We're Here to Help - 222: Weird Here to Help: Hunk of Iron & Dinosaur Juice

Episode Date: October 24, 2025

Guest hosts Steve Berg and Eric Edelstein confront a local vampire and prepare a caller for a pet photo shoot.See images from the episode here: http://www.heretohelppod.com/post/episode-222Want to call in? Email your question to [e-mail]: https://patreon.com/heretohelppodMERCH: heretohelppod.comINSTAGRAM: @HereToHelpPodIf you’re enjoying the show, make sure to rate We’re Here to Help 5-Stars on Apple Podcasts.Visit gemini.google/students to learn more and sign up. Terms apply.Advertise on We’re Here to Help via Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a headgum podcast. Their lettuce roll! Oh, my God, this is great. Eric, it is my favorite time of year. It is Halloween season. I mean, and hopefully in the next few episodes we'll be able to drop some little Halloween pre-treats to satiate the Halloween,

to satiate the people who love all the spooky stuff like myself. This is the one time of year where the kind of the world comes around where we are every day. Yes, this is our month. Eric, let me ask you a question. I have two questions for you off the bat. What was the favorite thing

you ever dressed up as as a kid? this isn't spooky but I was Jim McMahon two years in a row for Halloween the punky QB yeah yeah and then I did Frankenstein a lot to me the universal horror movies are still my absolute favorite agree so I would dress up as the Boris Karloff Frankenstein he is still a huge personal hero to me now here's a question I have for you like what's the difference between like because you're always kind of dressed like Frankenstein like That was incredibly mean. You just said that out loud.

Don't make me call you a big guy, but big guy, you just said that out loud. But, you know, as long as you're probing, Steve, I'll give it to you. First crush I ever really had in this life was Elsa Lancaster, the bride of Frankenstein. Ooh, yeah. Very young me, and I felt some strange feelings stirring up that haven't left since. Okay, okay, God. I'm here to be honest, all right? These people have been through the Rubicon with us.

They've crossed it. They know. But, yeah, Elsa, Lancaster, was. a big point. And I love those original Universal Movie Monsters so much. Bell Logosy, Boris Karloff, Ron Cheney, Jr., Jr., senior. So I was Frankenstein

a whole bunch, and Jim McMahon, and based on some of the stuff Jim McMahon saying these days now, they're not too different. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I'll tell you what, I was, my favorite Halloween costume, I loved so much. I did it again the next year. Just like you, two times a bro. It was

Mad Max. Oh, Mel Gibson? Oh, yeah. Unfortunately, Mel's a problem that a guy. I'm separating art from the arts. No, no, no. We didn't know at the time. Yeah. I love the Mad Max films.

And so I had even, like, the one shoulder pad like he had. My dad, like, saw the shoulder pad in half. It was great. This is amazing and in no way surprising. Yeah, yeah. I've been fixated on the apocalypse my whole life, I think. You're ready. That's why when this shit goes down, I'm coming your way.

That's, yeah. I already have an eye patch. I keep in my closet that I will put on immediately when shit goes down. Because if you have an eye patch on, people ain't going to mess with you, man. No, no. They know this. guy's already seen some stuff and lost some vision doing it. Absolutely.

So what are you going to be for Halloween this year? I don't, like I love Halloween, but I'm not a big dress-up guy. However, I will say this. On Halloween, guess what I'm going to be doing? What? I'm going to be in the Blue Ridge Mountains on a three-day Bigfoot expedition with six people. No, you're not. Led by a husband and wife, Bigfoot team.

Are you kidding? Camping in the middle of, yeah, I'm serious. I am legit nervous because this area has a ton of Bigfoot reports and other paranormal weirdness. So I'm going, I'm taking a leap of faith, me and another dude who I know, a colleague, we are taking a leap of faith and going to go camp with total strangers in an undisclosed location in the Blue Ridge Mountains. And here's what I love about you, Steve, that this sounds fun to you of camping with strangers. I would be so terrified, so worried about a bunch of stuff. And I just want to say, I applaud you for doing this because you would need a firearm to get me to do this. Well, thanks.

I do appreciate it. Yeah, the one thing they were saying, we had like a little Zoom meeting with the husband and wife team. And they were like, you know, the do's and don'ts. And they were like, oh, you're getting to bring rattlesnake guards for your pants. I'm like, all right, whatever. What? What? Yeah.

That's scarier than Bigfoot. Well, what's scary to me is that they were like, no dope, no alcohol. And I was like, uh, huh? Why? I don't know, but my solve for that is I'll just, you know, pocket some edibles for the road. It's like, if you're out there in the Blue Ridge Mountains, looking to mix it up with old Sasquatch and some flying orbs of lights, I'm going to need 10 milligrams in me. Yeah, and here's a spoiler. Every single listener of the show knew you were going to sneak edibles.

Of course, yeah, that's a given, right? But do you know why they're saying no weed, no booze? Like, to me, if you're going out looking for Bigfoot, that would be the perfect time to adults and some weed or booze. I think maybe it's just so people don't get unruly. You know, there's plenty of people out there's plenty of people out in the big bus scene. It's strangers. Yeah, there's people who can't handle that stuff. And then, you know, I probably wouldn't want to deal with a bunch of roustabouts either who are all boozed up.

But the booze thing I get, but no dope. Isn't it funny? You're not a big dress-up guy. And I'm not a big dress-up guy even. I'm not. Yeah, I love Halloween. And yeah, and there's this real fun Halloween party, and everybody goes all out and dresses up. And I went there last year and just, like, threw on a jack and said, hey, I'm Colombo.

And I definitely felt like I was not accepted there. Like everyone else went so far above and beyond and I really phoned it in. So this year, I think I'm going to go as Victor French on Highway to Heaven. I have the A's hat. I have the Harrington jacket. I have the skeptical. But Jonathan, what's the big guy saying we need now? So I think, and I feel like people that know will know, oh, God, that's the guy from Highway to Heaven.

That's funny. Not knowing that's kind of how I regularly dress in life. I already have an A's hat. I mean, I'm not trying toot my own horn here, but I'm the one who called out that you looked exactly like a Victor French that one day. No, and it made me so happy. I was like, Johnson, in a way, it's kind of a bizarreo Michael Landon. He is. He is.

Imagine Johnson with that Michael Landon hair. Oh, he'd be incredible. And he's got a great head of hair. I'm envious of his hair. He needs to let it roll. I mean, I think we're gearing toward a highway to heaven reboot way, way, way down the road. When he doesn't wear as much about quality, I'm just going to. try to browbeat him into being Michael Landon again

and let me be Victor French. Is Jake our generations Michael Landon? He could be our generation's a lot of things. I think he can be our generation's Pacino. He could also be our generation's Michael Landon. We're in a great choose-your-own adventure here and I'm excited to see what he does. He's got some really cool stuff coming out. He can be our generation Sal Minio.

Be careful, easy. That's some high strangers. Did not end well for poor Sal friends. Google's your friend and Sal's enemy. Poor guy We might need to look at where that went down for Salminio next time we come out We should maybe do a weird here to help Like look at some of these sorted Hollywood places

Go to where we lost Lenny Bruce Go to Salminio I can take you by Brando's old place Where he was trying to power his entire estate From electric eels that he kept in his pool Which was derailed when his cleaning lady's son jumped in He got an electric shock And he had to pay like 20 grand

we can go and then he was having they locked up his fridge so he couldn't eat and then they found that he picked the lock and he nod through a wheel of brie like a rat and then he was paying friends to throw bags of burger king over the fence what and i got a corner but i think ed bagley junior might have been one of those friends well begley you know i mean he was in some interesting circles back in the 70s in his drinking years you have to read his book his book is absolutely amazing and then we had a party a couple months ago. I brought my Tulsa and Albuquerque friends together and Ed Begley Jr. sat at this very table I'm at now. And when I say nobody in this world has better stories than Ed Begley Jr., nobody has better stories. Get his book. Ed Begley Jr.

Were at your house? Yeah. Yeah. He loved it. Yeah. I had a glorious friend of mine, Bradley James Dry, who cooked on the lowdown set. And he was like, I'd love to come out and cook for you and your friends, the way I cook for my family and my tribe back in Omaha. So I just started in Oklahoma. So I just started inviting friends over who I knew this would be awesome. We had the greatest group ever. All my Albuquerque and Tulsa friends got together and loved it. And nobody was more excited than Ed. He said, I went back for thirds. Bradley is a gifted, gifted chef. I'm like, yeah, Ed. So he's kind of a beacon for how I'd like you and I to be in our 80s. He is the coolest dude. And honestly, like, I can't believe he didn't tell me sooner, but Ed Begley being your house.

No. Hey, I can do multitudes. I got secrets, buddy. Sure. However, I'm like, I don't know. Like, I thought our friendship was stronger than that. Well, I don't want to know. It just came up now.

It was just another glorious day over here. You know how things are. Well, do you have anything coming up in terms of celebrating Halloween? Like, are you going to go to a Halloween party or do anything? Yeah, I think I'm going to go to a Halloween party. And I'm super excited. I'm going to dress up more of this year. and really participate, and then the day after, November 1st, Brian Jonestown Masker at Pappy

and Harriots. I am so excited. Hell yes. It's going to be amazing. You're going to have the best time. It was one of the best shows I've seen in years. All right, man. Well, I am fired up to take some calls. Eric. You ready to do this shit? Let's dig in. Let's see if we can help, Steve, on Weird Here to Help. This episode of We're Here to Help is brought to you by Mint Mobile. If you're still overpaying for wireless, it's time to say yes to saying no. At Mint Mobile, their favorite word is no. No contracts, no monthly bills, no overages, no hidden fees, no BS. Here's why I made the switch to getting premium wireless for $15 a month.

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on unlimited plant taxes and fees extra cement mobile for details. And we are brought to you by Quince. Oh, sweet Quince. As the weather cools, I'm swapping in the pieces that actually get the job done. Warm, durable, and built to last. And Quince delivers every time with war drooling. staples that will carry you through the season. I just shot my stand-up special two weeks ago.

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So why not do that with Zell? Gareth and I send money to each other via Zell. When we are in the hole to the other guy, the easiest way to do it is Zell. We both use it. We both know that it works. Pay and or request. Request money. Send me some money via Zell.

Why? Because yo to me, a little rat. Time to send me the money. money you owe me. My brother, the great Danny Jay, and I do something for each other that, to us, it's sincere and it's sweet. We always send each other money as gifts, and we do it randomly, and we use Zell. We'll just, every once in a while, he'll get $7.50 from me with a big subject that says, you deserve it. And even though he sends me money back, I know in his heart of hearts for a moment when he saw that $7.50 on a Tuesday morning, it's seven before work, he thought,

my brother loves me. And sure, when he sends me less back, do I think my brother loves me less? Sure, maybe a little. Whether it's a big moment or a small moment, Zell is here for you, so you can be there for them. When it counts, send money with Zell. Hello, how you doing, pal? Good. How about yourself? Uh, I'm doing a fan From this picture, I see you play a guitar. I do. And that's you? That's me.

I'm not going to lie, though. I plan on using a fake name. No, no, no. Okay, no more. I'm just saying, uh, Rick. Steve Rick. Think of it.

Fake name. My fault. My fault. My fault. My fault. Call it you're on the air. What's your name? Jack.

Jack. Okay. Jack. But that is you in the photo, because whoever is in the photo, I can already tell I really like. And I have similarities with. That's me. A younger version. Oh, let me just ask a quick question.

This will be a good way to do a vibe check with you. What is, like, your musical inspirations for you playing music? Like, what, what do you look? Not that you're emulating or copying, but like, what's, what's, you know, what's coming through you? Oh, man. I guess the easy answer would be, like, Kirk Cobain. Okay, cool. Hell yeah.

I think we're all old spied by Kurt. And, Jack, do you think, do you think Kurt Cobain, killed himself or was he murdered? Oh. Let's just start. Let's just start with the hard hitting journalism. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Let's call the mix. Okay. All right. All right. All right. All right. I think that's fair.

I think that's fair. I think we're all on the same page. We're a mixed kind of podcast. So Jack, where are you calling from? Jack, where are you calling from, Ben? Outside of Boston. Okay. I've heard of it.

He's heard of it. I've heard of it. I've heard of it. Jack, my brother. What is on your mind? What can we help you? you with today? Yeah, so I, um, so I, I bartended at a restaurant outside of Boston, and I think one of my

regulars is an energy vampire. Oh, oh, hey, like an actual. Oh, buddy. These are real. They walk among us. Yeah, yeah. Uh, these are, so go on. Let's fill us some details and give me some, give us some examples so we can have something

to work with here. Yeah. So, um, so he comes in with his friend. they're who I think is the familiar he's the guy he's draining energy from they're both like in their late 80s but the and the vampire

did they come in three or four times a week and the vampire like he's been getting over the course of the past year since he started bringing his friend he's been like ordering seconds of his meals and like getting more drinks he'll walk up to other tables and like start conversation

he started like he started dressing better like flashier he'll like undo buttons and show some chest hair he looks great he looks great yeah no and he's in his 80s and he's become a voracious eater and drinker yeah he's just like he's full of life just absolutely full of life and the guy he's with is just looks like worse every day like it's like Steve he's getting drained he's getting he's sucking he's sucking his youth through vampire vampiric uh powers and so i like started this joke that i was like i was like oh this guy's like an energy vampire like and like around work you know you got to have fun yeah joke around

and then like a month ago the vampire gets in oh so by the way he the vampire lives like 40 minutes away okay what the the familiar lives down the block but this guy doesn't pick him up and he like inchworms along the street to like get to this place he made the vampire makes the guy pay oh my god and he'll like fill out the she for him it's it's weird like he'll drive past this guy while he's like crawling with his cane to get down the street he'll drive past him park go inside order his drink and wait for this guy to show up okay jack i have to ask is jesse the producer how do you know where the vampire lives and how do you know and How have you seen this interaction with the car?

Because I bet I'm willing to say vampires are incredible overshares as well. I bet Jack knows way too much about a vampire. He's like, I mean, it's been coming in for, like you talk to people. You know what I mean? Like how's your day go? Like you just get to know people after a while, especially at the spot. So like, yeah, he's just like, oh, I live over in XYZ and stuff like that and like traffic.

You know, he'll tell you about like traffic on the way and stuff like that. And I live around the area, too, so I've seen the familiar, like, leave his apartment, you know, like, I see him around the block and stuff like that, regular. So, yeah, so I know, like, the, yeah, I know where they live and everything. Let me ask you this, yeah. Let me ask you this, Jack. What's the, uh, the vibe with the other patrons in the bar? Do they like, you see he's stirring conversations. He's like, you know, apparently kind of affable.

Yeah. Are the other patrons of the bar? like weirded out by this guy or they're like hey we love the vampire dude oh no they love him yeah they love him that's what they do though he's really charismatic this guy gains life force by the day by draining his poor buddy that's right yeah that's right i i've seen enough buffy the vampire slayer to know that a vampire can charm just about anyone so everything came to ahead like a month ago where so this guy gets the vampire gets in you know before his friend obviously and he sits down he orders a margarita and he pulls out his iPad.

Okay, he's got the iPad. And from where he's sitting, like, if I'm at the computer, we can, like, I can see the iPad and like, I'm not nosy, but like, you know, you just like, glance over. Yeah. Can I just say there's nothing more interesting than somebody, some stranger texting in front of me? Whatever they're texting, I jump in, I read it. I'm like, it's fast. I can't help it. I'll crave my head.

It's like looking at the sun. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. You can't keep anything for me. I mean, Eric and I are, you know, we moonlight as espionage agents. So. Please. Yeah.

Please go on. So what was on this iPad? So he was just looking at the news, but his email, I don't want to dox him, but his email was like energy vampire at gmail. No, it's not. No, it is not. Are you kidding me? Yes. Oh, my God.

Okay. So right up the bat, right up the bat to put my supernatural hat on, this guy, this guy, sounds like he might be putting what we call him the business a glamour on this old man the old man who's hobbling around and who's paying for everything. So vampires, one of the powers that they have

is called a glamour, which basically means they can put like a spell on a person to get them to do anything they want, like anything they want. And like you said, it's almost as familiar. I think he might be a familiar, but like not of his own accord. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, he's trapped.

He's trapped. So are you looking for this guy just to get rid of this guy? Or are you looking to, like, you know, fight fire with fire and go into like a supernatural battle with him? I think I got I just got to figure, I figured I'd, you know, come to you guys and how do I get, how do I get proof or what do I do? The proof is certainly in that email address. Sometimes it's a crazy thing. They have to self-identify. They have to leave.

clues they have to leave breadcrumbs because it's part of the cosmic contract that they made and jack what i'm most concerned about right now because already i feel like we're friends and i'm very concerned about your energy and i worked in bars for years and i was a doorman and i beat the cat and the fiddle there weren't many fights there thank god because i would have run the other way because they weren't paying me enough to give this beautiful face hit but uh i remember i would there was a guy that would come in named martin and he would come in on sundays he'd start out sweetest pumpkin pie. He played keyboard in a church. And by the end of Sunday, he drank so much, he would say the worst things in the world to try to get me to hit him in the face. He would make weight jokes. He would

try to pinch my fat. He would never remember it. Oh, Steve. He would have, you should have knocked this guy's head off, dude. Well, then I go to jail. And then also, let's be honest, who knows if I could have beat him. Daddy hasn't been in a fight since middle school. And it's those little guys. That's how I got out of fights. And I was bouncing, by the way. They come up and want to fight me. And I'd be like, see this right knee here you look like you've done some martial arts yeah I'm in a dojo yeah you've already won you take out

slide my right knee I'm on the ground I'm like a goddamn turtle well no whether it's sure not that's how I got out of fights it was the anti-roadhouse instead of fighting it was negotiating my way out of it and telling me I've already won and then they're so confused they'd leave but I would feel so drained by these people

I would be grateful that it was a distraction time wise but I would feel so drained so first and foremost I want Jack to keep his energy intact because you're kind of captive there making drinks. And I think you actually have, I think we throw around the term energy vampire, but it's very real. You have friends that lift you. Every time I hang out with Steve, I'm so happy.

I feel my energy boosted. I don't want to stop hanging out. Even in the Zoom, I get sad when it's over. It's because I put a glamour on you years ago. Oh, hey, it's worked. And you can use a glamour for good. I've had a couple times I have overwhelmed people in audition rooms with energy and they've given me the part in the room and then after they consider like he did something in there. It's actually he's not right for this where I would like, well, that felt legally binding.

But Jack, how do you how do you feel when you're dealing with this creep? Dude, I let other people deal with them. Okay. That's already a big, big move. As soon as I saw the email, I was out, dude. I was out. Okay. A couple of quick things.

things you can. My first question is, this sounds crazy. This sounds crazy. Is there a mirror in the bar? Like, you know, a lot of bars have mirrors in the background? Like, is he, is he casting a reflection or not? They have a usual table. And now that you mention it, it's exactly where the mirror isn't. You just, oh my God. This is wild. This is wild. So, okay, you definitely have a psychic, look, and the technical turn is a psychic vampire, right? Okay. A couple things I would do. The first thing I would do as protection against, this is just psychic self-defense

one-on-one here. Carry a hunk of iron in your pocket. No way. What? You're kidding. Iron wards off the fay. It wars off all kinds of. What is fay, Steve?

Pretend you're talking to two people that are not deeply immeched in this. Jack, you're not being told to carry a hunk of iron in your pocket because it wards up the Faye. You're home, brother. You're home. You found the one pocket of the podcast world where you are going to get some goddamn help today. Steve, talk to about the iron and what

is Faye Big Daddy? I would say that is one of my big gripes with the public education system is that they should be teaching kids from a young age to carry iron in their pocket in case they run into a supernatural force. Right. Right. Everyone agrees with that. I mean, it's happening to me right now. None of us.

So, yeah. So, anyways, the Faye is basically fair. from the fairy realm, like Celtic fairy faith and Scottish fairy faith and Scandinavian fairy faith, every culture has their version of the Thay. And Muslim cultures, it's called the Jinn, which I'm not even supposed to say out loud, but I just did, so now I'm screwed. I'm shaking that off. I'm shaking that off.

Anyways, it's like a lot of the supernatural stuff may emanate from the Thay realm. Look, I don't have any scientific evidence on that. That's just a theory. However, we're talking about you dealing with a cycle. So this guy's actually calling himself an energy vampire, which is wild. And we are watching his friend lose his life force by the day. I can't believe he's sitting at the one table that doesn't cast a mirror reflection. That is insane.

So first off, for your own safety, I would definitely go and carry the hunk of iron. Now, I don't know how you're bent religiously, but, you know, typically we all know vampires do not like a cross. I wonder if, you know, maybe wearing a cross or, you know. Oh, wow. I'm just saying I know I Steve I was prepared to come out gunning look I mean I think it's great and it will it will keep him away right

and should I put it under their table oh wow that that's overt that's then war right I think what I think you act like you're having a late religious phase not unlike Bob Dylan in the early 80s when he came out and sang three hours of Christian music yeah you just act like God Jack's having a religious phase

that cross will keep him away don't you think too Steve I mean you know I personally have never been around a vampire, but I, you know, I'm just going by what the lore tells me, and the, you know, the lore of vampires is they do not like crosses. I would try the cross on the table. I love it. I would also, if you want to go the extra length, the extra mile, maybe put a little holy water in this drink. Wow. Wow. Wow. And see if the mouse starts smoking? Okay, Jack, you're regular smoking over there. Jack, this is a, I think, a more important question we might imagine. So you say that

this this this vampire's coming ordering two entrees yeah he'll he'll clean his plate and then order another one let me guess is it is a lot of beef things very rare you know it's it is a beef pasta that he gets yeah uh-huh but pasta does have garlic in it which is surprising he's good on garlic he he's good on garlic so we know that yeah okay okay well i believe the lost boy is a great movie about vampires they were they garlick didn't do anything to him but holy water did there's a famous line in it like where the vampire says garler don't work boys and then corey haym says yeah but holy water does and he shoots him with a whole so i mean like i feel like cori hame had a pretty good handle on vampires in the lost boys so that may have been would take him down and

according to some rumors he may have ran into one and mr charlie shee we don't want to get sued But we totally respect Mr. Sheen ordering from the other side of the menu. Let's not get into the same place. Well, so you're dealing with a specific kind of vampires called, like whether it's metaphorical or not, we all have been around people who drain our energy. And it is unpleasant, right? So whether he's supernatural or not, you got to deal with this thing. So I think you're doing the right thing by like having other, like, you know,

if other people aren't as bothered by this vampire, that's probably good to have them deal with it. However, you know, you're going to have to deal with them at some point. That's just, you know, it's your job. I would definitely put the hunk of iron in your pocket, and I would never stare into this person's eyes long enough because he will put a glamour on you faster and you can say in Mississippi.

I'm telling you right now, like those, do not stare deep into this man's eyes. Steve, where does one get a hunk of iron? Okay, so, you know, and this has actually come from our, a colleague and a friend of mine, John E. L. Tenney, where he would recommend that if your home is under some kind of like psychic paranormal attack,

go to a railroad. And on any railroad, there'll be railroad ties. And what a lot of people will do is, I should say a lot of people, probably like 12 people, they will put a railroad tie in every corner of their yard. And that will ward away bad spirits. No, you're kidding. Yeah. So I'm almost

wondering, you could, I don't know how your boss is fixed for this, but you could go walk down a railroad, which would be a nice little pleasant Sunday walk anyways. Oh, right? Come on. Right? Oh, beautiful. Yeah, bring a picnic and whatnot. You could get these railroad ties or you could go to a hardware store and just

buy some hunks of iron, I'm sure. And they'll know you're like, oh, for vampire protection? You know, yeah, they'll understand. They won't, they won't. They will not. What do you can explain it to him? Please don't, Jack. We want to keep your rep in the community. We want you to play in that music beautifully.

We are a believer in your talent. Yeah, well, I would, I would put, see if you can put some iron in the establishment. Just little hunks in the corners. Oh, wow, under his table. This may actually push this psychic vampire to go to another establishment. I really, like, if he is, if this guy is what I think he might be, I think the iron could be a good, like, first, first line of defense. I got to do something

I mean I have more examples I want more examples Jack give us more examples give it up so the his friend will like fall asleep at the table you know like when they get the food and he'll he'll lean in

the vampire will lean in and go wake up wake up wake up wake up wake up oh no yeah give us more Jack I'm like do I let this guy go like is it put your own life Fass on first like do i can i help this guy or do i got just got to like save myself i mean you have to

save yourself first what you're going to do with the iron and then also jack what do you know about grounding oh yeah what i would love to see yeah there is a massive power in grounding so what i would love for you to do and this is all science by the way before anybody starts laughing please do laugh that's why we're here this is real this is a serious issue yeah you know it is and you know you're in the right place, brother. Because I've felt this working in bars because a lot of people that come into bars are looking for something. And to people that aren't understanding this, perhaps the term vampire became physically synthesized of like biting the neck because of not being able to fully inadequately explain energy vampires. I always say negative people are like

the flu. You can feel it. They will bring you down. I make very active choices in my life not to be around them. Sometimes at the detriment of perhaps my career, other stuff from like, it is not not worth it for me to be dragged down by this person. But there is incredible science now on grounding. You sit underneath a tree, see how you feel, you will feel grounded. The other thing I would love for you to do, I want you to go bare feet in the grass. Yes. This will literally ground you, round your body and give you a force field. Your goal now is to have your energy. And whichever religious bent you have, I'd be so curious to see what happens. If you just casually give this guy's pasta and you're wearing a little cross around your neck.

Keep it hidden. We don't need anybody at the bar thinking you're anything that you're not religious-wise. But if you just kind of walk up to his table and let that cross dangling around your neck, oh boy. I also say this to you. As somebody who went to nine years of Catholic school, I want to thank the Jesuits for their incredible education that made me so open-minded, you go to a Catholic church. They're not going to bat an eye at any of this, and they will fix you up with some holy water.

They even sell the little containers there. If you went to a Catholic priest right now, they would just nod. And we now have a Pope from the south side of Chicago that I'm sure believes in all this stuff. So I don't know what the spiritual protocol is I'm putting holy water in his food. I think my friend Steve there might be taking very aggressive action.

But if you dust his booth with a little holy water, you hide some iron there. Already you're taking giant steps to protect your energy and the energy of this bar. I have a practical idea that doesn't involve the supernatural. So his familiar, this poor man who is paying for everything, and this guy is, by the way, my guess, this guy is probably 24 years old and he's been paid and he's been sucking the life out of this. Right? Yeah, right.

But what you could do, Jack, is he keeps on nodding off at the table. He does not look like he's well. As a person who owns an establishment that sells spirits, you could go up to this. this goes like, look, man, you've been over-served, you have to leave the bar. You're falling asleep, and it's just not the look, the bar in the establishment really wants. Because that's fair.

If I was the owner of a bar and stuff like that, or a restaurant, I don't want some old dude who's passing out. That's not the environment I want to go have a cocktail in. If I'm you, and this is really bothering me, I go on the offensive. And I think next time the old man nods off in the bar, I think you can politely say, I worked at a bar too.

Someone was apparently drunk. I was a bouncer as well. They would say, you need to ask them to leave the bar because that's just not a good look for the establishment. It really isn't, though. You know, like, I feel like if you're, like, running a bar or restaurant and you're letting people, like, get over-served and rowdy and passing out at tables,

I mean, like, get him, you know, 86, that mother, he 86 is the victim, though, that energy vampire is coming after Jack. That's the problem. This is a victim. Think about that, Steve. Jack has watched in real time. and the vampire's energy build up. He's taken down two, three buttons

showing off that probably incredible white chest hair. He's probably going to start chatting up. People looking for sexual partners, Stephen. I'm just going to say that right now in the air. They have a hunger. Yeah, they have a hunger. He's going to go back to school, you know?

Yeah. Oh, my God, right? It's like the horror version of Rodney Dangerfield back to school. This guy is. I think if Jack kicks out the victim, then all of it. a sudden it's war. I think that, Steve. I totally respect your opinion. I just don't want Jack in a war with this guy. We've now given him a bunch of tools to adequately fight that war. We've given him provisions and a musket and good boots. But like all the grounding in the

world, all the energy streaming up, the iron, holy water across, it's going to be declared war if he starts taking away this guy's active victim. And that's what I'm telling Jack to do. I'll be All right. I respect it. Jack, how do you feel about that? Are you ready for this? I would go. Are you strapped in? Are you dialed in? I think if I'm, I'm good. I got to figure out how to do all this without looking totally schizophrenic. But yeah. No, no. You're a hero and you're going to do this quietly and you might save this goddamn bar. Let me ask you about the bar itself. How old is it? Is it one of those great haunted bars in the region that you're in?

I'm not going to mention. But like, what's the, because I was in a completely haunted bar called the cat and the fiddle here. and there were definitely spirits in there and not just the spirits being sold by the bartender. So tell me a little bit about the energy of the bar you're in and the history of it, please. Yeah, so it's about 20 years old. They do sit at like what we consider

like the cursed table. Oh, why is it a cursed table? Because it's happening. There's no mirror reflection. My God. Tell me about the cursed table. Well, so it has like a skylight above it. that like the joke the joke is that the joke

has been for years for like 10 years that if the constellations are different in the skylight like we think it's like all the bad energy of the place like comes in through that it's a conduit it's a portal

it's a conduit wow yeah I mean I had to I had to like I guess like slow roll a lot of this stuff because like we got a lot of lore you know what I mean and I didn't want to seem totally crazy you know you know the show you called into, right? You might be the

sanest person we've talked to in a while, including ourselves, including ourselves, but that also means a lot, that he's picking that booth, no mirror that is supposedly cursed with the constellations. My God. I think you're up against, sadly, I hate to report this, I think you're up against a very worthy adversary. Yeah, and

I would concur with that. I do think there are, you should try to take some steps. So, Jack, here's what I recommend and just let me know if this sounds good to you let's start with the iron let's get across you don't even have to brandish it you can keep it in your pocket as like as just kind of like a as a weapon that you have to pull out in case you need it I would also consider it it sounds bananas sprinkling a little bit of holy water which I know in Boston is readily available and you can walk into a church look I've seen plenty of movies where people are filling up their squirt guns with water bottles or with

the holy water. So I would try, I would try a cup of dashes on top of that margarita. See what happens. Do some experiments. This is going to be, I don't think there's an easy solve for this one cut and dry, but what you're trying to do is organically, with a little supernatural psychic self-defense, push this guy out of this bar into another. I would also consider going on the offensive and using the old man passing out at the table as a reason to kick them out. that's what I would do but you know if you don't want to go there I get it but what do you think

your plan is is there anything you're going to take away from this yeah I think I'm definitely going to take some iron and put it put it under the table or something or under like the chair and keep it on your person too I can't I got to ground myself too first and foremost first and foremost

you get some iron you stand in that grass for at least 10 minutes Eric is right in the money about that. And I mean, I would just arm yourself with the weapons of the psychic realm. I'm not trying to take on anyone else's energy, but I'm not worried about you. I think you're up against something here. You're watching somebody's life force get drained in front of you and the other person pick it up, which is what energy vampires do.

Those people that you feel weird hanging out with and maybe to our listeners, if you're hanging out with them out of obligation, stop. They will drain you dry. Yeah, so your whole play here, it sounds like you're going to go with the psychic self-defense. I think that's your first volley. However, I would say I would do some soul searching about being offensive, you know, going on the offense and getting and helping this poor old man. Because, I mean, like, it sounds like this guy is being taken advantage of. It sounds like he's got a glamour put on him.

But you could be the one to break this glamour and release this man from captivity. I mean, if nothing else, it's elder abuse, you know. Right. It sure is. Exactly. Exactly. So you can, you know, we got to protect our elders, right? That's incumbent upon all of us younger people. So go out there, help an old man. And when you're, by helping your old man, you're going to help yourself and you're going to help the establishment. Does that sound like a plan? Yeah, absolutely. Jack, will you please check in back with us because we are actively now. I'm sending you energy right now for your fight, but we really need to stay in touch with this. You have to check in with us regularly because you're about to undergo a battle. yeah yeah it's the real deal brother we believe and we believe in you big time yeah you got thank you you got this jack i'm ready to go all right brother we feel it good luck dog all right thank you thank you guys hope to see in your bar one day yeah absolutely or at or when you're playing live music whatever it is and then you're going to get a great song out of this more than

anything else you know that right yeah absolutely i hope you don't get a glimmer don't look in the eyes of this man either do not look in the eyes oh yeah no and we're in sunglasses wear it from now on. Amen, buddy. Hell yes. Sun glasses in a cross. Cancer Christmas. It's all, yeah, yeah.

All right, thanks, guys. Bye, buddy. This episode is brought to you by Squarespace. In our last ad, I talked about somebody creating a Squarespace spot for a weird here to help. People have been writing it in. We are talking to Squarespace. We're going to do this. why hasn't it happened yet who knows things are slow there's a lot cooking it's a busy world

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we're thinking about you. Lathered. Lathered up, Steve said. Hello, what's your name and who we're talking to? Where are you from, my friend? Hi, my name is Holly. Love it.

And I am calling from Texas. Ooh, we're in Texas. Let's get some specificity going here. Dallas, Texas. Ooh, Dallas. J.R. U. Mm-hmm. Okay.

There's a great reference for the kids. Sherry Brown. A show that went off the air in 1986. Oh, boy. We are deeply culturally relevant. Who killed J.R.? No, no, no. Dallas Cowboy cheerleader, Steve.

Okay. Holly, are you related to Jerry Brown, I'm the owner of the Dallas Cowboys, first off. Jerry Jones. Thank you. No, thankfully, I'm not. Yeah, he's a turkey. Okay, so.

He really is. They've not won it forever. It just shows you can get away with murder in today's America for your charismatic billionaire. Like, they've not won in forever, and he does this little snake oil stuff and distracts people and they forget about all the losing. Yeah, I hope you're not a Dallas Cowboys fan

because we don't want to come up with offensive. I'm not, I don't even watch the NFL. Are you a Dallas Cowboys fan? One, not a Dallas Cowboys fan. I also don't watch NFL. We're done. Yeah. We're done.

Okay, okay. Holly, well, gush, good gush, good gush, oh, darny. That didn't come out, right? That was just a word itself. What can we help you with today, friend? Lay it on us. All right. Yeah, absolutely.

I'll give you the situation and then the problem and what I need from y'all. So a portrait studio, like a photo portrait studio near me, is running a, a fur baby project where they're basically saying hey you can apply you come in and get your portrait made with your pet we will use the image to promote our business and then you as a thank you for participating get to receive an actual portrait these portraits are like 14 inches so that's already a lot um i found out this week that my application was accepted the problem is is that when I sent in the application, I may have had one or two

extra glasses of wine, but I didn't need to have. You rascal, Holly. Been there, friend. Holly's a good time, girl. Okay, this is good. I love that. That's what you do when you're drunk.

I'm shifting in my chair. You're not being destructive. You're not getting crazy. You're just trying to get a picture of you and your show, baby. Yeah, this is way better than stuff I do when I'm drunk. We're all at all. I'll order like a $500 UFO book from my, 1949 that I don't even want

Oh the stuff I bought on eBay Navajo clasp Are you kidding? Yeah we've made some mistakes Holly Okay so we already know we have something we can learn from all here Steve yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah I have a great respect for Holly Yeah definitely I follow I think I sold definitely in like the chaotic good Place in that

quadrant so um So when they when I spoke with the studio they were like you know we're so excited to have you do this. This is great. The problem is that because I applied or sent to my application when I was in Zoxigated, I remember about 10% of what I put on the application and I don't know why I was accepted

because I don't know what my application said. So I know that every time that I spoke with people, they all laughed really hard when they pulled up my application. I was not sent a copy of my application. So what I need help with is prepping for this portrait because this studio session or this studio has a really strict formal

dress code. I sent some, I sent the link in and maybe some pictures of what. Talk to us about this studio on the dress code. That's odd. It's, they're, because they usually do just normal portraits,

but this is whatever promo they're running, they are real fired up about bringing people in that have pets. But they have a formal dress code. Yeah. And underneath part of the dress code where it asks about like if you're considering casual where you really should consider like the longevity of this portrait that you will be receiving and the timelessness of it. So. First of all this is that she, she, Dallas, Dallas you're talking about. I'm not even joking. I feel like every picture I'm looking at is AI. Eric, do you feel like way? A lot of them,

a lot of them. And like look at the dog in the formal where like you understand. this is what my wife does and pictures of dogs, you know. They're definitely wanting more. They're definitely the, what about the one she's dressed like a pilgrim? She's dressed like Hester Prynne. It's terrifying. It's absolutely terrifying.

Yeah, this is the other side of Texas. This is like to get outside of Texas a little bit. But I think you can soar and rise above this. First off, most importantly, who is your fur baby? Yeah. So I have a cat named Rory. I also sent in photos of her named after Rory Gilmore, but like the earlier Rory Gilmore.

I'm a Gilmore real fan. Oh, sure. Yeah. Great show. Yeah. So, yeah, so named after the better version in the earlier season. Starr's hollow. And she's, I know for sure that when I did send in the application, I definitely worded some things like this might be a disaster.

So if y'all want to see like a real shit show go down between me and like that. Look at Rory. Rory is incredible. Oh, my God. What kind of cat is this? Beautiful. It's phenomenal. I don't.

know what kind of cat she is, but when I called the studio, one of the things that they told me was that underbreed on the application, I wrote long hair crackhead. I will not say this often. I think it's possible your slightly buzzed self is deeply in tune with your best self.

Because clearly you're getting results. I don't ever want on an advice show to say, keep drinking and taking big swings, but for you, keep drinking and taking big swings. Which brings me to my first pitch and suggestion is You know, like they say, like, if you study for a test high, you should take the test high. Sister, I'm wondering, I'm wondering if you, you can't bring a cat into a bar, but you could drink at home.

So, I mean, I'm thinking, what if you had two glasses, Sauvignon Blanca, Rose, or something nice and chilled? Because I would feel like it's hot in Texas. And then you take an Uber over there. Yeah, or, yeah, have someone drive me. And I'm sure there will have me take in, like, a. water bottle, quote-unquote. Absolutely. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. And Uber's will let you take a cat. They'd be lucky to me, Roar. Are you decent at holding your liquor? Like, I mean, like, you know what I mean? Honestly, like, can you have a couple of glass of wine and get by fairly undetected? Yes, I can. Because Steve can.

I mean, I can. I'm a professional. Oh. I think you should get your, get your buzz on and go get this done. I love, I think if you can have a buddy drive you, that's the best case scenario. As long as your buddy agrees not to drink and then afterwards, you all can go get messed up and have some fun. But like, I think you get your home girl, your homeboy to come over to your house. This is such a fun.

You can take video of the whole event because it's so fun. And we would love to see the video of you having a glass of wine prepared to go get your photographs. Oh, please. And understand, we already know. It's already been proven. They love your drunk self. Yeah, that's how you got in the door. I'm always going to have to get Xana for my cat.

So, I mean, like, we could both be, like, out of our minds. That's the way to do it. And I think that that is a way to do it, but I also want to be able to navigate the shoot without letting them realize that I may not even be the same person that sent in the application. Because if they start asking specific questions and it gets to, like, oh, holy crap, I don't remember putting that in there. So also part of this, and I don't know, I'm not really in the portrait world, so I don't know how things are priced.

Oh, you're not. Well, I'm deep in the portrait world. Just kidding. I'm sorry, good. Oh, great. They told me it is, you know, you do you. But they told me that it is worth $1,500. It's museum quality and lasts for like 200 years.

So I also don't want to go in and be making fun of the process. but I also want to be fun in it and also have a picture that still shows personally. So, yeah. Here's what I was to. Eric, and Eric, let me know what you think about this. If I'm Holly,

I approach this like the acting role of my life. Okay. Oh, yes. Because one, she said some things that we just can't get the information of, like you can't get the application back and find out what you said. You don't remember. I mean, I think maybe you could do hypnotic regression and pull some of those memories out.

I don't think it's worth it. I think you approach this as you are going in to play the role of your life. You choose a slight veil of a character that's not too dissimilar from you. And you go in there and you just make some, you pre-make some choices. Like, I'm going to stick to this vibe. And it's not going to be disrespectful to the portrait of people. However, I wouldn't telltow to them, you know, because if they're like, well, it's worth, $1,500.

They're a last 200 years. They're already trying to intimidate anyone coming in there, like making it seem like we're doing you such a big favor. You're doing them a favor because they're trying to start your business and you're helping them start their business. And doing three effort times.

And you know it doesn't last 200 years? People. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. So I would, first off, don't go in there being intimidated by these people whatsoever. You have the upper hand here.

And I think you go in there. you look how you want to look. Like whatever, like, you feel comfortable in, I like the way I look at it. Even if it's not formal, you wear that. You wear what you want to wear. Like I like to wear denim shirts because I feel good in it and I just like the way I feel in it.

So I would wear denim. Even if they're like, well, it's a suit and tie affair. I'm like, well, guess what, Jack? This boy wants to wear some denim. He's a psych rocker. Yeah. And it's called a Canadian tuxedo for a re-you. And who are your style?

Who do you look for? So, like, Steve styling, Anton Newcomb, Brian Dennyhy, Roy Clark from He-Haugh. That's where Steve vibrates. When you look at people of, like, this is whose style I like to kind of crib, who jumps to mind? I think maybe less people-wise, but just any sort of, like, I feel like, clean lines. In some time that I think of, like, style icon, I just think of sort of Ralph Lauren, like, just sort of their brand and that vibe. Like, like, a Reather's spoon. I'm, like, kind of simple, like, yeah, sort of Reeswetherspam,

but I can also get kind of Texas with it, and I do love a pair of boots. And I, yeah, I do love, like, oh, yeah, all that. And don't you dare run from a bolotie now? You, God. I've never been one to run from a bollasette. Oh, I'm already, cowboy boots, some clean Ralfler in lines, and I will say, Steve, for the large man, there's incredible deals on eBay for Ralph Lauren. But that's neither here or there.

Is that true. But I'm already kind of seeing you and Rory. of you in those classy, clean lines, but with a good old pair of cowboy boots, a bowelot tie, and then it could be a daytime on the day decision of a cowboy hat. Yeah, yeah. Because that's also very, very formal. I get to take multiple options with me just in case. And then there's like a whole, there's a whole, the artistic director, direct quote from the lady I spoke to at the studio.

They have an artistic director with me on our best look. Okay, that's great. Boyle money, Steve. there's a lot of oil money, fossil fuels. You're right about that. You're right. Old dinosaurs. Yeah. Old dinosaur juice.

How are we dressing the cat, Steve? Is the cat on natural or formal wear? What are we thinking here, friends? I mean. Okay. Let me jump in and hit pause on that one because to get this cat into the sputter sheet, I'm already going to have to, like, Xanax her off her ass. So I don't know if I can push it that far as to you put an,

outfit. Let me recommend. I've had to take cats across the country. There is a pharmaceutical drug that you can get from your vet called Gavapentin, and you do not have to, and talk to your vet about a dosage. Tell them exactly what you're doing. Gavapent is, I think, good because the cat will be like, cogent and not knocked out. You don't want the cat to be glazed over eyes and drooling. I worry that's what X will do. So talk to, I actually do go to your vet. Do it the right way, Because obviously, like, this isn't for your cat. Your cat's going to hate this day. Cats hate getting in carriers.

They hate leaving the house. It's traumatizing for them. So make sure whatever you do. Like, you're taking the cat's feelings in consideration. So do talk to a bet. I think Gavin is going to be the move. But also, you don't want to get too big of a dose that the cat is. No, man, you give a gab of pen.

You throw a big old beta blocker down its throat, man. That cat's going to have a good old Friday, man. I mean, that's what I'm too. Don't look back, huh? Let that cat go, man. It's going to have a trip and she got. And then when you get home, it is treat central for Rory. Rory's going to get sardines, like raw sardines, not just the dried ones.

The next few days, few weeks are just going to revolve around Rory. We know that. We know this. And I think you should get rip Roran drunk afterwards and make some other mistakes online. And then you can call back and we'll have somebody else to talk about. Your track record's too good, friend. And we don't give this advice to most. Most, like, steer clear the booze.

You? No. Keep doing what you're doing and keep keeping on. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Keep trucking, sister. We love it. Holly, I love this.

Would you do us a favor? And please keep us updated with how it's going. And if you wouldn't mind, we would love to see the pictures. Okay. Oh, yeah. Oh, absolutely. Like, you can't tease us like this and not give us the pictures. You know what I'm saying?

Absolutely. So once the, once the, so the photo sheet, or set or shoot, whatever, the portrait session is in two and a half weeks, I think. And then if I'm able to get digital copy soon after that, that's what's going out for Christmas cards. So I'll get whatever the pod's mailing address is, and that'll get sent to y'all. This is very exciting. Oh, I love this play. And just remember, this is a character you're playing.

And so I would say when you hang up with this call, start thinking now. Start thinking now. And it doesn't have to be a big character. just a thin veil of a character. Yes, I'll start drinking and start thinking now. There you go. That's it. That's poetry.

Yeah. Yeah. As long as I get out of this without anybody like looking at me going, well, with some dumb drunk Muppet we let in here, I think we'll be good. Don't you say that about our friend? Yeah.

No. Also, like I've been called a drunk Muppet plenty of times. It's not the worst thing in the world. I've been called a lot worse. Well, Steve kind of is a drunk Muppet. Are you kidding? That's true. I mean, like,

We're those two Muppets up with Staller and Waldorf just yelling down, and somehow we've been rewarded with the podcast. So thank you for coming in, friend. Yeah, thanks a lot, Holly. We can't wait to hear about it. All right. Go knock them down, kid. Break a leg.

Yay. Yes, sir. Drunk puppets of the world unite. We have nothing to lose but our bar privileges. We're here to help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question at helpful pod at gmail.com

and if you want to watch video episodes of we're here to help you can go to our Patreon at patreon.com slash here to help pod to see our entire catalog we're here to help

is produced by Rabbit Grimm Productions executive producers Rob Hollis Jeff Porter and Natalie Hollis Associate producer Jesse Thurston editing mix and master by Chris Foller

theme song by Oliver Raleigh the cover artwork is by James Fostike animations by Andrew Strelecky and if you'd like to see Garrett, do stand up on the road, go to garethrenolds.com. Remember all of the advice given on we're here to help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make

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