming. All right, Ben. Keep us posted, bud. Yeah, thank you. Thanks, bud. This episode is brought to you by Google Gemini. Look, college students, I understand that you are dealing with some pretty

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This episode, we're here to help is brought to you by Acorns Early. Listen, I remember when I was a boy, a little boy, the amount of times I was saving up to try to buy things. I remember I tried to buy a he-man, gray skull castle. I remember trying to buy a bionic man. video game from KB Toy Stores. I was born in the 1930s. But you know, you really start to learn about the value of money, but is it enough?

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That's one month free. when you sign up at AcornsEarly.com slash here to help. This episode is sponsored by Kachava. I love Kachava so much. I take Kachava on the road with me all the time. I put it in smoothies. Sometimes I just drink it on its own. It really is the greatest protein powder I have ever had.

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This, so we don't have Brian. We are going to have Brian. No, he had a technical emergency. He's fine. Yeah. But I'm going to tell the audience what's going to happen is we're going to have him on individually after us. Okay. So this is your point of view on what happened.

Do not hold back. This is the Taylor section. We have gotten Taylor so many goddamn emails. The audience interest in this match through the roof. It's been incredible. Before you tell us what happened, tell us about the event I don't want the results yet

yeah tell us about the day yeah it went very very well so Brian has a buddy who has been making YouTube videos or whatever for a long time movie stuff like that so he brought three cameras

we had an announcer set up we had a booth with two announcers oh my God we had intros you had intros there's a full video oh yeah Intros, little shit talking prior to the game. Now, in this video that we're about to see, does it reveal who won or anything like that?

You'll be able to figure it out. Okay, so I don't want to see the video. Yeah, let's get some more insights. Yeah. So, yeah, they edited it together. We've got like our scores on the screen. It's pretty legit. You guys killed it.

So there had to be a lot of, were you feeling like, were you feeling nerves going into this? Because this becomes such a bigger deal. Oh, absolutely. Yeah. I was stressing a little bit. I got to the court like an hour early. I was warming up with my buddy.

I wanted to make sure I was loose and ready to go because my family showed up a little bit later than Brian's family. So when we initially got there, it was a bit of a hostile environment. And I wanted to make sure I was ready to go. And how many people? How many people showed up? I'd say Brian probably had like eight or ten of his family

and I had probably eight or ten of my family. And then we even had a we're here to help her show up with a sign and his family. Wait, no, it was just a fan game? What did the side say? Yeah. What did the sides say? The sign said Team Taylor. It said pickle and chip classic.

There was a pickle on there. There was a bag of chips on there. It was great, dude. It was great. God bless this community. That's so awesome. So you had about 30-ish people watching. and your feeling going into the match 10 is the most nervous zero's none where are you at

I was it probably like a six or seven like I was confident in my abilities but I warmed up with Brian a little bit I realized he he knows how to hit the ball at least and he had a few good shots and so I was trying to kind of you know hold back my cards during the warm up so that I didn't give too much away. And T, how was his backhand? His backhand wasn't bad. It might have been one of my targets after a little while, but it

wasn't, you know, it wasn't terrible. It's not like he couldn't do it. And how's his serve? Does he have any heat on it? Because I know you can do some spins on those serves and you can do some heat, or you could just try to get it in and then that gives the returner all the advantage of control in the court. Yeah, I think he

was mostly focused on just getting it in and a lot of his serves were kind of short so i had to run up but then i was kind of in a good position right up there on the kitchen you control the kitchen the rules are strange to pickleball too did he he clearly had been preparing so he knew the rules he wasn't going to get technically screwed or something no there was there was one point where he didn't let my return bounce but outside of that there were no rule violation so i have a feeling what's your guest gareth because i don't like this taylor did you kill him well do you want me to answer that let's watch the video let's watch the video

but that's my gut too my gut is that that my gut is that he didn't have any technical difficulties other than he couldn't he couldn't be here today because he didn't want to he was already full and didn't want to eat humble pie oh interesting you think he ran yeah all right let's watch the way the fan showing up is the so my favorite the chef's kiss I agree that was the highlight and this will be on our website and and Instagram and obviously Patreon. And ESPN. Sports, yeah, sports.

This is already the best. Hello and welcome to the pickle versus Chip. Pickle ball grudge match. Brother-in-law versus brother. We got Brian versus Taylor. What do you think, Kip? I think it's going to be an ugly showing. We've got self-proclaimed coach versus Big Mouth, I guess, is what I would say it is.

Yeah, we got a cocky son of a bitch. Brian here, the Portuguese. the cocky son of a bitch who's going to whip Taylor's ass all over this court today and he has no idea what he got himself into. He's going to get a taste

of what it's like to fuck with a congle. Hey, hey, semi-pro. My name's Taylor. I have a brother-in-law that challenged me to pickleball cut. I work as a pickleball coat

so he thinks he could somehow meet me. We're here to prove that wildly incorrect. What do you think he needs to do to potentially win? Scoring more points. Pretty great.

But the first big. it is flying by. We're going to see how this really turns out. All right, we're on match one, zero, zero. All right, you got the net. Boy for Brian. Taylor's down. All right, we got our first point.

Wait, hold up to watch this whole thing. It's one to nothing, Brian. We could cut it after. A nice return. Taylor's moving to the defense. Oh, got it. Brian is better than I expected, though. I agree.

Oh, no, this is going to be a. blowout. Taylor just aced him on a really easy serve. Brian just whiffed. Three one. Oh, yeah. Taylor's going to kill him. Oh, those are mistakes. That's two whiffs, though.

But by the way, the reason Brian didn't show up today is because he whiffed. You got to hit the ball, Jaggass. This is worse than I thought, Taylor. Oh, he's terrible. And now he's getting tired. Oh, Taylor.

Great shot, Taylor. It's 4-1. Okay, right now, Taylor, how are you feeling at this point? It is 5 to 1. You just hit that cool backhand. Your brother-in-law is missing easy serves. It's not even looking like a match.

How are you feeling? At that point, I started to settle in a bit. I started to feel okay. I knew I could play around a little bit more. Were you shocked how bad he was? No, I was surprised that he was pretty decent. I mean, we had some decent rallies. Barry, he did have to start off, he had a few whiff on the serve,

but then he figured it out. Okay, okay, then slow on the serve back over. Okay, okay, then we'll keep watching. Because I'm whiffing on the serve. It's shocking. And also the announcers are drinking alcohol. Six one. Wait for him to make the mistakes.

Oh, Taylor. Makes mistakes. Six two. Or eight two, sorry. Brian's getting tired. Yeah, a lot of sweat around that collar. That was good ball. I did not think that was going over.

That was good ball. Don't cop with her, Taylor. That's warming up, right? Conditioning will be a question here. We're all thinking the same nine to two. Kept on the forehand. That's a nice hit, Taylor. Oh, Taylor.

That's a... A lot of unforced errors, Taylor. Get a little cocky over there. Didn't quite let it out. Taylor, that's a bad... 10 to 2 now. Oh, my God. Taylor, you're getting tired of your coach.

That was the worst time of saying. And it came from the profession. We got a game point again. Tensu, get one. Just a rally. All right, we got a good rally. That's a nice rally. Oh, we got to want that one.

Ball game. All right, let's pause for now. I don't think we need to watch four more minutes of this because we're not doing full commentary. And I'm imagining somebody driving in the car and just hearing. So here's what I'm going to say really fast. The first match finished out 11 to 2 Taylor beat Brian.

And in watching the rallies as somebody who just did a pickleball movie trained with real pros, Taylor's way better than Brian. Way better. It's if he happens to come back and win, it's the biggest choke in history. And if that happened, I don't think Taylor's calling. Taylor, what are the final results? We doubled up. I got him 11-2, 11-2.

He never stood a chance. The second half of the videos where I have some pretty cool highlights, I turned it on a little bit. Yeah. But after the first one, 11-2, I sort of realized what was going on. And then second game, like you said, I think he started to get gas. He had to call a timeout in the second game. Oh, wow. What the fuck?

You're a pickleball. Jesus Christ. He called himself. He called himself the Congo. And he took a timeout. He had to take a time out. And, uh, yeah. The Congo, by the way, doesn't take time out.

No, Congo does not, what? Congo doesn't need cardio timeout. It's the fucking Congo, dude. Yeah, I know. Congo is just, Congo doesn't get tired. Congo, yeah. Congo is a shark. It never stops moving.

Congo does not go like this. is hold on Taylor had to take a timeout during a second game of pickleball Brian did okay so Kong gone

you murdered him in the match how was the vibe of his family I there was I think some of them are a little upset with me because of the first call because like

I had initially called him an ass I think when I first called and Brian didn't care we're just talking shit but I think a couple of them were a little not so pleased with me. Really? So there was definitely, there was definitely a divide in the crowd.

There was my side and there was his side. It was pretty like head to head. I mean, amongst me, Brian, my sister, like we're all good. We were having fun and, you know, nobody's. You guys get, that's what happens to us. We do jokes and then people get mad at one of us for being mean to one of us, but it's never personal within the group.

Right, right. So there was a little bit of animosity on the sidelines, but it, I mean, it was pretty awesome. How was he? He was having fun, I think. He had, I had maybe had a couple more beers than I had at that point. You guys were drinking throughout it? Oh, yeah.

We had a couple before and then a couple. I didn't have any, like, during the actual matches. A little bit of liquid courage. Sure. That's why he's whipped in. He got drunk. Yeah. It was awesome, though, man.

My aunts made t-shirts. People brought fat heads of my parents because they couldn't make it. So, it was great, dude. So fun, man. Wow. Just so fun. And so afterwards, what happens? How does the ending go?

What's the feeling? So, yeah, we ended it. I mean, we're all pretty gassed. right. So we hung out at the courts for a little bit longer, had a few more beers, and then me and my roommate, it was like a three-hour drive home. So we got out of there, we drove home. And then Brian and I were texting and he, you know, said, hey, good game, you know, well done. I concede. I've got a video, I've got a video of Brian bowing down to me in front of the fan that showed up. I'll send that to Natalie. That's awesome. That fan is awesome.

fun and now it was great feels like a happy ending everybody's happy we would love to talk to Brian but I understand technical issues do occur after that match

but my question is you know gareth and I had a bet years ago that he was going to get a breadfarve tattoo in a Minnesota Vikings jersey if breadfarv won a Super Bowl

as a Viking and it came close very close and we talked to this day me him and of if he would have actually gotten the tattoo and if I would have held him to it. We did a bet with Berg in 2012 that he lost and by losing that, he had to do as hot as he could have photo shoot without trying to be funny. In 2025, we finally executed it.

We got a calendar we're making. We just did the selects. Steve Berg did a hot guy photo shoot. So my question to you is, are you going to make him do the thong dinner thing? he has to because it was his idea has to i mean that's where i'm at it was yes it was his suggestion i said okay because i knew i wasn't going to lose so he backed himself into this corner he has to do it we didn't do it that night here's what i here's a good way to answer that for yourself and i know the answer and i know you do would he make you do it yes oh yeah

yeah absolutely i mean it would have been he would have been over the moon not i went just you know, I beat you. You got to do it. Here's my question to you, Taylor. Is he going to do it? He's going to. I'm going to make him. Otherwise, he'll never see the family again.

I'll go buy an elephant speedo. Next time we're together, I'll give it to him. And if he, I mean, I'll just keep trying. He's going to do it. I don't think I'm going to have to fight him too much. I mean, you heard him on the original call. He's got a great vibe. He's confident enough that he'll do it.

Now, let me ask you a question, Gareth. It will happen. Would you have gotten the Brett Farve tattoo? Yeah. How big? I mean, you sent me dimensions. That big. And you would have actually done it.

Yeah, it would have aged horribly, as Brett has. But I would have gotten it because of two reasons. One, I'm a man of my word. And two, it would be the funniest thing to talk about. To this day. It's such a funny story. Now, the question is, would you have made me get it? No.

No. Well, I don't think I would have gotten it without the push. I would have done a push. I would have done it my way. I would go, you know, we made the bet. I think that would make me do it. And then I would go, but at the end of the day, considering there was no stakes involved because I didn't lose anything, I'm not going to like hold your ass to the fire.

Genius of my bet, by the way. But I would definitely, in front of Gareth and others, I mean, in front of Steve and others, I would be harsher. and then I would text you individually. I don't care, buddy. Glad you didn't get it, man. Yeah, you don't have to get it. I'd be like, you just murdered me for an hour.

I would have gotten it. Based on that setup, I would have gotten it. Yeah, and then we would have it. And so, Taylor, you're going to push him pretty hard, but from what you're saying, he's going to do it. You proved yourself a way better pickleball player than him. You are a professional. Anybody in the area give a shout out where they can find you

if they want to coach. Okay. Sedona, Arizona. Anywhere up in Sedona, you just, you give us a ring. I work at a, I work at a resort up here. What's the name of the resort? Be a little more specific. Enchantment in Miamo, who's where I work. And so, if they call and ask for the pickleball guy. If they call and ask for the pickleball guy, they can get things. Do they need a membership to the club or can they do a thing specifically with you? If they want to do it here, they would need to stay at the resort. But I mean, I got courts right down the street from me. my house.

It doesn't have to be here. You got an email or anything we could set them if they want to just contact you? Do just tennis and enchantment.com. Tennis and enchantment. com. Yeah. Find Taylor. Simple.

Reach out to him. If you're in the area and you want the best coach, if you would prefer Brian to be your coach, you're a wild animal, but I bet Taylor could set that up. Brian's game's all attitude. You're not going to want the comment. I'm going to coach you. And then I think Taylor, we're just going to need a follow-up

about the dinner. Well, as well as I wouldn't mind hearing a little bit of Brian's headspace now that he lost. I mean... Yeah, but we know what it's going to be. I wouldn't mind five minutes with Brian. I agree.

I agree. But then I'm excited for the dinner. And to make sure that he does it. But I don't think that's our push. That's now Taylor and the family's push. That's our game. That's our push. but hey man congratulations

you did what you said you were going to do you lived past the pressure this got hyped up I could tell the tightness occurred but you showed why you're a professional and a coach and before we go it went well bring the bell allow me to ask one question of you

let's say eight to 12 months from now Brian wants a rematch another bet are you going to do it Chris is going to do it. He killed him. I mean, yeah. No problem whatsoever.

I'm there. I like the idea of setting that up. Is there another sport you would compete against Brian and give him a double or nothing? Oh, gosh. Well, he was a baseball player, so I mean, I don't want to do that. But he came to my sport so I could go to his sport, but he would beat me in baseball. Then we're not doing it. Outside of that, maybe we'll do ping pong.

Because he said he's played ping pong before. Ping pong could be a follow-up. That was his background for his pickleball skills. Ping-pong could be a follow-up. I like it. Well, that's exciting. It's exciting in every way. It was awesome.

It was great, guys. Congratulations, brother. Well, way to go, man. Thank you very much. Congrats. Thank you both. You defeated the comic up. And all this will honestly be on the website.

It'll be on the IG, the Patreon, everything. You'll be able to find it if you want to find it. I love it. I'm over the moon with it, guys. I mean, everything went according to plan. To the fan who showed up, you're the real hero. By the way, to the fan who showed up, email the show, we're going to have you off.

Yeah, and we're going to call that episode where a hero to help. Yeah, but let's have that person come on. I would love to hear their point of view. Agreed. Okay. Let's get them on with Brian. Let's have them on with Brian. Yes.

Yes. Taylor, thanks, buddy. Thanks, bud. Congrats. Thank you, guys. Thank you very much. All right. Ah, good-bye.

Bye. We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question at HelpfulPod at gmail.com. And if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here to Help, you can go to our Patreon at patreon.com slash here to help pod to see our entire catalog. We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grimm Productions,

executive producers Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter, and Natalie Hollis. Associate producer Jesse Thurston, editing mix and master by Chris Fowler. The theme song by Oliver Raleigh. The cover artwork is by James Fostike, animations by Andrew Strelecky. And if you'd like to see Gareth, you stand up on the road, go to garethrenolds.com. Remember all of the advice given on we're here to help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions. All video episodes of season one are available now on Patreon,

and season two video episodes will be available. every Monday starting January 20th. Go to patreon.com forward slash here to help pod. I'm Tignotaro. I'm May Martin. And I'm Fortune Feemster. And together we're handsome. What is handsome? Well, it's a state of mind. It's how you feel. It's whatever you want it to be. Hansom is also a podcast hosted by us, three stand-up comedians you may have seen on your TV. We swap stories, share life updates, and occasionally laugh until we cry. Every episode we answer a question from celebrity friend. People like Sarah Silverman. It's Stephen Colbert.

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