We're Here to Help - 230: Weird Here To Help: A Really Big Horse & Plucking the Piccolo

Episode Date: November 14, 2025

Eric and Steve are confronted with a pair of mysteries: First, what is the meaning of this giant horse? Then, why is my neighbor screaming? Plus, a follow-up from Ep 216: The Language of Dance.Want to call in? Email your question to [e-mail]: https://patreon.com/heretohelppodMERCH: heretohelppod.comINSTAGRAM: @HereToHelpPodIf you’re enjoying the show, make sure to rate We’re Here to Help 5-Stars on Apple Podcasts.Visit gemini.google/students to learn more and sign up. Terms apply.Advertise on We’re Here to Help via Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a headgum podcast. help. Oh, I'm so happy. Look, at you basking in the glow of a Dodger, the World Series victory. You look lighter than the air right now. I'm so happy. It's bringing this town together. When they won, I opened my porch because everyone in my neighborhood was shooting

stuff off. And I just yell, Dodgers! And every porch around me started yelling back. It was great to have neighbors. I don't talk to a ton. It was a beautiful thing, Steve. It was so cool. And you know, I've been on a road with Shohei Otani. I went to his first start in Anaheim in 2018 and watched him

suffer for six years under horrible ownership. So I'm so happy for him. Yeah, he is a, I mean, is, is he the best ever? He's in the conversation. He's in the conversation. He's got more, he's doing something, nobody else has done because people talk about Babe Ruth doing this. Babe Ruth only did this in, for six months.

And then he said it was impossible to do and started faking injuries. That's pretty cool. You know what he could use, though? He could use like a Wade Boggs story where, like, Wade Boggs drank, like, 95 beers in an airplane? Right.

Yeah. That's where baseball gets really interesting to me. Oh, yeah, because it's the one sport you can do that. Or Mickey Mantle getting up and, like, hitting, hung over out of his mind, they didn't think he could stand. His, comes in in the late game, hits a home run, wins, it's like, what'd you do?

He's like, I aim for the middle ball. Yes. That's amazing. Yeah, I mean, like, Otani's great. Could he use a little edge? I'm just saying, you know? Well, he's definitely drinking in the clubhouse during celebration. and shooting stuff.

I mean, they have a whole PR machine around it, but I hope he's getting weird, Steve. I really do. Yeah, have a little fun and enjoy the ride. So, Steve. Eric. This isn't anything I wanted to tell you today. Oh, God.

We're going to have an update, and all this talk has kind of been moved over to here to weird where it is. Okay. I hope everybody is sitting down. If you're driving, you might want to just kind of pull your car over briefly because there's no way to dance around it,

So I'm just going to say it. It looks right now like I have been banned from Vandicamp. And I have been banned from Dick Van Dyke's 100th birthday celebration. It's coming up in December. I got to say, look, you know, the nice guy me is saying sorry. And then the real me is saying, Eric, congratulations. See, this is the edge I'm talking about the Otani doesn't have yet. It's like how many people can say,

have been banned from Dick Van Dyke events. I'm not allowed at the house again. That is the most punk rock thing I think I've ever heard over my life. All right. I'm going to run with it that way. Move over, Sid Vicious. Eric Hennel signs in town, okay? Banned from Nick Van Dyke's backyard.

Like Bad Brains were the best punk bands ever. They were banned from Washington, D.C. You have been banned from an elderly actor. I happen. Well, it started, of course, with Jake Johnson. Yeah. When we did, we were here to chat. He had me do an impassioned plea.

try to bring Dick Van Dyke on the air. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I tagged his wife. And his wife definitely, as she would later say, clocked me at Vandy Camp in the backyard. And she went and listened to the first podcast where we talked about Vandy Cair. And it was the one where I asked for a refund.

When Dick didn't show up, I was specifically catty about the show and I wasn't my best self and I was demanding a refund and going back and forth with Chris. So she didn't know that I'd, later went on the air with you and told the joyous story of going to Dick Van Dyke's house. How much fun I had, how great the show was.

One of our great listeners posted me on Reddit, sitting in my seat cheering with a smile on my face like a little kid. Hell yes. She didn't hear that. And I was watching Arlene Van Dyke's Instagram show. Oh, boy. And I see she's just ripping some comedian to shreds.

And I'm like, oh, I wouldn't want to be that guy. You know, I don't view myself as comedian. I'm a very serious actor, Stephen. And then as she started going through, and she's like, and it started with them asking for an interview with Dick. Oh, mama. And one of them said, this is you, Steve, that Dick went viral because of the show. Honey, Dick has gone viral because of me for the last 15 years. And I'm like, oh, no.

She's talking about me. She hasn't heard the newest version of the show. And I was mortified and I felt bad because she kept specifically saying she saw me having a good time. She was like, you sat right by us. You sat at Dick's feet. You didn't even ask him a question. And then I felt horrible. Now, thankfully, one of the listeners of our show did let Arlene know that there was a

newer version, which I am thrilled she listened to. Yeah, yeah. So she heard Jake and Gareth screaming at me trying to say I didn't have a good time at Vandy Camp, which I refused to bow to. Right. I had an incredible time at Vandy Camp. And then I sent Arlene. an apology, which she did discuss on the air.

But then a lot of the fans said I owed them an apology because they thought I was ripping Disney adults, which I was not. I was only ripping the people trauma dumping. I'm happy to rip Disney adults. I'm going to go there with my wife next month. I love Pirates of the Caribbean. I love Splash Mountain or Tiana's Wild Ride,

wherever it's called. Now I cannot wait. Steve, you would do Splash Mountain. You have the biggest smile on your face. It's this giant drop. It's so fun. I don't get it. I don't get it.

You don't enjoy Splash Mountain, that giant fall? Disneyland is hell on earth to me. I'd rather, like, I'd rather, like, do anything else. Even as a kid, I went as a kid, and I was like, man, this place sucks. Like, I didn't like it. Different strokes, different folks. This is how you ended up looking for Bigfoot. I have a light case of vertigo, so I can't do rides.

Oh, well, that's it right there. I enjoy the rides. Even that little drop in Pirates of the Caribbean, I love it. I love the blue by you. I love the smells. But I was talking about the people. dumping to Dick when he was up front that he couldn't hear. But as of

right now, I'm still banned. Chris even talked about getting a restraining order. Eric, Eric, Eric, Eric, you're looking at this the wrong way. This is the coolest thing I've ever heard. Banned from it. This is what a great, like, third act grand finale. This is how the movie ends.

Yes. I wanted to be at the 100th. No. I wanted to be at the 100th. You know what? Everyone goes to the 100th. You end it at 99. That is punk rock dog. I'm telling you like, this. This This is the way it should end. I love it. All right.

This is great close. To me, this is a weird end. To be banned by an actual hero and to have offended his wife, I feel horrible. No, no. All right. All right. They're fine.

They're moving on. They have moved on. It's in their rear view. I know they moved on and that's part of what hurts. You don't need to feel. I don't want to be in their roofing mirror. I'm a giant object closer than I appear, babe. Eric, Eric, Eric, this is a great thing.

All right. And now it's time to find a new older person. to go like go watch entertain you well i'm going to go meet bruce stern at the hollywood burbank collector show there you go i'm going to get my books on absolutely moving on and there's a 98-year-old twilight zone veteran did some heavy lifting on the twilight zone i want to meet him maybe i can be at his hundred this is great eric that's good it's not great i don't i don't like being banned but i wanted everyone to know well i don't want this is important shit they've been on this ride with us well i for you look look look

I think this is a great, a great ending, okay? I think it could not be better, in my opinion. Being banned for Dick Van Dythin, I think, blah, chef's kiss, beautiful. All right. Now, I want to ask you a question because when we sat down and turned on the video and saw each other smiling your face

is all hopped up on caffeine, you, my friend, had a beautiful, grateful dead sweatshirt. And I think there might be a little bit of a story behind that that I think I know. What does that say? Turtle Tob. it says further because this

Steve is Bill Walton's further hoodie shut the front door in pictures of him wearing it in the luckiest man on earth series that I watch all the time after just goes to bed he's wearing this I feel powerful and happy and profound right now

in this incredible hoodie I'm wearing Bill Walton's hoodie I can't believe it Eric how does one get Bill Walton's His auction. And what I learned from past auctions from getting ripped off in the Neil Young option, the Bert Reynolds auction, they do a second tier.

Were you buying a turtle map? Oh, yeah. A turtle certificate? Some Navajo sand art, which may or may not be cursed, Neil Young's train. So I knew that what they do is they do the second tier stuff later. And this has a stain on it. And I'm not washing it.

And I think, I'll be honest, Steve, I have a pretty significant dust allergy, and I'm definitely fighting through it right now. I'm going to take some nettles. I've been muting my mic and sniffling, but it's Bill Walton's dust, and it means something to me. Bill Walt was a big guy like ourselves, and I bet he perspired her that quaked a bit.

Oh, my God, that's even cool. I bet that's got Walton's stank all. Oh, I would see him at shows, and then I'm sure I've told you, but at one point, uh, Stephen and are both big college basketball guys, and I was the announcer for Gonzaga,

and whenever coach few calls, I answer in one of the greatest moments of my life, coach few called i answered and then he put me on the phone with bill walton shut up yeah and it was exactly what we weren't wrong i'm like bill i just saw you at the hollywood bull at dead in company with john mayor and he's like oh john mayor he's incredible he just played the hollywood bull you should have been there it was just beautiful it's one of truly one of the best moments in my life he's a hero steve and we talk about like trying to live life the right way yeah that's a guy that did it. He went to over a thousand dead shows. I would see him at every Neil Young, every

Bob Dylan show. When I first, uh, Neil Young started doing his fan club, I went to two shows in Bakersfield, two in Fresno. And my wife's like, do you see anyone there like that you know? And I'm like, Bill Walton. And she just kind of shook her head. But the one other lunatic took there going to see Neil Young and Fresno and Bakersfield. And those shows were important, by the way. I'll just say this. It's weird here to help. His show in Bakersfield, Cure me. me in my tinnitus. Yeah, I bet. I don't like telling people this. He turned up a tone on his guitar. I keep meaning to write into the newsletter he does, but I swear I felt a weird shaking in my in my skull. He jostled something loose. I had horrible tinnitus and it went away, Steve, in

Bakersfield. I was there. Bill Walton was there and my tinnitus was cured. But Natalie, I saw, Natalie, do we have our collar? Are we geared and ready to roll? Oh, let's dance. You know, life's full of those little moments when you're sending money and it can make a big difference. So why not do that with Zell? Gareth and I send money to each other via Zell. When we are in the hole to the other guy, the easiest way to do it is Zell. We both use it. You both know that it works.

Pay and or request. Request money. Send me some money via Zell. Why? Because yo, tell me, a little rat. Time to send me. the money you owe me. My brother the great Danny Jay and I do something for each other that to us it's sincere and it's sweet. We always send each other money as gifts and we do it randomly

and we use Zell. We'll just every once in a while he'll get $7.50 from me with a big subject that says you deserve it. And even though he sends me money back, I know in his heart of hearts for a moment when he saw that $7.50 on a Tuesday morning, it's seven before work, he thought, my brother loves me. And sure, when he sends me less back, do I think my brother loves me less? Sure, maybe a little. Whether it's a big moment or a small moment, Zell is here for you, so you can be there for them. When it counts, send money with Zell.

And we are brought to you by Angry Orchard. Angry Orchard Hard Sider. Welcome to Freaky Season, officially. Angry Orchard has partnered with the Jason Universe this fall to bring some new sweet treats. You're getting a new limited edition, glow-in-the-dark thriller pack that includes four unique flavors, including Blood Orange, inspired by the Jason. Special collectible Jason Crisp Apple, 16-ounce and 24-ounce cans. And last but not least, just in time for movie nights, sweet revenge. A 13-minute short vignette that brings Jason back to the screen for the first time in 16 years, directed by Mike.

P. Nelson. Grab Freaky Good Cider from Angry Orchard at Angry Orchard.com slash Halloween. And while you're there, watch the new Jason Vignette, Sweet Revenge, and shop the collab merch. Hello, I can see that your name is Ellen. Ellen, where are you calling from?

My dear friend. I am calling from Chicago, Illinois. I've heard of it. Ellen, you are on with my wonderful brother in rhyme, Eric Edelstein, and we are here to help you with any kind of problem you have, weird or not. Talk to me, sister. Hi, Ellen. We're here to help. Excellent. I need some help. It's a light one, but here's the story. So I recently went on a trip to Sedona, and I had a fantastic time. I went, I'm not a real spiritual, mystical

person from Jump, but I went with an open mind, and I feel like it was life changing in a way. I feel Like, I left a lot out there on those racks. Did you see John McCain's ghost? No. That would have been life-changing, too. I hear he lurks around from the vortex. No, I didn't see any ghosts. I would love this to be a ghost.

Well, those vortexes are powerful. I went out there by myself once and had a profound experience. So I'm very curious to hear about yours. Did you see Shirley MacLaine at that famous taco stand? She's there every day. I'm just kidding. Okay. Ellen, sorry, go on.

I got to go on. Don't brand me as Shirley McLean. I'll leave this podcast now and drive out there. I've got a track record for Hollywood Legends in their 90s. You're kidding? I throw it away for Shirley MacLean. I love her. Oh, yeah.

God, she's the best. So, obviously, we're familiar with Sedona and the whole vibe of the culture. Please, continue. Okay, so, so, you know, the transformation was a lot about letting things go, personal stuff. But I did see this energy healer. Okay. And he had a lot of interesting things to say. One of which, he told me that my spirit.

animal, which were his words, I feel like that's a little appropriating, but my spirit animal was a horse. And this was news to me, because I've never felt aligned to a horse. But everything else he said was really, really powerful and really resonated in a lot of ways. I feel a lot lighter, a lot better. And now that I'm home, and it's been a couple weeks, I feel like I'm losing a little of that. And I want to do something with the horse to care. that, like, feeling that I had there with me. So, like, what I mean is, so that's my question. Like, how can I honor this experience in the way that pays tribute to my animal, the horse?

And this could be, like, a physical thing. Like, I was thinking about a tattoo, but I don't have a lot of tattoos. And I don't even really, like, horses are new to me. I don't know if I want that. I was thinking about, have you considered buying the Blu-Rays of Mr. Ed and having a marathon? I'm just kidding, sorry. I'm open to anything. Right, right. So this seems fairly like straightforward. Let's let's let's you know reverse engineer a little here. This is so you went to a healer. Yes. And you use the word transformation. Yeah. Do you really you do you really like

in your in your core self feel like you were transformed by the sealer? I do. But, but, but, begrudgingly, I guess it's not as simple as that. I immediately when I saw this healer was not into it. So I'll give you the real story. He was a white guy. He had a polyester shirt with mushrooms on it. He had a beard ponytail and me

Danger Will Robinson. Yeah, white guy ponytail, appropriation, we got problems. Red flags all over the place. Granted, though I also have a hula that's a white guy of the ponytail. So as I cast one finger toward him, there's three point back at me

and it sucks. But the first question I always have for something like this is is this healer indigenous because he probably shouldn't even use in the term spirit animal if he's not, although unless it's our new friend

whose father's about to be a shaman. But like already, I will also say this, having been to Sedona, Sedona is a place set up for big old suckers like me walking through looking for answers in vortex.

I will say the thing about Sedona, the whole tourist attraction is New Age. junk. Yeah. It is, I mean, like, I don't mean to say, like, as a blanket term, I think it's all junk,

but, like, it is grift city. And, like, I know that just because I, I'm pretty a mesh in the UFO scene. There are some euphologists there that are taking people for some rise. I won't say any names. But so, like, one must be careful when you go to a place like Sedona because it is full of dudes who are going to throw around,

like, passei terms, like spirit animal. Let's finish it. is not, that's not the most creative thing in the world because, I mean, you see like, you know, every Tom Dick and Harry saying like, oh, oh, oh, you know, this, this and that is my spirit animal. I had an awesome. My spirit animal is a unicorn. I was told this by a healer named Truth. He was balding with a ponytail. But I had a fantastic. Yeah. And you drive through and you see these alien folks with huge billboards. And like, boy, I walk through Sedona. I got a target on my back because I looked like a big yokel with money to spend. And sadly, I am. So this guy, so you went in with some preconceived notions, but obviously he had a big enough impact on you where you do believe this is your spirit annual animal. Can you tell us a little more about this healer

and where it ended up going with him after not starting on a great foot? Well, yeah, I mean, the whole experience, I think I'm a skeptical person. So like from start to end, I was like this guy. But when I left, and also, it wasn't a ponytail. It was a beard ponytail. He gathered his bearded man,

the jeweled. as favored by David Koresh. Yeah. When I left. A failed cult leader. Yeah. Maybe not. I always think it'd be hilarious.

If you died, you go to murder a coil, then it's David Koresh. Like, oh, shit. He was right. We should have been braced of Vienians. Oh, God. Yeah. With those guys in San Diego that all put on the matching Nike's and checked out. Yeah.

What if they're right? Yeah, a little bit. Yeah. Sorry, go ahead. So this guy, you're skeptical of all. already because his appearance is a little, it's a little like two on the nose. I was skeptical the whole time.

Everything he did. But then when I left and reflected back, he was right about everything that he said. Wow. What was he right about? Talk to us. Do you might share a couple pieces of like things that kind of like, you're like, oh, well, there might be something to this guy.

Well, it was really specific to a situation I'm going through, which is pretty heavy. I'm going through some family drama. So it was specific about like letting go of that. He did this, like, you know, we did tarot and there were some things that aligned. It wasn't like groundbreaking stuff. I don't have anything that I was like, this is why. But a lot of the things he said were reinforced.

The next day I went for a massage and unprompted, the massage therapist said a lot of the same things because she said she could like feel them in my body as she was rubbing me. Right. You don't think they could be working from a same, like, I have. seeing some people like this because I'm a curious guy and I try things out and I do feel like there is kind of like a script that a lot of these people go out from no they're they're gonna make it maybe put it in their own words but there are probing questions that like you know um quote unquote like you know uh people who claim to be psychic mediums they all ask generally the same stuff and it's general enough to where a lot of times they can fit into anyone's framework

but you feel like they were specific enough to where it did jar you a little bit. I don't know if it was if it was the words I heard or just the way I felt when I left, you know, like I felt a lot better. And the last piece of the puzzle about this horse and why I'm just in the horse is I have met a horse locally in the kind of like farmland between Illinois and Missouri that is a giant horse. I've seen this horse a couple of times and I feel like this horse,

I didn't know horses could be this big. It is the size of an elephant. And every time I've seen this horse, it likes, I can't believe it. And I feel like I have a moment of, like, I feel like this horse is important to me for some reason. It's a totem percent. Well, no, this is interesting information. This is telling us a lot here. This is telling us a lot here.

So, okay, like, all the stuff I said about, like, you know, like, oh, you know, like, are they, like, if it made you feel. better that's all that matters like it doesn't matter if like this guy was some dude off the street who like is an acid casualty from the 70s truly doesn't matter right which I couldn't wait to throw that guy my money I'll say that right now that's why I'm here truly a ponytail and a good rap here's my here's my debit card yeah you know I bet he's got some great home but you already feel this intuitive and especially that giant horse so out the gates I would say can you go visit this giant horse because let's That's now in the weird here to help realm, we're going to say you found two very real healers in Sedona.

You're on a path that is predestined that the hand of fate cradled you into two very real white folks with ponytails in a dream. And you now, they're right, your spirit animal is a horse. You felt intuitive connection to this giant horse. So what I'm wondering is, can you go out and visit this horse? And also, I'm looking out in the Chicagoland area, we have memory lane stables, the nine acres of. equestrian center, and the Palos Hills riding stables. There is a plethora of horse-related activity for you to commune, which is now your spirit animal.

Right. I bet that's some boozy-ass like a Lincoln Park horse stables, though. Where the Hoy-Paloa go riding on the weekends. Wait, Ellen, where did you, where is this big horse and how is it that you came to meet it? Um, okay, so it's, it's at like an animal farm kind of place where you can go visit. So you can find this horse. I could go back and visit this horse. Okay, Ellen, Ellen, I am first off, that is one, that this is amazing that you actually feel like it is possible to find this horse.

Here is an initial pitch that comes to my head right away. You take what I like to call a little bit of a sojourn, a solo trip. You, and you know what? You make it an adventure. You listen to some weird ambient music on the way down. You have a cooler full of like natural snacks, you know, maybe some like some baked tofu and, you know, like a vegan egg salad. And you go to this place, this sanctuary,

and you photograph this horse at a couple different angles. And then you maybe stay at the night so you can connect to the same kind of land in geography as the horse. Then you get in your little car, you drive back, to Shiki G, you find a great painter and you commission a painting of this horse based off the picture you took.

I like that. How does I grab you? I like that. One issue is I've taken pictures of this horse before and there, it doesn't, you can't tell how big it is, but I guess it's okay. But that's only for, this is for you though. This isn't to impress anyone

else, you know what I'm saying? Like, and also an artist's worth or salt can put, you know, can scale the horse to make it, you know, so the size can really sing. Well, I'll tell you what, scale it is if we get a picture of Ellen and the horse. Right?

Oh, Eric. Wow. And then just, I think the more time we can spend with this horse the better. Do we know the name of this horse? I don't know the name of this horse. Well, we'll find out soon. You're stuck with us now, so we're going to want to know. I have a visioning. My favorite episode of the Sopranos is the one where they have Tony Soprano and the horse.

Pio my? Pyle my! Yes. And then, and then, And then sweet Tony Serico wants to keep the painting. Yeah. And him is Napoleon. Yeah. And you look majestic tone. So I'm kind of seeing your version of Tony Soprano on the horse with this giant horse.

And what better way to show scale than having you in it, sister? I love that. I love that. You can have some fun with it. It can be kind of like this version of yourself that is like a maybe like a sorceress or something like that. Like you can make it fantastical. You can take the picture of you and the horse and put it on like what you would envision. you know, sitting on the planet Saturn would look like.

You can make it like very 1970s sci-fi novel. Take the art, you know, the liberty as the artists can take with there, endless. However, I do think this little sojourn, and it won't be about the destination of the horse, I have a feeling if you follow this path, you're going to have some interesting moments. There's also something hypnotic about literally like driving on a road and looking at the lines puts you in a mild hypnotic state. Oh, I love it.

It feels like a meditation. It does. It does. And, I mean, like, so, like, how long, like, just, you know, you don't have to look it up right now, but, like, how long would you guess this road trip would be to go see the special horse? It would be about, like, four hours. It would be quite different.

That's nothing. Okay. That is nothing. That's so great. In fact, I would recommend booking a hotel in the general area of where this horse is. So you can make it a little treat to yourself. Like I actually love going on vacations by myself. And usually involves looking at something paranormal or weird.

I love to go like legend tripping. A lot of times I prefer to go by myself. But you can really make this kind of like a, you know, I hate to throw the word sacred around. But you can make this a sacred sojourn. A little journey for yourself like where you just go, you don't even tell anyone what you're doing. You're going out there to do something that is just for you.

and it's to commune with this animal that has caught your attention prior to going to Sedona. So there's definitely something about this horse that you find majestic and beautiful. So I'd say lean into it. Go visit this horse. Seems like a no-brainer to me. Yeah. I think about this horse all the time. So this is all meant to be, friend.

We're so glad to share this with you. There are answers within this horse and within you. Ellen, I mean, this sounds like a pretty good course of action. What are you thinking, friend? Yeah, I'm on board. I'm going to take a road trip. Going somewhere by myself sounds fantastic. I've been craving that, so I'm going to do that.

I'm going to, you know, have an experience with the horse. I'm going to get a picture with the horse that I will put into a painting. And I'm going to go back and visit this horse pretty regularly. Yeah, become a part of the horse's life. I love this. Now, the most important part I think Eric and I can probably help you with beyond what we've already talked about is you're going to want to consider

snacks and food. I'm a big believer in it is important to, you know, and like when I say culture, every small town they can be 10 miles apart, they have their own culture and their own vibe and energy. I would recommend right when you get there,

right after you throw your bags in your hotel, go to the most local-ish diner, the place that seems like the hub of the small town and get yourself a nice meal. Okay. Eric, absolutely. Snacks on the way.

Steve would say pack snacks. I do that a little bit, but man, there's nothing better than pulling into that gas station. Getting stuff you wouldn't normally let yourself get. I love getting honey roasted peanuts. I rip the top of the bag off of my mouth. I just dump them in with some good water. You nailed it. I won't usually have them.

Yeah. The ingredients aren't amazing. Get yourself a sugar soda. It's all part of the sojourn. Oh, my God. Get yourself an alternative soda. Are you, oh, get a Mr. Pib and wonder where it all went right. Yeah, buy like a weird harbor all day.

They're not sure it's like, like, okay to eat, you know, like take some brisk. Oh, the big pickle in the bag that they sell, it's in plastic. Microplastics are fine if you're on your way to see a big horse. That's true. They don't get enough if you see any kind of. It's proven. If you see a tequito spinning on a rotissory thing, don't even think about it. I'll buy two of them.

Right? All right. I'm feeling empowered. Ellen, you feeling good? I'm feeling great. I'm feeling great. I really appreciate it. I'm glad that we went from you thinking I got scammed to believe in them on the right path.

No, I think you found the right people. It just took a little bit of prodding. We have to come in like that because Sedona is rife with con artists, but you found who you were supposed to find, and you'll find even more with that horse and some honey roast of peanuts and a Mr. bib on the way. Word. I love it.

Well, Alan, thank you so much. Please reach back out and let us know how this sojourn went. dined to here and write down every snack you have because the food is probably the most important part. And I want to see a picture of you and the horse. I want to have for scale. Please, please. We'll do. We'll do. I'll be back in touch. Thanks, guys. Honor to meet you, friend. Yeah, have a good one. Ellen. Bye. Hell yes. Oh, well, hello. Who do we? Oh, that's a, that's a beautiful looking area.

Well, my friend, what is your name and where are you coming from? Hey, I'm Lars. I'm from Baltimore. Lars! You are one of the first Lars I've ever met, except for Lars Alrich, who still owes me $20. Just kidding. Where are you calling from? Baltimore. Baltimore.

Okay. The wire, the Orioles, soft-shell crab. Edgar Allen, Po. Poe. Don't forget Poe. Come on. Had a rough end there. Well, my friend, let's get down to Braston.

text, what's on your mind? How can my brother, Eric, and I help you today? Let's go, Lars. Yes. And hello, fellas, nice to talk to you. Great to talk to you, brother. So my wife and I have a row home in Baltimore. I'm sorry, what's a row home?

Roe home? Oh, like a townhouse. That's what we call them here, I guess. Oh, yes. Like in the movies. Like Dave Ruth lived in a row home in Baltimore. before he got sent to the orphanage. I've seen him in the movies.

Yeah, beautiful. Sounds great. Yes. Love a Roeholm. You don't know. The Roe Home is five minutes ago. I do now, darling. I do now, you son of a gun.

Don't you... Johnny Roe Home. Oh, you're macheteing me right in the belly. Okay, okay. Let's go. Okay, okay. Sorry, Lars. We are involved in our own issues.

You're all good. I guess just geography matters a little bit. So we don't have an alley in the back. We have a yard, and all of our neighbors have yards as well. So like there's a row on all four sides of the block. So we kind of have a little, like I guess for lack of a better term, like a courtyard situation going on back there. Love a courtyard.

Yeah, it's very nice. It's very, and because of, you know, the homes are so tall, It actually stays quite quiet back there, you know, considering we're in the middle of the city. It's very quiet. It's very peaceful. And I love being out there, as do a lot of folk. The problem is this time of year, and it happens in the autumn and the spring. The windows are open because the weather is so nice.

Sure. And I got a neighbor two doors down who is, uh, jerking off very loudly. Jesus. Wait, this guy's plucking the piccolo with the windows open? Yes. Holy shit. Okay, back us up.

Back us way up. Back it all way up. Lars, I'm sorry I have to do this. I need an impression on the noises. Because some folks, of course, none of us, have found a way to pleasure oneself. without being loud or noisy And also I want to I want to

This is this is getting graphic So not safe for kids Turn turn it down parents Now is it the sounds Of skin on skin Or is it Or is it grunts dude Is it grunts?

Are you hearing like Ugh Yeah Yeah I would Oh my God I would I would pay money

if it was just grunts. Oh, my God. First of all, I'm sorry, but walk us through this. You know what? Run us through this. It sounds like a skin on skin situation. Oh, my God. Oh, yeah.

It is not a skin on skin situation. Thank God. Thank God. It is not a grunting situation. Also, it's not a porn situation. He's not listening to a pornography loudly. It's what I've come, my wife and I have come to call screamstervating. Screamster, baby.

Oh, my God. Now I'm a little scared. Yeah, so there's this, you guys are probably familiar with this. There's a, when you're doing that, there's this part right at the end that kind of gets kind of wild. Wait, wait, back up. I didn't understand what you said. We're familiar with what now? You're familiar with pleasuring yourself and right towards the end.

Steve is for sure. Never done it. Never done it. Yeah. That's a sand. That's a sand. That's a sand to pledge you a sale. It's a sand, Stephen. How dare you scream when you pleasure yourself?

You're a filthy boy, Stephen. Oh, no. Sorry. You just heard what Stephen does. I've read enough books to I understand what the finishing is usually like. I'll cop to it. Yeah, I've dabbled. I've dabbled.

I've never screamed. Never screamed. Yeah. What is happening at the end there, Lars? Yeah, yeah, Lars. Let's hear it. So at the end, I knew I wasn't going to get away without doing an impression. It does vary, but it is always loud, and it is always distressing.

Oh, God. So I'll be, you know, standing in the backyard. And I'm not going to do this at volume because I'll scare my cats. Well, he's doing it. Your cats have already heard it. I think we need it at volume. You can scale it down. Steve, don't let them off the hook, Steve.

Yeah, no, you're right. We want this at volume. Let the cats, give the cats and sardines. Put the phone down, like, farther away and then give us your best. And if this guy hears you mimicking him, I think we're beginning to solve the problem. Yeah, that's right. I always, I'm always going to give it to us. We're both classically trained.

We're going to be taking notes. Give us the sound of your hearing. Yeah. Oh, Christ almighty. What the fuck is this timeline? I'm about to do this. We love you, brother. We love you.

Yeah. This is a safe place. It's the ultimate timeline, brother. You know, I'll be standing in the backyard in the afternoon, and it's not unusual for me to hear. Oh, the third one really brought it home. First of all, no notes on the acting performance, the line. Great performance.

You got it. I'm giving you at least a 9.3. out of 10 and then what you did was two scary ones and then ending with the pleasure yeah which was perfect now Lars let's just you know to play devil's advocate here why advocate

for the devil well no I'm just saying maybe this is the devil's advocate I'm just saying like as a as a detective professional detective you want to rule out everything else could this guy because when I hear a sound like that you know that could be a person

who maybe has too much dairy in his diet and has a hard time passing a number two like maybe maybe he's on the toilet and this is it like how i mean like i'm with you that my first instinct would be to say this guy's a pluckin the pickleow however i think we need to rule some things out like symphony for one well what if he's doing like a long hold yoga pose some some of those yogas were you like holding for five minutes can i give you another variant yeah we give me a b side because this this happened a couple days video. I've never heard this particular variant. It was like this.

Oh, wow. Sounds like a Buick trying to turn over. So, okay. So this guy. Yeah, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's sexual, Steve. That's sexual. We're in a sexual realm right now and you have to accept it. Okay. Yeah. So you called the right people. Uh, Eric, I, uh, we moonlight as, uh, sexual therapist. So this. Well, and also like, we get a lot of paranormal.

calls. We love these calls just as much or more. So if people have these kind, please by all means call it. Because already this feels easier for us than somebody dealing with a ghost or an energy vampire. Okay. So, and I want to get deeply involved. So what I'm getting out of this, if this, I mean like, in theory, most people when they are pleasuring themselves skin on skin style, Steve, will try to be covert. It's not, it's like, it's like a fart. You don't go like, you're not like at a coffee shop, you know, a hipster coffee shop in Baltimore. You're going, hey, everybody, they pass gas, it was me.

That's not a thing that happens unless you are a true weirdo, which God bless, respect to you. We might be dancing with a true weirdo here. I think we might be dancing with an exhibitionist. This to me has all the hallmarks of exhibition. If you are opening the window and you are

audibly grunting that loud, my thinking is this guy wants people to hear it. I was really open that's not the cake Okay well Steve don't we need to hear about the guy This is a neighbor

There is a shared common area of a courtyard Tell us everything about the guy About your neighbor what you know about him And I'm sure hoping we have a phone number on him Because my first instinct is we need to give him a ringing ding ding ding anonymously So tell us about this neighbor And I use that term very loosely

Okay So he's a very nice guy He's all smiles every time I see him Just like serial killers. Yeah. Yep. Ted buddy. Domber, help me on my groceries.

Yeah. I can't get the phone. I was trying to advance in a record deal. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This fits the profile of a weirdo even more. It sure does. He's a working fellow. He works evenings.

Boy, also. And I only know that because I pass him in his work. I pass him in his work uniform as I'm coming home from work and he's going to work. And what kind of work is it? What's the work uniform? without giving you specific. Sounds like he works with his hands. I'm just kidding.

Yes. If I had to guess, I would say security guard. That's kind of what the uniform looks like. Oh, man. This is a guy you don't want to fuck with. I mean, honestly, like, I'm a big fan of harmony, especially in my home environment. And, like, to dis, you know, you don't want to get into like a war with a neighbor.

Right. Like, you're not looking to be confrontational. Well, there's no way. This is not like, hey, you had a party. and you're playing credence at 2.30 a.m. Yeah. This is, you got a boatload of issues going on, and especially he's a security guard.

He's grunting. Like, this could be a dangerous situation. I, you know, I think the path of least resistance here in the least, like, confrontation here would be to slip an anonymous note. Like, like, hey, friend. Hey, neighbor, we hear you playing the skin flu quite loudly. And while I'm a, you know, patron of the arts, I sure would appreciate, you know, maybe close in the window or biting a pillow or something.

But what if this guy's got a camera and we, because I think this is a disturbed individual potentially. If this guy's got cameras around his apartment, Steve, this could be scary to leave a note, I think. Yeah, you're not wrong. Let me ask you, do you have a way to get this guy's phone number? The only way I would get his phone number is if I were just to ask. Okay, we don't want to do that. Because my first instinct, Steve, we get a burner phone and we call this guy. And we tell him, you're creeping out a whole courtyard.

You're creeping out the apartment complex. This is Baltimore, the city of Babe Ruth, the Orioles, Edgar Allan Poe, and Cal Ripkin's streak. Not allowed, pal. Look. Not allowed. I love the play. However, I think it's going to be tough to get the guy's phone number without having a name. You know, you can get any phone number, but like.

Well, do you have the mailboxes? with people's names on it. Oh, interesting. There are no mailbox with people names. They're Rojoin. So there's like everything, all of that's upside.

And also one more wrinkle before we get too much further in. There is a bit of a language barrier. Okay. Okay. Okay. I'm going to assume he's Belgian. Shoot.

Could be. Fuck. Well, no. That's the whole thing. Belgian guys come over here and jack it loudly. It's just a, it's a thing. It's a known thing. It's a known thing, man.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's definitely. You wouldn't have to do Belgium, but it could be Belgium. I think we have to then get someone that doesn't live in the apartment complex that isn't connected with you, potentially wearing a KN95 mask to drop the note anonymously. Because if this were a normal guy, he'd be mortified and be like, oh, my God, I can't believe I got caught. Or maybe he's having a bout of IBS or he's doing some kind of competitive. of yoga.

But whatever it is, the sound is creepy people off and I want to stop. I also want to admit to something here, I feel the need for full disclosure. One of my favorite

bits to do to Steve to really get it. We were once at a screening and the projector broke down. Literally died. And it's just, I'm a child. So the projector,

we're completely in the dark. The projector's broke for five minutes and so I just went, uh, Eric started moaning. We were highest kinds. I died laughing so hard

that I was. I don't know if I've ever been in that much physical pain. I could not catch my breath. I thought I was going to die from lack of oxygen. There's something about a well-time moan in a public place that I don't know. I wish you didn't have me laugh so much, Lars. No, I know. I'm not a mature man.

I'm not. I'm sorry, Lars. Eric, you know, going back to our improvisational training, is this a yes-and situation where when good old spring rolls around people are cracking that window? What if you beat him at his own game? Oh, no pun intended. We have cats, Steve. We have cats in Lars' apartment.

We don't want to scare him. But you're talking about just everybody starts making Jain noises. If you could coordinate all your neighbors to start making loud moans like I just demonstrated, when he does it, I think he'd be so flummoxed and confused. One, he'd know he's caught. And two, if you have a bunch of other people, exhibitionist or no, moaning back, I think it might stop him. Like, I, because I actually think that if he,

heard someone else doing what he was doing? He'd be like, oh shit, can people hear me do that? And Lars, we know you can do the sound really goddamn well. Yeah, Lars, you're the Daniel Bay-Lewis. I'm sorry, you're crossed a bear. Yeah. Is there an option that's maybe

less confrontational, that's a little bit funnier, that maybe won't make him so mad? Like, what if we played, everybody agrees to play celebratory fanfare music? I don't know. There's something silly to let them know. You know, that is so, what, I mean, that is such a good idea.

I love that idea so much. Natalie, that's awesome. What if you had, like, a speaker next to your window, and when he finishes, he does his big grand finale, you play, like, an audio clip of, like. You sexy motherfucker. Yeah, yeah. Or just like that.

Queens, we are the champions at an ear splitting level. Yeah, or like, or like, you know, even just like an audience, like a giant, like, you know, a sound clip of an audience clapping. Bravo, bravo, bravo. It's just, who, ooh, yeah. Natalie, I think you just gave a great solution. Yeah, I think that's so good. I think that's pretty good. I don't know

why, but as soon as you said, play something, I thought of all you need is love because it has that French fanfare at the beginning. Oh, yes. Are you kidding? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And all he needs is love. It's self-love and still love, Steve. Yeah, I mean, look, I think, I think, I

that's such a great call, Natalie, because I think, like, being sort of like, reflexively funny about it like actually like you know you know and like he'll probably get i mean like unless he's pretty dense i think he's gonna get what you're doing right i would think so although i don't know man like i i like it and i want to try that however his windows are open and he's screaming at the top of his lungs there's no way he doesn't know right like i don't know it might be part of what's It might be part of what's floating his boat down the street.

The exhibition. I mean, look, look, without being confrontational, I still think, like, Natalie suggests him about playing something is probably the opening gambit to this thing. It's a good step, one. But then after that, I would think about having somebody show up unconnected, or you know when he's not home, but just in case there's a secret camera,

somebody unconnected to the apartment, a friend of yours that can wear a mask and drop off a note anonymously. And you can phrase it like, hey, we have kids in this courtyard. We have cats in this courtyard. Yeah. It is so loud.

We want you to be able to do whatever you want, the privacy of your own home. This is still a free country, but we don't want to hear it. Yeah. And we say this with love. I'm sure it's an oversight on your part, but we'd love for you to not do this again.

And you can have a friend drop it off. I'm sure they'll be up to it. You can kind of do it after he leaves for work. I don't know if there's a, you know, he might have a ring cam, but I think there's a way to, like, kind of toss that sucker out of view of the ring cam, tie to some marbles.

Do you want to leave a ball gag when you do it? That might get him more excited, which is really what we want. We're trying to spread happiness here. Then you have to hear him grunting through a ball gag, which, look, I don't know if you're ready for that. I mean, it's a lot better than screaming. It might be.

It's a lot better than screaming, Steve. He might adjust his volume. for the ball gag. I like this starting with the all you need is love, and we can hope that the Beatles have translated to the Belgian language, and he knows what that means. Yeah, yeah. And if that doesn't work,

I think it's time to have an anonymous friend drop off a note. And Steve and I have the kind of people that would rush it to the chance to do it. The other thing, if you can get his phone number, oh, I am happy to get a burner phone from 7-Eleven and make a call to him. Yeah. And a couple calls. Which would tie... Well, you never know.

Now, so do you have a landlord or you just own these houses out right or how does that work? That's a good question. It varies, but we own our home. I don't know his status. Okay. Yeah, and like, you know, obviously, like, you don't want to get a guy kicked out of his home. Like, you know, like, if it was like a rent... This is weird behavior, Steve.

And he's involving having people and cats listen to him, pleasure himself. Can I ask how often this is happening? Yeah, what's a storming like? So I can't tell you exactly because I am not always in the backyard or at my back window. But I can tell you that in the spring and in the autumn for the past three years, I can hear it. It probably averages once a week, I hear it. Right. It could be happening every single day.

I live in fear of this sound I would I'd be pondering moving That's how freaked out I'd be This is serial killer Yeah not only that I had like my neighbor on the other side Had someone house sitting for him

Who regularly house sits Very very nice lady And I was out there And she said by the way I almost called Called to him earlier Because it sounded like someone was in distress And I said how in distress

Were they yelling for something And she said no no It sounds like someone might be choking or something. I said, oh, was this between 3 and 4 p.m.? Oh, he's got that security belt tied around his neck. Yeah. That's the guy down there jerking off.

I had to tell this woman. God, you don't want to do that. And she's having a nice time house sitting, eating other people's food and daring and booze. And she's got to hear that sound. Yes, skin on skin action. Oh, God. John Wayne Gacy Jr. just over there putting on a show for

all of us. He's probably got clown makeup on. Oh, don't you. Steve, he does. Steve, don't run from this. I swear to God, if this guy's a clown, I'm leaving this planet. I can't take that. Steve, we need you here, brother. We need you here.

Thank you. No, thank you. I love you. I'm not doing that. No, but I bet he could have clown makeup on. Lars, what do we think here, babe? I think, like, I do think, like, let's try the soft, let's try a little soft shoe. And I think Natalie's method of playing, like, you know, all he needs is love or an audience.

like, you know, a standing ovation, which you can find online. Go to YouTube, type in, like, audience, you know, or, what do you call? Clapping, whatever. You can find that so easily. And right when he does his grand finale, his, oh, whatever that is.

One more time, Steve. Oh, no. This guy's a pro for a reason. He's a pro for a real. Oh, I made mess. You know, like, you know, like. I can't believe I just said. I'm disgusted with myself.

But I think you start doing it with that. And then if you got to go, if you got to start fighting fire with fire, I think then you go there. You do anonymous letter and then the third tier, you somehow find out his property, which on Zillow and other stuff, you can find out the names of people that own or rent properties very easily.

I've gotten stuff sent to me at my house. It's not hard to find out. Oh, man, my wife is so. good at that. Okay, put your wife on it because I swear to God, Lars, you got two giant friends now. You got 13 feet of love on your side. Yeah. I will absolutely get a burner phone and call this man.

And enjoy doing it, man. And I'll enjoy it. Eric could do a Belgian accent and speak directly to him, something that he'd understand. You know, like. Finally, right? He's just looking for meaning and understanding. He is. I mean, if we were better, we'd be like, well, let's try to find him a lady or a fella or

whatever you need. But no, this is deviant behavior. and he's involving everyone else and it's not victim-free. He's involving all of you in his crap. Yeah. And this all traces back to his bad childhood and we don't have to deal with it anymore.

It stops today. Yeah, well, and look, we don't want to kink shame anyone, you know, like, but he's hurting others. I'll kink shame once you hurt someone else. Brother, I agree. Everyone has to be consent. If he went to everyone in the courier, like,

hey, here's my deal, I'm wrestling with it. I'm going to make some noises. If I got a, assigned permission to the court you're like you know what sure we'd like to be a part of this I imagine this guy

he's got like a headset and he's like miced up he's got a lot of mic on he's like all right cool and you know crank on the old you know mixer and he's like look I think I think we got a decent plan Lars do you feel good about this

yeah I feel good about I think there's no way to feel great about this there's no way I also in terms of the letter also you can just if you do know when to get caught or, like, drop the letter with, like, the ring camera situation.

You can just drop a letter in the mail. Oh, my God. To the resident, write the address. Why did I think of that? Why am I having to recruit my friends in N95 masks? We know his address. He'll never know. Do it.

Type it. Yeah, type it or write it in your left hand and, like, block letters. He could be in. Or you cut out stuff from, if you want to fight fire at fire, cut out stuff from magazines like it's a ransom note. If I got, if someone sent me, if someone sent me a letter with, like, cut out magazine things like i would lose my mind i'd never touch it down there again honestly this man may have to quit masturbate masturbating after this yeah we're we're beginning

a campaign lars all right you've got two field generals here we're ready to an active vision but this shit the beginning of the end is today okay because i want to apologize to your cats yeah yeah that's trauma nobody wants that yeah as a father of two wonderful kittens david and uh Stephen Jr. I do feel for them. And so, like, let's nip this in the bud and do us a favor, Lars. Please get in contact and let us know how this goes. I will let you know. Just, you've been so generous.

If I could just ask one more favor. Sure, but I am to, if I am to write a letter to this man, I have been really struggling with, because I've thought of all sorts of confrontations with him, just confronting the issue. And I don't know which terms. to use. Should I use a just masturbate? Should I use a euphemism? I think especially there's a language

gap from the original Belgian where we have to just go masturbating. You can do both. You can do many. And I'm like you where I'll run through stuff a million times in my head. And I know how it can consume you. And as much fun as we're yucking it up today, I'd be going fucking crazy over this. And I

would have difficulty sleeping. I really would be, man. It's an injustice what he's doing. He's involving you in his shit Or Eric would hear that and go I don't know, maybe I should knock one off too Hey, you know what, win in Rome Win in Baltimore

I played Babe Ruth in an Otani commercial I basically Baltimore, Brennan Come on Yeah, so I do Yeah, I think, you know I think we're masturbating The term Absolutely, it's a message

And I would make me He can Google it A very formal letter Like I wouldn't be cute at all Oh, legalese. I like that. Legally. Grass text.

And I just would maybe, like, sincerely, a concerned neighbor. Although, do you, yeah, he's going to know it's a neighbor because obviously, like, so, yeah, I would say a concerned neighbor. And then your next acting exercise is when you see him out and about, he'll have no clue. You're going to have an atmosphere of joy, friendly neighbor. You don't know what he's doing. There's no way that they'll be traced to you, Lars. Don't get any tells. from the two different line reads you gave us

on the, you know, the sound he's making as he's whacking this shit. You're a good actor, so I need that acting ability when you run into this, when you run into this deviant in and around your house. Is that what you say when you come, you masturbate? I go whack this shit.

I'll be right back. I got to go whack this shit. Yeah, my hotel rooms could talk, they'd scream. Lars good luck Please like Please get back to us And let's know how this goes And if we have to go to plan B

Or you know Or plan C If neither of these work We are here for you We will not give up on you Lars No I will call this fucker Eric will call this fucker With a great Belgian accent

And like you know Get in his head We're ready We're ready baby Okay y'all Y'all are beautiful It's been Lars we love you buddy

And really helpful Thank you so much The number one ballpark I haven't been to yet, so I'm going to go very soon, and I'm hoping you're there with me with a nice, quiet courtyard as you deserve in those row houses. Yeah, let's do it. The one you haven't been, it's the best one. I know. You got to go.

And I love the, I'm Babe Ruth obsessed. I'm Otani obsessed. Baltimore's high on my list. I'll be there soon, and Lars, you're coming with me. You know that large? Come on with it. All right. It's on.

Go get to the water. Okay. All right. Thanks, guys. Hell yeah, brother. Go Wackoff, dude. It's kidding. Hello, caller.

Is this our friend? Is this our update? It is. Oh, my gosh. Please briefly tell our crew what we talked about before. And for the listener, your name and where are you calling from as well, please. Yep.

Okay. So I'm Kelsey calling back with an update from Chicago. about my trying to break up with my dance therapist. Hell yes. This is big. And you are actually our first ever caller. So to have you be our first ever update, Kelsey means the world. So Kelsey, what did you do?

Did our advice help at all? It actually was so good. But truthfully, it took me a couple weeks longer than I wanted, which is why it's taking so long to call it. I kept chickening out. And then, but anyways, the day I finally decided. decided to do it. I felt like could, like, sense, or

I felt like she could sense that it was coming, because she talks on and on and on for, like, 35 straight minutes about how life was, like, a little bit hard for her. Oh, my God. What a nightmare person. Sorry. Oh, more trauma

jumping. For 35 minutes, I'm active listening. That's why it just confirms your correct, your correct, you knew. Yeah, I mean, that is so wildly unprofessional. I can't, I can't it over it. I'm sorry, please, please. Steve's upset. Look, you've upset. She's upset. She's upset. But yeah, when she finished her like whole spiel, she said, man, I love anecdotes. And I was like, what? She was just complimenting herself. That's what that is. Oh.

This is the most needy person I've ever heard in my life. Okay. So she said, she said, I love anecdotes. Amazing. Yeah. So I was like, okay, yeah, that solidifies that this has to stop right now. Um, so I was like, okay, I just have to go for it, especially because the whole like way there I had written down my little speech, but it was harder to do because she was all like sad. So I felt bad being like, oh, yeah, well, I'm actually really good, like so good that I don't need therapy anymore. Great. Um, but I essentially said that like my whole spiel. I told her I was feeling really good. Um, and that I was ready to like, quote unquote graduate and that I have been in such a good.

place and want to use what she's taught me on my own in the real world. Oh, that's so good. You nailed it. Oh, Chelsea, 10 out of 10. That's beautiful. That is a... You feel unburdened.

I can sense there's a little bit of a grill off your back, isn't there? How did needy Nathan take this? It was good. He said a couple funny things to me. One thing that she said right after I was like, I'm done coming.

She told me that my disposition is really strong, and she's seen a strong shift in power and strength in me. So I was like, okay, feeling good. And then for the dance part of it, she had me, like, lay flat on the ground and then slowly stand up and then slowly lay back down while she played a classical acoustic instrumental version of the song shallow while she chanted

I am free of self-doubt Wait, shallow, are you talking about the joy division song? No, from a star is born, the like Lady Gaga. Oh, yeah. Oh, wow. And Kelsey, what did she chant? I will lose my mind.

She chanted, I am free of self-doubt. I am free of self-sabotage. And it was very unclear whether she was saying it's like to me to like that I would be free of self out or that she was saying it to herself. Yeah. I'm going to guess she might have made this about her.

I think, yeah. I mean, the history shows with this lady, it was all about her for sure. Like, don't you just love an anecdote? I mean, like, that is the craziest thing to say after you've just been rambling for 35 minutes. Yeah, it was kind of awesome. Actually, I was like, maybe I'll steal that line.

Yeah. No, it's pretty good. And we're going to go to the lyrics of Shala, written by Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga. Tell me something, girl. Are you happy in this modern world? Or do you need more? Is there something else you're searching for?

I'm falling. In all the good times I find myself long and for change. And in the bad times, I fear myself. Wow. It was kind of a perfect song she threw down and a perfect graduation number for you. Of course, she left the lyric, because that would be like an indictment on her. No, you handle this perfectly.

You got away clean. And what I love is I saw some people in the comments, say, I like the idea of getting out of situations by saying I'm graduating. So for all of us, let's take that into our life. You're not extricating yourself from a bad situation or an energy vampire. You're graduating. I'm going to start saying that all the time. I'm going to say that all the time.

Like, you know what I have to pay my mortgage? I say, like, you know what? I graduate from paying my mortgage. deal with the bank. Yeah, I got that from a very earnest musician who looked at me and said, you know, I've graduated from marijuana. That's good.

Yeah. Yeah. So now we get to take that wisdom and power it through all of our lives. I'm a 10-year senior intern is with graduating. Ten year. Yeah, I can't seem to pass pottery class, man. I'm doing Jim.

Again. Shop is hard, dude. Oh, that's. Damn band soft. Kelsey, we're proud of you, friend. Yeah, you did great. This makes me so happy. It's never easy to do to confront anyone, even when you're soft shoeing and, you know,

and dancing around all politely like you were. It's always difficult. So, bravo to you for the bravery. And look, it worked. Yes, it was great. The one kind of weird, well, I guess there was a couple weird things, but the most weird thing to me is as I was walking out, she called after me, you are not a failure, which is nice, but I never thought that I was.

Yeah, exactly. Like, now you're putting ideas on my brain. Like, that's kind of passive-aggressive, in my opinion. That's how certain, I'm just going to say, narcissists will kind of try to keep people enmeshed. This confirms our decision that we are going to dance away with light and love and grace. Absolutely. And then what else did she do that was weird? um just the kind of chanting um he was kind of dancing around with her shoes off as she was

she doesn't like to wear shoes because they make her feel left around good yeah yeah um but when she does wear shoes they're like six inch heels which is like kind of funny for the therapy profession i feel wow wow she has her own style she has her own style she's working through her own stuff very slowly. Yeah, yeah. I would love it if she would have pulled out the Streisand Chris Christopherson Star is born. Yeah, that would have been a better.

That would have made to re-evaluate the whole thing like, Kelsey, maybe you shouldn't leave. Yeah, and maybe you want to give you your phone number because I'll be in Chicago later in the spring and I might want to, I got some problems. I got some issues. I could dance it off. Yeah, Stephen I want to be triple threats.

We love this whole dancing thing deeply unturned. I will be honest. I'm so curious about this. Like if I found a dancing instructor, a dance therapy instructor in Omaha, I would consider doing a just for the life experience. It was good.

Like, all in all, I think it was a great experience and was, like, good to kind of learn more about myself and how to handle things. Just maybe she wasn't the right one in the end. You got what, you know, and it sounds like, you know, from our last conversation, like you got a little bit out of it, right? So it's, it's not, it was not totally a waste.

Like, you actually got some stuff out of it. So I think you got it at the right time. this is such a great ending, I think. And, man, and also, like, now you know you're capable of doing something like this, which is not easy. It doesn't matter who you are. This is not easy stuff. And this is a great thing.

This is a great thing, Kelsey. We're very happy for you. Thank you. I'm feeling good. You guys, your advice was really awesome. Hell yeah. Oh, because we're nervous because we, you know, we want to have fun and yuck it up, but we also want to give genuinely good advice.

And a lot of this, Steve and I have dipped a toe in the people-pleasing pool. and have gotten through it and we'd love to have that spread and we're so thrilled that this all ended up well for you, Kelsey. And we're forever indebted you for being our first caller ever. You'll always be the first one.

I'm honored. No, we're honored. Truly. We all feel good. All right. Well, Kelsey, you're stuck with us now, your friends. We hope we get to meet you in real life and we're just so glad that our advice was decent but even more, you just passed a major life test. You graduated and you get to take these boundaries

in the rest of your life and next time you're confronted with something like this I'll keep talking Eric, I'll go home I'll hum when you're talking and the next time you're confronted with something like this you already have those boundaries

you're not even going to need the 35-minute trauma dump you're just going to roll on through I'm the confrontation queen now look at that who knew we're here to help and we did somehow

yeah Calphi Congratulations, friend. You have a great one. Thanks for calling. Thank you. Thanks so much, guys. Bye.

Oh, we love you. Thank you. Hi. This is Hannah. Again, I feel like I killed hot takes by saying that. Some people didn't understand hot takes and what I really meant was the comments were really mean on the first hot take. And I'm hoping to bring hot takes back. And so here's my real hot take.

I think preppers are going to be the first to go in an apocalypse. And I have justification for this. A, I think that the best way to survive any situation is to have a community. And what I have noticed is that preppers are maybe not as inclined for community. And so that's evidence point number A. point B is I once had a plumber out to give me a quote for some work on my house and like through my yard because that's where the sewer pipe runs unfortunately and I was a beekeeper at the time and I had been in to see the girls earlier that day so they were a little agitated and he had just told me that he was a prepper and he was thinking about getting bees and he currently has rabbits. And I, like, told him what he should do. We go down near my lovely shippipe because it's on a hill.

And one of the bees started coming towards him, and he started flailing like he was going to lose his mind. And the bee then stung me for some god awful reason, but he could not handle a bee. And that just proves to me he's not going to be able to handle an apocalypse. lips. And then after that, he proceeded to tell me about how his meat rabbits bit him on the nipple. And I had no reason why he was telling me about being shirtless with his rabbits. So yeah, that's my hot take. I think preppers are going to be the first to go. And if you're going to prep, build your community. We're here to help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show,

please email us your question at HelpfulPod at gmail.com and if you want to watch video episodes of we're here to help, you can go to our Patreon at patreon.com slash here to help pod to see our entire catalog. We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grimm Productions,

executive producers Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter, and Natalie Hollis, Associate producer Jesse Thurston, editing mix and master by Chris Fowler. Theme song by Oliver Raleigh. The cover artwork is by James Fostike, animations by Andrew Strelecky. And if you'd like to see Gareth,

who stand up on the road, go to garethrenolds.com. Remember all of the advice, given on we're here to help, is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions. All video episodes of season one

are available now on Patreon, and season two video episodes will be available every Monday starting January 20th. Go to patreon.com forward slash here to help pod. What's going on? It's Lamorn Morris. And Hannah Simone.

And we host the mess around, a new girl rewatch podcast now on HeadGum. Now here's the thing. Every single week we chat about an episode of New Girl and we really get into it. Like we get up in there. We get up in there. You know, we reminisce about our times on set. We share behind the scenes tea. We react to rewatching episodes that we haven't seen in years. We talk about how Jake Johnson is dog. That's not true. We talk about so many memories we have of working with the biggest stars on the planet. I'm talking Prince, Taylor Swift, Olivia Rodriguez. We're just two BFFs having a good old time, okay? Sometimes we even talk to other co-stars like

Zoe Day Chanel, Jake Johnson, Max Greenfield, and Damon Wayne's Jr. And your dad. We talk to your dad on this show as well. Make sure you subscribe to the mess around wherever you get your podcasts. New episodes drop every single Tuesday.