We're Here to Help - 228: Perverts! & Chickens Are Dumber Than Dirt (With Lennon Parham)

Episode Date: November 10, 2025

It's Minx week! Jake and Gareth are joined by Guest Helper Lennon Parham to celebrate Minx coming to Netflix. First, they help a caller replace a cherished family heirloom. Then, they find new friends for a lonely pig.See images from the episode here: http://www.heretohelppod.com/post/episode-228Want to call in? Email your question to [e-mail]: https://patreon.com/heretohelppodMERCH: heretohelppod.comINSTAGRAM: @HereToHelpPodIf you’re enjoying the show, make sure to rate We’re Here to Help 5-Stars on Apple Podcasts.Visit gemini.google/students to learn more and sign up. Terms apply.Advertise on We’re Here to Help via Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a headgum podcast. Admin, admin. So your name on Zoom is admin. I did not know that. And you do the weird thing with your Zoom where you block the background. I don't want you to see the specifics of my son's bedroom. Respect. Just like an admin.

Yep. Keep it profesh, healthy bounds. Well, first of all, Lenin, thank you for doing our show. Thank you for asking me. Lennon, do you and Gareth know each other? We should, but we don't. We do now. And Lennon, we knew each other before Minks, but we got close on Minks.

Oh, I like that. Did we know each other well before, in your opinion? Because I remember Minks was when I was like, oh, I'm hanging out with the Big Cat a lot here. Yeah. I like this lady. I like you, too. I think the most we had ever hung out was when you put me in your. your first directing on New Girl when you...

Oh, right. That is what it was. And you and Bill Burr were a couple. That is where I was trying to play. I was like, I know we didn't just start that close on, Minks. No. And what did you think of that episode? When you go back to New Girl, you guys played, let's just get into it.

Start the fucking intro. Start the show. We've been going for two hours and I haven't been sleeping a lot. Oh, no. Really? Yeah. Gareth just did his special. He drove 18 hours yesterday.

Oh, Jesus. I thought maybe you were getting a divorce. Because of the double beds. No, Garrett. Oh, the double beds. Oh, yeah. In the hotel. No, this is my home.

This is my wife and I are going through some shit. I love Lucy style. Yes, exactly. Yeah, yep. Clear boundaries. We had a sleep divorce. That's a real thing. It is.

For real. You probably did an episode about it. It's where you can no longer sleep in the same bed together, but you still love each other. Well, then don't put the word divorce. Okay. Isn't that what it means? Yeah, that is what it means.

Yeah. It's a sleep divorce. Because they each need a different. Yeah, snoring, things get worse. Yeah. Respect. Space. Well, Lenin, what the hell's going on with you?

You... I haven't seen you a lot since we, out. We had our hang. We did. We had so many, like, weird, low-chair polyester-suited hangs where we're waiting for the turd-around or whatever. And it was just you and me in the in the ante room of the Getty Villa. Just chatting about poison ivy or. Oh, yeah. I had it all over my private parts. What? Yeah. I got poison all over my privates and my legs. I take my dog down by the Arroyo letting her go off leash and she went on there.

Then I grabbed the leash and then went to the bathroom, I'm sure. Okay. So there we go. Connected. Had to wear the tightest pants. Yeah. And furs and gold chains and jewels. What do you make of it? Minksey coming to Netflix in November? I'm so excited because I feel like no disrespect against stars, but no one that I know watched that second season.

I'm going to put it like this, Lenin. I never saw the second season. Well, I did. I got a $2.99 for three months. Great. Subscription to stars. Wow. I couldn't get myself to get stars with a Z.

Yeah. I felt like season one had great momentum. Yeah. I think Ellen was such a good showrunner. So sharp. So many great directors. Rachel was such a killer. We had such a fun cast.

Great writing. Bass Morgan with those wardrobes was so special. She's the best. She's the best of the biz. Yeah. The wigs. The wigs were great. The amount of nudity, your thoughts?

Yeah. I always said that, so, you know, the pilot episode had that big dick montage. Yeah. A big montage. With penises, not the big dick, with a ton of dicks. If you haven't seen it, Gareth, there's some tiny little dicks in that montage. It's good, though. You've got to include them all.

I think that's fair. Agreed. And I was like, I wish that I had seen that montage as like a tween. How come? I think it just would have taken the pressure off, you know? No, explain. I don't want tweens watching that. Really?

Yeah. You have tweens. I'm not going to show it. to my tween. But you wanted, you just said really like it was shocking, you know, other people's tweens. Maybe when she's like 15. That's not a twin. It just, that's a teen.

13 is a teen. Yeah. Teenage is 13, not 12. Teen, tween is a funnier word. Let's be honest. That's true. So I said tween. Just kill me now.

I, I just think it was very. educational. I think it would have taken a lot of the heat off of like the fear of the penis. You know what I mean? Explain that. No, I don't as a guy. So explain what that means the fear of the penis. Well, when we grew up, basically we were taught as young women that we had to keep it tight, keep it right, like not engaged, not involved, not lure any sexual attention, lest we be attacked with a giant penis. And I, I just think if that's, if I knew that's what was coming for me, I would have been a lot less worried.

Yeah. I get that. I guess seeing myself naked growing up, I knew there wasn't much to be afraid of. Yeah, you knew, you got, you ladies are fine. Yeah. You knew you posed no threat. Nah. I pose no threat.

I pose no threat. Yeah. Anyway, that's my two cents. That makes sense to me. Just because what I remember about that montage is I do remember a couple. It just seemed to be pubs. Full bush. Yeah.

And there wasn't much. Chea pet. If the bush is the buns of the hot dog, I didn't see the meat. Oh. So kind of buried. It was Dr. Ken in The Hangover, if you remember. Oh, I remember. Never forget.

When Dr. Ken came out and I thought, I got a lot of respect for that. guy doing this because it just looks like a bush to me was that do you think that was prosthetic a prosthetic no but I will say Eric Edelstein who is a big member of our show now yeah in this community was on and we're going to talk to him about it too here but he I got him a part on this show as the DJ he and Sam Levine and Eric yeah he's in both seasons that's right yeah but just killed it like his performance is the DJ and Sam the best though and those two together was great. But what we didn't know when we were talking about this part for him was there's an episode he's in where his wife is giving him a hand job and uses tobacco sauce

on it. Hallipinos, right? Halapinos. Yeah, jalapinos to burn his dick because she's mad at him. And what we didn't know was in the state of direction, it wrote like his tiny dick. Yeah. So he actually had a prosthetic. But they did such a good job. that it looked real, so Eric was going me furious, saying, what do I do? I was like, well, you're an actor. What do you mean what I do? He goes, it looks like it's mine. What a great part.

And I was like, Eric, I swear to God, I didn't know this. And he was like, there are we watches this. You gave a technique. Oh, man. And the truth is I totally related to him because you're like, right, I wouldn't want to be an thing where it's like, his character takes his pants off, he's got a tiny little, and you're like, what are you going to say in press? Just so everyone knows that's not my, my dick is bigger than that? Yeah. You can't do that.

That's an insane thing to stand press. They'll cut it out. You got to at least say it. So you just got to go like, what do you love about this season? Like the writing's so good, my dick is bigger than what it was represented in episode 10. For instance, the small penis scene was such a great scene. The way they made my penis so small, it was just great because it's not bad. Well, you could also say, you know, what's so funny is because they used real jalapinos,

they couldn't use my real huge penis. So they had to do a tiny one. Let's show this. Your Eric, do impress. Let's see if you can naturally get it in. Okay. Hey, everybody, I'm Eric. We're here with that.

So, Eric, tell us a little bit about minks this year. This season's been so fun. The adventures of Joyce have been great. Tell us a little bit about what you're excited about. Oh, my God. These characters, right? All these incredible actors. Yes, such a great cast.

You know, I'm thrilled to be here. It's an honor when Jake called me on the telltale. I said, yes, and. Yeah. Right? Because that's how we started in improv. But Jake didn't call you. You probably had to take a meeting with Ellen.

She didn't got the job. I did put myself on tape. That's true. Yeah, you got the job. Yeah. But keep going. Anyway, yeah. And then they also, they took my character in a really fun direction.

Yeah, he's so great. What did you like about playing him? You know, what I loved was, you know, how Rudy is. And how just, he just says whatever he was. Is it fun saying those rude comments? It sure is, because that's not at all how I am. Just like how my penis is a lot bigger. than it is because that was a prosthetic

because they had to put halapeno on a so they had to fit me it was a two-hour fitting with Carly and Sue I was butt-naked in the small part of the trailer and they had to really tape down that was the hardest because my penis goes all the way up to the top of my butt crack

when you fold it over and so it was really hard taking the tape off afterwards but anyway yeah so my penis is huge Thank you so much, Eric. Just picturing that in that little like cross-shooting setup. In this hotel room, it looks a lot like where you are right now. Yeah, exactly, yeah.

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directed by Mike P. Nelson. Grab freaky goods cider from Angry Orchard at Angry Orchard.com slash Halloween, and while you're there, watch the new Jason vignette, Sweet Revenge, and shop the collab merch. Hello. Hi. How are you? Good. How are you doing?

Good. Welcome to the show. Can we get your name, please? Yeah, I'm going to go with Kylie. Kylie, great fake name. Kylie, where do you live or not live? It doesn't matter. I live in the Phoenix Metro. All right, Kylie, listen, where's you going to jump in?

You got Jake, you have me. But we also have a great guest helper. We have Lenin Parm joining us today. Hey. We also should point out, Minks is coming to Netflix. So that's part of the celebration here. We already said that in the intro, yeah? If you want to handle the intros going forward, Jake, just do it.

I'm just trying to hook you up here, my guy. We don't know if a... Kylie, what can we do for you? I love minks. Yay! Kylie, take it away. Before Natalie tells us to have you take it away. When I got married five years ago, my aunt passed down a family heirloom to me.

It was a blue handkerchief with white lace that kind of every bride wears in our family. for like the Something Blue and Borrowed tradition. But shortly after my wedding, I kind of went through a messy divorce and somehow in all of that, in a move, I lost it. And now my cousin is engaged. And I realized that recently my family's probably expecting for me to hand it over to her. And I really don't want to tell my family that I lost it. So what do I do when my family asks me for it and what can I do?

or what can I do before they ask? First of all, Kylie, excellent setup. Yep, clean. I think she, you read that off the page, right? You had written that down because that was too good. I did, yeah. Oh, is that why? Good call, Lennon.

But that's okay, because it was, that was a master class. Chef's Kiss. This is a really, really tricky one. And so how long were you married and what? What do we call in this axiores? Oh, gosh. I was only married a year, and we'll call him Richard. Richard, the dick.

Because he was kind of a dick. Yeah, okay. So married for a year to Richard, realized you married the dick. Let's get him out of here. But you had a handkerchief that was passed down. And in that chaos of that year, Kylie, you don't even know what happened. Mm-hmm. Yeah, exactly.

life comes back into focus and it's gone and there's no way that it's like in your underwear drawer like rolled up in a ball or something no i've looked everywhere i i do not have it is richard connected to anybody in the family no everybody hates him yes yeah definitely do you have a photo of this handkerchief um so it's actually like typically worn underneath the dress so none of my family members or I have like a photo of it and I didn't need to take a photo of it okay this is right but I did send an image in that was similar fine no we don't need to this is perfect Kylie did you ever watch television shows in the 80s and early 90s um a few so in almost once a month or so there was an episode about something that happened like the

pet lizard disappeared or the turtle disappeared the replacement And they just brought in a different one. And nobody knew anything else. We're talking about a handkerchief that goes underdresses. It gets passed right now from one to another. But nobody's studying the thing. Let's call this the fake lizard. Let's get you a handkerchief we beat up.

And you never telling you, you just go, here it is. Yeah, I definitely thought of that. I think the only kind of issue I have with that one is because if I give it to my cousin and my aunt notices it's different, I'm kind of screwed. No, you're not. Here's why. They bring it up to you, go, this is the one I was given. It's the game of telephone.

Oh, that's a good way. That's not true. And then they go to the person who passed to you and they go, it wasn't that. And you go, this is what I was given. What did I call in a podcast and come up with that idea? I do the fake lizard? That's insane. Yeah, I mean, and then also my mom and my other aunt have had the same handkerchief.

But it's been a long time, so that could definitely work. 50 years ago. 50 is a lot of a jump, no, that's fair. For what, for her grandmother to be weird? Oh, that's right. I thought he's a mom, yeah. Her mom and her aunt. Yeah, my grandma had it.

And then my great grandma. Wow. It's old. Can you look on, there is actually a thing called. called Replacements.com, which has like China. So like if you're missing a piece of China, you might be able to look on there for like a pattern or you could go on eBay. They have a lot of old vintage stuff you can find.

But what do you think, Kylie, about this idea of the replacement? Because there's all their pitches. Yeah. I think that it's a solid one for sure. and it's definitely something I've thought about. I guess I would be just a little anxious if they comment on it. I guess I could be like, yeah, well, this is the one I was given me. I got an idea.

I got an idea. Look, it could see him out of the field. What if you send an email to everybody in the family? FYI, I'm totally safe. Nothing to be worried about. My house was robbed yesterday. You what? My house was robbed.

What the fuck? And they go, what I am? And you go, I'm totally fine. They just took my jewelry, my underpants, my socks, and the handkerchief. It's a weird list. It's a weird. You included underpants because of what Lenin said, but it's, yes. Because all they're going to say is, thank God you're okay.

How close are we with this cousin? You're just moving right on from that guy? Yeah. Yeah. I expected a different reaction. We were going to pitch on it, but keep going about the cousin. The underwear really tossed me. Toss salad.

Now we're talking. Thank you, Lennon. Very good. Just saying what you're thinking, yeah? Yeah, just stream of consciousness. Toss salad. Catchphrase. Catch phrase.

Oh, baby, I hear the blues are calling it. Oh, my God. Toss salad. It's crampled, dude. This song has a whole new meaning, Frazier. How dare you? It makes Frazier make a lot more sense. Yeah, it really does.

That'll co-coked up Kelsey Grammar. Of course he's toss. Hey, I don't mind if I do. Okay. Something about cousins, Gareth. How close are we with the cousin? Oh, I'd say like, we talk maybe once, twice a year, so. Not close.

Um... Mm-hmm. What's the fear that, like, who are you most worried about that will get upset with you or get upset? Like, are you disappointment? Like, who are, what's the fear? Yeah, I guess, probably I'm worried about my aunt the most since she's the one who gave it to me because she was the one who got married last before I did. Mm-hmm. And what's like the worst that could happen, though?

Like, you say, you know, I went through this shitty divorce, I wasn't tracking the specifics of that stuff because obviously I was in it and I needed to get out. And I'm realizing as I'm coming up on, is it her daughter that's getting married? No, no, different. Okay. That's good. Yeah. I'm really like as I'm coming up on my cousin's wedding that I don't have it anymore and I feel so terrible. How should I proceed. What do you think I should do? Should I go get a new one? No, Lenin, I don't think we go this front. I'm going to tell you why. I'm going to tell you why. And this is because you're a visitor. The truth is not good. Yeah, okay. Yeah, I hear you. We've been doing this for now

230 episodes. Yeah. If she wanted to do that, she wouldn't have called. Okay. If your thought is walking a straight line, you're not calling us. She's thinking, how do I get out of this? in the weirdest way possible that just might work. I'm just noticing that she was so worried about it, that she did not even give her real name. And so there is a real undercurrent of fear here in the family of disappointment. Maybe you know what you should do?

I'll take a page out of the podcast. Talk to us. Say last weekend randomly you got invited to Madonna's house. Okay? And while you're there, she took the handkerchief, which you carry on, because you love it so much. You carry it in your fanny pack, okay? No, what I'm talking. There's a good thing.

And she went through your fanny pack because they search and sees everybody that comes through Madonna's house. It's Madonna. It's got to keep her safe. Got to keep Lordess safe, right? Yeah. So in it, they find this handkerchief, and Madonna is so creatively inspired by it that she says, I need to keep this. Can I keep this? I want to design my next tour after this floral pattern.

So Lenin, just to talk this one out, which is an interesting pitch. Yeah. Well, what happens when the next tour has nothing to do with this weird old handkerchief? Well, she's retired. She's not touring anymore. Yeah, that's a future. She just stole it. Yeah.

Then the next question comes, how'd you get invited to Madonna's house? You can't go. What I, I, whatever, what's your job, Kylie? Um, I basically help other people find jobs. Oh. Like a recruiter. Yeah. So Madonna's nephew son called you and you got him a kick-ass job at Apple.

Okay. and Madonna wanted to thank you and invited you to her. Hey, Lenin, I'm going to take the reins from you and hand him to Garrett for a little company. This is me taking the utensils out. I'm going to let you cook, sir. I'm taking a fake penis.

And lemonade. I do think I think we need to lie. I think we have to lie, Lenin. I like, sorry, I think, I like, I like Lenin's idea that maybe you look for a replacement something that you can give to your cousin and I don't think we lie about it

not being the original you can try to keep it like that but I like the idea of maybe engaging the aunt but maybe we engage her with bullshit and what if you said look you know I went through this fucking divorce it was horrible

I for the past year in preparation for this wedding have had to contact my ex who I despise eyes. And he is being a real piece of shit about this handkerchief. He has it. He won't give it to me. It's been very difficult for me. I'm unable to secure it. I feel terrible. I was going through so much with this relationship that it was lower on the tier of worries I had. As this date is approaching, I feel guilt. Will you help me pick a replacement? And can we kind of do this together and

something like that so then maybe you're like helping her kind of feel like can we start a new tradition yes i really want your what about this kiley in that zone what if you said to your cousin i think my ex was such a dick that he jinxed it so i want to start something new i do like that he put his stank on it yeah he i don't want to It was a wonderful tradition, so we're taking the best of it from Nana and Mama. But our generation, P-P-P-Paw, our generation, a.k.a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-crayer, Daphne, Richard put his fucking stink on it, and guess what? And I think he's, and I think he stole it.

So I got one, and I don't want the answer. everyone to know because you know those old bitches they'll go crazy but this is for us and you want to know what it is it's the handkerchief of 2025 this is the next generation you want me to go directly to my cousin you don't tell the older ladies i have a bitch i have okay if it's anything to do with madonna say shut up shut up okay i want you to go buy an embroidery kit i want you to cut a piece of fabric the same size as the handkerchief. And I want you to embroider or sew or whatever you want iron on all over it so much so that it's unrecognizable. And you can write her initials on it. You could write the date of her wedding, anything to make it personalized.

And then you can say to her that you did your own spin on it. It's the same handkerchief, but she won't know that. It's not the same handkerchief because you've covered it in embroidery and personalization for her. But imagine her telling her grandma that. Who? Yeah.

It's a new one going. Her aunt. Yeah, Kylie did like a bunch of weird stuff. She did a bunch of work. She did a bunch of work on it. Why did she ruin it? Well, but they wouldn't say that to Kylie's face. And Kylie could dance the night away.

to Bruno Mars. It's over. Kylie, this is Natalie. Do you have any weird friends you can blame this on and just say, my friend is really weird

and she's really into witch stuff and she wanted to break this curse that Richard the dick left on my marriage. And without me knowing, she went and did a spell and she burned that handkerchief and I'm really sorry, but it's not my fault.

And by the way, Natalie, I actually love that. And then you go, And so we got this one, which is similar, but can we keep this between our generation? Because the witch also said this has great energy. And that one carried all the negative energy of the past. Do you think the aunt is going to want to be a part of any of this stuff

where she will find out about this, Kylie? She'll definitely know. Like, she'll definitely, she'll probably reach out to me and kind of have that conversation of me passing it to my. cousin. See, that's why I would say get ahead of it and engage her like this problem emerged, but I like Natalie's pitch

of that happen. I mean... It's kind of than losing it. If someone does something, it's not your fault. And I think if you go to her and you're like, this is a problem. And I feel like you, I want you to help

me pick out the new one or design the new one or find the new one or something like that. If she's going to find out anyway, you may as well just, you know, it's like you had this terrible situation. Why not use it as a little bit of an excuse to your benefit in this time? But you could do, I think you could do the Natalie version where you do. You say like a friend of yours thought it had bad juju or, I mean, again, you could be like, um, so Kylie, we've been talking about a replacement.

We're talking about the ex-husband has it. We're talking briefly, and then it got pushed over that your house was burglarized. And not in a bad way, Jake. We all... We talked briefly about Madonna wanted it for her next tour, but then she retired. We talked briefly about a witch burned it.

Sometimes it's funny to hear the list of pictures back. And what Lenin said at the beginning, which was very dopey of her, is why not just be honest? So as you could see, Lenin, the reason not to be honest is because of all these great ideas. Right. So, Kylie, with all these really smart ideas presented to you, the witch, Madonna, the burglar, the replacement, what do you think you're going to do? I honestly think that I really like the idea of kind of going to go. to my aunt and maybe maybe making up kind of a little bit of a lie of being like hey you know I got robbed really hold on stop let's do it Lennon will you be the aunt yeah what Kylie what's your

give Lennon she's truly one of the greatest actors I've worked with I'm not making a joke thank you you know I love you monster talent funniest can be and a wonderful hang this has been a wonderful Kylie, can you give her a little bit of direction she can sink those big cat teeth into? Because you got to sometimes give an artist, you've got to give them some colors. Who is this character she's going to be playing? Oh, gosh. A little bit, how do I describe my aunt? A country little rock and roll.

I see. Not at all, no. Like kind of the opposite. Super warm. Very, a little bit high-strung, a little bit. Wheelhouse. Yeah. But I love her to pieces.

No, no. Denver? She lives in another state. Southern, Northern, Midwest. Yeah, Midwestern. Where are we talking? What region? California.

Oh. California. Okay. So a little high-strung, California, tries to keep it all together. Uh, she, she called, you call her on the phone, Kylie. We go to that phone call in three. two pigly and nope

hello Kylie hi auntie oh my god why do I know this pleasure I love you I'm so excited I know it's been a second

just just wanted to call you because I realized you know I woke up in you know the dead of night realizing that I probably have to pass this handkerchief that you gave me

five years ago this tradition and my marriage is going great. How's yours? Just kidding. And I just wanted to call you because I wanted to let you know that. My house was robbed and I can't find the handkerchief anywhere. They took the handkerchief? They took the handkerchief and my underwear and it was awful. But Oh, my God. They were perverts.

These are a bunch of perverts. I hope you reported it. Send me the police report. No way would you say that. I will. Oh, my gosh. That is so traumatic. I think you've got to get out of that apartment building.

Yeah, yeah. I was hoping that maybe we can get together in the next few months and, you know, maybe pick out a new, you know, tradition moving forward. I would love that. Is there something blue and borrowed? You know, I'm really, really sorry. You know, I'm just glad you're okay. And if you want to come for a weekend, we could just make a doily weekend of it.

Just make a bunch of doilies, you and me. And then we'll diet, Lou, and Shannon won't know the difference because she's not that smart anyway, right? Right. Okay. Well, thank you, and then what you could say, Kylie, is maybe we can keep. keep this between us oh yeah oh hey i'm not kidding around kiley you did a great job great job i think that's exactly by the way especially especially going rogue with the robbery pitch i did not think that was going to be the one but yeah yeah you couldn't bring yourself

yeah but the way you responded i think is exactly how the aunt would respond lenn and what do you think you know her and then she may call your mom and be like what happened tell me the deeds if she did, Kylie. How would you react to that with mom? You know, they're actually not in... No, they're not close. They're not in the best place together, so I don't think that would be a possibility, but we can do it.

All right. If you want... One, three, two, Pigley, and your mom's calling. Bring. Bring. Kylie. Kylie. What is she? What is she doing? She's always...

Bring. She's always... Oh, hey. What's going on? um oh i'm sorry i'm confused am i my aunt or am i myself no you're yourself you're yourself oh okay yeah we're not cutting out of this is happening hey you're you're uh hey my sister my sister called me you know that that must have taken a lot for her she said you'd been robbed yeah i i was robbed um like about a week ago what happened you why didn't you call me and tell me I've just been, it's just been crazy.

But anyway, they took a bunch of stuff. They took my underwear and, and they took my, and they took my, yeah, yeah. Oh, my God, perverts. They just completely ransacked my dresser and they also stole a great grandma's handkerchief. Oh, not, notabella. That's from the old country. Yeah, it's. They were looking for antiques.

I've heard about these gangs that are Roman. the streets of Phoenix. Where Arizona and it is you have to were you leaving your door unlocked

you got to get out of that apartment building yeah I thought I thought we were in a gated neighborhood so I thought it'd be okay but you know it was a bad move are you okay

were you there did you come home were you at work you work from home what's happening where were you were you at the mall I was just we were just

out like on a date you know um where'd you go oh that's nice where do you take you and we just yeah we left the house unlocked when we were out and then we came back like an hour later this is going to work are you really going to do this um yes you swear to god i am i promise i promise Will you record your side of the call, not theirs? Just so we can put at the end of this call, Usain and the other. So all we don't even need to hear her, I don't want to get in trouble with hearing her without her consent.

And if you say it's being recorded, it'll be wrong. But just to hear you go, yeah. I think you're lucky that Lenin is helping us on this one too, because that, you're probably not going to have to deal. with that level of intensity, but it's good to have the ankle weight practice out of the way. Yeah. Kyle, I think it's going to work. You're taking a big chance here, but if you do it, man, good luck.

This will get you out of it. Good luck. And congrats on being engaged. Yes. Thank you. And guess what? You're going to need it back soon. Exactly.

Thank you for the call. Please follow up with us with what happens. All right. Thank you, Kylie. All right. Thank you. Bye. Bye.

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That's Uncommodedgoods.com slash here to help for 15% off. Uncommon Goods. We're all out of the ordinary. We got another one we could do? Yeah, we've got another one. You ready? Ready. That was great.

Lennon, you want to start us? Oh, okay. However you want, just let him know you're here. Hello? Hi. Hey, can you hear me? Yes, we can hear you. Hi, my name is Len, Len, Lennon, Marum.

My name is Len, Monica. Monica, nice to meet you. I'm here with Jake and Gareth, and we're so excited to talk to you. Monica, your real name? Don't ask her that. It is my real name. It is. Yeah, it is my real name.

Cool. Yeah, I don't have much to hide. Cool. Monica, how could we help you? Well, let's hear a little bit more about Monica. No. Right to the question. Well, you know, you can help me for a lot of reasons today, but the main reason that I,

the reason that I need help today is not the reason that I'm calling. The reason that I mean help is not. Well, quickly then, what do you need help with in real life then? Oh, well, so I live in Charlotte, but I'm, calling from Connecticut, and I'm here for a wedding. Okay. And my parents have just decided to show up at the place that I was at lunch at with my husband without telling me.

Okay. And it's just like, it's like an episode of Seinfeld at all times. What do that mean? They're following you around? You don't want them around? Yeah, they just like, there's just like no boundaries. Hmm. Huh.

Was there a reason that was something going down? with your husband at the restaurant that you like didn't was like interrupt? Do you guys not get a lot of time together or like it was your weekend away? It's just their lack of boundaries and like pork. There's there's a lot of other like external factors

like my brother lives far away. I live far away. They want to spend time with us which is great. They just they just lack like general just boundaries overall. I guess is the best way to describe it. And this has been a lifelong thing. Oh, for sure.

Have you ever said to them that you want it to be different? Blennon. Oh, yeah. Do you remember the last call? I'm just curious. I'm honestly asking. You guys, she's calling about a pig. Can we go to that?

Can we call it? Can we get to the pig? Okay. What? Okay. Natalie. So my real problem. My real problem is.

My real problem. My real problem is calling about a pig. She's calling about a pig. it's true talk to us about the pig this is so her name's Frankie and about five months ago now

I convinced my neighbor to adopt a pig from animal care and control in Charlotte and she keeps escaping and she's causing a lot of ruckus in the neighborhood and she's going into other people's yards

and like rooting and messing with their dogs and eating their plants. And it's gotten to the point where, like, he can't fortify his backyard anymore, and she keeps getting out. And she has a Reddit page now

because she keeps getting out so often. Is that true? So people are so mad that there's a wild pig running around Charlotte. I mean, I don't think they're mad. I think that it's not like a small pig. We got to know. She's like 300 pounds.

You have a picture? Yeah. Picture. Yeah. She's big. She's like a hog. Yeah, that's a 300-pounder, yeah. So, yeah, I didn't realize how big the pig was when I told him about it, but, like, he full-sent it and adopted this pig.

So Frankie just pushes past that goddamn fence and just walks around and eats people's garbage and fucks with their homes. God bless them. And you feel, you feel a sense of guilt because you push. the pig you're the pig pusher and now you got an out of control pig and it's kind of your fault a little bit it's totally my so now what are we going to do so what is the is there any more set up monica um other than that she just keeps getting out and the neighbors are upset and they're upset with my neighbor yeah not me and i keep having to like deflect and stick up for him so So I've been trying to politely.

Yeah. What's that? Is your neighbor? Yeah. He's a little annoyed. Yeah. And what's your neighbor? Is your neighbor your age?

Can we get a picture of who we're talking about here? No. We'll call him Brian. I don't, he's a little older. He's in his 50s. He's in recovery. Recovery. He's got about 12 chickens and a roommate.

Why the roommate? Are you like hanging out? Is that detail in there? well the roommate was gone for like six months when he adopted the pig and now the roommate's back so you don't live in the kind of community where it's normal that there's a 300 pound pig is what I'm gathering this isn't this isn't a country living no I live in like three miles from uptown Charlotte okay so this is either in the city or pretty suburban living and it's odd well first of all it's odd is it odd that there's 12 chickens I mean I

Kind of, but a lot of people in Charlotte for some reason have chickens. Okay, so chickens is socially acceptable, but a 300-pound pig is odd. I think it's just more frustrating that she keeps getting out and, like, mess with people's stuff. It's the escaping. Okay, so what specifically can we help you with today? Are we trying to cage Frankie? Are we trying to figure out a way to put the blame on you? Are we looking for a way to apologize to, I'm guessing.

And, O'Brien, what is the specific question? Because both calls are about boundaries. I feel like I'm trying to convince him to get rid of the pig now, but he's really committed. And I can tell he's just. He doesn't, well, we have to find a place for it to go. I know who could take it. I don't want to bring it back to animal control.

You do? Yeah, your parents. Oh, I can't. Give it to your parents. They need a place They need a place to lay all their affection They are They get them the pig

This is a perfect project for you The folks All you need is a band big enough to drive From Charlotte to Connecticut We have Lenin We have a van We are here to help fame We actually do have a weird

We have a it's in Chicago Is this a Chicago van? Yes And I don't know if they're going to want to be involved in it Is there any world of this is real, hold on, Monica, before we get on this insane road, is there any world where you would ask your parents if they wanted to, do you a big favor and adopt a pig? I absolutely would. There's just one problem.

What? They live in an apartment building. No, they moved to like an H.O. or not a 55 plus community after they retired. No, they can't do it. Okay. All right. So that's out.

We don't even have to go on that road. But that was a great beginning of a pit. Oh, it's not bad. Okay, so we're trying to figure, so you want, you know, I'm just going to say, and I know our little bit listeners are going to get mad. Is there any way we could donate it to a place, so it's a restaurant? No, what? No, off the table.

North Carolina is known for its barbecue. I do understand where you're coming from. My opinion, unfortunately, we have to solve this without a returning it, to where it came from and be eating it. We're not eating it. She's a nice lady. She doesn't deserve to be eaten. I agree.

But you brought this. You said that while eating pork. You brought this into the world. We have to figure out a way to get it somewhere where it's another acceptable situation. Maybe the pig is lonely. Maybe you need another pig. Thanks for coming in today, Lenin. We're going to.

I actually. Maybe I like some go. You get a pig. the pig becomes friends with Frankie okay because you what's what I don't know what's happening with you and Brian that you're like giving him life advice yeah yeah so maybe there's an opportunity here he's a handyman he comes over and like you know helps us with yard the earth house stuff and I mentioned that there was a pig that needed adopting and he was like I'll take a pig I don't want a dog but a pig sounds good wait I've got real pitch you guys I just Googled it and pigs are

social creatures and they get really bored when they're by themselves. Yeah. Thank you. Thank you. He's really smart. They're very smart and they're very social. They're very smart. Smarter than dogs. So. And chickens are dumber than dirt.

So you know he's like not talking to the chickens. Chickens are dumber than dirt. Lennon bar. You have to put her first and last name on that merch though. So it's what we're kind of getting at is the reason Frankie's escaping is because she's

lonely? She's bored. Or you have to play with her whole word. They're really smart pigs. I got her a toy. I got her a hurting ball and she broke it. She popped it. Because she was playing too much. She's like, what the fuck is this? What is this dumb ass toy for a dog?

This isn't another being. Really quick, Lenin, you're the voice of Frankie's a pig. We just gave you the ball, your thoughts in three, two, Pigley and Mo. What the fuck is this? Thank you so much. We'll be in touch.

So are we, I just want to know what we're pitching. Are we all going in, and this is a question to you, Monica. Are we leaning into this idea? Because I think this is way sweeter than the other ones, but that Frankie just needs a friend. And the way we can almost do this is through the community, meaning if you have a dog, when you take your dog for a walk,

bring the fucking pig we need help as a community to entertain Frankie Frankie was only brought here because Frankie was in need so let's fix this problem together we have a bored ass pig

we do now okay there's a reddice there is a Reddit with a lot of posts it's got 89 posts it's got 89 posts, I think 490 views.

Wow. I'm looking at it. Yeah. If you Google spotted on Bentley plays in Country Club Heights today, you'll see Frankie. He's there. So here's what I'm kind of thinking we do is you go on Reddit right now and post. Yep. I am the person responsible for the pig.

I asked my neighbor to have it because she needed to be adopted. She was in a bad situation. Wow. What? I'm just looking at this post. Yeah, exactly. Did you find it? It's just literally just walking down the street.

The pig looks like it just got laid off. That also, I mean, obviously it's to turn the pig. It's getting pretty big. It needs some exercise. I don't think pigs are supposed to look. But I don't think a pig's supposed to look like that. That's just a rectangle. There seems to be some goodwill towards the pig.

Frank is adorable. Yes, Frank the take was a volunteer favorite. So I would say what we need is, well, keep going, Jake, but I think you're on the right track. Definitely her. She's very good at escaping her, but the entire neighborhood knows her and keeps an eye out to bring her home. She's something of a mascot over here. That's amazing. I'm so sad I don't live in the neighborhood laughing my ass off.

so this is a lot of love a lot of love i think we post on there saying mention our show yep i was just on we're here to help the podcast and one of the experts lenin one said chickens are as dumb as dirt and two yeah uh something about madonna uh but then our producer saved her Caller, don't worry. Different caller. No, but they'd say one of the experts on that brought up the idea that Frankie is escaping based off of loneliness. Yeah, boredom. Maybe, boredom.

Maybe as a community, we could come together to find ways to entertain Frankie. We could do it in shifts. We could sign up on like, you know how you have in a neighborhood. Yeah, but you have it like in a neighborhood, you have like the communal library. a meal train, a little everybody, you have like a sign up sheet to spend time with Frankie to see if it helps the problem. Okay. Yeah, I mean everyone, most people, most people have dogs and she seems very interested in,

well, she seems very interested in the neighbor's dogs. And my dog is not interested in her, so I do feel kind of bad. Okay. But I think that we could have like some sort of like visiting hours for her. Yes. Where everyone comes up. She likes a back scratcher. Yes.

You could literally have a, you know what you could do? You could have a zone if your neighbor is into this where people could essentially take the pig out. So they don't necessarily walk like dog. When she gets out, it's quite an experience. Okay. Because she doesn't, they don't, she doesn't really walk. You have to kind of like, basically like push her. I wouldn't call that an escape.

I've never heard of somebody escape in jail because they got pushed out of their cell. So two escaping is pushed down the street. She takes her whole body and just like leans on the fence until she can get under the chain link. Frank. It's grim. It also sounds like we got to build maybe. a better system to keep Frankie in. But I do think post in the Reddit, look, twofold.

One, post in the Reddit, suggest what Jake just said. And I also think if we have people listening who have maybe a more suitable situation, we can be open to that as well. But also, yeah, we're airing this. Did you have something, Gareth? No, I just think, just open it up to the community because even just scrolling through that, It seems like people have interest in this. Let's do this really fast.

Let's make a pitch for the people of the community right now that we can send you as its own little clip and you just put this right on Reddit. Yes, good. Okay. Does that make sense? Yeah, that'd be great. Okay, so let's do it.

I'll start us in three, two, one. Hey, everybody. My name is Jake Johnson. These are my friends, Gareth Reynolds and Lenin Parham. And we are doing the show. We're here to help. It's a podcast. We hope you all listen to it. We're on Reddit right now talking to you because, as you know, the neighborhood has an issue with Frankie the pig, leaving her yard and walking around. And Lenin had a great thought. Lenin, go ahead. Well, I just surmise that maybe the pig was lonely or bored because she, excuse me, Frankie is trying to. trying to get out and get involved in everyone's business. And maybe she just needs some visitors or some walks or some... So, Gareth, what were you thinking about that? I think what we're looking for is to bring some business to Frankie. Make Frankie's life better.

Entertain Frankie more. We're kind of opening Frankie up to new experiences. Some toys. Yeah, just some fun. If you have a family, come see Frankie. Make Frankie's life more interesting. because the last thing we want is in a city named Charlotte to do anything bad to the pig.

We want the pig to be happy. So they say it takes a village to raise a baby. But what we say is it takes... Go ahead. It takes a village to raise a Frankie. Thank you. Lennon, take us out. Okay.

In closing, Lenin, go ahead. I can make you love me if you don't. Get that pig some visitors because chickens are dumb as dirt. Thank you, everybody. That was pretty excellent. I don't know.

Why do two takes when one did it all? I think that was pretty good. The song at the end was fantastic. Can I like, can you clip that and send it to Monica? Yeah. Monica, will you post that on Reddit today and start it saying, yes. Hi, guys, I am the person and explain the story that what happened with the neighbor

and explain the situation that you guys don't know what to do to fix it and you feel terrible, but you don't know what to do at this point. So you called this podcast for help and this is the best we have, but say like we're looking for help we all have a situation i feel sad for frankie and i think we could fix this yeah yeah she just need some friends yes so could you please follow up with us because i think this could turn into a very positive thing for the neighborhood and frankie if there was a neighbor i could take my kids to especially when they were young every saturday for an hour and a half nothing to do 10 30 noon let's go see the

the pig. Yeah, and you've got people posting that they would love, they wish they lived in that neighborhood. So maybe people will drive to see the pig. And then maybe the handyman could build a little area that Frankie could go out to that's not in his yard, that people could scratch a little back. Yeah. Give it a carrot. Backscratchers, some snacks. Also, if he's a handyman, let's fortify this pen a little bit. But rather than lock the guy up. I will send some pictures of what he's done. And it's pretty funny. He's done everything except really put up an electric fence. I'll win my follow-up.

I'll send some pictures. I would say rather than trapping Frankie more, let's free Frankie's brain. Yeah. Free Frankie. Free Frankie. I don't want to better. Let's just give Frankie the best life we can and see if that old son of the bitch goes, why escape paradise? This is true.

Yeah. I mean, the chickens are boring. You are right. Thank you. They are. No, it's true. They are dumb. They don't do anything.

Will you please follow up with us? Yeah, I will. I'll post it today. And also, did you watch Minks at all the show? I have not. You have stars? Yes, they do. Do you really?

All right. I have no idea. Yeah, I don't think it did. It's on Netflix. It's coming to Netflix in November. You'll watch it there. Hold on. You have stars and you didn't watch me?

I don't think she has stars. She doesn't have stars. She doesn't have stars. I don't have stars. I don't have cable. Oh, what is this is a cable? Cable. What do you think it is?

Baby I hear the blues are calling. Salon and Lemony. Scramble eggs. Scramble eggs. I do have Netflix, though. Okay, well, it's November. Check out Minks in November. Let us know what you think.

I will. All right. Thank you for the call. Thank you. Thank you, guys. Thank you for doing this. Lenin, thank you. That was so fun.

That was so fun. Bye, Monica. We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question at helpful pod at gmail.com. And if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here to Help, you can go to our Patreon at patreon.com slash here to help. to see our entire catalog. We're here to help is produced by Rabbit Grimm Productions, executive producers Rob Hollis,

Jeff Porter, and Natalie Hollis, associate producer Jesse Thurston, editing mix and master by Chris Fowler. The theme song by Oliver Raleigh. The cover artwork is by James Fostike, animations by Andrew Strelecki. And if you'd like to see Gareth, you stand up on the road, go to Garethrenolds.com.

Remember all of the advice given on we're here to help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions. All video episodes of season one are available now on Patreon, and season two video episodes will be available every Monday starting January 20th. Go to patreon.com forward slash here to help pod. What's going on?

It's Lamarne Morris. And Hannah Simone. And we host The Mess Around, a New Girl rewatch podcast now on Headgum. Now here's the thing. Every single week, we chat about an episode of New Girl, and we really get into it. Like, we get up in there. We get up in there. You know, we reminisce about our times on.

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