We're Here to Help - 226: Buttercup's Garden

Episode Date: November 3, 2025

Jake and Gareth help a caller whose mom reminds Jake of his biggest crush. Plus, the follow-up to Ep 212 "Sh*t Show."See images from the episode here: http://www.heretohelppod.com/post/episode-226Want to call in? Email your question to [e-mail]: https://patreon.com/heretohelppodMERCH: heretohelppod.comINSTAGRAM: @HereToHelpPodIf you’re enjoying the show, make sure to rate We’re Here to Help 5-Stars on Apple Podcasts.Visit gemini.google/students to learn more and sign up. Terms apply.Advertise on We’re Here to Help via Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a headgum podcast. fun episode, one I'm excited about, one I think you're going to really enjoy. Gareth and I do this one together today as it's Monday. We've established Monday is the G-Man and I. Wednesday is, we're trying to do guests on Wednesday. Don't always land them, but we're in a period right now where we're getting a lot of guests. And so either we do a guest or we do a, you know, a little weird one. And then Fridays every other week, we're doing weird here to chats and throwing some

friendship games in there too and the reason it is is why the hell not but i'm coming on now this is going to be a short intro because we got a big show we have a big first caller and you might be wondering why you hear solo and i'm going to tell you why i'm here solo it's because on today's episode the great the amazing the sweet my love pam reynolds comes on and i didn't want Gareth here saying, Shut up, shut up, stop talking about my mom. Because he's missing the point of it, folks. Sure.

Pammy and I have a sweet back and forth that borders on inappropriate. Sure. One of our great members of this community painted a photograph or painted a painting with me and Pam and each other's arms with her. shirt off or staring at me lustfully as I look away. And sure, we're asking people not to print that out and bring it to Garris live shows and ask him to sign it because that would be inappropriate. It's the last thing he needs to see after a live show, a photograph of his buddy who annoys him and his mother bare chested next to each other. And then

the great Margaret described it as two lovers about to quench their thirst of each other. Carrick doesn't need to be reminded of that after a wonderful stand-up show. But I do want to say she comes on and she crushes it, like always. She's so fun. I think you're going to love the episode. I know that I do. I hope everybody had a very safe Halloween. I'm curious if anybody has any weird costumes or stories based off of or near the podcast.

I don't know. I mean, you got a bunch of people dressing like characters from New Girl or from Jurassic World. They do the Lowry, which is fun. Does anybody dress like a character from the podcast? Does that even happen? Anybody kink their hair out and go as Gareth? Anybody going as Eric and Steve? Anybody overtired driving a scooter around being me?

I don't know. I just wanted to throw it out there. I want to give a big thank you to the community for paying attention. Continuing to pay attention. I will say the Steveburg calendar is wrapping up. We are going to close that up. Morgan is going to send something out

about the details of it all. I still can't believe we made a calendar of Steve Berg, and I can't believe how it's turning out. And the most shocking news, I can't believe that it's kind of hot. Never in a million years did I see that coming.

Steve Berg is a sex symbol. Okay, man. 2025 is backwards years man but look if i'm honest with myself when i'm looking at those photos i'm not laughing i'm imagining i'm one of those trouts and he's pulling out of a lake and when i look up i go not mad i'm in these big hands i mean i'm not imagining that but you get the idea he looks good he's a handsome guy we've had uh the um the photographer that did Garris' weird photo shoot where he's in those weird

pants looking insane trying to look like he's in a boy, man. What is that man doing? He reached out and wants to photograph Steve on a boat. I think we've done enough

modeling for a while. We're going to have a interesting November and December because we've got the holidays coming up and on some of those episodes we throw some weird episodes as they go. But we are going back to format. We're going to do more just calls for a while.

It's been really fun mixing things up. But we appreciate you being part of the experiment. We hope you guys are having as much fun as we are. And stay tuned for just a shocking PAM performance. So welcome to November, everybody. Without further ado. This episode is, brought to you by Zell. If you need to give money to somebody or send money to somebody

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promo code here to help for 25% off mattresses plus an extra $50 off. Support our show and let them know we sent you after checkout. This episode of We're Heard Hub was brought to you by the great Squarespace. If you've been listening to our show at all, you know we use Squarespace. It's how people build websites. I don't think if you're going to build a website, there's no other term. It's Squarespace. I'm going to start saying, do you have a Squarespace?

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And it's Rachel Hi Rachel You got Jake You got Gareth Welcome to we're here to help America's No more podcast Don't look it up Where are you calling from?

Let's go with Northern New England Is that a fall? Is it fall? The lighthouse No, it's New Hampshire Fine It's New Hampshire It doesn't matter

I don't know I feel like you're not supposed To tell anyone where Everyone always has lied. No, you're more than welcome to lie. It's just sometimes, yeah, it's funny to have a fake region, I guess. I think you're our first fake, like, zone. How old are you, Rachel?

I'm going to be 40 on Saturday. Hold on. Hold on. Why the sigh first? The 40s are the best, Rachel. They're great. Okay, then I'm excited. I'm thrilled.

Yeah. Okay. Feels like that's fabricated, but we'll take it. And then we know Jesse told us that someone else is probably going to be calling in, but maybe you should just get us started here. Yeah, we can't count on her, so I can get up to it. Interesting. We've been through this before.

So what's going on? It's my sister. Oh, it's your sister. Okay, okay. Well, what's up? Get us started. Sure. So my sister and I, it's just the two of us.

And we both have children, and we're both very close to our mother, who we love very much. And I will preface this by saying she does not listen to this podcast. So I think it's fine that she's a wonderful mom and she's raised us and nothing but love. But she's a little eccentric. That's not new. She lives very close to my sister in about an hour for me. So like she's very involved in our lives. We spend a lot of time together as family, but also like she spends a lot of time with the Korean kids, etc.

Um, and I think her eccentricism, I don't know, whatever that word is. Accentricities. I sort of like, thank you. It has changed or sort of blossomed in her older years, perhaps. Um, as I guess this maybe tends to happen, but it's gotten to be a little bit too much for us to manage. And she doesn't really think anything's wrong with her eccentricities. So it's a little bit challenging. Um, she, do you have any questions?

Can I keep going? Sure. Okay. We both, we all have kids. I'm just going to jump in really quick. It sounds like you're getting there, but you had sort of reframed in the new version of the question about your kid and sort of. Yeah. So let's hope.

Let's focus it on that. But I also like it, Rachel, you got a little bit mad at us that we didn't have a question. Well, you know, you're just setting it up. I'm seeing the picture. You go, you got any questions? Gareth goes, no, you go, okay. You know, it really reminds me of, like, in stand-up, when your premise is, like, you're going through it, you're like, okay, I'm bombing pretty hard, so we're very invested. No, we're very invested.

It's great. It's a great setup. We're just waiting to see where it goes. My own, okay, I'll give you a question. What should we call mother? Let's just give her a fake name. Can we give her her her grandmother name, which is the name she's actually called as a grandmother? Sure, whatever you want.

It's buttercup. okay well that's very specific uh we'll get into that soon enough but keep going you're doing great great so we have children under the age of six so we have a six year old my sister has a six year old and a baby and i have a four year old and i have a boy and maybe you guys know but boys like to pee outside that that never changes so totally love that for him great he loves to pee outside he has he figured it out that's fine but he he doesn't quite understand that you can't pee outside anywhere.

You have to pick and choose where you pee outside, right? So, like, you can be outside at home in the backyard, but you can't, like, pee outside at the playground. No. Like, in the middle of playing. Unacceptable. I mean, yeah, it's not great. And so, you know, we're working on that.

Like, you can't be there. Easy rule on that, Rachel. Move to France. Yeah. Nope. Oh. If someone can see your hog, put it back in the barn. Oh, okay, that's very fair.

And I will definitely let him know when I see him today. Because if you're in a park and no one's around, you can release the hog from the barn. Who cares? I still even think. But if one person could possibly see the hog, get it in the barn. You need a layer of brush behind you in order to be. What if you're in a full park and there's nothingness? The park is too active of a zone.

Well, as long as you're willing. to do the immediate and then pretend with your hands that you're doing something where you're pointing at something so you're just weiner poked out and you're pointing your minority reporting alone at a park that's called the minority report Tom cruising just Tom you don't want to go to a park and Tom cruise oh it's actually take away Tom just go to a park and cruise and that means your hands are going like this as your hogs out yeah as you're just whizzing okay so keep going Rachel. So here's what I understand so far. You got two sisters. You adore your mom. We made sure the one sister, right? One sister. There's two girls total. Yeah, one sister. You got three kids total.

We made it very clear that mom was great because we don't want to hurt mom's feelings because clearly she's sensitive. So we spent about a minute and a half of doing Eric Edelstein Steve Berg talk and that's she's the best. She's wonderful. She's great. We love it. She's wonderful. The best mom on earth. And so she goes by Buttercup We also, Jesse jumped in And don't forget to talk about the kid What we learned about the kid is he likes to piss outside And it's hard to teach him

Hey, you can't pee anywhere you want When Grandma likes to like walk around Without a lot of pants on at her home Excuse me? Grandma, sorry Now we can jump in Now we'll jump in Explain how Buttercup dresses

So Buttercup is a woman in her 70s, she's very active and fit. She wears normal clothes usually, except she does not like to be uncomfortable and she doesn't like to be, you know, she's like to feel strapped down. So if it's very hot, she will wear very little clothing. And not in public necessarily.

Very little, what do we talk? Yeah, agreed, Rachel. Like a sports bra, like she recently went hiking in the woods this summer in a sports bra and underwear, but she got lost. So she ended up having to go. Okay, that's, okay. So just on.

Here's what I need from you now, Rachel. Mm. You got to stop dancing around. Yeah. And I'll tell you why. She doesn't like to be strapped down. I feel like this is a, where I'm talking to Steve and Eric again last night.

She doesn't like to be strapped on. She's hiking an underpants and a bra. It's madness. Underpants and madness. What are we talking? Because there's a little bit of underpants. Granny panties. This is insane.

If I saw a seven-year-old woman in underpants on a Griffin's Park, I'd lose my mind. I'd always assume she's lost. So we don't live in L.A. and she was walking in like she has a bunch of properties. It was like her wooded area. It borders like, you know, it borders humanity. And when you get lost, you're going to have to see humanity. Sure.

I understand that a little bit more. It makes a little more sense. She's an eccentric lady in her own land, and guess what? If I end up in my sevens... Oh, God. Sorry. Keep going. You're right.

No, I'm going to say it. I got to stop. You're right. Say it. You know what's going to happen. I'm going to say it. But if I got acres and I decide, you know what? I'm battling a little cancer.

I'm not feeling great. I'm going to take a little hit of this green magic. Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm stone-dusanne. Coffee tastes wonderful. I'm going to take a walk. I'm not going. I'm putting jeans on.

No. I'm going, I'm in a weird pair of old man underpants. Let's put duct tape on the bottom of my feet so I don't get scratched and just walk around. That's sane. The level of dedication to not clothing yourself is obviously off the charts. Put duct tape on the nipples as to not offend the animals and let's dance. It's just obviously crazy. And also duct tape on the top of your head so the aliens don't come in.

All right, Rachel, you have to jump in now. It's not even an option anymore. So you wanted interjections. You got him, sister. In the summer, she's hot, hot enough. And she has this garden. And, yeah, she has like a long driveway so she could see someone coming. But she'll be in her garden in, you know, underwear, like granny panties and like a sports bra or something.

And she has to pee because she's too lazy. She just like pees. She pees wherever she wants. This is crazy. And she thinks that's fine. We went on a hike and she peed behind the trailhead. There was a portable. potty and we had left home 15 minutes before.

This is wild. All right, Rachel. I'm getting a sense. So it's too much. It's too much. I agree. Now, okay, peeing at the trailhead, is she trying to hide herself at all or she's just kind of like, okay, so she's sort of going off somewhere and she's pulling the granny

panties down and she's squatting and pissing. Yeah, but she's going off like the trail. This is like a very popular trail. She's 200 feet from a parking lot, and she goes down the trail. She goes behind the sign that says, like, welcome to the trail. Here's the map. Maybe, like, 20 or 30 feet. She just squats it out.

So, Rachel, growing up, what was Buttercup like? Oh, my Lord. Very similar to the way she is now. But, yeah, I mean, I guess she's always been like this. A wild card. For some reason, it just seems like a little bit. but more accentuated in her older years. She's always

been the mom that people come over and be like, yeah, like your mom, you know, she's just weird, but like she's fun and cool and really give a shit. I just need to say point blank, I have a crush on Buttercup. Oh my God, my friend just recently told you that and I find that so close. He said, I need to come to your

house and she's walking around naked. I don't know. There's something about this lady that one, I want to watch a documentary called Butter Cubs Garden. Yeah. And two, I want to just, I like this vibe. I like it too.

Does she smoke a lot of pot? Yes. So no, she does have like some gummies. She uses for pain. It's always gummies. Of course it's got. Yeah. The answer is yes.

65 gummies become such a big player in 80%. Yeah. Well, especially if it's because they say it's for pain. It's not for it. I mean, sleep. The odds the other one. It helps me sleep. Yeah.

I only do it to. sleep and then to wake up and then all of a sudden you're walking naked through your property with duct tape on your nipples feet and forehead she's done out of her mind he kind of always has done this like we lived as a family of three women so like we walked around naked in the house that wasn't that weird so like we're very it was weird depending on your age rachel okay the issue here is obviously there's two sets of rules there's home-based rules and then there's society rules now if you're talking about moving the goalpost in society to where we all piss outside and I'm okay with that

we're just not there nobody is talking about that some of us are talking on the side about maybe excuse me minority report architect how dare you now Rachel first of all it's amazing that your sister's still not here that says a lot about how Buttercup

is racing half of the family I will tell you my sister has a baby and she didn't have anyone to watch the baby except Buttercup and she felt very guilty about asking Buttercup to watch baby. In order to do it.

Yeah. So then let me ask you a question, Rachel. Because now we've got a very clean setup. What is your specific question we can help you with on today's episode of We're Here to Help? As Garris says, the number one podcast in the world, don't look it up because our numbers will not reflect that. Don't look it up, for God's sake.

You will not reflect that. Won't look it up. And how can we get her to tone it down so that, like, we're not peeing at the trailhead and we're not peeing maybe like in front of the grandkids even outside in the summer um just sort of like if you're alone if you're by yourself do whatever you want but like with the family with these children who pick up on everything okay i get it hone it down i got something i do too okay so i think the way we're not going to change buttercup a buttercup a buttercup so it's a buttercup so it's a

It's like saying, I want to eat a buttercup, but I don't want to gain weight. Get the fuck out of here. They don't eat the buttercup. So when buttercup is locked and loaded for who she is, and God bless her. She's going to be who she is on her land. She's going to squat and she's going to piss and God bless. What we can do, though, is keep it away from the grandkids. And here's how I think we do that, Rachel.

you say my son at school took the hog out of the barn on the playground and when he got in trouble he said it's okay my buttercup does this and the other day he was at school he took his clothes off he was just in his underpants and said no my buttercup does this so i think what we need to do because the kids are starting they love you so much they're starting to be influenced by you so let's tighten things up just so they don't get in trouble in school we don't want you to change it all but they adore you we adore you but just until they get a little bit older and they understand the difference between societal right and wrongs can we throw some shorts on and not piss on a trail i think reasonable like i think i think she can be i mean i'll tell you this

rachel here's what i think i would do it would work okay i'm i'm buttercup My daughters are already embarrassed by me. I'm doing everything I can to keep it high and tight because they're in school. By the time I'm in my 70s and they have kids, it's going to get weird. The wheels will be off. Do you have an example of one of the high and tight, one of the shifts you've made because it's eccentric? Close. If we're going to go to a school thing, my wife will say, like, please don't wear that. those short shorts. Yeah, you, I will say you are out of control, as am I, and I cannot imagine

it's not good. There will be times where we'll be at an event and I'll be trying to make jokes with them and then they'll be making jokes back and it's not appropriate. My wife will say, you three need to stop now. Right. And so, you know, I'm like, you're not wrong. We were getting loud and so if the idea of it is it's a slight detriment to the kid and the kid at school is getting in trouble because they love you so much they're copying could you do it for them just until they get a little bit older i i would say no problem i also love the pitch i wonder if you want to go a little further and have a female friend of yours or if you're whatever the gender of the teacher is have them leave a voicemail getting into detail about what happened that you

can play for buttercup so maybe it's sanctioned you like that idea rachel oh yes or like an email i feel like an email well here's why i like the voicemail we could do it right now gareth and i could be the administration at the school yep but only if you would actually send it only if you would actually send it to her though I would probably just have her listen to it like I would go and have her listen to it you know what I mean like I would have it on my phone

and be like oh god you have to hear them could your sister be there with her phone and record it yes we can get her on the line she absolutely can be all right so I'll answer the questions for her Jake yes she will play it and yes we should do this and yes

the sister will also record it well you're just doing that because you want to do the bit but I'm only doing it if it's going to really happen. I have other pitches and I want to do the bit so bad I should put duct tape on my nipples. Let's hear the other pitches really fast.

Okay. Set up a fake security. Have your friend who wants to see your mother in her element dress up in a security jacket and the next time that you're at the park and she's going to do it or out in public,

have them come over as a fake security guard suggesting that what's happening is inappropriate. likewise have a fake snake in your bag so when you go on some of these hikes you sort of throw a fake snake behind her and then go oh my god and then you sort of say that's why there's a bathroom you're going to get yourself in you're going to get your vagina bit is the that's the name of that pitch not what i said not what i said merge title not what i said um the other the other is I do have access to someone else who does this.

Your new nickname is Vagina Snake Biter. Wrong. Oh. Merch. I will say my mother. Special title. My mother in England does this pisses. I know she does.

Stop. Why would you say that? Stop. I didn't want to go here. Mom, he's outside? Yes. And what we could do is I could call her and pitch her on what, would be the largest, like what would dissuade her the most from doing this?

I like that. And I was just thinking, so the snake thing I also like, because my mom has very few fears, but one of them is stink. So that's great. And then she's, yeah, she's really scared of snake. She hates them. And I did have this one time she did pee in my backyard because I wasn't home and she had to pee.

I know. And she was passing by. And anyway, and we do have a ring camera. So I guess there's some video somewhere. You know what we could do? This is, I'm not pitching Pigley and Moe, but it would work in this case for her. For the last time. Okay.

They are no longer with us. But this is a situation with Buttercup. She's weird enough that you could say, hey, mom, I heard this podcast and these guys were talking about a thing that's been happening. And that is because urine attracts snakes. So if you pee outside, it's becoming a thing for people that their private parts and their upper thighs are getting bit by snakes. So there's this huge warning right now in the northeast because there's these invasive snakes that the smell of urine attracts them and they think it's a threat. So do not pee outside because snakes will bite your cooch.

I will say That's a Biglin Mova I've never heard one They're dead But I do think there I would worry that your mother is going to Scoff at something like this Unless she heard a podcast from two doctors Well I'm not listen

There are other people who can pretend to be podcast It can't be Biglin Moe I mean they're talking about they died They had a chap acquitted They passed away okay but but so our audience hates that

hates hates every now and that it's someone will come up and be like I did like Pigley and Mo

I'm like oh stop stop but I worry that that might be too soft for her I worry

that she would go like whatever it's fine I think maybe you need to have more of a

direct intervention but what do you think where to go to Rachel Gareth's thinking the same thing she'd immediately

Google it though she would yeah yeah immediately she'd be like i can't find any proof of this like i don't know what you're talking about and she would just ignore well that's why the audience hates pigley and moe yeah they always say that part of it if rachel liked pigley and moe she'd say yes she wouldn't say wouldn't work well out of all of these people did you like pigley and moe let's just keep going with this part do you think we could get a voice note from pam yes But we're not going to get it now, so it'll just be at the end.

We could. I could have her say something into the microphone right now. I could call her and she could say something that we could record it. I mean, if we wanted to. How good would it sound? She's good. She'd be good. Yeah, call her up.

Should we? Now, what do we want her to say? Because she's going to need clear direction. No, she won't be able to hear you. Thank God. You know what, Jesse, will you send her a Zoom link? Sure, I can do that. Hello.

How are you, Pam? It's Jake. Hello, Jake. How you doing? We miss you. You've had your haircut. I have? I think I just washed it last night.

Disgusting. Don't link up with someone who brags about that, Mom. Well, it looks like you might have to put a bit of color on it, too. Really? No. Constant accusations. But I appreciate that. That's a nice thing.

I know, but it is nice. First of all, Pam, before we get it. into this how you doing how's everything i'm all right thank you i've got i've got another new leg so i'm doing very well good jake i like i like your monkey and i like your gorilla thank you stop talking all right mom uh i've been waiting a lifetime to hear that mom here's what you need your help with you know what that means in cock me don't she quiet mom uh here's what we need to help him what does monkey mean in cockney when we were growing up Mom, Jake

Rachel I couldn't repeat it Sorry, sorry Rachel, you're right I couldn't repeat it All right Hey Pam, I like your monkey too Three to one and we're back Okay mom so here's what's going on

On the phone right now is Rachel She's calling from Northern New England She eventually admitted it was just New Hampshire Her mother is named Buttercup Buttercup is a bit eccentric and has a propensity for urinating outside. Her son and her niece and nephew

have sort of adopted this practice. Not a tremendous amount, but there's some troubling signs. And Rachel wants to get it so that her mother stops going to the bathroom kind of wherever she wants. I, after hearing this, after some pitches, fessed up that you like to piss outside too.

Sometimes we'll go on walks. you'll go off to somewhere I'll have to keep watch and you'll have a piss and you do this sometimes with your sister Hillary you do this sometimes on your own but it's a thing by the way Pam there's nothing wrong with this nothing I agree with Jake I'm with you I like this nobody's against you mom we're just trying to get we're trying to solve Rachel's our little stepson might be he might be a little bratty right now Pam but I'm 100% you deserve to pee wherever you want you've earned it

quiet absolutely it's the If it is, then consider me English. Yeah, well, let's hear the accent then, weirdo. I love you, palmy. Terrible. I mean, the best he's ever done for some reason. I don't know why. But, but, Mama, so we're really going to ask you,

what would stop you or scare you a little bit out of pissing outside? We have a couple pitches. So can we just kind of throw them at you and you tell us which one sounds the most impactful? I know we're not going to curb your pissing. outside but we're just trying to help or before we do this with little with little baby boy gareth my stepson trying to control everything pam not even letting you breathe you that's you that i'm worried about he talks so it's like a little teenage boy okay so first of maybe he's a bit of a baby yes i can hear you have no idea

you know what it was like when he was a little guy i i have to deal with it no it's nonstop. Jake, I admire you. Damn, I admire you. Stop. What, dude, would you just stick to the goddamn call, Jake? So, Pam, before Gareth tries to control anything, do you have any thoughts on this whole call from Rachel? Her mother's nickname is Buttercup about Buttercup peeing outside? What are your thoughts? Well, I can tell you something, actually, rather just a little to her. When I was little, I, we, I once started to pee outside, and my dad saw me.

I'd pee in the garden, and I didn't think anybody saw me. And this one day he saw me, and he told me I wasn't to come in anymore and use the toilet. He was going to dig me a hole in the garden. Why did he do that? To stop you. To stop me. He thought it would stop me because I think he thought it was so disgusting. And so if he dug me a hole.

So you see, I think that's where my peeing outside has come from. Did it stop you at all? No, she's still doing it. No, I was a bit frightened of him, so I stopped it until I got old. And now I'm old. I go anywhere. So do you have, so the reason we're in this predicament is Rachel feels that her mom is starting to influence her kids who are young and her son is starting to pee in the weirdest places. Oh, well, I don't know really because.

Like I say, in England, people just pee anywhere. My little nephew just pulls his pants down in my sister's garden. I have to jump in. What she's saying is not true. The nephew might do it, but only because, again, I mean, it's the exact same problem. So, Mom, let me walk you through a couple of things we've talked about. And you tell me what would maybe stop you the most. Okay.

Okay. Byer way. Okay. The first one is. what if the school, like you talk about the nephew, what if the school called and said, hey, the child is peeing outside, and when we asked the child about it,

they said it was because of Pam. They know that Pam pees outside, so they think it's okay. Would that make you piss outside less, more, or the same? Oh, less. I'd try to curb it a bit, a bit. Yes. You would.

Yes. Yes. Interesting. Rachel, do you have any questions for Pam? I mean, Pam, you just seem a lot like my mom. I wish she lived in England or vice versa. I think you guys would really get along. I want to try something really fast. Rachel and Pam, can we do a role playing

where you practice, Rachel, talking to your mom about seeing if she could curb the peen? And Pam, will you just play this as Pam? Yes, I will. And then just consider your four-year-old you were talking about the boy who's peeing outside. You say everybody does it in England. So for you, it's how you feel. And Rachel, will you jump in?

We're going to go to the Rachel. And Pam, we're just going to call you Buttercup, which might be my new nickname for you if you're okay with that. So the last time you'll be on the show, by the way, Mom. Go ahead. Not true. Yes, true. So Buttercup, are you okay with that nickname? Yes, I think it sounds very nice.

Thank you. I'm flattered. I'm flattered. All right. So in three, two, I'm in love with Buttercup and go. Okay. Oh. Rachel, tell me your problem.

I'm Buttercup. Oh, hey, ma. It's very natural. This is where you get the acting skills. I know how to set a sense where I'm my writing skills come from. I'm a police officer. You're being arrested. Dialogs always been a strength.

My story. Anyway. No, no, no, no. Go ahead. Um, mom fresh buttercup, you know, um, I was just talking to the other day about not peeing outside, outside of the yard, you know, like maybe like not in a parking lot, like maybe not in the playground, definitely not at school outside. And he doesn't really understand why that's the problem because he sees you do it

wherever you want outside of the home. And, you know, I just, I'm wondering if maybe like it's not great for you to just pull down your pants all the time in front of the kids anymore and pop a squat, you know, because usually there is an accessible bathroom at them somewhere in the vicinity. And I know you love being outside, but, you know, it might be time to, like, change your ways. I have to say, Rachel, I agree with you and I will. I know I've got to the ripe old age and I've always done it, but I don't know. agree with you. It's not politically correct and it's not nice for your son to learn a nasty habit from me. So I shall absolutely do my best to. Oh my gosh, Mom, you're so reasonable. Rachel, is that anything the way Buttercup might respond? Because this actually might be the best

to approach. No. How will Buttercup respond? She'll probably argue and she'll be like, I'm sure he's just doing it for fun. And it's definitely not because of me, but if you don't want me to, I won't pee in front of him. Right. Let me ask you this. But she would probably say, yeah, she'll change a little. Great scene. And Jake, great work. I had a feeling you were going to jump in there and be a real weirdo, and you seem to have. They were both great actors.

Okay, great. Mom, what if there was someone with a phone who you thought was filming you in public doing it like a stranger? Would that make you feel like you would stop doing it? Oh, yes, definitely. What if there was a... What wouldn't work, though, for you? because I got a feeling everything is going to be, oh, yes, definitely, and I got a feeling later today you're going to be pissing out in the garden.

Without question. She's got a hold on. I'm starting to feel like I'm getting the absolutely that would work. Two minutes later, I'm going to do whatever I want. Well, yes, I have to say, I mean, if I go for my walk tomorrow and I need to go, yeah, down, I'll come my drawers. But will you be, will you be more? Would you like to go for a walk, my dear?

All righty, and that's the problem. What about if there was a fake, what if there was a sound from Rachel? incredible. What if there was a security person who approached you when you were doing it and said what you're doing is not legal? You can't do it anymore. Oh, I'd be horrified. Okay. And what about any of it would you stop? No, I mean, I'd be horrified and take my, my, my peeing ticket and then, or weeing ticket, and then I'd continue the next day. What about if when you did it, there was a snake close to you? Oh, no, I wouldn't do that.

Would that, that wouldn't stop you at all? Oh, that would put me off? Now, would any of those put you off more than any of the others? What on that scale is the worst? I think being spotted by the law. You think someone may be coming over and being like, hey, we know you've been peeing in this area. It's a problem.

Knock it off? Yes, but I would only probably react at that point because I'm sure like the real buttercup, I'm the fake buttercup. When you want to go, you want to go. and you just go, and that's it. And I walk quite a lot. So would any of these...

There's a reason I'm in love with you, Pam. You're the best. You wouldn't, Jake, if you saw me spotting in the bushes. You don't know me. Gareth does. That's why he's so threatened. Listen, this is a tight rope act the entire time. So far, we're still on the rope,

but I don't know how much longer we will be. would any of these lead you if after one of these happened as an inciting moment and then there was a conversation about never doing it in front of the kids and making sure the kids thought it was inappropriate would any of these lead you to following that ask more than the others I would I would not want little ones to see me doing it no I really wouldn't would any of those things I just laid out would they make you stop doing it more in front of the kids? Well, I think the, you know, if a policeman came up and wanted to give me a ticket for doing it, I think that would be this, that would be the most effective. What do you think of that, Rachel? I mean, challenging to put on, but like it's possible we could try it.

I just, you know, like right time, right place, the fake policeman, seems like a lot of work. Well, whenever we go, I keep saying this to Gareth, but Pam, as you know, our boy, never listens. But this fictional third party policemen, it just never works with us. So what are you leaning towards Jake and Rachel? What are your thoughts? Let's go to Rachel first. What are you thinking here? I mean, I like the teacher sort of like creating, you know, saying like, oh, this is a problem, you know, like that seems a little bit more believable. I kind of like the snake thing just because she hates snakes so much. I just, I just feel like she's going to do a little digging and be like you're full of shit but so I feel like the snake thing is my favorite but I just don't know

if I could pull it off but I like the like teacher sort of like sending a message like you know like there's a problem buttercup is really influencing the young children now and so how would you like that ideally done would you want to just start a fake email account from the school yeah because all you got to do is do one spelling wrong with the school something she's not going to check that and then send it to you to a British woman who always sounds authoritative who could do a voicemail right now that's a great idea by the way what do you think and then would you actually play this for a mom and say you got a voice note from uh one of his teachers the head mistress we might need to update the terms are you trying to make my head explode

You're the head mistress in a role-playing game? All right, let's lock in here. Are you fucking kidding me, Giro? Go play game switch in the other room. Here's 20 bucks, little guy. Go to the corner store and play pinball. The head mistress is in the other room. This is the worst the show's ever been, without question.

Rachel, even Rachel's bugged out. All of our audience is Rachel. It's just me and Pam. Mum, will you do this? We will give you a couple details, and then can you just start talking like you're leaving a voicemail for Rachel from the school? Do you want me to sort of be the headmistress?

Yes, but please stop saying headmistress. Please keep saying headmistress. And also say, Jake, you're tardy. Rachel. And start getting mad at me from my bad behavior. Rachel, I'm going to jump in here. Will you, what is the, we'll bleep out what is the name of the school okay preschool like it's preschool so like and then

should we make this the head principal yeah that's like we'll make the director it's like a director okay so we'll say the director of preschool and that's what i'm to say the time to say the time you're the yep you can even say your name is pam reynolds if you want you're the director of preschool we will bleep this out the child's name again? Okay, so Mum, you've got to say you're Pam Reynolds from

preschool and has been caught going to the bathroom in places outside where he shouldn't be peeing. It's not appropriate and when pressed about it and confronted, he said he learned

it from his grandma buttercup. I think this is a great Gareth. Yeah, I don't get to. All right. So, and don't Don't, Mum, we can correct you and we'll edit it together, so don't worry. Don't feel like you got to stick the landing on the first try. But you're the headmistress, Pam, and she's in charge.

Don't be afraid to talk about what you're annoyed with that. You're the guy in the class, Jake, who's smoking cigs. No, again, again, these are children. And remember, you're the head principal. Then there's one 19-year-old boy who just got off of Harley. That's a huge problem. And way off course. So, Mom, you're the-janer.

Then you need to be looked at in a separate. phone call and a separate incident report. Don't say a, okay, mom, you're Pam Reynolds from the preschool. has been peeing outside in inappropriate places. And I'm Joey, the janitor who just got out of jail. And ignore Jake. All right, mom. Okay, right.

So whenever you're ready, just start, remember, authoritative, but not so much that Jake jumps in. Are you going to get an action to start it? I will. Yeah. Whenever you're ready, Mom. action these floors are so dirty get out of here mom ignore that hey look at this

it's a fucking mess it's a voicemail it's a voicemail all right go ahead mom whenever you're ready yes hello this is the director of the preschool and I wanted to bring something to your attention that we've just become aware of and we find a little concerning that it seems to be

weeing outside in the playground or wherever wherever he feels it's okay for him. And when we confronted him, he told us that his grandmother Buttercup, he's learned from her, and it seems to be to him acceptable behavior. And we don't find acceptable behavior. So we wondered if we could just point this out

and perhaps get some kind of resolution. We'd like to talk to you about it. And between us, we can probably decide how we should approach it so that s** doesn't feel that he's a naughty boy. And so anyway, the quicker we can get together, that would be fantastic. So thank you very much indeed. We look forward to hearing from you.

Holy shit was that good. I think that's perfect. Pam, Rachel? That's a 10 out of 10. I thought it was amazing. Amazing. Yeah, that's great. Pam, that was so good.

Now, quickly, would you just say, Jake, you're the naughty boy? All right, Mom. Thank you so much, Mom. That'll be it. And Mom, just hit end. and then it'll say Biden boy. You killed it.

Say naughty boy. Jake, you're a naughty boy. I'm that mistress, please. Mom, click and in the bottom part. And in Monday, we used to cane boys like you. Oh, I need to be kidding.

Mom, in the back it says, in the bottom it says leave. Keep going, Pam. Hit leave. Mom, hit leave in the bottom. Jesse, take her out. Thank you, Mom. Okay, do you, Mom.

Okay, cheerio. Bye, bye, Pam. Bye. Bye. I think that's excellent. What do you think? Me too. No, I like it a lot.

And so what are you going to do? Do you want to email that to your mom? Well, can you like... We'll send it to you as... We'll send it to you as its own little voice note. Yep, we'll send it to you. And then I can... Yeah, because she might not know how to like open that on email.

So I might have to like literally have my sister show it to her on her phone. And I think per Jake's earlier ask, can we have... We would love for this to be filmed or recorded. reported her reaction at least for us. Oh, yeah, absolutely. This is great. First of all, Gareth, great producing. Pammy killed it.

She's great. Great. Rachel, I feel like we got a real winning thing here. What do you think? I do, too. This is great. This is perfect. So please follow up with us.

Please. Yes. Of course. Always. There we go. I'm sorry for grossing you out of mine. All right, Rachel, thanks a bunch. He did ingress now.

This is very funny, and I think you guys will make a lovely couple one day. Nope. Rachel, what's your price? We're on the same page. Get up, Rachel. Jesse, kick her out now, for the love of God. He loves her. Thank you for getting it.

Bye, Rachel. We're in love. It's unconventional. I'm going to find out where you are in New Hampshire. She's so cute. She loves it. Her accent is really, really cute. I agree.

Could you imagine us making a little garret because he's talking too much? Appreciate it, everybody. Thanks a bunch. That'll be the end of this one. Rachel, you're going to have to leave or Jesse. We're going to have to, thanks a bunch. Talk to you later. God bless.

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I'm good. How are you? Ooh, I remember this accent. I do, too. Do you go to international school? I didn't go to international school, but you did ask if I did. Okay, it sounds like you did to me. Are you, do you live next to construction workers who take shits?

Maybe. Now, or Tuganina, remind us of your problem, what we said, what you did, and where we're at. Okay, so my problem was that the apartment that's just been built across the street from my apartment block in Cape Town has floor-to-ceiling windows in every bathroom. And I've seen people going to the loo. And since then, basically what you guys suggested is that I go for a viewing, like I set up a viewing, or I make a sign. I put a sign on my balcony that says I can see you dumping or I can see you taking a dumb. Both good ideas. Yeah, no, great ideas.

So what actually ended up happening is that I contacted the agent and she said that all the units have been sold and will be either Airbnb's or the owners will move in. So I wasn't able to set up a viewing with her. But the day after our call, my housemate and I were in the street just analyzing the apartment because you can just see in from every angle. We were just looking. And one of the builders asked if we wanted to come in. So we had a viewing with him. And I sent a video.

Great. It's a bit long and badly edited. So is our show. So are our pitches. So is my life. It's everything. Okay. I'm going to skip like the first 30 seconds because it's kind of long.

But that's fine. All right. So this is the elevator. Oh. Okay. Beautiful. Beautiful. Absolutely.

Yeah, it's really high up. I understand all the glosses. Holy cow. That's the bathroom. So we're taking a tour. You're laughing. Yeah. The bathroom is frosted from the inside, so you would never guess.

Exactly. Oh, my God. Oh, that's shocking. I would think that was good. Oh, look at you. What a video. But it's frosted. So, Nina, yeah.

Even though it's frosted, where you're from, we can see and clearer than it looks from the inside. So, yes, for that bathroom, but this one is the one that has only the bottom half. Oh, yeah, okay. Here you go. Okay. The bottom pain on this one. Yeah. This is a great video you did.

You killed it, Nina. Thank you so much. Nina put her hand on the other side to show. No, that's my housemate Daisy. But you could see everything. She could take a picture of us right down. Wow. Incredible.

It really is crazy to move into a place where people can just see you go to the bathroom. But that's not what you're thinking when you're thinking about the views and the floor. No, you're like, oh, that's nice. The last thing you're thinking about is there's some girl watching me go to the bathroom. So here's where Nina tries to have a conversation with the builder. Great. Translation, shut up, guys. Who's places that is know that the frosting, like, can still, people can still see things.

Do they know that? I can see everything. Yes, I can see everything. Even with the frosting and then I can see people's faces when they stand out. It doesn't do anything. You guys can stand and they'll take a picture and come and show you or something. Like, I'm seriously sad. Do you think they're going to change it was like, stop it?

Is that just what I'm thinking? So this is the beauty of Newcastle? Yes, this is the main one. This yard, it's like... I was going to see the shower. Like I knew there was a shower here yet, because I could see the shower ahead. For easy. I think they're gonna put up some kind of...

Yeah, it's like... Because you can see like what, I mean, obviously it's still blurred, but you can like see someone pulling up their pants. Yeah, and like sitting on the toilet, like changing their clothes. The other day and I could see the whole thing. The fuck, blah. The security. He's good now

This is excellent So many Okay First of all I love that we're a show That does face Pixillations On his camera videos

I also feel like We're all of a sudden Investigative journalists This is Dateline Well I was thinking It's Dateline too man Nina Great work on bringing it up

And also Nina 10 out of 10 And also The shower We didn't even Think of the You can fully see These people

fully see these people. I will tell you this, Gareth, and I know you agree. I wish we were there, Nina, so we could pretend to be like, you know how local news goes up with cameras and just bombards people? Yes. I wish we could go to the builders and go, do you realize people can watch you take dumps in a building you've put together? I agree.

I wish we could be mobile. I think we need to be, we're here to help news, too. We need a chopper, period. I'm willing to waste the money. I'll pay everything. I'll do everything I'll do anything for it I'll go to Riyadh

I don't care you're gonna pay you would have gone to Riyadh I don't think you got invited that's that that it's not too late to book me

give me so Nina yes what the fuck do we do now yeah they know I know

I know I don't know what we do okay so I think So you have done everything in your power. You are killing it. Now we put a sign out that says, welcome to the neighborhood.

I can see you dump in. You know, I also, if I may, it might be a good idea. The next time you see someone dropping a deuce in there or in there, get a picture of it and put that on the sign too. No, Gareth, you go to jail for that, brother. No, well, no, you're not going to see. Garrett. No, no, no.

You see the frosted half. Garrett, no. We're not posting photos of people going to the bed. I can't believe you're jumping ship now. How about this? We're cooking, baby. I know, we're close. Nina, how about something like this?

If you can read this, I can see you dump in. I'm pretty sure that was exactly what you suggested last time. But I do think that maybe it's still a possibility. Well, I think what we have to do. So you went to the builders, which was A, they're not changing anything. And those guys, the workers were right. No, they're done. They're like, look, they're not spending more money.

The units have been sold. Okay. Why not just take a picture of it with no one in there so that we can see what's going on? Or Daisy goes back up there somehow. You get a picture of her miming it. And why don't we put on the sign, what of you, comma, to watch you, poo. That's not a bad idea.

Ooh, I've got an idea with that so it makes it anonymous. What if we do it a little serial killerie? And here's what I mean by that. Rather than hanging it from your house, what if you make anonymous flyers that say, what of you, I can see you poo, and put it in everybody's mailbox? So if I'm going to an Airbnb and I walk inside and under the door there's a sheet of paper that says with what looks like cut out lettering from, you know, with no handwriting, it says, what of you, comma, I can see you poo. I go, huh? Then when I go to the bathroom and I go like, what have you?

Wait a second. Then I'm calling and complaining. So the people's mail boxes of the units inside that block, you mean? Everybody in that unit? Not in the area. How about this, Nina? If you could see them, poo, they get the card. Not everybody, right?

That'd be crazy, right? That's just going to be like a job with the amount of turnover. If you just have a large laminated sign, hang it outside of your place. Who cares? Own it. I mean, this is your problem. I think if I...

How about this? A big sign out your door that says, how's the dump? Yep. Because that could just be randomness. If I were taking a dump and I looked out the window and I saw a sign where I go like,

oh, weird, I can see into that person's place. And the sign said, how's your dump? I'd be throwing slash shower We're we now have The shower is also a crazy I mean that is you're going to fully see Everything it looks like from the shower What if you do a fake specific

And you go Two dumps in a day You okay You know what you could do Okay Nina make five signs And you just rotate them And Nina

Pitch us the five sign ideas Go off the top of your head. Okay. I can see you taking a dump. Okay. Two. Um, if you can see this, I can see pooping. Three. Uh, I can see into a bathroom. Four. Uh, uh, this is so many, Jake. Four. Okay. Don't be afraid. Tap your Jack. Don't think. Don't be afraid to break up the shower. Okay. I can see you showering. Please don't give notes, Gareth. Five. You're absolutely right. Five.

Um, if you... Five. Oh, my God. Your bathroom has a whole window in its wall. Six. What? Keep going, Nina.

Keep going. I don't have it in me. Seven. Nothing else. They do. Oh, my God. One last one. In three, two, one.

What's the sign? I can see you on the toilet Perfect So of those Pick your favorite three You had a lot of winners Thank you Start rotating them

Okay And then Try to get back in the building And take photos to make sure You can read it from there And follow up again This is a saga that I know You know what else I would do

Yeah I would if I were you Think about booking one of them for a night maybe getting some pictures that are specific to this but then also you can then leave a review and your review should be I stayed here

and I realized you can see people on the toilet like something like that that calls it out. You could do that without staying there can you? Oh do you have to stay there to make the comment? I think they when they ask you to leave a review about the place. I don't think anyone can just comment. I respect. I hear you. Um, so, Nina, yeah, we've given you some great ideas. Mm-hmm. We are in your corner. You know what we know it, girl. You feel supported.

And you're like, I'm not alone in this really weird problem. I've got two friends. And that's a fact of life. Thank you. I feel that. Well, you should, because that's the truth. Now, tell us, what are you going to do? Okay. Well, okay. Um, basically, what I've been thinking is, maybe I just need to accept it. And now that I've put it out into the world and I've had this special thing and I've gotten to speak to you guys and other people know about it, but it's not something, like, I've done what I can that maybe I just enjoy the show in a very respectful way. I respect the hell out of that.

I thought it was going to be no. I respect the hell out of that. Thank you. Because what I was going to say is, have you ever seen Braveheart? No, it actually happens. But I've had a best age gap. Gareth was like, I was 30 when that came out. There's a great scene when old Mellie Gibson's,

I think he's being tortured to death, I don't remember. But he looks over and he sees the love of his life. And he yells, all he's got to do is submit and say, that's it. But he doesn't. That son of a bitch yells, freedom! And in this moment, if you want to be Mel Gibson and yell, freedom and let this go and just stare at people taking dumps, you can. You've done everything in your power to stop this.

So now if you want to just watch strange people dump and piss and shower, you can. Especially if it's an AVNV, I'm going to see so many different things. Like, there are going to be people coming in and out, you know. Nina, let me know one thing. Where do you live again? Cape Town. If we're ever there, can I stay at your place for a night and just watch the circus? That would mean a lot to me.

And if I... I'll bring food. If I ever go there, can I get the address of the place across the way? Because I would like to stay there and have people see what I'm up to. Nina, thank you for the call. Follow up with us. Oh, yeah. Just you've been watching the show.

I think let us know what it's like once you're watching the show. Of course. I don't think this is the end of this. I don't know. No, I don't think so either. You can't send any video or photos of people because that's... is illegal. Wow.

But you can describe it. What if I like, blur them out more? Yeah. No, I don't know. Yeah. I don't think, no. I don't want to be part of. I don't want to be part of it.

I don't want our show to go in that direction. Yeah, exactly. But film it and then we'll decide. But thank you. No, don't film it and send it to us and then we'll decide. That's not one we're going to say. I'll describe it. Yeah.

And if it's a big thing. To all the people who write into our show and there's a lot of people who email who will say, hey, thanks for the good laughs. It was 3 a.m. I was doing a feeding with my kid, I couldn't sleep. I don't want them to think about where the kind of guys go. Yeah, film someone taking a dump and send it to our personal emails. We just became Dateline.

We just became Dateline. We need, this is a journalistic endeavor now. This is no longer comedy. I don't want to watch people drop deuses. I'm like Nina. I hate it. It's not what I'm into. Well, you don't want to watch people, Gary.

You want people to watch you drop deuses. Yes. If I, that has got to be the most stand-up. thing you've ever desired. That's all I want. Check out the shoe. Watch a jacket crap. Hey, I will be in Tennessee.

Come check me out at Tickles. Well, I'll be dropping a tooth. I got to tell you, Tickles right on the money for fake comedy club name. I'll be at Tickles in Memphis. Nina, thank you for the call. Thank you for the call.

Thank you so much. My nomination for the best episode so far is the first call from episode 147, Cooking in Soup with Michael Sarah, the hot-up call. This one is quintessential, we're here to help, and exactly what a call should be. First of all, Michael was one of my favorite guests on the show. I feel like he totally got the premise. He was hilarious, also helpful. He gelled really well with you guys.

You all offered really solid solutions and really teased out all the different considerations at hand. Most importantly, the caller came with a clear, straightforward premise. That was an actual issue, interesting, realistic, and had no simple solution in sight. And those are the absolute best calls when you can hear the person's problem and you think, yeah, that's a real issue. And I honestly don't know what to do next. Okay, in addition to my nomination, I also have a bonus-related hot take to throw in since we're doing that now too. Some calls are fun but lack that extra oomph because they could be solved with some clear communication. But the caller, admittedly, just wants to, like, find a different approach, which is fine.

I'm still going to listen and enjoy the call. But what I'm most invested is when a call truly lacks a clear solution. And honestly, I think season two has been better about that as the show has grown and evolved, especially in episodes like cooking and soup. Thank you. We're here to help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question at Help. helpful pod at gmail.com.

And if you want to watch video episodes of we're here to help, you can go to our Patreon at patreon.com slash here to help pod to see our entire catalog. We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grimm Productions, executive producers Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter, and Natalie Hollis,

Associate producer Jesse Thurston, editing mix and master by Chris Fowler. Theme song by Oliver Raleigh. The cover artwork is by James Fostike, animations by Andrew Strelecky. And if you'd like to see Garrett through stand-up the road go to gareth reynolds.com. Remember all of the advice given on we're here to help is for entertainment purposes only and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.

All video episodes of season one are available now on Patreon and season two video episodes will be available every Monday starting January 20th. Go to patreon.com forward slash here to help pod. What's going on? It's Lamarne Morris. And Hannah Simone. And we host The Mess Around, A New Girl Rewatch podcast now on HeadGum. Now, here's the thing. Every single week, we chat about an episode of New Girl, and we really get into it. Like, we get up in there.

We get up in there. You know, we reminisce about our time is on set. We share behind the scenes tea. We react to rewatching episodes that we haven't seen in years. We talk about how Jake Johnson is dog. That's not true. We talk about so many memories we have

of working with the biggest stars on the planet. I'm talking Prince. Taylor Swift, Olivia Rodriguez. We're just two BFFs having a good old time, okay? Sometimes we even talk to other co-stars like Zoe Day Chanel, Jake Johnson, Max Greenfield, and Damon Wayne's Jr. And your dad. We talk to your dad on this show as well.

Make sure you subscribe to the mess around wherever you get your podcasts. New episodes drop every single Tuesday.