We're Here to Help - 231: Wearing Garbage & Scooter Cooter

Episode Date: November 17, 2025

Jake and Gareth help a caller whose husband wears trash around the house. Then, they warn against the dangers of contaminated scooter seats. Plus, the follow-up to Ep 224 "Once You Pop," sponsored by Chumbawamba.See images from the episode here: http://www.heretohelppod.com/post/episode-231Want to call in? Email your question to [e-mail]: https://patreon.com/heretohelppodMERCH: heretohelppod.comINSTAGRAM: @HereToHelpPodIf you’re enjoying the show, make sure to rate We’re Here to Help 5-Stars on Apple Podcasts.Visit gemini.google/students to learn more and sign up. Terms apply.Advertise on We’re Here to Help via Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a headgum podcast. something in this intro that I'm not going to give him a chance to defend himself but I'm going to tease our friend Eric oh good I thought that's coming my way nope so long story short

there's a restaurant that he's been talking to me about that he's like how long I don't want to exaggerate but four months you don't okay right if he may be but maybe longer okay

Man, dude, I've been going. It's special. I was there years ago. It's in Atwater when I live there. Mm-hmm. It's gross. Food wasn't good. It's gross.

Man, it's dude might be top five in the city. Really? Man, they're doing some good work. Big part of the team, brother. Really? Yeah. So I'm like, do you want to go to this delicious place that we've gone to a bunch we love? No, let's go to this place.

Trust me. Bean sprouts, brother. They have bean sprouts instead of rice. Okay. You will not miss the rice. What kind of food? Chinese, of course. Of course, yeah.

It's all that guy and me eat together. Our whole relationship is finding different variations of Chinese food to eat together. I don't know how it started. He started it. He was going to say, yeah. He's the drug dealer. He said, try one of these you'll learn to fly. It's free before you know what I'm driving around every city I'm ever in going,

what's the grossest Chinese restaurant? You got eating in a corner alone going. Ew. I'm doing this. And then I'm thinking of Eric going like, they're doing a lot of good work for the team. Well, by the way, the thing is, if you misorder a Chinese restaurant, it can be, if you hit, you hit. But it can be a nightmare. It can be bad.

This place was great. gross as hell. When did you go? A week ago. Okay. I was, Garrett, during the meal, I'm looking at this guy,

wet food in front of us, unnecessarily what? Where you're like, what's the sauce? Ugh, what's the sauce? It was so dirty in there. It was just as if... Did you see the letter grade?

No. But, you know, his goofy theory when it's a seed, Now you're talking. Yeah, C's good. C's A. It was in the B to C vibes. Yeah.

It really just felt like I was in a living room of a multi-generational family that they all just live there. And then every once in a while, two weird people walked in and they went like, oh, yeah, we have to pretend this as a restaurant. What do we got? Just somebody go in the back and just put some food in front of these two men. And it was gross. and then a couple days later I was giving him hell on it obviously not letting it go

and then he said I'm there now while we were texting he's like it's funny you're texting that because I'm currently at the same restaurant I'm meeting my beautiful Jess there his wife Jess Rona who's coming on the show and I thought why would you bring a woman who's

married you don't show her these places yeah what are you doing this is your affair this is your affair is right yeah let this disgusting whole be your mistress we're like this chinese doesn't need to know about this doesn't need to know that you like this weird when you're with her go to a nicer restaurant yeah absolutely this is the peep show this is a terrible part of your personality and it's some point you have to grow out you hide this you get caught doing this you don't invite this and if you don't ever get caught it's going to kill you in it you'll die yeah yeah

yeah well it's why he needs you and people to just be like yeah get the fix get out of here yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah he's rocky and everyone in his life is that coach pollie get out of here what are you doing Well, Mickey is the coach, but it's kind of a combination of Mickey and Pauley. You know what? Unfortunately, he needs, we all want to be Mickey, but he turns us all into Pauley's. Yeah, where you're just kind of like, I was just drinking a chair next to the madness. You go like this, get out of this disgusting place, right?

And then you go like this, what am I going to do? I live in his fucking dump with you. He dragged me. Give you the beans sprouts. I'll eat the sprouts. Rice is way better. But this is how predictable this guy is. is. I was being mean to him. And I texted, it's not going to go well. Do not take this woman there.

And he's like, brother, it'll be fine. And so I texted him this as a mean joke from him. I wrote, quote, hey, Jess, here's some mushy veggies. But there's also a dead rat in the bathroom area. So if you go, look up. Also, later tonight, I'm seeing the bases from Van Halen do spoken word in Ventura to. tonight if you're interested in being healed. So I expected, you know, fuck you or something back at me, an impression of it. And here's what he go. It took a while. Then he wrote, here's the reality of what happened and you could see how close you were. Full disclosure, I ordered delivery fruit from here on Christmas and Jess and our other friend bitched and did not like it.

But they did like the eggplant and the tofu. They loved it. So I ordered that for her remembering this. She showed up, went to the bathroom, came back, and said, quote, that bathroom is not clean. Is this one of those sea-rated places you talked about on the podcast? But then she did love the eggplant and the tofu, didn't seem to eat much else, Then asked what we were doing tonight, and I said, I can't hang. I'm going with George, Reg and Riley to see the Brian Jones Massacre in Santa

Hannah. And I was just like, Eric, you can't be this predictable. It's almost the same text. And then he wrote, I wrote, ha, ha, ha, ha. And he wrote, you break. it, you buy it, which is his term to Jess, as if you married me, therefore somehow my logic is you broke the thing in the store, therefore you have to buy it. It's unfixable and you bought it.

You bought a bike to ride and guess what? It's just going to have to sit in your garage with no seat. That's the wrong logic. If you're him, it's great to have that as be your tag. It's hey man, you broke it, you bought it. I'm unchangeable. You've got to eat, sometimes eat duck bills and get food poison. Wow.

It's this. Yeah, so I wanted to share that as an intro. I love it. I obviously, I love him. That is crazy. The best. That is crazy. The reason why it's so great with Eric is because he is endlessly positive.

Yes, he's. And also probably the funniest guy I've ever met in my life. Hysterical. But is it generally? attitude it's like it's one thing to be like i got dragged to a restaurant and i'm going to be positive about it with my friend it's another thing to be like come to hell yeah and to then go when i do the joke if i'm like yeah don't go to the bathroom there's a dead rat he'll go brother i've been to a place with dead rats on the floor and i go but why and he's like man

the mooshu veggies and i'm like no you want that you want that all right let's get to the show All right, without further ado. And we were brought to you by Armrah. What happens when your health becomes the punchline? Lord knows that's happened to Gareth and myself. Our health and our bodies, we're the punchline and we're changing it. From seed oils to stress, toxins to pollutants, the modern world is screwing with our health. at the cellular level, leading to sluggishness, bloating, accelerated aging, and more.

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get your first month on us when you head to AcornsEarly.com slash Here to Help or download the Acorns Early app. That's one month free when you sign up at AcornsEarly.com slash here to help. Acorns Early card is issued by NBKC Bank. Member FDIC pursuant to license by Visa, USA, free trial for new subscribers only. Subscription fee starting for $5 per month unless canceled. Terms apply at acorns.com slash early terms. You know, life's full of those little moments when you're sending money

and it can make a big difference. So why not do that with Zell? Gareth and I send money to each other via Zelle. When we are in the hole to the other guy, the easiest way to do it is Zell. We both use it. They both know that it works. Pay and or request.

Request money. Send me some money via Zelle. Why? Because you owe to me, a little rat. Time to send me the money you owe me. My brother, the great Danny J. And I do something for each other that, to us, it's sincere and it's sweet.

We always send each other money as gifts, and we do it randomly, and we use Zell. We'll just, every once in a while, he'll get $7.50 from me with a big subject that says, You deserve it. And even though he sends me money back, I know in his heart of hearts for a moment when he saw that $7.50 on a Tuesday morning, it's seven before work, he thought, my brother loves me. And sure, when he sends me less back, do I think my brother? brother loves me less, sure, maybe a little. Whether it's a big moment or a small moment, Zell is here for you, so you can be there for them.

When it counts, send money with Zell. Hello? Hi. Hi, how are you? I'm good. How are you? Good. What's your first name? My first name is Jake. Hi, Jake. This is Joy. Hey, Joy. Gareth is here.

Hi, Gareth. Good day. he's being weird that's what we're talking about thank you we're moving on but it's now very clear right Natalie good day

joy joy you're out of your minds Joey where are you calling it from I'm calling from Pennsylvania I'm calling from Cinderella you're the sisters what city

I'm calling from Harrisburg okay you're a football fan you care about sports at all joy not NFL but I am an Alabama fan Alabama from Pennsylvania yeah walk us through how that happened my husband he's an Alabama fan so I converted is he from Alabama or is he a Pennsylvania native his family is yeah okay so you married this you married into the South huh mm-hmm what do you think about the chats and here to help. I love them. Are you talking about the ones with Bergen, everybody? Love them.

Eric's everybody. In a way. Yes, Eric is everybody. Okay, Joy, take it away. Okay, so I have a question that I think a lot of women who are married to men also just experience in our lives. My husband has a shirt that he wears after he comes home it's like a house clothes type shirt home shirt is what and he's had it refer to it as play clothes a home shirt okay he has had it for five years and it was passed down to him from his dad and so the shirt is old it's from the early 2000s i have one of these and he doesn't a pass down sorry it used to be my dad's it's a city of chicago like a hand me down City of Chicago, Mayor Daley on it from probably 1988. Wow.

I'm wearing it home exclusively. It's a home shirt. It's going to be hard for Jake to give advice on this. I think what this call is going to be, how do I keep myself from not being so insanely turned on when he's wearing a home shirt? And I'm going to say, lean into it. It's sexy and it's cool.

Let your loins do their thing. Yeah, that's why the good Lord, however you see it, made us. It's so we can make babies. The issue is that it shows. too much skin. So you're right on. No, it's, um, because it's old, it's disintegrating. And it has become shreds in the higher back.

What are we looking at here? I mean, it literally looks like he wore a shirt and a bear attacked his back. You ever see the revenant where the bear attacks Leo in the woods? Mine is not like this. Yeah, this, this is far worse than I expected. It looks like he's wearing a tie-died shirt that truthfully. had was ripped in the back. He almost looks like he's in like the thriller video.

It looks like it looks like you would see it at Fashion Week, but it would be on like a 28-year-old model. Like it's... Okay, can we see the other photos of it? Oh, the front is destroyed, too. It's like a old tie-dye. The letters are peeling off. But there's something about Jesus on it?

What did it originally say? Oh, my God. It's ridiculous. This is ridiculous. So it's the wording, it had three words. It said, think, love Jesus. but all of that is just ripped up and gone. I really need people listening to understand that this shirt,

it's more holes than shirt. You know what it looks like? It looks like a shirt that used to be something and then you found like a wild raccoon and you were transplanting it. So you threw the shirt in the raccoon cage and then the raccoon went crazy while you were driving it and left and you're like, Jesus, it destroyed the shirt. It is ravaged. It looks like it's.

been pissed on it looks like it's i'll say this it's the worst shirt i've ever seen i agree as far as wearability it is the least wearable shirt i've ever seen someone wear i will also joy take back what i said at the beginning this is not something i can relate to no i'm going to be this is not a night shirt i don't think anybody yeah and when you said joy but joy but joy you started this incorrectly. May I say that? You said most women will be able to relate to this. We're married to men. That's not accurate.

Like he's wearing garbage. He's in warfied air, yeah. He's wearing garbage. He's wearing garbage. He is wearing garbage. That's the truth. I might wear an old shirt. I don't wear garbage. Look, I thought we were going to see a couple holes. And I was He'll be like, don't love it.

Yeah, and you're like, look, this thing's got a couple years maybe left in it. You know what I mean? But this is... He's wearing garbage! He's wearing a... He's wearing a wopper-rapper. It would be better if he wore a trash bag. Agreed.

He is wearing garbage. You could literally tape 10 pieces of garbage to get a throat on his head and go like, you're wearing a fucking... You're wearing a hat now. It is an unreparable bit of damage. That shirt is history. What's this man's name? his name's Caleb

Caleb and what connection don't please don't tell us his dad gave it to him before his dad passed away please tell us there's no emotional significance is the dad still with us no I heard the popcorn call trust me it's nothing like that

hey Joy wait to hear the follow joy Joy Joy Joy Joy Joy Joy Joy you have no idea Joy Joy Joy the Colonel hadn't even popped until what we just went through. Joy, what you heard was nothing. Nothing. It was just the popcorn

didn't even call anymore. Hey, Natalie, can we put this call and that follow up on the same episode? Yeah, for sure. And then we could intro it together because Joy, you just said it up perfectly. Holy shit. It's just a different game now. So now, Joy, talk to us. Why does he wear garbage?

I don't know. It's because it's just around the house and it's him and me. so he doesn't care very much because nobody nobody would see him he doesn't even wear shorts outside the house so he he cares about what he looks like except for Caleb is pretty presentable in the real world yes very now can I ask you a question joy and this is real and this is not all men and women I'm not saying men are from Mars women are from Venus and any of that nonsense but you keeping yourself together at home how

you dress you looking a little cute are you like Like, well, I'm a slob, too, but not as bad as him. You a little flirty? None of my clothes. I get you. But when you get home, are you in like a, I'm in like my recruiter outfit? Like, I'm looking pretty good in these slaps. And you get home and you go, take them off, throw these disgusting old plaid shorts on.

Who cares? I'm going to just take this weird sheet and throw it on top of me. Are you guys the kind of couple that are around each other? You just look like slops and who cares? Are you a little flirty? I mean he is wearing that but no I if I am in house clothes it's still a presentable type shirt so you're a little cute and pants so you're looking a little cute and he looks like a garbage man he doesn't even look like a garbage man he looks like what the garbage man grabs early

I don't mean a garbage man who works for the city you mean a little man of garbage of garbage. A trashed human. He's just garbage. If he were a character, it would be garbage man. If he were a cartoon, flies would be around him. I have a quick question. If he's wearing this after he gets home to decompress,

do you guys never have, like, a surprise delivery or someone comes to the door? I thought you're going to say a different kind of surprise to the door. Do you ever have a surprise delivery? Somebody comes to the door? Got a package out of nowhere for you? Whoa. Natalie? I mean, I'll answer.

Yeah. I'll go over and answer. He'd prefer not to, but I just automatically kind of would get up and do it for him because I don't want anybody to see him. Joy, I got a pitch in that direction, too. Can I ask one question? Yeah. Is this every night he's wearing this?

It can't be. No. It's probably two times a week, though, because I have to wash this thing. If he's doing laundry, wash and dry this. And that's what I find ridiculous. My last question is, is there any, is he getting any pleasure out of how much you hate it? Or is he unironically just rocking this?

He unironically loves this thing. Amazing. All right. Go ahead, Jake. Can I ask a personal question? Yes. Pretend I'm Chuck Worley from the old school love connection. How often?

are you guys making Whooppy? Enough. Once a week? Yeah. Okay. More. Good for you guys. Good addendum, Joy.

Yeah. So Joy, Whoopie is still a part of the relationship. Does Whoopi ever occur randomly, or is it somewhat scheduled later when you're in bed and everything and that garbages off his body. Do you understand the question? Randomly. But I do understand. Yes.

You see where I'm going. Yes. Here's the thing. I actually, I'm okay with the fact that he dresses like this in the house. It doesn't, it is ridiculous. It is ridiculous. But that doesn't affect, yeah, like our life. So, but here's what I was going to say.

What if we pretended it did? Yeah. He's wearing a unfuckable shirt. What if you, one day when he's putting it on, put on an extra cute home outfit. And when he sat down next to you and did like the, hey, babe, pretty good day at work and did the, like, touching of the leg routine, you went,

You're wearing a garbage shirt. I'll tell you what does not make women go, hallelujah, garbage shirts. Holy you. And so you could say, and I did hear it, Gareth, I'm just pushing. Don't stay. But when that shirt comes on, you can do anything he wants, there's not a chance it's happening that day. Because he's wearing garbage. And then he's got to go, why am I wearing garbage?

Because it's a very easy thing to do to frame the shirt and say, you could say, hey, I know you love this shirt. Why don't we frame it for you? You have it. It's part of your life. It's connected to your dad. You love it. But let's stop putting it on the bodies that we use to pleasure each other. And let's let the garbage.

either go as garbage art or where garbage belongs and that's in a trash can. I think I like the pitch. I think he would just wear it after or like on other days. Like I don't think it would get him to throw it away. Okay. I think there's, okay, there's a couple things we could probably do. I think to what Natalie was saying is like, I think you should probably set up that a couple friends, like two friends of yours who are a couple, randomly stop over with a bottle of wine, and he gets busted in that shirt

when you're wearing a nice little outfit and then you're standing next to Trash Man. And so you don't shield him from the outside attention. You invite it. You don't tell him this, but they stop by, and then they can go. go whoa whoa what the hell is that and that can kind of spur you into sort of maybe what jake's talking about a little bit which is like hey it is pretty bad and maybe what you do is you get a replica shirt made so that when he's like you get another whatever it says like loves

Jesus, whatever the sort of Airbnb quote that's on the front of it is, you have that coming too. So you can kind of embarrass him, then you go, hey, it's kind of an unfuckable shirt to me. And then you go, I've replaced it. Let's go bury it in the yard or throw it in the landfill. Can I fit something a little bit different, Joy, on this? Yeah. Are you okay to lie? Oh, yeah.

Okay. We didn't need the O. But make it disappear. Oh, my God. You're going to make a good fellow thing? Yeah. You know what I was about to say? It's going to swim with the fishes.

But Joy, with all great mob hits, it's untraceable. Nobody knows who killed him. What I mean is next time you see that shirt in the laundry bin. Very quietly, put it in a bag. Next time you go, make it swim with the fishes. In a week, he goes, he goes, have you seen my love, light Jesus shirt? And you go, no.

He goes, it was in the laundry bag. You go, okay. Anyway, so I was watching the show. He goes, I just haven't seen it. And you go, I don't know, Caleb. He keeps looking around. It's gone. What would you like me to do?

It disappeared in the middle of the night. He's dead. Yeah. Bottom of the lake. I'm at that point. Let's do it. Let's do it, Joy. I think what I would say,

send it to Steve. On top of that, I love it. On top of that. Eric, wow. It's an unbelievable get. Wow, that's a shirt, brother. I am doing everything.

I can around that thing. This is genuinely a nice shirt. Why don't you, you also lose something. I'm missing something too. But Jake, why don't you act it out with her now so we can see how she handles it? Because this is a, this is a whopper. But Joy, would you truthfully consider doing this?

And then rather than throwing it out, what we can do is we can send it to Steve. And by sending it to Steve, it's dead. Or you could send it to either, you can just get, you could throw it out, you could send it to, we could do whatever we want with it. Yeah. But what do you think? I like it. Yeah, I think it needs to go somewhere.

Okay. So rather than, so if it really goes sideways and he's really sad, a follow. In two years, we send it back to him. But it's, you know what we could do? You could send it. And then in a year or so, if you're like, he's kind of sad. We can send it back to him framed so we can't take it out of it. the frame

right but we'll have I thought about that if we could turn it into something but I couldn't I can't think of anything garbage right I wouldn't want to take a wopper wrapper and be like let's really honor it well it's a wopper wrapper I think we should let's start with that version if you like that let's start there and then

if he is like he is ruined by this news we'll figure that out later we could probably have someone try to stitch it together like and fill the holes with some patchwork or something we've got that artist who made that weird doll with the vagina she's the real deal man she all she does is stitch work so we'll cover the holes with vaginas that that just that is i love the language of the show sometimes

Yeah, but if he is heartbroken, we can reach out to our vagina artist and see if she can maybe fill some of the major issues on the shirt. But maybe we start nuclear and you just get rid of it and it swims with the fishes. Is that where you're leaning? I think I probably will need to lean that way. I did like the idea of people coming over because I know that would bother him to be exposed. Well, you want to do a role play, see how it would go? Sure.

Okay. So I'm going to be Caleb. You're you. How aggressive is Caleb? What's his kind of vibe? I don't want to do this just for the bed. I want to actually practice. He's really chill.

I don't think, yeah, not aggressive. That's a natural character for me. Yeah, go on. That's why he's wearing. Matt. Hot tall, like 6-2, 6-3? 5-11. A little guy, okay.

Short king. Char king with wearing garbage. Short king with trash thrown. Okay. What does he call you? What does he call me? Yeah. Joy, honey.

Well, I use the, yeah, honey. Honey, okay. Hey, honey. Yeah. Have you seen my home shirt? Which one? You know, the one that my dad gave me that I wear everyone. Oh.

I haven't seen, like. Yeah. Okay. Have you seen it? Oh, I don't know. I haven't seen it recently. When did you wear it last? I think I wore it last week, but then after this weekend, I think you did the laundry, and now it's gone, but everything else was in there.

It was like, those black shorts I always wear were in there, and then, yeah, it's the only thing that I can't find. Oh, I don't know. I'll keep an eye out for it. But when you did laundry, did you see it in the laundry? Did you wash it and dry it? No, I didn't. Oh. I forgot about it.

What do you mean you forgot about it? Oh, if you did, you forgot about it. Yeah, I forgot about it. What do you mean? You forgot about it? You forgot about what? I didn't look for it when I was doing the laundry last weekend. Why would you look for one specific thing?

But when you were doing it, you've seen my clothes. I don't have a fashion model. I don't have that much. did you see it and then you know i didn't see it in there that you saw i didn't see it in there maybe it maybe it went under the bed or something instead of going in the hamper okay one i should go but one more thing i know you took the show all right jick no that's a crazy thing to say maybe it went

under the bed yeah but you pushed you pushed because she you put you is good. You, you, we put her through it. I will, I thought that was pretty good. What do you think? Joy, you and Gareth do it now. Because I honestly thought that was suspicious. Well, I have one question. All right, I'll do. I'll do. I have one question for you. Are you always doing the laundry, Joy? Does he sometimes do it? I normally do it because I love doing the laundry. Interesting answer. No, I don't know that he would believe. Yeah. All right. All right, here we go. Hey, hon. Have you seen my Jesus love shirt, the one my dad gave me? Oh, no, I haven't.

I put it in the hamper. Is it not in the closet? No, it's nowhere. Oh. Where? Oh. I'm so confused. Everything else that you washed is there.

Weird. Did you see it when you washed it? I'm I'm kind of upset because that means a lot to me my you know my dad gave it to me yeah I mean I'm gonna I'll double check for you because I know maybe maybe you just didn't see it it's honestly stressing me out a little bit so I don't know oh oh no well I'll I'll look for it

if we don't see it I don't know what happened I'm I'm it's just weird for it to not be there you didn't like this is a jump gareth I'm pushing her get her and give her every option but she was doing really good

Joy dude does he know you hate the shirt have you asked him if you can throw it away before yes yeah if that was me I would be like you hate this shirt you definitely dumped it you don't lose laundry ever before all right Natalie you do it with her let's go I mean

he's chill I'm not chill so facts so Natalie what's your pitch I think you have to like lock it in a frame I would also be really mad if someone threw away something from my parent yeah well he's passed this dad passed away dad's alive dad is alive oh okay just get him a new shirt there is no replacement I have gone online

no doesn't we mean ask dad for a new shirt that could work for Christmas for Christmas why don't we have dad go about this ask dad for three of his shirts that he has and say what he goes what are these you go these are your dad's shirts i'm getting rid of the other one and my christmas gift is i throw out the other one you know does his does his uh are his mom and dad fill together yes does his mom hate any of his dad's shirts this is great and then you get three of the shirts that his mom hate seeing his dad wear and then you can get them this is a great i

idea and then you send her three shirts that you hate from yours so he can't get mad you go i'm doing this with your mom the hate swap the hate swap that could work honestly you think if you tee it up like that then you'll be able to get it out of there calip will laugh the only other thing i think is the dad could be like Caleb let the shirt go yeah this is a i think joy this is a great idea if you engage the mom she takes a couple of his shirts you take and even if it's just one to one you just do a swap and then the mom could throw out the shirt it's her it's her husband's old one i think that would work okay um will you i think you'd be happy are you gonna call your mother-in-law or text her i can i'll text her i can you text her can you text her now

now okay great I can text her what are you going to text her um you want to just open up the phone she recently asked about Christmas gifts we wanted so I would honestly be replying to that joy open up that goddamn phone let's send the text okay let's just do this let's do the shit now I should do that yeah I'll just eat the goddamn cold slow let's not talk about If only he knew right now The lengths that this shirt was driving a show to If he knew people right now are driving to work in Greenland

Going like this, it's trash He's wearing garbage Yeah, talk to his mom, he's wearing garbage Yeah, this and then luckily Natalie came in Because you cannot throw the trash with the fish Their marriage is going to be over What are you writing to her joy? I'm going to say, hi, just a Christmas idea.

Caleb loves the shirt he got from his dad. Well, could we get... Jake, do we want her to just say, Hey, are you around for a quick chat about Christmas? I have an idea. Well, it might be hard with the Zoom with her. and it feels like it might be a situation where it's confusing. All right.

Does mother-in-law have a good sense of humor? Do you think she'll be into, like she'll think it's funny? Yeah, yeah, I think so. Yeah, I think so. Just a Christmas idea. Caleb loves a blue shirt he got from his dad. Could we get a couple more from him as a gift? Or do you want me to go more with the trade of church to hate?

Joy, it's up to you, Joy. I think maybe start there. I don't know that they need their shirt back. Okay, great. So then say, can we get a couple more and then maybe send a photo, but maybe without holes? Yes. So that she goes, oh, my God, Caleb. How long has you had this shirt again?

Since 2020, so for five years. But it's probably 20 years old. That's why it's disintegrated. Yeah. I like this. Good. Joy, thank you for the call. Thank you, Joy.

Follow up. This is going to be one. We want to know what happens on Christmas. Either way. Yeah. No, yeah. I will. This is a Christmas.

It's great for Christmas. All right, Joy. All right. Thank you. Bye. And we are brought to you by Angry Orchard. Angry Orchard Hard Cider. Welcome to Freaky Season, officially.

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28. 28. Okay. All right. You got Jake. You got Gareth. Why don't you just jump in? Tell us what's going on.

Okay. So, long story short, over the summer, my husband's uncle listed a scooter for sale and kept it at my father-in-law's house, so we saw it often. My husband drove around and jocally offered like $500 for it. Well, he accepted it, so now we have this scooter. Okay, it's a two-seater, and my husband wants me to ride with him, but the thing is, is his uncle is part of the nudist community. So he wants me to ride around on the scooter with him,

but I'm not too keen on that, especially because my husband said, because of like our weight difference, it's better if I drive it, but that would mean that my crotch would be where his, like, their ass has been. And there's not enough bleach in the world to take care of that. Oh, fuck. I just looked up for the first time. Okay, we're seeing the scooter. We've got a close-up of the seat.

Oh, Jesus Christ. Oh, I'm sorry. That's condensation. I literally thought it had. There's a coloring change. So we're looking at a scooter seat right now. I was looking because I was like, well, it's a little dewy this morning. So because I took that picture this morning.

So I didn't forget. And I was like, oh. man, there's definitely an imprint because I really didn't look like that well on the scooter before, but how long? I can see what you're saying. Oh, yeah. So it's a kind of a green black scooter. It's kind of cool. It is kind of cool.

It looks like a little polaris. A little bit of a little bit of a it's a good moped. I can't believe he got that for 500 bucks. I would have spent 500 bucks on that. This is, this is where I knew Jake was going to go. It's cool. So So have you ridden on it at all? No, I'm too scared to sit on it. How long has the scooter been in the possession of your husband?

It's been about a month, I would say, almost close to a month. But let's be real for a second, Allison. I just got to get to planet Earth for a second. So I love this setup. I think you've done a wonderful job. Your husband's uncle used to bear nut butthole on that scooter, and that is gross. especially that's gross that's gross

nobody on planet earth is going that's cool no now it's been cleaned and you're not going bare vagina on this are you you got underpants and don't know right

so we're covering up your privates I don't know it's just it's just too weird for me and like I even like looked out like oh, can I replace a seat or anything? But no, those seats cost a lot. Yeah, but Allison, how about this? Do you ever go to a restaurant?

Movie. Hold on. You ever go to a restaurant? I do. Do you ever use a fork? Is it weird to say I asked for the plastic stuff? No, that's interesting that you have. That's quite a tell.

So you never use a used fork? Oh, not just COVID, no. Okay, you know what? Then I'm wrong, because this is your thing, because I do, and guess what? It's just going in some disgusting restaurant dishwasher. It's in every slob's mouth. I think you might have just sold me in the other direction. It's gross.

Let's say we put like a bit of fabric over that. Does that help you at all? I'll tell you another thing that's gross. I went to the Russian baths in New York City. These things have been around for over 100 years. I'm just cooking and sweating. You went in the water. I went in the water.

I went in all the rooms. Just baking, Gareth. It's got old world smells in there. What were you saying, Allison? Ugh. So your thing would put a different seat cover of it? Well, a fabric, something to sort of separate it all. Is that possible?

Or are you looking for us to give you a reasonable out to never go on the scooter? Or I challenge you to smell the seat. Wrong direction. I'll give you $100 bucks if you smell the seat on video. Wrong. Allison, I'm so sorry. What?

I'm just making shit up, Gareth. I know. Tired. I know. Lock in. All right. So, Allison, are you, we want to help you.

So why don't you just bottom line the question? Yes. So I think my question is because I really don't want to ride the scooter. I would say I need some kind of out. I told him he's like, Well, let's go ticket for a ride. I'm like, no, like, I have stuff to do. We're in the house.

Or, no, we don't, like, have the helmets yet. No, we didn't change the tile over or anything. So, but he's, like, looking up what? Irrational fear of falling, equivalent to, and we've talked about this earlier, but, like, on the more important show, they used to have people who it was, like, afraid of ketchup, afraid of pickles. Have a dream one night and wake up and go, I had a nightmare where I fell off the scooter. and be like, I'm petrified.

And when you go around it, do like a weird shake where he's like, whoa, Allison is having a reaction to this scooter and go, I'm fine with you riding it. I can't go around that fucking thing. It's like a tarantula to me. Oh, that could work. I think that's, that, look, I mean, I actually was on my friend's moped and he hit a curb. And we went down and I cracked like three rib. I mean, it is no joke.

Like, so you, I don't think that's a crazy. You were on the back of the moped? Yeah. Was Luke driving? No. Allison, so I don't think that's irrational. That feels very possible. I can give you a couple other options that are in the direction of we could do, you could go for a ride.

and fake an itch after. This is interesting as hell. You could fake an it. I actually love this. And that itch, I wouldn't say itch, Alson. I would say burn.

And that burn is preventing you from doing other stuff with your partner. And maybe you're a little irritated. Maybe if you've mentioned that you don't really want to because he's nude, but you do it, and then you have an itch.

And here's what you do. You wear a skirt that day. Yeah. And you go. So you, Something from his fucking butt got into my vagina and you go, it's on fire. Yes. And he goes, what you go?

I got his fucking butt juice on me. I think if one ride can get you out forever. And then he goes later a couple days later, he's like, hey, are you awake? And he go, and he go, I got fucking scooter vagina. It still hurts. You know what scooter vagina is? Scooter Cooter. you got scooter cooter

scooter cooter means the nudist rode on a scooter their butt juice got on your cooter and it ruined it oh great now I got scooter cooter

Hank and it doesn't feel good it's uncomfortable the banging around you got I Alison this sounds like we're making a joke

I promise you this works you say you can't do it because you get scooter cooter and that means the bumping and riding whatever was on his butt irritates your vagina in a way

you either ride the scooter or you ride him and I think also if you did it even if he's like that's a rational not connected it just gives you enough

of a bridge between how weird it is to have your wife sit on your uncle's nut spot on a scooter yeah you could also just say you're afraid of getting

scooter cooter which is a real thing and it's something that scares you. You heard on a podcast these guys talking about scooter-cooker, which you did. No, I'm not saying Pigley and Moe. I'm saying weird out. It's just a slippery slope, okay. I agree.

Fine, don't mention the podcast, but just say you're afraid he getting scooter-cooter. He goes, what's scooter? You go, when you sit on a scooter that somebody's butt chooses were on, you could get an infection. Yeah, it's like putting your bearskin on a movie theater seat. Let's try this for a second. Allison, will you be you and I'm going to be your boyfriend? and can you explain to me why you don't want to ride it using Scooter Cooter? Okay.

Okay. Hey, hon, you want to go for a ride on my new scooter? I just, it's so fun. No, I really don't want to. Oh, come on. It's so fun. You have to drive because of our weight difference. Oh, but I told you, like, I don't want to.

And I found this new thing. It's called Scooter Cooter. I know it sounds crazy, but, you know, like, it's a possibility. be in, you know, where are my chances? Like, I would, I would be that one in a billion, you know? That's scooter cooter. Oh, dude. It's like, it's like, you know, where you, like, sit on a contaminated scooter.

It's common and, like, use vehicles and stuff. And it caused, like, this red itchiness. It can cause splisters. Like, no, I'm not, I don't want to go further. Like, you know, it's no from me. I'll bleach the seat. No, I don't think bleach will take care of it. Wear denim.

Dude, it is too hot in Texas to wear denim. You know that. Wear shorts. Dude, you want, it's okay. So then I have exposed legs for it to climb up. Hmm. And what does Scooter Cooter do? You just got a little bit of an itch on your cooter?

No, I say it has this rash and stuff. I know I have to go to the doctor. And then how am I going to explain to that to the doctor that I sound on a contaminated scooter with my husband? Holy shit Allison You volleyed everyone back perfectly I tried to get you in a corner and you just knocked me out That was a master class

That's how That is how you do it I mean if you do that If I'm the guy who owns If I'm your husband I don't think I've lost But I'm not asking you anymore And you know what else

There's the right amount of It's kind of endearing-ish That you're not going to push too hard because you're like, Jesus, Craig. Well, right, she's got Scooter Cooter in her head. But also, pushing hard with, I'm not taking the chance I get Scooter Cooter Cooter. As if, I wouldn't even say there's a thing. Make it seem like everybody knows what

Scooter Cooter Cooter is. It's like Scooter Cooter. I'm not getting it. Yeah. What scooter cooter? It's where you could... You ever heard of Scooter Cooter Cooter? It's how every woman knows about this. Yeah. It's a woman thing. What do you... Because women has to spread their legs, their cooters right there. It's disgusting. What do you think, Allison?

I think I work really well. I do too. I think if you're good with it, I mean, I feel like, look, it, again, you have a great foundation, which is that this, this is gross. I mean, it is gross. It's like, that is not a crazy thing to be like, I don't want to sit where your uncle's nuts were forever. I've got a question for you, Allison.

Can you really try to record this audio of the voice note in your phone? Oh, yeah, absolutely. And again, two things. One, obviously, we don't want him to know that part of it. No way. Okay? Because that, I think, is not only not what we're going for, it undercuts your argument.

And it just turned it into a joke and it's not fun then. And I think the other thing is we can't see your face. It sometimes just make sure to have a focus on your mouth, too. The less smiling, the better. Even if it feels kind of silly that you're having this conversation, get the mouth to commit with as straight a face as possible because you sold it verbally very well. It was excellent.

Yeah, that would be my downfall because I cannot lie to him. You're not lying. You know, Scooter Cooter? The thing is, the way that you were volleying it back, even if there's like a smirk, it sounds legit. Yeah, it's a crazy little conversation. So let me tell you this, Allison, for real now,

and you're not lying. Scooter Cooter is a real thing. thing and what happens is on scooter seats sometimes women can get infections because their legs are spread and the scooter the scooter germs can get near the cooter and what it can lead to is burning rash and you're talking about not to not to go at the nude but he's a nudist who knows what he was playing with i mean he could who knows what he might have that might be sticking juices were cooking in that soup. Right, and I've never met the guy, honestly, like, so I don't know what he's like.

Doesn't matter. Hey, it's, Allison, and I say this to every person I meet, it is your job to protect your cooter. Yep. Take has always said that, even at times when it is just so wrong to bring up. I get on a plane, they say, what's your seat number? I say 14D, they go to the right. go, it's your job to protect your cooter. Yep. It's become a problem, to be honest.

But I think coming from you, it'll be fine. But for Jake, we are trying to kind of make it limit. It's just, it's great that it's applicable now. It means a lot to me. Yep. Okay. Just don't get Scooter Cooter. That's the more you know.

Don't get Scooter Cooter. That is worse. The more you know for this, we should actually, Jesse, can we maybe get the star with the song, Get Steve Berg to go, don't get Scooter Cooter and play that. Absolutely. Thank you, sir. Allison, will you follow up with us? Please.

Oh, absolutely. Great. Great. All right, Allison, go get them. And then before we go, Gareth, will you give us how you think Steve Berg's will go? We'll play his right after yours, but just to take us out. Okay. Hey, careful out there.

Don't get Scooter Cooter You know what you would say? Hey, female friends of mine Or, hey, lady the planet Earth, we all know we love an adventure. So do I. I love adventures. Bottom word.

Hey, sisters, moms, daughters, aunts, whatever you are, grandmas, be careful out there, okay? It's a real jungle. That's why you don't want to get on some weirdos moped all willy-nilly. Be careful out there. You could get Scooter Cooter. do do do do the star thank you alison thanks alison

thank you thank you for you all right bye ladies out there sure there are times where i'm sure you're tempted to get in a scooter and let your hair flow in the wind while careening down an empty street hi my name is dr berg from the berg medical institute of idaho i'm here today to tell you a little bit about a new epidemic going around called Scooter Cooter. Scooter Cooter occurs when a female sits on a scooter seat. It is potentially fatal and it's a nasty little thing that you do not want. So at all cost, women, avoid getting on a scooter whenever, every time. Never do it. Don't do it. You will get Scooter Cooter. Thank you for your attention to this matter. I'll start us gears.

All right, great. Jesse, sorry, can you come back? Do you want to do, it's a two-person follow-up? Do you want to do one first, or let them in at the same time? I think we can let them in at the same time. I don't see why not. Okay, sounds good. Here you go.

Two people for you. One you've talked to and one you have not. Interesting noise. A crazy sound effect. I'll do it real quick. Natalie, will you make sure when this episode starts, it starts with all of that that just happened behind the scenes? No.

So then the audience can see. And there's something you can do about that. Then can you, so we can see if, because I'm going to talk about it a lot, so then it's just wasted time. You can see if it was a good idea to have one or two callers cut at once or separate.

Jake fighting you in the edit bathroom. I'm going to keep talking about it. You're just really making Sweet Jessie's life really hard because he's going to have to go through and cut everything. He's not going to confront, Jake. Or we're going to just put it in the show

and let the audience see that. I thought Garris' impression was perfect. I think they would enjoy that. Natalie, I mean, that's a performance-based show. Performance-based show. All right, here's your callers. Hello? Hi.

Hi. I think we've got two callers on at once and that is per Natalie. No, I'm sorry, that was per Jesse. He wanted two callers on at once. Is that right, Jesse? That's correct. Yeah. So, Jesse, will you take over for a second? Just because

you wanted two on? Could you get it a little bit set up and also so editorially it's really hard if we don't do that beginning? Go ahead, Jesse. I thought it made sense to bring them both on together because the two callers are not in conflict with each other particularly. So then, Jesse, who should we talk to first? Let's talk to Whitney

first. Hey, Whitney. Hey, how are you? Welcome to this show or welcome back to the show. Can you tell us who you are? Did you ever call this show? What's happening? Yes. So I am popcorn wife.

Oh, right. Yes, not too long ago. And you and Gareth and Elise, wonderful sweet Elise suggested popcorn drum. So if you remember. Hold on. I don't remember. Hold on. So will you, Whitney, Whitney, not Gareth, yeah.

Whitney, will you rehash what your problem was? Yes. And what our pitch actually was to you? Yes. So my husband had a really weird obsession of eating multiple bowls of popcorn a night all into the night. So three to four bowls. And he would make it very specifically, you know, with the kernels, the salt, the maker, not microwave. And it was in the bed.

It was making a mess. It was just getting everywhere. And so you guys suggested we have a media room that we're converting like a media room office to make it into a popcorn room only and to keep the popcorn in that room. You know, it's not taken away from him, but just to kind of re put where it's being at. So it's not in the bed. It's in a specific room. So that's, yeah. And great idea and concept.

very happy with the idea and I was very excited about it it's not great no it was great it was great especially for me I don't feel that I don't feel that

so I found proof the room I got a nice TV I got a couch I sent some pictures you know I try to make it comfortable but I think because he works from home in there too he's done with that room

at the end of the day honestly and it was really hard keeping him in there. I did try putting my scent in the room and my shirt and all of that. It just didn't work like I wanted to. You put your scent? Do you think he's an animal?

Exactly. You know, I was in there with him. Was that part of what we picked? We pitched scenting it of you? That's stupid. I kind of talked about that. Jake specifically told me I need to keep him in there

and I said, well, he's not a dog. But I'll try. Shakes, face, realizing he pitched that is phenomenal. That's a stupid-ass pitch. But you're scent in there like that slow man's a fucking dog. Yeah, but you chimp guy. I know, but chimp aren't smell guys. All right, let's not do that.

It was okay. It was good. All right, so you created a meteor room. You put things that smell like you in there for some reason. So while he's eating, he's like, Jesus Christ. It smells like our wife in here. I don't want to leave. I got popcorn.

My wife smells. I wanted to eat popcorn, but fucking, hey, it's disgusting. It smells like war and secret. But I have a good news on the end of it. So, you know, I don't just take one thing and then defeat, right? We keep going. When we fall down, we get back up. That's what we do here.

Is that one song about taking shots? Yeah. Yeah, sure. Yeah. That's your family song. I get knocked down. Oh, you're talking. You had no clue what you were talking about.

She was like, yeah, exactly. Oh, I thought you were talking about alcohol at first. No. So I also, I do love Chambalamba. Also, the other part of the story you might not remember is he is a brain cancer survivor. He's on dialysis. Oh, right. He has kidney failure.

Jesus Christ. Yeah, you don't go into a lot. But I reminded you in the call that I was the one calling in and you were on my side and to remember to stick the rules. So you were starting to turn. You were trying to turn again. I'm trying to turn again. So, but I, I compromised. I started to just say, you know what?

I was going to have popcorn with him and aid into the addiction. But we're going to have to set some boundaries. So one to two bowls and night max, we got to cut you off at two. Because first of all, I'm worried about your colon. I mean, it's just not healthy. Two balls of popcorn is plenty. Plenty and they're visible. And then...

What is he at the movies? Yeah, yeah. Every night? That's crazy. No, it's bad, Jake. It's really bad. He brings it on vacation. Jake, we have... He's still standing by this guy, brings it on vacation.

This fucking guy had got cancer. He got knocked down. He got back up again. Oh, God. Don't chumble one but him. Let's remember that we do have him on the call right now. Which we love. He's on the call.

That was my decision. Oh, that was your wait. So hold on, just to be clear, Natalie. Right now, there's a little. little weird transition because Chumbo Wamba's on the call but he's been listening this whole time is that correct Natalie silently

yeah okay great so what hey sir can we get your name please hey guys this is Alexan how you doing hey Lexxon hey you fucking got knocked down

and you got up again sir brav oh from us in the community you bad man Thank you. Thank you. Jake, I just want to say, as a brain cancer survivor, someone who's worked full time is a great dad and is currently on dialysis, do I not deserve popcorn at the end of the night? Do I not deserve that? Right? My king? Thank you. I think you have four buddies. Buddy. Hey, Whitney. Bye, bye. Bye, Whitney. Did you see what he did.

to me playing my hard-ass Strindism. Good Lord, Whitney. I've got to be a dad full-time. Yeah. And hey, guess what, Alexan? I'm not technically a brain cancer.

We all know something's wrong with my brain, though. There's something in there. It's not a brain. Probably worse. If I got to eat five weird things of popcorn at the end of the night, I got knocked down.

I got up again. Well, now, hold on. So I will say, first of all, Alexon, look, it's great that you're here. Thank you for being here. We don't know why Whitney put her scent in that room. We don't remember whose idea that was.

Stunk, though. That's a strange one. And I'm sorry about that, sir. Yeah, we apologize there. Is the, how are you, did, Whitney, did you tell him about this plan or did you just kind of let it play out a little bit? Good question. That's very good question. So I did tell him that, hey, I really want to support you and make a media room.

I think it would be nice to have your own special space, figuring. hobbies and he was on board but you know he didn't realize it was just going to be your dirty laundry and popcorn no he'll tell you if this is what his you speak alexon you tell him i mean what your response was to yeah they she she did um do a great job with getting the media room set up couch we had a tv soundproof the room it was great um and i was able to you know watch my movies in there at work. But it's cool. Yeah, it was hard

staying in there to eat the popcorn at night because usually the kids go down at 9-ish and after a long day. I'm not really looking to sit upright and eat popcorn. I'm looking to like lay down and keep popcorn. But tell me why

you prefer to lay down just because you're tired. Yeah. We are seeing photos of a room with little things of popcorn. We are seeing some evidence of the initial problem to sort of Remind us what got us here. I will say this.

There's not a lot of popcorn. It's just like one piece. Yeah, but the little popcorn in a bed is a lot. No, no, it's everywhere. It's not everywhere. There's one piece on the floor. There's one piece on the couch. That's one piece of popcorn.

Jake's in trouble. I'm looking at this room. You know what I'm seeing, Whitney? You're a goddamn clean freak. I would eat sushi on that carpeted floor. Jesus, God. What? Jesus, God.

What? Jake is. You're not eating sushi. off a carpet. Jake, I still have to live with her after the phone call. Whitney, you stop talking.

Alexa, I'm gone? You know what? I said, I said, Jake, I have to still live with her after this phone call. And we're going to make it work. Let me just say something to both of you before we

say anything else, okay? Just to keep everything very good. Truth is, I thought it mattered. I thought that music mattered. But does it? Bullocks. Not compared to how people matter. we'll be singing when we're winning we'll be singing i get knocked down but i get up again you're never

gonna keep me down i get knocked down but i get up again you're never going to keep me down okay he drinks a whiskey drink he drinks a vodka drink he drinks a logger drink he drinks a cider he would die at this point he has no kidney jake this song is about alcoholism yeah very much that's a lot of good alcoholism not down alice this is but now listen to whitney the other thing we've got okay truth is i thought it mattered i thought the music matter but does it boggs not compared to how people matter i eat a little bit of popcorn i eat a little bit of popcorn i eat a little bit of popcorn i eat a little bit of popcorn. That's your Chumbawamba. He's not drinking a whiskey drink, a vodka drink, a lager drink, a cider drink. He sings the songs that remind him of the good times. He sings the

songs that remind him of the better town. He gets knocked down, but he gets up again. And there's one to two kernels on the floor. And in the bed. Thank you, Gere. And in the bed. I will say I will say this to my wife's defense is that this whole process He's defending her now No it really It really has helped

Cut down The popcorn because I will Admit Although you're right Jake I'm siding with you as well I mean it's one or two kernels at most But I am doing better with Trying to

Like clean up my mess more in the morning To make it easier for And also one popcorn bowl is better than three, just generally speaking. So I think there's been, like, some benefit. I can see it. Yeah, me too. That's a hat.

That is a hat. That's a hat. Popcorn is better than three. Generally speaking. That is a hat. That is something you wear, and a flight attendant on the plane goes like this. I would agree with that. Yeah, that's really bold.

The God gets it. True to that. And then on the back, rather than we're here to help, it says chumbabwamba. Oh, my God. That's fair. I welcome the lawsuit. But, Alexan, so the question for you, sir, not a, first of all heroes wear cape, but guess what? Heroes, get knife down and get back again, that's what you did?

And popcorn is making what? For you, it makes the nights better? Why so much, though, Big Daddy? Yeah, with the medical stuff that's gone on, there are days where I just am not hungry. I don't have a big appetite. something about popcorn, it helps with the calorie intake. Like, I'm hungry for it. So it's the way to kind of, like, fill up at the end of the night.

Hold on, Whitney, Whitney, Honey, Honey. Bat in the hatch, Whitney. Get ready. Whitney, sweet. I'm busy. I'm busy. Love of my life. Yeah, yeah. Bed.

My daughter. What do you see? Grandma. Honey, bunny, honey, love of my life. The reason I wake up in the morning, kiddo. Are you not hearing what this man is seeing? I do, and that's the update. Listen, I'm sharing the bulls with him now.

Our hands romantically touch when we go in for the pieces. We watch Love is blind. We love it. It's okay, okay? I'm doing it now. I'm doing it now, okay? But he has to wash his hands after. He has to brush his teeth and then we can have our sweet nothings.

It's fine, but it just has to be one bowl a night. I think that's all asking. Now look, look. I like you a lot, Whitney. You want to know why? Because you don't back down. You get knocked down and you get up again. Jesus Christ.

All right, look, we got, we got, I think we got to a good place. It's one whiskey drink. It's one logger drink. It's popcorn in the bed. I think what, so it sounds like we ran the mile to walk the block in a good way. We've tried to, I actually be, I'll be honest, after seeing the popcorn room, it's weird. it's weird to have to go into a room alone and solitary to eat a snack

straight that's so clean that by the way of all snacks it's not a it's not a like shattering snack it's like no but that room is so clean well she likes it the clean is okay and but I do think if you're talking if you're talking about

snacks it's not like he's pounding pringles in there and they're just shattering all over the place in charge pieces of popcorn We saw two. It added character. Well, she didn't send us every picture. It added character is a wild thing to say, don't think I didn't notice. Yeah.

But it sounds like now we've come to the resolution that what we do is we limit our popcorn. To one bowl. We share our popcorn. But now he's only getting half a bowl. Hold on. But he says he doesn't. He says he doesn't. No, he makes two.

Oh, you each get a bowl. Two bowls. No, no, no. He just makes multiples. But there is another golden lining to this. The butter, golden lighting. Days from Popsmith reached out to you guys, which is, I guess, this, like, phenomenal company

that's, like, Oprah's favorite popcorn machine. Wow. And they sent us one, and it's on the way. And I laugh because I'm like, so this isn't a great solution to the problem to send me a lifetime supply of popcorn, but I appreciate it. And so, but you're very excited.

I didn't know this. I can't believe you're the Oprah popcorn. So Whitney, Or Natalie, will you guys jump in and give the proper shout out to the company right now? Yeah, he's very great. So this is Popsmith, and they make a really cool, like, on the stove popcorn maker. I know what this is. Yeah, and they have their own popcorn line.

And it will help, I think, with the stovetop mess, which I didn't show you guys, but there is a little bit of a stovetop mess that she said in a video. Okay. So first of all, thank you to Popsmith for reaching out and for doing this. Whitney, that does make it better for you a little bit? Yeah, and it's supposed to, it's like a healthy option too, and it makes a bigger batch. So he doesn't have to keep getting up and making multiple trips to make lots of bowls because his machine is very small. So this is like a one serving and it's more of a fun event.

Like we can make flavors and like we can make it a date night type thing. So kids go to bed and rather than drinking a logger drink or a wager drink or a win. whiskey drink or a cider drink. Jake, Jake, Jake, I'm actually landing the plane. Jake, no more. No more time. I'm actually landing the plane. Are you?

Yes. Because it feels like you left the cockpit a long time ago. No, I'm actually, I'm actually, I'm actually trying. Everyone's screaming on the plane. Oh, Danny boy, Danny boy, Danny boy. I'm trying to land the plane. Okay. You're just pissing the night away.

Pissing the night away. Okay, don't cry for me, next door neighbor. I'm trying to land. the plane. Rather than a whiskey drink, a vodka drink, a logger drink, a cider drink, it's one Popsmith popcorn treat. Yes. All I was trying to say.

It's just, it's the word economy. That's special. That's all I was trying to say. And can we just say that? I get knocked down. No. No, I'll talk. You, but I get up again.

Quiet. Stay down. And you're never going to keep me down. Stay down. Popsmith came in and saved this a lot, but it does now seem like now, unfortunately, Whitney, you are synonymous with popcorn, but in a great... I'm popcorn queen, and he's popcorn, for sure. And, yeah, I mean, I think it's a good thing. Can I, I think it's a great, can I ask my guy a question?

What? You're happy with this stuff? I like it. I'm happy with it. I'm happy with it. You guys do good work. You guys are doing good work. Some would say the best. Some would say the best. Some would say the best. Some would say the best. And Wendy, can I ask you a question, my lady, my queen, my popcorn queen? Yeah. Go on. Go on. Light in my eye. The reason I wake up in the morning. Come on. Are you happy with this? I'm happy. I'm satisfied. Ring the damn bell, Jake. Ring the bell.

Ding, thing. Can all four of us really quickly? Just sing. No. No. Don't do it. Oh, God. No. All right. Whitney, Alexa. Thank you for the call. Okay. Okay. Take it back. Well, you guys are a wonderful couple. Thank you guys for calling. You guys got knocked down by some serious stuff, but you guys did get up again. And you guys... Before we go, yeah. I have one last request. When it's time for him to get his kidney, because that's going to happen in March when he's eligible. We will be emailing because we're going to find this man a kidney because he's been knocked out and he needs to get back up again. Am I right, Jake? Am I right? So Whitney, do the pitch. What do we? I mean, look, we got a popcorn maker sent you.

Let's see if we can fucking find a kidney. There's plenty of them. How do we even ask? How does that happen? We just go. In March, I will send you an email and it will have all the details. What area are you in? We're in Florida, but he'll get a transplant in Birmingham, Alabama.

But a kidney can come from anywhere. So it don't matter. If any, I'm going to just throw this out now. And now is there either one of you, is there any kind of early rules or regulations? Because this could turn into the biggest chapter of the goddamn show we've ever had. Rather than the friendship game,

we might create the kidney game. Oh my God. What a wild world we're living in. We might create. Let's meet our organs. Presents, hosted by Gil Buchanan, whose kidney is the best. I'd offer mine, but it's been severely damaged. Yeah, the doctors are passing on old gillies.

Apparently, I need to find one myself. I did have a whiskey drink, a logger drink, a cider drink, and I did get back up again. I got knocked down in 1961, and I can't remember anything since. I'll tell you what, I've been through five divorces. I've been knocked down, and I've crawled up again. I've financially been knocked down by duty. I've been knocked down by Gary. Rachel financially knocked me down.

I've stopped getting up internally. Anyway, it's not about me. So Whitney, Borlaxan really fast, what is the requirements? What's the ask? I'm not saying it's going to happen. Look,

we're just a stupid old radio show with two older guys talking in the closets. It's pretty simple. They've got to do a blood test and then you just basically just have to be a match with just some genetic markers, but it's really simple for the person who wants to donate.

They just can go get labs and then they just do like a swab and it kind of goes from there. But yeah, it's not hard. It's just we need a willing participant that doesn't have a lot of crazy serious medical issues who could live with one kidney after, which you pretty much can. I mean, he's been doing it for 25 years. So, yeah, I could send all the information and I think the game would be great because the younger, the better. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, yeah, well, take easy grams. Garretelveson goes, I should probably be a contestant.

I'll say, I'll play 20. Jake, this is serious stuff, not right now. I think what we're actually, what we should do is when you know, come back on. And I'll tell you, we're going to have to obviously go through the litany of boxes that need to get checked. And I'm not kidding, we should find someone if we have a couple options who hates popcorn and see if when we get the new company. It has an effect and you stuff like. And Loxone is like, gross. It's disgusting.

And then the makeup of Hospice goes, wasted that. I don't want it back. I took a PR chance. Now the guy gets a new kidney. He ate's fucking popcorn. I ended up in Salvation Army in Florida. We tracked it. Put a tracker on it.

It'll be in a dump. But honestly, you two, call back will, I think that's a great idea. Yes. And again, thank you to Popsmith for sending that. That's awesome. Whitney, if it doesn't work and it's not, we don't do it, It is obviously, you know, we have, in reality, nothing but positive thoughts and prayers your guys as ways.

But let's do as a show and just see if we get lucky. The chances are very low from us, but it could be a lot of fun. But let's try. Yeah. And it would make you guys like epic and history. I mean, it would be pretty cool if you delivered a kidney to someone. I'm waiting. I'm going to tell you something really honest.

Sometimes I wonder why the hell we're doing this. And I go, there's a book called a prayer. There's a book called a prayer for Owen Meaney that Eric and I use as a life. Bible, that everything makes sense in the end, but we're not sure why in the middle. If we, from this community,

if there was a kidney given to the popcorn king, it makes sense why we do this show. You can die a happy man. It would be true. I would think about, on my deathbed,

I would go, I know why I got in the entertainment game. So you'd like bring, I'm just, I'm just thinking that the merch merchandise opportunity at this point. Dude. Hey, the $30 that's divided up between all of us? Me too.

I can't. We say merch all the time. We don't sell a lot. Oh, but boy, would we make merch? It's really fun. I got alex on a kidney. That's a shirt I'll wear. I got alexon.

Hey, Alexon, take my kidney. My kidney's better than theirs. Oh, yeah, there we go. That's the one. guys you two are the best this is bordering on top five of all time yeah this is big and we're not even done thank you and we're not even done if this works guys if hey if you're out there and you're like fuck it i might do this you're going to be part of this show in a way you had no idea i mean this would be something during whatever's happening the show's going to florida oh yeah this is where

the show travels that's a documentary then we're doing a live show that's a documentary. We're doing a live show there and all the money goes to the everything with the hospitals and everything. Well, we'll talk about the financials after, but I do think that no, I mean, we, this could be awesome.

This could be massive. Really could be awesome. We appreciate it, guys. We could take all the help we need. We've been through a lot. We love you guys. You make us laugh. We really appreciate it. Thank you so. We appreciate you guys. All right, guys. Bye. We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds.

If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question at helpful pod at gmail.com. And if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here To Help, you can go to our Patreon at patreon.com slash here to help pod to see our entire catalog. We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grimm Productions, executive producers Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter, and Natalie Hollis, Associate producer Jesse Thurston, editing mix and master by Chris Fawley. Theme song by Oliver Raleigh, the cover artwork is by James Fostike, animations by Andrew Strelecky. And if you'd like to see Gareth, you stand up on the road, go to garethrethrenolds.com. Remember all of the advice given on we're here to help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions. All video episodes of season one are available now on Patreon,

and season two video episodes will be available every Monday starting January 20th. Go to patreon.com forward slash here to help pod. What's going on? It's Lamarne Morris. And Hannah Simone. And we host The Mess Around, a new girl rewatch podcast now on Headgum. Now, here's the thing. Every single week, we chat about an episode of New Girl. And we really get into it.

Like, we get up in there. We get up in there. You know, we reminisce about our times on set. We share behind the scenes tea. We react to rewatching episodes that we haven't seen in years. We talk about how Jake Johnson is dog. That's not true. We talk about so many memories we have of working with the biggest stars on the planet.

I'm talking Prince, Taylor Swift, Olivia Rodrigo. We're just two BFFs having a good old time, okay? Sometimes we even talk to other co-stars like Zoe Day Chanel, Jake Johnson, Max Greenfield, and Damon Wayne's Jr. And your dad. We talk to your dad on this show as well. Make sure you subscribe to the mess around wherever you get your podcasts. New episodes drop every single. Tuesday.