We're Here to Help - 217: Our First Intern & Why the Stinkeye, Stinkeye?

Episode Date: October 13, 2025

Jake and Gareth help their youngest-ever caller concoct a plausible cover story. Then, they get revenge on airport lunatics. Plus, a follow-up from Ep 187 "The Man in the Iron Hair (with Justin Long)."Want to call in? Email your question to [e-mail]: https://patreon.com/heretohelppodMERCH: heretohelppod.comINSTAGRAM: @HereToHelpPodIf you’re enjoying the show, make sure to rate We’re Here to Help 5-Stars on Apple Podcasts.Visit gemini.google/students to learn more and sign up. Terms apply.Advertise on We’re Here to Help via Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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feels called to fight to protect due process, the unaccompanied children program is your answer. unaccompanied kids need a lawyer like you, explore our nationwide provider map and find an organization near you to get involved in your city at acacia.org defend kids. That's ACA-C-I-A-Justace.org slash defend kids. Your first great love story is free when you sign up for a free 30-day trial at audible.ca slash Wondery. That's audible.ca.c.wondery. And we're, we're, we're, we're, here, and we're, and we're, Jake, we are back, Gareth. Jake, we are back. Can I tell you something, Gareth?

Yes. And I want to know what you would have done here. I was on a plane to New York. Okay. I sat down, look over, someone's sitting next to me. There's not a lot of actors I care about. There's really not. A lot of people are good, but there's not people I'm like, oh, my God.

I had an oh my God sitting directly next to me across the aisle. It's a six-hour flight. God's a time. You know who that person was? You got three guesses. You're not going to believe it. Actor. Great actor, a generation at least above us.

Male? Male. Great actor. Oh, man. Somebody where you would go, I never thought I'd see them on planet Earth. I'm not even convicting? Yeah. Ben Kingsley.

Great guess, but no. I'm not even convinced. Jeff Bridges. person. Oh, great guess, but no. You're right there in the zone, though. Think a little bit more intense. Shocking.

Maybe the greatest ever. Hanks? Nope. I'm surprised you went Hanks after intense. I was going to say Seneas, but then you said greatest actor. Who? Great.

Daniel Day Lewis. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. That is. I know. That is. There's nobody better. Oh, great.

And I didn't even think he was a real human anymore. I don't know if he thinks he is. He, sitting next to him for six hours. And then I texted my buddy Max Winkler. And Max is like, I know him personally. I've met. Say hi for me. That's a good inn.

I know it is. Here's what you have. have also famous helpful not Daniel de louis famous not near Daniel D but I bet he knows who you are so what did you did you make a move

well before I tell the second half what was he wearing cool clothes he looked like Anthony Bourdain he's the best bunch of cool tats cool rings cool vibe cool guy

You know what I was wearing? Fucking sweat outfit. I looked like a background actor in the Sopranos. Well, you didn't know. He looked like Anthony Bourdain in tour in Vietnam, eating food, eating noodles at a cool place, having a beer. I look like a guy who was auditioning to be BG and Sopranos, and they said, no thanks. Because you don't look tough, you just look sloppy and goofy. You look like a guy who borrowed a bodega scooter to go buy liquor for a woman at the front desk who helped to locate your phone.

Yeah. So keep in mind, that's what we're playing with. Because look, if he was in a weird sweat outfit too, I might be like, I get it. We're just traveling. But I'm like, ah, you came set ready. What do you have a wardrobe? What do you have a stylist to get on this plane? You look great.

I mean, he is the best. This is truly the top shelf. I know. So you're me. You sit down my idea. You're tired as hell. So you were thinking you were going to get some zizi. on that point. Yeah, now you're stressed.

You would be stressed. I would be like, I would really want to say something right. Have I told, did I tell you my LaTrell Sprewell story? I blew it. Please tell me. I was at the Y when I was probably, I was probably 20 years old. Okay. And LaTrell Sprewell was from Milwaukee. The great NBA player. Great NBA player. He ended up choking a coach. He choked Rudy Tomjanovich. He got offered $30 million and passed and said, I got a family to feed, which is a quote,

Eric Ellaston and I still say to each other whenever we get a new job. He, he, he, so he's at the Y. And I'd heard he goes to this Y. Crazy. And I'd never seen him. And then he's there. And I was like, oh, my God. And I was, I wanted to say something.

Yeah. And I didn't think far enough ahead. I thought I'll figure it out. I wanted to be like, you're awesome. You're just a great basketball play. Something like that. And I just go up and I go, I love, I love to watch you play.

And he like takes his ear butt out a little further. And he goes, huh? And I go, I love to watch you play. And he was like, all right. And I like walked away like, oh, my. And then I like was like, well, I can't go to the Y anymore. That's so bad. I blew it.

Love to watch you play. Terrible. Okay. You good, man? Yeah, like sad. You know, I just had a woman come up to the airport and said something that was actually sweet she I was getting headphones because I forgot my headphones and I had flown there and back without them once and I'm like I just need I know it I've been doing so much

of this travel I'm literally I flew on a Tuesday worked and flew home on a Thursday so I'm like I'm on a plane so much now that I'm like I even know everybody who works there yeah where I walk in in the flight attendant's like back so soon I'm like good to see your town me. I'm like in that zone, right? Where you're like going through TSA and they're like, how's it? And I'm like, this Thursday, brother. You know when it gets weird fast? Oh, yeah.

And you're like, airports aren't even weird for me anymore. I mean, here's so much. Look at that amateur going through TSA. We just do it like this. Ugh, awful. But a woman walks up and did the, you know, whole, I hate doing this, blah, blah, which in the future, just skip that. Sure.

Get to it. If you didn't do it, do it. No. Okay. But just skip it. tip that part. It's, I get why you're doing it. It's kind. It's all good. Yeah, yeah. And then she goes, not going to take a lot of your time. Just want to say, I grew up watching you, and it's nice to see you in person. We shook hands, and she buggy. It's great. And I thought power. Yeah,

but also, I had just tested the headphones. I put him on, so I had good music playing. She said that walked away, and I went, well, that was lovely. Yeah. She, part of her childhood was watching. stuff that I was in. Great. I loved TV as a kid. And then gone, yeah. No, it really, the full circleness of that is really amazing. I was in a hotel, and one of the cleaning people, they had found out, some people found

out I was at the hotel, and one of the people recognized me, so they told the other people. And I was hanging out in the hotel a lot during the day when no one was there, because our sound stage was, because of the incident that happened last time, I'm not staying a block from the soundstage. Yeah, they know that they can't. playing. They don't know. I said that. Well, whatever. The point is someone put limitations on you and that's the better way.

Yeah, good. Good. That's adult. I said, I want to be a block away. You made the adult decision to recognize you're not an adult at all. And you need to be close to base camp. You need to be a trot away, not a four-mile jog away. I'm staying at a hotel, a block away in a little industrial part. I don't even care. He should sleep in a sleeping bag at the soundstage. I would sleep in. If I'm doing this fast turnaround, I'd sleep in my dressing room. Okay. All right, but wait. So somebody recognized me that we all said, hello, nice people.

They were working hard during the day, and I was goofing around in between work. I get into the elevator with one of the housekeepers, and we smile at each other. And she says, is it you? And I go, not sure. And she goes, are you? And she said, and I don't think she meant to say it like this, but I liked how she said it. She said, are you in the TV? And I said, I am.

And she said, okay, good. And I said, good. Are you in the TV? The elevator left and I walked out and I thought, I am in the TV. That's where I've always wanted to be. Since 1985, I was like, I would like to be in the TV. I didn't think I would like to be off Broadway. No.

I wanted to be in the TV. you really are that's all I want to be you know what you're in the TV you know what else that box that New Girl is on every in flight

entertainment I mean you're in the TV in the plane I'm in the TV so okay so there you are you've been in the TV yeah

it's worked well for you yeah but now Daniel Day Lewis across the aisle but first I go to you Mr. G. you're feeling nervous you're there i love to watch you play you have in the past that i love to watch you play what do you do for real because then my okay so keep in mind this i'm gonna break down

and you know this i'm gonna keep in mind to the audience my guy in greenland who maybe has never flown you walk it you sit down you got six hours you maybe go to the bathroom here and there but then at the end when the beep goes on every maniac myself included stands up right away And then you just stand there for seven minutes. Well, that also happened with me and Daniel, standing essentially nose to the back of the head. Right there. Two maniacs, beep, we're up.

What do you do, Garrett? I think I would take a note from the interaction you had, and I would say, I don't know if you say Mr. Day Lewis. I would just say, just so, you know, I'm an actor. You have inspired me endlessly. Thank you. And what if he said, I've seen your work

and I can't see the inspiration? I'd be like... So what I do is very... I do very good work. I've seen you move on... in the TV. You move poorly. thank you i'd say have you seen my left foot that's what i do can i have your email

i like watching you play i like to watch you play i love to watch you play what did you do nothing the mat nothing interesting you want to know what it was in the end um i was thinking about it a lot and then i thought i fell asleep on the play I look over and that old codger's sleeping. And I was like, I'm watching Daniel Day sleep a little bit. And then I thought, we're all just sleeping. Then we got off. We're standing there for a second.

And that would have been the moment. Yeah. And I don't think he needs me to say it. Everybody in the world is saying to him, you're the best to you. To your day, Daniel. I love you. I've never seen a guy so good and stuff. certain performance.

When I watched, there will be blood. The greatest. Truly. I honestly think I came home and cried out of happiness of how much I loved him in that movie. Daniel Plainview. Just.

The best. The best. I don't think he needs some guy who looks like a background actor and the Sopranos to go, I like watching you play. You know, it's more for you than for him at this point.

And guess what? He's giving me enough. There's something nice about. That's what I thought. Our partnership, his deal that he's made with the world is he's going to fucking act his ass off. You know what? Honestly, I would have said. Enjoy it.

I would have said this. I love to watch you play. Hey, guys, everybody, enjoy the show. You know, life's full of those little moments when you're sending money and it can make a big difference. So why not do that with Zell? Gareth and I send money to each other via Zell. When we are in the hole to the other guy, the easiest way to do it is Zell.

We both use it. We both know that it works. Pay and or request. Request money. Send me some money via Zelle. Why? Because you owe to me, a little rat. Time to send me the money you owe me.

My brother, the great Danny J. And I do something for each other that, to us it's sincere and it's sweet we always send each other money as gifts and we do it randomly and we use zell we'll just every once in a while he'll get seven dollars and fifty cents from me with a big subject that says you deserve it and even though he sends me money back i know in his heart of hearts for a moment when he saw that seven dollars and fifty cents on a tuesday morning it's seven before work he thought my brother loves me and sure when he said he said he's me less back. Do I think my brother loves me less? Sure, maybe a little. Whether it's a big

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Hello. Hi, hello. Hi, hello. International School, can we get your name where you're calling from your age, please? My name is Tom. I am 16 years old and I'm from New Zealand. 16? Yes.

Our youngest caller ever, Tom. I would say so. Can you drive at 16 in New Zealand, Tom? Yes, you can drive, yes. All right, there we go. That's the end of the small talk. Well, Tom, welcome. excited to have our youngest caller.

What can two old, weird men help you with today? I just want to say I'm a huge fan of the podcast. I've been listening to the podcast every night while I've been in the award and you guys are just awesome. I love you guys. Thank you. I've been in the ward? Yes, yeah. Sorry, I'll explain my story.

So I'm a 16-year-old boy with OCD and I have recently been in a psych ward for a month and I'm not touchy about it so you can joke about it great it's very funny yeah very funny but I am going back to school in about a week and I really need a cool story

to tell people at school so that's my problem that makes a lot of sense so you don't want to say so explain if you don't mind time just as we get a sense the OCD, so it just got kind of bad and you needed to kind of reset maybe is it medication, is it some therapy and kind of help you out

a little bit. Yeah, yeah, a little bit of that, a little bit of everything and sort of just kind of hit a hard reset basically which is normal, but that's kind of like a weird thing to tell people when they ask where I've been at school. Especially at 16. Well, I'll tell you this at 47. I think what you're doing is the right thing. I think a hard reset at your age is brave as hell. Good work.

I think taking care of your, as Michael Ely and I call it, your mentals is the key to the game. Yeah, yeah. So, fuck, yeah, man. And I totally agree. Let's create a lie. Awesome.

Thank you so much. I don't think it's 16, you want to go back and say, what I'm doing is really mature, and I understand the way my brain works, and I'm trying to fix it. What do they know? Do the people at school know anything?

They just know you've been gone. I have three friends that are in on it and they know where I've been and the rest just know that I've been gone from school and they don't know anything. So Tom, when I was 15, I dropped out of school for a year, which was essentially my hard reset.

It was the 90s. So what I should have done is gone to a ward and actually got help, but what I did was stay up all that. We didn't do that then. We didn't do that. man, sit around and listen to Bob Dylan and go like, maybe there's something in these lyrics that can help.

But when I would see friends and they would go, why aren't you in school? And I tried to explain why it made it worse. So I did Starline. I would literally say that I was my twin, that I was not Jake, I was the twin. And because I didn't have it organized,

I was like, now I actually seem crazy. You didn't have a show to call it. I don't think having OCD and going to the ward makes you crazy. I think it means you're trying to get some help. And so I think we create something that here's my, here's the danger and here's the fine line. This can't go sideways on you and make it worse where you're like, what's going on? I was in a karate tournament and then somebody goes, fucking dude made that shit up about a karate tournament.

He's in a psych ward. Now where the dangers are. There is the pitfall of. the lie falling through and then but the truth is you're almost playing with house money because worst case people go he was in a psych word and he lied about it and it's like oh well he was in the right place he lied about being winning a karate tournament I'm glad he's getting help but here's what we tie it to no matter what Tom and here's the saving grace we tie it back to this podcast so if it goes if people find out and you said at the beginning we

didn't say it, but you go like, I'm not sensitive, but you could make jokes about it, which is an absolute game changer about your personality in a good way. Exactly. So that if somebody goes, Tom said, like, let's say this is just a bad pitch, but you had to go because you are a black belt in karate, Stephen Seagal hosted a private tournament in Russia for the top under 17 black belts. you went, you won the tournament and the final thing is you and Stephen

Seagal got in a karate match in a monk's dojo and you won and if people start to believe it for a while and then it's revealed to be a lie and people go like, he's fucking weird as hell they go, no, check out this podcast called We're Here to Help

It was all the joke that I plan Tom's hilarious He's amazing and people are going to go like I don't like him but that's fine Read our comments, half the people hate us. That just shows his real friends. Yeah, but also in real life,

especially when you get older, Tom, you're going to realize, who cares if people don't like you? You just need a few people to like you, and those are called your friends. The rest, who gives it shit? That is very true, and I think this will be a blip on the radar,

which is why you calling and wanting to have fun with it is good. I like that. I have a couple pitches. My first pitch, what do you like to do for fun, Tom? Like, you have a hobby? What do you do?

I play video games I skate I ride a motorbike I race motorbikes I collect Dragon Ball Z cards and I watch Dragon Ball Z So I would say one of two things

You could say you had to go To another country To compete in either a video game tournament A Dragon Ball Z trivia contest Something like that My first pitch without knowing your specifics was your parents entered you in a teenage cooking show and you are in a teenage cooking show

that is going to air in another country. You're not sure when, but you didn't win it, but you finished high up, but you can't say in which level you finished. My last pitch, and this would require us to hold on to this call for maybe months at this point, is Tom says he came to the States

to intern for his favorite. podcast, which is here to help. Yeah. And we, in the next couple intros, mentioned Tom how he's been helping on the show a little bit. So if anyone goes and actually wants to corroborate

it, we've set that lie. And then when you're far enough away from this event, you can then, we can then air it. And then if people find out who gives a fuck. So Gareth and Tom, what we could do if you like that one is we

could do, we could end this call now, do an intro the three of us, introduce our new intern from New Zealand that's got to take a little time off of school. Yes. And then we move on. Eventually, when this comes out differently, Tom, and you go like, I kind of am fine with the gag being over, then we release it. If not, we never release it.

Well, it's our last episode. Or when Tom graduates, we release it. If the worst case scenario, Tom, when you graduate in high school, we release it then. Or when you go, I don't care anymore, then we release it then. And I reckon we release it in two weeks. I reckon I'll go there for two weeks. And then I'll be like, I want to hear my voice on the podcast. Well, you'll hear yourself on this intro.

and then what we can do is we can let the lie bubble for maybe six weeks. You can call back in, let us know how it's going in that world since you've sort of said that. And then what we can do is then we can release it all in a chunk in like seven weeks or something. That's perfect. Okay, so now Tom, we're going to put you to work. We are going to do an intro for Monday's show. In the middle of it, we are going to introduce the. that we are doing something new, and that is through a Patreon contest.

Yes. We have found and we are doing something, and we have hired an intern, a guy who's interested in podcasting, who's going to spend a month with the production and learn how it all works and that his parents have agreed, so he's out of school for a little bit. It's going to be really fun for us, too. We're going to introduce you, Tom. Then we're going to get rid of you, Tom, so it feels very real. Areth and I are going to end the intro, and that's going to be it.

And then we will follow up with you soon after that. What do you want your role to be that you're going to be, as you're learning production on this, what do you want the, what you're bringing to the table? I don't know. Just an intern that... Not that you're 16. I'm 16. I don't know.

Okay. So then you don't really need anything. Here's what he's doing, Gareth. Yeah. He's just, he's a gap filler. He's checking emails. He's learning. He's interested.

He loves, he's a day one listener. Okay. All right. So. We'll bring you in. Oh, go ahead. We are. Hold on.

Tom, do you get the game we're playing? Yep, yep. Tom, do you like the game we're playing? Yes, I love it. Is this what you want to do? Yes, this is what I want to do. And. We are back.

Sweet Jesse here. The following is from an intro that originally aired on July 7th. Episode 186, I Ask the Questions, and I Love My Wife. So you got an email from a teenager in New Zealand named Tom, who is a day one listener, ride or die of the show. Had the episodes, everything, knows his stuff. And we, and he pitched us on an internship. And we were like 16.

But very specific. And it was, can I come out for a month? I have my own place to stay. And I just want to learn the ins and outs of the business. And I want to know all facets of it. So we kind of followed up and made sure his parents had okayed this. And this was not some sort of catfishing. and Tom was real.

Tom's parents were super into it, wanted to give him a break. This is from school. He got a month off, basically. But there was a version of, like, I'm not going to get into the weeds of it, but there was educational things involved. Yeah.

He wasn't drinking beer out here and gambling on horses. Not that we know. Yeah, but so let's bring on. So we have Tom. The first, the New Zealand Thunder. We're here to help. The New Zealand Thunder.

The first intern. Tom, welcome to the show. Hello, hello. How are we? Good, brother. How are you? I'm doing good.

I'm doing good. Just happy to be on the show. Happy to be the intern. How have you been enjoying your internship on we're here to help? I've been loving it. One of my first trips overseas, first time to America, and I've been loving it here. And I've got a place to stay. But you're pretty much, you're at the end of your internship with us for now, Tom.

We're going to keep using you for certain things. You've been over here. I'll do it online with him, yeah. Yeah, of course. But you've really been helping. You've been working a lot, learning a lot, and everyone has very positive things to say about you. Is it strange that the initial chapter is kind of coming to an end? because you're going back to New Zealand, back to school now,

and you're going to kind of... Yeah. Yeah, it feels weird, you know, like one day I was helping on a podcast with Jake Johnson, and now I'm going back to do... They're thrilled to. Also, Garthrolet's true. And get through, no, they're going to. Sorry, sorry, sorry.

He knows the bit. He knows the show. He's our Heather, baby. He's our Heather. Well, you've been awesome, dude. Everyone has great things to say about you. Yeah. We wish you luck going back to school.

We're going to miss you. crazy. But you're also not done with us. Obviously, as we've all talked about, we're going to keep emailing and figure stuff out, Tom. You're a hard worker. You've got a bright future ahead of you. Thank you, Tom, for all your hard work. And save trip back and enjoy yourself. You'll be missed. Anyways, Jake. Thank you. Without further adieu. Tom, what do you think? That was awesome. That was perfect. I'm going to start the light. Amazing. So what we'll do, Tom, is we're not going to release the episode until we get a follow-up from you.

And if we don't get a follow-up, we're not going to release the episode. All right, buddy. Okay. Okay, that sounds perfect. All right, yeah. Good luck back at school, man. You did the right thing. All right. Thank you. Bye, bud. Hello. Hello.

Hi. Welcome to the show. Thank you so much. Is this Garrett? This is. How are you? Good. How are you? Good. Good. Thank you. Thanks for taking my call. You're very welcome. Thanks for calling in. Jake's here, too. What's your name?

Hi. My name's Laura. Laura. Laura, where are you calling from? Virginia. Nice. And Virginia. God, I love Virginia. That's just the Blue Ridge Mountain. They're beautiful this time of here. That's great. How are you roughly? Virginia. What's the range here?

I'm sorry, could you repeat that? Give me your age, range, rough age? Oh, age range. Um, mid to late 30s. Okay. And Jake, I actually... I think I'm still a young adult. You are, absolutely. Uh, thank you. Jake, the person who came up with the question of what would your book title be was at

one of my shows recently. Yeah. And she reminded me of another one of her prompts, which maybe we'll try with you, uh, Laura, which is, If you had a boat, what would the name of the boat be? Ooh, that's a good one. Boat title. Yeah, the standard is like the minnow, right, for Gilligan's Isle, but no. You're not a young adult anymore, Laura.

I'm not a young adult at that point. No, if you're dropping Gilligan's Island boat references, you just aged up. I think, yeah, I think that if I, it'd probably be the sinker. Sure. Because we're, yeah, I don't know. Let's be honest. I don't know how to drive a boat. Well, that's why it's going down.

That's why it's sinking. Going down. So what can we do for you? What's going on? Okay. So here's my situation. I have a chronic and serious medical condition that you would never, ever know just by looking at me.

I look like a normal, healthy young adult when you look at me. Unfortunately, I am not. And so I do have, have to ask for, you know, extra time boarding airplanes. And in particular, I'm doing a lot of flying lately. And I get the sting guy so bad from people. I believe this. Yes. And I don't know if there's anything I can do about it.

There is. What I could do about it. We'll be able to crack this one. Yeah. We're going to crack this one. So, and then if we ask questions, and if there anything you don't like, just say pass. Do you mind telling us about what your condition is?

The reason I ask is, one, I'm a curious individual, and two, it might help. Sure, yeah, absolutely. So I do have a very rare form of cancer, and it is, you know, late stage, you know, stage four, but it is slow growing, which is good. So, you know, I got that going for me. But I was initially diagnosed in 2018, and so since 2018, I have had one of my lungs removed. I've had like a whole muscle group in my back removed.

And then it's like in lymph nodes and stuff. It's been in bones. And so it's just like the pain. And so I just need some extra time. Again, you would take a look at me and have zero clue. I totally get. And then I got a question for you, Laura. Does any of the edible marijuana help at all?

and I asked because when I was in high school, my aunt had cancer and she came to that she had stage four, and she moved into the house with my mom and I, and my mom and I were her nurses, and my mom for the first time said, I know you know where the weed is at your high school. This is the first time I'm asking, bring it home. I was like, yeah. So they were like going to the corner and be like two joints, and they're like, be cool. I'm like, literally my mom asked for it. But the weed helped her so much.

Yeah, well, in 2018, I did ask about that from my doctors, and they wouldn't even really talk to me about it at that time. I know it's, you know, things have evolved since then. But, yeah, I haven't gone that avenue. But, yeah, we'll see. And again, it's slow growing. It's not like I'm going to die tomorrow. But, you know, like, you know, 10 years, maybe.

I don't know. Who's just a day? But, yeah. Well, let's make sure that in those 10 years, you're not getting the goddamn stink guy from people. Now, Jake, you seem to respond very quick to the stink guy. It's because of the delay. I mean, people, when people fly, they're at their worst.

No, I'm going to tell you why it is, because people when they fly are so weird with lining up early these days. It's crazy. I was at a flight, and the person at the board and said, please everybody sit down you cannot form a line you're blocking the hallways Laura Gareth nobody moved they said guys he's on a mic he goes all you people who I'm talking to we have not called your zone sit down we there was this fake line of people

they were like zone two sit the fuck down you maniac I I had to, I really didn't want to be a fucking Karen or a Kevin, but I was like, I was going to start pulling those guys by their hair and say, sit your fucking ass down, you goofball. This is where fame is hilarious. You can't be real, you can't be your real self. I can't be 1990s, Jay. Yeah, you can't freak out like you should.

But it was insane. Same with baggage claim where you're like, what are you doing? When the bag drops, go get it. Yes. What are you doing? And so if that same. line of maniacs, they're like, I'm zone three. I will be first because I will not be checking my bag. Yeah. By the way, take a breath. You're being crazy. Yeah. If a woman walks to the front

and looks fine, they're going, my bag won't fit. Listen, chill out. It is nuts. I, um, breathe, you goofball. Well, let me, I, I have a pitch right off the bat. What is it? Um, well, I think, I mean, so Laura, are you getting on the plane first? That's what we're saying, right? Yeah, They're saying if anybody needs extra help. Okay. Yeah, yeah. Or it's me in like the 80-year-olds in wheelchairs and it just makes me look even worse when they're... I'm going to tell you.

Or it's you and people boarding with kids. Is that correct? Yes, that's correct. Here's the thing. I usually go before kids, though. I got one. I got one really fast. Go.

Bring a fake baby. What? No, she is cancer. She doesn't need the fake baby. Laura. She's beaten the fake baby. You get out. All you need to do is.

Jake, what if she gets caught? It would be hilarious. And then she goes like this on cancer, stage four. TSA? No, Jake, TSA would stop me every single time. That would be like a TSA. Well, you put it in your backpack. You put it in your backpack.

And then right before you get on, you wrap it up in a towel and they go, like, board and you go like, you shake it. And you go like, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. I, I, I look. It's not a good idea. It's not a good idea. But it's not. But it's an idea.

It's an idea. Hey, I'm writing it down, fake baby. Thank you. And then in the end, Laura, you're going to decide. And if you do fake baby, I won't judge you. I'll ask for video. I, uh, yeah. Look, it might just be worth doing it just for our socials, if that's cool with you.

By the way, and if it's not you, somebody listening, somebody try fake baby on a plane. I think we're saying fake baby. And do it to the point where the flight attendant afterwards gives you the wings and goes, that baby was so quiet. I know. They're amazing. Without the whole, the baby, the whole flight. No, put it in the backpack and put it in the overhead.

I don't love the last part. Put it in the overhead. I don't love the last part. I'm jumping ship on a bitch I wasn't on ship for earlier. Laura. Nobody would ask about it because, you know, it's too weird. It's too weird. They're going to be like, this person has their own issues.

We're not going to bother. I started following this guy on Instagram who like on planes eats raw shelled eggs and films the reaction of people. people next to them. It is our worst, but man, it is entertaining to watch people next to him. What the hell is he doing right now? The amount of people filming themselves doing pranks and content, it's enough. It's enough. We have to stop filming ourselves. We just, it's, I don't know. It's enough. I, I, we should shut the internet down for a month and see what happens. But either, Laura, look, you have the best excuse in the book. So if I were you,

I would load myself up with the fight for life stuff. Ribbons, I would make sure that that's on the jacket. I would go pink hat. I would do something like that. I think that is going to, that's going to elicit enough out of people to be like, they can't get mad at you. So, Laura, that's a winning pitch,

but I think we can go more comedic than that. But if you have a cancer button, ribbon, no one can say anything. Pink hat. You're right. But I wouldn't go that direction, and I'll tell you why. Because the stink eye you're getting from people, they're out of line. I agree.

They have no idea what they're talking about. If you're giving somebody a stink, you don't even know why you're giving stink eye. Everybody has an opinion now. I would lean into if someone gives you a stink eye, consider going, can I help you? And they go, walk me through this, Gareth. So you're the person in line giving me stink eye. people who need special assistance go ahead now here we go hey can i help you huh no there's you're giving me stink i can i help you ginger

i'm actually uh let me tell you this honey i got stage four cancer i have olive skin i have olive i'm not red i have beautiful jet black hair you're pretending to be a cool guy from sopranos that's not how you look babe hey hold on my baby's crying That wouldn't work Laura, that would go sideways Well, here's what I want you to do I love all of it But here's what I want, Laura

And I mean this seriously Gareth is right that if you got a sticker That's going to work My kind of thought is And pardon the people who listen with kids in the car But fuck these people I agree I'm so tired of

I'm not kidding, I was waiting in line They were all standing there I was watching this line. The flight of thing was saying, please sit down. They weren't moving because of some fictional line they created in their head about being at the top of Zone 3. Well, the other thing about my pitch is that it's like maybe you don't want people to have this insight into it's your private business.

You don't. Weird walk. Weird walk. I actually thought about, I have thought about like faking a lint before. But I would push it. I feel bad about it. No. I have thought about it.

Laura, you got stage four cancer. You don't have to feel bad about anything. So you're allowed to, in my opinion, but don't just do a little limp. Do like a whole weird shimmy. Are you doing, are you doing wheelchair to get on? No, I'm not. And I'm like, I really am like, again, physically you would have no clue. By the way, if you wanted, you could do one.

Don't do the wheelchair. Then you got to get out of the person work in there. You got to deal with them. I got one. I got one right now. Neck brace. Get a neck brace once you go through security toss it on. I had another one even easier than neck brace. I patch.

Can I go a little further? I patch neck brace. And might I say when you're on the plane and everyone's boarded, take them off and tell the person next to you what's going on. It's a good conversation starter. How about this? How about this? Cazoo.

And I'm not even joking. For what? What? When they call it, just go like, make the weird sounds. I'll tell you why. Everyone's going to go, Jesus Christ, look who's on our plane.

She's a maniac. Then when you sit down to your normal, they go, I thought we were going to have a lot of problems with her. Okay, here's another one. You get an audio file on your phone, and when you get up to board, you just press play, and it's a loud groan. Like, it pains you to stand.

And it's just like a drop. How about this? When they do your thing, run up like you're a contestant on the prices, right? Where you go like, yeah, woo! You're first, baby. And you go like, I'm first.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And so people give you the stinker, and they'll give you more of what is going on with that maniac? Also, here's another one. Have a hanky and just keep dabbing your eyes like there's tears, like you're emotional. Or, you know, it could be really good, Laura. Fake a phone call where you go,

as you're walking up, you're on the call and you go like this. You cheated? Well, what about the kids? Roger. And what about the kids, Roger? And then you go, we have seven kids? With my mother? There are options for if you want to get, if you want to elicit sympathy, if you want to just seem like a loon. Or if you want to go straight with the cancer button. Yeah. Or if you just want to straight forward, just be like, here it is. I mean, honestly, if you're flying a lot, you might just want to employ a couple just to see what happens. Actually, Laura, what are you thinking?

What are you thinking? So first off, love the energy, love, love the ideas. I've made a list and it's epic. So what I do like is, I do like the idea of like the ribbon or a button or something, you know, can't hurt. Yeah. I also really like the idea of not giving a fuck. Now we're talking. Yeah.

So I could work on that. That's a me thing. I got to work on. Or just being like, hey, can I help you? You know, you okay? Like if they would give me the stink eye Hey stink eye, we good? But yeah, exactly.

What about a shirt that says, hey, stink eye, you good? How about this? A hat that says, hey, stink eye, you good. And the second you start getting it, you pop it on and give people a glare. Yeah, if they look at you, you look at them and then they can see. Oh, I love it. Yeah, a hat that says, why the stink guy? Yeah.

Oh, okay. Right? And you know what? Why is a stick guy? Put the pink ribbon on the hat. Yes. Oh, I love it. Yes.

Okay. I got a pat maker. We have one. We got a hat maker. We'll talk to Leah about, yeah, we'll talk to Leah about making a hat and send it to you. We'll see how busy she is. I know she just had a baby. Here's up.

Now we have a good idea and it sounds like we're out of the woods and I'm still mentally pitching bad ideas and I'll tell you why, Laura, because I think these people are crazy and they deserve to deal with crazy? Yeah. Beeping sounds. Like there's some medical device. Who the fuck knows? I know if I'm standing there and somebody goes, I see like a lady.

Is cat here? Oh. Well, hold on. Am I supposed to take? Yeah. The beeping sound, I'm in an airport, remember, beeping sounds, bombs, airports, like they just don't, they don't dive. Laura, I mean more like this.

Gareth, give me the call in the early people in, and I'll be Laura. All right. And we'd also like to invite anyone who has any special assistance needs or anyone like that. Please board now. Blah. Blah. Oh. Okay.

Ma. Ba'a. It's a doubt. Everyone's going to go. Oh, God. Like I'm a forklift backing up. They're going to look at each other and go, holy shit, I got three out. Once you get in your seat, what's up, Matt, right, man?

Once you get in the seat. Am I supposed to be here? Sure. Yeah. Hi. I've just been listening, laughing my ass off. So we're right almost near the end on this, Kat. Laura has a rare form of cancer.

She is stage four, but doesn't show from the outside. Okay. She looks totally fine. When she goes to board a plane, she needs a little extra time for her goddamn body. Guess what? Nobody's business but hers. Wow. She gets a lot of stink eye.

So we're pitching either get a little ribbon that says a, you know, cancer survivor. Then we're talking about getting a hat that says, why, the stink eye. And we're just kind of going in that direction. Laura, where are you leaning right now and what are you thinking of doing? What? Big fan of the hat that says why the stink eye. That would be probably my number one.

Okay. And yeah, my number two being not giving as much of a fuck. Okay. I'm just getting over it. I really thought number two was going to be the beeping. Are you out of your mind? No. You thought that the loud beeping based off of when you sounded like a dying bird

was going to sell her. I truly in my heart of thoughts thought she was going to go love the hat and the beeping and I think we're good and I was going to go. She pushed back on the beeping immediately. Laura, did you push back on it? Yeah, she was like, it's an airport, bombs, all this stuff. Well, yeah, I was just, but I didn't understand that it would be more like of a forklift,

not like a, you know, bomb going off. That's what I figured happened. Yeah. I'm sorry. I love the idea that you're differentiating the bomb beep and the fourth. You know, in my experience, the beep is important. The beep is important. I think those are great.

I think we can try to get. you the hat, and I wouldn't be afraid to carry around an eye patch and a neck brace every now and then if you're feeling a little spicy. I mean, those carry-ons can get tight, but a neck brace can pop in there real easy. Also, it could be a pillow if you need it. Laura, I'm writing a letter to Leah right now. That's an email. Thank you.

About the hat. Will you email your address, and then we can connect you to her, and we're going to get your hat. And what did you want the hat to say? Why the stink eye? Yeah. I think, yeah, that was the consensus. but I do trust your creative direction.

Okay. Entirely. I like why the stink guy. And then if anybody else wants a why the stink guy hat, go to our, I guess we're going to make why the stink guy merch. Can I see? She makes one. She can make more.

Go ahead. And maybe, I was quick. Perfect. As opposed to making it a question mark. How about turn down the stink guy or easy thing guy? Oh, don't hate that. Easy stick guy. Easy time.

Just something to see more of a stink guy. Oh. And less worse. Would you say. Easy, comma, capital, S, stink eye? Yes. Like it's a person, like a proper noun. Easy Stinkye.

What about Stinkai Jones? Easy Stinkai Jones. No. Don't make it cute. Don't make it too far. Don't make too far. Stinkai. How about F.U.

Stinkai? No, now you're getting confrontational. Yeah. How about just stink guy? No. No, then it's you. You're stink guy. Yeah.

She's the stink guy. Yeah, yeah. You don't want to be stink. That's why she's boarding early. She's got stink guy. And then you go, I'll go, I'll rather she has anything, but you imagine stinking eyes. Do I patch at a hat that says stink guy? Cazoo?

In a kazoo. Jesus Christ. If you get a stink eye hat, do not wear the eyepatch. That's such a gross combo. No good. No good. Or do I? Is that the perfect?

That's right. I got to say, if you walk in with an eye patch, that's all you need. If someone's bored in early and I go, the fuck she seems fine she turns out of an eyepatch i go after you ma'am there's real power in adding an ipatch whatever you need to the easy stink guy hat now lord do you like easy stink guy because we're going to pull the trigger on this comma do we like do we like easy comma stink eye or do we like why the stink guy what about why the stink guy comma capital stink eye

no no stop it Jake yeah you're she's wearing a hat you're putting another hat on yeah what is it's in a sweatshirt like easy what if it's like easy there stink eye easy there comma sting guy or something like easy there stink guy

love it and I only put it on when I'm getting the stink guy and I put that puppy out and then you make eye contact with them and then you take the hat off and then I wink I also don't be afraid to have the ribbon on the hat when you if you feel like it i think that's a nice that's a one-two combo right

there yeah so the hat is going to be we have locked in laura say it what do you want the hat we don't give a fuck oh oh i'm sorry she's taking a turn understood i misunderstood okay um easy there comma stink guy easy and do we want the easy there's capital think capital and we're doing two words for stink I or stink dash I with a capital E. Get that dash out there. Make a one. Yeah, one word. So you want,

you want S-T-I-N-K proper. Lowercase one word, E-Y-E. Stinky. Stink-E? Stink-E. Stink-E. That looks weird to me. I don't know because I can't read.

Yeah, he's, I don't know how to read words. So we're going to. there with easy there stink i'm into it laura is there anything else we can help you with no you guys are perfect thank you all right thank you please post it we were very invested so let us know when you get the hat how it's going and keep us updated on how you're doing you know what and i'll get a kazoo as a backup and yeah i'll send you thank you thank you dokey all right laura take care thanks lord Bye. This episode is sponsored by Kachava.

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adopts you, takes you in. So Kachava does that. Right now, we're going through the new strawberry flavor phase in our house that it's really working. I'm a protein shake guy, as Steve Berg says, got to get your powder then. It's a real quote, he has said. You've never tasted strawberry like this. Go to kachava.com and use code here to help for 15% off your next order. That's Kachava. K-A-C-H-A-V-A-com code here to help for 15% off. Hello. Hello, how are we? Oh, good.

I recognize that voice. Come on. I'm doing really good. It's Tom here from New Zealand. What's up, brother? New Zealand. Yeah, what's up? How are you guys doing?

It's been a while since we've recorded. So we remember you. We love you. What was your first call, Tom? Was it the old lady? harassing you? No, no, that's an English guy. Okay.

No, I had a, I had been in a psych ward that needs to be. I'm our intern. Tell me our intern. Yeah, I'm your intern, yes. Wow. Yeah, dude. So remind the audience everything, because we haven't told anybody anything. I was just going to say.

I don't think. No, we haven't, yeah. Well, first of all, what happened then? So I had been in a psych ward and, um, And I needed a really cool story to tell at school. So we made up the story that I'd been an intern. And it went pretty well. I went to school and I told everyone that I'd been in America.

And I even edited, like, I did some really bad Photoshop photos and put them up on my Instagram. Great. And, yeah, everyone believed it. But what actually ended up happening is school wasn't working out for me. So I've actually left school and I've applied for a barbering course. Okay, great. I'm actually working at my parents' bar. Great.

That's fine. Yeah, yeah. I mean, did you feel like it sort of at least got the conversation out of the way so people weren't bothering you with, like, a lot of follow-ups and all that shit? Yes, you can 100% ring the bow. It definitely worked. And so, yeah, I would say for sure ring it. Yeah.

And so long and short of it, just out of a human thing, you went back to school, there was no weirdness about the psych ward, but. As a person in your life, you realize this isn't for you. You want to trade. You want to start working and just start your life. Yeah, I realize I just, all I want to be is a barbers. I realize I want to go straight and doing my trade and get it down and over with. How are you feeling overall?

How's the mental health? How are you doing? It's much better. Okay. It's really, really better. I'm feeling much better. I'm getting better, doing all the therapy, and everything's working. Great.

Carreth, how's your mental health? I'm back and forth. Same. It depends on the day. For your life, I love it, man. For the show, I love that it worked. Are you comfortable with us releasing all this? Yes, I would love it.

You guys have really helped in my healing process. It made me feel more confident about myself. Great. And go kick ass and cut in as a barber. And Gareth, when are you going to be in New Zealand? I will. I don't know. Maybe next year. Maybe next year. If so, yeah. Well, if you ever come to Christchurch, come to Smash Palace.

It's my appearance bar and it's the best bar in Christchurch. So, yeah, sure. Yeah, I'll do all that. I'll get a firm. I'll have a beer. Are you referring to a barbershop as a bar? No, no, no. It's a real bar. A, like, drinking bar. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But why not a bar where you give haircuts and call it bar-bur? terrible because everybody's drinking. That's a good point.

I think it's great. Everybody's drinking looking at the hiccup. I don't think that's a lot. No, you got scissors, you got moving heads, you got jumping moments, you'll have eyes. I want you to take the day and think about it. Tom, we appreciate it. Jake will get back to you.

No, don't worry. We got it. All right, Tom. All right, I'll put a hundred thousand dollars into it. Okay, don't keep, buddy. We're back. 50% of the company. Not a problem.

Bye, buddy. Thank you for the call, man. Thanks. Sweet Jesse here, this next call is a follow-up to episode 187, The Man in the Iron Hair. Hello. Oh, hello. Hello, hello. Hello, hello.

Welcome back to the show. This is a follow-up, but we do not know who you are or what the follow-up is. So could you tell us your name, recap what your problem was, and let us know what happened. Yes, cool. So I'm Rebecca. I called in about my uncle who has the worst homeover helmet. Oh, yeah. Love this call. Yeah. Here's the guy in China who goes from back to front. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Exactly. Yeah. And what did we pitch, Rebecca? You pitched that when he comes to visit for the summer in London. Convertible. I would, well, no, the one we went with was taking him on a boat on the tent.

You're the same pitch. Yeah. Same idea. And then going like, whoa, you look so good. Get him gusty. Yeah, precisely. Yeah. Unfortunately, when he was in London, I was either working or away.

And my mom was keen on trying it and then ultimately completely chickened out. Yeah, I get that. But yeah But when the episode came out I was so excited I told like literally everyone I knew and my very very very good friend

Actually can I change that to Ryan Can you bleep out He asked me not to use his name He listened to the episode And he has been struggling with losing his hair for quite a few years None of us had really said anything about it And he listened to the episode

And was inspired and he shaved his head. That's a bell ring, isn't it? Yeah, that is a bell ring. He just said... How does he look? He looks good. He looks really good.

It had been like clinging on. He went to, he lived in Glasgow and he went to a barber. The barber said to him, like, ah, you're going to have to come to terms of this at some point. Like a surgeon. Yeah. So, yeah, he had the... episode with Justin Long and he was like,

ah, maybe this is me. Maybe I need to do this. I think I really do believe that if you're on the line and it's starting to go, just shave it. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, I think also when you're the comb over that this is what I would pitch. If I were you, the next time this guy comes to town, I would bring the friend in as a sort of feel-good story.

about this as well and maybe bring it up in front of our back-to-front Comer. It might be another way, and then you could even do it on the Thames. You could do it in a convertible going up a hill. But I think that might be a way to continue to try to get another round out of this.

Yeah. Yeah, definitely. Or maybe he's killing it in China. Maybe. Yeah, maybe it's... And then my mom said that she has a theory. I don't know if I buy it, but if my uncle has this budgie that he adores and the budgie sits on his head.

Buddy? Yeah. Budgie, like a little bird. Oh, I thought you meant like a buddy, like a friend. And then I got thrown when you said he likes sitting on his head. Wait, wait. What is he? Is it a bird?

Yeah. Do you know, do you call budgey something different? When I think of a budgie, I think it's Steve Berg. Yeah. Yeah, cockatoo. Little bird. Budgie, buddy. A little budgie.

Get that budgie on the line. Buddy, budgie, I am here for you whenever you need it. I want that budgie to sit out in my head and I want to be bawled in. Hello, hello. Hello, hello. So I had blueberries this morning. I had blueberries. Oh, okay.

That's a little cockatoo. Yeah, a little cockatoo. Yeah. A budgie. I don't have to be a cockatoo. Small amount of cockatee. Anyway. By the way, calling a bird of budgey is one of the greatest things you've ever heard.

Yep. You're not getting away with that one. I'm going to literally be walking outside in Siemens tree. you can go like this. Look at that, a tree full of budgies. A bunch of budgies. Ah, a budgie shit on me last night. That's good luck. You got to make sure people know who a budgie is by the judge.

Nope, they don't. Okay, Jake walks away. We also call, we call Speedo's budgie smugglers. Yeah, budgie smuggler, I know. I didn't know that. Yeah. But okay, so wait, what about his little head budgie? Well, it likes to sit on his head.

So my mom thinks that maybe the hair is to protect his head. Maybe it's for the budgie. No, he's not growing. He's not living his life 24 hours a day looking like that in order to just make the bird more comfortable. You know, my dad, I'll tell you, Crocko had a little budgie in his house. Is that right? Yeah, he had a cockatoon named Cleo. The plot never stops thinking.

He let that budgie fly around, no cage, and that budgie shit everywhere. You'd go to his house. There would be bird poo on curtains, and I'd go like, hey, dad, there's bird poo all over the table. And he would go like, yeah, that's where she's going. Yeah, that's scary. You want some bacon soda from the fridge? It would, like, land on you at weird times. You'd be, like, watching TV, and all of a sudden, bird claws would hit you, and you'd be like,

ha, Doc! And you'd like, hey, hey, she's Cleo saying hello. I was like, oh, see, I thought I was being attacked. because I'm not used to things coming from above landing on me at weird times. And if I was bald, I would take the header from the back and push it to the front. I just wish we had a camera of the Crocko era. Me too. This Crocko era.

I wish we had cell phones. But, Rebecca, this is all really great. This actually is a pretty good update because we help that. We help your friend whose name we don't know. Yeah, Ryan. Yeah, he's pretty happy. Yeah, he should be happy. It's going great.

and he's back he's back and then whatever's happening in China's happening in China yeah and at least four people new people are listening to this podcast because of the hair so it's all good

I would say right now my guess is internationally because that's where our show is it's an international show believe it or not we do have fans everywhere we've got one guy in Greenland where is he by the way

ditching us Reach out. Here's what I will say to our balding community. Shave it and take a photo before and after. Or may I make another pitch? Yeah. Do the front comb over and let's have a look see. Let's have a look see. Let's start.

To any person out there who is balding and is at that crossroads, we all know the crossroads. Yeah. You go, there's a lot of glare, hymns ain't working, the weird powders aren't working. that little foam ain't working, it's over. Before you do the shave, take a photo with hair, take a photo back to front, which we are going to call the budgie landing. Yeah.

Give us the budgie nest. Give us the budgie nest. Then shave it. We'll post all three on social. Thank you. Well, Rebecca. If we could create a look, by the way. Oh, Halloween idea.

Budgie. Nest. Go with budgy nest. So all you have to do is take your hair from the back. It's such an easy costume. You take your hair from, if you last second, you don't have a costume, you're like, God damn it. Take all your hair, push it forward and you go, they go, what are you? Budgie Nest. What's that? We're here to help. What's weird to help? Podcast? About what? The guy in China? The guy in China? It's the budgie nest. And then by that point, they've moved on.

I think it's a great idea for Halloween. I also think, If you are going to go, Razor, please give us, give us the glory. Yeah, give us the budgie. Give us the budgie nest. Let us have a look. And Rebecca, thank you for calling. Thank you for the follow-up. And I'm not kidding.

I think you can still, we could still get it shaved. I really do. I wouldn't love him to be on the phone at some point. Oh. That's the dream. I would do video with that son of a bitch. Well, we got to get him on the Thames boat or get him in. We got to get them.

Are we going overseas? Is the first we're here to help adventure? We go to China. We go to China. We intervene. The show is called shaving the bungee nest. Shaving the bungee. We're here to help international journey.

We're here. It's on the travel channel. We're like, what is happening? So this is the shaving the bungee tour. So we're here to shave the bungee at the passport. We're here to shave a bungee. Excuse me, sir. He's like, hello.

He's over there. He's over there. Sir, you have a bungee? Yes. We have to shave the bungee landing. No. All right. I guess this should have been planned, but we probably should have didn't think much about this.

Head home. All right. We're out of here. There's a lot of tension on the flight back. And we can't interview anybody here because they all speak Chinese. We're not talking about a flight back. I'm in business here in coach. I'm thinking through the current.

We got it in our event. Me and Coach is amazing. All right, Rebecca. Thanks for the call. Thanks for the follow-up. I appreciate you. Thank you. Bye.

We're here to help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question at helpful pod at gmail.com. And if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here to Help, you can go to our Patreon at patreon.com slash here to help pod to see our entire catalog. We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grimm Productions. Executive producers Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter, and Natalie Hollis, Associate producer Jesse Thurston, editing mix and master by Chris Fowler. The theme song by Oliver Raleigh.

The cover artwork is by James Fostike, animations by Andrew Strelecki. And if you'd like to see Gareth, you stand up on the road, go to Gareth Reynolds.com. Remember all of the advice given on we're here to help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions. All video episodes of season one are available now on Patreon,

and season two video episodes will be available every Monday starting January 20th. Go to patreon.com forward slash here to help pod.