We're Here to Help - 238: Bush For Days & The Great Panty Caper (with Dax Shepard)

Episode Date: December 10, 2025

Guest Helper Dax Shepard joins Jake in-studio. Together, they help a caller whose German in-laws are prone to nudity. Then, they counsel a jealous husband whose doodle is eating his wife's underwear. Plus, an extended conversation with Jake and Dax.Cast your vote in The Helpies: https://weneedtopick.com/helpiesWant to call in? Email your question to [e-mail]: https://patreon.com/heretohelppodMERCH: heretohelppod.comINSTAGRAM: @HereToHelpPodIf you’re enjoying the show, make sure to rate We’re Here to Help 5-Stars on Apple Podcasts.Advertise on We’re Here to Help via Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hey, we're heredos. The Steve Berg-2020 calendar is here. Well, almost. It will be available for order on December 3rd at 12 p.m. Eastern Standard Time. We are doing a limited run of 500 calendars, so get yours while you can. All orders will ship December 9th, just in time for the holidays. Visit www.com.com to order. After all these years, we're here, we're here, After all these years of interviewing everybody, I mean, from fucking, you've interviewed presidents and what's your kind of takeaway? Like, because what's intimate about it is you get to spend two hours with great minds wildly. I mean, after we did ours, Cher showed up in two hours. Right, right, right, right, right. So you're like, oh, right, but that

doing, like, and I know the way you are, it's just, well, I'm doing this now, I've got to be good at it, I've got to do my research, I've got to keep up. I'm now sitting with this amazing character. I've got to keep up, I've got to do my, and once it ends, it's not a celebration,

it's, well, yeah, it's really, but I invited them. It's a really weird version of therapy that You get to, like, sit in a box where you stare at a smart mind and go, can I ask you questions about life? Yeah. Can I ask you questions about thoughts? Can I ask you questions about survival?

Yeah. And they're like, well, I'm here promoting. So I will tell you everything. Yeah, I'm an expert in this. Maybe the best in the world. And you get to go, what do you think of that? My, um, my main, main takeaway in how this experience has changed me is I will regularly have the head of the psych department from Harvard on,

talking about his theory. Yes. And I'm in. He leaves and I'm in. Yeah, that's it. Then I have a Stanford psych professor. She comes in and she's got another take on it. And I go, yeah, she's right.

And my conclusion after all this is like, there's no fucking right, man. Most things in life, like a slam dunk is like it's 65% right. Totally. We know so little about everything. I mean, almost everything. And we think we know a lot more than we do. and we're so in the discovery phase of almost everything still that it's made, I hope, me more humble in my convictions.

Yeah. And I take far less seriously a lot of these definitive statements. And I'm like, guys, we're all just kind of hoping to be above 51% right. And if you're demanding 100% right and you think anyone that's shy of 100% right is a fraud, it's just you got nobody then. That's exactly right. So that's helped me, because I'm a little too confident in my opinions or when I started eight years ago. 100%.

And now I'm like, yeah, the head of MIT said this thing, and then the head of this fucking... And they both were right. They're both right. Now, does that make you, in terms of everybody being so afraid in the world these days, does that make you feel, and not to think about them as their answer, just you as your answer? Does that make you feel safer or less safe?

The other thing we have in connection is we're not guys who inherently feel safe no no it's can i had one really cool thing though about the pocket as the gift of that thing that you have and i have yeah is i can now tell um within five minutes of someone sitting down if they have our childhood really what did the fuck yes like like the one i i remember most clearly is like machine gun kelly yeah rolled in and i was just watching him he peeped like every window he took the door he looked behind the thing all so subtle right like i know I don't think Monica's noticing that. Yeah, yeah.

Or Rob, I don't know. But I'm like, oh, yeah, he's one of us, right? Interesting. And so once I was dialed into that, he was saying, you know, Chicago's or Cleveland is my home. But I know he only lived in Cleveland for three years. Right. And I have the, Jake, the tiniest you've ever seen Smirk. Like, he says that.

And what happened in my head was I go, yeah, that's how I feel about Milford. I tell everyone, Milford's my home. because those were the best three years in my life. Yeah, totally. And so I had this invisible smirk, and he's mid-sentence, and he got distracted, and then he recovered, and he finished his sentence, and I go, hold on a second. Is it possible you just saw my mouth move, like a micron? And he goes, yeah, what happened?

And I go, I wasn't laughing at you, dude. I was connecting because I have the same thing about Milford. And he was like, okay, cool. But like to be that dialed into these. micro little things is awesome but also you are hyper aware because you need to make sure somebody's going to act the way you need them to act and that doesn't go away yeah he needs to feel really safe so i can get to know him that's the job of the day is like we we've seen them in videos we see him on tv and instagram who is he but you who have done all of this talk to bill gates for a week

fucking obama michella all these people yeah everyone's about we'll do like a quick talk about i'll bring something up and you'll be like well Hillary Clinton interesting. And I'll think we're talking in theory. Oh, right, right, right. Yeah, she is, man. You're like, well, what she said was, and I'm like, oh, he's not talking about an interview. He's talking about when he talked to her. Yeah. He shut the shield over two hours. Yeah, but when you talk to all these world leaders, there's no, like what I always thought growing up was, there's other people in this

world who are controlling the world. Totally. You're talking to all the people controlling the world. Now, you're not them. Right. But you're talking to them. So in talking to all the people, what you're saying is, is they're not experts. No. Everybody's at 51%. Yeah, there is the highest percentage of right, but the percentage is still low. And so for you, does that make you go as I'm entering the second phase of life? Yeah.

I know who's running in or circling. They don't know what the fuck they're talking about. It's funny you'd say that because I find it not scary that no one knows. I find it encouraging because we're doing pretty well, man. And as discouraging as it is, there are 7 billion people living in mostly harmony. Yeah. Which is unimaginable. That's true.

200,000 years ago when a hunter and gatherers, you couldn't get 25 people together without a murder. So it's like, okay, there's problems, but it's kind of working really well. And we don't even know anything. So wait until we know. Wait until you take that fucking you swab the baby and it goes, okay, it's neurodivergent, and this way and this way and this way. And here's the perfect program to get them across the finish line developed and and adjusted.

All these things, you know. Yeah. The reason I play more of the conspiracy stuff is I don't go in the dark rabbit holes. I don't care. But when you go to the, if nobody's controlling all this. That's why it's so scary. It's more comforting. Yes.

And then I go like this. Then how is so much weird shit happening? Yes. And they go, then I'll be freaked out and go. So this is as wild as medieval times. When I'll look back and go, that was some scary shit, man. You just had people running around. and all of a sudden, a new tribe decided to come in with swords.

And they just took over? They had a technology that you didn't, stirrups on a wars, and you're all fucking dead. And then I'd go like, that can't be the thing. Look, maybe the coolest thing I've learned in the whole eight years has been. I had this guy on Neil Feast, and he was both an oncologist and a physicist. And he explained in the most beautiful way, he said, if you look at a big pack, it's not called a pack and not a herd, but whatever big group of birds of swallows is.

Yeah. If you see it from a distance, at first you think there's one black sphere moving through the air. And then when you zoom in, you realize, oh, no, actually it's made up of individual swallows. That's what it is. But then if you look even closer at the swallow, you go, oh, it's actually not a swallow. As I look closer, it's a bunch of cells. So the cells are the thing. That's the quintessential element.

And then you look at the cells and you go, no, there's molecules in there. And then there's atoms in it. And then there's electrons. And then there's quarts. And then there's stuff. We don't know what the quintessential element of anything is. If you keep looking further and further, it's a million individual things. And so what that gives rise to is this theory of complex self-organizing systems, which your human body is.

So your body has trillions of cells in it. None of them have a game plan. They don't, there's no master cell saying, hey, you trillion cells, go do this. Magically, these cells self-organize and communicate and create this body. and he was pointing out that, like, nature just does this. If you watch an antline going to get food, the way it operates, and then you put onto that the subway exit in New York, no one's saying, I'm going to go to the left.

I'm going to go to the right. Everyone just self-organizes into this thing. And that's a weird magic. Yeah. That 150 people can mount a staircase in New York and no one falls. But you also do it at a concert when you all leave. Yes. Even before you get to the exits, everything gets really used.

And quietly, you all know where you are in the pack. So our fear is like, wait, no one's running this. Right. But if you look at like, yeah, and no one's running the exit of the big concert and everyone gets out just fine. It's like trying to have some bit of comfort and confidence and like this whole madness somehow self-organizes and works. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's scary and liberating. Yeah.

Well, I love you, man. I love you. I'm so glad you had me on. Thanks for good. I want to come back. Whenever you want, I'm never going to ask. because I know how busy you are. Yeah, yeah.

Open invite. Okay, good. The reason I didn't push earlier is I'm like, I don't want to... We should tell the listeners, we have this funny moment where we're hiking, and I, I broached it first. And I was like, you know, just so you know, I would always do your podcast. And you go, oh, my God, dude, I wanted to say the same thing to you, but you don't want to seem like you're inviting yourself. And also you want to make sure you know, yeah, dude, anytime. All right, let's take some calls.

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Hello? Can we get your name, please? Yes. My name is Heather. Heather. Where are you calling from, Heather? Calling from Germany. Live in New Orleans, but calling from Germany.

Are you in the service? No, I'm not. Husband is German, so we're here for the holidays with the family. Well, let me just tell you this, Heather. Heather, you got a special one today. You got the great Dax Shepherd from armchair and everything. A true expert and dear friend on the line. Heather. So we are going to solve

these problems. Can I please tell you all? First of all, I'm so excited, but second of all, I'm pretty sure this is the universe's way of already solving the problem. Oh, really? He's just told me to get over it. Oh, I know exactly what Dax is going to.

Before you say your problem, tell us what Dax is going to say. Yeah. Wait, Dax, come here. Take the mic out for a second. Oh, great, great, great. Hold on. I'm going to pull my earpiece. Dax is taking the earpiece off. So Heather, really quickly, how's Dax going to respond to this?

So, probably not in this harsh of terms, but I'm sure he's going to say something to the effect of, yeah, so, like, get the fuck over it, what's the problem? Okay, okay, Dax, you're good, you're good. All right, so Heather, Dax is back on. What is the issue we can help you with today? Okay, so I need help navigating German saunas, particularly with my husband's family. So he is German, yeah, he is German in his region. They love their nudity, don't they? Yes, so much.

And you know what else they love is the mixed gender nudity of it all, which is like, oh, really? And they don't grow, I don't know this. Heather, you don't possibly know me well enough to know my German sauna story, do you? Oh, not the German part. I just figured, like, the missions are new to be part, I would be. What's your German sauna thing? So I went my mother and my sweet Laurelabo.

She knew I wanted to drive on the Autobahn. And what a mom. She took me when I was 16 to Germany, my first trip to Europe, so I could drive on the Autobahn, and we were at this nice hotel, and she didn't want to come down to the pool. This is so perverted, Heather. I was 16, and she didn't want to come down to the pool. And so I went down by myself, and then I noticed there was a sauna,

and then, of course, I'm wearing a bathing suit. Then I go to the sauna and I just peek inside and I see there's like six naked people in there. Oh, my God. And I'm 16. It's a dream come true. And I'm like, oh, my God, I'm going to do this. And I fucking took my bathing suit off at 16 and went in the sauna. You wanted to.

And I was so afraid that my mom might come down to the pool, but I couldn't resist being in this pervy situation. Here's an unfortunate thing about you for the rest of us. It's clear you got to be pissed. It's 16 to have the confidence with six children. strangers, while you haven't even fully developed to go, I'm dropping my bottoms. I'll tell you what I was not doing at 16 with six adults,

maybe three adult men. Let me show you when I got cooking. In these legs. No way. Let me show you what kind of sausage I'm working with down here. You guys like brought? You guys like Bush? I got Bush. I certainly had Bush then. I got Bush for days, guys. So,

Heather. Yeah, you're in a pickle, man, with your fucking family. But I don't Rock the audience and me. So Dax understands his culture. I don't. So the Germans take saunas. They're all naked.

It's mixed gender? Jake, more than that, if you go to the park, like in Hamburg, you go to the park on a sunny day. And half of the people are bare fucking naked, full families. Is this true? They have logs out, mom's vajs out. That's not true. Twelve-year-old son's dicks out. This is not true.

Yes, right? Heather. Heather, is this true? They don't give a fuck about nudity. There's not little kids with naked parents. Okay. Okay. So, I just have to clarify, like, just off the top that, like, if you have any

German listeners, like, please don't come at me. No, no, no. Heather, who cares? I'm at Dak Shepard on Instagram. Everybody knows what the show is. But I just need a little reality trick here, Heather. Of course, of course. First of all, do people get naked like this in parks?

Okay, so I have not been privy to that part. I will say in Munich, yes, actually. There was like a swimming hole area where some of that was happening, yes. But I haven't seen it in Hamburg. Crazy. Like, God bless. And then walk me through what's happening with these sonnas. Well, can I tell Heather really quick?

I took my children to Denmark last summer, and there's a place called, like, Christylandia in Copenhagen. and it's like an anarchist community and it's along a canal and I rent this little electric boat I'm with my family they want to swim oh I'll pull over here then they want to swim to a dock

and as they swim in the dock I realize everyone on this dock is bare naked it's an anarchist community there's a guy like 275 Prince Albert piercing connected to his nipples and I'm watching my little children

swim to this dock I'm like do they know what they're about to climb aboard look up honey honey no the parent was me and another set of parents we were just dying I'm laughing watching these four little girls swim to this dog. Shark, shark!

So, Heather. Crazy. Crazy. So Heather. All right, back to Munich. Sorry, I interrupted you. You do you, Dex. I'm going to get this out of Heather at some point.

Heather. Okay. Yes. Walk me through what's happening in Germany with these songs. Okay. So from what I have experienced, learn from my husband, et cetera. It's like, it's a very big.

deal in a health, wellness, like, community kind of thing. Especially where he's from. So he's from, like, what was East Germany before the wall came down. So there's a huge community here of what's called FKK, which is

basically like a nudist, like, celebratory thing. It's not intended to be pervy. It's just a celebration of bodies and, like, getting from shine and all the kind of stuff. When they say it's not pervy, it's people saying that body positivity is not pervy.

It's all purvey. Okay. Okay. Amen. Thank you. It's not bad. I don't think pervy's bad. But now, I actually don't think they're pervy. Like, they don't even see it.

No, they're not. I was a perv there. I'm a pervert there. You really don't think they all see it. They see it, but I'm telling you. Like, I interviewed Heidi Klum. Her father videotaped her delivery. That's just not something of American Dad does.

No. No. No. Right? That's crazy. I mean, for us, that's crazy. For everybody, that's crazy. Unless it's Heidi Kloom, actually.

How can you resist? He's like, please, please. I'm great with a video camera. Have you seen you? I just don't trust anyone else. All right, so in East Germany, there's a group called the FKK. Yeah, that was just, that's gratuitous details. The family that God is not part of FKK, but like it is a very common part.

of the culture here. And so when you're with the fam have, what's happening? Okay, so, so this has been, sonas, husband loves sonnas. When he first told me about them, I was like, oh, great, sounds good, super excited, until he told me about the mixed gender and fully nude part, like, requirement. And since then, like, had some, it's required, it is. Are you allowed to have a towel? You can add a towel.

You can. So that part is fine, but swimsuit, anything like that. not allowed. It's seen as unsanitary or like unsafe. Interesting. Because of the plastics. They think they think the hot plastics cook. They think

it's going to burn into your skin. Yeah, exactly right. Okay, you know, yeah, we say that, but you're sitting on a towel, right? So like... You're not wrong, but neither are they. There's just a lot of logical. I agree. There's just, there's just holes. You know, that's all. So,

so, yes, he like we'll do that at hotels all that kind of stuff because they don't have one at home it's caused a little bit of like we've had to have lots of discussions about it because I am not super chill about it I have tried my best to like get there but I've avoided the family outings until this trip so this trip was parents 40th anniversary so we just did that two weeks ago it was like four nights the sunset at 430 it doesn't come back up until like 6.30 or 7. There is nothing to do.

Yeah, it's a sauna. It's a sauna. I would get in a sauna every night if I was the dad. Yeah. Okay. So you would. And I'd take my bottoms off. There it is.

Thank you. I'd take them up before I left on the walk to the sauna. And me naked is not impressive. My body type's not great without clothes on. It's okay with clothes really bad naked. I would do it in front of everybody. As soon as the sun goes down, clothes got off. Walk to the sauna.

Okay. So that was, I got by skin of my teeth during that trip. We only had like one full night. But like the hotel that we stayed at, it was for the spa, like amenities. Let me ask you a question, Heather, about, before we get to the question, because your setup is great. Of course. So during the 40th, did you see your father-in-law's hog? I he's not going to listen she saw it she saw it this kind of delay can only me one thing is that like as we don't delay as maybe I've seen your dick

Has anyone seen my dick? Have you seen my dick? It never happened No I haven't Ask me if I've seen your dick Have you seen my dick I saw the outline of it in your movie I saw pixelated person of it

So did you see your father-in-law's dick? Not like full, frontal, whatever. No, no, he didn't take it off and model for you. But if he's naked, part of the thing is, as you're sitting there cooking in that box going, oh, and you turn to your right, you see Dick. Okay, so here's the thing, though. And this is part of the bigger question is,

I avoided going into any sauna space, like a specific kind of rooms with the family. Went with my husband, went with strangers, but like part of the thing here is how is there any way to get away with not seeing them naked, not being seen by the naked, and also not missing out on the bonding time that happens in the sauna. This is a great question. Okay. It's a second that is smoking. It's like, how do I go outside of a cigarette with everyone without having a cigarette because I have asthma? Yeah.

I've C-O-P-D. Heather, could you tell me in order what is more scary, them seeing you naked or you seeing them naked? Fair question. Dead weight, dead heat. I think it's more, I think it's more of me seeing them naked because I know that I'm like an image person and I know that that, like, I will die being able. able to picture that in my head. By the way, same. I don't know that's normal, but like, I'm the same.

If I saw my in-laws naked, I'd never not think about it. Everybody says, like, you don't look, you don't see you, whatever. It's like, it's not true. Everybody loves. It's clearly not true. So, Heather, question about the song, and then we're going to try to figure this out. Okay. When, so you haven't gone in.

So they all go in, is mom and dad and your husband and maybe siblings? Are they all going in towelless or does everybody have a towelless? Yeah. So he's seeing his mother totally naked. Jake, I'm trying to tell you, I know she downplayed the park thing. Yeah, but it's real. It's real. They don't care.

That's crazy. When you're watching TV there on normal commercials, there's nudity. If I saw my mother fully naked casually, I'd be bombed. I would explode. I know, but how about your house? Like, I noticed my house is all nude. My growing up house wasn't. Yeah.

My house changed. It changed. Nude was fine. I used to take baths with my daughters all the time. There was an age where now, if I were to see them naked, it would be weird. You wouldn't want to do that. No. When I'm in the shower, if they walk, they'll go like, oh!

I'm like, you saw it. How old were they? 12. Yeah, so my 12-year-old is just starting to now feel that way. There's no way no. But what I now know from experience is like they are in some bizarre category that is like they're non-creas. I don't know to explain it.

It's like it's not nudity. I don't know. I agree, but still, culturally, I'm just, I couldn't be at a park with my aunt and have her totally naked eating strawberries. Yeah. I would go, you got to put some underpants on. Minimally, you got to put some underwear.

I can't eat a sandwich and see a vagina. I can't eat a sandwich and see a guy's testicles. I won't eat. You can't. If there's buffalo wings and then somebody's nuts are, and they reach, and I'm seeing, like, gut, nuts, pubs, side butt. Appetite's gone. Pass.

Also, fuck. That's nature's ozempic. Yeah, and also, I have resentment. This is now a long-term thing. You stole food from my mouth. A big thing from his food. You've taken that from me. But, Heather, this is about you.

And this is about this sonous situation. So your question is what? Are you going back to see everybody? Well, can I ask who's putting the most amount of pressure on you to join? Is it the in-laws or is it your husband? It's got to be husband. So, thank you. You're just reading it.

Yeah. So, and I won't even say pressure. Like, you're missing out. Yes. So that's the thing is like he's been super gracious with me about like actually compromising. But, you know, if we ever had a fight about it and he'd just be like, okay, you can stay here then. Yeah, but also for him, you're missing out on bonding. with his family.

Maybe his favorite time of his family. Yeah, and that's a time they all relax and they're themselves and you're in the other room because you don't want your boobs to be seen?

And he's like, you gotta be kidding. No one's looking at your boobs, dude. This is my dad. Yep, and for me, I'm like, no, they are. And you're also like,

I would look at his penis and he's like, maybe don't be 12. Could you maybe be an adult, Heather? Also, how about this though? Even if you said, I'd love to take a look at your dad's penis.

If my wife, my father was still alive, first of all, she would have seen it by now because he was naked all the time. Maybe German didn't know it, but if my wife said, yeah, I'd love to see what your dad's dick looks like. See if it's similar to yours. I'm like, great, cool. I wouldn't give a fog. Even if it was a worst-case scenario, Heather, where you were like, I'm dying to get eyes on that hog. Really embarrassing thing that Danny Jay is going to get mad at me about about dad's dicks. Yeah.

On my dad's deathbed, my brother was there, and my dad called my brother, and at the end, And, you know, they had like a moment, and then there was, you know, they had to change my dad. And my brother got a look at my dad's dick. Yeah. And my brother and I were talking after he died, and we were both crying. And he's like, sad stuff. And I was like, yeah, man, it's really hard. And he goes, like, in other news, dad had a pretty good dick.

And I go, what? He goes, yeah, the old guy had a nice size dick. And I go, is that right? And we both took a moment. We went like, all right, man, that's cool. Yeah. But literally took a moment. That makes it a little easier.

I stopped crying. And I was like, I was happy for him. As a guy apart from me, spent seven years on planet Earth, he had a nice dick, man. I remember being 10, and my Papa Bob went into the hospital, and he was a big guy, and I arrived just as they were putting a catheter in. And I was, again, 8 or 10, and I was like, oh, my goodness. I could not believe that. Look at that. So, Heather, what is the big, so your husband wants you because you're missing out on quality time, which I, I, what is.

What do we call it him? What's his name? Alex. Alex. I'm with Alex. What a great German name. They love their exes. But I'm with Alex because when you're there, and so I'm going to try to simplify your question to one thing we could pitch on.

Okay. And that is, are you going back to Germany to see the family soon? She's there now. So I thought she was there in Canada. Oh, you're still there? No. I'm still here. So we leave in like 12 hours for another week.

We got a ticking time talking. Tritz filled with sauna time. Oh, so this is maybe even tonight. This is like, yeah, this is like an urgent. Heather, here's my request. Do you have a pitch? Because I got a pitch. Okay.

What's your first take? Well, just, I need, I'll need a recap. Well, for sure, going to get an update. That's a given. But what's your genuine honest, Dax? You hear all this. She's there with her family. What advice would you give combining armchair and here to help me?

Now you're you. Right, right. My non-fuzzy advice, yes, would be, A, it's okay for you to tell them, hey, guys, I'm trying to catch up. I'm from the U.S., we're so weird, take all the responsibility. We're so weird about nudity. So it's my baggage, and I'd love to join you guys, and I'm embarrassed that I have this hang up. Is it cool if I wear a towel?

And they're all going to be like, you know, I don't give a fuck, yeah. And so to me, the solution is you go on a towel. that doesn't solve your father-in-law's... Yeah. I've got a different pitch. First of all, I've got a different pitch. But, Dax, I'm going to tell you what Heather thought you were going to say. Okay.

What's your... Get the fuck over it. Okay. And that's kind of where I'm at. But here's my real pitch to you, Heather. Okay. I don't only want you to go in there naked, but I want you to go in there with a little bit of a little strut. God damn it, you guys.

I think you've got to, I would even consider doing a little dance. When you drop the towel, make American fun out of how weird this is, so that when you walk in and you go to his parents, you say like, mom, dad, and then you go like, hobo, hobo. And they're all going like, you are such a child. And you're like, I am, I want to bond with you guys and do it your way. But you got an American in this box. And guess what?

We obnoxious. And guess what? You bought the ticket, take the ride. Ooh, yay. Hello. Let everybody have a little bit of your feeling of it, and that is, I feel really weird getting naked and seeing you naked. I think the response will be laughter.

And then you'll sit down. You'll be really embarrassed. You'll go, I can't believe I did that. Your husband go, why did you do that? You'll say, Doc Sheppard and Jake Johnson told me to. And he'll say, who's that? He's German. I'll say, people cause a day, plenty.

I got on a podcast. They told me to do it. It was really, it's really embarrassing. and I have to come and tell them I did this but I want to take every sauna with you guys I love you guys you're my family and I'm not missing out on this but as Dax said this is really embarrassing

for me and they made me do a 10 second dance now your advice I do want to say you're right Heather in that there is another thing I might say which is like I think that's the easy route for you you just say like hey man I'm weird it's my shit I'm gonna wear a towel doesn't offend anyone

secondly amazing opportunity amazing to go sit naked yes because you're going to leave there and go like yeah and i'm alive yes as well as you're also going to look but one day you're going to be an old lady and look back and you're going to be really mad at yourself if you didn't sit naked with these people if you didn't show your father-in-law was cracking up top but hether what do you think about going in fully strutting doing a dance and letting them all see it and then asking your in-laws to go like if you guys don't mind you want to shake it a little bit should we all move around

for five. Will you guys help me out? Can we have 10 seconds of standing and shaking? Loosen up, limber up. Just for me. Can we do 10 seconds and then I'll never ask again? Can we flopping around? Please. I have no legs. Oh, they don't speak any English. Oh, they don't speak any English.

No, if she said, I have no legs. Late update. Oh, so they, wait, if they're not speaking English, lady. How good you're German? But also, how are you bonding? Not great. Then you're not bonding in there. What's the point?

What's the point? Jesus Christ, come home. Thank you for the call. Come on home. Yeah, we need you back here. If you're not bonding in there, he just wants you to sit near naked people you can't communicate with?

You have to be naked and no plastic, but you're like to have like Google Translator happening during this. Heather, this is a crazy thing to find out at the end. You can't communicate. Every 15 inch, you're like... It's all about looking at each other's genitals. Von Hostet Dyns Gaborg's talk. When's your birthday, so I think she...

How about this? Dax, if you and I couldn't be... speak the same language, and we were naked. Where would your eyes go? First of all, I'd never hang out with you. We would never find ourselves anywhere other than in a line somewhere. How about in a hot box with no clothes? Well, you're in a wild situation here.

So you don't really communicate with anybody but your husband. So, Heather, just quietly go in their naked. Keep a towel on. Take away the dance. Don't do the... Yeah, Heather, don't do the dance. It would be insane. There is some safety net in that you'll never know what they think.

Who cares? Heather? It's like their... My husband, so my husband, again, God bless him, so gracious with me and does so much of the translating, he is also not the most reliable translator. I think he can hear me right now, and I think he would agree with me. So he will translate half of the things or some of the things that he wants to translate or he will summarize at the end of like a five-minute monologue.

Well, if Alex is there, will you ask him what his preference would be? You, you not there? You there in a towel or you there naked? Or you there dancing first. Okay, okay. Those are his four options. And then, Heather, we're going to pick one and we're going to get out of this. And you're going to do it.

Okay. Okay. Would you prefer me to go in, wait, to not go in at all? That's the first option. The second option is go in with a towel. Third option is to go in naked. Fourth option is to go and make it and do a little dance at the beginning. He's like, I'm hud as a rock.

I was thinking about it. By the way, would you like me? I was like, this is incredible. I wish I was in him. Yeah, no kidding. All of the above. What did he say? You'll have to hear what he said for the last response here.

Okay. I think we should stretch the floor with the dance, but. I think we should stretch the form. You're pitching a longer dance? Wow. No, no. So he was doing, he said, he said scratch. Oh, okay, oh, scratch.

I thought he wanted to expand, expand the universe. I was about to try to get him dancing. All right, so no dance. So, Alex, what do you think, what would you like her to do tonight? Oh, hold on, I've got to go back. Okay, which is the first three? I'm sorry or dry. He just said, whatever you're comfortable with, what you know.

Get out of. Okay, get out of. Okay, get out. Alex, come home. You don't know why I'm calling. So Heather. Here's my final pitch to you, and it's going to be what you thought Dax was going to say. You are a visitor to their family.

This is about their group, not your group. You married into it. You're not doing this in New Orleans. You're not saying, hey, come visit me in Cincinnati. I guess we'll all take our clothes off and sit in a sauna. You're there. When in Rome. When in Rome.

If I was in a weird country and they put food in front of me, I thought it was disgusting. You know what I'm doing? Trying it. Sure. So guess what? Try it. Also, Heather, your fear is embarrassment. But what's funny is they'd be more embarrassed for you in a towel than they will be for you naked.

Like the actual embarrassing thing to do is to be in a towel, which is so interesting. I would pretend it doesn't mean anything. And then I need you to call us back. Like they're liable to talk about you after this experience for wearing a towel. They're not going to talk about naked because they can't even see genitalia. But I need you to call us back after and tell us what the entire. experience was, but Heather, I need you to do... I picture just giggling in there, nothing, because you hear it giggling.

But Heather, I don't want you to go on one sauna. Every time it's offered, I need you to say yes. And afterwards, I would like you to make voice notes of how the experience went and send all the voice notes in. Oh, wow. And then we'll have you on. Wow. But as soon as it's done or before, be like, he just took off his pants.

I did see his penis. She's naked. I'm dropping my towel. I can't believe I'm doing this, but I need you to do it. Remember that call? There was a girl who was trying to learn how to drive a car, but she was really nervous. And the idea is she just had to start and make voice notes, but everyday practice a little. This is, you need to every single time a sauna is offered.

Get in the sauna. You're not going to live in Germany. This isn't your life. This is a weird vacation. You're in the movie, Yes, Man, for a week. You're in the movie, Yes, Man for a week is right. So, Heather. God.

Are you going to do it? I knew. See, hold on though, Heather You did know And we only ask people advice So that we get the advice we wanted If that's true, our callers are crazy Then our callers are insane

If our calls have wanted the advice We've given them over the years But Heather, we got to get off We got another caller, tell us what you're going to do I will do that I will try to seize the sauna try to or are you going to do it I'll do it I'm sorry

I'll tell you this if you don't do it you had Dax Shepard here you didn't even take the thing this was a waste I'd love to go in the sauna with everyone just side note I would just love it I've taken a sauna with Dax yeah

with plastic shorts on we have a lot of microplastic and the great David Walton yeah that was a great three-man That was a good sauna. Strong song. Heather, please do this and please follow up with us.

Because the reason I want you to do a lot of different nights is I think the experience is going to change by the end. And I think on day five, you're going to go, something happened. I think you're going to be instigating the massage. Like, gang, when we get back in the sauna? And I think you're going to back home and try to get your girlfriends and go like, oh, take those disgusting underpants off. Do people sign any kind of waiver for this? Because if she were to pass, she's dehydrated.

She's following your instructions. She's like on the verge of death, and someone's like, one more time. And she's like, yeah, Garrett, though, say, after episode 50 and all of our endings, you're an adult. This is advice, make your own decisions. It's not a medical advice. Heather, I need you to do it. I need you to follow up, okay? Yeah.

Thank you, buddy. Great call. You're a party, Heather. Nice meeting you. We'll try. Nice to meet you, too. Thank you. Thank you.

All right. Hey, how's it going? Good. Thanks for coming on the show. Thank you for taking my call. Could we get your name, please? My name is Chris. I'm 38. I'm from Florida, and the reason I'm calling is because my dog won't stop eating my wife's worn underwear.

All right, Chris. But by the way, Chris? Yeah. Chris, thanks for listening to the show and knowing how to do it. But I will tell you this, you got a real special one here. You're with the great. Dax Shepard, the host. Oh, Shepard, come on.

Yes, dude. And so he's shooting today. So we're going to really fix this problem. Chris, thanks for knowing who I am, because every time you say you're with Dax Shepherd, my anxiety is like, they're not going to know who the fuck. I feel like I didn't realize that, but I put everybody in that awkward situation. Yeah, yeah.

It's fine. But everybody gets tense first. And I'm like, but everybody knows. I'm like, but I didn't think of that, but that is, I feel it. in the air, but I don't know how else to do it now. No, I know. I don't think you're doing anything wrong. It's just my own anxiety. But I have the same

thing, too. And guess what? If someone didn't know, it's great. Life goes on. Yes. But still, I've realized that too. It's a thing. But, Chris, 38, Florida, your dog eats your wife's old underpants? No matter what we do, he sniff them out. I mean, sometimes

he just snacks on the crotch, and then there's other times that he eats the whole meal. And obviously, what goes in must come out, and I'm the one that has to pick them up. One time I took them for a play date. And do they ever get lodged halfway out and you got a tug? Yep, that's happened before. And it actually happened at a play date and then I had to explain

to everyone what was going on. So, really my... You say it was my... Oh, sorry, those are my underwear. You go, there they are! Hey, Chris, before you get to the question, first of all, you're doing a great job. Yeah. What did you explain...

What a life you're living. You've had a play date and your dog get some thorn. Can you walk us through what you explained to everybody? What happened during that playday? I mean, I just told him that he has in, like, just hunger for her panties, and there's nothing we can do about it. I mean, we'll close the bathroom door.

We put it in the laundry room. I mean, he just figures out the way to get him in. We're worried, like, at our wits end. If you put him up real high, will he just jump all day? He's a dog. He's a dirty dog. He's a dog. He's opened the bathroom door.

He's loving. in what she's got cooking. So what's his dog's name and what kind of dog is it? And by the way, that dog's a competition, brother. Oliver is a perfect thing. What a pervert.

I did not. You asked for this. If you name a dog, Oliver, and he turns out to be a pervert, it's your fault. The steady dog. Ooh. He's a doodle?

Of course, a dumb doodle. I did not expect this dog to be Oliver the dude. I was thinking a mix, a pit mix for sure, name like Hank. Man, we got Oliver the fucking doodle Eating your wife's panties

And he won't stop And you're not doing a thing about it Guess what? Oliver's the alpha He's like to Fuck you, Chris You're going to pull it out of my ass When your fucking kids are here

What's your wife's panties And you're going to tug him out of my ass In front of your friends Egy City Chris, what's your wife's name? Laura Wow And I also feel like I need to know

Florida is a very large state. Where in Florida are you? The central Florida area in your Orlando. Let me ask you a question. Kissing me? Yeah. Go ahead. Is it kissing me?

Is it kissing me next to Orlando? No, it's not. No. I live off downtown. Oh, okay, downtown Orlando. All right. So, hey, Chris. Yes.

Why doesn't Oliver like your panties? Well, that's actually part of my question. You know, the first part, I guess, now I need to figure out how to take control back on my house. And so how do we get him to stop doing this? And more importantly, like, how do I stop from being jealous that he won't eat mine? Sure. Sure, sure, sure, sure.

Jake, I tried baiting him. I've tried baiting him with, like, some post-workout, like, sweaty under the underwear. Sure, juicy. I put him on the bathroom floor. Dude, he never goes for him. It honestly hurts my feelings. Chris, you're the best. To wear your panties?

Wait, this is exactly what I was going to ask you to do. You won't do it. She won't do it. I just want a little pain, you know, what it feels like. Well, here's the thing. I'm dying to know if it's the fragrance, the indoor, the odor. It's her, man. Or are you wearing a boxer or a boxer brief or it's like you buddy?

Oh, like it's too breathable? Too big. So I'm wondering if it's a boxer brief. A boxer brief should do it. That's a lot for even a doodle to eat. I'm wondering what I would have. He just snacks on her crotch. Why can you just snack on mine?

Well, this is what I'm begging you guys to do just one day. It's a very simple experiment and we'll have an answer at the end of it. You wear her thong all day. It's got to be a new thong. Okay, right. Brand new thong, no residual, because these dogs can smell. You're right. Brand new thong, and then on her pair of boxer briefs all day long,

and I want you to throw him on the ground and let Oliver... That's a good experiment. Go to town, do what he does best, and just find out. Is it the undies or the fairmoes? Okay, so that's, we've got one really good pitch as an experiment, but we're not done. I want you to do something. First of all, Chris, I love this call.

Yeah. And I love how you've done it too. I love that there was the second half and that's that you're jealous. I love that you've already asked her. This is good stuff, my man. This is, this makes me really happy. But here's something I would love you

to think about doing. It's going to feel like I'm making a joke, But I'm being serious here. I think we got to mess with the smell of your wife's panties. Oh. So something like after she takes them off, rub some like rotten ham in there. Dogs like rotten ham.

You want to have to, I think they don't like. Or like coyote piss. Yeah. Something that's not going to make her get an infection later we got to be careful of. Mm-hmm. But I want something where Oliver goes like, man, fuck Chris's ass. I don't give up.

I don't respect him. Laura just took those panties off. They're mine. They're mine. She's mine. She's mine. So therefore those panties are mine. I own her.

And him. Those are my panties. And then my servant will pull them out of my butt hole. Assistant Chris. This little boy, Chris, who lives here to pull things out of my butt when I want him to. But what I want Oliver to do is then proudly walk over and go like, I'll be grabbing my panties now. Take a bite and go like, Jesus Christ. Surprise, Laura.

What have you done, dear? This smells disgusting. You've changed. I just interviewed a DEA dude who's, I was asking how they were getting cocaine across the border. And he said, what they do is put it in all the ziplocks, but then they coated an ammonia and then cover that. And the dogs fucking hate ammonia. So truly, you could, every time she disrobed, she could just dip them in ammonia, pop them anywhere she was. But here's what you can also do, put yours right next to them.

So he goes, those are my panties, and then he goes, I guess I'll take seconds. It's not what I wanted. But I'll take it. The beggars can't be choosers. Love the one you're with, not the one you love. That's right. Love the one that loves you back. He loves the one that loves you back.

So we've got a stinking him up. What have you tried, Chris? I went to the gym. I got real sweaty, thinking that it was like something. about the smell that maybe I just wasn't replicating. And I just dropped them on the bathroom floor before I take a shower. And I even picked over the door and he didn't even come anywhere near it. Now, if Florida's shower and, like, he's right there chomping at the bit waiting at the door to try and get a hold of those panties.

Yeah, go ahead, Derek. It's got to be pretty expensive. Women's undergarments are not cheap, like men's, yeah. So I got to imagine your... Are these, is this nice lingerie or just like a target pack? We're doing Amazon at this point. Yeah. Okay.

right we got a subscription so she's just getting this so oliver's just getting them and eating them let me ask you a question chris because this is a really weird problem that you've put thought into what do you like as a guy what do you have a job what do you do day to day if somebody in orlando you do sales okay so from office or from home uh out about never what i think somebody's selling me the issue they're having with you know when you go like man i wonder what that willie loman was thinking about never what i think i bet he's thinking about thinking about his dog, Oliver, he disliked his panties, but won't eat his. And I bet that's hurting his feelings.

Never have I had a door-to-door salesman knock on the door, and I open. I thought, this guy's probably dealing with a panty caper. The great panty paper. And deep down, he's going, hey, Oliver, I've done things like gone to the gym, got really stinky while. That's where you become unique, my man. I think you would be a lot more confident as a salesman if Oliver was budging his daddy. No, but I think you would sell away. more if Oliver desired your underpants.

I think the last thing you saw before you left to get in the car to go make a sale was him devouring your crotch part. Yeah, yeah. And your wife was like, oh, God, I got to pull Chris's underpants on Oliver's butt again and you're like, I got to go to work. I got some deals to

close. Sorry. Units to move. I guess I smell so good. Oliver can't help it. Here's another embarrassing tidbit. I was practicing baseball with my eight-year-old in the backyard, and I guess I missed some of it. and he swings the bat and he looks down and he goes, Dad, are those moms underwear?

And I just froze. I had no idea what to do, what to say to my eight-year-old because it is, in fact, his mom's underwear in the backyard. And I'm just like, no, no, they're not. And we just, you know, running off and never spoke about it again. You chose to a weird lie. He chose to deny reality a little bit. He's like, so those aren't moms underpants that look like mom underpants.

So now we've got a much bigger problem on our hands. Who's underwear in our yard? You know, scary that is. So first, a piece of advice, you got to go back to the boy and go, I was wrong, goes, we're our moms on these. That's traumatizing. Yeah. But, Chris, here's where we're softly at. We've got this idea of you get a male stripper thong and wear that or get underpants at least the size of hers as best you can.

And she, for a week, tries boxer briefs. Just to see if there's something about the snugness of the panties. It's the size of the meal, really. That it might change it for them. And if it does, easy solution. We've got the idea of putting a little bit of ammonia on her underpants. I like that one a lot. And maybe a little bit of turkey in yours.

I wouldn't be afraid to... Turkey chili. Yeah. A nice hormal turkey chili can. about this next time you go to the gym put a tiny piece of pepperoni under your sack so it really juices in there marinate it maybe we actually here's my pitch maybe we start working on your smell maybe you're underpantsy's boxer briefs you know that part of your leg between the top leg and ball that is like a little shelf what if we throw like juices in there a little turkey a little ham a piece

cheese. Some brochute. Just some. Some Machetala. Some mozzarella. Some mozrella. Some mozrella. Some brachute. Nothing bad. Just the good stuff. Mozarella. Not cheddar.

I need you to go to an Italian import store. Get a nice brachuta. Put it on your inner leg. The best quality. And then get a nice of buffalo muzrella. Smear it all. over your penis. Then take a baguette and shove it up your ass. Fuck you.

Get out of the way. Be your dog, ah, what's the matter of true? You're a man, you're my son. Stop crying. Stop calling podcast. Oh, my dog, Oliver. Fuck to you. When I was a boy, there would be no Oliver.

So here's what I'm thinking on that, though, for real, Chris. What if we really cook your smell up and we bring hers down? because all we need to do is get Oliver hooked on yours and then slowly, once he eats one, take the cheese out, then take the pepperoni out. And in the end, he goes, you know what? I got to say, I kind of like this too. And you go, it ain't bad, my man.

Yeah, you might want to start a cycle antibiotics as well as you're doing this. I mean, that's a lot of food. That's a lot of food in your... Remember Charlie Sheen and that new doc just said, turn the page or the menu? Turn the menu. Turn the menu.

Turn the menu. Or the ice cube up the ass. Either is applicable here. In fact, we need to get Charlie on the phone. You have to have this settled in minutes. But this idea of at a certain point, he had had enough sex with women. He just decided to turn the menu. That's what I want to do to Oliver here.

What's on the backside? And you're on the backside. So how do we get him going? I like his smell, too. You've been to the gym. It's not working. What do you think about adding a little bit of cold cuts down there? How do you and Heather or Laura's diet?

I don't know about adding the colds, maybe post after I take them off. Maybe we can rub a little something on there, so I don't got to wear it all day. That's fair. I'm definitely with the idea of swapping undergarments with Laura for a week and seeing what happens. I think that's going to answer a lot of questions right out of the gates. Doc said something I'm kind of interested. Are you guys eating differently? No, we eat the same stuff.

Okay. Huh. And you're using the same. We have a bidet at home, so we both wash pretty well. Oh, wow. Okay. You guys are doing well. You got a bidet.

Yeah. You can get them pretty cheap on Amazon. I got scared when you said your underwear is a subscription model. There's a bidet's on Amazon you can get to. This bidet rules out all that. You're in high cotton. So what are you thinking here, Chris? We've given you a couple.

Which one are you leaning towards? You're saying you're open to wearing a very tiny... He feels open to all of it. He also said he would be willing to do the scent. He just doesn't want to cook in the juices, which I think is fair. At the end of the day, I just want to be to do. desired so um don't know is it isn't that the whole thing Chris and it really is and it's hurting my feelings that that he's not choosing me um so I'm willing to try anything well now I want to just

ask um potentially problematic question please which is what you might have to ignore how do you feel about your dog being gay I wouldn't care I'm just had he always I can imagine this call going another way. It's like, oh, my God. Oliver only eats my underwear. My wife's delicious joints are sitting right next to it. He's not interesting. And Oliver's into dudes.

So you're kind of asking, like, maybe just view Oliver's like your bro and you both like the same woman. You both love what's happening with your wife. We got a whole other problem there. But it's kind of like, hey, man, I get you, Oliver. We like the same stuff. I see you. I see you.

But we need to have a boundaries conversation. But so that's why it's two different problems. One is how do we get Oliver to stop eating the underpants? And two, what you let out with, Chris, that I believe, or at least what I jumped on, was how do we get Oliver to like my panties too? Well, guys, eating underwear is really bad for dogs. Is it? Yeah, so maybe we should settle on, like, how do we stop the dog?

I love this, Natalie. This is so consistent with people. Like, you know, the rule and cinemas you can kill a million people, even kill some children, you shan't kill a dog. Right. So Natalie heard all this stuff. We're putting his life in jeopardy with the food products in his groin. That's true.

She doesn't care at all. We told Heather to go in unlimited saunas without hydrating. Does it not worry. Keep advising. Doesn't care. Here's the dog who's already successfully eating a ton of underwear. And shits them right out. It probably cleans them out.

Talk about fiber. It's great. And Natalie has to interject. You're totally right. Yes. I like it. You're worried, right? If it's not that I just, I know it comes right out his butt, then Chris has to pull it out at a blighting.

If he switches to male underwear and it's big, it's a bigger blockage and he's going to get. I got a check. So what do you think, Chris, do you want to do pitches on how to do, and look, Natalie's not wrong, but if that's not what we want to talk about, we don't have to. Do you want to pitch, we've given you some options of how we could get Oliver liking your underpants? you want to live there or you want to try to also figure out a picture how do we cut this addiction off? Well, I definitely don't want him to get hurt

and I don't want any hate mail coming my way for feeding the dog panties so let's help me put it off But at the end of this Are you secretly Because, you know, if at the end of the day You don't want the hate mail But then you just email him

Guess what? He likes my panties now It's the pepperoni. I'm not doing a follow-up. I'm happy about that. salt, but, you know, we're wasting a good follow-up here, babe. And at the risk of providing a not-fuzzy solution, I mean, how tall is this doodle? Clearly, we could have a hamper on a shelf. I mean, we get these undies out in a way. She, Laura just doesn't want to be inconvenience.

She's in the bathroom. She takes her underwear off to take a shower. She's like, fuck, I got to walk into the other room and put it up on the shelf. Well, I'll tell you what, if a dog's eating her underpants, shouldn't she want to put them away? She shied out the underpants in front of kids. We've definitely become better dog owners as we've gone along and he's eating them less frequently. You need to get one of those bareproof trash cans they have at campgrounds.

And that's where Lauren keeps all of her underwear. So that's what I'm saying. The real crux of this, he's not called. He can fix that. The real crux he just said is I'm just jealous. So Natalie, I hear you, but we'll deal with the comments. Okay. People are going to get mad.

You're right. It's fine. What do you think about, what do you like more? You wearing small panties and your wife wearing big panties or you, and we got to make sure the ammonia won't make your wife sick, but that's on you, sir. Putting a one tiny drop in them. I think a learn his lesson quick.

Yes. It's the same thing with kids who suck their thumb, and you put something nasty on it, they just go like, whoa. Ryosin, what was that poison? Yeah, yikes, man. What we're looking for Oliver to do is going, Jesus, Laura, change. Fuck this, hobby.

I used to love eating her the vagina parts of her underwent. It tastes disgusting. It's like cleaning equipment. This is disgusting. For Oliver's safety, Laura and I should both be in small panties. Okay.

Okay. So that's fair. That'll be fun on a lot of levels. Agreed. Yeah. Have you ever worn a tiny panty? I haven't, but I guess I'm about to start.

Well, first follow up, let's hear what you think of it. I don't know if I believe you, Chris. I put my mom. underwear on at one point. I put my sisters underpants on when I was growing up. You're whose? My sisters. Yes, I think it's very common for a guy to just go like,

I'll see how all these feel. I liked them. I did too. It made me horny. I mean, most things did it 14, but. It wasn't hard. It made me or it was not. So, Chris, do you want another stab at that answer?

No, I'll stick with it. Okay. So, what are you going to do here, Chris? Are you going to do the small under pants for the both of you. Are you also going to play with stinking hers up and maybe pepperoning yours? Floor's yours, sir.

Let's hear what we're going to do here. How do we win? Because then I'm going to need a follow up on this. I honestly, I think I just want one. If I get one where he takes a bite out of mine, that's it. I'm satisfied. We never have to talk about it again.

So, yeah, I'm willing to put a little ammonia on hers, get mine nice and, you know, nice and tasty, and then just see if he takes a mate. And if he does, it can be done. Forever. Yeah, okay, I love this. Okay, we put it to bed. So then what if we do a full-on sting operation where we leave them out and you're

hiding in the room? So Natalie's happy to, he doesn't get it. But once he bites at yours and pull him, you go like, Oliver, no. Oh, I thought you were going to suggest something else, which is like run some B-roll. I want video of the dog making a decision. Do you have a ring camera? You have an iPhone? We don't.

But I can set up a camera. But if you could set up a little camera on him and leave the underwriting. pants out with a sign that says Chris and a sign that says Laura. That's true because they're going to be matching inside. A little blind. It's like those old Pepsi versus Coke. Or

if it's not too much to ask, maybe you wear blue, she wears pink. It's just so we know that. Yes. But I kind of like the idea of them looking exactly the same so that the dog goes. You know, we don't need more variables. Yeah, but I like this idea of Oliver

going deep down. I eat her panties not his because it's disgusting yeah because he's a dude and i wouldn't eat chris's underpants for all the money in the world and then all of a sudden him going there's two pair underpants which one's chris's they must both be hers is what'll be thinking yeah and then one smells like a little bit like cleaning supplies the other one might smell like pepperoni and once he does it you got to say you just ate my underpants jokes on you my friend just chow down on my undies we're basically just trying to shame a dog into things dogs will get you.

He's going to feel so stupid, Chris. He's going to go like this. Right on. Go on. It tastes just as good. I'm told on the blind taste test. We'll record it. Will you send it to us?

And then make sure, and this is for all the audience, too, don't let the dog eat that underpants. Yeah. No, we will not. We love Oliver and we'll never do anything to that's endangering. And then you're going to start after this. you and the wife are making a deal no underpants on the floor

also just send a big congratulations to Laura on our behalf real jealous yeah we're all jealous yeah good for her honest to God let her know that we have nothing but respect I wish a dog I wish anything in the world wanted to eat my underpants on whatever's happening wow it's working can't relate

the feeling she has have never felt no one's trying to eat my anything I'm telling you I spend too much time thinking about it Man, I get it, Chris. Hey, will you follow up with us? And good luck, my man. Thank you.

I definitely will. Thanks for taking a call, guys. Great meeting you, Chris. Sweet Jesse here. That's it for calls for this episode, but Jake and Dax started chatting, and we thought it'd be silly not to include it. So we've got a little mini armchair expert for you at the end of this episode. Enjoy.

I got to give you my mind. my hot take because I can't keep it in because I'm stupid and simple. Okay, good, good, good. I want you to make another movie. You do? Yes, dude. Okay, wait, so I watched hit and run. Okay.

Love it. Had you ever seen it? Like Houston's? No. Don't you dear? When we had talked, I thought I had watched it. Right. But I had this with The Sopranos.

Oh, really? You thought you saw it and you had it? During the pandemic, I was like, I'm going to rewatch the Sopranos. And then I was like, motherfucker, this is not a rewatch. Yeah, wow. I think I had seen the trailers enough. Yes. And I know you.

And then it was like, and I'd seen that Bradley Cooper show. Can we go back the Sopranos? No, we're going on hit and run. Let me just say, if like someone said, you got to, you got to choose four things high probability to just guess about Jake. Yes. Having never asked him, on that list of four things, would be like, he loves the Sopranos. Certainly watch it every Sunday night. Never saw it until 2020.

Wow. And, of course, loved it. Yeah. Watched hit and run. Then watched Chips back. back to back. Oh my goodness. Okay. Love them both. Really love hit and run. Really love you as an action director. Oh, thank you. In a way that I did not expect. Oh, thank you. The comedy we were texting about the bits of hit and run. Yeah, yeah. They hold up. They're really funny.

Yeah. The sweetness, the romance stuff. I was like, yeah, you know, a guy like you, you know, you could do that in your sleep. But I've also directed an action's hard as hell. Oh, dude. You crushed it. Oh, my God. Thank you. The biking, the driving. And then I also watch Idiocracy just to watch you as an actor again Because I was like, you know how much I love that movie again Yes But I was like, I just wanted now see Dax And when you were watching it, we're like, I haven't seen this either

I've never seen Dax! I've met Dax and aren't you? You realize after this whole thing you had me confused for Zach Brough The whole time? Do you get Prath? Oh my God, I was... No way. Oh my God, three times a week, the first 10 years I was on TV

I think since I've gotten bigger, it stopped. And as we've gotten older, we look more different. But if you watch an episode of Scrubs, my uncle called me. He's like, dude, I thought I was watching you on a show for like four episodes. I'm like, what are you talking about? And I went and watched it. And you know people say they look like each other? They never think that.

Yes. I think it. So a lot of people say I look like a lot of people. I don't buy any of it. There's one guy I buy, and that's David Krumoltz. David Kermoltz and I actually do look. Like, we're very different. Very different.

But we could be brothers. And we've reached out and talked. We're buddies. Yes. There's no, like, I'm just like, and when I look at him, I'm looking, it's like I'm looking at my brother. I'll be like, all right, man, we look good. Yeah.

That's how we look. And I love crumb holes. And there must be something in this genetic package where you also have similar voices. Oh, we do. In that they're gravelly and charactery. There's like a texture to both of your voices. I want to play brothers with him so bad because we are such different things of a similar.

It just feels like, like, we could be car salesman, like in the car salesman thing. Yes. We have such different roles. Yes. But I like him a lot. At the height of this BRAF thing, it was happening nonstop. And then weirdly, I think without a paddle in Garden State had come out in the same month. Okay.

So I'm getting stopped. I loved your movie. I'm like, oh, my God, thank you. Like, get that thing with the wallpaper and your shirt. That's Garden City. But anyways, at the height of that, I ran into him somewhere. And he got it a ton as well. And I was like, all right, here's my picture.

the movie's called Nature versus Nurture and were identical twins, separated at birth. I'm raised by hillbillies in the south, and you're raised by New York Jews. The best idea. Oh, my God, it changed us that much. What happened? At the time, he had way more heat than I had. And so he was like, oh, yeah, a cute idea, kind of ignored it. And then as years went on that scale right size, and I ran into him, and he was like,

we should do that movie. I'm like, man, Hollywood is something. Yeah, yeah. I should, that could, I would steal that into it with Krumholtz. Yeah, maybe we should somehow do. It's a study of four twins. You know it would be really fun to do it as a TV show, and everybody gets 30 minutes of their story.

You do it like a big fake documentary, and everybody's story's a one-off doc style. Okay. So that you, it's so easy in terms of production. Yes. So you can jump into the lives a little bit. Oh, I love that. And I just interviewed a twins expert,

and there was a case in Brazil or Columbia where there were two sets of identical twins born at a hospital and one of the twins went with another twin back to the countryside and two other ones went into the city and then they discovered this so that what they got to study based on this

is like obviously they were like hillbilly types and there was this point but then when you got the twins together it was like they had all this shit. Well you saw three identical strangers. Oh my God. I loved it. What a talk. Yeah but I want to go back to you because you're very good at hosting and the reason

I watched all these and got into it, because I don't do any research when people come on our show, because it's a bit fest. Yes. But when I met you was doing armchair, I was like, you came out with, our dads have something in common, blah, and I was like, oh, he did our homework. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So as we've gotten to know each other, I have known you in this era of dachs, armchair dachs. Right.

I didn't know you as writer, director, actor, dachs. Right. So I've really gotten to know this guy's brain. Uh-huh. And I love the way you're playing this guy. You've influenced me. It's really fun. Oh, thank you.

I think there's a lot of meat on the bone, and I think it's a big mistake for you to fully walk away. I wouldn't, obviously, stop what you're doing. Right. You're killing this field. I think there's another movie for you to direct. I think there could be another, just a soft pitch similar to the Twins thing. A guy who used to do NASCAR-type backyard shit with his dad driving around,

moved away to the big city change. His dad dies. He goes home. Here's about an old race. an indie with a lot of heart but really what it's about is these fucking cars going around the track and what that culture means

but it's a guy who's coming back and then his new family sees this and goes like oh that's the part of dad that sits quietly that's the World War II guy who got home and doesn't tell us stuff but that part of his life there was a lot great

but there was also you know some abuse and some dark shit but what was great was around that fucking track when he was on stage because when you shoot that world and it's driving and it's biking I was like and we've kind of

talked about our character types and what we can do and what we've I'm like nobody else does that well and nobody hits it the way you hit it as you know you when you're leaning up to shoot a movie it there's untold stresses right there's like all these cast stresses there's

money stresses there's cruise stresses you meet someone you love and then they don't sign on to do your fucking wardrobe whatever the thing is but the thing that I just was up for weeks before hit and run. I was like, I have a million dollars. I have four car chases. Yeah.

How do I shoot this? You made that movie for a million dollars? One million dollars. And so? In 2012. So how much? 2012, so 1.4. So what is that made in total now?

A fortune? Well, I think. A fortune. I think at the theater, it maybe made like 15 or 16 million or something like that. And then it had a, you know, it's had some life. So you've made a fortune off that. that. I didn't make a fortune off of it. I think, you know, the people that just a dude wrote a check for it from Wall Springs. Oh, I didn't know you didn't, okay. I thought you'd

self-financed it. No, so someone else paid the million dollars, and I think maybe at the end of the day, I owned 20% of that movie. Okay, now I understand. Yes. Okay, so I've had those too. And then Panay, do you know Penny, Andrew Panay? No. Okay. I might know. Great producer, wedding crashers. Okay, yeah. He's incredible. And then so, yeah, he owned a chunk and I understand. And the cast owned a bunch. Understood. Yeah. So it just got on Netflix. And I was like, I wonder if I will see. Yeah. No.

No. But the movie's fucking good. And you are truly too gifted to stop that journey. So whatever that journey is, you know, you and I are always talking about, like, we're going towards. Right now, my phase is like, I'm going to see if I fall in love with just the acting side. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'm like, all right, let me just pursue this. But it's got to be my style.

I got to be home a lot. Yes. I was like, I had my weird rules. When I was watching you, I was like, that's another thing we both do. But how do you like directing compared to acting? Because I was just on a set last week. I had a 12-hour shoot day as an actor. First time of five and a half years.

I was telling you about it. And A, it was wonderful. It was so fun. But I was reminded that 99% of the day, you're not doing anything. And that doesn't work with my temperament. That makes sense. So directing, I fucking love. You get there and you were busy the entire 12 hours.

So I got a question for you. Yeah. Because about me, which is different, but I want to go to you on it. because I'm loving the acting, as long as my schedule is being treated. Like, I come in, I shoot my two scenes. Yeah. I'm gone at noon. Yeah.

I got there at 6 a.m. If I could do that. And while you're there, you're like, oh, I'm so geeked up. And then once my brain starts going like, I'm like, count bricks on a wall. They're like, thanks for coming. We'll see you tomorrow morning. And you go like, I'll just walk around for New York. And then when I'm done the next day, I go right to the airport, which is manic,

sitting in the lounge, get on a plane. And I'm like, this was so crazy. Right. It was so fast. Yeah, I would be on four TV shows at once if I could walk from stage to stage and do the scene and then walk into the next one. But here's something I want to pitch to you then possibly.

If you're saying you like the acting of it, but what if you're not the lead? Dude, as I was, it's so funny what you start off wanting to do. Like I think initially, well, A, I just want to direct. I had directed a movie before that for $15,000. Right, okay, I didn't see that one. It's insane.

It's a mockumentary where I'm leaving comedy to do karate, but in real life. I made a mockumentary where I'm a guy who creates a fake martial art called Habata. Keep going. I went on talk shows

in a karate gig. I pitched to Apple in a karate gig. Shirtless with a wig on and I didn't bring character. They were so original. By the way, there's a thousand, there's not a lot of us, but there's enough of us.

Yeah. So, yeah, I went on a talk show and broke boards and everything. I was challenging Chuck Norse to a fight everywhere I went. And I put a big poster of him, and I did a crick through this sheet of plywood. And then the first time Kristen ever saw me in real life was we were at the Teen Choice Awards,

and she looks over, and there's this lanky tall guy doing a roundhouse kicks in a red ghee on the red carpet. And then I presented it in my ghee. This is like 2007, maybe, six. Yeah. Anywho, I think most of those original thoughts were like, oh, I want to act in the, the things that I create so that I can do my tone as an actor. Same. And then as I was getting more tools and had fun stuff to play with and the action, the days

that I could show up on set, not go to the makeup trailer, just go to the video village. You would love it. With my hair messed up and just direct other people, I was like, oh, I love the days I'm not acting. Yeah, interesting. So I agree that. And also, look, if I had to rate myself in all these categories, like, I'm a fine actor. Yeah, yeah. I'm not a great actor.

I'm a fine, serviceable actor. I can be funny sometime, but I'm just... I think I'm a better writer than I am an actor. I'm cutting in now because we're here to help not armchair. Oh, okay, okay, okay. I don't agree with your assessments. You don't? No.

But you are very confident. This goes back to another Jeff Bainer thing, why I love to argue with him. You're such a good speaker and you're confident. You said you and I were like salesman? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You'll say something... Our product is our opinion.

You'll say something, and you'll be so sure of it, that I'll be thinking it's fact. Yeah. Those are not facts. Well, no, no. As I said, my assessment. I know, but here's what I mean by it. Okay. You don't know the actor you are.

You're the actor. What I'm falling in love with being an actor is what I love about directing is you're totally in control. That's the tone and everything. I sat on a plane with Tim Robinson, who love great guy, known him for you, not close, but know each other through our other friend, Bill Bungeroth. You didn't know him in Chicago. I improvised with him once in Chicago, but I would already been on TV.

I came back. Okay. My buddy, Bill, who I grew up with, was also connected to Tim and Sam, a bunch of those guys. So I'd been hearing about him forever. We were talking about acting versus making some, and Tim was like, it's just making stuff.

Yeah. That's where I'd always been. Every job I'd ever had, I'm like, I'm not really an actor. I'm here so that I can be a writer and a director. Yes. And just recently, I'm like, maybe that narrative that I created isn't totally accurate.

Well, again, for you, I totally disagree with you. When I watch you and stuff, I'm like activated. I text you, dude. I'll be watching something. You pop up and I'm like, dude, you need to act all the time for me. I'm the same way with you, dude. Oh, boy. But also when I'm watching you, what I'm watching is I go, okay, so this is very high

level writing. And if you watch Chips, I was like, he was doing a big studio comedy. He, meaning he dealt with all those notes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He dealt with a studio and an IP. But I was like, but like, you know, with action and I was like, this is a lot to write. Why isn't there a Dachshedbert and two other names who are doing the lion's chair of the writing as you're also directing your biggest thing by far? Oh, yeah, yeah.

And I was like, 25 million felt like 200 million to me. huge. I have a Russian arm and a Porsche to chase cars with it? But I was like, oh, this is, I was like, remember you said on our walks when I talk, you'll leave and you go, that's how I sound to others?

Yes, yes, yes. In doing my Dax Shepherd marathon, I was like, this is how I appear to others. You're taking on so much. I would say if you're going to do another and you're like, I'm going to direct. At your level now, you can get two of the best writers

who if you reached out would go like, and you know what you're going to do as a producer and a director, make sure it's exactly how you want it and you can get into the final draft too but they're crafting plot you're having meetings they're coming to you okay here's what I'll have a big argument

so yeah I'll not be in it I'm fine with that I have directed things I haven't written and it doesn't work for me but I'm not saying don't put a major footprint in it I'm saying when you're hosting your nine successful podcast

and you are busy as hell that first draft no no no no no yeah I can't yeah someone should crack that first draft then you come in, but before you shoot, you're massaging every single line of everything because that's okay, that's what directors do.

But don't you like when you're writing, I do so much of the math for directing while I'm writing. 100%. And even like I have music cues in my scripts. And I was telling you to watch the Scorsese doc. So fascinating. But at one point he finally joined and co-wrote, I think Goodfellas. Yeah, interesting.

So it says on the script, freeze frame on Hank Hill cut to freeze frame of trunk open so it's like normally he storyboards the fuck out of everything and he did that but when he got on that set he's like I didn't have to do anything I had written it all and that's what I benefit

what I would pitch to you is have an idea that you're like I'm going to be in it I'm going to be the dad you're right right or I'm going to be the men or whatever I'm going to be in it because you're an actor and for that I'm free but also I'm going to give that thing

that I do, and on those moments, I'm going to have this other person who I really respect directing me. We've already talked what I'm trying to do. I'm not trying to wear two hats at once. I'm going to act my ass off. When I do my production draft and we get ready to shoot, the script's good, but now I'm writing this song here, cut to this, so that when I'm on set, it's ready for me as a director. Yes. But they're also on set when somebody says something, you go, there's a little bit of an issue. They go, can we punch this up and you go, I'm doing the car chase thing you look at the pages you go good i need this line but their main job is that yeah yeah i think i think you are you've you've isolated my biggest weakness as a human which is delegating trusting

trusting trusting trusting trusting trust humans relationship i'm telling you from i was trying to pray this morning yeah because i have to do my three prayers every morning as a drunk and i don't believe in any of them but i've been doing them for 21 years and so this morning i was like actively really trying i was like what is the hang up, you know? Like, in this prayer, I'm like, I turn my well and my life over to you, you know, blah, blah. And I was like, the essence is even if there was a God,

I wouldn't trust his plan for me. He'd probably want me to be like meek or something else. I'm not into you, my man. And I was like, oh, my God, that's probably my main barrier. I wouldn't even trust God. Look, it's cool up here at all. Not for me.

I'm surprised you don't have that because if you don't trust your dad. Yeah. I think that makes a real indelible mark on you for the rest of your life. Here's a difference. By the end, I did trust my dad. Well, now that he's dead, I do trust you. No, but by the last few years, I feel like the balance changed. Yes.

And in the end, my thing is what I really learned is people change. And that's the big thing that's fucked with me. Yes. And been good for me. Yeah. Where I'm like, oh, we can change a lot in the 90 years you're here. I was insanely unfair because I continued to punish him the rest of his life for the childhood. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And now that he's dead, I think constantly, I'm like, oh, my dad hugged and kissed me endlessly. Who got that? And meant it. Ment it. Totally. Adored me. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Wanted to snuggle me. Yeah. Like, looked at me and was so proud I was his. And I missed a lot of that. And it fucking breaks my heart, dude. It sucks. No, then I hold my little babies and I just, I know, I have to admit, that's what he felt about me.

I'm like, crushed. The thing that I feel about that I can relate to is my dad had a moment we were talking about self-hatred. And it wasn't my self-hatred. It was somebody we know in the family who was going through a self-hating period. And I was like, I don't know what to do, how to help.

And he goes, they're just too young. He goes, I mean, when you're my age, when you've done what I've done, it's fair to hell hate yourself. But at your age, you can still change it. And I realized in having kids, I was like, oh, these are the years. If you fuck these up, you hate yourself forever.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I want to go back to you and I want to keep it professionally because we're here to help. First of all, I'm sure. Thank you for saying all that. It's all 100% sincere. I really love it.

I do really do desire to direct at some point again. But it would have, again, I don't want to do what my kids are, like, I still want. But listen, you, there's a lot, when we talk sometimes, it's as if that was another world that might come back, but. That's true. It's, I don't know, what's the point? I'm doing all. And all that is true. But because of the way you move,

You got into podcasts, you created a whole thing, you went really fast, really hard. Fucking awesome. Never stopped that. My only speed. But you've created rare air. It's fucking awesome. Great.

There's just meat on the original dream. And the original dream has morphed into something else that's also great. But that one's not done. And I didn't realize that until I went through the marathon because your opinion so strong that I believe you. Right, right. And when we're hiking, when we're hiking, you'll be like, I'm just not that good.

Where I met is this level? And I'm like, that's right, cool. And I was like, this guy's honest about himself. And I was like, but he's really smart and he's really hard working. And then I'm like, well, I'm watching it. And I go like, no, I think he's a really good actor. It was also, this is fun. This is a big project.

I was like, this is well, this, I've done action. This is really hard. Yeah. This looks great. Thank you. And I'm like, yeah, I'm not saying it's, you know, I saw this great Philip Seymour thing where he goes, we have. all make stuff and we want audience members' eyes to explode and be like, now I've experienced

art, I'll never watch anything again. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's not the case. Unfortunately, nobody dies from their satisfaction of watching what we do. They just go on with their day. But I was like, I don't know why Dax is talking in the past tense. He's got more in him. And everything he's learned in this new era, I'm excited for him to put in.

I do think a big thing should be delegation. And I think a big thing should be, how do I give all of this so that my time is still valuable i'm not burning out and all and that's what i'm trying to do with acting yeah what if i'm just an actor here what if i'm not thinking about the fucking sound like a psycho yeah yeah yeah and then i go that's enjoyable or why we're shooting in that room first pulling back and we're ultimately you do the wide and five yeah how about this for this now if i direct again then i get to do that but if i direct again i can't be the lead and i can't be the sole writer and i can't be the real producer doing at all.

All right. Can I tell you, there have been evolutions of this. So, so, yes, at some point, it was probably six-ish years ago where I said, you know, I love the podcast so much. Financially, it's fucking awesome. I'm like, okay, this is what I'm doing, and I'm delighted to do it. What a dream job. And I started getting the tattoos I've always wanted, but didn't get, because I hate getting

makeup over them, right? It's like, I started at 18, but I stopped when as an actor. So I was like, I'm going to resume this. thing I wanted to do. And also, it's this kind of declaration that I'm done. Because I don't want to sit in a makeup chair for two hours to cover my whole arm. And that initial decision I can acknowledge was at least half driven by self-protection, which is like, I came out here begging you to like me. I'm so sick of begging you to like me. I want to say, fuck you, I don't need you, and I'm done. So there was this huge cathartic feeling of being able to say, I'm done.

to this place, I don't need you to pick me ever again. Yes. It felt very healing. Yeah, I believe that. I just don't need to beg you to like me in this room with 15 other people. That's exactly right. And then I beg that you like me on that day. Yes.

And then I beg that the audience goes and likes me. That treadmill I wanted to get off of. Yes. And so I got off of it and probably I wasn't fully acknowledging how much of it was driven by that. Yes. Weird wound and hurt. It's like, this job is like high school in some weird way for your whole life. Yeah, I don't agree, but keep going.

Well, I mean. I don't want to interrupt you, but I have thoughts. Yes, and nor do I agree, agreed today. Yeah, that's what I mean. Yeah, but six years ago, I did agree. But by the way, six years ago, that treadmill exists. You did too, by the way. Yes.

You know, even a few years ago we were hiking and you felt like me, like, I just. I need to be done. I can't live where I'm waiting for people to say, I'm enough or I'm right. No, but for me, it wasn't, for me, it's a little different. It's not for other people to say it. It's for me on the inside to say, I fucking did that thing, right? So therefore, mom, can I stay? Yes.

Can I stay in the house? Exactly. And so for me, what ended up happening is probably Prozac. Yeah. Do you know, probably after Jeff, all of a sudden, like a slight change where I go, well, that treadmill's gone. Yeah. That, our life has acted. I don't feel that hurt anymore.

No, but also our life as actors when we started as guys who don't have any connections, you're the biggest rat in town. You'll do anything. Oh, yeah. The amount of hustle and grind I had in those early days, you're just like, and anything. But also, Jake, I don't know how quickly. Like, I was in the groundlings for years.

Everyone had an agent. I didn't have an agent. I was one of the last guy. I couldn't even get a fucking agent. I'm like, how am I going to get this job? I can't get an agent. I lived in New York City. And I asked people like, how did you get this agent?

I lived in New York City when Gethard and Bobby Monum, all these guys. were starting to pop, I couldn't even get on the house teams. Yeah. I would be like, you guys are starting to work. I'm getting kicked off of improv teams. Yes.

So then I moved away because I was so mad. Then I went to Chicago. I had nothing. Yeah. Then I came out to tell I was in my late 20s. I had no commercial agent, nothing. And I'm like,

I'm going to be 30 soon. Yeah, same, dude. What the fuck is happening? I got on punked at like, I think 29. I got, I think New Girl was 28. And I came here in 95. Yeah. So it's a grind.

But what I think from the outside with you is the thing when you wanted to get the tattoos and stopped is you're like, I can't play that game anymore. Yeah. Because that game, it is. You have to like that. So by the way, I just recently got an email. I don't audition anymore.

Yeah. I'll take meetings, but I don't audition. I haven't auditioned in years. But I'm fine not to take those parts because I don't even know if I want to do it. Yeah. But I got a call a couple weeks ago saying, we want you to audition for this.

and the producer is a legit old friend. Yeah. So he's like, I want you in this thing. Would you do it? And I was like, I don't even know if I can be in the thing with my family schedule. Yeah. But I'm not going to play my Jake bullshit.

I'm just going to say yes. Thank you for the opportunity. Doing it, that actually is the worst idea I've ever done. Oh, really? All of a sudden I'm back to being like, I can do another one. And I'm like, oh, it just brings out the worst. It woke up the, like, why not?

The fear. And then, so you're not. consideration for that part but we like you for another i was like then who is why and i go what the fuck's happening yes that whole i've had that so many dude i've had so many like it's yours to lose situation and then you lose it same if you tell me it's mine to lose i will lose but that whole part of my career yeah i'm like so i'm not when we were talking like why don't you so i'm not getting more who cares yeah but the actual dream that started back when you were a kid was i want to make things that are really funny that people love yeah and i think i could do it

it. And I think that exists for you right now. Yes, I think I told you, so I got asked to come do this show. I happened to love that show. It happened to be with an actor I vitalized forever. Same. And I had finally the exact right attitude, but I, I'm not naive. I had to get what I got to have this attitude. A hundred percent. Right? So the call was like, hey, do you want to do this? We'd love to have you. And I went, I could go be in a scene with my hero. I would love to go be. in a scene with my hero before I die. I don't want it to make me any money. Don't care.

I don't care if it does well. I don't care if anyone likes me. And I've never, ever acted from that place of like, oh, yeah, I would love to go be in a scene with someone I like. And then when I went to do it, my morning meditation was singularly about your only goal today is not to be good. Your only goal today is to be easy to fucking deal with. No power struggles. No sass in your voice. Not monitoring what should be happening.

I'm going to be there to be the nicest person that they've ever worked with and be of service to this thing. In whatever way, even if it violates what I think in some way. That's the goal, actually, not being great. And I loved it. It was fun.

It was boring. Of course, but some days, so my, similar, and I think we talked about this on yours a little, but we're going deeper on this one now on it, is my New York job, I didn't care about the money. It wasn't working with my hero. It was,

And I go and start seeing if I'm an actor. Right. I didn't really go to acting school. I don't study technique. My techniques are all made up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm talking to ghosts. Yeah.

So when people will be like... My techniques are only present when you ask me what my technique is. And I have to give you an answer. But the reality is, is I do have a lot of techniques. Yes. And so do you. Yeah.

But it's all made up. And then I go, once I was doing it, I'm looking around. And then some actors are really bad. Yeah. And then some actors are doing everything. wrong and they're all ego and bullshit and you go I don't want to be that and my thing which I make the big mistake of is I'd rather not play if I might be that I don't want to be you like I don't like you agree a lot of the dynamics that are on set are also the dynamics of a poker table explain

like when you're at a poker table and let's say you're not getting good cards for a while and you're bored yeah and so you're now you're really observing the other players and now you're starting to get angry at other players and I hate that guy that guy's full of shit and he saw but he got lucky on a bluff. And now I'm going to be the sheriff. Yes. And now I'm going to play a shitty hand to fuck with him because I know he's full of shit.

All of that that took over when we know all you do is you play good cards. That's it. But I got ensnared in all this other shit. Same with me. But you get pulled into the bullshit. Yes. And so like if you go to set and go like,

my job is when I have Ace King, I go all in. Yes. Or also the other part of poker is your job is also to study the table because you can win on a bluff. Yeah. But you could also go, what I'm looking at it now is, my job is just to try my hardest, but I'm like, oh, this is an individual journey.

Yes. So really, my role here has nothing to do with this job. I'm on my, it's like if my whole life is a book, this is just a chapter for me. Right, right. And so why would I be negative to you guys? If you're not running this the way I wanted to run, I just need clauses in my contracts I can get out. Yeah. And now I'm just being more honest with my.

deals being like, I suffer from depression. And if it goes sideways, I don't want to be stuck. I don't want to be Nicholas Cage in Moonstruck. What happened to Nicholas Cage in Moon? He was so unhappy. He cut his arm off to, he's the baker, and he goes, like, I will find a way out. But if that's not going to happen and I have a way out, yeah, thanks for respect to me. I'm happy to respect you.

Thanks for the way you're treated me. You're treating me fairly, and you're giving me an opportunity to, you're giving me an opportunity to do the thing that I really dreamt of doing as a kid? What a joy. And you're opposite for me, you're trying your hardest? Yes. So all I owe to you as a scene partner is to try your hardest. Okay, these camera officers are trying your hardest.

Something went wrong. That's okay. I'm also now looking and I'm like, I'm 10 years older than you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I became the old guy. Yeah. When I was young, the older guys were harsh. Yes.

Everybody's nice now. Yeah, yeah. I was getting a little bit of that. Most of the younger actors were younger than me. By the way, crews are all younger than me now. DPs are younger than me. Yeah, directors. Directors.

So all of a sudden, these partners that used to be the dad figures for me, who it would be the Ivan Reitman types, it would be these like, okay, now I need you there. And your thought is, you have always been here,

I've always been here, and it's happening again, and unfortunately, I need to dance for you because I want to. Now I'm like, oh, you guys are younger and you're working your ass off

and it's now the crew's so like gender, I'm like, it's a lot of women. I'm like, this is another galaxy, man. And back to the poker metaphor, yes, you have to be aware of what everyone's doing. Yes. But you can do it as a matter of fact versus a matter of judgment and anger. That's exactly right. That's the distinction for me. It's like, I can still observe all this stuff. And then I go like, yeah, they're probably doing the best they can. It's exactly. That's why the best

that guy can play poker. Louis C. I'm mad at him because I'm mad at myself and I'm not going. Louis C.K. had a great bit years ago about something. I just remember he said, we get so mad at each other, they're doing the best they can. Yeah, yeah. And I'm like, That's what I'm putting more into it. I'm not, I'm like, everyone's doing the best they can. And then where my anger comes to and what I'm trying to do is, am I doing the best I can? Or am I distracting myself with so many jobs? How about just do the best you can?

And if they say it's not good enough, be like, well, I'm going to try to get better. Because now I'm committed to, I'm into this thing and I want to see if I can do it, not for anyone's approval, but my own to look back and go, was I any good at that? And at times I can go, yes, and at times you go, no, you just cheated. You did that little move because you weren't connected. Yeah, and it works. But who cares? But I know, and I go, can I actually play a pure game? Right.

And I'm like, I don't know. I talked to a lot of older actors who get to this similar spot. Like I was interviewing, like, an incredible, oh, Josh Brolin. Right. Who's blown my mind a million times as an actor. and he has all the same things and he was telling me like yeah this next phase for me

I want to go with no game plan just confidence that I can listen to somebody and I will react accordingly yeah great and that's what I want to do I just like I want to do nothing and trust that I'll do plenty that's great and that's kind of like

a similar thing the other thing I want to do is I want to stop thinking about the audience so much I came up on stages so much so even if we were in a two person scene I was slightly always cooked out Because I'm like, if they're not laughing... That's me in a talk show.

Yeah, if they're not... Exactly right. If they're not laughing, I'm going to change. Uh-huh. And what I'm trying to get to as an actor is it's not my job to think about the audience. Right. It's the director's job.

It's my job to think about the scene. Yeah. But I'll go like, man, I fuck. If the camera was here, then I think they'll like that. It's not my job to think about them. It's not my job to go... Do you think we should be doing this faster? Uh-huh.

Because I'm thinking about when this goes to audience, how is it going to work? as opposed to going, nobody asked me to do that. Yes. That's Tom Cruise's job. He can think about what the audience. And he's the best at it. And he knows.

Yes, and he knows. We don't know. In closing, I'm excited to see what you do next. And I'm going to shamelessly mean that you're saying you're willing to be in something. 100%. Without a question, I ride with you. But I'm excited to see what you do. And if you don't choose me in it, there's not a bad feeling in the world.

Oh, as a fan. Yeah. I was like, there's a lot left on that bone that's going to be a fun 15, 20-year run for you. I feel it in my bones. Oh, good. I feel it in my bones. I like that. Hi, guys. This is Madeline.

I was just listening to episode 229 with Santos and the Baked Goods, and I felt pretty uniquely qualified to call in on this topic. So I still live at home and my mom loves to bake. So she's always baking stuff and I'm bringing it into the office. And most of the office loves everything that she makes. But there's a handful of people that would always say, no, I'm good. No, I'm not trying to eat sweets right now or whatever. But you just have to wear them down. And sometimes straight to their face in front of everyone, I'll just ask them what their favorite thing is.

I'll go home. I'll get my mom to make it. and then I bring it into the office, and then they kind of feel like they have to have it. So then they have it, and then they're hooked. Once someone, every time, once someone has one of the things that she makes, then they're hooked. Every time I bring something in, they're like, oh, let me get a bite, let me get a bite, let me get two of those. Like, is there any more left? So I think sometimes you just have to do it in front of everyone, make them feel obligated to try it,

and then make sure it's, like, their favorite thing. But you can overcome this, and you just have to go one by one and knock everyone out and get them addicted to all the desserts. I hope that helps, and long-time listener, first-time caller. Love you guys. We're here to help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show,

please email us your question at Help. And if you want to watch video episodes of we're here to help, you can go to our Patreon at patreon.com slash here to help pod to see our entire catalog. We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grimm Productions. Executive producers Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter, and Natalie Hollis, associate producer Jesse Thurston, editing mix and master by Chris Fowler. The theme song by Oliver Raleigh. The cover artwork is by James Fostike. Animations by Andrew Strelecky. And if you'd like to see Gareth do stand up on the road, go to garethrenolds.com. Remember all of the advice given on we're here to help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions. All video episodes of season one are available now on Patreon,

and season two video episodes will be available every Monday starting January 20th. Go to patreon.com forward slash here to help pod. Hi, I'm Nicole Bayer. Hi, I'm Sashir Zameda. And this is the podcast, Best Friends. and we're here at HeadGum. So this is just a podcast where we just talk. We're best friends.

We talk and then we have a segment where we answer questions and queries. So audience members can ask questions about friendships and we can answer them to the best of our abilities. We are professional friends. We are professional friends. Subscribe to Best Friends on Spotify, Apple Podcast, Pocketcast, or wherever you get your podcast. watch videos on YouTube new episodes drop every Wednesday that's the middle of a work week I was deeply unhelpful to you during that whole thing you are I'm really sorry I felt the support I was so okay I was trying to be supportive yeah but I was like I don't know reading seems pretty hard

right now it's a lot I think you did good thank you so much you're welcome