We're Here to Help - 224: Once You Pop & Trackin' Turkeys (with Elyse Myers)

Episode Date: October 29, 2025

Jake, Gareth and guest helper Elyse Myers help a caller break her husband's popcorn habit. Then, they hatch a plan to fight city hall.See images from the episode here: http://www.heretohelppod.com/post/episode-224Want to call in? Email your question to [e-mail]: https://patreon.com/heretohelppodMERCH: heretohelppod.comINSTAGRAM: @HereToHelpPodIf you’re enjoying the show, make sure to rate We’re Here to Help 5-Stars on Apple Podcasts.Visit gemini.google/students to learn more and sign up. Terms apply.Advertise on We’re Here to Help via Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a Headgum podcast. And it's like short stories and poems and cool illustrations and just fun little things about my life that are fun to read. What sparked the desire to write a book? I've been writing since I was like 11. And so I wrote a lot of music as a kid and wrote books like in my just journals and notebooks and things like that. And then when I got older, I think because it's something I've done my whole life, I didn't realize it was like a gift. or that people would want to read it because you're just so used to doing it. And then I started sharing stuff online because usually a lot of my stuff was a lot funnier.

And then I started sharing more, not like sad, like more serious tonally stuff. And people are like, oh, wow, that's actually really good. You know what someone's like, that's actually really good. Like, oh, thank you. And you go like, how was this stuff before? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So have you hated everything up until now or just. Dude, that was actually good what you did.

I've been doing this for 12 years. Yeah, yeah. You don't actually suck that bad. I thought I hated yourself, but you're definitely middle. That's like you're not, you're actually pretty. Like, if people do that, I don't look like I just woke up at a bed. They're like, wow. You don't look terrible.

I'm like, thank you. The worst is when you shower and they go, what's different? Yeah. Or he slept. Yeah, you slept a little bit. Yeah. And you're like, well, thank you. I took care of myself, the bare minimum.

I did the bare minimum. I literally combed some of my hairs. Just some of them. The showering admission is a big one, Jake, because that feels very specific to you. No, I mean, that's me too. All of things I showered. And your thing is, so you started up,

where'd you come out of? What was your journey? I started making, like, content on the internet. I was a storyteller, and I would write and perform these stories, but I would also animate them because I'm an animator and an editor. And so, like, the perfect combo of, like,

telling a story but then being engaging while you're doing it and then having like on-screen visuals like um playing around with my face and the text and stuff was cool it people just enjoyed that and so uh i was doing it right after i had my son and i was like postpartum and i was like who am i you know like what what do i like anymore and so i started telling stories about my life and people just really loved it and then i posted a video of a really bad date um and people really loved that and then from there it kind of just snowballed into making content and doing more like skit stuff. And actually, Jake, I get constantly, I don't know if anyone's told you this, I get constantly compared to you.

People are like, you're like the female like Jake Johnson. No way. Yeah, I made a video. I wrote a parody song, Nick Miller, Nick Miller from the streets of Chicago. And I like did like a whole a cappella song of it. And everyone was like, this is the past. I actually think I have seen this. That thing went very viral.

Yeah. So now everyone's like, you are the female of Jake Johnson. And I'm like, thank you. The big difference is you were pretty good at your IT. Well, you know. When you started, yeah, but when you started with the, your mic wasn't working, I've had that. Well, hold on, though. I'll jump in quickly.

Jake, what was the day that your mic wasn't working? What was the problem? I had accidentally muted it. And it took a half hour for Jake to finally. hit the unmute button. And then I did, Gareth is a man who's created a lot of podcasts

and I've been on most of them but I remember one of them we did during the pandemic he was really mad at me because I wasn't recording properly and then I didn't have had phones and I was like, go man, let's just chat.

There's a learning curve with podcasts though. It's like there's so much you don't know until you don't know and there's so many rules and if you don't do I didn't do podcasts at all until Gareth I wasn't interested

until he'd be like just come on do this one I'm like what is this he's like it's me and my mom in a closet and I do stand-up, and I was like, just fine, what would you like me to do on it? And then I get out, and I'm like, all right, buddy, I'm here, and he's like, this audio's terrible. I'm like, I'm not an engineer.

Yeah, well, Jake would never be like, let's figure this out. He'd be like, yeah, it's kind of all or nothing right now. So how do you want to hand? You'd be like, all right, let's go. Then let's not do it. I'll call you, let's text later. Can I play the shirt in the closet? Can I be silent and just do the shirt?

Because I'm really good at that. I can do that really well. Yeah. But so you kind of hit the perfect storm because you were writing stuff. you were editing you were doing everything so when the you know this social media explosion happened you were like oh this is right in my wheelhouse it hit everything for you well it didn't mean for it too i was a web developer so i was like writing code and building websites at the time and this happened and so i switched over and it was like it just yeah it's it's something that kind of hits

every single box and no one has to tell me what to do i get to like create whatever i want everyone usually niches down and i'm like why the fuck would you do that Like, just make whatever, you know. I agree with that 100%. And so it's really fun because no one ever knows what they're going to get. Like, I'm going to write and read like a serious poem. And the next day I'm making a video on like if punctuation had personality, like what each of them would say to each other. So, it's fun.

Well, I think that the nice thing about this year in this format as opposed to TV and movies is there's no bosses. No. So what I like anyone's permission. And it also, it matters, but it doesn't matter. It's what I like about this. We're able to change format, do we want. We're able to get emails from the audience where they're mad at us. And then if we want, we can just change the show.

Yeah. And then we got an email today, yeah, and half. We got an email today, Garrett, from a woman who was mad at us for taking people's advice. She was like, you guys, we're fans. Just do your show. And then midway through, she goes, but what I will say, and then she gave advice. Yeah. Yeah.

Thank you so much sharing for your feedback. I will be implementing this in the next show. I'm like, I really appreciate it. It's like I had another guy who wrote in yesterday and he wrote, or two days ago, he wrote, hey, just listen to episode 11 and you got, you were so judgmental of the caller. You have lost a listener. So I wrote back and I went like, that's okay, man. What inspired you to write this email?

Yeah. I didn't expect me hearing from your eye and I'll keep listening. And I was like, you know the thought you're listening to a podcast and you got mad and you go like, hold on. helpful pot of Gmail. I'm like, what is that instinct? What about me gives the impression that this is a helpful email for me? I want to know what you're hearing and I need to fix that because I don't want to be giving that impression on the internet.

Yeah, agreed. So you're writing a book, you're doing stand-up too? No, I- And everything is just, yeah. So everything is at all yours is just comedy that you're creating and putting out. Yeah, not a dream. At home alone. I have a good, so this is my studio.

So we have a house that I use as like a studio. So each room is for different things. You're kidding. You have a, you have a Burt Kreischer. The Chrysher house. What is that? Bert Gareth, what's the Chrysher house? We went and did a Bert Kreischer comedian.

We went and did his cooking show together when we first launched this show. And the house is pure, a beautiful house, purely for production, sort of to what you're saying. There's a team of people there editing. There's rooms for different things. And we just couldn't get over the fact that it was at home. entirely devoted to content. I didn't want to knock on the door because I knew he had kids

and I didn't want to interrupt his family. Then I just went in and they were like... No, we were like two hayseeds, like, sorry, are we bothering. Yeah, so should we go in the kitchen? They're like, this is the second kitchen. We built this kitchen for a production. I'm like, yeah, yeah. It's a multi-million dollar home in the valley.

It looked like there was like a room of storm chasers, like everyone at computers and we were just like... Oh my God. No, I mean, there's nothing like that here. This is like actually just me, but it's, yeah, Every room. This was our house that we lived in with my family. And then I got stocked on the internet.

People found the address. I had to move. Dude, I had to get a new car. Someone ran me off the road. Wait, what? Yeah, it got really wild there for a bit. It's, it's, I think there's no, it's very interesting the way that people relate to me versus, like, to say a celebrity, sounds like I'm calling myself a celebrity.

But I mean, people that are like known by people on the internet are in, movies whatever is like i record in at home with normal think like yeah yeah so they feel i'm on you yeah like a parasocial yeah very parasycial and so it's not like a i totally hear you an actor that's like it's totally different yeah and so people just forget like i my number one line when people are coming up to me and i people are so kind but sometimes they'll just assume too much i'll like step back and put my hand out and go i'm a lease and like they realize like we're oh like i've never met this person. And I, and they know everything about me, but I don't know them. Some of the stories in the book, they're like literal entries from my diary at like 10 years ago. See, this is what

it is. This is interesting. Yeah. Yeah. And so people, I mean, I, I've created that level of intimacy because that is how I am with everyone in my personal life. Like, I have no, I mean, if I think something, you're not a boundaries lady. No, and I wish I was, but like, I just have no filter. And so if I feel something, I'm going to say it, and it can be highly offensive to people, but I'm like, that's okay. Like, you'll get, you'll be okay. But in the flip side of that, it's also, it creates this intense, immediate connection with people

where you're like, I think this is my best friend forever. So when I don't break that down and I don't get rid of that and I share that on the internet, that then is, I'm like bonded to people in that way. And so then when they come up and they find my address, they are like not, they're just putting stuff in my mailbox without sending it or like leaving it on my doorstep or waiting for me in the driveway.

Yeah, very good. difference. So I think the thing that's so different, and this is also an age and a generation thing coming up, is because people will relate to a character of mine and think it's real. And then on something even like this on the podcast, you're just playing a heightened version. Yeah. So like, if my kids are a wife listening to this podcast, they would be like, what are you doing? Why are you talking about gorillas that much? And I'm like, well, it works for this. We're having fun. Because they're, it's like, why do you care about Garrett's hair so much? And I'm like, It's just fodder.

It's just a bit. It's just the fun. We're doing this. But we came up from a generation that it was always project-based. And who you really were didn't matter. There was a huge shift. Like, I don't care about who musicians are in real life. And then around 2020, they would be like, well, they're a bad person.

And I'd be like, I mean, I hear it. I hear what you're saying. But I don't really care. And then the world changed that it was about, like, who the person is. And I think it's part of what you're going through where you're like, because people are like, this is my stuff and this is me. Yes.

And my generation is so, it's so different. But, Gareth, you're in between now. Because stand up is in between. Yeah, but it's still very clearly performative. It is personal, but it's also very performative. I think there's something just more vulnerable about the level of content, engagement, and vulnerability in doing something like what you're doing,

which is even, And even in podcast, like, I don't really put out a lot of personal stuff. Sometimes you are talking. I mean, like this show, like people know us, but we're taking calls. But there is something different. It's different. When people genuinely are like, you are this person. Yeah, but also your guys, the same thing about it is there are also so much people are

live streaming stuff in their, they're allowing so much access. It's a lot of pressure. That is insane. Well, that's why having this house is so amazing. important for me and my family because I don't I don't share my kids on the internet like I keep like my family life very so different and it has nothing to do with this stuff and so like I have a totally separate place I don't want anyone to see anything of my home life because like I share everything of myself on the internet that's mine to share but when it comes to my favorite people it's

like so sacred to me it's like a holy like I just want this to myself so that's why it's so important for me to have this extra space because you can get anything of me here, any, any, any, any like, this is the game. This is, yeah, this is the job. This is what the thing is. Like, I couldn't agree more. When we're doing this show, there is an hour of recording. Yeah.

So you're willing to share blank. It's not the whole thing. It can't be. It's a different thing. Well, the book is called, that's a great question. I'd love to tell you. And yes. Everybody checking out.

Yes. Do you want to do what without further ado, Gareth? Oh, yes. Thank you, Natalie. I think that was it. Let's just use hers. My line. My line.

My line. And we were brought to you by Kachava. Oh, my lord. I have told you over and over again, people, how much I love Kachava. This is the greatest protein powder I've ever come into contact with, nutrition off the charts it's delicious i have it in my hotel room right now while i'm on the road really is just for your whole body great nutrition i i mix it sometimes in with my smoothies sometimes i just do it uh with some water with some oat milk whatever it is but it's all day energy

because it's got five key vitamins and minerals keeps things regular with the fiber the probiotics and the enzymes replenishes your muscles your protein you need the electrical lights, B vitamins. I cannot say enough good about Kachava. Right now, I'm rocking the chocolate, the rocklet, but I love their chai. I drink it every day. I have Kachava every single day. But their flavors are chocolate, vanilla, chai, macha, coconut, asahi, and strawberry, which is their latest one. And I, I'm not going to lie. I'm maybe a little partial to that one. Your future self will thank you. Go to kachava.com and use code here to help for 15% off your next order. That's K-A-C-H-A-V-A-com. Cachava.com code here to help for 15% off.

All right. Hello. Hi. Hi. How are you? I'm doing great. How are you? Great. Thank you. Well, welcome to the show. We have a great guest joining us today. You have Jake, you have myself. And we also have Elise Myers, the author of That's a great question. I'd love to tell. you, and many other projects joining us. So can we get your name, age, where you're calling from, please? Yes, I am Whitney, and I am 35 from Gulf Coast, Florida. Okay, Whitney, 35 from the Gulf Coast. Is it swampy there right now?

It has to be. Pretty hot. Yogurt. Human yogurt. The Air is yogurt. The Air is yogurt is the new book I'm writing. Whitney, what's going on? What can we help you with?

Okay, so I didn't know who else to call. You guys were the best ones. My husband for the last year and a half, pretty much, year and a half has been having every single night, multiple times a night, popcorn. Not microwave popcorn, like just basic, happy snack.

I'm talking kernels, make it yourself. Butter, fall. Three to four times a night. No, this is weird. In bed, in bed. Oh, it's the best. I agree. This is the dream.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, in bed? Yeah, it gets worse. He's making it in bed or eating it in bed? No, he doesn't have that skill. He's probably coming, but not yet. Yeah. So it's not just like at our house, too. If we go on vacation, he'll bring the equipment with him.

Yes, he will. And it's like, now it's also progressed to like during working hours when he's working from home. And we have like a toddler and I don't want him having popcorn. And it's like on the floor. Like he leaves a trail.

Like you know where he's been. And we just moved into a new house. I don't want it smelling like the damn AMC movie theater in here. And I don't want my sheet stained. I wake up to salt in the bed. I wake up to it everywhere. He also has popcorn related injuries

on his hands. from doing it so much it's expensive and it's just obsessive so my question is like how can we get out of this and I'm even willing to compromise because I'm a great

wife one day a week but just just on the weekend I mean you know you are this man's addicted and you're like he can have it once a week well hold on can I ask a question? Yes

is the issue that he likes popcorn or that it's making a mess. It's the middle of the night, too, right? The bed eating is wrong. Yeah, so, like, I'll be wanting to go to sleep, and I'm like, it's right beside me. Chomp, chomp, and then he leaves the bowl by the bed. Eating in bed in general is, no.

Hold on, guys, let's not, there's too many things. So I'll tell you what this call is not about. Eating near a bed, a like of popcorn, a mess. What are you saying? There's subtext? No, this. call is about a man who fucking makes popcorn every single night in the middle of the night, like a fucking drug at it.

Look, if he's eating popcorn at 5 p.m. in the living room, this isn't a call. Yeah, I do imagine your partner at 2 a.m. being like, and you being like, hey, the fuck is going on with you. Is it really the middle of the night? So it'll start when our kids go to bed. Like, as soon as the kids go down, he's, I'm talking instant. Like, let's go. And then after my shower, I come out, I'm all clean.

The air smells like popcorn. I could smell it in a shower. And then it will continue until about, I'd say from like nine to midnight. Jesus Christ. Sometimes 1 a.m. It just depends on the day. Whitney, does the popcorn make and ever wake you up? There's been times where I'm exhausted and I had like a colonoscopy the next day.

And I was starving. I would like, did you please not? Whitney, make that sink. I don't think you've got Once a week You said there have been times I've had a colonoscopy There's been a time

True true true true When I've had one time So frequent Once a week I'm going to get one It's like that's on you dear It's her popcorn Is this because you had a colonoscopy And you really wanted some popcorn

Is that what this is all about? Because I get hungry too Dude I feel forced to eat it I feel forced to eat it Because it's right beside me And I'm just like This is my life

and it used to be popcorn and peaches, but he's omitted the peaches, and the peaches smelled like B-O, and I was like, I just stopped buying it, and I stopped buying the popcorn, too, but he will go out in the middle of the night if we have none. Like, the kids will go to bed, and he'll be like, hey, I'm out of popcorn, I gotta go up to the store real quick, I'll be back. I'm like, it's 9. I'm like, it's like, no. Okay. Yeah, go ahead.

Go ahead. No, go ahead, Elise. Okay, this is going to be a question that is not meant to be offensive. It's like, I'm asking it from somebody, I'm autistic and I have special interest in things and I cannot let go of them and I'm hyper obsessive. Is there anything like that happening here? And is there a way that you can look in the middle? That's interesting. That's a very good question.

So I was going to get a little dark, but it's important information, I think, for the story. Great. This started after his recovery from brain cancer. Oh. So he had no appetite. He's also on dialysis right now for kidney failure. But guys, don't have pity. You're having pity.

Whitney, we're having pity. I have a little pity. I have a lot of pity. I mean, me a lot of pity. He's on dialysis. No wonder he's eating popcorn laying down. Whitney, what are we talking about here, pal? I feel like we need to find a way to like take the stress off of you,

but still let him have his popcorn. It was just a habit. Whitney, this is going sideways on you. I feel like he should be on my side. You have to be on my side. That's the rules. By the way, she is right.

The premise of this show is we are always on the side of the caller. I do sometimes flip, but as of right now, we have not been given enough information in my opinion to flip. I mean, there's a lot going on the husband's I know, but what I really like that she said, cancer, dialysis. You're not wrong, Gareth, but I really like what Whitney said is you're not allowed to flip.

No, she knows. You can. And so Whitney, I know the rules. Yeah, you're right. And okay, you're tough, Whitney, and I respect the hell out of it. What is it that we could specifically help you with? I just want it to cut down some. So it's not as much or move it out of the bedroom.

Like either one of those things would be a, victory and an air purifier you should get an air purifier I have five I have five okay so it's not a kidding so he you're looking for no popcorn in the bedroom non what if I got a question for you what if it was he didn't make it himself what if we figured out a way to get you like a 10 you know those like boxes a those like a huge thing where it's right next to the living right next to the couch in the living room. Remember, they used to have this when I was a kid, but on like holidays. Yeah, the uncle who didn't know what to get in or just got people like cheddar, caramel and regular popcorn. They can't. That's not healthy. This is, this is, this was, and this is

going to sound all so bad. This is my fault, guys. This is the truth. When he was out of recovery, he didn't have an appetite. So I thought, what's a healthy snack? And I'm not going to give him microwave popcorn that's carcinogens and bad for people with cancer. So I was like, let's do it the right way. And I introduced him to the pop. So I don't want him to do unhealthy snacks alternatives. I just want it to just be left because it's, it is a good snack, I guess. I mean, you know, it's locality.

There's like really good back to popcorn that are like healthy as well. Like literally the Jonas brothers have popcorn that's very good, very healthy. We could grow them up. Gross. Gross. Gross. Oh, that's very good. It's very good.

It's very good. The Jonas brothers. Yeah, but, but gross. Oh. And I'll tell you why I think gross. Oh. I'll tell you why I think gross. Why?

Wonderful musicians, great dancers, into fashion. Sure. What's their expertise on popcorn? Well, they say, that's the whole story. It's a very cool story. What's the story? I'm curious. He is a connoisseur, though.

He will judge it. What did you say? He'll judge. Your husband will judge the popcorn. He is a connoisseur. He is very picky with his popcorn. He has to have a specific salt, a specific butter. Well, there you go.

And this is an art. Yeah. And he sounds very good at it. He doesn't want Nick Jonas' his popcorn? Probably not. I'm sorry, Jonah. I'm sorry, Jonas brothers. I was joking.

That never happened. And so you're a no on the AD of finding. So is it the sounds of making the popcorn? Is it the amount of popcorn? She's, I mean, this, she's just, it's just, it's just, at this point, she hates popcorn. She hates popcorn. She hates popcorn.

He loves popcorn. He's ruined it for me. Well, it's beyond that. He's going to be cremated one day and he's going to pop in the machine because it's just, it's so much consumed in his body. Whitney, I think first of all, we should compliment you for your full candor and honesty because it would be very easy to hide some of these facts that make your husband the super sympathetic character in this story. I mean, there's a lot he's got going for him as far as, He's fine.

I dokey. But it sounds like a lot. To me, it sounds like if we could get it out of the bedroom and we can maybe tone down the volume a little bit. Yeah, volume. What about, okay, let's start pitching on this one because this is a hard one, Whitney.

This feels like a very clear let the man eat popcorn, but you are right. That's not the premise of our show and we're not going down that road. So what about a popcorn schedule? Okay, okay. That can work. What about he's allowed, in your opinion,

certain amount of popcorns a day or a week? A week. He can use them any way he wants. I feel like it has to be daily. I don't think that we can take away. I think this is like a daily ritual for him. What if we gave him like... It's like a glass of wine.

Yeah, yeah. It really actually... Kids go to bed, you need your thing. It does sound a lot like an alcoholic. Like, it really does. Like, he is out of control with popcorn. Yeah. But he, but it's like his ritual.

The kids go to bed and once he has that pop, now he can relax. Yeah. But, but... He can't stop. But like, like, cutting it off, like having a time, like having a place he can make it. It's separate from you. It's not in the room. It's not going to run.

What if we get a... audio of a popper, and he just hears it. You know, I'll tell you what, here's what I'm saying. Sound therapy? I'll tell you, I'll tell you what I'm thinking is when I have in my younger years, when I used to be a way bigger pot smoker, when I needed to stop for memorization, I would be home and I would look at all these lines and I'd be like, all I want to do is have like one beautiful hit of this weed.

But then I'm kind of fucked. So I would just smell it. Yeah. And just the smoke. Damon Wayne's Jr. did a thing when I first got on New Girl. They told me I was too fat for television. I had to lose weight. And they said I was one of the best notes possible, obviously.

Too fat for Fox. I had to lose 15 pounds. Yeah, I remember that. And so I was like, I don't even know how to do this. I'm not a diet machine. I'm an animal. And Damon Wayne's Jr. told me something that he does. does where smells the food, smells the food and takes one bite.

I've heard of people doing this, then spitting it out. No, he eats the bite. Different. Different. Different problem. But he'll go like, we were at craft service, and it'd be like a hot dog. And he'd be like, that looks good, right? And I'd be like, yeah, but I can't eat it.

I'm too fat for fox. And he would take one bite and throw the rest out. By the way, Jake, I think we have your book title whenever you're ready. Too fat for fox. Pretty solid. Too fat for foxes. Too fat for foxes. But Whitney, what about something like that where we're creating the sounds and the smells?

Well, we're weaning them off. I also do like the idea. She hates it. She hates it. I think if I, like, it's for me, it's like a bath. It's a glass of wine, and it's like a little bowl of chocolate chips and cocoa almonds. You almost said cocaine. Yeah.

Oh, almost, but that's not it. Unfortunately, that's not it. And if someone tried to take that for me, I think I would, I would cry. I'd be really deeply unhappy. A bath, chocolate almonds. What if you were drinking that and eating that in bed? No, that's what I'm saying. I'm saying, find a way to not make it so intrusive in your life and in your

space and in like oh popcorn throne popcorn throne the way you said that like we all know the term yes popcorn throne one single place you need it yes you create this on Amazon you make it well you got to

make it he decides it it's his place he has control over it but he decides it but there's like a certain seat it's right in front of the TV you put like everything he likes near corn you create a perfect popcorn table it's like a breastfeeding chair

but instead it's a breastfeeding chair and I also think we hook cups up to his chest I think it all work oh yeah we create a popcorn throne and if he's not in it you go hey king getting your throne yeah you're throne I was gonna go I was gonna say a little room like if there's a closet or something where we can make it as little shame popcorn zone but popcorn throne almost is this might work rewarding because we we just moved into a new house and our office we're converting it to like an this media room. Nice. This is a perfect place

for the throne. Well, yeah. What if it's like a movie theater room? Yes. And what if it's a movie theater type seat? Yes.

Because if you're not if you take a popcorn maker in there. Yes. The whole thing. Yes. Lean it. It's like pleather or something

you can like this butter gets on it but he can't eat it anywhere. And then you put a like leather. You put a playful sign up there that says

popcorn's not allowed to leave the theater. Right. Popcorn and candy. Above the door. Above the door. And then like a circle, like a slash right through the door. Popcorn and soda can't leave the theater.

And then when he leaves, it goes, did you see the sign? Yeah. And then it'll take them a couple of days, but then that'll be part of the ritual. What's the punishment? Yeah. You lose popcorn for three days. By the way, I like you get punishments. Three days.

Yeah, you can't. You can't learn. You're a woman of rules. I agree. Agreed. Yeah. Okay. I think.

It's going to take me a little bit to do it, but I think it's worth it. He is lazy, you know, I don't want to say lazy. I don't want to be me. He wants to relax in bed with me. My fear of this, the only caveat that I could think of being a problem is, that's our only time together. So do I hang out with him in the popcorn room? Yeah.

Whitney, come on. A little bit. A little. Whitney, come on. Come up. It's just about him. It's just about him, I guess. We're not making him quit eating popcorn.

It's not a bad habit. No, it's not a bad habit. That's why this problem is confusing. Agreed, but what we can do. I like that she just became a guest on the show. I mean, you just were talking about yourself like you weren't the person calling in. Yeah, you were like Oz. That's what's so vexing about this issue that Whitney called in with.

It's not an issue. So I think it's this. If you want to break from popcorn that night, you stay in the bedroom. And then he's got a choice to make. Yes. You want to eat your popcorn in the throne or you want to be with your lovely wife because the popcorn does not leave the theater. We all know that.

You don't walk out of a movie theater with a big box of popcorn. It's insane. He does. But we're saying we don't anymore. Normal people. I think you'll find. Go ahead. Also, you can, I'm raising my hand as if she can see me.

So me and my husband have nights where we have a guest room and he's like take tonight and it's like a we act like it's like a hotel. spa kind of thing. So I have two nights a week where I go and I know like I'm sleeping alone I have galaxy light, I can get high, I can watch a movie, it's amazing. So he knows like Wednesday night and Saturday night, Elise is in the guest room, but

every other night we have like date nights at, just in the bedroom like watching TV and stuff together. But he knows that no matter what, Wednesday and Saturday, even if I'm not feeling it, he's like take it because that's a schedule and like I want your brain to know that schedule. So maybe he has like popcorn nights where you know he's not, even if you get tired

the popcorn you're going to leave and he's going to stay and chill and they're eating popcorn watching whatever he wants but then there's like other nights where you're like maybe you can plan even if you miss every night but one night a week he's going to when you're over the popcorn leave that room and be with you in the bedroom and like all the things yeah is incorporating jake's idea of the schedule plus the throne yes Whitney i think there's a win here but you're going to have to page it a little bit yeah and what i mean by page it a little bit is we'd a caller who evolved the pitch. So we've kind of given you a lot, but you're

going to have to create the throne. You're going to have to create a little theater convince him to stay in it. And then you know, there's a lot. Like a dog. I mean, I don't think he's much. His popcorn's in there. Yeah, his potter's in there.

Put my shirt in there so he could get familiar with my sense. Just make it comforting. Yeah, I get it. Just wear your bras over the chair. He's like, you have to Convince them to go in there and stay in there. I love it. But what do you think, Whitney? What are you going to do here?

Yeah. I think I'm going to do that. We haven't, this is the only room we have not remodeled yet. So it's available. The timing's perfect. So I think I will update you guys if he'll go for it. I'm going to just pitch it like, you know, I don't want to take away what you love. Let's make it into a room that you can enjoy.

And that way, my best. bed sheet, stay clean, and we could separate the fun from the sanctuary of sleeping. And you know what else you could do, Whitney, while you said you're still building out that room? You can soundproof it, and it's not even that expensive. You could do it like... Yeah, we're planning on it. Yes, those panels. Yeah.

And also, I'm going to say hang. There's air purifiers that are specifically meant for, like, cigar rooms. We have one of our origin, and we hang it because I'm really sensitive to smell. So my husband hung it in our kitchen. and it will get rid of any smells. Like, we bought it because someone said online, they smoke a cigar, and within 10 minutes, it's like he never smoked a cigar. So look at things like that, you can hang on the wall in there.

And that's for the theater. He doesn't even know it. Yeah. Right, right. And then he's upgrading him from the microwave one that's like the glass dome because he's getting a lot of injuries with it too because he's like, it's so much use. It's breaking and cracking.

So now I can maybe invest in a machine. that's for the room that he can make a big serving and then just serve himself and then he has some responsibilities he has to clean it he has to clean it I'm not going to be stuck cleaning the damn popcorn machine

Whitney he's not on the phone right now so you don't need to yell at us yeah true but but I'm also Whitney I'm having really mixed feelings because one second I'll be getting mad of you and two I feel like I'm married to you and I like it

and I'll be a little bit how my husband feels I bet. I'll be like this. God, there's so many goddamn rules. You're so mad at me. And then I'll go, I deserve it all. I deserve it all. I deserve it. The thing that's... I'm a sloppy human. I've got nothing figured out. Please give me rules or I will turn into mush. What's great about a popcorn room and potentially a throne is it almost feels like an upgrade. Totally. It really is your way of... It's a gift to him. You're just giving him Vegas. And he just goes to Vegas when he wants to gamble. That's exactly right.

That is. I like that term. Give him Vegas. I think that... You know, another way of saying it is what Yoko did for John Lennon. She gave him a year. A year to kind of like... Do whatever he wanted to do. Yeah. So you're that, he's doing that with popcorn.

Get it out of your system, pal. Just do it in Vegas. And you know what? He might actually see this as such an act of love because I think this sounds like it's probably a really big source of tension in your guys' marriage. He's from Whitney's point of view. I don't think he was any idea. Yeah.

He literally has no clue. He's just, in his point of it. you he's literally eating popcorn he's eating popcorn yeah blistered hands his wife's furious at him but it might feel i don't know it might make him feel like you're honoring this like thing that he loves and and it might create this response you can't expect it but it might create this response of like also now i want to be with you too because i'm seeing the separation and you and popcorn and he's like well i want to yeah hey whitney will you follow up with us i think this is a nice way i need to know I also want to talk to him at some point.

I mean, I would love to... Well, let's have him on the follow-up to see how it all goes. Yeah, this is important. All right. Let's see if he's happy and satisfied. Yeah, let's keep this man happy, wouldn't it? Yeah, remember. Try my best.

Thank you. You're doing great. You're doing great, winning. Yeah, even though, I appreciate it. Thank you so much. Bye. Have a good one. Bye-bye.

Bye-bye. Hi. Hi. Question mark? Mm-hmm. I believe it was. Unsure. Yep.

Worried, as you should be when you call this show. Well, that's the voice of Elise Myers, who's joining us. You've got Jake. Oh, Lee, Meyer, really? Yep, you've got Elise. She has a book coming out called

That's a great question. I'd love to tell you. Yes. And we just solved a real normal thing. So we're on fire. What is your name, please? Alyssa. Hi, Lisa.

Where are you calling from, Alyssa? I'm calling from Boise, Idaho. Beautiful. And a rough age you've got there, Alyssa? 34. 34. Perfect. Gareth lived in Boise for a year.

It's funny, on the last call, I almost related to, and the place I rented, I had a pot closet, a place where I only went to get high. That's amazing. What a dream. And it was the weirdest room. but it was like my little sanctuary. It was real weird. Yeah, like a sad man cave.

It was a sad cave. That's just my garage. Yeah, great spot too. Mine was tight, tighter quarters. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, Alyssa. So what is going on? What can we help you with today?

So I have been a male man, male lady, for a couple of years now. And I finally, a couple months ago, got my own route. And it's a walking route. It's a great. route. It's in a really nice neighborhood. The only problem is that I get attacked by turkeys. Okay. Well, thank you so much for the call, everybody. I remember the turkeys roaming Boise. I remember so often. This is crazy. Yeah. They were just out and about. Wow.

Out and about. And when when you were here during the pandemic, right? Yeah. Yeah. So there There weren't that many, and then they started having babies. Well, it's lockdown. They were, they were into, like everyone else, a lot of lockdown babies, even with the turkeys. Totally. Yeah, so basically, I always have to watch my back and keep my ears open and my eyes open and try not to be attacked. So my question is, do you have any suggestions on how to scare the turkeys without hurting them? Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu.

Oh, we're getting some pictures. Nobody better than Jake to handle this. Alase, that's going to hurt them, not just scum. I don't know. They're going to go tell their friends, Jake. I know, but you do jihitsu, right? It just rip those necks right off those turkeys. But if you do it like Jake, you just hurt your knee and you have to stop after you built a little shed for it.

And then I'm going to get three of those turkeys in my garage. And they'll start collecting those. You'll be ready. Wow. That's really We're seeing photo evidence of your turkeys Holy shit

Oh my god You've got a gang of turkeys over there We got 3, 6, 9, 12, 15, 18, 21, 20 I got about 27 turkeys in a photo All different sizes Jake's got that animal eye He can count animals fast as an animal Those are babies

That ain't that ain't a baby Jake's Those are full-grown turkey Jake's jujitsu David Attenborough He can tell you right there Those are groans. You got about 14. It's like Kevin on the office that can do math with pie, but nothing else.

Yeah, right. Yeah. You got 16 grown. The rest are baby turkeys. Jake's got turquite. You've got nine female turkeys. The rest are male turkeys. Jake, we don't have time.

But, um, okay, Alyssa. Two of them are pregnant. Okay, to excuse Jake, who's a veterinary in his head right now. Actually, on the far right, two are around to mate. Look at the ones on the far right. Look at the picture. They're not presenting. They're not presenting.

By the way, there's one behind the other one, and the one behind it's got his shoulders up, like, come on. And the one in front of it is going like, yeah. Look, do you see what I'm seeing? We are looking at 40 turkeys, and Jake is pointing out a specific nuance.

I think we need to look at Jake's search history right now. I think that is the next set. Turkey sex. Turkey sex. Merch. Okay, wait. Tattoo for Steve Berg. Can we do like a spread?

like a scent they don't like No one in the back hand They do The post office provides us with a dog spray And so One day I saw them They wait They know where I park my truck

Right So they were waiting by my truck They are They're like tracking turkeys And so I face-times My husband And he's like Well

Just take your air horn and take your dog spray and just go at them and yell. And I tried that and they just came at me and I tried to get in the back of my truck and then I tried to get in my truck. If I was in that turkey group

and you tried to come at us like that, I would take you over. What if she's wearing a night suit? A night suit? What does that mean? Yeah, just in the full armor. Oh, like, chaining. Yeah, that would work.

Yeah, the chain. What if she's dressed like a Thanksgiving chef? I love how you think that the turkeys are going to be like, that's a cook, stay away, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, not just a cook. That's a Thanksgiving cook. A Thanksgiving cook. Yeah. I mean, they all know.

Thanksgiving's a bad period for turkeys, man. Alyssa, what, what, just, you've kind of alluded to it, but a turkey attack looks like what, just like when geese attack people, they're just kind of coming at you, pecking at you. Turkey attack. Never thought I'd hear that term. I've been attacked by a chicken, and it's very similar. They kind of, like, you know, they run at you and want to get their talons at you. Is everything good?

Been attacked by a chicken? What other person? You've been attacked by? Well, if I'm honest with you, I've been attacked by a chicken. I've been attacked by snails. There was an alligator in there, and that one didn't you give it. I got attacked by some crows. I was picked up by a falcon and dropped off where I live now.

I was trying to rot a pig. I get random memories, though. I lived in an eagle nest for a fortnight. Oh, that was a nightmare. That was not as you'd think, though. Exactly. Well, the food was wonderful. My fault for eating worms.

Yeah. Well, but when it's presented that way, how can you say no? It goes right in your mouth. So, it was a long time ago. So this isn't very interesting question. The question is, you're a male lady, and you get attacked by wild turkeys in Boise. How do we get the wild turkeys to stop attacking you? Well, at least protect myself because I don't think they're going to stop attacking.

I love the rhythm of which you speak. It's awesome. I don't think they're going to stop attacking. These turkeys are meant to attack. You really consider these turkeys, which I really appreciate. Is there like a protective sock? I'm thinking like compression. But it's like hard.

I was thinking like a big boot. They call them wellies in England. Like a large boot that goes up to the knee, like a waiter, basically. Yeah. Something like that. I hear where this is going, Elizabeth. Let me ask you a question. What is the, you know, going back to my days of Jiu-Jitsu, there's a white belt, there's a brown belt, there's a perbo, there's a hierarchy.

What is the natural predator of the turkey? Is it a coyote? It's Jake. Coyote. Oh. Oh. But are you? got like that one question you guys had

and you're going to talk about coyote pee and the list of you have to answer the question first but it probably is urine related no it might be I was thinking about getting a fake coyote penis filling it with urine and spraying it on the turkeys but now I'm not

going to say that so can you please answer the question is it coyotes are the natural predators of these turkeys or what's I don't know you guys don't have wolves up there honestly this is a it's just a very suburban area besides the turkeys so if you were to add to your male duties a coyote penis that squirted pissed that might be frowned upon in the suburban area where you have to walk not if she adds it on her forehead i'm asking her jake honestly they've started attacking regular people too so they might need this as well

What about, like, calling the city? This feels like an issue now. I cannot believe this isn't being handled by the city. If there were wild turkeys attacking people in my neighborhood, I would never stop calling. We called Animal Control. They told us to call Wildlife and Game, and they told me to use an umbrella. Animal Control probably.

Have you ever considered calling, we're here to help? You're going to want to call, we're here to help and find out what kind of piss you need to have out of that fake talk. Yeah, what I think y'all to do is call that show and then have Pigley and Mo leave them a message. I'll just have a speaker with me so you could yell at the turkeys. How would you yell at a turkey if you had to scare it away? Gareth?

Me? Yeah. I would probably try to out turkey it. I would try to go. Yeah. I wouldn't be scared about if I was a turkey. I'm also genuinely impressed with the turkey. Thank you, sir.

Well, I love to hear in Boise. You learn the trades. I think there might be something. Mr. Winslow, can you please do a turkey in an elevator? Fingling, sir. Holy shit. Can you do a turkey and a Dodger game? What was that topic?

Chanting, like, let's go, Dodgers. Okay, so we got to. Wait. Yeah, go ahead. Okay, so I think we just, it's a crazy idea, but there might be something to, I got a combo. Okay. You could do the turkey sounds.

You could have on your phone turkey sounds. You could even get a Bluetooth speaker. You could play turkey sounds blasting out of the mailbag that just sort of are confusing them. I think maybe you wear the high knee boots, nice big, thick rubber. And then what if you carried a little bit of turkey feed with you? I would, dude, I just rode a turkey food.

you you scatter it or no but no they're going to know that then and they're going to come up to her when she's agreed yeah but she's just got to have turkey feet on her forever I've I've one so you got two things because I just wrote turkey food and I wrote throw it away I was also thinking make friends with the turkey I was thinking of Eric's approach would be but I think that's wrong because then I think they are going to fully beg you every time yeah yeah take a dog yeah what about a water gun one of those super soakers don't hate that because you're not hurting it No. So we have raccoons that come and eat.

We have an outdoor cat, and the raccoons eat the cat food. And we don't want to hurt the raccoon. They're allowed to be outside, but it's a lot. And they come right up and they eat our, it's an old cat. And so lately what I've been doing is I have a thing of water. I'll just throw the water at the raccoon. And that water freaks out a raccoon like you wouldn't believe. And so if you got one of those super-soakers and you walked out and the turkey had an idea,

you know sheep dogs all you got to do is bite the sheep dog bites one sheep the amount of blood the other sheep see they're not interested you're gonna bite that sheep dog one time it's never gonna bite that blood goes ever and i've seen it and i've seen it i've seen it yeah okay turkey counter yeah yeah i've seen it it's okay of you of you shooting the turkey with a water gun and talk about it and bully the city it's going to go so viral you shooting turkeys with a water gun And you go like, because I have to. I have to. I literally, I called a podcast so that I could like, and then people are going to lose their money.

Elise, Elise, will you help us with something? Yeah. This is now all of us in a very strong idea. Will you make a video, Alyssa, of you saying the turkey problem is making it so hard for me to do my job because I get attacked? So I had to call we're here to help. And Elise Myers, Gareth Reynolds, and Jake Johnson told me to get a. water gun to shoot them because the city of boise will not help with this problem then go out on a road and while film yourself doing it and then at least will you help animate it into a clip

and we will post it on our studio and see if we can actually help by raising awareness for the turkey issue well she posted i'll do it i'll literally put duet on my own channel okay great right what does that mean do at it oh like like uh it put i put next to like my face next to it and i I'm like, this was me. I think he's called. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, we'll go to like 7 million, I know, like 12 million people. Yeah, yeah, let's do that.

And maybe we hashtag it, noisy, boise. Noisy, but it's not noisy. Do I need to walk you all through the sounds? You're just trying to go back to your sounds, but this is about her problem. Yeah, she doesn't want to be attacked. I know, I know, but also, Garrett, that's just you're trying to connect you to her socials. What would you have? Male.

attack. I mean, noisy, boise. Should we just connect it, Michael Winslow? Can I, can we isolate the two seconds where it felt like that idea had some steam until it completely fell apart? Felt like there was a sweet little window. No, but this is a, this is a real win. Yeah, I agree. If you do that, you say, we didn't know it.

I didn't know what to do. I called Animal Patrol. They did nothing. So I called, we're here to help. They had Elise Myers on. The three of them came up with its idea. We, I did it. But guys, I need some help.

These turkeys are out of control. No, she doesn't say that. No. Okay, why not? The city is in trouble. Because you want the comments to say that. She doesn't need to say that. So what you do is you just show, like, you're, in your mind, you're resigned.

The city's not going to help you. I like this. You're taking it into your own hands. You're now. She's great. I don't even think you need to explain that you talk to us at the top because what people are going to see is it's going to load under the screen. They're going to scroll if they see you talking about a podcast. Yes.

But they're not going to scroll if they see you with a super soaker. And the next shot is like the thing popped up. A turkey is coming at you and you're going to like this. And then you explain it because people are going to be like, why the fuck is she hitting a turkey with a squirt gun? And then you don't say anything about like the city helping you. The city is going to, people are going in the comments. I'll go in.

Give me your socials offline here. Like on the other. Yeah, yeah. I can check in and when you do it, I'll repost it and stuff. But you need the comments to come up for you, not you. This is perfect. I mean, what a punch up. Yeah, but by the way, that's perfect.

Yes. Did you get all that? Yes. Sorry, I'm going to go slower. Do you explain it to slower? Oh, no, no, no, no. It'll be okay. I got this.

I actually got to go back to work in like a minute. This is perfect. So you got a plan. And here's the reality. We're not airing this episode until October. Because I think, and that's per you, at least. So I think it's when the book's coming out. So we will air this.

And let's not post on the social media until right then. So we will all coordinate it together. So you've got about a month and a half or so to figure it out. To get the footage, get a super, multiple days. Multiple days. Yes. Different outfits. Different outfits is exactly right.

All right. Awesome. Well, thank you guys. Thank you. If this gets to. the city and they changed the turkey problem oh my god holy shit that's a super win

that's a super soaker win there it is super win alice is taking your by the way I mean she's doing the phone she's getting a good pitches she's not saying make it Boise Noisy or something Stoey Boise buddy and I believe that was an Elise pitch

Oh oh Well we appreciate the call Follow up with us We'll make a big push in October Elise By the way, October, right before Thanksgiving, this timing is perfect. Oh, my God. Alyssa, you just have to survive two months.

The timing is perfect. That's crazy. All right. Well, we'll be in touch, Alyssa. Thank you for the call. Thank you, Alyssa. Good to meet you. All right.

Thanks. Stay safe there, noisy, boise. Nice. We're here to help. is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question at helpful pod at gmail.com.

And if you want to watch video episodes of we're here to help, you can go to our Patreon at patreon.com slash here to help pod to see our entire catalog. We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grimm Productions, executive producers Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter, and Natalie Hollis,

Associate producer Jesse Thurston, editing mix and master by Chris Foller. Theemed song by Oliver Raleigh, The cover artwork is by James Fostike, animations by Andrew Strelecki. And if you'd like to see Gareth, who stand up on the road, go to garethrenolds.com.

Remember all of the advice, given on we're here to help, is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions. All video episodes of season one are available now on Patreon, and season two video episodes

will be available every Monday starting January 20th. Go to patreon.com forward slash here to help pod. What's going on? It's Lamarne Morris. And Hannah Simone. And we host The Mess Around, a New Girl rewatch podcast now on Headgum. Now, here's the thing.

Every single week, we chat about an episode of New Girl. And we really get into it. Like, we get up in there. We get up in there. You know, we reminisce about our times on set. We share behind the scenes tea. We react to rewatching episodes that we haven't seen in years.

We talk about how Jake Johnson is dog. That's not true. We talk about so many memories we have of working with the biggest stars on the planet. I'm talking Prince, Taylor Swift, Olivia Rodrigo. We're just two BFFs having a good old time, okay? Sometimes we even talk to other co-stars like Zoe Day Chanel, Jake Johnson, Max Greenfield, and Damon Wayne's Jr.

And your dad. We talk to your dad on this show as well. Make sure you subscribe to the mess around wherever you get your podcasts. New episodes drop every single Tuesday.