We're Here to Help - 227: Best Advice Vol 3: The Cranky Ronnies (with Steve Berg and Eric Edelstein)

Episode Date: November 5, 2025

Steve and Eric join the guys and hear from callers about their best advice. Featuring a cold case shocker, A-Rod sunglasses and an appearance by Jake and Eric's gossiping alter-egos Lindsay and Tracy.Want to call in? Email your question to [e-mail]: https://patreon.com/heretohelppodMERCH: heretohelppod.comINSTAGRAM: @HereToHelpPodIf you’re enjoying the show, make sure to rate We’re Here to Help 5-Stars on Apple Podcasts.Visit gemini.google/students to learn more and sign up. Terms apply.Advertise on We’re Here to Help via Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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And Rocket Money goes, put it in the capsule. We'll send it to the moon. I could go on and on, but this is just a short bump. So start saving today at RocketMoney.com slash help. And we are bad with a combo Wednesday of we're here to chat and a combo Wednesday of we're here to chat and a less ad episode sponsored exclusively by Rocket Money where we're going to take some calls and people are going to tell us the best advice they've gotten. and if they've taken any advice from the show and how it's gone, this is what I like to refer to as a fusion, boys. We got a little bit of currying.

We've got some Mexican. We're seeing how the taco tastes. Stop. Wow. I'll tell you why, Gareth, because I just talked to Steve for 35 minutes, just the two of us. I kid him. He was cooking with such crazy gas. Stop saying cooking.

What percentage of that conversation was food-based? 99. Wait, did you get to ring the book? bell hat, G.R? Yeah, ring the bell. And also, I want to point out something up there. Oh my God. Gareth, what are we looking at? Wow. Well, Jake, we're looking at a framed boner alert. We have from the calendar, Ali, the fantastic photographer, came to a show, Easy Steve, and Wichita, and brought me a one of the pictures from the calendar. I don't know if it's our favorite, but it's definitely top three, where Steve is in a tie-dye shirt that when you ask

if it's tie-dye, he's very sensitive about. And he's taking a soiled wet sponge from a car washing bucket and just kind of ringing it out over his face that's looking up into the sky. When you say soiled, it makes it sound like I dipped it into outhouse and it's like fecal matter. No, it's water. That's what we assume, buddy. Really quickly, and then I want to get into what Steve and I were talking about because I think you guys are going to love it. But Gareth just performed his big show, his special. How did it go? When can people watch it? Where can they watch it? I know nothing as far as where it'll be, when it'll be. It went great. It was a crazy evening in so many respects from doing the two shows of like this very

prepared thing to, you know, after the show's going out and still trying to thank people and, you know, be present there, to seeing the van, the rapt, we're here to help van from Paige and Connor. And then my, my, you know, my friends were helping me with it. My father and my, uh, my sister were there. My girlfriend was there. So it was just like, it was a really crazy evening. And what, and I hadn't really been drinking. I'd been eating really healthy. And then when it was over, I ate pizza and drink wine. And it was so, it was kind of this. It's the best part. It was kind of the, it kind of agree though. It was like the, it became cellular. It was like the ending of it was so great. And anyone who's done anything like that, you know,

to have a night that kind of culminates in these two things. Totally. And it go well. And then it'd be over. it was just the best. I heard from multiple people that have no connection to this friend group who said it was amazing. You know, this is what's crazy. Is that night,

I was like, boy, I really stuck the landing. And then the next day, I was like, I don't know how that went. I don't know what it is about it, but I'm like, I think maybe the fact

that it's over, overtook how I even remember it. Can I ask a question that's on all of our mind and all the listeners' minds? What did I have for breakfast? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. And not on all of our minds.

Did you, did you cry that night? No, I did not. I was not on everybody's mind. Yeah, you were, I really? No, no. You had to have cried a little bit with your friends, your family, your sister, your girlfriend. No. You're preached, everyone was there.

What kind of question is? Yeah, no, there was. You were in the motion. I would have cried. I would have cried. I was no, I will say, I was nowhere near charge. No, not really, but it's, wait, hold on. Do you cry after a big acting job?

No. You did the Olivia Wild movie, which was a big gig. Yeah. And she was a hot shot director. Yeah. And you do that great scene in the trolley. Are you going back to the hotel room and crying, Big Daddy? No, I'm eating enough Mexican food for 12 people.

That's what I'm doing. You didn't say a question we're all wondering, did you eat Mexican food for 12 people? You said, did you cry? Because then you said, I would have. And now you're pretending that you. No, I would have, I mean, like, to a live show with all the energy of all the people. Okay, so how about when you host these high strangeness events and you're going around to Tennessee and performing in front of 3,000 people and afterwards, I'm going, how to go, and you're saying, I crushed it, it felt really good. Are you back in the hotel room shedding a tear?

No, but I'm also a man. We're talking about Gareth here. Don't Jake you jiu-jitsu your way out of this one. Wow. How dare you? What a hell you. You fucking turns on purpose. Wasn't even an al-U.

Second. My God. And by the way, you guys are both overreacting, too. I'll be honest. That was not an al-a-up. That was like, he shot a two-pointer over a five-year-old. And you guys like, Michael Jordan. I just didn't see it coming.

I didn't see it. But he got scared. He got scared. So he punched his buddy in the mouth. Yeah. And that's okay. Really quickly. I would have.

Obviously, GR, we're all very excited and happy for you, brother. Thank you. You'd be working. so hard. It's crazy to watch. You just burp? Yeah. He's emotional. Okay. Yeah. That's how I show emotion. That's it. That's the most we're going to get out of our buddy. No, after I have a great gig, I really nail

a student New York, I fucking burp. I lied to Parliament a late, and I burp. I borrow a scooter. I go to a bodega. I just get to burp and that's how I release. I'm a lot like Robert Durst. So really quickly, and then we're going to take our first call. Steve just, we're working on Patreon.

He's going to do a Patreon-only show and we're going to build it up and see if eventually we start releasing it, Maine. It's pretty fucking special. Steve, give these dear people a taste of what you are cooking up. Imagine, if you will, Martha Stewart on three tabs of acid, and then she does her show. This is a show.

Take away the three tabs of acid. Okay, yeah. Why? Because it's not what it is. She's trying to be cool. I was trying to be cool. That was me being cool. It was, it didn't work.

He's still digging out of that cry hole. The crazy. That's why you said acid. Because you admitted you cry. You're going to cry after the pilot. Look, look, I'm a guy who's in touch with emotions. I am touched with the feminine side of me. But however, you touch the feminine side of you.

Easy. Easy. Oh, it got me. Got me. I mean, grab some low-hanging fruit and my juice. Thank you, Eric. It's a show kind of in the spirit of a couple of my heroes, and that's the barefoot contessa and the wonderful Martha Stewart.

But it's a show called Home Eck, where I am going to help people with entertaining. Or if your husband or wife just graduated from, you know, architecture school, I can help you prepare a nice evening, dinner, whatever. So people email in, they're hosting a thing, And Steve tells them how to do it, what they should eat, what they should decorate as. The music they should listen to. It doesn't sound like it's great.

I have two things. One, I have a pitch on the name. And the second is it doesn't sound like Martha Stewart on acid. It sounds like Martha Stewart with a lisp. That would be accurate. Eric would enjoy it. Don't try it. Maybe the acid gave her a list.

That's true. It was known to do that. Let's take LFD. I think you forget, Martha did fucking time. Martha was in the joint. That gives her an edge, and that's the edge, Steve Rolls. Martha did time, babe. When you're in the joint, you find one way out.

And that's Satan, Kat. So if anybody wants to be part of that show, email hi-h-i-dangeness 27 at Gmail. Your question should be about you are hosting a real event. If it's not real, we sniff it out, and then we just waste a little bit of time. But what we would love to do similar to our main show is we're going to follow up with you. We would like pictures of the event. We want to see how the Steve Berg planning goes. Yeah.

And if it's a success. And it could be a father and son hang. It could be like, it does not have to be a party. Gareth, your thoughts? No, it has to be a party. Come on. But there's perfect timing with the holidays coming up. Everyone stresses out.

What am I doing? Father's son, Hank. Hey, my dad and I are going to go have McDonald's. Can we use Steve? I think also, I think we should have Steve zoom into the event, and I think it should be called Home Ecker, like a home wrecker, but Home Ecker. Oh, Home Ecker. I like that, Gareth.

You're good. You are good. Well, I'll also say what excites me about this is there's people that host, and it feels stressful. You can feel the work they put in. When Steve Berg hosts, it is effortless, it is fun. it is a vibe you feel like he's having as much fun as everyone else because he is too much and he makes it feel effortless while he's cooking up a red sauce from scratch so i think to put that kind of feeling because i hate it when i go somewhere and i'm like everything's correct on paper but i can

tell the host is stressed and they're worried and running around and i take that on but with steve it is a party and he's just another guest while doing the work yeah yeah you you the whole idea of like cooking with love and entertaining with love is actually a real thing i believe Sweet Jesse, let's see what happens when we put a collar into this mix. Let's see what happens. All right, so these callers are coming in random, so I have no idea what this is going to be. I mean, yeah, yeah, yeah, of course. Okay.

Here we go, guys. Take over, bud, sure. Hello. Hello. Hi. Oh, my gosh. Hi. Well, I'm not going to lie.

If you're a little excited, you're going to get a lot excited because you're on our very special rocket money. have you what advice has helped you has it been from the show walk us through this memory but you don't only have jake and myself we are kind of combining you've got eric and steve also joining us so my gosh i'm giving you guys all a big group hug this is so exciting get it here we're getting it yeah yeah good hug All right, we'll take it away. So, yeah, go ahead.

Walk us through it. What's your name first? Yes, so my name is Dana. Hi, Dana. And I do have a little confession to make. I have called in previously under the guise of an alias. Oh, wow. Gaming the system.

Yes. What was your fake name before? I'll see if I remember. Is it allowed to be, like, bleeped out? because I don't want that. Oh, no, no, no, no, never mind. Yeah, you can keep it. This is very interesting.

Yeah, I love the start. So this is not advice that I got from the show, but this is advice that I got a couple years ago. So also now in the moment, I'm wondering if this, I, like, love this story, but it might be a little bit too dark for now that I'm like here in the moment. Let's see what happens. I like it dark. All right. So my husband and I got married in 2019. So we're doing all of the wedding planning in 2018.

So we find the venue, and the woman that owned the venue had given us a list of, like, her top recommended vendors, DJ, caterers, all this stuff. So our biggest concern was the DJ because when do you have all of your people under one roof to party? So she was like, you've got to get this guy, he's the best, she gave us references, everybody said the same thing. He was like a local sensation. So, call him, meet with him, give him a $2,000 deposit. My check clears. This is the first week of June in 2018. So then I never hear from him again.

So now cut to, we are at a meeting with the woman that owns the venue. We're just finalizing all the details. And she says to us, you know, I highly recommend investing in wedding insurance. which I had never heard of before, and I thought it was kind of a scam, but I was like, you know, we're already in debt over this. Why not? So we get the wedding insurance. And what it was supposed to be for was like, if somebody gets a little too drunk

and they break a glass or something, the cost is covered. Yeah. So we get the wedding insurance. All four of us. Fair. Fair. Now cut back. We are like several months.

It's like, you know, at the end of the summer, of that year. And I still have not heard from this guy. No emails. He's not responding to any calls, text, nothing. I'm complaining to my, my husband, my mom. I'm like, this is terrible customer service. I mean, I understand it's the DJ. Like, what do you need? My, whatever. So my mom calls me. It's now, like, around Thanksgiving. So now several months have gone by. This guy has just been crickets. He calls me, and she's like, you have to turn on the news. your DJ was arrested. So we turned on the news.

He had been arrested the week after my check cleared, but they had just like, we're getting into the trial now, for a 26-year cold case. Oh, my God. Wow. Are you shabby? By the way,

I am not getting him. I cannot wait for the advice portion of this setup. Yeah. Oh, wow. Oh, my God. Google? So, yes. So he had, I don't know if this needs to get beat, I don't want you to get canceled, but he had, I just committed a homicide in 1992.

And in the same town, stayed there. He had this very lucrative career, spoken very highly of it. He stayed, like, hidden in plain sight. And so anyway, so we found out about five months before the wedding that he was no longer. going to be able to attend um and like why the kicker yes he was a little busy um but the kicker is that my husband is also a state trooper and we had like a dozen troopers that are so we were like he would have been up there just sweating but anyway wow wow that's a movie day yeah a great story really wild agreed with eric it's a movie feels like donnie broskow type vibes

Well, they made a cold case episode about it. Oh, shit. What is the, let's tie this back to our show here. Yes. What the hell is the advice you got? My advice for somewhere in the fine lines of this wedding insurance was that if your friend breaks the glass or if your DJ commits a murder in the 1900s, it's all covered. So we got our money back. No way.

We got a new DJ. And so now everybody, all of my friends that have gotten married since then, I tell everybody, I'm like, yo, get people of the insurance. That's actually great. That is incredible. Let's go ahead and put the crown on Dana for this format. That's interesting. Fantastic advice. But a great story, great landing.

Hey, Sammy Davis, Jr., what do you think of this? I think it's great. I think that DJ got caught up with Satan, babe. And the lesson you're getting hitched, especially with a safe trooper, before you hire a DJ, check his crawl space, babe. You don't know what's up there. Hey, David Lynch, what do you think about this? Well, the thing is, I just kind of love that darkness,

and he probably would have played a lot of Morrissey and dissonant tones. That's just a fantastic thing. Get that insurance. I always do in my rent-a-car. I once had blood of a dead bat all over a centra. And, boy, do they charge you for that, Bucco. Last but not least, Bill Walton, what do you think of Dana's story? Why? Why? Why do you have a cold case? Why do you kill a DJ?

This is awful. No, horrible. When John Wooden Craft did the pyramid of success, we knew you don't hire a killer. How did the state trooper hire a killer? Dana, thank you so much for the call. We appreciate it. We love you, Dana. Everybody gets that wedding and stuff. Thank you, guys. Get it for a rental car. Get it for your wedding. I love you guys. You're the best. Love you, Dana.

This is awesome. Amazing. That's incredible. Jesse, bringing another one right away. Wow. We're cooking. We're cooking, y'all. That was wild.

Thank you to rocket money. Wow. Cut that out. He's trying to get paid on the side. He's trying to get paid on the side. I am here to dance. Are you kidding? I go orthotics in and I'm ready to sell out for the man in a second.

Hello, caller. Are you there? I am. Hi. Hi. can we get your name please my name's lindsay hi lindsay uh well listen if i were going to be a female that was going to be my name per my

mom okay dokey can we cut that out natalie i love rocket money i love rocket money and i love that which i jake is a female if i was a lady i would be lindsay i love rocking money lindsie takeover i was going to be tracy so many different ways to spell this too so so linds i can never find me on the internet

L-I-N-D-S-A-Y. S-E-Y. Oh, what's up, different, Lindsay? Jake's really played out this lengthy life in his head. Like, he knew the spelling of stuff. Yeah. She's part of Jake that's been living is Lindsay for years. Exactly.

Yeah, much, much happier. What I just realized, Eric, our lunch is we're not Jake and Eric, we're Lindsay and Tracy. That is, when you guys start talking shit, Lindsay and Tracy. Oh, yeah, that's already been called the head to the inside. That's who it is. Hey, Tracy, can you believe this? So good. Those big guys really gossip?

All right, Lindsay, you know the format of this one, right? Obviously, you got Eric and Steve here, too. This is the advice one. So what advice did you got? Is there a story with it? Takeover, lady. Yeah. So did you guys want me to go with how you had done it where there was a problem-ish type of thing?

Sure. You guys are pitching or are you guys doing it where I'm like I'm purple. Well, Lindsay, we're making it up as we go, so you just take the lead and we'll see what happens. Oh, okay. Yeah, sounds good. Okay, so this is advice from like a little while ago, you know, before like social media and stuff. So I'm not sure that my parents didn't like call up to like a underground. We're here to help dial tone podcast.

But anyway, so we were at an activity and we had rode our bikes there. We were like having fun and then we were leaving and we all got on our bikes when we were driving or ride in down the road. and we could a couple of us couldn't stop and we were like what's going on we're like at an intersection luckily it was kind of like a rural town so there wasn't a ton of cars but the cars stopped and slowed down and we were just like zoom in through the intersection and we got to a point where we could blow down and we realized that our brakes had been um like taken apart like on our bikes there's like this little clip or whatever on our bikes You have been close to a DJ?

What? Nothing. Was it 1992? Was this 92 and was there a DJ in the neighbor? No, go ahead, Lindsay. That's a call. Did you know this is how we do it at a loud volume? Did you?

2000, 2,000-ish year. So, you know, everyone was freaked out. They just realized that they survived. So now they're just getting all crazy. Anyway, so we figured out that the bike brakes had been messed with. And we got to my parents' house. And we told my mom this and we're like, I think our bikes got missed with. And they're like looking at our bikes.

And we realized that there was probably some kids that were hanging out by our bikes that had messed with our bikes. And so my mom was coming up with the solution and advice to kind of either teach them a lesson or kind of, you know, kind of get back or let the kids know that that wasn't a super awesome prank. So that was the beginning of the story. Okay. And then what was the advice you got? Yeah. What was the revenge of the advice? Did you kids own a loan shark any money at the time?

No, I'd say we were pretty, we were pretty, to our own, like, not really getting into trouble or anything. So a bunch of kids fucked with your breaks. You guys could have gotten real danger. What happened? Yeah. So my mom came up with this kind of like, teach them a lesson kind of. advice kind of thing so we all went to we all had like the bus stop and then we wrote the bus together to the school and so she's like well what if one of you guys or a couple of you guys

don't go to the bus shop like you got killed yeah yeah this is what i was just like yeah she was like well what did you just say that you were hurt on the farm all the cows are dead yeah i did go up on the farm so that's probably where she got that from hell yeah you killed everybody you killed us all good job so she was like not even starting with that it was like just say that you got her and that you know like they're gonna feel terrible it was because of the bikes that was like the two things right so she's like well how about i take you to school so take me to school i sit in the gym locker room because i had gym first class and so no one would see me like i wouldn't talk to anybody and then i could like jump out you know and be like actually hey i'm still

I'm not hurt. I know, right? So, yeah, so I went to school. I was sitting in the locker room, had my gym class, and I, like, come out of gym, and this girl, like, runs up to me. She's like, oh, my gosh, Lindsay, like, I literally thought you were dead. Like, and she was, like, crying and she was freaking out. And the teacher in my next class was like, oh, I didn't expect this, you know, like,

what's going on? And another girl was like, we heard that you were in the ICU and they thought you were going to die and and I think they I think like the kids of the bus stop got so kind of like into the story and skips kind of the part about the bikes being like mess with but you know it was like seventh graders so I mean what can you expect but that was the advice I think I learned more from so Lindsay take it down as if it was a line of merch what is the advice um A line of merch. So I'm not understanding what the advice was.

So what is the, what was the advice? My mom's advice was the same thing, like be the prank or do the prank. Tell them that you were hurt, kind of get back at the kids. And Lindsey, all these years later, what did you learn from it? And what's your advice takeaway from it? My advice is don't tell people that you're dead when you're not. See, that's merch. That's merch.

said that is that's merch It's going to sell the hat right now and you're going to get nothing Lindsay's going to sell Lindsay's hat and don't skip over the break bit so a takeaway from this one is

look don't tell people you're dead when you're not and if you do don't skip over the details of why you're dead yeah it's also interesting because it's a smaller audience that could relate to this one but those you can can really By the way, if you're trying to pull off a break, make sure you get all the facts that you're trying to do.

I think that's great advice. Yeah, that I get right over. I like the whole, to me, I think it went pretty well. I don't know how much I would change, honestly. You know, you guys, I just think the card audience of the, of the break ended up being me instead of the kids that mess with the bike. Yeah, that's true. But I think the idea of that the takeaway advice. that I see is if you're going to do

an elaborate prank, make sure you get all the details right. Yep. Correct. And maybe not rely on seventh grade or so much. Yeah. Lindsay, we appreciate the call. Great story. Thank you for calling. You're midway through the show and you haven't listened.

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You're just like, Jake, stop telling me what to do. You're not my boss. And I'm not. I'm your friend. I'm trying to save you money. What, that makes me a bad guy? That I want to save you a little bit of money? I don't think so.

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You've got Gareth. You've got Steve. Jake and Eric sometimes go by Lindsay and Tracy. What is your name, please? We finally found it, Jake. I agree, Trace. Yes. This is an enormous honor.

You're here and you're weird. Welcome. Oh, shit. She said this. Hi, hi, hi. This is exciting. I'm very excited. My name is Michaela, and I am from Winnipeg, Manitoba. Cool. I love Winnipeg. I've been there. It was awesome.

There we go. Nice. Glad to hear it. Glad to hear it. Part of me wants to hear what Sammy Davis Jr. would do there, but part of me doesn't. Yeah. Winnipeg was great, babe. Go Jets. Okay, Michaela. Yeah, go Jets, go. What is the advice you were given or the advice you have taken or a story? story about great advice that she can present us with. Okay, so this wasn't advice I was directly given, but I was in a situation a couple

months ago, and I had to think, what would Jake and Gareth do? Because I thought that was the only way to make this happen. So I was driving home from work. Erica, Judge. Yeah. I can always see it on the Patreon. I think you're going to use it. Okay, please.

Michaela, take over. Okay, okay. So I was driving home from work. On my way home from work, there's a grocery store that I stopped by if we need anything for dinner. Yummy. And I was in there. Stop being Steve, Steve. And, yeah, cheese was on sale.

I mean, sorry, Michaela. Steve heard grocery store and said, yummy. It hasn't talked in a while. Yeah. He heard grocery store. Like, they play for all. All of it exists. It's not a dish.

His mind just went to his favorite grocery, and I'm here for it. That's my great plan. Michaela, back to you before we go off the rails. So cheese was on sale, specifically like a one block of cheddar cheese. You didn't ingest your card. Relax. I can't go. I'm sorry.

We know you like cheese. I had cheese. Duda or a greer? Oh, God. It was a sharp cheddar. Oh, the only kind. Are you in Wisconsin right now? You're in Manitoba.

Never mind. I forgot. I'm in Manitoba. No, no. I'm in Winnipeg. Okay. So, yes. Cheese.

Yeah, close enough. Was on sale. I had to get it. We did not need it, but I just, I needed it a little snack. And the one block, one pound block of cheese was on sale. So I got it with our other groceries. And the grocery store to my house, is about a 30 minute drive, so I got kind of snacky.

Next thing I know, I'm turning on to my street, and I ate half of the block of cheese, like half a pound of cheese in my drive. And I knew my husband would question me on this, and I just, like, could not admit that I ate it myself. I love this. And I had about two minutes, and I had just finished one of the podcast episodes, so I was like, okay, what would Jake, if I called in right now, what would Jake and hear tell me to do? What was the episode, do you remember, if you don't did so?

Okay. I don't remember. I listen to all of them when they come out. So they must, one of the, they're all great. Sorry, I don't remember. You were right in the headspace and you said, I ate half a fucking pounded cheese. I'm going to get a question, what's a good line of bullshit that I could get out of this? Yes.

And I thought of something really smart. And I'm going to tell you guys, and I'm hoping to use this lie. It's a white lie until the day I die. Before you start, because I've loved this call, you're a home run. Gareth, what would you pitch to her? I would pitch. Well, she sort of set us up for the pitch a little bit, and I like it. I would pitch that you saw someone in need on the way home, and you thought, you know what,

I just impulse bought all this cheese. I'm going to cut them off a hunk, and they were really happy, and I think it made their day. Steve, what would you pitch? I'd eat. I'd say, aren't you? glad that I didn't eat all of it? Well, I mean, the obvious pitch to me is just to never mention anything about the cheese and then keep that for your personal stash.

Hey, hon, I'm not feeling too hot tonight, so I'm just going to go watch some reruns of lost, and then you can crush the rest of that cheese. However, you're going to get the cranky Ronnie if he's that much cheese. So just know that going in. Eric, your pitch. Yeah, I think you hide the rest of the cheese. You don't ever let them see that cheese. You can stay in your car for a while.

I would sit in the car, eat all the cheese, and I would sit in the car, eat all the cheese. I would die with that wrapper. I might even eat the wrapper. You can re-wrap it in another bag. Go in, start making grilled cheese. He doesn't know how much cheese you bought. Yeah. If he does, he's psycho.

Just a little bit of cheese was eaten in the car. No one needs to know. It's a free country. When I go to Jersey mics, of course I get the giant sandwich, but I don't want anyone to know that. So I eat half the sandwich in my car. Then I come home, I was like, oh, yeah, I'm just having a hafer. Steve lives alone.

McKaylor? We found out he's been lying about the wife. Anyway, go ahead, Michaela. What did you do? Okay, so, Garrett, you were spot on. That's exactly what I did. I made up a fake homeless man, but with a dog. Oh, wow.

I told my husband, and I knew he would question me on it because he's a sweetheart. And every day when I get home from work, he takes my bag and unpax it for me and everything. So I knew he'd keep the block, like, he'd see the block of cheese, and I couldn't hide it anywhere. So I made up a fake homeless man with a dog And I've used it about three different times With different snacks

The second time it was a bag of chips And I told my husband The homeless man was there again And he asked for more cheese for his dog But I told him no no I can't keep getting you cheese Cheese is expensive So he asked for some chips for his dog So that's why I got the bag of chips

Did it with a veggie tray I did it with a fruit tray The following week And now it's to the point That my husband will say can you pick up, I don't know, goat cheese on the way home from work and I'll say, okay, sounds good.

And in my head, I'm planning what kind of snack I could bring that the dog could also enjoy the fake dog. But now he's told me to stop going to that grocery store because he doesn't want me to keep buying snacks for this dog. This is so great, Michaela. You're one of us. You're home. Yes.

This is a Hall of Fame level for this format. We all understand it. both the eating of the food and the scrambling to cover it up and the elaborate lie afterwards. Then it gets deeper and you got to keep talking about this dog. And then the dog's almost like it's real. This is my whole life. I am so many backstories for leftovers.

Oh my God. Good Lord. It's great to go with philanthropy. That is a great move to play in that direction. Now, I will say, Michaela, I will say, if I may pitch on your great setup, I think what you should do next time you go to the store, actually buy something, and when you see someone in need, I would, and I think Eric will sign off on this, make a karma play and throw that on the individual so that now there's a little bit...

Throw that on the individual. Throw it at them. Also, Jake and I were left out of this karma play. Well, Jake, Jake, I'm comfortable with Steve. Let's be honest. You buy the thing to give to someone else. What's going to happen? You're going to eat that.

All of a sudden, you know what I mean? True. Accurate. So I would just... So I would gift someone in need something as well because then your lie is even tethered a little bit more to reality. I would, my pitch to you, Michaela, is do this for another year and then let's pitch a really fun way where you can reveal to your husband

that there is no dog. I've got it. I've got it. On the show. On the show. Well, does your husband listen? Like, is he going to hear this? No, and that's why I emailed because he listens to advice podcast, but like the lame kind when people have I mean I wouldn't say serious problems because

some of these problems you guys solve are pretty serious but he he listens to the more boring kind of of a health podcast I know he would never listen let's do this maca making a birdhouse and I need help but the what kind of why would let's do this micha let's let's do a long play with you will you follow up with us and we are going to plan something as a way to bring him onto this pod and reveal it to him? Would that be fun for him or no? I would love that. I would think this is so fun. He would probably start by rolling his eyes and then play along with it and think it's hilarious. And I think if I, my plan is to keep this going as long as I can. I've gotten some of my friends on this lie tube just because

it's, it's been so full proof so far. It'd be hilarious to reveal this to him in this sort of way, because you guys are the exact reason of, like, how my mind came to think of this life. Let's do this then. We're going to be around for a while, hopefully. So let's plan on reviewing it to them in a year or so. I agree. But before that year is up, I want to volunteer. If you need someone to play this unhoused individual, I'll come up to Winnipeg. It's a non-union. I need a whole bunch of cheese. Non-union. You came me off the charts. It's come having had. No, I love Winnipeg. I'd love to go back. Last time I was there during a polar vortex i'd like to go during the summer so if until that year is up if you need someone to

play this guy i have a shock in my range we're not flying you out there i mean eric there's a pretty good here to help budget we'll see i'm gonna talk to natalie i'm talking to natalie the checks go through me king hey i have one quick question before we let you go uh you ate half a pound of chief now that is don't ask about the dirty ronies or whatever you said before it's cranky yeah that was a scientific But, like, I mean, like, I dream of being able to hold down a half, half a pan of cheese. Okay. What a lot of? Oh, we appreciate the cup.

I dream. I reject you separately. You leave her a lot. You are super human. What is your stomach? How would you hold down the cheese? Yeah. I mean, like, were you feeling like, man, I can actually dust the whole thing, like, after

I have a pan of cheese. And you were doing this. You were a lot on with no cracker. I'm like, God. Yeah. Yeah, I opened the package of cheese with my car keys because I didn't have scissors. We would be best friends. I think so.

I think so. But I honestly, I think the fact that I was driving and not paying attention to how much I was eating. Been there. Made me not totally shit myself later. Yeah. Well, I want to know what kind of cheese was it. Because you guys have a lot of cheddar. It was a sharp cheddar.

Thanks a lot. We're moving. If these guys email you, please ignore them. Thanks a lot. All right, next call, next call. Thank you. Hi, homie. Sweet God, dusting it.

Do we have one more call left, sweet Jesse? We got one if you want it. Oh, yeah, we do. All right, here we go. Eric, Eric running point. Hello there, caller. Hey, how are you? Good.

How are you? I'm doing well, doing well. Well, you're going to be doing better. Can we get your name, please? My name is Ryan. Hi, Ryan. Hi, Ryan. You can hear you've got the support.

loving Steve Berg, Eric Edelstein, and Jake Johnson here. What's going on? What can we help you with, Ryan? Or what was advice you were given and what can we react to? I got all four of you guys. This is great. I think you all appreciate this. I'll be honest.

It's probably going to go off the rails, but go ahead. I feel like they kind of stayed on the rails a little bit. A little bit. You remember the last call, right? But just at the end. Yeah, I agree. But that's where the rails start. That's fun.

I think what you, what we've done is manage the derailment maybe well. Right, guys. Take over. So the best advice I had ever received is from my wife. And the advice was to embrace the weirdness. And the hell of the guys. Hell yeah. The context behind that is that I have a good friend and former coworker who I kind of lost touch with over the years.

Um, but when I first met this person, uh, they would ride their bike into work every day. And they'd have like the whole bike attire, like the short, tight shorts and the tight shirt. Got to have it. Uh, he had, he had like the Alex Rodriguez sunglasses. Do you guys remember those? Yes, we do. Oh, yeah. I love this guy already.

Oh, I love it. What a great reference. So he, uh, he would come into work. And this is like a. face-to-face sales job and he would change out of his top and put on like a button up and a tie but he would leave on his shorts and his sunglasses and he would help out customers throughout the day in this attire crazy and we had like regular customers and they wouldn't even blink an eye they would be like this is this guy we've worked with him before like this is

totally normal and I was like totally thrown off at one point for like four months this guy was on a banana eating diet like only bananas okay so they're with hard-boiled eggs

he's all he eats easy cheese man so he so it was just like smoothies like whole bananas for the point where he had a banana guy. And this reminded me of Jake a little bit with the, uh, the tennis ball shooter thing. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So we had, uh, a wholesale grocery customer who would come

into the office and he, and he would deliver groceries to different supermarkets. And you know how like bananas are too ripe? You can't, you can't give them to the supermarkets. So this guy would bring them to our office. He'd do like a side deal with, with my coworker. And, you know, Men, we just have boxes and boxes of bananas in our back office. Black market bananas. I love this, man. Amazing. And so what, so you were getting weirded out.

You're saying to your wife, I don't know if I can take it another second. There's bananas everywhere. He's wearing Alex Rodriguez's glasses. He's got a little tight booty shorts. And she said, hey, is he good at his job? He was amazing at his job. Amazing. Like, he was definitely the top salesman there.

And, guys, he was shredded. He was shredded. He was shredded. He'll be gone in five years. But what a body. What a body. What a basket. So, Ryan, this is a great image visually.

I see this guy. I love this guy. The final takeaway from this one, the advice you got was just when in Crazy Town embrace it. Is that right? that's right and i'll tell you what like this guy became one of my closest friends up there he he got me on to a slow-pitched softball team which was a group of all like basically 70-year-old doctors who have been playing slow-pitched softball for like 45 years you're too jaunders i actually i agree with this advice 100% ryan because when you embrace that character

they open you up to a whole new world and you go like oh this world was right next to me but it is so fun and I never would have seen it that's 100% right we we would have like dinners on the company's dime like every month and he would go all out like we're going to get steak we're going to have lobsters like this was after the banana diet but he would also bring these like captain's sailors hats and he's like we're going to wear these We're going to have this speech. Okay. I think you're going to get four keys turned on the advice of,

if you're going to get wild, a captain's hat is only going to help. It's a key party, babe, and we're all invited. If this show were the voice, we would all turn our chairs. Yeah. We're all hitting the action. Whatever button they're all doing now. Well, I always say I get paid now and pay my rent through what I got made fun of as a kid for.

Like, once you lean into your weird, it's only good. No, like, but my, did you, as a result of like kind of embracing this weird kind of like add some eccentricities to your own life? Oh, absolutely. So I have a six-year-old daughter and, you know, prior to meeting this guy and like, you know, growing up and kind of caring less and less about what people think naturally. we just like do whatever if there's like music playing at their grocery store we're like skipping through the aisles spinning around like

just putting on a whole show and and I would not have that confidence if like these other people in my life didn't have that same confidence. Ryan we love it you we love it we appreciate the call brother Garrett you got something I just have one question Ryan it's a yes or no before we let you go So could you eat a half pound of cheese in one sitting? I wouldn't be able to ship for like six months. I would definitely not be able to do that. Cranky Ronnie's.

The cranky Ronnie's. Thank you, Ryan. Thanks, Ryan. You're a rock star. Stay weird, brother. Bye, guys. You too. Bye.

Okay. Here we go. You want to start a Jake. Yeah. Hello. Hello. How you doing? I'm on mute.

Well, you're off mute. How are you doing? Doing pretty well. How are you guys? Good. We're excited. You're on the show. You got the team from Weird here to help, and we're here to help.

You got Steve, Eric, Gareth. You got Jake. You got, actually, Jesse, you got Natalie. You got the full house. Tracy, Lindsay. Tracy, Lindsay, which is me and Eric, if we were ladies. Wow. What is your name?

What is your issue? What was the advice? Just take over for a little bit. All right. Well, my name is Deney. The issue, okay, so the issue was that my friend will call her Jake. She was not super stoked on her husband smoking cigarettes. Understandable, but he had a habit.

Yeah, so he had a habit of like if somebody was going out for a smoke break, like while everybody was out, he might, you know, nag a fig or two. Of course. Or a bum one or have a drag. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. Exactly.

And, um, some of us are a little sensitive to smells and like, you know, that shit follows you. So, um, basically the issue was she wanted to get him to kind of, um, just chill out a little bit on bumming figs from strangers and friends. And so what she did was, or what they decided mutually as a healthy relationship pair, was, and we'll call the guy Garris for clarity's sake, they made a compromise that whenever he's, or whenever they're out and he wants to bum a fig, he has to give her all the cash in his wallet. I love this. Isn't that amazing? That's so good.

So you're a little, too. That's great. But everything in your wallet is mine. So I, as a supportive friend and smoker, have started, like, when we're all out, and I'm going out for a smoke break. I'll just kind of pull her aside and be like, hey, does Gareth have cash on him in significant sums that you might be interested in coughing? And that will determine. whether or not I offer him one. And are you getting a cut of that cash?

Yeah, I was going to say. You should get at least 20%. Oh, you know what? That's actually a really good idea. Towards your sigs. Yeah, take a Vig. Take a Vig. I'm also big time in favor of those Sigs.

Sigs over vapes. Sigs are analog. Sammy. Sammy. I'm going to go on another direction. Deney, I love this. It was really fun. Can I ask you a couple questions?

Absolutely Where do you live? What area? Denver Oh, mile high city Stop Okay, okay You got a grocery store out there?

We do have a grocery store out there Oh sorry, did you ask how old I was? Yeah, I missed that How old are you? Oh, sorry, I'm 28 28, hey, Deney Yes I need you to stop smoking cigarettes

I know I know, I know, I know where you're at as a total fake out. I have a five-year plan. And let me tell you about it. Stop it. That's insane. Well, I think they're better than vapes.

People are sneer to vapes. I think the vapes are worse. I'm not saying they're... Stop smoking. Yeah. It's poison. Eric, I know. The worst people in the world are got you addicted to this.

They are killing you so that you go to a hospital and they get more money from you. Can I tell you? Another thing, Dan. So cool when I... But Deney? I bet you do. But Deney do. You look so cool.

But Deney, you stink. You stink. Yeah, you stink to I have it. I know. You want you, but you don't even know. You're walking back in there in your lungs. And everybody's like, Deney stinks. No, no, nicotine on its faith is not really bad.

This isn't about defending your habit, Stephen. Well, I'm just saying. Eric is now going to admit he's ripped a couple of cigarettes recently. That's where this is going. Try a fit. Or something like that, a nicotine substance. Isn't it going there, Tracy? There is something called nip-knacks.

There is a medicinal quality to nicotine. I would even say maybe not Zinn. It was recommended by a healer. I'm a parody of myself. I'm going to stop talking. Well, I'll try it. I wish this was true. I have a kitten, and my kitten has started, like, sniffing when I...

Yeah, they don't like it. Open the window to have a fig. So for her, I have... Oh, you're doing it inside, too. You're a real smoker. No, no, no, it's out the window. I'm leaning out the window. Hold on the guy.

Guys, your cat's still getting second hand smoked. I need a moment of quiet. You don't want to hurt your cat. Eric, please, I need a moment of quiet. Danay. Pot, kettle. You called in the show. You don't know why you called in the show.

This is the beginning of you quitted cigarette. We're going to follow up with you. Okay. I want you to call in every three months. If in a year from now, you don't stop smoking, what's the punishment? The other punishment is if he asked for one, he empties his pocket. We did a bet with Steve years ago that ended in a photo shoot where we created the Steve Berg-Hunk calendar. Oh, and I can't wait to see it.

It's fucking hot as hell. It's talking about smoking. Well, first of all, if you quit smoking today, I will send you the first copy. It'll be signed for free. A whole merch packet. Wow. We will send you a whole merch packet and on it at every page of the calendar, he'll sign something that's a motivational speech of don't smoke this month too.

If you want something hot and burning, look at this pick. If you want to imagine something on fire in your mouth, look at this pick. You want to burn up your body, baby? Look at this one. But, Danae, we don't give that to you if you're smoking. And we need hand to God, real truth. and I don't want to hear this bullshit. I tried.

It was so hard, and then I had three Zimas. It's very hard. Every one of us used to smoke, and we all loved it. I smoked a bag of day. Oh, yeah. But we quit. Can I tell you an amazing story when I first met Jake Johnson? He was smoking, and he decided he wasn't going to smoke anymore.

So his method was, and it's to the root of who he is, and I will always love this. He had an unopened pack of American spirits in his glove box that he stared at every day in his Hyundai. and he didn't touch him. And he's like, this is how I'm not going to smoke. That cigarette pack is right there. I can't. And I'm not going to touch it. And he never smoked again.

That's so, Jake. I did the same thing with booze. I got all my favorite booze at home. I stared at it. I did the same thing with weed. I had a little one hitter. I put it in my little shed. I knew it was there.

Coffee got you. One sip a day. Thanks, Gareth. I did so much today. I think you got to have something. But Deney. No, keep with the coffee. You're okay.

Deney. are you doing this or not doing it if you're not doing it fuck off thanks for the call move on we'll never talk to you again but if you are you want to be a part of this community you want to call back you want the fucking hunk poster handwritten by the hunk himself you got to be more to god you don't smoke another cigarette

someone gave me great advice when I was quitting smoking and they said start that goes without saying he gave himself the advice start moving back your when you start smoking Like, say, like, all right, next week, I'm not going to have my first cigarette until 2 p.m. We're not doing this in a nine month period. And it won't be nine months, but eventually, look. Do you want to know how you stop smoking cigarettes?

Without any of this bullshit of, in 37 days, stop smoking cigarettes. No one's putting a cigarette in your mouth and light in it. No, but it gives me a tough take. I'm not God's toughest soldier. Yes, you are God's toughest soldier. You just believe bullshit. When that cigarette goes in your mouth, spit it out. Thank you.

21 days to break it. You got it, Deney. Whatever helps most. This is really four unreliable narrators. But whatever helps us, Jake's method or Steve's method, take that, integrate it. We know that you're going to quit. Listen to your cat. I don't want her to integrate it with Steve.

I don't want her to go, I'm going to start smoking at 10 a.m., then 11 a.m. Then 12 p.m. It's weaning off, which might help. Until all or nothing. Somebody putting an unopened pack in their car is crazy town. That works for you because you're crazy. You're insane. Steve's way might work.

Whatever way works, we're going to get her to quit smoking. How old reduction management? How would you get her to quit? I would do a nicotine lozange. I would start with that and then also be very aware. Here's a good question. Jake, last time you had a cigarette? Over a decade ago.

Stephen? Half a year ago. I probably had one, a little bit of one. Interesting. Eric? Oh, maybe about eight months ago And I had it And my wife's like

You're gonna feel sick And I feel sick And I just Huffin felt completely sick They're not good anymore I stunk, I didn't Yeah, once you get to that point That's the really great thing You don't enjoy it anymore

Hey Gareth, how about you? Yeah, probably about six years And how did you quit? You know, the last time I was bumming I was this guy I was the guy emptying my wallet I was a real piece of shit but then it would make me buy more cigarettes

because then I'd be like, oh, I socially smoked. So I kept falling off. And then I basically did three weeks without it. And I swore I was not going to do it. I cleaned up everything, diet. I started working out. It fed into it. And at the end of three weeks,

I said I'm just not ever going to even have a puff again. So six years later, about a decade for me, six months for Steve, eight months for Eric. Deney, how are you going to quit smoking? Okay, I will meet you guys in the middle. I will take you up on you being my accountabilla buddies over the next year. Yeah, you do. Big time.

You'll be my accountability. Yes, but I cannot quit today because I'm not equipped to have a tummy ache today. That's okay. I will say there's never going to be a good time to quit ever. You'll say, oh, the holidays are coming up. I'll start in January. I would actually start tomorrow. But so, Deney, how are you going to do it?

Because I'll tell you what I'm not going to do. I'm nearly 70 years old. I've been on this rock for a long time, Honey Bunny. This ain't my first merry-go-round. I can't deal with in four months. We're having the same talk. I won't do it. Can't do it.

Dress good, play good. Play good, pay good. You understand? Why don't? So, Dene, if you're real, let's do it. If you're not, let's not. Sorry, Natalie tells us to wrap it up. All right, Dunae.

You let us know, okay? You got this. All right. I'll start coming back. You might get the cranky, Ronnie's, but it's okay. Yeah. Let me into it. Thanks for the call.

Thank you. Bye. We're here to help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question at helpful pod at gmail.com and if you want to watch video episodes

of we're here to help you can go to our Patreon at patreon.com slash here to help pod to see our entire catalog. We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grimm Productions executive producers

Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter and Natalie Hollis, Associate producer Jesse Thurston editing mix and master by Chris Fowler. Theme song by Oliver Raleigh the cover artwork is by James Fostike

animations by Andrew Stralecki and if you'd like to see Garrett do stand up on the road, go to garethrenolds.com. Remember all of the advice given on we're here to help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions. I've given you two chances. This great episode is now over, and now you've got no excuse. Many times Rocket Money has saved me money. Rocket Money is pointed out a Packers radio station I got from a playoff game a decade ago, workout apps that, let's be honest, I stopped using. but Rocket Money helps you find these things and then helps you get rid of them.

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