We're Here to Help - 214: Too Wholesome for Doggy & Ethiopian Jazz

Episode Date: October 6, 2025

Gareth and Jake help a caller stop her friend from making a terrible decision. Then, they "Roxanne" a timeshare pitch meeting. Plus, Jake loses his phone and the follow-up to Ep 167 "I Feel Barfy."Sara, 38, Philadelphia is looking for a friend! Think you could be a good match? Submit to the Friendship Game by emailing the show or fill out the following form: https://tinyurl.com/friendforsaraSee images from the episode here: http://www.heretohelppod.com/post/episode-214Want to call in? Email your question to [e-mail]: https://patreon.com/heretohelppodMERCH: heretohelppod.comINSTAGRAM: @HereToHelpPodIf you’re enjoying the show, make sure to rate We’re Here to Help 5-Stars on Apple Podcasts.Visit gemini.google/students to learn more and sign up. Terms apply.Advertise on We’re Here to Help via Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a headgum podcast. Oh, Jake. We both got something. Let me do mine real quick. Do it. So I'm in Fort Wayne, Indiana, and we're recording, so I'm on the East Coast. So it's kind of in that weird hotel zone. Like if we record around now, I've got to kind of figure something out of like a late checkout and early check-in. So as I'm trying to figure that out when we said we're going to do today, I go through my email.

and I'm looking for the hotel where the club is putting me up to see if I can get in there a night earlier or whatever. And I see an email that was sent to my website from someone who worked at a Hampton Inn in Fort Wayne, a fan of our show. And she was just basically like, I won't say her name just because maybe, I don't know, she doesn't want that out there,

but she's like, hey, I work at the Hampton Inn. I saw you're going to be in Fort Wayne. If you and any of your people want a room, an easy, cheaper room, let me know, I'll set you up. So I call her directly and she gets me a super late checkout on a room that I book. And so that's how I'm able to record. So I was just like... Is that happening right now?

Yes, I'm right now in this Hampton Inn in Fort Wayne with the hookup. Yeah. And I just was like, ah, it's great. That's awesome. And I call it. She was like, is this Gareth? And she's like, from we're here to help? I'm like, yeah.

I'm like, and I need your help. that's a great story the community is strong so i got one i don't know if we have time but i told you the story when i was in new york and i said i had a weird story for you yeah so i've been shooting this show having a blast loving it um when it comes out we'll hopefully have a bunch of the cast on but it's a really special one it's been a lot of fun i've been flying back and forth a lot and I'm doing it in New York, but I'll fly in on like a Tuesday shoot on a Wednesday, fly on a Thursday. I always self-drive in my life. I don't like drivers.

I don't like getting picked up nothing. I can't do that. So transport picks me up outside of the hotel. I sit in the car. We drive to Staten Island or fucking Yonkers or the Lower East Side or wherever we're shooting. Brooklyn or Queens, we shoot. I go back to the hotel, Gareth. I'm like a child.

I know nowhere of where we're going. I barely know the names of the hotels I met on this one because I'm so odd of it with time in. I only tell you that because of what happens. So I fly in. I think I'm on two and a half hours of sleep. And then just a banger of a day, like five scenes, four scenes,

12 to 13 hour day. At the end of the day, I am cooked. It's 7 p.m. I get in transpo boom boom boom drop from somewhere Greenpoint to some hotel some clubs outside

with a bunch of young people in Williamsburg fucking kill me walking into a packed elevator with a bunch of drunks talking so loud and I'm like I'm just trying to get to a room

to sleep you animals I'm getting picked up at 5 a.m. to get to the airport scream talking all around me just fucking get me in my room so I can shut the god damn door i'm nearly 70 years old i walk in the room i close the door a paradise take out my wallet put it down reach for my phone reach for my phone where the fuck is my phone oh my god where's my phone

at that moment i realize how dependent i am gareth oh that when you have these moments, you are like, oh, no. That was my first. I'm not a forgetful guy. Of your phone of everything. Gareth, I'm in a hotel room. Yeah, what do you do? So, I literally froze and left and went, huh, I don't know where my phone is.

I have no way of contacting production. I'm in a hotel in 10 hours. hours. I'm getting picked up by a car service that I didn't book. The emails coming in, I don't have my flight info. So I then go like, all right, well, be calm, be cool. I'm so tired, I feel like I'm in a lucid dream. So I'm like, just chill out, get your head together. So I walked down to the lobby of the hotel and I go to the woman at checkout and I go like, hi, a quick question for you. do you guys have a business center, a place I can use a computer? Where weirdos go to print?

Yeah, exactly. She was like, what she wanted to say is, this is like a hipster hotel. Everybody here just fell out of an Apple store. She's like, where do you think you are in Des Moines at a Holiday Inn asshole? That's where I am. But that's what I'm used to. He's like, give me the big room with nine computers. And she goes, no, I'm so sorry we don't have that.

And I go like, huh, and I go, well, I need that. And she goes, why? And I go, I left my phone at work, and production is ending in about 30 minutes, and they're going to shut everything down. And I don't know how to get in touch with them, so I just have to get on my email somehow so that maybe I could email production, right? You had your phone on the drive back. No.

Oh, my God. So you don't even know where it is. I have no idea where it is. Oh, my God. The drivers and I It's a great group At Transpon this job And everybody's chatty

Wow So we're just I'm sitting in front seat We're fully gabbing We are just getting Gabin We all got bits We all got stories

Let's rock I can't remember The last time I saw that fucking box A.K. my phone So I go to the woman And I go And she goes

I guess you could use This one Well Gareth it was the computer They have at checkout So I walk around the counter People are checking in I'm on the computer Excuse me, sir.

And you know me, I can't help but talk. How are you doing? Do you mind using that lane over there? Thank you so much. Have a great stay. I hope you're enjoying it. Can't help but show off. But I'm also in a panic.

I get on my email, great. Okay, this is going to work. Type in my thing. It says, this is an unfamiliar computer. We're going to send a code to your phone. I knew the code. What? Yeah.

You're set up for two-factor. What? Yeah. So I'm behind the counter. There's now a line of people. There's two computers. She's doing everything. There's a guy standing next to me needed in the computer.

I can't get on my phone. It's getting dark out. And I go, well, that's crazy. I don't have my phone. That's why I'm doing this. And she goes, this sweet woman, goes, well, do you know the name of the studio you were filming at? And I go, no.

Nope. She goes, do you know? know where it was. I go, I think Greenpoint. So she goes, why don't we just look for studios? So we Google studios in Greenpoint and look at images. At a certain point, Gareth, they all look the same. I just went that one. So then she calls me a car, charges it to the room. I get in a car. We're just driving to Greenpoint. We get to the place. The guy goes, all right, it's not the place. At that moment, GR, what do you do? Now, in my age, 8.30 at night, flight is at 7, but I need my boarding pass.

There's nothing at the hotel. And it's a party hotel. There's clubs everywhere. So what do you do at this point? The car pulls up to the studio. It is not the studio. You don't know where any other studios are. The zone is similar.

This is a perfect time to use your phone for help. Yeah. I honestly, I think. what I would do is, yeah, I think I would, if I were you, I would call my wife and I would sit. Well, from the hotel. Okay. Or you're right now that you're out there. I would have the, I would say to the driver, look, we're totally screwed. Can we drive around Greenpoint a little bit and look for some production vans? Smart. See if there's a production going on. I didn't play that smart. Okay. What'd you do? I got out. Said goodbye to him.

You want to know why? Because you felt bad. No. Because when you're in hell, burn up. Yeah. Don't bring others with you. And also, it's the same thing if you're like when you're younger and you're drinking too much. And it's 1.45 and you're going to barf.

And then you look over there's a bottle of tequila. Have another shot. Yeah. You're in hell. Yeah. Yes. Pour it on your head on a plane. So what'd you do?

Gareth, I just started running. What is going on with you? So tired. What are you doing? You just start running? What are you, Forrest Gump? Looking. Looking for what?

The production vans? Vans. Okay. Well, we're, we have the same mission. I know we're in the zone. Okay. Yeah. It feels industrial.

Sure. I used to live in Greenpoint. Start running. Just when I say running at that point of the night, jogging. Trotting. Trotting. Doing a weird hop. So.

I'm skipping. Walking. Sleeping. Staying at the hotel. There's no show. There's no show. I quit. And by quit, I'd been fired for doing a terrible job.

They said, hey, podcast boy, your acting days are over. You're doing a terrible job. Okay, so you're running? I start running. I go, I'm just running. And I'm in a moment in my head going, you know, you walk through the steps in your head? Mm-hmm.

The steps in my head were this. I'm going to run around for a while. You're so fucked. That's what I thought. What happens? What do I do? Eventually, I can find a cab. It's New York.

I can get to the hotel. I have my wallet. I can pay. Yeah. What do I do when I get to the hotel? I could call my wife. What could she do? She doesn't know the name of any of these productions.

Yeah. Maximum Pleasure Guaranteed Apple? where it's not even online the showrunner is a guy named David Rosen could you find him do you have his number no

the actresses I'm working with Tatiana what's her number don't know I'm sweaty at Greenpoint yeah she would say what would you like me to do so what do you do so you're just walking running around

Greenpoint jogging I see in the distance production vans They must be like This guy's out of his mind I just run to them

There's a driver in there Never seen him before I go Hi Are you part of A maximum pleasure guaranteed He says no I go

But are you in the Transpo Union He goes yeah and I go So you must have a walkie He goes No and I go he got help he said no so I just keep running oh my god I see another van same thing another van then Gareth up in the distance about a block and a half things start looking

familiar so at this point covered in sweat in a panic yes I get to the stages but I'm coming from a way I've never been. So I'm almost like, is this real, is this not? Get to the stage. The doors happen to be unlocked. Get to the third floor where my dressing room is. See my phone. Oh my God.

So I'm like, holy shit. So then I'm like, great. So I get a lift, I get back. And then I think, I'm buying a bottle of booze for that woman at reception. Yes. Because she fucking did not need to be nice and she was. So I go to the liquor, the deli right next door. And I walk in and I'm looking.

around and there's no booze. And the guy working there goes, hey, let's be cops. And I go, my man, but I'm not in the mood. I'm not there, Gareth. I go like this. Hey, man, do you got any booze? He goes, let's be cops. And I go, please, man, please.

What I wanted to say is, I literally thought I was going to die. I might have died tonight. I'm at a low, my friend. And he goes, and he goes, I like, that movie. And I was like, please, man, I need to, I gotta go to bed. I hate you. I hate, I hate me. And then he goes, I go, he goes, no, we don't sell that. I'm not getting her a bag of chips. Get her some ham. I'm not going in there with two sandwiches. I got cheese of potato salad. So I go, this is New York. A liquor store has to be a block away. So I go, where's the closest

liquor store? Fucking guys is a mile away. Why did you get out of the lift? Why didn't you, why didn't you, I wasn't thinking straight. Yeah, you're not. First of all, I'm covered in, so I was in a panic. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So then as he gives me the directions, he's like, you've got to go down to bed further and tick her right here. I was like, this is not going to work.

And then he goes, why don't you just borrow my scooter? Yeah. Let's be cops. At this point, what do you do? Take the goddamn scooter. So I said, I'm 47. years old man i'm so tired i don't want to fall on a goddamn electric scooter he goes you're crazy i'll teach you 10 o'clock now 11 i say okay he goes in the back he gets the delivery scooter

gareth he gives me a tutorial in the deli there's other people in line watching me and the guy he was cooking. He walked from behind. You know the guys who make the eggs? Yeah, yeah. He was making the sandwiches. There was people waiting for their food. He stops, walks out. We're going in little semi-circles. He's teaching me how to use the scooter. And he goes, that button goes faster. And he goes, you go 10, 15 miles an hour, no problem. And I go, okay. And then I go, what do I do when I get to the liquor store with the scooter? And he goes, don't leave it outside, man. Somebody will steal it. It's a thousand bucks. So I go, okay, goodbye.

At this point, who cares? That's what I thought. Gareth, the next thing I know, I'm cooking down the middle of the street on a scooter. I'm going about 15, 20 miles an hour. It's the weirdest experience I'd been in in years. Just driving on, getting recognized. People going like, hey, man, and I'm on a delivery scooter. I'm just going like this.

How you doing? Yep. Hey, man. Like new girl. Thanks, brother. I get to a liquor store. I bring the scooter inside. You have to.

It's not great at all. But it's also, this happened to be like a nice wine shop. It was not appropriate to have a scooter in there. The guy comes out and goes like, hey, can I help you? And I go, first of all I want to apologize for bringing an electric scooter in your shop.

Have you ever seen Let's be cops? And he goes, no problem, man. What can I do for you? So I get the thing. buy a nice bottle of mescal go back drop the scooter off give the guy a big hug i get behind the counter with him we take a photo i'll post it on social media and then oh two people were in line and me and this guy are talking like old friends he's like how was the scooter and i'm like you're a king you saved my life i loved ride in it he's like oh thanks man and these two guys go are you who we think you are

and i go yeah and they go do you know that guy well and i go i just met him 30 minutes ago And the guy goes, we need a photo, Gara. I just walked behind the counter, handed these guys my phone. I go, take one of me, too, my friend. We're taking photos as I'm walking out. He's like, I'll see you soon. And I was like, I'll see you later, baby. I love you, man.

I got to the hotel, sat down, and just started die laughing. And I was like, that is as wild of a night as I've had in ages. Un-fucking real. Yeah. And I swear to God, that has no exaggerations. I also, it's really, there's so few people who would function like this in that. There's just, it's such, I know, but it's like, here's what, this is the thing, your moves are wild until you're pulling them off.

And you specifically, even back in the day, I remember when you would talk, and I'd be like, what is he talking about? And then you'd be in the movie. and you beat and I'd be like wow this guy's actually like this is he's it made no sense to me makes no sense to me

but it still works for you but I didn't know what I'll that's why I kept asking you during it because I kept thinking I told the story to my brother and he said I told my brother and he goes why'd you run you know what was it's crazy the run's crazy where when you go and I was like well what am I going to do

go back to the hotel I'm a dead man it's just crazy it's crazy it worked but I don't know if there's a lot of people that that version of a plan would have worked for. I also don't tell the stories when they don't work.

All right, everybody, without further. This episode is brought to you by Squarespace. Squarespace has sponsored us for a long time and we appreciate them. We use them a lot. Go to garethrenolds.com to check out Squarespace or if anybody out there is listening and wants to make a source.

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All right. So, all right. And then, is the caller here yet or not yet? No. Still not here. Natalie. Natalie. Natalie, what a day you're having.

I know. Well, we also had a collar drop out. Oh, really? And I had to, they got cold feet. Really? Really? Yes, they emailed at least to say that they got cold feet. Can you tell us what, you can give away their thing because we don't know what happened?

So she was calling because her friend is newly divorced and she has a tramp stamp, a tattoo, back tattoo. Gareth, do you have a tramp stamp? I'm not making a joke. Call on, Natalie. I honestly would not be surprised. It's the not making a joke. makes it work. Okay, I'll tell the rest of the story because the caller just arrived.

I'm not making it. All right. So Paige, stick with us. We're about to jump into another call. Okay, so her friend's newly divorced. She has a tattoo, a tramp stamp, and she wants to get a full Disney tattoo over it of her kids and her a Disney theme, like full back. And she's really excited about it.

And the caller's husband said, you got to tell her not to do that. She wants to get back out there and have a dating life again. No guy's going to want to see that in a sexual position. Agreed. It's just terrible. So you've got to tell her. And then the caller was like, I really don't want to tell her. She's so excited.

It's so awkward. What do I do? But then she backed out. So will you email her? I'm going to email her. Yeah. It's in the email. Now that I know this really fast.

Give me one quick second. Gareth, let's send an email and then we'll just include this to the end of this follow up and see if she comes. Okay. What is a newly divorced friend? Yes.

All right, so I'm writing this. I'm doing a reply all really fast. Hey. Yeah, I didn't reply to her yet. This is Jake. We are currently recording. That just told us your story. Please join today.

Please join today. Lady, please. Spam language. Not with Please, Lady, please. No, you're right. That's certainly... I say, this is Jake. We are currently recorded.

Natchez told us your story. Please join today. Please, Lady, please. Please, Lady, please is absolutely. I mean, obviously Elvis took over the email. And send. Okay. All right.

Let's take a call. I'm going to let in this new caller. Great. Hello? Hello. Hi, welcome to the show. Hi, thank you. Where are you calling from?

What's your name? What's going on? I'm calling from Florida, and my name is Jordan. Hi, Jordan. And hi. So what's going on is I have a friend, and she started out as a mom friend. She is recently single, so she wanted to do something different and took me to a tattoo, consult with her. and I thought it was a really sweet idea

it's Disney theme and it's a herd or two kids Wait a second We just emailed with you I was waiting for you to click in on it Did you know that? No but I just as soon as she started I was like You came on

So Natalie I did I'm so nervous I don't want her to hear I don't want to hurt her feelings We'll let camouflage everything We'll be respectful And

But keep going but I think we've alluded to this problem. And thank you for joining us. Thank you. I truly appreciate you coming on. The email Jake sent towards the end, we thought it got a little wild. We're going to be able to bait you.

But we really appreciate it. Okay, so your friend went to a tattoo artist, Disney themed as the concept, recently divorced. Yes. Yes. And it's, I think it started out small that the guy said

it has to go full lengths of her back. The tattoo guy said that? The tattoo, yeah, because it's a cover-up. Okay, a cover-up of another tattoo. Of another one, yeah. So your friend recently divorced is going to cover up a tattoo with a Disney-themed tattoo, and the tattoo artist suggests that this needs to be a big tattoo

to cover up what's going on. Yes, and her kids are in it, too. And so I thought it was very sweet. What is the cover-up? Oh, it's very her. it's like a tramp stamp okay and then what is the tramp stamp of it's just kind of like a turtle named bert Reynolds exactly we got to get rid of that yeah just like a poorly in line I dated a woman in high school who had a turtle tattoo that was a rainbow flag that I remember hmm I remember

it was in a private area and I thought yeah that's that's my concern I got to think about a turtle here. Was it front? Front. Yeah. Front. See, it's the, the tramp stamp obviously had, it's like those tribal tattoos around the bicep or whatever.

Like those had a moment where that was whatever. And then eventually it all just kind of becomes a muck. Yeah, you're sort of like, that was a weird era. It just becomes muck on the skin. It's like Ed Hardy tattoo. I know, but you got it on your body. Because I remember the turtle down there. I just remember having a thought of like,

it definitely took me out of the moment. I was like, yeah, no, I get that. Things are going great, and I had to think, first of all, significance of a turtle, second of all,

why has it got a rainbow show? But by the way, when you're down there, I mean, finding a complaint, you know, you're really. Unfortunately,

I'm one of those guys. You're a nitpicker. You know, my brain, I can't stop it. Yeah, I really do. I'm a horse that needs whatever, yeah.

I'm a horse that needs, if I go, if I'm a horse that over the blinders, I'm going like this, what's the, Yeah, no, see, I would just be like, all right. I'm in the end zone, baby. Yeah, I wish I had that. I don't.

So, okay, so she has this tramp stamp, unfortunately. And her plan is to cover it up with a Disney tattoo that involves her family. That's what's going on? Mm-hmm. And you don't want this. And I thought it was sweet, told my husband, and he's like, oh, no, you have to stop her. And I said, well, why? And he kind of said what you guys just said.

But he's right. And she starts fading again. this is going to be well well because it's in a position that you're going to see it a lot in a if you're having sex in that position

and seeing kids at all take away even Disney just seeing kids yeah and someone else's kids any kids it's it ruins everything it's it's the idea it's like

it ruins imagine if during sex someone was like hold a picture of my family it's insane so So, okay, what is the design exactly? It's kind of them looking at the castle. The Disney Castle.

At Disneyland? That's bad too. And it's, so it's kind of the back of them sort of wistfully looking up at the castle? It's their backs. So no faces. It's still two holes. It's two holes them for doggy.

But can you, tell their kids or do they just look like little, okay, no. They're babies. Look, okay, and so you were in support of this. You go to the tattoo artist. You're like, this is a great idea. You tell your husband, and your husband's like, this takes doggy off the table.

But this isn't with her, Garrett. And she's a mom friend. So it's awkward, yeah. Yeah. And has she gotten the tattoo yet? She is scheduled. Okay. Very soon. But she has scheduled. I think here's, yeah, I think we've been

I think here's what you. you need to do, Jordan. And I'm a big believer in this. And if you hear any of the, we're here to chats, you know, I think a friend is somebody who calls people out. I don't think a friend is somebody who just agrees. I think if you actually, the people I don't love or care about, I'll never comment to their face.

I don't care. But if you love somebody, you got to tell them if you think something's crazy. That's the job. She's about to do something that is a huge mistake. And if she wants to do it, God bless her. But I do think it is your job to say to her before she does it. You're putting children in a position that if somebody, you have a doggy style of sex, they have to look at kids.

I talked to my husband about it. He said there's no bigger boner killer in the world. If she says, I don't care, go with God. Blame him. Blame a man. Okay. Okay. I think his angle on it is right if you're going to do it because it's the truth.

It's not like you sat there. like normally, right, a call would be like someone, you would be there and you'd be like, this is a terrible idea, and we would suggest blame your husband for this opinion. But this is actually what happened. You supported it, but then you got the man's POV.

I think it's at least worth getting off your chest. If she wants to go ahead afterwards, then she can. But literally. How can we help you confront her? Because we have to. And I'm very non-confrontational. If there's a way to do it easy. How about a text?

Yeah. Are you comfortable with the text? Yeah, I could text. What if we put a text together? And I don't want you to send this one because we know you're nervous. We know you're sensitive. And some callers, we know we can push. The lady in Iowa who ran across the street with the bounce house, she was a wild woman.

This is not this call. No. So we are not going to send until you are 100% ready. Yep. Okay. But do you want to open up your text? while we're doing this, and don't put any number up there. So you're just writing a blank text right now.

Oh, okay. Let's just form one. And then if you like it, you throw her name, you hit send. If you don't, you hit save draft. Yeah. Okay. You comfortable with that? Yeah, I can do that.

Now we're talking. And then when you're ready, Gareth, you want to start? Sure. Ready? I'm ready when you're ready. All right. Yep. Hey.

So I know you're scheduled to get the Disney tattoo pretty soon. And while I was really supportive, there is just one thing I wanted to bring to your attention before you went through with it. This works. Okay. Tell me in your ready. Okay.

Okay, yeah. I was talking. talking to husband's name and he pointed out that having a tattoo with your kids on your back is a known foal for men would maybe not maybe but it's a but how about it in man but how about in man code, that's a big no-no. Okay. He said

it's mainly because of the sexual position, but also in general, it could hinder the new single you a little bit.

Oh, okay. okay again you do whatever you want to want i think the idea sounds cool but i wanted to give you a male point of view yep yeah also what the fuck are you thinking no no no mind And so what do you think, what are you thinking when you, with this text? Yeah, I think that's pretty, you know, I might take out the sexual part. Yeah, edit whatever. Edit whatever, take a look at it, edit whatever, and then maybe read it back to us with your version of it. Oh, okay.

Let's see. So I said, hey, I know your schedule for that Disney tattoo soon. And while I'm super supportive, there's one thing I want to bring to your attention. I was talking to husband, and he pointed out that having a tattoo of your kids on your back and man code is a no-no. Mostly because of that part I want to maybe fix the dating. It's a no-no, but you don't have to say anything more of it. It's a no-no.

You could also write for obvious reasons. Yeah. Try that. Okay. just an obvious no-no or his from his point of view

okay just live yeah or the future guy's point of view exactly right okay okay and it could hinder

the new single you a bit I thought the idea sounded super cool but I wanted to give you his perspective yes uh and then i like the thing that garrs are saying like obviously do whatever you want i just wanted to let you know what i heard give a heads up from what i heard from my husband okay she might not have thought of it like i didn't exactly okay i can do this yeah and i mean again take a minute you know read it and think you know this is i think it is it's what's very good about it is is that

this is your husband's opinion. But also, a friend of all is a friend of none. So the kiss-ass to everybody is nothing. You're actually being a friend. And you called, sometimes it's too much. You called because you don't want to live with the guilt. Yeah. And this kind of gets that off of you a little bit.

This could save this woman's back. This could. This is going to be a huge mistake. By the way, cover up the tramp stamp, a little smaller. Do that on your arm. You want a tattoo of the kid. kids looking at a Disney castle?

Yeah, there's other ways to cover it up, but also you don't even have to cover it up. I mean, you're covering up like a stain with oil. This is a worse cover-up. The cover-up here is worse than the crime. Exactly right. Yes, okay. You want to read it back? Oh, yep.

All right, I said, hey, so I know you're scheduled for that Disney tattoo soon. And as I'm super supportive, there's one thing I wanted to bring to your attention. I talked to the husband, and he pointed out that having a tattoo with your kids on your back, and man code is a big no-no for obvious reasons from his point of view to hinder the new single you. I thought it sounded like a great idea, and you should still do it if you wanted to. But I just had to let you know what he thought. You know what? Can I make it edit?

I like this, yes. I would take out the part where you at the end say you think you should do it I agree with you Gareth I think you're selling in the other direction still so just say you know you can get there

so read that last sentence again so I didn't say I thought it was a super I thought it sounded super cool but is that true but maybe you could add do it in a different part of your body No, but I think we're entering a world we don't like

I would just get rid of that whole clip Yeah What's the ending if you lose that line It could hinder the new single you Just a heads up for what it's worth I think that's right I'm thinking this is pretty good I do too how are you feeling Jordan

That's good Hey, Jordan. Natalie, were you going to jump in? Yeah. No, I wasn't. But, I mean, she can't do this because you can't cover up a huge cover-up tattoo. Like, there's no going back. This is the last chance.

So she has to maybe think about it. She's got to think about that aspect. It feels impulsive. It feels like she's single and she's like, this is a problem. I don't think you're supposed to get these tattoos right after you have a big life change. if she's recently divorced. Like sit on in a minute. Jordan, are you good to send this text now?

Yeah, I can do that. Let's do it while we're on and then we know we're all in this thing together. Great. I just sent it. All right. And how you feel? How are you feeling? Still nervous, but better. Okay.

First of all, thank you for calling in. You admitted you were feeling nervous, but then you did it. We appreciate you. I think the audience appreciate you. Yeah, and I don't think you overstepped. I think you're a good friend here. I really do.

Thank you. All right, I'll let you know. All right. Take care. Bye, bye, bye. Introducing your new Dell PC with the Intel Core Ultra processor. It helps you handle a lot, even when your holiday to-do list gets to be a lot. Like organizing your holiday shopping and searching for great holiday deals

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And we are brought to you by Lisa. Oh boy, Lisa. Lisa mattresses. I got to tell you, I am always on the go. I'm always doing things. People think I'm crazy. Sometimes people get into my car and they're like, why is there yogurt here? So when I was like looking for my next mattress, I needed it delivered.

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I am 34. You know, can I talk to Gareth for a quick second, Ashley? Do you mind? Yeah, no, sure. I'll tell you really fast, Ashley, this is our third call today, and they've both been a bit of a, it's been tough sailing, has it not? Slog, sure. We got there, but.

But, you know, we didn't do, Gareth? Huh. Ask a lot of weird personal questions at the beginning. Yeah. Hey, Ashley, if you were going to write a memoir. Oh, my God. and what would the title of your memoir be um i think maybe uh like i finally made it or it looks like i made it i don't know corny finally made it's good looks like i made it it's an airport book yeah it is as you see

that in the hudson news and then ashley if we turn that book over on the back What did you make? This is a story of what? What have you made? I really made it big at the end of my story, I think. Good. So on the back of the memoir, I finally made it, it's I really made it big. Yeah.

And what's a quote from somebody who read the book? What's something they're saying about this book? Um, oh my God. Shockingly lighthearted and a bit erotic. No, I'm just kidding. I don't know. Say no more, Ashley. I might buy this book.

Say no more, Ashley. I'm just kidding. Shockingly lighthearted and erotic. Lighthearted and erotic. There's not a lot of times people combine those. By the way, if we're talking about restaurants and fusion, that's a good fusion mix. That is Taco and Indian. That is a part, I would say Korean and Taco.

That's Korean and Taco. Taco Indian is not, for me, my thing. That existed. They did? Yeah. Not for long. I don't believe it's with us anymore. I think you're right.

Therefore, it's a bad fusion, brother. Yes, yep, absolutely. Okay, so Ashley, you finally made it. You're shockingly lighthotic and you're erotic. You're kidding. What's your favorite band of all time? Um, I love the Beatles. They're probably my favorite. Uh, you like John or Paul better or George or Regal?

George is an option. I like George. You like George? He's, he's, yeah. What do you like about George? I just, I think he's like the best lyricist. He wrote the best songs, in my opinion. Karth, who do you like the most? It's kind of become George. Nat Attack, who do you like the most? John, I guess.

I have a strong stakes on that. like, I don't know. I just listened to Green Day. Back to you, Ashley. Jake, who are you? John, 100%. If I had to pick one of the main two, John, for sure. John, 100%. His solo stuff is insane. I love him. Yeah. I was just listening to he and Paul when they wrote their songs being mad at each other after. Yeah. Love it. Oh, yeah. The tension. Yeah. I love the tension. How do you sleep at night? How do you sleep? Great. Hey, Ashley. What can we do? What could we do for you today? So, yeah, I have a problem.

My family likes to do a lot of weekend vacations to like Palm Springs and kind of like more northern, uh, SoCal. And we, um, we ended up in like a timeshare situation where we booked a hotel room, not knowing there was a part of this plan. And then my family did like the presentation so that we can get a free weekend stay like another time for a huge discount. which was great, and we did it already, and everybody had a great time. But now everyone's already done it, and the pressure kind of is on me to attend one of these

timeshare meetings so that we can get another discount and stay somewhere else. And it's like a huge discount. It's like $800 off or something. And I don't have the constitution to face these timeshare salespeople because I'm kind of a people placer and I won't have any support systems. them. So I really need somebody, I guess what I need from you guys is help getting out of the sales presentation in a way that is like irrefutable and they will let me leave. But I still get to go on the vacation and get the perks from attending.

This is interesting. Without getting stuck it into like a 30 year kind of agreement. So, and this, actually, this is, you're trying to get out of it from your, we're trying to get you out of it from your family? Yes, because they will definitely think of me as, like, pathetic if I can't go in there and just, like, hold my foot down and be like, no, I'm not interested. And explain this to me because I don't get it. So I think she has to go to, like, a sales pitch.

And then you get $800 bucks off? And if she sits through the sales pitch, she's going to get an $800 discount. Put cotton in your ears and put deck tape over them and just sit there and pretend. and you can't hear and you can't speak. To that point. Well, is there anything else, Ashley? That's pretty much the question. Or is there any...

No, that's pretty much it. I just need help escaping these people. To what Jake's starting with, I think we just have to kind of build an insane character that these people... Can't sell you. That they're just like, they're going to throw in the towel pretty early with this person.

So maybe that gives you some fun, and maybe we just got to stack the deck with some kind of weird quirks. I think, yeah, Ashley, I'm kind of, so let me just get it clear before we pitch something that's not going to happen. If you show up at this sales pitch, your family gets $800 off, correct? Yeah, and they're like huge rooms and they have amazing pools for the kids. It's a really awesome deal. You just have to sit through their, like, major hustle. And every family member has to do one sit through.

That's kind of the deal. It's not, yeah. I mean, we don't have to do it. Like, they're not making us. But, like, everyone's already done it so we can go on this trip. So it's kind of like, well, are you going to do your part? And so we can go on another trip. So it's more pressure from my family, not like, I don't have an obligation to the timeshare people.

I think you should, first of all, Ashley, I think you should do it. I don't think we should get it. Yes. I don't think we should try to get you out of it with your family. They'll let you out. But what are they letting you out of? It's your obligation to the family. It's an $800 discount.

Yeah, I agree. You'll be a legend. Go do it. I think what Gareth is totally right on is we just got to get you to be shockingly lighthearted and not erotic at this thing or very erotic. We got to make you a bit of a – I would say erotic's going to keep you there a while. I think we've got to make her a bit of a train wreck. A lunatic.

Enough that she's there and they do believe her to be a real person. But train wreck enough where they go, yeah, I don't. This is not going to happen. The kind of thing, here's what we're looking to have happen, Ashley. They finish early because your questions are so bad. Okay. I can do that. If they start and go like, so we're here, you raise your hand right away and you go like, question.

So what we're looking to have you do is you get credit for being there. But they ask you to leave so that they can sell the others. Is it a big, like Dwight? Is it a big one-on-one? or I'm sorry, is it a big like group thing or is it kind of a more on one-on-one or is it kind of both? I think it's like dependent on just who's using that timeshare property for that trip because it's also a hotel. So I don't know if it'll, I don't think it'll be a big group. There might be like another person or two, but it's like, I don't know for sure.

Okay. And what are the obligations in order to get the 800? do they have to like you or do you just have to literally show up and check a box so you show up and then you check a box but then they don't let you leave until you like sign some document saying that you attended this is perfect and during that time they really push you this is perfect so all we need you to get there is you if you sign it you check the box and you sign their documents your family goes out vacation yeah and if it's one minute of they go get her to the five out of here it's fine yeah i think so so let me give you one thought i heard a rumor that when johnny dev acts he wears a uh nearly invisible earpiece in his ear they have these so for actors so sometimes they'll put i've had him before where you're acting with an actor off screen and they're saying things to you but you've done it probably gareth when you're doing like the wedding show like an IFB or whatever.

You can't see it. It's the same color as your ear, but he will be listening to like weird Ethiopian jazz and scenes and it's why he and those pirates movies he's always walking around and being so weird. He's listening to music. So another actor will be like,

they'll be like, hey, did you get the gold and he won't respond? It's not he's not making a choice. Then he'll go like, oh, get out the girl. He's blasting insanity in his ear. So maybe we do something. like that, Ashley, where we put something full volume in your ear. So when you go and you sign and they go like, hey, how are you doing?

And they go like, how long are you thinking of staying? You quite literally can't hear them, but you know that there's a silence. You got to talk. So whenever there's a pause, say something. Okay. I can definitely do that. I like it. Can I, let me step it up a little, Jake.

And I think maybe have a little fun for the show. to please what if we send her in there her hair's down over her ears and we talk we have her put an air pot in it and we rock say in it yes and we set it up and you go in and you let us tell you what questions maybe the best catch you've ever had in the history of our show and then we record it and we and so you're we can hear them and we tell you what we want you to ask in return for the time question though gareth yeah My favorite pitch you've ever had in terms of idea. Well, we asked her memoir.

But in terms of execution, how do we do that? We work with her to schedule it when we're going to do a record. It's just a phone call. It's just a phone call. Interesting. Nat attack? Is this just she then keeps her phone, she's on like the little call or her hand right in front of them? What we do is we're doing a session.

We tell her when she's done. with the tour part or whatever that part is, she says she has to go to the bathroom. She goes to the bathroom. She calls, we get it set up, she goes, she sits down with the person who's going to try to close her, and she lets us feed her whatever we want to say, and that's how we get her out of it. We can try. I'm worried that you guys won't be able to hear the other person in front of her, and I'm worried that the scheduling of this is not going to be as easy.

Like, you have to be at the, it's when you check in or something, then you arrange during your visit for the timeshare presentation, right? Yeah, but I do think they're a little bit flexible because we've had to change it before. When is this going to happen? Well, I haven't booked it. I have to look something. So I was waiting to talk. I think it's, they let you schedule it.

We've, we've been to these. They let you schedule when these calls are, or when these meetings are. if we had her if in a two-hour block we're like hey we're going to you know do a session as soon as she comes on we tell whoever's on give us a second yeah sorry can you to be quiet for a little we have a thing that is timing is key we're going to put a pin in your call we have to talk to Ashley I think we got to try it I do too yeah and and guess what Ashley if it's a disaster and we can't hear it all we need from you is full commitment I will 100% so whatever we if we can't hear it we're just going to say stuff and you just got to repeat it without

laughing okay i can do that this will get you out of it for sure oh perfect i'm really excited now this will work and if it and if the and if it's weird and the you know we got and we can't hear them we'll just give you a bunch of non sequiters yeah well yes yes my dog's name is stephen yeah yeah Oh, I have a dog. I don't think he could deal with that. Yeah. My favorite food is manu's. Do you know that Johnny Depp, when he acts, puts an earpiece in that plays Ethiopian music?

That's why he's such a strange Jack Sparrow. And that comes from them saying, are you looking to travel this fall? I'm very, I want to tell you a Johnny Depp fun fact. You don't even do transitions. They go, are you looking to travel this fall? And you go, my favorite food is mayonnaise. I love mayonnaise. And I hate mustard. Isn't that funny?

And they go, great. So we have something right now in November and you go, I like the sun, I like Mars, I like Jupiter, I hate Venus. They're starting to crack down on shoplifting at Target. So I think this is a very easy end. I can definitely do it. I'm stoked. Okay, let's try it. We'll see what happens. Perfect. Thank you so much. I was so thrilled

to speak to you. and I'm really looking forward to doing it again. Well, guess what, Ashley, you finally made it. Ashley, you finally made it. I finally made it. Awesome. Well, very excited for this. All righty.

Thank you so much. Thank you. Sweet Jesse here. This next call is a follow-up to episode 167. I feel barfee. You're a follow-up? We don't know who you are. So do you want to just tell us your name

and give us a reminder? Yeah, yeah. My name's Alex. I called with an issue about my doll, Virginia, the crocheted one. Oh, yeah. The big doll you made. You're an artist. Oh, yes, right.

And then we were going to send it to Berg, and then you were going to put it in a table like it was a coffin, I think. and then you were going to create dating sense for it. She's... Yeah. Yeah. Is all that correct?

That was... Yeah, pretty much. Pretty much. There was a lot of ideas floated, but yeah, yeah. So what did you end up doing? What was our pitch and what did you end up doing? Yeah, so the pitch was... So started off with the dating websites.

They didn't work. Like, I just got, like, blocked on all of the dating websites. She just wasn't, people weren't ready for Virginia on the dating websites. Did you create, did you create a profile for it? I did, yes. Can we see it? I did. Can you send it to Natalie?

I think I sent through photos. Okay. Yeah, it was a little while ago. Let me see if I can find them. Yeah. Okay. All right. And then keep going, Alex.

Yeah. Yeah, so they didn't work. And then, so I tried, I tried going on the Instagram. Instagram, and then once the podcast went up, got a lot more, like, people. And then I kind of, it was actually overwhelming, like, a lot of people really want to Virginia. And I didn't know what to do because I was getting a lot of messages. Alex, it's a shockingly big audience.

It's a weird little engine, but it's got a pretty big base to it. I forgot it was America's number one podcast, you know? Oh, my God. Oh, my goodness gracious. Jake, how do you... You made it pole dancing, but her head's crazy, and she's... Alex, you're out of control. It's...

It's... Virginia is officially up for adoption. It is a naked doll strapped sexually to a big white pole. And her... I don't think it was sexual. Everything with Virginia's sexual. It's just kind of baked in. And her arms are...

are tied around the pole in a knot. And then it says, looking for the longest-term relationship possible. You're insane. Wow. And why is she so high up on the pole? There's questions. And are you in an office? Oh, that was my art studio for a while.

So, Alex, so you post this insanity and a lot of people said, I'm interested. Wait, get in touch with name. rough location and living, your intentions with my daughter? This is so weird. That last one is obviously... I'll tell you what, if you have a daughter, you're not advertising in an adoption like this.

Yeah, you're not throwing her naked on an art studio, Paul, and tying her arms on a mat. I say I'm always on the side of the collar. I'm swaying, dude. Jicks jumping. I'm still with you. Best intentions with my daughter.

It's a crazy finish. Like a stripper? Rough location and living. situation. Your intentions with my daughter. No, I think that that was actually a really important note to me because without people's intentions, how do

I know who I'm sending her to? You know? Okay. I need to make sure that their intentions are awesome. Did you, Alex, did you get some of the intentions? Oh, six, oh, perfect. I do. Oh, wow. Okay. Gareth is going to read the responses we got, Alex.

Oh, Garth is going to read and cook. Yeah, sorry. Let's make it easy on you. Okay. First, here, I intend on surprising my friend with your daughter. She will be loved and cherished. She will always have loads of fun with all of us gals when we get together. Okay. The next one is I plan to dress her in Jersey's shirts of my favorite sports team

so that we can cheer them on together. That seems fun. I think she would bring a nice energy to the crib. Maybe we crack open a cold one and talk about the good old days. Go for a long drive and take in the scenic Virginia views. Maybe bring her into D.C. and snag some pitch. fix of her with the monuments, to Charlottesville, to Sear University. I plan to

respect her and just let her vibe. I like to. I like to a lot. The next one, one, dress her up in holiday garb. She deserves to feel dolled up, or just any clothes. That's my own commentary. Two, she will be included on Christmas cards as Virginia is wonderful

and deserves to be the topic of conversation at our house. She will be a conversation piece. And the last part is sappy answer coming in. Here in Indiana, I think Virginia could be a great way to normalize women's anatomy and health. And lastly, I have an indie sketch comedy group called My Totally Real Girlfriend. My pitch is simple.

Virginia would be my group's mascot and our totally real girlfriend. At every live show, we would have her fully presented in the front row, and she would go down in L.A. sketch comedy history. Picture it now. Her name in lights. V. Well, they spell Virginia, eager fans waiting to get their picture with her. From the photos, it's obvious she oozes a charisma.

and has a natural stage presence. We would be honored if you would allow us to be the next space that Virginia gets to shine her light. So everybody, if you're in L.A., check out the indie sketch comedy group called My Totally Real Girlfriend. A little shout out to sketch comedy groups. Gareth and I were both in a bunch of them. It's a hard grind, but keep it up.

So you got these six. What do you think, Alex? Where were you at? Yeah. So I liked, I think there were two of them. I really liked the feminist one. I was like, yeah, cool. But then I also really liked the sketch comedy group.

I felt like that would be a nice kind of full for a cool place to send her. She'll get a lot of attention. It'll keep the bit going for a long time. Yeah, yeah, absolutely, absolutely. But then I got an email from, okay, so I'm not sure because the email doesn't exist anymore. Okay. So now I don't know. But allegedly, so there was the curator from the Museum of Art in Alabama.

They got to the Museum of Art in Alabama. Okay. And so they want her as a part of their private collection. And I was like, okay. Hold on. So we're going to read it. We're going to read it. It says, reach out if interested, then you wrote High Ray.

That sounds like an amazing. That's how we see. And then Ray wrote back, yes, please send it over. If you decide to send her to the museum, Virginia would become part of the museum's collection. It would not be on display at all time, but would be stored in our archives, and we would rotate the work. We would need a shipping estimate should you decide to proceed. I heard about it on we're here to help. We have a phone number.

Natalie, will you call that phone number? Oh, God. Alex, is there anything else in there? Did you follow up after that to Ray? No, I haven't yet because I haven't been able to get a shipping estimate, and then I got nervous. Okay, but this is where you would like it to be, correct? I think so. Guys, we wanted it in a museum.

Yes. Yeah, absolutely. This is great. It's in a museum. Okay, so I'm going to call this guy. Let's call Ray and discuss and see what he wants to do with Virginia. I can start us, Gareth. Sure.

Hello, this is the guest, the Museum of Art. How may I help you? Yeah, I'm looking for Ray, please. Is it possible for me to get your name and number so I can get him to call you back? Oh, is he not around? We're just returning. He's interested in some of our artwork. This is Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds and Alex.

Alex is the artist who made Victoria Ray's very excited about her. Virginia. Virginia. I think you stepped out. That's why I need to take your numbers. Dang it. Okay, Natalie, will you give the best number

he can reach his at? Yeah, can you ask him to give us a call back at Okay, I'll get him to call you back. Thanks so much. The sooner, the better, if possible. We'd really appreciate you. As soon as I see him or run and get him. Oh, does he have a number? Can you text him?

Yeah, um, give me just a second. You mind texting that Wildcat? Thanks. His cell phone number is... Yeah, I'll just call him. We appreciate the help. You're welcome. okay we're gonna and then just so you know we're calling them right now too okay thanks so much

you're welcome have a great day thanks bye-bye all right now you want to try that wildcat see what happens get him um what did i say wrong what did i call the dalph victoria victoria virginia yeah Hello? Hey, is this Ray? Yeah. Hey, Ray, it's Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. Hey, man, how's it going? Oh, my God.

Hey. How you doing, bud? I'm good, man. We have Alex C on the line with us. We would like to speak to you a little bit about Virginia at the museum. Okay, I'm ready. How are you feeling about this, Wildcat? You're going to display this thing?

Yeah. I mean, it's not going to be on display all the time. But we have shows that are relevant. We'll put it out of display. So what are you going to do about underpants? I mean, we're going to display it the way the artist wants us to show it. Okay. And Alex is an artist.

Alex, how would you like it displayed? In her natural glory. Nude. All right. So, Ray, Alex is figuring out how to get an estimate of shipping. She has no idea how to do. that. I don't know how the post office works in Australia.

No, there's just a maximum shipping capacity that I'm trying to work with. So I'm having to make a few modifications. These modifications, I've got to get a stunt sculpture. No, we want the whole thing, Alex. No, no, you'll get the whole thing. I'm just trying to figure out if I can, like, compress her in some vacuumed, I don't know. I'm trying to figure it out. Okay.

I work six days a week, so just bear with me, please. Okay. And then for the museum, is there any night that you would think that could be an opening that maybe, you know, we could help promote and maybe Alex could try to find her way at it as the hard to ask Alex in? Well, definitely let you know. soon as it gets here we can put it on the schedule of when it's going to be on display i love it and we will post about it on our instagram we will do a hard push to get everybody around to check that out in the museum um but like anything would help us yeah we love it well you're helping us

and so you're helping give this our project in virginia a really nice home definitely and it'll be in storage and uh property of the museum for in perpetuity incredible Alex you called into a podcast about what to do with this doll how do you feel about this is a solution uh guys i think he can ring the bell i am very very happy can we ring it already ring it it's going this thing is going to use him all right well

this is a happy ending Alex follow up with us and then please follow up with us about the when it's going to be shown at the museum anything we can help do to post about it and try to get people visiting. Oh, thank you guys. Get her in the mail. Get her in the mail.

Get her in the mail. We're dilly-dallying. Come on now. Get her ready for the premiere, for God's sake. Thank you guys. We appreciate you both, and both of you guys follow up with us, please. I'll do.

We'll do. Thank you, guys. Thank you so much. Bye. We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question at helpful pod at gmail.com. And if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here To Help, you can go to our Patreon at patreon.com slash here to help pod to see our entire catalog. We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grimm Productions, executive producers Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter, and Natalie Hollis, associate producer Jesse Thurston, editing mix and master by Chris Fowler.

Theme song by Oliver Raleigh, the cover artwork is by James Fostike, animations by Andrew Strelecki. And if you'd like to see Gareth, you stand up on the road, go to garethrethrenolds.com. Remember all of the advice given on we're here to help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions. All video episodes of season one are available now on Patreon, and season two video episodes will be available every Monday starting January 20th. Go to patreon.com forward slash here to help pod.