We're Here to Help - 221: Butt Funnel & Shaky in the Mouth

Episode Date: October 22, 2025

Jake and Gareth help a girls basketball coach teach the art of the box-out. Then, they help their oldest-ever caller break up with his dentist. Plus, the follow-up to Ep 205 "Find Your Switzer."Remember to vote on Steve Berg's sexy calendar: weneedtopick.com/stevecalendarWant to call in? Email your question to [e-mail]: https://patreon.com/heretohelppodMERCH: heretohelppod.comINSTAGRAM: @HereToHelpPodIf you’re enjoying the show, make sure to rate We’re Here to Help 5-Stars on Apple Podcasts.Visit gemini.google/students to learn more and sign up. Terms apply.Advertise on We’re Here to Help via Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a headgum podcast. Day, and we're just doing Gareth and I today. That's right. Solo Sesh. The bread and butter. We've been doing a lot of other formats, chats, the rocket money stuff, the friendship game. Vandy Camp.

There's a bunch of been going to Vandy Camp. So we're going to get back to format for a while just because it's fun to keep changing things around. We appreciate you all sticking with us, and we're having a load of fun, aren't we, Gareth? We are in the middle of a good session today, too. Great session today. So fun. And then everybody, go vote today because we're about to lock in the calendar.

So we need to pick slash Steve calendar, I believe. You know who texted me last night about the Steve calendar with great joy? Ryan Gall. Ryan Gall texted me too and I texted him back, come on the show. So he's going to come on soon. Yes. Let's see you, me and him. Great.

He said 10 out of 10. He said this is amazing. I haven't heard from him in ages. He's going to be so good on this show. He's the best. Yeah. The best. But yeah, so the people are talking.

Yeah, so everybody do that vote because we want to wrap that up pretty soon. And then I'll tell you something, Gareth, that just happened. Sure. I saw Chapel running concert. Oh, right. And? She fucking brought the house down.

Wow. And I got to tell you, I didn't really know her music beforehand. I knew it a little. I knew Pink Pony Club, you know. Sure. But there are certain of these musicians, Like Billy Elish, I know. Olivia Rodriguez I listened to.

She just hadn't come into my thing. And, I mean, your daughter's huge fans, obviously. No. No. The way it actually happened was she was doing a concert at the Rose Bowl. Uh-huh. And my daughter and I were driving to go practice some volleyball at the park. And she goes, oh, I think there's a concert here today.

And then I was like, huh? And she goes, can we go? And I was like, no. haven't planned it. And then I looked last minute and she had a general admission. She did it like her own festival. Oh, that's so cool. It was a huge park. It wasn't like a, it was an all-day thing. It opened it for. There were like food trucks and drink. It was like she created Coachella or it had never been, but I would consider the Horde festivals of the 90s. But just for a day. Yeah. That's great. And so we just went last second. I was like, I looked at the tickets very

reasonable. And I'm like, there's still openings. Yeah, there's openings. There was 50,000 people there. Wow. It was a massive. So what? So you just go home, you just get. So I text my wife, I go, we good? And she goes, go for it. So my other daughter's like, hell yeah, man. So we pick her up. We go to the concert. We get there. We're some of the first people there. We get there at 430. Doors opened at 430. That's great, too. To the whole thing. It was, I felt like we were tailgating. They had all these events where you could like walk to different it was fun. So we just leaned

in, we walked in different areas, and then they had like glam squads where you could get like sparkles all over your face. There's lines of people everywhere. Everybody's into it. Now, when you go to the Sparkle Station, obviously your daughters get

it done. Any part of you ever lean into that? Are you... I did. You did? Yeah. Good for you. And I did it poorly. I did it like sunscreen. You put your own sparkle on? You just grab a handful and rub it in your face and they went like, you've done this incorrectly.

See, it's funny that you led with this is how you do it, and that it's like wrong. Well, they did it right. They had like three on the eye, sections. Everybody was doing it right. I got up there, I just grabbed a glob, threw it on my face, so let us rock. Dad, okay.

They just literally went like, oh, it's awful, man. Like, yeah, I'm like, you look like a shooting stuff. in a sweatshirt. You look like the more you know start. But then there's a, they had like a DJ and, you know, it was just a load. It was crazy. But what I will say, the point of the story is, I have never been in a crowd of people that was so nice and chill.

It was like, you know, you go to concerts and there's always a vibe. There's always a feeling. You're like, all right, like everybody was hard. There's always an issue. There's always some issue. shoot there's some woman like there's some assholes banging into people because they're so drunk yeah midway through i was like it's getting dark there's a lot of party and maybe not totally kid appropriate at this point of the night did i make a mistake and i was like it feels like the

safest place to have two kids i was like this is great that woman put on a banger i was just going to say now are your daughter's fans now oh yeah because that's always fans before but after that. It was very clear. And what I realized about her and a lot of these performers right now, these people are killing it. Yeah.

I was like, there was moments of the show that felt like thriller. She was like full, the stage was built. I was like, this is a full on fucking show. That's great. Well done. And I was definitely an old man there.

We were hanging out with this group next to us and the guy next to us kept referring to me as dad all night. Why? He'd be like, Dad, don't worry. The next song you're going to like, they just,

I was just dad to our little group that we had formed. Your posse, your Papa the Posse. It's so old, man. You go to your own and I was like, this is a young group of people. You know what's great, though, because I, you,

we always say this even, I don't know, like Berg or I or Eric, like you really, are such a good dad. I, the thing when I hear, like, go to an event like this on the fly, it makes me go like, ugh. By the way, me in my life, yes. Right. But that's the thing. But, Gerith, you would do the same. Yeah, I guess, yeah. So it's, it's, you can't even judge yourself yeah or nay until you're there. Yeah. You and I are exactly the same. I wouldn't go to Dick Van Dyke

with one of my best friends in the world, right? If you said to me, hey, man, I'm in town. you want to go to this concert, I would go, Gareth, I love you. I never. You know what? I just figured out how to get you to Vandy Camp. Have my kids interested? We got to get your kids. We got to cut you out of it.

We got to go right to your kids and get them into going to Vandycamp with Uncle Eric. You know what we can talk about briefly? Uh-huh. What do you think of the Vandicamp finale? It aired on Friday, today's Wednesday. I, you know, I loved it. I love the whole thing. I think we are lucky to have Eric for so many reasons.

I agree. But now that we have enabled it into the content part of our lives, we are getting a lot of juice out of Eric's odd decisions to go involve himself into the elderly circuit of catching people on the downside in a way where he fully supports it. He adores it. And the whole Vandy Camp saga to be, I think we did reach the end point. We did. We have to. But I am excited for more. And I really do think there was controversy.

It was bizarre. He's wearing a 70s detective Japanese rainwear outfit. It just is fantastic. And on that episode, we got to see Eric, Eric, like a mama bear, sort of. swatting us away from the Cubs and attacking a very docile Steve Berg for his memory repeatedly.

I just couldn't stop fucking laughing at the whole thing. It was incredible. My favorite part of it was at the end, Eric and I who, you know, not only have we been great friends for a while, we've been partners creatively,

we've worked together a bunch. We do a lot of this stuff similarly. We talked on the phone after my daughter went to bed. till probably close to midnight reviewing the thing as if it was game tape. And we broke down, because he's right to say, that felt very different than the we're here to chats. Yes.

And he was like, why did it feel so day? And we were trying to figure out, and I told him the truth, and that is, whenever we've done these night shows, they feel different. And I don't know, I don't know if it's alcohol. I don't know if it's weed. but I was like, there is a different rhythm to it that's hard to figure out why. You know, I think we, well, first of all, four of us,

I think you're right. And Morgan, we had a fifth voice. I think also having, you know, saying we're going to have a drink or two. Like, I don't, I don't drink a lot at home on the solo. So, but I do, I think this sometimes when I'm like, if I'm going to do like a show and I'm maybe tired and it's made you know I've done a bunch in a row if I go I'm going to have a glass of wine while I'm out there I go oh now I'm excited yeah

it's like changes my energy a little bit and I'm like oh like a little weirdo but I'm like I get to have a glass of wine but I also think it's an absurd event and it is just ripe for roasting and agreed vandy camp I think has been the gift that keeps on giving I'm sad to see it go, but I think it ended very well. All right. Enjoy the show. All right, everybody. This episode of We're here to Help is brought to you by Mint Mobile.

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Now available in Canada, too. That's quince.com, Q-U-I-N-C-E dot com slash here-to-help, free shipping, and 365-day returns. Quince.com slash here to help. You know, life's full of those little moments when you're sending money and it can make a big difference. So why not do that with Zell?

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Send me some money via Zelle. Why? Because yo to me, you little rat. Time to send me the money you owe me. My brother, the great Danny J. And I do something for each other that, to us, it's sincere and it's sweet. We always send each other money as gifts, and we do it randomly, and we use Zell. We'll just, every once in a while, he'll get $7.50 from me with a big subject that says, you deserve it.

And even though he sends me money back, I know in his heart of hearts for a moment when he saw that $7.50 on a Tuesday morning, it's seven before work, he thought, my brother loves me. And sure, when he sends me less back, do I think my brother loves me less? Sure, maybe a little. whether it's a big moment or a small moment Zell is here for you so you can be there for them when it counts send money with Zell All right What do we got

Well we have a new caller I wanted to ask you guys To do some of your weird questions Because we've gotten some comments and stuff That they miss them And we haven't been asking them Okay We've just been going straight into the calls

Without getting to know our people Okay All right ready Yeah Think of a weird question. I got an idea. Okay. Hello.

Hello. Hi. How are you doing? I'm good. How are you guys? Good. Can we get your name, please? Sure, I'm Heather.

Hey, Heather. Where are you calling from, Heather? I live in Connecticut. Connecticut. And we've got a note that we have not been doing enough questions and the fan. Is that we're here to help shirt? Yeah. Look at you, Gareth.

It's got a big coffee stand on the bottom that I can't get out. But yeah. That'd be a cool design. So we're going to go back to the questions. Hey, Nat Attack, you mind hopping on? Yeah. Ask your little heart away. Oh, you're going to pin it back on me.

Hey. Let your little heart sing, girl. Heather. Natatuck has a question for you. No, I don't. I want to say, fuck you to you first. Natta. Nattock?

this is not time to get nasty. We just met, sweet Heather. That's just you. Nope. Nat attack? Go ahead. Let your little heart sing. Oh my God.

I don't have any questions. Yeah, sure you do. Just go for it. See what happens, Nat Attack. We'll wait. Natalie, maybe you could ask her what a good question is to ask. She doesn't need out. You're not allowed to ask that question.

Natalie, we'll wait. Take advice from a guy with a coffee stain if you can't get out. Go ahead, Nat. Heather, if you were running in the job. What animal would you like that? Of all the ones. By the way, great question. I don't know where you came up with that.

The only way to get off the hook with Jake. All right. This is a smart woman. All right, Heather, you're going through the jungle. What animal do you want to see? Again, it's a strange version of jungle terror. But Heather, what animal would you want to see in the jungle? Yeah, it is a weird second half of her question.

If the second be wanting to see it. to see it. What would you want? I'll tell you what I'd want to see. A paramedic. I'll say what I want to see a hotel. Bear grills. Okay, you're running in the jungle with no context ever.

What animal? Are you hoping to see? It's an insane. It's an insane. Oh, thank God. A jaguar. Hey, chapanzy. Everything is going to kill you.

Okay, what do you want to see? I don't know, but maybe my suburban pet turkey, Steve, who lives in my backyard. Because if he were in the jungle, then he would be free, and I wouldn't have to take care of him anymore. No, Heather, he would be food. I'm going to jump in, Heather. It's not a good environment for your pet turkey to be in. I wouldn't think of a turkey in the jungle. He'd be like this.

Look at me. I'm free. As it just a gorilla rips its head off? He would be free for one second. Yeah, and she sees her turkey. I mean, where are we? We want to bring in the warm-up questions, but what just happened? Everything would eat that turkey.

All right, Heather. So you've got a pet turkey named Steve, which is awesome. What's going on? What can we help you with today? Natalie left right away. Okay, so I am the assistant coach on my daughter's seventh grade basketball team. Great. And I've been coaching these girls since, let's say, third grade.

So it's been a while. Um, and, um, I keep on, uh, every year, um, building my, like, desire to get them to box out, um, which is like, you know, a pretty basic skill in basketball and, uh, they won't do it. And I yell it from the sidelines, like, box out. And even sometimes I yell, when the shot goes up and they all yell back to me, we box out. But then they don't actually do it. Right. Let's explain to international. listeners or basketball fans, what a boxout is. International is the wrong thing because basketball is international. Yeah, but it's not as... Yeah, but that's just...

It's so clearly the wrong thing to say. Okay. Where is it basketball played? It's that not every... Maybe in other countries it's not as popular, and maybe they don't know the boxout as well. Jake, right now I'm in a jungle, and I don't know what animal I want to see. I'll tell you, you don't want to see the Jake animal.

I don't want to see you. What animal you don't want to see when you're running in the jungle? Oh, no, he's in a bad mood. Where I got you? The wild Pac-Man. Oh, no. You don't want to see Pac-Man Jones. So how would you explain the boxout to people?

It's just button out. Heather, what is a box-out? Can you explain it to our international audience? Who we respect. Yeah. You know our guy in Greenland. There's such a little butt kick there. No, I'm not.

Explain to our guy in Greenland. We respect. We love international audience. It's a bit. But also, I do love you. But also, you guys are important. Okay, so boxed out is basically you get yourself in between the other player, like the team you're playing against, and the hoop,

and then you push them back, mostly using, like, your butt. Yeah, you use your body. And you push them back with your body, and then basically physics says that the ball will land in front of you as opposed to like a lot of people jump straight up in the air and then the ball can kind of go wherever. Totally. So international listeners physics is, uh, it's like, um, it's, uh, anyway. So here's what, here's what it is.

And I think we're, I think, Heather, you said it kind of perfectly, but it's using your body legally to push the girl away so that the, you get the rebound and not them. I will say this. And it's something I need to say for my own peace of mind. I've got two six-grade girls, they're both playing sports, and I always believed I would be their coach. And I'm not going to, and I'll tell you why, we've been in the backyard, we practice a lot. It feels like anything I say to these girls athletically, they hear the opposite. I don't know if there's just something about younger girls' athletics or they just don't want to hear, but I'll say something that I think will be. be so clear, and then, like, the throwing motion will go in the other direction.

So I'm in a zone now where I'm like, the less I talk, the better they do. And I don't know, Heather, if you have that experience, too, like, their instincts are great. But if we're, like, you know, hitting and I'll go like, great, okay, so here's what you want to do. Make sure you turn the hips and the elbows at the same time and really go into it. The next swing will be so wild. And I'll go, I totally scratch that, just pretend I didn't talk. And then she'll go, what do I should do with the hips? Forget I talked.

I'm just going to pitch to you and do what you do. And then it's better. I did recently retire from softball coaching for that very reason. Oh, yeah, I get it. But basketball, I'm still in the mix a little bit. I respect the hell out of it. The girls listen to me. I think maybe the other coaches are dudes.

I don't know. It's nice to have a lady around. I do think there's a. positivity about having a female. Let me give you a quick pitch. But I'm prefacing this with, I always thought I would be a great coach. And it turns out I'm a really bad one, which has been, you know, when my daughter's played soccer, I thought I was going to coach. You want to know what I ended up doing? Refereen. Oh. That's worse. I know it is. But I'm like, I'm going to be involved. When they go to basketball now, you know what I do?

I don't coach, but I yell a lot from the crowd. That's a good zone. for you. I know, but it's a perfect zone for you. But nobody likes it. No, but that's right. That's like where you're able to freely speak, but also it's, it's a lower lift and it's not, you're not going to screw up any of the kids. Yeah. Yeah. That's where we need you. Yeah. That's not the seat I thought I was going to be. Yeah. That's not what I thought it was going to be good. Yeah. Here's what I would suggest, Heather, and take this for the grain of salt coming from me. Maybe we do something where you do a practice where you get some music and they're doing like a butt dance where when the song comes on, they got to push people away from the rim without using their

hands by just using their butts. Because a boxout is you literally push into somebody with your butt and you walk backwards and you box them out that way. So maybe we turn it into a game with music, get like Nikki Minaj blasting, and it's a who can knock the girls closest to the bleachers without using their hands? And the other team is trying to get right to the rim. I like, I like a lot about this. What I also like is I like maybe renaming it. Like it's box out. maybe it's not very clear what the action is and maybe if like the eagles have the tush push maybe you have the butt push or the butt out

or something like that that's maybe just a little more say in our rescue the butt bump the butt funnel it was not the butt funnel he has butt funnels in his voices yes he does don't even don't even but he you walk it you're in the wrong puts it inside You're in the wrong department, sir. Natalie, will you Google John Taffer butt funnel?

Enjoy, Jake. I hope you didn't eat breakfast because you're about to have a slice of humble pot. And you're going to say, that was weird that I said that. I think it's called the butt bump. 80% of what I say is problematically weird, but this one I'm right on. And I apologize to our international audience. I will. No, I want to get ahead of this.

Our international listeners, if you don't have the butt funnel, we are so sorry for alienating you right now. Heather, what do you think about naming it the butt bump so they know exactly what that is? And that is you take your butt and you bump into the person behind you and then make it a game in practice where you have to say like, sorry. I think that that could work and I think that that could help us. I guess the only thing or the part that I left out before is that they do it when I tell them to do it in practice. It's just like in the games they don't do it. So I'm wondering, is there something that I can set, like, for, like, I don't know, a long-term, like, if we get, but if we get all these boxouts throughout the whole season, Coach Heather will do X, Y, Z or, like, something that I can say, a long goal.

How about if, I like that, we could have a long-term goal, something like that, but what about if every game, the person who you have someone keeping track and the person who boxes out the most gets a prize. after the game. You could do the pizza box out where you go get a pizza before the game and the person who boxes out the most gets a pizza or they get a crown or there's something where you're kind of rewarding the most box, not the most rebounds, the most times you see someone put themselves in the best position for the rebound. I like that. Yeah, that's fun. It might be expensive, but... I've got to pause. The butt funnel is an architectural term, actually,

and it's a small opening and a dance for it. And people walk through it, and it's only 30 inches wide. So as they walk through it, they rub butts or rub up against each other. And in the nightclub environment, the closer you make people, the more they interact, the more fun they have and a better experience they have. So I'm guessing there's a few marriages out there that started in a butt phone. Oh, started at a buck funnel, John Taffer. Is that what you say?

Yes, Jake, the butt funnel. It's a very simple way you put, you build, listen, stop, because you're insane for doubting me. I've watched every episode of Bar Rescue so many times that when a marathon's on, I'll still have it on. And I'll be like, I've watched this episode two times, and I still don't remember anything. I don't know what that, I don't know if that's me or Bar Rescue, but a butt funnel, you've got the little wall. You put a cup, instead of having an open space, people now have to scoop by each other. You know, we're doing some genital stuff, and they're getting married, like John Taffer said. Anyway, it's not about that.

A lot of people get married because of the fucking. That's what John said. That's what John said. John Taffer's words. Heather, what do you think of Garris' idea that if you do the bump, whoever does, the first person to 10 boxouts in a game gets a gift, like in the season? Or you do at the end of the season, whoever, like, you can. keep stats like you go you count score you count assists here's you count rebounds you count i think that's box outs i think that's good i would say let's start with a every game reward of some kind

because i would worry that there's i think what you'll see is after one game someone gets whatever we give them then the other kids start going i know we could do i can get the reward you know they started doing this in college football with turnovers they would give them like these kids they would give like necklaces like the university of Miami did it a couple years ago would be like the turnover crown and if you got a turnover you got the crown if you have a big if you are do the most box out in the game after the game you should put like a crown on the kid and be like you're the queen of a box out and everyone's got to go like box out queen yeah so there's like a big fun

reward about there a box out like a box hat you could get you can make like a box crown a box crown yeah something with a box like and then you take a photo of them with the box crown flexing and it's like employee of the week oh i got an all right and how about this how about if you win box out queen do you practice you practice obviously yeah we practice how about in practice if there's one thing the kid gets to pick one drill they want don't want to do each practice yes and during that they get a pass Okay. Yeah.

I feel like that would be really a good one. And I think they would really go for that. And it's like a little bit of the 12-year-old girl in me, like they're right at the cusp of that age of like, they don't always want much attention, but to get out of a drill, that would probably be a big one. I think that's a great idea.

So then you get both, you get all that. And then I do also think you should do the thing where you, are keeping track of that stat throughout the season and at the end of the season it is it's like you know what they can do get a gift certificate to like Sephora or whatever all the kids are into or a pizza party where they're it's like because I agree about the attention if they don't want that they can just get

something yeah okay yeah so I do like a box out thermometer and if like we reach a certain amount of box out oh that's such a good idea because then you do it as a team yes that's great yeah if everybody gets it one practice is just a pizza party yep yeah oh yeah that's a good one yeah okay so it'll be like a dual thing like every there will be the box out thing that happens at the end of every game yep and then in practice you get to sit out of something and then there will be like the longer term like boxed out thermometer i think this is great are you happy with it yeah yeah i feel like um yeah one last thing before we go

funnel is an architectural term actually it's a small opening and a dance for and people walk through it and it's only 30 inches wide so as they walk through it they rub butts or rub up against each other and in the nightclub environment the closer you make people the more they interact the more fun they have and a better experience they have so i'm guessing there's a few marriages out there So, Heather, thank you so much for the call. We appreciate it and follow up with us. Let us know how those. Can't wait to see how this works. Hello.

Okay, thank you so much. All right, thank you, Heather. Goodbye. Oh, my God. This episode is brought to you by Squarespace. In our last ad, I talked about somebody creating a Squarespace spot for a weird here to help people have been writing in we are talking to square space we're going to do this why hasn't it happened yet who knows things are slow there's a lot cooking it's a busy world but we appreciate

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gill sent me remember him gilly bean to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain wherever you are gilly we're thinking about you i had another nocturnal omission fake boners at the wrong time this just happens i can't stand up right now i'm getting another one. It's so unpredictable at my age. Caller, I hope you're a man. Hello. What's your name, please? Hello. Great. My name's Matt.

Hey, Matt. How are you doing, Matt? Hey, good, good, good. How are you guys doing? Great, man. I got a pimple. Matt, how old are you, but? 65. 65. You said 65?

65, yeah, yeah. I think this might be our eldest caller, Jake. Hey, Matt, welcome to the goddamn show. we get a little bit of maturity on the show. We get a little bit of wisdom. Well, my daughters love you guys. So, you know, I told them my situation. I said, we got to, you should speak to these guys.

I'm like, who are they? I have no idea. Right on. Well, that's a less positive turn of events. This relationship is taking a dive. It started off awesome. Did you see, Maddie how I was laying on my back in the submissive position to you and you just dominated me?

I would say he was acting like his garage dummy, but you wouldn't even understand the reference. Matt, we don't need to do any questions with Matt. We got a sense. What's going on today, pal? You know, they said you're here to help, so I got a situation that I could use some help with. Okay, great, great, great.

So I've been a friend of a guy since I'm 25 years old. You rented me his apartment, and he's a dentist, right? So he actually made me his brother so I could rent his apartment in New York City. And for years, he's been my dentist. He's a rent control. And you're out. Yeah, well, just because they wouldn't, you know, they wouldn't let you take it a list with somebody.

Keep doing the family. Just the way you phrased it, the way you phrased it is interesting. But yes, keep going. I don't think so. I think he did a fine job. I think it's strange. You're on my team. Do you understand me?

Go ahead, Matt. Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha. So anyway, every year I've been seeing this guy, this is 40 years going on. He's been my dentist. And more recently, I went to see him. And as he's working on me, his hands started to shake

and shake a lot not just a little bit and he's in my mouth and I'm thinking hmm I don't really notice this is not going to go well if this thing continues

so I really I went once and then you know the time before there's a little tremor this was a lot more so it's like I don't really know what to do

because he's got I really should see another dentist but if I go to see another dentist, do I tell him... You're screwed, Matt, because you live in his apartment. Yeah. Well, I don't live in his apartment anymore, but I lived in his apartment back then. Oh, okay. And he referred to me as his brother.

I got it. I understand him now. So, like, I go into the office and he hugs me and we're, like, friends. Yeah. And it's like, oh, no, here's a guy. His hands are shaken. I get this. And he's working on my mouth.

And Matt, first of all, what are your daughter's names? Dana, Margot, and Grace. I want to thank all three of those women, whoever told you to call in. They're dead right. This is a great call for us. They get the show. They're a big part of the team. And so thank you, ladies.

Second, one thing I want to relate to you on is my old man before he passed away had Parkinson's disease. So he had a heavy handshake. But he said something to me, which was still one of the funnier things. anybody's ever said, and he said it sincerely. He had had prostate cancer, too, before they took his prostate out, and in doing so, that takes away your ability to get an erection. And he said, this is a nightmare, Jake. And he goes, because my hand is shaken like it's somebody else's,

but they killed my dick, so I can't even do anything fun with it. I mean, he's got a vibrating hand. He goes like, could you imagine if my dick worked? It's not my hand. And I thought, that's the funniest take on Parkinson's I've ever heard. Oh, my God. But, Matt, that's not the situation we're in with you. Yeah, I shouldn't tell him that.

Let's name the dentist. I should tell him there's a benefit to this, yeah. Yeah, have you ever considered putting your hand down your pants? It's like it's somebody else's hands, sir. Well, that's actually maybe one of the ways to do it. Ask for a happy ending at the dentist. Not enough people are doing that. I could completely sour the relationship.

It would. get not completely at one hey uh i got a cavity or we can get well we can get much closer that's all right yeah it could go either hey i got a i got a tooth that needs extract i got another area with ache okay so matt i got loinache here's where we're at you've had a 40 year friendship with a dentist that has blurred the line of even friends to family you've been loyal to each other you've been kind to each other as he's aged he might have a little parkinson's his hands get and shaky. You can't have that in your mouth. So how do we break up with the dentist while not hurting his feelings is kind of where we're at, correct? You got it. Okay. And Matt, sorry,

this is Jesse, the producer. You did, your daughter shared that you did see a new dentist recently, right? All right. So full story here yesterday. Thank you, Jesse. Hey, Matt. Hey, Matt. We're going to need the truth here, babe. You know what I mean? All right. All right. all right all right so yesterday i actually went to this younger guy and you know i i sat there he was very good you know gave me a full exam he's like he's going to be a great dentist and i asked him the question like what do i do cheating and two timer he's liking it too much a younger guy's great hands yeah don't say no shakes don't say tooth timer let the audience no shake i agree they will.

65% will love it. All right, man. So you had a great experience yesterday. You met a new love. So I had a great thing. And this guy said, you kind of can ghost him. Like, people ghost me once in a while. No, you can't.

No. This guy, the younger dentist doesn't get it. He's a new generation. If he was just your dentist, maybe. But like you said, this is a friend. Right. Yeah, but also, even the fact that this dentist is using the term ghost, he's not of your generation, man.

No. You're having an affair with a, younger hot dentist, but he ain't you. You probably thought he meant kill him. Ghost him. I'm going to ghost him. I'll put him in the Hudson River. I'll tell you what.

I'm going to throw him in the Hudson and ghost him. I don't think we ghost, Matt. I don't think that's the right move. But I don't think we... That doesn't work for me. I don't think we head on confront, though. I will say this to you, Gareth. Do you ghost people at your age?

I mean, that seriously? No. I don't think so. It's not part of our era. No, I think there's, I'm trying to think if I even have any comparable comps. Yeah, relationships where like I have needed to, it's been a while since I've had to do something. I'll tell a doctor or dentist I'm moving on. Yeah, I definitely done that.

All right, so Matt, just to see a sense of where you're starting from, how often do you see this dentist? Is it once a year, twice a year? What's going on with those teeth of yours, babe? Now, I see it about three times a year. Yeah. What's going to just for cleaning? Yeah, we got some stuff. I mean, nothing, yeah, nothing, no, there's nothing particularly, you know, at a certain point I'll leave some work.

But, no, I'm pretty good right now. Okay. And how far away from your home? Let's just call them Dr. D. How far away is Dr. D from you? Probably about, like, I don't know, 15 minutes. Fuck, that's close. I know.

It's too close. It's too close. It's too close. You can't use that. Does he know anything about your family? Or not really? You know, just very generally, very generally. Not really.

They don't go to him. Is there a lie in this? Just so I'm going to start pitching. One of your daughters or one of your daughter's husbands is a dentist and you got to go to him. Dating a dentist. And it's just an email where you go, I'm in a tough spot here, Dr. D. You know I've loved going with you. I have forever.

my youngest Margo is in dental school. She's insisting on doing the teeth myself. What am I going to do? She's my kid. I might have to come to you once a year or so just to double check her work. But let me play this by here. You know, I got nothing but love for you. But what am I going to say?

She's my kid. I prefer your shaky-ass weird hands. I mean, he knows my kids are not dentists. But maybe they're boyfriends or. That's what Jake's pitching, I think. I think it's the idea. Or the boyfriend. She's dating somebody.

Yeah, she's dating someone who is a dentist. And she, I think you could make that argument. I'll throw you, I think that one works. A couple others you could maybe pair with each other could be, you could go in and you could fake a little stabbing. You could go in and when he's in there, overdo a Ah, walk us through this, Gareth.

So, okay, so we go in, so he's shaky. He has to know something's going on. But, hold on, is he shaky with tools? He's shaky in the mouth. He's in the mouth, shaking. By the way, that's scary. So you fake a pain. The pick.

Yeah, so when he's got the... Hold on, Matt, did you say the pick? Yeah, they put the pick in your mouth. He's poking around. He's shaking with the pick? Yep. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's a big shaker.

He can't. it shut it off. So I think when you're, when he's in there with the pick, you do, I, I remember before I, there was a nice gap in my 20s where I had no health care. And, uh, and I, and my teeth, I'm British. So my teeth are trying to evacuate my mouth as fast as possible. And I ended up going to this dentist above a liquor store. And he was drilling. Stop bragging. He was drilling. He was drilling in. And the drill broke in my mouth. And like, the bit was in my mouth. And like, the bit was in my mouth and I was like, uh, and we both looked at each other like, well. You both looked at Jango, what year is it, 1887?

Yeah, we were both like highly unexceptive, even for a dentist above a liquor store. Even for two guys doing this in an old horror house out west. Yeah, and he was pouring whiskey and Saspiro in my mouth to spit. Well, a couple guys are playing stud downstairs. Yeah, there's shoot. I hear shootings. Just bullets are coming in through the floor. But, but it makes me think that you could.

You know, if he's, he's got to know. So you could do a thing where you just go, like, when he's in there, ah, gee, oh, my God, you know, one of those. You could also pair that with the daughter dating a dentist. Before you go on, Gareth, Matt, what do you think of the fake injury? Hmm. You know, I have to, like, really sell that. I've been, you're in the chair, you know, the guy hits you,

and you kind of look away and it's in your mouth. I can do it. Let's do this really fast, Matt, hold on. Let's do this really fast, Gareth, if you don't mind. Matt, you and I, can we do a quick roleplay where I'm going to be the dentist and you're you? Go for it. Now, pretend your mouth is open and I got the pick, okay?

Okay, there we go. I'm not doing a lot of talking. I'm just doing the, I got the mask on, so I'm just going to the nurse. I'll beat Fortnite's a little bit. 6-2 has a little bit of build-up. I don't know if you look at the 7th quarter. Oh, what?

What happened? What do you do? What are you doing? What do you mean? What am I doing? What happened? Get out of my mouth. By the way, if we were a show that had sound clips, just clip, get out of my mouth the way he just said it.

You know, it's so funny. I have thought about that recently. I know. I want the... I mean, we can't get into the drops world because it's all... But that would be a fantastic drop. You know what we could do for the drop world?

Because that's something, instead of saying merch, I would love a button, we could each push. I wonder what the technology is that. It's just being able to get something. We don't want... We're opening a nightmare. Okay.

You're not wrong. Hey, Matt. Yeah, I can see it have many applications. Yeah. Okay, go ahead, Gareth. What if you lost your insurance? What if he doesn't take your insurance anymore? You've changed insurances.

There's a lot of fluctuation in that. So maybe that could be, again, that could also be combined with Jake's pitch if you want it. I also have one crazy one that is not even worth saying. So I'm not even going to say. I got a crazy one too, actually. Go. Hey, Matt, do you care if Dr. D is in your life as you move forward? Well, he's only been in my life when I'm at the day.

So it's, I'm not quite sure what, you know, forward would mean. What if one of your daughters wrote to him that you passed away? Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I, mine was safe that you have veneers. You're, you're, that's a ghosting. Ghosting. Just one of these, just one of these not.

Jake, what if he wants to go to his funeral? It's a hell of a point. He would want and never mind. Hey, and guess what? That guess what? We're renting a space. Show's paying for it. Keep going, Jake.

By the way, show would pay for that. Shows paying for it. And Steve Berg would be the guy who has to give a sick. Matt was an unbelievable. By the way, Matt, Berg's a guy on our show if you listen to you know. Either Matt, or we do it more seriously and my brother does it. My brother would do a very good job.

Your brother. And people would believe my brother. Do you want to bring the party starter energy to Matt's fake funeral? I think we need Berg-Somber. You know what I actually want to do for our show? Get the van. Fake funeral. Matt, Matt, okay, look,

this happens sometimes when we're pitching. What Jake's just done is he's pitched the most fun version of all of this. We would love to produce your funeral and get involved, but also understand there's an extreme amount of darkness surrounding this. But if you're into it, I would say too much.

If you're into it, I mean, let us fake your funeral. I think my kids would be into it. Matt. Yeah, it's fake. Matt. They would play along with it. No, no, we're really good. close but you know they they want me out of the situation in a kind way so yeah all right so let's talk

for a second matt because here's what i really think i like the fake funeral i don't think we go that route i think natalie was dead right about the funeral i didn't think about it gareth uh i've never been more in my real pitch to you is you do a daughter's boyfriend or a like you have to start seeing this guy but you'll be back soon you just want to let him know personally because you have such a good relationship. Gareth's main pitch is a fake injury. I will tell you, just from the first take we did, it scared me your performance, because if that thing goes sideways, we're in a bad way, you want to try one more time to do

a little bit of acting there and see if we can pull some out of here? Let me add an additional marble on the scale of why I like that one. Okay. This guy should not be, he should not be a dentist. So something like this. We're not looking to shut an old guy down. He's in there with jiggly hands. The guy who checked my prostate had a shaky hand and I tipped him.

It wasn't a guy. It wasn't a doctor. It was a person in an alley. It's just a shaky hand, son of a bitch. All right, Matt, so you'll play yourself. Jake, you want to play the dentist again on this one? Please. I would prefer to. Really, really throw yourself into this role.

Kind of clean your own slate. Before we start, I'm embarrassed about what happened in that alley. Hey. I just said this. You checked my prostate with a fake, shaky hand. Where were you? I was with you. You were the guy.

It was right after we poured beers on our head. Action. The day we met. Deep four, can we get a little bit? There's a little bit of plaque on that. I'm sorry, glad to check you. Just in the back. Give me one second here.

I'm just at the molar. Get your hand out of there. Why? It killed me. Wow, your teeth are a little sensitive here, babe, but we're working on it. Fingers in my nose. What? Okay, I'm going to jump in the direction.

I don't think we do this, Garrett. Matt, let me do this. Man, I love you, but this isn't the skill set. Jake, you do, go again. I'm going to be Matt, and let's see if we give him a, like, Hey, Matt, will you listen to how Garrett does it? All right. Yeah, please model it for me.

All right, ready, here we go. Action. Oh, we got a little bit of buildup on 7-9. I actually have been having some pain a little further back. Okay, give me a second. Well, I'm not seeing anything. Ow! Oh, my God!

Ah! Oh! Your hand shook and it. That got me right on the gum. My gums are so sensitive there. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. What happened?

The pick, you... Oh, shit. Your hand kind of... I did? Jilted into my gum. Oh, shit. Did you not notice you did that? No, no, no.

I'm so sorry. Oh, my God. Oh, I'm sorry. Can we stop? Sorry, I'm not trying to be difficult, but that really... There were a couple other times you were kind of banging into a certain part. Yeah, like your hand was... Cut.

Gareth. Have you become a way better actor all of a sudden? Yes. Did you go to acting classes? Yes. I mean, who am I? What are you, Daniel Day Lewis? Yes.

Wow. Matt, why don't you copy Daniel Day Reynolds a little bit and see what you come up with? And Gareth, why don't you be the... I know they're big shoes to fill. Big shoes. Yeah, but guess what? That's why you got big feet, baby. Let's see what you got. Believe in yourself. All right. Three, two, Piggly and... Nope. All right, here we go. Let's just see what I got back here.

There's a good amount of buildup back here, Matt. What? Hey! You're your picks hitting my gum, hitting my tongue. Really? What are you? Dr. Seuss? Really?

I think you hit my tons. I think he'd my tonsils. No. Matt, what are you talking about? I'm just trying to give you a cleaning. Your hand shaking. This is a confrontation. Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. You're a friend, but it's. It's this, this is, I don't know. Matt. The apartment. Hmm. That was 40 years ago. Okay, stop. Here, Matt, first of all, Matt, great job. Yeah. Hey, not to be being to Garrett, but all of a sudden, now, if I'm a casting director, I don't know who to cast.

Both guys are great. Stop it. I'm going to put a pin in both here. Are you guys free for wardrobe on Monday? Absolutely. I have nothing to do. I mean, I'm very busy, but I will make myself available. Matt, here's my fear of that. And I'm just being honest.

You're going to hurt his feelings. He's hurting his feelings. 75% of the audience like that one. I agree it better. That was better. I thought that was pretty good. That was great. That was very good.

That was very good. But the tooth one was so bad before. I agree. I mean, it only pales into what just happened. I agree. But keep going. But so, Matt, here's where I think we're at. You could do that and it would work.

But the origins of this is we don't want to hurt his feelings. And we're not in the – this show is not about how do we close down the shop of a dentist. I don't want to shut him down. If people don't want to go to him because of shaky hands, that's their decision. I think you're right in that, Matt, if we're looking to give you the path of least resistance to solving your problem, I think we probably have talked past the close in the idea that you could do a double. You could say you've lost your insurance and your daughter's new fella. No, because if the loss insurance, what if he says, we're old friends.

I'll give you a deal. Just come on then. I'm not cutting you off. Not wrong. I think it's my youngest daughter is dating a dentist and she's applying pressure for me to go. Let me see this one out. If anything changes, you know I'll be back. I loved you like that for 40 years.

And he'll write back. I totally get it. And you go, no matter what, let's find each other for a lunch real soon on me. That's great. Right? I like that. that feels respectful

yeah and we're not commented on the hand that is handshake when gareth had his shaky hand he was checking my prostate I didn't say anything

I paid him more Jake Matt we're trying to keep this pretty focused on you so you feel good about you feel good about all that Matt I feel great about I didn't feel like

there was any possibility but that's like that sounds pretty good plus it's I don't have to call him I could just write Oh, it's emails. Now, let me ask you a question, Matt.

As a guy who is 65, our eldest caller, we respect the hell of that. We want more people closer to our age, me and Garrisage. You didn't know who we were. Your daughters told you to call. What do you think? How did this go? Oh, you guys are great. You know, this is really comfortable.

Yeah. You know, if I have other problems, I know who to call now. But also, maybe listen. Maybe listen. Maybe subscribe. Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, I didn't want to listen beforehand

because I didn't really know what I was getting into, but... Well, maybe you'll check it out a little bit. Yeah, it's good idea, right? They love you guys. They really do. They, like, I think they listen to every single one of your episodes. I'll like to hear. I'll tell you, I was just in New York City.

I'm doing a little job out there. He's shooting a TV show, Matt. He's trying to be, you know, demure. Very successful, man. Well, God, let me tell you this. You've told me this for years, but I've never seen. Gareth always says, once you get out there, you'll see we got a lot of fans.

People I was walking around with Oliver Raleigh, who does our theme song, which a couple of people stopped us and said, hey, love the podcast, listen to every episode. See, Matt? See, Matt, what's going to happen is you're going to get retroactively starstruck by being on this show. You're going to listen to you go, wow, I was in the spotlight with these gyms. Right now, you couldn't give a shit. I don't think he's going to give a shit later. No, no, no, no, I'm going to listen.

I'm going to listen. Good. And then do me a favor, Matt. I'll tell some of my friends. Tell some of my friends. By the way, is it crazy to put it in the dental email? Just drop it, by the way, also. Don't put it in the dental email.

Exactly. Matt, you're the best. Thank you for the phone. Matt, follow up with us. That's something we require. We want you to come back for a follow-up appointment. I'll do that. See you on the way out.

And we'll shake our hands in your mouth. We'll really show you what's up. All right, Matt. Appreciate it. Thanks, Matt. All right. Take care. Bye.

That was fucking killing. That's a classic. That's awesome. That was great. Sweet Jesse here. This next call is a follow-up to episode 205, Find Your Switzer. Hello. Hello.

Hi, welcome back. Hey, thanks. How's it going? Good. How are you? Oh, I'm pretty great. Yeah, you are. That's right.

We don't know who you are. Who are you, and what was the first call, please? This is Joe from Milwaukee, and I'm calling regarding winning the best of trivia competition. Oh, dude. What? Yeah. Well, why don't you remind people, I mean, remind people where we started, and then we'll find out where we are. Sure.

So we've won it in the past. I'm trying to win it again. It's been two years since we've won. We're having trouble getting people to vote for us. And I'm also retiring from hosting the quiz at the end of this year. So we're trying to go out on top. Bar trivia. You host Bar Trivia.

You've won in Milwaukee. Is it a Milwaukee publication you wanted it in a couple times? And then you've kind of had a dry spell. And you're trying to go out on top. Yes, that's correct. Okay. And then our pitch was, what was our pitch exactly? I mean, it was to just,

it was multi-tiered yeah drum up support yeah drum up support make a website kind of go campaign mode with chotchki swag hats buttons

and also find a replacement to take over the quiz and try to get them to also win it for the following year to establish a sort of a dynasty situation

that's I think that's Jake's edition I would guess the dynasty really really really yeah I want Okay, so we gave you a bunch of pitches on how to really take a strangle hold on it And the voting was, is in October, is that right?

Yeah, the nomination round has begun right now So from now until the end of September, people can just write in any old bar To be Best Bar Trivia. Right. And then the final actual voting round is probably going to start sometime middle of October would be my guest.

Okay. Well, where are we now? So now we have, we made a website, my wonderful wife made us a website on Scorespace, vote blackbirds.org. And we have also found two potential replacement candidates. So right now we've got a good website set up to get people to nominate us, and then we can update it when the final voting starts to run people there as well. Okay.

Okay. And then, uh, so what, I mean, so you're just in the pocket right now. You're waiting to sort of like see where this goes and I mean, we can help. We, we sort of said we'd pump it up a little bit, right? Yeah. Yeah. Right now, right now we've, we've, you know, we're in it. So we're doing it now.

So thanks to your guys is actually airing the episode and gave me the push I needed to really decide to go for it. So it's all underway. I love it. I think we're going to need another follow-up to see what happens. Oh, this is the website. Yeah, we got your website here. Oh, this looks awesome.

This is great. And then you've got a link there. You've got a link there to take me to the vote. Good scrolling text. He asked a podcast for some advice. It looks nice, man. Promoting me as Brian the security guard. This looks awesome, dude.

Okay, so I guess what we can do, I mean, is we'll, you know, we can link to the website on the socials and give it a push and we'll see what happens. Yeah, and then, yeah, I think Jake's right. I think just keep us posted and, you know, we'll do everything we can to get you out on top. You want to give one more push of why you guys should be the winners? Yeah. I mean, it says it right there in the FAQ. we're fully independent homegrown

so we're not a big franchise trivia we're free and we give out the best prizes to be honest I didn't realize there was big franchise trivia I didn't either I know I know it's crazy I don't like the idea of big franchise trivia no it's gross

so like it's like a company that does it or something yeah yeah most places are like companies that do it and you know they do a great job but I feel like the hosts are a little bit less engaged because they're not you know what They're guys like when Gareth was working kids' parties, and you've also worked kids parties. You work for a company.

Yeah. You work for, it's the worst of both worlds. You work for a company, and then your tax is an independent contractor. It's like all these other 1099 jobs where you're just like, wait, what? If you feel like voting, go vote. And please follow up with us again and let us know what happens if you guys want or not. Yeah, we'll follow up. I've got two people locked in to be new hosts.

And we were talking about some big game of. some sort of competition about voting on who would take over as host with the podcast help. But I'm not necessarily sure if that's something that has to happen. We were talking about that last time. Yeah, you were going to do the, we're here to vote saying with them. Yeah. Oh, we need to pick.

Yeah. We need to pick. Okay. Well, do we have to know these people. Yeah, we can definitely do like a call where we have the two people and we interview them. And then the audience could pick who they want to host it. I don't really remember that. But if that's what we said, I think that's a pretty solid idea.

It's probably your idea. Well, God damn, Matt. I like the sounds of it. Whoever came up with that is very smart. Jake, past Jake pitching to current, Jake. I love this guy's chats. Jesus, dude. He's got some good ideas, buddy.

Thanks, buddy, you too. Want to make weird rules about coffee? I did. I sure do. Hey, what's that chimp head? oh my man you're in for a ride do we like chimps yeah we think they're cool um yeah well we can definitely do something like that but that's not now because we don't have those guys on the line right right yeah i think that might be better once the final voting around starts at least to give us

okay all right buddy well thanks and then let's if we're if we're gonna have those guys on i'm not i'm not against each of one pitching why them and then we get people to vote yeah that's great the vote turned out really well for the lion's tickets we got a lot of people voting oh great Well, yeah, well, we'll employ that for you, Joe. All right, cool. Appreciate it. All right, fine. Hey, guys.

This is Jenny calling from the Chicagoland area. Just wanted to call in because I just listened to the most recent episode that had the follow-up from the man in the iron hair. And as a vet who's treated pet birds, I felt like I needed to call in and help clarify the term budgie. so budgie is actually short for budger but they are known as parakeets in the u.s so i think that would have been known for all the american listeners but they are known as budgies in the UK and Australia and Australia is actually where this is so found in the wild so i just thought you'd like to know that although i did love hearing the other theories

of the pod we're here to help is hosted by july we're here to help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question at helpful pod at gmail.com. And if you want to watch video episodes of we're here to help,

you can go to our Patreon at patreon.com slash here to help pod to see our entire catalog. We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grimm Productions, executive producers Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter, and Natalie Hollis, Associate producer Jesse Thurston,

editing mix and master by Chris Foller. Theemed song by Oliver Raleigh, The cover artwork is by James Fostike, animations by Andrew Strelecki. And if you'd like to see Gareth, who stand up on the road, go to garethrethrenolds.com. Remember all of the advice given on we're here to help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions. All video episodes of season one are available now on Patreon, and season two video episodes will be available every Monday starting January 20th.

Go to patreon.com forward slash here to help pod. What's up everybody? I'm Kyle Mooney. And what's up everybody? I'm Beck Bennett. And man, ooh, we got something to tell you. Oh, yeah, we definitely do. Yes, it's a brand new podcast on Headgum. That's right. And it's called What's Our Podcast? Yep. And that's because we don't have a single idea what our podcast she'd be about.

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