We're Here to Help - 229: Muffin Beef & Vision Board Loophole (with Ophelia Lovibond)

Episode Date: November 12, 2025

Minx week continues as Jake and Gareth welcome Guest Helper Ophelia Lovibond! Together, they orchestrate a baked good sting operation. Then, they brainstorm how to avoid drinking vodka with grandma at breakfast.See images from the episode here: http://www.heretohelppod.com/post/episode-229Want to call in? Email your question to [e-mail]: https://patreon.com/heretohelppodMERCH: heretohelppod.comINSTAGRAM: @HereToHelpPodIf you’re enjoying the show, make sure to rate We’re Here to Help 5-Stars on Apple Podcasts.Visit gemini.google/students to learn more and sign up. Terms apply.Advertise on We’re Here to Help via Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a headgum podcast. in mink's week yes Jake and I'll tell you how does it feel it feels unfunded by Netflix interesting it feels we created Minks week because Ellen was a showrunner wrote to me and said hey short to the whole cast hey the show's coming back Netflix bought it and I contacted somebody on my team and said is Netflix doing any press for it. Would they want to partner up in any way? And no word back. So it's a show that I love. I think it's really fun. And I hope everybody checks it out. So we had some members of the show come on and guest for the fun of it. And today is the lead of the show. Ophelia

Lovibon, who I loved working with. She's great. I mean, I... She's so good in the show, too. It must be, because you really, I remember when the show was, like, not coming back, you were very upset. You felt like it didn't get the shot it deserved. So now it is, Netflix is going to just help that. What I really was sad about was it was a show about people started a business in the 70s, and there was a lot of really fun characters, and there was, I thought, really fun places to go. So I was really excited for the future The 80s Yeah I was excited for if you run a smut magazine

Like my character for sure He was going to start failing And you're like well what happens when this dude Put some white powder in his nose Yeah And I'm like oh his downfall is going to be so fun to do And so intro I was like And it's so clear

When he gets murdered middle of season three You're like, just the character, Doug Renetti, I was like, oh, it just didn't get to finish. Yeah. I was like, oh, Ellen was writing him so well. He was so clean. Beth Morgan, who did wardrobe, just knew what these people should look. I was like, it was just working. And I was like, all right, we'll give it a little bit of time to cook.

And we'll figure out what this thing, like how this story ends. It felt like we were writing a book and in the middle of it had just stopped. Yeah. And you're like, other things have been on other things that stop. And you go like, I think that's fine that it stopped. Yeah. But this one was like, this one didn't finish. Yeah.

It's also that like the piece being in a different era. There's so like knowing the era is going to influence the character in that way. Knowing the 80s are going to happen. Yeah. You know, what an hour to go through to. But all of a sudden, leave from the 70s when all of a sudden they start dressing differently, they get shorter haircuts. Yeah. All of a sudden, capitalism really.

becomes king it's a lot less groovy yeah you're like oh that's going to get really fun yeah well i mean the truth like okay so let's just say everyone go watch minks on netflix that helps that helps get the show if you get the show on the top 10 part there tell tell people share about the show watch the show um but ophelia was great and we have a couple of great problems with her today and we've had a pretty great day today of calls. We really do say it all the time that we just are astounded by how much fun the show is to do and how great our audience and our callers are. Because every problem today, I mean, we were just laughing the whole time and these problems.

There's going to be something coming up, everybody, that I hope defines the next. era of the show and it might not but you're going to see we're going to see an attempt it's about the popcorn follow-up and you're gonna you know we've been doing stuff where friendship games and playing around and the community jumping in more and we got a van going to ravinia and what are we doing and i'll tell you what gareth and i don't know there's nobody driving this ship jessie nat attack. Nobody really knows. We're just experimenting. And the experiment might all be happening for this reason if this thing lands. Well, I think we do, we do, even though we are giggling throughout this, there are times where people's lives get better or a problem gets solved.

If it's by one percent, the show's worth it. And that happens. And it is great. I mean, we love to hear about that and we do feel accomplished and we know we're goofy and idiots and we fall short sometimes and we give bad pitches and there's certain times of people like hey don't dig up a body on that property it's illegal whatever but there is something where we were like both of our eyes kind of lit up in the sense of like oh shit like actual real yeah real shit when we the truth of the matter is when this shows long dead and buried and we're looking back at it together the real takeaway is, you know, the reason that we came back and the reason that we're really loving them is a lot of people have written in with really hard things happening in their life

and how this insanity, which is really for me and for Gareth, we hung out for three hours together. Yeah. So it's fun. With like a great activity. Rather than us being like, should we drink? Yeah. It's like, I don't want to, but I'd like to decompress. But if we're going to, if Gareth and I actually we're just hanging out in person, we would have to drink. Yeah. What else are we going to do? Well, I don't know. We'd be like this.

We would hike for an hour and be like, that's cool. And if you're like, I'm here for three more hours, we would eat and then be like, yeah. Should we have to? Yeah. Or should we have random people call in and have funny things that we could all discuss it together? Way better. And so all of a sudden we might be falling into something that, dare I say, Gareth could save a life.

Well, what a great cliffhanger. Everybody, enjoy the show. And go watch Minks. Go watch Netflix. You know, life's full of those little moments when you're sending money and it can make a big difference. So why not do that with Zell? Gareth and I send money to each other via Zell. When we are in the hole to the other guy, the easiest way to do it is Zell.

We both use it. We both know that it works. Pay and or request. Request money. Send me some money via Zelle. Why? Because you owe to me, little rat. Time to send me the money you owe me.

My brother, the great Danny J. And I do something for each other that, to us it's sincere and it's sweet. We always send each other money as gifts, and we do it randomly and we use Zell. We'll just, every once in a while, he'll get $7.50. for me with a big subject that says, you deserve it. And even though he sends me money back, I know in his heart of hearts for a moment when he saw that $7.50 on a Tuesday morning at seven before work, he thought, my brother loves me.

And sure, when he sends me less back, do I think my brother loves me less? Sure, maybe a little. Whether it's a big moment or a small moment, Zell is here for you, so you can be there for them. When it counts, send money with Zell. And we are brought to you by Angry Orchard. Angry Orchard Hard Cider. Welcome to Freaky Season, officially.

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Good, good. How are you guys? We're doing great. What's your name, please? My name is Santos. Santos. What a cool name. Yeah. Where are you calling from, Santos? Thank you. I'm calling from the Coachella Valley. Is that where Coachella is?

Yes, sir. How annoying is it for locals when Coachella happens? Super fucking annoying. There we go. It fucking sucks. I bet. Does it get, is it getting worse each year or just a consistent suck? I mean, it's pretty consistent.

It's also consistent when, like, you've worked, like, retail and, like, fat food, you know, when that sucks. So, you know, you get your normal assholes and then you get your annoying assholes out of town where you're just kind of like, well, you're out of town. So what can I really tell you, sir, you know? It's cool that you get both varieties of asshole, though. I was thinking to say it's nice to have a variety of asshole. Yeah, that's great. That's a wild line you just said, affiliate. It's nice to get a variety of asshole.

I tell you what else. It's not the first time I've said it. That I know about you, young lady. It keeps things interesting, I think, right? Sure. Santos from Coachella likes a variety. of assholes, you are on with Gareth and I and the star, the lead of a show that I did for a couple of years called Minks, who is a ton of fun and a great actress, just kills it.

When Minks is now on Netflix, you have Netflix, Santos? Yes, sir. I'd like you to watch this show. Now, here's what you're going to realize if you haven't seen Minks yet. There's a lot of dicks. Oh. A variety of dicks instead of assholes. I might enjoy it then.

You might enjoy it. Ophelia Lavebon is joining the pod. Ophelia, Ophelia, welcome to the show. Thank you very much. Santos. Oh, that's great. Yeah.

So my little problem here is I work at a pest control company, and I have a wife that loves to bake. So when I'm telling you she loves to bake, she makes, I mean, you know, this can come out of a bakery, you know, it's great. And we've brought about four different items to the guys, you know, to try out. And they loved it every time, every single time, it's a knockout from crumb cake to coffee cake, from, you know, talking to cookies and just all sorts of things. We see it? Yeah, we're seeing the cookies.

They look delicious. Yeah, they're so good, man. I mean, honestly, but they don't last the day enough. Yeah, yeah. Oh, everything. She makes everything donuts. Um, yeah, like carrot cakes. Jesus.

Those are donuts, man. Can you believe that? No, we live in a studio and she's popping that out. How looks like a variety of assholes? Get some dough and just, does she just drop that? I mean, that's why I love it, I think. Uh, she does it all.

She does it all on our stove, man. Cool. Our stove, uh, in our oven. So, um, but I just have this one coworker, which I need you guys to help me out with. Um, I don't know if it's beef or if he just doesn't fuck with, you know, big goods. But every single time that I bring something, he's in the room, everybody's, like, enjoying it, right?

Like, oh, this is great. Santos, like, it's so good. They offer it to him? No, I'm good. Ah, no, it's okay. Every single time. Wow. Yeah, every single time.

And then the thing is, too, like, so here's the thing. So we have work lunches, right? And they've brought everything, Chipotle, Panda Express, the habit, anything, anything. But it's never enough because this guy, my co-worker, is always the first one there. And he takes, like, four servings for just himself. Does he have a really big plate? Does he bring his own plate? I mean, basically

He basically means her to go A to go play I think I think that's smart I'm personally That's not our show is not about Our show is not about our role We have to be on my side

I just Well we can take our hat off to our enemy So wait He's crushing the lunch But he's having none of the baked goods That's crazy No And the thing is that now

Because of his fault We can't have good lunch So now we're just getting trash-ass little Caesar pizza because, you know, it's $5 a pop. So I like your rhythms a lot. Yeah, this is you are doing a great. I'm in your headspace fully. I'm with it. You know what I mean?

So it's just like, come on. And they're buying little teaser pizza because the man doesn't like it. So he doesn't eat. Okay. Wait, if you say, you know what I mean? He doesn't like Little Caesars. He's saying if it's like cheap food, he doesn't eat it. He eats so much of the good stuff.

They're specifically buying Little Caesar because he doesn't like it. He won't eat it. Oh, I guess. But he won't eat it. Okay. Give me a really fast set. What do we call in this guy? What's his name?

Let's call him Joe. Joe. So we got a setup of Joe. Joe's a weird guy. He eats so much. of the food he likes that the boss decided we got to get food that Joe doesn't like so that he doesn't eat it and the other part of this call is your wife makes unbelievably good baked goods and Joe doesn't so good yeah and I want to know is it beef like is he just is it with me

you know like right what's the problem here or also like try try my wife's cookie man okay but here's what we got to do here's what we got to do because there's a lot going on here in a good way, but what is the specific question we can help you with? I want to know how I can get this man

to try one of my wife's big good, so I can once and for all see if it's beef or if it just doesn't fuck with big goods. Santos, it's not helpful for you to throw in another food as the issue. Is this

beef? You think so? I think What you're saying is, does he have a specific problem with you? I must say, I don't think I can solve it that way, but I might have a silver bullet. Go. Oh. Why don't we get like, let's say we get Chipotle, okay? We don't bring it in in a Chipotle box. We put all of the stuff in.

This is not the problem. No, you're pitching on a different thing. Are you sure? Yes, he does it. The other stuff about the Chipotle was just to get to know Joe a little bit? No, but I think what he's saying is Joe will crush Chipotle, which is weird because it's free. So is he not eating the baked goods because he has beef with Santos's wife? To which I would say, let's put all of the Chipotle items in Tupperware, and Santos brings it and says,

my wife made lunch for everybody today. And you put it all out, but it's Chipotle, which we know Joe loves. And if Joe, yes, the Chipotle that he thinks is made by your wife, it's not beef, and it's just against baked goods. But if he doesn't eat it, he has an issue with the Santos family. Very smart. Wow. Your thoughts on that.

I mean, that's actually pretty smart. I kind of like that. Nobody's ever said that to me on this show. I got an idea, Santos. I need you. Somebody at the place of work, either an assistant or a secretary, somebody who's not dealing with the pest, so it's not one of the people he deals with all the time. Go around and ask everybody what their birthday is.

Great. And what their favorite cupcake or cake is. Ah, okay, okay. And the idea of it, it's a long play where people go like, why? And they go, like, it's just something that the company wants. So you'll go like, well, you know what?

The recipient Oreo cookie cake. What? Yeah, prints out all the birthdays. So they say, they make sure to, you know,

say congratulations, happy birthday, to all the guys. So then what we're doing on this, Santos is, and you could do a fake one that you put around, but what we're doing is

is we're asking people to put next to their birthday, their favorite baked good. Oh, okay, okay. And then you start, you sign yours, where you'd be like, cookies.

chocolate chip cookies and somebody else will go like I don't know I guess any cupcake will do whatever he writes down ask your wife to make it then bring it in a month later randomly so we know it's his favorite thing good if he doesn't eat it then have somebody else say or you could say go you don't want those and he'll go no and go it's your favorite baked good why wouldn't you want your favorite baked good this is very good or this is a very good or we do that and then we slow play it where we wait until it's his birthday and we have someone bring this a similar version of that in and see if he eats it on his birthday oh i like that you know what garret that was good too yeah don't get sense if he said garret it's close enough i need a five Santos what did i do i'm sorry no no no no i'm Santa, Santos, Santos. I have an accent. You're fine, Santos.

Don't, don't. No. Wow, wow, I see. You know what? I was in a way to end, but as a Packers fan, as a Packers fan, I was going to tell you, I love you. I love you, brother. I love you, brother. You got to chase a haircut.

We're not doing it. Why did you leave you in the back? I got to change the haircut, brother. Santa, I love them too. We're getting back in it. We're getting back in it. Yes, yes, sir, yes, sir. So.

I like, I like, I like, I like your idea, Jay. I think it's, it's super, like, I could definitely do that. I could print out a paper, you know, and just real quick. It sounds like to annoy you so much. Why do you care? I would care too. Yeah, but I mean, I'm not saying you shouldn't. I'm just, what, is it on behalf of your wife?

Is your wife bothered by? Yeah. I mean, I don't think my wife really cares, but I care for her because it's great. I mean, I think everybody should try for good. It's sweet. Yeah, I'm going to. is I yeah

Santos I want to interrupt for a second and I want to put my friend Affilia on the spot Hey Affila I know you don't have anything planned

you didn't even know the premise of this show you're figuring it out as you go you're tired you're a new mother what's your what's your pitch

and you're not allowed to say I don't have one I'd put money in them I'd put money in the best goods and then if it doesn't take it you just know something's not right.

No one says no to free money. Wait, hold on. I don't know who's actually paying him to eat it. But it's money, money. How do you do that, Ophelia? Okay. Would you not do, I don't know if you do this in the States, but in the UK, at Christmas time,

you put money in the Christmas pudding. It's quite not to put money in baked goods in the UK. I mean, not a lot. Not like a, you just shove in. Like you literally just put like a disgusting $5 bill with everyone's grimy hands on it in the middle of a baked goods? You don't put bills in there. We're not completely nuts.

You'd like, you know, coins. Yeah, but still. So you put like a pound coin? Do you boil it first? You don't have to actually. You don't have to eat. I mean, I don't. Ew.

You're talking about coins. I know. They just transfer everybody's disgusting hands. You put it in a cake. Is this a real thing? You put it in a, it's a real thing. You put it in a Christmas pudding. But it's a joy.

It happens once a year, so it's not like you're... Interesting. Well, you're a cake. You don't actually eat the thing. You kind of, you know. Yeah, you eat around it. You bite, you take a bite, and then you bite into the coin. And then, I mean, that's what you win.

It's not like a big prize. So anyway, it's not beyond the realms of, it's not completely unheard of. You're getting him to eat it by putting, you know what I kind of like about that possible pitch, Santos? You could say, there is a surprise in one of the muffins. Everybody gets one. No, that sounds really wrong. And then wait.

If someone offered me a baked good and said there's a surprise. I would not eat that bacon. That's true. Yeah. I mean, that's the whole world of pain. Take a bite at that. You know what? You know, we have something similar.

We have something similar in a Mexican culture where it's like a big piece of bread and you cut it and inside it's like a baby Jesus. I know that sounds really weird, but it's like a whole bunch of baby, baby Jesus inside the bread. It's like king cake from Mardi Gras where it's considered good. Yes, yes. Yeah, and you cut it and you get the baby and then it's considered good luck. I kind of love this. Santos, what if you said when you brought it out and make sure Joe's in the room? We're doing, there's a baby Jesus in one of these and it's good luck if you get it.

I could do that too. I would just take some convincing to my wife about making that sort of. One with a baby Jesus in there. So here's a, Santos, here's another pitch for you. Who's your best friend, co-worker? His name is Elie Fels. So, you know what you could do. Why don't you have your wife make some baked goods one day,

hand it to him and have him say his wife baked him? Oh, okay. So you just meet in the parking lot, and he goes, hey, everybody, my wife baked these. Anybody want them? And if Joe eats them, then you go, what the fuck? Yeah. What's going on with me?

I quite like that one because that's more like a sting. It's a sting. Yeah. Because he doesn't need him. He doesn't need him. What I could do is I could do a combination of your ideas. I could do the paper with the birthday to see who, like, what's his favorite thing? And that way she could bake that.

And I could give it to him and then he could give it to him. And then we'll see if he really does eat it or not. Well, hold on, Santos. But I think if you do. Or you're saying like just in general. Well, if you do the paper and he eats it, we still don't know if it's beef with you because if it comes from the other guy, I think if you do the, I think if you do the paper and we find out what he likes and your wife bakes it, he's got issues with you.

Then we could heighten that and a month later, your coworker can make him. And if he eats it, now you're about to have a fucking duel with this guy. Oh, I think I should have a deal. Yeah, I agree. I mean, but I think what we, I think we are in a very. good spot. I think we could solve this problem. We've given you some really solid pitches. Santos, what the hell are you going to do here, Big Daddy? Yeah. I think I'm going to go ahead and do the steam operation. Okay, walk us through it. You know, and play a long one. So

I'm going to get my wife to just make one of her delicious big goods. Okay. And I'm going to hit up my friend and just let him know, you know, a little bit of the situation. He's a little bit of a jokester, so I think he'll have a little laugh at it. Wait, he doesn't know the situation, so does no one else know this? Well, everybody around always just is like, wow, you're not

going to take it. Like, you don't want, you don't want to try it? Like, all the time around, you know, they're the ones that are always trying to get him to taste it, but he just won't. So, I think he's something else, you know. How do they make him taste it? How do they try and make him taste it?

They'll like bite into it. And go, hmm, it's so good, dude. Like, you sure you don't want to bite? You know, like, like, literally in their face, in his face, like, crumson on. He's still like, no, no, I'm good. Like, no, I don't like that. Or, like, I just had breakfast. Like, come on.

Like, dog is like 6 a. I know. Come on. Like, take it to go, you know. One last thing. Let's say we do the sting operation. Your friends bring in and Joe eats it. What are you going to do?

man honestly i think i'm just gonna i've been waiting i've been waiting i've been waiting to confront him and just be like so what is it big dog like what is it about me that you don't like you know i okay i get it so you don't know yet i do you think he doesn't like you i think so i think so and i don't know i think he doesn't like you either i i feel hold on i don't yeah i i think i i think i i give good vibes you know and it's just like this one guy but I just want to get him to. Santos, here's what I'm thinking we do. Let's do this in stages.

Let's bring you back on the show. We are going to get to the bottom of this one, but this one is multi-tiered. So let's start with your buddy. First, if your wife's willing to make some more, which it sounds like she is, let's have your buddy bring them. If he eats them, Santos, do not confront him. No. Call him and we'll come up with our next plan. I would even say maybe don't be in the room when they're dropped off.

I agree. might be a little extra pressure he feels and let me say this your wife should bake something for the fake bake that she's never made before okay to really put him off the scent yeah yes okay because we're in phase one yes and then what we're going to do afterwards when we get that next information we're going to figure it out then but this is this might be a three stage thing to get to the bottom of this but this is this might be a three stage thing to get to the bottom of this but You have called the right place. And similar to your job, we're going to find the route on this one. And we're going to get it out of the house. Yes.

Thank you. Thank you. This might end with me doing an undercover boss at your work, just so you know. You always pitch that. It never happens. So this is again. It might happen. Coachella, he's a drive away.

Natalie? No. That's another one for Gareth. Why? I agree. I'm being entertaining. Santos, thank you for the call. Please follow up with us.

Thank you so much, you guys. I love you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Hello.

Hello. Hello. You're an echo. Hey, it sounds like two Jakes. Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello?

Hello? Hi there. Can we get your name, please? What's going on? Sorry, every time I kept saying hello, I kept hearing hello back. And I think I got confused there. Where are you from? friend. I'm from Sheffield, England. Oh, boy. Ophelia is with us. She is the lead of the show Minks, which is coming to Netflix in November. Have you seen Minks yet? I haven't, no. I would like you to watch it, please. Yes, sir. Thank you. Ophelia, our caller is from Sheffield.

Lovely, love Sheffield. Oh, beautiful. And what is your first name, sir? I'm going to go by Red. Red? Red? That's correct. Cool. R-E-D? Oh, yeah, R-ED. So Red from Sheffield and, what do you do, Red? I'm a window cleaner. Fuck, yeah, yeah.

Perfect. And I like that you say cleaner. Did you go to international school? Jake, easy, buddy. No, I didn't, but my wife is Canadian and I really pick up accent, so my accent kind of bounces all over. Fuck is mine. Easy, Jake. school I went to. Jake, we have company. So let's, maybe not this call. Red, can you let us know

what your issue is and how we can help you? Yeah, of course. Once a year, my wife and her family meet in Quebec to see her grandparents. And I never really grew up with a lot of, like, grandparents in my life. So I wanted to really connect with them. The issue being that they don't speak English. it's a big issue keep going it's massive bigger yeah so the grandfather spoke perfect english not a problem but the grandmother didn't so she was a hard enough to crack so that was the one I focused on and it turns out we had a mutual love of alcohol so great 9 a.m. vodka shots for breakfast cheese red red wine at dinners beer throughout the day and whiskey at night wow red Yeah, so This is you and grandma in Quebec

Yes, that's correct How old is she? She is 84, 85, 9-hour week She's doing vodka shots in the morning Good for her This is where I went wrong We were eating breakfast And she said

She offered me vodka Which I accepted And I slammed it Which she started laughing Because apparently when you have vodka With breakfast You're supposed to sip it And not slam it

Which I didn't know Strange I don't know that that's a rule I feel like that's her rule I agree I'm not that's not like a general rule in Quebec actually well I don't know

but it's what she said so I just had to follow suit so over the years every time we've gone to visit because we bonded over alcohol she always buys me my specific bottle of whiskey and anytime anyone comes to visit

they will say you cannot touch that that's for him that's his that's his special bottle bottle and every time I fly out I buy her a bottle and she responds the same way no one else can drink it's her special bottle from England that she loves and this year we're flying out next week because unfortunately the grandfather has passed away and she's been telling everyone how excited she's just have the

whole family together again and how he's specifically looking forward to drinking with me and the problem is however every year my wife and I do a vision border things we want to achieve and on it i specifically said i'm going the whole year without drinking alcohol fuck oh no so now i'm in a bit of a predicament and i'm hoping you can help me figure out a way to trick an widow into either not letting you drink alcohol or make her believe that i'm drinking alcohol you're talking about the indiana jones yes first of all what a great

beautiful problem you set it up perfectly it's our producers are doing a great job this is a wheelhouse thing really quickly what is the type of alcohol grandma likes

let's just give a shout out to the companies what bottle do you get her the last time she was drinking monkey shoulder excuse me I believe it was called monkey shoulder nice good whiskey Is it?

Yeah. Monkey shoulder? You do? Wow. To me that sounds like shittier than old crow, but monkey shoulders. It might just be the joy I'm experiencing from hearing Red say monkey. I'm dying for a bottle of monkey shoulder. By the way, monkey shoulder, what are you doing?

You have your dream sponsorship with Jake. I would love to go to England and be the voice of monkey shoulder. He'll drink monkey shoulder out of a chair. Hip head. Come on, monkey's shoulder, find me. And then what are, uh, what is she getting you? What do you love out of Quebec? Uh, well, we usually drink Moulson Canadian throughout the day.

So fun, just a nice light beer just to smooth everything down until the next dinner or until we sat down at night to play card games or whatever. That sounds lovely. So we're going to get into pitches and what you want to help with is how do we trick her? into you not drinking. Can I just throw out a bad pitch to start? Yes. You can't come.

She just lost her husband. This at 84 read, The Big Blow, brother. Yeah. This is as dark as it gets in a dark night. I know what you're. Fucking drink with the old woman for fuck's sake. I almost thought.

That was my first thought. Fuck a vision. This call by saying, Jake, please remember that you support. supposed to be on the coldest side. You're right, but I'm saying this as an uncle in a bar who cares about you. Now,

if you said, I got in three DUIs, I got to quit drinking. I'm going, all right. You're talking about a vision board? Yeah, I mean,

you know what? If this was February, I would be with your book. Oh, you're so close to the end. It's in the middle of November. I'm five, six weeks out.

I, now I get it. You're about to accomplish a huge goal. I've been to birthdays. I've been to, I've been on vacation. I've been to. God, is this a problem? Engaged.

You're right. Okay, I get it. I do get this has been a huge accomplishment and you don't want to fuck it up in the last mile of the marathon. What you pitched is exactly what I would do. I'd be like, she's 84. I'm going to do it.

But what's going to be hard, I think, is the variance of cocktails and beverages you're sharing. So my first pitch would be maybe you go, I'm trying to lose weight, I'm off the beer and I'm off the wine, and then you can fake cocktails and shots all day. Yeah, I can try that. Yeah, you don't know anything else.

You can fake every drink. You can. You really can. As, you know, like when you're pregnant and you don't want people to immediately, when you say you don't want an alcohol drink, you don't immediately want people to go, are you pregnant?

So you just fake drinks. I'm talking you put little sprigs of rosemary in to make it look like Bloody Mary's. You have your gin and tonics. You put the level. There are ways to fake loads of drinks. I think you could fake it. I think you can too.

You know what I think you've got to do? And I don't think this is going to be hard to an 84-year-old woman. I think when you first get there, when you get off the plane, you've got to go to a liquor store and buy a cake. a fake beer, non-alcoholic beer, then you've got to, and through production, you can be in a movie drinking something that looks just like gin. It's just tea. They literally get a

version of tea and ice and it looks like whiskey. Yep. You need to have in your backpack a fake bar. Keep it in your room. Yeah. And she pours you a drink. You go to the bathroom. You come back from your room with the fake one. And guess what? Red, you tell no one. So what do I do with the original one? If she pulls me a bottle, if she pulls me a glass of whiskey.

Yeah. Orden the toilet. Why don't you also Tia? But in front, what if you kind of changed all the labels? So then she didn't know that she wasn't drinking. She'll know. She could be drinking the non-outreliquins. Like how

yeah, but is she, how strong is her constitution is she got? Does she, can she drink you out of the table? Well, she knows she's not drunk. Well, my other issue is that if I was going to just say, screw it and drink, I haven't drank all year. So I feel like after two glasses of wine, I'll be ca-oed. I'll be out for the night.

I got what? I've lost my intolerance, and it's... Hey, Red? Yeah. What if you're too broken up of the past he never heard? husband to drink. That's an impossibility. You just,

you're all turned around. You want to hang with her, play cards, but when she offers you to drink, you just go like, maybe a little bit later, you go, I don't want to cry. Yes, that's good. My mother-in-law has already spoken to her

and said that I'm not drinking alcohol this year, but she just turned, she just turned around and said, I'm sure he'll still drink with me. Like, I'm still, looking forward to drinking with it. Okay, so then we're not doing that. Because here's what we don't want, here's what we don't want to have happened to her.

We don't want her to go, I love this guy, he's my guy, we have fun together. I want to see the family, but I'm so sad. I'm going to have fun with my guy. And then you go, I did a vision board. So I'll tell you what, if I'm 85 years old and I have a nephew or a niece or one of my daughters, something, and I like doing something with them and they talk about a vision board, I'm going to just put a knife right through my chest and I'm going to just end it right there.

Yeah, certainly don't be telling people you have a vision board. We're proud of you for having one. What else was on the vision board and have you adhered to everything else on the vision board? I mean, are there any other holes anywhere that could justify you not fulfilling this bit? This year, no, but we've had crazy.

I always try and sneak a couple of crazy, stupid ones in just for shits and gigs. I always think it's funny to throw something real stupid in there. Yeah. which were in the past I wanted to eat 100 chicken nuggets I signed it

that's how stupid I signed up to run a 5K naked at Yorkshire Wildlife Park with a polar bear mask on haven't we all I gotta be honest I was anti-vision board until this

me too I didn't realize vision boards were cool we always put the same few serious ones on but I just think I want to have a bit of fun with it So I always throw something stupid on there.

How did the race go? Yeah, did you do it? No, it got called off because of COVID, unfortunately. Oh. Did you eat 100 nuggets? I did. Yeah, that's not a hard. In one sitting?

Yeah. In one sitting, yeah. Oh, you did? In one sitting? Yeah, way to go. I also did three and a half litre mason jar of Skittles, and I think it was 16 packs in 24 hours just because when I was in tiles. Redd, I don't think we ever got your age.

What's your age? I'm 32. Yeah, this is a great vision board. I'm 100% wrong about the vision board. It's awesome. Red, if you have any photos of old vision boards, will you send it in so we could post and put on the website? Yeah, I can try and find them.

My wife is very artistic, so she does pictures and borders and. And then let's to the viewers. in the audience and the base. This New Year's, let's everybody start vision boards, and let's put the dumbest stuff on the world. Nothing serious. Just three dumb things you want to do in 2020. Like, eat 100 nuggets or eat 60 bags of skill.

That's what a vision board's for. Yeah, it's to be 11 years old. Because now you're an adult and you have money. You can afford 100 nuggets. I'm going to buy five playboys. Yeah, that was kind of the idea. I wanted to keep the child inside me alive. just we'd always do something serious but he's alive he's at the wheel yeah but that's true

red let's get back to the promise here and pitch on that so what do you think about the idea of the indiana jones the fake out yeah i like it uh we always stopped by a liquor store so i can get zero percent red wine i can get zero beer i think it'll be hard to find a zero percent whiskey especially if she has bought one for me that will be quite tricky but what you could do with the whiskey are you are you the only one that drinks the monkey shoulder or does she partake

she partakes and I have a brother-in-law that also likes a little bit of whiskey as well all right I'm going to pitch that you bring an empty bottle of monkey shoulder that you fill with apple juice upon arrival and you're just going to have to be faking at an 84-year-old all day with giving her real monkey

shoulder while giving yourself fake. But the only thing with that is how good at you are you at faking being drunk? Yes, you'll have to be good. Because drunk acting's actually quite hard. Yeah. Yeah, that's true.

I feel like maybe I'll try and placebo affect it where I can try and tell my brother-in-law to hide a 0% beer and give me that. And hopefully the smell of it Yeah. So I think the fakeout could work. I think that's going to be fine. Garrett, you got any other pitches?

The only thing I would say is if she knows about the vision board, it might provide you a good opportunity to just be like, I'm only doing vodka this year. And you could kind of send that message out. And that way you can just be doing water all day. Make it a little easier on yourself. Going off of that, what was her husband's favorite drink? I think it was red wine. They drank a lot of wine at dinners. Let's do this. As a tribute to him, you're just going to drink red wine in his honor and you get the 0% red wine.

So grandma can drink whatever she wants, but if she goes to pour you something, you go, in honor of my guy, this is a red wine day for me, but I'm going to drink 100 bottles of these. You know what? This is perfect because you're not going to have to do the I need to see you drink it all in one. you can fake sip your way out of it I can make that work Ophelia I'm going to put you on the spot here what is a pitch you could throw at him

that's other than what we've been pitching I mean you could have a spittoon you think she's going to see that you could have no I don't mean an actual spittoon I mean you could have them kind of hidden around the house they can plant pots or behind a book or under a table this is actually really you know what we could do

what about this what about a tube that's right in your shirt I mean it that goes to like a little bag so that you drink that you then cover your mouth a little bit you spin it in the tube it goes in the bag when you go to the bathroom you empty the bag

so the problem is that I would even have to buy that in England and bring it with me or try and no you you you build that before that can get through customs that can get through everything okay all I'm talking about is a plastic tube a tube that is essentially two feet long at the base of it it connects to a Ziploc bag the zip lock bag yeah goes in your pocket, you go like this, you take a sip. I don't know about it in a pocket. I mean, that's weird, unless you wear car hot trousers with massive pockets.

I mean, tape it somewhere. Yeah. Tape it. Tape it to your body. While an 84-year-old woman is paying attention to other things, which she will be, this is about her whole family coming to celebrate her. She's not staring at you the whole time. Take a huge chug of your drink.

She looks elsewhere. You cover your mouth. You pour it into the tube. goes in there she goes like god you want another one you go i'm okay for now i like this idea because i think this is going to be a lot more entertaining for everyone else yeah but i also think this could be in a way where it's it's just you drink what she puts in front of you and here's how you win on your vision board you never swallow yeah it's good advice i can work oh philly how about another one off the top of your head oh god

Because the tube thing was actually really great. I was saying it to maybe tease you, but I think that's a great solution. But I do want to see, I really want to see that now. I kind of don't want to. But I also think that's a great way to do it where you don't have fake booze in another room. It is a, it's like the Donnie Brascoe. You're wearing a wire. Well, the other thing, I can't, well, the only other thing you could pretend, but then you'd miss out on the whole day.

I was going to say you could pretend that because your tolerance is so low from abstaining all year, you could pretend that one drunk drink has knocked you out and then you could pass out all day. But then you miss out on this one again. I don't know. I like the two. Me too. So, Red, we've given you some good ideas. The last one, let's not do.

Don't sleep through the whole trip after one drink. Don't sleep through the whole day. That is the pitch of a new mother. That is not the pitch for you. Yeah, that's the pitch of what I'm dreaming of. You know what I actually dreamed of last night? I dreamt that, yeah, I was just the pitch of. sleep with Robert Redford.

That was my dream last night. There was nothing spicy. I was just sleeping next to him. But then I remembered that he's dead. And I was like, am I wishing that I'm dead? Oh, no. You're wishing you're asleep. That's it.

I'm just wishing I was asleep while I was dreaming. While I was sleeping. My dream was that I was sleeping. My wife and I, when we had a case. So anyway, yeah, maybe ignore that. She said that when I was coming home from work, she goes, you're fucking it up if you let the kids sleep on your chest because when you're not here they're not able to fall asleep so when they're three months it was fine but my girls were getting

older so she goes when you come home and pass out on the couch with one of the girls on your in your on your chest it's harder for me to put them to bed after that because that's what they want so i was like i actually i think her theory was right whatever i came home after work in a huge huge it's not a shift but what we do in our line of work and i was gone for 12 hours or whatever it was. And my daughter, Elizabeth, couldn't sleep. And so I was laying on the couch with her, and I passed out with her on my chest. But I had a dream that I went to a seminar called the Jonathan.

And the Jonathan technique was when a child sleeps on your chest, but it's on a way that it does not screw up the next person putting them down. And when my wife came in in the morning, she goes like, Jake. And I go, what? She goes, I asked you so many times, and I go, I know, but I just went to the Jonathan technique, so it's fine. And because she was so tired, too, she goes, what's the Jonathan technique? And she said, I was like, it's a seminar I went to, but the way I slept with Elizabeth, it doesn't make it harder. And she goes, oh, and then she goes, when did you go to the Jonathan technique?

And I go, I have no idea. And then we started realizing it was a dream. This is quite frightening. Yes, but there was a good two minutes where we were talking as if the Jonathan technique was real. I mean, I'm really, I'm glad it didn't last longer than that. That's quite a long time to not be nice. So Red, back to you, sir.

Tell us what you're going to do with this. By the way, what do we call in, sweet grandma? Hey. Huh? We'll go with Kay. Kay. Kay. So you're going to see Kay.

in a month or two and a half weeks yes she wants to drink with her guy you don't want to let her down you got a vision board saying you can't drink until Jan 1 we've given you I think a lot of pretty good pitches Red

what you're going to do well because I have two weeks I'm going to try and make the tube yes I'm very happy with that I'm so happy about the tube same And then if that does fail and I can't get it to work, then I will buy apple juice and zero percent. And if I get caught, then I...

Then you get caught. Yeah. And then you admit what? Hey, how about this? If you get caught red, you drink. Deal. If she catches you, you make a joke of it. You tell about the vision board.

And then you say, okay, I love you. I'm here for you. Let's drink. And guess what? That could be a loophole on the vision board because you tried your hardest. Yeah. Yeah. I agree with you, unfortunately. And then, you know what we do?

Let's make an amendment to the vision board. Then you don't start drinking January 1st, January, February, March. You can't drink until March 1st. Oh. Yeah. I like that. Wait, so, so, so, so, if he gets caught three more months. Yeah.

So if he gets caught and he drinks, then you have two days. of drinking but once you're home you're dry again until March 1st okay I can make that way I think that's fair it sucks but then you basically did a year yeah I can do that okay red will you follow up with photos of the tube as it's going and keep documenting this for us because I'm very interested I'll do my best yes all right red Ophillip thank you for joining the show red do me a fair I like watch minks on Netflix. It's a great show.

Affilia is great in it as Joyce. You get to see so many dicks. Oh my gosh, so many. Affiliate, great to see it. Thanks for doing it. Thank you. I hope to see you in real life soon. That would be nice.

I think so too. Hopefully we do a season three. Who knows? Let's put it on the vision board. Let's put it on the vision board. Hey, Red, will you put on your next vision board that we do a season of minks in the 80s? Yeah, cool. It's already on that now. I'm like a Mink's little indie movie.

I can do that. Thanks, Red. And then follow up with us, really interested in this story. We'll do. Thank you. Thank you, my friend. We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question at helpful pod at gmail.com.

And if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here to Help, you can go to our Patreon at patreon.com. slash Here to Help Pod to see our entire catalog. We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grimm Productions. Executive producers Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter, and Natalie Hollis, Associate producer Jesse Thurston, editing mix and master by Chris Fowler. The theme song by Oliver Raleigh. The cover artwork is by James Fostike. Animations by Andrew Strelecki.

And if you'd like to see Gareth, you stand up on the road, go to Garethreth Reynolds.com. Remember all of the advice given on we're here to help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults. their own decisions. All video episodes of season one are available now on Patreon, and season two video episodes will be available every Monday starting January 20th.

Go to patreon.com forward slash here to help pod. What's going on? It's Lamarne Morris. And Hannah Simone. And we host The Mess Around, a new girl rewatch podcast now on Headgum. Now here's the thing. Every single week, we chat about an episode of New Girl, and we really get into it. We get up in there.

We get up in there. You know, we reminisce about our time's on set. We share behind the scenes tea. We react to rewatching episodes that we haven't seen in years. We talk about how Jake Johnson is dog. That's not true. We talk about so many memories we have of working with the biggest stars on the planet. I'm talking Prince, Taylor Swift, Olivia Rodriguez.

We're just two BFFs having a good old time, okay? Sometimes we even talk to other co-stars like Zoe Day Chanel, Jake Johnson, Max Greenfield and Damon Wayne's Jr. And your dad. We talk to your dad on this show as well. Make sure you subscribe to the mess around wherever you get your podcasts. New episodes drop every single Tuesday.