We're Here to Help - 235: Rye of the Tiger & Kevin Don't Like Deli Meats

Episode Date: December 1, 2025

Jake and Gareth help a young teacher hold her own on a "Trip to the Wet Counties." Then, they do their best to dissect a cold take. Plus, the follow-up to Episode 188 "Digging Up Orville."See images from the episode here: http://www.heretohelppod.com/post/episode-235 Want to call in? Email your question to [e-mail]: https://patreon.com/heretohelppodMERCH: heretohelppod.comINSTAGRAM: @HereToHelpPodIf you’re enjoying the show, make sure to rate We’re Here to Help 5-Stars on Apple Podcasts.Advertise on We’re Here to Help via Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a headgum podcast. intro is it well we should we start up with the business or do we want to get into the yeah let's start with the business and then let's get into what you did with the nine-year-old boy today so the business is that uh the helpies are happening jake the first international helpie awards and you'll see why that attack and jesse and rob are really running it i'm very you don't do anything you're okay you don't know that if you're listening to No, I'm not. We don't do video. No, you don't know that. So we all, Natalie, Rob and Jesse and myself, we've been working pretty hard on the helpies. We're excited for everybody. All right,

here's what we need you to do. We need you guys to nominate people. So our people need to nominate people. You can send the nominations into the show email, helpful pod at gmail.com. please be clear about where they can find the call. Don't just say like, the call with the guy. Be like this episode number, second call, something like that. So it's easy for them and us to locate. I'm also a big part of this. So that starts on 12.7.

That's the deadline is 12.7. So you can start nominating right now. People have been ready to send it in. I think she's just saying the final push. Well, she's saying the more the merrier, because we do have a number of categories. Our categories are Best caller, best guest helper,

best follow-up, best animal call, best sports call, best international call, best song, and then our best picture is top call. Now, all those ones we just said

are three, nominations per except for top call which we're going to have six final nominations so you get those nominations and now send them to helpful pot at gmail.com you read those again yes we have best caller

and be clear when you send it in which category this is for best caller best guest helper best follow up best animal call best sports call best international call best song

and top call. And then so you'll nominate, you'll send in those nominations by 12-7. Then voting is going to start at we need to pick on 12-8, and that will run through 1214. And then the Helpys, the first annual International Helpie Awards, will be airing on Monday,

December 22nd. So get those in. But we're recording it Wednesday the 17th, we might end up doing it live on Patreon. We might. And I will say, I had a, I had a pitch on a way to surprise you with something. And Natalie was like, it's just, what if it's not the right surprise? I was like, yeah, you know what?

You want to know what my pitch was? Please. My pitch was flying Steve Berg to host. Oh, I would love it. Okay. I didn't know if it'd be like, if you'd be like, she was like, well, you guys are hosting it. I was like, if we got him in a little tucks, the only problem is with that idea, Gareth, is after the initial minute,

you would be cracking up and then I would have to go, but now what are we doing? That's where Natalie and I basically got. And then I'll go, great. So Steve can't host it because he doesn't know what it is either. So he's in a tux with a mic. See, to me, that still works for me. Agreed.

I think that's a relief. But then I go, so what is the show today? it's what i think the fear is that it just adds exactly what is what are we doing so now are we taking calls or what do we keep it high and tight we'll keep it high and tight so so uh so please please write in and uh nominate um and again be very clear all right so you want to talk about my nine year old buddy i want to hear i want remind the audience what's going on and then so take it away we had a caller who's named Keith and Keith is on his second marriage

he's getting married to some to a woman named Nikki and he is adorable and he wants his son to be the best man his son is nine his fear is the best man has to give a speech what are we going to do about that

part of this I pitched very early to and Keith really could not have seemed less into it that I help his son write the speech. Jake, you know, Crocko car salesman, him into agreeing that I will help his son write the speech. By the way, it was the right pitch, Gareth. And then basically I'm going to work with the kid and a friend of the family so that Keith's out of the room. So the speech is going to be a surprise for Keith. His world should. And so I'm right, so there's

a friend of his in the room who is there to sort of make the kid feel comfortable. The kid is a great kid. So how long did you meet with him today? I probably did about 40 minutes today, I'd say. And be honest, how entertaining is that 40 minutes for someone to who's going to watch it? I think where, I think, look. Because main show we're going to edit down. You ever watch a dodo video?

I don't think so. The dodo animal videos. They find an animal. It's in need of help. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. By the end. it's hopping and frolicing. Oh, he got there.

So I think we will get there. But right now we're in the like, it's okay. It's okay. I won the trust today. But what I will say is... The ladies who love you, Gareth, which there are a lot of them, they're going to like this whole... I don't have kids, but he's a wounded little boy and I'm getting them there.

This is good for the evolution of the bad boy. Hey, I got a hard to call. Hey, there's something pretty sweet about this kid. I have to say, he started off and he was like, I mean, think about being a kid, how fucking weird. Like, to be like this, and then I'm there, I was shiny. I mean, I just had moisturized. That must be so confusing.

He was like, wow. Why does that man shine? Why is he reflective? Do all stand a comedian shine? No. Literally one guy. Why can I see the ringlight in his skin? Daddy, why did your friend get so shy?

Danny, why is your friend oil? That I can't explain. Just trust him. Yeah, it's fine. I don't know. So basically, like, I worked with him and, like, you know, he was nervous. And so I just started asking little questions about the relationship. ship and then I would just pitch him little jokes and he started to kind of come out of his

shell a little bit and then I was saying well do you want to try that joke and he would be like yeah and then I would write the joke in the chat he would read it he started smiling and laughing we probably got about five jokes today give us a taste to some of these jokes um Um, okay. So, uh, okay. So, so they, he has three cats, two dogs and a turtle. And, um, I'd say, uh, so he'd be like, having Nikki move into our house has been a real pleasure. Considering we have three cats, two dogs and a turtle, that wasn't easy. That's why she sleeps in the garage. Did I say she's made our household feel better, I meant the garage.

And if we get that fourth dog, she'll be sleeping in the hammock outside. Something like that. He also, this was very cute. He's holding a little stuffed animal. Like he's... He's nervous. Yeah.

Do you have a stuffed animal of your cat? Hundreds of them. Why? They're given to me. I'm at the Arcadian Mall sometime. No, people give them to me. People, people... So, but so he has it.

So I just grab mine. I'm like, I'm like, here's a joke you could do real easy. I'm like, what's the, what's the things called? He's like, it's Lucky Bear. I'm like, three quarters of the way through the speech, you can say, you can have Lucky Bear with you and I'm like, you can be like, Lucky Bear would also like to say some stuff. And then you can just hold Lucky Bear in front of the mic, and you can start just nodding along. And I was like, the longer you do that, the funnier it gets.

Oh, you know what you could also do? You know how best men in all movies go like this? I just want to say, like, my brother really helped me out when I was going through that thing that I can't talk about here. It was a really dark period in my life. He was really there for me, bro. You know, like, there's that the best man bit where it's getting too dark. Yeah. Like, I was living out of my car.

Oh, you know, it's a good one, too. The Bachelor Party, I planned for my dad. was crazy. Crazy. That's really fun. I'm talking. Oreos. Diet Coke's.

And we stabbed a limo driver. I finished there. Just give them a chance to hit hard. But let's get to the show right now. So everybody, right into the helpies. Right into the helpies. If you want to see Gareth

and the nine-year-old boy, we're going to put it all unedited up on the Patreon. Oh, and if you want to see me in general do stand-up, buy some tickets to my shows in Seattle, Eugene, Vancouver, and Kansas City. Berg might be there. We're redoing that show in January 2nd, January 3rd. So go to gareth Reynolds.com.

And I will say garethrethrenalds.com is a Squarespace website. Love our babies. So more ado, because here comes. ads. They'll love that. Sweet Jesse here. Jake and Gareth are about to talk about a call that hasn't aired yet, but stay tuned. We're going to air the call and the follow-up as soon as we have it all finished.

Hey, everybody. We are looking for somebody in the Omaha area who knows anybody who has access to a billboard. Or anyone who works in billboards who can get one up in Omaha. In Omaha. But we are, if anybody has any access or connection or can link us to somebody who could do some sort of a billboard in an area of Omaha that is popular, we would like to do some very specific advertisement for a calendar there. So please email the show if you have any link to Billboard Sales in Omaha, Nebraska. Helpful pod at gmail.com and just put in the subject, Billboard Help. and help us, help us. Help us. Help us. Help everybody. Enjoy the show.

The holidays are almost here and if you still have names on your list, don't panic. Go to uncommon goods because it makes holiday shopping stress-free and joyful. With thousands of one-of-a-kind gifts you can't find anywhere else. They're not generic. They're fun. They're unique. You can do it. You'll discover presents that feel meaningful. meaningful and personal, never rushed or last minute. Uncommon goods looks for products that are high quality, unique, and often handmade or made in the U.S. Many are crafted by independent artists and small businesses so every gift feels special and thoughtfully chosen. My dad likes to grill and I got him a potato, sort of a cast iron potato cooker. He loves potatoes, but I mean, I'm not kidding.

He's going to lose his mind. You just put a potato in this. thing and it bakes it? I don't know, but it looks amazing. It really does. So that has something for everyone, whether it's your mom, your dad, your kids, your teenage kids, book lovers, sports fans, foodies, mixologists, gardeners, whatever you want. They've got it there at Uncommon Goods. And guess what? They give back a dollar to a non-profit of your choice. They've donated more than $3.1 million to date. So don't wait. Make this holiday the year you give something truly unforgettable to get 15% off your next gift. Go to Uncommonogoods.com. slash here to help. That's uncommongoods.com slash here to help for 15% off. Don't miss out on this

limited time offer. Uncommon goods. We're all out of the ordinary. This podcast is sponsored by Squarespace. You want to know how much we like Squarespace? Our website and Gareth Reynolds' website are both Squarespace. Why? Because it's the best way to make a website. Squarespace is there for you. My website is Squarespace. All websites I'm associated with are Squarespace. For so many reasons, they just make it easy. There's cutting edge design. You know, you start with a blueprint, and then they help you build the website. They get you towards your goals.

There's the SEO tools, that's search engine optimization. Not a lot of people know that, but I do because I'm in the Squarespace game. Let's say you want to collect donations, your fundraising. You can do that on your website. Grow your impact with built-in donation tools. They legitimize you in ways that no one else will. They've got the built-in email campaigns and marketing tools. They just make it easy to showcase your expertise

and engage with clients, with video content on your website, all the stuff that you see on these professional websites, Squarespace brings it to you. So what we need you to do is go to squarespace.com slash gill sent me for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use offer code Gil sent me to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. come on now. It's Christmas morning, and the FaceTime's hit a little different when you can't be there in person, but distance doesn't mean you have to be disconnected.1-800flowers.com

makes it easy to bridge those miles with gifts that say, I'm thinking of you. I am ordering flowers from my mother. I use 1-800 flowers, and I'll tell you, they make it so easy. A gorgeous holiday arrangement is coming her away. Let me tell you about a time when I just used 1-800 flowers. I even used our own code, which is crazy to say, but I did. It was 1,800flowers.com slash here to help. I put that in myself. I saved up for 40% off of the Christmas bestsellers. But you know what I sent it to?

A sweet woman named Pam. A sweet, beautiful angel named Pam. I sent her a little lover's gift. Something to let her know that I was thinking of her. I think she is gorgeous. I think she smells as sweet as a 1-800 flower because she is my 1-800 flower. She is as good as it gets. She just gave me a little gift of a little coffee cup with a baby monkey on it.

I said cheeky monkey. And in return, I sent her a lot of flowers from 1-800 flowers. So Pam, enjoy the sweet smell because I enjoy the sweet smell of you. I use 1-800 flowers all the time, and I'm using it this holiday season. So you're going to get a bouquet. It's going to look beautiful. It's fresh. It shows up.

I mean, really, it just makes you look good. So beat the holiday rush and save 40% off Christmas bestsellers at 1-800flowers.com slash here to help. That's 1-800flowers.com slash here to help for up to 40% off Christmas bestsellers. Hello? Hello. Hi, how are you? I'm doing good. Great. Well, welcome to the show.

You've got Jake. You've got Gareth. Can we get your name, please? I'm going to go by Vicki. Hi, fake Vicki. And fake Vicki, what city are you in or not at all? Do what? Where are you calling from? Oh, I'm from Arkansas. Okay. And people like the questions.

All right. Vicki, you're on a desert island. You're thinking about one meal the whole time. You get picked up. What's the first thing you're going to eat? I should do this with a Steve for Berg voice. I'm eating Freddy's french fries. Interesting.

Don't hate it. Don't hate it. All right, Vicki, Arkansas, French fries. What is happening? All right. So I am going on a cruise next June with my boyfriend and his parents. So that is already a little scary. Now let's talk about the alcohol part.

So I am 23 years old and I am probably just like the biggest lightweight you will ever meet. I was drinking with my boyfriend the other night and I'm telling you I was drunk after two Seagram's escapes. It was embarrassing to say the least. and so we have gotten these drink packages because my boyfriend and his parents are very heavy drinkers and I am not so I'm trying to figure out what do I need to do before June to try and prepare myself to at least I know I am not going to be as crazy as they are but I would love to not be like the first one drunk every night or and I also don't want to make myself sick. And I was also thinking, like, maybe I can do something to, like, pretend that I'm drinking. I don't know. I haven't thought that forehead. Hey, Vicki, this is a really, first of all, great job. Yep. Really clean. Really, really good setup. I'm going to pitch something

that I know people are going to say this shows about a bunch of idiots pitching stupid stuff that's irresponsible. But, Gareth, I have to pitch what I believe is the right. pitch to Vicki. I can't wait. Not the people. Sure. No, no, no. She's let us,

yes, she's got a very specific question. I'm, Vicki, I'm your weird uncle. Awesome. What you need to do is every night drink until June. This is a crazy bit of ice here, Jake. I know it is.

We're playing with alcohol fire, but you don't, okay. Here's what I mean, Vicki. Every night when you get home from work, one cocktail. Then slowly, two cocktails. On the weekends, four cocktails. What we have to do is we need to build your tolerance for June.

You're talking montage. You're talking drinks montage. I'm talking a rocky montage. Rather than working out, she's building the tolerance. We got a big fight in June on a boat. We got to start training. The only way to train, get the booze in, get the booze in, barf. Get the booze in, get the booze in.

Are you pitching any specific sort of drink? Are you saying we just go with seagrams? No, I look. Because the crews, they're probably pouring pretty decently. They're mixing weird syrups. Yes. It's very sugary. Yeah, I would say all we got to do right now is we need to shock your system and let your body know.

We're going to jump off that ship and drown in alcohol. See, it's very counter to what my advice was going to be. My advice was going to be, let's find you the weakest drink. You need to be carving up. day of to get ready for the night and you need to be going up to the bar and doing secret virgin cocktails in between my guess is the parents like to party vicky oh yeah oh yeah that's what i have heard i've met them one time so so the problem is they're probably going to be pushing pretty shots well so yeah they want to see if she's cool jakes jake's right they're probably

going to be kicking the tires, and if you want to hang, then there really is building up your tolerance is the only way. Now, is Seagram's a drink you like, or do you just not even know? Are you? How new to drinking are you? I would say I'm still pretty new. Like, usually I just go for a seagrams. Probably the most adventurous I've ever been is like a vodka and fruit punch. Like, I don't know anything. I also live in a dry county, so it's not like it's easy to go get things well that's it's I'm gonna ask you Vicky a question

that is just completely inappropriate what do you stop Gareth it's not what we're doing right now let me let me handle this let's remember what we're doing let me handle this I love you I care about you be careful you got a big special coming up in stop what are you weighing in it that's the wrong question what am I doing brother brother wrong stop you get on the scale what's the number Kierif.

Stop. What are we doing here, honey? I'll be honest. I'll be honest. Hey, this is why we did an anonymous name, okay? I'm about 150 pounds. That's good. That, now that's, okay, that just tells me that we're in the realm of Jake's pitch being possible.

So I think you do want to build, I think you do want, Jake, it's fair to know what we're working with here. I agree. I think you got a few tactics here. I like Jake's pitch of let's build the tolerance up. Because look, if you're like, I weigh 98 pounds, I'm like, don't do Jakes. But if you're saying you're anything over 125, I'm like, all right, we can... She could maybe handle it, yeah. Yeah, so I would say maybe we do the, find your drink, find a lightweight drink.

I also think you want to probably do a clear drink or a juice mix cocktail so that if you make a trip up to the bar, you can say that you pretend it's a, of cranberry vodka, but it's actually just cranberry. On top of that, I think during the day, load up on some carbs, but I also think you are going to want to have a stable foundation, which is what Jake is saying, which is just

get going. What? Hey, Vicky. Yeah. How about the night before the trip we fake food poisoning? But then she can't have fun. Yeah, she can. Because she's got such a great

attitude. I am not opposed. However, I do want to have a little bit of fun. Yeah. Okay. But because of the food poisoning, Vicki, you could only have one or two, unfortunately. How long is the, what's the duration of the cruise? It's a whole week. Wow. A whole week. You know what you could do? You could start off strong and listen, you're probably going to actually get food poisoning on a cruise anyway, but maybe halfway through if you need to take a knee for a night or two,

you say you had an ambitious trip to the crab leg station and something's not agreeing with you so you're going to take a night off and just doing water's or something like that. I got diarrhea is I got to go to the crab leg section. What's going on?

Excuse me everybody. I've got to get I'm having a colonoscopy tomorrow. So I got to do the drink where I go to the crab leg station. all night. I went to the Crabbe Lake Station one too many times. So, Vicki, I don't think we're at the point yet where we're going to ask you what you're going to do, but I do think we're at the point where I would like to hear from you.

What's kicking around in between those ears of yours? Where are you at? Yeah, so I think I am just, I'm going to have to start now. You know, the weekend is coming up. So I can, you know, make a trip out to the wet counties, you know, and so. stock up and then I guess I'm just taking a trip out to the wet counties. That's another way to say that you're going to get hammered. I'm about to take a trip out to the wet counties.

It's also another way to see you of diarrhea. I actually think it's a better way. I actually think it's a better way to say you have diarrhea. Unfortunately, my body took a trip to the wet county. Oh my goodness. Okay, so you're going to go to the wet. Yeah, you know, I'm going to go to the wet county, I guess, and dock up, get some of the goods. I don't know what I'm going to get, but I have the Internet.

Okay, so, well, no, you don't have the Internet. You got us, too. We're going to help you at that. But so, Vicky, the thing you're going is, and now are you thinking of drinking, and you want to just be a weekend party girl? Or you want to, how do you want to do it? I am a teacher. Okay.

It's big. So it would probably be mainly weekend. And, but I mean, I'm not a, you know, like I said, I am a teacher and may need to unwind a little bit during the week. Okay. Vicki, can I pitch you something? Yes. Monday through Thursday night, after dinner, I want you to have a big glass of white wine or red wine. I don't care what type.

Okay. Or you could do one of your little seagrums or you could do a white. claw. White claw might be a nice loophole. But Monday through Thursday after work, just so your body starts getting used to alcohol, guys, save the comments. The comments are going nuts. And Vicki, let's just say this.

Start slow. I almost wish, Gareth, this call was off there so we could just give the real advice, because here's the real advice. Go ahead. Monday through Thursday, just have a drink or two. What's going to happen, Vick, is you. your body's going to get used to the alcohol. Your first two nights on Wednesday, you're going to go like,

I'm smashed watching TV. I eat a whole ham sandwich and popcorn. Then by like two weeks after, you're going to go like, I think I might need two glasses of red wine. And I'll tell you this, for years of my life, I was drinking an entire bottle of red wine a night. It snuck up on me. Yeah, I did it last night.

Yes, it starts off as you go, look at me, I'm sophisticated. I'm getting a $4 bottle of wine. I'm having one glass. glass in a coffee mug. Whoa, la-di-da, look at me. Then before you know it, you're like, I'm killing bottles. Yeah. Then it's fast.

It's very true. It's fast. Then, Vicky, on the weekend, either Friday or Saturday, I want one of the nights, you take it up a notch. And you go to booze. And you go, I think we start you with vodka. And you get a really intense mixer. so you put orange juice in there you put grapefruit juice you put cranberry juice hell pick a juice babe you on seven up put seven up in there kind of a tequila sunrise could be a good starting

point too something like that we're just talking about deliciousness so your body gets used to poison in preparation for you poisoning it's just alcohol is amazing it's poison the fact that that it is. I was just saying this the other day. It was like, we as a society have gradually been like, eh, I don't know if I like this as much anymore. A certain group of society has. It might be that I'm just aging. I think you're getting older. I wouldn't say society. The people I'm talking to are my age. I mean, have I even listening to Vicky? So I think that's, I think that's a good idea, Vicky. I think, and I will say, I think probably white ones. is a pretty good starting point.

There's also the white wine spritzer, which I believe is like just club soda and wine. I might be wrong. But that's a way to water down the white wine a little bit. Because you don't need to add, like I think again, you want to build up your tolerance, but also find your little loopholes.

And you keep the water going. But I do think maybe a little wine with dinner is maybe the move. And my other question is, are we telling the boyfriend about this move in this direction? direction. Good question. I didn't mention that I was making this phone call. And I wasn't sure which way to go with that. I didn't know if I wanted to surprise him or. But don't you think he's going to be like, Jesus Christ, what's going on? No, he's a drinker. Vicki, does he drink all the time? Oh, yeah. Okay. I don't think I don't think you need to say it then. I think you're adapting. But again, let's, you got some time. So don't jump in the deep end. Let's just, let's use the ladder to get in the pool we're not doing a cannonball so i got a i got a question vicky do you want this to

be like a a lifestyle shift or do you want it to be just around the cruise like how long what how long of a runway do we need you know is it like i yeah i think mainly for the cruise but also you know there have been times when like my friends have come over and i like to host uh parties and like they'll get really drunk, and then I'm like drunk two drinks in, and I'm like, okay, well, that would back. You want to build a job, Vince, Vic, and that's okay. Yeah. Look, it's, this is not a, this is not a feel-good call, but it is a call.

No, this is not, here's what you're looking to do. You're like, I want to be a better drinker, and you've come to the right place. Gareth and I are professionals. Oh, good Lord. I mean, Jesse, Jesse, Jesse's question was adorable. Yeah. But unfortunately, Jesse, you are dealing with degenerates. Yeah.

So, Vicki. You need runway. Yeah, look, here's the thing. You got to start. Your body needs to get used to the poison. So every day, babe. The comments. And Vicki, I'll tell you what.

We'll make a promise, okay? If you stick to this plan, we want to do a follow-up and see how it's going, and we promise we're not going to read the comments. So don't even bother comment. Hey, Vicki, here's what I want to do the follow-up on this one. And here's what I would love you to do, actually. When you're doing one of the weekend nights when you're letting it rip and you are drunk, make a voice note and send it to us about how you think this call went and how your training's going.

That's great. Throughout training every once in a while. Just say who you are. Set up the thing. Talk about how soon we're getting until the cruise. Days until the cruise. Yeah, days and then where you're at. with your training, but this is a Rocky

montage, and then what we could do is we can put all of them together with the rocky theme behind it eventually as a far. Yeah. The Rye of the Tiger. The Rye of the Tiger. Now, wait. Vicki, what is the boyfriend drink?

Oh, he is a big course light person. Cool. I mean, also, I don't know if we go in that direction, but that is he could drink 30 of those. I mean, that's Berg's hole angle. Yeah. So don't be afraid to pace yourself.

If anybody out there, and I know we've got a lot of musicians, we've got the gingerbread house, we've had people send things in. If anybody wants to do a cover of Rye of the Tiger, please send it in and we put it underneath Vicki's drunk ramblades on voice notes. Maybe this will come out next April and just be a killer. Who knows? But Vicki, please follow up. up with us. Please make the voice notes. Please be, this is just for the comments. Please be safe.

Be safe. And remember, remember the disclaimer at the end of the episodes. We never said these were the right ideas. They're just simply ideas. Yeah. We're not saying we're the right guys to call, but we are guys to call. Okay? Why? Because we have microphones in our closet. Leave us alone. Okay. Thank you, Vicki. Appreciate it. Thank you. Good luck. Thank you. Bye.

Bye. Hello, everyone. It's me again. I'm drinking and on the rocks blue Hawaiian and it is really tasty and it is really tasty but only after you swallow it, and it is kind of hard to drink it because it tastes really bad. My boyfriend is walking his dog, so I'm making a voice memo because he's not here, and it's a secret. So it's going really well, I would have to say. Yeah.

Cheers. How's it going? All right. How you doing? Good. Can we get your name, please? Yeah, my name is Kevin. Kevin.

Hi, Kevin. Kevin, where are you coming from? Shout out the shark. Where are you called from Kevin? From Raleigh. Raleigh, beautiful. How old are you, bud? Almost 50.

Almost 50. What does that mean? 49? Close. Yeah. Close. Yeah. 49 this year.

I had a boy. I'm still a young guy. You're a young guy. You're a kid. Okay. Don't even tell you different. Use moisturizers. You shine up.

Well, Kevin, Jake's been asking people if they have any notes for the show. You got a show note? You got anything you think we could be doing better? Are we perfect? Where are we at? Yeah. No real notes. Nothing really.

I mean, sometimes you guys get on a tangent sometimes. It seems like you just forget the guess is even there. That's probably six times today. But usually they bring you back. Usually like Jesse or Natalie brings you back. Yep, that happened. I would say every call today that has happened. Shark, probably going to happen on this one.

Yeah, I feel it happened before we've been near the problem, to be honest. All right, Kevin, what's going on, man? Okay. So the gist of it is I don't like cold sandwiches. Like, I don't like cold meat sandwiches? I figured you're going to say that. I got to say, sometimes it's the first line of it's just, it's like, you know, they ask for a log line and a pitch, like, what is the show?

Like, you hear the log line of the cup. So I got to be eyes, I don't like cold sandwiches. Well, the issue is like, you know, it is a hot day. I don't actually, now that I'm thinking about it, I don't hate it. Okay, keep going. I like, yeah. So the issue is like if I'm camping and I'm or I'm with like a work event or extended family or something and everybody's all excited like what she we eat or what she

have for lunch and they want to order something or they get cold sandwiches once they come there and everybody's all excited eating them and I'm not getting eating it and looking at me whenever I tell them why you know I don't want to initiate it they always look that I mean like I'm a weirdo and then when I go into it more you know they never doesn't seem to justify anything they just even think I'm going to need you to go into it more yeah I don't like the talking about I don't like deli cats just like the texture of them and just like the taste of them and I just don't like it it just turns them in my stomach okay especially when it's cold you like any kind of sandwich yeah like I'll eat like a philly

cheese stick hot or like a meatball sandwich or I mean I'm on mine grilled cheese stuff like that it's just cold deli meat stuff like that I don't like or even like cold turkey and stuff and things like that like on a sandwich what about a pv and j yeah I eat a pv and j okay so you don't like cold meat you don't like cold meat that's yeah yeah I got one for you. After Thanksgiving, when there's a little extra turkey, you ever do a turkey sandwich the next day? I was trying to eat up the turkey first.

I can't just eat it cold. Wow, this is cool. So this is more of a, this is a hot take. And I feel like a seventh grader in the room going like, this is crazy. Yeah, that's how everybody acts. Yeah. And what's funny is now my extended family makes fun in me. And they're like, when we're going about to eat dinner, if it's meat or something,

like, Kevin, you can eat it right now. So, you know, before it gets cold. Don't wait. Yeah. And I've tried to get around it like on fishing trips and stuff for guys and they pull out all the stuff and they're all excited and they're like, and they're looking at me like, why aren't you eating this? So what do you do in those situations?

What do you eat? Do you have a little portable microwave that solar pan? I'll usually bring like a, I'll usually bring like, um, power bars. Now peanut butter and jelly. I usually bring my peanut butter jelly or like I'll have backups, right? have like beef jerky or trail makes it a bunch of stuff. I got to tell you, if I'm on the boat with you, if I'm on the boat with you, I'm looking at you so strange.

And you, Gareth knows me on this. Oh, Larry David. He would be what's happening. Yeah. No, there would. You go, but the beef jerky, I'm like, you can eat a slab of jerky that isn't that cold meats? It's throwing me. It's throwing me that you'll eat a bag of meat, but you won't eat a cold, same temperature meat.

It's mostly deli meat. I mean, I think I could eat a cold piece of chicken, like fried chicken. But that's about it. I think that's probably the only thing. I think we need to do hypnosis session. I really, you're, you're, look, they're your lines. We're not, we're not necessarily poking fun, but we're trying to find the thread here that is. This is the premise of the show, and Gareth and I are in a bar with you.

Before we pitch on what's happening, we're going, what's happening? Yeah. what about like like if French fries go cold would you eat them? Man I'm not looking forward to it right to.

But is it the same forward to it? They're better hot. Yeah, you have a policy with the sandwiches. I think it's like you said I think it's the mixture

of the stuff on a sandwich. I think it's like if I really, really was hungry. Hamburger from like an in and out takeout by the time you get home it's not hot anymore

if it's warm like lukewarm but not like if it got cold so if it's not cold but nothing it's just room temperature if it's room temperature I could probably handle it but I mean you're not psyched not psyched yeah wait a second the difference there is that

the meat in the burger has been cooked now if some of these deli meats were say cooked turkey melted for lack of a better term and then you got the sandwich with the meat that have been heated up like on in a pan or something prior would you eat that i probably could do it yeah so you it's uncooked meats that are not warm is gross let me ask you a question do you like sushi do you like sushi no do you like fish i'm your fried fish do you like steak tartar no do you like steak tartar no do you like

take yeah you don't like things that are uncooked right that's yeah so wait kevin what is the actual question like in those situations remember there's one note on the show yeah we just brought him into the tangent yeah we took your note and we heightened it so in those situations when there's like sandwiches involved and everybody's like where is you're eating them you know what's something i can say right don't look like such a weird i don't like an uncooked meats that are called here's a podcast I need you to hear you just said you you thought like what is happening when I said that yes but now we're more defined it you then you they go what and you go I love fried fish I'd never eat sushi I got it huh you're intermittent fasting he's gonna eat something you idiot yeah

that's in his window yeah what's in the middle if it was cooked he's gonna make a peanut and jelly sandwich no but if he's going well he's gonna eat I'm intermittent fasting why you eat peanut butter and jelly sandwich because it's peanut butter and jelly that's uh my ketosis is weird my ketosis is unique i have unique ketosis so then Kevin the specific question is is is what do you say when people say to you why aren't you eating this turkey sandwich is that correct right and then once I say I don't like cold meat you want to end right right um because then they kind of want to go into it like what you guys are talking about okay you don't want you don't want you don't want your whole life to be this conversation that we made you just do right but probably the worst

version of it ever to be honest so how about this um i have an allergy to cold meats well i mean it's a good idea i think that's allergy yeah or to the preservatives in it yeah because of the preservatives and what do you mean i get a terrible stomach cake it sucks yeah so if it's cooked there's something about and you go like this i don't even know but there's something about the once it's cooked I don't know something changes with the meat but if it's uncooked I get sick yeah I just say it's like a gluten allergy same really like messes your stomach or something yeah I just but I would say rat because here's where it's crazy Kevin this is a psychological issue and it's a fun psychological issue

so it invokes people wanting to ask questions and get to the bottom of it I'll tell you what's not a fun issue stomach issues that are physical that you don't even fully know yeah yeah you know you can easily they go uh no thanks why don't eat a turkey sandwich uh deli meats give me diarrhea oh really you go it sucks yeah but you had that warm turkey sandwich yesterday if it's cooked it's different they go that's so weird and you go rather not talk about my diarrhea on a fishing trip gentlemen just a different scapegoat i i i If you've ever had food poisoning off of a dish, it's over.

Like I will, like, I've gotten food poisoning off of things. And like, if someone is, I'm like, I will never eat that. It got ruined. If you had bad deli meats, like you got a club sandwich recently that ruined you. So you're off the deli meats. That maybe plays into the Jake pitch a little bit where it's like, if it's cooked, it's a little easier for me. I try not to.

It's not my favorite, but I, like, lost three days. I'll tell you, and I'm going to agree with Gareth in this. When we were kids, my mom used to have, we used to have, like, I don't even know what it would be now, but she'd go to this, I think, Polish deli and just get a big chunk of, like, liver, and you would scoop the liver onto saltine crackers. My dad was like that.

Yeah, we eat raw liver. That's what we, I would do that. And it was, I don't know if it was, I don't even remember. I just remember. It was just like a snack we had in my mother's house. And one day I was eating it in the kitchen. And as I was eating it, a mouse ran out on my floor. And it was so bold.

I was eating the liver. And then a mouse just runs from like under the refrigerator right at me. And I was like, ha, ha! I had a full, there was a mouse in my house moment. And then it came running around the kitchen. I'm screaming. After the chaos all settled down, my mom was like, it's a mouse, relax.

it's a hundred-year-old house. I was like, ah, ah! Never ate liver again. I mean, it sounds like a win. I would say take something like that,

but that, they're only going to make fun of you more. It's crazy to see a mouse and be like, I'm done with liver. No, I tried. So this is where I'm relating to Kevin. I'm not saying that.

I was like, as I was doing it, I saw the little mouse fur and I was like, uh, uh, ew. It's just amazing. That thing lives under my refrigerator. For that to ruin liver.

What if we did this? What if you made, there's an old story about Steve Martin when he was first famous and he got recognized all the time. He got so bored of doing it that he made little business cards that said, I met Steve Martin. I met Steve Martin and then number whatever. So it was specific. So rather than stop and talk, you would just hand the card. What if you made business cards that said, I don't eat cold meat.

It's not that interesting. Let's not spend the day talking about it. And so, and then you're like, I'm nearly 50 years old. We can't spend time talking about this. This card tells you everything you need to know. I promise if you ask more questions, it gets less and less interesting. And then a link to this podcast episode, if you need to know more, listen to. We're here to help episode 231.

They'll explain everything. I'm going to say I fell in love with that as we got into it because we're not dealing with a huge, I was going to say maybe get a shirt that says that, but we're not dealing with a huge circle. No, it's just, everyone will have them within a year. Less, and you know when it's going to happen, you're going out with guys, then it'll be a really funny thing where the guy will read it and go like, what the fuck, you giving me a business card?

And you go, I've given you a business. Oh, you want it? And I go, you're choosing to talk about the most boring thing in the world. That's like, okay. I've given you the card. And then somebody goes, what is going on? You hand them the card to, and they go, this is really weird with the cards. You go, I know, okay, ask any questions you want.

And then a minute in, you go, I warned you. You know, it's not going to happen a second time. That. You could also say, I gave you the card with the link. If you listen to the episode and you want to talk about it after, okay. But right now, let's go back to what we were just talking about. Yeah. And I'm going to have some beef jerky.

Yes, it doesn't make sense. Yes. And I'm going to have a peanut butter jelly sandwich. And yeah, my logic's all over the place. I'll eat a whole drumstick. And the person who is happening to in a, year from now, listen to this episode after receiving that card from Kevin. You're right. Kevin's logic is really weird. And moving on. Kevin, what are you thinking? I think that's funny.

I think that would be good to make a card and give it to people. Well, you could make a card so easily in cheap days. Oh, yeah. What would you put, let's figure out, Kevin, can we, will you grab a pen or something. Let's write that card together as a team. Gareth. I think the first thing we can do is when we release the episode, part of the title can be, Kevin don't like deli meats.

Which right off the bat is going to send a signal to the person that are in the right one. I think you could say something like this. Look, I don't like cold deli meats. I'll eat jerky. Maybe it's weird. Who cares? For

more, go here. Ooh. Do you think that's simple? Yeah. Kev, your thoughts? I'm thinking the Steve Martin card. So you're thinking, is like, look, I don't like

Deli meets a jerky. I know it's weird, but if you like to know more, go here. Maybe it's weird. Who cares? What are we thinking here? Yeah, I think it's worth shot. Like making a card and doing that.

You like it? Yeah. I think it works. What's it going to say? Look, I don't like deli meats. I eat jerky. Maybe that's weird. If you want to know more about that, go here.

By the way, if I got that card, I would have a laugh. But Kevin, here's the response. If they go, what does this even mean? You said, go there. Yeah. It's all there. You know, honestly, I don't know how you feel, but to me, I think it's taking something that's kind of like,

puzzling and making it funny interesting and intriguing and funny yeah okay so that so stick with what we got and then really quick let's uncle buck this for a second Kevin do you like salad yeah do you like salad with chicken on it it is warm would you eat a cooked chicken Caesar salad out of the fridge no well cooked one but how would you do that you you've I cooked chicken, then that chicken, which has been cooked, is now chopped up in... A pre-made salad, basically. Now, in a container, but you're getting it out of the fridge. So it's cold-cooked chicken.

No. No. But you'd eat a drumstick cold. Yeah, I think what it is is maybe, like, the thought of eating cold meat and turning my stomach is going to be there when I go to... Even when I pull it, knowing it was cooked before, the salad, knowing he was kicked before, the thought of that, the trauma of that before. It doesn't make sense.

It doesn't make sense. But we're getting all of this out. So everybody in his life hears this. So the questions are done. It's so funny. The day we started about how sweet Jesse, for Jesse to jump in and be like, stop. But Kevin, would you eat cold spaghetti?

Jake, with me. No. No. No. You wouldn't. So, Kevin, do you eat leftovers? When I heat it up. Yeah.

So, Kevin, what cold food do you like? I mean, like ice cream and stuff like that. That's crazy. That's freezing. What? Do you eat anything out of a refrigerator? Yeah. I mean, like pickles, vegetables, stuff like that.

I mean, do you eat anything that's not in a jar? Do you eat anything? Do you eat any protein from the refrigerator? No, unless it's heated up. We've got to let him go. Are you going to make the cards? Yeah, I think so. All right, make the cards.

You could go on, there's so many sites you can go on, make a card, send us a picture of the card. and then go out on a couple trips a lot of people have said this to me in my life after i explained my logic but who hurt you man i know who finally we know a mouse somebody hurt you while you're eating a cold thing of protein a mouse so hand them out for a little while follow up and let us know how it's going and i love this call can know it's awesome I appreciate it. Don't make the cards

until we can tell you the episode number and the episode title but I think Kevin don't like deli meats could be in the I think so too

in the header. All right dude shine on you crazy diamond take care I'm big fan of you guys All right thanks Kevin appreciate it

enjoy more meats yeah all right bye it's call is a follow-up to episode 188 digging up Orval. Hello. Hey. Hi.

Hi. What is your name? Hi. I'm Olivia. I'm from Ohio. Okay. Yeah, from Ohio. My fiance was Nick, and he's the one who really wanted to dig up the grave. Oh, my God. Olivia, a lot of backlash on this.

one. A lot of legal talk, too. Yeah, a lot of people saying like, hey, hey, that's crazy. Right. And saying it's illegal. I know it. Yeah, apparently. I brought up the topic. I mean, my friends and family listened to the pod too. And people were very split. They were either like, yes, dig it up. Check it out. It's your property. And then other people were like, he'll go to prison. Interesting. All right, O'Dog. So walk us through what the problem was again. Just do a little recap. Walk us through what we pitched. And then, hell, let us know what happened. All right. So the problem was that we have this old house and we found a headstone outside. And my fiance wanted to just dig up the grave and check it out and see if there was even a body there because he doesn't even think anyone's there. Elmer, right? And then Orville.

Orville, that's it. Okay. Pretty close. And then he also really wanted to bring the headstone inside just to preserve it. Yes, I love that. I did not want that. Oh, that's right, correct. Yes, the pitches were Jake immediately took Nick's side.

Yeah. But you guys said that we could build a little shrine. put a little table out there to have some coffee and just pay our respects to Orville pretty much. I'm going to say, in hearing what you just said, I have no idea why we got all those angry emails. Yeah, it does feel like we landed in a very rational place. Maybe we went. I thought the emails were because I was saying dig up the body, but it doesn't sound like I was saying dig up the body. Did he say dig up the body?

I think you may have said it. You got a little bit lost in the body. sauce, I think. Yeah. You hear digging. That's the name of my memoir. Yeah. Lost in the Berg sauce.

You're here digging and body and you get a little, it's... I got a little weird. Yeah, wires get a little crossed. Got a little excited. So, Doug, we, uh, what'd you end up doing? So I'm still in the process of the shrine. But, um, Nick, he kind of, he phased out the whole digging up the grave. and the grave is still against the garage, so nothing made it in the house.

He got onto new phases. He's painting things and doing whatever. But I ended up buying a stone sealer for the headstone. We haven't tried it out yet because he's a little bit cautious. He doesn't want anything to ruin the stone. He wants to preserve it. So we'll see if he ends up wanting to use that. But I ended up, there was an old stump on top of the grave.

So I dug it up and I planted a Korean lilac bush, So it should, like, bloom in the spring. And it's a really, really pretty flower. I don't know if you guys know anything about flowers, but it smells good. And then I put, oh, yeah, I put this cute little, like, white bench and chairs. It almost looks like a fairy garden chair right in front of it so then we could have coffee out there and talk. And then I bought some clay, and I'm going to make a little shrine with a candle in it and put it right next to it. So we didn't dig up the back.

What are we seeing here, babe? Well, we're seeing a very classy sort of iron or metal furniture. A very, what I would describe is like a little English tea garden almost. You've got a little table, a little kind of love seat, and then two chairs, and it's a beautiful view. And this is right next to the grave? Yeah, so right behind it, you could see that. It kind of looks like a dead stick. But it's a bush that's going to.

a flower in the spring. That's great. And there's a rock on top of it. So that rock was there too and it's a nice flat rock. So I was like, if Nick wants to keep the headstone preserved and keep it underneath the garage so it doesn't get rained on or anything, then maybe we could etch something in that flat rock. That's great. How far are we from the grave here, pal? That's on top of the grave. The stump, so that hole was a stump and the grave was like leaning against the stump. So Orville's under the bush. Okay, and now I get it. Don't you worry.

We're four feet away from a body. Don't you worry. Hey, that's all I need. So essentially, go ahead, Olivia. I was just going to say, just so everyone knows, I dug up this stump. I didn't go past, like, a foot. I didn't go six feet. I get it.

Sure. I get it. That's just, Olivia, hey, I got to tell you something about the comments. You got to view comments like a WWE wrestler. Sometimes the bad ones are good. to all of our callers when people are turning on you don't write back don't be actually a nice person i was just tired on a wednesday yeah just be andy coughman let him come out yeah don't read them

if you're a caller don't read them or have fun with them or yes or be yes enjoy it enjoy it and let's remember that at the end of the day there's a lilac bush above the body of a guy the headstone is being preserved there's a nice coffee drinking area to quote Jake, sometimes you got to run a block to run a mile to walk a block. So we got to a good place. It just,

sure, we talked about a lot of digging for a minute. But I will tell you this, Gareth, and thank you for bringing it back home. The premise of this show is you can call it. Yes. There's two guys who act like your uncles in a bar who are going to help you come up with a solution. We've had a couple cops.

You had a problem. Had a couple of pops. Your problem came in, and we got you a really nice solution. Yeah. Yeah, I agree. I was a safe space. I'm very happy with the solution. Good.

I think it looks cute. And Orville's being honored, yeah. Yes. And so I just want to say to us, bell ring. Bing, Bing, Bing, Bing, Bing. Gareth, will you give us a little bit of a beatbox bell ring? Sure. It's an impossible ask, but sure.

I agree. That's a win now. That's keep going. We got someone. That's a win now. That's a win now. That's a win now. That's a win now.

Olivia jumping. It's a hotel gets a hotel. Olivia, go. Orville. That's a win. That's a win. Thank you very much for the call. We're happy by.

I think you guys got a lovely little thing. Yeah. We appreciate you. Thanks, Olivia. Thanks, guys. Bye. Hey, guys, this is Rachel. I just got done listening to the dog tattoo episode and heard Kelsey come on and talk

about our fellow listener who is in need of a kidney. And that Grace Anatomy episode, you nailed it, Kelsey, that's called a domino transplant. And I'm happy to say that I've been part of it. one of those I donate a kidney to someone in order for my brother to get a kidney and it worked if anybody's thinking about it and isn't sure being a living donor is wonderful as long as you're healthy and you listen to your doctors living with one kidney is absolutely doable my mom my dad my eldest brother and myself have all donated and we're fine my mom donated back in the 80s and she's just doing great so if you're

considering it. Just talk to your doctors and give it a try. And I'm happy to give my information if anybody ever has any questions about what it's like being a living toner. Thanks. We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question at helpful pod at gmail.com. And if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here to Help, you can go to our Patreon at patreon.com slash here to help pod to see our entire catalog. We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grimm Productions. Executive producers Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter, and Natalie Hollis,

Associate producer Jesse Thurston, editing mix and master by Chris Fowler. The theme song by Oliver Raleigh. The cover artwork is by James Fostike, animations by Andrew Strelecki. And if you'd like to see Gareth, you stand up on the road, go to Gareth Reynolds.com. Remember all of the advice given on we're here to help is for entertainment purposes only,

and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions. All video episodes of season one are available now on Patreon, and season two video episodes will be available every Monday starting January 20th. Go to patreon.com forward slash here to help pod.