We're Here to Help - 220: So What I'm a Sex Machine & A Chip Gaines Type

Episode Date: October 20, 2025

Gareth and Jake get involved in 32oz of family drama. Then, they help a caller repurpose a leaky old fridge. Plus, the follow-up to Ep 195 "It's a Parade (with Ty Burrell)."See images from the episode here: http://www.heretohelppod.com/post/episode-220Want to call in? Email your question to [e-mail]: https://patreon.com/heretohelppodMERCH: heretohelppod.comINSTAGRAM: @HereToHelpPodIf you’re enjoying the show, make sure to rate We’re Here to Help 5-Stars on Apple Podcasts.Visit gemini.google/students to learn more and sign up. Terms apply.Advertise on We’re Here to Help via Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Two out And we are back Jake You know I got something Gareth Okay The great Lenin

Parham is going to be on a show soon Or we're going to release this after Right I love her Yes Awesome We did mix together

She is so talented So funny Such a fun hang But I need your take on something. Sure. How you would take this. You know me.

I'm not the most social cat in the world. Right. I don't like to go to parties or do the thing anymore. I'm too old. It's just not my thing. I just got an invite last minute to a dance party birthday for Lenin. Oh, dance party. No, but hold on.

The day she's coming to record. This is a fall. You think? She's only inviting because we're about to see each other and she's afraid I'm going to call her out because I know she likes me. I like her. We text a lot. But she wasn't going to invite me to the dance party and I wasn't insulted.

But then she went, oh, fuck, I'm doing, uh, I'm going to see that son of a bitch. If it comes up, I can't, he'll, he'll be weird. I write her, am I being Larry David here? is real? I think you might be right. And I think that, and I think she's right to not invite you because what are you going to do

at a dance party? What would you do at a dance party? Not go. Are you a dancer, Gera? No. You dance. I could actually see either answer. Look, if you get a bunch of liquor in me, something's going to happen.

I agree. And it might look like it's coordinated. Are you a karaoke guy? No. Neither. Why aren't you a karaoke guy? I think if you spend as much time performing in front of people as I have, it just, I don't want to do it. I don't care.

Are you a Halloween guy? No, because I used to do kids' birthday parties. Right. And it was costumes for years. And then so Halloween to come around and I'd be like, I want to be in Massivis. Right. I don't want to do this. No.

And the older you get, the more you're just. I'm just like, no. I will say for people who do what you and I do for a living, it blows my mind when they want to do karaoke. Oh, I can't get. How much goddamn attention do you need? No, it's, we get enough. I also can't stand being around karaoke because I'm like,

there's just, it just is, I don't know how it has ended up becoming a mainstay. It's loud, it's weird, it's not. even weirder than the thing you're pitching, which I've been at, those little private rooms. Yeah. That's madness. You got six people. I think that makes more sense to me than the randomness in a bar. You ever go to the bar and someone's doing karaoke eight times and they're like a good singer

and you're like, what is this? I didn't pay to see this. This is crazy. I wouldn't pay to see this. That's why I haven't. You're forcing me to. Yes, this is gunpoint. But I think what's crazier to me is the small room and I'll tell you why.

because it's the kind of group you should just be getting dinner and talking with but instead of getting dinner and talking you're all sitting staring forward holding a cocktail watching somebody go like, Tonight's the night. I'm like, well you're not a good singer.

If you were, we wouldn't be in this room. You're trapped. You know what it feels like adult birthday parties? You're like, you're 38 years old, it's all about you, baby boy. I also think that might have something again to do with what we do because I could not

give a shit about my birthday fun fact I've been convincing Steve that my birth that he doesn't he does not know my birth date because every year this is going on 20 years

I convince him whenever he gets it right that he's wrong and so he knows he hovers in a week and he'll be guessing dates that are three days prior when is the B day? November 27th.

Coming up. So he will go. So funny. Like November 23rd, he'll go, got you this year. And I'll go, busted. And he's always thrown him off the scent.

Every now and then he gets it right. And I go, it's tomorrow, big guy. And he goes, oh, almost. You know, Max Greenfield did something really funny. He and I always try to fuck with each other with press,

It's probably like when we work together, we did it all the time, but we still do it. And we'll forget. So there'll be a period I'll forget. And he did, I think Mario Lopez or something like that. He was on some show. And he said, I just want to wish my man, Jake Johnson, a happy 50th birthday. But he and I hadn't been texting that much. So I just didn't, all of a sudden, one day I get on Instagram, and there are so many messages.

And I'm like, literally I felt like, what happened? and they're all saying happy 50th but I didn't even get what I was reading because it was like not even near my birthday I'm not fit I was like what am I was like 50 what and then I saw the clip I died that's a good one I was like

that's a really good one where he was like I don't know if you know this guy but my coaster on it just had a big birthday he's 50 and Mario Lopez is like well then happy 50th birthday to Jake Johnson and Max is like yeah

and I was like what a great way just to stick a knife in my side while I'm asleep I was like oh that's that's what press is for

that's why that's what presses for and when it works that way it is fun go ahead so well let's bring you back to Lenin are you going to mention this

you know me of course I would and what are you going to suggest that this was a last minute invitation because of the show and she knows

charity yeah charity can i make a suggestion i would love it if you did why not come at it instead of the confrontation mode say you're really excited for the dance party you love to dance and you got the invitation late but better late than never no because i think what that does to her i'll tell you why Lennon and I are buds, she would go, happy if he comes. I think she would be happy if I came and did the dancing and got into it. I just think when she was putting her list together, she's not thinking about me. I agree. That's why I think we might see a shade of surprised at your reaction.

Yeah, but what I don't want her to do is I don't want her to do this. Yeah, you know, I forgot to put you on, but I'm really glad I did because we're going to have a blast. You know what it reminds me of? Fake lunches. Like going to school and, you know, people bring you, this is a tough example without getting too personal. But like, you know, extra like bag lunches for you because they don't think you have enough food at home.

Uh-huh. Where you're like, I don't need your bag lunch. It was one day I forgot to bring a lunch. That idea of like, it's, nice, but I don't need you bagludge, baby. That's what I'm going to come out confrontational with. Can I suggest you start with that line? It's sloppy without telling the whole story, and I'm not telling the whole story.

Yes. So I got caught up in something and just had to finish. Yeah. I think that's, I think there's a game, maybe there's a game we can do in trying to get her to admit that. do you want me to be shocked i'll play like i don't know and i'll be like inviting jake no no no no you've admitted my acting's improved well let's see you do it i'll be lennon you be gareth all right um i'm in the middle of a pitch she's funny and does she's a character so she'll be in the middle of a thing so let's say the character she's like so anyhow we got to do

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Hello. Hi. Hi. Welcome to the show. thank you can we get your name where you're calling from please yes my name's Ramona and I'm calling from Portland Oregon lovely Ramona how old are we Ramona 27 27 what's up Ramona what can we help you with so I got married in this past year and we got a lot of wedding gifts from people and my uncle sent us our wedding gift over Amazon.

And it saved our address on his Amazon account. And he accidentally sent us 40 pounds of baking soda to our house one. And we were somehow able to figure out it was him who sent this. And then after that, I mean, do you want to do it now? Do you want to do it now? What the, what? What? 40 pounds.

Why do you need 40 pounds of baking soda? I mean, they sell that it by the ounce. How big of a case? What are you doing? That's fake Coke. He said it was for laundry detergent. It seems like a year supply of it. 40 pounds.

He's washing his clothes and be. By the way, he might be right on that. I'm listening maybe. All right. Keep going. Okay. Okay, so he sent us the baking soda. We figured out it was him and we sent it back to him.

And about two weeks after that, we come home late one Friday night. And there's an Amazon box for us, and we open it, not knowing what it is, the label is covered. And it was a 32-ounce bottle of personal lubricant. And it was also from him, we discovered. It's for laundry. Obviously. So we didn't know what to do with it because he's my uncle. He's like 60 plus years old.

He's still alive. We're lost. So we tell my sister and her husband, and we all agree that we should just get. get rid of it and pretend that it never happened to avoid embarrassment. I get it. What does that mean get rid of it? You guys divide it up. You each get eight ounces?

Yeah. It's eight ounces to do with what they want. No, we really just threw it out. I could not picture it being my uncles. Okay. So what are we calling Uncle what? Uncle Gareth? Uncle Greasy.

Uncle John. Uncle John. Uncle John. Okay. Okay. So Uncle John, we all get the premise. He's accident. Yeah, his Amazon's going to your house.

He sent you a big old thing a lube. You threw it out. I can hear the comments right now saying, let the man have his lube. But that's not what this show's about. We're on Ramona's side, and Ramona and her family decided to throw it out. So save your comments.

Thank you. I appreciate you that, Jake. You're welcome, Ramona, because we're with you. And don't get discouraged if somebody goes like, let the man have lube he's only 62 Ramona don't read it yeah well look we're very pro lube but i he put you at a predicament so i think i don't want my uncle's lube coming to my house i don't either i think you honestly you probably did the right thing but obviously there's more to this story so i can't wait to find out how this escalates so what happens next

well uncle john asked us about the package about two weeks after we disposed of it So we, yes, we said that it was stolen because we had other packages stolen. Hold on, Ramona, Ramona, Romona, Romano, Romano, Romano, Romano. How did he ask about that? He texted us asking if we got a package by accident and we said no. And then he sent a photo of the package on our porch. You guys want us to see that text? Yes, I do.

Very much more than anything. More than anything. Oh, boy. So it's very clearly on what I'm assuming is your porch. And Uncle John says, hi, a bit awkward. By the way, awkward, spelled awkward. But I think a box got shipped to you guys. It's spelled A-C-K-W-A-R-D.

Yeah. Acquard. Got shipped to you guys at August. Unless he's from Wisconsin. Accord. Do you guys still have it? Thanks. And then he sent the delivery photo.

He also does a thing my mom does what really is wild to me. Yeah. No punctuation. Also, he won't send the text And then the next line He sends it all in like paragraph form Yeah, but my mom does this She'll send me a paragraph text

There's no commas There's no periods There's no caps I read it as it is It's like a weird sprint And when I finish I go like That's madness You think she's doing voice to text?

No, I know she doesn't know how to do that Yeah Who's got time to put a perioded I guess, yeah, Eve. People who want to communicate. Eve. People who want to communicate. So she just wants that chore to be over.

Yeah, it's over. It's like, I don't care if they can't understand it. I'm sending it. Well, I shouldn't be able to understand it so I can respond. That'd be nice. Yeah, Ramona. So Uncle Johnny sends you this text about the box. What do you do?

The Loub's gone. The Loub is gone. We say that it was stolen and we think that the story was bought. Okay. And all is well. And then my brother-in-law works with my father, which is its own separate episode that we don't have, hopefully. But they work together. And he makes an inappropriate work joke when he receives an Amazon package.

And my dad asks, what is it, sex toys? And my brother-in-law instead responds, no, it's Uncle John's lube. And my dad realizes this is gold information to make fun of his little. brother with. We know that my dad is going to tell the entire family, like 30 plus of us all together. There's no way he'll hold it in after a couple drinks. Of course. So we're just on damage control and we're wondering, like, how do we get ahead of this with

Uncle John to protect him from, like, public humiliation? This is really tricky, Ramona. Uncle John's wife is also a character in this, right? Yes. She is his third wife. We like to call them the saints in my family because they're saints for marrying into it. And we love her. She's perfect. And I also don't want her to feel any humiliation. So, okay. So, all right. So the stakes are high because you know your father has the bullet in the chamber. At some point at an event, he'll have a few too many cocktails. He will say that everyone knows Uncle John ordered a 30, Two ounces of loom. Can I just say something? Yes.

What is embarrassing about having sex with your wife? It's not that. Well, first of all, it's, first of all, lube in general, it's easy to get on someone with lube. If you find someone's lube, it's funny. The amount of lube is shocking. So to have... 32 oz?

Yeah. It's a lot of lube. It was a large bottle. That's two pounds of lube. Two pounds of loo. Maybe it's going to take him 10 years to get through that. Maybe that's what's the, hey, listen, we're not, maybe he's putting it into the bunker. We don't know, but all we know is we're picturing him furiously masturbating with a tremendous amount of lubricant.

You added masturbated hotel room. Hey, listen, when I'm with you, you don't need it. Shush, when I'm with you. You're so clearly in a hotel room. Stop. We're talking about a man who's married with. of the wife buying it and you go of course he's masturbating the weird images of early gareth reynolds stand up but it but it's the amount it's the amount of it look it's funny it's funny it's a good one to

have you're not going to be able to own it but i do think that we what we have to do is figure out a way to overcome it and then the stakes are even higher because yeah you don't want the wife maybe knows but they don't want to be known as the luby couple like even or she doesn't know and And then that's even fucking worse if he's got like a jackshack down at the end of his yard. That's true. I mean, the nightmare would be as if this has nothing to do with her. Ramona, what's your guess? Walk us through a little bit.

What's going on with John and the princess? I do think that Uncle John ordered it with the saint in mind. He was in France when we think the order was placed. And his saint was here in Portland. So I think she was missing her and thinking about her. Of all of this. Who the fuck is in France thinking about home loop? John.

Strange. Okay. All right. Well, Ramona, when does the next family get together? When are you, do you have a date or a time pinpointed for where this could pop off? My guess is it could possibly be at a 13-year-old birthday in a month or it would be at Thanksgiving. So we've got to state this off. I know you've already said it, but can you restate the specific question just because there's so much going on here that I don't want to pitch on the wrong thing?

We want to kind of figure out how do we get ahead of this with Uncle John and, you know, make him maybe a part of it so that he's like owning it instead or just. to protect him in some way so that it's not the big joke pointing fingers at him when my dad understood yeah okay so here's what we got to do can i pitch something yes of course we have to get john in the joke so when you can when your dad makes fun of him everybody can make fun of your dad you got to pull a reverse uno card so your dad's going to do a joke and then we need something on your dad so that your dad has to eat crow right away what do we have on you are you looking for something on her dad do we have anything is there anything that john has ribbed your dad on is there a funny thing that is there something embarrassing we could highlight for your dad just so we have

a comeback ready um if not what we have to do jake is find a way for john to own it on a scale of one to ten romona how good is john's sense of humor very good take a joke very well. Okay. So you're talking about getting like a shirt? Yeah. Say it again, Ramona? I can't think of any good dirt on my dad.

Okay. Let's blow that off. I think, I am thinking that. I'm thinking we get a shirt. He reveals a shirt that says like. Loob daddy. Yeah. I buy 60.

I buy 32 ounces. Yeah. Yeah. Or something that just says like, so what? I'm a sex machine, question mark. or our shirt that says anyone who makes fun of a sex machine needs to get laid because I guess what you're making fun of as your little brother you said he's in his early 60s we're a guy in his mid 60s let's be honest one thing about getting older you hope

you hope stays in your life sex is if it doesn't not not bueno if it is Buono. So maybe dad, Ramona, uncomfortable question, hate asking it, but view us as scientists right now. Says the guy is flanked by primates. I'm studying them. I study that, Garrett. As scientists. I studied them. Is dad having sex, Ramona? I hate asking. Probably not as much as Uncle John. Exactly what I'm thinking. Is dad still with mom? Yes. Okay.

How long have they been married? Like 30 plus years. You think dad's buying loop? Hate asking this. Potentially. What's that? Potentially. Potentially, yeah.

But if he's making fun of another man for having sex in his 60s, maybe the joke is on you. Jake, I think you've led me to a new pitch. Go for it. I think what we do is we tell, I think, Ramona, you tell John, and you say, John, look, you know, I, I, we didn't know what to do. We thought it was, you know, we kind of, we, I guess we freaked out, we threw it away. We're sorry, we're happy for you, but my dad found out, and we think he's going to try to

murder you on this one next time we all get together. And what he should do is John should get ahead of it and send the dad 32 ounces of lube with a note that says maybe you can use this someday tough guy something like that i'm going to pitch on your pitch because what i was thinking romona if this is crazy tell me but i and you know me gareth and romano you'll know this when you get to about episode 100 but i hate using third parties but i might think we go to a third party and here's what i'm thinking what's the sense of humor of your mother she is very upset with the whole situation so I don't think very good with this one.

Okay. I was going to say, get your mom to get a 64 ounce of loop, and when he makes fun of him, hand it to him and say, we could use it, tough guy. Okay, she might do that. Okay. So if he's making fun, then you go, if she hands,

if your dad's making fun of John going, what are you doing, buying a loob, blah, blah, blah. And then your mom stands up and hands your dad a little thing of lube and goes, maybe there's something to it, buddy. everybody all of a sudden goes oh ho ho ho dad's not laying the pipe and we're making fun of john for having sex with his wife we're literally making fun of a man for making love i like it it's led me

to two new pitches go that one what if everyone at the event has a little bottle of lube and when your dad starts up they all pull it out yes and then you go like this and everyone's the ladies goes, do you have sex? What do you use? Oh, you don't use anything? Hold on, Ramona. What if you get everybody? Holy shit.

Remember somebody sent Steve? Do I remember? Yes. We had a lady who had a lube party. We have an abundance of lube in our world. We might be able to send you hundreds of packs. We might be able to send you a shitload of lube and you almost just have it at whatever it is. This is probably not going to be for the 13-year-old.

birthday party but maybe you can have maybe we do it fast yes we could do that we can have people have it at at the event or my out outside that pitch is who who host thanksgiving romona my appearance do okay so uncle john shows up with a crown and some sort of drapery and he is the king of lube when he shows up oh no i got an idea if it's at your parents' house at Thanksgiving, we frame your dad. Okay, we put... Somebody pretends to find a 64 ounce thing of lube

and go like, you get like one of the cousins to go like, whatever your dad's name is, like, hey, Jim, what's this? You roast him for a little, and he goes, I've never seen it before, which is what a guy would say who was lying, and then go like, it was in your room. I just went in there to drop my jacket off.

It was right on the bed. Then later, if he's trying to roast 32 ounces, you're like, stop deflecting. We gaslight him. Yeah, I like the idea of framing him. If we put, like, if what we could do is we could have some, you could even film a video of pretend finding a bunch of lube in his room and have John play it.

As soon as your dad starts to try to light him up, he could just be like, we took this earlier today in your house. We knew you were going to do this because we sent you this. Or how about this? How about, and Ramona, we're just going at it now. How about we get a fake label made for a bottle of lube? Let's say your dad's name is Rick. We get a bottle, fake bottle made of Rick's lube.

And it's just like we make a weird label like your dad has his own special lube. Or for John to have. How many people are going to be at that thing? What if you make cards made that said at some point my dad is going to or at some point Rick is going to lie about some stupid lube story when he does boo him and they go huh and go this might not mean anything or send everybody a text so that all of a sudden when he goes like hey John you get that 32 and everybody goes boo it'll be shocking for an older brother who thinks he's about to win and then you can throw our little lube's at him Ramona where are you at

i kind of like the idea honestly of my mom doing the public humiliation um i think that would be very authentic honestly of them okay um but i do like the idea too of like the small little lubes and like we all pulled them out my sister when I was talking to her about and trying to brainstorm she came up with something similar with us all having little loops at a party together well we could send you the lubs I mean we're writing Berg right now we can get you these lubs and then you can kind of just you know preset everyone having the lubs you know the downside to this is if your dad doesn't do anything then we've just told everyone that uncle john is a a jacker. But that's fine. I don't think that's a problem. So we can get you the lube

and then, yeah, we could just have your mom. What are you going to do, Ramona? Because I know we're wrapping up, but I still don't fully see what you're going to do. So what are you thinking here? What's the actual plan? I think my actual plan is because my mom's already in on the story. Okay. If I have her prepared with like a different bottle, Fun. Or how many OZs, how many OZs you're going to have mom do? I feel like it has to be at minimum 32. I agree.

But the bigger, the better. If I can find a larger one, that's better. I totally agree. If you can get like 118. I agree. Yeah. I don't know. If you could get a wheel barrel coming in with it.

John got and then we can give it to him since it's his. That's really fun. So mom gives to dad. and are you going to give mom a line or are you going to let her improv? I think I'll give her an idea and, you know, say she can run with it whatever she wants,

but I think she'll enjoy doing the public humiliation to him. I love it. And what line do you think in a pitching mom? You know, why are you making fun of someone for having sex? You know, maybe this would actually be helpful and passing it over.

By the way, I, Amazon. Guess what, pal, women like lube. Yeah. Learn something from your little brother. It helps. Yeah.

Hey, hey, uh, hey lover boy. Lube's for your partner. I found a hundred and twenty-eight ounce lube. I like how he's pretending and he's looking at the phone. He's looking through his suitcase. Hold on.

Hey, let me just look through my phone. Zip. All right. I got a 128. I'll sell it to you right now. You could also, if you wanted... There's about 113 left. Your mom could also hand your dad chafing cream.

So, Ramona... I found one called Taint Paint. What is the sound you made when your butt all got waxed that the woman heckled you about? Ooh. Wow. Wow. So, Ms. Ramona, walk us through your official plan, what you're going to tell your mom. If there's anything we could help you with, I think we're going to win here.

We're going to need you to film it if you can or at least get a voice note of your mother doing it. But the floor is yours. Tell this audience what you're going to be doing on Thanksgiving or at the 13-year-old's birthday. I'm really hoping it won't be the 13-year-old's birthday. I think I might be able to convince him that that's inappropriate. Yeah, I think that's the wrong move for dad, too. I did too. Yeah.

So I'm going to get my mom this bottle of lubricants. And I'm going to tell her that our goal is to kind of throw the humiliation back at my dad when he tries to do it to my uncle John. And along the lines of, you know, maybe this would be helpful or, you know, it's actually nice for your partner or something along those lines. It's good that he's having sex. And just for her to be ready when he inevitably makes his speech at the beginning of dinner. I think this works. Great. You feel good?

Awesome. Thank you guys so much. Thank you. Thanks, guys. Thanks, Ramona. And we are brought to you by Quince. Oh, sweet Quince. As the weather cools, I'm swapping in the pieces that actually get the job done. Warm, durable, and built to last.

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So why not do that with Zell? Gareth and I send money to each other via Zell. When we are in the hole to the other guy, the easiest way to do it is Zell. We both use it. They both know that it works. Pay and or request. Request money.

Send me some money via Zell. Why? Because you owe to me, little rat. Time to send me the money you owe me. My brother, the great Danny Jay, and I do something for each other that, to us, it's sincere and it's sweet. We always send each other money as gifts, and we do it randomly, and we use Zell. We'll just, every once in a while, he'll get $7.50 from me with a big subject that says, you deserve it. And even though he sends me money back, I know in his heart of hearts for a moment when he saw that $7.50 on a Tuesday morning, it's seven before work, he thought,

my brother loves me. And sure, when he sends me less back, do I think my brother loves me less? Sure, maybe a little. Whether it's a big moment or a small moment, Zell is here for you, so you can be there for them. When it counts, send money with Zell. This episode is brought to you by Squarespace. And our last ad I talked about somebody creating a Squarespace spot for a weird here to help. People have been writing it in.

We are talking to Squarespace. We're going to do this. Why hasn't it happened yet? Who knows? Things are slow. There's a lot cooking. It's a busy world. But we appreciate the emails.

We all know you love Squarespace as much as we do. You want to see how good it is? Go to Gareth Reynolds.com to check out Squarespace. and that girly ginger. Why Squarespace? I don't know, because they're absolutely the best. They give you everything you need in one platform. Everything.

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is Squarespace. It is Squarespace, through and through. So go to Squarespace.com slash Gil sent me for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use offer code Gil sent me. Remember him? Gilly Bean? To save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Wherever you are, Gilly, we're thinking about you. All right. So we have our caller. Your name is Michael. Michael, where are you calling from? South Carolina, upstate, South Carolina. Yeah, Carolina, beautiful. And how old are we, Michael?

I am 42. 42. And Michael, South Carolina, beautiful. If you had a boat, what would you, what would the boat be named? Have you ever thought about that? Oh, that, that has more to do with the call than you could possibly imagine. All right, let's not blow it then. Get into a, Mike, what's going on.

It would be called, it would be called the Dakota to. Dakota, too. Dakota. The Dakota tune, as in pontoon boat, made out of a Dakota, which is a thing we're planning on doing. Okay. Michael, take over. Yeah. We're interested.

Okay. So that it doesn't have to do with the Dakota tune, but it's just odd because this has to do with a lake house that my wife and I recently purchased from her grandparents. We purchased it in March, moved in in May, and we've done a ton of renovations to the place, like a lot of the work are. We're particularly proud of the screened-in porch that looks out on the lake. It's a beautiful view. There's some custom-made furniture out there that I've built. New flooring put in. And in the middle of all of this, picture it, is a leaking, disgusting-looking, wooden refrigerator.

A wooden refrigerator? What do you mean? Yes. I've sent pictures, but it is a wood-paneled refrigerator. It was actually purchased when the home was built in 1987. Oh, my God. It is still alive. It looks like a... That's the craziest looking fridge I've ever seen.

It looks like a coffin. It looks like a coffin. It looks like a coffin in the Wild West. It looks like a coffin for a ventriloquist dummy. And by the way, when you open the fridge, looks like a fridge. It's kind of old. Yeah, but it's two Diet Coke's and a Guinness and a bunch of bacon. You know, this looks like Crocos fridge.

I was about to say, I am taking back to night, take away the Guinness and put a Budweiser, and I'm three years old visiting my dad in his first apartment after he left my mom. And going, I think I'm going to live with mom. I'm sorry to laugh at that. That's real bad, no. Anything in the 80s is all fair game. Okay, so, yeah, it's aesthetically displeasing. But, okay, so what is the issue with that?

So the issue is we have, we had to remodel a lot of the kitchen. We had to buy a brand new refrigerator in there. Sure. So that's fridge number one. We have a backup fridge in the garage, fridge number two. We have a backup freezer in the garage. What is that for your meats, Michael? Yes.

The backup freezer? Yeah. Of course. It's filled with meat, lousy with meat. Gross. Michael do you hunt Uh Doves

That's cool How many doves you got That's cool What does happen I'm not I'm not good at it You dove hunting? I love a bad hunter

I love a bad hunter By the way In that sense I'm a hunter I've just never hunted anything Because I'm bad at it Yeah we're a lot of liking

I'm a big game hunter brother No you're not I never caught nothing Nuck how many elks Have you bagged Zero You Yeah me too

It's pathetic You and me should be fucking having dip in our mouth Sipping beers talking about the animals We haven't bagged Because you haven't done it Do it Yeah we're still hunters In South Carolina

Man I would love it dude Michael you're hunting doves Yeah Doves It's not cool What are you talking about He's not getting anything There's nothing better than just

Blow and a symbol of piece out of the sky Bastard I could see the comments Oh yeah And obviously, the audience is with Gareth. This is crazy. And Mike, let's go, brother. Cha-ching.

Again, I've never killed one. Neither have I, man. But my dream is to knock those sons of bitches out of the air, brother. Michael, you're my dream hunter. The hunter who's never gotten anything. My dream is to fucking get a rhino, man. Just take one of those big sons of bitches down. But I've never been near one.

Now the comments are good. I'm going to start going to the zoo and hunting those animals. I want to take a draft. Comments, comments, comments, comments, comments, comments, comments, comments, comments, comments, comments, comments, comments, comments, comments, comments, comments, comments, comments, comments, comments, comments, comments, comments, comments. Yeah, what is our issue? I'm sure this will end up being edited out, so. I don't think so. We're kind of liking the hate.

No, I don't think so. So Big Mike, Hunter, Alpha Male type. I'm still not getting the issue. We got a gross ass. All I heard was four fridges in a beautiful house. And all I'm thinking about is that screened-in porch, brother. Yeah, that's great. You and me sitting out there dipping, sipping beers talking about dubs we haven't killed.

We have all these extra fridges. The extra fridges are barely used. This wooden fridge is just sucking power and leaking all over the place. It's like the dubs you don't kill. Michael, I can't help to get it. It's a dove and don't shoot it. I can't help but get ahead of the answer to this, which is get rid of this fucking fridge. Tell us why you can't get rid of it.

This is the problem. My wife has this sentimental attachment to the fridge because it was, it's been there as long as the house has been. And she's like, yeah, I use it sometimes. My wife drinks, she's,

she's a beer drinker. She'll put a, like 12 pack of beer in there. I'm so into your life, Michael. I love his life. Me too, man.

You got a great thing cooking here. Just this fridge. Okay. So she's putting her fucking beers in a fridge. So we had a out-forming party. Yeah. I'm sorry. Go ahead.

No, you go, you go, you go. Okay. So the other issue is we had this housewarming party. All of our friends were there. It was great. Had a great time. And she just started talking about how I have, I got nothing but hate for this fridge. And she's recruited my friends to, like, shame me about not wanting the fridge.

So it's like very, it was a, it was a good natured pile on, but it was a pile on, nonetheless. Yeah, even though it's hurt. You know, so I'm just like, I'm done with this fridge. I was outside staring at it the other night and I actually started to Google like ways to sabotage a fridge and I felt like that was going too far and I'm like this is a problem for this podcast.

You called the right place at the right time. Yeah. So I have my first pitch. Okay. Michael, what do you think about and you're right? Because now we're friends and you and me are both guys.

I've built an office in my back. I definitely never killed an animal, but I'm a hunter. Hold on. Me neither. You and him are friends? What are you doing? Very similar, guys. What do you mean?

I do jih Tzu, but I never tapped anybody out. Do you feel what's happening to you right now? What do you mean? Like, you're just kind of trying to, like, sadly pal up to him. What do you mean? Like you're trying to, like, you feel it, right? Hey, brother, can I push this forward with a bike? Sure, but.

anyone listening hears it but go ahead all right brother so never killed an animal hunt like you no but Jake I wish my wife put beers in the fridge but we don't really drink a lot of alcohol because it gives us too much histamins

Jake Jake it gets me rashy and for her she feels like it brings her mood down Jake I would the voice is just if you're going to pitch you've got to drop the voice and the way you just kind of tried to man up by talking about your histamins

well because I have an abundant as a histamine, it leads to rashiness. If it's not cool, if you try to sound like a good old boy. Yeah, I also just got a cosmetic dermatology appointment where I got like a cyst removed from my eye and it hurt. She said, I was tough. And I said, thanks. And she said, well, you can't get older if you're not tough.

And I said, yeah, that's true. And then I thought, wait a second. She just called me older. Michael, this is about you, brother. Is it? Not killing dubs. Is it? Here's my.

And it's not about him not killing dubs. No, this is about the fridge. I want to. If you keep setting up, I have to play. I know. It's over. Okay, you're right. It is actually becoming my fault.

It is becoming my fault. It's becoming my fault. I say we turn the fridge because you are a handyman into a shrine. That's exactly my pitch. You take the wiring out. You clean out the fridge so it's totally empty. But it is an art piece. It is a piece of furniture in the kitchen.

And inside you do something fun with it where you like put old photos of what the Abbin used to look like. Of your grandparents, too. Your grandparents, too. Pictures of your grandparents. It's the childhood, the grandparents' memories. But it is no longer... I got to put the grandparents in there?

No, the pictures of them. It's a memory box. You bastards. They may kill them like the doves, brother. No. No, I think, you know, this happens on a lot of these rescue shows. Like, it'll be someone will be attached to the nostalgia of something that is not serving the...

place any longer. You're definitely a Chip Gaines type. Thank you. That's what a four? No, it's Chris Gaines. Chris Gaines. I think it's Chip. No, it's Chris.

Are you sure? I'm sure. Joanne Gaines. The home improvement guy is Chip. Chip. Chip. Oh, Chip Gaines. Chris Gaines is Garthbrook's alter ego.

Chris Gaines is Garkbrook's alter ego. Wait, who's Chip Gaines? Jim Gaines is Yeah, go ahead, Michael. The DIY guy with the... Yes. Yeah. I'm thinking, well, maybe.

I'm thinking more like taffer. I'm a taffer man. No, you're not a taffer. I am too. You're Chip Gaines. It's dark and roll alter ego. That's who I am. That is so funny, man.

The hair's the same. But soon enough. That's who Chip Gaines is, Garrett. That is. That is you, dude. Watch his personality. Whenever he knocks down a wall, he always, like, jumps through it to be funny. Well, that's obviously.

He's Robert on. He's Robert on. Oh, I know who you're talking about. Yes. Yes, right. But what I would do is, like, that's what he does, though. I would take, like, old pictures, and I think this is basically Jake's pitch. You don't need, she doesn't need the fridge.

So why don't you get her, why don't you get her a tinier fridge? No, we've got enough fridges, baby. You're right. He's mentioned four fridges. But why don't we turn it into something that's a little. a little bit about the cabin transitioning from old hands to new hands. We can put some pictures of your grandparents in there. We can put some pictures of you guys in there.

We can maybe make it a little bit more of like a sweeter thing versus like a thing that is useless and not used. Do you think she'll go for it, though? My only worry is that- It's too late. It's like the dovesy doesn't kill. They're out of the air. Well, the worry is that you're, that, you know, you already had this pile on. So you're going to be like...

It's another one. I think she may go for that. Especially, Michael, if you just do it without telling her and inside there's a sweet, think of Chip and Joanne Gaines, the way that Joanne always does it a little sweet, add a little bit of sweetness to it where she opens it and she's like, aw, and then go like, I know how much this meant to you. And I don't want to get rid of it. So now it could live forever and not leak on our new floors.

So I do this, I do woodburned art, like, for fun. And. Why don't you make us a we're here to help one? I would love to. We would love it. But I just don't know what I would put on the front of this wooden fridge. Her. No, no, I wouldn't mess with the wood.

I wouldn't mess with the aesthetic of it. I agree. She likes it. I would leave the exterior. exactly as it is. You're just gutting the inside. Okay, but I would leave it exactly how it is. And inside, you know what I would do? I would turn the inside into storage. Here's what I would really do. I would take away all the electricity on it. I would take away all the cords. Then I would build it so it's almost like a little pantry. I'd put wooden shelves in it.

So you open it and it's storage for the kitchen, which she's going to need anyhow. So you have an area in there that you could have a little bit of food, a little bit of what Or it's for like lake, lake towels or something. Yes, exactly right. So it is functional. It is cute. But visually, it reminds her of her childhood. And so it's the new place with a little bit of the old that's been updated.

Love that. And I do think there's a way. That's exactly what they would do on these shows. I do think there's a way for you to maybe bring some nostalgia into it with a word burn. Like there might be a way for you to kind of keep, like I don't know. exactly what it would be but there's something maybe in there that you can make it a little upgrade it a little bit if you're going to make it storage which i like something where it's like did grandpa and grandma have a nickname do they call the fridge anything i mean do they call the lakehouse

anything like the chalet or it was called the fun house that's what the grandchildren call why don't we yes yes let's why don't we do that why don't we would burn in there the fun house that's the background you put some shelves in there and when did When did grandma and grandpa first buy it? 87. So I would say the fun house, 1987 dash, and you do not put the end down. I like that. So the fun house was born in 1987.

And whenever it gets moved on, it gets moved on. But that fridge door will stay forever like a wall when kids are growing up and you mark their heights. This is a very good. idea, Michael. I agree. Michael, do you think that you'll be able to do it, like, pitch her on the idea, or do you want to do it, like, in secret? You just do it in secret, brother. How would that work? No, I really don't think there's a way I could do all that work. In secret. Yeah, in secret. Can I make a pick her on the phone? Yep.

What's that? Should we have her on the show? Let us pitch her on it. Oh, yes. I was actually kind of hoping for that. Is she theirs? Then it's like, Like, you can, you can pile on her the way she has my friends. In a loving way. Yes. Is she there? I mean, and this is not like a sore spot. No.

And even if it is, it's okay. We've done about 200, we've done about 500 calls. Yeah. I mean, it's not our life. It's yours. We're fine. Is she there right now, Michael? She is, yeah.

Should we do this? Yeah, let's do it. What's her name, Michael? Or what should we call her? Her name is Tanya. Tanya. You can call her. Tanya.

Tanya, are you there? I'm here. Hi. What's up, Mama? Ignore Jake, he's sort of elvassing in a bad way lately. But Tanya, you're on. We're here to help. I hope you're okay with this.

We were talking to Michael a little bit, and we just learned about the cabin. We love the cabin, first of all. We think it's awesome. The fun house. We think everything has been, sounds great. Are you having a good time with it? Yes. Okay.

You're a little thrown by what's happening, and that's fine. Um, Michael kind of brought us up to speed on how everything is fantastic there, but, uh, there's only one tiny issue. Um, and we're trying to solve it for you. Okay. Sounds good. Okay. So, uh, I mean, it's the fridge. I don't know if we want to just dive right in, but the fridge. The old fridge is power wise. It's sucking energy. And we love the fridge. How do you think you're doing with this, Gary? Not good. my hands shaking here's what we're pitching okay we want to convert the old 80s fridge in the kitchen

which we all love with the wood paneling we want because it's dripping water right now on the new floors we were thinking of taking all the wiring out of it and converting it either into a storage or like a place for photos like a nostalgia bin like a nostalgia bin and on the front of it Michael was thinking of burning into the wood at the top Fun House 1987 dash to like pay respect to it so it stays in the kitchen. So visually it's the same, but we just get rid of the leaky water aspect of it. Your thoughts? Well, it's really the only thing that's wrong with it is it needs a new seal. Oh, I mean, it's true.

And his friends are very supportive of us keeping their first. Oh, here we go. Well, we know that... They're piling on to pile on. Well, what about this? There's part of her that wants to see how long it will last. This is true. I want to see if this fridge outlived me.

That's cool. Jake, hang in there. I mean, this fridge, my grandparents built this lake house on Hartwell when I was five years old, and it was the original fridge. in the kitchen and then when they upgraded their fridge and freezer they had you know they moved this fridge outside into a nice screened-in porch that's out here overlooking the lake and it's just great to keep a beer in it and beverages in it for friends and guests we saw a picture of it didn't look like it was being used a lot that's where we sort of jumped in so michael is it in the

kitchen that's because i just drank all the beer out of it that's cool it There's a lot of beer. Michael, why do you want to get rid of it? Exactly. Exactly. Mike, who cares, man? This is what Jake does, Michael. But I'm just now asked, let's get to the bottom of this.

But why do you want to get rid of it, Michael, if it's on the back porch? But it's leaking on an outdoor porch. Yeah, but it's leaking. No. It just needs a seal. It's just the seal. It's stripping a little bit inside the fridge because of the seal. Is there a power issue at all?

Someone alluded to that early in the call. I'm pretty sure Michael doesn't even know how much wattage this bridge has been using. Mike? I even offered to pay $20 a month to them to make up for the power bill. Mike, we're going to lose here, babe. No, Mike. Mike, jump in. Is this the first call in the show's history where you're not on the original callers?

No. This is actually a consistent theme, which is when we bring in the person who the call is about, Jake jumps ship pretty quick. What do you think, Gareth? My pitch in the middle would be, I have two pitches. One, I don't think Tanya's going to like

because I think she just wants to write it out for some, a childhood reason that I don't think I'm going to be able to argue against. So my pitch would be, instead of paying him $20 a month, let's get a fridge repair guy out there, and instead of seeing how long, long until this thing dies. Let's give it a shot for longevity, get rid of the leak, see what

we can upgrade, and if we're going to have it out there, let's make it the best fridge it can be. And Tanya pays for it. Yes. Yeah, I'll do that. That's fine. Michael, your thoughts on that. I'm okay with that if we can decide right now that once it does die, we turn it into the nostalgia. Yes. Hold on. I think we just got to something. Tanya, If you guys bring a repair person there, and that repair person says it's not worth saving, are you okay to let it die? Similar to, let's say you shoot a dove, you're hunting, yeah?

But you don't get a clean shot. You just get like its shoulder with a BB gun. And you take it to the vet. Absolutely. And the vet says, it's time for this guy to go. So why don't we get a repair person there? They give their honest assessment. And if that repair person says, yeah, it's got two more years in it, then great.

But the second, it's time for it to die, you allow Michael to convert it into an antique relic. I mean, yes, I would be okay with that. Michael, are you okay with that? That's perfect. It's a wonderful compromise. God, I think so, too. I think we signed the contract. I think everybody's happy.

I agree. So are you two both happy with this call? Um, yes. I mean, as happy as you're going to be on this, we've gotten your vibe already that you're not that psych to be here. And Michael's definitely gotten a lot quieter since you got on. And that's true, Michael. It is very true.

Michael, you and me were bros. We were hunting buddies who've never told anything. Delusional. Now, let's, okay, so are we, if we're both good with that, let's say we're good with that. And then after the call. You need a Michael follow up. We, absolutely. But after the call, you know, let's just, let's hug.

Let's make sure there's a hug. right away on a fridge a fridge embrace because I don't want there to be I don't want there to be any roast them we got enough ice in the house we don't need it between each other right now you know what I'm gonna get my daughter take a photo of us hugging hugging the wooden fridge that's what we like to hear really and can we post that I'm fine with posting it thank you and that will be helpful and then Michael by the way that's going to go in the fridge when it dies that's a great idea oh that's a great idea. That is a, oh, yeah, that's what it is.

And you could maybe, that could be the wood arched on the cover of it. It could be, yes. Very true. It could be the logo. You could burn you guys hugging the fridge on the front of it when it finally dies. Will you follow up with us after the repair guy comes so we know what's happening with this fridge? Yes. Both you guys, thanks so much for this call.

Thank you, guys. Thank you. Love the show. All right. You appreciate you. Thank you. Bye. Sweet Jesse here.

This next call is a follow-up to episode 195. It's a parade with Ty Borel. Give me one quick sec. Is he seriously? My framing was wrong. everybody knows it's still wrong let's just uh you've got to let the next caller in let's let will you let let the next caller in we need to talk about this this is how we're talking okay all right it's better okay hello hold on we're starting we're going to let this person know it's definitely better

hi caller hi welcome to the show uh before we get into your information let's just talk about what just happened jake uh had to take a break to get the gorilla picture in his office properly framed so that he's perfectly flanked by a chimphead and a gorilla painting. I mean, and then what is your, what is the material your chair

is made out of? You are taking on the vibe of like a South African poacher very quickly. Thank you. No, it's not a compliment. Oh, sorry. Can we get your name, please? Oh, this is Carissa. All right. Hi, Chris. Welcome back, Carissa. Where are you calling

from, Chrisa? Arizona. Arizona. And what was the first call, Chris, and let us know how it's going. The first call

was about my dad's gross outdoor pea spot. This is with the grab Ta-Barrelle. Oof. All right, Chris,

walk us through the problem again and what we pitched and what you did. All righty. So my dad was married

to one specific spot and the smell was so foul. that my mom was very upset about it. Yeah, I get it. And you guys gave me two pitches. One was to set up security cameras, like, around the barn area, because that's where

I thought he was doing this. And then to imagine that there was, like, a third party that these images were being sent to. Both good ideas. Well, the second pitch was the one that Ty suggested, and he, He had to put a toddler training toilet, like, in the location where he... He was going to do the first one with the security cameras. I purchased them.

Went to where I thought it was, and my mom told me that I was wrong. It's not by the barn. It's actually much worse. It's by where the former pig pen is and, like, near the trailer that he uses. and uh because of that i don't be pissing here a pig pen is a mistake i think it's a good place to do it well wait the smell's already there we ate the pig though oh that makes sense that's different a lot going on um now wasn't the idea that you were going to set these cameras up and then you were going to kind of you were telling your dad you were going to be like hey you know i got

or i have these cameras for whatever reason and then it's going to the third party so when did you find out that he's actually pissing at a pig pen pre letting him know about the setup or post it was kind of pre it was i purchased them and then my mom had uh she was so excited about when i told her that i was talking to tie and to you guys that she listened to the episode she showed my dad and then uh we went ahead and put the toilet where the actual spot is the toddler toilet Exactly, yes, the U-Training toilet. And so I sent photos to Natalie of where the actual spot is, where the supposed spot was.

And then my mom... You mentioned that your mom showed it to your dad and was very excited. So I got your text. Showed the podcast to it down. I'm getting a little confused. Oh, right. And he listened to it. And so the text messages that you see are him while he's listening to it.

It was him and her. this is a leak in the plan all I see is he wanted to hear it then dad said you don't look at you wrote you don't look amused dad did he like Phil Dumfey's impression of him then they say okay to pee outside thumbs up

yep that was my dad saying that so your dad's your dad took from this that we say it's okay to pee outside yes and uh my mom decided to jazz up the toilet with your guys's logo So she was going to do like a wrap. This is quite a bit.

Wait, okay, so that's where dad pees. It's a beautiful shot. But by the way, that's a beautiful shot. That's actually, that could be hotel art. It is, that is such, this actually, this is a frameable picture. That's a frame this. I agree. That's a beautiful, if I saw that in like a cool lobby, it is a beautiful shot.

You see like wrought iron, you see a horse, you see the sun setting, and then there's a little kids outdoor piss toilet that makes no sense. And I will say the toilet, that's another winner. gorgeous. The toilet is it is very tiny and

demeaning. It is very... He's going to piss all over the seat. Yeah, and why it's a good pitch from Ties because you do look at this and you're like that would make you be like, I would look like I'm a little baby boy pissing in the great outdoors. Now your dad doesn't sit on it and do it. He just pisses into it.

I would assume a man stands when he pees, yeah, I think we're all saying the same thing. Oh, and now it got, now we've got some, now this is no longer hotel art. This is not humiliating for us. It's now humiliating. So now the image is, uh, yeah, now the image is of the rusty trailer back where the kids' potty is. And, um, and we've got the, we're here to help. And did you put my face in the hole where he pees? I didn't do it.

My mom did it. Why just mine? Where's Garrett's? Once again, once again, near the bottom of the toilet. You piss on my face, but it drowns you. Yeah, yeah, Jake gets a little bit, but then I drown in it.

What? Okay, so, and it looks like there's some watermarks on it. Look at my left eye. That's where it's gotten hit. Absolutely. He's aiming. Jake got hit. By the way, Gary, you look tiny.

I mean, look, we're pissed-soaked. I mean, who knows what's about to happen. This is wild. So your dad has been pissing on our logo. So, okay, just to be clear, so our pitch was set up. I didn't imagine this when we started the pod. Our pitch was set up some security cameras, and we will tell your father that they're going to a third-party location where they'll probably see his dick. Like, that's the kind of undercurrent of the information.

Your mother sends your dad the podcast. Your dad takes from it. I'm allowed to pee there. So you go with the tie pitch of putting the kid toilet out there, and your mom, just because I guess we're now associated with this tiny toilet, puts our faces in the toilet as well as the art on the seat of the toilet, and your dad is pissing all over us right next to the pig pen. Yes, and no.

He actually doesn't use it. It got water on it when she left it by the kitchen sink. Oh, okay. I got it. Okay. So it's just sitting out there. Right. No, my dad says that he now pees all over the property. So it's a win. You can ring that. Oh, is that true? Yeah. He said he goes everywhere. That's all we really wanted. Okay.

Exactly. Look, Garrett, this one doesn't feel good, but it's definitely a win. No, no, it's a nice twist at the, we just came off a real win. I know, but all he said was he can't pee in the same spot. We're happy he's grazing. Let him graze in other pastures. That's what I mean. Well, there's a big win. Yeah, great. Well, thank you. you so much, Carissa. Thank your dad for pissing everywhere. Thanks to Ty Borel

who's pitch stood the test of time. And actually, hell, if you can get a photo from behind of your dad pissing outside, we don't need to see Hogg, obviously. But if we could just get a shot of an old guy pissing in that beautiful landscape, we'd love to post it. Yeah. And if there's hot, I don't know I'll figure it. Okay. I mean,

if it doesn't work, it doesn't work, but if mom could snap one of him. And you did buy all these security cameras. It can't be that hard to sneak a picture. That's something I'd like to tag Ty Borell on on Instagram. It'd be great. With no setup. Give tie a little closure. There we go.

Give tie a little closure. Awesome. We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question at helpful pod at gmail.com. And if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here to Help, you can go to our Patreon at patreon.com slash here to help pod to see our entire catalog.

We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grimm Productions. Executive producers Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter, and Natalie Hollis, Associate producer Jesse Thurston, editing mix and master by Chris Fowler. Theme song by Oliver Raleigh. The cover artwork is by James Fostike, animations by Andrew Strelecki. And if you'd like to see Gareth, you stand up on the road, go to Garethreth Reynolds.com.

Remember all of the advice given on we're here to help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions. All video episodes of season one are available now on Patreon, and season two video episodes will be available every Monday starting January 20th. Go to patreon.com forward slash here to help pod. What's up, everybody? I'm Kyle Mooney. And what's up, everybody? I'm Beck Biden. And man, ooh, I got, we got something to tell you.

Oh, yeah, we definitely do. Yes, it's a brand new podcast on HeadGum. That's right. And it's called What's Our Podcast? Yep. And that's because we don't have a single idea what our podcast. She'd be about it. Yeah, we don't. So we actually have guests come on and they tell us what they think our podcast should be about and then we try it.

Yep. Guests like Mark Maren, Jack Black, Brini Brosky, Caper Lan, Bobby Moynihan, Meg Stalter, and Tim Balls, Landon Axler, Jory, Joni McGreeze, and Dender. And Dender. New episodes release every Wednesday. So subscribe to what's our podcast. On YouTube or any of your favorite podcast platforms.

Yeah. I'm going to go do it right now.